People Are Bothered By Other's Perception Of Them In Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories

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People can occasionally be too quick to judge others.  They may easily refer to you as a "jerk" if they witness a situation in which you had to make a tough choice in order to stop being mistreated. It's tricky to persuade someone who has already formed the idea that you are a bad person until they hear your side of the story. Here are some thoughts from folks who have been labeled jerks and now wish to defend their behavior. Continue reading and tell us who you believe to be the true jerk. AITJ = Am I the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk WIBTJ = Would I be the jerk? YTJ = You're the jerk

17. AITJ For Telling My Son That He Ruined Christmas For Me?

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“Me (F.) and My ex-husband (M.) are divorced. We have a 16 yo son together, ‘Mason.’ I got remarried to my husband (M.) Nathan.

My ex-husband and I used to argue about who should get Mason for the holidays back when he was little. As he got older we started letting him decide.

Last year he spend Christmas with me, Nathan, and my inlaws and he complained that the experience was ‘terrible’ because he said Nathan and his family had little to no accommodation for his food choices (I’m not defending them but my in-laws are quite traditional when it comes to food and a bit ignorant to what types of foods Mason eats).

He also said he didn’t feel as welcome as the other kids in the family and that Nathan forced him to share his personal stuff like his phone so that his stepnephews could watch Christmas movies.

Yesterday, during breakfast we were talking about Christmas and what we were planning this year but he out of nowhere announced that he’ll be spending this Christmas with his dad at a rental Christmas cottage in his favorite town.

I was stunned, and so was Nathan. I asked Mason when and how he agreed to this arrangement but he pointed back to what happened last Christmas and said he didn’t want to basically ‘have another trashy holiday and be miserable’ I told him that his dad should’ve come to me first but he argued that he’s already okayed it and so he saw no need for my opinion.

We started arguing and he started complaining about me trying to ruin the experience but in response, I told him that he has already ruined Christmas for me and his stepdad the minute he agreed to this arrangement. He got up and walked away after saying that I was being ‘overdramatic’.

Nathan just sat there and looked down.

I had a huge argument on the phone with Mason’s dad and he kept giving me an attitude and laughing and saying that I sounded pathetic. When I told him I’d have my lawyer call him, he backpaddled and said he wouldn’t have done this if Mason didn’t like it.

He urged me to drop it and let Mason have this experience or he’ll resent me for missing it. Now Mason isn’t speaking to me. Nathan is trying to convince him to stay with us because without him, our Christmas is ruined but he won’t budge from the looks of it.

AITJ for not dropping it as well? What I meant by ‘why didn’t his dad come to me first’ is that he planned to take Mason out of town which is a big deal to me. There’s going to be traveling.”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ

First, basics/applies even generically: He’s old enough to choose where to go, and you said you’ve allowed that for some time now. He was with you last year, seems normal he’d be with dad this year. Plus, dad arranged a special trip to a favorite place.

Second, major jerk, because you’re guilting him by saying he’s ruining your Christmas. It’s a trashy thing to emotionally blackmail your kids. Also, the bit about no food for him because in-laws’ family are ‘ignorant when it comes to the types of food Mason eats.’ Sounds like YOU haven’t bothered to educate them ie advocate for your kid, and Mason knows that.” dart1126

Another User Comments:

“YTJ

You said to let your son decide. He did. Respect that.

And respect his reasons for not wanting to hang out with your husband and his family. If you want your son in your life I suggest you start supporting him and his boundaries.

You need to give your son a reason to want to hang out at yours, not reasons to avoid you and your husband.

His things are his, he shouldn’t be forced to share them. If eating is a struggle for him you should be supportive and not force him to eat things he hates.

You’ve made no effort to make him feel welcome in your home. Deal with that before he gets to 18 and can choose never to have to deal with you again.” No_Substance_6082

Another User Comments:

“YTJ

Holy cow, I feel sorry for Mason. What the heck are you thinking, OP?

You wrote first that he’s old enough to decide where he wants to spend Christmas. Now that he chose his dad for this year so he can actually enjoy the holidays, you are throwing a fit and going mental on the poor boy.

Stop pestering him about spending the holidays with you!

Stop threatening your ex with lawyers to stop your son from seeing his dad! Instead, start to be a mother who actually cares about her son’s well-being.

If you want to keep having a relationship with your son, you better back down and let him choose his dad this year.

And both you and your new follower can think about how to make holidays like Christmas more enjoyable for your son in the future.” Willing-Rip-8761

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OpenFlower 1 year ago
YTJ. You flat out said your son is old enough to choose where he wants to go. He chose, and you're just upset he didn't want to do the holidays with you and your husband. Mason didn't feel welcome and was also forced to share his cell phone with children he barely knows???? Apologize to your son. YOU are the problem, not him.
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16. AITJ For Wanting To Celebrate My Birthday On Thanksgiving?

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“My birthday is Nov. 25 which means there are years it falls on or right around the holiday. Whenever that happened my parents would just mix my birthday with the holiday and no one in my family minded. Celebrating with my friends usually had to wait until the following week.

My fiancée ‘Tiffany’ knows all about this. Last year we moved in together and started to celebrate holidays together. She wanted to have Thanksgiving at her parents’ last year but, my birthday was also on Thanksgiving.

Tiffany has this tradition with her mom, aunt, and cousin that they go to the closest city to do holiday shopping and have a girls’ weekend the weekend after Thanksgiving.

I agreed we’d spend Thanksgiving with her family, no birthday dinner until the following Monday since we’d be at her parents and it was up to them how it was handled, she could do her weekend but this year we’d celebrate with my parents. Tiffany was all on board with this compromise.

The plan has changed a bit. Her family wanted us to go to their house again and see my family before or after but we said no because my family lives almost 4 hours away. We offered to have Thanksgiving dinner at our house this year.

Both families agreed. Tiffany and I agreed we’d do as my family did – we’d mix my birthday dinner with Thanksgiving since my birthday is the day after Thanksgiving this year. This way, I can celebrate with my family since they’d already be in town, not dealing with the Friday crowds, and Tiffany could still do her yearly girls’ weekend with her family.

My mom loved this idea and offered to come a day early to help us cook and add some of my favorite things to the menu and make a cake for me instead of extra pies.

We added nachos, homemade sushi, and a cake to the menu and took away some traditional turkey day stuff so it wouldn’t be an insane amount of food.

The staples are still there. We sent a list of what we’d be serving to her family so they would know and her parents and aunts asked why there was ‘party food’ at a holiday dinner. We explained the situation and they raised a stink and said that Thanksgiving isn’t about me or an appropriate time/place for a birthday.

Tiffany is starting to agree with her family and thinks they’re right – the holiday should be about family and not making part of the holiday about me since my birthday is the following day and we should just celebrate my birthday the following week like last year.

My view as I’ve told her – I agree but I can’t help when I was born. Us being a couple and getting married means we should be finding a way to handle this that works for the two of us, not other people.

Tiffany and her parents are insisting it is a traditional Thanksgiving dinner. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

Combining two families means respecting both sets of traditions while creating new ones for your new family that you build together.

You are respecting her traditions regarding the weekend after Thanksgiving and you compromised last year when you celebrated with her side of the family and postponed your birthday celebration.

They, however, are not respecting your side or your traditions. It’s your family’s year and her side tried to insist on changes so that they get you this year while short-changing your family.

You generously offered another compromise by offering to host, while following your family’s tradition of jointly celebrating your birthday, and her family is, again, trying to steamroll over the holiday.

This is something that you and your fiancé need to discuss and set a plan on how to handle this as a couple. Because these ‘turf wars’ over traditions and holiday time only escalate when you bring children into the mix.” Key-Bit1208

Another User Comments:

“Tiffany’s family sucks. Last year was your fiance’s year with her family for their traditional Thanksgiving. Your family didn’t force a new compromise in their favor.

Since this was supposed to be your year with your family, it would make sense that you would do more of your holiday tradition this year.

Your birthday happens to be part of your family tradition. If Tiffany’s family doesn’t like it, then stay home.

Why are Tiffany and her family failing to recognize that you are compromising? OP could have been a jerk and reminded his fiance of the agreement the year before.

OP could have also refused a different compromise and held firm to last year’s deal. Now a new discussion was had between OP and Tiffany to reach a better concession. Yet it isn’t enough because that entitled family thinks only their wants matter. At what point do these ‘compromises’ also benefit OP?

Why is Tiffany allowing her family to sway her decision? You both decided as a couple and need to stick together. If Tiffany can’t shut her family down on this issue, then there is a long road ahead of you hating your in-laws.

NTJ. Don’t back down!” BeautifulResident167

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your wife agreed and now she is backing out because her family is being demanding.

You gave up your whole birthday celebrations last year because of them, you shouldn’t be expected to do that every year because of their demands.

If her parents refuse to get on board for this, then the only other way around this is you alternate families each year.

You go to your family’s home and get to celebrate your birthday with everyone and Thanksgiving and she misses out on her shopping time. Then the next year you miss out on your birthday celebrations and she gets her family thanksgiving their way and the shopping trip.

PS – if you had a child and they happened to be born on Christmas day would they refuse to acknowledge their grandchild’s birthday? It’s just unnecessarily mean. Plan a pregnancy carefully, don’t want to mess up Easter with your in-laws.” Ok-Macaron-6211

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Squidmom 1 year ago
Tell her that if you don't celebrate your birthday on Thanksgiving then the 2 of you will celebrate over the weekend meaning no shopping for them. Oh well.
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15. AITJ For Refusing To Leave The Room?

