People Ask Us To Carefully Evaluate Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
21. AITJ For Turning Down A Birthday Invitation?
“We (I, M43; Partner, M39) have recently moved to Hong Kong.
A colleague introduced us to two queer migrant couples – Jay & partner, and Kay & partner. Jay and Kay are both in the same line of work though in different institutions.
We have met 3 times, at each others’ homes, visiting parties marking festive occasions. The visits were easy, low-key, and fun.
2 weeks ago, Kay and Jay sent me a WhatsApp message asking if my partner and I would be interested in joining a combined birthday party for their partners, who are turning 45 and 50 a few days apart.
I agreed on a message that we would love to join them for the celebrations and share the special day.
On confirming over a message, I got an email invite, telling us of the exclusive wine cellar they have booked, and the itinerary for the evening which included unlimited wine tasting (we don’t drink liquor), a 3-course menu (with only 2 dishes suitable to my diet) and instructions to wire 995 HKD (130 USD) per person to pay for the party.
The email also insisted that we confirm our attendance and wire the payment by the end of the day because they have a ‘waitlist of guests’ that they could then accommodate. Within 2 hours of getting the email, we decided that we were not going to spend this money on a party like this.
To put it in perspective, 260 USD would be more than our 2 weeks of groceries and food. We also felt like being asked to pay for somebody’s party when it was not mentioned in the original invite, was unusual. Our cultural experience (Dutch, Indian, US American) does not have this as the norm.
I replied to their email and politely declined the invite. I cited a scheduling conflict (we had tentative other plans anyway) because I did not want to spoil their mood with my reasons. I offered that in the days before or after the birthdays, we would love to meet in person, bring cake, and celebrate their special days.
I got an angry reply 3 days later that canceling after agreeing is unacceptable. Apparently, they need a minimum of 40 guests for the event, and now they are 2 people short because we canceled. They said, that instead of buying cake and gifts, they would rather we pay for the party.
I reminded them that I canceled within 3 hours of receiving the email, well before their deadline. I apologized that they had logistical issues, but remained firm that we were not paying for the party.
There was no reply. Then today, my colleague who introduced us, met me at lunch and asked me why I was behaving like this.
I explained the situation to him, and he said, I was being stingy because I could easily afford this – given that we earn the same salary and he and his partner went for it. He told me that the consensus in the group was that we were jerks and miserly for not contributing and being good sports.
I am trying to figure out where we goofed up, and if indeed we turned out to be jerks, and what we could have done differently.”
Another User Comments:
“No. They’re the jerks. Sounds like they needed you and your partner because they didn’t have enough people.
The fact they didn’t tell you it was going to cost two weeks of your pay upfront makes it obvious they intended to trick you and tried to rely on a ‘guilty conscience’ (which you have no reason to feel) for declining a birthday invite after you’d accepted. (’cause who does that?) However, you clearly would not have accepted the party invite had they provided the pertinent info upfront.
They took the opportunity for you to deny the request for a perfectly acceptable reason and now are trying to make you look like a jerk. That was manipulative and messed up on the birthday couple’s part. They, and their whole ‘group,’ are absolute jerks.
Screw those awful clowns. You shouldn’t be speaking to any of ‘the group’ anymore.” Lurkesalot
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They invited you, you said you wanted to come. Got the details, but they don’t work for you. End of story. It is entitled to expect that people who you don’t have a close relationship with and you don’t know their personal situation (while they might know your salaries, they don’t know your expenses and dependents, your financial plans, etc) shell out any money, let alone the equivalent of 2 weeks of groceries, to attend your party, especially when they can’t engage in the main activity (drinking and eating).
That may be the way that group of friends behaves, so it’s not unusual for them, but it doesn’t mean it is usual for everyone else. It is their problem if they choose an activity that requires 40 people minimum when they don’t have at least 50 good friends and family.
That was THEIR choice, you don’t owe them anything. You didn’t make a commitment to attend knowing all the details (from what I understood you didn’t even have the date).
If they make a big deal out of this, which looks like they already did by informing other people and asking them to put pressure on you, they don’t seem like people you should further develop a friendship with.” Yrene_IV
20. AITJ For Wanting My Baby To Have My Last Name?
“I (30f) was with the father (31M) head over heels in love with him and we planned children/life together the whole nine but 5 days after we discovered I was pregnant he dumped me and hasn’t really been involved since. When I asked what happened and what changed all I got was ‘Life happened’.
I don’t know what that means and I don’t really care anymore. I’ve seen him twice since we found out in November 23’ and the baby is due in July 24’.
I invited him to my last ultrasound (which is the 2nd out of 2 times) and he surprisingly showed up so we were on okay terms. He asked me if I had any names picked out for the baby and I told him my options which included my last name.
And he said wait you’re not giving the child my last name? My response was 1. We are not married and 2. He hasn’t been there for me through this pregnancy at all. He ignored/gave me the silent treatment for weeks/a month at a time.
His response was marriage has nothing to do with it and he has been preparing for the baby (if I knew how I would say but I guess stocking up on pampers?) so me not giving his last name is crazy.
I believe that marriage does play a big role in the child’s last name.
Not that we are to be married right away but us building a life together or a stable future together leading to marriage would be more considerable and that’s clearly not happening and I’ve come to accept that. And the fact that he has been absent through my pregnancy plays a huge role as well.
Pregnant women need a lot of support and I’ve been navigating this all on my own (my mom passed when I was a teenager and my father hasn’t been the same since so I don’t have that kind of moral/life support).
We need physical, mental, and emotional support to get through this life-changing time. He doesn’t check up on us, or ask if we need anything, we’re pretty much out of sight out of mind. All he said was okay and I left the conversation with ‘maybe we can hyphen it… time will tell’ but he has reverted back to giving me the silent treatment and hasn’t talked to or answered me since.
Am I really the jerk for giving the baby my last name? I feel like it’s a privilege to have a child and be a part of creating and preparing for a new life. It’s not just handed to someone because they want it.
And if he wanted to be involved that bad so the baby would have his last name he would. I’m a firm believer in ‘if they wanted to they would’ so I don’t get how it’s such a big deal and crazy for my last name to be the given last name?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Dude bolted when he found out you’re having his kid. I’ll eat my shoe if he mans up and starts acting like a real father. Giving the kid your last name is going to make your life so much easier as the primary caregiver.
Just imagine, the kid has a different last name than you. EVERY TIME you take him/her to school, to the doctors, to camp, to anything – you have to explain that, yes, you are in fact the mother. And for what? Baby daddy’s ego?
Please. Don’t even give it a second thought. He can figure out his feelings in therapy if it bothers him so much.” QfromP
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, the silent treatment is an abuse tactic. He thinks he can drop you like a hot coal when you’re pregnant and then show up JUST enough to lead you on that he cares.
He feels entitled to access you when he wants & punish you when you don’t do what he wants. It will only get worse when the child is born. He only cares about his ego. Definitely do not include his name, he doesn’t deserve it.
I understand you want to support & include him, but he is actively manipulating & causing you trouble. I would stop contact and let him get a lawyer to figure out custody later.” earthenlily
(Make sure you have one good photograph of him somewhere for when the baby is big enough to ask; have an age-appropriate story along the lines of 'some people aren't ready to be parents or aren't suited to parenthood, none of this is your fault or because you are not loveable) for your child.
19. AITJ For Eloping Without Telling My Mother-In-Law?
“I (35f) have been with Max (38m) for 17 years.
Max’s family doesn’t like me, never has, though I used to really make an effort to fit in cause family is important to him.
Years ago Max asked me to marry him, and we started planning for a ‘proper’ wedding.
My dad, old fashioned as he was, was planning on paying for the bulk of it & we had a lot of fun coming up with things we’d like to have (a fairground carousel & one of Dad’s famous BBQs for example).
Then his mum started giving me lists of who to invite (150 people neither of us knew), telling me of dietary requirements she knew ‘off the top of her head,’ & both she and his sister started trying to get me to go dress shopping with them in a place where everything needed a corset to wear it and a mortgage to buy it.
Eventually, we scrapped the whole thing after we had a huge row when he said it had to be in one of 6 locations pre-approved by his mother to accommodate the needs of the vast tribe of cousins she was inviting.
Fast forward 10 years to last year & we lost my dad in a terrible accident.
Afterward, Max suggested we get married. He said it would give us both next-of-kin security if something should happen to the other, & seeing what happened to my dad made him realize how fragile life was.
Neither of us wanted to open up the same can of worms as last time & seeing as it was just the paperwork we needed, we worked out the cheapest elopement we could.
We told NO ONE. The only people who knew were the 2 friends who came and pet-sit for us for the weekend & my sister and her husband, who let us stay in their house and gave us a lift.
We decided to send texts to family, and then make a social media post afterward to let everyone else know, & to explain that we’d have a fun party at a later date.
