People Can't Wait To Hear Our Thoughts On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Situation
16. AITJ For Refusing To Leave My Ex's Wedding After His Bride Asked Me To Leave?
“This sounds a bit more like a petty revenge tactic from a bitter ex than a simple, “I’m going to attend a wedding.”
“My ex and I had a peaceful divorce.
We co-parent our 3 children together and there haven’t really been many issues. My ex is getting married to Stephanie. I like Stephanie she has been great with my kids and makes my ex happy. My ex invited me to their wedding and I was happy for him. It was my day with the kids so it made sense for me to come was his reasoning.
When I arrived at the wedding Stephanie thanked me for dropping the kids off and brushed me off. We had never had any issues before.
I explained that I was going to stay for the reception and she was very upset. I was confused because I assumed she knew I would be in attendance. It turned out she didn’t consider that I would actually accept the invitation.
I told her that I was invited and since I took the 2-hour drive I would be staying for the entire duration. She didn’t like this response. Stephanie asked me to leave and I stood my ground. She went on to complain about my dress upstaging hers. My ex and former mother-in-law helped her to calm down and the wedding shortly began.
I thought that was the end of it, but later in private Stephanie accused me of trying to ruin her special day. She is convinced that I wanted to show off and make the wedding about my divorce. She said it was rude for me not to leave after the bride requested it because it was her special day.
I told her that I am not responsible for her insecurities and once again reminded her that I have no interest in ”stealing” my ex back.”
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
If your ex and his new wife didn’t want you to attend, they should not have invited you. Instead, they put you in a position where you drove two hours (I’m assuming, each way) to be bounced at the door.
Your ex’s wife was the jerk for blaming you for her own insecurities. And then telling you to leave after she invited you. Use your words, people!
You are the jerk because you are being kicked out of a wedding. Is it crappy? Yes. But you should have shown grace and class and left. Once the bride asked you to leave, you KNEW she didn’t actually want you there and you stayed knowing you would make her day uncomfortable.
You lost any moral high ground by staying.
Personally, other than not wearing white, this whole “don’t upstage the bride” is nonsense. Some brides are ugly, others are mousy, others have bad style. Some guests have outrageous beauty, some are charismatic, some shine naturally. Nobody should diminish themselves so the bride doesn’t feel less than.
Ridiculous and shallow. Several of my closest female friends are way prettier than me (by conventional beauty standards). For them not to upstage me in terms of beauty they would have had to not be there, lol. At no point did having women that shine more than I do make my day any less special.” veroaf
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and so is your ex. Your ex should never have invited you to his next wedding.
You should not have gone. No reason why you couldn’t have sent the children with their other family members.
You should not have stayed when the bride said you were not welcome.
It doesn’t matter how friendly the divorce was, or how well you co-parent.
No one wants to see their new husband’s ex-wife on their wedding day. I’m very fond of my stepchild’s mum, I consider her to be like family, but she did not come to my wedding. Who does that?” ResponseMountain6580
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
If I showed up at an event I’d been invited to, after wrangling two children for a two-hour commute, only to be told that, yes, I’d been invited, but no, they didn’t actually expect me to come — and then asked me to leave — I would be beyond livid.
What makes this even worse is the implication that the ex would have had to arrange a pick-up for the kids after the event, which makes for a total of EIGHT HOURS of travel time in a single day. And who’s supposed to watch the kids at the wedding, if their mom isn’t allowed to be there?
The couple getting married is going to be too busy with their special day, and Mom thought she’d be attending, so there’s no way she could have arranged something in advance.
This should have been sorted with the bride and her fiance months in advance, and if she really didn’t want this woman to attend, they never should have sent the invite.
The couple getting married should have arranged transport for the kids and for someone to mind them during the wedding.” Asidian_M
15. AITJ For Refusing To Help My Friend With Their Wedding?
“I have a close friend from college who’s getting married, and she’s been asking for my help to contribute to her wedding. I think it’s sweet that she’s thinking of me, but I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to help out financially.
My friend and I have been close for a few years now, and I’m happy for her.
She is struggling financially, and they have asked that instead of wedding gifts, people can donate to parts of their wedding ceremony (there is a registry and everything, like “table flowers” and stuff). I know she’s trying to save as much as possible for certain reasons unrelated to the wedding. But I just don’t think it’s right for me to be helping her out with the costs at this time.
I’m a recent doctorate candidate (soon), am currently writing a memoir, and I don’t know when I will have time to get a job – anything I give is just that much less time I can live on my own. Even if I could afford it, I don’t think it’s fair that I should have to help out when I know her fiance already has a job and could definitely get another, and some of his friends seem well off.
I tried to explain my financial situation to my friend, but she’s still asking for help, even a little. She suggested that I could contribute a much smaller amount than others, but I still don’t think it’s a good idea. I told her that if I was in a better financial situation I would be more than happy to help out, but right now it just isn’t possible.
My friend got really mad at me and said that I was selfish and that she expected more from me. Our group of friends all pledged to help pay for each other’s weddings back in college, and she says that since she helped pay for my wedding ($550), that I should help her out, even if it’s just $20.
She is also threatening to tell our group of friends, just because all of them contributed to my wedding – but she completely ignores the fact that my marriage didn’t last even one year.
I don’t want to lose her friendship, and I really don’t want her to tell our friends – my financial situation is private.
More importantly, I also don’t want to be taken advantage of. AITJ for not wanting to help pay for her wedding?
A couple of other points:
My friend’s fiancé agreed to purchase my ticket to fly, so giving up that finances and not going is not an option.
My friend did also give me a wedding gift, which I returned.
I do not have the finances for a wedding gift, but I believe being there for her on her big day is a present itself – everyone laughs when I say “my presence is present enough” so I don’t think it’s as negative as others see it.
I have not been accepted into a school yet, I am starting to apply for Ph.D.
programs. I’m writing a memoir as a tribute and gift back for my experiences – and doing it now to prepare to become a doctor.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You had no problem taking her (and the rest of your friends’) finances when it was your wedding. That it didn’t last even a year is immaterial. Your friends are not responsible for your poor choice of partners.
You made an agreement, your friends fulfilled their obligation, and now you’re trying to renege on your responsibility.
Now she’s asking for help even if it’s a trivial amount (seriously, it’s $20) and your response is to refuse. How is expecting reciprocity and fulfillment of an agreement you entered into and have already benefited from you being taken advantage of?
Is your plan to stiff all of your friends? For someone supposedly decently educated, you have a lot to learn about basic life and social skills. Read a book on social capital.
Yes, you’re incredibly selfish. I get the financial difficulties of being a Ph.D. candidate, I’ve been one myself and lived with a shoestring budget, but that’s not a pass to be a greedy, self-centered cheapskate.
I still gave wedding presents even if it was less than what I would’ve liked. Presents for others are part of having a budget. Yes, it meant I had to make sacrifices, but that’s freaking life.” ElonDiddlesKids
Another User Comments:
“I was so ready to say NTJ until I got to the end. I’m personally of the mindset that if you can’t afford a big wedding, don’t have one; do what you can afford.
But the fact that she contributed a sizeable amount to your wedding and you brush it off like it doesn’t count since your marriage didn’t last longer than a year is ridiculous. She didn’t get a refund since your marriage failed. And she was even ok with you just giving $20 to hold up your end of the arrangement, which speaks volumes on how flexible and accommodating she is.
YTJ if you haven’t gotten that by now.” minadelic
Another User Comments:
“YTJ x 1000000.
You’re claiming your presence at her wedding is a gift, even though others are footing the bill for your ticket. Trash.
It isn’t your friend’s (or any of the other friends, either) fault that your marriage failed prior to even reaching a single anniversary.
That’s a YOU problem. Don’t try to make it hers.
You clearly took advantage of the agreement made in college between your friend group, to help with each other’s ceremonies, by taking significant amounts of their assistance, and now refusing to see through your end of the bargain.
You aren’t a doctoral candidate. Whatsoever. You’re saying you’re GOING TO APPLY for Ph.D.
programs…haven’t even put ink to paper on an application, much less been accepted into any. You’re “writing a memoir to honor…” blah blah blah. Whatever. Here’s the reality: you’re unemployed and not wanting to get a job, which means whatever financial cushion you have, at the moment, is one you’re trying to stretch as thin as possible without having a tear in it that causes a hole that will result in you having to be an adult, get a job, and earn a salary to support yourself.
Don’t contribute and I hope your “friend” cuts you completely off for being so selfish, entitled, and greedy.
And, let me reiterate…YTJ.” IceolatedAF
14. AITJ For Refusing To Let My Daughter Move Back In?
“My husband and I have 3 children (25f) (16m) (13f). Our oldest moved out 3 years ago with her partner and got an apartment. They had been together 4 years before that, so it wasn’t like she ran off with some guy she just met. We supported her decision, she was old enough and working full-time.
