People Chatter About Their Arguable "Am I The Jerk?" Stories

Even when people take advantage of them, some people are just too timid to speak up for themselves. As a result, many jerks feel empowered to intimidate those they perceive as weak. This is why it's important to know when to back down and when to stand up, even when doing so can sometimes make other people think we're jerks. Here are some stories from people who have had enough of being called jerks. They want us to listen to them and let them know whether we agree with what others are saying about them or not. Share your thoughts as you go through their stories below. AITJ = Am I the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk WIBTJ = Would I be the jerk? YTJ = You're the jerk

26. AITJ For Not Letting My Partner Drive Even Though She Was Complaining Of Motion Sickness?

“I (35M) have a partner (35F) who gets motion sickness. We have been in a long-distance relationship for 3+ years. When I go and visit her, she drives us everywhere and it’s not a problem.

When she comes to visit me, she puts on a motion sickness patch and I drive us everywhere and it’s not a problem. She’s not a bad driver, but she’s just not as cautious as I am – she likes to either hold my hand, or her hand on the shifter (even though she drives an automatic), and uses one hand to steer.

This weekend she came out to California to see me and we had planned a road trip from San Francisco going up Highway 101 to see the Redwoods, then coming back down on Highway 1 to see the coast. Everything was going fine until we hit a part of Highway 1 that got very windy. She insisted that she was getting very dizzy and sick with the constant turns and asked if she could drive us just through that section of the highway until we got back to a more stable route.

I said no, because the deal is that when she visits me I am the one who drives. She became a bit hysterical at this point and said she was going to vomit and asked me to pull over. The shoulder isn’t very wide and there isn’t really room for a car to pull over so I told her to just try and power through it as best she could.

At this point, she started crying and asked why I couldn’t just let her drive for that section, and that as soon as we got out of the windy part of the road I could just drive again. She kept pointing out spots that were wide enough for me to pull over for her to vomit or to switch drivers, but I just kept driving to get us out of that part of the road faster.

That part of the drive ended up only taking 30 more minutes after she started getting sick and by the time I was able to pull over, she rushed out of the car to vomit. The rest of the trip was ruined because she didn’t feel well (she said she had a bad headache and that her dizziness never subsided, but I think she was just whining).

I honestly think she was exaggerating how dizzy she was to get me to let her drive.

I don’t think I am the jerk because it was only 30 minutes and she was wearing her motion sickness patch, but she insists that I am a jerk because I couldn’t get over myself for 30 minutes to let her drive.”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. Getting motion sick is nothing to joke about. She was asking you to pull over so she could vomit and you made her wait? Wanted her to ‘power through’? I have no words. Do you actually like her? When it’s something as easy as letting her drive to fix a problem, get over your ego and let her drive.

You’re lucky she didn’t vomit in your lap.” RideAnotherDay

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. Thirty minutes can feel like an eternity when you’re feeling nauseous. It’s bad enough that you were completely uncompromising, but you sound really horrible when you say that you believe she was exaggerating her symptoms. You were beyond inconsiderate and you made a bad situation worse when you could have easily respected your partner’s wishes and avoided this situation altogether.” joanclaytonesq

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IDontKnow 6 months ago
YTJ. So really think she's a not cautious enough driver because she only has one hand on the steering wheel? Or do you have control issues along with the inability to be considerate?
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25. AITJ For Getting Calls From My Husband Who's In Military Training?

“My husband (21m) and I (21f) just got married in December 2021. His mother and I had a great relationship prior to getting married. Due to the global crisis, my husband going off to BMT (basic military training) any time, and my family living very far away, my husband and I opted for a courthouse wedding.

His mother said she wanted the best for him and refused to have that for her first son. After months of arguing, she finally decided to leave the decision to us. In the end, we tried to plan for a big wedding but found out that my husband was set for BMT in February. So we did the courthouse wedding and are planning another celebration a few years from now.

But during the wedding, my few guests and family on call had noticed how bitter his mother looked the entire day. Ever since then, we’ve had a very strained relationship.

He just recently graduated from BMT, about a month ago. BMT was 7 1/2 weeks and they got one call a week. I asked my husband for 3/7 calls he would be able to make.

I knew that we would be exchanging letters often, so I was okay with not receiving as many phone calls. I asked that he use the other phone calls on his parents. He called his father once and the rest had gone to me. His mother gave me a few snarky remarks about this. During BMT, she told me ‘I never knew what was going on because he’s never called’ or ‘I never got any calls but you did, how lucky for you.’ Even now that he’s in tech school, he has only given them a few calls.

I overheard his mother and her family talking on the phone one day about how his mother never received one call from him, only 1 letter from him, and that I was taking away her son from her (I’m not one to disrespect other’s privacy like this, but she knew I was in the house and her phone was on speaker).

Her niece reminded everyone that I mustn’t have remembered who was with my husband through everything (I’ve only been with my husband for a year and a half), his grandma made comments on my appearance, his dad said that there were other fish in the sea, and his aunt asked if I would be able to take care of him as good as his mother does.

They all called me a jerk for taking all the calls from them. I feel bad that his mother hadn’t received any calls, but my husband always chose to call me. I would even try to end my call with him early so he would get a chance to call his parents, but he always refused. So, AITJ for receiving and answering mostly all of the phone calls from my husband during BMT?”

Another User Comments:

“Your husband made the choice of who to call, not you. The fact that he didn’t call his mother even once speaks volumes, and not against you. He clearly did not care to speak to her for whatever reason, and she should be asking herself (and maybe him, once she gets the opportunity) why he chose not to call her instead of putting the blame on you for a decision you had zero control over.

Absolutely NTJ.” Briley_Breeze

Another User Comments:

“You’re NTJ. But if I were you, I would have been the jerk and called the MIL out while she was on speakerphone. I would have told her that YOU told your husband that you only wanted to take 3/7 calls. That if she wants to be mad at anyone, be mad at herself.

You’re definitely NTJ and your husband needs to lay down these boundaries with his mom immediately, or it will only get worse. Good luck as you deserve better.” jilizil

4 points - Liked by lebe, IDontKnow, LilVicky and 1 more
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IDontKnow 6 months ago
NTJ. Your husband chose to call you and not his mother. If I were her child, I wouldn't have wasted any of my few precious phone calls on her either. I also would have told her to take it up with her son because you tried to get him to call her.
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24. AITJ For Not Wanting My Daughter To Have Any More Kids?

“My husband, Rob (61M), and I (58F) have 2 kids – Erica (35F) and Mike (30M). Both kids are married but Erica and her husband Steve (38M) live nearby to us and this issue concerns them.

They work full-time and have 2 kids (5M & 4F). 5 years ago my daughter asked my husband and me if we would be willing to become their full-time childcare so she could continue to work and afford their comfortable life.

We agreed, but we didn’t discuss much more than watching the baby and their expectations. I was a teacher and retired 2 years before I could take my pension so my husband continued to work.

We made a few sacrifices like vacations and adding to our savings but we were able to make it work so I could take my full pension at 55 and my husband retired a year later.

Our arrangement worked and we enjoyed having the kids except by year 3 (2020) we started to feel like they were taking advantage of our help.

In 2020 during the global crisis, they were both working from home, they expected us to keep the kids all day, and we wanted to split the week since their preschool/daycare was closed. We settled on 2 with them and 3 with us and my SIL complained about it pretty much every day. Things got better when the kids went back to school.

Fast forward to year 4 (2021), we have a bit of a blowup over kindergarten. My daughter did not want 5M to start school in the unknown but I insisted that he needed to go because I needed the break. I also asked for 4F to spend more time at the preschool/daycare program, SIL complained about the cost but I pushed anyway.

They relented and then this past spring SIL pushed for us to take the kids for a week so they could go on a vacation, we said they had to take the kids and he said: ‘They couldn’t afford it.’ No one went on vacation.

Maybe that is too much background but I feel like the context is important for what I said.

My daughter and I were casually having a conversation the other day and she mentioned she had an OBGYN appointment and tests. I asked if everything was okay and she said Steve and her were trying for baby #3. I asked her what her childcare plan was and she looked at me like I was crazy and said us!

I said that it would have been nice if she told me this before trying for another baby, she said it is none of my business, and I said it is if I’m providing 5 more years of babysitting! I then told her that we were not a viable childcare option for a new baby and begged her to reconsider.

4F is going off to kindergarten, we feel like we are getting our days back to some extent and refuse to start all over again with an infant. Erica said we are making her choose between her dream of 3 kids and financial stability. I argued that she has two beautiful children and they are financially stable, they shouldn’t ruin that with another baby.

I might be a jerk because Erica feels like we should have told her sooner, I feel like I am not because I never agreed to a lifetime of raising their kids.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ but please remember this:

No one can treat you like a doormat without your permission.

You need to put your foot down 100% unequivocally that you are no longer, and will never again, be long-term childcare for ANY of their current or future children.

One-off babysitting is fine, but they need to figure out where their kids will go on a regular basis starting immediately.

And then do not cave into any cajoling, guilt trips, comparisons, begging, sob stories, etc. You have earned your retirement and are completely free to spend it any way you and your husband choose.

Period.” 99999999999999999989

Another User Comments:

“NTJ and they ARE taking advantage of you. Does your daughter not realize you are exhausted and should be a retiree now?

Please please set boundaries NOW… You need to manage their expectations before they make any decisions. Explain you will not be able to help with childcare anymore because you are exhausted. You are older and need to look after your own health and well-being… there is a reason people do not have young children in their late 50s.

