People Come Forward With Their “Am I The Jerk?” Stories
21. AITJ For Telling My Mom I'm Tired Of Being A Second Mom To My Siblings?
“So I (15F) have 3 younger siblings. 9M, 7F and 2F.
My mom doesn’t work since she’s pregnant again and my dad works construction from 5 am to 6 pm so he isn’t home that often.
Now, my mom uses her pregnancy as an excuse for EVERYTHING. She makes me cook a lot for my siblings, clean them, pick out their clothes, change their diapers, and take them to school.
(But she does help sometimes but not enough. I feel more like their parent than their sibling.)
Her excuse is that I asked for siblings so she’s giving me what I want but I asked for siblings when I was 5, this big age gap is NOT what I wanted.
So yesterday, I took my two siblings to school again which is so aggravating because now I’m always late because I have to drop them off and make sure they get home safe. (All of our schools are walking distance.) My mom only drops off my 2-year-old sister because she has to sign her in and stuff.
So when I got home, I finally worked up the courage and told her that I’m tired of being a second mom and that she needs to do her job as a mother because I can’t do anything (like homework) when I have to take care of 3 of her kids.
She basically started yelling at me, saying that I should be grateful that she gave me what I wanted and that since I’m her oldest child, I should be helping her since she’s pregnant. (Only 3 months.) (She has always been like this, just lazy and mean but it got worse the more children she had.)
So then, I started crying because I was very upset and tired of her invalidating my feelings and making everything about herself so I told her I hated her and this life she forced onto me and ran to my room.
Once my dad got home, my mom cried to him and said I was being mean to her so my dad yelled at me which made me feel 10x worse because sometimes I feel like I’m being selfish.
Like yes, I love my family but I really want my own life as well.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I’m not sure where you are, but this is mistreatment, it’s called parentification. Yes, family helps each other, but it seems they have USED you.
Your mom is taking advantage and your father is turning a blind eye it seems like to me. Can you speak to a trusted adult? Are you close to a teacher? Maybe a friend who can tell their parents? A family member? NTJ – not in the slightest.” AVeryBrownGirlNerd
Another User Comments:
“So her excuse for using you as a parent is “that I asked for siblings so she’s giving me what I want”. So you are now responsible for her life choices? OP, NTJ and your mother is abusive. Have you talked to your father about this?
He only got your mother’s “perspective” meaning she played the victim card very well. Would a heart-to-heart with him help or is he absolutely not an option? If your father is not a solution, I’d suggest a grandparent or an aunt or uncle at this point.
I don’t see your situation getting better at home. You’re now being late at school and can’t complete homework. That is not normal.” Ambroisie_Cy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ you need to get your dad aside and explain in detail what’s going on. Without being whiny or exaggerating let him know you’re perfectly willing to help but you won’t be guilted etc and will not be late to school etc. You can let them both know they can work with you helping or they can abuse your time and you’ll be out the door very soon.
This is your parents’ issue and he has no business making more children if his wife is not capable of caring for them.” PeppermintWindFarm
20. AITJ For Not Wanting My Stepbrother To Join My Dad And Me On Vacation?
“My parents are divorced and I (15M) have a stepbrother (13M) and two stepsisters (10F and 9F).
Last year I chose to stay mostly with my dad and I see my mom every other weekend vs the every other week schedule we had before. I prefer living with my dad. My relationship with mom isn’t close and I don’t like her husband or his son.
So it was a no-brainer who I’d be with more once I was old enough to decide. My mom blames my dad. She blames him for everything wrong in our relationship and the relationship with her husband and stepson. Her blaming my dad for everything is kinda why our relationship ended up this way.
When I was younger and they were still married she chose to stay away from school plays and stuff if dad was taking time off work to be there because she didn’t want to be there with him because their marriage wasn’t good. And when I asked her to come she’d tell me it was a choice between her and my dad.
My parents fought about that too and Dad called her childish and told her to put me first. It was easier when they divorced because they fought way less.
My mom isn’t that warm either. She’s fine but not really the kind of parent you could seek comfort from.
She has a really short temper and she saw a lot of people after she and dad filed for divorce and she introduced me to a bunch of random guys and tried to make me like them more than my dad.
When she got married to her husband she made a big deal out of me needing to spend time with his kids and putting the expectation on me to give her time with her husband.
Then her stepson wanted to come with me to my dad’s and he was really trying to be my brother and would get really annoying. Then Mom would annoy me because she said I should include him more. Her husband would get mad at me and say I should stay with them more since his son wanted a brother and he told me his son could come with me to dad’s “some weekends” if I insisted on seeing my dad.
It was extra bad when Dad would take me on vacations and my stepbrother would beg to go with us and I would say no. My mom would tell me to ask my dad and I’d say no. She’d tell me I was a brother whether I wanted to be or not and I would include my sibling who wanted to go.
I told her to pay for a vacation for us all. But I wasn’t letting her stepson intrude when I was with my dad. My birthdays were always a mess too because I got two and Dad always did something fun with me and my friends.
This year is no exception and he’s taking us someplace really awesome. But it’s a place my stepbrother has wanted to go to for years or something and when my dad gave my mom a heads up about it (he has to when he takes me out of state, just like she has to do the same) she told her stepson and he wants to come.
I don’t want him there. Mom told me not to be a jerk and that they can’t afford to take the family there. I told her it wasn’t my problem. Her stepson tracked me down at school and begged me. I told him no.
My mom and her husband told me I was being such a jerk to him.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Please don’t listen to the people urging you to take pity on your stepbrother. That is NOT your job. You’re a kid. You are not an emotional support animal. The pressure your mother, stepfather, and stepbrother are all putting on you to include him is despicable.
Tell your mother straight up that these people are strangers that you are forced to spend time with, that they will never be your family, and you will never ruin your time with your dad babysitting a kid that they don’t want around. Because it’s very clear that’s all they want: they don’t want to deal with him, so they’re foisting him onto you.
Tell your stepbrother politely that the answer will always be no, no matter what his parents say, and he shouldn’t let them disappoint him by saying otherwise. Put the blame back where it belongs. And maybe you should ask your dad to push for full custody, if your mother refuses to do anything but bully you into babysitting her stepson and badmouth the only good parent you’ve got.” Cursd818
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s amazing that your mom and stepdad have such a low opinion of your father when it comes to you, but feels he’s good enough to be around your stepbrother. Sounds like they’re more interested in free babysitting and being alone together than actually fostering a bond between you kids.” Anxious-Routine-5526
Another User Comments:
“I’m gonna say NTJ. I’ve been there & I totally get where you are coming from. My mom did the same thing when she married her third husband. They didn’t let bonds develop naturally, they tried to force the sibling issue, & it backfired. Now?
My sister and I rarely speak to her stepsons & husband & have very little to do with her. Like yours, my mom put herself & what she wanted above everyone and everything else—her children, vows she’d taken to her second husband, a stable home —but it came at a price.
It may take a while, but karma usually comes calling at some point.” curvykitten1991
19. AITJ For Not Wanting To Regularly Walk My Disabled Neighbor's Dog?
“I live in the countryside, tiny village, in one of those houses that is close to your neighbors.
My wife and I work from home and pretty much enjoy staying indoors most of the time. My neighbor is a disabled lady, she has a lung disease that she can’t move much without losing all her breath. She stays at home all the time and rarely goes out, when she does she drives.
I try to help her around when it’s something urgent or a one-time deal. Last time I went to her place for a uno game I got stuck there for 5 hours. Last year she mentioned she got well enough that she could again have a dog.
She had two cats. She used to be a dog trainer for the army.
I normally just like to stay quiet and hang out with my wife, we watch movies, I cook, and we play games.
Recently she started to ask me if I was going out for walks or not, that I should because it’s healthy, and so on.
She is not wrong there, but I normally just forget to go out. Now she started to ask me if I wouldn’t want to take her dog out. I like dogs, but not really interested in her dog. It’s a tiny one, don’t remember the breed. I don’t really want to walk her dog.
She requires medical attention daily, so she does have nurses coming every day, they sometimes take her dog out for a bit. I’m pretty sure if I do it once she will want it to become a regular thing. I avoid answering her or simply forget about it because I’m forgetful.
But am I the jerk for not helping her?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you do your part which is good enough! You are not her family, you’re a helpful young man. For odd jobs or one-offs for sure, go and help, but a regular dog walking gig for nothing but a tiresome conversation at the end is not on your list of requirements.