The issue is, rent in our area has more than doubled on average since.
Their landlord raised the rent by 40% in the span of 3 months, and they couldn’t afford to stay there anymore. The issue is, they weren’t exactly swimming in money before that. They don’t really have enough for first, last, and security with the market, not that there’s much, anyway, in their price range.
Their plan was to move in with her partner’s parents for a few months while they figured stuff out and saved up, but they wouldn’t let her come with him.
So they proposed an idea, she’d move back in with us, him with his parents, and they’d save up and be gone in 6 months tops. The issue is that my husband and I don’t feel that’s appropriate. She’s an adult now, and she needs to learn to take care of herself, not rely on handouts from her parents.
She offered to pay rent, but we would only do that if she agreed to pay the market average plus her share of utilities, which would mean she couldn’t save up like she wanted to.
Because we aren’t doing that, she’s been forced to share a 2-bed apartment with 6 other people, some of whom she finds “sketchy.” I feel for her, but I still think it’s her responsibility.
At this point, she doesn’t call much anymore and I’m worried this may have impacted our relationship.”
Another User Comments:
“You acknowledge that your daughter’s landlord screwed her…then paint the blame on her for not being responsible enough…then ask if that makes you the jerk.
Honestly, it is obvious why you are asking, you’re trying to justify your position you can’t even with yourself.
But you still asked, so let me give you the answer you already clearly know yourself.
YTJ. Market inflation is pushing us rapidly towards a recession. The landlord wanted more bucks to combat that. That screwed over your daughter…and she and her man found two doors waiting for them back home.
Good luck with damage control.
If she brings you any grandkids, you’ll need it.” TheEuphoricTribble
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your daughter seems to be a very responsible woman. She moved out after being together with her partner for over 4 years and has a full-time job to support her own family and to live at home.
How is it her fault that the rent went up by 40%?
What do you think she could have done to avoid that? Asking her boss to give her a raise about the same amount? Never gonna happen.
Now she is desperate and trying very hard to find a solution to her problem. And until she can be on her own feet again she is asking you for help.
From your description, she really tried hard to find another solution to her problem first and you seem to be the last resort.
Sorry, but in my opinion, you are a massive jerk. Do you even want her to pay the market value for the rent? How is she ever getting on her own feet again if you behave like that.
Of course you are not a charity, but I am sure that she would be willing to help you out with her siblings and help you at the house to keep it clean.
You are only asking if you are the jerk because you already think you are and you are searching for someone to back you up on your decision.
If I were your daughter, I probably wouldn’t talk to you at all anymore.” GermanGigaDepp1987
Another User Comments:
“MAJOR YTJ.
The housing market is crazy right now. It’s nothing like when you were growing up. Completely different. When you were growing up you could afford a place on a minimum wage job. Not saying that you did that, just that you could.
In many places that is not possible at all anymore. The world is always changing.
In many cultures, it is expected for adult children to live with their families for a while. For some reason, we in America have largely not followed that, but that doesn’t mean that it has to be the case.
I have just graduated college and am currently living with my parents while I job search and work construction part-time. I am very grateful because it allows me to make sure I can actually get the job I want, and start my career off the right way. If not for them, I would’ve been forced to take the first job that came my way just to pay rent.
Also, you mentioned how the landlord is scalping her for rent, and your solution would be to do the same thing? She’s been out on her own for years now. She doesn’t need lessons, SHE NEEDS HELP FROM HER MOTHER FOR CHRIST’S SAKE.” Big_Mac18
13. AITJ For Requesting That My Roommate Leaves Her Cat In Her Bedroom?
“I (24F) live with my girl (25F) and a roommate (23F). We share a two-bedroom apartment and have lived together for 2 years now. Up until now, we have gotten along pretty well.
My roommate has an elderly cat. The cat is honestly kinda mean. She doesn’t like me or my girl and will run away if we try to pet her or pick her up.
So we just avoid each other.
My roommate asked if we had cats prior to moving in because she said her cat “doesn’t like other cats.” We did not have any pets at the time so it worked out. We did tell her that we might want one someday to which she said we would have to revisit the issue if it came up.
Well, my girl and I have gotten to a place where we really want a pet of our own. We saw a kitten at the shelter and just fell in love with him. We got the okay from our landlord and brought him home last week! His name is Banana Pudding!
Our roommate is furious with us.
She told us that we were aware that her cat doesn’t like other cats. I told her honestly that it was unfair for us to have to tiptoe around her cat and that we were allowed to have our own pets as long as the landlord is okay with it (which he is). She couldn’t expect us to never get a pet or to cater to her cat’s needs 24/7.
The conversation ended there.
Unfortunately, things have escalated because her cat hisses and swats at Banana Pudding just for existing. She is honestly pretty aggressive which is a big issue imo. Our kitten is very friendly and sweet and causes no problems.
We asked our roommate to keep her cat in her bedroom since she’s elderly and aggressive.
She refused and hasn’t been speaking to us. She says we are huge jerks and even got some mutual friends to take her side. I personally think that if her cat is so aggressive and uncomfortable, it’s her responsibility to live alone. It’s gotten so bad that my girl is crying and considering taking the kitten back to the shelter.
So here I am to get an outside perspective because idk what to think now.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Getting a new cat is a decision that involves everyone who lives in the house.
She doesn’t have the right to say no but she does have the right to participate in a discussion about how to navigate it.
And if she’s absolutely unwilling to live in a house with another cat, you need to give her time and space to find other living arrangements.
You can’t just show up with a kitten and be all, “Your cat has to stay in your room now.”
You three all need to work together to find a way to get the cats to coexist. You can find websites that talk about how to acclimate new cats to each other, and I suggest you read them.
You just saying, “Your cat needs to stay in your room,” isn’t practical or reasonable or fair.
(In fact, most people in your situation limit the new cats until they’ve navigated the getting-to-know-each-other phase for the cats. I have friends who literally just got new kittens and are doing this with one of their roommate’s cats.
The kittens don’t know there’s a whole house out there. The old cat is going to struggle with suddenly being forced into a fraction of his old domain.)” HotspurJr
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for bringing a pet into a shared home without discussing it with your roommate, and frankly doing it without any consideration for her cat or your kitten.
I have 5 cats and I’ve been around the block a few times when it comes to introducing new cats & getting harmony.
You don’t just throw cats together and wait for them to work it out. They aren’t dogs. You take it slowly, especially if one of them has lived the majority of their life alone.
I have 3 extremely outgoing friendly cats that I use to socialize rescues. If I threw a kitten into my house with no warning today 2 of those 3 would be hissing and swatting because of the shock. The other 2 would be unbelievably livid.
Kittens don’t need the free rein of a home or apartment. They should actually be limited when they aren’t in your direct supervision anyway.
They love to do dumb things like chewing up cords, chewing & eating plastic, getting stuck behind the fridge, etc. Until you’ve gotten to know them they shouldn’t be out unattended anyways.
Kittens need to be socialized and if they don’t have another cat to play with they can be terrible. Every rescue I’ve worked with either insists you get two kittens or make sure you are taking a kitten home to an already social cat.
Kittens are social, so it’s unlikely your kitten is simply existing. It’s probably trying to play with the older cat, and doing it whether the older cat likes it or not. Kittens play by hunting/stalking/wrestling, it’s universal. The kitten is probably annoying the older cat trying to play.
Unless the kitten is being full-on attacked by the older cat, it’s actually probably fine.
Cats hiss. They swat. Even friendly cats aren’t cuddling together 24/7.
So in conclusion, keep your kitten in your room unless you are home and supervising. Older cat should have somewhere that is inaccessible to the kitten. Kitten is learning social norms, and part of that is being hissed at and swatted. Cats that dislike each other will probably learn to exist separately in the same place if introduced slowly & properly.” Prestigious-Floor848
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – first of all, you didn’t introduce this kitten to its new home properly. New cats are to be kept in their own space and introduced slowly. You’re being a HORRIBLE pet owner by allowing your new kitten to freely explore in another cat’s established territory. It’s in danger! Jesus Christ. You sound like very irresponsible people (and shouldn’t be cat owners, tbh).
Second, you agreed to live in a house with an animal that does not do well with other animals. You already said this was fine with you when you moved in.
Third, what a jerk move to get a new animal without asking your roommate. That’s horrible roommate etiquette.
Take the kitten back to the shelter, OP.
You’re acting like you’re 12, not 24.” babbyhotline
However, you were absolutely the jerk for not discussing it. Now 2 innocent animals have to pay the price. YOU keep YOUR kitten in the room.
It is possible and likely they will get used to eachother, but for some reason everyone thinks these things happen overnight. News flash, sometimes it takes years and never happens at all.