Your daughter needs to know this now before she gets pregnant and you feel obliged to work for free and little thanks for another 5 years.” bunkbedgirl1989

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sctravelgma 5 months ago
No. That's a complete sentence. You will not be the caregiver for current or future children. Tell her you worked and raised your children but you are now entitled to your retirement and it is up to her to raise her own children. If they can't maintain the lifestyle they are enjoying by getting free child are, that is sonetjinv they need to address between the two of them. Explain that you and your husband no longer have a dog in that fight. You are being used so they can continue to wine and dine because they are getting all of theur childcare from you two. Glad you stood up and said no to keeping the kids so the two of them could take a vacation. When SIL complained they couldn't afford to take the 2 k7fs, that is ludicrous; kids are free staying in the same room as parents and their food costs would be minimal. It should be the two of you taking a child free vacation. Do not let them guilt you into doing this for another 5 years. You two go out and enjoy yoyrselves; you have already missed out on 5 good years. Tomorrow is never guaranteed; enjoy life today. Take a cruise, sign up for a new hobby class, do day trips and tours nearby (for exanple: a winery). Enjoy!
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23. AITJ For Not Wanting To Go To Family Dinner Or Host Them Anymore?

“My husband’s family has these bi-weekly family dinners where everyone takes turns hosting. My husband was out of them for years after he moved away for college and met me and we stayed close to where we met.

About a year ago we moved closer to be near family.

The global crisis definitely made us realize we wanted our future kids to grow up close to relatives. So we now live an hour from my family and 40 minutes from his. They started including us in the family dinners and we took a few turns, which turned out to be the worst thing ever. Our first time hosting our menu was picked apart, and I was asked why we weren’t as generous with the food as others had been.

We had plenty but it wasn’t expensive cuts of meat and a bunch of expensive sides we served.

The second time I felt terrible and decided to splurge. It was crazy and we didn’t serve as much food that time because we couldn’t afford it. Nothing was said but we felt it. My husband told his family we struggled for a bit after that week and they were like, that’s what you do for family.

He disliked it but also didn’t want to rock the boat.

The third time we hosted we thought we had found a happy medium. But no. There were negative comments yet again and some of it didn’t taste great because most of the ingredients we had never cooked with before and mistakes were made.

The last time we hosted was a short time after I gave birth to our daughter.

I had a crying baby who was sick and was functioning with very little sleep, and I wanted to impress my in-laws. So I was working on dishes as early as two days before, to slow cook certain elements, and then the day of I spent hours in the kitchen. They didn’t complain about the food but they had mentioned I made them uncomfortable acting as though I was ready to pass out and saying we weren’t the best hosts.

My husband put his foot down and said no more. I was with him then. We stopped attending dinners and stopped hosting them. They complained, they asked why, and they ignored why. Ultimately, my husband’s parents asked me directly why we no longer came and I told them. I said we had busted our butts to try and make them happy and nothing was enough so we realized their dinners would never be our thing.

My in-laws took offense to this. Said family dinners should be our thing when we’re part of the family.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“I wouldn’t have had them over again after the first time of complaining. You are a new family for goodness’ sake they should be happy you are hosting at all, kids are expensive, moving is expensive and they should be concerned about your happiness and well-being not how satisfied their fat butts are after you slave away over a meal. NTJ.

Family dinners are about being together and catching up with one another, the food is not the important part. My family after we had our first kid came over and made us food, brought the ingredients, and made frozen meals to help us out through the early days of having a new kid because that is HARD.” Kayp89

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. They asked, you answered. If family dinners were so important to them, they should have been happy with what you could afford to offer and focused on the people. Now they are unhappy with the results.

What’s wrong with holiday dinners and summer BBQs? If I were in your position, I’d host a July 4 or Labor Day Pot Luck BBQ (for both sides of the family) and be done with my in-law duty for the year.” kol_al

4 points - Liked by lebe, IDontKnow, LilVicky and 1 more
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IDontKnow 6 months ago
NTJ. If these dinners were really about family time, they wouldn't have expected so much and complained so much. If it was really about family time, freaking pizza should have been enough.
Your IL's sound like a bunch of pretentious, stuck-up snobs.
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22. AITJ For Asking My Partner To Replace The Rug That His Dogs Ruined?

“I (34F) moved in with my partner (28M) a year ago. In that time, his two huskies have destroyed a lot of my things.

I work from home and bought his dogs a set of IMPACT crates for when we are out of the house. Otherwise, they chew drywall, and even smash through windows. It’s safer for them, and now they like their crates because they’re for quiet time or food, not ever as a punishment.

I was out of town for a week, and came home to see my favorite area rug in the trash.

I asked why it was in the trash, and my partner explained that one of his dogs threw up poop on it (they eat their poop) and that the smell was awful.

I asked why it wasn’t cleaned, and he said he sprayed it outside with the hose, but nothing worked.

I mostly let it go because I was stunned, and because we’ve been having a lot of problems to do with lack of intimacy, his dogs, his money mismanagement, and him constantly being behind on bills.

I told him we’d replace it later.

It has been 2 weeks and I found the listing for my rug on Amazon. It’s $120. I sent it to him, and he asked what he was supposed to do with that. I told him to replace the area rug since his dogs ruined the last one.

He then got upset and said that he thought the room looked better without it, was easier to clean, and that he’s behind on bills, so it isn’t fair to ask.

I told him it wasn’t fair that his dogs ruined my carpet, that he didn’t use his work products (he’s a car detailer) to get the smell and the stain out, and that he never asked permission to throw it away.

He says lately I’ve been so focused on his money and hardship and should be able to let something so small go, especially when my salary is $20K more than his a year. I reminded him that I pay the majority of the bills, pay for all 3 (my own dog and his two) dogs’ food, and care for them all day when I’m home.

So the least he can do is replace what his dogs broke.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. But firstly those dogs sound neglected. Not talking about the kennel but about the fact that they eat their poop, and tear up the house? What’s that about? And I’m not saying you did anything, but something was definitely going on before you were in the picture.

Secondly, break up. Leave.” No-Study-8001

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. What is the point of this relationship? It sounds like stress, frustration, and destruction. The dogs aren’t being worked with or trained, your partner is behaving like an entitled child, and you’re bearing the brunt of the responsibility.

Serious question: what benefit are you getting out of this relationship?

I am not trying to be cruel, but I don’t see any reason to continue with this guy. He sounds like too much drama to be healthy. He certainly isn’t a good, adult partner. You can do so much better!” DarkAthena

4 points - Liked by lebe, IDontKnow, LilVicky and 1 more
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LilVicky 6 months ago
Why are you with this man/child? Besides being his sugar mama. How did he afford to live by himself before you moved in? How did you not know what his dogs were like before you moved in? That’s just too much, you need to dump him & find a better partner. NTJ
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21. AITJ For Not Letting My In-Laws Stay At "Their" House?

” “My hubby (30s m) and I (30s f) just moved into the house we bought. We bought it from his grandparents, who used to rent it. It took 5 months of nonstop cleaning and scrubbing to make it even semi-livable. The tenants destroyed the house. Both bathrooms need to be completely redone, new windows, new doors, new everything.

The amount of trash and mice poop was unbelievable! The grandparents lived here when they had kids but moved south and retired so rented it for a little over a decade. Saw what the tenants were doing to it when they’d visit, but wouldn’t kick them out. When they were here last and came into our home they kept saying ‘Wow!

So much work to do!’

Anyway, they have decided to come back to town for a family member’s bday. (They were JUST here for a few weeks but said they HAD to go back home. Left like 10 days ago.) Now they called us and said they are going to fly back up and surprise everyone and go to the bday party.

And also, they are going to stay with us. Normally they stay at his brother’s house up here because they have a whole basement apartment with a full bath, kitchen, and bedroom. But because they don’t want to have to buy any food, rent a car, or spend ANY $ they decided to stay here. In ‘their house’.

They also demanded a queen-size bed or larger. That I have milk and cream and coffee for them. And the food they like. They also will of course want to use my car. So they can ‘drive around’.

They told us all this today (Tuesday morning at 7 am) and the party is on Saturday. They will arrive on Friday AM.

The guest room is not a bedroom yet. It’s an empty room with some boxes. My son sleeps on a twin in his room and my hubby and I have a King in our room. And honestly, we spent every cent on buying and fixing this house. I don’t think I should have to 1) spend $ we don’t have for them to stay a few days 2) make them feel like this is still their house and 3) feel uncomfortable in my own home bc they didn’t just stay in town to begin with.

I put my foot down and said No. They can go stay where they always do. And if it’s that big of a deal, I will go buy them their milk, cereal, and whatever so they don’t have to. But they are not staying with us. Period. Now my hubby’s family (mom, dad, and brothers) are calling me a jerk.

Saying it’s no big deal. I said, if it’s no big deal then you guys can let them stay with you. Give up your car. But they insist that this is where they want to stay because it’s ‘home’ to them.

Am I being unreasonable? Am I the jerk?

Also, hubby doesn’t want them either but is a TOTAL daddy’s boy so won’t really speak up.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Stand your ground now, or this will be a reoccurring problem where the family feels that the house is communal property. Send a photo to all the inlaws with a picture of the room with the unpacked boxes and bluntly say you don’t have the time or resources to accommodate them.

Once you have said no, stop engaging. Leave them on read. You didn’t sign a contract with the purchase and sale agreement that states you are forever responsible for hosting.” ShootFrameHang

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. They haven’t lived there for years! This is a total power play and all the family wants you to give in because it’s easier for everyone except you.

But it’d set a precedent you definitely don’t want to have if you give in.

Set your own precedent – if you want to be a guest in my home, first ASK! Then lay out YOUR expectations for hosting family in the future.

Good on you for standing up for yourself! Stick to it!” Dramatic_Squirrel_82

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sctravelgma 5 months ago
Stand up for yourself and tell hubby to grow up and be a partner and not a wimp. Do not give in or you will always be an easy mark
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20. AITJ For Telling My Brother He's Dead To Me Over A Sculpture?

My brother is a fairly well-known artist in my area. He is a sculptor and a complete piece of crap.

My wife loves him and has always supported him. She would show everyone the sculpture he made for her and people would buy from him. Her sculpture is one of the very first ones he made after he got out of rehab for the millionth time.