I don’t like tiny dogs either. Maybe offer fencing in her yard so the dog can roam free?” lysgenesis
Another User Comments:
“I’d be more inclined to be sympathetic to her if her health had deteriorated after she had the dog. Okay, yes, she’d told you her health had improved enough for her to have a dog, but still she should have considered the needs of the dog and ensured a contingency was in place – whether a professional dog walker or a volunteer – prior to getting the dog, in case she struggled to care for her dog’s needs.
The fact that she tried to talk you into walking, then dropped in the idea of you walking her dog whilst you were at it, is just plain rude. NTJ.” Ok-Status-9627
Another User Comments:
“I’m a professional trainer who does boarding for my training clients only.
I do not desire to deal with other people’s dogs just for the fun of it. Folks ask me all the time if I’ll do them a favor and let their dogs out. Or they’re going out of town and they need a sitter, swear it’s a good dog.
They’re short on funds and can’t afford “an arm and a leg”. Whenever I reject people asking me to provide cheap services or freebies (I’m assuming this is a freebie), I offer an alternative in my rejection. “No ma’am, but here is a contact that would love to accommodate you.” And be done with it.” tessellatek
18. AITJ For Not Warning My Sister That Not All Babysitting Jobs Are Like Mine?
“I am a babysitter to a 10-year-old with cancer. It is by far the easiest/cushiest job I’ve ever had.
When Ava is in the hospital she’s either napping or playing with friends. All I have to do is make her lunch, make her do her homework, push her IV pole when she walks, and help when she needs to use the bathroom (get her on/off the toilet, she can do the rest).
When she’s not in the hospital we have a lot of fun. Her mom lets me take her anywhere or do anything with her as long as she comes back alive. No budget and I get reimbursed for everything. We’ve gone to arcades, amusement parks, ice skating, movies, museums, etc. and I honestly love hanging out with her.
On top of this, her mom spoils me. Every morning when I get to work, she asks if I’ve eaten. If I say no she gives me $20 for breakfast and coffee. If I babysit at night she gives me $50 to DoorDash food for myself in case I get hungry and if I don’t use it she tells me to think of it as a bonus.
This is on top of having free rein of the pantry. My suitcase was lost after a 2 week vacation and her mom gave me $150 to buy some clothes until my suitcase was recovered.
I travel with the family 3 times a year and get an all-expenses paid trip to work 2-5 hours a day (paid at 1.5x my normal rate) so the mom can go out with her other kids while Ava rests.
I tell my sister all about this job. She recently lost her job and decided to start babysitting. She has a 5-year-old girl and 8-year-old boy and hates it. She makes less than me for more kids with more energy, she doesn’t get money for food when she babysits, she doesn’t get to take the kids anywhere she wants and get paid for it, she doesn’t get to hang out on her phone for 3 hours a day, and the parents aren’t as nice as Ava’s mom.
Apparently, I led her to believe that every job was going to be as cushy as mine by always talking about it and she blames me for her hating her job.
Our mom thinks I should’ve told her that not every family is going to be like Ava’s and that I should’ve warned her that it could be hard.
AITJ for not warning her that not every job is like mine and that she’d have to work if she got a babysitting job?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you’re not responsible for managing your sister’s expectations about real life. All you were doing was talking about how happy you were with the wonderful people you work for.
(Which tacitly delivers the message that not all employers are wonderful people.) By the way, I bet they tell all their friends about how happy they are with the wonderful person who works for them. You are giving their seriously ill daughter all kinds of great experiences and I bet they can’t believe their luck in finding you.” Dear-Midnight
Another User Comments:
“What the heck. NTJ. Your mom needs to step back and learn that you aren’t your sister’s keeper. She wanted a babysitting job and got one. Just because it’s a very different dynamic in comparison to yours, doesn’t mean that’s in any way your fault.
I babysat a lot as a teenager and some parents were absolutely amazing!! Others would stay out till 3 am and not pay me or let me know. It’s definitely a hit-or-miss type of job. That is the risk you take when choosing to watch other people’s children.
None of this is on you. It’s a bad situation for your sister but that’s not your fault whatsoever.” ToxicChildhood
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and I can’t believe it hasn’t been mentioned yet; Does OP’s sister not realize that part of the reason that OP’s job is so cushy is because of a 10-year-old with cancer?
As great as the financial benefit is, I’d imagine that still comes with a bit of an emotional burden; parents don’t care what the cost is, they want their child alive and happy and in the end, hopefully healthy. If they’re in a position to throw money at whatever and whomever to guarantee it best they can, they will (and it sounds like they are).” zryinia
17. AITJ For Refusing Baby Gifts From My Estranged Sisters?
“For context, I am completely estranged from my toxic family (both parents and siblings) and have been since I was a teen. Household was super abusive, we were constantly in & out of foster care and it was a cycle I wanted out of. Over the years one of my sisters and I got close-ish, she had a baby and it was pretty traumatic for her so I spent a lot of time helping them out so she could heal and adjust ..
she ended up making me the godmother and I was thrilled. I love that little boy with everything I have!
A few years after he was born, I found out that I was pregnant… around the same time I found out my sister was feeding information about me to our abusive parents, which led to them harassing and stalking my partner and me.
The stress caused me to miscarry. It was an incredibly devastating time, we ended up putting a restraining order on my parents and I moved away to a different province to be safe as I tried to heal from this. This is when I fell out with my sister.
Long story short, she texted me to tell me that she was pregnant again & that she could not trust me with her kids (after I spent my last few days in their province with her son/my godson). I was grieving the loss of my own baby, grieving the loss of my parents ever being healthy normal people, and now grieving the loss of the relationship with my only biological family that still risked talking to me.
Flash to now, about 7 years later, I am back in the province with my partner and found out we are pregnant. Currently, I am in 3rd trimester and baby is doing amazing, I want to do absolutely everything and anything I possibly can to protect them.
Since announcing we are expecting, my sister has reached out here and there congratulating me and asking how I’m doing through the process. I’ve been keeping the conversations very surface level and haven’t gone into details, I guess I’m scared to get attached or risk my baby getting attached just to be disappointed again.
Last night out of nowhere she told me that she and my other sister whom I haven’t spoken to or seen in over a decade have bought me a baby swing and asked if I was having a shower or if I just wanted them to give it to my partner’s mother (she works with her) & this is where I might be the jerk.
I told her that while I’m grateful they’re trying to help, I’m just not comfortable taking gifts from people who are practically strangers to me. We don’t know each other like that anymore and I would like to at least be at a stable talking point with them before we do anything extra.
She responded with “I thought we were grown enough to move on from that” but … we haven’t even talked about it so how can we move on? I’m not comfortable with pretending nothing happened and I don’t want to risk extra stress during this pregnancy but I’m feeling guilty for “holding a grudge”.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you and your partner need to protect your child from the cycle of abuse that you grew up in. “Last night out of nowhere she told me that she and my other sister whom I haven’t spoken to or seen in over a decade have bought me a baby swing and asked if I was having a shower or if I just wanted them to give it to my partner’s mother (she works with her).” Make sure your partner’s mother knows to keep your sister on a very surface-level information diet regarding the pregnancy and baby.
Good luck OP.” Comfortable-Sea-2454
Another User Comments:
“Honestly, why are you still in any contact with her? She gave information to your abusers who used that to stalk you. You had to get a restraining order and move to make it stop. I know your normal meter is broken, but sweetie YOUR SISTER DOES NOT HAVE YOUR BEST INTERESTS AT HEART.
She is a stranger to you. A stranger. You don’t accept gifts from strangers, ever. Of course, you are NTJ, but for your safety and that of your partner and child, please rethink any contact with her. You’ve done an amazing job of protecting yourself so far, don’t stop now!” CalicoHippo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Absolutely NTJ. It sounds like you have very good reasons for keeping your family out of your life. I do want to make one correction, because this myth causes a lot of women to blame themselves for miscarriages – they are not caused by stress.
There is no evidence that stress is capable of causing miscarriage. Miscarriages are caused by severe genetic defects within the embryo that are incompatible with life. I understand the drive to blame your family, because grief does that to people and because they HAVE caused you a lot of pain.
