People Use Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories To Challenge Our Judgment
20. AITJ For Calling Out My Brother's Homophobia?
“I (14NB), was watching the new ‘Heartstopper’ TV show on Netflix yesterday, when my brother, (17m), showed up at the house. I was trying to ignore him as per usual because he always has something horrible to say about me and gay people in general.
There was a scene where Charlie (the main character) was playing rugby, and my brother started with his mean comments.
Saying things like ‘gay people can’t play sports’ and ‘he’s only playing it to get on top of the guys’ and ‘he looks like he’s about to make out with them’ and when there was a kiss scene he’d pretend to vomit and call it weird.
I got upset with it and yelled at him, calling him a homophobic piece of work, among other things, before going upstairs to watch the show on my phone instead.
After he left, I went back down where my mother started off on ME. Saying how it was my fault he was like this and I shouldn’t have gotten upset because ‘it’s what he always does’ and that’s what made me even madder.
He never ever gets told off for what he says to me so he knows he can get away with it. My mom is now calling me a jerk.
Am I the jerk for calling him out? Or should I have stayed quiet?”
Another User Comments:
“So much NTJ.
I don’t know if you’re out as non-binary to them or if they assume you’re cishet (both cisgender and heterosexual), but if they do know and still say this kind of nonsense around you, and your mom actually allows and supports it (excusing bad behavior is supporting it), then that’s just cruel and mean of them.
I’m a 27-year-old lesbian and while I was growing up, my family used to make lowkey homophobic remarks and I never called them out on it. While they’ve progressed and grown with the times to be more accepting, I still live my life in a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ mentality around my family.
One day, they’re going to see how much damage they did to you with their comments, and one day you’re going to get to choose whether to keep them in your life or not. Congrats on standing up for yourself at the age of 14. That may sound condescending, but the 14-year-old me that would just stew in anger but stay quiet thinks you’re the coolest.” wadewilsontxt
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Obviously your brother for being unkind and rude. Your mom for not caring how hurtful he is to you. And you for yelling and ‘going off.’ You lose your upper ground and your power when you lose control. You can stand your ground in a calm and logical manner.
You can also have a discussion seeking to understand your brother (or anyone). Start with asking questions like why something bothers him. Ask him to explain his discomfort. Seek to understand rather than confront. It is only through calm communication that change can occur.” ParticularReview4129
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! It truly sucks that your mother is minimizing, therefore enabling your brother’s lousy behavior.
I’m sad to say that she’s being a jerk and so is your brother.
Good for you for standing up against hateful behavior as well as the tone-policing and a bit of gaslighting from your Mother! I wish we lived in a world where you didn’t need to build this kind of ‘muscle’, but we’re not there yet.” SamathaYoga
19. AITJ For Being "Dramatic" And "Unreasonable"?
“My family and I (16F) are on vacation and are spending a night at a hotel because our flight leaves very early, and this happened a few hours ago. Now, I’m claustrophobic, but I made the accidental mistake of going into the elevator first since I forgot our luggage would mean I wouldn’t be able to get out quickly.
As we went up, I was already starting to feel the telltale spread of uncomfortable warmth that preludes panic (and in the worst cases a panic attack), not sure if that’s how it feels for everyone. When the doors opened my family didn’t move it started getting worse so I asked them to get out (my sisters were nearest to the door and were looking something up).
When they didn’t respond after 3 time,s I started actually panicking and I snapped at them. Immediately my mom started yelling at me for it (she gets mad really easily and our vacation had been pretty stressful so that probably didn’t help). I reminded her that I have claustrophobia and she told me not to give her ‘excuses’ and that I was being dramatic.
To be clear, since we left on vacation, this morning and a lot of things weren’t going according to plan, my mom was very stressed. That probably caused her to get mad quicker than usual since she’s been snappy throughout the entire day.
I don’t think my mom was the jerk because she just has a short fuse and often takes out her stress on me and my sisters, it’s fine, I’m used to it.
I just wanna know if I overreacted by snapping like that because my mom often tells me I’m overreacting in situations like this, and I’m worried I’ll destroy my relationship with my family. It’s already fractured and I desperately wanna save it, since I feel like I, with my mental health issues, am straining it enough as it is.
Was I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ in this situation, but not for the reasons you think.
Red flags were seriously raised when you said ‘she gets mad really easily’ and ‘she just has a short fuse and often takes out her stress on me and my sisters,’.
I cannot stress this enough, that this is a form of abuse. You may not think it because it’s not the abuse we think about when we think of parental abuse and she may be really lovely in other ways, but if you compare her to a drinker for example.
If a drinker was lovely sober, does that give him a pass if they are an awful jerk when intoxicated? Same for stress. Stress does not give people an excuse for being an awful jerk.
The second thing that made me think that it’s abuse is your views on it.
You say ‘I don’t think my mom was the jerk because she just has a short fuse.’ So your mum’s lack of control over herself is an excuse for being an arsehole yet you feel your genuine phobia is not?
You also say ‘my mum often tells me I am overreacting’.
Do you know what this is? People who are stressed or have certain types of mental health disorders can’t cope with other people’s emotions/wants and needs. That means that when you react in a normal way to their poor behavior, they dismiss it as your problem.
They make YOU the problem so they don’t have to deal with it. That does not make your feelings invalid, nor does it mean you should have done things differently. It means currently they are unable to cope with the situation.
You say you are ‘okay with it’ when your mum does this to you.
You are not. You are suffering from anxiety, you are internalizing her projection of you (meaning you are believing her when she says you are not worthy of emotion or needs and you have made it part of your identity) and so you are clearly showing signs of being mistreated.
There’s good news and bad news here. The good news is now you know, you can learn and study as much as you can about this type of behavior and how to deal with it. I cannot say what is wrong with your mum if it is stress, a mental health disorder, or a personality disorder, but you can do some detective work and that will help you understand that you are not the problem, she is.
Also, you need to get therapy. Now and probably for many many years. This relationship will affect your future relationships and you might find yourself in abusive relationships in the future because your mum has normalized the awful treatment. That’s the good news.
The bad news is that some people won’t believe you.
You will try and explain to them, as you did with this post, that something is not right. And some of them will react, as they did on the post, saying that you are the one in the wrong. This is because of 2 things. 1 is that you have internalized the awful treatment and are framing the story in such a way that you could be in the wrong, instead of the correct way.
Let me rewrite the post for you: I was having a panic attack in the elevator and my mum yelled at me for causing drama.
The second thing is a lot of these things are minor, small incidents that are easily dismissed.
In summary, your mum is abusive and she has conditioned you to accept the awful treatment as normal and that you are the problem.
Get help immediately as you are at risk.
If you still don’t believe me, think about this. How does your mum make you feel? Warm loved, safe, supported securely. OR sometimes, worthless, helpless, wretched?” Morningsuck_123
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
No, maybe you shouldn’t have snapped. But if your mom knows about your claustrophobia and calls it an ‘excuse’, that makes her very much the jerk.
Your anxiety can spike and cause you to become distressed, and it’s not like you screamed. Snapping is rude, but it can sometimes be necessary for people to understand that you are distressed. If your family doesn’t know or understand how claustrophobic anxiety affects you, try to explain it to them so they can better understand why you react the way you do.
Also, if your anxiety causes you to snap, always apologize for it so people understand you’re not being mean, you’re just distressed.
I also want to mention that moms tend to get Vacation Stress, which is a very real and different monster from regular Mom Stress. They can be even more touchy, antsier, and sometimes more demanding than they are at home.
Maybe having this conversation during the vacation is not the best idea, as she’s going to be dealing with her own problems and you bringing this up might make her feel like you’re adding to her stress. Hopefully, it doesn’t ruin your trip, just try to remember your mom’s mood is not your fault, you’re not doing anything wrong.” wadewilsontxt
18. AITJ For Not Wanting To Take Care Of My Niece And Nephew?
“I 24F live with my brother 27 and SIL 27. I watch their kids every single day. Mostly in the mornings before I work so that my SIL can go to the gym and go out. On top of watching the kids, I also pay a high amount in rent and clean their house every day.
I used to work every weekend but I decided to get Saturdays off to spend time with the family and for some me time.
The past 4 Saturdays, I’ve had to cancel plans to watch the kids so my brother and SIL can go out. They promised last weekend that the next Saturday is for me.
Fast forward to this morning, I woke up expecting a relaxing day for myself when my brother asked if I can watch the kids AGAIN so that my SIL can go get a tattoo. I said yes at first, mostly out of fear of a fight, then thought about it and asked how long do they think it will take.
He got upset and said they will just take the baby. I was taken back and explained that I’m going to still be watching my niece so taking the baby doesn’t change anything and I just wanted to know when they would be back. I understand it’s hard raising kids but I don’t want to constantly watch kids that aren’t mine.
