People Are Looking For Confirmation That They're To Blame In Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
19. AITJ For Wanting My Parents To Blame Themselves For Things They're Not Happy About?
“My parents have three kids together. There’s me (19f), my brother (18m) and our younger sister (12f). My brother and I are the closest of the three of us. We were always friends as well as siblings and he has always been my ally. My sister is someone I have a complicated relationship with.
As the baby of the family, she was obviously a bit spoiled when she came along, especially when she was a surprise baby for our parents. But once she was a little older (4 or 5) and she had a lot of energy and was often very hyper, our parents forced me to take on a role as a caregiver of sorts.
I was expected to help feed her and calm her down before bed. I was told I needed to walk her to school once she started. If I was going to see friends she was always forced along. The more time she was pushed on me, the more she wanted me and the more my parents made me include her.
They never expected that from my brother. Even told us to our faces that of course sisters will be closer and will take care of little sisters. That it’s not a brother’s job.
They made everything surrounding my sister for me a chore. I was never hanging out with her because I wanted to, but because I had to take care of her.
I had to keep her safe on the way to school. Had to make sure she ate (and this would be when our mom was home, btw). I had to take her along with me as if I was a single mom without childcare. So my feelings for my sister are complicated and the sad thing is she considers me her second mom as well as her sister.
She used to call me mommy-sis and even as she grew older she would describe me as her sister-mom to people. I have found it hard to truly maintain a relationship with her because I always want space and time from her, to figure out my feelings, but know it would hurt her if I did take that time because she is so used to me being around.
What happened is my brother and I went on a weekend trip with some friends of ours. My parents found out and told me I should have taken my sister along and how awful it was that I was pulling away from my sister and spent far less time with her than I should be.
They said they can clearly see I love my brother more and that’s wrong. I snapped and told them they were sexist jerks for only expecting that kind of role from me and that if they want to blame anyone for the way things are with my sister and me, then they should blame themselves for forcing me to take care of her when I was just her sister, not her parent.
They told me I was not the only kid ever asked to care about young siblings and am the jerk for blaming them.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your parents dumped their responsibilities onto you. Not only is that a really rubbish thing for your parents to do, but they also added some casual sexism into the mix too by never expecting your brother to help with the youngest.
Parentification is a word that is sometimes overused on Reddit, but it’s completely accurate in this case.
I don’t understand how they can watch your little sister call you ‘mommy sis’ and not realize how badly they are failing the both of you.
I hope you have the ability to distance yourself from your parents (move out etc.) As I truly do not see them ever realizing how negatively their actions have impacted you, without you taking significant steps.
Good luck.” HammerOn57
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were a ready-made nanny. Parents do ask older siblings to watch out for younger ones, it’s always been that way, and yes, historically it was more girls than boys because they helped on the farm or around the yard/house.
But. Your parents sound lazy and just gave you the responsibility of raising your sister taking away your own childhood. I hope you can get over feelings of resentment towards her, it was your folks who were in the wrong.
They are upset because now they have to take on the responsibility for her.” Anonnymusse
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are right, they treated you differently because you are a girl and that has had an effect on your life that your brother doesn’t have to worry about.
You had to do a lot of work with your sister and give you a lot of your time when actually your parents were capable of doing that themselves.
You were used as a sort of au pair while your brother did what he wanted to. It is NOT natural for a child with two parents to call her sister a ‘mom’ of any kind.
You said the right thing to them and I don’t know where you go from here, but you can no longer be forced to care for your sister.
You need to start living your own life. I don’t know what your plans for the future are, but if you can get out, do it.” Holiday_Cat_7284
18. AITJ For Pumping Milk In Front Of My Sister-In-Law?
“I was on my period. I get bad periods and usually take medication, but haven’t whilst breastfeeding. I always pump A LOT of excess milk and donate frequently. When on my period, I leak from my breasts a lot more.
Our child is 6 months, and I have post-partum depression. I sadly have no living family members, so my husband makes an effort to make plans with his so I can connect with them. I get on great with everyone, that has never been an issue.
Last week my SIL invited us both around for dinner, as J’s Mother was staying with us for the week (she lives out of town). Whilst we originally accepted the invitation, the day of (a couple of days later) I was hesitant to go, and asked J if he minded if I stayed home – he did.
I had just gotten my period that morning, and I could already tell today was going to be a hard day for me mentally – I just didn’t feel like I would be able to let our child out of sight, let alone leave them for a few hours – yes I am in therapy, yes I can still have bad days.
Anyway, J ended up convincing me to go as SIL had sadly once again not gotten pregnant through a round of IVF. Everything was going well until near the end of dinner when I realized breast milk had leaked through my shirt. I honestly had nothing left in me after this, and just wanted to go home.
My SIL said she understood completely (she’s so supportive LOVE her), and had no problem with it. My Husband however was embarrassed and said no to us leaving.
My SIL gave me one of her shirts and moved us to their couch to start pumping.
J was still in the dining room with SIL’s Husband, so I had already finished pumping one breast by the time he came into the lounge. When he did though, he just started yelling at me. He started ranting about how horrible I had been to his sister all day, by not wanting to go, etc. and now apparently I was shoving it in her face that we have a baby and she doesn’t.
Mind you – all I wanted to do was go home. I was cramping so badly, bleeding through products every hour (don’t try to educate me on my own period please), and missing our child who I never wanted to leave in the first place.
I tried to reason with J, but he said that our child is 6 months old and this is getting ridiculous now. We left after this, but on the drive home, J said his sister’s Husband has been giving him flack for marrying someone like me who is weak and pathetic.
When we got home early, J explained the situation to his Mom and she was on his side – which surprised me as we have never butted heads in the past, and SIL wasn’t even upset about it. She believes that my SIL is just putting on a front because she’s a really kind person but was likely upset by her actions – that comment made me think I might actually be in the wrong.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your husband is though and a huge one. Does he know you have post-partum depression? Of course, he does he just thinks you’re weak probably and can’t push through.’ Honey he’s being and abusive jerk to treat you like this, not being empathetic with you, your pains, and your situation.
He is taking advantage of the fact that you dont have any more relatives to get support and goes off to Mommy because he didn’t like how you managed yourself.
I’m sure you have friends that care, someone that can help you out of this.
You have your child. Take your time. Get better and get out. If by any chance you’re going to say, other than this, he’s a wonderful husband, this is just his one flaw. Girl, he’s not wonderful, if his bil is telling him you suck and he believes it then he’s not wonderful, if he’s yelling at you in front of ‘family’ humiliating you, he’s not wonderful, if he can’t respect your boundaries, he’s not wonderful.” Lapurrau
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – knowing you are in therapy and struggling with post-partum depression, and that you have a hard time with your period – your husband is. Giant jerk. In addition, your BIL is also a jerk! Wonder how he would deal if your SIL has post-partum depression.
Anyone that doesn’t get that this is a very real and serious issue to deal with is just adding to the problem.
The behavior your husband presented sounds abusive and not supportive of you at all for what you are going through. He sounds selfish and self-centered for PUSHING you to do what he wants without regard for any of the things you are dealing with.
Yelling at you was uncalled for. Then your MIL taking sides against you – sounds like no one cares about what you are dealing with.
Your SIL sounds like a gem. But you were not doing anything to rub her nose in her fertility issues.
If she had any feelings other than having been supportive of you that would be for her to say not for your jerk husband to throw in your face to kick you when you are down.
Sounds like the whole family needs therapy and I’m very sorry you don’t have more people around you to be supportive and help you through this difficult time.” look4irl
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but your husband and SIL’s husband is!
His brother speaks badly about you to your husband and your husband agrees with him. This is very toxic! Especially with the men trying to speak for your SIL. Did they even ask her if it upset her?
I imagine she doesn’t actually care much about it because she knows babies need to be fed. I bet she feels awful because she probably thinks you’re deliberately keeping your baby away from her because she is struggling, but in reality, she would probably love to have your baby around her.
The poor SIL had all these people speaking for her and ignoring her when she says she was okay…
MIL is enabling her awful sons!” West-Kaleidoscope129
17. AITJ For Going On A Night Out With Friends?
“I (35F) have 2 small children (5F and 2M) with my partner (35M).