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“My husband’s best friend (female) got the news of her dog’s cancer days ago. My husband would call her every day til yesterday when she visited.

I opened the door for her, greeted her then led her to the living room and went into the kitchen to get a glass of water after my husband asked me.

I came back and didn’t find them in the living room. Turns out they went into the guest room and the door was shut. I heard weeping/sobbing sounds coming from the inside. I knocked then got in and found them embracing each other crying.

I stood by the door but my husband paused and told me to give them a moment. I gotta say that I did not feel comfortable with his request so I remained standing. He got up and started repeatedly telling me to get out. I told him it was my house and he can’t tell me where I can and cannot stay.

He got angry and told me to get out and we’ll talk later but I refused. He asked what was wrong with me for not seeing how tense the situation was and for not giving them privacy. I told him that they did NOT need to shut the door for any reason no matter what it was.

We argued and she ended up leaving. He blew up at me afterward calling me unbelievable and saying I had no respect for him and his friend who was going through a hard time and refusing to give them privacy. I told him how weird it was for them to shut the door just because they were crying.

He told me that I was petty and overbearing to act like this in front of her and stopped him from showing proper support.

Now he’s completely gone radio silent and is acting like I kicked her out or treated her poorly.

Some context: Ages of those involved are 26Female, 28Female, and 31Male.

She’s been his best friend/sister for over 8+ years.

She tends to be very emotional and highly sensitive.

We don’t get along because she tends to be a boundary stomper and does/says things that make me feel like I don’t know my husband as much as she does.

She also compares us as well.

Initially, I did not want her to come to the house but my husband called her and told her to come since he didn’t see her after the news was received til yesterday.”

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here;

You were not in the wrong to be alerted of the red flags flying in the air. Super sketchy how your husband sends you to get water and uses that time to slink away into the guest room. More appropriately, he should have asked you to exit the living room to give them space instead of retreating to a private room with a closed door.

I’m giving the husband the benefit of the doubt that everything is above board, and he doesn’t see how bad the optics look. Is the friend single btw? If so, that makes it more of a red flag. Now she (friend) knows your husband will always be there for her emotional support.

So much so he is willing to close out his wife behind a door so that they can have their alone time.

This friendship will be toxic to your relationship due to the brewing dynamic. I don’t think this ends well with all three being in each other’s lives.” viajoensilencio

Another User Comments:

“As a man, NTJ. Your husband is YOUR man, not anybody else’s. That’s kind of what you both agreed to when you got married. If someone else is trying to subtly suppress that, they need to go. Also, it’s always been my belief that having a ‘best friend’ of the opposite gender when you’re committed to someone else is just unwise.

Your spouse should be your best friend, period. They should be the ones you’re closest to, share your life with the most, and are the most intimate with (emotionally speaking; physical intimacy is already obvious here). Although you retain your individuality to an extent, a married couple is one team, one unit, one body (so to speak).

It makes absolutely no sense to be closer to somebody else than that person, especially if the other person is the same gender as your spouse. Her stomping on boundaries and making those comparisons is bad news. I’m only a man so I’m not going to pretend to be able to read a woman’s mind, but if the genders were reversed I’d say the dude was definitely trying to get into the woman’s pants.

That also wasn’t ‘proper support.’ That was asking for trouble.” donkeygonk

Another User Comments:

“Sorry YTJ. Straight people are allowed to have friends of the opposite gender. This was obviously an emotional situation and the friend wanted to process it with the support of her best friend in private.

Some people have trouble crying or being upset in front of other people. Additionally, OP, how long have they been friends? Your husband may have known her dog as long as she has or it may have brought up traumatic memories from his past of losing a pet or being helpless to save a pet.

It also could be that they didn’t want to upset any other people (including kids, OP does not mention).

If this had been any other type of situation, going into a bedroom and closing the door would be inappropriate.

Still, if this is a boundary that you both have discussed, that is a different story.

But even then, dude, SITUATIONAL AWARENESS! YTJ for forcing that confrontation in an emotionally charged situation in front of an outside party. If it did upset you, you should have addressed it later and in private.” MoosedaMuffin

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Shutting the door and embracing is very intimate, even in grief.

I side hug my male friends and would pat their shoulders or something to comfort them instead. And always not hiding it from hubby. Seeking privacy from my husband to embrace another man, even grieving, just doesn’t feel right.

If he hugged her in front of you and wasn’t hiding it, that might be more ok.

That said, I think your spidey senses were kicking in for a reason. Think about what boundaries you need for your marriage and communicate them to your husband. Even if he hasn’t had a physical affair it may be an emotional one which can be even more damaging.

I would get individual and couples counseling to work on respect and boundaries in the marriage. Good luck.” DottedUnicorn

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Bruinsgirl143 1 year ago
Ntj i have mostly male friends and I grew up as one of the guys... that's sketchy af and I dontbhave trust issues I have that girl needs to know her role issues
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14. AITJ For Letting My Fiancé's Dad Become Homeless?

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“My fiance (26 male) and I (26 female) just had our baby 9 months ago. We are still adjusting to new parents’ life and being newly engaged. My fiancé’s father in the 7 years I’ve known him has always treated my fiancé as an ATM even though we are not financially stable enough to lend money we somehow always end up assisting him.

For some context, my future FIL works in timeshare and is hugely commissioned based and he does not sell very well so every check he gets is less than $20.

He’s been kicked out of the house and it foreclosed in 2020. The house he kept in terrible shape I’m talking dog poop engrained in the carpets, moldy smell, bathroom floors slimy, and smell of urine just to name a few things.

He constantly has fallouts with my fiancé and at one point I had to get in between them to diffuse a situation that almost turned physical. He is currently living in a motel because none of his 3 adult children want to take him in for all the reasons I’ve mentioned and then some.

He has recently reached out to ask for money to pay his rent yet again. To which I told my fiancé absolutely not because a couple of months ago he stole my fiancé’s card and try to pay his rent with it after we had already said no. So naturally, I’m through helping him.

He is on a week-to-week basis in his motel. His partner paid his rent this week luckily but I know we will encounter the same issue next week until he’s homeless. When he becomes homeless I do not want him to live here because I know he will never leave and I like my space.

I don’t feel like I should have to live with my 62-year-old FIL. However, none of his other children will let him live with them. I told my fiancé I don’t care if he lives out of his van but he did not like that very much so I’m willing to give an ultimatum.

It’s me or him so am I the jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your future FIL is a grown man who is capable of taking care of himself but doesn’t. If he got a non-commission-based job, or at least one that has a base salary, things might be better for him.

But really, none of that matter because he is a thief. It doesn’t matter if the payment didn’t go through or whatever ended up happening there, he stole the card after being told no. He cannot be trusted in your home, and your fiancé needs to handle this if/when it comes to him wanting to move in.

Maybe his SO will take him in. But he’s gotta get himself together on his own.” smartiesmouth

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

You need to sit him down and tell him that if he brings his father there to live that neither your or child will be there when he next comes home, he needs to press charges for the theft & get it through to him that his father stealing the card had it been successful is stealing the food from your mouths, the bills that need to be paid so your heat or water isn’t shut off or even the roof over your head and ask him if allowing his father to keep stealing/taking the money you guys need is worth doing that to your child, is it worth risking losing you and your child?

Make it abundantly clear that your baby comes first and their security to be in a clean happy home comes first & also remind your fiance how disgusting his home was & that you are not a maid and would not be cleaning up after that or subject your child to his filth!

If he does visit for thanksgiving I would make sure all your valuables and your bank cards/credit cards are put into a locked cabinet or drawer so he cannot get near them and make sure that he is not left alone at any time.

If he goes to the bathroom oh you just need to pop to the bedroom with the baby so you can catch him if he tried to come in snooping/stealing. Just ignore any comment he makes about his housing situation and tell him he can get a job in a supermarket or similar and actually get an actual income instead of complaining and getting the government assistance he would be entitled to as well, Just plainly say he has options to get a regular income & help, if he chooses not to do that then he’s in his own and make it abundantly clear that ‘well we have a baby now so we don’t have money to spare ANYONE and that asking for money is like taking food from babies mouth and the diapers from their bottoms’

Do not let this man come into your home and play that card, he has options he is choosing to stay in a crappy job he cannot do that’s on him no-one else.” RavenBlueEyes84

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You deserve for yourself to have a nice home, and you also want your child to have a nice home.

But I think you need to see that your real problem is your fiance. The fact that you’re even having this conversation is a problem. Your fiance has poor boundaries with his father and feels that he must make himself usable for his father. You need to tell your fiance to put work into himself because this is unacceptable.” JCBashBash

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Ljones 1 year ago
Cut the dad off! He needs to fend for himself
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13. AITJ For Calling My Aunt Selfish?

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“My (25) dad took off before I was born and my mom raised me, she tried but after a while, she sort of gave up.

She wasn’t a terrible mother, but not a good one either. We don’t have much contact.

My aunt (51), we’ll call her Anna, is much closer to me than my mom. Anna has a really rough past, she found out she was pregnant after her partner passed away and decided not to continue the pregnancy.