So, AITJ?
EDIT: So I see everyone commenting amazing ideas but to give a little bit more into the situation. I pay rent, I babysit and I clean. On top of paying for my own needs and food. I’ve spoken before about being used and I was threatened to be kicked out.
Keep in mind I moved down here to be with them after a bad car accident that almost killed me. I left a great job and my own place. Now because of the accident, I don’t have the best credit to get my own place out here.
I’ve tried once when they threatened and almost did till my SIL used the kids against me. I couple write a book about what happens here but this is the most recent.”
Another User Comments:
“You are essentially paying ‘a high amount in rent’ to them to be their kid’s nanny and housekeeper.
This is backward. I suggest number one move out if you can afford to pay ‘high rent’.
My other suggestion is to phone a few daycare places and ask what they charge per hour for looking after a baby and another child. Document where you called and the rates.
I would then discuss this with your brother. Start documenting the dates and how many hours you babysat and how many kids that time etc. Do this each and every time and tell them you want it deducted off the rent because that’s what they would be paying if you weren’t there doing it.
I have a feeling by the end of a month they would end up owing you money and I would be telling him that.
In regards to the housework, yes you should be helping obviously since you live there however if they are expecting you to literally cook and serve their meals, do their laundry, etc., and clean everything without them doing any of it.
Then no, that’s being a maid.
NTJ. Personally, I would just move out. Much easier and peaceful in the end.” cattripper
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As others have said you need to set some firm boundaries. You hold a lot of power in this situation, they have a live-in babysitter! That is priceless.
I suggest sitting them down and saying you love watching your niece and nephew but that you are starting to feel taken advantage of.
Remind them that you pay rent, you clean, and you watch the kids in the mornings — just in case they somehow forgot or stopped noticing how much you help.
And that you watched them four Saturdays in a row, and they broke their promise to you. Talk about trying to come up with a set schedule for babysitting. The reason I’m suggesting you offer that is that their first reaction is possibly going to be defensive, so by turning around and immediately offering a plan you’re controlling the narrative.
I DON’T suggest they cut down rent in exchange for babysitting. I just worry that’ll make it harder to set boundaries if you have your rent linked to it.
Now, all of the above is said with the assumption that you enjoy babysitting them, they actually DO appreciate you, that having good ties with your family is important to you, and that other than this miscommunication you have a good relationship with them.
This is important: If they respond aggressively or rudely AT ALL you need to say ok no more babysitting AT ALL and I’m moving out (you can find a good roommate situation on Craigslist or online marketplace — there are even online groups that can help you navigate that).
If you still want to, you could continue to babysit occasionally when you live on your own but it’ll be easier to say no when you’re not under the same roof. And it’ll be harder for them to ‘forget’ how much you’re helping. You can even charge a little.
As an unmarried aunt that sometimes babysits my niece and nephew, I relate. But my brother and SIL also really appreciate it when I watch the kids. If they treated me the way yours do I wouldn’t do it. But I’m assuming there’s more to your story that is the reason for your lack of boundaries.
And I mean this in the gentlest way possible but you’re also old enough that you should be working on building your own life.
Good luck. Remember you have no obligation to keep doing this. They are getting a HUGE perk — most parents don’t have a live-in babysitter so just visualize how hard their life would be without you and you’ll realize how valuable you are.” brieasaurusrex
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Move out, they are exploiting you. A nice room with some roommates will be MUCH better. Even a trashy room will be better than your life as a house slave.
So look for a better job, build up your credit, and start looking, Let them know when you are safely gone, and don’t tell them your new address.” Initial_Number_4747
17. AITJ For Revealing My Best Friend's Secret?
“I (20f) live with my best friend (19f) who we’ll call Sara. We are pretty much a moon and sun friendship. Sara is a very calm introverted great listener and is the type who would rather sit at home playing games than go to a party.
I’m very far from that, despite our differences we are like family and love each other like sisters.
So a couple of weeks ago, I was getting ready to go out with my partner when I saw Sara sitting in the kitchen looking like something was bothering her.
I assumed she was harassed by a creepy man again at work (She works at a bar) to my shock she revealed to me that she had caught feelings for a guy. Long story short, she told me that she had met a guy a little while ago.
They became friends and she recently realized she likes him more than just friends. Now she has no idea what to do. (In the past, when she confessed her feelings to someone, it didn’t end well for her) I told her she can’t bottle this up and has to tell him.
The guy might actually like her back or maybe not realize he has feelings for her.
Later that night, when I got home with my partner, I heard Sara and someone else laughing. She had mentioned inviting a friend over so I was expecting one of her friends I knew.
Nope the person with her was my partner’s brother James (22m) that man is like 189 cm tall and covered in tats so it was weird to see him laughing while playing a board game with Sara. My partner and I stood there a bit shocked, neither of us knew those two were close.
Now, this is where I may have been the jerk. I could tell from just from the way she was around him that this was the dude she was talking about earlier. I have seen her around people she had feelings for and it was so obvious.
The two had some sort of inside joke going on as they kept bursting into laughter. Now I don’t know what came over me but I just said, ‘Wow Sara if you just had told me you had a crush on James I could’ve just set you two up’.
Both of them just stopped and Sara’s face went red as she looked at me like she wanted to crawl into a hole and drag me with her. Things got super awkward as my partner and James were leaving. He looked at Sara like she was a roach before saying bye.
Sara then got upset and asked why I just did that. It ended up that I was right, Sara likes James. She told me it wasn’t my right to do that without her consent and she was going to tell him on Monday that she has feelings for him.
She said she is a big girl and doesn’t need a friend to make her confessions for her even if I thought it was a smart idea.
It has been a couple of weeks of Sara acting nothing happened but I can tell she is a bit bothered.
I heard from my partner that James ghosted Sara and now I don’t know what to do. I really feel like I messed up and want to make things right.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“It’s lack of respect and loyalty that would make me reconsider the friendship.
If I can’t share my feelings with someone without risking having them thrown in my face in public, then I don’t want to share my feelings at all. You didn’t respect your friend’s right to manage her own relationships, you trampled over her budding crush even though you knew she already had difficulties after a previous bad experience.
YTJ.” momoalogia
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
But maybe James doesn’t like Sara as more of a friend because he is older. You were treating your friend like a mean school bully. Your apology isn’t working bcs she’s still processing her hurt from him not sharing her feelings. Buy her a gift or do something nice for her like taking her out because she’s not just going through you saying it, she’s also going through rejection which doesn’t feel good.
I know what it’s like to be a loud-mouthed blunt person myself but this wasn’t about you… You’re getting older you need to learn to control what you share about others.” hunnypie777
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Why would you do that? Were you jealous she was having fun with someone who isn’t you? Are you jealous of your friend in general?
As someone you described as like a sister to you why would you do that? My twin sister and I didn’t like each other from a young age till like 16 and even in those years, we would never be mean like that to each other in public or in front of people, you save that thing for in private.
Dear Sarah, I hope you find a better friend one who actually cares about you and actually thinks about your feelings and not just their own before opening their big mouth to hurt you.” PsychologicalPhone94
16. AITJ For Not Allowing My Cousins To Play With My Dog?
“I,21F, invited my cousin A (22F), over so we could hang out. Been a while since we hung out, so I was looking forward to catching up.
An hour later, mom unexpectedly invites other cousins over (9M & 5M), let’s call them J&J. Mom always expects me to entertain our younger cousins, whether it’s at our house or at any event.
Maybe it’s because I’m young at heart and appearance-wise, I resemble a teenager.
Mom brings them over without notice and I’m annoyed. I wanted to be with A but now I have the responsibility to entertain kids? Lemme preface this by saying I love kids. But I think most ppl can agree that they’re a handful.
I’m not a parent or babysitter so I won’t be tasked with entertaining them while their parents and my mom talk.
That’s where my dog comes in. Mom asks me to let them play with him since he’s small, energetic and likes ppl but I didn’t want them to.
J&J has interacted with him before. They tried to pick him up while resting, touching him, etc. My dog didn’t mind it but I’m scared that he could snap. He did it to me before so imagine he does it to J&J. Didn’t want to risk it and get blamed.
And when my dog is excited he jumps up at faces and I didn’t want him to accidentally scratch J&J.
I locked me, A, and my dog in my room where we talked for hours. I lied and told J&J that I was going to give the dog a bath.
Later, J&J tried to knock on our door and unlock it. They kept saying ‘Is your dog done his bath?’ and I said, ‘No, move away from my door pls. I’d appreciate it.’ But as young kids do, they tried sneaking thru another way to pester us.
I wasn’t having it. I closed the door they were trying to come thru and told them, ‘PLS stop bothering us, thanks.’ I tried to say it as nicely and calmly as possible but sternly. They went downstairs and played amongst themselves for the remaining hours and then left.
