People Seek Help In Categorizing Themselves In Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories

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It's common advice to not place too much faith in individuals right away.  But it is true. You won't always be able to tell who is a true friend in an instant. You must spend a lot of time with someone and get to know them well before determining whether or not they are trustworthy. If not, you can find it challenging to put your faith in them once more, or, worse, you might feel compelled to be untrustworthy toward them in order to safeguard yourself. This might be the case for those who want to share their stories so that we can decide whether or not we think they're the evil ones. Let us know who you think is the real jerk as you read on. AITJ = Am I the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk WIBTJ = Would I be the jerk? YTJ = You're the jerk

18. AITJ For Not Moving Back In With My Dad?

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“I and my twin win are both 17M, my dad is 58 and his mom is 83.

My parents got divorced when I was 13 and I first lived with my dad for 3 years and it was horrible. He worked night shifts at a job he hated so I was alone during the day.

He would often come home late and night and drink and end up getting very angry and yelling at me, blaming me for the divorce and just many bad things. because of this I ended up becoming depressed and we got into a more huge arguments about me being ‘lazy’ and I moved back with my mom last year.

It’s been much better especially in my mental health. We still talk regularly but we are not as close.

My father called us saying he had something serious to ask us. He explained that his mother was diagnosed with dementia 6 months ago and he had just found out now from her current husband (88).

He couldn’t take care of her so she went to go to a Senior Care Facility and that’s where she’s been for the last 6 months. Her current husband said that the monthly payment is 3,500$ for her to live there and he’s been selling things they own so he can afford it.

My dad heard this and contacted his mother. She wasn’t doing amazing and claimed to hate living there and described it as a prison. He also said she seemed like she was still about 70% cognitive though could tell the dementia was there.

He then proposed the idea of having her just move in with him until she passes. (We live on the west coast and they live in the midwest).

In order to do that though is where I and my brother come into play.

My father is single, living by himself, and works 10 Hour shifts and would need someone at home to watch her when he’s away. He then asked if we would move in for this reason. My brother immediately declined as he remembered what it was like living with him and then he turned to me and I also declined.

Obviously, I felt horrible but we are about to go to college as we’re seniors in high school right now plus I’ve only met my grandmother 1 time and haven’t spoken to her in over 7-8 years. My father then explodes with rage saying how selfish we’re being letting our grandmother rot away in a facility.

I just don’t want to experience what it was like to live with him again and I’m gonna be busy with my own life.

So AITJ for not moving in with my father for the sole purpose of helping take care of his mom with dementia?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – but your father is.

This is a VERY big ask for a 17-year-old.

Dementia requires so much care. No, you will not have time to study, go to college & be with friends if you do this – being someone else’s caretaker will consume your entire life, & from what you have mentioned above, your father works so much, you will be 100% responsible.

You are too young for this massive responsibility! Your father is selfish for even asking his 17-year-old sons!” JLoz85

Another User Comments:

“NTJ! OMG, so very much you are not the jerk here. This type of caregiving is brutally hard and you absolutely do not have the skills for it, nor are you mature enough to deal with it.

And under NO circumstances whatsoever should you have been asked to do it. Your grandmother is where she needs to be and if your dad wants to take her out of that environment, that’s his problem to deal with. You are just starting your life, not even a legal adult – you DO NOT owe anyone to put yourself into this situation.

If your dad keeps pushing this, I can only recommend that you block him and go no contact. PLEASE!” Dipping_My_Toes

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

You’re 17-year-old children. You’re in no way or form suitable carers for your ailing grandmother. Firstly, you have zero experience and education to do it.

Secondly, you don’t have the mental and physical capacity to do it. You’d have to quit school because that would be a full-time job.

Don’t feel bad turning this down. Your father is completely out of order even thinking this, and then guilt-tripping and manipulating you to give in. Fill in your mother and have her put a full stop to this immediately.” Cocoasneeze

4 points - Liked by joha2, IDontKnow, LizzieTX and 1 more
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LizzieTX 10 months ago
Under NO circumstances should you and your brother be caregivers for your grandmother. Caring for a dementia patient is difficult for experienced medical caregivers, and no doctor on the planet would allow two untrained teenagers to even try. The result could easily be injury to both of you and/or your grandmother, or worse.
Your father is an idiot for even suggesting such a thing. He's just trying to save some money so there's something left for him to inherit when she's gone.
If he brings it up again, tell him you'll call CPS out to talk to him and make him see sense. Until then, go live with your mom.
3 Reply

17. AITJ For Not Tolerating My Future Step-Siblings?

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“My mom is engaged to her partner of 5 months, meaning he’ll be my future step dad and his 3 kids will be my future step-siblings.

His two youngest kids have always shared a room and my mom wants to give them my room cause it’s bigger and can fit them, the thing is, I like my room.

I don’t want to give my room to these two kids I have only met once. I do not know these two kids and I want to keep my room to myself, especially during this time of me trying to just keep calm after a loss in the family.

But she is trying to move her partner’s kids in right away before they get married and Is trying to place me in the basement room, and I don’t like the basement, it has mold and is always cold, mice live there.

If she is so eager for them to come, put the kids there. I barely know her partner or his kids, I honestly think their relationship is going too quickly when she was just originally emotional support when his wife had an affair.

I feel uncomfortable with him, my mother has a type of going after mean and bad men. And I don’t trust him, her partner has not tried to talk to me or get to know me and now he is even trying to convince me to move into the basement and I won’t have barely any room in the basement, I would be downsizing to a smaller room where my insect shelf will be forced into the closet and I won’t have room to have a place to safely have my corn snake enclosure.

I am still living with her cause I am a minor and in high school, I work a lot and make my own money and even pay for my phone bill and food half the time, this isn’t a fair thing I think to just force me to give up the room I’ve had since I was 12 and we moved into this house, I don’t get her reasoning at all.

By the sounds of it, they’ll spend half the time at their moms too. I know this sounds rash and bratty but I am just so upset about this. It’s so sudden and she wants to start moving me down into the basement this weekend and I haven’t said yes to it.

I just won’t have enough proper space to safely keep my pets.

EDIT & UPDATE: My mother used to date this guy when they were in high school but my dad (he ain’t in the picture) swept her away so now years later they are together again.

But the weirdest thing is, is that this dude also looks so uncanny like my father it’s also uncomfortable. I’ve met his kids once and they were nice but little jerks who need some therapy. My mother very seriously thinks he is the one and says they’ll fix up the basement for me to live in.

Black mold repair is a very costly and time-consuming thing, especially in a house that has a compromised foundation that floods when it rains too much. And fixing the plumbing leak on why we also got the mold would be also very expensive, and fixing the downstairs bathroom would also be another serious expense.

That which my mother does not have the money

The lowest cost for repairs for the basement I have searched for is mind-blowing. The lowest black mold repair is 1,300$ Lowest plumage leak repair is 500$ Lowest foundation price repair is 15K

Which my mother nor I even have that money.

And on top of that, she spends her money on her partner and his kids a lot. She spends all the time with his kids and has not at all invited me to do this ‘family’ fun with them. She’s treating these kids who I barely know more like they’re hers and she is only with their dad for 5 months.

It’s just crazy. I am also being forced to buy these kids Christmas gifts.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Try to have a sit down with your mom and talk with her explaining what you said here. Let her know that you really need that space because it’s familiar and you can consider it your safe space and you really need it in this time of transition.

Suggest to your mom that maybe They should wait until both of them can afford a slightly bigger place… They probably won’t but maybe your mom will take the hint.

Also, if your mom has a history of being in relationships that are even slightly abusive? You May want to look up resources for yourself for places that can help you as an individual and a safe place.” Antique_Radish8823

Another User Comments:

“NTJ…

Tell her she can give his kids her own bedroom and the two of them can move into the basement. She is the one who decided to bring four people into the house, so it would be fairest if they both sacrifice themselves for the benefit of all children involved.

Also, tell her you will report her to CPS if she doesn’t drop her plans to move you there against your wishes. Start saving as much money as you can for a quick exit when the time comes.” Prior_You5142

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

Your mom should understand that she is making choices for her life and they impact you, but you have no say. It’s important that when those changes happen you have something consistent. Your room would be a comfortable place to process all the changes or hide away if needed. I think it’s especially ridiculous if you’re there full-time and they are only half the time. Good luck… but def NTJ.” CuriousLinds

3 points - Liked by IDontKnow, kahi and OpenFlower
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CG1 10 months ago
CALL CPS NOW !! BLACK MOLD IS VERY DANGEROUS!!
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16. AITJ For Refusing To Share Food With My Partner?

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“My partner and I have been together for about 4 years and we’re both in our mid-20s. We live together and generally get along well, but there’s one issue that’s been causing some tension between us lately.

The issue is that my partner always wants to share my food with her.

I don’t have a problem with sharing in general, but I feel like she takes it to an extreme. For example, if I’m eating a sandwich for lunch, she’ll ask for a bite and then end up taking half of it.

If I have a snack, she’ll finish it off without asking. And if I’m cooking dinner, she’ll just help herself to whatever I’m making without even asking if I want to share.

I’ve tried talking to her about it, but she just says that she doesn’t see the problem and that sharing is natural in a relationship.

I don’t want to be selfish, but at the same time I feel like my food should be my own.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ in general. If your having a sandwich or your own food it’s super rude to take stuff without asking and the fact she’s ignoring those boundaries is a red flag.