I see her as a mother figure and she’s viewed me as her daughter, and we’ve always been there for one another.

I and Anna live in the same area, she’s the only relative I have regular contact with. Anna is a college professor and she’s been in a relationship with another professor for about a year.

They met when he came here for a conference or something, but he lives in a different state. I didn’t consider this that serious as Anna didn’t care much for long-term relationships, and she’s not exactly young anymore.

A few days ago, we met up for lunch and Anna dropped the little tidbit that she was planning to move to her partner’s state, and she’s already received job offers.

I was pretty shocked. Anna said she was waiting for everything to be confirmed, and she’ll be moving in February.

I told her she should’ve at least discussed things. Anna said this is what’s best for her. I got upset and replied that she was throwing away her successful life here, and ditching me to run off like a teen.

Anna was snarky and said she doesn’t need to go over everything with me, and I called her selfish. Anna got mad, I called her later because I do realize I might’ve gone too far saying that, but she didn’t pick up.

I don’t think I said anything that bad initially, considering she didn’t even bother telling me before making a rash decision.

My fiance agrees with that she should’ve said something, but Anna is still clearly mad, so AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. What exactly makes you think your very much adult and completely independent aunt needs to discuss her life plans with you?

She was a mother figure for you growing up, supported you where your own mother couldn’t, she remained close to you as an adult… and you pay her by openly admitting you expected her to be alone forever just so you could have her around whenever you needed, adding that you thought she was too old to ever have a serious partner anyway.

How dare you.

You’re twenty-five years old. Anna has more than fulfilled her self-imposed (and never obligated) duty with you. She has every right to make any decisions she wants for her life. And absolutely no one knows what’s better for her than herself.

She doesn’t need your opinion, let alone your permission, to move and follow new life opportunities.

Also, you and your fiancé think she should’ve said something? Guess what, she did say something. That lunch meeting was her giving you a heads-up that she’s moving away IN THREE MONTHS.

Honestly, how dare you. You owe her a huge apology.” Jolly_Tooth_7274

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. I think you were hurt and shocked that Anna was leaving. You’ve been abandoned a lot, and Anna has been a source of safety, family, and steadiness in your life. It is probably hard to suddenly remember that she is an adult, with her own needs and desires, and she’s also in her 50s, which can be hard to find love if you have been alone.

Anna gave up a large portion of her life to parent a kid that wasn’t her biological kid. She sounds like a good person.

I know it’s probably hard to process she’s leaving, but you need to apologize and be happy for her.

You’ll still have a relationship, you can still visit one another. You need to let her be happy and not let this harm your relationship.” moonwhirls

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. I understand she’s like a mother figure to you and I don’t know the relationship dynamic too much but if she’s been there for your whole life, she sounds like a great person.

The reason I think YTJ is because clearly your Aunt is happy enough to make this life change for herself and decided to talk to you about it during lunch together. She told you, so that’s not the issue. It sounds more like you wanted to be able to be a part of the decision, and honestly, that’s not a right you should have.

It’s her life, and she has a right to be happy and if she has cared for you for so long, why don’t you want her to be happy and live the life she wants? It’s honestly selfish to expect her to drop everything to stay there just because you’d be upset about it.

Her going to another state doesn’t mean you’re not going to see her or something, she could visit you still. So again, YTJ because you’re thinking selfishly.” Diligent_Sea5989

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Bruinsgirl143 1 year ago
Ytj youreb25 act like it ... how dare you judge her after she did everything for you? She owes you ZERO explanation... grow up both you and yours fiance for that matter
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12. WIBTJ If I Keep My Brother-In-Law's Secret?

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“I (16m) was recently invited by my sister’s (28f) husband (30m) to hang out in the city, get pizza, watch Black Adam, and just connect with each other.

On the trip home, we got to talking about religion, and he asked me what I thought about religion, and to be honest, and that he wouldn’t judge. I was honest and said I was an atheist, to which he seemed relieved. He then opened up saying that all his life he was pretending to have faith.

He hasn’t been Christian since he was a teenager and needed to tell someone. He asked me to keep it a secret and not tell anyone I wasn’t positive wouldn’t pass the info on to his wife or her family, because he loves her despite her faith, but isn’t sure how much his lack of would affect their marriage.

My mom is always adamant that couples shouldn’t have secrets, but this is really important, and I wanna do the right thing. WIBTJ if I kept the secret?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ if you keep the secret.

This is not about infidelity. But I think you need to ask BIL to keep it a secret that you knew about this fact if ever he decides to open up to your sister.

You might even be able to help him open up if you talk about your Atheism with your sister and she’s accepting of it, he might feel like he can finally open up to her too.

Even Mother Teresa had doubts about her faith, so hopefully, your sister won’t ever let something like this come between their marriage/love for one another if she finds out.

But either way, this is NOT your secret to share. It doesn’t put her at any sort of risk for disease or infection, it’s about personal beliefs. And what your mother thinks about couples and secrets really doesn’t apply here. He didn’t share this secret with your mother.

I just don’t see how it harms anyone that he has this personal belief, so I’m in favor of him being allowed to keep this to himself and share it with you. It’s a shame he can’t be honest though, and he fears that it would change the relationship since he loves her regardless of her beliefs, it’d be nice if she afforded him that same respect.

Especially since he’s apparently willing to join her when she goes to worship, presumably.

I think it’s fine to be a safe person for him to discuss this with, and that it’s one of those secrets that is harmless to keep.” jammy913

Another User Comments:

“NTJ for keeping it, and NTJ if you tell her either.

That’s not a mess you have to get tangled up in, at all. It was really trashy of him to tell you and ask you to keep it secret in the first place. He’s a big boy and should be able to have an honest conversation with his wife.

Instead, he’s going to her little brother, which is just a weird move all around.

So absolutely you are NTJ for wanting to stay out of it. You’re not betraying her trust by not telling her, BIL’s insecurities shouldn’t need to be any of your business.

If you’re close with your sister and want to tell her, you are NTJ for that either. The only jerk here is BIL for asking you to keep secrets from your sister, and for being dishonest with his wife. Religion is something that should be discussed before people get married, and it’s not your fault or problem that he failed to do so.” sci_fi_bi

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I don’t think he should have asked you to keep this secret for him – not because it’s creepy or grooming or anything along those lines – but because as an adult it’s his job to deal with his emotions with support from other adults.

In this case, I think he’s asking a lot of you. If this secret makes you uncomfortable or you need to talk to someone about it, it’s okay if you do (although I’d recommend a therapist or someone outside your family) then that is okay.

But you don’t need to tell anyone either.

Marriages have different expectations and standards, and you should never need to feel like you are the go-between in your sister’s marriage. That’s another reason I don’t think your BIL should have told you- it’s making it more likely that you experience negative emotions about keeping this a secret from your sister, and that’s not fair to you.

TL;DR, BIL should have confided in someone else, and you are only responsible here for your own well-being. It’s not your job to manage the adults around you.” seaswept8448

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deka1 5 months ago
I just don't understand why religion is such a big thing for people. His wife believes. He doesn't. End of discussion. We are all individuals and we all have the right to our own beliefs.
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11. AITJ For Not Sharing Funds From My Dad's Benefits With My Mom?

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“My (18) mom wants me to give her money from my dad’s death benefits that I just got recently because I turned 18. She was unemployed for the last couple of months due to what she called a ‘weight loss surgery,’ which most people know was just a terminated pregnancy since I was in the car with her when she got a call from the place reconfirming the appointment.

She just got hired at some kitchen job though, but for the past few months, it’s been my stepfather who’s been making money.

Anyways, she all of a sudden wants me to deposit this check I got for $18k and give her some of the money to pay for her car payment, her insurance, her part of the phone bill, etc. Basically everything except for rent or whatever because we have been living with my grandfather for as long as I can remember, and he doesn’t charge her anything.

I told her explicitly I was going to put that money into savings. I don’t want to give her any of it, even though she says she’ll eventually pay it back to me. I don’t believe her though, because every other time she would ask me for money and say she’ll pay it back she never does.

This isn’t small payments either, it’s $200-300. This has happened multiple times over the years too. I don’t want to be her ATM anymore.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You will NEVER see any money you give her again. I would put it in an account she has no knowledge of and set all notifications to be online only so she can’t even forge your signature on anything.

I’ve seen it happen before. That’s money he wanted you to have to spend on yourself. I’d invest it or save it for education or travel or a down payment on a house, car, etc… Go buy an above-ground pool fill it with whip cream and do a belly flop, it’s yours to do what you want with it.” Tyler3841

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I’m sorry your mom put you in this situation, and I’m sorry for the loss of your dad. It seems like your family has been through some rough times so I can understand your mom’s desperation for financial help, but it’s unfair to put that on you at just 18, especially considering the context of that money.

It’s smart you’re thinking about your future. Definitely put that money in savings, and look into other ways you can separate your financial situation from your mom’s. She needs to stand on her own two feet, and you deserve a solid safety net as a good start to your adult life.” moonwhirls

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Good for you for being responsible and wanting to put that money into savings! Please make extra sure your mother cannot access it by not opening an account at the same place she banks at, and even asking the banker for any strategies for keeping your money safe – like keeping a low balance in your checking account, in case she gets ahold of your debit card and goes shopping.