12. AITJ For Refusing To Let My Stepdad And His Kids Stay At My House?
“My dad died when I was 5 and my mom married my stepdad around 3 years later. He had two kids as well, a boy that was 3 years older than me and a daughter that was 2 years younger, and he always treated them better than he treated me. My mom was a stay-at-home mom and never worked. He held the fact that he saved us from poverty over our heads.
Things didn’t get really bad though until my half-brother was born. He’s 8 years younger than me, and I think he was part of the reason why they got married in the first place. When he turned 3, they moved him into my room, and then when he was 6, they (really my stepfather) decided he deserved his own room, so he took my room and I started living out of the living room.
I slept on the couch and all of my clothes were stuffed into a coat closet. Any clothes that didn’t fit in the tiny closet were donated away. Then when I turned 16, my stepdad demanded I get a job and start paying rent. My older stepbrother was taking a gap year before college and didn’t have to do that.
The only one that was at all decent was my stepsister who even begged her dad to let me stay in her room. He refused, which I don’t blame her for because it would definitely be inappropriate for a 17-year-old boy to share a room with a 16-year-old girl.
When I graduated from high school, my stepfather told me that he would not be paying for my college.
A year before he had agreed to pay for my stepbrother’s college entirely. I was able to get a few scholarships and loans to pay for college, as well as the funds I’d saved from working. I had enough for the first year, so I left.
I met my now wife in my first year, and she’s the only reason I’m where I am today.
Her parents were also wonderful, and after our first year, they took me into their own home and then helped me pay for the rest of college. Her dad helped me get my first job and even invested in my business at the beginning. My business has really grown since then, and I’ve become very wealthy.
My stepbrother ended up getting a girl pregnant in his third year of college, dropped out, and now still lives with my stepfather and mom with his now wife and three kids. Since I still needed to see my mom, my wife and I purchased two houses in my hometown. We rent out one and use the other whenever I go visit.
Well, the last few years have been really bad for my stepdad. He had to close down his business, and some other things happened so they’re flat broke now. They need to sell the house to cover their debts. My mom knows about the house I own and asked me if they could move in.
I told her that she can, but my stepfather and stepbrother’s family can’t. My mom was very upset about this, my stepfather called me a lot of names, but mainly just ungrateful and heartless. My wife thinks that I should just agree since it would be hard on my mom to be away from her husband and I’m making my stepbrother and his family homeless.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
First, you need to be clear with your wife that your stepdad mistreated you, and your mom let it happen. Kicking you out of your room, giving away your belongings, and making it clear you weren’t really considered part of the family is toxic. People who don’t have awful relationships with family sometimes cannot process how bad these situations are.
Dealing with your stepdad brings up real feelings of being abandoned and basically left to die – be honest with your wife that how you were treated was to be left literally in the streets, where no one was there to help you. That is what this man did to you.
Second, if you did let your mom in that home, realize that stepdad and stepbrother will be there anyway, so don’t do it.
It’s not worth the emotional or legal headache of letting your mom stay in the home, because she will just move them in and you’ll have to deal with it, and it doesn’t sound like your wife would really be helpful to you if you tried to kick them out.
Third, you need to realize your mom is just as much to blame as your stepdad for what happened to you.
Neither of them deserves your time, your finances, or your emotions. You should consider going to a few therapy sessions, particularly as a way to express to your wife the anger and hurt your mom and stepfather caused you.
Finally, take care of yourself. Congratulations on all you have accomplished and for making it through a really tough situation, which is an understatement.
You deserve to be loved and happy, and I know I’ve been a bit hard on your wife here, but I’m glad you found a chosen family, her especially. Do not let your mother, or your stepdad, take up space in your life. Sell the house before you let them move in, and go enjoy your life, free of them.” mfruitfly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Karma always comes around. I wouldn’t house any of them, even Mom (although I know that is harsh). As bad as stepdad was, Mom was worse. She allowed him to hurt you.
First, there are 4 adults in that home. 4 adults should be able to pool savings and get an apartment.
You can cover your mom’s 1/4 and let the other three figure out the remaining 3/4.
Second, you don’t have to be the financial fall guy for people who have been cruel to you. You don’t owe the steps anything. You don’t even owe Mom as she allowed the maltreatment.
Third, the sense of entitlement coming from Mom and Step is absolutely ridiculous.
Everything you have, you and your wife built. They literally gave away your clothes and put you out with nothing. Yet somehow Step is going to call you names when you don’t give him a home that he didn’t provide for you as a child.
Fourth, never feel bad for cutting toxic people out of your life.
Go to therapy if you haven’t or if you need to heal yourself. At the end of the day, FORGIVENESS DOES NOT HAVE TO INCLUDE RECONCILIATION OR FINANCIAL ASSISTANCE FOR THE PERSON WHO MISTREATED YOU.
If you decide to do this, GET A LEASE for the least amount of time allowable in your state (typically 6 months – ask a lawyer) AND CHARGE THEM RENT.
DO NOT ALLOW THEM TO FREELOAD. They need to be working toward a permanent solution that doesn’t involve your house.” LouisV25
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. That last line especially gets me — YOU are not making your step-brother or even your step-father homeless. THEY made certain choices in life that got them to that point.
If you choose to save your mother (and only your mother) from that fate, that’s your choice, but you’re not making anyone homeless.
I’m in real estate, specifically property management. I cannot tell you how many people come to us for help after they let “family” stay at a house they own, who ended up never paying rent for like half a year, and/or trashing the place.
And these are people they actually liked. We would help them sort out the mess and take it to court because the family members would always camp out and refuse to leave. If you value your investment, I would think long and hard about if you can afford to not recoup your costs for at least a year in case they just stop paying and/or trash the place.” Leading-Summer-4724
11. AITJ For Filing A Noise Complaint Regarding My Neighbor's Loud Toddler?
“I’m really torn about this. I (F33) work fully remotely and am a bit of a homebody so I am usually in my apartment most of the time either working or living my life as one does. Several months back we had a family move in across the hall from us with a little girl around 2 or 3 years old.
They moved in over the course of two weeknights, so lots of banging and shout-talking in the halls between 10-12 at night, so not a good first impression for both myself and my roommate.
Over the months they’ve been here, their little one has proven to be extremely vocal. While working she will often scream bloody murder at the top of her lungs, loud enough that it feels like she’s standing directly in my apartment.
I’ve had people on calls with me (while I’m wearing headphones) ask who is screeching in the background and I have to apologize and state that it’s my neighbor’s child. Even at night, I will hear her screaming all the way in my bedroom, which is the farthest room in my apartment from the front door.
It’s not so much “I’m scared” screaming (that would warrant a different call) or “Yay, I’m a toddler having fun” screaming, it’s more “I’m throwing a tantrum” screaming and there are some days where it’s near-constant. I will be doing laundry on the bottom floor (we are on the top floor) and I can hear her all the way on the first floor just yelling and screaming clear as day.
I have called and complained about them to our office (they also shout-talk in the hallway to each other when they have visitors, and no carpet in the halls means it echoes and is LOUD) and I know multiple other neighbors of mine both on the same floor and downstairs have called with complaints too.
Yesterday I had called in with a bad migraine and even in my room with the door closed I could hear her going full air raid siren, even until 10 pm, and that just made my blood boil. It doesn’t even sound like her parents are trying to get her to calm down.
I’ve spoken to my friends with kids about this and they’ve told me to just “keep it moving” because parenting is hard.
I am an aunt to two spectacular kids so I get it, but I don’t think I should have to deal with an out-of-control toddler who screams all day and night. My neighbors already have two violations for excessive noise and I believe one more could get them evicted. While the noise is definitely an issue they have been warned about multiple times by management (I should add that they don’t speak English or I would have talked to them myself) and interferes with both my work and downtime, I can’t help but feel immensely guilty knowing I may get a little girl and her family evicted. But even as I write this post, she is banshee shrieking and has been on and off for close to a half hour.
WIBTJ if I filed another noise complaint, even though it may result in a family getting evicted?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I’m literally leaving my apartment because of this. At first, it was noise, screaming, but the parents never disciplined the kids, and it got worse. They just let the children run free and turn their TV on max.
I made countless reports and police calls, but the landlord stopped listening to me. Also, they live above me and their kids have flooded my bathroom 4 times because they turned the water on and it poured down through my bathroom ceiling in the last two months.
I just find it ridiculous that I had to pay a $300 security deposit for my 15lb dog that sleeps most of the day (he’s an elder) and their kids above me are destroying the property/violating several noise ordinances.
The cops stopped showing up even with half the building calling.
OP, if you can document the noise, the police reports, and noise complaints, and pull the noise violations in your area – You can probably get out of your lease early because they are disturbing the peace. I had to go the escrow way.” Onautopilotsendhelp
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It is not your job to feel guilty about the misfortunes others bring on themselves. When these people get evicted, you will have your peace back. It will happen eventually so it might as well be seen sooner than later.