But it is important to understand that the miscarriage would have happened anyway. Your family being in your life had nothing to do with that because that’s just not how miscarriage works. ” lordmwahaha
16. AITJ For Refusing To Remove My Tree Despite My Neighbor's Complaints?
“My wife and I (44m) bought and moved into our house in 2015.
My neighbour (60s?f) has apparently lived in her house since the 1980s and lives alone. We live in suburban Australia on the outskirts of town with no back neighbours. My backyard has a large established alder tree which we love, it is next to a fence which the neighbour’s driveway runs along.
Each year since I’ve lived here, my neighbour has become increasingly annoyed about the tree during winter. This is the approx timeline:
1. The neighbour said the tree needs pruning because in winter it blocks her sun. We pruned it.
2. Tree grew back so we agreed to make sure I get it pruned each winter.
3. Next year I got it pruned but she wasn’t happy so said her partner would trim it because some branches were too close to her house (I would disagree). I said ok. I was away for the day but when I got home wife said he was up the tree with a chainsaw and had piled the limbs in my backyard, then lit a bonfire.
Wife assumed I had asked him to do this, I had not. The tree was completely butchered.
4. It miraculously grew back, then a few years later my street had plumbing problems. Neighbour blamed the tree saying the roots were getting into the terracotta sewer system and that’s why it grows so tall.
Her partner at that stage worked for the water corporation here so he apparently put his camera down the sewer and said that yes, the tree is blocking the drain, and they said, well, the only solution is to get it removed. I called some plumbers to come and check cause I wanted another opinion, and they found a blockage and unblocked it, but they said that no tree roots were found.
Fast forward to Monday, and my neighbour is furious. Out of the blue, she sent a message saying the tree must go because:
- Seeds get into the car engine and she can’t drive her car anymore
- Seeds build up behind the windscreen seals so they leak, and she has replaced 3 windscreens because of this
- Her heat pump outdoor unit gets clogged with seeds
- She gets no sun until “mid morning” but can’t afford to pay for heating because she is retiring soon
- She had some renos done in the 80s to do something with the heat flow in her house, but this no longer matters because the tree blocks the sun
- Mould problems
- Her clothesline gets blocked by the sun in the morning (I’m pretty sure it doesn’t) so she needs to use a dryer, but can’t afford to anymore
- She needs to pressure clean her driveway every spring because it gets mouldy and slippery
- Her gutters and deck are “full of leaves all the time”
- She gets no TV reception
She said the only solution is to remove it and plant a hedge, and she would help me pay for this. But I said no, the tree is staying, I’ll just get the pruner in early. She says if she’s not happy with the prune she will seek legal action.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Leave the tree as it is. If your neighbour is unhappy they can always move. If the tree were actually causing problems then the local government (council) would officially notify you to take action. Trees are a precious resource, especially in housing areas.
I would advise you to aim a security camera at the tree in case your neighbour attempts to cut it down in your absence. If they damage it in any way take legal action against them.” No-To-Newspeak
Another User Comments:
“I tend to think NTJ, seems to me your neighbour has become fixated and is now quite obviously looking for excuses to justify removing the tree (windscreen replacements, really?) Have you familiarised yourself with the tree disputes between neighbours act?
I could be wrong but I’m pretty sure she would need to prove damage to her property to take this any further. Look into the act and your legal position, and if all good, stand your ground.” Phydeaux_III
15. AITJ For Refusing To Pay My Partner's Child Support Loan To His Mom?
“My partner of two years had to pay $800 child support that he owed in order to reinstate his license or go to jail.
This was a while ago. His mom paid it, he’s paying her back $50/week. I work but he got fired last week, he has yet to find a new job. Then he got arrested for something else. Bad week. He should be out tomorrow.
Today his mom texted me about this week’s $50. I told her I won’t be paying it. I said I understood he would’ve gone to jail if she hadn’t loaned him the money, but it’s his child – his responsibility. I also have to pay her $100 for his insurance in a few days.
I already pay (not her) $50/week for rent, and I’ll be paying an extra $400 at the end of the month for our rent. (I know, it’s complicated.)
This was her response: “You are his partner so that means you have to cover him just like he has covered you with my help.
He made that deal with Nana to pay each week and she does not know he’s in jail.”
I haven’t said anything back yet. AITJ for not paying it? I want to say when he starts a new job I wouldn’t mind, but I want to set this boundary now.
For some reason, the fact it was his child support for a kid with his ex that he rarely even sees, bothers me. I feel it’s not fair I’m expected to pay it.
One more thing: him being in jail feels irrelevant to the issue… All it means is I have even less help with bills.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. A guy who can’t even pay his child support but needs mommy to bail him out is more than a red flag. Mommy then asks his partner to pay his debts, which is another red flag. He’s now in jail. Because he doesn’t want to testify is not really Robin Hood material. And he’s lost his job?
I would recommend running and making him an ex-partner.” Playful_Robot_5599
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – but this statement is incorrect: him being in jail feels irrelevant to the issue. It’s the whole crux of the issue. If he hadn’t paid his PAST DUE child support (this should be a massive red flag) he was going to jail.
He had to borrow the money to pay it even with a job. Then he goes and gets arrested for something else. Lastly, now his family is coming after you for HIS debt. Why are you with this person? Seems like you can do better.
Who cares what he looks like or how he talks to you or makes you feel. This is your life. Is this what you really want?” slap-a-frap
Another User Comments:
“Girl. At this point, you are doing it to yourself. Stop asking these nonsense questions and ask yourself the real one – what are you doing with this person and all of his nonsense?
You are going to ruin your life over a deadbeat dad who depends on his mommy and his partner to supply all of his needs and wants, all while he can’t keep his backside in a job or out of jail. I’ve been there. I’m not trying to be cruel.
It took me four years to walk away. And my life got infinitely better. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Especially when that person wouldn’t even bother picking up a stick for kindling.” Internal-Student-997
14. AITJ For Defending My Expertise Against My Father's Doubts?
“I (F28) am a wildlife biologist. I have a master’s degree in Wildlife Conservation and am hoping to go for my doctorate soon. I have worked in this field since I was 16, and am very passionate about it.
When visiting my family recently for Easter, my mom asked me to tell the family a little bit about work.
I was very excited to talk about my current research! Here’s where the issue comes in, though.
My father (M60) would respond to almost everything I said with “hmm, I don’t know about that…” At first, I tried to ignore it, but it just. Didn’t.
Stop. Eventually, I responded, “Well, I do, given the two degrees and all!” I responded in a light, playful tone, but he did not take it well at all. He immediately accused me of being disrespectful. I responded, “I’m sorry, but it’s disrespectful of you to insinuate that you know more than I do about my field.”
Dinner got pretty quiet after that. I finished the meal, helped with the dishes, and said goodbye before leaving, but on the ride home I got a phone call from my mother asking me why I felt the need to aggravate my father and why I had to “talk back.” I am a 28-year-old professional, this feels insane to me.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“A great reply might be, “Oh, no? Tell me more about why you don’t agree.” Let him talk himself into a corner or off a cliff. He’s not gonna know your field as well as you do, and he’ll make a fool of himself trying to appear that he does.
There’s a famous quote that goes, “Never interrupt your enemy when he’s making a mistake.” Now, of course, he’s not your enemy but you get the idea.” Emily-Q-Spinach
Another User Comments:
“Every. single. family dinner. My humungous family has an opinion on everything.
The number of times they are flat-out wrong about biology is stunning. I have had every possible reaction, anger, bemusement, deafness, irritation, debating. In the end, whether I take the high road or the low road, I often feel like a jerk. Deafness or shrugging is usually my best defense against vague “I don’t knows”.
I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you. (then give a cheeky wink) I don’t have the time or the crayons to explain this to you. (then laugh as if everyone is in on the joke) Finally: Mark Twain: Never argue with stupid people.
They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience. Good luck going forward. NTJ.” jensmith20055002
Another User Comments:
“Honestly your dad sounds rude but your mom was 100% wrong with the phone call. SHE instigated a conversation about it specifically because it’s what you have studied, you weren’t “aggravating” your father, he was insulting you by undermining your knowledge on something you LITERALLY HAVE DEGREES IN.
And all you did was point that out. The audacity. NTJ op.” Mental-Woodpecker300
13. AITJ For Arguing With My Partner's Mother Who Constantly Criticizes Me?
“I am a 25F and he is a 27M. We have been together for 6 years and are thinking about marriage in 2-3 years.