Or asking the credit bureaus to notify you anytime someone tries to open a credit card in your name.” chart1961

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cadu 1 year ago
Sorry but unless the "terminated pregnancy" was over 12 weeks the convalescence is 1-2 days NOT months.
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10. WIBTJ If I Send My Daughter To "Fat Camp"?

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“I just got in a huge argument with my ex-husband about this. My 14-year-old daughter Abby just hit 210 pounds, this started about 1.5 years ago when my and my ex’s divorce was finalized. Growing up Abby was always an average weight until we went 50/50 on custody.

When we were together I would do the cooking and shopping. We ate a pretty good diet with some junk food thrown in. The divorce was kinda messy but we sent the kids to therapy and it was doable. Abby started gaining weight when we went 50/50.

In the beginning, I just thought it was gaining weight before a growth spurt, but that wasn’t the case. At my house, she was eating okay but at her father’s, it is all junk food, he doesn’t cook and to make it worse he lives by if it is on your plate you eat it.

So in short he is giving her way too big portions of crap. I have talked to him so many times, I have tried to let her serve her own food amount, instead of him loading up her plate. He will not budge.

I got Abby into sports which she enjoys for the most part but it’s not enough to stop the weight gain.

I went to the doctor and nutritionist and it comes down to her basically eating three times the calories at her father’s place. So since Abby likes soccer, I found an overnight camp from Friday night to Sunday night, the days that he usually has Abby.

Abby seemed on board with the idea and this way her dad will not be feeding her or even really seeing her for the next couple of months.

I informed him of the camp and that Abby wants to do it. It was a big argument that he circled around to her weight.

He accused me of sending her to a fat camp. So AITJ?

Edit: I am talking to lawyers to try to get custody changed or at least a food clause in the agreement.”

Another User Comments:

“It isn’t fat camp, it’s soccer camp, and your daughter has expressed a desire to go.

So NTJ.

However, this isn’t an effective long-term solution to the problem you actually have, which is that your ex is not providing a safe environment for the kid during his custody time. If Abby is also distressed by the weight gain, it could lead to an eating disorder like bulimia.

You probably need to contact your lawyer and talk through what your options are. Depending on what state you are in, Abby can make a request for custody review on grounds of mistreatment, neglect, or inability to properly take care of a child. But that really needs to be driven by her, not you.

Alternatively, she’s 14, she’s old enough to take a stand for herself – make her own meals while she’s there or bring some home-packed meals and eat them instead of whatever takeout he gets.” ImaginaryMaps

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

This isn’t even fat camp, and if she wants to do it then she should.

Taking all health reasons out of it, it’s a very good thing to do, it’s good for social skills, I wish I would have done more like that as a kid.

Her dad is being VERY detrimental to her health. As much as I LOVE to eat unhealthily, it’s so important to teach kids good eating habits.

There is nothing wrong with being bigger, but eating well and getting in exercise makes such a difference in how you feel every day. My back used to always hurt, and I felt sick every day until I started exercising, the difference it makes it’s crazy.

He’s also being very manipulative. He’s trying to plant hurtful ideas by calling it a fat camp, it’s going to hurt your daughter’s feelings. It sounds like he is trying to turn her against you.

If she genuinely wants to do it, sign her up!

She’ll have fun.” pyrsoul99

Another User Comments:

“NTJ at 14, she’s allowed and competent to make choices for herself regarding food consumption in terms of quantity and what she is eating. She also can choose whether she wants to go to soccer camp or not.

Calling it a ‘fat camp’ is not necessary. It’s only derogatory and your ex is trying to manipulate you by making such statements. If it were a ‘diet camp’, it would be an entirely different story.

Your ex knows what he’s doing and is in the wrong and refuses to change.

Likely this is because he’s aware of how much this behavior annoys you and gives him control. It’s a petty power trip. Your daughter should try to stand up to him and say no, that she won’t eat what’s on the plate if it’s too much.

At 14, she has the right to choose. The worst that will happen is he will punish her. It’s unfair and unfortunate that it comes to that and I can understand why she would not be comfortable doing that. But until you can get the custody agreement changed there’s little else that can be done.

The good news is at 14, the court will be more likely to listen to her and take her opinion into consideration more too.

But a word of advice, you didn’t say how she feels about your concern for her weight… are you sure you’re not being too overbearing and judgmental about her being overweight.

You could be doing just as much damage to her psyche by focusing on her being overweight as he is by feeding her too much junk food. Just in a different way. I’d hate to see your relationship become strained and damaged as she grows older and she feels resentment towards you because she feels you’d fat shame her or make her feel less important to you because she didn’t live up to your standards for her.” Gorgeous-Angelface

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rbleah 1 year ago
I would talk to an attorney about THE jerk the ex is doing to your daughter. See what you can do in the court system. Ex is a MASSIVE TURD.
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9. AITJ For "Hindering" My Dad From Having A Happy Family?

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“Sue (dad’s wife number 3) is an animal lover and activist which my dad loves, however, she is also a blatant racist and homophobic. 0 to 100 there but unfortunately that’s how it is. If there is an ‘ist’ or ‘phobic’ she is it. Overall she is not a pleasant person but she is my dad’s wife and the family has had to accept her.

Recently Sue has been complaining about how I am ‘rude’ + ‘horrible’ to her and make her feel uncomfortable in her home. I find this quite funny, to be honest. As I only see her about 2 or 3 times a year, I manage to fit quite a lot in!

Background- my dad and Sue got married when I was 15, Sue had always hated children so I was not invited to their wedding but my two older sisters (over 21yrs) were and also her bridesmaids.

Sue started to speak to me after I turned 19 but only to be rude.

The difficult thing is Sue pretends to be nicer (civil is probably a better word) to me when my dad is around. As soon as my dad leaves the room Sue completely changes. She will ignore me, make rude remarks about what I am doing or wearing and generally be as mean and difficult as possible.

She also does this with my sisters.

Recently my dad took me out for my birthday and whilst we were talking he said he had something important to discuss with me. He said that Sue had spoken to him and said that I have been extremely rude to her recently and been making her feel uncomfortable.

Then he went on a 5/10 minute lecture about how I need to be kind to her and he doesn’t know why I am being rude when I am normally a nice person. During those 10 minutes, I just sat there trying to process what he was saying and figure out what I had done.

Whenever Sue is unkind to me or makes me uncomfortable. I will not retaliate or be rude as it will not help the situation. I tend to excuse myself to go to the bathroom for 5 minutes so I can sit quietly and think. Recently it has been building up as my sisters don’t stick around much anymore and I have been taking most of her bullying, I’ll just sit and cry for 2 minutes to try and process feelings.

Back to my birthday, after my character assassination my dad left for a bit. When he returned I had time to think about what he had said and the situation. So I decided to tell him my side of the story and what Sue is like when he is not around.

Then he got annoyed at me for not accepting what he had said and for not apologizing for how horrible I had been. That he wished I had just kept it to myself.

Stating that sharing my opinions with him isn’t solving anything and just causing more issues for him.

That he was going to support Sue and her feelings and that telling him how I felt was ruining his hope for a happy family.

Bearing in mind one of my sisters doesn’t talk to him at all anymore. And neither of my sisters has ever liked or got on with Sue.

So I am not sure how I am the only person who is causing a problem.

So AITJ for telling my dad my side of the story?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You haven’t stopped him from having a harmonious family. He has. He married a woman who thought it was appropriate to exclude his child from his own wedding.

Even without everything else you’ve said, that should have been a major red flag.

One of your sisters has gone no contact, and if he carries on, you are likely to do the same. You’ve told him the truth. Tell him every time it comes up.

I would even suggest putting in a boundary now you are an adult, ‘I’m happy to make plans with you but I won’t be around your wife and I will not be bad-mouthed by her anymore. I have not lied and won’t be talked down to because of the things she’s said.’ Be prepared to follow through on it if it carries on though.” walnutwithteeth

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You’re being too kind and giving your father way too many chances. Your father decided to marry a woman who would not allow you at the wedding or speak to you until you became an adult. That was his choice. You do not have to play along to make him feel better.

I’m so sorry your father has let you all down so painfully. You deserve a better father. For your own well-being, please stop putting yourself into that mess. Stay away from Sue and protect yourself from her toxic sludge at all costs. Your father can be angry all he wants, but he put you in that situation and you do not have to stay in it.” LiveLovelyLala

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, my mind is blown that your father would date someone who hated and refused to speak to children. You are NTJ, but he sure is, and it sounds like his wife is too.

He’s saying you are ruining things because you’re the ‘safe’ one to tell this to, your other sister has already bailed and it sounds like the other isn’t far off from that either.

If you do continue to see them, maybe tell Sue you’re having trouble hearing, and ask her to repeat herself every time she says something awful. Or say ‘Huh…’ and then pull out a little notebook to write it down. Really put a spotlight on her awfulness.” Jerseygirl2468

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rbleah 1 year ago
Tell dad that since he REFUSES to believe you about his wife there is only one solution. Tell him BYEEE and CUT ALL CONTACT. He will NEVER listen to you unless they get a divorce. Then daddy will try to be all oh i didn't know. I call BS on him AND her crap.
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8. AITJ For Taking My Son's Skateboard?

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“My 17-year-old son is usually VERY responsible and mature for his age. He’s also always been pretty good at skateboarding.

However, I noticed that he keeps getting hurt recently.