A girl in my daughter’s class wanted to have a play date with my daughter, so her Dad (about our age, and single) asked me what we were up to today.
There is a free swimming event happening in town at the public pool, so I said maybe we were going there if he and his daughter wanted to join. He said sure, they’d been thinking about bowling but was open to joining us.
When I brought this up to my partner, he said he didn’t think the bowling alley was an appropriate place for a 5 and 2-year-old.
When I pressed the issue, he said he was uncomfortable with it because the business also has a bar. They are separate rooms, but there is a door joining the bowling alley to the bar.
When I mentioned swimming instead, he said ‘If you wanna go hang out with ‘Single Dad’ then go.’ I thought ‘Ahhh there’s the issue.’
I have never gone somewhere with my kids that their dad wasn’t invited to. But he always says no, he doesn’t want to go. He’s not a ‘go hang out with other parents’ type of Dad.
I should add here, I live 14hrs away from any of my family, and have no super close lady friends… the only reason I’m still living here is that my partner owns a business that can’t be moved.
The argument escalated and he made a comment against me going out with my friends (who are all 10+ years older than me) a couple of weeks ago. We went to a restaurant that closed 30 mins after we got there, so we went to a dive bar close by.
I was gone for ~3 hours; after I had put my kids to bed fed, bathed, happy/healthy, and made sure he didn’t have to work that night. (He’s on call 24/7. I am a stay-at-home mom)
He’s insinuating that I’m ‘going out to the bar and getting wasted’.
I had 1 drink and was the designated driver for my friends. And that I’m wanting to go hang out with a single dad.
I’ve been home with kids for 5 years. Of course, I need time to socialize with adults. He says I get to leave the house every day (to go to the grocery store.
Woohoo. Lucky me).
AITJ for standing up for myself saying I am entitled to a night out with friends without fear of having it thrown in my face days/weeks/months later? And that I can take my kids on a playdate if I want to?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Not even close. Props to that single dad for being involved enough to make sure that their kid has social playdates. As well as to you, you are very much entitled to have your night out, especially as it sounds like you are the primary caretaker, and you made sure everything is in order.
If you want this relationship to continue, and you want to provide a loving, communicative, example to your kids, I might humbly suggest that you do everything possible to bridge this communication gap, whether that be a simple discussion with your partner about the issues, or as far as couples therapy.
Strengthening your relationship can never hurt, and these issues (esp the apparent jealousy) can fester and become poison to a relationship. Work to build and maintain that trust relationship with each other, for a happy life.” GrubbyTopDashCarter
Another User Comments:
“Possible ‘everyone sucks here’. I think there is something tempting about the single dad to you.
Be honest with yourself and decide if you want to start down a path like that, which could potentially mean giving up your children’s father. It’s understandable to want a night out occasionally. If you need something more in your life, why not start prepping yourself for a new career when the kids get to school?
Maybe some online college classes? You could get a sitter for a short period of time while you do that.
I know what it’s like to feel like everyone’s caretaker and I know it can make you very lonely. I also know it can leave you very vulnerable to the attention of other people.
Think about what you really, really want out of life before you make any decisions you can’t unmake. Good luck and hang in there.” subzbearcat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are entitled to socialize with other adults and take your kids on playdates. It’s not fair for your partner to make you feel guilty or try to control your social life.
It’s important for parents to have a support system and spend time with other adults, and it sounds like you don’t have a lot of other options in your area. It’s also unfair for him to insinuate that you’re going out to get wasted or that you’re interested in the single dad.
It’s important to communicate with your partner about your needs and expectations for socializing and parenting, but it’s not okay for him to be controlling or make you feel guilty for wanting to spend time with others.” User
16. AITJ For Thinking My Classmate's Mental Struggles Are Not My Responsibility?
“I (18f) am in a high school psychology class taught by ‘Mr. B,’ who is also my homeroom teacher.
In the class is another student ‘Lillian’ (18f) who claims to have an anxiety disorder. I say ‘claims’ because she only advertised her anxiety after we finished our unit on psychiatric disorders. She has said that she’s never gotten a formal diagnosis. She says that learning about anxiety in class has helped her identify that she’s been suffering from anxiety starting this year.
She’ll interrupt Mr. B to talk about her own ‘experiences with anxiety disorders’ even though she never specifies what anxiety disorder she claims to have (and most of her examples are pretty typical experiences like feeling nervous before speaking in front of the class, even though this nervousness has never hindered her participation).
Well, Mr. B assigned us a three-week-long project to do in groups and he paired me with Lillian. It wasn’t a terribly intense project and we agreed to split the work. I got my part done about halfway through the second week.
Our class meets every day of the school week, so, every day, I would talk with Lillian, who said that she would finish her work but her anxiety was really bothering her so she didn’t want me to rush her.
At the beginning of the third week, she even told me to stop bothering her about the project because I was just making her anxiety worse, so I stopped questioning her.
By the day before the due date, Lillian hadn’t done her part. Because we were being graded as a group, Lillian’s slacking off would penalize me.
I stayed after class and explained the situation to Mr. B and he told me that he trusts my work and he’ll just grade Lillian and me separately.
The day that the project was due, Lillian still hadn’t done her part. Lillian later asked me if I had put her name on my work and I lied and told her yes because I didn’t want to deal with her.
By the end of the week, Mr. B returned the projects and Lillian saw that I had submitted my work alone and that she had gotten a zero. She started crying and told me that I was cruel for lying to her and that her parents are going to be angry at her for getting a zero and that was going to make her anxiety worse.
I told her that I really didn’t care.
Immediately after I said that I felt kind of bad because I don’t know her home situation, but also I feel like her anxiety is really not my responsibility. After that, she started crying harder and accused me of using Mr. B’s favoritism to my advantage (because he has me for homeroom as well).
Now she’s spreading rumors that I’m his favorite, that I’m manipulating him, blah blah blah. Most of my grade doesn’t care but Lillian’s friends say that I’m invalidating her anxiety, that I’m privileged and wouldn’t understand her struggles, and that it’ll be my fault if she does anything to harm herself.
Again, I don’t feel like her mental struggles are my direct responsibility, but I am starting to question if I’m the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Lillian sounds insufferable. Maybe she does have anxiety, maybe she doesn’t. Regardless of that fact, she is still responsible for her own work and holds the responsibility of asking Mr. B for accommodations if she needs extra time or support.
You don’t have to allow her to mooch off of your hard work just because she has anxiety.
She’s being one of the worst kinds of jerks in my opinion. Behavior like that is why a lot of people fail to be seen and find the proper treatment for their mental health conditions.” bordennium
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Lillian is upset that she failed because she decided to slack off, using her ‘anxiety’ as an excuse. She says that she’s nervous before presenting to the class, well then how come she is completely fine interrupting the teacher with anecdotes?
Regardless of her anxiety, your grade shouldn’t be dragged down along with hers’, because she didn’t do her work.
You did your work, and she did not. You got a good grade, and she failed. It seems like it’s her problem, she shouldn’t expect to get a free ride on the project because she was paired up with a competent student.” BeansAndCheese321
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – she very well might have anxiety disorder and didn’t have the words to talk about it until she took the class, however, I have a feeling she might be conflating ‘guilt’ and ‘anxiety’. She deserves to feel guilty for not doing any work, she should, and that’s normal. She probably does feel anxiety about her grades – because she is not going any school work.
A person should feel anxious about that. However, none of this is your problem. She needs to get help from a therapist, not blame you.
You’ve done everything correctly and might want to talk to your teacher about how her friends are bullying you on behalf of her (the ‘if she SHs it’s your fault’ talk is straight-up emotionally abusive).
Call her bluff, tell your teacher (a mandated reporter) that you’ve heard she is trying to self-harm and you’re concerned.
She obviously needs help, but it is not on you to provide it. Move on with your life knowing you did the right thing.” msbelle13
15. AITJ For Not Taking Care Of My Brother?
“I (26F) have two older brothers (Alex 30, Max 33). Alex is on the spectrum and has several physical and intellectual disability.
Now I never received much of an attention as a kid because understandably, my parents were always preoccupied with Alex and his many health issues.