My partner is very family-oriented, which is one of the traits that I fell in love with. However, he is also a momma’s boy. He believes that since his parents raised him, he should “pay them back” by respecting them. However, his way of respecting them is by obeying everything that they say and want.
His parents and I have crossed paths over the years and on most of these occasions, his parents have made off-handed comments about my physical appearance, my career, and “how I have changed their son”. When something goes wrong in their son’s life, they are quick to blame me as the reason for his downfall even if I had no involvement in that aspect of his life.
Since my partner and I are seriously thinking about marriage, we have been meeting up with his parents and my parents more often. During one of the dinners with his parents, my potential future MIL said she would be sad if I married her son because she does not think she & I have a close relationship.
I was in shock by her statement and did not respond back. After that moment of silence, she continued to ask me if I agreed that we did not have the best relationship. I think at this point, the initial shock was disappearing and I started to feel hurt by her words.
In response to her question, I said that I don’t think we have a close relationship because I often feel attacked by her. I then continued to list a few prime examples. As we discussed these examples, the conversation became more heated and turned into a full-blown argument.
The last thing I remember saying to her was that if my partner and I ever broke up, it would be all her fault.
Now, she complains to her son about me all the time and refuses to speak to me. Her behavior is causing some strain in my relationship.
AITJ for arguing with her? I come from a cultural background where respecting your elders is pretty much the golden rule.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You do realize that if you marry him, you’re marrying his parents, right? You will have to contend with this battle your whole marriage.
Since he’s a momma’s boy, I just don’t see him standing up for you. Your MIL is a piece of work and manipulative AF. She knows the control she has over her son. You will be constantly battling her for his attention and for him to prioritize you over her.
Based on what you’ve told me, I don’t see him standing up for you, like AT ALL. Speak with your partner and ask him if he’s willing to go to couples counseling with you. See if there is some way you can come to an agreement about how much MIL can be in your lives, how much say she has, and if he will stick to the boundaries set.
I’m really concerned he won’t be able to stand up to her. Good luck OP.” goldenfingernails
Another User Comments:
“How was her behavior not causing a strain in your relationship before??? Are you really sure you want to marry someone who will always prioritize his parents’ wants?
Seriously think about it because, by extension, you too will be forced to do what they want. What if you get an amazing career opportunity but it requires moving? Will you not be allowed to move far? Does she get a say in the new home you move into?
What about how it’s decorated? Will she get to unilaterally decide she gets to visit and for how long? How much sway does she get over wedding decisions/plans/etc? What if y’all have kids, will she have a say in what they’re named, how they’re raised, how the nursery is decorated, will she want to be in the room while you’re in labor?
How much does your partner have your back when it comes to his parents?” Famous_Connection_91
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you really need to think about if marrying a mamma’s boy is really going to be the best thing for you. Once you have kids, she will really become a problem – you will never be rid of her.
She will make you feel like crap until she dies. Which she will probably blame you for.” alien_overlord_1001
12. AITJ For Wanting To Invite Extra Guests To Our Wedding To Please My Parents?
“I (27F) and my fiance (30m) are getting married in September. Originally we wanted to have a reception with 85 guests, but the venue I really wanted stated we HAD to invite 100 guests. So, we went ahead with the venue I wanted and invited 100 people.
After the invitations had been sent out, my parents were upset to find out we did not invite 4 of their closest friends and their spouses (8 people in total) but they thought it would not be a big deal to ask us to invite these 8 people.
My parents are the extremely generous type and I am very spoiled. For this wedding alone they have brought forward $10,000 (pays for more than half the wedding) and my mom paid for my wedding dress. And their generosity goes beyond what they have paid for the wedding (helping me get through university debt-free, paying a portion of our house downpayment, helping me buy a new car, and just all around being there for me emotionally).
And for all this, I want to invite these guests to make them happy, as it would make me happy and I want to show them I appreciate all they have done for me (it’s much easier than paying them back lol).
My fiance does not share this opinion and insists this wedding cannot go above 100 guests.
He agreed to invite them after the RSVP date provided space becomes available, but I really think most guests invited will RSVP yes. I explained to him that I want to show my parents my appreciation for all they have done for me, but he said he would sooner give them their money back than invite these 8 guests.
We have had several arguments and I have shed many tears over this issue, but he will not budge.
He thinks my parents are the jerk because of the last-minute attempt to change our guest list, and I think he is being the jerk for being unreasonably stubborn.
And perhaps I am the jerk for not taking his side on this after all it was me who wanted the bigger venue. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. The wedding is for both people and the husband gets an equal say. Obviously, you are leaving stuff out and this post is biased towards you but context clues would leave me to believe that he is the only one who has to keep “compromising” and you think he is the bad guy after he kept giving in to your demands when he finally says no.” Long-Radish18
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, I don’t get why your parents couldn’t ask when the extra space needed filling and only made a big deal after the fact. If numbers are his max, then cut 8 off your list to accommodate both sides. There is a reason why a seemingly stupid hill to die on is this very hill he is prepared to die on.” Ill_Tea1013
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It seems like because you’re spoiled you’re used to just getting your way and using the bank of mummy and daddy to make your dreams come true. While it may be a dream come true for you, because you value their cash rather than your independence, that might not be the same for your fiancé, who may just want a little more say in his life.
He might just now be realizing that you’re going to use your parents’ money to steamroll any decision in your marriage and he doesn’t want that. Some couples counseling might help but only if you’re interested in cutting the apron strings — at all, or ever.” SunMoonTruth
11. AITJ For Not Going Back To A Dinner After Not Being Let In Initially?
“I (34F) was invited to my friend’s (47M) house for dinner.
For context, that friend happens to be my ex.
I still see him often, we go to each other’s houses and still attend events together. The dinner was with him, his kids (my former step-children), his former in-laws (the kids’ maternal grandparents), and another couple (the kids’ maternal aunt and uncle).
Getting invited to that dinner felt weird from the get-go.
I haven’t seen most of these people since my friend and I broke up over a year ago. I used to see them at birthday parties or school concerts for the kids, and was never close to them. However, my friend kept asking me to come, even after I initially declined the invitation.
On the day of the dinner, he texted me at 4 PM telling me to arrive at 5 PM. I arrived there on time (with wine and gifts of course) and noticed his former in-laws’ car in the driveway. I knocked on the door at least three times, each time louder than before.
I texted him that I was at the door. I called him. No answer. It was cold outside, so I went back to my car and waited for him to see my text or my call. After 15 minutes, I gave up and went back home (I live 10-15 minutes away).
I was annoyed (he had already done the same thing to me when we were together, before I moved in with him), but I didn’t want to ruin anyone else’s evening.
My friend called me around 5:40 and casually asked me how I was and when I was going to join them (I believe he genuinely didn’t read my message before calling me).
I told him I had shown up, had knocked several times, called and texted. He asked me if I was coming back. I told him no, that I was home. We hung up. Ten minutes later, he texted me to apologize and to let me know that dinner would be served in about 30 minutes.
I didn’t reply to his text and didn’t go. I know I could’ve gone easily, but I wasn’t in a great mood after all of that and I can’t say that I was excited to go from the start.
Now he is upset.
He seems to think it was childish on my part to not drive back and attend the dinner.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – he sounds very manipulative. Instead of calling you to apologize for not hearing you, he acted like you were late and never showed. Why would he assume that?
Then instead of asking you to come back he just said “are you coming back” not acknowledging anything.. The fact you are second-guessing yourself makes me think he really messed with your head. Thank god he’s an ex.” Grimalkinnn
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and frankly it’s inconsiderate of him that he knew what time you had been invited and yet made no effort to keep an eye/ear out for your arrival. He evidently did not really care if you came, and I think the reason he acted upset was to avoid the shame of his rude mistake of ignoring you.” frauleingitte
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but, seriously, why are imagining he didn’t hear the door or “forgot” for a second? He specified the time you should turn up. I would block him and the entire former family. He is so NOT your friend. That behavior is manipulative at best and abusive at worst. He specified the time and then deliberately didn’t answer the door.
If it had been a genuine invitation then he wouldn’t have “forgotten” and would have had an ear out for you. Nobody there heard anything at the front door? I call nonsense. I’m so sorry but I strongly suspect they were all laughing at his power play and at you waiting patiently for the door to be opened when they knew it never was going to be.