Mom comes to me about how I’m ‘evil’ for not letting them play with my dog because they were so bored. I told her that I don’t trust them alone with him nor do I want to be responsible for entertaining them. I don’t want to watch over both J&J and my dog while I’m trying to hang out with A.
I just wanted to relax. This is hard to do so if they’re running up and down the house with my dog. (They did that the last time they were here.) I told mom that I told them to leave my room since they kept knocking on it and bothering us.
Mom got upset and says I’m so rude for saying that, but I won’t feel guilty for my decision. After all, I’m grown. I said that no other older cousin is held responsible for entertaining the younger kids. Why am I the one who always has to do it? Because I look and act a bit young?
So AITJ?
For context: I live in an ethnic household where appearances are everything.
Mom expects me to be nice 24/7 to guests & accommodating, otherwise we’ll be seen as ‘rude’ by relatives. She gets upset when I tell her I don’t care what people think. I’m already nice when I interact with relatives. But now I suddenly can’t stand my ground when I tell them I don’t want to entertain them?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Dogs have boundaries just as people do, and it’s fair to try to avoid a situation where the dog can snap, especially considering if the dog does bite the blame would be put on him, and he could be put down.” Ghostfire137
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Not even one tiny bit.
But you do sound like a great pet owner who cares about their dog and takes their job of protecting their pet seriously. You have one responsibility in all this and that’s to keep your dog protected and safe. I own chihuahuas and I absolutely do not trust any kid with them because kids can be rough and I don’t want my dogs getting hurt or scared.
Their wellbeing is the only thing I care about, I don’t care if some kid is sad because they can’t maul my dogs.
Animals are not toys. I’ve only ever let one child hold or interact with my dogs and that was my daughter because I taught her how to be extremely gentle with animals from the get-go and she was always very gentle and soft with them.
Sorry, but your mom is a big jerk. Let her entertain those kids because you aren’t the in-house babysitter. And your dog isn’t some toy that is there for the amusement of others. Good job on protecting your dog, keep up the good work.” ChihuahuaMafia
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Mum needs to supervise her guests rather than tell you to do it. You aren’t a parent nor are you required to drop what you are doing. And a dog is a living breathing being and is not a toy for wee ones.” EspressoWolf
15. AITJ For Asking My Friend To Pay Me More?
“My friend, we can call her Sammy (23F) and I (23F) moved to the same military small town at the same time and instantly became friends. Unintentionally, we got pregnant at the same time a few months later! Having someone who related to everything I was going through truly made becoming a mother in the heat of a health crisis a magical time.
Fast forward 2 years. 3 weeks before her husband comes home from deployment, she decided she wants to go back to work! I was so excited for her and told her if she wanted me to nanny for her I wouldn’t mind! I told her she could pay me whatever she felt comfortable with and we agreed on $330 per week! Initially, I was only supposed to watch her for 2 weeks then her husband would be home but I told her it would more than likely be longer than that because a lot of times returning home from deployment the dates change a lot.
I end up watching her daughter for almost 3 weeks. 11hour shifts 4 days a week feeding her 3 meals a day and snacks. We had a great time! I love her daughter like my own since I’ve known her, her whole life. I would be lying tho if I didn’t admit it was exhausting.
Two 2-year-olds who act like siblings are a lot to jump into! Needless to say, I was excited her dad was coming home and I was back to my own routine.
Last week, Sammy let me know she wouldn’t get paid till the following Friday and I said ‘no worries, I trust you!’ The next Thursday comes around and I wake up to a notification saying she sent me $680.
So I texted her and asked if she meant to send that amount. And she replied ‘yeah I threw in an extra $20 for the last week’ instantly I wanted to cry… $20 for nearly 33 hours of watching her child felt like a slap in the face.
So I asked to confirm $20 for the last 3 days of watching your daughter. And she said ‘you want me to pay you more? cuz almost $700 is a lot. I, being the DOORMAT I AM, said oh no I was just confused and wish you talked to me about it first and then she replied ‘so we’re good?’ And I said yeah.
And we moved on in the conversation but it was obviously not the same.
Hours between replies and sort of short generic answers. The next morning I woke up to see on social media everyone went out without me and she intentionally didn’t invite me. Feeling so excluded and getting cold-shouldered makes me wonder AITJ for asking for more money?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your friend showed you what kind of person she is, believe her. She is taking advantage of you. You and your time are worth more than a plugged nickel. You deserve a friend that appreciates you and what you do for them to help them out.
I would be very annoyed if I were in your shoes. I would not offer to help her again. Personally, I would re-think wanting to have this person in your life. Screw her. She’s a big jerk.” ChihuahuaMafia
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
You told her she could pay whatever she felt comfortable with, and you guys settled on a fair price, you told her it might be longer than 2 weeks but failed to inform her you would be expecting more money for the third week, she could’ve reasonably thought that you understood she couldn’t afford to pay you more than the 2 weeks’ wage and was offering the additional days as a favor.
I would say that’s a miscommunication.
I do think you’re being a bit greedy though. I get that it was a lot of work taking care of the kids but you offered to do this for a friend so she could get settled into her new job.
I’m assuming she’s not well off if she had to wait to get a paycheck to pay you, and I’m assuming you’re not reliant on that payment since this isn’t your main income and you did it as a favor. How did you go from helping out a friend and ‘you can pay me whatever you’re comfortable with’ to treating it as a business and getting upset that she didn’t pay you as much as a daycare without even informing her of that expectation? If I were you, I would’ve just left it at that and been more clear with expectations next time around.
The fact that your friend didn’t invite you to go out with everyone is awful though. Either she’s upset/uncomfortable because she feels like you treated your friendship and your favor to her as a business deal OR she is a trashy friend and purposely stiffed you and doesn’t want your friendship anymore now that she doesn’t need you.
You now have to take a look at the history of your friendship, any patterns she may have displayed or not displayed, and figure out which is true. Was she a good friend to you prior to this instance? Have you ever felt used by her? Was it a one-sided friendship?” Open_Violinist2605
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I feel like your friend is purposefully being obtuse or ‘using’ you because any reasonable person who had agreed to pay $330 per week for a service would realize that they would then need to pay almost half that again for 3 extra days (min $140).
I definitely don’t think you should break up the friendship about it, but I think you should call her or go over and say ‘hey, this has been bugging me… the thing is it was harder than I expected watching both kids, buying them food & cooking them meals, etc… and I understand that $800 is a lot, but it’s still way less than you would have been paying for a sitter or daycare… in fact, it’s only $4/hr… it’s OK if you can’t pay me the remainder right away, but we agreed on $330 per week, and 3 days by that logic is $140, not $20’.” JenniphyrN
14. AITJ For Telling My Dad He Doesn't Deserve My Mom?
“My mom 42F and my stepdad 45M argue a lot, it sometimes gets to the point where my mom will stop taking care of herself, and it makes other people in the house uncomfortable, including me, 15F. My stepdad has acknowledged this multiple times but doesn’t do anything to help.
Last night, we got in an argument about it, during the argument he said ‘it’s not my job to monitor your mom’s mental health, that’s her issue,’ and I finally snapped at him. I told him he’s not good enough for my mom and that I wish she would leave him and find someone who actually treats her with respect and love.
Now, he isn’t speaking to me and I feel like I was too harsh. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. When wedding vows are said there’s something along the lines of ‘in sickness and in health… blah blah blah’ and it means the other person is promising to take care of them no matter what.
Her mental health should be of his concern.
You are too sweet for looking out for her.
Have you talked to your mom about how you feel?” Interesting-Week-483
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, at all.
I’m very sorry that you have to witness such domestic strife at an age where you deserve to be supported by caring parents.
Your stepfather is an emotionally abusive jerk, and your mother is suffering the symptoms of his terrible behavior. You’re being forced into the role of emotional caretaker for your mother. Understand that none of this is your fault, that it’s not normal and that good people do not behave the way your stepfather behaves.
Good, caring partners absolutely care for one another’s mental health. Your mother should leave him, but that’s not something you can force to happen.
If you have adults you trust, you need to get them involved in this. A favorite teacher, a friend’s parent, you need help.
And if your stepfather ever threatens violence toward you or your mother, even for a second, you call 911, right away. Don’t hesitate for a second.
I wish there was an easy answer for you here. Just remember as you navigate this that your stepfather IS AN AWFUL PERSON.
Don’t let anyone, including your mother, cause you to doubt that fact.” TheMidnightHandyman
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
We all deserve a SO who respects us and loves us. It’s only ‘harsh’ because it’s true. Had he been treating mum right, he could have asked to list why you think he doesn’t respect or love her. But clearly, he didn’t have time to hear a long list he likely already knows.” TwoCentsPsychologist
13. AITJ For Forcing My Partner To Cut His Hair?
“My (20F) partner (20M) is a metal head, so he has the stereotypical metalhead look with the long hair and black wardrobe. Thing is, his hair is so freaking nice when it’s straight out of the shower but outside of cheap shampoo, he doesn’t do anything to it.