He was at our house a month ago and he saw his sculpture. He said that he was embarrassed by how crappy it was compared to what he makes now. He asked if he could take it and rework it to make it better.

My wife agreed because she is an amazing and trusting woman.

He sold it. He sold it for $15,000 which wasn’t enough to pay off the people that he owed money to. He could have asked me for the money and I would have paid it. Instead, he broke my wife’s heart and I hate him for doing that.

I went to see him in the hospital and told him he was dead to me and to never come near my family again.

My mom called me to scream at me for putting more stress on him when he was at such a vulnerable point in his life. I told her that if she ever mentioned him to me again I would tell my kids to choose between her and me.

I know it seems extreme but you have no idea what this did to my wife.

My father called me to talk about it and said my mother was inconsolable. I told him that his other son stole not just a trashy piece of art but my wife’s belief in his redemption. I said that if my mother insisted on messing with me over her piece of crap son I would do what I said.

I am so angry right now that I’m not really thinking straight. I need perspective.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – He stole from your wife and broke your trust. He’s obviously some sort of addict and it sounds like this is just the last straw in a long line of trashy behavior. You have every right to cut him out of your life.

Forgiving him would just be enabling his addiction and criminal behavior further.

You were a little extreme with your mom, but I see where you’re coming from. She’s babying and defending the artistic addict and trying to use his addiction as a reason why you should forgive and support him. It doesn’t work that way.

It can hurt a lot when you’re the ‘good son’ and yet you’re the one that gets crapped on because the one that breaks the law is ‘more vulnerable’.

Set a clear boundary that you will not acknowledge or discuss your brother and anytime she tries you will hang up on her/leave the place (if in person).

No other ultimatum is needed. Just hold firm and enforce your boundaries. Let her know you love her, but you will not get sucked into your brother’s drama and trauma anymore. You have to protect your wife and kids from his criminal activity.” VixenNoire

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – It doesn’t sound like there is a point in your brother’s life in which he isn’t vulnerable and your mother is probably enabling his crappy behavior.

Just because he is family does not mean he is automatically forgiven. In fact, it sounds like he missed the last stop on the train to redemption. I agree with cutting him out of your life and your mother is going to have to accept a new normal if she wants to maintain a relationship with you.

Your parents may feel like they signed up for this and are obligated to deal with it, but you and your wife surely did not.” okIhaveANopinionHERE

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anma7 5 months ago
NTJ.... cut him off hopefully get wife to see the real brother now as the POS he is not the demigod she thinks he is. Tell dad that he and mom's enabling brother is what has done this and you won't be enabling him nor associated with him any longer
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19. AITJ For Wanting To Invite My Childhood Friend To My Wedding?

“Gia and I are childhood friends.

Maude was also in our group but drifted from our friend group in high school to join the popular kids. She still hung out with us but decided Gia was the target of her bullying. I realize now I should have spoken up but didn’t back then because I was more concerned about my grades and didn’t want to be swept up in petty drama.

Gia and I made up and are close now. Maude goes to grad school near me and we’re still friends. She’s definitely grown since high school as people do. But she doesn’t acknowledge the bullying, unlike Gia who always has some snarky quip whenever I mention Maude. I ignore them for the most part because I don’t have any interest in rehashing the past.

Gia came to a reunion our friend group had some years ago and gave Maude dirty looks when she tried to talk to her but outside of that, they hadn’t seen each other. Maude never talks about Gia to me so I know Maude isn’t still on it.

Onto the issue at hand: I’m getting married next summer and asked both of them to be my bridesmaids.

Gia immediately declined and said she was passing on the wedding for obvious reasons.

I had it and finally snapped. I told Gia I never forced her to make nice to Maude and always ignored her snarky comments about her even though Maude isn’t like that anymore. I said I wouldn’t seat them together or anything and she could avoid Maude the whole wedding and I wouldn’t even insist she accept the bridesmaid offer.

Gia looked at me and asked if I ever once went off on Maude about the bullying since I told her I regretted not sticking up for her back then. I told her I wasn’t rehashing the past and Gia said that’s all well and good but please respect her decision.

I asked others in our old friend group and they’re divided since Maude did tease a couple of others too.

So I’m asking, AITJ for wanting my friend at my wedding?”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ

You basically decided to not stick up for her when your friend was being bullied. That’s taking sides. Now you’re butthurt that she didn’t want to let bygones be bygones without an apology, and that she’s realizing you’re not a great friend.

Congratulations on getting married, but man you really did her dirty for not sticking up for her. That’s not what a true friend does. She was right to step down from the wedding.” erraticjudgment

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. Gia’s not demanding you uninvite Maude, she just doesn’t want to be around her. It sounds like Maude probably made high school miserable for Gia.

You ignored it back then and, despite claiming to regret that, you ignore it now. Stop forcing Gia to interact with her bully and dismissing the lifelong impact Maude’s actions had on her.” GlassSandwich9315

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anma7 5 months ago
YTJ.. so you expect the victims to be ok round their bully.. even though you not once defended them and want her main victim to be bridesmaidnwith her and do all the preweddimg crap that goes along with it WITH HER BULLY... but it's ok right cos she never bullied you that bad if at all and your the bride and get what you want.. YOU SUCK
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18. AITJ For Telling Our Manager And HR About My Coworker's Son's Crimes?

“I have a coworker who tends to over-share as it is. She is known for getting herself in crappy situations and then using said situations to garner sympathy and sometimes financial gain.

A couple of weeks ago she was supposed to return to the office from working remotely. She called in to say she couldn’t come in and then told me she couldn’t come because she didn’t have her car and it was a long story.

At this point, I just didn’t want to know. I already knew it probably involved her adult child.

About a week passed and she started to say vague things to me about what happened but they were just enough out of context that it felt like she wanted me to ask. When I finally asked, I kind of wished I hadn’t.

Her adult child has control over her car and she just allows it because ‘They may need it’ but they also don’t pay for gas, insurance, or even help out. A few weeks ago he was offered a substantial amount to ‘help someone out’. The help was to follow another person to the border, pick up 3 individuals, and follow the person back in the ‘decoy’ car.

First, she tried to say they were arrested for just smuggling. Then she clarified that it was human smuggling and they were using her car to do it. I asked her what she was going to do while they were still in jail, knowing that she really couldn’t afford to bond them out. She said the ‘people who asked them to do it were taking care of the bond and legal fees’.

This got me concerned for her safety and the safety of her other child. I asked her about that and she said ‘They won’t do anything to us. That never happens. I just had to pay for my car’. So I tried to back out of the conversation because this was not something that sounded safe or even sane.

Then yesterday she volunteered more information and tried to change the story to she was the one who bonded him out and said that nothing bad was going to happen, despite my concerns. Turns out she also divulged this information to another coworker. The other coworker is also concerned and now thinks there is more of an organization behind some of this.

So this morning she was talking to me about what she was told and said we should take it to our manager. I had hesitation but we went. Our manager, who knew the bare minimum and didn’t know about the smuggling or outside people paying for things, took it all to her supervisor and HR.

We then were brought into a meeting with the three of them and had to recount everything that was said to us and we were told to keep it quiet to not cause panic and give them time to start investigating.

Now I am at home with my family and she is texting me calling me every name in the book and telling me her child has never been in organized crime or committed any felony and I had no right to voice concerns to our manager about her ‘private life’.

I haven’t answered her texts because now I am wondering if I am a jerk for saying anything at all. So honestly, AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“There’s a saying about snitches but, at the same time, if you are informed of a federal crime and are found to have withheld that intentionally, that’s your butt on the line.

She didn’t have to spill the beans – at work of all places! – to multiple coworkers. It costs nothing to keep info to ‘need to know’ and ‘bare minimum’. But she sang like a bird and got mad at you for wiping off the mess she threw on you?

Nope, NTJ.” Raevyne

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

She brings up her ‘private life’ after oversharing a lot of weeeiird details. If she didn’t want people talking about her son’s crimes, she shouldn’t have started talking about her son’s crimes.

Also, depending on what jurisdiction you live in, being found to have known and not reported anything could be a crime in and of itself.” TheTrueAHWasInsideUs

3 points - Liked by lebe, IDontKnow and LilVicky
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IDontKnow 6 months ago
NTJ. Just respond that she didn't need to tell you anything. If you don't want people to repeat things you tell them, don't tell them in the first place.
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17. AITJ For Not Helping A Coworker With Her Work?

“I (23F) started a new job a couple of weeks ago at a small optometry practice.

I had lots of prior experience and quickly became comfortable and got into the flow of things at this new office. My coworkers are super nice and the owners/doctors are really chill.

The problem I’m running into is that all my coworkers have their own ‘niche’ that they prefer to do, and for some of them, that’s ALL they will do.

For example, ‘Andrea’ prefers pre-testing patients before they see the doctor, and if the phone is ringing off the hook and there’s no one to answer she will let it go to voicemail because it’s ‘the front desk job.’ I’ve asked the owners if they really are that rigid of positions, and they said they want everyone cross-trained and jumping in to help where needed.

Anyway, today was a little rougher. I’m 38 weeks pregnant and have been incredibly sore and slow today. Usually, it’s not an issue, but for some reason today my body is not having it. I was scheduled to pre-test today, which involves a lot of time on my feet. After struggling through the first half of the day I felt like I’m going to collapse.

I asked my coworker ‘Melissa’ (40-ish F), who was scheduled today in billing if it would be okay if I taught her how to do the pre-testing so I could trade her for an hour to get off my feet for a bit.

Melissa told me ‘I don’t want to learn how to pre-test. If I learn how to do it I’ll get shoehorned into it every day.’

(This is definitely not true, I am cross-trained in all the tasks and I rotate what I’m doing daily.)