The ‘apology’ is simply him wanting to keep that connection a bit longer so he can keep playing you for his own (and his kid’s?) amusement. You’re still in your early 30s, go and get a new circle of friends who aren’t playing power games with you.
You deserve at least one decent friend who will introduce you to the experience of being treated fairly in true friendship.” cynical_old_mare
10. AITJ For Asking My Wife To Skip Her Gym Class For My Aunts' Rare Visit?
“My aunts, who are almost like my parents, who raised me during my teenage years, are visiting my city. They rarely go out of where they live and go on vacations. After so much convincing for a year between my sister and me, they finally decided to.
It’s like a mini vacation to them.
My kids are on spring break for that week too and had no plan for the day. So my sister and I decided to take them someplace on that day (of course, along with my wife).
Her first reaction when I said it – “Oh.
I have gym class that day. I haven’t been there for a week,” to which my response is “Can you not skip it?”
After a few days, she kept saying “Can I not go” and such. I responded yesterday and just said “Could you just go for me?
To make me happy?”
Today, she brought it up again to which I have no response. Then when we were choosing the time, she suggested the afternoon cause morning is her gym hour. I told her it’d be too hot in the afternoon and morning is better.
Then she said she really wants to go to the gym. Then I just told her “is your gym really that important?” And now she’s mad.
Context: she’s not an exercise freak or anything. She just started going to this gym class like 4 months ago.
Before that, she never does any gym or exercise anyway.
Last week, our kid was sick. We brought him home. She missed her class, and I even okayed her leaving the kid with me while she went to a makeup class. Btw, I work from home and she doesn’t work at all.
She’s a SAHM.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Her behavior is a bit strange, it’s the gym, she can go whenever? Your aunts never travel and are finally visiting and she says “I don’t wanna”, childish truly. She should support you here, any loving partner would as long as they are able (and gym isn’t a good enough excuse).” Schnauzerbear
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is a very special occasion for your family, and IMO, your wife should go with you all to get to know your aunts, help to host them and make them comfortable, and be present at a rare family gathering. Your wife seems oddly uncomfortable, really rather agitated. Is there something else going on about this event?
Of course, the morning would be better, especially as these ladies are older and won’t want to wait around all morning. If there are make-up classes at the gym, then she can plan to do that the same week. I think she should make an exception to her schedule given the special nature of this outing.
The only concern I have about you is when you said, “I EVEN okayed her leaving the kid with me while she went to class”. That hints at you controlling her schedule most of the time, and needing to approve when she goes to the gym.
Can’t you look after your sick child for an hour or so? Why do you see that as so generous of yourself?” Euphoric_Travel2541
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – People questioning why does OP want his wife there when his aunts are visiting are either lonely people or extremely dense.
Like are you really asking why does OP want his wife, who he loves, to be there when his aunts, who he thinks of as his parents, visit so they could all spend time together, when said aunts haven’t visited them in so so long?
Your wife is selfish if she can’t skip one gym day in order to spend time with your family visiting. It’s not like you’re asking her to skip a whole week or anything extreme. Either your wife doesn’t like your aunts for some reason or she’s hiding something.” Scary_Inevitable379
9. AITJ For Telling My Addict Husband He Brings Nothing To The Table?
“My husband (43M) and I (42F) have been together for 23 years, have a son and home together.
My husband has had significant drinking problems for about 15 years and as a result, lacks emotional maturity in high-stress situations and reacts very badly.
In November I got a promotion at work and he got a small wage increase so things were looking up. However, he started complaining about the toxic work environment and started not going in when it got too much. Around Christmas, this ramped up to where he was calling in every week for one or two days.
Three weeks ago, he was offered the chance to have a trial run at a new position. Unfortunately, it fell through. His manager told him in front of the team. He was embarrassed and angry. For the last three weeks, he has refused to go into work and has not looked for another job either.
He got a doctor to give him a week off for stress and he has now used up all his annual leave and he is no longer earning an income. The doctor has recommended a psychological appointment and she talked about antidepressants but couldn’t due to his addiction.
Now my husband has always been a somewhat functioning heavy drinker. He gets himself to and from work, cooks dinner every night, and does the yard work and some basic chores. However, except for work, I do all the driving, most of the household chores, manage the stuff for our son and I am in charge of managing our finances (which he has complete oversight and input into).
Over the last three weeks, he has not only stopped working but also doing anything around the house. He takes his tablets, has stopped eating, and increased his drinking intake despite the tablets. He has become very irritable and is directing it at me and has been verbally abusive at times and at the same time extremely demanding.
I am at the end of my rope and am seriously considering divorce. We got into an argument two days ago because he again refused to go to work. I told him that he has gone from giving me his absolute minimum to now not bringing anything to the table.
How I am considering separation unless he pulls himself together and gets the help he needs.
He has now been distant and seems angry at me. So AITJ for telling my husband he brings nothing to the table.”
Another User Comments:
“I would start with a separation, which may be the “wake-up call” he needs.
For some people with drinking problems, the loss of a job isn’t enough to make them realize the tailspin they’re in, but rather, job loss, loss of spouse, family, home, and then some makes them finally see…hopefully, and then you can rebuild (hopefully) in time, without too much damage.
If he fails to wake up, then at least you and your son can move forward. It sucks because you have so much history together, but you cannot force someone to change, they have to want to do it themselves, and the only surefire way to do that is for them to see for themselves the destruction they, and only they, are doing themselves and how it is impacting those they profess to love and care about.” Grouchy_Reindeer_227
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ if you keep raising your son in this environment. The “extremely demanding,” comment is alarming. That alone is reason to leave. It should never be demanded – always mutually wanted. Words aren’t working. You need to get yourself and your son out of this situation.
Is this the type of relationship you would want for your son? No? Then stop demonstrating to your son that it’s acceptable to treat your spouse the way your husband is treating you.” badmamathree
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He likely won’t get better until he hits rock bottom.
But you still need to try to get him to understand the situation now. He needs to know that you’ll support him when he’s ready to start improving, but that you aren’t going to just watch him death spiral. He’s actively making his own life worse and not putting in the effort to improve it.
He has to start putting in the work to get sober before he can ever get better. I wish you both the best of luck. And I hope he can get through this without destroying all of his relationships first.” CrimsenOverlord
8. AITJ For Exposing A Non-Contributing Group Member, Resulting In Her Failing The Course?
“So I had a group project at university which accounted for 90% of the grade meaning that if you failed it, you fail the course.
This group consisted of 3 people including me. I did all of the coding which is fine because I like coding and don’t mind doing the extra work.
The other team member contributed more in terms of writing the report and I also helped with it.
However, there was this girl who did not contribute anything at all. She only attended half the meetings and never contributed with any ideas. Even when told by us to speak up, she did not say much.
As an introverted person, I understand this so I didn’t judge her much. However, when it came to doing the agreed-upon tasks she almost always failed to deliver. She neither worked on the code nor the report.
The rest of the team members communicated this to her many times to see if there was an improvement but there wasn’t.
When it came to the peer reviews at the end of the project I felt like I shouldn’t be failing her as that would be a jerk move. The project the rest of us delivered was exceptional so there was no need to make her pay.
So I rated her averagely and just gave some encouraging feedback.
When the teacher read everyone else’s feedback though, he realized that there were issues with the girl’s contribution. So he asked us to meet with him and tell him our exact contribution.
During the meeting, the girl claimed she worked on the code and that most of it was done by her.
At this point, I became quite angry and exposed her in front of the professor. The other guy also backed me up. The professor said he’ll reassess the situation and decide our individual grades.
To nobody’s surprise, the girl got a 0 and failed the course.
After this, she sent me messages saying I was a total jerk and what I did was completely unfair. Apparently, she now has to repeat another year and cannot afford the fees. I felt bad for her and said if she let me know this before the meeting, I would have allowed her to claim some of my work, but she didn’t.
She still called me a jerk, a loser, and other obscenities though and I just muted her chat.
AITJ for making her fail and putting her in additional debt?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I started reading this thinking you were gonna be the jerk, ready to comment ‘just let her claim some credit, it’s just uni, it’s not that deep’.
But I think you acted reasonably and didn’t expose her until she started coming for your work without prior warning. She on the other hand is acting unreasonably because she didn’t do her work, claimed your work as hers without warning, and then harassed you via text about it, blaming you for the consequences of her actions.
