People Invite Us To Comment On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories

It can be frustrating when you're put in a messy position. Family drama, a divorce or breakup, a pet not approving of your new baby - none of us want to be in these situations, but they happen more than we know. When we're faced with situations like the latter, our first instinct may be to lash out or get upset rather than calmly focusing on the bigger picture. So, as a result, you may end up with an even messier problem like a big fight with your significant other or family ganging up on you over something you did or said. You may find yourself feeling regretful afterward, depending on the outcome, which may leave you asking people, "Was I the jerk?" The people below are in that exact position. Leave your comments to let them know your stance on their stories. AITJ = Am I the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk YTJ = You're the jerk WIBTJ = Would I be the jerk? EHS = Everyone here sucks

14. AITJ For Refusing To Make A Pregnant Woman A Sandwich?

“My wife’s sister, Ann (29F), is currently 5-months pregnant. She and her partner, the baby’s father, have hit a rough patch and Ann came to stay with us. She’s been living with us for about 6 weeks now. Her job allows her to work from home, so she pretty much spends all of her time at our house.

Both my wife and I work outside of the home, so Ann is at home by herself a lot. For the most part, she’s a good houseguest. She’s not overly messy and is mostly pleasant to be around.

But, pregnancy is weird. I understand hormones are a thing.

Ann will have mood swings and gets emotional really easily. She also gets cravings, which for some reason have fallen on me to solve. My wife has sent me out of the house at all hours of the day to get something for Ann, or send me on errands after work to pick up something specifically for Ann.

When I protest to my wife, she says that Ann is going through an incredibly hard time and we need to be supportive of her.

I kind of blew up at my wife when she sent me out to get Ann some fast food at 1 am this past Saturday.

I told my wife she should go, but she said she had to get up early for an appointment the next day. I ended up going, but told my wife that I’m done with this because I’m not an errand boy nor am I the father of Ann’s kid.

The next day it was just Ann and I at our house while my wife was out running errands. I made myself a sandwich for lunch and when Ann saw it, she said it looked really good and asked if I could make one for her too.

I told her the ingredients were still on the counter so she can make one herself. She said she was feeling lightheaded and needed to sit down, but that some food would help her.

I tried to tell her no, but she started getting emotional and saying how hard pregnancy is when you don’t have a partner.

I said “fine” and went to make her a sandwich. But then, she told me that I will have to heat the lunchmeat up because her doctor told her not to have lunchmeat unless it’s heated up first.

At that point, I told her that I’m not her baby’s daddy, nor am I her servant.

I told her I’ve tried to be supportive and helpful, but that I’m done playing the role of her partner. I told her that, out of courtesy, I’ve given her privacy regarding her relationship issues, but that she’s going to need to figure out a plan soon because this current situation isn’t working for me anymore.

Ann started crying and I ended up leaving to give myself a chance to cool down. When I got home, my wife was pretty much waiting for me and immediately laid into me. She told me I was a huge jerk for not just making Ann a sandwich, and an even bigger jerk for pretty much threatening to kick her out.

She said that I should have known better than to bring up her relationship and that it was a huge jerk move.

My wife has always said that this would be temporary while Ann figures her stuff out, but the further Ann’s pregnancy goes, the less progress I see towards a solution.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

It’s one thing to be supportive, it’s a whole other thing to be the errand boy. Your wife has elected you to the role of being at her sister’s beck and call. That isn’t right. You didn’t ask to be put in the situation nor did you expect to be responsible for her sister’s wants/needs.

Your wife has pushed your boundaries and isn’t respecting your view on things.

This isn’t just one or two times of going out of your way to do/get something for your SIL. This has become a habit now. Once habits form, they are harder to break.

You are laying out your boundaries. You are allowed to have boundaries. Your wife and her sister aren’t respecting your boundaries. Your wife is trying to justify it by her sister being pregnant. Your SIL is pregnant, not incapable. All this extra running around isn’t your responsibility.

They are both making you feel that it is though.

If you don’t put your foot down now, then you will continue to be walked on.” Dry_Dragonfruit_4191

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – If your wife wants to be her sister’s primary support system during this pregnancy, that is her choice, but you are allowed to set boundaries.

Catering to her cravings, particularly middle-of-the-night ones, is a very reasonable boundary for you to set.

You need to have a serious discussion with your wife that is not a reaction to one of you getting mad. Sit her down and tell her that you are no longer willing to be at your SIL’s beck and call (or hers for SIL-related tasks) and that there needs to be an agreed-upon end date for your SIL living with you.

Your SIL is an adult with a job. It is not unreasonable to expect her to be working on a plan that does not include living with you long-term.

If your wife is not willing to accept your boundaries in this situation then there are larger problems in your marriage than your SIL.” Forward_Squirrel8879

Another User Comments:

“ESH.

The doctor said heat up the lunch meat? That’s gotta be some serious medical degree he holds. Disingenuous nonsense by the SIL. Baloney on more than one level.

Beyond the hormones, SIL is trying to manipulate the situation. But on the other hand, it wouldn’t have killed you to just make the sandwich without adding a dash of unnecessary drama.

Or maybe something along the lines of, “Hey! I’m making lunch. Would you like anything?” Pick your fights.

SIL needs to stop playing the (pregnant) victim and work it out with her partner or make some decisions about the future of her relationship and family (new and old).

Wife needs to carry her part of the load when it comes to taking care of SIL’s cravings.

The waters here sound deeper than maybe is being let on, but good on you for trying to nip stuff in the bud. You’re headed towards having a post-natal person and an infant in the home.

I kinda suspect that’s what’s lurking in the back of your head and you’ve not fully acknowledged it yet. You and your wife need to talk that through. And once you’ve settled it between you (sooner than later), get to work on the SIL.” Fun-Result-6343

1 points - Liked by LizzieTX
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anma7 2 months ago
NTJ.. maybe do yourself a massive favour and go see the baby daddy eh... cos guess what i smell a huge ann sized rat.. you see how demanding moldy etc she is that YOU are sick of it IN YOUR HOME after only 6wjs well baby daddy has been dealing qoth it for MONTHS... personally i think if you go see him he will enlighten you and tell you she was the same if not WORSE with him and when he objected as you did she has spat her dummy and stomped straight to your house cos sister will pander to me cos she had all my life... seriously go speak to her partner.. then take him back to YOUR HOUSE without giving wofemor ann a warning and set wife and ann straight andthen SEND HER BACK HOME.. why does she AND wife think that you are there to run round at 1am for her cos she has cravings... nope she's an entitled brat used to getting her own way and using pregnancy as an excuse to be a moody whiny witch just becas7e SHE CHOSE to have a kid.. if its not a high risk pregnancy she can dam well make her own sandwich oh and the warm lunch meat thing BULLSHIT... no risks at all and SHE KNOWS IT she's just flexing her 'i am pregnancy' muscles.. now you just got to stand up to wife too and out her before you get lumbered with a kid too
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13. AITJ For Kicking My Stepdaughter From Our Wedding For Not Picking The Right Color Dress?

“I 42f got married four days ago. I’m sadly writing this during my honeymoon. I have been with my husband, 45, for 4 years. My husband has a daughter Shianna, 19.

I had asked Shianna to be one of my bridesmaids. Her mom passed away when she was young, and I have always tried to have a connection with her, but she was always very against me.

She’s tried pinning us against each other for as long as I can remember or she’s just not friendly to me. I’ve tried engaging with her in things I know she liked. I tried helping her with college tours. She actually spent 3 days at her grandmother’s when she found out her father proposed to me.

Nothing seemed to work till I asked her to be my bridesmaid. She was very excited which I was shocked by, but took this as my opportunity to bond.

I chose a light blue for my bridesmaid dresses but let them pick the dress, and my husband bought Shianna’s since she’s in college and only works part-time and was worried she wouldn’t be able to afford an elegant enough dress for our wedding.

My husband was very excited about his daughter being in the wedding as well.

Day of the wedding, I have 2 other bridesmaids, my sister, and my best friend. I’m getting my makeup done, and they come up to me and whisper that I have to see what Shianna’s wearing and to stay calm and not ruin my day.

So I marched down to the room Shianna was in to see. She did not have the dress we bought her; in fact, she had a white, long fluffy dress on, very similar to a wedding dress.

I asked her what she was wearing and she just said, “I liked this one better; light blue is ugly.” I was so mad, I told her she didn’t match with the wedding party, and she needed to change if she wanted to be in the wedding.

She just shook her head and said, “You can’t kick me out; my dad’s here.” I said, “You can stay all you want, but you won’t be in the wedding party.” We argued for a few minutes before I finally told her to go find a seat then because I didn’t want her to be one of my bridesmaids anymore.

She got angry and instead left. After my husband noticed Shianna wasn’t in the wedding he began acting weird. He was very cold and off the rest of the day, even after I explained what happened.

We’re at this beautiful honeymoon resort in Florida and he slept most of the plane ride, then when we got here we got into a big argument about Shianna being kicked out.

He didn’t see the white dress and the direct defiance as big of an issue as I did. She had texted him this nonsense excuse about how she didn’t think it’d be an issue and thought it’d be okay. She even pointed out that I was probably worried she’d look better than me and, oh, how she didn’t wanna ruin my special day.

We’re not arguing anymore but he’s still a little distant and we’ve only even gone out a few times because of it. I feel like maybe I should’ve just ignored the dress because now it’s ruining my honeymoon.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, she planned this. As soon as you asked her to be a bridesmaid, she said yes and started plotting her big entrance on your wedding day. His daughter is a top-shelf jerk. And if he can’t see that, I’d honestly reconsider that marriage. His grown adult daughter tried to upstage you at your wedding.

That’s just disgusting behavior and your husband needs to get his head out of his butt and have your back on this AND EVERY OTHER ATTEMPT at driving a wedge between you.

She’s basically one of those people who doesn’t want the surviving parent to ever find someone to spend their life with.