I was almost in tears for the rest of the day trying to do the testing. I was waddling painfully and had stabbing pelvic pain. My boss offered to let me go home after noticing my walk, but I need the money and haven’t worked there long enough to get PTO yet.

Toward the end of the day, I pre-tested the last patient and got to finally sit down and chat for a bit. The pain pretty quickly started to fade after that. Nearby, Melissa was getting flooded with phone calls and patients with insurance questions. I’m trained in billing and would normally have jumped right in to help, but I was feeling kind of petty and chose not to.

Melissa turned to me after a bit and asked if I would take a call on hold to answer some billing questions for a really angry patient. I’m a little ashamed of this but I responded ‘I’d rather not get shoehorned into billing duties all the time.’ Melissa glared at me and turned back to her computer.

She was incredibly stressed and overwhelmed after that.

As the cherry on top, my boss came up to tell me I was good to leave thirty minutes early and that he’d pay me for that time, so I left Melissa in the dust.

My husband says that while I was a bit petty, I’m not a jerk because I treated Melissa the same as she treated me.

My conscience is bugging me about it and I’m stressed that I’ve created drama in an otherwise drama-free work environment. But at the same time, I don’t feel like I was asking too much. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“Sometimes, when you are physically suffering and someone refuses to do even the teensiest bit to help, a dose of petty is fine.

I wouldn’t make a habit of this, but if your BOSS can see you are in total pain, and is letting you go home early with pay? Melissa set the tone, you just followed her lead. NTJ. (And if you have to follow up with Melissa, explain to her that you were fatigued from the pain you had to deal with all day pretesting and didn’t have the bandwidth for an angry customer.

I don’t think you need to full-on apologize, just give her the reason and let her reflect.)” User

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You provided a learning experience for your unhelpful co-worker. What comes around goes around. She brought this on herself. If she’d been game to learn how to pre-test and swap with you for a little bit, she might have been doing that, and you might have been the one getting slammed in billing – and you would’ve probably been happy to deal with that because at least it wasn’t causing you physical pain.” Necessary-Treacle702

3 points - Liked by lebe, IDontKnow and LilVicky
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anma7 5 months ago
NTJ.. its on the owners to ensure all THEIR STAFF are cross trained if that's what they want... you weren't being petty you quoted back to her and she deserved it
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16. AITJ For Not Wanting To Go On A Family Vacation?

“I (24F) have not enjoyed the last 2 family vacations. I’ve been bullied for not eating enough, and not drinking enough booze, I get told what I can and can’t wear, and that I’m just being grumpy.

I don’t eat breakfast in my normal life, why would I do it on holiday? I’d prefer to sleep in and eat lunch. I’m not a big liquor drinker in normal life, so why would I become a drinking addict on holiday? I don’t like to wear dresses, so I wear shorts and a T-shirt, and all my mum says is ‘You’re dressing like such a boy.

Stop dressing like a boy.’ My entire family snores so I don’t sleep well at night, which is why I’m grumpy.

I don’t enjoy my family’s company anymore, it’s intense being in a hotel room with the family and no privacy. The no-privacy thing is something I absolutely detest and why I don’t want my significant other to come with us.

I started going out with my SO a year and a half ago, and next year we’re thinking of going away on holiday just the two of us. I can’t afford 2 holidays nor can I afford to take 2 weeks off work. After the last 2 unsuccessful holidays with my family, I’ve told my mum I want to go with my SO instead.

I tried to say it as delicately as I could as I know how important family holidays are to her, but they’re not good for my mental health. The constant nitpicking of everything I say and do just isn’t for me.

I’ve caused a family argument, my mum and SO have fallen out. I’m at the point of saying ‘I’m not going with anyone anymore.’

So, AITJ for telling my mum I don’t want to go on holiday with the family? I feel like I am, I feel like crap for hurting my mum, but it really isn’t good for me to go on holiday with them.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

You’re a grown adult. You’re allowed to holiday with whomever you choose.

Your family doesn’t want to accept that they’re the problem in the scenario, not you.

As a fellow ‘non-dress-wearer whose family is still trying to urge them to wear dresses even in their thirties for the love of Christ Dad just leave me alone with my jeans if you wanna buy a dress so badly do it and wear it yourself,’ I can empathize with your situation when it comes to a controlling family – and since they mean well in their own mind, they can’t fathom the idea they are actually being controlling.

Reinforce your boundaries and stand your ground now… I think a lot of us wish we’d done it a lot earlier than we did.” ThisIsTheCaptain

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You should decline your mom’s invitation to the family vacation. You don’t want to go.

Something to think about. Don’t use your SO as the reason you don’t want to go.

Don’t make her your excuse or justification for not going. That is setting her up to be ‘hated’ as the reason you are being wrenched out of a family vacation.

If you did not have a significant other, would you want to go on the family vacation? If you did not have your SO, would you rather spend your vacation leave and money joining a group of friends or a packaged tour before you choose the family vacation?

Stand up for what you want to do. You want a young adult vacation, not a family vacation. Take it!” Civil-Rain-8025

2 points - Liked by lebe and IDontKnow
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anma7 5 months ago
NTJ.... tell her your not going you don't enjoy it and that most importantly you are A GROWN ADULT... and as such you can choose what to do and where to go on vacation
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15. AITJ For Not Using The Handmade Blanket My Partner's Mom Gave To Me?

“So my partner just got a package from her mom, and it had a ton of things inside, most of it was stuff her mother sent for her, like gifts and clothes, but apparently she also hand-made me a really pretty blanket. I made sure to wash it since it had a bit of a smoke smell but other than that I liked it a lot.

Then I put it in my closet since I didn’t want to use it right now.

So then, my partner asked me ‘Are you going to use it?’ and I said ‘Not right now hun’ since we live in Florida and it gets pretty hot, and she kept insisting ‘But my mom made it for you’ and I was like ‘I know and I really appreciate it and I like it a lot, but I do not want to use it right now.’ And then she started getting really emotional and upset saying ‘But my mom made it for you!

She put so much work into it! She worked really hard on it’ and I said ‘I know, just because I’m not using it right now doesn’t mean I didn’t like it, I love it.’ Which is true, I even thanked her mom on video chat.

But then it just went back in circles of having to repeat myself over and over to her, and at that point, I started feeling like she was forcing me to have to use it, so then she started crying, so I said ‘Why are you crying about this?’ and then she goes on a huge rant trying to make me feel bad because I asked her why she was even crying about this and she just starts going off about how it’s a normal human reaction to cry when you’re upset and that she can’t help it that she’s so sensitive, and I said ‘But why are you so upset over this?

I’m not disrespecting your mom or anything and I told you like 5 times that I like it!’ and it just kept getting worse and at that point, I started getting frustrated and mentally drained since it was getting nowhere. All I could say to her was ‘I didn’t know this blanket meant so much to you.’ and it just upset her even more.

It’s now 3 a.m. here, and she will still not let it go and keeps trying to make me seem bad for not wanting to even speak to her right now. At this point I’m getting really annoyed, and now she just stormed out of the house at 3 AM and texted me ‘Bye,’ because she kept knocking on the bedroom door and I wouldn’t answer her since I told her I just wanted time to myself right now and to please respect that.

Am I really the bad guy?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – I don’t blame you for letting her walk out, you must be exhausted. If I were in your situation, I’d tell her not to bother coming back unless she’s going to a) drop the subject and b) apologize and acknowledge her behavior. The whole crying thing is super manipulative.

If you’d done something to warrant tears, fair enough, she’s allowed to express her emotions but you haven’t.” MrsTBorst

Another User Comments:

“Honestly it sounds like you’re doing your best and definitely NTJ. Maybe let her know when she’s pushing you to your limit mentally that you refuse to speak to her if she continues being irrational and persistent.

Don’t use those words but also it’s bad for your own health being pushed to the brink like that frequently. She’s not taking responsibility for her own emotions to communicate/discern them.” twinfryz

2 points - Liked by lebe and IDontKnow
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LilVicky 6 months ago
Tell her you’re not using it BECAUSE IT’S EFFING HOT!! You live in Florida for christ’s sake!! NTJ
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14. WIBTJ If I Stand Up For Myself Against A Teacher?

“I (15M) am currently taking Introduction to Python; basically, it’s coding and computer science. It’s a fairly moderately difficult course, and I only started getting better after Christmas.

So basically last week my teacher wasn’t in the classroom because she was helping with school events. This was last Tuesday when I did the assignment, which was building a chatbot. The substitute teacher played the wrong video. He played the advanced computer science video, so some directions I could’ve gotten weren’t given.

We tried to tell him but he didn’t listen.

Fast forward to yesterday, I did the assignment and turned it in. I took around 10-15 minutes on it, which is quick for me, but I’d been practicing my coding in my spare time.

So yesterday, the teacher brought up that if we were dishonest, we’d get a zero.

I found it weird that she even thought to bring this up seeing as my class and I are good kids (as in none of us talk back, have gotten in-school suspension, etc). I shrugged it off.

Then, I went to check my grade for it and saw I got a 0. I was like ‘What?!’ and started panicking.

My friend (17F) who did the assignment similar to me got a 20/20. So then I started panicking and then proceeded to have a panic attack. My friend managed to calm me down, and I went to the teacher.

I asked her about it, and she was like ‘Your answer was exactly like the answer key.

How?’ And I was like ‘I don’t know, I just did what the assignment told me to do.’ She then accused me of being dishonest, saying that I probably looked up the answers online. Which, no, I didn’t. I have since checked my search history and found nothing relating to it.

She said that I only took 10-15 minutes when I ‘couldn’t even do a variable and took 30 minutes to do that previously’. Which is untrue. Yes, I struggled with coding, but I’ve gotten better at it through practice.

After having no luck with her, I just took the loss. I went home and told my grandma (67F), and she was beyond mad that I would be accused of that.

She offered to go to the school, but I told her no. She told me I needed to stand up for myself.