The only exception here is when you’re cooking. If you live together it really depends on your own expectations and boundaries, but typically in a long-term relationship when someone is cooking you always offer to cook for 2. It’s just common courtesy in a relationship and that’s the only case here where generally you’d be a jerk for not offering.

But, and big but, that’s also two-sided. If she never automatically cooks enough for you then you shouldn’t either. But if she always cooks enough for you and you’re only taking issue when you cook you’re a jerk for that part.

But taking the food you’re actually eating off your plate, NTJ. Put your foot down on it. It’s cute if people want to share. It’s gross and rude if they’re demanding it.” BabyCake2004

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

It’s concerning that she feels that you must share your food with her.

But that might be my issue of no one touching my food without being invited to. Otherwise, they get forked.

Though, maybe as a stop-gap, and possibly a reason why she’s doing this in the first place, have a conversation as to why she is unwilling to cook/make her own food.

That you feel like she only wants you to cook.

There may be a larger issue underneath that she’s trying to gloss over. Maybe she doesn’t know to make the things you do. Maybe she has an issue realizing she’s hungry. She may have a problematic relationship with food you didn’t know about prior.

If she doesn’t want to talk about it, please don’t fall into the trap of only cooking for you both without some reciprocation.” JustXampl

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. It’s thoroughly annoying when people steal your food like that. It’s not ‘sharing’ – it’s just rude when it’s on a constant basis and without one person’s willingness.

We all put the amount of food on the plate, that we want/need to eat. So it’s infuriating if you constantly have to either go hungry or start cooking/preparing food again. When the food you were about to enjoy, is constantly taken like that.

It’s also obnoxiously clingy and ‘enmeshed’. It’s normal and healthy to have some things separate in relationships (like plates of food). But partners like OP’s partner apparently can’t stand normal boundaries like that – she has to be so ‘close’ to him, they even have to share food in this way.

She’s the sort of annoying partner who would want to share toothbrushes, insist on taking a dump right next to him (whilst he’s in the bathroom doing something else), etc. But being intimate doesn’t mean you can’t have SOME healthy boundaries with each other. You CAN act like two separate people, rather than one completely ‘joined’ person.” NoSurprise82

3 points - Liked by IDontKnow, Sheishei101 and OpenFlower
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Squidmom 10 months ago
NTJ. Tell her to ask or it's stealing and you don't date a thief. Maybe she'll understand then. If she doesn't, a fork to the hand works well too. My bf (of 10 years) and my sons (9 n 15) don't even take food off of my plate without asking. Wasn't she taught manners? Couples don't share everything.
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15. AITJ For Not Allowing My Daughter To Bring A Friend To Her Brother's Birthday Trip?

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“My stepson is turning fourteen in January, and he wants to go skiing. My daughter (10), wife, and other stepson (8) will also be there. Since it’s 14’s birthday, he gets to bring a friend with him. My daughter wants to bring a friend as well, but we said no because it isn’t her birthday.

My daughter is upset and says this is unfair and that she will have no one to hang out with on the trip. She can hang out with the younger boy, but she doesn’t want to. That’s fine, she doesn’t have to.

Skiing is fun on its own. Plus I’ll be there, and we’ll do fun dad & daughter things.

I asked my daughter how she would feel if it was her birthday and her stepbrothers got to invite their friends, so the event wasn’t really about her anymore.

She said that was different because if it was her birthday the two boys could hang out with each other. They’re almost six years apart so that comparison is iffy to me. In the end, I told her no, and she was free to continue sharing her feelings with me, and I’ll listen, but we’re not inviting another kid ($$$) on the trip.

Well, she complained to her mom, who called me up and told me I was being horrid to our daughter. She said if I was going to be like that then she would pick my daughter up the day before our trip and take her and a friend somewhere.

I said she was welcome to do that but to consider the lesson that teaches our daughter. She called me an ass and said she’ll get our daughter, just give her the dates.

I asked my daughter if she wants to go with her mom because I am not going to cancel the ticket if she still wants to go.

She started crying and said I didn’t want her there. I feel like I’ve made a mess of everything. Was I a jerk to my daughter?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

It’s your son’s birthday so yes he gets a friend to bring along. I would tell her on her birthday, she can bring a friend along.

Try to explain to her that her mother offered to take her and a friend out somewhere else if she doesn’t want to go to the ski weekend. But make sure you explain you really want her there and tell her the activities you want to do together so she can see you have things planned for the two of you.” WickedAngelLove

Another User Comments:

“To be honest, everyone sucks here.

You were right that it’s not her birthday so she doesn’t get to bring a friend along, but does she normally play/get along with your youngest stepson? Or is it they/she are forced together as they are closer in age than 14? I don’t think canceling her ticket is the way to go, cos she might not even want to go skiing, but wants the time with you.

Hence you don’t even want me there comment. She might just be being spoiled, but she might be feeling pushed aside. Just something to consider.

Your ex has no say. She isn’t paying for the trip and I get her wanting to support your daughter, but telling her she can do XYZ with her when she doesn’t get her own way with you isn’t good parenting and will cause problems for both of you down the line when she either can’t afford to do XYZ or doesn’t think the situation warrants it.

She is being 10. She’s in that weird age where she isn’t a child no more but not quite a preteen. She doesn’t want to hang around boys. And as a girl, with 2 brothers and 2 step brothers, I totally get why she wants a friend there, even if to everyone else it comes across as unreasonable and spoiled.

She doesn’t understand the financial cost of a ski trip either.” HunterDangerous1366

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Remind your daughter she was wanted on the trip and that it was she who was trying to change the circumstances. She may not invite a friend on the trip, just as stepson 8 may not as well.

That it wasn’t your idea for her mother to pick her up a day before and go do other activities, but you are trying to give her options since she seems to be so unhappy about the trip.

Note how stepson 8 doesn’t have that option.

She doesn’t have to go with her mother if she doesn’t want to and she can still come on the skiing trip with everyone. But she needs to have a think about it and come up with an answer as once she tells you she would prefer to go with her mother, you will cancel the ticket so as not to waste money and then she won’t be able to change her mind about it after it occurs.” gemma156

2 points - Liked by IDontKnow and Sheishei101
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rbleah 10 months ago
Tell her what her mother said and ask again if she wants to go with you or not. YOU ARE NOT THE JERK
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14. AITJ For Not Going To My Half-Sibling's Wedding?

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“I am (23f) and I have 3 older siblings from my dad’s prior relationship. Greg (30 M), Tiffany (29 F), and Sara (32 f). Growing up I knew of my half-siblings but didn’t meet them til I was 18.

My half-sibling’s mom didn’t want her kids to meet me.

So we didn’t meet til I was much older. I don’t have the best relationship with them and don’t talk to them much or really at all. My older siblings partially blame me for their parents splitting up. Their mom also blames me for her divorce.

Tiffany recently got married and invited me to the wedding. She said it was an olive branch and a way to get to know me better. I didn’t feel comfortable going because the older siblings and their mom were going to be there.

Along with their mom’s family.

I don’t get along very well with them so I decided to not go and make up an excuse as to why I couldn’t go and sent a gift.

Tiffany got really upset and texted me asking why I didn’t come saying she missed me and wanted me to be there.

Greg, Sara, and their mom spammed my phone and social media calling me a witch, selfish, a jerk, and rude.

I feel horrible now. My mom and dad stand by me but I still feel so awful. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You sent a gift, so Tiffany should know it’s not that you don’t care about her at all.

In your shoes I would tell her the truth: you didn’t want to go because you didn’t want to ruin her wedding by upsetting her mom & other siblings with your presence. Throw them under the bus by sending Tiffany screenshots of every abusive thing they’ve said to you.

‘I figured this sort of thing would happen if I went or if I didn’t, & although I am sorry if you feel like I let you down, I care about you enough that I didn’t want to disrupt one of the most important days of your life.'” Far_Anteater_256

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

Your step-siblings and their mother blamed you, an innocent child, for the divorce of two adults.

The blame lies with your father, your mother, and their mother. Not you. So why should you WANT to have a relationship with people you didn’t even meet until you were 18 and blame you for something that is not your fault? Just because you share half the blood the same does not make you family.

And now, as an adult, you are allowed to decide if you want to be a part of that family or not. It’s your choice and there is no right or wrong answer. There is just your answer.

In all rights, these people are total strangers to you.

A stranger invited you to a wedding, where you know people who hate you will be, so you nicely refused and even had the unnecessary courtesy to send a gift. You did everything right.” CatAndDogLady

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Tell Tiffany the real reason you gave a small excuse and didn’t attend, you didn’t feel safe around the other stepsiblings and their mum.

The fact they couldn’t control themselves and sent you multiple cases of verbal mistreatment through texts and your social media confirms your choice was the right one. That they hold you responsible for something that occurred without your involvement is unstable and you don’t want them to interact with you. After receiving some very nasty messages you are deciding whether or not to make a formal complaint of harassment.” gemma156

2 points - Liked by IDontKnow and Sheishei101
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rbleah 10 months ago (Edited)
NTJ You are not close to ANY OF THEM. Why in the world would you go? Why in the world would they EXPECT you to go? Just to get closer to them? NO not going to happen at a wedding. There is NO TIME to talk much to the bride and why would you put yourself through all the crap from the rest of THAT FAMILY? They blame YOU for something that had NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. That was between your father, his wife and your mother. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY and DON'T TRUST THEM PLEASE
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13. AITJ For Yelling At My Husband For Not Controlling My In-Laws?