She’ll be perfectly happy being the only woman in his life even if that means he grows old alone and lonely.

She is selfish. And toxic.

This would be my hill to die on. She would have to apologize profusely or she would NOT be welcome in my house.

Your husband did a crappy job raising this brat. Tell him to handle it.” Short-Classroom2559

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. You threw his daughter out of HIS wedding.

I don’t care about the dress or her brattyness. You threw your fiancé/husband’s daughter out of HIS wedding.

What, you were worried the party didn’t match? That the photos would be off? Your perfect day wouldn’t be all you hoped it would be? And instead of rolling with it, you — a 42-year-old adult — decided to throw a tantrum because your precious wedding wasn’t exactly how you wanted it.

And you threw his daughter out of his wedding.

I hope he gets the marriage annulled. You give zero craps about his feelings, and while it’s too bad everything has been paid for, it’s better to know that sooner than later.” whiporee123

Another User Comments:

“ESH.

This was a mishandled situation. Starting with not getting some kind of family counseling when she left for a few days after the engagement. She lost her mom young and is now sharing her dad, I’m 26 and I still don’t like my dad’s new wife.

The bridesmaids, they should have asked her father to handle the situation and not even let your mood get disrupted by her shenanigans. If her father failed to get her to change, then give you a heads up.

She’s 19 throwing a tantrum. Let her. Allow her to embarrass herself in front of his family and friends.

She comes off looking bad, your husband looks spineless, and you look like a graceful stepmom.

You were getting married, it’s about the marriage, not the wedding. A number of things could have gone wrong, letting her ruin your day and now honeymoon is on you.

You have a lifetime of dealing with her, better to make peace now.” Reddit user

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. She only acted excited and agreed because she was going to pull a stunt like this.

Everyone reacts differently and I do understand the stress of a wedding day but I would have let her play her part just as she was.

Sure, she’ll get extra attention and it’s all bad. I’d be sure to scold a relative who did that to a bride and give the stink eye if it was the other side of the family. As it worked out she did manage to hurt you because you reacted.

At my wedding, MIL, SIL, and GMIL all wore very pastel dresses that were basically white with a slight blush. Not wedding dress style. I smiled and let it go. My mother was furious at first but didn’t let it show except for one picture (which I treasure – she was loaded for bear!).

I had my relatives tsk-ing and his coming up to apologize and saying they didn’t know what got into them. Grandma’s vision was failing and Mom chose her dress. She didn’t realize how white it was until the pictures came back and she was horrified and apologized and scolded her daughter.

I told her I understood she would have never done that on her own. Grandma was an outstanding person and a gracious, kind lady. For years people mentioned it to MIL. I don’t think she ever lived it down.

Sometimes a person’s behavior is its own punishment.

You weren’t wrong and I’m not faulting you in the least. She deliberately put you in a no-win situation. As to your husband, either he doesn’t understand that she left on her own because you set limits or he doesn’t care. Either way she managed to drive a wedge and you need to be ready for this.

Plan accordingly.” ohsogreen

1 points - Liked by LizzieTX
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LizzieTX 4 days ago
NTJ. You couldn't have known what the bratlet would pull. You gave her a chance to be included and she blew it, deliberately picking something she knew perfectly well was inappropriate. She was counting on you being accommodating to her dad but boy, she picked the wrong one to be rude to, and good for you for standing your ground. The only mistake you made was not inspecting her "bridesmaid" dress before the wedding. And if you did, all the more reason for you to give the brat the boot. If her father doesn't understand this, maybe you married the wrong man. Good luck.
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12. AITJ For Trying To Get My Partner To Be More Active?

“I (26F) am pretty in shape, I jog every day, and eating healthy is pretty important to me. I also follow a low-carb diet for health reasons (used to have horrible IBS and mood swings).

My partner ‘Elle’ (28F) also eats fairly healthy overall, but I do most of the cooking.

Before we got together, Elle mostly just ordered takeout and didn’t cook much.

We got together, and she’s pretty happy overall with our eating habits because I’m a good cook, but she still buys processed junk food and less healthy items and keeps them around the house.

I also bake a lot, and Elle is always happy to try what I make.

Last year, I proposed to Elle, and she said yes. We’re now in the stages of wedding planning.

Recently, I noticed that Elle had gained some weight, and I’m a little worried about her health.

Early on in our relationship, we went on a lot of hikes, and we used to go for walks multiple mornings a week. This, plus the fact that I was cooking for us and she was eating less takeout and processed food, led to her losing about 15lbs by accident.

She wasn’t overweight but had gained some, lost some, and after meeting me had lost the rest.

I know living a sedentary life has its health consequences and really isn’t good for you. I really love Elle and want her to be around for a long time.

I feel like it’s partially my fault that she is gaining weight because we used to go for more hikes and walks together, but then I started jogging in place every morning while watching TV (got too hot over the summer to walk and I wanted more exercise) so now instead of us going for a walk, I’m there jogging while Elle just sits and watches TV with me.

I love Elle and find her very beautiful, I just worry about her health, and her not getting enough exercise.

Every now and then I suggest she jog in place with me, or I’ll send her on an errand to the grocery store so she can get at least a little walk in, and she’s happy to go get things but doesn’t ever jog with me.

Today, I tried to tell her that I was worried about her health, and she got upset.

I don’t think I said anything bad, I told her how much I love her and want her to be around but am worried she doesn’t get enough exercise.

She took it fairly well but was very quiet and seemed kind of sad. Later I got an angry text from Elle’s step-sister saying that I was fat-shaming and calling me a horrible person.

AITJ here?”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ

I don’t believe for a second that this is about her health.

This is controlling.

It’s awesome that a low-carb diet works for you. It is great for a number of medical conditions. But you are not your fiancée’s doctor. And it is unbelievably unhealthy to monitor her food like this.

For her: she wants a wife, not a food monitor.

You can actually trigger or exacerbate mental health issues and eating disorders by doing this.

For you: you will NEVER be happy controlling her behavior. Doesn’t matter if it is food, her friends, clothes, whatever. Your fiancée is not an extension of you.

You need to remind yourself where you end and where she begins.

Additionally, you could use some couples counseling. Often when folks get engaged a lot of our own childhood crap starts to tear its ugly head. Sounds like you kicked up your controlling behaviors.

She may or may not be experiencing some self-soothing behaviors like comfort eating. Either way – if you continue down this path you will lose each other.” ChakraMama318

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, it’s understandable for a person knowledgeable about the health benefits of regular exercise and good nutrition to want the person you love to be around for a long time and feel nervous about their health.

Has nothing to do with being overweight, but sedentary. Everyone here talking about how it isn’t an issue because she isn’t overweight, is typically the same people who say that weight =/= health and that they know so many skinny people who are unhealthy and eat like crap.

All I see in these comments are hardcore projecting. Holy crap. Nothing you said hints toward this being thinly veiled fat shaming. You want the person you will marry to be around for a long time. So disgusting. Better just not give a crap. Like holy crap, these comments are literally insane, lmao.” lunyfae

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Here is why. Sedentary lifestyles aren’t good for you, being fat even due to thyroid issues is not good for your health. Everyone seems to be on this trend that being fat is healthy. Newsflash, one of the leading causes of death in the world is Heart disease caused by obesity.

Yes, you shouldn’t be concerned with her gaining a few pounds, but if she’s gaining a lot, I could see why it would be of concern to you. If being with someone who is overweight or sedentary isn’t your preference, then don’t be with them.

If you can tell yourself honestly that you’re concerned with her health, then only you know the true answer to that. Talking about being overweight hurts a lot of people’s egos. It’s an uncomfortable conversation that people don’t want to have because it’s not easy for all to lose weight, but it’s still a choice you have to make.

Nothing anyone can say will make it true that being overweight isn’t unhealthy. Cheers, may you both find an answer to this. Start with an apology and listen to what she has to say.” Background_Ad_9409

Another User Comments:

“YTJ – You said it yourself that she’s not overweight.

People’s weight fluctuates; it is normal. You’re absolutely concerned about her gaining a little bit of weight for vanity’s sake and lying that it is actually a concern for her health. Tricking her into getting a walk in by sending her on errand runs is absolutely manipulative.

Also, regarding having processed junk food, a good diet is all about balance. As long as she is eating healthy meals, having some junk food is absolutely OK.

Lastly, it is very obvious that you’re concerned because she is gaining weight not actually healthy. You say that you switched to jogging in place during the summer and that’s when your fiancée’s sedentary lifestyle began, yet summer has been over for quite a while now but your concerns only popped up when you saw the visible weight gain.

If you were truly concerned about her having a sedentary lifestyle, you would have brought it up as soon as you noticed she was no longer getting any exercise.” lc_2005

1 points - Liked by anma7
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MadameZ 2 months ago
YTJ because you believe the nonsense that being thin is more important than mental or physical health. The weight loss industry is a scam as big and as dangerous as any and all religions (yes, religion is first and foremost a scam: no one neds imaginary friends that entitle them to control OTHER people's behaviour). You are only interested in her eating and excercise patterns when they affect WEIGHT WAAAAAA WAAAAAA WAAAA. Take a look at your own physical habits and at least consider your risk of developing an eating disorder - not at all uncommon for people who attach any kind of moral value to eating.
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11. AITJ For Making My Wife Wake Up To Care For The Baby Every Night While I Sleep?

“My wife Katie (25F) and I (28M) had our first baby together about 3 months ago.

I’m an athlete and Katie’s a stay-at-home mom.

Sleep is very important for me because of my sport. I can’t be waking up multiple times throughout the night and be sleep-deprived. Katie and I talked about this before trying for a kid, and I told her that I couldn’t compromise my sleep for anything short of an emergency.

I specifically mentioned that I wouldn’t be waking up during the night to help with the baby, but we could hire a night nurse to help out.

Things had been going smoothly until a few days ago when Katie was being cold and distant.