WIBTJ if I go to my school faculty about this? I don’t want to make her mad at me, but I also don’t like being accused of something I didn’t do.

I love coding, and I genuinely have been practicing.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, if you really didn’t do anything wrong, as you say, then you have nothing to hide so you can go to your teacher, school, whoever. If there’s any inkling you got help or anything, then being right for this one assignment won’t help you.

When I was in university there was a guy who got accused of copying when he said he didn’t. The next few assignments he knocked it out of the park and testing he did too so there’s other ways to show your teacher you’re actually good at programming as the class should get harder if it’s truly a programming class.” Snoo47621

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, ask the teacher to watch you retake the assignment again. She will then see you didn’t do anything wrong firsthand. You can request this in writing via email and copy your principal and guidance counselor. You can be very kind in your email and understanding and explain that you think it looks like you may have done something wrong because your skills improved so quickly but in fact, they improved because you have been practicing so much in your free time.” Pomegranate_1328

2 points - Liked by lebe and IDontKnow
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IDontKnow 5 months ago
YWNBTJ. You NEED to either let your grandmother go down to the school, or go to the faculty yourself. At this point it's about your future.
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13. WIBTJ If I Confront My Mother-In-Law About Her "Secret Conversation" With My Daughter?

“I have a rocky past with my husband’s mom. It started off small with her inserting her parenting opinions where they were not asked for which I politely but firmly shut down. This past summer, things went down and she got in my face yelling at me about another thing she got worked up about after I told her that she was not my kid’s parent and she had no say in how we raised our daughter (6) after I found out she was trying to go behind my back.

She sent a half-meant apology and I told her that our relationship was not going to be repaired any time soon if at all and I didn’t trust her. Since then I went low contact but have maintained a cordial relationship for the sake of my daughter and husband.

Things have been better since so 6 went for a sleepover at Grandma and Grandpa’s house a couple of weeks ago.

We picked her up and went about our way. My husband later confided in me and told me that his mom just HAD to bring up a conversation with our daughter where MIL asked 6 if ‘mommy loved her (MIL)’ when I stepped away to get her in the car. MIL asked my husband not to tell me about this conversation.

He got mad and walked away and my daughter later asked me why I didn’t like MIL.

MIL asked to have another sleepover at her house with other cousins. She doesn’t know my husband disclosed their conversation. I told my husband I’d be open to it since MIL doesn’t act this way when there are other people around but I want to address MIL’s ‘secret’ conversation and let her know that we don’t keep secrets and to behave herself.

He sort of flipped and tried to make ME feel bad for wanting to bring up this conversation since I was never supposed to know about it and he doesn’t want it to be talked about. I called out his seeming lack of support for me and felt like he was almost being duplicitous.

AITJ here? WIBTJ if I confronted his mom even though he doesn’t want me to?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Her behavior is not AT ALL acceptable. She is using your child as a pawn in whatever stupid control/power game she’s trying to play. You and your husband need to protect your daughter from this behavior.

It is NEVER okay for someone to tell a child to keep secrets from their parents, for obvious reasons. This woman is unsafe.” UnEazyRider

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Absolutely. Tell MIL that you are teaching your daughter that anyone asking her to keep secrets from her parents needs to be reported INSTANTLY (and do teach her this, of course).

Ask her why she is acting like a child predator, and unless she both recognizes this, shows she understands it properly, and backs unreservedly down, no unsupervised visits with your kids.

I did have a brief instance of this with my kids and a relative, but it was removed instantly and quickly because that relative didn’t understand modern safety methods, so came around right away.” Neenknits

2 points - Liked by lebe and IDontKnow
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anma7 5 months ago
NTJ.... so seeing how she wants hubby to lie to you and keep secrets.. have the conversation and ask her why 6 asked you if you loved her.... the tell her that things like that are not acceptable and she either knocks that crap off or it will be supervised visits only and definitely no sleepovers seeing how she's being a bit too much qith your kiddo... that the issue started because of HER.. not you
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12. AITJ For Refusing To Pay For A Broken Couch?

“My husband (27M) and I (24F) bought a loveseat/couch set from a local furniture store. The set costs about $2,000 altogether. I put $500 down and I took it home. I’ve had the furniture for about a week before the loveseat broke. I was reclined back and when I went to get out the recliner would not go back in.

I called the furniture store to let them know what happened. The lady stated she would send someone out to look at it.

Fast forward to about 5 days later a man showed up at my house unannounced and said he was there to look at the loveseat. I let him in, he looked it over and said that there was nothing we had done to it but the bar on the inside was twisted and the whole thing needed to be replaced.

The next day I called back down to the store and the manager who sold me the furniture said she needed to talk to the owner to figure out what to do. Two days later I called again to see if she had figured anything out, she then said that they were not going to replace it or do anything but credit $100 to what was owed on the set.

I stated that I was not happy with that and would be happier if they would replace the brand new loveseat that I had for a week before it broke or if they would give me my $500 down payment back and just come get it. She then stated that someone would be at my house on Monday to pick it up but they wouldn’t be able to refund my down payment because it wasn’t broken when it left the store.

So even tho her maintenance man said that it was nothing we had done to the furniture we can’t return it. I told her that nobody would be entering my house until I got my money back and that I would not be making any further payments until the situation was made right. I feel like they should have some type of return policy or insurance for things like this.

So AITJ for refusing to pay for this furniture?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ but you better follow through.

If you ‘only’ do not pay the remaining balance, they will take you to a collection agency, and you will have to deal with that nonsense.

You might have to file a lawsuit in a small claims court to get a judge to agree that either you do not have to pay them the remaining balance, or they have to refund you all the amounts paid and take the sofa out of your house.

You better take pictures, and video, and get written/recorded statements from the people who came to your house to repair so you can present the judge with evidence.

It might seem like a hassle, but if you are going to ‘fight’ them on this (which you are totally in the right to do), you better be able to fight properly and put in the effort.

Sorry you have to go through this.” User

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Report this to the BBB (Better Business Bureau). They will take your complaint and contact the store to try and resolve the issue. You can also start slamming them on social media. If they have a website, you can leave a review on it.

The love seat was broken when it left the store and they need to replace it or refund your money.” Trina608

2 points - Liked by lebe and IDontKnow
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sctravelgma 5 months ago
Do not let them get away with this. Did anyone else hear the repair guy tell you it was nothing you did but that a part was twisted inside and it should be replaced? If not, you need to get a signed and sworn statement from him before his employer puts pressure on him to change his story. I do hope you have his name. I think at this point in time you need to file an action in small claims court because otherwise the store will turn you over for collections if you do not pay installments and it is apparent they are not going to replace the loveseat. Quite frankly, I wouldn't want them to after you now know the quality of the piece and how they treat their customers. I would ask for my $500 deposit back pkus any expenses for filing the claim. Take photos of the broken piece. If you can take photos of the piece inside the seat that the guy said was twisted , that is a plus. Sorry, but it seems the store really doesn't care. I would give reviews on every platform you can find such as Google, jerk, Yelp, etc. You will have to give 1 star in order to write review but do it and title it like Store Does Not Stand Behind Their Products. If you have a personal FB account also write about your experience there. Check to see if yiyr town has a Better Business Bureau or Merchants Center or Chamber if Commerce and file a written complaint with them.
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11. AITJ For Telling My Mom I Don't Like My Stepdad?

“I (18m) live with my mom my stepdad and one of my stepsisters. My parents got divorced when I was little and since then I’ve bounced around a couple of different households with my mother. She’s always been there and been supportive. My mom and stepdad got together around when I was 12 and eventually moved in together around when I was 13.

My stepdad and I haven’t always had the closest relationship, we’re far from similar and often see differently on many topics. For example, he would attempt to play catch with me when I was younger but I just wasn’t into baseball, small things. However, this never translated into any problems until I was about 15.

One day he picked me up from one of my friends’ house and out of nowhere said that he had something to get off his chest. He then proceeded to berate me with insults such as that I’m a selfish piece of work and that I never help him around the house. He told me that if he didn’t know my mother he wouldn’t even bother speaking to me.

I was very shy and unconfident at this age so I simply took it and said nothing.

From that day forward I never saw him the same, we would barely talk to each other and often it was awkward seeing him around the house. I couldn’t understand why he held such a disdain for me.

Well, it didn’t stop there. One day I had a bright idea to throw a party at my house while my parents were gone. Well, they found out, and as you could guess the reaction was less than pleasant. He told me he hated me and that if he had his way I would be in a juvenile detention center.

After that incident the relationship went down the gutter, I developed a deep sense of resentment towards him, some things cannot be unheard. Not once did he apologize for anything he ever said. My mom as supportive as she is doesn’t understand why we are so indifferent towards each other, so I finally told her everything.

I told her that I didn’t like him, that in fact, I couldn’t wait to never see him again. She got very sad and pleaded with me to reconsider.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

Your stepdad has a lot of issues and I’m so sorry you went through that as a kid. It is completely inappropriate and disgusting for him to speak to you that way, and the way your mum has responded to being told it recently sounds like she isn’t that surprised, which is also very sad for you.

I would ask your mum if she thinks your stepdad would’ve stayed with her if she had yelled at and treated his daughter how he yelled at and treated you.” CharliesBadDay

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, what he said was hateful and unnecessary. If he had told you from the beginning that he knows you two are very different but he would be willing to find things you two could do together, I bet you guys would have a good relationship.

But neither he nor your mom bothered to make the effort to make sure he was trying to bond with you. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I really think you should try and find a new home if possible because you deserve to live somewhere you feel safe and content.” GypsyPixels

2 points - Liked by lebe and IDontKnow
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anma7 5 months ago
NTJ.. move out as soon as you can then you never have to see him again
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10. WIBTJ If I Tell My Family About How I Feel Towards My Dad?