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“Both me (37F) and my husband (40M) work from home. He works in the basement and I work in an upstairs converted office. I also have a daughter (17F) from a previous relationship who lives with us full-time.

Anyways, last Thursday, my Husband told me that his brother (36M), brother’s wife (36F), and nephews (11and7M) would be coming over on what is now today.

I immediately told him God no, as today was my biggest annual meeting with one of our biggest clients, who is a local chain of retailers. I am the associate director of the partnership between our companies and so I would have to help give a presentation.

However, he kept telling me that they had just told him they were coming over. I finally relented but told him that the kids would need to be quiet and could not be upstairs.

Anyways, today swings around and I go to get ready.

My daughter locks her room so that the kids can’t get in. Inside, she has a gaming setup worth over $2000 of gifts and stuff she has saved up from waitresses. I also locked my doors after I got my lunch.

At about 1, they arrived over. I was in the middle of my meeting at this point. While about 20 minutes later I hear 2 steps of small footsteps run up the stairs. They immediately start trying to get into my daughter’s room (which is right next to my office).

I immediately started texting and calling my husband but he didn’t respond. About 5 minutes later, I excused myself to the restroom, just as the kids went into my daughter’s room. I kicked them downstairs and told them not to come back.

A little later, after I got back to my meeting I could hear the kids screaming from downstairs. Again, I text my husband and nothing happens. It stayed that way until 4:45 when my meeting was finished. I then went down to my husband’s office and just let loose.

Among other things I called him a ‘little sissy’. I then grabbed my daughter and took her to my parents’ house where I will be staying the night. I honestly feel as if I am on the edge of divorce.

Edit: I am going to sleep for the night.

Tomorrow morning I am gonna get my laptop from the house. Will check in on her setup and all my other stuff. I am gonna stay at my parents’ house for a few days. I am definitely gonna talk to therapists and reflect.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

You said no, but your husband refused to accept that.

Then you relented and gave boundaries on what you expect while they visit. But as soon as they came not only did they not respect those boundaries, the kids forcefully unlocked your daughter’s locked room with a coin and then screamed and cried a lot when they got caught by you when you’re supposed to be part of an important work meeting that can’t afford to be interrupted.

While all this was happening your husband completely ignored all your communications when he’s the one that insisted on them coming over, and his brother and bro’s wife for some reason DID NOT stop the kids from screaming and barging in when they were also supposedly there – moving furniture or something? Where and what the heck were they doing then, and why couldn’t it have been postponed to a non-work day and time?

If this is a constant thing I can see why you called him a sissy and want a divorce or be away from him.” CptnKitten

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

And I am glad to see you reflecting on the future of the relationship because that was really awful of him.

And although there could be many different reasons for him disrespecting you like this, be aware that interfering with their partner’s work is something a lot of people do, either consciously or subconsciously.

Some people want to have power and control over their partner and have their partner’s world revolve around their needs and desires. A good job is a rival for their partner’s time and attention. A good job also means independence and options, which some don’t like their partners to have.” balitoridae

Another User Comments:

“NTJ but the hubby and in-laws definitely are.

First, your husband knew that you had an important work thing to tend to. If he really wanted to see his family, he should have made arrangements to meet them somewhere. That way, you’d have the peace and quiet you needed and the security your daughter needed.

Second, the in-laws should have controlled their child. The boy was old enough to know better than to go running around someone else’s house messing with their property. Third, for the in-laws to just invite themselves over seems rude to me.

Unless your husband encouraged them to stop by when they called.

While I prefer not to name-call, I totally get why you were mad. I would have been livid had it been me. I applaud you for taking a break away from your husband to cool down. I hope you two are able to work things out so this type of incident won’t be repeated.” Additional-Dress3503

2 points - Liked by IDontKnow and LizzieTX
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Squidmom 10 months ago
Why wasn't he working? Sounds like he's trying to get you fired.
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12. AITJ For Double-Checking My Partner's Cultural Customs With Someone Else?

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“I’ve been with my partner for about 3 months now and she recently invited me to spend the holidays with her family.

I can see us getting serious so this seemed like a great next step in our relationship except for one weird (in my opinion) thing she sprung on me: I was excepted to buy all of the women in her family gold or sterling silver jewelry as a gift.

She said it was a cultural custom and I’d be expected to honor it or I’d look really rude. I had literally never heard of this before so I asked if this was just a family custom, and she said no.

It was cultural.

It seemed really specific (and honestly expensive) so I asked around other friends and colleagues from the same background (I live in a diverse area), and they were all baffled as well.

I brought it up again and told her what others said and she blew up saying that I was purposefully trying to embarrass her and that she could no longer trust to share parts of her culture with me.

I feel horrible for making her cry, but I still feel weird about it. Was I the jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. If it had been something like taking your shoes off when you enter the home, respecting prayer time, or wearing something conservative that would be one thing but she’s asking you to drop a bunch of money on gifts for strangers (even though you thought they may become more).

There’s nothing wrong with confirming an ask this large. You should always try to understand and learn about others’ backgrounds and cultures, especially your partners but that also doesn’t require you to take part in all of them. This doesn’t sound like a reasonable ask even if it is her family’s culture.

That being said I think she’s using you or putting you up to some weird test and her response when you confronted her is her gaslighting you.” Silver_Advantage8576

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

It is obvious she was lying to you. If you went around and asked others from her culture and they didn’t know anything about it, then she LIED to get you to buy expensive gifts for her and her family.

Which makes her sound like a gold digger. She is using you for your money.

You are only 3 months into a relationship and she is already lying. She got mad because you asked around and found out that she lied. You didn’t embarrass her, you caught her in a lie.

And now people know she is a gold digger because and a liar because you had to ask.

TRUST YOUR GUT ALWAYS.

This does not sit well for your future. It will only get worse from here. Think long and hard about what you want in the future and if a liar is part of that.” Whiskeygirl81

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, it seemed suspicious and you asked others in order to not be culturally insensitive.

Honestly, 3 months seem like way too short a time for me to meet someone’s extended family during the holidays. Well, I reckon it would be extended family as it’s the holiday. There’s nothing wrong with meeting a family member like a cousin if they’re friends and usually hang out or the parents if they still live at home and you pick your SO up from there.

Those are normal. But meeting who knows how many people over holiday festivities, especially if it should be somewhere you have to travel to, seems too much after only 3 months. (And I am saying that as a German, where there are parents that take their 16-year-old teenagers SO’s along on holiday and know they’ll be sharing a room.)” CoffeeInThatNebula87

2 points - Liked by joha2 and IDontKnow
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Squidmom 10 months ago
Nope. I'm perry so I'd probably go buy some real cheap costume jewelry. She's a gold digger....sing it Ye. Lol
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11. AITJ For Blaming My Parents For My Half-Sisters Not Liking My Sister?

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“I (f21) have a sister, Amber (f17), and two half-sisters Jessica (f23) and Krystal (f21).

My parents have always tried to make our relationship with Jessica and Krystal impossible. Their mom is/was a model so we grew up hearing how she was a flirt and how the girls would probably be the same, how they are shallow and dumb for liking makeup and fashion or stupid for not speaking English well (they do speak it now).

During our childhood, they traveled quite a few times and our family would just not show up. Mind you, I think from Korea it’s like a 13-hour flight. We never visited, and we never learned their language so being with them was awkward, if they called, our parents wouldn’t pick up and would tell us to hang up the phone if it was them.

The few times they actually were with us, my parents would ignore them or be plain rude, something that always stood out to me is when Jessica got so sick she got dehydrated because my parents wouldn’t care for her. My sister Amber and I would be mean too tbh although we were children, Jessica and Krystal don’t see our family anymore.

They were always nice, they would share their stuff with us even when we were mean, and they made an effort with the language barrier. The few times I saw their mom she was really kind, they always got us both Christmas and birthday presents.

As I grew up I realized how messed up everything was and when I was 16 I reached out to them and we started talking. I apologized, I unlearned stuff and we now get along. They are like those girls you find in the bathroom at a club at night.

Super funny, super cute, super pretty, I adore them. They both have been there for me through my last break up, I have been there for both of them when a few stuff happened, and we get along well.

Recently our grandma passed away.

She is the only one that has always been nice to them and they actually came for the funeral (they were in the country so not much travel) there have been troubles with my parents, the inheritance, things I expected tbh but what surprised me was how upset Amber was at them being ‘rude’? They did say hi to everyone but mostly stayed together (or with me if no one was close) and talked only when talked to.

Apparently, that was rude of them and after the funeral when they left, Amber started cursing them and talking trash, it was SO annoying.

I ended up telling her that maybe they wouldn’t have been ‘rude’ if our parents had not put us against them and that she had to grow up and realize that already.

She got extremely upset that I insinuated that our parents did something wrong and mom and dad did too. If I was in low contact with them I guess I am in no contact now and Amber has only talked to me to insult me.

I feel like a jerk because I guess she’s too young to realize that and honestly, our parents have been good to us so I should have said nothing instead of making them look bad. I guess I am confused.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, sounds like you were just honest.

It’s hard for people to admit their opinions were wrong or based on how they were raised rather than their own experiences and logic. It’s even harder if that information is coming from someone else rather than how it was with you when you made the realization on your own.