He has a really bad case of dandruff that gets literally EVERYWHERE. On his shirts, on our pillows, in my hand when I play with it, and even on his face. He even gave me his Slayer necklace which I still wear now but when I got it was literally covered in every nook and cranny with piles of dandruff.
It was so disgusting to get rid of. And it’s been bothering me a lot. I voiced out how bad his dandruff has gotten and offered to take him to a doctor and buy him the proper meds and shampoos. I even gifted him a bunch of hair care routine products that he uses every 2 months.
He also has a patchy beard that looks like the one that Walter from breaking bad has and it makes him look 30 years older and honestly it’s extremely unattractive.
Well, we broke up about 2 weeks ago but stayed friends and now he’s asking for a second shot.
I told him I’ll gladly give him a second shot if he got a haircut and shaved his beard. He got awkward and explained that he never got a haircut aside from long or straight up bald ever since he was a kid, that he’s scared that he’ll look bad in the haircuts I suggested to him when we were together.
I told him that I want to actually be attracted to my partner and his beard and hair are making it hard for me to do that.
He argued back that he’ll start from ground 0 (which means that he’ll get bald and grow his hair back) and I told him then I can’t be with him because I’m not attracted to bald people, especially when they’re barely in their twenties.
We went back and forth but I stood my ground on him having to get a cut. And now we just have awkward conversations because he really wants to get back and I kinda do too because he’s so sweet and never has any type of hygiene problem aside from this one.
My friends said that it’s a jerk move that I’m forcing him to cut his hair and now I don’t know what to feel anymore.
Edit: an overwhelming amount of people think that I’m upset that he doesn’t have short hair which is completely wrong. I simply asked him to do something about his dandruff problem and since he wasn’t willing to do a hair routine with products, I told him to at least shorten his hair so that dandruff doesn’t get thrown everywhere.
Update: I called him last night to apologize if I ever made him feel like he has to change something in himself to go out with me but I stood my ground about dandruff and told him he really really needs to do something about it if he wants us to live together.
To make a long story short, he’s gonna start to use Head and Shoulders more often and he told me to come with him to the barber to get a cut and if he’s gonna get rid of his hair then I should too. I’m getting a short wolf cut.”
Another User Comments:
“Dandruff isn’t a hygiene thing, it can have a few different causes.
Tell him to try any Head and Shoulders Supreme shampoo that appeals to him. It’s cheap and he can find it in the grocery store or someplace like Target (in the US). It has pyrithione zinc and will likely help a great deal if he uses it regularly.
Having said that, if you’re into a clean cut and he isn’t, it’s never gonna work. He’ll resent you for making him change or you’ll resent him for not changing. No jerks here.” NGDGUnpunished
Another User Comments:
“NTJ-ish.
You’re allowed to have your standards for self-care and public appearance.
If his appearance kills your attraction, then it is what it is.
It sounds like there might be any of a number of issues your partner is dealing with. The fact that he’s neglecting his scalp care is a little alarming (and gross). Sensory issues, executive function issues, depression, habits, anxiety, etc., are possible reasons he does this.
It sounds like you’re trying to be helpful, but he has different values. Maybe he has some kind of hangup about getting a haircut because he thinks it means something, and he doesn’t like what it means. Some people just don’t want to be the person who pays a good amount to get stylish cuts so they can look good.
I’d struggle with being a partner to someone who neglects themselves this way. I’d think it was a symptom of a deeper issue, and if it couldn’t be dealt with easily it could be a hindrance to the relationship.” Johoski
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, honestly I understand.
My partner has long thick hair and if he doesn’t manage it gets nasty quickly (he works around grease and oil regularly so I don’t mean NASTY just dirty) and I also have thick curly hair and because I don’t have the energy to fight a lions mane every day I have it relatively short.
The bottom line is if you want long hair, especially long thick hair, it needs to be maintained by either proper care or haircuts. I can’t speak on the beard, he can’t really change how it grows tbh.
So I don’t think you’re the jerk for asking him to either care for it or cut it but he’s also not the jerk for feeling insecure about changing something that’s been constant for him.” cheechie64
12. AITJ For Letting My Kids Watch Coachella?
“My older daughter (11) wanted to watch the Billie Eilish at Coachella on our TV and sound system with a few of her friends.
My youngest daughter (6) had two friends over from her class and they watched it too. One of the friends, Mica, watches it too.
I didn’t think anything of it until Mica’s father comes to my house and starts screaming at me a few days later for allowing his daughter to watch that. He thinks all of Hollywood is evil and is brainwashing our children. I asked him to leave repeatedly because he was scaring my wife and daughter but he just kept getting madder at up with every point and he refused to leave my home.
My 11-year-old daughter calls 911 and puts it on speaker so they can hear Mica’s dad acting crazy. The cops come and left the information on filings a restraining order.
He has told a lot of the parents in our school how we allow our children’s friends to watch inappropriate things and act like cowards who call the police.
Mica’s dad acted completely insane and scared my daughter to call 911 because she’s never seen anyone act like that.
This brings me back to whether was I in the wrong for allowing my kids to watch Coachella in the first place and was 6 too young.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. At all.
Billie Eilish tends to be very PG at her concerts and her songs don’t have inappropriate language as far as I’m aware.
The father definitely overreacted to an extreme, and if he felt THIS passionately about it, he would have mentioned it beforehand to avoid this unnecessary incident.
With simply calling and saying ‘I don’t want my child to watch this’ was enough.” moni_talksstuff
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here but them more than you.
Different families have different views on age ratings and what’s appropriate. You need parental permission for anything which could possibly be controversial and for a 6y Bille Eilish is controversial.
For the 11yos it would have been fine. You as a parent can choose to be fine with your 6yo watching (it’s not horrifically inappropriate) but you can’t make that decision for others’ kids.
The father shouldn’t have been threatening and clearly crossed a line. He’s a big jerk too! But plenty of parents would have been annoyed with what you did.” Competitive-Proof410
Another User Comments:
“Here’s the issue…
what you find ok for your children at any age, is your choice. BUT, it is not necessarily anyone else’s choice. Having other children over and NOT letting their folks know ahead of time what you were planning is the issue and also a lack of common courtesy.
Mica’s dad was angry and should have said what he needed to say and taken his kiddo and left. How sad he did not, however, the 911 call should have been made by you, the adult. They could have heard him being loud, they could have heard you asking nicely to leave because he was scaring everyone, they could have heard you say, I have 911 on the line, they are recording this, they are sending the police, etc.
I do not think you are the jerk for letting your kiddos see whatever you are ok with them seeing. Those are your children and your choice. But, I would say you really should have considered letting the other parents know ahead of time what their kids would be watching and they could have made the choice to send or not send their kids to your house.” GrayHerman
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here but you, not so much you maybe should have asked their parents.
But I can see where you may have overlooked it because Billie Elish doesn’t dress provocatively or do dancing that can be too mature like other artists at Coachella but some of her songs talk about depression and mental health which some parents may still find inappropriate.
But that father was way out of line.
To me saying it’s evil is a little overboard. But also if he was yelling to the point that children were scared that is not okay. Also if the operator heard it and was concerned enough to send out cops that say something because they are trained to know when sending police is needed.
There is also a chance that the father exaggerated to the parents what they watched to make himself look better.
Because of all the artists that do Coachella, she is milder so not everyone would find her inappropriate. But as I said you should have asked because everyone has different parenting styles and different rules for their children so to just assume that they will be okay with something just because you are isn’t always going to work out.” cara1888
11. AITJ For Asking My Ex To Take Down His Post?
“My ex-partner (18yr old male) and I (20yr old female) split up when I was 16 weeks pregnant with our first child. I’m a very private person and don’t like I lot of attention, whereas he thrives when all the attention is on him. He wanted to throw a gender reveal party and I didn’t but I agreed when we were still together because I wanted him to be happy.
When we split up, I made the choice not to attend as long as he was okay with me knowing the gender and not saying anything until after he found out at the party he was throwing. He agreed that this was okay. I kept it to myself for 2 weeks after a private scan and I haven’t told anyone.
He had the party today and agreed not to post anything until after we have had our next scan in 2 days so that we could double-check before putting it all over social media. I even confirmed this with him today.
He had different ideas and he and his friends posted them on social media, one of which has thousands of followers, some of which include family and friends of mine.
I feel like I had the chance to announce my baby’s gender with him taken from me and I told him it made me really upset and asked him if he and his friends could please take the posts down. He has made this a difficult and stressful pregnancy so far and this was just the last straw for me.