This toddler is acting like this for a reason. It may be because the parents act like that on occasion (you mentioned shouting) and don’t control their own emotions.
So the child isn’t calm either due to the environment.
It may be because the toddler needs mental health, emotional, or physical care that she’s not getting. She may need professional help.
It may be because the child is being ignored or neglected.
But kids don’t normally scream all day long nonstop. This is a bad situation for everyone.
But allowing this to become your problem does not help anything.” Bebe_Bleau
Another User Comments:
“I’m going with NTJ. As someone who was the mother of a sick child, I know how difficult it can be to soothe a child who is constantly in pain. We lived for 1.5 years in a very old building.
Thankfully, only one neighbor could hear him cry. We know this because we talked to all of our neighbors. We switched bedrooms so that the baby was not in the bedroom above our downstairs neighbor. This neighbor was kept in baked goods, earplugs, drinks, apologies, and thank yous for those years.
The screaming might not be controllable but how they treat their neighbors is.
They chose to have close neighbors which means they have a responsibility to live within certain rules.
Make the complaint. It’s your home, too.” Capable-Trainer-9577
10. WIBTJ For Wanting A Student Removed From My Class, So I Don't Have To Deal With His Parents?
“Sadly, dealing with difficult parents is part of a teacher’s job.
“I am an art teacher at a school in a small town, recently I welcomed a new student to the class, he had previously been homeschooled but had begged his parents to let him go to a normal school with his friends. He’s a great kid, he has already fit right in with the class and he does really great work, my only issue with him has been that he does not ask to leave the classroom, if he needs a bathroom he just leaves.
I’m not the strict “everything needs to be my way” kind of teacher, but the administration has a very strict policy for students outside of classrooms during class periods.
I asked his parents to come in so we could discuss it, to try to get them to help me figure out a way to get him to follow this rule.
They arrived and seemed like fine enough people, but then saw my photo on my desk of myself (28m) and my husband (31M). They asked who it was and I was honest, it has never been an issue before. They later called the school to report me for “inappropriate behavior in the classroom.” Mind you, I do not talk about my husband in class; I am there to teach, not preach.
The administration is definitely with me on this, but honestly, they have started sending some really rude emails to my school-provided account and would like me to honor their wishes that their child not be “exposed” to my “disgusting lifestyle.”
I may be the jerk here because as good of a student as he is, I just no longer feel comfortable with him in my class.
He loves art class, and there are no other art teachers at the school, so he’d be removed from the course entirely, which I know isn’t fair to him. But it also is not fair to me to be called things like a groomer and accused of working in a school to “corrupt innocent minds with (my) filth.””
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Short-term mental health protection. Almost all email platforms allow you to presort emails into folders as they arrive. Redirect theirs to a folder so they aren’t in your main inbox. Then ask a colleague periodically to pop on your computer to forward them to admin. Also, see if they can print them so you have documentation of the harassment.
Longer term. This is harassment. Plain and simple. And you shouldn’t have to just take it because you are an educator. Talk to admin again. Make it clear that the harassment needs to stop. They can either properly deal with it or you will need to escalate it as you fear for your safety. After this in-person meeting, email them a summary of the meeting asking them to confirm this was what was discussed.
No matter what they do find some outside support. Either through a teachers union rep (whether you ever joined or not) or through an LGBTQ+ organization. Often both have access to legal advice, mediators for conversations, and lawyers if you need it. Don’t wait till you need them to reach out.
I hope things get better for you and you stay safe!” Apprehensive_Buy4920
Another User Comments:
“As much as it isn’t the child’s fault, you are truly NTJ for wanting to protect yourself and, ultimately, your husband. Honestly, if the administration truly had your back, they’d have the parents remove the child from school as the parents have proven to be a danger to you and other LGBTQ+ people.
If you feel comfortable, I would suggest going to the police with harassment charges and see if you can get a restraining order to prevent them from being able to contact you further. If they have issues with your teaching ability, they can go through administration only. Let THEM get harassed and see how well THEY take it.
Good luck OP. I’m sorry you’re having to endure this.” PersephoneAscending
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for disliking the parents and their attitude towards you. YWBTJ, though, if you remove the child. He likes your class, and he doesn’t give you problems. He more than likely doesn’t even care about your sexuality. Go to your admin, have them present for any meetings between yourself and the parent, and CC your admin in any email you may send to them.
Also, I’m assuming you do this already via lesson plans (assuming they’re required for you), document what you’re teaching so they can’t go against you with some wild claim that you’re grooming their child.
It’s the parents’ fault that they’re being ignorant. The kid is just trying to have fun in a class he enjoys.
Don’t take your issues with the parent out on the kid if he’s genuinely a good student- all that’s going to do is; 1. Make him feel like he did something wrong or 2. Make him dislike you and reinforce his parents’ ideals.” Reddit user
9. AITJ For Letting My Poverty-Stricken Daughter And Her Husband Move In Against My Other Daughter's Wishes?
“This situation is complicated and I’m at my wit’s end. I have 2 daughters who are civil to each other but don’t get along with each other. My eldest is married to Steve while my youngest is engaged to Adam.
Steve and Adam are so different they disliked each other the first time they met.
Steve works part-time because he treasures family time with my daughter. They spend their time traveling and exploring different parts of the states. He spends freely because he often says he can’t take his finances with him when he dies.
Adam is an executive and for his side business, he owns several dozen properties. He works about 80 hours a week at both jobs because his philosophy is that he wants to make as much as possible while he’s young so that he can retire early.
Steve thinks Adam is a corporate shill and basically blames him for everything that’s wrong with society.
Steve said that Adam is actively keeping people from buying homes and making them dependent on him. Adam thinks Steve is a slacker and has told Steve that people like him who do the bare minimum but expect handouts are what’s wrong with society.
Neither of them is bad and they treat my daughters well.
I retired last year due to my health so Adam built a house for me so that I can live comfortably. I was able to customize everything in the house to fit my taste. Adam owns the house, pays for all of the utilities, and charges me $1 a month for rent. Part of our deal is that no one else can live in the house but me.
He was very clear about this.
Steve recently lost his job so he and my eldest are living off of her single income. As you can imagine, they are struggling. My eldest recently called me crying because their savings are almost gone and they can’t make next month’s rent. She asked if she and Steve could move in with me until he finds another job.
I live on a fixed income so I don’t have the finances to set them up in another apartment. She’s my daughter and I couldn’t let her be homeless so I let Steve and her move in. I gave them strict rules and a time limit on when they had to move out.
I didn’t think my youngest and Adam would find out because they live in another state but somehow she found out. She called and screamed at me last night for betraying Adam’s trust but I argued that I’m a mother to 2 daughters and I can’t let one be homeless. I told her about the rules and time limit and begged her not to tell Adam.
She hung up on me so I don’t know what’s going to happen.
I know I went back on an agreement but I had a good reason.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. So all of you calling her the jerk if you were in the same situation and one of your children was going to end up on the street you would just say oh I’m sorry, you’re just going to have to live on the street and possibly get killed by God knows who because your brother-in-law is a jerk and put a rule in I can’t have anyone come and stay with me.
Which he has done pretty much out of spite because he doesn’t like your husband or the way he wants to live his life he wants everyone to live like him and just wants money to be the priority.
Sorry if it was me I’d say excuse me I’m very grateful for you giving me this home, but as you have given it to me, I can have who I like come over.
I am not going to see my daughter live on the street just because you don’t like the way they want to live their lives.
Also, how do we know that SIL hasn’t lost his job due to no fault of his own the company could have gone out of business due to problems that have arisen from recent world events or something similar.” Murder_Moons
Another User Comments:
“YTJ which is ironic because I’d probably take Steve’s side on the “Adam’s the cause of society’s woes” debate, but from the sound of things Steve has been a shortsighted idiot.
“Steve works part-time because he treasures family time with my daughter,” that’s nice. How about working FULL time because he treasures your daughter and wants to make sure that if he were to lose his job for a period of time he has some options other than moving into a house with his MIL that he’s not allowed in?
It seems really clear that the reason the policy was that the house built was for you and you alone is because Adam was anticipating this exact scenario.
Wanna help Steve? Take some of the finances that you’re saving and help them find a spot elsewhere and make him get fully employed so they’re back on their feet.
Then apologize to Adam and your youngest for going back on your promise and try to make it up to them.” Vinaigeek
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You obviously have a golden child in your eldest, no ifs, ands, or buts about it.
You decided to break the agreement you had with Adam for your Golden Child.
Giving no second thought to the fact that:
You betrayed Adam.
Which means he has no reason to trust you, let alone live there with his generosity.