My mum claims she had already guessed & her response was ‘About bloody time lol.’
Max’s mum went nuclear. She rang him, sobbing hysterically he had ‘taken this away from her,’ calling him selfish for ‘stealing the opportunity to plan the wedding.’
His sister took the phone then, yelling he had no right to do that to them and not to tell them personally. We later established that although they had the same text as all the other families, they had ignored it & learned when they browsed social media.
He tried to explain we’d literally just signed the paperwork & would be having a party on a different date, but she hung up. His aunt rang me, screamed I was a homewrecker, and then hung up.
Max’s uncle (MiL’s brother), the only one of his family he talked to regularly anyway, said not to worry, it was only a matter of time ‘before the harpies chose him for their annual drama’ & our friends were puzzled as to why the planning would have been anything to do with MiL anyway, but it has been a full year, he’s still being ignored (not even a Christmas card) & we haven’t had the party yet because he wanted them to join it.
So I’ve been wondering; were we actually jerks to elope without telling her?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I mean the fact she tried to make you go to one of 6 locations of HER choice and invite her ‘friends’ and acquaintances just for bragging rights says it all.
Sounds like MIL is more upset that an elopement cost her a massive party, an excuse to invite every person and their pets and turn it into a ‘Me Me Me’ show, and best of all I get the feeling she’d stick you with the massive bill at the end and refuse to pay for any of her no shows.
Had you told her I get the feeling she would have spoiled it by announcing it on social media within minutes of you telling her and spoiling the surprise.
Tell his family it was YOUR wedding and they just have to deal with it. Sounds like MIL has main character syndrome and can’t stand she’s not in the spotlight for this.” ColdstreamCapple
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your wedding is YOURS, not hers. She’s free to have any wishes and dreams that she wants – as long as she understands that these are ‘wishes’ not ‘rights’ and that she only gets to be DISAPPOINTED that her fantasy didn’t happen.
She has no ‘right’ to be full-tilt ANGRY about this or lay any blame on either of you since she had no ‘right’ to a wedding in the first place – and it was NEVER hers to ‘plan.’ Perhaps some other family member who understands this and has enough backbone to stand up to her can set her straight?
Otherwise, you may have to accept that she is just that clueless and stubborn, and find a way to move forward.” TrainingDearest
18. AITJ For Buying A House That Would've Been Perfect For My Friend?
“I (30F) have finally gotten to the point where I am ready to buy a house and move out of my apartment.
I live in an area where the real estate market is even more insane than it is in the rest of the US since we’re a short distance away from a major city.
I have another friend who is also looking. He and his wife have 2 kids under 5 and are looking for a 3-4BR.
Our town has multiple elementary schools and they’re trying to find a place that’s in one of the better elementary districts. I was looking for a 2-3 BR and I’m child-free so I’m not fussy as far as which district I’m in as long as I’m in a nice neighborhood.
We both look constantly and pass along anything we see on Zillow or if we pass a place on the street that we think would be a good fit for the other.
Recently I had a cousin who knew someone who passed away and whose family was planning to put the house on the market.
She remembered I was looking and asked if they’d be open to holding off and letting me see it before they put it on the market. It was a larger house than I intended (a small 4BR) and somewhat dated but it was in a nice area and I jumped on it and got a decent price because I wasn’t asking them to take care of a lot of the cosmetic things that they’d need to do before listing it.
They also wanted to sell to someone local instead of someone who was just going to flip it.
I told my friend about it and now they’re upset and think I should have let them have a chance at it because it fit their needs more than mine and was in a great school district.
They said that it’s not fair that I bought it because I’m not planning on having kids so it’s too much space and it’s a home that should have gone to someone who would benefit from the location.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – your friend is very entitled. Your cousin – a family member invested in your well-being – did you a favor by hooking you up with the homeowner. You did the homeowner a favor by not requiring them to make cosmetic repairs. Your cousin wasn’t offering to hook up just anyone with the owner – just you, their relative.
If you hadn’t jumped on it, they would have made the cosmetic improvements and put the house on the market. The price would have been higher and there’s a good chance someone else would have purchased it.
I’d put these ‘friends’ on the back burner… it’s possible they may come to their senses and see how ridiculous their statement was.
It’s probably just something that popped out since they would obviously want the same good luck and they don’t really think you don’t deserve the house. People are sold houses based on their ability to pay, not because they have kids or ‘deserve’ the house.
Sellers who base their decision on who to sell on these things are often unpleasantly surprised. Our neighbors took a lower offer from a young couple who told them how they loved the house, just right for them and their kids, wouldn’t change a thing.
Of course, it was the lot they wanted – they razed the house to the ground and built a much larger, grander house in its place.” MercuryRising92
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. One extra bedroom doesn’t make you a monster or undeserving of a house.
You found out about the house via a family connection & got it because you were willing to accept it as is. If the house had ended up on the market your friend may have gotten it, but more than likely would’ve been outbid for it.
His situation is frustrating for sure, but you shouldn’t feel guilty about it. Just offer to continue to help them look & keep an eye out for a house for them. Your friend may have to compromise and go with a smaller home or a less desirable school district to get into the market.
3 bedrooms are easier to find than 4 in most markets. ” Oh-its-Tuesday
17. WIBTJ If I Accept Financial Help From My Mom?
“My (37f) husband (40m) and I have a 1-year-old daughter. We live in a small home that we rent. My mother offered to gift us 100k as a down payment for a house so we could live in a bigger home and expand our family.
My husband does not want to accept the money. He gives these reasons:
- Your sisters will resent you and your mother if she gives us this money
- That is a lot of money and we will always feel like we are obligated/owe her
- This could ruin your relationship with your mom if she ever wants us to pay her back because there is no way we could ever pay her back.
I have 2 younger sisters who would feel this is unfair and that my taking this would be like stealing some of their inheritance. They do not know this money has been offered to me.
I let my mom know the above concerns my husband listed and her view is: it’s my money to do with what I want.
Your sisters are all much better off financially than you, own their own homes, and are able to support themselves without my help. Everything I own when I die will be split between the 3 of you equally. I would rather gift you something before then to help ensure you and my granddaughter are secure and have a home.
I won’t be telling your sisters about the money. I want you to have a good relationship after I die. This money is a gift. You will not pay me back and I don’t expect anything in return. I can even write a notarized statement if that makes you feel better about me giving it to you.
I told my husband my mom’s response and he still doesn’t want to accept the money. I think he feels guilty he isn’t making enough to buy us a house. In case it matters to anyone… we both work full time and spend an equal amount of time with household chores and taking care of our daughter.
Financially I make more than him but it’s still not enough for us to save for a sizeable down-payment for a home we are looking for. My mother and my husband have a good relationship and get along. He offers to help her fix things around her home without payment.
We see her 2-3x per month for lunch or dinner.
To me, this money is life-changing. I don’t see us being able to afford to buy a home for several more years. The cost of daycare alone right now is staggering (~1600/month). After our other bills and food, we have almost nothing left over each month.
My mom is insisting on giving me this money regardless of my husband’s objections. WIBTJ for accepting it despite my husband not wanting it?”
Another User Comments:
“TELL YOUR HUSBAND THAT YOUR DAUGHTER’S FUTURE IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN HIS EGO. A house isn’t just a safe place to grow your family—it’s an investment that could put your kids through college one day.
You’re inordinately lucky to have a mother who’s so generous and who seems to have a very functional grip on what the money means, why she’s giving it away, and how you can proceed with maintaining a healthy relationship afterward.
Some people can’t mix family and finances.
But some very much can, and do.
In light of your mother’s rationality, there is no practical reason not to accept this money. Financial decisions should be made on numbers, not on nonsense moralistic precepts. When you’ve got another child and money’s even tighter, he won’t feel so cute about forcing you to leave $100,000 on the table.
And you won’t respect him for it. NTJ.” aemondstareye
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ if you accepted without his agreement. However, there are ways to work around that, if the notarized statement is not enough (but be careful, in my country such a gift would still be accounted for in the succession… Check the laws where you live).
Your mom can give you the money and it could be stated that this is your down payment and give you a larger share of the house as a result. This way your husband would not be ‘indebted’ to your mother. Or she could help you pay for childcare so you can save.
Or put it in your daughter’s college fund or something so you can use or save any money for other purposes. However, your husband has to understand he can’t prevent you from accepting money for yourself. If your mom is a good mom and not prone to use money as a power play, then it’s up to him to deal with his fears.
16. AITJ For Not Supporting My Wife With Her Decision To Switch Careers?
“I (M 29) and my wife (F 28) have 2 kids (4 + 2) and have been married for 4 years. My wife works part-time as a receptionist, while I’m a full-time plumber. When our 2-year-old was born, he was very sick and as a result, we had some medical debt.
We are not currently struggling, but are living just at the point where we are comfortable.