He hung up on me while I was crying and ignored me for an hour but eventually deleted the post and got his friends to do the same but has been very harsh and ignorant about my feelings.
Am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It was a reasonable request and he went behind your back to post about it so he could bask in ‘the likes’ and attention it would receive.
Not cool and shows a definite immaturity on his part. I hope he grows up enough in time to support you and the baby when he/she arrives.
Don’t listen to all the posts. You shouldn’t be worrying about gender reveal… you didn’t want one or have one and yes it is his baby too, which means it is a ‘two yeses or it’s a no’ decision.
Good luck and congratulations!” Shadowmist0789
Another User Comments:
“No one here is the jerk. I understand both sides of this situation. I do have to point out that it’s great that he’s excited about being a father. You two are going to be very loving parents with two different parenting styles and that will be a good thing for your kiddo.
Don’t stress out, come up with a plan to co-parent, and definitely communicate with each other. I’m sure you already know that your baby is the number one priority and having a healthy relationship as parents is important. Good luck and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.
Kids are the best!” Tiredmama6
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
He agreed not to post anything until the next 2 days, so then he went against that. All he had to do was WAIT 2 DAYS and repost his pictures and videos. And I bet he didn’t even tell his friends about your agreement.
If they had previously agreed, yes it’s his baby but he went against the agreement with the mother. I think he’s the jerk in my opinion.
What a way to show he ‘sticks to his word’ to his baby’s mom.” Final-Mail-6959
Another User Comments:
“I’m teetering on slightly NTJ, but also ‘everyone sucks here.’ Why slightly NTJ: you had an agreement with him and confirmed it multiple times, and he still broke it, which was a very jerk thing of him to do.
Why ‘everyone sucks here’: it’s just gender. If you two are having disagreements about something this trivial so early on, what other dumb things are you going to argue about once the child is born? Focus on raising a healthy child, not stupid things like who gets to reveal X trivial thing about them to everyone.” lightvvv350
10. AITJ For Not Co-Signing For My Friend?
“I (46m at the time) have been friends with a woman ‘Marie’ for nearly 20 years. We’re not super close friends but have known each other through family and have always considered us to be family as well. She has a daughter, ‘Jessica’ (19f at the time) who was going to school full time and working part-time.
Marie has always been a single mother, so finances were always tight for them. I don’t speak to them on a daily basis but we’ve always kept in touch.
Jessica sent me a text one day, stating that she had been saving up for a car she wanted for nearly a year but was still $2000 short.
She explained that she went to school full-time and worked part-time and between school and paying people for gas money to drive her back and forth places, it was taking a while to save up. She said she had $8000 to put down already and asked if I could co-sign for the rest ($2000).
Jessica didn’t have a credit history at all being young and the bank didn’t want to give her the loan without a co-sign. She said it was difficult finding rides (this was before Uber) to get her to school and work and it would take her a few more months to save the rest of it.
She wanted my help so she could get the car sooner and not have to rely on others. I was the only person she knew who could help. She made it clear she wasn’t asking for a gift or to borrow the moolah. I have a great job and certainly could have afforded the payments if she had stopped paying but in the end, decided it wasn’t my responsibility and I didn’t want the hassle if things went south.
I sent her back a text politely apologizing but declining to help. She replied saying she had never asked me for anything and she found it hurtful that I wouldn’t help her when she really could use the help and had no one else (her mom and the rest of her family have bad credit).
She said she would never ask me for anything again and that was the end of it, I didn’t respond. I later found out through her mom that she did eventually save up the rest of the funds and bought the car in full. She has since graduated college and does well in life, but she stayed true to her word and has never contacted me again.
AITJ?
Edit- to those asking why I still think about it or saying she was trying to blackmail me, I feel like I should explain. I’ve known her since she was born and throughout the years have offered to help in different situations. When she was in high school I did offer to pay half on a car for her if she kept her grades up but she wanted to do it herself.
It wasn’t until a year or two later when she realized how hard working and school was that she asked me to co-sign. She felt hurt because I had previously offered to help her in a larger way so she didn’t think asking me to co-sign was asking for a lot.
And I am still friends with her mother.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
‘She replied saying she had never asked me for anything and she found it hurtful that I wouldn’t help her when she really could use the help and had no one else (her mom and the rest of her family have bad credit).’
Why is she making it sound as though you are her father that didn’t pay child support and abandoned her and her mother?
She was literally trying to guilt-trip you into cosigning the papers.
You were not obligated to cosign for anything. She wants a car, she can work and save up funds for it, which she eventually did. You need to stop thinking about this and move on with your life.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, when doing favor related to finances, it’s always a tough call.
And most likely you will be losing the friend anyways. I have personally lent out moolah a few times. And more often than that after I lend the money out, they didn’t pay it back, and the friendship ended. Since she was able to work it out and buy the car, that’s wonderful news for her.
However, you have no obligation to co-sign for anyone. Especially being pushed/guilted into something like this. Never ends well from my past experience.” Aristo_qttw1021
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It was not your responsibility and you didn’t feel comfortable. That is more than enough reason to say no.
If you did end up having to make the payments, there may have been resentment or possible legal action. Probably would have ruined the relationship anyway.
Mixing finances and friendship is always a dangerous game.” Illustrious-Horse276
9. AITJ For Not Helping My Mom Around The House?
“I (18F) just recently became an adult and I’m seriously struggling with how my mom acts towards me in regard to how I am around the house. The main source of our arguments is the dog we got when I had just turned 15. So she planned on getting one in her later years.
I wanted a dog too, but I had no idea raising the dog would be so frustrating. My mom did no research on the breed before buying it off craigslist. She actually had rushed to buy him because she thought it would be an easy way to keep me home.
She gave me a choice that day, saying we could either get a puppy or I could go to the mall for the first time with my new friends.
For context, I had not hung out with people my age for over 5 years because she homeschooled me, leaving me completely isolated.
She had kept me from the mall and my friends before this as well, lying to me and saying the mall in town was a desolate, empty space that didn’t even have a good court or any stores aside from a clothing store. I did not learn until almost a year later that this wasn’t true and the mall had a massive food court and fun stores.
The dog we got that day, she told me would be trained to be a proper guard dog and I would have an easy time with him. She never put him in training and the breed is not a good breed for guard dogs at all! I had no clue.
Fast forward a couple of years to now, my poor dog is littered with issues and had been wearing a cone for over a year because he cannot stop itching. He has many special needs that make it incredibly taxing to deal with him. She is constantly calling me to the living room and requests that I ‘Play with the dog’ or ‘see what the dog wants’ or ‘stop him from itching.’ It is true that my mom does a lot, and I don’t doubt she’s tired, but recently I am getting increasingly frustrated with him and avoid helping with him sometimes.
My mom claims I have it so easy, sitting in my room all day.
Honestly sitting in my room is all I have. I have to stay home 24/7 to help with the dog, as he can’t be alone. I have a couple of other responsibilities that I know I’m failing at.
I have very little to do, or even reasons to get out of bed. I’m not allowed to see my friends very often, I go months at a time without seeing them even though I live very close. I’m just now allowed to go anywhere because she said she needs help and that I’m doing nothing to earn going out as much as I do (every few months) and says I shouldn’t even be complaining.
She shouts at me a lot and often brings up how frustrating it is that I’m depressed and have anxiety.
There are days I completely give up helping around our apartment and just lay in bed. I contribute NOTHING aside from the very little I already do.
And I complain about the very little amount of things I do have to do. I’m constantly irritable. Is anything I’m feeling or doing even valid? Or am I just being a bad kid? Be brutal if you have to please.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. However, this situation goes beyond what this platform can do.
Your mom sounds like she may be emotionally abusing you by trying to keep you tethered and lying about things. Your guilt is a result of her manipulation.
Additionally, the dog should be given up to someone who has the resources and time to train them. If the dog is wearing a cone 24/7, that is really unhealthy.
If you and your mom are not able to provide the dog with good care, the most humane thing to do is provide them with a better home.” anarchyshift
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. She’s clearly abusing you and I’m sorry about that. On the other hand, you should contribute to chores (such as dog care) around the house as you are 18.
It’s fair of her to expect you to help out (but not how she is asking for it) and you should pull your weight.” skorforsure
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I do agree with other commenters that you might as well put the dog up for rehoming because this dynamic isn’t working for anyone in it.
Your mother is definitely tired and very likely incredibly emotional with you becoming an adult and she’s not thinking very clearly about the way she’s taking her emotions out onto you, ex: blaming your mental health, shouting, etc.
However, I think you also need to take ownership of the responsibilities you DO have.