But now, now you really done screwed up, and this is how I know you see your eldest as the Golden Child and the Younger as spare parts at best, wealth cow/reject more likely.
You decided to GAMBLE your youngest daughter’s relationship with her fiance. For your eldest.
When it comes to your youngest, the following saying comes to mind: “Look and behold the field in which I grow my cares, and see that it is barren!” You don’t try to be honest. Or confess your guilt to all parties involved.
No. You decide that is better to cover up everything, drag your youngest into a conspiracy that when found, and yes, it will be found because this crap will always come out, will potentially lead to Adam calling off the engagement and ending the relationship entirely.
But what do you care?
You apparently see Adam as a resource to be exploited, and you only have the one child to coddle.” Educational_Cup9850
Really you better hope that Steve gets a FULL TIME job asap and a place big enough for the 3 of you cos adam is gunna evict the lot of you and then get proper rent on that house and save dash cos he won't be paying the utilities either
8. AITJ For Telling My Coworker Not To Tell HR That I'm Drinking On The Job?
“I (32M) work as an accounts manager for a large consulting firm (it’s pretty large, think big4). Naturally, it’s a rather competitive environment – you have to be careful because most people who work there will step on your hands to loosen your grip on the corporate ladder they are also trying to climb.
Myself, I’m not like the other people who work there because I come from nothing. When I was younger, our family only went on one holiday a year and that was usually in a rented caravan – by contrast, I work with a lot of trust fund babies who have no sense of ethics or manners.
This is to say that I find my work environment to be very stressful, constantly dealing with jerks and whatnot. So from time to time (ahead of important meetings for example), I treat myself to an “Irish” coffee by the watercooler to settle my nerves – it makes working life a little more bearable and gives me the confidence to stand up to my co-workers.
(Note – for those of you who don’t know, “Irish” coffee is like a regular coffee but with a secret ingredient – a shot.)
At about 2 pm on Friday, I was having my afternoon tipple when one of my ditsier colleagues (40s-50sF) approached my desk and started ranting on about some report that was overdue.
As soon as I replied to her, however, she started to grimace and contort her face as if something had just died. She scurried away and I just brushed it off and went back to ‘work’.
About 5 minutes later, I got a Teams message from her asking me why my breath “stinks of booze.” Unfortunately, my liquid courage wanted to make a witty reply, so I told her that the only reason I drank was because I had to work with her.
Big mistake – apparently, she took a screenshot of the Teams convo and is now threatening to send it to HR. I basically got on my knees and begged her not to – she said she would think about it.
At first, I thought she was the jerk, but I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting this weekend and I’m starting to wonder whether I could have handled it a bit better.
I’m not sure – am I the jerk for reacting badly to my co-worker?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, but it seems like you are suffering from use disorder so that’s likely not even your biggest problem right now. You could have a disease that makes you a jerk by construction.
You were drinking on the job, and your co-worker rightfully freaked out about it.
I don’t know what you do or what sort of responsibility you have, but it doesn’t matter, being intoxicated on the job is a major liability for the company, and you put your co-worker in a terrible situation. Either she does the right thing and tells her manager, or she does you a favor and has to keep it quiet which could blow back on her when you eventually do get in trouble for drinking.
Carrying secrets also sucks: it’s tiring and just a burden.
That situation probably doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things given the facts present here: if you find the need to drink on the job to deal with stress, you need to make some changes. Drinking to relieve stress, drinking for courage, or drinking as a coping strategy to handle your job are all major red flags for a substance use disorder.
Deal with this situation by going to your doctor, explaining what’s going on, and asking for help with your drinking and whatever is going on. Do this for yourself, but if anything comes up with HR you’ll also be covered. Lots of people struggle with substance use disorder, it’s a sickness like any other, but you need to take accountability for your actions, apologize to your co-worker, and get some help.” D3ADDr0p
Another User Comments:
“Oh yes, YTJ.
Get help with your stress instead of using booze as the “crutch” because you’ll only see things crumbling. Like now. I hope your coworker calls you out so you understand that your decisions have consequences. Pretty sure the majority of large organizations frown upon drinking booze as you work with clients and coworkers.
A job that stressful, you drinking while on the clock, the job isn’t for you. Your background story doesn’t matter. Jerks come in all forms. Also… “Irish” coffee?! My goodness man. You could have just had a Screwdriver and probably got the same reaction. But at least you would have had a proper mixed drink.” ginger-inside-007
You know its against the rules so now you want an employee to LIE and keep your secret cos its your way of dealing with stress.....
Man your 32 and setting yourself up for liver disease and pancreas issues not to mention you are on ykurwaytp being an addict if your not already....
You need to either get a new job or get some help before you are an addict that's jobless...
7. AITJ For Telling My Son To Stop Being Bitter Over My Divorce?
“My ex-wife, Natalie, and I had an amicable but not loving marriage.
We had 2 children, Michael (28M) and Lily (30F).
When Michael was about 10 years old, she and I saw that we no longer had romantic feelings, but a beautiful friendship. But for reasons at the time (mainly our children), we decided to continue the marriage until our children left home.
Basically nothing has changed on a daily basis, we were still the same couple as always, but we didn’t force something we didn’t want.
When Michael moved away for college and home permanently (at age 19) we decided to make the gradual move and finally make our divorce official.
Michael didn’t handle it well. For months he tried to convince us to try couples therapy, “intervention”, that it was a bad phase in the marriage and not to sign the divorce paper until we were sure.
We explained together, separately that it wasn’t a bad phase and that we stayed together for the good of the family only, etc. Over time, he conformed (but hasn’t accepted until today).
I am currently married and so is Natalie. We have a great relationship and often spend Christmas and New Year’s together with our children.
What happened:
Michael is engaged to Liam and we recently had dinner with him, his in-laws, his fiance and Natalie to celebrate the engagement.
Michael still has a habit of making spiteful comments about the divorce and how traumatizing his parents’ experience of getting divorced was. Several times, I said that this was something that hurt us to hear, because above all, my ex and I cherish that our children don’t suffer from our decision.
During dinner, we were talking to his in-laws and they asked how long we’d been apart and how good we had a relationship, etc.
Michael at some point, said: “It wasn’t such a good thing for the family, it was a traumatizing experience to see your inspiration as a couple break up and your family fall apart”.
To say that Natalie and I were embarrassed that he said it in front of his in-laws is not necessary.
I had my limit and I said “Look, Mike, I understand your feelings, but it’s been 9 years that your mother and I haven’t been together and you didn’t even live with us during this process.
We are already in another moment of our lives. I think it’s over time to get over it and turn the page”.
He was quiet and stayed that way for most of dinner, saying only what was necessary.
Later, I got a text from him criticizing me saying I should respect his feelings and that he was just venting which was a valid thing and I shouldn’t say that in front of his in-laws.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Venting is a valid thing but this was not the time or place to be doing so. Also has he been carrying on like this for 9 years? It may be that he has confided in his fiancé his version of events, in-laws also know his version of events, and he was playing his role in his version of the events at this dinner party.
I don’t think there is any ‘good’ way to get divorced, I think you make the best of the situation, which it kinda sounds like you guys as parents did.
Does he feel it wasn’t addressed enough back in the day and has never gotten over it?? Not sure what he identifies as his exact trauma.
That is now for him to deal with as an adult, 9 years later, and you can offer to help in any way possible. He now had two sets of parents and I hope y’all can help this man get unstuck somehow.
My vote for NTJ is because my opinion is you don’t get to go snipping at people and then get upset when it’s returned. What he did was not appropriate (as he seems to recognize it’s not appropriate for YOU to misbehave in front of the in-laws), and honestly?
I would have also taken the opportunity to set the record straight on my own behalf.” shotofdespresso
Another User Comments:
“ESH – him for having this conversation in front of the in-laws and you for both continuing to have the conversation in front of the in-laws and also for invalidating his feelings.
I was also a barely adult child when my parents divorced. It comes with a lot of big feelings.
Kids are very perceptive and I imagine that your children picked up on the shift in your relationship long before the divorce. Also, when you tell an adult child that you stayed together for them, the child feels responsible for years of their parents’ unhappiness. There are a myriad of ways to handle an amicable divorce with children, all of which are generally preferable to staying in a broken marriage “for the children.”
I think you need to hear your son out regardless of how painful his truth may be to hear and I also think he needs to be in therapy. His feelings about your marriage and divorce WILL affect his marriage and that’s not fair to him or his future husband.” angrygnomes58
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to go against the grain and say YTJ. If he said it as exactly as you wrote, he was telling his feelings of how he felt. His experience is valid in this, because he had an idea of marriage that you personally allowed to develop. He didn’t criticize you or degrade you as a parent.
He said that the idea that he had of marriage obviously wasn’t what was reality. You allowed him that.