My wife hates her job but keeps in it because she’s good at it and it pays well enough for an entry-level position. She has wanted to become a nurse for a long time but was unable to attend college and with the kids, it’s fallen on the backline.
I’m sympathetic towards this, I really am and would love to see her follow her dreams and become a nurse, I’ve made that very clear. But, she wants to do it now, and honestly, I don’t really see how that is possible. Between the clinical placements, studying, paying for the course, working, our childcare situation, and our debts, I cannot see how it would work.
My wife says she has spoken with her parents and the kids would be able to stay with them usually and she could get a nightfill job. But I don’t feel like this is going to be enough, she will be earning a lot less and I will have to work more hours to make sure we are definitely financially alright.
This will mean I spend less time at home, and can’t contribute as much to household chores, which she will have to pick up and balance even more work.
I said I couldn’t support this choice and that she should wait a few years until the kids are in school and she has more time.
She says I am a jerk, that she has a right to be happy in her life and I should be supporting her. She says it’s unfair that I get to enjoy my work (which I do) and she spends her days hating it.
I agree it isn’t fair but I just don’t feel like now is the time to go about this and can’t support her choice to change careers.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You both make good points. Has she thought about maybe getting a receptionist job at a medical office? Maybe do that for a couple of years until the kids are older? I agree that’s a lot to have on your plate.
But she does need to have at least some kind of a plan to work towards a more satisfying job in the near future. It really is soul-crushing when you have to spend most of the day doing something you hate. She’ll be a better version of herself if she comes home feeling like she accomplished something, even if she’s worn out from it.
So maybe meet her halfway?
Suggest giving it a few months or a year to research options and arrangements and see what kind of solid plan you can come up with during that time. Let her have a chance to prove to you that she can figure out a way to do it instead of assuming she can’t.
People who are driven will find a way around obstacles. It may not happen as quickly as she’d like, but even just being able to take steps toward making it an actual plan can feel like progress and give her some hope. You can show your support by letting her know that her happiness matters to you and that you’re going to be there for her even if it’s a bit of a rough journey.” StrangelyRational
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your wife could spend time when she isn’t working now finding something that pays the same as she has now. Your 4-year-old should be in kindergarten next year. She could start some general online courses then. Someone else suggested looking for a receptionist job in a hospital (or a doctor’s office).
You’re not saying, ‘I will never support your wish to have a good career in nursing ever.’ You’re also not saying, ‘Your nursing wish is fricking stupid/you could never complete it or be good at it.’ And your spouse shouldn’t be cussing at you, especially for asking for a normal compromise.” MoBirdsMoProblems
15. AITJ For Telling My Husband To Stop Using My Food Funnels For Kerosene?
“I have three funnels in my house. One is medium-sized silicone that is stored in the kitchen, one is small silicone that is stored in the kitchen, and one is small plastic that is stored near my husband’s collection of kerosene lamps.
He goes camping a lot, and he initially bought metal kerosene lamps to take camping, but in the past ~4 years, he’s been buying kerosene lamps for the house in case the power goes out.
He will burn these even when we have full service of the electric grid because he ‘likes the ambiance.’
I have told him, on so so so many occasions, that I do not want him to use my silicone food funnels for his kerosene.
He has a funnel for the kerosene that is stored next to the lamps, and he should not need to be anywhere near the food funnels while filling his lamps.
He revealed that he moved the kerosene funnel to the garage, where he stores his camping stuff because it’s for camping, and that it’s ‘not convenient’ for him to go get it while putting kerosene in lamps that are in the house, so he uses the other funnels if he’s filling the lamps while in the house.
For the record, I also don’t want the kerosene lamps burning in the house unless the power has gone out, but he burns them sometimes just for fun because of ‘nostalgia’ for a time that was 100 years before he was born.
His argument when I breach this topic with him is always, ‘It’s not hurting the funnel.’ My concern isn’t the funnel.
I can get a new funnel for very few dollars. My concern is that he doesn’t see anything wrong with putting the funnel back in its drawer after he’s used it for kerosene and merely rinsed it out (no soap, no dishwasher run, nothing other than lukewarm water to rinse it).
This is not safe, and I can’t tell when he’s used the funnel on sight, so it could contaminate our food.
He says he shouldn’t have to go to the garage every time he wants to put kerosene in a lamp. I say he should just stop using kerosene lamps in the house if the power is working (which it is, barring a storm, like in most American households).
He says I’m being unfair and that the funnels belong to the house, so he should be allowed to use them as he wants. I say that’s nonsense because he’s misusing them. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Jeez. This man is an adult, presumably with his own money?
And some kind of way of getting around the place, like legs or perhaps a wheelchair? Right. So he can go to a shop and buy another funnel, or two or three, for his kerosene. How difficult is that? Or you can make him kerosene-flavored food.
I see that the stuff ‘is not particularly poisonous’ in tiny quantities, so Husband should be fine with that. NTJ, but your husband is. Pillows belong to the household, I am fairly sure your husband would feel a pillow was being misused if you were to hold it firmly over his face while he was sleeping.” Fit-Confusion-4595
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Buy him a garden shed. Put him and the kerosene and one funnel in the shed. Having kerosene indoors is disgusting and dangerous. It smells, it is flammable, and cross-contamination is a possibility. There is no way he should be pouring kerosene into the house.
Even burning kerosene in a lamp is iffy in a house. When camping it’s different, you are outdoors and fumes can dissipate. Some people regard this as fun. But you should only be using one inside your home in an emergency. Will your house insurance cover his 18th-century ambiance if the house burns down?
And silicone will pick up the flavor. Sooner or later he’ll be eating kerosene pie.” anemoschaos
14. AITJ For Wanting To Kick My Homeless Friend Out Of My House?
“My friend has been unemployed for 2 years now.
During her first year, she was staying at a friend’s place (who is established, owns a home, and has a kid). She would babysit for her friend while looking for a job and after a year of no offer, she decided to volunteer outside the US and do a nomad thing where they would be provided housing and a small allowance to better her mental health.
She did this for a year and recently came back to the States because the debt was piling and she could no longer ignore it (credit card, car registration, tuition). She also couldn’t find a job outside the country (she was hoping to work remotely) so eventually she ran out of money.
Now that she’s back, she has been couch surfing and she told me her situation. (The friend she stayed with for a year is no longer on good terms with her.) She drove from NorCal to SoCal to stay with me
I am currently getting ready for grad school, working a full-time job, and living in a studio.
I offered and told her if I am a last resort to her being homeless, she can stay with me until she can get back on her feet (until my lease ends which is 6 months). She ended up calling me asking me if my offer was available and I said yes.
I told her not to worry about rent or bills.
Fast forward to now, it’s been over a month and she just started to work about a week ago. For the first 3 weeks, she’s been sleeping around with people and going out regularly.
She was offered a job and ended up turning it down because she’d done something similar in the past and it affected her mental health.
Now she’s Ubering and working as an on-call teacher. She’s still going out on weekends and I told her although I offered to house her, I think her sense of urgency is lacking.
She is content with her teaching job and I told her it’s not a reliable source of income, it is on call. She countered that they usually have hours for her to work. (She’s been working 24 hours a week) Recently she made a comment hoping she gets fewer hours on Friday so she can go out.
I’m starting to feel depressed because the only time I have to myself is when she goes out with guys/when I drive to and from work. I was hoping she would be back on her feet soon but it seems like she is doing the bare minimum.
I feel like her lack of urgency is also making me feel some type of way.
(Again share a studio, and a queen bed lol.)
AITJ if I tell her I can no longer house her?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I get that it’s not the best job market, but if she actually wanted to work and provide for herself, she wouldn’t have turned down a job offer.
She’s an adult so she can live however she wants as long as she’s able to provide for herself, which obviously isn’t the case since you’re allowing her to live rent and bill-free.
If you continue to support her mooching, you’re being a jerk to yourself.
This is a perfect example of the saying: ‘Don’t light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.’ It’s great to be kind and considerate of others, but you owe the same kindness and consideration to yourself. Learn from this, next time a friend in need comes your way, reflect on their history before opening your home to them indefinitely.
There’s a reason the friend she was staying with before burned that bridge.” Zealousideal-Divide6
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you do sound kind of naive. It was kind of you to offer to house her, but she is obviously a free-spirited type who has never really settled into responsibility.
Your description of how she’s lived her life so far is kind of ‘fly by the seat of your pants and enjoy life type’, which hey, no disrespect, and I actually envy. But that’s only reasonable to do when she isn’t putting anyone else out for how she lives her life.
She may not see it as taking advantage of you, but she kind of is. ” feyinbetween
13. AITJ For Asking My Roommate To Find A Hotel For The Weekend?
“So I (38f) let a friend/roommate (31f) move in with me with her 2 young kids about a year ago due to unhealthy marriage circumstances. I was accustomed to living alone and it was a last-ditch effort for her living situation as she cannot afford housing on her own (we live in CA).