I’ll see bruises, scratches, and cuts and he recently even broke his arm all because he’s being insanely reckless with his skateboard all of a sudden.

I assumed that because of his broken arm and the snow, he wouldn’t be skateboarding but my other son showed me a clip on my 17-year-old’s Instagram of him skateboarding with his broken arm attempting to do some ridiculous stunt which he obviously failed to do and ended up with a massive cut on his leg (that he’s hidden from me).

I was confused, scared and horrified because anyone with eyes and a brain could tell that the stunt wasn’t going to work. I asked my other son to show me other clips and all of them were really similar.

I ended up going to my 17-year-old and asked him what all that was about.

He just kept shrugging so I told him I’d like his skateboard. He immediately began to protest and latched onto it. I tried explaining that I’d give it back after he stopped being so reckless or at least till his arm healed but he told me that I’m being overdramatic, that he’s going to be an adult next year, and that I’m being really unfair.

I ended up taking it and he refuses to even acknowledge me now.

For some reason, my SIL (23f) called me saying that I’m being really uptight and that my son’s being a normal teenager and that I need to loosen up. I do get this quite a bit so I suppose I’m curious… AITJ?

Okay I didn’t think this was relevant info since I KNOW I’m not the jerk for giving my son consequences for this but he crashed my car ‘for fun’ as well. I don’t care if he skateboards, it’s the fact that he’s skating while his arm is broken and while he may have other possible injuries as well.

I am NOT asking if I am the jerk for being concerned about his disregard for his safety. I am asking if I am the jerk for taking his skateboard. I feel like it wasn’t the best long-term solution and will essentially have no results.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

I was so ready to tear into you, (no patience for trashy parents) but you’re actually pretty well justified, here.

Your son’s actions have crossed from ‘normal teen recklessness’ to ‘self-destructive behavior’. Taking the skateboard isn’t a long-term solution, but it may be a way to start the process of reaching one.

You need to try and get to the root of this. You say he’s posting these videos to Instagram; it may be attention-seeking. Unfortunately, the core of social media is a ‘stranger approval’ system that, pretty actively, conditions users to hinge their self-esteem on others’ opinions.

If you’re not mature enough to handle it, it can be devastating to someone’s mental health.

Obviously, I don’t know your kid, personally. However, this is a well-documented (and relatively common) occurrence.

The reaction is just normal kid stuff, though. Of course, he’s not going to like being told what he’s doing is wrong or having a consequence placed on him.

However, his choices have made those necessary. You’re not a jerk, for that.” User

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here. You stated, ‘… son is usually VERY responsible and mature for his age,’ but he also wrecked your car for fun, so you are wrong.

People with common sense do not wreck other people’s cars for fun. If he has not learned responsibility by now, he isn’t going to at 17 and he will just borrow someone else’s board. You get some of the blame due to the fact that you could type very responsible and wrecked cars for fun in the same story.

That is a pattern and I am betting there are more examples. Getting injured on a skateboard is normal for that age. He is old enough so he is going to have to learn the hard way and you aren’t going to be able to stop him from succeeding at it.

If you let him drive your car, I’d up your insurance coverage to at least $300k/$500k to protect yourself from his ‘VERY responsible’ nature.” holisarcasm

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – and I mean I think there’s a fairly decent chance his behavior can be chalked up to the fact that teenagers appear as adults, but their brain development is NOT on par with a mid-late 20’s adult.

They truly don’t have the capacity to fully understand and assess risk. They underestimate risk and overestimate their abilities.

Buuuuuuutttt, I also wonder if perhaps this goes a bit deeper. It’s extremely common for athletes to struggle when they are injured. Participating in their sport of choice typically brings them a great deal of happiness.

When that’s taken away, even due to injury, it can be really, really hard for them. And sometimes it’s hard for others (like parents) to really see how devastating it is for them.

All of that to say – if you haven’t, now might be a good time to tell your son you’re sorry that he’s hurt.

You know how much he loves skateboarding, and you acknowledge that it must be really freaking hard not to be able to do that because of his injury. And then just leave it at that. You can have conversations at a later time about how important it is to allow injuries to heal fully, etc. But for a little bit, just validate that getting hurt sucks and having something that brings you joy be unavailable to you really sucks.” chrystalight

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TJHall44 1 year ago
NTA but obviously he wasn't raised being held accountable for his actions & that is your fault. He sounds like a self centered brat
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7. AITJ For Refusing To Pay For The Damages On The Laptop?

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“I work in an office, there are no assigned desks as you usually book a desk in advance or just find an open desk.

All the desks are motorized standing desks and have sound barriers between each for privacy as well as a PC installed (so we don’t have to bring anything), and two monitors for you to work on. There was a person to my left (never met them before due to the open desk policy) that was working next to me for the day, they were using a personal laptop to do their work and they walked away with their laptop open while my desk was in a higher position (I was standing for a meeting) and the screen was under the vicinity of my standing desk (unaware to me) I lowered my desk after my meeting and heard a crunch, my other coworker behind me and I immediately went to look.

I raised my desk and found the laptop and its screen damaged, definitely not repairable as the frame was bent as well.

The coworker who owned the laptop came back about 5-10 minutes later, and I told him about the laptop and I apologized for the situation, letting him know it was an accident and that I didn’t see his laptop was there.

In short, he said it was fine, was upset as he should be, and it was seriously a trashy situation, they took their laptop and left to talk to some other coworkers down the hall. I was in meetings all day and I noticed he was going back and forth at his desk.

when I finished my meeting he was there and asked some more questions about what had happened. I explained that it was simply under the clearance of my desk and when I lowered the laptop was caught under.

I asked if it was a work computer or personal and unfortunately it was a personal one, but he said it was a personal one he uses for work.

I asked if he had a warrant and he didn’t. He explained a few times how he paid for it and he’s gonna go and get a quote for repairs, eventually asking if I can compensate him for the damages, no said amount just some sort of compensation.

I was hesitant at first and advised him to check with the estimate first or talk to his manager and see if there was a resolution. He said his manager told him there’s nothing they can really do because it was a personal computer, so he asked again if I can help with the compensation.

I politely said I cannot because it was an accident and it was left unattended underneath my desk. He said his manager told him if there’s no easy resolution he would have to open a case against HR, I told him that would be a good idea so they can try to find a resolution and I gave him my email and work ID if he needs any more information (it was the end of the work day) and I left.

AITJ for declining to pay for partial damages? My understanding was that if you’re bringing personal items to work you should be responsible for them, especially unattended. It’s a trashy situation but it was my computer I don’t know if I could blame anyone but myself.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. It was damaged in a company building, on company time, by company property operated by a company employee. This is a company problem. I don’t think you were negligent but I would say the same thing if you were negligent.

If HR opens a case then that further proves it’s a company problem. If it wasn’t a company problem then management would have told him to sue you. And all HR can do is write you up or fire you. They can’t withhold your pay (at least in the US).

They can’t even force you to apologize. I doubt it’s even grounds for firing. If you think it will negatively affect your job then consider some sort of compensation. But if you feel secure at work, then don’t assume an obligation that really belongs to the company.” DanInBham1

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here – sounds like it was an awful accident on all accounts. I’m doubtful he wanted his laptop broken so he didn’t do it on purpose and you clearly didn’t either.

Sounds like he reached out to his manager to figure out what to do and sounds like he asked about you providing compensation to see his options and he was probably advised that by management.

Now that he’s done that he’s going to check his options with HR. Honestly don’t blame him on that because clearly, he wants a working laptop and if he can get some support from the company – awesome. Now if he begins to pressure you or harass you then he would clearly be the jerk and you would need to talk to your own manager.

For now – provide the info you can when needed and going forward be more mindful of items around when going from standing to sitting etc, especially in a shared/hoteling situation.” DeannasCorner

Another User Comments:

“I’ll go with NTJ.

It would have been nice if you offered to pay for the laptop, but I don’t think it would be required for several reasons.

I would think your company might prohibit the use of personal laptops for work, and it is not certain that he was using them for work rather than watching YouTube or something.

Another reason is that your company should have purchased motorized desks that have a collision avoidance system.

Those systems stop the desk if it hits anything. If someone’s hand had been injured by the desk, I would think your company would be held responsible.

Finally, I think your coworker was negligent for leaving his laptop open, hanging over the edge of the desk, and unattended. It should not have been positioned in such a way that it would interfere with your desk.

Leaving it unattended is dumb, as it could have been stolen unless it was locked down. Even if it was locked down, it is possible that someone could have tampered with it or viewed personal information stored on it.” Sea-Confection-2627

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Squidmom 1 year ago
NTJ. I had to take my laptop to a training event at work. I stayed near it and when I had to get up I shut my laptop and put it in my bag where it was safe. Sounds like he needs to take better care of his stuff
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6. AITJ For Embarrassing My Fiancé In Front Of My Daughter?

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“I and my fiancée have been together for a few years now.

She’s met my daughter (Kylie 15) and I think they clicked well.

However the issue is I am not okay with her parenting my daughter, I don’t want her to dictate or try to parent her. A lot of people may not like that but this is just what I and my daughter are comfortable with, what she and I had discussed before I engaged and allowed her to move in.

This wasn’t sprung up on my fiancée either, she was told this way before we got together, dated, or engaged so this wasn’t new, I told her that I get it if she doesn’t like that but this is the boundary that I make for me and my daughter.