Then you insulted him personally and will probably wonder why he seems more distant from you in the future. You told him to get over it.
And the people saying the son is the jerk. At 19, you and your ex devastated your child, and he’s allowed to express that.
Especially if he didn’t personally insult you.” Temporary-Panda8151
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You guys are able to make your own decisions, you waited until it didn’t impact their day-to-day lives, and it was amicable. A lot of time has elapsed. Perhaps he has an issue related to something else in his life/childhood and he’s making it about the divorce as a coping mechanism.
I can see being upset your parents are not together but when there is no fighting, bitterness, and terrible comments toward the ex that the kids can see, I can’t see it being traumatizing. He’s saying staying together and slowly dissolving impacted his youth but he also tried to convince you to stay together at the time.
So which of those two conflicting things is he upset with? You need to live your lives and it sounds like your divorce was better for the kids than 99.9% of all divorces in history.” Zestyclone-Egg6211
6. AITJ For Forcing My Son To Use A Bidet?
“For some reason, my 14-year-old son cannot wipe properly.
This was never a concern to me as his mom did the laundry.
Unfortunately, she is sick right now so I have taken over the household chores that she used to handle. My son is still responsible for his and I do mine as well as hers.
The first day I did laundry, I gagged and almost puked from his undergarments.
If he were three and not fully potty trained, I might understand how they end up like this. But he is a healthy, young man. He should not be leaving his butt this unwiped.
I talked to him about it and he said he would make an effort to do a better job. Nope. No change in the situation.
So I went to the hardware store and installed a wand bidet in the bathroom he uses. We already have one in ours. I told him that he has a choice of either using the bidet or washing his own undergarments. He doesn’t know how to use the washing machine and he refuses to do them by hand.
He started going commando. Which just meant the problem was his jeans now.
So I said that we might need to take him to the doctor to see what is wrong with him. If it’s physical or psychological. I also said that the next time his friends were over I was going to ask them if they left their undergarments in the same condition.
I WOULD NEVER ACTUALLY EMBARRASS HIM LIKE THAT. He said I was being a jerk and he called his mom to tell her what I was doing. She said that he was just like that and I could deal with it until he was better.
I don’t think that’s a great plan. If this kid never learns to wipe his butt, he will be bereft of a partner.
He has started using the bidet but he says that it is gross and weird. I said it was grosser and weirder for a 14-year-old to crap his pants every day. We are both stressed about his mom but this situation isn’t because of her. I asked her.”
Another User Comments:
“ESH, I guess.
14 is old to be having this issue, and his mom shrugging it away is doing him no favors.
Her not dealing with this is crappy.
I’m wondering if he’s latched on to the particularly dumb strand of the Manosphere that insists that touching your own butt is gay and disgusting – they have a freak out over things like washing their butts in the shower. He’s old enough to be stumbling across idiocy like that online.
Might be worth asking him if that‘s what is going on. Talk to his mom – if this is a new thing (that is, if he used to wipe appropriately and then at some point stopped), you’re likely dealing with something like that.
You make it clear that you’ve gone after him about how this is gross and needs to be fixed, but it sounds like you haven’t done anything to figure out why he’s not getting himself clean.
You’re not going to fix the problem until you know why it’s happening.
Your threat to make him a laughingstock was a crappy thing to do. It wasn’t helpful and all you did with that was make this an issue of greater anxiety/upset and conflict. Try not to throw gasoline on fires, it doesn’t put them out.
Also, how did you not know this was going on? That’s some A+ parenting there.” KaliTheBlaze
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Have a sit-down conversation with him to see what he thinks about the situation and why he leaves his clothes in that state. Then take him to the doctor to make sure there are no medical causes.
Once you’ve ascertained that this is indeed in his power and not a medical issue, start playing hardball.
Explain to him that every time you find an item of clothing with feces on it, a consequence will ensue, for example, all electronics removed for one day per item of clothing. You will be doing spot checks.
If he is caught wearing visibly soiled or smelly clothing at the start of the day, this will also apply. (Obviously, if he’s just been on a cross-country run through mud and is off to get in the shower, that’s not included.)
Leave it up to him as to how he wants to deal with it.
He can clean his bum better, he can wash his own clothes, he can do both. Make him find the solution to his problem.
Doing it now will be doing him a favor in the future. If his future roommates find crappy undergarments everywhere, it’s going to end up on his face.” Sea_Midnight1411
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for wanting to find a solution, YTJ for even threatening to tell private information, regardless of intent to follow through or not, to his peers. That’s a really quick way to break down any trust he has in you and really sets you back on reaching a solution for this issue and future issues.
That said, having worked with that age group what you’re experiencing is not uncommon, it doesn’t mean either of you has done anything wrong it’s just part of the process of learning effective self-care and hygiene, some pick it up faster and easier than others. Most kids go through the ‘can’t be bothered’ phase around that time, just keep on him about cleaning properly, offer ways to make it easier as you’ve done (bidet, disposable wipes, etc.), and continually monitor for effectiveness.
Have him help you with his laundry, make him involved in the whole process. As others have said 14 is old enough to learn, but it’s in that area where they are still children about some things and not others. Just because he’s 14 he doesn’t automatically have adult skills, he needs to be taught and shown why they’re important.
If there are no improvements, you should approach your doctor but I wouldn’t suggest using a visit to the doctor as a threat in the way you’ve mentioned, that kind of thing really just makes the doctor’s office seem like a place you go when you’re bad and should be ashamed. You want it to be a ‘we’re going because it’s concerning.’ bring some questions if you have them and give your child time to ask the doctor.
Good luck, he’ll get there!” ANALizethispease
5. AITJ For Making My Fiancee Sleep On A Couch While Traveling?
“So I (43m) have a fiancée (39f) and I also have a daughter (16f), and the three of us traveled to visit my fiancée’s parents to have them meet us. Last night we got a hotel for the last night before we drove home, and my fiancée and I were in the master bed and my daughter was in the pull-out couch bed in the next room, and shortly after we went to sleep, my daughter asked if she could sleep in my bed with me.
My daughter is on the spectrum and has anxiety from previous trauma and has some trouble with being alone in unfamiliar places, so I said absolutely, and I initially offered to go sleep on the pull-out couch with her but she said it was very uncomfortable and she needed to sleep on a real mattress.
I asked my fiancée if she’d be willing to sleep on the pull-out couch for the night, and she seemed a little annoyed. I offered to get another room for us or to figure something else out, but she insisted it was okay. So my daughter and I shared the master bed and my fiancée slept on the pull-out couch.
Today we got home and she seemed kind of passive-aggressive with me when I asked what was wrong, she said she felt completely sidelined and like she was treated with no respect or decency last night. I told her I was sorry but my daughter was in distress and I needed to do something, and she insisted she’s not a little kid and could’ve done something else that didn’t involve sleeping in my bed with me.
Then I told her she was starting to get out of line and she needed to understand I have an autistic daughter so if we’re going to be together, she needs to understand stuff like this will happen from time to time. She got very annoyed with me and then walked off.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to go with YTJ.
Here’s the thing – there’s three of you staying in that hotel room. You should know pullout beds are uncomfortable. Always. I’m not overly worried about the daughter’s request – she’s autistic and has traumas. How your family handles that is entirely on you as autism and trauma both are so very specific and nuanced to each individual person.
You never should’ve booked a room with one bed and a pullout. You should’ve booked a two-bedroom. You said this happens on occasion – as it’s something that your fiancée needs to deal with – but if this happens on occasion then you should’ve had a two-bed hotel room from the very get-go.
This would’ve saved this entire issue of waking the fiancée and kicking anyone to the pullout bed, and everyone could’ve been comfortable and gotten the rest they needed.
I don’t blame your fiancée for not being thrilled with what happened. I don’t blame your daughter or you for her needs.
You are, however, at fault for not getting a proper room for the three of you from the getgo.” min_to_mi
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Saying you’re offering to get another room (which I assume is late at night since you were all in bed), would have been another annoying thing for your fiancé to deal with.
I understand her saying ‘Whatever it’s fine’ and just going into the other room completely annoyed.
If the main issue your daughter had ‘in distress’ was being alone then she should have accepted your offer to go sleep on the pull-out bed together. She didn’t. Instead, she had you kick your fiancée out of bed. That’s not okay.
Your fiancée expressed how it made her feel and you pretty much told her ‘my daughter is autistic, so your feelings don’t matter’ which is sucky.
I understand caring for your daughter but at some point, you can’t coddle her.
Is this how you plan to treat your partner forever? Your daughter will make unreasonable demands and you’ll automatically dismiss your fiancée?” AshlynM2
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t know why everyone is focusing on the age of the daughter and completely skimming over the part where she has autism with past trauma on top of that. She’s in a new place, on a pull-out couch that is uncomfortable for her (sensory issues can be a real problem for people with autism), and wanted her dad for comfort.