I asked if something was wrong, and she said everything was fine. She was quiet for a while, then finally mentioned that it’s extremely unfair that I’m not helping her at all with the baby during the night. I acknowledged that she has been working hard and not getting much sleep, but we also previously agreed to this arrangement.

Katie has refused to hire a night nurse to help because she doesn’t trust someone new to watch our baby alone during the night. I suggested that she could have a family member help, but she didn’t want to burden them.

So we’ve been at an impasse.

She still doesn’t want to hire help, and I’m still not waking up during the night.

Additional Info:

We have a maid who cleans and does the laundry multiple times per week, and we also have a meal delivery service that makes a majority of our food.

So I’m not just dumping tons of housework on her.

Katie doesn’t have a problem with the maid being around the baby because she’s known her for a while now.

We’ve also been going to regular doctor and therapist appointments, they don’t think she’s suffering from postpartum.

Hiring a night nurse would not be a financial burden, so the cost isn’t the issue.

I spend as much time as I can caring for and bonding with our baby, just not during the night when I’m sleeping.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ— I’m a mom of two and had a baby who had a medical condition that made the first months especially brutal— and I had to work full-time while caring for her whenever I was home.

My husband almost never did a nighttime feed even though I was the one who had to get up early and was the one working. I still low grade hate him for that. I came to this totally sympathetic to her.

But caring for one baby is all she’s expected to do, not even cook or clean, and she’s given money to hire a nanny if she wants, too, and has a maid to watch the baby during the day!

So if she’s tired from being up at night the maid can watch baby while she sleeps! She has it better than almost every new mother on the planet.

I think you can safely say at this point you’ve offered every solution you can think of but negotiating on your sleep isn’t on the table.

The maid can become the day nanny and if she doesn’t want to hire anyone for nights, your wife has become a night nanny for her own child. If half the day watching her own child is too much, she’s not well and needs to accept that and hire someone.

Lots of people claim they need their sleep, but most people don’t have jobs they could lose or could get gravely injured on for one bad day like you do— you’re the only one who knows what it takes for you to perform at this level.” Pumpkinkra

Another User Comments:

“Nobody’s the jerk. Sleep deprivation is a recognized form of torture. My son did not sleep “through the night” until he was five years old and taking melatonin. He also didn’t nap for longer than 15 minutes at a time. I was hallucinating and distinctly not sane within a couple of months.

My husband was making most of the money and had to rise early for work, plus had on-call responsibilities that sometimes interrupted his sleep. We could afford some help, but not nearly so much as you and your wife. We divided it up so my husband got up with our son on Friday and Saturday nights but slept in on weekends as long as needed. I got up with our son all other nights, plus got up with him when he was up for the day, and I got a nap when my husband got off work in the afternoon.

It was absolutely brutal and I was not a happy, well-adjusted person. It’s easy for people to say your wife agreed to this and so she should accept how things are. But my ability to trust other people with my son was one of the first things to erode when I was sleep-deprived. It had to be!

The only thing to keep me awake on my fourth 20-hour day in a row was the stone-cold certainty that my son would die without me, personally, keeping an eye on him. I couldn’t just turn that off for any new person who walked through the door.

Do you sort of understand? When you are holding on so tight, you have to let go slowly and not all at once. So it’s not as simple as just, “Well, hire someone then.” Your mind is absorbed by every morbid story of every terrible thing that’s ever happened when a mom trusted a babysitter in the history of babysitters and you think, “No, surely I will just stay awake because I can only depend on myself now.” It’s irrational as heck, but it’s the only thing that keeps you going.” OutlandishMiss

Another User Comments:

“I guess I’m the only one who thinks so, but YTJ. I get that your wife has help for a lot of things throughout the day, and I know that is where all the “why doesn’t she just take a nap during the day” comments come from.

I also get that she technically agreed to this rigid arrangement beforehand. However. Reality is often much different than we expect, and she now knows she seriously needs help. Your wife gets up every single night alone. With YOUR baby. Can you imagine going MONTHS on end without getting a single night of uninterrupted sleep?

Only getting maybe 2-4 hours of sleep at a time? Naps can’t save that. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture, and it will absolutely have a serious negative impact on her physical and mental health. You think you need your sleep for your sport?

Why does she not need sleep to raise YOUR CHILD? And when she finally breaks and gets angry out of chronic sleep deprivation, you double down and offer every solution in the book except stepping up as a husband and father and helping her through this ONE thing.

You could give up ONE night so she could sleep and feel like a functioning person.” AlriRayne

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MadameZ 2 months ago
YTJ. It's not just about sleep, it's that you are demonstrating very clearly to your wife that you are the most important person in the household and your whims come before anyone else's wellbeing. It's not just a matter of hiring help (though at least you *are* wlling to do this: most men as egotistical and self-important as you won't willingly pay for help, because domestic service to men is what women are *for*), it's that your wife is probably wondering why you agreed to have children at all, let alone marry her. You don't seem to view either wife or baby as *people*, they are there to decorate your life rather than require any input from you.
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10. AITJ For "Forcing" My Daughter To Be Excluded From Our Tropical Vacation?

“To celebrate our 30th anniversary, me (60M) and my wife (59F) decided to invite our 4 kids, their partners, and our 4 grandkids to a vacation in the Caribbean for a week. We volunteered to pay for all lodging for everyone if they could pay for transportation and incidentals.

We invited everyone last July for an April vacation. We wanted this to be a chance for our immediate family to be together and enjoy the experience and each other. We did not invite any friends or other relatives including my oldest daughter’s (43F) stepson (20M).

This was a hard choice but we knew we had to make some determination otherwise we would be trying to find a place for my in-laws, and some of our friends, and a lot of other people we love.

Last week my youngest daughter M (35F) and her wife (35F) told me that they had promised their nephew L (10M) a tropical vacation that was previously canceled for a situation out of their control.

L is a nephew on my daughter-in-law’s side and we have met him a few times, but he is not our relative and not someone any of the other kids or grandkids have a relationship with

After my wife and I talked, we told M that we really wanted them there, but we wanted this to be “our family” and that we wouldn’t feel right about adding L.

L would have slept in the room with M’s kids so there would have been no expense, just a child guest that nobody knows outside of M’s family.

When we told M that, M told us that she couldn’t see taking this vacation without L and that if we can’t change our minds then they won’t be joining us.

Two of our kids are saying we did the right thing, otherwise, we open the trip up to whoever decides to join. One of our kids is saying we are the jerk because L would have fun with his cousins and wouldn’t be a financial burden or a time burden on us.

My wife and I are struggling. We have already excluded people we are close to when we sent the original invitation. And they had 7 months to bring up L and just told us this week.

To complicate things, M and her wife have been semi-estranged from us off and on.

They tend to drift out of our lives for months at a time until they need something, then they stick around for a little bit before drifting off again. So I really wanted this to be an experience that all of our kids and grandkids could share.

Now my daughter, her wife, and their two sons, who we are least close to, will miss out.

So should we stick to our guns or are we the jerks and need to let them bring L?”

Another User Comments:

“Perhaps unusual take but: nobody’s the jerk.

OP wants to create a dream vacation for OP and wife and seemingly hasn’t really asked what anyone else wants to do. This wasn’t a crowd-sourced vacation, OP has a goal and set a boundary to reach that goal. OP doesn’t get to control their kids or their feelings towards this trip, and it doesn’t really seem like they are trying to.

But. The kids have a right to set their own boundaries too. From the sounds of it, this season of life is busy and chaotic for OP’s kids. Between school vacations, sports teams, work commitments, personal goals, and limited PTO (assuming this is US-based), going on this trip might be a stretch for some of them.

Sounds like daughter and wife are setting a clear boundary too that this trip isn’t their top priority. That might hurt but doesn’t make her a jerk. We don’t know their relationship or what causes the semi-regular estrangement, but I’m not going to call out her behavior as a choosy beggar for saying “I am committed to taking a trip with my nephew and if he can’t be a part of this, I can’t come.” It’s not emotional blackmail, it’s just stating where her commitments are.

She still has to cough up a not-small amount of bucks and the time in order to make this happen and she has a right to decide how she spends those resources.

OP, decide your priorities. If you want all your kids there, relax and let the nephew come.

It’s literally costing you nothing. If you don’t want him to be there or are worried about perception, accept that your daughter and the rest of her family won’t be there either. It’s not that complicated. When you invite people to something, you invite them freely with the option to say no. It sounds to me like she’s saying that, and it is surprising to everyone that your daughter isn’t prioritizing a vacation with her family of origin.

Talk to her about those feelings if you feel like it would be productive, or accept her and her priorities and limits as they are and go have a great time with everyone else.” Reddit user

Another User Comments:

“This “dilemma” seems needlessly abstract to me.

You said bringing the nephew does not constitute any type of burden. On the other hand, not inviting him would make you miss out on time with your daughter and her children, whom you invited and presumably want to come – despite your daughter being a bit “estranged”.

The question is how much do you really mind the kid tagging along? Why make this such a technicality? Your rule is arbitrary in the first place, you’re just as free to make arbitrary exceptions. There’s no family vacation invite policy police.

I’d be practical about it, take the high road, and be more open-minded. There is positive potential you’re throwing away here by being overly nitpicky.

Who knows, the kids could form a lifelong friendship from this. You could reconnect with your daughter. It doesn’t cost you a thing.

I suppose you’re entitled to inviting whoever you want, but being so strict about it seems to serve no practical purpose.

YTJ.” GreenQueen161

Another User Comments:

“YTJ – the road to heck is paved with good intentions. You bit off WAY more than you could chew. I’ve seen this scenario play out many times, and it never goes well. If you’re gonna have a vacation, have a vacation.

If you’re gonna have a reunion, have a reunion. They are not the same. They don’t mix unless money is no object. Clearly, finances are an issue. I’m not calling you poor, I’m saying you’re living within your means. If it’s truly in April, you have time to fix this.