I moved away at 18, went to college, and got my dream job.
My mother has developed health issues regarding her nervous system so now, my dad is taking care of her and Alex simultaneously. Max recently had his third child with his wife and is super busy with his children.
So my dad asked me if I could please look after Alex until my mom gets a bit better.
I said I couldn’t do that because I work during the day, and I don’t have nearly as much experience, patience, or time to give Alex the care he needs.
I said I was sorry but I wouldn’t do that. It would also be a rather long way for him to travel.
From a more selfish perspective, it would also be very inconvenient for me because I haven’t come out to my parents yet (I’m into women), and I don’t believe in relationships and I often have people over.
I wouldn’t change anything about my life right now.
My dad told me he couldn’t believe how I could choose my job and comfort over my disabled brother. He said I was being heartless and that he needed my help. I offered to pay for a nurse or some kind of institutional help.
Dad told me he could not believe his ears, told me he was disappointed in me as a person, and hung up the phone.
Was I being a jerk about this whole thing?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and you were very generous in offering to pay.
You do need to make it clear to your parents that you will not care for your brother when they pass or become unable to care for him themselves. They need to find a place for him where they feel confident that he’ll be well looked after, and the best thing for your brother is if he moved there before something happens to your parents.
I don’t know the extent of his disabilities but I think it’s cruel of parents to keep their child at home until something happens, and their child has to deal with both moving into a new place with new people caring for them and deal with the loss of their parents.” TheQueenOfDisco
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What I always find surprising about these issues is this. If you, for whatever reason, moved across the world, what would your parents do? Call your married brother. Probably not. They would hire someone to assist them. Because you’re single, and in their way of thinking, don’t have any personal family responsibilities, you’re expected to drop everything and help them.
If your parents are getting on in age and health, who is going to care for your brother when they’re no longer in the picture? Do they expect you to be the unmarried sister whose responsibility it is to care for your brother for the remainder of your lives?
He’s your brother but not your lifelong responsibility. Send your parents some information as to where they can get assistance then get on with your life.” neochimaphaeton
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your parents are picking you because you are a girl. Your parents should have made arrangements for your brother’s care, and not left it on you.
You made other, alternate offers. A nurse. Institution care. All of those are reasonable… And, are frankly better arrangements than you caring for your brother. Your brother is not your responsibility. You are not his next caregiver. You have your own life, that you are entitled to live.
This is the metaphorical hill to die on.
You take on your brother now. And you’ll be on the hook for care after your parents can’t look after him anymore. Your dad doesn’t like your answer, because they didn’t expect you to say no. For sure, your parents are expecting you’ll be the one to look after your brother long-term.
Nip that in the bud now. Tell them that you will arrange care for him… But will not take him on directly. And if they don’t like that, they are welcome to make their own arrangements themselves.” 101037633
14. AITJ For Not Coming Back Home During Break?
“I (18f) grew up on the west coast but am currently going to college in the South. Around a year before I left for college, my parents announced they were pregnant.
I wasn’t thrilled by this for a number of reasons, but I didn’t say much at the time and I was outwardly pretty neutral. My parents seemed disappointed by my reaction regardless and they kept trying to pull me into discussions on what the baby’s name should be or what furniture they should buy for the baby’s room.
They also kept making jokes about how I would need to help out more since they would be older parents. When the baby came, I was around to make sure my mom was alright, and then I mostly kept out of the house until it was time for me to leave for college.
Since I’ve been at college, my parents have continually asked if I was coming home for a break. I went back once (for winter break) and the entire time, it was baby-centered. The house was constantly filled with the baby crying, the sound of cartoons, or my parents asking me to help care for the baby.
Everything was interrupted by the baby. If I wanted to go to a restaurant with my parents – we can’t because of the baby. If I wanted to go shopping- we’re too tired because of the baby. If I wanted to go grocery shopping alone – can you take the baby with you?
They were constantly pushing me to babysit or change diapers or make formula stuff in the name of sisterly ‘bonding’.
During this break, my parents kept asking me if I was going to come back for a break. I told them I probably wasn’t, because I had plans with my friends and I’d rather stay in my dorm than go through the hassle of flying all the way over.
They kept asking me to, and saying it would be a great ‘bonding’ opportunity, but I don’t see what’s so ‘bonding’ about listening to a baby cry for most of the day every day. Finally, I snapped and said I didn’t want to come back until things settled down and they were capable of handling the child they made by themselves.
So AITJ for refusing to go back home for break?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and it’s like your parents want you more as the babysitter than the bonding. With about 18 years in between, the amount of bonding you are going to have is going to be pretty slim as you would be from a totally different generation.
It’s time you focused on your life and did things a young adult would do than a young single mom.
Also at this age, the baby wouldn’t know or remember who looked after her/ him anyway. It’s wise to do as you feel and let your parents deal with the baby until the baby is 2-3 years old when you can have a lot more fun.
Also with the college and classes you want home to be a place where you can relax, not do full-time mommy shifts tiring you even more. Enjoy your life and let your parents deal with their responsibility if that’s how you feel. You don’t have to feel bad about anything as you have a life as well.” SPolowiski
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re an adult and in college. You have plenty on your plate as it is without having to also care for a child that isn’t yours. This issue here really is that your parents made the decision to have another child, and they expect you to help them raise it.
That’s massively selfish of them as you’re now a young adult, going to college.
It sounds like their constant inquiring about if you were coming back was less of an inquiry in their minds, and more about telling you they want you to come back and ‘bond’, and by bond I mean take over their duties because they’re tired from the consequences of their own actions.” HammerOn57
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ and even more they are potentially ruining any kind of connection/relationship that you could have had with your new sibling by pushing a responsibility on you that isn’t yours to bear. A sibling connection is supposed to just happen naturally.
Trying to make u feel that u have an obligation towards the baby will eventually cause resentment towards both the child and the parents. Don’t sugarcoat it for their love. Let them know that having that baby was their choice and they should be ashamed of themselves for trying to push a motherly responsibility on u during a time in your life when you’re supposed to be finding yourself and enjoying the freedom you deserve.” HomeBody_87
13. AITJ For Not Giving Less Money To My Daughter?
“My husband and I have been discussing how we’ll pay for our children’s college education. Our son has always been a straight-A student, and we’ve agreed to give him a substantial amount of money to help pay for his education.
However, when it came to our daughter, my husband suggested giving her less money than her brother.
He said that our daughter isn’t as academically gifted as our son and that we’d be wasting money by investing in her education.
I was really taken aback by this. It’s true that our daughter hasn’t always been the best student, but I know that she’s capable of succeeding in college if she puts her mind to it.
More importantly, I don’t think it’s fair to treat our children differently based on their academic abilities.
I told my husband that I didn’t agree with his plan, and we got into a pretty heated argument. He accused me of being too soft on our daughter and not holding her to the same standards as our son, but that’s not the case at all.
I just believe in giving our children equal opportunities, regardless of their abilities. I think our daughter deserves the same chance to succeed as our son, and I couldn’t bear the thought of holding her back because of something as trivial as grades.
In the end, I stood my ground and refused to give our daughter less money than her brother.
My husband eventually backed down, but he said I was stupid and that we’d just be wasting money.
Now I can’t help but wonder, am I the jerk in this situation? Should I have compromised with my husband?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s really sad that he doesn’t see the value in her getting a college education.
When both kids are graduated, no one is going to care what grades they got, ever. I don’t know why her high school grades somehow determine what a waste a college education would be for her. That’s so ridiculous.
Also, I can’t imagine the amount of pressure your son is put under by your husband.
He has such high expectations of your son. What if he doesn’t live up to your husband’s expectations? He clearly thinks your son will really really benefit from getting good grades and going to college.
What will happen if the roles get reversed in college and your daughter ends up thriving and your son struggles?
Your husband seems so narrow-minded and demanding. You are definitely NTJ.” ItsOk_ItsAlright
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Respectfully your husband is a jerk. Favoring your son and his ‘gifts’ while only willing to give your daughter a fraction of that just because he ‘thinks’ she isn’t as talented.
There are doctors, nurses, engineers, teachers, etc. who have gotten C’s and even failed classes before that doesn’t make them any less worthy of support or financial help if given the luxury. Your husband seems to think he’s a know it all.