If you’re able to speak to your sister about it again you should avoid blaming her or your parents and keep it focused on yourself, so that you realized your own preconceived ideas about them were wrong once you got to know them better.

They are your siblings, you both should have a relationship with them outside of your relationships with your parents. It’s very unfair and immature of your parents to keep that from you because of their experience with their mother. At the same time, you can’t force anyone to see the situation your way.” wtfcarl

Another User Comments:

“NTJ but your mom and ESPECIALLY your dad are absolutely horrible people.

The fact that he himself would treat them so awful when he clearly liked being with their mother enough to have two children with her. Your mom is probably jealous of their mom being a model and therefore pretty which makes her feel insecure.

But only a twisted person would take it out on children, especially neglecting them to the point one got sick!

Honestly, I’d let your sister grow up on her own time because I am sure she’ll eventually come to the same realization as you but I would totally rip your parents a new one and go no contact because no, your parents have not been good to you, they’ve manipulated you both and prevented you from having a relationship with your own sisters for absolutely no reason other than their hatred.” Ok_BiteMe

Another User Comments:

“Sounds like you had your moment of epiphany at 16, where you realized more than just how you treated your sisters – probably the issues regarding your own family unit, and that they had not had any resentment towards you in spite of what your birth did to their family unit.

Your sister hopefully will soon, Just be patient. You cannot force the issue – that will just burn bridges. Your older half-siblings probably understood that a long time ago.

Their character is more a reflection of how well they have been parented – you have noted that their mom is a kind person. You, on the other hand, could have had better role models. Actually, you do – your older siblings.

NTJ” Far_Opening2859

2 points - Liked by joha2 and IDontKnow
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10. AITJ For Kicking Out A Guest Who Scared My Daughter?

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“I am 53F and my daughter is 16F.

My daughter has had a very rough month. Her dad (she lives with him, he and I separated a long time ago) was discovered to have colon cancer and needed to get surgery, so she stayed with her partner’s family for a week.

Unfortunately, her SO’s house caught on fire and everything spiraled into her SO breaking up with her because her family thinks she did it. (She didn’t, I know every parent says this but she’s always been a super relaxed and introverted kid who hesitates to even kill bugs)

Because of all this, the only place she had left to stay was with me (the rest of our family hold a grudge against her because she was my daughter, so they refused to take her in).

I am not in the best situation right now. I live with two friends that I recently made amends with, I don’t have my own room or anything but any place to live is good. I’ve struggled with addiction my daughter’s whole life, and I made a lot of horrible mistakes to her, so we have a bit of a strained relationship, but I am really trying to be better.

When she came over I only asked two things of everyone else: Keep the place relatively quiet, my daughter has chronic nightmares and barely gets enough sleep, so she passes out during the day a lot, and don’t stick around the living room while she’s asleep, and by that I mean don’t just sit down and watch TV or something.

If she’s awake it’s okay (she told me herself).

I’ll keep the context for that second one brief, but my daughter has gone through way more than she should have in the past and is known to react extremely when people touch her unexpectedly or strangers are too close to her.

I’ll skip the unimportant stuff, but I heard yelling in the living room about a day in and ran to check. One of the men visiting was yelling at my daughter who looked scared out of her mind. I dragged him outside and a whole argument broke out.

What happened was he ‘apparently’ didn’t have a place to sit, so he sat next to my daughter who was sleeping on the couch. I am not sure I can mention this next part, but I’ll just say that she woke up, saw him there, and didn’t take it well.

I had EXPLICITLY told him not to do that beforehand, so I was mad, but he said that if she was going to be such a little jerk she shouldn’t even be staying over. I demanded he left, and my friends backed me up, but a few other people told me I was overreacting.

I don’t regret kicking him out but I do wonder if it was extreme.

Update: We’re currently staying in a hotel for the next week until her dad gets out of the hospital.

There are several reasons she can’t be alone at her own home.

Her school is far enough to where she would have to wake up stupidly early to walk there, and as I said she barely gets sleep as it is. And while she likes her alone time, she’s had a history of extreme panic attacks when left completely alone for extended periods of time, she also suffers from epilepsy and I don’t want her to be alone if she has a seizure.

I could technically stay with her in the home, but it could get me into trouble. Without going into detail, I caused a pretty big scene a few years ago and the landlord of the apartment complex threatened me with legal action if I came around again.

If the neighbors saw me it could be bad.

My daughter did not cause the fire. The fire was caused by an unsupervised mini fire in the backyard shop and was made worse by air tanks and the like, my daughter showed me her texts with her ex confirming this.

There WERE other places to sit down, the dining room was open, we have seats outside and the living room has two chairs. He deliberately chose to sit next to her.

It was 11 at night when this happened, and my daughter when to sleep around 4 pm.

She doesn’t sleep very long and it’s in short intervals, it’s not like she just passes out, wakes up, and repeats.

My friends AGREED to let me set these boundaries. They were there when I told the guest the rule. I didn’t just barge in and demand it.

It’s not like I expected everyone to stay out all the time, just while she got some sleep. People were free to go in, do what they needed, and sit somewhere else if they needed to. There isn’t anything particularly interesting in the room anyways.

I just asked that they didn’t stick around for too long.

This guy wasn’t even staying long, he was supposed to get something, talk for a while, and then leave. It’s not like we kicked out someone we invited or anything, he just showed up.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

The dude sounds super creepy.

It sounds like maybe you haven’t been able to be there for her as much as you would have liked to in her life. This is a great step towards working on repairing your relationship. Her feeling safe and her actual safety are most important.

I hope you are clean/able to stay clean and continue to support and stand up for her.” DM_Paper_Co_Inc

Another User Comments:

“YTJ – You aren’t paying rent so you don’t have the right to tell anyone where they can/can’t sit or restrict the use of a living room space.

The guy is not a creep simply for sitting down on a sofa. It’s not predatory behavior to sit down.

It also sounds like your daughter needs some serious help, this is not a good situation to be in and she has issues that require proper medical intervention, and you can’t expect other people to be tiptoeing around so they don’t set her off.

They live there too.” Jambomo

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – it sounds like you’ve done a lot of work to get to the point where you do the right thing by your daughter. Well done on that. This was you being a good parent and helping your daughter reinforce her boundaries. She deserves to feel safe, and she didn’t. The guy who did that after being asked not to was in the wrong. Stick to your guns, and be proud of yourself for having good instincts here.” risen87

2 points - Liked by IDontKnow and LizzieTX
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Spaldingmonn 10 months ago
Even if OP is not paying rent she is a tenant and there is an agreement. The guy was in the wrong place. RED FLAG. RED FLAG. Everything you do with or for your daughter is a good thing. All relationships need work. Congrats on your sobriety. Well done.
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9. AITJ For Not Letting My Ex Keep The Furniture That I Bought?

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“It’s been 3 years and I can’t take any more. There were red flags from the start now I look back but at the time I kept bending over backward to make it work, thinking that we were over the worst and that the silver lining was coming.

My (30F) ex-partner (36M) has a child (4M) and from the start, his ex has controlled everything about our lives and has had the final say on how our time is spent.

When we moved in together I had to take out loans to pay for all the essentials, appliances, and furnishings for the house as the only available property we could find in the area where he was allowed to live (determined by the ex as she wanted to live her and has primary custody of the child and my ex-partner doesn’t drive) was an unfurnished one! He wasn’t able to financially do this and at no point in the 2 years since we have been here has he purchased any new furnishings or appliances or even offered to help with the costs! I’ve been left to make this place a home for the 3 of us.

We have recently broken up, not under great circumstances as I was made to feel left out of everything as he would make decisions on which weekends he would have the child with the child’s mother and not include me, so I could never make plans for us! I was always an afterthought to include in their decisions.

Now that it’s over I am sorting out my stuff to move and I am being made to feel like the villain for taking all the furniture and appliances that I have paid for.

My ex-partner’s family is saying I am leaving the child without! This isn’t the child’s primary residence, he is only ever with my ex on weekends and so I’m in no way making him homeless or leaving him without! My ex-partner’s dad has said that he would come down and things wouldn’t go well for me and I’m just left shocked that this is even an issue! Should I be leaving all my possessions behind for him to take ownership of cause he has a child and I have to just accept the financial loss and start all over again from scratch? I’m not financially in a place to do that, I wish I was cause I would rather have new stuff than the memories attached to all this stuff!”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

You aren’t obligated to let them purchase any items from you, but I’ve found that it is often easier to tell people what it will cost (in time, energy, or money) to get what they want, rather than just telling them ‘no’…

After all, it’s much harder to complain that you are being unreasonable when you have literally offered them a reasonable deal. And nine times out of 10, they drop it anyway since they only wanted it when it seemed ‘free’.

Although with your ex’s father’s threat, I wouldn’t consider offering the deal until after I’d moved my stuff out of the house.” DinaFelice

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – you took out the loans and paid for the stuff, it’s yours.

You have no obligation to furnish a home for your ex’s child to live in on weekends. You might let Papa Ex know that threats like that are grounds for legal charges and he might want to slow his roll before he’s spending the holidays on an institutional diet.

Frankly, I’d suggest filing for a restraining order as he has absolutely no business or right to communicate with you at all; he’s not a party to this relationship. Pack up and get out of Dodge as soon as you can and block all the jerks.” Dipping_My_Toes

Another User Comments:

“If you aren’t married and you actually paid for the furnishings they belong to you.