She helps pay rent and some utilities, I pay more since she can only afford so much.
So she and her trashy husband have been off and on for the last few months (doing occasional dates and she would stay with him a few days a week) and a few weeks ago she ended up going to visit family in another state.
Apparently, she met another guy while there. When she came home she told me about him. She said he gives her the attention her spouse doesn’t (which probably doesn’t take much since her spouse is a drinking addict and mentally abusive piece of work. Trust me I’ve told her he’s a piece of garbage plenty of times…) and then a week later she’s showing me messages between the 2 that seem very love bomb-ish (they’re already saying they want to be together forever and love each other).
At this point whatever, she never takes my advice about her relationships, but then I find out the new dude’s booked a ticket to come out here in February… she texted me asking if he could stay here, but I was in bed sick so didn’t check my messages right away, then an hour later she sends me screenshots showing the confirmation of his flight (without my response) and she says ‘I thought we could get a hotel by a beach, but we have so much to do by our house & I want to save $’.
So here are my major dilemmas (1) she didn’t wait for me to respond, (2) her ‘husband’ is psycho jealous and has mental health issues. I’m concerned he may find out about them and start drama (3) after he gets here late on a Thursday night, apparently, she can’t take the full Friday off from work, so the new dude will be at the house by himself for half a day & I have never met him.
AITJ for asking them to find a hotel for the weekend?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Even if we set the specifics aside, the guy would be a guest of your roommate, not you or your apartment. If she’s not there, he doesn’t get to be.
As for the specifics: your friend is playing with fire, and you’re going to get burned from her recklessness. She doesn’t know this guy. You don’t know if he presents a danger or not, but you know that her husband DOES. You do not need to be caught in the crossfire when – not if – he finds out what’s going on.
Your friend is taking advantage of the kindness you’ve extended her.
Also, where in the world are the kids in all this? She shouldn’t be bringing some random guy around them.” DragonCelica
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This friend will push every boundary and take all she can from you, as shown by her being with you so long and only paying partial rent, plus not giving you time to respond to her current spontaneous adulterous relationship.
She is not trustworthy, so you can imagine the types of people she attracts.
Be firm in refusing to let this man be unsupervised in your home. Instead of just telling her off about the hotel room, look up a good deal and then tell her that he can’t stay there but that you found a room deal for just x dollars.
And that gosh, wouldn’t they want time alone? Explain that you fear her husband making a scene and that you haven’t met this new guy and can’t feel safe about someone you’ve never met being alone in your home. And that you would feel pretty uncomfortable being in the next room while they are doing the deed. And yeah, where are her kids???
What about if you offered babysitting for long enough to make sense for her to get a hotel room that night? How long is he staying?
Please protect yourself. Free spirits like her can be the life of the party, but they’re not an ideal choice for a roommate.
She will most likely shortly ride off into the sunset with this new guy – or try to convince you to let him move in – because that’s what live-in-the-moment folks do. And then she’ll be back on your doorstep when he turns out to be a carbon copy of the current deadbeat husband.
Such friends are a lot of work. Be careful.” No-Palpitation-8702
Tell her it's time for her to start looking for her own living situation. Give her the names and contact numbers for all the government agencies you can think of - rental assistance, unemployment, aid to dependent children, food stamps, Medicaid - entities created to help people like her. And as she keeps abusing your hospitality and doesn't see anything wrong with it, it's time for her and her spawn to leave. Give her 60 days notice and tell her to start looking. Also look at landlord/tenant laws in your area and start eviction proceedings against her, and plan a civil standby for when she's due to move out. Good luck.
12. AITJ For Being Unsure About Going Home When My Stepdad Dies?
“I (M 35) emigrated from Europe to the US over a decade ago. I don’t have many ties to my previous country, as my mom was an only child, and my one uncle on my dad’s side separately emigrated even earlier. So there’s my dad, with whom I’m no contact, my mom, who I’m pretty close with, and my sister, who we’ll call Julie.
Julie and I have never been close.
Since moving, I have returned home a total of twice. Firstly, about 11 years ago, with my wife and our 2 kids at the time (we now have 3), for my mom’s wedding to my stepdad, (who we’ll call Brian), and then again 4 years ago, by myself, for Julie’s wedding.
In the other direction, my mom has generally visited about once a year/every other year. This has been the situation/arrangement because it’s not financially viable to do otherwise. My wife and I are both employed, and not struggling, but we don’t exactly have the kind of expendable income to make the trip given the current financial climate, certainly not last minute.
My mom and I also video chat about once a week.
With all that out of the way:
Brian had cancer and went into remission for a while, but it returned about a year ago, and from what we know was almost definitely terminal.
A few days ago, Julie messaged me to tell me that I need to start making arrangements to be able to come home when Brian eventually passes to help out and take care of Mom, as she estimates it will likely be within the year.
I responded to tell her that while I am working to try and do exactly that, there is a distinct possibility that it may not be feasible. I let her know that Mom and I have had the conversation before and that she understands my situation.
This morning, I woke up to a voice message from Julie telling me essentially that that was not good enough. That she ‘gets that money is a thing’, but I have to step up and do my duty ‘for the family,’ and that it would be unacceptable to ‘just be there for the funeral’.
Because it was my choice to move, I have to make it work.
To which I responded that she clearly doesn’t understand the realities of making a last-minute transatlantic flight, and working within the confines of the US labor system. (My company will allow 5 days of bereavement time for an immediate family member and is better with PTO than others, but even then, it’s significantly more restrictive than the laws where she is).
Here’s where I think I’m closest to being the jerk: When Julie said that she would respond to that later, I told her not to bother. I know what she would have to say, and it would ultimately be meaningless. So now she’s told me that she lost all respect for me, and I should forget about ever having a sister.
I don’t want to NOT be there for my mom or Brian. But Julie doesn’t seem to fathom that there are limits to what I can physically do here.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for telling Julie not to bother responding. She’s worried about your mom, and she’s worried about how much of the burden of dealing with Brian’s death and the subsequent logistics and support will fall to her.
I’d suggest you follow up and apologize for your comment. Say that it’s really frustrating that the distance and work policies make it difficult for you to be there immediately and also stay for an extended period of time. Ask which aspect she’s most concerned about and the two of you can brainstorm ideas.
Maybe you can commit to talking with your mom at least three times a week for a bit there so your mom feels supported and Julie won’t be carrying as much of the burden. Maybe you can commit to arriving within a month of Brian’s death and staying for a couple of weeks to help with cleanup and give Julie a break from being a support person.
Or maybe it makes sense to wait until your mom says she’s ready to clean out Brian’s things, and then you fly over and manage that process. It’s unfortunate that circumstances are such that you can’t be there a lot in person. But work with Julie to figure out where you can have the greatest impact and plan for that.” pupperoni42
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. This isn’t about Brian or Julie, but your mom, in my opinion. You have a close relationship with her, she visits yearly when you are unable to; and seems to be a good and caring person. I can understand not being able to make multiple trips during this time, but when he passes, I’m sure it would help her to have you there to love and support her.
I don’t think your wife, and children, would need to go; but it’s feasible to start planning a trip now, and put a bug in your work’s ear, ‘My mother’s husband is ill and passing; when he does I will need a week off of work to travel for the funeral, and help my mom do XYZ.
I will try to keep you up to date on his health as much as possible to let you know when I will need that time off’.
It seems like Julie knows that it would be difficult to plan, and just wanted to give you the time to figure that out and get your ducks in a row.” makethatnoise
11. AITJ For Wanting My Dad To Kick My Brother Out Of His House?
“I (18F) & my older brother (26M) argue constantly over small disagreements, it usually stems from him trying to ‘parent me’ in some sense. We both live under my father’s roof & it was agreed that once we finish school we pay rent or move out.
I haven’t finished school yet & I’m planning to go to college as well.
My brother has been finished school for a while now & he is jobless at the moment. He has his own family & my father told him and his partner (24) that he could live with us until he got his feet planted on the ground which is pretty understandable cause he became a father at 21.
The issue is that he has had his feet on the ground for a very long time & he had a position that paid very well & he made it clear to me the other day that he ‘has enough money to start a business’ so it made me question why he has the money for that but not the money to afford a mortgage.
It’s no shocker he has money saved up because he doesn’t pay my father rent & neither does his partner. They live in the basement, 1 of the bedrooms was turned into a gaming room, my brother’s bedroom was turned into their kid’s room & the guest bedroom is being used by my brother’s partner’s sister (who also doesn’t pay rent) & then they turned the living room into their bedroom.
So there’s not even enough room for all of them living down there. They leave messes in the kitchen & expect me to clean up after it. If I leave a plate or 2 in the sink he yells at me to clean it up but that means I have to clean their dishes so I’ve refused to clean them up a couple of times.