You should cancel, or downgrade, whatever you can. You and your wife should go enjoy your week. When you get back, you should, in consultation with the ENTIRE family, choose a domestic venue where everyone can get together for a nice long weekend. There are thousands of such places to choose from within the geographical area your family resides in that will accommodate as many people that come and pricing that is affordable to all at a quality level acceptable to all.

Been there, done that, got the teeshirt from Aruba and the campground.” gurilagarden

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anma7 2 months ago
NJH... so daughter just remembers after you have intentionally not invited 1 daughters step son that her and wife promised THEIR nephew a caribbean vacation.. i would like to bet if it had been a cruise they would have promised a cruise.. you get what i am saying.. so they are semi estranged so drift in and out dependant on what you can provide them... so chances are once the vacation was over they would have gone again anyways.. but why should you set rules then break them cos she suddenly decides she promised a kid something... sorry but no you are not causing her and her family to miss out SHE IS cos she could have not told the nephew until after it happened... or you could scale it all back just you and wife go together and book somewhere in thr country for all the family amd tell M they can bring thr kid to that trip.. but I bet she says no
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9. AITJ For Telling The Divorce Details To My Sister-In-Law?

“I (32F) met my sister-in-law “Mary” (32F) in uni. We were assigned flatmates who really enjoyed cooking and baking together and became best friends.

She actually introduced me to her brother “John” (35M) whom I was with and eventually married 8 years ago. We have 2 kids ages 3 & 5. Mary was thrilled for us, she had a close relationship with John and remained best friends with me.

John is very intelligent and a bit competitive in nature, so he naturally went into an intense career field.

Unfortunately, he turned towards drinking to cope with an intense job. He started seeing a therapist who helped him identify his triggers, he drank less, and then he quit therapy thinking he was fixed. He started drinking more again after a while. He did the “find a therapist, control his drinking, quit therapy” process 4 times over 5 years.

Each time, he’d make promises and agreements. We had 2 kids along the way, the first before I realized how serious the drinking problem was, and the second after he agreed to quit completely and get fully sober. He went back on that promise and said he wanted to be in control of his drinking and only have 1-2 drinks a week.

He never got completely sober. He’d flake out on promises to the kids and me, he’d go out with friends who encouraged him to drink and have 2-3 drinks, and then start buying bottles again. After the 3rd time he quit therapy, I gave him an ultimatum: get sober or I was leaving him and taking the kids.

I followed through with it.

Mary and I stayed best friends after college but John asked me to keep his drinking from his sister the first time around and didn’t want her to think he had a problem. He was my husband so I agreed if he worked on staying sober.

When I divorced him, it appeared out of the blue to Mary and their parents who couldn’t understand why I would up and leave her brother and adamantly take the kids only letting him have visitation. Mary blamed me for the divorce and wanted to end our friendship so I told her the truth: that I loved him and still do but I wasn’t willing to spend the rest of my life ruining my kids’ childhood and setting ourselves up for disappointment over and over again when he wouldn’t stay in therapy or stay sober.

Mary was horrified after I told her about everything. She got very emotional when I admitted to her how many times I let myself get excited about plans her brother made with me or the kids only to be flaked on when her brother poured himself a drink after work.

She went to give John a piece of her mind and asked him to get his crap together. John’s now extremely upset at me for spilling his secret that I’d promised to keep because “Mary’s image of him is now rubbish” and his parents are disappointed in him too.

I think I had a right to explain myself to my best friend, and I no longer had a promise to keep after he broke his end of it. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. As the daughter of people who are frequent drinkers, I applaud you.

It took some time but you did the right thing for yourself and your children. He has chosen to continue to drink heavily. He has lost his family as a consequence. He should be proud of his choices. And proud of the consequences therein. If he was truly embarrassed or hurt he would choose to change.

He hasn’t and likely won’t. So now he gets to own it.

He wanted to remain “the good guy.” Sorry, nope, doesn’t work that way when your negative behavior and choices are the reason others suffer and the reason you are losing your family.

Part of getting sober is taking responsibility for your actions and choices. Owning the consequences regardless of whether or not you end up happy or forgiven. It’s a sucky part of sobriety but an essential one. He has to be willing to acknowledge his faults and own them.

He is obviously not ready to do any of that and therefore his sobriety will not stick.

Please be sure that you protect your children from him being intoxicated around them during his visitation. Request supervised visitation if need be.

My bio father drank around me during his visitation.

He drank while driving with me in the car. There were times he drove 80mph with me in the passenger seat on city streets. He had no regard for the potential consequences for both of us because of his actions. We got lucky nothing horrible happened. Don’t let that happen to your children.” Foreverforgettable

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – you did what was right for you and your kids and he needs to help himself. If his family knows maybe it’ll encourage him to stay in therapy, maybe not. But it’s not your problem either way.

I divorced a horrible man and had always kept quiet about how he treated me.

When I left it came as a shock to everyone and since I was too afraid to tell the truth a lot of people blamed me and accused me of walking out with no reason. 3 years later, I have the perspective to say that I shouldn’t have pressured myself to keep his secret or worry about his reputation over mine.

You don’t need to slander him, but you can be honest.

Good luck, mama!” bookishbee3

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. He was jeopardizing your friendship with your best friend. But honestly, this is the best thing you could have done for him. He needs a huge wake-up call to address his problem to become sober.

You raised the level of his hitting rock bottom before it impacts his job/friendships and because now hopefully he’ll realize he risks losing his entire family. The best thing friends/family can do is stop enabling/forgiving the bad behavior ASAP so that they recognize their actions have major consequences.” jackb6ii

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anma7 2 months ago
NTJ.. so he repeatedly lied to you and broke his promise to get sober and stay sober.. then his family blame YOU and he did NOTHING to sway their opinion on why you ended your marriage... yes you promised not to spill his dirty secret bit then again he promised to get sober for you and HIS KIDS but didn't... so why is it ok for him to break promises over and over AND take the brunt of HIS FAMILYS anger but he thinks he has the right to be mad when you finally told his sister THE TRUTH... too bad so sad he played a stupid game and won a stupid prize.. however he would rather lose you and the kids than admit he has a real issue and keep his mommy and daddy and sister.... honey you need to keep that man on supervised visits and tell his parents that if they even think of letting him see the kids unsupervised you WILL cut them off too. Tell them all at the same time your kids KNOW how many times he let them down and you will NOT allow him to put drink over them 1 second more
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8. WITBJ For Not Wearing A Hijab To My Friend's Father's Funeral?

“My birth parents were from Iran and my birth mother wore hijab until her death.

I was adopted when I was an infant by their best friends, my very loving parents. Both my parents are Indian, so even though my race is Iranian, I feel more Indian by culture and tradition and identify my ethnicity as Indian.

There are very few POCs in my school (maybe 20 out of 400 students) so me and one other girl, let’s call her A, are the only Iranis in our school.

We met when A moved across the street from me when we were 6 and now we are both in high school. We instantly became best friends. She has always respected my decision to identify as Indian, and we have taught each other bits of Hindi and Farsi (Irani language) over the years.

A’s mom is very traditional, to the point where she’s against burning hijabs in the recent protests. She sees me as family now, so she even goes as far as to not bother putting her hijab back on when I’m around. (Women who wear the hijab religiously are supposed to wear the hijab in the presence of anyone who isn’t close family) She has gently shown me many parts of Iran’s culture as I’ve grown up and never tries to negate me calling myself Indian.

When I turned 13, though, she gave me a hijab. As I started to explain that I didn’t want to wear a hijab she apologized, but told me to keep it “just in case.”

A’s dad died almost 2 weeks ago. The funeral is in one week.

I’ve done my best to help A in any way I can, but it’s affected her so much. She was energetic and full of life and always trying to find the positive but now she’s just empty. She mainly watches TV for most of the day, only she doesn’t react to jokes or sad parts like she used to.

She doesn’t eat more than a couple bites, and I have to coax her to speak more than 2-word replies. Some of the tears I’ve cried are not just for A’s dad but for A. I know time will help, but it just seems hopeless right now.

Two days ago A’s mom gave me a box with a dress and a hijab to wear for the funeral. I thanked her but started to give the hijab back when she told me that I would have to wear the hijab during the funeral. I asked her why, and she said: “I tolerate that you think you’re not from Iran.

I allow it in my home. But you are, and I will not allow disrespect during my husband’s funeral.” She’d never said anything like that before, and I was so taken aback that I apologized, took the hijab, and left. But I do not feel Muslim and have not for any part of my life, and because of this, I’m thinking of not wearing it.

It just doesn’t feel right to wear a hijab when it’s not a part of my religion. I don’t want to get A caught in the middle of a fight in her state, though, so I don’t know what to do. AITJ if I don’t wear it next week?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You are not practicing Muslim and no one should force you to wear religious items that you do not want to. The fact that you are from Iran is as relevant as it would be that you are from China.

Explain to your friend that you are there for her and that you want to go to the funeral to pay respect, but that her mother makes that impossible.

Discuss also with your parents. Offer to dress modestly as anyone should at funerals. And, if it is required for ALL women to do so, cover your hair. If required, hair covering could be a scarf or a hat, not a hijab.

You could also check the dress code with that particular venue (I did not see that it is a mosque, it could be just a graveyard, or else).

I have visited many temples for various occasions and no one asked me to dress specifically, except at some places to cover my arms/legs (but not with a specific piece of clothing).” N-Myra

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

But I do have some perspective on this that may help.

I am South Indian from a Hindu family, and in our culture, women do not cover their heads (it’s actually seen as a symbol of widowhood). However, both female north Indian Hindus, as well as Indian and Pakistani women, cover their heads in varying circumstances (e.g., even if they do not wear a hijab regularly, they do cover their heads in temples/mosques as well as in religious functions at home).