Don’t back down, your daughter needs support and clearly, it won’t come from him.” Remote-Ranger1903
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your husband is out of line. If both kids graduate, they should both have access to the opportunities that are available to them. I wouldn’t fixate on the amount of money for education being equal necessarily, just make sure you contribute to giving each of them their start in life, in a way that makes sense for what they want to do.
If you do spend less on one child’s education, roll their education savings into savings for a home or a wedding down the road.” apothekryptic
Does your husband dislike his daughter for some reason? Does your husband always show such favoritism towards your son?
12. AITJ For Announcing My Pregnancy After My Sister Did Hers?
“My husband and I have been trying for our second baby for two and a half years.
We lost 2 pregnancies during that time, though we only told our families about the first. I’m incredibly grateful to now be 13 weeks pregnant and have been looking forward to sharing that news with my family.
On Friday, we had dinner with my family – my sister, her partner, and our parents – and we decided to share our news then.
I decided to wait until dessert so that we could leave shortly after telling everyone. Obviously, it’s exciting news, but I was worried about all the emotions that could surface for myself and my husband.
Right after we sat down to eat, my sister announced that she and her partner are expecting their first child.
I was thrilled for her and congratulated her, as did the rest of the family. Once things had settled down, I didn’t want to waste the opportunity to have everyone together and thought it would be a good opportunity to keep the joy flowing, so I shared that I’m pregnant as well.
Our parents were so excited to be having two new grandbabies just a month apart and I was super happy that my kids would have a new cousin. My sister was happy for me but she left very soon after dinner and didn’t stay for dessert.
She called me this afternoon and told me that as happy as she was for me, she felt that I’d done a bad thing by taking away ‘her moment.’ She pointed out that this is my second baby and when I announced it for the first time, I didn’t have to ‘share’ with anyone.
I didn’t want to apologize because I didn’t feel I’d done anything wrong, but she finished the phone call by saying that she didn’t think I was really even happy for her if I couldn’t have let her have that moment and taken another for myself later on.
That really stung.
I truly didn’t see it that way. I saw it as sharing joy, not stealing it. I also see each pregnancy as being unique, so I don’t feel that it was right of her to say I shouldn’t have said anything because it was my second baby.
Honestly, I think she might be kind of hormonal. But I also want to understand my sister and I know I’m not going to get anywhere asking her about it. So, I want to be enlightened. AITJ for announcing my pregnancy immediately after my sister?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Your pregnancy is not your first, but that doesn’t make it less important. She announced it first, but you were also planning to announce it on that day. Excitement is not a limited resource, your family can be happy and excited for both of you, you didn’t take ‘her moment’, she still has it, and so do you.
I can’t imagine caring any less about a family member’s pregnancy just because someone else in the family is pregnant.” drinny_
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You had already planned to make the announcement. If you had planned to announce it at a different time and changed it specifically to announce it right out to your sister, then you would be the jerk.
But it was already planned, and you shouldn’t have to change your plans just because someone else announced something. Especially since you were only there for the weekend.
And people acting like this pregnancy is not as important simply because it’s a second child can suck a jerk.
A second child is just as important as the first. And this child is a rainbow baby to boot. You shouldn’t be forced to tell your parents about your pregnancy over the phone like people are suggesting, just because your sister is upset.” wowImlate
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – You both were equally excited to share the news with family. You both spent time envisioning how’d it go with everyone toasting you, being excited for you, and spending the rest of the night talking about it.
Both of your feelings are valid and real.
Had you had time to think about it I’m sure you’d have waited till at least dessert or preferably another day to share your news allowing her the space to be the center of attention for a bit before you shared your equally happy news.
But you got swept up in the happiness (and your own hormones) and shared right away. Hindsight is 20/20… your intention was good.” Far-Juggernaut8880
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
More to celebrate is more. This notion that anything is reduced, that the grandparents have less love and excitement to go around… it’s not like billing on a movie poster, people.
You had one opportunity to make this announcement in person since you had traveled across the country for just a weekend. You had planned ahead and had no reason to expect that you wouldn’t be able to share your good news. Your announcement takes nothing away from your sister—she’s getting celebrated, and she’ll get to enjoy attention from your nearby parents while you’re far away.
And you didn’t go to your sister and say, ‘Wow sis, thanks for taking away my chance to tell the folks about our baby.’ She needs to chill.” Amiedeslivres
Congratulations on your pregnancy and I wish you all the best.
11. AITJ For Kicking My Wife's Parents Out Of The House?
“Last weekend, my mom and younger brother (12) visited my wife and me. One of my sisters also lives in the same city as my wife’s parents. On Saturday my wife invited my mom, brother, and sister, and my wife’s parents to a dinner/get-together at our home, as our parents haven’t seen each other since our son was born 6 years ago.
I did not like the idea, but my wife was set on it.
Our parents have never gotten along well. My in-laws are wealthy whereas my mom has always been poor and myself and my brother help support her now. At 51 my mom is also young compared to them (70+).
In the past, my in-laws have said some things about my mom that have upset me, but I’ve tried to not let it bother me.
The night started badly when my wife asked my mom about her partner and her dad started asking her questions about him.
‘Why didn’t she invite him? What’s his job?’ But then getting more invasive and essentially implying single moms shouldn’t date and making a suggestive remark about her kids having different dads. I was already irate at this point, but my wife was able to deflect the conversation.
Over the course of the night, they continued to make negative remarks that were directed at my mom. Even when my MIL was congratulating my sister about getting into law school, she used it to backhand my mom by saying how impressive it was considering where she came from.
MIL also kept trying to police how my mom interacted with my son. A couple of times she told my son off for how he was playing with my mom despite the fact I was right there if he needed disciplining.
I could see my mom was getting upset and because she was staying with us, she couldn’t even leave.
I was able to talk to her privately and asked if she was alright, she said she was fine, but she seemed very distressed. My mom has a history of mental illness and an anxiety disorder that often leads to her struggling in social situations.
My mom silently went to our spare room without saying anything to anybody else.
I decided to politely ask my in-laws to leave and explained to them that I wouldn’t tolerate them speaking to my mom the way they had that night. My wife & FIL tried to talk to me about it, but I told them I didn’t want to discuss it right now, I just wanted them to leave.
I didn’t want to talk because I was already very angry and didn’t want to lose my temper. After they left my wife and I started arguing.
She tried to downplay how her parents were treating my mom and make it seem like I was reading too much into their words.
She also argued that even if I wanted her parents to leave, I should have discussed it with her first (ignoring the fact I couldn’t have done that without extracting her from a conversation with everyone) and I was disrespecting her by not getting her permission.
She now thinks I’m treating her family badly when it was her parents that wouldn’t stop disparaging my mom, and I know she noticed because she kept trying to intervene. AITJ for kicking them out?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were right to stand up for your mother and ask your in-laws to leave when they were making derogatory comments toward her.
It’s understandable that you were angry and didn’t want to discuss it at the time, and your wife should have been more supportive of you at that moment. It’s not disrespectful to her family to address their hurtful behavior towards your own family member. Your wife should have taken your concerns seriously and been more understanding of your feelings.
It’s important for partners to have each other’s backs in situations like this.” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for not discussing things with your wife. It sounds like there may have been different ways to interpret what was going on. Her parents are probably annoying and insensitive, and you and your mother are sensitive about certain topics.
Kicking her parents out just compounds the issues and is going to create more problems. Instead of coming at this like a bull in a china shop, you should have sought your wife’s help in managing her parents.
A show of strength/power was not needed here.
You should have set boundaries with your wife and allowed her to set them with her own parents. You steamrollering it says you don’t trust her to manage them. Respect your wife’s relationship with her folks and give her an opportunity to defuse things, rather than escalate.” Squiggles567
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your wife knows she and her parents are wrong. That’s why she kept trying to redirect the conversation. Did she ask permission before deciding everyone was invited? It’s your home too right? You said you didn’t like the idea but she was set on it.
So did she steamroll you into this was what was going to happen or did she unilaterally decide and just let you know the plan?
Regardless, you stood up for your mom. They made enough comments that she left the get-together. As already said, your wife knew it was bothering you and kept changing the conversation.