I’d call his father, tell him those are your personal possessions and if he says anything threatening at all, I’d go straight to the police and ask about filing a restraint order. Alert the father that you are doing this, that you have receipts through your bank account for all the things you have bought and there is zero possibility of you paying for furnishings and then leaving them for the ex.

The fact that he has a child is on him, not you. Make that clear to anyone and everyone you come into contact with. Hungry people aren’t allowed to steal food from your house or the grocery store. Need is not factored into ownership. NTJ” theloveburts

2 points - Liked by IDontKnow and LizzieTX
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Spaldingmonn 10 months ago
Call the police bow. You were threatened. Get a record of this. Start a paper trial. And then get your stuff and go. Good luck with everything. I hope you find someone who appreciates you.
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8. AITJ For Taking My Neighbor's Garbage Out Of The Bin To Put Mine In?

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“Some new neighbors moved into one of the units in our group of six. Tonight I went out to put my rubbish in the bin to then put on the curb to be collected in the morning. However, when I opened the bin it was filled to the brim with rubbish from my neighbor.

I knew it was their rubbish because I had seen the boxes and bubble wrap outside their front door earlier in the day. I ended up taking their rubbish out of my bin and putting a couple of bags of my rubbish in the bin instead and wheeled it to the curb.

As there was no room left in my bin after putting my rubbish in I put their rubbish back by their front door, where it had been earlier. (It wasn’t food waste or anything just boxes, bubble wrap, and styrofoam)

However, a few minutes later after I had gone back inside I overheard them calling me a ‘jerk’ and looking in my bin to see if they could fit their rubbish back in (they couldn’t).

I thought I acted reasonably, I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it and didn’t want to just leave their rubbish in someone else’s bin or lie on the ground so thought putting it back where it was previously was the best option.

All of our bins will be emptied in the morning and they can put their rubbish in their bin then, surely that isn’t such a big deal? I’m worried I may have acted wrongly and should have just let them use my bin to avoid getting off on the wrong foot with the new neighbors.

I really didn’t think they would be so offended. I’m not really sure how I could have handled it differently, AITJ?

Note: all of the bins are clearly marked with our unit numbers and they had already filled and put their bin out on the curb for the collection so it is unlikely they mistook my bin for theirs.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

They should have asked before putting stuff in your bin. Especially if they put enough to fill the whole bin before you put in the last of your trash and wheeled it out. If they have a bunch of extra crap from moving in they should either 1.

Just set it to the side and fit as much as they can each week, 2. Put it out by the curb on a bulk day, or 3. Take it to a city dumpster themselves. I don’t know if everywhere has options 2 and 3 like my city, but it wouldn’t kill them to have a pile of boxes and packing paper in the corner of their dining room for 2 weeks.” CumulativeHazard

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

They could have asked, or even out of neighborly courtesy if you had room you might have put some or all of it back in your bin. Only you really know if there was room and you were just choosing to not be neighborly, but you say there was no room and so I assume you would have used the remainder of your bin to help them out if you would have had room.

It is inconsiderate of them to have taken your bin and used it without permission. Clearly kitchen waste needs to be prioritized over packing waste.” Whats_Up_Coconut

Another User Comments:

“You don’t state whether you pay separately for your rubbish pickup or if it’s included in your rent, but where we live we pay out of our own pockets for trash pickup, so it’s basically theft of services to put trash in a bin that’s not yours – you’re making someone else pay for your trash pickup. If we have space in our bin and a neighbor asks FIRST, I don’t have any problem with it, but to do it without asking? 100% rude and entitled.

NTJ.” Wyshunu

2 points - Liked by joha2 and IDontKnow
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Squidmom 10 months ago
NTJ. We live in the city and my AH neighbors (both sides) will put their trash in my bin. They both have 2 (1 given and 1 they stole from somewhere else) and will still put stuff in ours. Trash pick up is only once a week. I or my bf always take theirs our and sit it next to their cans. jerk em. It's not my problem they both constantly have huge parties where there are 4 or 5 cases of beer. NTA.
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7. AITJ For Not Letting My Daughter Get Acrylics?

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“I (40f) have a daughter (14f) who asked me if one of her Christmas presents could be a trip to the nail salon. She wanted to get long acrylics done like she sees a lot of other girls wearing.

I am going to be honest and say that I think acrylic nails are a waste of money when press-ons are much cheaper and can look just as good when done properly, even though they don’t last quite as long.

I wear press-ons pretty regularly, which she knows.

When she asked if I would take her I said no, and explained my reasoning. I told her that she could look online or I’d take her to Ulta and get her press-ons that I’d show her how to do.

Since that sounds cheap, and because it isn’t about the dollar amount, it’s about where the money is going, I told her I would try and get her a hair appointment and she could get something fancy done.

My daughter objected – saying that nobody gets press-ons done and that press-ons don’t look good.

Admittedly, I felt hurt as I think I do pretty well on my nails. I told her that she can take my offer or leave it, but she won’t be disrespectful. She continued to complain about how she’d be made fun of for having press-ons and not the real thing.

I told her if she got her own money I’d take her to the salon but I am not paying for something I feel is a waste of money.

My husband says I am being too harsh, and that acrylics are a status symbol for girls now.

I said that she was 14 and that she doesn’t need a symbol of her status. He pointed out that we could afford a trip to the nail salon. I agreed, but reiterated that it isn’t about the dollar amount, it’s about the worth.

My husband grumbled for a bit and now they are both unhappy with me. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ

There’s a difference between her getting acrylics once as a Christmas present and regularly spending the money on them. Going to the salon is a whole experience.

She was gonna realize how much work is required to maintain them and you’d have been able to convert her to press-ons then. Instead of whatever you’re doing now, this could’ve been a learning moment.

Why do you dismiss your husband’s opinion on this? Does he not get an equal say on what his daughter gets for Christmas?

I know that getting it done once and not going back will damage her nails.

That’s the whole lesson. She will either screw up her nails because she chose the wrong options due to peer pressure or get a job to maintain them.

Edit: OP doesn’t care about her daughter being too young. OP also doesn’t care about the nail damage.

She is refusing simply because she doesn’t get the appeal of acrylics over press-ons and thinks her daughter is being disrespectful by disagreeing with her.” FunkyOrangePenguin

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, as a parent you get to make the final decision, and saying no doesn’t make you a jerk.

That being said at 14 esp among girls social status is probably more important than at any other point in your life. Fitting in with a crowd is incredibly important for her developing good social skills and her comfort in school.

Letting her explore something relatively harmless is a good outlet for this as opposed to say partying or acting out in other ways to fit in. It also gives her a bit more autonomy which helps her figure out how to make good decisions for herself.

All kids are different though and you know her better than any of the people on the internet.” slaughterbeam

Another User Comments:

“YTJ, you can say no, but you are not being consistent. It’s not about the amount spent, but what you want isn’t worth the value – how does this make sense, especially to a teen who wants the acrylics and not the hair appointment.

At that point, it seems like you want to control her more than say no. She isn’t trying to insult you by not wanting press on nails, but if she has seen one girl teased for press on nails, she is going to be reluctant to compromise here.

She is asking for a Christmas present, not a year-long commitment. You can say no, but trying to compromise for something that is similar and what you want rather than what she asked for without more reasons than ‘this is how I do it’ feels more like control and judgment of what she values than you actually listening to what she wants.” s10wanderer

1 points - Liked by IDontKnow and Sheishei101
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IDontKnow 8 months ago
YTJ. I would've understood if you were worried about damage to her nails, or her age, but your reasoning is stupid. It's a Christmas gift. Do all her gifts need to be what you deem worthy? She's 14! Any gift you give her will be worthless after a while lol.
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6. AITJ For Simplifying My Husband's Meals?

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“I (35F) have been married to my husband (37M) for 10 years, been together 15. We have a 6-year-old son.

My husband has a complicated relationship with food. He developed an eating disorder in high school that lasted well into our marriage.

Counseling was on and off until I told him if he won’t get better for himself, at least try for our son. He has a lot of anxiety about trying new foods. We went to a hibachi restaurant on one of our first dates and he threw up in the bathroom because the environment was overwhelming.

In addition to that he has autism and is a picky eater.

I take care of dinner. He takes care of breakfast for my son and me, as he gets up early for work. Breakfast is usually the same thing every morning; scrambled eggs, bacon, oatmeal, and apple slices.

He usually just pops in a Toaster Strudel in the toaster or sausage biscuit in the microwave for himself. He’ll also pack lunch for our son before he goes; a ham and cheese sandwich, carrot sticks & celery and ranch, and potato chips.

Sometimes a cookie if we have any.

So the ‘problem’ comes with dinner. I grew up in a cultured environment and enjoy a variety of dishes. When I cook dinner, I usually make my husband’s dish simpler: fewer veggies and spices, no cheese, etc.

Sometimes if the main entree is something like fish, he’ll make himself something like chicken nuggets when he gets home but will eat the rest of the meal.

Recently our son has been asking why his father does not have to eat XYZ but he does.

We both want our son to eat a variety of things so he does not develop eating disorders or simply become a picky eater. I’ve tried to explain this to him, but of course, a 6-year-old thinks it’s unfair. Daddy doesn’t have to eat his brussels sprouts, so why should he?

This is such a silly story but I want to make sure I am not in the wrong here.

Maybe I should try to push my husband more to set a better example, but I know he’s struggling with food and doesn’t want to offset the progress he’s made.

Edit: We never try to force my son to clean his plate.