I have very close friends who are Pakistani. Very liberal, but like most South Asians, fairly religious and I have attended a good amount of religious ceremonies at their homes. Nobody has ever forced me to cover my head, but I have at times out of respect and depending on the context.

For instance, in smaller religious ceremonies (like for babies), I may not cover my head. But I do at ceremonies (including funerals) that are connected to a death in the family. It is also not a part of my religion, but I did it as a sign of respect to the family and because I don’t think it all affects my identity or what I believe in.

That said, it was always my choice and it should be yours, too.

Your situation is a bit different because they are asking you to wear one because they see you as Muslim. I would say if you feel comfortable just wearing a hijab to keep the peace since it’s such a difficult time, consider doing so.

But know that your identity and what you feel or believe in about yourself won’t change by wearing a hijab. In India, people do this all the time (wearing a piece of clothing or covering their heads in certain ways or even following certain traditions) when religious ceremonies of friends are involved, merely as a sign of respect for their host, with everybody knowing and respecting that they still belong to whatever their respective religion is.” TA_totellornottotell

Another User Comments:

“NTJ for not wanting to wear it but you would be best to let your friend know in advance that you won’t be attending.

As a white non-Muslim, I along with others went to a mosque for a funeral, the males wore normal Western attire, white shirts, ties.

The women again wore appropriate clothing for a Western funeral and wore normal scarves over the top of their hair. Both groups of men and women were openly accepted in the mosque for the service, the men at the graveside for the committal and then again back at the mosque for food afterward.

Can you imagine if the tables were turned and a Muslim woman was going to a Western funeral to show her respect and she was asked to wear a dress and no hijab because that’s the Western way?

The mother is grieving, it’s best to let her get on with her life the way she wants to live it but you shouldn’t have to dress to an exact code because someone is telling you to follow a religion.

Not picking on her for being a Muslim but I am picking on her for forcing her religion on someone who doesn’t want it.” FrancoJones

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MadameZ 2 months ago
No jerks here, because your friend's family are grieving, which usually means people can be cut a lot of slack. You are NTJ for being uncomfortble about wearing an actual religious garment when you are not a follower of that religion. You ould, perhaps, ask your friend's mother if wearing a regular headscarf would be acceptable (I am a hardline atheist, but would follow a dresscode to support a religious person at a religious funeral ceremony, because it's just a piece of fabric and it brigs them comfort or at least doesn't disrupt their day by eg offending their reigious leader or other family members. If their religious is one I find profoundly disgusting I will just avoid the ceremony.)
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7. AITJ For Attending A Baptism Instead Of My Partner's 40th Birthday Party?

“I’ve been with my partner for a year and a half now. Yesterday was his 40th birthday. I don’t like big parties so he suggested we go away for the weekend instead and we made plans to go to Napa together.

My best friend moved across the country a couple of years ago.

She gave birth to my goddaughter last year and they set this weekend as the date for her baptism. I booked a flight out to attend the ceremony, without putting two and two together that it was the same weekend as my partner’s 40th.

When he found out, he seemed really disappointed that I had double booked and wanted me to stay for his birthday.

I don’t really view birthdays as a big deal, my family was never big into birthday parties or anything, but I know they’re important to him so I agreed to not go and instead go on our Napa trip.

On Thursday, I was talking to my friend and she seemed really upset that no one we knew would be attending the baptism, just her mother and some of her husband’s family.

I felt like I was letting her down and I should really be there for my goddaughter, and I still had my plane tickets (which couldn’t be canceled or refunded) for a flight early Friday morning. So I called my partner and told him I had changed my mind and wanted to go to the baptism instead and we could go to Napa another weekend.

He argued that it was too late to get his money back on the Napa trip and he had already taken Friday and Monday off, but it’s not like I could get a refund on the flight either so we’d lose money either way. I stuck to my plan.

I took him to dinner Thursday night to celebrate at least. He seemed like he was handling me changing my mind without complaining, but he became visibly upset when I told him I was going to head straight home by myself right after dinner. He expected that we could spend the night together, but I had an AM flight and told him I wasn’t going to stay out any later or go home with him.

He took off in a huff, so I called my own Uber home and left for the airport the next morning. I was kind of upset with the way he acted, so I texted him Happy Birthday but didn’t talk to him otherwise.

I think I might have screwed up.

I woke up today to a whole mess of angry texts from nearly all of our friends. He ended up going out with some of them to celebrate his birthday since I was gone, and when they got wind of why I wasn’t there, they were all livid.

They all think I’m a complete jerk for leaving him without plans for his 40th, that he had already given up having a big party like he would have wanted so that he could go on a trip with me instead, and that just canceling at the last minute was a horrible thing to do.

I really thought it wouldn’t be a big deal to just make it up to him another weekend, the baptism ceremony was only happening that one day. But from the way our friends reacted, I think I might have made things a lot worse with the way I left.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“Ytj.

If your friend was already upset that not enough people they knew were coming to the baptism, why couldn’t they change the date? Maybe more people they knew, including you, could have come. The tickets that couldn’t be canceled/refunded might have been able to be changed to a different day for (potentially) a smaller fee than canceling the Napa trip.

But even if they couldn’t transfer, as you said, you lost funds either way. Or, since they didn’t have people they knew coming, fly them to you and have the baptism there. It’s not like Jesus cares in which state it’s performed.

Maybe birthdays don’t mean much to you, but they do to him.

And for most people, that’s a milestone birthday. What you’ve communicated to him is that 1) things that are important to him are not important to you and 2) that in his most celebratory moments, you have higher priorities.

Don’t expect a proposal anytime soon. He’s going to be afraid that even if you say yes, you’ll back out last minute.” Glittering_Shape_442

Another User Comments:

“YTJ, for so many reasons. But at the end of the day, you went to be with your friend because her feelings were important to you, even though she didn’t ask you to go, and had her Mother there.

Your partner would have had no one technically, as you forced him to change his plans, not once, but TWICE for you, and cost him, for his birthday.

You couldn’t even be bothered to spend the evening with him, even after he made it very clear how much it meant to him. You didn’t even call to talk with him, nothing. Just a quick message that any other random person could have sent.

You didn’t care about his feelings at all.

This would have been a deal breaker for me tbh. I’d have been crushed and ended it. A wonderful moment was ruined by the person he was in a relationship with, who couldn’t care about him even in the slightest way.

Wow.

I can’t believe you have to ask. YTJ.” introvertedrabbit175

Another User Comments:

“YTJ, even being fairly generous with this you not only messed up multiple times but made choices that were selfish. It’s not unreasonable that you forget dates or don’t realize initially about something, it’s not ideal but it happens.

However, as others have mentioned you basically have shown a pattern of selfish behavior. Your partner changed his birthday plans to be something more along the lines of what you would want and then you basically sprang your new decision on him last minute.

Now, maybe you and that friend are very close, maybe this really was a problem where you felt conflicting responsibilities.

You apparently didn’t mark down when his birthday was, you chose an event that puts focus on you being a godmother, and your post keeps showing a very strong self-focus. Birthdays aren’t a big deal for you so you don’t think that they should be for him.

He already changed his desires for you, made plans based on your agreement, and surprisingly even seemed to be able to shrug all of this off until you also said you’d be heading straight home after the dinner that was supposed to be a small celebration.

You’re the jerk because you basically never seemed to consider his feelings or needs in any of this. You’re the jerk because you couldn’t commit and seemed to consistently prioritize yourself over him. He repeatedly made accommodations and he has been shown that it will never be enough for you.

The problem isn’t that you went, the problem isn’t that you double booked, the problem is that every decision you made was about what you wanted and needed without thinking about how it would affect others.” Templarofsteel

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MadameZ 2 months ago
Yes, YTJ. It's not about whether friends/family are more important than anyone you're jerk, it's not about whether adults should or should not care about their birthdays, it's that you change your mind repeatedly about commitments you have made with no thought at all for anyone else. Do you do this in your work life, as well? With other friends?
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6. AITJ For Trying To Resolve Family Drama At A Wedding?

“There’s a time, and there’s a place, and then there’s, “It’s just not your business.”

“Backstory, my MIL and FIL went through a bitter divorce. To sum things up, he left her with nothing. After 30 years of marriage, things have come out that the family didn’t know.

My wife and I are the only ones to believe it, the rest of the family say my MIL is a huge liar. We temporarily had her move in with us, then found her a place of her own. Since the divorce, my wife and I have been financially supporting her.

The entire ordeal has caused friction with the family. My FIL quickly moved some woman into the house and got engaged apparently. My SIL arrived at the decision she was not going to invite her own mother to her wedding. However, my wife managed to change her sister’s mind.

MIL was not to be part of the wedding and did not attend the dinner rehearsal. As things were, my MIL was to sit in the back. FIL and his fling were assigned front-row seating along with myself, my wife, and the remainder of the family.

As we were taking our seats, I walked my MIL up front and instructed her to sit next to my wife. I sat in the back during the ceremony. At the reception, my wife pulled her mother in for pictures. My SIL made a scene and said she did not want her mother in that particular picture, but she hadn’t been in any prior to that.

Because of the argument, the three of us returned to our seats. The entire wedding was uncomfortably awkward as we all could feel the tension and received odd looks from other guests.

The next day, immediate family only were to have breakfast. There was a change in venue which none of us were told of.

We understood that was deliberately done because we obviously weren’t wanted there. Around noon we began packing up to travel back home. I was taking our luggage down when my SIL approached me and said, “Your wife is a real witch for what she did.” I asked her to elaborate to which she was directly referring to the seating incident.

I corrected her and let her know that was solely my idea and my doing.

She pretty much snapped at that point and said she never considered pulling a stunt like that at our wedding. She continued saying how it was her day, she should have been in control of everything but I took that control from her, ruined her pictures, and caused her undue stress.

She blamed my wife and me for causing a family division and said this was the final incident that pushed her over the edge. Personally, I thought she was making too much of it and didn’t take into consideration her mom’s feelings of being shoved to the back.