This is not unreasonable for one night.
Also, people say he should have slept on the couch and had his fiancée and daughter sleep in the bed. The daughter wanted him, not his fiancée. She wanted to sleep with her dad for comfort and on a mattress that was comfortable for her. Having kids comes with sacrifice, as does marrying someone with a kid (one with special needs at that).
If she can’t do something as simple as sleep on a couch for one night, how is she going to treat the child when a bigger issue comes up?
Another thing is the fiancée agreed to it and made no fuss about being on the couch. OP even offered to get another room, and she declined. But then comes around the next day complaining about having to sleep on the couch when she insisted it was fine the night before.” FlamingWolf91
I Hooe you have her in therapy for the trauma, if not why not ?? She can not live her life expecting your partner to sleep away from you just cos she wants it
4. AITJ For Leaving A Wedding Early?
“If there’s a valid reason for leaving early, then so be it.
“So, I (m 33) am married to my wife, Lee (f 36). I have two sibling-in-laws, the middle one is nb, Zee, they/them, 32, and the youngest, my sister-in-law, Perry, is f 27. The 9-year age gap between my wife and her baby sister has always been an issue for them.
My wife thinks her little sister is a spoiled brat, and Perry thinks Lee is just mean to her. Up until recently, I’ve always given Perry the same respect I give to my own siblings (boy/girl twins, 26).
I’m severely asthmatic. Last year, I went on a family trip with my in-laws to Austin, TX for my wife’s cousin’s wedding.
The ceremony was beautiful, and the reception was amazing. An open bar with good bourbon certainly helps. An hour before the reception was to end, I started to get an asthma cough. My throat was scratchy, I was coughing more than usual. I started drinking water, but was beginning to feel like I should get to my inhaler sooner then later.
The problem was, my inhaler was back at the Airbnb. My wife noticed me having trouble and asked me if I was ok. I told her I was fine, but, when everyone was ready, I’d like to get back to the Airbnb sooner than later to take my meds. She nods and informs her dad.
FIL gathers up the family into the rental van, and we start making our way back.
The whole way back, Perry, who is intoxicated as heck now, complains about leaving the party early. I get so annoyed I snap and say, “I’m so sorry my chronic lung disease ruined your night. Next time, I’ll make sure to die in peace.” Now I’m wheezing, can barely breathe.
It’s a full-blown asthma attack. I’m literally 2min from telling my father-in-law to skip the Airbnb and go straight to the ER. Fortunately, we get to the Airbnb just in time. I take my meds, and I’m ok. The next morning, P demands I apologize for ruining her night. It’s been months and neither of us has apologized for what happened. I’ve been respectful and amicable towards her, but I guess with my ASD, I’ve been showing my distaste more than I thought.
My wife tells me this has caused issues in the family because P now thinks I don’t like her. I don’t hate her, I just think she should be mature enough to admit she made a mistake. Anyways, AITJ for still not apologizing for what happened?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
Your SIL is an adult woman, she missed a little bit of the reception so you wouldn’t literally choke to death, she should deal. I don’t see what mistake -she- made in this situation, however.
She probably didn’t (and still doesn’t) grasp the gravity of what you were going through. It isn’t like she kept you from leaving in the van. She is immature, but I mean, she’s also not wrong, you kind of screwed up her evening.
You know you have asthma attacks, why didn’t you have your inhaler with you?
That was pretty dumb, you should admit that mistake. You also lost your temper probably partially because you were drinking heavily, so that kind of sucks too, understandable as you were literally dying and intoxicated… It could be expected of anyone, but you still kind of screwed up there. You should at least make nice with her out of consideration for your wife, who you’ve put in an awkward position because you’re too stubborn to admit that it was avoidable and you caused everyone to leave the party early.
Everyone should apologize but you shouldn’t go into your apology expecting one from her.” wwwyzzrd
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
Probably your wife and you should have taken an Uber back to Airbnb so your father-in-law didn’t have to ‘gather up the family into the rental van.’ Just seems weird to have your family’s circumstances dictating the entire extended family’s transportation.
I don’t understand why you didn’t just tell sister-in-law, ‘hey, I’ve got to leave now, so I’m/we’re catching an Uber right now to back to the Airbnb because I forgot my inhaler.’ Sending the wife to the father-in-law to round everybody else up seems so … complicated (and maybe cheap because you wouldn’t pay for your own Uber?)
But maybe your sister-in-law could also be a little unforgiving here for demanding an apology over a medical incident?
Just sounds like a lot of intoxicated and immature people not thinking very straight, though FIL seems to have been trying valiantly (maybe too hard?) to meet the demands of all his adult daughters and their adult partners, none of whom seem to be able to manage their own transportation…” MonicaHuang
Another User Comments:
“Like others have said, YTJ for not having your meds. I have rare, but severe allergies. I haven’t had a major incident in over 10 yrs. Guess what? I still carry my inhaler and Epi-pen everywhere I go. And, honestly, I reckon one day I’ll save a life by having them on me because there are so many ppl like OP who don’t carry their meds.
This isn’t a case where OP “forgot.” They admitted they got complacent and didn’t carry it with them out of habit. Also to people saying they couldn’t get an Uber, OP had signs of illness long before it turned into an emergency situation. They had time to call an Uber and excuse themselves from the wedding.
They didn’t need to take the whole family away from an event that I’m sure they all went to great expense to attend. OP is an adult, and responsible for their own health. SIL behaved badly too, but that just makes it an ESH.” Urban_Peacock
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I think the YTJ judgments are a bit unfair.
I have a friend with a severe peanut allergy, she hasn’t had a reaction in years, assumed she was fine, and stopped bringing her Epi pen out with her. Then one day, she eats something she’s normally fine with, and has a reaction – they changed the recipe, and she forgot to check. We didn’t sit there whining about having to leave the restaurant early – we started taking her home, then rerouted to A&E once it was clear she needed that.
With lifelong conditions, like allergies or asthma, it’s super easy to get complacent or even to forget that it’s an issue at all, especially if you haven’t had a reaction in a long time.
Also please ignore all the comments telling you to take an Uber during a medical emergency. Most Ubers/taxis WILL NOT touch you if you’re having any kind of medical incident, because of liability issues – and you should never go anywhere alone while unwell, that’s just unsafe.
In the end, this was a one-off incident where you didn’t have your inhaler and needed it. I think a lot of people are judging as if you do this on the regular – there was a post a while back about a husband who refused to take care of his own health, refusing to keep what he needed on him, and constantly forcing the wife to cancel plans or leave places early – but this isn’t that.” MelodicScream
3. AITJ For Having My Sick Husband Watch Our Sick Kid?
“My husband (40) recently suffered from a minor concussion and has been off work for the last two weeks. His ability to do general tasks fluctuates meaning some days he can watch the kids, do the dishes, etc., but other days can’t.
Anything logistics (finances, groceries), commuting, childcare, and appointments for our kids (2 and 4) has fallen to me (39f) on top of working a full-time (new) job. I’m pooped.
Yesterday morning, I realized our kid (2) was too sick to go to daycare. In the chaos of getting my other kid ready (who was melting down), I said I really couldn’t stay home as I had meetings on a project I’m leading that morning.
The people attending could only join that AM and are gone for the week. The deadline passes before they return. I’m new to the role, I couldn’t move forward with the project without their help. I offered to come home at noon and be home the rest of the day, and work from home Thurs/Fri.
The husband seemed really grumpy, but I heard “not to bother.” So I left with a screaming kid, late for school.
I arrived late for work and the meetings did not go well (I’m farther behind than I thought and my boss is concerned about our ability to make the timeline next week. It’s stressful.
I cried in the washroom). I called home at lunch to see if I needed to come home and my husband said no.
I raced home at the end of the day and arrived to an exhausted husband. I took the kids for the rest of the evening. Later that night, he blew up at me.
He said “I prioritized my work over him and that in the future, I should never ask him for help when I’m sick because I wouldn’t get it. Maybe he married the wrong person. I have shown my true colors.” I was taken aback by his strong reaction. I apologized for not reading the situation better in the am.
I asked why he didn’t tell me he wasn’t able to take care of our kiddo, to which he said he did. I said I missed this and apologized. I said I offered to come home after lunch, I arranged so I could work at home the next few days. I didn’t think it was an emergency as he’s been able to take care of the kids, just the night before.
He said I didn’t give him a chance to say he needed me at home as I said the meetings were important. I said we could have found help (a babysitter) for a few hours and he dismissed this. I said if I had known it was serious I could have brought our kiddo to the meeting.
And honestly, what would he have done in my situation? He’s been in this situation in the past where he couldn’t stay home with me and a newborn when I’ve been sick, so I had to find outside help. He said it was different as this was a brain injury.