“I (24F) lived with my mom (55F), my dad (53M), and my younger sibling ‘Orion’ (21NB). My parents have always been very lovey-dovey and my dad was beloved by my grandparents and aunts and cousins as he was very much a family man who would go above and beyond for his family. They were going to be married for 29 years this year.

This past Sunday, my parents sat Orion and me down and revealed that they were divorcing because my dad established an ’emotional connection’ with another woman, ‘Amy’, and as such realized that he was no longer in love with my mom and only saw her as a friend. When he told my mom roughly three months ago that he wanted a divorce, she asked him to work on their marriage and suggested couples therapy, but he refused because he ‘didn’t want to deny his feelings’.

He also wanted to immediately tell Orion and me, which my mom had to practically beg him not to and to wait until I finished my exams and Orion their major (Orion and I both struggle with mental illness and were going through a very rough patch at the moment, so if we had learned about it at the time, we definitely would’ve flunked the semester due to the resulting stress).

Dad didn’t understand the need, thinking that since we were both already adults their separation shouldn’t affect us at all, but she eventually convinced him to keep it a secret. So, for three months, Mom had to stay quiet and suffer in silence while Dad went over to Amy’s almost every weekend to sleep with her.

Family members who are in the know have been constantly telling me not to judge Dad for his decision, and I’ve just been constantly boiling with rage over their words. I’ve been biting my tongue so far, but I’m afraid that I’ll snap soon and tell them that I do indeed judge my dad and think he made a stupid, hurtful, and selfish decision that destroyed our family and have lost all my respect for him as a result.

So, will I be the jerk if I tell them so?”

Another User Comments:

“OP, you never have to apologize for the way that you feel. Your father deeply hurt your mother by leaving her for another woman. He isn’t obligated to stay in a relationship when he isn’t happy, but our actions do not exist in a vacuum.

It’s okay to pick sides, and it’s understandable that you chose to give your support to the party that lost their lifelong partner rather than the one with the new woman. You are NTJ for hating what your father has done to your family. Your family should understand that you’re just as entitled to hate your father as he was for loving another woman.” VerendusAudeo

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I say let it all out. Seriously. The more you hold it in. The more the cinders will burn and then turn into a massive fire that turns to full-on anger… possibly hatred.

Tell him how you feel. You are right. He is a selfish person. He had an affair. Wanted to crow about it and didn’t respect her or you all enough to wait until the divorce to go see her.

He doesn’t deserve your respect. He doesn’t deserve your loyalty.

So let it go. Say what you need to say and help your mom, brother and you heal.

Sending so much peace, consensual hugs and love your way Darlin.” Siog_Bhig

2 points - Liked by lebe and IDontKnow
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anma7 5 months ago
NTJ... tel. Him exactly how you feel and then that's it out in the open
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9. AITJ For Asking For My Fiancé's Social Security Number?

“I just started a new job and became eligible for benefits. One of the benefits is a free 25k life insurance policy.

I decided to sign up cause it’s free so why not? I put the primary beneficiary as my dad and the secondary as my fiancé, if it pays out it would pay out 50-50. They needed the beneficiary’s info, name, date of birth, and contact information, and it asked for a social security number too.

I called my dad and told him what I was doing, he gave me the info and that was that. I called my fiancé and asked him and he immediately got defensive.

‘Why do you need that, what is this for?!’ Valid question, but I had told him at the beginning it was so he could be a beneficiary to my life insurance policy.

This isn’t some scam website, it’s through our HR health benefits. He refused to give it to me and was getting angrier and more upset the more I pushed for it until finally, I gave up and just didn’t add him because it wouldn’t let me add him cause the SSN was a required field.

When we got home I asked him what the big deal was and he basically said that information is his information and he’s not giving it to me. I pointed out to him that since we’re getting married I will at some point likely need his social. I pointed out he wanted to be added to my insurance after we got married (his job doesn’t offer any) and that I would definitely need his SSN for that, bank accounts, mortgages, and credit cards?

I’m not posting it on the internet, it’s so he can get money in the event I die.

Anyway long story short we argued, and he’s adamant his information is his information and he doesn’t want to be in ‘the system’. I reminded him he was in the military, for Pete’s sake, he is already in the system!

Finally, I told him okay, then I won’t add you to my life insurance or health benefits because I can’t add you without that information. He responded by saying that I was ‘extorting’ and ‘blackmailing’ him and then he left for his brother’s. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

But I’d hold off on setting a wedding date.

This is really, really odd behavior, and makes me suspicious of exactly WHY he doesn’t want to share this.

I mean, you’re basically giving him money if something happens to you. When you go on his insurance or he goes on yours – you’ll need his SSN. When you file taxes as ‘married, filing jointly’, the SSN is on the front page of your 1040.

He can’t run away from this forever.

Is it possible that he is not here legally? Is it possible he’s using someone else’s SSN? Is it possible he has some record that he hasn’t told you about? It may all be innocent, but his reaction – leaving to go to his brother’s – is way out of line with how you’d expect a fiance to react to something like this.” Straight-Singer-2912

Another User Comments:

“If it quacks like a duck, looks like a duck, and runs off like a duck, it’s a duck. I have to say, this one is quacking at a mighty high pitch, OP.

He shouldn’t be this upset about you knowing his SSN unless he’s hiding something (s). You’re getting married. You’ll be living together, how is this a big deal?

What is he afraid you’ll find?

Not having health insurance is his loss. Informing him of that is not extortion, it’s simply you pointing out the obvious. If he doesn’t want the medical aid, put someone that’ll appreciate it more.

You need to have a serious conversation about his behavior and I hope he has a valid excuse for it because this is a huge red flag, in my opinion.

NTJ.” 5ftGrinch

2 points - Liked by lebe and IDontKnow
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sctravelgma 5 months ago
Red. Red flag. Something stinks here. I wouldn't be making any deposits towards a wedding because something ain't right. He appears to be hiding something
If he is unwilling to share this info, explain to him you really don't see a future with him because he apparently doesn't see you as trustworthy. This "don't want to be in the system: crap sounds like he's into some type of conspiracy theory organization. That in and of itself is a gigantic RED flag. If he drives a car the state has his info and you stayed he was in tten military so the US Government has his life history. He sounds wacko. You two need to sit down avd have a very serious heart to heart talk. If he refuses or continues this rap, you need to walk away because sonething ain't right and the situation stinks to high heaven. You deserve better
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8. AITJ For Telling My Mom's Husband That He's Just Some Dude?

“My little sister is getting married soon and she asked me to walk down the aisle with her and her fiance, while he walks with his dad. She also wanted to do a dance with me to honor our dad instead of the traditional father-daughter dance.

She’s 10 years younger than me and we lost our dad when I was 15 and she was 5. Mom married Michael when I was 17 and he’s playing into this in a big way. He expected my sister to ask him and she didn’t. He sees her as his own daughter but she kinda looks up to me in the way he wants her to look up to him.

She used to ask me about dad and I was able to keep his presence in her life in some way when she was growing up without him. And she didn’t bond with Michael as a father figure.

For me, he’s my mother’s husband and not someone I’m particularly close to. It always bothered me that he calls me by a random nickname instead of my name because my name sounds a lot like my dad’s.

I also think he’s very insecure about coming in as a second husband and as a stepfather to my sister and a spouse to my mom for me, instead of as a dad.

He got mad at my sister when he found out she asked me. He gave me trouble for ‘taking his place’ when we both should have known his feelings would be hurt.

I told him that his feelings don’t factor into my sister’s wedding. That it’s about her and after 20 years he should understand that. He was furious with me. He told me his feelings should matter to us and that he’s been the only father figure in our lives for 20 years. I told him he was never that for me.

That he was just the dude my mom married. He didn’t like that.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ for accepting the role. Your sister gets to choose who walks her down the aisle.

But it’s up to her regarding how she feels about your stepdad. She was 7 when your mum married him – you were 17.

She may well have a different relationship with him because she was much younger when he entered your lives. Be supportive of her but also remember that your relationship with him may be different because he came into your lives at different ages – 7 versus 17.

Was he ever a parental figure in HER life? How well does she get on with him?” linerva

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. This is something your stepfather ought to have discussed with your mother. It’s the bride’s prerogative whom she chooses to walk down the aisle with. It wasn’t sensible for him to argue with you about it. Saying that I still understand he could be hurt, and what you said was harsh.

Now that you have told him how you feel, perhaps tone it down a bit. Weddings can be stressful, but a focus on family unity might be best to give your sister and SO the best wedding day possible.” boniemonie

1 points - Liked by lebe
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anma7 5 months ago
NTJ.. but you were older and stepdads feelings that you should have seen him as dad is wrong whereas you brought dad to life for sis whereas he was her father figure so yes he's hurt.. however sister needs to be the 1 to explain why she asked you not him
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7. AITJ For Not Getting My Daughter Her Dream Birthday Gift?

“My daughter (14) wrote a giant list for her birthday, but at the top was something called a Dyson Airwrap.

She’s quite into TikTok and YouTube and had a bunch of things related to that listed. I was tempted to get what she asked for, but when I saw the price tag I backed off. I feel like that sort of price for what boils down to a hair dryer isn’t a suitable thing for a girl her age.

Instead, I purchased some of the more minor things on her list, got her what looked to be a nice hairdryer so she wouldn’t have to use the family one, and some hair rollers.

When she opened her gift, she was immediately sullen and went silent. She didn’t bother to thank me or her mother, then eventually went off to her room and didn’t come out for a while.

Later that week an argument broke out over her behavior and she went off at everyone over what she considered a grand injustice.

Last year as a reward for doing well on his exams I purchased my son, Aaron (16), a lego set he had been coveting for quite a while. He has had a lifelong obsession with Lego and has been struggling with depression and anxiety a lot over the entire year.

Aaron not only completing his exams but doing so well, inspired me to get him something I knew he had been eyeing all year long. The set WAS expensive (I’ll admit it cost more than the hairdryer my daughter desired), but it really perked him up and I felt like he needed it.