The following day, my wife’s brother stopped by our house to pick up my tux. He began chastising me, saying what I did was an extremely disrespectful move and everyone at the wedding thought we were obnoxiously rude guests. He said I should have left family affairs out of the wedding.

All I could say is, oh well. I did it and it’s over with. But literally no one is letting it go and we’ve been seemingly shunned from the family along with my MIL.”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. Regardless of the family issues, it was her wedding.

You don’t get to dictate crap. It does not matter what the backstory is. You purposely went against the bride’s wishes after she conceded and allowed MIL there to begin with, and you all intentionally started crap.

You would have been FURIOUS if someone did this to your wife on your wedding day.

FURIOUS. Had this happened to you, your wife’s memory of that day would forever be marred by the intrusion and audacity of a couple of guests who decided they got to make decisions about guests and photos.

All 3 of you should have left after the photo incident.

It’s unfortunate that you felt the need to interfere and ensure the bride will never concede again and allow her mom near her or her family. The bride will never, ever, forgive her mother for what you and your wife did that day.” Responsible-Stick-50

Another User Comments:

“YTJ.

Who do you think you are that you’ve taken upon yourself to resolve other people’s conflicts the way you decide?

You disagreed with your sister-in-law. Okay. But you took it upon yourself to make things really uncomfortable for her at her wedding.

If you didn’t like her choices, you had the choice not to support her by staying home.

Let me make it clear: based on your side of the story, I don’t think the sister-in-law is in the right except she has the ability to determine who’s going to be at her wedding.

I have no relationship with my mother after my parents divorced. If you ask my mother she would tell you that I took my father’s side.

My father had an affair.

However, the reality is my mother was awful to me. And it got worse during the divorce and I finally decided I had enough. Someone who was looking from the outside in not realizing the 30 years of mistreatment I suffered would probably think I’m a bad daughter.

And I get people who tell me all the time “But it’s your mom!” Because I don’t choose to tell them all of the things that she did to me.

Don’t assume you know the story.” CanIStopAdultingNow

Another User Comments:

“ESH.

You know what you could have done?

Sat in the back with MIL. It would have shown her support without creating a scene.

Depending on your MIL’s temperament (if she was an eager participant or reluctant and went along because it’s what YOU wanted) you may have caused very real damage to the potential of her salvaging a relationship with her daughter.

Your wife should have similarly minded her business about the pictures. It would be one thing to quietly tell her sister, “Don’t you want just one picture with mom? You might regret not having it one day.” It’s another thing to force the issue, just as you did with the seating.” MadWitchLibrarian

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MadameZ 2 months ago
YTJ. THis is your wife's family, not yours, but you had to stick your beak in because you think you are somehow the boss of everyone. You didn't just upset your SIL but you embarrassed both your wife and her mother by making it all about you.
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5. AITJ For Wanting To Replace A Dog For A Baby?

“So, my wife and I have a truly great relationship. I think we have argued all of twice since we have been together (6 years). She is so doting, loving, and understanding about literally everything that comes her way. Her positivity has dragged me out of dark places more times than I can count and her love for me never faltered. To say she is so far out of my league in a sense of physical attractiveness would be an understatement.

I’m a chubby, nerdy, guitar nut and she, an insanely beautiful, driven, talented artist/author.

We got Lyla 2 years ago after being told that my wife wasn’t able to have babies. It took a lot out of my wife. So we got a puppy and eventually, my wife’s depression subsided and things went back to normal (she was in therapy too).

But by some miracle, she got pregnant!! Before my wife even found out she was pregnant, Lyla started acting really weird. Lyla prefers me and always has and I think she sensed that my wife was pregnant because every time my wife even so much as talks to or looks at me, Lyla is at my feet whining and if I pick her up, it seems like she is glaring at my wife.

If my wife walks into the room, Lyla bolts away from her and tries jumping in my arms.

But what really pushed it to the edge was my wife and I were snuggling a few nights ago and Lyla started excessive whining. She then jumped up on the bed, weaseled between us, and nipped my wife’s nose.

I spoke to some behavioral specialists over the phone and they believe it may be a case of the dog sensing the pregnancy and becoming territorial (“protecting” me). It would make sense. My wife can’t even touch me without Lyla freaking out. She no longer listens.

She is constantly underfoot, whining and trying to jump in my arms. If my wife walks up near me, Lyla darts between us and trips up my wife and it seems to be on purpose because after she trips her up, Lyla will jump on me while wagging her tail a million miles a minute with a smile on her face.

It’s taking a toll on my wife, though she would never admit to it. She has pretty much stopped interacting. She is quiet a lot, and whenever Lyla starts whining now, my wife simply walks out of the room and Lyla immediately stops. She has been spending her time in the living room and hardly ever with me.

Whenever Lyla whines or gets weird, my wife’s eyes just drop to the floor and she sulks off. So, I asked my family to take my dog, if they want her (they love her and she would still be close by so I can see her).

All of them lost their crap on me saying that I’m just replacing the dog with a baby. They don’t believe what’s going on in the house and have even accused my wife of causing problems simply because she has “no use for the dog anymore” now that she’s “knocked up”.

I’m standing firm though. Either they take her or I need to re-home for the sake of my growing family. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

But there are a couple of things you need to do.

One, you need to tell your wife that you are going to rehome Lyla for her safety.

If she’s too nice to tell you she doesn’t feel safe in her own home, you need to tell her that her safety is your priority.

Two, you need to tell your family that their distrust of the events you’ve seen with your own eyes is unacceptable and that if they want to be part of your growing family, they need to adjust their nasty attitude about your wife.” Reddit user

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, it seems that the dog has serious issues with your wife’s pregnancy for some reason. This reminded me of a girl (a young woman) that I knew in the past.

I had a pretty close friend Anita years ago. She took a baby pitbull girl.

I don’t remember how she called it, so say it was Dora (it was 20 years ago). They were close to the point that Dora would follow her everywhere, even to the bathroom. Anita worked part-time and could have Dora with her, so they were together nearly all the time.

Anita met her husband, and they got into a relationship. She worried about Dora accepting the man, but Dora took an instant liking to him. They moved together and got married with Dora being “their baby” as Anita was told she had a very low chance of pregnancy.

Anita got pregnant, and everything changed rapidly. Before they even knew about the pregnancy, Dora became obsessed with the husband and stopped listening to Anita. She would growl and would insert herself between Anita and her husband constantly. Anita went back to the trainer who was helping train Dora since she was a puppy, and they couldn’t work out what caused so rapid change.

They started intensive training and were looking for triggers, but the behavior of the dog was getting worse, and Dora started nipping Anita’s legs. This is when Anita realized about her pregnancy.

They were trying really hard to keep Dora, but even the trainer told them it was too dangerous for Anita and the baby.

In the end, Anita’s parents took Dora, and they had no issue with her. Anita didn’t really visit her parents until after birth. I couldn’t believe it when Anita told me that Dora was the loving doggy again and was very excited to see Anita.

Dora was not happy with the baby, and she seemed irritated and very vocal, so they didn’t allow any contact with the baby. I lost contact with Anita approx 15 years ago, so I’m not sure what happened to Dora. Last I heard, she was living with Anita’s parents and was happy.” Tired_Agent_644

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, your dog is showing some serious behavioral issues. You could try different meds coupled with intense training, but at the end of the day, the dog can’t be trusted with your wife and baby.

We don’t know how the dog will react to the baby, and we don’t want to find out.

Some dogs just can’t deal with change well.

I’m curious, what do you do when your dog gets territorial with you? Why are you letting the dog get between you and your wife? Why are you letting the dog on the bed? Do you take the dog out of the room when it gets like that?

You cuddling the dog or letting her get between you and your wife is just encouraging the behavior.

In the meantime, while finding a place to rehome your dog, you need clear boundaries. No dogs on the furniture, no dogs in your bedroom or the nursery.

Teach her commands like “bed” or “back” so if she starts doing this behavior, you can get her to go on her bed or back up and give you and your wife space. Maybe even start crate training if you haven’t already.” Ace_boy08

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anma7 2 months ago
NTJ.. maybe invest in a little camera and record lylas reactions with wife SHOW the trainer... keep the footage show the family butter, them its not ancase of replacing the dog now you got your wife knocked up it's about ensuring your wife and childs safety.. let them see what lyla does... when she pushes in between you you you make her move/get down or do you unknowingly strke her ? This is where the camera will,be invaluable... it could be YOU Re reinforcing her bad behaviour so she's isnt going to stop.. i have a friend who has breed dogs for years... she had a jerk who was amazing until her youngest granddaughter (at the time) was born.. that dog hated that baby even as a newborn and would domeverything she could to get into the house to get to said baby.. she KNEW if they slipped for even a second that dog would have killed her... she had NEVER been like that with anyone ever and to the day that dog died sue hated that child bit was loving t9wards the younger kids born after her... you are protecting your wife and child not replacing thr dog... ask the family if they would rather you remove lyla to THEM or attend a funeral should lyla kill their grandchild/neice or nephew. I know what would rather do
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4. AITJ For Not Informing My Husband That I Would Be Working Late?

“3 years ago, I (37f) gave birth. Since then, I’ve been at home, raising my daughter. Now that she’s older, I decided to get a part-time afternoon job, so that my husband (40m) could watch over our daughter while I worked. At first, I found a job at a pastry shop, but the owner was terribly rude and I was working overtime (unpaid) every single day, so I left.

I’ve started working at a burger joint, and I actually really enjoy it. The problems started when I started going to work 15 minutes earlier and leaving a little later, in order to get to know my co-workers. Everyone has been really welcoming and helpful, and I felt rude leaving the second my shift was over, while everyone else was staying for a bit to chat.

My husband said that he was ok with me going in a little early, but that’s it.

Yesterday, I was working until midnight. We were really understaffed and I didn’t even get my break or even drink a cup of water during my whole shift. At midnight, my manager asked me to stay for another hour, so I did.