Like said, I think the dog is just not working for either of you guys and, in my opinion, sounds like it was not brought into the household under the healthiest of consequences, being rushed, seeming to be a thing for your mom to hold over your head, but if you’ve tried to work with the dog for years and it’s still just not working, it’s time to find him a home and family that WILL be able to give him what he needs.
Certainly not the pound, but PLEASE don’t dump him onto a stranger. He deserves to find a new family to care for him and fully address his needs. And remember that experience in the future. There are reasons people discourage buying pets on impulse/for children/certain breeds for jobs/etc, and this is a great example of it failing.
Learn from it and don’t repeat it. But that will leave a lot more breathing room for you. Breathing room to hopefully get out of the house, jumpstart your own motivations and goals in life, and realize if you want to live a certain way, you have to be the one to make it happen.
Think about ways to get out of your mom’s house, think about furthering your education or career, find a job you won’t like but will allow you to grow as a person and worker, and get out on your own. It’s not glamorous and it doesn’t get easier, but welcome to adulthood.
It comes with freedoms—going out with your friends you want, finding hobbies, not feeling you owe anyone but yourself—but only when YOU take control of it.
From one young person in the world trying to figure it out to another, good luck out there. Your mother probably loves you very much and struggles in her own way with wanting you around because she loves you, and you can help her out.” shiggacnh
Another User Comments:
“I don’t even want to finish your whole story and want to say ‘everyone sucks here’.
Both of you are jerks. Please, find the poor dog a new home if you guys don’t have the means to take care of it properly. Also, just because some dogs are not naturally better at doing certain tasks, doesn’t mean that they cannot be trained.
Obviously, none of you two wants to spend time with him just want to magically make him the ‘perfect dog in your life’ kid, this is not how that works.
Aside for your poor dog, your mother could be overly controlling or protective depending on how you put it.
I understand that being a teenager is tough and you want friends, but being a single mom (I’m assuming so since you have not mentioned any father figure in your word) is a tough job. You both seem to like you are struggling in life. What really needed is to sit down and talk to each other about issues and try to overcome the struggle, either seeking professional help or not.” Aristo_qttw1021
8. AITJ For Wanting A Break After My Grandpa Passed Away?
“My (26f) grandpa passed away a few days ago, and whilst we weren’t very close in recent years, I do hold a lot of regrets regarding our relationship, and am taking his passing much much harder than expected. I went to the hospital with my family the night he passed, to go see him one last time.
My partner (24m) was there when I got the call. He knew I was very anxious about seeing my grandpa’s body. I got to the hospital and had a massive panic attack, but finally mustered the courage to say goodbye – this was very traumatic for me.
I call my partner to tell him I would be staying with my parents and came back home to him playing games on my PC. I packed my bag as I silently cried – all I wanted was for him to come to help me or hold me or something, but instead he kept gaming.
He got up briefly to hug me and then sat back down again. I had to come into the study to say goodbye to him, but there was no ‘are you okay?’
The next day I felt awful. I have not felt grief like this in my life.
I did not have the energy to talk to anyone – even my parents, who I made sure know they can rely on me during this hard time. I couldn’t call anyone, text, or leave my house. I needed to be totally isolated or I felt like I was going to implode in on myself, it was awful.
I texted my bf briefly to give him the heads-up that I was having a bad day and I couldn’t deal with anything.
My partner seemed fine all day – he had work and never texted during his shift. Before going to bed he states ‘I’m feeling pretty sad tonight, good night’.
I tell him it’s unfair to end the night with that, and that I’ll be worried all night if he doesn’t tell me what’s going on. He texts me that he hurt himself at work that day and that I would know this if I had just thought to call.
I slept for most of today – waking up at 5 pm. He works from 6-11. I start texting him as soon as I woke up – surprised that I didn’t wake up to any texts like I usually would. I text him throughout the night (something he has asked me to do, he enjoys spam texting).
He starts replying almost 20 minutes after his shift (this is very unusual) and when I ask ‘oh did you just finish?’ He says ‘oh no I’m in bed.’
We start having a massive argument over text, where he blames me for not calling, and that it made him feel unloved and unwanted, and when I tried to explain that I wanted to but it didn’t seem like he did, he asks ‘oh well why didn’t you just call if you really wanted to?’ I brought up that I had texted him all day, and didn’t hear from him – to which he said, ‘it felt forced, and I thought you only did it because you know I like you spam texting me.’
Not once has he asked how I am over the last few days, but he’s made it clear how he is.
I know I asked for space, but I feel like it’s common sense to check-in. I’m starting to feel really guilty and selfish, and that I’ve asked for too much. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – it’s pretty split. Your SO should always check in on you, but you asking for space means that they may want to give you complete space and not text or ‘bother’ you.
Tbh just feel like it’s poor communication.” Runaway454
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Please ignore those saying you were. You did nothing wrong. A relationship is supposed to be a partnership. I wonder, do you do most of the emotional work in this relationship? Because it seems that when you stop, he turns into an entitled jerk.
Think about whether this is the truth because if it is, it’s not a relationship you want to stay in.” Morningsuck_123
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You say one thing but want the opposite and then hold it against him when he does what you asked. Tell him what you want.
You are being toxic and unreasonable. Learn to communicate more openly. People aren’t mind readers.” xntrk1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m so sorry for your loss. Each one of us experiences grief in a different way, and your behavior is totally understandable. I think at first your bf really didn’t know how to act, and it’s not like he was close to your grandpa, so it’s not something that affected him or made him sad, which is ok.
But one would expect that he would care about YOU, and how you are feeling during such a tough time. Even if you did ask for space, he should at least seem to care from a distance, which I haven’t seen in any of his words. It just seems like he’s all about himself right now (‘I’m feeling unloved and unwanted’).” Comfortable-Ad-1554
7. AITJ For Telling My Neighbor To Focus More On Her Husband?
“So I (35F) am a single mother and my daughter is 10 years old, the father was never in the picture.
I moved into my neighborhood almost 7 years now and there weren’t any serious issues, most of my neighbors are friendly and my daughter is friends with their children.
Well, I have this one neighbor, let’s call her ‘Teresa’ and she’s a problematic neighbor, the neighbors don’t find her very pleasing to be around, the thing is she seems to have something against me.
My daughter is friendly enough so she likes to approach other kids to make friends, she tried to be friends with Teresa’s son but he started crying and Teresa told her to stay away from her son, which I find it harsh, my daughter felt bad about it but I said it’s okay and to just leave Teresa’s son alone.
Teresa would always show up at my house unannounced, eats my snacks, and even took my daughter’s sweets from the kitchen, confronted her about it but she said her house is far away.
Oh not to mention, she stole my favorite perfume, for which I sold my liver, no just kidding, well it’s a bit pricey but I’ve been using this perfume since I was in high school, didn’t wanna confront her about it, and had a hard time letting it go.
And, she asked me where’s the father and why isn’t he there (which I don’t mind people asking) and I told her he was out of the picture, she then kept asking me why now I don’t like to share that, I kept telling her to stop, and then she said ‘I just wanna know what kind of a woman you are’ and laughs about it, nosy.
Then, she also accused me of seducing her husband. Now, number 1, I have never, EVER talked to him alone, yes we did meet in the park because my daughter wanted to go there and somehow the husband and the son were there as well, I kept the conversation as short as possible because he made me uncomfortable.
There are some places we run into but that’s it.
Anyway, when I arrived at the school, my daughter is in and I saw her upset and on verge of tears. She ran to me and hugged me tight, I asked her what happened and she told me that Teresa’s son told her that he’s so lucky to have a father unlike him, my daughter said Teresa also joined and said that her father doesn’t want her that’s why he’s not here with her.
I wasn’t mad, I was furious.
That day I went to Teresa’s house and told her she had no right to tell my daughter what she said earlier, she said ‘the truth hurts, she needs to know the truth’ and proceed to tell me how lucky she is that she’s not a single mother, I then said that ‘you’re focusing on me too much you didn’t know what your husband has been doing.’ She asked what I meant, I then told her that while I was at the grocery store, I saw her husband, buying contraceptives and beers, with a woman in his arm, which is true.
Her face was red, and she accused me of lying. I said the truth hurts, you need to know the truth, when I left I told some of my friends, and they told me I’m a bit harsh for that, I mean, I need to help Teresa put her eyes on her husband, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I suggest picking up some Ring cameras and changing the locks if she has a key or a possibility of having a key.
She may retaliate, she sounds like the type who would come and do a bit of vandalism. I would also suggest spending extra time with your kid, and having another conversation with her about how what they said was just cruel and malicious, that you’ve confronted Teresa about it, and that she is permabanned.
It’s important that she knows how seriously you are taking it and that you stepped up. I loved how you threw her words back at her, by the way!” Forward-City543
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Your daughter would not have gotten traumatized if you had cut Teresa from your social circle long ago.