My father works week on and week off & the house usually gets a big cleanup before he’s home but they expect me to clean up all of the upstairs even though I’m pretty much confined to my room every day, I eat my meals in my room, I clean my messes up in the kitchen & so on.
You might as well call me Cinderella at this point because all I do is clean up after everybody else.
I love my brother & his family don’t get me wrong but it’s unfair on me, I can’t have the kitchen between 5-7 pm every night, if I want to clean my dishes I have to put all of theirs away so there’s room for mine, I have to be quiet in the evenings because their room has no walls and they can hear me.
My father and I had conversations about him moving out & my brother overheard me & my dad’s conversation, he later told me I was ‘stabbing him in the back’ because I agreed with my dad kicking them out. I feel like a jerk agreeing with my dad but at the same time I think he’s old enough to move out & considering he said he has enough money to start a business I’m sure he won’t be homeless, there’s also 3 adults so I’m sure they could put their money together & buy a place.
I honestly really wouldn’t have a problem with them if my brother didn’t try to parent me and speak to me like I’m less than him but it’s beginning to get to me, and even in situations where he’s wrong he and his partner will ‘gang up’ on me.”
Another User Comments:
“Well NTJ for not wanting to clean up after them, but them being forced out is only up to your father, and I’m guessing his grandchild is a huge factor in his decision to let them stay there rent-free. Your brother can afford to start a business BECAUSE your dad has gracefully allowed his family to live there rent-free to save for it.
Yeah, he could use that money toward a mortgage but that would put him further behind on starting that business, which would hopefully benefit his family.
You need to talk to your dad about their lack of cleaning up after themselves, how you feel taken advantage of, etc. Similarly, talk to your brother.
Tell him you would be more supportive of him staying if they cleaned up after themselves in common spaces more often and that you feel like you’re being treated like their personal housekeeper.” Stranger0nReddit
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ. It’s not like you forced them to move out or anything.
You’re only 18 and you haven’t even finished school. I think you have a complete right to walk around the house without being harassed. If he has the ‘money to start a business’ then he probably has the money to get some walls added or such so he doesn’t hear you when he needs quiet time.
Also, your poor dad. He’s probably trying to avoid conflict with family and in his house but I feel like his love for his grandkid is being taken advantage of.
Also, it’s all well and good to live rent-free to get back on your feet but it’s not okay to take advantage of your dad by bending his rent rules and such.” bearlostinthewild
10. AITJ For Not Wanting To Attend My Half-Brother's Birthday?
“My mom had an affair when I (21M) was younger and it resulted in her getting pregnant with my now half-brother (13M). My brother (23M) remained living with my dad while my mom moved in with the man she had an affair with (my stepdad).
My mom has tried to make amends and apologized multiple times throughout our childhood. We never really forgave her because of the pain and hurt she put our dad through. We rarely see her and because of this, we aren’t really close to our half-brother.
While our dad pushes us to be.
My half-brother’s birthday is coming up next week and my mom called asking us if we’d like to attend. She said it’ll mean a lot to our little brother. We politely declined and told her that we wouldn’t attend but we wish him a happy early birthday.
When we said that, my mom started crying and telling us that she was sorry for what happened but please don’t punish our brother for her mistakes. She said that she feels horrible that we can’t have a relationship because of her wrongdoings. She begged us and we told her no and hung up.
A couple of minutes later, my half-brother reached out to me on Instagram saying that he really wanted to meet us and that it’ll make his day if we do. He said that he always wanted siblings and didn’t understand why we wouldn’t want to meet him.
I read it but didn’t reply. I talked to my dad and brother about it and my brother says that he feels sad for our brother but he still doesn’t want to go. We haven’t seen our mom in person in years and it’ll be weird if we go.
My dad told my brother and me that he knew our mother hurt us but our brother didn’t do anything wrong. He said that we shouldn’t punish our brother for what our mom did and that it’s possible to have a relationship with our brother without having a relationship with our mother.
This honestly made me rethink our decision. My mom barely made contact with us and basically replaced us with her new family. I don’t know if we are punishing our brother for something he didn’t do by not wanting a relationship with him, but our dad is making it seem that way.
He told us that it was ultimately our decision but implied that if we didn’t go we’d only be punishing our half-brother for something he didn’t do.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your father is admirable for supporting a relationship despite having every reason not to, but you and your brother can make your own decisions and you’ve both made the same one to not have a relationship with your mother or half-brother.
I suspect she’s been feeding him a narrative where it’s all happy families, and his birthday party is not the place for the baggage your mother has caused to be unpacked. If your half-brother is being punished, it’s by her actions and not yours. Her leveraging him to get back into your life is unfair to everyone she’s involving, as well as avoiding how she’s entirely responsible for this happening.” lemon_charlie
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What about all the years she punished you and your brother for her mistakes? Replaced you with her new family to pretend she hadn’t destroyed your family or your self-esteem by putting herself above everyone else? You’re both adults, tell your dad she had her chance to show she still considered you two her family but was too caught up in pretending she’d done nothing wrong.
Don’t go and risk blowing up at this kid’s birthday because I guarantee your mom is going to try and make it seem like your relationship with her is amazing for whatever audience she has. Her asking you to attend has every chance of seeing her precious replacement child happy, nothing to do with making amends with you.
So sorry you’ve had to go through this.” I_wanna_be_anemone
You brother did nothing wrong. You don't owe him, or your mother anything. You should think about it. If you decide you want to see him, I'd suggest somewhere natural. Not his party. You can plan something afterwards.
9. AITJ For Bringing Takeout To A Potluck Party?
“I (29f) had a much older sister who passed 5 years ago. We were not very close though friendly. Through my sister, I have a nephew, Mike (18m). Mike lives with his dad. Four months ago they moved to the city I and most of our family are living in.
I was working across the country most of that time and recently got back.
Last week my aunt Wendy (59f) invited friends and family to a potluck party. She asked that we bring a simple dish to the party to show Mike what he could cook since he would soon be living by himself.
Mike graduated last year but because he was still 17 he continued living with his father. He was taking a gap year and spent it working part-time jobs. He turned 18 in November and intended to move out early next year to the city where his college is.
He can’t cook at all though and our family worries.
My sister did all of the cooking while she was with them and after she passed, Mike and his dad lived mostly on take-outs and microwaveable meals. This was why Wendy asked everyone to bring a dish and give Mike quick advice on how to put the dish together.
I personally thought the kid could google it; it’s 2023. Still, there was merit to actually seeing the food and being able to ask how it was done, how long, and how much, that kinda stuff. So I said yes to the party.
Now I’m an OK cook and I planned to bring over my one-pan roasted chicken potato vegetables.
But life happened and I had an errand across town and found out as I was half an hour away from my house that I left the pan on my kitchen counter.
My partner has parents who are immigrants from Asia so is well-versed in Chinatown.
He showed me where to get things for delicious and cheap when certain stores had things on sale and such. So instead of driving back home and being almost an hour late to the party, I stopped by Chinatown, got the soy chicken at one of my usual spots, and went to the party.
Everyone really did their best with the easy meals and there were lots of pasta and stew dishes and I’m sure Mike got a clear picture of what he could be feeding himself with. Wendy did not look happy, however, when she saw my restaurant chicken.
She asked me what I planned to be teaching Mike with my dish?
I told everyone the price of my soy chicken and they were all astonished. The soy chicken was delicious and at such a bargain. I told Mike that there are many ways to get food that is good and cheap.
It’s all in knowing where to look for them. Everyone then asked me for details on the restaurant and if I knew any other places to get such a good deal. Even Mike’s dad said I should have let him know sooner so he and Mike don’t have to order in all the time.
Wendy was sulking, however. After the party (yes, my soy chicken was all gone), she said that I was being inconsiderate and telling Mike that he doesn’t need to know how to cook which is a vital life skill. I told her I simply presented an alternative for Mike to get food.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It would have been one thing to bring in the dish apologetically and explain that while you didn’t get the chance to cook, you wanted to contribute something. Instead, you waited until Wendy pointed it out and then showed it off like it was the plan all along.
You seem dismissive of your aunt and happy to have outshined the rest of the dishes. Your skill of ‘looking for these specific restaurants’ is also nearly useless and antithetical to the point of a party that was meant to help a new adult learn to survive ANYWHERE, not just your town or a town with a Chinatown.” karivara
Another User Comments:
“YTJ… you ended up having the party be centered around you and your cheap soy chicken takeaway rather than helping to encourage your nephew to learn a life skill. It’s really good for men to know how to cook, so they don’t end up like Mike and his dad if something happens to their partner!
You are clearly pleased about all the attention you got. I think you definitely owe an apology and should reach out to encourage Mike to cook, as most often it’s the best way to save money and have nutritionally dense food, not just cheap stuff that may have questionable quality.” plantiesinatwist
8. AITJ For Being Annoyed At My Mom For Insisting I Pay The People She Recommended?
“I generally consider myself a charitable and thoughtful person.