The second I entered the crew room, I heard my phone ringing. It was my husband. I grabbed my jacket and called him back. I told him that I just got off work and how busy it was. He asked me if I knew where he was and I didn’t understand the question, until I saw him with our 3-year-old, a minute away from my job, at 1 in the morning…

He started yelling at me and saying that I should have called him, that he was worried, and that things had to change because things would get worse. He also forbade me from calling him while he’s at work (he works for himself. He has an office).

At some point, I tried to calm things down by apologizing for not notifying him and explained to him that I couldn’t go to the crew room, because I was at the register. He said that he didn’t accept the apology and we haven’t talked since.

Am I really that much of a jerk for not notifying him of working an extra hour?

P.S.: My job is 2 blocks from our home, and I walk one of the most well-lit and busier streets to get there.”

Another User Comments:

“ESH.

He overreacted, but it is completely reasonable to be worried when you’re expecting someone home and they don’t show up (particularly when you’re currently looking after small children and need the other parent so you can get some backup/a break – i.e. to be 50% on rather than 100% on).

It’s easy to see why that turns into anger on discovering that you made a decision to be home late and didn’t let him know about it – and a certain amount of anger is also, frankly, ok for that, but it sounds like this has gone a bit overboard.

Have there been similar arguments in the past?

You should have let him know. He needs to know you’ll be later than expected and that he’ll be solely in charge of your child for that time. Yes, you are both parents and share equal responsibility for the child, but you do need to communicate about it, and dumping anyone with unexpected extra time on their own is unfair.

If a manager is asking you to stay for overtime, it’s not unreasonable to say you need to let someone know about it.

Without a child involved, it would still be inconsiderate not to let him know, but slightly less jerk-ish.” GarlicAndJazz

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, and anyone who says you are doesn’t understand the nature of a busy shift when you literally cannot step away, even for a text. I think this is a good lesson for the future and a conversation to have with your manager about needing time to do that if they want you to stay late again, but your husband dramatically overreacted.

As many others have said, I am somewhat worried for you, OP and, frankly, your kid AND your husband. If he’s getting desperate enough to drag your toddler into the night to make a point over you being ONE HOUR LATE getting home, he clearly needs some sort of mental health support (from a professional).

You both should be able to have lives outside of your home if that’s what each of you wants, and he is not coping effectively with the changes and duties that now fall to him. Therapy is awesome. Best of luck to your family!” hoopharder

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. Your poor husband was probably freaking out. The next time your manager asks you to stay late and you want to accommodate, say, “Sure, but give me two minutes to call my family and let them know.” Places like that need good workers; you don’t have to act like you owe them your eternal gratitude for hiring you.

The other stuff was probably brewing for a bit and just came out then because he was upset. You should probably sit down and talk about things.” Reddit user

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Ishouldntbehere2 1 month ago
These people have clearly never worked a busy hospitality shift where it is impossible to leave your station for even long enough to send a text message. It's not necessarily management's fault, although yes she had every right to walk out when he shift was suppose to end, that's not how a good team works. Her husband is creepy and controlling and absolutely out of line for dragging her son out at 1am just because you hadn't contacted him for an hour. Did no one else read that he expects to be able to keep his phone silent when he works, also that he won't ALLOW her to stay back after work for a quick debrief with her coworkers?? What a f*cking controlling @sshole this man is, I can't believe anyone would side with him.
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3. AITJ For Refusing To Invite My Stepmother To My Wedding?

“I (32f) am getting married to my fiancé (38m) this year.

My parents separated when I was 14 years old. My dad left my mum for his secretary (I’ll call her Anna), after my mum was in an accident that left her badly visibly scarred, leaving her to raise my two sisters (both 25, twins) and me alone.

This completely devastated my mum, and she was depressed for a long time. She’s okay now, but she’s never completely recovered.

I’m the oldest child by a long stretch, and I was basically left to raise my sisters and look after my mum for a lot of my teenage years.

I was very, very angry for a long time, and I refused to see my dad until I was in my mid-20s. Both my younger sisters were slightly too young to grasp what had happened and continued to visit him (on weekends only). They bonded a lot better with Anna than I did, and in many ways, she was like a “mom” to them.

She introduced them to a lot of “female” things, like make-up and fashion, because my mum’s scarring meant she didn’t feel comfortable with that kind of thing.

I started speaking to my dad again about seven years ago, and we now have an okay relationship.

I understand a lot better at this age that love isn’t easy, and you can’t help who you fall for. I’m also on reasonable terms with his wife, who has tried extremely hard to bond with me since I was a teenager.

My mum has never fully recovered from what happened and never found anyone else.

She can just about stand being in the same room as my dad without crying nowadays, but she absolutely cannot see his wife. She’s not cruel or dramatic about this – she just politely declines invitations to events if she knows Anna will be present.

For previous events (like graduations), Anna has always declined the invite, saying she doesn’t want to put my mum in an uncomfortable position, and pushed my dad to go alone. However, with my wedding, things haven’t exactly gone like that. I tried to be as nice as I could about it, and I invited Anna out for a meal and told her that I was sorry, but that it was more important to me to have my mum at my wedding than her, so I was going to have to ask her not to come to the wedding.

Anna said that she understood, that she expected it, and that I needed to do what was best for my mum.

My dad, on the other hand, became extremely angry at me when he heard. He called me up and essentially said if she’s not coming, then he’s not.

Both my sisters have found out about this, and they’re extremely upset with me, too and are also threatening not to come.

I’m not sure if I’m the jerk here?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. For several reasons, including that a person can always invite whomever they choose to their own events; and as spelled out, what your dad did was awful.

Generally, I’m of the mind that you invite who you want and expect them to be civil for one day. But in some situations, that’s not possible.

I would urge you to go into your decision with open eyes. Telling your dad not to come is big, and there will be ramifications long after the wedding is over.

It might forever torch your relationship with him, his side of the family, and your younger siblings. That may not be fair, but it is a distinct possibility. It’s easy for us to tell you to burn bridges, as we don’t have to live with the results.

If you’re fine with those consequences, and it sounds like you are, by all means, go ahead.

I also hope your mom can find healing. What you describe is very real trauma, not the garden-variety of crap life throws at you, and I can’t imagine living with that burden.” Local_Age_7615

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

And honestly, nobody’s the jerk. It really sucks they’ve picked their positions so to speak. But you can’t change that; they’re entitled to it. And it sounds like your dad is stuck in his character, surprised given Anna has been so understanding but then again he’s the dishonest type…sorry, you can’t change a personality.

It’s good you’ve had time to work out your anger and distance yourself emotionally. You did what you could, and offered compromises. This is all you could do.

Anna seems to be a peach, hopefully, she will be an example to your dad and sisters so things die down.

For now, all the best with your nuptials and awesomeness in this new adventure and years ahead. C’est la vie …just keep on keeping on.” mayfeelthis

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. It is very considerate of you to take into account your mom’s feelings. And at the end of the day, it is your wedding and you can invite whoever you want to.

With that being said, I really think that your mom needs to try and work through her hatred for your Dad and Stepmom because, at the end of the day, that is only hurting her. Trust me, I know that’s easier said than done. My Mom and Dad got divorced when I was 17 after my Dad began an affair with his younger employee and later married her.

Like yours, my mom was devastated and hated him for a long time, not even able to be in his presence. However, when my siblings and I began to get married she put that aside and was able to just avoid them both like the plague to attend all 3 of my siblings’ weddings.

Now if she would have asked me to, I would have dis-invited my now stepmom because my mother’s feelings were way more important to me. But, she wanted all of us to be able to celebrate together and me not to worry about meeting everyone’s needs on my big day.

I think your mom should also learn to be around them because other family members might not want to dis-invite your stepmom from an event, and it would be unfortunate for your mom to miss out on that just because of them being there.” EnvironmentalSun4761

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LizzieTX 4 days ago
NTJ and your mom doesn't need to learn anything. She was disfigured and injured, and then had her husband dump her for his secretary and leave her with three children to raise. Why on earth do people think she should ever be required to be in the same room with those two? I think she's being brave to even come to the wedding with your dad giving you away. And since this is YOUR day and not Anna's, she needs to suck it up, put on her big girl jerk and be gracious.
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2. AITJ For Not Involving My Stepmother In My Wedding Since I Wasn't Involved In Hers?

“Probably not the best time for payback.

“My (24F) parents got divorced back when I was 11 years old and shared custody of both myself and my younger brother (20M).

A few months after the split, my dad introduced my brother and me to my now stepmom, who we’ll call “Mary.”

My dad never gave Mary any kind of boundaries when it came to dealing with my brother and me. So growing up she’d often cross the line and my dad wouldn’t do anything to stand up for my brother and me and ALWAYS sided with Mary.

I endured a lot of emotional and verbal maltreatment from both my dad and Mary going up. Fast forward years later, my dad and I now have a pretty good relationship and I’ve forgiven him. I’ve forgiven Mary but don’t have a close relationship with her.

We’re cordial with each other but not close by any means. (I’ve never gotten an actual apology from either of them, I’ve just chosen to forgive and let it go. But never forget).

My dad and Mary had their wedding in early 2020. I was not involved at all in the wedding.

I wasn’t in the wedding party and my partner and I were sat at a table with other people. It was essentially like the leftover table, in my opinion. My younger brother was in the wedding party, as a groomsman, so he was sat at the head table.

The whole situation just made me feel pretty crappy that I wasn’t really involved in the wedding at all, besides for a few pictures.

So now my partner (or fiancé now) and I have been engaged for a year and the wedding is next month.

My dad is going to be walking me down the aisle. I sat my mom, dad, brother, and both my grandparents in the front row for the ceremony. Mary is sat in the row behind them. My dad asked me why Mary was sat in the row behind him and why she can’t sit with him?

I told him that the front row is for my IMMEDIATE family only and that’s how I want it.