My husband already had that talk with me a while ago; we have a one-bite rule. What do we do if my son doesn’t like a dish, we wait a few weeks and try to re-introduce it. What I am trying to prevent is him saying no to food and then never trying it again: that is how my husband grew up (if he didn’t like a food/dish, his mother simply just never made it again or did not have him try again).

Obviously, if my son has a repeated aversion to the food we will drop it.

I think telling my son, for now, that my husband is just sensitive to food/certain foods make him sick will suffice. I was just worried I was setting double standards for my son that he wouldn’t understand.”

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here.

These are unique circumstances, but respecting your husband’s boundaries and mental health is paramount. As a parent, you can influence what your child eats, but you can’t and shouldn’t influence what your husband eats. In my opinion, the best course of action is to continue to do what you’re doing, and gently explain things to your kiddo whenever you have to, while still encouraging him to eat a variety of foods, and leaving your husband to eat what he likes.

When he gets older he’ll understand more, but for now, you could even tell him that dad has a lot of foods that just make him sick. That’s not even really a lie, eating disorders are an illness, and eating certain foods does make him sick.” Appropriate-Value54

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here – It sounds like outside of your son’s questions, the system you and your husband have for food works for you.

Explain to your son that certain people are allergic or sensitive to certain foods and how that is different than not liking something or preferring something else. I imagine there are kids in his school that have food allergies, so he is probably somewhat familiar with that concept.

This is an expansion on that concept.” Forward_Squirrel8879

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here. In this instance, I would say (although it may sound defeatist) to give up trying to make your child try things he doesn’t want to. It’s impossible to fairly explain why there’s a different standard in a way a 6-year-old will accept.

Instead, adopt an ‘eat or go without’ policy, and stand by it. Don’t want to have Brussels sprouts? Cool, more for you, and you’re not getting a choice of something else. As for the ‘why does daddy get something else?’ question, the answer is simple; Daddy gets something different because he made it himself. When he’s old enough to use the kitchen he can do things like have chicken nuggets instead. That’s completely fair.” Prestigious-Oven8072

1 points - Liked by OpenFlower
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IDontKnow 8 months ago
If by one bite rule you mean, you make him try just one bite of a new food, then I completely agree and I did the same thing with my kids. I never thought to wait a few weeks and try it again, which is a great idea, but I think I unintentionally did this. I think your handling it the best way you can, and I can't think of a better way. Your being proactive and that's great.
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5. AITJ For Including My Coworker In Secret Santa?

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“My work has 7 female employees including the 2 bosses. Needless to say, we are all very close and interact with each other on a daily, even hanging out outside of work.

My (f26) coworker (f45) had a bad experience with last year’s secret Santa.

We had it split into 3 weeks for the last three weeks of December. Week 1 – trinket, week 2 – trinket, and week 3 – final gift, exchange, and staff dinner.

Her first two gifts came the following week, which ruined her experience of looking for her gift and waiting for it to appear in the designated week, and she also felt that her final gift was below budget and not thought out (a wallet).

As everyone was having their own experience, admittedly we didn’t notice how bad hers was.

This year October we selected the names for secret Santa. This is when she told everyone about her experience and how terrible it was, mentioning it multiple times to different people and saying that she does not want to be involved this year.

In charge, I still put her name in the generator, I and one of the bosses hoping to persuade her as we made a rule in the generator her and her past Santa would not get each other. It did not work.

Instead, I asked her to show me who she got, and decided to get the gifts for both her and my original person, without telling her Santa that she was not participating. This was done so that she could still receive a gift, without having to put in the effort.

In late November, after people started buying gifts she made a comment stating that she does not only does she not want to be a part of it but if she gets a gift she will leave it there at work.

There is NO WAY that she would not receive a gift. Either I would have 3 secret Santas, or the bosses would still get her a gift.

It would be terrible for the next 3 weeks for all to be excited about a surprise gift knowing she’s not involved or receiving it.

Her past Santa would feel guilty and not be able to enjoy the festivities. We would feel awkward brandishing gifts with her right there. The final brunch would be weird after we closed work to exchange the last gifts.

I understand her stance, but I feel that we should at least be able to make it up to her- stress-free on her end, so that everyone can enjoy the festivities.

My thoughts have even gone as far as thinking she is selfish because she knows how small work is and how it will impact the holiday season. Just accepting the gifts graciously is fine because we are only doing it to make her feel included, and to make up for last year! We aren’t forcing her to buy anyone a gift.

As her gym partner, and someone who hangs out with her outside of work – I could never receive a gift and be excited to talk to her about it knowing she can’t enjoy it as well – and she’d have 2 bad Christmases at work.

But maybe I’m being selfish.

Am I the jerk for ignoring her wishes and including her anyway?”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. Secret Santa sucks because people often say it’s voluntary, and then there still ends up being situations like this, where you’re still either voluntold or bullied into it.

It’s just being harassed into spending MORE money at a time of year when money is already tight and inflation is killing everyone, all so that you can buy someone you barely know or may not even like something they probably don’t even want.” EggsAndMilquetoast

Another User Comments:

“YTJ

Forced personal events at work are unprofessional and toxic.

People should be given the choice and if they say no she should not be involved in any capacity.

By all means, run extra events and invites people to participate, but this is not her job. She has said no, loudly and clearly.

Involving her is ridiculous. Why does your enjoyment of this event have to hinge on her being involved? You’re making this all about you, this whole post is about how YOU feel about her not having a gift or how awkward you would feel.

And you call her the selfish one.” AdrenalineAnxiety

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. First, she clearly stated she doesn’t want to participate. It’s not like she was subtle. Second, instead of simplifying & making it clear that if someone participates they, as Santa, can’t leave their recipient left out, you continue to make this about her non-participation.

If you want some type of gift exchange in the office do a themed white elephant on a set day with some refreshments. Only people who want to participate bring a gift, you don’t have to worry someone is left out, and no one has to stress about finding a perfect t gift for a singular person.” StarGazer8556

1 points - Liked by joha2 and IDontKnow
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Spaldingmonn 10 months ago
She said NO.
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4. AITJ For Refusing To Let My Cousin Stay At My Place?

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“My cousin was disabled in an accident. He’s currently working on regaining mobility, but it’s going to take a long time. He has his own apartment with a roommate but he can’t manage on his own yet and his roommates aren’t caretakers.

He’s essentially being kicked out.

I have a spare bedroom at my house and I’ve been asked by my family to take him in. Other relatives don’t have a spare room for him. I refused because at my house, all of the bedrooms are on the second floor and he’s not able to walk up and down the stairs.

He’s stayed at my house in the past and it was pretty bad. For example, for pest control reasons, we don’t allow eating in the bedrooms. We do make exceptions (such as having a mini fridge with juice & snacks for blood sugar emergencies).

This cousin on several occasions was caught sneaking food into his room so he wouldn’t have to interrupt his video gaming with having to go downstairs to eat. Also, he spilled food and drinks on the bed, and when he left the room had a stench that took months to disappear.

We ended up throwing out the sheets and had to buy a new mattress as well. After he left we also found roaches in his room and had to have pest control come multiple times for treatment.

So due to past history, we’re not thrilled at the request to house him until he’s better.

We’re refusing for entire safety reasons. There’s no way he’s going to be moving up and down the stairs, and I’m not going to be his caretaker because I have a toddler, I’m pregnant, and I’m working. I have no energy left to deal with his nonsense.

In fact, the room that they want him to stay in is the room that I’ve been turning into the nursery for the new baby.

I’m being called a jerk because he’s family and needs help due to the accident, but I don’t want to be the caretaker for a manchild with bad hygiene who didn’t follow house rules in the past.

I feel bad for him because he has completely lost his independence and has broken down crying every time he talks about how hard he’s trying. We know it’ll take months, possibly years to fully recover, if even possible. But I don’t want to deal with this.

AITJ?

Edit: I had a chat with my cousin and it seems like there are a lot of assumptions and miscommunication going on. He is insisting that he can live independently and doesn’t want to go to any relative’s house. He’s been in a vulnerable state and he doesn’t want to be viewed as a burden, and more importantly, doesn’t want to be seen.

Honestly, he needs a heavy dose of therapy. Everybody else is of the opinion that he needs to be monitored because they are afraid he’ll get hurt living alone and should be staying with someone.

Anyways, he had already talked to his apartment and was told there’s a ground-floor studio opening up in late January, so he can transfer his lease there.

His roommates couldn’t technically kick him out because of the lease but there was already a lot of tension and arguments happening so he chose to leave on his own. I brought up a having home aide and while he says he doesn’t need one, I told him to consider a part-time one so that they can at least cook meals for him because eating takeout every day isn’t healthy at all.

They can do things like light cleaning and taking out the trash or doing the laundry because his stuff is filthy. He agreed that someone coming by to cook and clean would be a big help.

I also told him that if he wants to live alone, he needs to have a life alert service because if he falls, nobody would know about it for hours or days.

I even offered to pay for it, but he said it’s for old people and doesn’t need it because his smartwatch can call 911 if needed.

I’m going to respect his decision for now, but I’m also going to be keeping an eye on him.

You guys make it sound like bridges should be burning with all family members, but we’re all trying to look out for each other at heart.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

You are pregnant and have a toddler, and you are working. Depending on how disabled he is, you would also become his caretaker and he would be reliant upon you.

Even without his past issues and your past experiences with him living with you, it’s okay to tell them no. It’s okay to set boundaries.