I donate to charity monthly, volunteer to cook breakfast for hungry people twice a month, do dishes if I’m at someone else’s house and they’ve cooked for me, love gift-giving, and so on. My husband and I are middle class, but last year we had two things that really stretched our budget beyond what we could afford: renovating a part of our house and getting married. We are still in a 10K consumer debt hole from the wedding & honeymoon alone.
With regards to the house, my mom ‘found’ a retired contractor who she insisted would give me a free consult and project guidance.
With regards to the wedding, she ‘found’ a woman who owned a performing arts nonprofit and was willing to let us pick up items from her props department to use for our wedding day (tables, chairs, rugs, and whatnot).
In BOTH situations I was verbally very thankful to both my mom and the person volunteering their energy. But after the service was done (the consult, the wedding) my mom would always drop this on me: You know, you really should offer to pay them (insert amount here, usually over $100).
It’s happened more than these two times, but these are just the examples that came to mind.
If I resist at all, she begins lecturing me about how I don’t understand the golden rule of life, being generous and truly thankful, or that I am demonstrating some other moral failing by not eagerly giving money for this service that was pitched to me as free.
I feel like I would have no problem offering to pay someone if I personally had enlisted their services… and I wouldn’t have a problem either if my mom came to me right off the bat with ‘Hey, this person might volunteer, but you need to offer them X amount of money if they do’.
But there is something about this bait-and-switch that is leaving a really bad taste in my mouth.
Lay it on me. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“Overall this is a ‘no jerks here’. You’ve fallen into the nebulous realm of ‘What is a fee and what is a gratuity?’ and are experiencing confusion, as many of us do from time to time.
A gratuity or tip, as the name implies, is theoretically supposed to be a GIFT given in recognition of service. But at least in the US, if you don’t actually tip when you eat dinner, you’re exploiting the waiter. It’s totally legal and allowable to stiff your waiter, but it puts you in the ‘jerk’ territory.
The two examples you specify are kind of different and unique. The lady renting you tables and hall decorations? She’s giving you something for free that you would otherwise have to pay for. Tossing some cash her way would be an appropriate use of a ‘tip.’ The ‘retired contractor’ giving you a visit and a verbal estimate?
Part of his normal cost of doing business and wouldn’t normally be compensated even if you don’t end up hiring him. If she’s nagging you about it that is a jerk move on her part. But just reminding you of conventions around tipping doesn’t necessarily bring it up to that level.” Ok-Insurance-1829
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. If your mom expects you to pay them she should mention it. But really it sounds like you’re kinda taking advantage of these volunteers, to be honest. You got yourselves into bad debt through poor choices (10k on a wedding/honeymoon plus most renovations is a choice, not a requirement) and now you’re expecting people to donate you services you don’t need.
Whilst paying people isn’t the only option, it appears you don’t want to give them anything for their time and generosity and just take. Thanks is nice and all, but it’s not exactly offering anything back. For the nonprofit who loaned you stuff, I’d deffo look at sending them a donation or helping them out with something in the future.” quenishi
7. AITJ For Speaking My Mind About My Cousin's Decision To Become A Stepmom?
“My cousin and I are pretty close and she and I have always talked about what we’re going through.
Recently she has been going out with a guy called Miles and he’s a widower father of 3 young kids. My cousin has been unsettled about things in the relationship but she really could see a future with Miles. However, becoming a stepmom is something she was unsure of.
She has some sadness surrounding her own upbringing in a blended family. I was also part of one as a kid but had a different circumstance with it.
So my cousin was talking about it around her mom, stepdad, brother, and me recently. She said she was terrified of doing the wrong thing.
Her mom told her she’d be great, that creating a blended family is such a blessing, and she should never be deterred from a relationship just because the partner has kids. Her stepdad agreed and said it was kind of silly to be so worried about it.
She asked me what I thought and whether I thought she would make a good stepmom. I hesitated and she told me she wanted the truth. And I told her I honestly did not think she would be suited to it. My cousin is sweet but very sensitive.
Her stepsiblings were never very fond of her and as an adult and someone approaching 30 it still bothers her and she still carries that rejection around with her. She has confided in me that she wishes more than anything they had wanted to build a relationship with her as siblings.
Even past friendships that just faded with time she carries around a sadness with them. She has a strong desire to be loved and struggles if love isn’t reciprocal with the same intensity. I know blending families can be different from family to family. Some stepkids will never love their stepparents, while some will, some will remain distant and others will have a very non-parental but good relationship.
I don’t think my cousin could be happy loving kids as her own, which she would, and not having the love returned. I don’t think she would pressure them but I think it would weigh her down until she changed as a person and could possibly end up holding onto so much more.
Given her very much still lingering hurt about the lack of closeness with her stepsiblings, I fear it would be harder for her in the shoes of a stepparent. Especially when she has been in ongoing therapy to help her navigate all of this.
I explained all this to my cousin and she understood my perspective.
But her mom and stepdad were furious at me and they said my cousin would make an amazing stepmom and I shouldn’t be discouraging her or saying she won’t be bad when she hasn’t even really tried. They told me I should keep my mouth closed in the future even if I’m asked because it’s cruel to be so hard on someone.
My cousin said I was right, to be honest, she asked, but I think she was a little sad.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It was not cruel to tell your cousin what you thought, since that is what she asked and she wanted the truth.
I have experience as a stepmum and I can say for sure that you should not expect anything from your SO’s children at all. Even the title as stepmum should not be given out automatically. It should be earned. But you should not expect a thing from the kids, because – they did not ask for you to come into their lives – they do not owe you their love or even their affection – they do not even owe you obedience – you are not their parent.
If things go well, you may eventually become a stepmum. That is an adult that they trust and possibly even like sometimes.
If your cousin can go into the relationship under those circumstances and still love those kids, then she should definitely try. If not, well… Some single parents really shouldn’t remarry till their children are grown.
It very much depends on the circumstances.” FragrantEconomist386
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. It seems to have insulted her parents more than herself. You were straightforward, yet extremely sensitive with the subject and respectful. You brought up good and valid points in the discussion.
You seem to know your cousin very well and for her to ask this question, means she probably has the same worries you have. You verbalizing those might even help her realize how she can still go forward in this relationship keeping in mind the endless possibilities ahead of her with her stepchildren.
If she is conscious of her possible behaviors, that discussion would only have helped her figure out how to deal with the love (or lack thereof) of her stepchildren. I think your comments will be helpful no matter the decision she makes.” Ambroisie_Cy
6. AITJ For Moving Out And Leaving My Significant Other To Figure Things Out On His Own?
“I (F 20) and my significant other, S (M 24), have been together for roughly a year and a half. Before living together he stayed with some friends of his and I was still living at home with my mom. Well, my mom and I were having issues, and his lease was ending so we decided to move in together seven months ago.
It’s important to note that I fully furnished our apartment (he had no furniture of his own and brought his PC set-up, bed, TV, and an air fryer) on my own. I also paid the first month of rent, and security deposit and paid to turn on all the utilities and internet.
Our first month together was really rough, lots of arguing but it got better. Unfortunately, once it got better he got hit with a 7k bill from his previous apartment because apparently, they failed to pay two months of rent, and a few months of utilities, left it a mess, and failed to give a proper notice.
I’d just secured a new job paying much more than my old one, so we agreed I would cover our household bills and he would get a second job and pay off that debt.
Well, this did not happen. He refused to get a second job entirely and opted to keep his fast food job instead of trying to find something that would pay him more.
In turn, this led to me working my full-time job, getting a second job, and keeping up with my homework as I am a full-time college student. It took him six months to pay off this bill. In those six months, I was responsible for maintaining our household bills, both our personal bills and all the chores (laundry, dishes, daily cleaning, cooking, etc.).
For months I sat and cried, begged, and yelled at him to help me or get a second job to contribute more. Each time I was met with the same excuse ‘I’ll try to do better.’
Fast forward to this past week, his bill is paid off and now he’s able to pay for our household bills again.
I sat him down and told him that I would be moving out as these past few months were absolutely terrible and I don’t feel we’re compatible living partners. He sat and cried and begged me to stay, that he would try to do better.
I told him flat out that he’s been telling me that for months with no results, and that if I’m forced to do everything alone when he is more than capable of helping, then I’d much rather be alone. I haven’t been able to save up any money for obvious reasons so I’m giving myself two months to get the money together and move out.
He’s still upset and cries telling me he doesn’t want to lose me and that he just hasn’t been able to help with anything due to stress and anxiety, but he’s had plenty of energy to play the game with his friends for hours these past few months.