If she knew she couldn’t afford to fail she should have put some effort into passing, instead of putting the blame on you for not covering up her lies. You don’t owe her anything.” gymbr000
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Not only did she claim to do some of the coding work, she then said she did ALL of it.
So she didn’t contribute to the project with work or ideas, and didn’t come to all of the meetings, but she then had the audacity to claim she did most of the coding, and she’s shocked that you refuted her claim and that she failed the course.
Why should you have let her take credit for work she didn’t do? Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Mess around and find out. And all that.” fallingintopolkadots
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and hopefully she learned a lesson from this. Had a similar experience — senior project, some girl was tacked onto my great hand-picked team, not only did she do essentially nothing but the easy tasks we forced her to do (write the background section of the report) she PLAGIARIZED entire paragraphs, not even from reputable sources, and put our entire team at risk of failing.
I caught the plagiarism while proofing it (she used words I knew she couldn’t possibly know) and called her out on it and she said she’d fix it but didn’t, I ended up having to spend an extra few days during finals week making sure none of the filler sections she worked on contained land mines.
I WISH she got a 0 instead of the A she didn’t earn.” iAmACatThisIsACat
7. AITJ For Not Wanting To Meet My Half-Brother Who Initially Rejected Me?
“I (25F) have a half-brother (40M) (Note: my dad’s son).
My mom (64F), my dad (65 M), my other brother (27M), and I live in the USA while my half-brother, his wife, and his kid live in Mexico (Note: my whole family is from Mexico).
I have never met my half-brother. I never knew I had a half-brother until my dad told me when I was 15 when he came back from my uncle’s house inebriated and told me and my other brother about him.
I looked him up on a social media platform, found his page, and everything my dad said checked out: the name, his family.
He even lives in the same state my parents are from, he looks exactly like my dad.
I sent him a friend request, he (surprisingly) accepted it. I texted him, told him who I was. I wanted to get to know him, my nephew, and my twin nieces, his wife, but he told me he knew who I was.
He doesn’t want anything to do with me and my other brother since our dad left his mom to be with my mom. He resents all of us, he blocked me.
Now to the present. A few cousins and I are going to Mexico this June.
My dad told my half-brother that we should meet. I guess he has had a change of heart because he said yes, that he was willing to pick me up from the airport, that I could stay at his house with his kids and wife.
I told my dad thanks but no thanks, that what he told me last time was messed up, that I don’t want to meet him, I don’t want anything to do with him. My mom agreed with me, telling my dad that my half-brother shouldn’t have talked to me like that when I was a minor.
My half-brother unblocked me on social media, apologized to me, told me he wants to meet me and my other brother.
I’ll put here what I told him but it’ll be in English:
“Thank you for the apology (brother’s name) but when I go to Mexico this June I don’t want you to meet me.
I don’t want to talk to you. If I’m being honest, I don’t see you as a brother, you’re just a stranger to me. I want to keep it that way.”
He told my dad. My dad called me a jerk, telling me to get over what he told me when I was 15 because we were just kids, which is stupid because when I was 15 he was 30.
But my other brother told me to just meet him so our dad can shut up, that I was kinda being a jerk.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You get to make your own decisions about who you want to let into your life.
He’s apologized, and you’ve thanked him for it, but that doesn’t have to mean you want to meet him. You won’t be at fault no matter what you decide. If you want a more limited, controlled meeting (staying at his home sounds like a lot!), you could offer to join them one evening for dinner – at their home or a restaurant, as they choose.
It might be nice to meet the kids, who are innocent in this. Do beware of unintentional reciprocal expectations that might come with staying at their home, if you’re not up for likewise hosting, etc.” ParsimoniousSalad
Another User Comments:
“Your dad is the jerk for telling you to get over it and for abandoning his first family.
You’re NTJ for being upset at how your half-brother responded. Your half-brother is a soft jerk due to how harsh he was to a young teenager, and because all he had to do was just not accept your friend request in the first place. His resentment is understandable but he took it out on the wrong person.
As for meeting him, if you don’t feel comfortable with it then don’t do it. It’s your decision alone to make. Would I? I might, but I would not stay in his home.” Bugdafug
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you can decide to meet or not.
The only thing to think about is that he might have been 30 at the time but you didn’t know what he went through growing up without a dad or if he felt abandoned due to your dad. Yes you were a child when you reached out but maybe he did therapy or talked to people to understand things and he’s gotten better through these years.
He could have just reacted to hearing from the child that his dad raised and he lashed out at you in the message. He should have apologized before now and that is completely on him. Maybe wait until the last day and meet so you can get some answers and then make a decision after that.” Adventurous-travel1
6. AITJ For Not Switching To My New Brother-In-Law As My Real Estate Agent?
“So I’ve been looking to buy a house for a few years now. The hot housing market has made it difficult so it’s been dragging now, but I’ve gone to a handful of showings with a local agent already and still communicate somewhat regularly with this agent to update his automated filter/search engine.
In that time, my sister got married to my now brother-in-law who works in a family business as a real estate agent. They live about 30-40 minutes away from me and the area I’m looking to buy. So not too far away but not exactly super local either when it comes to setting up showings/appointments, knowing the market, etc. So new brother-in-law has pushed a few times that he can be my agent.
I pushed back saying I’ve already been working with an agent. The existing agent is more local too and likely knows the area better and likely more flexible on setting up showings. It hasn’t gotten super heated, but my brother-in-law seems upset that I don’t want to switch over to him.
So on the one hand, I understand it’s good to support family if possible. But I can’t help but think that my brother-in-law is just looking for an easy client to collect an entitled commission. On the other hand, I’ve already been working with an agent who has been doing work for me.
The existing agent has been good so far, and I have no complaints. So in my opinion, it would be dishonorable to drop this existing agent. If there was no family connection, I would prefer working with this existing agent.
AITJ for refusing to switch over to new brother-in-law as my agent?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Offering his help is fine, it’s not unreasonable for BIL to think he might be helpful, and being helpful is a very “family” thing to do. Especially as he is a newcomer to your family and might feel he needs to fit in.
However, if you are happy with the agent you already have, and that is working for you then BIL should just be happy that you are happy. Are you sure he is trying to guilt you into providing work for his firm/commission for him?
I mean he could just be thinking that you rejected him because you don’t think he is good at the job? Unless you have proof he just wants to get a free commission out of you then give him the benefit of the doubt. No point stirring family drama if you can help it.” Doktor_Seagull
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! When we bought our house our realtor was an acquaintance we adore and trust because we had known her for years back then and currently more than a decade. The first meeting wasn’t just a “what are you looking for?” but also talking about interpersonal rules since there was a years-long social relationship to navigate in a professional relationship. There was a day when my fiancé and I wanted to put in an offer on a place because it was when the AZ market was really competitive… But then we went home and fully read the HOA guidelines and were super not okay with them. The next morning we called J and said “so we need to talk…” and the first words out of her mouth were “it’s cool if you’re firing me.” And we were like “no we love you we just wanted to apologize if you’d started on the offer letter as we do not want that house.” She hadn’t, and was like “OMG I can take a nap today!” and wasn’t mad.
Absolutely tell your brother-in-law that you never want to mix money and family because it rarely works out well.” bethsophia
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Do NOT switch. Your BIL may be the best agent in the world, but he’s not in your community and doesn’t necessarily understand it.
In the suburban areas where I’ve lived and bought houses, 30 miles is huge. He doesn’t know the schools, shopping, pros and cons of each development, traffic patterns, etc. If your current agent was a dud, I could see switching, but even then probably not to him.
Finding and buying a home is stressful enough; don’t mix your personal relationships with the business of buying a house.” Glittering_Win_9677
5. AITJ For Wanting To Confront My Sister About Her Pity Towards Our Lifestyle?
“I 19f live with my parents in a third-world country and my sister, who lives in a first-world country, came to visit us for the first time after her marriage. For reference, she graduated from a good university and has since moved there with her husband.
They both make a decent living and live a very financially stable life. We, on the other hand, live a good life too. We have money for education, our own separate rooms, and overall all our needs are met, nothing fancy though. Buying an expensive dress is a big thing for us, we can afford it but we would rather not buy it.