Apparently, she is unhappy and uncomfortable with this and feels that she should be more involved in the wedding. I told my dad ok sucks for her?

I was unhappy and uncomfortable at her and my dad’s wedding and I sucked it up for a day.

My dad’s financially pitching in to help for the wedding and Mary has threatened to take away the financial help from “my dad and her.” I told her to do whatever she wanted and that I frankly don’t really care.

She’s been bad-mouthing me to both my dad and my brother saying how I’m a major jerk for doing that after “all she’s done for me”.

My brother thinks I’m in the right and it’s my day. My dad is, of course, siding with Mary, and understands that it’s my day but feels like I should be considerate of her and her feelings.

AITJ for not sitting her with my dad and involving her more?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – for not having Mary involved in the wedding. But why isn’t Dad getting the same treatment? Mary didn’t get married alone. Your dad was there. Your dad refused to have you in the wedding party.

If you and Mary did not get along she didn’t need to have you as a bridesmaid. Your dad could have had you on his side or had you walk him down the aisle.

Don’t just blame Mary for how you were treated as your dad was just as equal. I understand it is easier to blame someone you don’t love because then it is harder to come to terms that your own father can treat you this way.

It sounds like you were treated as a guest at their wedding (if it was me I would prefer that. I hate being in weddings. I was forced to stand next to my dad when all I wanted was to sit in the back).

As for seating arrangements, it is rude to split up spouses.

I understand you don’t consider Mary family and I wouldn’t either but she is your dad’s wife. She should be treated accordingly. That means spouses sit together. Maybe have both of them in the third row instead. For reception, it would be in poor taste to split them up as well.

I can get behind the ceremony but at the reception that is petty and will leave you as the jerk.

If Mary pulls the funds fine. This is why grooms/brides should never take financial help to pay for their wedding because, otherwise, you will need to compromise on how you want to have it.

And if you do end up being petty towards the seating arrangements Mary has every right to not attend and pull her money as I am sure it is joint funds.” hope1083

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. It sounds as though Mary has never been a mother figure for you, so her place in your wedding is just the same as any other guest. However, please understand that your Dad may prefer to sit with his wife, so it may be thoughtful for you to (quietly) offer him the choice of sitting in the front row or with Mary a row behind.

She doesn’t have to know you’ve given him a choice. I’d also set up a discussion with Mary where you explain there isn’t enough room to sit them all at the front, but as it’s YOUR day you’d like your dad to sit in the front row.

I do think that Mary’s reaction to take away the financial contribution is out of order and you’ve done the right thing in not letting that sway your decision. It should be a gift, not something that holds you to ransom because someone doesn’t get their way.

Ultimately, she’s not your mother and it sounds as though you two don’t have the best relationship. She’s had her wedding, didn’t care about your feelings at that time, so really needs to accept her place in your wedding and move on. Christ, it’s not like you’ve chosen to not invite her, she’s just sitting in the second row instead because there’s no room in the front row.

She needs to stop being a brat.” alwayscold666

Another User Comments:

“I’m going to say NTJ here, but I do think you’re being foolish in a way that will hurt your relationships and detract more from it being “your day” than if you relented.

You have your dad walking you down the aisle.

You want him to be involved in the wedding. In spite of this, you are very publicly sitting him next to his ex-wife and banishing his current wife to not be allowed to sit next to him. You are totally allowed to do this, but that’s a blindingly obvious, extremely petty jab.

Is the seating arrangement of the front row vs. the second row really so important to you that you would choose to blow up your dad’s participation in your wedding over that? And if the seating arrangement here is that important to you, is your relationship with your dad really strong enough that you want him walking you down the aisle and a major participant in the wedding?

Additionally, people talk. Sitting your dad next to his ex-wife could very well attract attention, even if both he and Mary don’t say anything during the event (and they probably will). Do you think that having to potentially field questions about what you’re doing is worth this small moment of pettiness?

Will it really improve your wedding, overall, to smirk at your dad sitting next to his ex-wife and then have even a single person ask, “Yo, is your dad back with your mom?” and then have to explain your little seating trick to them?” Milskidasith

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LizzieTX 4 days ago
NTJ. What some fail to realize is that this is YOUR day, your and your fiance's day and whatever you decide is right. If your stepmonster is offended by your treatment of her, tough. Maybe she should have been nicer to you growing up if she wanted you to treat her like family. Sucks to be her. You forgave your dad because he's your dad and I get that. Again, this is YOUR day, not hers, not his, not anyone else's. And if anyone else has an unflattering opinion of the plans you've made for YOUR day, tell them they're welcome to not attend. I hope you have a beautiful wedding and a long and happy marriage.
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1. AITJ For Keeping My Daughter's Sexuality A Secret From My Wife For Years?

“Sometimes keeping a secret is best, but encouraging her to tell her mom herself would have been the better route.

“Three years ago, our daughter was 12 and came to me because she had developed feelings for another girl at school.

She wasn’t sure exactly what she was going through but realized she never had an interest in boys. We spoke, and she later determined on her own that she is a lesbian. She asked me not to tell anyone, I respected her wishes and wanted her to feel completely in control.

Fast forward to now, she’s 15 and in a relationship which I was the only one in the family that knew. She determined recently it was her time to come out. Just after doing so I immediately sat my wife down to discuss the issue with her parents.

I’d prefer if we could all act as if they fell off the face of the earth, but that’s not going to happen. She is very different from them, they don’t see eye to eye on much. However, my wife is very open and tells all.

I love her honesty, and she really is the best communicator I know.

That comes with drawbacks, though. Part of the reason our daughter asked me to keep this a secret until she was ready, well that was because of her mom. We knew by telling her, she would make a huge announcement to the family, social media, and probably put it on a billboard (kidding).

My wife agreed not to tell her parents seeing that they would cause our daughter pain based on how they are full of hatred towards anyone that doesn’t fit in their shoebox. To my utter shock, they don’t know a thing as even my wife’s sisters know but haven’t told them either.

However, my wife is very upset I had gone 3 years keeping this secret from her. She’s not upset with our kid but with me. She says only dysfunctional families keep secrets from each other. She feels like an outcast as if my daughter and I have a relationship that doesn’t involve her.

She feels her honesty all these years has led to her being disrespected and disregarded. Her behavior has made our child feel bad, that’s the last thing I wanted.

I’ll admit though, I did feel like I was hiding something every time I drove my daughter and her partner to an outing.

Referring to her only in front of my wife as the friend, and not her partner, also seemed wrong to me. Nonetheless, this is what my daughter wanted. She wanted to come out on her own terms, she wasn’t ready for everyone to know.

Had I told my wife and she let it out, my daughter would have never trusted me again. I feel like I did right by my daughter, but not by my wife. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“Nobody’s the jerk. Everyone is entitled to their feelings here.

If I were you, I would’ve made the same choice. And I would’ve made it with the understanding that it might upset my wife one day. But those are my values. I’m sure you didn’t intentionally hurt your wife, and it sounds like you have considered over the years how she might feel to be left out, then ultimately chose to keep your daughter’s confidence.

As your daughter ages, you’ll see how valuable that choice becomes to your relationship with her (spoiler alert: very!)

Your wife might want to take a look at why your daughter didn’t want her to know. And she’s wrong that only dysfunctional families keep secrets.

I’d argue that healthy families have healthy boundaries, and that includes respecting each other’s boundaries and the ability to have privacy and share things in your own time.

For your part, you’ve made a choice that helped your daughter but hurt your wife. You should ask what she wants from you here.

An apology? A promise to never do it again? And then you can decide if that’s something you’re willing to do to make it up to her.” TheeQuestionWitch

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

When I was 20, I came out to my mother as pansexual. I asked her to please allow me to bring it up with my father on my own time, because I was afraid of how he might take it.

(Thankfully, fully supportive and loving.) When I came out to my father, he said he knew, because she told him before I could because “family doesn’t keep secrets.” It felt like such a betrayal of my trust, and it still makes me wary of confiding sensitive information with others to this day, more than a decade later.

I cannot imagine how much more it would have hurt to have that happen during my teenage years.

You did the right thing by your daughter, and if your wife brings it up, remind her that somebody’s sexuality is their business and nobody else’s. It is not up to you to divulge your daughter’s sexuality to anyone, and she deserves the right to come out to others at her own pace.

I empathize with your wife, but I think you made the right choice in this situation.” haelsvolgir

Another User Comments:

“YTJ.

I’m sorry, but three years of actively lying to your wife? I’m glad you did right by your daughter, but you may have destroyed your marriage as a result.

You say your wife is a good communicator but she tells everyone everything. Is she open about her life because she can be? Has there ever been an instance where you ask her not to tell anyone anything and she respected your wishes? It seems like you and your daughter had this impression she was a chatty mouth incapable of respecting people’s boundaries.

So not only did you lie to for her three years but you had this impression she would not have done right by your daughter? Also, she missed being there for her daughter while she developed crushes and was in relationships as well. What you should have done is help the daughter see her mother was capable of being trustworthy.” whatitdobaybeee65

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anma7 2 months ago
NTJ.. daughter trusted you woth her biggest secret to date IN HER LIFE.. yes wifenis allowed to feel hurt but ask her if you had broken daughters trust does she honestly think that daughter would EVER be able to trust you again WITH ANYTHING.. that as parents we sometimes have to make decisions that yes hurt the feelings of the other but reassure her that if it had been something massively different ie dad a boy indecently touched me something like that then YES you would have told her however daughter had her OWN reasons for mom being kept out the loop and you respected her wishes on this.. did you like doing it NO however you were thinking about the bigger picture daughter wasn't 100% certain of her feelings and as such she didn't want a big thing made of it until SHE KNEW whether or not she wanted and was READY to speak HER truth. However younadmit wife can be too open about things dies this include other people's things or just your immediate family things... if that's the case gently explain that this was the reason daughter wasn't ready to tell her about it and on,y told you
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