If the other relatives want to call you names or be rude about it, ask them why they refuse to make room for him.

If they want him to stay somewhere so badly, why don’t they use their money to get him a place? Have you asked them why they expect you to take responsibility for someone that they won’t?

For them to insult you for saying no is really manipulative, toxic, and abusive.

I suggest going low or no contact if you can. That sounds unhealthy. And I’m sorry you’re dealing with that while you already have your hands so full! They should be offering to help you with things.

Not asking you and verbally assaulting you into helping someone else.” User

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

Don’t allow him to come back for all the reasons you said. He is NOT your responsibility. You could try contacting social services to see if they can provide an aide to help him bathe and take care of hygienic needs.

You said ‘I have a spare bedroom at my house and I’ve been asked by the family to take him in. Other relatives don’t have a spare room for him’.

Your spare room will soon be a nursery. Or a room for relatives who are coming to visit you and help you after the baby is born.

The relatives who don’t have a spare room have a sofa, don’t they? He can stay somewhere without a spare room. Where was he living before his motility issues began? That’s where he needs to return.

If he moves back to your house, you will never get him to move out and it is def not your burden to bear.

You’ve already taken care of him before and he ruined a bunch of your stuff you had to replace, it is his more immediate family’s responsibility to care for him – parents brothers, or sisters. Not yours. Worst case scenario the family could chip in to get him a room somewhere.

If he has motility issues does he qualify for disability payments?” Gladtobealive2020

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. He needs assisted living or an adult foster home or a skilled nursing facility. He has complex personal and healthcare needs that are beyond the scope of just a room to live in.

He is unable to live independently, and you are not responsible to get him the housing and services he needs. There are many agencies that can help house disabled adults who have special needs. This is beyond your scope. You have to care for your family first.

This is not a safe or appropriate place for him to be. Do not let anyone guilt or pressure you into compromising your family’s safety and security. You would also have a liability on your homeowner’s insurance if he was housed in an inaccessible room on the 2nd floor and sustained an injury. He needs specialized care, and you are unable to provide it.” upv395

1 points - Liked by Spaldingmonn
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3. AITJ For Recording My Ex's Apology?

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“I was engaged to Julien but we broke up after he yelled at me in front of his friends and then doubled down by refusing to apologize for over a month even though the gifts he was giving me almost daily made it obvious he knew he had messed up.

My brothers are friends with him and they asked me to go check up on him because apparently, he was getting wasted and not acting like himself since I broke up with him. I only went because my oldest brother was happy when I broke up with him so I thought he must be in pretty bad shape if even my oldest brother was asking me to check up on him.

When I went to see him, he was wasted. At first, he was being a jerk and trying to kick me out but then he started apologizing after I told him off. I recorded it because I knew he would deny it when he was sober and it was nice hearing him say he was sorry for once.

My brothers asked me what happened the day after and I showed them the recording because my middle brother didn’t believe me when I told him he apologized to me. They got really angry at me and told me I needed to delete it before Julien found out.

I told them I didn’t care if he found out and I wouldn’t delete it. I don’t know why but my middle brother told him I recorded him apologizing and now he keeps calling and texting me. He said he isn’t angry at me in the text and he just wants to talk but I haven’t responded yet.

I’d like to know if I am the jerk and in deep trouble before I respond… so AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ

It sounds like you recorded your ex and shared it without his knowledge or consent. In most places, this would be considered illegal.

Even if you believe that he had wronged you, sharing his recordings without his consent is not an acceptable way to handle the situation. You are in the wrong for doing this, and you should delete the recording immediately. It is not worth risking legal trouble or further damaging your relationship with your ex.” wanwuwi

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here.

Your brothers for telling you that you need to go check up on an ex simply because he’s wasted and not acting like himself. He’s wasted. What did you expect?

Your ex for continuously gaslighting you throughout your former relationship.

You for staying at your ex’s place when he told you to leave and for recording him when he clearly is in a vulnerable state where he can’t give consent.

I understand it gives some validation to hear him apologize but OP, y’all broke up. His apology or lack thereof won’t save or revive the relationship. So why would you hang onto the recording of a wasted man, knowing it has no value whatsoever?

Treat yourself better.

And stop recording people when they’re that wasted that they aren’t even aware of it.” User

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. Begging an ex to take you back while you’re wasted is as cliche as it gets (see: every sitcom and stand-up act ever).

It really doesn’t mean much, and you shouldn’t be holding it over his head as proof of anything.

And even if he’d been sober, I am really not sure why you think a single apology that he won’t admit to later is some big ‘gotcha’ moment.

People can apologize without meaning it or make an argument stop. What are you even trying to prove here?

Either way, the thing that really gets me is that you supposedly went to his house to ‘help’ him, right? How is anything you did helpful? It seems like you heard he was spiraling and took advantage of the situation to get the vindication you wanted.

(Maybe that’s not what you set out to do, but you still escalated the situation to that point and that’s jerk behavior.)

Showing up at an ex’s house unannounced, refusing to leave when told, and recording his breakdown to share with others is not okay, regardless of how he acted during your relationship, and makes you seem like a drama-seeker.

He’s your ex. Leave him alone, tell your brothers to stop updating you, and move on with your life.” lkbird8

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here. He obviously was wrong in one thing, but I absolutely hate the tendency for everyone to whip out their phones to record people at low moments.

And you knew it was a low moment. You said so yourself. You did something exceedingly kind by going to check on him, why ruin it with vindictive behavior?

You broke up with him. You don’t need to prove anything to sober him anymore.

So it feels like you were trying to make a point by recording that – a little stuck on the version of the two of you together. The beauty of the breakup is the chance to move on from what sounded pretty toxic.

You’re not in deep trouble. It’s just uncool.” wittiestphrase

0 points (0 votes)
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Squidmom 10 months ago
NTJ but next time make sure you check to see if it's legal to record without permission. Unfortunately for me I need both parties consent. I want to record our rude, ignorant admin so I can get her in trouble. We used to record all meetings but she's so ignorant to people the boss stopped recording them to protect her pet.
2 Reply

2. AITJ For Not Going To My Sister's Bridal Party?

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“I (26m) fell in love with my sister’s partner. This began around a year ago when my sister had to travel for work for an extended period of time and her partner got into a pretty bad car accident just a week after she left.

Without going into too much detail about his injuries, he needed someone staying with him and helping him get around for a while. I do freelance work from home to support myself, so they asked me if I could go and stay in their home for a while as her partner’s temporary caregiver while he recovered.

I immediately agreed, wanting to help in any way I could.

Her partner and I were already good friends prior to this situation, but living with someone and being there in some of their most intimate moments obviously strengthens a bond even further.

We bonded over our many shared interests and got to talk about deeper things that were typically off-limits in a group setting. By the time I realized my changing feelings, it was too late to distance myself from the situation. I had committed to helping him for the duration of his recovery and a sudden change in my behavior would just tip him off that something was wrong and add unnecessary stress to an already hard time.

He had expressed feeling like a burden more than once. So, I pulled away the little bit I could and we rode out those last few weeks together before he was back on his feet again.

To make a long story short, the period that followed was full of guilt from me and confusion from my sister’s partner by my quick disappearance following our time together.

He eventually texted me and asked if he had done something wrong during our time together and annoyed me somehow, so we met up and I came clean. The conversation was a brutal one and it eventually ended in both of us agreeing we would limit our time together from now on as there was no hope for an actual future for us – it would simply be too weird given the history.

Fast forward to now. The two of them got engaged somewhat recently and this past Saturday, my sister asked me to be in her wedding as part of her bridal party. I asked her to let me think about it (which already caused some tension) and finally told her yesterday that I was incredibly grateful for her offer but I had to turn it down.

I’m fine attending as a guest, but being at the party just feels too much. She is now furious with me and is demanding I give her an explanation at the very least, something I have refused.

AITJ?

ETA: He did reciprocate my feelings.

They didn’t have a traditional proposal and my sister is the one who initiated the conversations. In response to inquiries about the status of their relationship now: he told me that he respects my sister and doesn’t want to end the relationship abruptly with no real reason he can disclose.

He has had relationships with men in the past and she knows this. He and I text occasionally but not often at all.

EDIT 2: After some thought, I don’t feel comfortable taking this directly to my sister. There are two people I care about being impacted by my choices.

I think my next move is meeting up with her partner and seeing how he feels about telling her.”

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here. So here’s the thing. Florence Nightengale syndrome is a thing, where someone giving care falls in love with their patient.

Transference is also a thing, where a patient falls in love with their caregiver.

They’re all feelings based on the fact that aspects of caring for a person or being cared for, in a medical situation are, by nature, extremely intimate. I’m not saying both of your feelings boil down to simply this, but it literally sounds like the classic presentation of both.

It’s a trope for a reason.

You talked about it like adults, were honest, and you both decided to walk away. You can’t help what you feel, but you can help what you do, and you’re doing the things socially considered correct.

All that said, if you have a therapist, talk to them about this. They’ll be able to help you cope.” User

Another User Comments:

“YTJ

You told your sister’s SO that you had feelings for him. What if he’d dumped your sister for you? Would you have carried on a relationship? You should have kept a tight lid on this as it’s honestly a betrayal of the highest order.

You are now lying to your sister by omission and allowing her to get more deeply involved with someone who may not feel as strongly about her as she does about him. She deserves someone who loves her enough not to have an emotional affair with her brother.