She has been here for three days and I can totally feel from her behavior that she is not enjoying her stay here. My parents are trying their best to make her feel comfortable and getting her everything she wants, but she still feels we are deprived and not living our lives like her.
Her behavior is so concerning to the point that even I feel sad that she doesn’t need to worry about us and enjoy her stay here. It’s our life and we are happy in it but she is just pitying us and I don’t want her to do that.
WIBTJ if I tell her to stop behaving like this?”
Another User Comments:
“I gotta say YTJ. It doesn’t sound like your sister has actually done anything to make you want to confront her. Seems like you’re making assumptions about her intentions and jumping to conclusions.
What is she actually doing that is making you feel that you need to confront her? You don’t describe her behavior or what she’s doing.” lihzee
Another User Comments:
“It’s gonna be YTJ. This isn’t your sister complaining; this is you being too sensitive. For the buying things, you understand you are hosting her and she might actually feel obligated to repay that favor, right?
That’s definitely a lot of assumptions on your part, especially when she can afford luxuries but is kind of putting you guys out a bit here. As for the enjoying, it does sound like she is used to a different way of living now. What’s normal for you is not for her.
That doesn’t mean you have to not enjoy the way you live, but you can’t force her to like it either. But she’s still there because she wants to see you guys, even if she is uncomfortable, so it may be better if you focus on that.” whichwitch9
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. It’s understandable why you’d be sensitive to any perceived pity from your sister, especially if your family is content with what they have. It’s possible she’s just trying to share her blessings out of love and not pity. Instead of confronting her feelings, consider having an open-hearted talk about the differences in cultures and lifestyles.
Gratitude goes both ways, and maybe this can be an opportunity for both of you to appreciate each other’s ways of life without judgment or assumptions.” PlayfulPaisleyx
4. AITJ For Photoshopping My MIL Out Of My Wedding Photo?
“I (29F) was getting married to my now-husband (32M), and my MIL (59) was invited to the wedding, of course. I got a strange feeling because she continued trying to pick a wedding dress for me (when I had already picked one and said I did).
I brushed it off, as I was excited and all. She also tried to get her son to pick a large, fancy cake (that was only 20% cake). He said no, as I had told him we already made all the arrangements (music, decorations, clothing).
Fast forward, the day of the wedding, we had our ceremony and everything went great.
Food and service were amazing, had an artist draw me and my husband while we kissed. I noticed my MIL to be wearing a white simple dress, and didn’t think much of it (even though I was a little upset). To have context, she is the only one besides me wearing the color.
Later, when it was photo-taking time, I was going to take a photo with my husband. We stood in front of the camera (we had no ‘official’ previous photos besides the kiss), but my MIL walked into the photo. I told her politely to get out a little so my husband and I could take photos with the professional first. She didn’t listen and stayed in anyway, and my husband didn’t say anything.
I took one of our photos and photoshopped her out of it, as I didn’t have a chance to get a photo with him alone. I posted it on my social media and my MIL texted me.
She said I am disrespectful and family comes first through everything, but I said that it was MY wedding and I understood that but I wanted a photo with him alone and she did not allow that.
My husband is upset with me for acting this way, saying I’m being dramatic. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Your MIL was really, literally, inserting herself in a place where she was not wanted. I’m a bit surprised that the professional photographer didn’t tell her, politely–but firmly, to leave the frame.
So, you had a photo that was not what you wanted. You made it what you wanted. Ok, good for you. If she wants to pull the respect card… you’ve got a couple of points to hit her with. 1. Wearing white to a wedding(?) really, who does that except those who chronically need the spotlight?
2. Imposing herself in a photo where she was asked not to. As to being ‘dramatic’ or not… that all lies in the delivery. Setting a boundary is only drama if the other person tries to invalidate it. Respect goes both ways. Best of luck in the future.” ThinkingT00Loud
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You deserve to have at least one photo of just you and your husband. Your MIL was extremely disrespectful to not allow that at your wedding. Your husband is also a jerk for not correcting his mother. I’m guessing that he is her only child, or at least her “golden boy.” She has spent his entire life making sure that whatever he does, it pleases her.
Yes, family comes first. This will be a conflict for the rest of your marriage if your husband refuses to stand up for HIS family, which is now YOU AND HIM.” 1962Michael
Another User Comments:
“100% NTJ. Not a single professional photo of just the bride and groom?
Girl, I would be fuming. Your new husband sounds like a real momma’s boy. I’ve never been married, but I’ve been to plenty of weddings and I know that a) nobody wears white and b) there’s a whole laundry list of photos that the photographer has to take, and that definitely includes some of just the newlyweds.
I’d be mad that she was disrespectful enough to wear white. But even if you can look past that, I’d be hopping mad that she didn’t move her bottom out of the way for the photos. Sounds like you need to talk to your new husband about these issues and he needs to talk to his mom and make her aware that she crossed a line.
It won’t do any good if you try, it has to come from him. She’s his mom, after all. All I can say at this point is, good luck. I think, sadly, you’ll need it. If he can’t stand up for you on this, I hate to imagine what the future holds.” JaneDoe_83
3. AITJ For Telling My Sister Her Husband May Not Forgive Her For Not Letting His Mom Meet Their Baby?
“I (21f) have an older sister “Eve” (29f) who had her first child, “Lori” (1f), and while this should be a time of joy and excitement there’s actually a lot of tension and brewing resentment between her, our mom, and her husband “Jack” (29m). Despite it being unplanned Eve’s pregnancy was wanted and Jack was an involved partner.
He went to most of Eve’s appointments, took the birthing classes, and supported Eve’s decision to just have our mom in the room while he waited outside when she gave birth.
The plan was for our mom to be by Eve’s side in the room and to help stay for a week after Lori was born.
Everyone was cool with this but unfortunately, our aunt got into some drama with her husband in another state and our mom rushed over to be at her sister’s side. Eve was already in her 3rd trimester so Jack didn’t like the idea of our mom going and voiced it.
Our mom tore Jack a new one and Eve even got on his case about it so he apologized. However, Eve ended up going into labor and Jack ultimately was the one in the room while our mom was away.
When she called, our mom expressed being sad over not being there for the birth of her first grandchild and she and Eve decided that no one else in the family would see Lori until she got back.
Without discussing it with Jack. He was understandably not happy as his mom lived about 45 minutes away and was looking forward to meeting Lori too as she was the first grandchild on both sides. Eve pulled the “I just gave birth” card and Jack reluctantly allowed it.
On the day that our mom was supposed to come back, she missed her flight and couldn’t get a new one until the following morning. Our mom could’ve just rented a car but she didn’t want to spend the money since the airline wouldn’t refund the money.
Jack brought up allowing his mom to come again, but Eve refused citing that he already agreed. Unfortunately, Jack’s mom was in a car accident and passed before ever getting to meet Lori since Eve wouldn’t even allow a video chat. Jack was distraught, he moved to the guest bedroom, went to the funeral alone, and refuses to engage with Eve at all.
Jack’s side of the family keeps calling and messaging Eve to tell her what a selfish and awful person she is and Jack refuses to defend her. Eventually, Eve got sick of it and packed up and left for our mom’s house to “teach Jack a lesson” but he hasn’t texted or called. Our mom thinks that he just needs some space and that he’ll call soon but I just laughed at that.
Didn’t mean to though.
My mom and Eve asked me why I laughed and I tried to brush it off or even leave but they couldn’t let me and pressed for an answer. Eventually, I told her that while the accident wasn’t her fault she did keep Lori away from Jack’s mom meeting her for a week and now she never will.
There’s no way Jack is going to ever love you enough to forgive that and you should prepare for the worst. Eve started to bawl her eyes out while Mom berated me so I left. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom showed time and time again that her first granddaughter isn’t that important to her.
The fact that Jack’s mom would never meet her is something that Jack would never get over and he is right. His mom was denied access cause the other grandmother would rather cater to her adult sister than meet her granddaughter. That woman died with the wish to see her first granddaughter.
Jack and the rest of the family are never going to forgive your sister for this. Hopefully, they won’t take it out on the baby.” Fantastic-Mango-7440
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I think that Jack is probably 50% heartbroken that he lost his mom & 50% feels guilty that he didn’t push harder to have his mother meet the baby.
That is a very tough thing to overcome. Eve had better prepare herself to have shared custody at the least. Your sister & mother are a piece of work. And what is it with these “only my family can meet the child first”? Once the baby is born, they have 2 parents with extended family.