So, I feel like I could be the jerk since I make significantly more than he does and I’m basically giving him two months to figure things out. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If he could play video games, he could’ve gotten a second job… or at least done all of the housework, since you were the one paying all the household bills.
But, if I were you, I’d make sure that you’re both moved out of the apartment at the same time… or maybe you could even leave just a wee bit later. This begging and crying to keep you could well turn into anger and rage.
He could trash the apartment if he leaves last and leave you owing a bunch of money. Just a suggestion.” ringwraith6
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Actually, OP, you had full grounds to move out when this first happened: ‘He refused to get a second job entirely and opted to keep his fast food job instead of trying to find something that would pay him more.
In turn, this led to me working my full-time job, getting a second job, and keeping up with my homework as I am a full-time college student.’
You waited until he’d paid off his debt, which was incredibly kind. He’s taking advantage of your willingness to work harder than he is, or benefiting from your greater talent.
Either way, this isn’t an equal relationship, and unless you like him enough to continue being the 100% breadwinner AND housekeeper, this relationship is going to have to end.” TheVeggieWhisperer
5. AITJ For Saying I Don't Like My Brother's Baby's Name Too?
“So my brother and his wife are expecting a child in about 2ish months and his wife is very adamant on the child’s name. She originally had it narrowed down to two names, neither of which my brother was a fan of but ended up choosing the one he disliked even more of the two.
It’s not a terrible name by any means but it is a very unique name where we’ve always preferred more traditional names.
I had known all of this but chose not to speak up as I didn’t feel it was my place. However, it all came to a head at the baby shower when the wife was talking with many of the other women there saying that the baby would for sure be named this and telling them that my brother does not like the name.
They took her side saying it was a beautiful name and the baby would be lucky to have it even signing cards and everything referring to that as the child’s name. The guys that were there just kind of kept quiet or did a ‘Yeah the name is nice’ to move on.
I felt that my brother was being a bit ganged up on and that since it is both of their child they should decide on a name that they both like. I do feel that he has been completely steamrolled in this regard so after the party I just said to my brother I understand why he doesn’t like the name.
He thanked me and said he felt glad that someone else agreed so he didn’t feel like he was crazy for being against it.
Well apparently, they fought about it that night and he mentioned that I agreed with him which made the wife mad at me.
Without my telling him that I agreed with him I don’t think my brother would have spoken his mind so in a way I am responsible for this fight.
The wife does have a point though that since they are taking his last name and giving him our (late) father’s name as his middle name (something that she offered to do from the get-go without my brother asking) she should have a say in what the first name is.
I understand where she is coming from but I do feel that people are primarily known by their first name and so that’s the most important one they should agree on. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You’re not a jerk for agreeing with him.
And your brother isn’t a jerk for speaking his mind. And, well, it’s very difficult for me to call a pregnant woman excited about a baby name a jerk. Though, I also agree that your brother should get a say in the kid’s name. In no way did you start the fight, especially not just by agreeing with him.
Ultimately, people make decisions on their own. I dunno what to tell you, man… this also isn’t really your conflict. Bro-bro is gonna have to figure out where he stands on his own and which battles are worth fighting for. He’s gonna be saying this name for a long time.
Really wanna know what this name is considering you seem to stress feminine people like it while presumably masculine people don’t…” consolelog_a11y
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ, but that’s not really the issue here. You’re totally justified in supporting your brother, telling him you agree with him about this issue.
It’s on him whether he chooses to share that with his wife. His wife being mad at you, even if it is for an extended period of time, is just a sideshow to the true problem. At the end of the day, the fact that she is annoyed or mad at you is irrelevant to the real issue, which is how she and her husband make decisions and resolve conflicts in their marriage.
If I were your brother, I would be very concerned about that and want to know if (1) this is a unique issue or (2) the way she will try to resolve all disputes between them. Naming your child is a major step, of course, but what it potentially represents – a very flawed, non-inclusive decision-making process – is the real long-term worry.” CamBCL
4. AITJ For Not Wearing What My Mom Wants Me To Wear?
“I’m 16 and my mom likes dressing me and my three other siblings in matching clothes and colors but now I want more freedom.
For example, some weeks ago she wanted me to wear a dress I’ve always said I don’t like cause it doesn’t look good on me.
But her mentality is that if she likes it on me, I have to wear it (I’m convinced this is where 90% of my self-esteem issues started). Trying to convince me to wear the dress she asks my sisters if the dress is pretty. From experience, they know if they say anything but yes, she’ll get angry with them and accuse us of ganging up against her.
So their ‘opinion’ meant little to me. She’s been doing this for years, and I finally got fed up and said I’m not wearing the ugly dress and that I’m not her doll that she can dress up.
I admit I may have taken it too far with that comment, but then she started yelling at me and said I was being disrespectful.
She insisted that I have to listen to what she says because she’s the parent, and if I don’t appreciate what she’s done for me, she can leave me and walk out of my life because I stress her out too much.
I get it my mom has been under a lot of stress since my dad left. She wasn’t working when he left so it’s been really hard. I try to be considerate and give my mom an easy time but this has been something that has been happening for a long time and I was done.
I tried to explain that wanting control over something as simple as clothing is not being disrespectful and that if I did disrespect her, I was sorry. However, she continued to criticize me, saying I looked bad and scoffing whenever she looked at me. She claimed that because of my behavior, my younger siblings (6F and 11F) were following me and refusing to wear what she chose for them.
I started crying because I was upset, and felt guilty, so I wore the dress she wanted me to wear. When I talked to her about it, she said that I decided to wear the dress, so I shouldn’t be mad at her. However, she also promised that she would no longer meddle in my clothing choices.
You have to understand that I have no problem matching with my siblings, so I usually ask what colors they’ll be wearing and choose an outfit accordingly. I don’t even mind when she gives me input or outfit ideas. It’s only when she forces me to wear something I don’t like or feel comfortable in that there’s a problem.
A couple of weeks later (today), she told me she had no colors in mind and to choose anything. But when I chose my outfit, she told me I had to wear a different dress because she’d changed her mind and wanted us to match.
I was upset cause I was wearing an outfit I liked.
The taxi was arriving in 10 minutes, so I said it was okay if we didn’t match for one day. But she said if I didn’t match, I couldn’t go. I stood my ground and said I was not changing, so she told the taxi to leave without me.
I’m sitting at home right now and I feel like I overreacted.
AITJ for not listening to my mom?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your mom is respectfully not mentally well if she throws a tantrum over you refusing to match with your young siblings.
You’re 16, so I’ll tell you this. Setting boundaries with people can be very uncomfortable sometimes, to the point where you may think things like ‘Am I overreacting’ or ‘Am I in the wrong’. That’s unfortunately part of putting your foot down. That does not mean you should ever relent and eventually do what the other party wants you to do, because then you’ll just be people-pleasing (and that’s hard to unlearn).
Tell her you will choose your own clothes. If she throws a tantrum, disengage. Walk away, and let her cry about it, she will eventually get over it. Or she may be bitter, but choosing your clothes (controlling you) is not something you should allow her to do forever.
You got this!” Fourletterflower
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom is trying to control the one thing that she thinks she can control: you and your sisters. Since you’re a teen, it’s only logical that you want to exert more control over what you wear; that is part of growing up and becoming an adult.
But your mom seems not to want to hear it.
Your younger sisters do not need your example to rebel. It’s only a matter of time before they, too, become teens and start to rebel against your mother’s need to control their lives. Your mom is engaging in emotional blackmail when she says stuff like that.
I’d recommend some sort of family counseling to help her understand that she needs to trust your choices and start letting go of you.
Whether she likes it or not, you will move on with your life. How she treats you now, as you make that transition, will go a long way toward determining the quality of her relationship with you when you’re an adult.
Good luck to both of you.” Individual_Ad_9213
3. AITJ For Throwing Away Someone's Coffee?
“I was at Barnes and Noble and went to the fantasy section of the store. A young couple is looking at the books down the aisle. There is a 2/3’s full Starbucks coffee sitting on the shelf ~10 feet away from them. I walk around to the Sci-fi section since it’s empty for the time being.
After a small amount of time, ~5 minutes, I circle the shelf and am back to the fantasy section. The couple is further away from the coffee, they aren’t carrying anything, and the cup itself hasn’t changed position. I assumed the coffee wasn’t theirs, so I decided to throw it away.
When I grabbed it, it was still chilled with ice in it. It was at this point that I should have asked them if the coffee was theirs since it was a pretty fresh iced coffee. However, what I actually did was carry the coffee to a trash can and throw it out.
Immediately the couple was upset with me. They said I can’t just throw away people’s stuff like that. I responded by saying they weren’t anywhere near it and I thought it was trash that was left there. They asked if I worked there, I said no, and they responded with ‘Then it’s none of your business.’ I went to peruse the books.
I heard one say it was $9 and to buy them a new one, but I shrugged and tried to ignore them. I don’t handle conflict well, so I just shut them out. They walked away shortly after.