My daughter feels that it’s a crime that I got Aaron something like that ‘unprompted’, while not going above and beyond for her own birthday.

I think that she is being incredibly immature and the situations just aren’t the same, but she still is going around acting like a kicked dog and drumming up sympathy with extended family whom she felt the need to text about her plight.

AITJ for this?”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ

This reeks of favoritism.

Now don’t get me wrong, I think you did good celebrating for Aaron.

But you got Aaron something he WANTED whereas you substituted what you THOUGHT was equivalent for your daughter. You should have been upfront and said you wouldn’t be getting the Dyson, but asked what a good alternative is. Substituting a hair dryer on your own is the wrong move because it feels like you are saying you don’t care what your daughter wants, it’s too expensive, but Aaron gets what he wants no matter the expense.

The real kicker: I know your son’s name and this story isn’t even about him. What’s your daughter’s name? It seems like a small thing, but you have no issue naturally humanizing your son while your daughter just gets a generic term stating your association. It’s pretty obvious how you feel about them.” Diatain

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. Kids aren’t dumb, they know favoritism when they see it. Also, did you ask her why she wanted that particular hair dryer, or did you just decide on your own that it wasn’t worth the money? Honestly, you just sound like you think your daughter’s interests are frivolous and dumb, but your son’s are important and worthwhile.

You should probably spend some time thinking about why that is.” MrPairOfBongos

0 points - Liked by IDontKnow
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anma7 5 months ago
YTJ.. so basically son is the golden child and daughter well meh she's just a girl.. maybe you could have saidwell look your birthday budget is X and that wipes it out or only needs room for 2 small gifts and let her decide if she values that particular hairdryer
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6. AITJ For Being Upset With My Mom For Being A Mistress?

“My mum is 66. She became a widow just over 4 years ago to my dad, her husband of 30 years. It’s taken her a few years to feel ready to get out there again and she has been on the apps, and gone out with a few guys, none really clicked to the extent of pursuing a relationship with.

She has played on a Scrabble app for the better part of a decade and has a few regulars. One in particular she started communicating with after they’d played countless games. Timid things to begin with like ‘nice word’ etc, genuinely just making polite small talk. Over time this turned into them full-blown talking every day, Skyping.

Until he finally came to visit her (they live in different cities across the country).

He is the same age and has been married for 30/40 years or something. Never had any kids. He is still married. He has been having an emotional/physical affair with my mum for the last 18+ months.

Initially, I was kinda happy for my mum, I’ve felt a lot of responsibility to be around for her and take care of her and it was a relief to see mum so happy and to not feel like I had to be there so much for her.

But it didn’t take long for her initial bliss to wear off as the debate of whether he would leave his wife became heavier.

However the longer this has dragged on, and the flip side of how miserable this has made my mum, has made me completely resent this guy and the situation. Mum and I have had huge arguments about this, I don’t agree with it at all, the fact it’s dragged on for so long, and just morally how messed up it is.

Her justification is always that he’s been in a miserable marriage and that if two people find happiness together then they should be entitled to that. My counter is always that if his marriage is so trashy and miserable why is it so difficult to leave her?

Anyway, he is now here in our city (he hasn’t been able to fly interstate until now due to the hard border between our two cities) and their defense is that he couldn’t risk leaving his wife when they’ve only met in person once and couldn’t be sure of their decision until they met again, which leads us to now.

He’s here and I took it all out on my mum and told her I wouldn’t talk to her again until he left (he’s planning to stay for about a month). I haven’t heard from her since.

Am I the jerk for hating her a bit or is there some alternate world where her extramarital jubilance is justified and she should be happy?

Would really appreciate any input, especially from divorcees or widowed people. Her other argument is that I’m young and don’t know anything about life (I’m 28) so not sure if maybe I am being too black and white in my disdain for the whole thing. My counterargument to her is sorry that she raised me with morals.

LOL.”

Another User Comments:

“There is honestly a lot to unpack here.

Your mother is an adult who is entitled to a relationship, but the person she has built a relationship with is married. Oftentimes, when people promise to leave their spouses for their other partner, it doesn’t happen because their marriage is safe and comfortable, even if they’re no longer happy.

You also said that you were initially happy for HER because you felt a lot of pressure to be there for her, but it sounds more like you were happy for yourself that someone else was taking on the ‘responsibility’ of your mom’s well-being. That’s her job and her job alone, and it’s unfair that she either put that pressure on you or let you put that pressure on yourself.

And given that he’s there for a month, I can’t imagine what he told his poor wife back home about why he’s going to be away for a month.

NTJ, but OP, you need to stop taking responsibility for your mother’s well-being and happiness. It was never your job, that’s an unhealthy relationship between mother and child.” ADHDLifer

Another User Comments:

“I’m going with ‘everyone sucks here’.

Your mother and her ‘partner’ are having an affair. Whatever the age, whatever the situation, it’s a trashy thing to do.

However, her life, her choice. She’s not a kid. She’s allowed to make her own decisions.

The truth is you don’t know what’s actually going on with them.

You don’t know what kind of a marriage he has. Maybe his wife knows…

You can make the choice to have a relationship with your mother with the condition that she doesn’t bring up her relationship. But if she can’t respect that, maybe the best for the two of you is to not see each other until you can both accept the other’s opinion.” Primary-Criticism929

-1 points (1 vote(s))
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anma7 5 months ago
ESH... its mom's life and she is an adult and so is he.... you don't know what his marriage is like, its obviously not great if he's with your mom for a month n his wife ismt bothered. She's also 66... she's entitled to some happiness as is he
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5. AITJ For Not Wanting My Sister To Go With My Ex To Our Supposed-To-Be Honeymoon Destination?

“I (30M) was supposed to get married this summer. Our honeymoon was going to be in Italy.

The wedding was canceled. I don’t want to get into it because this post isn’t about the wedding. All I’m gonna say is that my sister doesn’t like me because of it. My sister and my ex-fiancée were really close.

They still spend time together, even though I told her I don’t like it and that my ex really hurt me. My sister told me she didn’t care. I tried talking to my parents about it, but they told me I needed to get over it.

I was having dinner with my parents.

My dad mentioned my ex and sister dropping by earlier and having lunch with them. I was upset. My ex and I haven’t spoken since she called off the wedding, so I assumed she came over for me. I pressed my parents for more information. They told me my sister and my ex were going on vacation together to the Amalfi coast. That was supposed to be our honeymoon.

I felt sick to my stomach that my ex was taking my sister on our honeymoon.

She got mad at me and called me a jerk. She told me she’s allowed to have friends. She doesn’t need my permission for anything. She told me she loves me, but she can’t put her life on hold for me.

I wasn’t asking her to put her life on hold, just not go on my honeymoon and not be friends with my ex. I always knew she had a little crush on my ex, and I told her my ex wasn’t gonna go out with her, not even out of desperation. She hung up on me and refused to call me back.

I guess she told my parents because the next day both of them told me how disappointed they were in me. They told me it was a low blow, and I needed to get over myself. I didn’t expect them to take sides at all, but they’re refusing to see my point of view.

Both my sister and my ex refuse to speak to me, so I need to know if I really messed up or if they’re overreacting. So, AITJ?”

Edit: Since it apparently matters. I didn’t two-time my ex. She thinks I did because she’s refusing to listen to my side of the story.

I was having a weekly lunch with an old friend from high school, and when my ex found out she assumed I was having an affair.

She only thought this because it was one of my exes. I didn’t tell my fiance who I was meeting because I didn’t want her to get jealous or upset. It was only supposed to be one lunch, but it became a weekly thing and it was already too late to say anything.

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. You want to be best friends with ex number 1, and expect your fiancée to be cool with it, but your sister isn’t allowed to be friends with ex number 2? Either it’s inappropriate to be friends with exes or it isn’t. You don’t get to have it both ways.” bjkeil07

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. Especially for trying to initially hide the fact she broke up with you for lying and having secret lunches weekly with your ex. You are responsible for your relationship ending and I don’t blame your sister at all for being there for her friend and trying to turn it into a positive time.” UsefulCauliflower3

-1 points (1 vote(s))
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anma7 5 months ago
YTJ.... Double standards here or what... YOU can meet your EX weekly for lunch and wonder why you ex fiancee dumped your jerk... but your ex fiancee can't be friends with your sister and use the vacation that happens tp have been meant for your honeymoon cos its not fair.... too bad so sad you played a stupid game regarding your weekly 'innocent' lunch dates with you ex girlfriend but you expect ex FIANCEE to stop being friends with your sister and using the vacation thT she likelycany get refunded that her parents probably paid for as part of her wedding that YOU SCREWED UP.. sis and parents are right you need to grow up and get over yourself
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4. AITJ For Trying To Help My Daughter By Painting Her Room?

“My (40F) ex-husband (38M) passed away 8 months ago, we had a daughter together, Diana (16F), who has been utterly heartbroken since her dad was her favorite person in the world, she came to live with my husband and our kids (45M and 7/4M) permanently.

She already has a room here and she decorated it with my ex when I bought the house (we ended amicably and he was really involved). It was this lousy purple that she mentioned several times she didn’t like anymore and wanted to paint the walls green-grayish.

She’s already attending therapy and I set some drawers in my side of the storage room to keep a bunch of the things and clothes that belonged to her dad, I know how hard it is to let go of things, even if you don’t use it or know what they are.

I’ve decided to let her get rid of them at her own pace, even if it takes her 100 years.

However her room started to get quite messy and every time my husband mentioned it, she would cry and say sorry, saying that it was really hard for her and that every time she tried to clean, it was just difficult, I said that there was no pressure and that we could clean it together next Sunday.

I had a long talk with my husband about stomping my daughter’s grief and he apologized, we did try to clean the room on Sunday, but she still struggled a lot so I asked if it was okay for her that I clean her room during this past weekend while she spends it with my ex-inlaws so she could come home to a clean bedroom.