I’m guessing it was obvious to everyone that their being jerks was bothering you.
Unfortunately, jerks with money very rarely don’t get their way and it seems your wife may be like her parents. You did nothing wrong asking them to leave and you didn’t need her permission.
She was aware but was willing to allow it to continue because it was her parents that were in the wrong. I have a feeling if it was your mom causing the issue she would have had no problem asking her to leave without your input.” muskiesfan1
10. AITJ For Not Telling The Truth About Why I Don't Want To See My Parents?
“I (15F) am in foster care, specifically a group home.
I was removed from my parents’ home a few months ago and I’ve been attending family therapy with them twice a week. I also meet them for lunch every Saturday and occasionally go to family lunches on Sundays with my extended family. You can probably tell that the aim of my case with the social workers is reunification.
My parents are getting better and family therapy has been helping a lot, but there are a few things that they won’t accept. For example, they refuse to accept that they favored my brothers over me and that they were better parents to them than to me.
Sometimes, I get into arguments with them during family therapy and the session ends early, but my social worker said that it’s important for me to be resilient and keep meeting with my parents so we can improve our relationship.
At our session on Wednesday, we got into a pretty big argument and I left the session because I was just embarrassed to be crying in front of the therapist. I then decided that I didn’t want to meet my parents on Saturday which worked out as one of my friends, Ray (17M) invited me to go watch a movie.
I told my parents that I couldn’t see them because I was busy but I told my social worker the truth and she understood.
When I got back from the movie, my dad called me and told me that his brother had seen me at the cinema with my friend and he asked why I couldn’t meet them.
I told him that I was still upset after the therapy and he accused me of not trying hard enough to improve our relationship so I could move back in. He wants me to apologize for lying about why I couldn’t see them. I thought that lying was the best course of action because if I told them that I was still upset, it would just lead to more conflict which will make the situation worse but honesty is a big part of the therapy so now I’m stuck.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You know what? Despite the fact that you are 15, you still have the right to emotional privacy. You don’t owe the whole world the truth about how you feel all the time. It is actually okay to give little white lies as a reason for these kinds of things, especially if the actual truth will make you feel even worse than you do already.
The problem with the truth about your emotions is that you will encounter people who will second-guess your feelings and try to explain to you why you really don’t feel that way.” Jocelyn-1973
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you were honest with the social worker and when you tried to explain to your father after the fact, he became accusatory and placed blame.
That’s a good place to start in your next therapy session. It’s GREAT that you understand how important honesty is – you should be able, to be honest in the safe space of therapy. Crying in front of a therapist is no big deal – they expect it.
And retreating from work for a day to spend time with a friend is another form of self-care.” NGDGUnpunished
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you told the therapist the real reason and were simply looking to avoid more unnecessary drama. The family dynamics sound bad.
That you are all in therapy is a good thing and it may take some time. I’d suggest addressing the reason you felt the need to lie in your next therapy session. To be honest I wouldn’t apologize for it by simply addressing the reason but follow your therapist’s guidance.
The whole family needs to understand that EVERYONE needs to change and adjust their behavior for this to work and that it will be an ongoing struggle until new behaviors become the norm and not just a means to get you home. I wish you all good luck.
Stick with family therapy. Maybe suggest individual therapy for your parents also. Sounds like they may need some extra help in addressing their share of the issues.” look4irl
Your parents need to be told that you coming home isn't totally dependant on you. THEY need to open up and change and admit their faults too. Otherwise this is just going to happen again and again until you turn 18 and they never see you again. They need to change if they have any hope of having thie daughter back.
9. AITJ For Not Being Quiet?
“I (23f) have been living in a student dormitory for the past year. The rooms are allocated based on a waiting list or a lottery system so we don’t get to choose our roommates. My partner (28M) recently moved into the same dorm but to a different building.
He got a room with a private bathroom whereas I need to share mine with 4 others. His kitchen is shared by 8 people just like mine but is also a lot bigger so we spend most of our time in his room. This is completely allowed btw as many students live with more roommates to save money.
Since we are at the university all day, we only use the kitchen to cook dinner every night and on weekends. We even eat our food in his room so in total we spend like 60 min in the kitchen per day during non-quiet hours. His next-door roommate (20sF) is home all day as she writes her thesis from her room.
Her room is also right next to the kitchen so I guess she can hear everything more clearly than us. She has asked my partner to walk quietly when in the kitchen and has also asked her partner to tell him. We obliged and are more careful now.
However, that’s still not up to her standards I guess as she wrote a very rude letter to us saying that we walk too ‘heavily’ in the kitchen while barefoot (we’re never barefoot) and it feels like we’re knocking on her door with a hammer.
She also said that the sound of us closing our closet door (like once every day) disturbs her and she can’t concentrate even with noise-canceling headphones (we share a wall). The thing is, we can also hear her close her doors but I think it’s just part of living in a shared space with thin walls.
She’s saying that we’re causing her nervous breakdowns every time we’re in the kitchen. We wrote her back saying we’ll be more quiet during the quiet hours and we aren’t purposely trying to walk loudly but she could go to the library if she can’t concentrate from her room as she can’t tell people how to exist in common areas during non-quiet hours.
I or my partner have never had anyone complain about the way we walk before and we just cook normally and leave. I think she is being unreasonable. But are we wrong to expect her to suck it up as it’s a common space?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If your neighbor is on the verge of a nervous breakdown it’s because she is writing a thesis. Ph.D. students have a very high burnout rate as writing the thesis is extremely nerve-wracking. It has nothing to do with you and your partner, it’s not your fault she can no longer stand the everyday sounds of joint dorm living.
I feel sorry for her though. If she is in the writing phase of her project and no longer has to do courses or experiments, she better move back home with her folks for a few months to have peace and quiet. And if they live in a small apartment on a noisy street, maybe she can move to an aunt in the countryside for a while or to an off-season vacation resort.
Anyway, she cannot expect the whole rest of the dorm to walk on eggs around her. It’s up to her to find a place that meets her current needs.” Imaginary-Fish4277
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
As long as you both aren’t making an outrageous amount of noise, she doesn’t have a say in what you do in the kitchen, as continual noise is part and parcel of living in a communal area, and the both of you pay to use the dorm’s facilities and have every right to make food in a shared kitchen.
She should be taking her concerns to those in charge of the communal facilities, but not to the both of you as you’re simply making food in the kitchen while kindly accommodating to her demands. She can either request to move dorms or find another place to write her thesis.” brendanmiranda
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You & your partner are being more than accommodating, especially during non-quiet hours! She is obviously stressing over writing her thesis & taking it out on the two of you – she probably needs to see her guidance counselor & maybe get some therapy.
One possible solution – is there another roommate of your partner’s who could switch rooms with her so she’s not right next to the kitchen & partner’s room? Otherwise, she needs to lighten up & use the library!” ResearchMother1408
8. AITJ For Making My Daughter Do Community Service?
“I (36m) have 6 kids (15m, 13f, 13m, 12f, 11m, and 8f) with my wife (36f). Our twins recently decided that they wanted to renovate their rooms, make them more mature. Thankfully, we are in a position where we can do this without worrying about the cost.
Our son wanted to have a vintage sports theme, very 1950s. He’s the sporty one of our kids and he was inspired by some things he saw online. Our daughter was looking at stuff in TikTok for the room inspiration.
For our son’s room, we’ve been going to antique stores and thrift stores for vintage sports memorabilia and vintage furniture.
We were recently at the thrift store looking for some items, our daughter was with us and made multiple comments about if he really wanted his room to have ‘trashy’ stuff in it and was making some comments about what people were wearing, we told her to stop but she was clearly getting a reaction out of his response.
A few days later, our son was asking his partner (13f) if she had any ideas for stuff that match his room to remind him of her. She’s transgender and was helping him look for something to match his room aesthetic. Our daughter decided to make some snarky remarks about the stuff they were looking at, saying about how ‘the vintage days weren’t good for people like her’, my son knows this and it was making his partner upset.
We had to break it up and had a long talk with her, she apologized to our son’s partner and he’s still a bit upset over it, which is understandable, they’re a good couple and he loves her.