Just because I gave birth it didn’t mean my husband was the lesser parent.” Zannie95
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She’s sad and crying? Good. Someone needed to give her a reality check since no one else would. Pretty clear mom won’t, because if she does, she would have to admit her own fault in this.
Unless she, for some reason, didn’t know your sister was blocking access to the child with her MIL. But I doubt she didn’t know. This isn’t some “I’ll pout for a few days at mommy’s place, and then he’ll come begging for me” minor thing.
He lost his mom. He won’t ever have the joy of sharing his new role as a dad with her. He won’t even have a single picture of her holding her grandchild. All because of a wife who wanted to play power games. And make it into “her child,” frankly put.
And not their child. I doubt he will ever forgive her. Not even with the world’s amount of couples therapy or talks. Especially when she can’t even show the decency of apologizing. She has shown him a very very ugly side of herself. From keeping the child from his mom, pouting, and leaving the home.
No apologizing. Being stubborn. And it’s time she took a look in the mirror. Marriage is about being a team. Not “my wishes count more than yours.”” Dangerous-WinterElf
2. AITJ For Being Upset My Mom Won't Provide Full-Time Childcare For My Baby?
“I (37F) am pregnant with my first. My husband and I had difficulty conceiving and tried for many years before eventually going with IVF. We were lucky to have success with one round of IVF.
We had two chemical pregnancies before this, so we are thrilled.
This is my mom’s first grandchild. When the topic of family planning first came up three years ago, she said she would happily look after our kid(s) when we go back to work.
She is retired and doesn’t have many responsibilities beyond her pets, so we were happy to hear this.
However, now that we are actually expecting, she is changing her story. She insists she never said that but will agree to watch our baby until he’s 6 months old, at which point he will have to go to daycare full-time.
I’m annoyed with her for this (this isn’t the first time she has said something and denied it), but my husband and I are figuring it out.
This past Sunday she was at my house and she mentioned there is a daycare in the building she is moving to, which is on my way to/from work.
When I looked into it I saw they open at 8:00, which is problematic because I have to be at work at that time. I told her the only way I could do that is if I dropped him off and she took him.
The next day she called me to say she did not want to do that because she just wants to be a fun grandma.
I asked for some clarification and she basically said she would help when I first go back to work and then just babysit. I told her in all honesty that for someone who begged for grandkids, she suddenly doesn’t seem all that interested in being involved in her grandkid’s life.
Furthermore, I told her she is taking for granted an opportunity to be a regular presence in her grandchild’s life. My in-laws live out of the country and don’t visit often, and my dad passed 11 years ago, so she’s it for grandparents. Her response was that she never asked me to do IVF.
I said you’re not nice and hung up on her.
She has texted me nonstop that I’m asking too much of her. I’m not responding because I’m at a loss for words here.
AITJ for telling her she is taking an opportunity for granted?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – I am sorry that you struggled with infertility and that it took 3 years to conceive. That being said, the conversation you had with your mom was 3 years ago. If you and your husband were counting on her providing years of full-time childcare when you were deciding whether to do IVF, then you should have had another conversation with her at that stage in the process.
Because whether the original conversation happened the way that you remember it or the way that she remembers it, it is reasonable that her situation or what she is willing to take on would change over the course of that amount of time. Just because she doesn’t have a lot of responsibilities doesn’t mean that she is sitting around waiting to provide childcare.
She has a whole life of her own. It is also not fair to say that her refusing to provide full-time childcare means that she doesn’t want to be a regular presence in your child’s life. She can be a regular presence as a grandmother without being a full-time caregiver.” Forward_Squirrel8879
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. If your mother doesn’t want to look after your child now, maybe because she’s gotten older since she first said she would help, or for any other reason, then you need to respect that. This is your child. You aren’t having your child to please your mother, however much she might have looked forward to being a grandmother.
YOU chose to have a child, and have gone to some difficult lengths to do that, so congratulations for that. But this is your child, and she has no obligation to help.” mousepallace
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You actually expect your mother to care for your child full time until when?
3 years old or 4 or 5? She is retired so you expect her to become a full-grown caregiver? Her life isn’t over and your children aren’t her responsibility. It’s incredibly generous that she’s willing to do this for 6 months. Agreeing to watch your kids when you go back to work doesn’t imply doing so for years and giving up her life for yours.
You are asking far too much of her. Then you blackmail her by saying if she doesn’t give up her own life in service to you and raise your kids, she’s not interested in being involved? Beyond YTJ.” trishsf
1. AITJ For Thinking My Wife's Discipline Is Too Harsh?
“My wife and I have 4 kids (13yo twins, 8yo, 4-month-old). PPD with our last baby and she often struggles, in the sense of her “not being able to turn her brain off”.
She’s getting better but she’s still snappy at times.
I currently work 12-hour overnight shifts 5 days a week and she works 20hrs a week from home. Due to this, she has the kids constantly and she’s very, very touched out. Ever since she gave birth, our older 3 have been over-the-top clingy and seem to be reverting back to toddler stage.
Like our daughter (one of the 13yo twins) earlier asked my wife how to plug in the microwave. Or all of a sudden our 8yo is asking his mother to help him find clothes and tie his shoes for him again. It’s a desperate cry for attention (we are all in therapy, both individual and family therapy) and the therapist is helping us work through it but it seems to be getting worse.
Like.. we can’t even plan a family outing without the kids without the 3 older kids either gripping onto their mother OR walking so close in front/behind her that they are tripping her and refusing to watch out when told. So it HAS absolutely been a nightmare but like I said, we are trying to work through this with therapy.
Well, 2 weeks ago my wife implicated a rule that no one was allowed to talk to her when she had her headphones in or when she’s taking a shower. As I’m sure you guessed already, the kids were even bugging her endlessly during those times and my wife stated she “needs a break and silence and for people to stop hanging off her arm”.
She even snapped the other day saying “can none of you do anything for yourselves? No? Why don’t I wipe your rear ends for you too while I’m at it!” Because our son (13yo twin) asked her where his cup was instead of moving the coffee pot to look for himself and then asked her at the same time to make him Mac n cheese (despite knowing how) because “yours tastes better” (she was in the middle of feeding the baby, so she snapped).
Anyways, now no one is allowed to bug her under any circumstances when she’s showering or when she has headphones in (maybe once a week for the headphones, showering every other day for MAYBE 10 minutes so it’s not a huge ask).
Anyway, I get a text from my son earlier saying “mum is grounding us and taking our stuff away for a week” and then zero response.
I go home about an hour later and my wife is livid. All the kids’ electronics are piled on the counter and all the kids are in their bedrooms with the door shut. I ask what happened and she said she went to take a shower and the kids came in 5 times in a 10-minute period so she grounded them from everything for a week and sent them to their rooms. I feel she’s being too harsh because I know they just want her attention.
Now she’s mad at me for “making her feel bad for needing a minute to herself”. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your wife desperately needs help. If you’re coming at her for being too harsh on the kids — what she gets is that she’s in this totally alone.
Your reaction compounds her overwhelm. Her actions may have a negative effect on the kids — but all she’s trying to do is keep from drowning. That’s the issue. Come at her with compassion. Sounds like she’s going to break.” Justsaying0000
Another User Comments:
“Yes, YTJ.
She needs some time for herself and she’s not getting it. She has asked for a minor concession from the children and they are not listening to her instructions. She needed to let them know that there are consequences. And another thing, therapy isn’t the only help she should be getting.
She should be getting help from you. Have you told her that you would take charge of the kids so she could get an afternoon to herself? Or any free time for that matter. Just because you work longer hours, doesn’t mean you can’t give her a break.
She is working more than 20 hours raising your 4 kids.” Street-Scientist-126
Another User Comments:
“It would seem that OP has enabled his kids’ behavior. Perhaps whenever any kiddo approached OP for any sort of need, OP palmed it off on Mom. “Go ask your mother.” “Mom can help you with that,” and remained selectively helpless.
It would again appear that OP not only disregards basic childcare responsibilities, choosing to enjoy the pros, while totally disregarding the cons that his negligence has created, and blaming the wifey for stepping up to the plate. YTJ. It would be unheard of in my bio-family to walk in on someone in the bathroom.
That’s a near-fatal move. Are you in the Ozarks by chance?” ComposMentisMatrone
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