I am not exactly sure what you have been trying to do by continuing to engage with her but you should have stopped. Teresa sucks because she has been mean and hateful to a child.” moew4974
Another User Comments:
“NTJ!
That’s a great way to scar a child, your poor kid will probably think about that for years! I hope you gave her some cuddles to make her feel better & loved.
Teresa sounds like she’s using you as a way to distract from her own issues and feel better about things, like ‘My husband might be being unfaithful, possibly even with her, but at least I’m better’ type of deal. You should refuse her from your home, just shut the door on her!” Majestic_Internet741
6. AITJ For Not Wanting To Visit My Partner's Parents Anymore?
“I (38f) have been with my partner (38m) for over a year and we have been living together for the last four months.
His parents do not live close by so we don’t see them too often, but we have tried.
We are due to go down in May for a visit and I have been unwell lately with blood pressure issues.
Also, there is no getting around it, I am fat. I am aware this is not helping my blood pressure issues and I am working on this with my doctor, a nutritionist, and a personal trainer.
Anyways, my partner was on the phone with his parents on loudspeaker and I wasn’t intentionally listening but hard not to when it was on loudspeaker.
His mother asked after me and then made a comment about me losing weight yet as I need to and how I would be prettier if I lost weight as I have a fat face.
I was a little hurt by this as I am not defined only by my weight.
My partner tells me all the time I am beautiful and he loves me as I am and he said his mother is always telling him to lose weight and has commented on the weight of his past partners and to just ignore it.
Thing is, I have an unhealthy relationship with food as I use it as an emotional crutch and I am working on this and have been for a while.
My grandmother and aunt were always really abusive to me about food, they would feed me and then call me fat, they would pile my plate high and when I did eat the food, I would be teased and humiliated. When I began making myself sick after meals, they said I was just weak and now any comments about my weight just put me in a bad place mentally.
I get that comments like this shouldn’t bother me but they did.
I know that I won’t feel comfortable around his mother right now because of this.
WIBTJ if I chose not to go on the trip in May?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but your relationship is showing serious red flags.
Your partner’s mother shouldn’t be that uncomfortable talking about your weight with him. The fact that she is is a sign that he feels the same way deep down. This honestly sounds like a relationship you need to get out of while you work on your relationship with food and health/weight issues.” Traditional_Curve40
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
First of all, his mother‘s comments were oblivious and cruel and discriminatory and ignorant. And, did I say cruel? Just mean. But it’s not her business, not any of that. It’s between you and your partner. Number two, when we have stress-related compulsive eating, and people obliviously make comments, all they do is fuel the whole thing.
Then it’s absolutely impossible to get ourselves settled again so that we can slowly re-cultivate a healthy relationship with food.
She’s pretty much condemned her relationship with you by thinking it’s OK to talk about you like that with her kid. Too bad for her that you heard.
It’s really important that you be very careful about when you are in proximity to her now.
Now that you know who she is. And by the way, overeaters anonymous is the most incredible 12-step program. People get to know in tiny baby steps and slowly the unconscious mind is stabilized and nourished and the commonality results in people feeling safe and cared about.
And then all the healing begins. Best of luck taking really good care of yourself. Make sure to listen carefully to yourself.” mcclgwe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ AT ALL for wanting to be away from people who make you feel uncomfortable and ugly. Your partner’s mother was very rude & even if you weren’t there to hear it, she shouldn’t say things like ‘oh they’d be pretty if they were thinner’. Very narrow-minded.” User
5. AITJ For Not Wanting To Sleep With My Partner?
“I (22M) share an apartment with my best friend, Mike (22M), and Mike’s partner, Daisy (23F). We only have two bedrooms. Daisy is a heavier lady (she prefers the term ‘big boned’). She also has sleep apnea. For these reasons, Daisy has her own bedroom. Mike and I share the other bedroom.
I have been with my partner, Shandy (25F), for four months now. She was over at our place watching a movie with us last night and decided to spend the night. Shandy knows about our sleeping arrangements and doesn’t have a problem with it, but she assumed that she’d sleep in my bed with me when she stayed over.
I don’t blame her for assuming this because this is the first time she’s spent the night, but there’s only space for one double bed in my and Mike’s bedroom and he and I share it together. Mike has a bad back and is too tall to sleep on the couch in our living room, and it would be rude of me to ask him to give up his part of the bed for my guest.
I’d sleep on the couch and let Shandy take my part of the bed, but I didn’t think Mike would be comfortable with that, so I didn’t offer to.
I told Shandy that she could sleep on the couch and I’d bring her a pillow and blankets.
She asked if she could just sleep with me, and I explained to her why she couldn’t. Shandy seemed fine with this, and we all went to bed normally. However, she left quickly this morning, and, when I called and asked if everything was alright, she said she was a little disappointed we couldn’t sleep together and was upset that I ‘chose Mike’ over her.
This made me feel bad because my intention was never to upset her, so I’m wondering if I’m the jerk for not finding a way to allow Shandy to sleep with me.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here but tell Mike he needs to start sharing a room with his partner.
I’ve dealt with dozens of people with sleep apnea, having worked night shift in a hospital for a couple of years, and CPAPs (continuous positive airway pressure) aren’t terribly loud, Mike will get used to the noise. If she doesn’t have one, she needs to get one, and if she doesn’t need one there are alternatives for more minor cases.
Do some research, and (nicely) inform Mike and Daisy that your current living situation is starting to impact your relationship. It’s just not fair to you.” rinkitinkitink
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to say a gentle YTJ on this one.
I honestly wonder how old or how many relationships you have had.
Not in an insulting way, but because there are a lot of expectations that are present in relationships, and it really seems you could be innocently oblivious rather than maliciously ignorant.
You paid for your space, and your inability to speak up to defend it when you needed it, is going to be a red flag for Shandy.
Mike, no matter how good a reason, does not outweigh your right to use your room how you deem to. Shandy is upset because while you may have not thought there was a choice, no choice is a choice. You just ‘laid’ down and took it that Mike was going to stop you from spending quality intimate time with Shandy.
If you can’t defend your own space for your own benefit and that of Shandy’s. Is Shandy now asking herself whether you will have the backbone to support her in future serious or difficult situations? This single situation has the commenters convinced it’s a resounding ‘no’.
Hopefully, she gives you another chance to shine.” AnthropomorphizedAI
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but your living situation is messed up. I wouldn’t want to date anyone who shares a bed with someone else, especially a small one. In a 2 bedroom with 3 people, the couple should sleep together in the same room or one sleeps in the living room but lives in the same bedroom.
I would suspect they would want their own privacy from you anyway. There are also things you can do to treat sleep apnea. But don’t expect to find a love life while sharing a bed with someone else. Imagine how you would feel if you saw your partner in bed with another guy?” PizzaTacoCat312
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
This is weird. Like, really weird.
You’ve said in your reply that you’re waiting until you’re engaged at least to sleep together (which won’t be anytime soon I can imagine given that you’ve only been together for 4 months and this is the first time she’s slept over), but that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t want to spend time with you and share a bed.
You can have intimacy without being intimate, y’know?
I don’t see how you’re going to maintain a relationship with anybody if you’re spooning with Mike every night. Mike and Daisy are a couple, there’s no reason that they should be spread across two bedrooms. If you want to continue to be in a relationship with Shandy, Mike and Daisy are going to have to find a way to sleep together, regardless of the sleep apnea or the big bones.
I can’t speak for Shandy, but I can say that this would be an immediate dealbreaker for like 99% of people.” Rygumb
4. AITJ For Telling My Mom That She's Affecting My Love Life?
“I (21F) want to take the next step with my partner (22M), but I can’t stop hearing my mother’s words about my weight. She’s always telling me that I’m overweight in some way, but when she compliments me it’s off-handed like she doesn’t even care.
Whenever my partner and I try to have fun.
Her words echo and it stops us every time. He’s always reassuring me that my weight doesn’t matter and says that I don’t even look fat. They reassure me for a short while but it’s not enough.
My anger at her just boiled over and I told her that she was getting in the way of my love life.
We separated ourselves from each other for like an hour before I went to find her. She was disturbed and responded with the whole ‘how dare you you put the blame on me’ and ‘that’s not my fault’ lines.
I don’t think I’m the jerk, but I can’t help but feel like I am.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your mother is a bad parent. Her job is to build you up, not knock you down.
Your mantra needs to be: ‘I am loveable. I am worthy! I am confident!’ Drown out your mother’s voice. You deserve happiness.” User
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ and your mother is the toxic jerk she is (sorry but not sorry I say this but she is).
If I was your partner or one of your friends, I would gladly give your mother a piece of my mind and tell her to stop knocking you down.