Yesterday, we got a call from the school that she was making some comments about her brother, including ones about the furniture she saw and his partner.
These were pretty classist and transphobic. We took away her devices until we knew why she did it and grounded her. We realized that our talks with her weren’t working and at this point, she was choosing to do wrong rather than ignorance.
In addition to losing her devices, we told her she needs to do community service with various organizations to see and have empathy for the struggles of others.
Our kids have grown up with money and I guess it’s made our daughter spoiled.
My parents have heard about this and said that we are being too hard on our daughter and said that we should just continue to talk to her about what she did wrong and we aren’t giving her enough leeway to make mistakes.
They also said her doing community service may hurt the people she bullied. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your daughter’s behavior towards her brother and his partner was unacceptable and needed to be addressed. It’s important for her to understand the impact her words can have on others and to learn empathy.
Taking away her devices and making her do community service are reasonable consequences for her actions.
As for your parents’ opinion, it’s important to remember that ultimately you are the parent and responsible for how you choose to discipline your child. Continuing to talk to her about her actions may not be enough if she continues to make hurtful comments.
Community service can be a positive way for her to learn and grow, as long as it’s done with the intention of bettering herself and not just checking a box. It’s also important to consider the impact on the community service organization and to choose one that aligns with your daughter’s interests and values.” User
Another User Comments:
“Maybe find a special program that involves community service but not do a normal community service type thing. For example, find something parallel to programs that specialize in anger management in children but one that specializes in bullying others.
Therapy could also be a good idea.
Overall NTJ for now but implementation will be important if you’re ultimately the jerk.
look for something that specializes in this type of behavior because I doubt your local food bank would even know what to do with her. Most people don’t volunteer at places to deal with teens that I have bad attitudes.
Your daughter may need help but the volunteers at places like the local food bank, they’re not volunteering to help the population segment your daughter is a part of.” PettyHonestThrowaway
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but just assigning her community service isn’t going to work on its own.
She needs multiple reflective discussions where she thinks about other people and their situations and considers how she would feel in the same place.
She also needs guidance and support during community service if you go ahead with that because a 13-year-old being confronted with a lot of lonely/sad/desperate people is going to have strong emotions about that and need the support of someone to help her through it.
Otherwise, she might just double down as a way of defending/reassuring herself (like ‘It would never happen to me because I’m better than them!’).
If you don’t feel like you will be able to have those conversations with her (or if you feel like she may not trust you or feel comfortable to be open with you) then get her therapy.” iostefini
7. AITJ For Using My Sister's College Fund?
“Since I (19f) was a child, my parents put an enormous amount of pressure on me to attend a prestigious college (AKA a top twenty college in the US). They were basically tiger parents and by some point, they managed to convince me that my life would be over if I didn’t attend a highly prestigious college.
It’s hard to overemphasize how much of a toll this took on my life (for the eightish years I was focused on college admissions) and my mental health. However, their efforts did work and I was admitted to a top-20 university. And on the flip side, they promised to cover my full tuition if I was admitted into a satisfactory school.
However, tuition is extremely expensive. I’m about to finish my first year at the university, and my parents have been paying. We don’t get much financial aid as a result of my parents’ income and savings. While my parents are able to comfortably pay for my college and maintain their life, they wouldn’t be able to do so for any of my siblings.
This has become an issue for my sister(16f), who’s been asking about her college fund. My parents have enough to cover in-state tuition for her, but nothing compared to the amount they had saved for my tuition. They’ve also made it clear that they’re not willing to spend as much on her college.
Lately, she’s been resentful, saying I should have gone to a cheaper school and I was taking away her opportunities. She wants to go to an expensive liberal arts college, but she won’t be able to without loans.
At the same time, she doesn’t understand how stressful our parents can be, because they never focused on her the way they did on me.
Because she had lower test scores and didn’t get into our school’s gifted program, she also had much less pressure to perform than I did though and my parents had much lower expectations for her, which I was always jealous of. I don’t think she realizes that I spent eight years of my life trying to get into this university and dealing with our parents’ stress.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for using the college money although your parents definitely are jerks both for the pressure they put on you AND for the way they neglected your sister. And here’s where I offer some advice because the way you talk about your sister is jerk adjacent.
I get that it’s hard to see it from her point of view because you have suffered and probably still feel the weight of your parents’ expectations. The opposite end of that, ie neglect, hurts a lot too.
Instead of being jealous of your sister’s freedom, realize that you are both victims here albeit in different ways.
Also, chances are she could use some encouragement since lower test scores often do mean fewer future prospects though that doesn’t have to be the case. If you can be there for each other, you’ll both benefit from the support.” Ok_Development74
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here… except your parents. I’m not sure how to recommend navigating this with your sister. In your eyes, she benefited from the lack of pressure, but you need to open your eyes and realize that to her, you’re the golden child and she feels your parents love you more.
She doesn’t have the pressure but she also doesn’t have the support. Your parents control the funds, and if you can’t talk to them and recommend splitting the difference, the only thing you can really do is try to establish a better rapport with your sister.
Commiserate in the jerkness of your parents, you may not have felt it the same way, but you both have been their victims.” mandaroux
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – your parents are for not valuing their children the same. That being said if she got into a top 20 university would they pay for it?
Like, be the ones taking out the loans? They should. I don’t think an expensive liberal arts school is necessarily better than a state school. Obviously, those are such general terms. Some state schools are top 20 universities. Some expensive liberal arts schools are top 20 universities.
If the one she picks is a good school for the program she wants to pursue it’s one thing but if she just wants it because she wants them to spend the same money it’s another.” Level-Particular-455
6. AITJ For Willing My Estate To My Wife?
“I (32m) have a wonderful wife (30f) and two young children (4f and 2f).
I receive monthly royalties from a few very popular novels written in the 1990s. The author is a late great-uncle of mine and I happened to inherit part of his estate after his death. I won’t disclose how much the royalties amount to as that may narrow me down, but I will say that it is comparable to what my friend earns as a physician.
I haven’t been spending any of the money I’ve received in royalties but have instead just invested it for my children’s benefit.
In my state, the law dictates that I can will half of the community property and all of my separate property to whoever I want without needing to be concerned about an elective share claim.
I’ve decided to will my separate property – the book rights and the separate investments – to my daughters. She can keep all of the community property.
My wife is a wonderful woman and we’ve built a great life together. But prior to me inheriting my great uncle’s estate, she had insisted on keeping her own inheritances separate.
Since she set the standard, I don’t feel like deviating from it now that it would be in her favor to do so.
Not only that, if my wife remarries, I wouldn’t want her new family – any other children she may have – to inherit the book rights.
I want them to stay in my family.
I wrote up and notarized my will the other day and gave her a heads-up about what would be in it. But she’s been upset with what I’ve done.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“If something were to happen to you while the children were young, would your wife be able to support them and still spend time with them?
Or would she have to struggle to make ends meet and/or would their standard of living drastically decline?
Only you know the answer to those questions.
If your children would suffer until adulthood, if something were to happen to you, then you are a jerk.
You need to trust your wife will make sound decisions or at the least hire a firm to oversee how she spends the money but allow her to spend it on your daughter’s expenses while they are growing up.
If your wife is also independently wealthy and would just like the money but wouldn’t need it?
Then you are NTJ.
Once the children are grown, then you can leave them the money and not be a jerk, but you need to ensure they can be taken care of as children should something happen to you.” nolsongolden
Another User Comments:
“YTJ but not because you left it to the kids.
But because you clearly didn’t even discuss the situation with your wife. You did it behind her back and then acted like you were doing her a favor by letting her know after the fact. I think you could’ve avoided your wife being upset by simply sitting down and discussing this major life decision together.
God forbid what if you died tomorrow? Your wife might desperately need that money to raise your children. I just don’t see any logical reason to go about this in the way you did.
Lastly, I don’t see that her keeping her inheritance separate has anything to do with the story.
It would only be relevant if in her will she also left it to the kids only.” Quallityoverquantity
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you’re not leaving your wife penniless while your children have funds she can’t access to care for them should pass before they’re of age you’re ensuring that the generational wealth your uncle built and you’ve continued to care for stays within your family.