She seemed to be understanding of that when she was told before. Look up NACHO parenting if you’d like. Again I have no issue with someone not liking this, never have been, I have an issue with her randomly having an issue with it even though she was made aware.

She moved in a few months ago. It started off with her taking her to school, I had no intention of her taking my daughter to school or thinking she was going to do this, but she got up one hour earlier to bring my daughter to school.

Now she ended up going to my daughter and telling her that she wasn’t allowed to go out because she has to do her homework, this ended in an argument between them because my daughter was trying to get a word in and she was cutting her off saying just saying nope you can’t go out.

Once I walked in I told her that she was not going to a hangout, she was going to a library because of a test she has and she will study on that in a group her teacher made for her.

She looked shocked and said ‘well she doesn’t need to be going out like that anyway she won’t focus in a group,’ I said that that was not her decision to make.

I drove Kylie and came back to my fiancée fuming, she said that I completely embarrassed her and that she was probably not even studying.

I was upset and said that again she has no right to try and dictate what my daughter does and if there is such a serious concern come to me about it, but she doesn’t get to argue with my kid like that.

She said, ‘oh well I can drop her off and pick her up from school and do all the inconvenient things but when it comes it discipline she can’t?’

I said no, and she needed to stop thinking she can show me she can parent, it’s not about being a parent that wasn’t the issue, she was told before this boundary we had and it’s not something she can just slowly break down, I said that she did that by choice and went out of her way to make sure I couldn’t say anything until after, and that was her choice.

She left saying she was too mad to talk right now,

I feel like I’m being set up in a way. She was told about this, and I don’t know why it’s being taken something she can fix over time.”

Another User Comments:

“You were perfectly clear with her about your daughter and parental responsibility. She is your partner for several years and you don’t expect her to take on this role.

As long as your daughter is respectful to her and keeps within the boundaries you set, there is no need for this.

Your daughter has to build a relationship with your partner which has to be on her terms. She already has a mother and you so don’t need another.

For me, with blended families, the focus should be on developing a connection that everyone is comfortable with.

The fact is your partner choose to get up early to take your daughter to school, it was not asked for. In terms of the study group, as you were already aware and in agreement with, she should not have tried to stop daughter until she had spoken to you.

The fact is she is trying to make decisions based on her own assumptions of what’s best for daughter which is making the situation worse.

You are NTJ, but you need to set up clear boundaries with your daughter and partner, what partner can support with etc, and understanding your daughter’s needs and comfort.

This is not quite the same situation, but I spend a bit of time with my friend’s kids, while my friend has to go and can’t take them. Whenever kids asked about something or tell they are going to do, I take the lead from my friend, if it’s not something they would want and see my friend stop it, I see if I can get them to wait until my friend gets back or call if need to know and can’t wait.” Possible_Laugh_9139

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

You and your daughter discussed this boundary in advance, and then with your fiancée. It was agreed to by all parties. Your fiancée is definitely setting you up. She wants to be an authority figure over Kylie; it’s literally a power play to make you choose between them, and it looks like if it really comes down to it, you’re making the right choice (your daughter).

When single parents take on a new partner, there are things that need to be considered when structuring the new household dynamic, such as the ages of the children when the new partner is introduced (tweens and teens should not be forced to accept the new partner as a ‘parent’ figure), the relationship with any ex-partner (never, ever put children of any age in the middle of any difficulties between exes; the kids always come first) and an agreement on who will handle discipline and how.

Wishing the best possible future for you and your daughter, and hopefully, your fiancée will see that she has massively overstepped.” BunnySlayer64

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

People in general think they can ‘fix’ what they perceive others have as problems. Usually, women think that after marriage they can change the man they married. Also for men but usually the girls and their nurturing side think a lot about this.

You need to re-think the relationship you have because if she gets worse you better leave or you will have lots of problems with both. You are already doubting yourself hence you came here. You have to reassure that you love her and that she needs to stay out of that part of your life.

Maybe even ask why she does it knowing you said you didn’t want her to…” MetalNerdGuy

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rbleah 1 year ago
Tell her she has ALWAYS KNOWN about this boundary and NO she cannot change the rules JUST BECAUSE SHE MOVED IN. Unless she wants to move back out she needs to check herself and stay in her own lane.
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5. AITJ For Separating My Toddler And Our Dog?

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“My partner M (35) and I F (25) have a 4-year-old toddler and an 8-month-old indoor puppy. They are around each other all the time if we are in the same room but I don’t even like to leave my toddler and dog alone with each other.

The only time I separate them is when I go for a shower and my partner isn’t around. Usually, he is but when he isn’t I usually leave her outside until I’m done, or If it’s too cold/hot outside I put a gate up in an open area inside.

Today I set an area inside for her to be in while I showered. When he got up and saw her he asked me why. I told him it was just to keep them away from each other while no one was in the room.

He got angry.

He doesn’t think anything bad is ever going to happen. He thinks I’m just making the situation worse. He thinks I’m just feeding into the fear-mongering of dogs. He thinks cats would be more likely to be dangerous than dogs.

This isn’t the first time.

He had a previous dog who passed last year, she was about to turn 15, and I knew her for half the time roughly. I told him I wasn’t comfortable leaving both his dog and our baby by themselves. He would argue that she’s never hurt anyone and I would argue back that you just never know.

He gets very defensive and he never changes his mind.

I got mad. I don’t think I did anything wrong. I don’t do it all the time, I make sure our pup is content with where she’s staying for an hour. Other than that time frame, they are free to roam.

I just rather be safe.

But am I in the wrong? Am I overreacting?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

Children and dogs are unpredictable. Your puppy is not yet fully trained and a four-year-old may not know boundaries with pets yet.

It only takes a split second for your toddler to get hurt by the dog.

Could be something innocent as well, such as your toddler hugging the dog but the dog wasn’t prepared and got spooked/didn’t see it coming. A small nip or a defensive bite can happen anytime.

Your partner is being unreasonable. It’s not like you leave them separated all the time, only when they’ll both be out of your sight for a few minutes while showering.” notmyfaultyousuck

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

Your partner talking about stuff like that is a ridiculously extreme scenario. Accidents happen too, especially if you have a large breed puppy. Puppies aren’t aware of their surroundings and toddlers are unsteady on their feet, so your puppy could easily bump your toddler into a table causing a head injury.

Puppies and children should ALWAYS be supervised until the dog are old enough (which is a different age for every dog and you know best when you feel safe leaving them alone).” moonlightracer

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I would never leave any dog alone with a child.

Even if the dog is tiny and toothless (though in that case, I’d be worried about the toddler harming the dog). Children that age aren’t the greatest respecters of personal boundaries, and even the sweetest-natured dog isn’t as a rule great at realizing how delicate we, especially regarding skin, are.

Any dog could lash out if scared and hurt and a relatively gentle reaction that would be fine when given to another dog (for example to a pesky puppy) could hurt a human child.

On top of this, yours is a puppy, constantly learning and having to learn again where her body is up to.

She could quite understandably see your child as a fellow puppy (I’m not calling your child a dog!) and not realize how much more delicate they are. How awful would it be if something happened either to seriously hurt your child, or make them scared of the pup?

Or even if the pup got hurt and got scared of the child?” Katharinemaddison

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deka1 5 months ago
Your husband is an idiot. No one with a grain of intelligence would leave a small child and a young dog alone together. Why are you with his man? Having an incident with the dog while they are alone is a whole lot more likely to instill fear of dogs in her than being separated for an hour ever will. Seriously, your husband is just an idiot.
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4. AITJ For Threatening To Skip Thanksgiving?

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“I was born on Thanksgiving. As a result every year we celebrate Thanksgiving AND my birthday on the same day. I get presents, my favorite leg, and ice cream. It’s how we’ve done it every year with the exception of 2 years because of milestone ages.

The other day my mother makes a group chat and tells the immediate family that we will have 1 extra guest. My BIL. His birthday falls this Friday. An entire week before Thanksgiving break.

My mom found this out and said that we can do a joint birthday.

I told her no, I didn’t want that. She argued that it was his birthday too and she could do what she wanted. I flat out said if I see a cake made for him I’m leaving and I’m not coming back.

The group chat did not like that. Everyone started defending my mother calling me a brat and selfish, but I just don’t wanna share another thing that was supposed to be for me.

My high school graduation? Overshadowed by my stepfather’s retirement.

Getting into college?

Oh, my older brother got in too (an entire semester before me) let’s celebrate.

I get overlooked so much that I paid for my own senior pictures and graduation pictures. (But I’m conceited enough to gift those pictures to everyone for every occasion.)

So, AITJ?

Edit to add: The year I was born I was born on thanksgiving. We celebrate it on thanksgiving every year. It’s a tradition.

Edit to add 2: I have spoken to my family about my feelings and everything that entails that. They still ignore me and call me selfish.

Update/Edit: The way I went about it could have been and should have been better. I will apologize for that, and for being a bit dramatic in my word choice. I also realize that maybe this issue wasn’t the issue I needed to be focused on.

It was the straw that broke the camel’s back, and I blew it up way more than I needed to. I will not be going to family Thanksgiving this year, instead, I will be hosting my own Friendsgiving. No birthday talk until the ACTUAL day of my birth, and I’ll think of something to do with my friends.