I started to cry and said I’ve been doing the best I can.
He said not to score keep and I set him back another week of recovery, which I said was unfair. He remained adamant I was solely wrong. We slept apart/not spoken since. I thought we both could have been better communicating, and feel we both contributed to this.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I’m gonna give some leeway to your husband here.
I don’t know the nature of his concussion or the specifics; however, concussions can affect people’s mood larger than some might think. It can make people irritable, sad, moody, nervous, more so than usual, and perhaps even irrationally so. It could also be skewing his memory so just keep that in mind. So if his outburst is really out of the ordinary for him (and you’ll know him better than anyone here in the comments), then I’d be willing to chalk it up to that and what sounded like a stressful morning for everyone.
Now I’m not outright excusing his behavior, however hopefully given a little time in his recovery, he’ll realize he was out of line and will apologize. You’re doing your best and you’ve got a lot on your plate right now.
Please don’t despair, everyone has rough patches. I have every confidence you can get through it.” Capital-Literature-9
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, he can’t pick up a phone and call a babysitter? He is an equal parent and equally responsible for making childcare arrangements and dealing with sick time. Attempting to guilt you with setting his recovery back is a low blow and there’s absolutely no way he could know that anyway.
In his defense, maybe he’s not thinking straight because he does have a concussion. Try to forgive yourself and do not accept all the blame, but maybe give him a little leeway too.” Major_Bother8416
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Could his reaction be a part/result of his injury?
That, or he’s fundamentally incapable of seeing how difficult this situation is for you, as well.
If he can’t even say a simple “yes” when you ask “do I need to come home now, because I can” he’s not worth the argument. He can dismiss outside help all he wants, but that just shows he expects YOU to fix and take care of everything.
I’m sure he’s frustrated about his recovery, but that’s no excuse for taking it out on the one person who supports him the most.
Again: you’re not the jerk. I hope he apologizes to you soon because you deserve that. At the very least.” Competitive-Bake-103
He expects you to fox everything anyway so fix it but don't tell him till after the fact
2. AITJ For Refusing To Refund My Friend For A Party She Can No Longer Go To?
“24M here talking about my 24F friend “Mara”. I am organizing a birthday party at a bar in the city we live in for a mutual friend of ours. I rented out a portion of the bar with bottle service so it cost about 2 grand. A little over 20 people were invited so I think each person paid around $80-90?
I’m not quite sure what the number exactly was as people paid me a few weeks ago.
Mara was one of the people who paid me. She said something about misreading the dates and she has some big thing with her sister that night and she could not attend. The fight we are having is Mara wants her money back.
Well, she can’t have it back. Why?
Because I already paid. Essentially I would have to give her the bucks out of my own pocket to refund her. Here is where I think Mara is being pretty crappy to me. She’s insisting I can give her the refund out of my pocket and is using my life situation against me.
I come from decent money. I currently live on my own and I pay for pretty much all my bills, but my parents still send me a little bit of fun bucks a month. Not much like 200 bucks. This is honestly how I paid my share of the bar. Mara knows this.
She’s been bad-mouthing me, calling me Mommy’s Bank and crap.
She’s accusing me of being a spoiled, selfish jerk because I “know” she’s worked for everything pretty much since high school. And “the finances mean a lot more” to her than it does to me I guess.
I don’t think my situation matters at all and that is just extra details. Her poor planning is not my problem and just because I technically can afford to pay her doesn’t mean I should.
At the end of the day, she paid for it and didn’t realize her scheduling conflict and that’s on her.
The last comment I had to her was “if you claim you work so hard, maybe go to work and make your bucks back instead of trying to shake down your friend” and we haven’t talked since.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you told her once you paid the bar it was final and she didn’t object then I think that is on her. She made a commitment. If you want to try to help her out you could create a group chat and inform everyone that she is flaking out and request everyone send her $4 to cover her portion of the tab ($80÷20 people).
But it would be a request and I think that would be an individual decision made by all participants. They might be on a budget and unable to contribute more than originally asked.
The most important part of this post though is that she holds you in contempt and feels entitled to your wallet. This is not a great quality in a friend.
She also does not feel responsible for her own commitments. Also not a great quality in a friend.
You owe her nothing. If you want to be nice you can offer her $4 as your share of the bill. But I don’t think I could be friends with someone like her.” Few_Improvement_6357
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Why is anyone thinking that it’s OP’s responsibility to refund Mara? OP’s role in this was simply being a(n unpaid?) party planner.
Mara is the one who made a mistake. The payment was for a mutual friend’s party, paid for by the group so they could celebrate together. IMO, Mara should view the outlay as a gift for the birthday friend, not as a ticket to the party.
If Mara wants her payment back, then it’s on her to request it from the group.
Is it not worth it for Mara to spend some bucks for their friends to celebrate a birthday? Does Mara think she should pay for her friend’s party only if she gets to be there to get her money’s worth?
OP’s financial status is irrelevant. Everyone who paid into the booking paid the same amount. It was not billed as a proportion of what their income was.” DWYL_LoveWantYouDo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sorry to say to Mara that she gave money for a service that was also a present for someone else. It’s unfortunate she didn’t check the dates before she gave you the money, and didn’t realize her mistake before you paid for it, but personally, I don’t think her being unable to attend in this situation is a good enough reason for a refund.
Like, it’s a gift for a service mainly for someone else.
Others might not see it that way, but at the very least she’s certainly not entitled to a refund directly from you because you happen to be organizing it. This was her screw-up. The only fair way for her to get her money back would be for her to contact everyone else who’s invited and ask that they buy her out.
She probably knows that would make her look bad though so she’s not. You’re right, if you bought her out individually, it could easily fall all right back in your lap if other people ask for refunds. That’s not an okay position for you to end up in.
As for her attitude, is she really going around saying these things about you over $2400 a year??
That’s very nice of your parents to provide this to you, but no, your life is not made or broken over $2400 a year. This doesn’t make you some rich trust fund kid or something. It’s none of her business that you receive those finances from your parents and it’s certainly not her place to tell anyone your business either.
Calling someone “spoiled” over that just screams of jealousy on her part.
Hold your ground. If she comes back at you let her know she’s welcome to attempt to collect $5 from everyone else and see if she’s willing to let her reputation take a hit. I bet she’s not willing to do that to herself even though she’s popping off trying to damage your reputation.” MidnightTL
1. AITJ For Wanting To Name One Of The Babies?
“I’m pregnant with twins and my fiancé and I just found out we’re having a boy and a girl. We started talking about names the other day. He told me that he really wanted to name the boy baby after himself (first and middle).
I wasn’t on board at first but after thinking about it I agreed.
I told him that for the girl baby I wanted her first name to be my sister’s since we’re very close and the middle to be my dad’s since he passed when I was young. (My dad’s name isn’t really unisex but it’s becoming a common girl’s name).
My fiancé got visibly sad and told me he wanted to name the girl baby after his mom and have the middle name be his dad’s name (his dad’s name IS a unisex name).
I told him that I didn’t really think it was fair that he got to name the first baby what he wanted and now wants to name the second baby also what he wants.
I also said it wasn’t fair that my family was excluded. He said he really wanted to incorporate at least his mom’s name.
I told him that the girl baby’s middle name can be his mom’s but then the boy’s middle name is going to be my dad’s. He said he wanted the boy baby named completely after him though so the baby is a Junior.
I told him he doesn’t get to name both of the babies what he wants. He got upset about this comment and has been standoffish toward me. I don’t think that was so awful of me to say but now I’m second-guessing my comment and wondering if I’m a jerk for it.”
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ – your fiance is being really unfair and excluding your family (not to mention your opinion!). But have y’all considered how the girl might feel about her brother being a Junior and her being something else/not a Jr?
Take this with a few grains of salt because I don’t really have Jrs in my or my husband’s family, but I’ve always wondered if kids who have a sibling who’s a Jr or a III (or whatever) feel like their sibling is somehow favored, especially when the Jr isn’t the oldest child.
It might be a bit different in this case since it’s less common for girls to be Jrs and it sounds like these are your first kids, but… just my two cents.” burninginfinite
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I have my dad’s first name (I’m a girl though so I have the female spelling of it) and my mom’s middle name because my dad wanted a junior and my mom’s middle name is a family name that she wanted to continue.
Compromise when naming children is super important. Honestly, I think it’s better you both get to pick one of the names for each child rather than each of you getting full naming control over one child but whatever you end up deciding compromise is super important here. Your fiance is being selfish.
True juniors run into so many problems with government documents for the rest of their lives.
My dad was super excited when I was a girl because it meant he could give me his name but not deal with it being exactly the same name because he has a brother who’s a junior and saw how many document issues it caused him.” avalonrose14
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