She said yes.

I began Friday night with some cleaning, and while doing it I remembered that my daughter wanted to paint her walls so I thought it would be a good surprise, I took care of everything, nothing was broken or damaged and neither my husband nor sons were involved. But when she came home this morning, she flipped, she said that painting the room with her dad was one of her best memories and that I ruined it.

I honestly didn’t know and I apologized, but she kept yelling that I ruined everything and went to her room to cry again.

I don’t know if I’m a jerk, but I had no idea about how she felt about the room since she’s more vocal with my ex’s clothes and his car, I honestly thought I was doing something good for her, but I don’t know anymore, AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here, you made a mistake but it sounds innocent. Sounds like you just wanted to help out and thought a nice surprise that she had mentioned before would be a delight. You didn’t realize how she felt and I recommend letting her be by herself for a bit and allowing her to be a little selfish.

She’s still grieving and like you said should take things at her own pace. Try talking to her later after she’s calmed down.” User

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. You can’t ‘surprise’ her out of grief. Now is not a good time to change things or have an ‘out w/ the old, in with the new’ attitude.

You definitely sent a ‘time to move on’ message, intended or not. There is more though, she lost her father and has to live full-time in a home I’m sure she no longer feels she 100% belongs in. She doesn’t feel she has control over her life. You took stability and control from her. You took autonomy & choice.

She may need help making choices, but you shouldn’t have them made for her right now. You may have meant well, I’m sure it seemed like a small thing, but you should probably think about why you felt the need to do it. What reaction were you looking for? Why were you pushing for that reaction?

Was it to make her feel better or to make you feel better?

Also, she is a teen. Even in the best of times, with few exceptions, most teens want to be in control of the color/decor in their rooms. Don’t paint a teen’s room w/o their full approval.” Corpuscular_Ocelot

-1 points - Liked by IDontKnow
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anma7 5 months ago
YTJ... so you tell hubby about stomping on her grief then you go do it too... so now she's got to live in a room where the paint she said she didn't like was a memory and mom stomped over her feelings and surprised her by painting over it... way to go
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3. AITJ For Going Off At A Stranger In Line?

“I (23f) was shopping at the dollar store today and got in line to pay. Unfortunately, another lady and I got in line at the same time, but the way I was positioned meant I was actually in the line and she was off to the side.

I didn’t think it was a big deal and just moved forward when the line moved forward since I was actually in the line. Unfortunately for the other lady, this was a HUGE deal and she scoffed and said, ‘Really?!’

I am normally not the kind of person who likes confrontation, but apparently, I decided today was the day.

I turned to the woman and said, ‘I was in the line first’ to which she replied, ‘Actually we were in line at the same time’. I told her that I was positioned in the actual line first and it was not a big deal. As the line moved forward she kept scoffing and making noise to show her frustration then when it was her turn to put her items on the conveyor belt she slammed them down to create a scene.

I proceeded to pay and tell the cashier to have a good day and I thought that would be the end of it. Unfortunately, the other woman had other plans, got my attention, and said ‘Just so you know I was actually in line first!’ Now this may be where I am the jerk.

I turned around and said, ‘God, will you just shut up about it already? It is not that big of a deal, stupid jerk’.

My mom said that I am not a jerk, but I kind of feel like one due to this lady’s reaction after getting in line. I just don’t understand why it was such a big deal and I guess I should have let her go first even though I was in line.

So, AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“Can’t get through the line at the dollar store without causing a scene and yelling obscenities at someone? When the world tries to call you a jerk, just blame others for your inability to make it through a simple task without exploding into verbal abuse of the people around you.

Civility and decency are vastly overrated in basic day-to-day social interactions.

No, actually YTJ.” jnc2020u3

Another User Comments:

“YTJ, the whole way you phrase it makes it sound like she was really there just slightly before you but you decided to position yourself to box her out and wedge yourself in first when the line started moving.

Furthermore, you get called out on your bad behavior and your go-to is to swear and insult the person? You need to grow up.” MooseEmbarrassed9274

-2 points (2 vote(s))
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2. AITJ For Wanting My Partner And I To Share A Room During A Family Vacation?

“My partner (M 29) and I (F 24) have been together for 9 months now. His family suggested getting a 3-bedroom cabin for the Fourth of July this year. At first, I was super excited. There would be 3 couples going and 3 beds (the couples being my partner and me, his sister and her partner, and my partner’s parents).

However, when my partner asked who would take the room with the sunlight, his mom said that she and my partner’s grandma would take that room. My heart instantly sank because my partner’s mom was weird about him and me sleeping in the same room, even though we live together.

This is how I think the bed situation will play out: my partner and his dad sleep in the same bed, his mom and his grandma sleep in the same bed, his sister and I share bunk beds, and his sister’s partner sleeps on the couch.

I have a problem with this because I have only met his family a few times for the holidays so, I want to be able to decompress at the end of the day and talk to my partner after a long day of spending time with his family. I am an introvert by nature and have social anxiety so it will already be a lot spending time with his family all day.

I also will not be in a good mood if I stay stressed out the entire time. Socializing is super stressful and then making his sister and me bunk mates, I think I will implode. Of course, I would also like some time alone with my partner during the trip.

In a previous vacation we took during summer, I had said yes to joining him with his friends in Key West. Well, we get to the place we were staying and it’s an old steamboat.

Which was cool for two of the couples who got king-sized beds. My partner and I were put in bunk beds. The ceiling fabric was torn 3 feet across and when it rained the end of my bed got wet. The sewage piping was also right underneath our part of the ship so, it smelled like old lacquer and crap.

I cried the first night and was miserable most of the trip because of where we had to sleep.

I just do not want this trip with his family to be as stressful as the one with his friends. His family is in the midst of planning the trip so, I do not think it’s rude to set the expectation that my partner and I need our own room or I am not going.

I am not sure if maybe I just have anxiety from the last trip. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, but if you want to be able to determine your own sleeping arrangements you need to be willing to pay for it. You also need to check in with your partner, because setting this boundary will cause drama and you both need to be willing to stand up for yourselves.

Either, request that they rent a 4 bedroom cabin, with you and your partner paying the difference, or rent your own place. If they aren’t okay with you sleeping in the same room, then it’s okay to say that you won’t be going on vacation with them. Vacation days are precious, you deserve to spend them comfortably.

I have a rule that when my fiancé and I stay with family we need our own room with a door, but I set that rule knowing that I’m willing to pay to make it happen.” photosbeersandteach

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here, it sounds like their rules are consistent across the board and they’re not making you share a bed, just a room with bunk beds, but I understand the want to have private space with a trusted person.

If your relationship progresses and you two get married, I anticipate this will change and you two can bunk together, but for now, it’s their vacation and their rules while you’re a guest. I imagine a cabin won’t have the same issues as a boat in regards to sharing space with pipes so the room will probably be just fine.

It would be a mistake not to go at all because of this rule and completely miss out on any bonding time with his family.” mermecha

-2 points (2 vote(s))
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sctravelgma 5 months ago
You and your partner need to be on the same page with this issue before approaching his family. I you two agree you want your own room, you need to be willing to pay for it. If your partner doesn't agree with you, then you need to decide if you want to go or stay. As long as his parents are paying the tab it is their call
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1. AITJ For Not Sharing My Late Mom's Recipe?

“My mom, before she passed away, gave me (a genderfluid person in my late 30s) a very special recipe for a particular kind of baked good (a kind of a cake let’s call it) that’s made around Easter and told me that it was for me and me alone.

She asked me to promise to not give it away to anyone. She asked me to treasure it and I have for all these years. When speaking with my younger sibling a few days ago, they asked me if I had it as someone else from our extended family wanted to make it. I apologized sincerely and profusely and told them what my mom had told me.

My sibling got really upset and said that it’s literally a recipe in a cookbook, that it’s not some kind of secret recipe.

As a side note, I’ve never seen this cookbook in bookstores since Mom bought it from a store that went out of business when I was a very young child. So, in a way, it kind of is like a secret recipe.

I again apologized and reiterated that it was our mom’s final/dying wish that the recipe doesn’t get shared and I take final wishes as concrete as anything written in a will.

My sibling ended the chat by calling me ridiculous and selfish. Feeling upset, I talked it over with our dad and he said that I didn’t do anything wrong and that honoring her final request was the right thing to do.

He then suggested that I look for a similar recipe online and send that along instead. When my SIL replied to a message I sent her and I told her what went on between my sibling and me, she, although felt that my sibling and my mom wouldn’t have a problem with sharing, still understood and was just as happy with a similar recipe as she wanted to try making it, too.

I found one that was very close and sent it her way and I’ll be doing the same thing for my extended relative.

AITJ for trying to make people happy yet still honoring my late mom’s request?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. If that was your mom’s wish it was your mom’s wish and I do not understand why your siblings want that relative to have the recipe so badly they’re willing to get into an argument about it.

I will admit though it seems a bit strange seeing as it’s a recipe from a cookbook. I can see a self-written or verbally shared recipe not getting shared but a cookbook, no matter how few were printed could still be found somewhere online if your relative wants it that badly. Are you sure your mom meant the recipe and not the physical book not to be given away?” rusalkamaya

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, your mom is, in my opinion. Things that people enjoy should be embraced and shared. If I had a secret recipe for something, I would want it to be shared and enjoyed by others. There’s no reason to make ‘keep this recipe secret’ a dying wish unless your mom was the CEO of Coca-Cola or something.

If you gave out the recipe, people would love you for having a slice of mom/aunt/grandma/etc to remember her by. Instead, she/your honor has forced you into this situation where you have to lie to all your relatives which they’ll either find out about and still be mad or feel bad because they didn’t do it as well as she did.

You’re NTJ, but she’s dead and can’t punish you so I think you should apologize and give out the real recipe.” Detached09

-2 points (2 vote(s))
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