You focus on yourself and your partner and go in low contact with her until she learns what she is doing is wrong. If she carries on this way, be very prepared to go no contact. In the meantime, please go for counseling or therapy to help you heal and unload whatever mental baggage that mother of yours put on you.” KangarooOk2190
3. AITJ For Wanting My Cat To Stay Indoors?
“I (27F) and my partner (36M) moved into his parents’ house with our son (18 months) and our indoor cat (1.5). His parents have a 1-year-old dog who likes to chase him and our cat is getting used to him. Our cat has gotten out a few times and now he waits and watches for when the door opens.
This has resulted in him getting out back or out front. My partner and I will watch for the cat before we step outside so we can block him with our feet but his parents won’t be considerate enough to check if the cat is nearby or not.
They also like to leave the doors wide open for the dog even after I have asked once the dog is either inside or out to please shut it.
Every time the cat gets out I am having to chase him in our neighbor’s yard (which they said they don’t mind) and to make sure he doesn’t get hit by cars.
The other night I was outside at 10 pm trying to get him away from a skunk in our neighbor’s yard.
I am tired of having the first thing I do at 7 am is chase my cat outside because I can’t be respected enough to make sure the cat doesn’t get out.
My FIL insists my cat stays outside but I feel like since it’s not their cat, that’s not their decision. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re being a responsible cat owner. If you are able to id try to compromise by getting a doggy door that locks and will unlock if the pet with the matching sensor/fob thing gets really close or tries to use it.
The ones like that would prob be $$ but maybe you guys could split or something.” Kirsi-_-
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Find your own home. You can make your own rules there.
Your living there is enough of an inconvenience without you harassing them about changing their habits.” Initial_Number_4747
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your cat should definitely not be an outdoor cat for several profound reasons: outdoor cats transmit dangerous diseases (rabies and toxoplasmosis among others) which put your very young child at risk.
They live half as long as indoor cats. They are the number one killers of wild birds.
I think your inlaws should respect your wishes, even if being an outdoor cat was not a big deal, just because of basic respect and decency. But in this case, I would definitely present them with the fact, that their laziness is endangering their grandchild.” anarres_urras
Another User Comments:
“What you’re probably missing is that this oversight on your in-law’s part is likely intentional and meant to hasten your departure. It’s never a good idea to live with in-laws (especially if you’re not paying rent and so have zero rights in the household). Sounds like everyone sucks here.” DplusLplusKplusM
2. AITJ For Wanting My Sister To Move Out?
“Even though I was very reluctant about it, the plan was for my sister and her kids to move in with me and my family temporarily so she can pay off student loans and save for a house. This was 4 or 5 years ago. I have a fairly large house and all of our kids were smaller at the time so it was feasible.
After about 2.5 years of living with me, she was able to pay off her student loans and her car loan, but since then she’s been reluctant about finding a place of her own. She’s a single mother, but she makes a decent salary by herself.
Roughly $100k/year. Household median income around here is about $65k/year. She keeps targeting homes that are just out of her price range and then turning them down once her offers are accepted. Of course today the housing market has completely passed her by. I think she’s afraid of living on her own and losing the disposable income she has right now.
My kids are getting older and would like to have rooms of their own plus I would like to enjoy the privacy of my own home with just my family and myself.
She’s had ample opportunity to move out and my patience is running thin. AITJ for wanting her to move out while the housing market is unaffordable?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
She’s overstayed her welcome and is taking advantage of you if she thinks she can’t afford anything on a $100,00k income. It’s time to set a move-out date now, although ideally that should have been agreed upon before even moving in. Sorry, I know that’s not helpful, but live and learn as they say.
Arrangements like this always end badly.” seeminglyokay44
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It is easy for her to continue to take advantage of you and not bother to get it together. Now is a good time to give her notice and let her kids finish off the school year.
Tell her that now that your kids are whatever age they are, they need their own bedrooms. Tell her that she has to be out by the first of the month after school is over. Look over the rental ordinances in your jurisdiction in case she refuses to leave.
You may need to serve her an eviction notice. This gives you time to do this and still get her out and in a new school for her kids for the fall. Best of luck on this.” LilyGrowsFromMud
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re not the villain here. When someone provides you with a place to stay, in an emergency or so you can save money, your first priority needs to be getting your own place again as soon as possible.
From your story, it’s clear she had the opportunity to do that long ago. She has deliberately chosen to stay at your place as long as possible, likely because of the financial benefits. So the only way she’s leaving is if you tell her it’s time to leave. The price of things now is not your fault and not your problem.” disruptionisbliss
1. AITJ For Refusing To Talk To The School Social Worker?
“I am a seventh grader in middle school and I have anxiety disorder and other things which cause me to have an IEP. For those of you who don’t know what an IEP is, it’s a plan that gives kids extra help at school. So I was recently banned from going on the seventh-grade trip because of my anxiety disorder and I was very upset so I told the school social worker how I felt.
All was going fine as I was telling her what happened until she says are you just going to sit there and rant at me or are we going to be productive. Which I was very shocked as she is a social worker. I couldn’t look at her and told her I didn’t wanna talk and she kept getting mad with me.
Fast forward to Friday, Within those couple of days, my mom had a talk with the school where things got pretty ugly so the school has been giving me almost no respect which I have been upset about. So I went to our group Friday still kinda mad with her from Monday and I didn’t talk when I got in because I had nothing to share and didn’t feel like talking.
She kicks me out of the room in front of other kids and I was upset but whatever.
So a couple of hours later I get called down to the office when I walk in I see the vice principal and social worker sitting there. After seeing them both together I already know what this was all about.
She tells me I was disrespectful for not wanting to talk and that I should not be ranting and being upset with her because apparently, this whole situation is my fault. I am livid but tried and keep myself cool but then they proceeded to say how I’m not trying hard enough to help myself and I need to stop doing things to help myself for both ways I have to help myself.
Then after that was done the social worker says I didn’t tell her I didn’t wanna talk which was not true but what I got more mad at was her saying I did respond but just it was with my head turned and unresponsive. Then she had the audacity to laugh at me so did the vice principal.
I did end up missing the seventh-grade trip which I was upset about because other kids had support in place but they refused to make sure I had support so I had the chance to go. So AITJ for now refusing to go to my social work appointments at school.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Any social worker or counselor worth anything would never laugh at an upset child, first of all. Especially one with a known anxiety disorder. Anyone working with kids, whether a counselor, principal, or teacher, should understand that sometimes when kids are upset, they can shut down and stop speaking.
This is not disrespect, it’s just how kids (and adults) react when they don’t know how to process their feelings, or when they feel that they might say something to upset the adults.
You said your mom went to school. It sounds like she is protective and understanding of your needs.
Tell her that the social worker and vice principal laughed at you. I know you’re the one suffering the consequences, but this is not your fight. If the social worker and the principal at your school do not want to give you the support you need, your mom may want to consider switching you to a different school, but keep in mind that it might not be so easy to do that.
No matter what, remember that you are tough and as long as you’re not screaming or insulting the social worker or principal, or teacher, you are not disrespecting them.
Struggling to process and express your feelings is not disrespect. Choosing to stay quiet because you are overwhelmed, stressed out, or upset is not disrespectful.
Excluding a child from an activity without taking their opinion into consideration, and then laughing at them when they express being upset about the decision IS disrespectful. Just because you’re young doesn’t mean that you are not entitled to respect yourself.” wadewilsontxt
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I am so sorry that happened to you.
I’m offended for you. You did nothing wrong. This woman sounds like someone on a huge ego trip who got into this career as a way to bully easy targets. If I were your mom, there would be a lot to pay. Please tell your mom to not let this drop.
Tell her to go above the principal’s head and demand that something be done. How you were treated is mind-blowing. Gee, I wonder why you don’t want to talk to this giant walking bag of fecal matter masquerading as a human? Just shameful. Just know you did nothing wrong and deserve respect.
Please ask your mom to not let this go, no matter how many brick walls she runs into at that school.” ChihuahuaMafia
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ, but, I really think you need to understand that in the public schools in the US (which I am assuming you are in) these people are placed there only for assistance.
A social worker is not a therapist, nor a clinical psychologist, and does not have that sort of background. He or she can listen, and even school counselors can do the same, but they are not there for true intervention, nor were they hired as such.
If you really need to be talking with someone of that sort, ask your parents if they can make an appointment for you with a medical professional. You also need to be very aware that many things that are said in meetings and or groups must be reported if any person, including a teacher, feels there may be harm to you in any way shape, or form. So, not all confidences can be or will be kept ‘a secret.’ I wish you luck and maybe with your parents’ help, find someone who can help you through some of the things going on!” GrayHerman
Metaspoon Slow or Crashing?
If Metaspoon is causing your browser to crash or run slowly, please try viewing the article in Lite Mode and it should run more smoothly!