Other people I’ve told have said I was justified. Looking back, I wish I had asked them if it was theirs.
I’m still working on my communication skills, but I understand that was a mistake on my part. That said, what do you guys think about the situation? Am I just an idiot for not asking them about the coffee, or am I a jerk for not buying them a replacement?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You know you made a mistake throwing away the cup, so I’m not going to address that. You want to know if you’re the jerk for not apologizing or buying them a new cup. Normally, I’d say you are the jerk, but in this case, these people left the cup in a place where it could have easily damaged other people’s property (the books).
It would have been polite to apologize, but you aren’t a jerk for not doing so. You didn’t owe them a new cup since they left theirs in a place where it could’ve damaged the books. If you bought a new one, they’d probably put it on another shelf.” LavishnessThat232
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Throwing away someone else’s stuff always makes you a jerk. If you worked there and told them not to put coffee cups on the shelves, that would be one thing. If you spoke to someone who did work there and pointed it out, fair enough.
If it was in your way, you could have moved it or asked them if it was theirs. You’re spending a lot of words there justifying what you did, so I think you know perfectly well what you are. Also, what kind of idiot leaves their coffee on a shelf in a bookstore?
Everyone sucks here.” Fit-Confusion-4595
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They should have carried their coffee with them. Leaving it on a bookshelf is irresponsible, as it could have been knocked down, stolen, spit in, etc. That’s on them. They were also feet away from their coffee and didn’t notice you throwing it away.
That is their problem and their lack of responsibility. It’s their coffee, they should have held onto it or left it on a table nearby. I don’t think you made a mistake throwing the cup away. They were 10 feet away from it, so presumably, it’s trash.
They didn’t care enough about their own cup to keep it near them. You were doing the polite thing by trying to keep the store clean. They were probably littering. I bet if you didn’t throw the cup away, it would have still been sitting there!” _Tlachtga_
2. AITJ For Refusing To Pay For My Friend's Fiance's Mistakes?
“My friend M and I have been close for 17 years.
M’s fiancé S chose to switch careers and become an electrician, so when we were at an event together they said ‘that if we have a future project at home we should let them know as he could really use the experience’.
My husband and I just happened to be in the middle of a bigger renovation, so we talked about it and said that we might as well hire him as our money would go to them.
He gave us an offer which sounded a bit expensive, but we didn’t really know how much the cost usually is and we wanted to hire him.
Turns out that his hourly salary was almost twice the amount as the other (experienced) workers charged, but we were helping friends and we did accept the offer ourselves, so we shrugged it off.
He made a lot of mistakes and he ruined some of the other workers’ progress which meant we had to pay them extra to compensate, but we never mentioned anything.
Two of our rooms don’t have functional switches now, but we agreed to hire S whom we knew was new at his job so that is on our shoulders. He then accidentally drilled a big hole in one wall and another into a water pipe so the plumber had to come to fix it.
He apologized and said that he would pay for the plumber and we told him no worries. We just assumed that he would fix his mistakes so there was no need to get upset.
Two weeks later, he came again and I talked to S about the price of the plumber.
I got the feeling that he wasn’t going to fix nor pay to have the two big holes fixed, but since all the practical conversations have been through my husband and S I just told my husband that he should maybe talk to S about it.
My husband called him and as I feared S didn’t want to pay or fix it himself, but they had a short discussion and he ended up saying that he could pay for it.
A couple of days after I was meeting with my friend group, but M wrote in the group chat that she wasn’t coming.
I asked her if we were okay, and she answered that she needed a break from me. I was very surprised and asked to talk, and we did. She didn’t think that S should pay for the holes and said that it was our responsibility to tell him about any pipes in the walls (which we never heard of).
I told her that we believe we have paid more than a fair amount to S, and that it’s his responsibility to fix the damage he causes. I said a lot that I didn’t think this was about me and M since we hired S to do a job, but she disagreed.
Afterward, she wrote me that I could send the bill to her but they were uninviting us from their wedding, and wouldn’t answer me after. Our other friends tried talking to her and telling her to talk to me but she refused. I also proposed for all four of us to meet and talk it through.
I offered her to pay the bill to save our relationship but she hasn’t answered me nor paid, so we actually ended up paying.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You hired him in good faith, expecting him to do his best and take responsibility for his mistakes.
It’s completely unreasonable for him to refuse to fix or pay for the damage he caused, and your friend is enabling his unprofessional behavior. You’ve shown a lot of patience and kindness, and it’s unfair for them to take advantage of that.
As a professional, he should have been aware of the potential hazards and taken necessary precautions to avoid damaging your property.
It’s truly unfortunate that your friend has chosen to end your friendship over this situation, but that’s her decision to make. You’ve done everything you could to resolve the issue and save the relationship. It’s not your fault that she’s unwilling to see reason. Don’t feel guilty for standing up for what’s right.
You have every right to expect professionalism and accountability from someone you’ve hired, regardless of your personal relationship with them.” SummerGalee
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but also yes YTJ… NTJ for expecting him to pay. And depending on where you are, you can just refuse to pay him.
IF he doesn’t have his own contractor license (which is likely because you have to spend at least a year under someone before you can get licensed, again depends on what country/state you are in), you can refuse to pay him even after he finishes because it’s illegal in many places to do electrical work without a contractor’s license (as in the US).
Otherwise, YTJ and you should consider this situation as a tax on stupidity as they say. Of all things to let an unskilled untrained person do on your house, electrical work SHOULD NOT BE ONE OF THEM.” gloryhokinetic
1. AITJ For Not Wanting To Babysit My Stepson Every Saturday?
“I (25F) and my partner (28M) have been together for almost a year, living together for 3 months. We have a nice house that we rent, we both work (40 hours for me, 50-60 hours for him), and I now have a job where I get Saturdays and Sundays off.
I make a decent income and so does he. We both have kids from past relationships.
My daughter is 21 months old and his son is 3 and a half. We had discussed in the past what each person’s obligations would be before moving in together.
I do most of the chores (laundry, dishes, etc) and he pays a larger amount on the bills. Part of that deal was that with the job I had previously, he would watch my daughter for me on Tuesdays and Fridays when I worked nights (I had to work Saturdays so my parents took my daughter every weekend).
We have his son week on and week off. He did that till I got my new job a little over a month ago so really only had to watch them by himself for 2 months 2 days a week.
Typically my partner’s mom watches his son on Saturdays when he works (usually mandatory overtime most weeks) from 5 am to 3 pm then they usually have lunch at her house and he brings him back home afterward.
Since I have my new job and don’t work weekends anymore, his mom believes it should be my responsibility to watch his son instead. She thinks it’s ‘not right’ that I don’t do it.
I wasn’t asked to this weekend, and in the past when I’ve had to watch both children together by myself (only a few times due to emergencies), it’s incredibly stressful for me.
I also get both children up in the morning and take them to their babysitter before going to work (which was discussed and I have no problem with). His son is autistic, nonverbal, and very strong. Don’t get me wrong he’s a wonderful kid and I’m fine with watching him and my daughter whenever needed.
I just personally don’t think it should be my responsibility to take on that role on one of my only days off. I have sole custody of my daughter so I’m pretty much never child-free unless my parents take her for a weekend (which they typically do on the weeks we don’t have his son) or I’m at work.
Due to holiday activities, I’ve had my daughter for the past 3 weekends and haven’t had a child-free break in almost a month. Am I the jerk for not wanting to watch him every Saturday we have him? I know I signed up to be a parent and step-parent, I just am not sure how to feel and could use advice.”
Another User Comments:
“So, it is a little confusing. Forget the past… what is the arrangement now? Are you expecting your partner to watch your daughter at all? If so, a reasonable expectation is for you to watch his son for a similar amount of time.
What you need to realize is g’ma is probably done with being a free nanny to a non-verbal autistic kid who is getting stronger. Society makes it challenging for people to admit that, so she is pawning him off on you. That is the fact of being in a blended relationship that you need to work on with your partner.
Either he cuts overtime down to watch his child, you agree to put forth more effort, or you guys separate. As it stands now, I am going with ‘no jerks here’, but you may be if you refuse to contribute equitably in this.” livelife3574
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, because it has only been two months and things seem to have already changed. Circumstances change and can often evolve through the course of a long-term, romantic relationship where children are involved. As your partner’s son ages, his behavior may change (like any other child) – for better or worse.
It is also extremely likely that you will have to participate in this boy’s upbringing as he gets older, including caring for him in his father’s absence, whether you like it or not.
How long will Grandma be around to care for your partner’s son?
You need to understand what his care entails, as it evolves, beyond what you typically expect for a child of his age. If you are unprepared or unwilling to do that, it’s time to end the relationship because being a partner means just that and you both seem unwilling to actually do that.” BonusMomSays
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