I also feel like I should clear some things up: I don’t get the entire day, I get 10 minutes set aside for ice cream and 2 presents. I get my favorite RIGHT leg at dinner but that’s as far as being ‘special’ gets. Seriously, after those ten minutes, I go back to being ignored. As a matter of fact, I’m the only one who cleans the kitchen because if I say no everyone screams at me.

I don’t particularly like having my birthday on the holiday. But I know how my family gets when I would like to change something, so I’ve never argued about that aspect of it.

I love my BIL and my entire family. It’s just us.

No extended family comes, and no one from out of state or even hours away comes.

I listed a few but not all examples of times I’ve been cast aside. My brother got two college acceptance celebrations. Once for just him and then the second time for him AND me.

My own traditions start now. I am an adult and  I need to act like it.”

Another User Comments:

“I’m stuck between NTJ and ‘no jerks here’ for this one because while you are entirely justified in not wanting to have to further share your birthday celebration at this point, the way you described how the conversation in the group chat went, it seems like you came across as a huge jerk.

Obviously, I don’t know the exact content of the group chat, but there’s going to be a bit of a difference in how your stance is perceived between saying ‘I’ve already had to share my birthday and other major milestones with other celebrations for years now, and lumping in someone else’s birthday on top of that just feels like adding insult to injury at this point’ and saying ‘I refuse to acknowledge someone else’s birthday on what should be my special day.’

Another factor I’d be curious about is if you’ve previously made your thoughts about this clear. If you’ve already brought up the subject of your birthdays and many major milestones being shunted to the side, then not going out of your way to spoonfeed it to your family again is entirely reasonable, but if you’ve never expressed your feelings on the matter before, then it’s less that they’re being egregiously dismissive of you and more being somewhat oblivious as to how their actions might have affected you.

So, you’re justified either way, but your family members are only jerks here if they should have already known your feelings on the matter from previous discussions.” IAmMrSpoo

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, no it’s not selfish to want your birthday to be just your birthday when you’re also sharing it with another major event already.

The fact that there is a history in your family of your days being overshadowed by someone else makes your reaction make sense. If you have a history of your family treating you like you’re not equal, you are going to get defensive about your family doing it again.

But I think you need to see that they’ve already given you their answer. Not only in the historical incidents, but in the fact that your mother called you a brat on this, and then everyone else backed her up. You shouldn’t threaten to not go to thanksgiving, you should end the conversation.

You are not going to Thanksgiving.

If you plan right now, perhaps you in any single friends who aren’t going to be with their families can make an event together, or you can get in on a community Thanksgiving for single individuals, or create your own day.

You should not spend it with people who you would just be accepting the mistreatment of to go. There’s no way this would end with you being able to civilly have this Thanksgiving with your family.” JCBashBash

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

It sounds like this is less about just the birthday and more about building resentment regarding feeling not as important as others.

It sounds like there were always reasons for other accomplishments to never be equally acknowledged and you’ve silently felt hurt by it. This birthday, even though it doesn’t really seem like you’ve ever had a traditional celebration aside from milestones, probably was one time you felt somewhat acknowledged by loved ones and now you feel like it’s being taken away.

Would you suggest breaking tradition and having a birthday party for yourself on the weekend? I’d say getting spiteful in the group chat probably isn’t your best bet, but try expressing why this is important to you to your mom and maybe you can do something special for you.” DaddyDevito967

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Ljones 1 year ago
Ntj you do you and celebrate your birthday your way and if that means not with your family so be it. They don't sound like very good people
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3. AITJ For Asking My Fiancé To Change Clothes?

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“My fiancé (30 cis f) works as an executive at a big company and gets to work from home in leggings and crop tops. She is regularly stating she loves that about her job.

That she can do dyed hair, tattoos, etc. and they don’t care. She also comes from generational wealth. She is also white. Comes from plantation money.

I do not (trans 29) I came from poverty and ‘trailer trash’ and worked my way up to become a professor at a nice private college.

I am Latinx. I love my job. I can wear dyed hair and tattoos and piercings too, but I dress professionally.

There was a nice work event to celebrate the fall quarter. The president of the college was there, it was in an art gallery downtown.

Nice band. Fancy cocktails. We were allowed to bring a guest.

I was nervous because as an out trans guy, I regularly face a lot of microaggressions in the workplace. Something my fiancé knows and makes jokes about me being the token diversity hire.

My fiancé picked out two dresses the night before and asked me what I thought.

I picked the one that was flattering, but not skin tight, nicer material, and hugged her body in more appropriate areas. She got upset. Cried because I don’t accept her as she is.

The next day comes and I’m putting on my suit and tie.

As I walk into the bathroom, I see her putting on the tight, less nice dress. We got into an argument. She put on the dress I picked.

She didn’t talk to me the whole night. Pouted.

She looked beautiful but later she said I was controlling, and that she felt rejected for who she is.

I found out she told her friends who now think I’m a controlling toxic fiancé.

AITJ?

Update: I came home with bruises on my fiancée as she got dressed. I asked her what the bruises were from. Apparently, she has been having an affair.

They weren’t bruises. They were hickies. I don’t know for how long this has been going on. I couldn’t bring myself to ask.

I asked her to leave my house as soon as she can get moved out. She begged. We were to be getting pregnant soon.

She asked about that and I said she can have a baby with the new guy. She rolled her eyes. She begged for couples counseling. I said no. I let her keep the ring. I didn’t want to look at it.

I told her she can take the month to pack up her stuff and find a new place.

I left for a friend’s house. And am staying with him for some time.

I mentioned my now-ex’s background because she comes from a direct line of that plantation wealth and has had a hard time understanding an inkling of what it’s like to face consequences or let alone face oppression.

It’s mean to say such people should be accepted unconditionally as if that’s the same as the lack of acceptance I face on a regular basis. She will never face the level of judgment I face. And that’s okay to openly admit.

That doesn’t mean someone is resentful. It means they are realistic. It’s realistic to admit this and to understand any judgment she faces for where her family’s wealth came from will never be as bad as actual oppression.

My therapist suggested a program for survivors.

I start in a couple of weeks. There’s a lot I need to admit to myself. About how I allowed this to continue. Why I even kept seeing her in the first place and why I ignored them so much.”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ – as a trans person, you know how important it is to be seen and recognized and treated with respect for who you are, even if that doesn’t fit the boxes that other people are habituated to and comfortable with.

You of all people owe that same treatment to your fiancee. Regardless of how ridiculous her dress appeared to you (and likely was), ‘this’ is who she is. And she felt that you bullied her into hiding it.

I’m not sure how your disparate backgrounds justify the double standard you’ve shown here.

It comes across as a means to privilege your perspective because of your less privileged background while denigrating her perspective because hers was more privileged.

Asking for your thoughts about which of two dresses to wear doesn’t mean she’s asking your permission or ceding her autonomy.

I think if you hadn’t presented yourself in terms of identity that is privileged in this corner of the internet, and hadn’t presented her in such unflattering, loaded terms, the comments on this thread would be quite different. It’s a bit surprising that this community is so positive about a man controlling what a woman wears just so long as the man checks the right identity boxes….” Superdry73

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here.

She should have worn a different dress, and throwing a fit about not accepting her for who she is doesn’t really cut it when it reflects poorly on you at work.

What stands out to me though is that you seem to have resentment against your fiance for her privilege.

What is the point of including her socioeconomic status in this post, or saying she comes from plantation money? That has 0 to do with her picking between 2 dresses she already owns.

That, coupled with her blatant ‘jokes’ about you being a diversity hire really points to me that this relationship is pretty toxic.

I don’t know the details, but from reading this, you two don’t sound like you love and support each other.” likeanaughtyavocado

Another User Comments:

“Soft YTJ. Not because you wanted her to wear the less revealing dress but because you did not have an adult conversation about the event, the dress code, and your concerns, before.

You should have had a chat with your fiancé and said: You are concerned about how coworkers perceive you and until you feel more secure in your workplace, with stronger coworker relationships, and some trusted mentors and team lead there, you want to be fairly low profile.

Express your concern that as a Latinx and as a transman, you suffer some regular workplace microaggressions, and at this time, you want to just go and portray a toned-down version, not draw extra attention, and suss out how these outside-of-work events go. That you would really appreciate her support with this at this time.

Then, she can either say she understands and is cool with a more subdued style OR she could say she refuses.

This would also be good because then you would know that she really does care about you and can empathize with your situations OR that she is a self-centered ‘main character’ that is not good as a life partner.” cynicalmaru

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here: It’s hard to say exactly without seeing the dresses to know the differences completely, but it sounds like one was slightly more appropriate for this event based on OP’s description. The fiance is in the wrong for asking the opinion of OP and then being mad when an opinion is given, especially since OP is likely more familiar with what the norm for dressing at this event will be.

However, assuming the dress isn’t completely inappropriate, OP should not insist that the fiance changes or argue over what is ultimately her decision. Unless the dress is so inappropriate that she would not be allowed in or possibly ridiculed for wearing it, you should respect what she chooses to wear even if it is a different fit or style than you might prefer her to wear.

A man asking his fiance to dress less sexy can be just as wrong and sexist as a man asking his fiance to dress sexier.” sc363

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mima 1 year ago
Ntj. You dress appropriately for work functions. Period.
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2. WIBTJ If I Stop Helping My "Adopted" Kid?