While I, as a mother, would never even dream of my kids not getting their fair share if something happened to my husband many widowed spouses aren’t so fair, especially when a new partner comes into the picture. It sounds like you’re looking out for your assets and willing them to be the ones that will benefit the most directly.” Littlelady0410
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Life and estate planning should be a couple of decisions. Is there a reason you got a will for yourself but didn’t think or talk about you and your wife writing wills up together? Do you see her as lesser than you or less important so you are taking care of #1, and she can figure things out on her own?
You seem smart enough from your post to know keeping personal inheritances separate while living and cutting your spouse out of a will unilaterally while still getting everything else from them. And maybe to you, that means nothing because they don’t have anything, but the principle of the matter does matter.
It comes down to communication. YTJ for not communicating. If you both communicated while drafting and came to an agreement or an impasse, that would be a different story.” User
5. AITJ For Sending A Message To My Husband's Coworker Using His Phone?
“I (22F) and my husband (24M) have been together for 9 years and married for about 5 months.
He has a coworker who has constantly overstepped boundaries and tried to flirt with him for almost a year now. She had gotten a little bit better since we got married, but not very much. He also works at a small job with only about 5-6 total employees that helps care for aminals.
Here is what happened this morning: This coworker has a streak with my husband on Snapchat and I’ve been noticing lately that she has been sending her streaks snapchat to him in inappropriate clothing. And before anyone asks, yes we have an open phone policy in our marriage.
We both have nothing to hide from each other and he definitely isn’t ‘hiding’ her. He lets me read their text messages and look at their snaps all the time.
HOWEVER, this morning I go to send his streaks for him because he always forgets and I like to keep our streak (I’m just weird like that).
And I open hers to see that she has sent him yet another streaks picture in even more inappropriate clothing. I was not cool with this at all. So I messaged her off his phone and said, ‘Hey I’m married. You have got to stop sending me those types of pictures’ to which she replied, ‘I sent that to all my streaks; it’s just a joke.’ I told my husband and he BLEW UP on me.
I understand I shouldn’t be texting people from his phone but he wasn’t mad about that.
He called me a jerk because I now interfered with his work and when he went in this morning, she was gonna make his whole day miserable. He told me she does this by giving him the grunt work that no one else wants to do, making him do it alone, and making everyone else not talk to him all day while on shift. (She isn’t his boss or anything, but she has been there longer and has seniority.
All of her friends also work at this place.) I personally think that’s got to be against some sort of HR policy because it smells like harassment to me. I just feel like I didn’t do anything wrong by setting a boundary with her that he is afraid to set because he is afraid of her retaliation at work.
However, I also understand where he is coming from not wanting me to interfere because he doesn’t want to make it awkward. But those snaps aren’t okay to send fully committed married men.
AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It’s understandable that you feel uncomfortable with the coworker’s behavior and that you wanted to set a boundary.
However, it’s not appropriate for you to text her from your husband’s phone without his permission, even if you were trying to help him by keeping him out of an uncomfortable situation.
Your husband’s reaction seems to be based on his fear of his coworker’s retaliation at work, which is understandable given the power dynamics at play.
It’s important to address the issue of harassment and the potential impact on his work environment. You could encourage your husband to document any instances of harassment or retaliation and to speak to his manager or HR representative about the situation.
It’s important to establish clear boundaries and expectations in any relationship, and it sounds like this situation has highlighted some areas where you and your husband may need to have further discussions.
You can both work together to find a solution that works for both of you and respects each other’s boundaries.” Real-Assumption
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Doesn’t matter what the context is. You don’t pretend to be someone else and send messages from them without their explicit permission.
Your husband is the victim here, not you. He’s being harassed by someone senior at work and she will make his life miserable because he reacted in a way she didn’t like. You went charging into the middle of a situation you didn’t understand and made his life that much harder.
I don’t like this usually but… If the genders were reversed there’d be a different response but for some reason, we like to think men can’t be victims or uncomfortable or harassed.” OrigamiCrocodile
Another User Comments:
“DEFINITELY NTJ. Girl, according to your history this has been going on for well over a year despite your maintaining that you are uncomfortable with this.
You need to establish HARD boundaries. No excuses from your husband. No one needs to maintain a constant semi-nude Snapchat streak or text their coworkers reassuring them they are pretty to maintain a cordial relationship at work, and if that is the case then it needs to be brought to the managers to escalate because it’s HARASSMENT.
If he refuses to do any of this, chances are he doesn’t actually mind the daily semi-nude he’s getting from her and you should be worried. Is he still looking for another job? Has he brought this up with the managers or owners of the company?
Does he realize that with the amount of evidence he has, if any retaliation WERE to happen, that could easily be brought to a lawsuit against the company?
The fact that he is so angry at YOU and not this other woman for harassing him and making you uncomfortable is very odd, SO many red flags.” flaminhotcheetoyo
Another User Comments:
“A streak can only be maintained, from what I understand, if both parties send messages to one another every day. So either he’s lying about only responding when it’s work-related, or he’s sending a generic response to every near-nude he receives. (Or they’re using Snapchat to talk about work stuff every single day, which is bonkers.
There should be a proper work chat/separation outside of work.) Either way, she’s either harassing him – and using her position to punish him at work – OR he’s being unfaithful to you, physically or emotionally or both, and no amount of helicopter social media-ing is going to save your relationship.
Everyone sucks here, I guess, but they both sound kind of awful, and you seem to be desperate to control the situation without confronting the awkward truth. For your own sake, think about how you’d want a loving partner to act, and ask yourself – if that’s the relationship you’re in?” RebelQueen13
4. AITJ For Making Only Two Schnitzels?
“I’m living with my partner, I’m in academia and usually work from home, she has an office job at the bank.
On Friday I was home and I got a text from her saying she would come home later than her usual 6 PM because it was raining cats and dogs. The office is 10min away from our place on foot, but there was a sudden strong storm and thunder, lightning, etc, and lots of people were stuck in the building.
I continued working on my very important stuff and made dinner. The pack had 4 schnitzels and I fried two of them and ate them. I didn’t see any point in frying more because they would have gotten cold by the time she came back.
She came home a little after 7 PM and she was very upset that I didn’t make her dinner and didn’t wash the frying pan so she could fry hers (I was still eating and I was gonna wash it afterward).
She ordered food for herself which took an hour to arrive, much longer than frying 2 schnitzels.
I asked her if I could take a bite too and she was so mad she didn’t allow me to.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
Next time just text her and ask if she wants you to make it or if she wants you to leave it for her so she can make it hot.
When you realized that you effed up you should have gotten up and quickly cleaned the pan and offered to make the other two. When she is already mad at you because you made dinner for yourself only, left a mess in the kitchen, and didn’t offer her anything, that is a very inappropriate time to then ask her to share the takeout she had to order because you effed up.
Take a hint. I don’t think YTJ but I do think you sound really clueless.” CalligrapherLow7113
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You admit she usually cooks so naturally she wouldn’t initiate communication about what you should or shouldn’t do for dinner because she assumed she’d be the one cooking when she finally got home.
You decide to take it upon yourself to not only not bother waiting for her to arrive home but to not even bother to check her ETA before you rudely only cooked for yourself.
She, the one who does most or all of the cooking, finally arrives home after a no doubt annoying delay and bad weather to find that her partner selfishly had dinner without her and didn’t bother to make her any (that she could easily have reheated when she got home), and didn’t bother communicating about any of it.
Then her partner has the audacity to ask for some of the food she waited an hour for after already being kicked in the teeth by her selfish partner.
Asperger’s does not excuse this jerk behavior.” Number-Eleven-11
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You didn’t know when she’d be back, so you ate without her, not expecting she’d be back in an hour (I assume since you didn’t mention her letting you know).
Makes sense. And I don’t think you did anything wrong in not washing the pan immediately. I do the same thing- I eat while the food is still hot and wash the pan afterward.
If you knew she was coming back so soon, it would’ve been nice to start her food in the ten minutes she was walking back.
But again, sounds like you didn’t know. And I think it’s entitled to expect your partner to get up in the middle of eating to wash/cook for you on demand. How hard is it to wash a pan and cook your own dinner? Seriously, it would’ve taken like five minutes to wash it.