You have prioritized your own feelings about the situation over your sister’s need for support during a very important time in her life. Further, you refuse to give her an explanation which will ensure she asks you about it until she gets one.

I think you’re using this as an excuse to get her to force the truth out of you so you can come clean but blame her for making you tell her, relieving you of the guilt.” CopaCaBabe

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. It’s not your fault that you developed feelings, and you did absolutely everything in your power to limit contact so as not to do anything that would have been disrespectful to your sister despite these feelings.

It’s not her partner’s fault that they reciprocated your feelings because it is very possible to be in love with more than one person without detracting from the other. And despite those reciprocal feelings they too decided it was best to acknowledge the elephant in the room’s existence briefly and then move on from it to never speak of it again.

All because you BOTH love and care about your sister and her feelings.

You both handled this beyond respectfully, and it shows how much you both care about your sister that you’d never walk down such a road that would have disrespected her and her trust in you.

But let’s pretend none of that ever happened, and your sister asked you to be at the wedding party for her to marry an individual you don’t have feelings for. And you still said no thank you. Would that require an explanation? No.

Because NO is a complete sentence.

Conflicting emotions aside, wedding planning is a NIGHTMARE and I wish it upon no one. And you’d have to help do that if you were at the party. The added stress of that alone is enough reason for a no, never mind the unrequited love story in the background.” Miiesha

Another User Comments:

“YTJ, but specifically for choosing not to be in the bridal party because it ‘just feels too much.’ For that to be the case, there has to be one of two scenarios:

You and the fiance are able to control yourselves and continue not acting on your feelings, but being involved in the wedding makes you feel bad.

That’s the price you pay for choosing not to tell your sister, you have to suck it up and deal with the discomfort. It’s a price you’re going to be paying for as long as the three of you are alive and speaking to each other because you’re never going to be able to stop seeing your sister without an explanation.

Otherwise, you’re just offloading pain and confusion onto her to avoid it for yourself, which is jerk behavior. Realistic, but a jerk. Maybe over time, those emotions fade, but you have to consider if you can endure that pain for potentially decades if they don’t.

If not, telling her immediately, before they get married and before you have the chance to slip up is the only wise choice.

You don’t trust that either you or the fiance will be able to control yourselves and avoid acting on your feelings.

In which case you ABSOLUTELY need to tell her, because again you will be put into scenarios where you will be around each other for potentially decades. Either you’re going to slip up, or you’re going to have to withdraw eventually and you’ll again be leaving her in the dark.

This is essentially the same dilemma you were faced with the fiance previously. You had the choice of continuing to act normally without withdrawing and bearing the pain yourself until the feelings faded, or telling them. You saved yourself the pain by offloading it onto them and then confessed because it felt bad.

If you don’t think you could sustain that situation, do you really think you can sustain the much higher stakes situation with your sister, and do you think the fiance can also? Because the consequences will get much worse the longer you wait.

You’re not the inherent jerk for developing those feelings, the fiance isn’t the jerk for reciprocating them, and you seem to have limited your interactions since those feelings were expressed. But you’re not handling the long-term ramifications well, and honestly, you’re probably foolish to think that you can do so after getting in this deep without your sister finding out eventually.

I swear, most of the time ’emotional affair’ is just shorthand for ‘I want to shame you for failing to meet my standards of purity, but you haven’t technically done anything wrong, so I’ll accuse you of the theoretical crimes I’M SURE you really wanted to do.'” muse273

0 points - Liked by OpenFlower
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Squidmom 10 months ago
NTJ. I get it. Your sister is going to get hurt because if he doesn't leave her for you, he will leave foe another man. It appears she is his beard and doesn't even know it. She's going to hate you when she finds out everything and you didn't tell her.
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1. AITJ For Saying That Paying For Myself And My Fiancée Isn't Fair?

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“Me (23F) and my fiancee (22F) have been together for 8 years. 4 years living together. She’s doesn’t work, she entirely stays at home. She takes care of the chores/cooking/etc and I work to provide for both of us. I pay for everything entirely.

I am happy with this and have no complaints in regard to her staying at home.

That being said I don’t make a ton of money, I make enough to provide for both of us and we live comfortably. We don’t struggle but there isn’t a ton of stretching room when it comes to random things.

For Christmas this year, her family suggested that they rent out a cabin and we all meet and stay there for the holidays. Her sister (28f) informed everyone that it would be 500 dollars per couple and the only person that was paying $250 was a single cousin.

500 dollars is a steep fee for me and I wasn’t super thrilled about paying 500 extra dollars around Christmas on top of all the regular expenses and traveling fees. I had about a month and a half of warning to get the money together but unfortunately, I had an emergency come up and was drained well over 500 dollars because of it.

I informed my fiancee’s sister of the issue and it wasn’t looking like we’d be able to make it to the cabin but we would come down after the family cabin stay. She was pretty irritated with me and was rather rude about how it was unfair that everyone else now had to pay more money because I couldn’t pay the 500 dollars when I originally agreed.

I was apologetic but told her it wasn’t really fair for me to pay 500 dollars either when my fiancee doesn’t have an income to help unlike everyone else.

My fiancee’s sister hung up, and my fiancee informed me later on that her sister was drilling her about me not keeping my word and that she understood we’d had an emergency come up but it wasn’t fair to everyone else.

I feel like a jerk that I inconvenienced everyone but trying to do this out of nowhere has been a headache on top of everything else that has been going on, my fiancee won’t pick a side on the situation and has just been very standoffish to her sister and me regarding that situation.

Additional context: Her entire family is well aware I am the only one that provides for us and is aware I don’t make a ton of money.

The 500-dollar cabin stay was still a 12-hour trip away for us and all the bedrooms were already assigned to married couples + kids.

We were told beforehand that we would be sleeping on couches.

Edit: The 500 extra dollars wasn’t going to kill me, I just wasn’t thrilled to pay it on top of everything. The emergency cost me just under 3,000 dollars, another 500 on top of that and Christmas and traveling expenses are just not something I can do.

Edit 2: My fiancee is severely disabled. She was kidnapped and upon escaping the first time she was brought back to the situation. The person she reached out to for help was in on it and helped continue the awful treatment until she was saved.

She went through a lot and will have lasting mental and physical scars for life. I wake up to cooked breakfast every day and I never come home without dinner being already made. My home is spotless and that is all more than I can ask for.

I have never asked her for anything but for her to seek treatment and she does everything just because she wants to. She is in no way using me. I am just happy she is alive and safe. Her family doesn’t contribute at all to any therapy or medication.

My fiancee is the strongest person I know and I am overjoyed she does not work, I equally do not want her to. I have more resentment of her family not assisting than anything due to the severity of her case and their lack of compassion or care.”

Another User Comments:

“You were gonna pay $500 to sleep on couches? NTJ.

You gave them as much notice as possible that your situation had changed. I will add that you were paying 250$ per person it sounds like which as if there are two of you it is what it is – the single cousin is only one person.

It doesn’t matter that she doesn’t work if the price is per person, so I don’t think you should mention that. My NTJ is them being annoyed – that’s life.” krakeninheels

Another User Comments:

“YTJ (in the conflict with her sister).

I was going to say ‘everyone sucks here’ because you shouldn’t have to pay the same to sleep on couches as people getting bedrooms.

But that’s where that ends.

But other than that… you agreed to a relationship with your fiancee where you are the sole earner. If you are barely breaking even, this sounds like a REALLY BAD idea. Especially when she’s so young… what does this mean for the future.

If she’s out of the workforce at 22, she’s not going to be a competitive candidate in the future. Do you plan on supporting both of you for the rest of your lives together? You’ll probably seriously resent this in the future, as you are already starting to.

You and your fiancee deciding that you’ll be the only one earning money has nothing to do with her sister. You guys shouldn’t her special treatment because they know your fiancee doesn’t work. It shouldn’t be other people’s responsibility to cover for her or pay more.

If $500 is a struggle, you shouldn’t have agreed to go on the trip.

I think you need to seriously talk to your fiancee about your financial future together. But don’t expect other people to cater to you based on you two choosing to not have her work.” Usrname52

Another User Comments:

“NTJ!

You say $500 wasn’t going to kill you, but that’s not the point! I wouldn’t want to spend extra money on top of the ordinary expenses that the holidays bring, either.

On top of that, you would be paying the same amount as everyone else and you’d be sleeping on a couch. Forget that. Stay at home. Enjoy your holidays at home in peace and quiet. I don’t understand this need to rent places then force the rest of the family whether they like it or not, to share in the expenses while driving out hours away, in order to spend time with each other during the holidays.” WillLoveCoffee4Ever1

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here – It’s absurd that you were being asked to pay the same amount as the people who actually got bedrooms/beds.

That is what made the $500 unfair. The fact that you and your fiancé have chosen to live off of one income is not a factor. Either way, you agreed to go and pay your share and other people made plans based on the cost being split that way. Your having an emergency should not increase the cost of other people’s vacations.” Forward_Squirrel8879

-3 points (3 vote(s))
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rbleah 10 months ago
NTJ START SAYING NO when this crap comes up. They KNOW what they are doing and THEY DON'T CARE. And it would cost more than the 500. There would be food, drinks and whatever else someone wanted to do, like go out for fun. JUST NO. You take care of your SO and when you can the two of you find a hidden, quiet place to go to. DON'T TELL ANYBODY ELSE EITHER.
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