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“I (30f) basically take care of my niece’s best friend Lana (17f). She doesn’t live with me, but I’ve been the one mostly buying her food and clothes and paying for her phone in exchange for babysitting my son when I need it. Lana stays 2 roads away (a 10 min walk tops) at her grandparents’ after being kicked out by her parents and is often over at my house just hanging out and waiting for if I need help.

She used to have a fast food job another 5-10 min walk from my house, but I’d drive her to and from work most days but she recently got fired.

Now, she had a pretty nice deal with her grandparents. $50 every two weeks for rent, she pays for the food that she keeps there and helps with the house.

But there was another housemate that would make snide comments about living with a ‘crappy no good teenager,’ and Lana took major offense to it.

Just yesterday Lana suddenly told me she was moving 30 minutes away THAT NIGHT and wanted me to be the one taking her out to look for work in that area, plus getting her to and from whichever job she gets since she doesn’t have her own car.

WIBTJ If I tell her not only will I not be hauling her around that far away but I’ll be shutting off the phone service I pay for since she will no longer be able to come to babysit?

EDIT/UPDATE: I sat down with Lana and had a long talk (while also driving her to put in applications near her new home).

We decided I’d be her emergency contact at whatever job she gets, I will keep paying for her phone until she has at LEAST one paycheck in the bank and can switch the payment to her card, and I also found out her reason for suddenly moving.

She’s been having what seems to be paranoid thoughts that her family, particularly her parents, are trying to sabotage and kill her and that moving 30 minutes away to a different city will keep her safe.

My husband and I also offered if Lana needs to move back to the area for whatever reason, that she can move in with us for no rent or added stipulations other than just keeping the room we’re making up for her somewhat tidy.

UPDATE2: Yes, I know Lana seems to need some sort of mental health help. We came back to my place so she could nap as she asked after dropping the bomb about the thoughts her family are coming after her. Once she wakes up, I’ll bring up her possibly needing therapy, and we’ll go from there.”

Another User Comments:

“YWBTJ – where I’m taking issue here is that OP calls Lana her ‘adopted’ kid in the title, but then describes her in terms that make her sound more like just a babysitter who is getting paid in kind with food and clothes and a phone.

At the very least, there’s a bit of a disconnect here – OP wants to cut off Lana abruptly, which would make sense if Lana is just a babysitter who is abruptly moving away and abruptly cutting off services. How much babysitting were we really talking about, and how did the in-kind payments stack up against what would have been the payments?

If, on the other hand, Lana is ‘not’ just a babysitter, if she really is an ‘adopted’ kid, then OP should have to roll with the punches a little bit – haul her out to her new place, and give her a grace period of a month before shutting off the phone, because that’s the kind of thing you do for ‘family.'” Superdry73

Another User Comments:

“Rough situation but soft YTJ.

‘Now, she had a pretty nice deal with her grandparents. $50 every two weeks for rent, she pays for the food that she keeps there and helps with the house.’

This is not a good deal. 17-year-olds should not be paying rent or having to pay for food, keeping the house, etc. 17-year-olds should be having fun being teenagers, doing homework, and preparing for college/apprenticeships/alternative job options.

This is a deeply unpleasant situation for her and your kindness is understandably something she was relying on as a stable adult in her life.

17-year-olds often don’t think things through that well and this type of sudden move makes a lot of sense in that regard.

She clearly wants to keep her relationship with you no matter that she’s moving a little way away. You’re under no obligation to keep being as helpful and generous as you have been, but this girl clearly doesn’t have anyone else in her life she can count on.

Cutting her off will probably do a lot of damage to her.

If you can afford to do so it would be far better to keep helping not just in the way you have been but in getting her thinking about the long term. Finishing school, getting a decent job, and being able to budget for everything she needs, she’ll probably need some sort of welfare assistance for a while given the economic situation, etc. Basically teaching her what she needs so that she doesn’t need your help long term.

This is something her family should have done but they’re clearly massively the jerk to let her get into this mess.” Remarkable-Intern-41

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here except for Lana who is an incredibly vulnerable young person. She might not act appropriately or with thoughtfulness but every adult in her life appears to behave with extreme callous disregard for her.

Her school should have checked in and worked through options when she got sick while making sure she had a stable home life, her doctor should have checked she was receiving help at home and does not get severely sick, and her grandparents should not have used her as unpaid domestic work while exposing her to a mean adult who insults her, her job should have supported since hair color does not affect food.

She cannot know things when it doesn’t sound like she has been raised near a single caring, intelligent person or with any stability. Her story is just evidence that an entire community stood by while a child was neglected and mistreated and made homeless and every time she appears to have tried to work through it, make herself useful and every time someone else comes by to kick her back down.

She dyed her hair? She’s 17? Kids do that but someone decided getting food from an aesthetically pleasing child was more important than that kid working. The only lesson that would have taught her is that if she does small harmless things that bring her joy adults will ruin her entire life.” HannahAnthonia

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Kclillie 1 year ago
Ntj you area very caring individual but why would you offer to let a person move into your home seeing they are on the cusp of a mental health crisis. Don’t get me wrong help her but try to talk her into getting some help. You have children in your home and eventually they have to come first.
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1. AITJ For Leaving My Mother-In-Law In A Parking Lot?

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“I (F26) am a stay-at-home mom and I pick up my daughter after school. My husband (M35) takes her to school in the mornings on the way to his work.

MIL got divorced a couple of months ago and not-so-subtly complained to my husband that she was lonely, so my husband insisted that we have her over every weekend. MIL and I don’t get along. For example, MIL has always made snide remarks about me being a teenage mom but I learned to ignore it since my husband asked me to keep the peace.

When she began coming over, she would make comments about how dusty the floor was, how much laundry was in the basket, etc. – hinting that I should be doing more housework as a stay-at-home mom. The final straw was when she commented about our daughter’s academic abilities, saying stuff about how she’s below standard academic level and blaming me for not putting in the effort to teach her.

After a big argument, my husband finally agreed that only he would visit MIL at her home. MIL and I haven’t spoken to each other since.

MIL’s catalytic converter got stolen yesterday and hasn’t gotten fixed yet. My husband drove her to work this morning and asked me to pick her up.

I said no. MIL works fairly close to our daughter’s school (about a 15-minute walk). In the middle of the day, my husband sends me a text saying that he convinced MIL to walk to our daughter’s school so I can pick up both of them.

I arrive at my daughter’s school and see MIL with daughter. I walk up to them and tell MIL that she can find a way home and that I’m not going to give her a lift. She started to create a scene and the other parents and children were starting to stare, so I took my daughter by the hand and drove away.

My husband yelled at me when he got home, saying that I embarrassed MIL in front of the other parents and left her stranded when I could have easily driven her home. It really wouldn’t have been much work to drive her home one time and I’m regretting causing a scene at my daughter’s school because her classmates and their parents might have seen it.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I was going to go with ‘everyone sucks here,’ but then I realized your husband was an adult who knocked up a teen and then let his mother treat his wife horribly for years. You said no. He heard no. He manipulated you anyway

Your MIL has spent years trying to humiliate you, I’m not going to call you a jerk when you finally were able to draw boundaries. She knows full well what she was doing all those years. Your husband knows too. He just doesn’t care.

This has always been a husband’s problem.

He doesn’t stand up for you and doesn’t care that you said no. He still thinks you are a teen and he is the adult and therefore he can manipulate you. He would rather keep mommy happy than respect you. There is a reason older guys are with younger women and you are feeling the repercussions years later.

You have matured and are better able to stand up for yourself and he just doesn’t respect that.” Corpuscular_Ocelot

Another User Comments:

“‘MIL has always made snide remarks about me being a teenage mom’. OP, I hope she’s made the same snide remarks to the person who helped you get pregnant by sleeping with you when you were a teenager.

Which would be her son, I believe.

She’s done nothing to earn your affection or respect. She criticizes your housekeeping, and your child’s academic prowess (the child who shares her and her son’s genes, I might add) and outright accuses you of not helping your child study.

Your husband is very keen for you – YOU – to keep the peace but has no intention of holding his mother to the same standard. He is happy to let you run around after her despite knowing how his mother treats you. He is afraid to stand up to her.

Your husband arranged WITH HER that she should get to your child’s school and that you would then take her home. You were not part of the conversation, and at no point were you asked if you could take her. You were TOLD you could give her a lift. and yes, you could easily have done so.

But why should you? At what point were you ASKED if could you take her, rather than being ordered to? At what point did darling husband say ‘I’ll just quickly call OP and ask her if she can give you a lift home if you can get to the school.’?

Total disrespect from both of them.

On that basis NTJ. Your husband, on the other hand…” The_Blonde1

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here.

You should have an adult conversation with your MIL about your boundaries and how you won’t tolerate her demeaning you with her comments.

The state of your home and your child’s education is not her business and she can leave those subjects alone.

But instead, you make your point by leaving her at your kid’s school without any way of getting home.

I get it – she’s a pain in the butt, but acting like a child doesn’t help the situation.

Your husband knows how you feel, he knows how his mother feels and still puts you in a position of having to drive her home.

You all suck.” Anoyu

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rbleah 1 year ago
Get a job, get you and your daughter out. Then get a divorce. Remember to DOCUMENT EVERYTHING they say and do.
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