But it seems like she was just kind of annoyed at having to stay at work later and took it out on you. It happens, people get frustrated at small things, you guys’ll be okay.” jaxcap
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You were making dinner anyway, so making the whole package would have been easy to do.
You knew she was going to be late because of the storm. You likely know – because you’re in academia – that it’s easy to reheat food. Making dinner so it’s ready when she gets home says ‘I love you, and I’m thinking of you.’ Guess what letting her fend for herself that late indicates?
Much more of this and I would leave you. Inconsiderate jerk.” No-Throat9567
3. AITJ For Invalidating My Brother-In-Law's Meltdowns?
“For as long as I’ve known my wife, her brother (we’ll call him Frank) has had mental health and substance issues.
He used to go out late at night with his friends, get hardly any sleep, and would randomly have mental breakdowns, which landed him in a mental hospital at least once, and has led to him getting fired from more than one job. Finally, about a year ago, Frank got the help he needed and appeared to be doing better.
He got a bipolar diagnosis and was prescribed medication. When he was on his medicine, Frank could function and even hold down a job. Problem is, he would stop taking his medicine. He would also drink/smoke heavily, both on and off his medication, which obviously didn’t help matters.
Fast forward to a few days ago, and we’d gotten word that Frank may be about to have another meltdown. My wife seemed upset, but I told her that it was his choice to stop taking the medication, and he knows that he needs to stay off liquor and other substances, yet he refuses to do so.
Personally, I don’t drink excessively or use illegal substances, and I think it shows a lack of character to do so. Frank still lives with my MIL at the moment, and she allows him to get away with horrible behavior. He doesn’t clean his room or the bathroom, is disrespectful, makes noise late at night, etc. I told my wife that the best thing her mom could do for him would be to kick Frank out, so that he is forced to take responsibility for himself, for once in his life.
My wife told me that I was being cruel and that her brother would end up homeless if he couldn’t live with my MIL. I told her that her mother is being weak and doesn’t want to be a parent and that if we ever had a child like that, he would be out of our house as soon as he failed out of college (which Frank also did).
My wife told me that I was being unfair and that Frank’s illness means that he’s going to have to live with her mother for the rest of his life, but I tried to calmly explain to my wife that I know people with bipolar disorder who can live independently and that she is simply making excuses for her screw-up of a brother.
Anyway, after I made that remark, my wife slammed the door of the bedroom shut and didn’t come out for several hours. She has also rejected any attempts that I’ve made to speak with her about the situation. I believe that she is in denial, cannot come to grips with her brother’s moral failings, and has instead decided to blame me.
I want our relationship to be what it used to be, but I simply refuse to play her childish and irrational games. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Mental illness is a serious issue that affects millions of people worldwide. Your comments show a lack of empathy and understanding toward your wife’s brother and his struggles.
Mental illness is not a choice, and it is not as simple as just ‘taking responsibility’ for oneself. It requires professional help and ongoing support. Your suggestion that your mother-in-law should kick her son out is also unhelpful and could potentially make his situation worse.
Furthermore, your comments about your potential future child failing out of college are insensitive and show a lack of support for anyone who may be struggling with academic issues. It is important to offer help and support to those who need it, not to shame or belittle them.
You need to apologize to your wife for your insensitive and judgmental comments and work to educate yourself about mental illness and substance issues. Your wife’s brother needs love, support, and understanding, not judgment and blame.” User
Another User Comments:
“Massive YTJ. Your lack of empathy is astounding.
Mental health is incredibly complex and no two people react the same even if they have the same diagnosis, drinking, etc could be due to trauma or other causes. Plus it is not a character flaw to do those things just because you choose not to do them.
You are not perfect, nor are you the pinnacle of mental wellness if your idea of a healthy relationship is one where mental illness is a weakness.
Your mother-in-law is 1000x the parent you will ever be, she is putting her child’s needs above her own through her love for him.
He is not a screw-up, he is suffering and fighting something much bigger than you could possibly understand. Imagine being unable to control your own body and mind, being forced to do things you don’t fully understand, and being powerless to stop it. No amount of bravado prepares you for a mental health crisis.
For you to say you would throw a child out who experiences this, you’ll be lucky if your marriage survives, since mental illnesses are usually inherited. I apologize for being harsh but I feel you need a wake-up call for the sake of yourself, your wife, and potential future children.
If someone told you these things then I’m sorry they’re wrong, mental illness doesn’t make someone a screw-up or unworthy of love. But cruelty towards others leaves holes that are not easily repaired.” Confused_Squish
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. What ‘childish and irrational’ games is your wife asking you to play?
It doesn’t sound like you are being asked to do anything apart from hearing about the problem. This brother doesn’t live with you and I’m assuming you would have mentioned if your wife spends money on him. You also seem to fundamentally misunderstand mental illness.
Your attitude is, ‘Don’t use illegal stuff, get a job, work hard, be a good person, be independent’ – well yeah, all that sounds great and the brother could do that, but the whole idea behind mental illness is that the person has to fight with their own head before they even get to step one and on every step of the way.
You can both believe the brother is causing many of his own problems and you can have compassion.” RealWanderingWizard
2. AITJ For Expecting My Maid Of Honor To Do More?
“I’m getting married later this year to my amazing fiancé. When choosing the bridal party, I was a bit conflicted about who should be my maid of honor.
I have one sister who I love dearly, but she is significantly younger than me. I thought the maid of honor responsibilities might be overwhelming for her because she has not been to many weddings yet and only and a handful of her friends have gotten married. I thought my best friend may be the better maid of honor choice because she’s been a bridesmaid several times and she has a knack for planning and keeping people in check.
I talked about my feelings of conflict with my mom, who made it abundantly clear she felt my sister was the only choice for maid of honor. My mom even said she would help her with planning since I was worried about it. I made several chats with the bridal party and both moms so everyone had each other’s contact info and told my sister to reach out to the bridesmaids to help plan things if she was feeling overwhelmed.
Months have now gone by, and I recently got a call from my best friend letting me know she’s a little worried about how things are going. Apparently, my sister didn’t realize that the maid of honor is responsible for planning the bachelorette, shower, and essentially being my point person on the day of the wedding.
It’s gotten to the point where trying to talk to my sister about the wedding stuff she should be working on hurts my feelings because ‘I’m too hard to please’ or ‘won’t be happy no matter what.’ I don’t want to hurt my sister’s feelings by demoting her to bridesmaid, so I talked to my mom about what’s been going on to see if she could maybe step in and help my sister out.
Rather than seeing how much additional stress this is causing me, my mom agreed with my sister’s general sentiment which is that I’m difficult to please and change my mind too much. My mom also told me she didn’t feel like it was fair for me to expect so much of my sister.
I reminded her that this is what you sign up for when you agree to be someone’s maid of honor, and my mom told me that ‘maid of honor’ is just a title and that it’s ultimately my wedding to plan. AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You are responsible for communicating YOUR expectations as a bride.
‘Apparently, my sister didn’t realize that the maid of honor is responsible for planning the bachelorette, shower, and essentially being my point person on the day of the wedding.’
These things are not automatic. Not every wedding includes these things, and not every bride expects this from a maid of honor. You still need to communicate and ASK people to handle these things. Your bridal party is not a staff that you can assign tasks to – they are your friends and family, and their role in the wedding doesn’t change that.
You still need to respect their time and effort as you would normally – meaning the asks need to be actual asks, not veiled instructions.” thirdtryisthecharm
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Invite those who are close to you for the important role of standing up for you at your wedding.
It’s not a job. It’s a ceremonial position.
Maid of honor or bridesmaid – their obligation is to buy a dress or outfit of your choosing and wear it. Be available for the day of the wedding, the rehearsal the night before, and the morning after.
Moms can throw showers. Friends can throw showers. Aunts can throw showers. If you have a general idea talk to your mom and sister.
For Bachelorette – if that’s what you want then talk to your mom and sister and see if they had plans or tell your friends nothing is planned and if they want to throw one or not.
As to being a point person on the wedding day? If that’s what you want then hire a professional and pay them.
Maids of honors aren’t workers. They are there to provide emotional support and love and celebrate with you. They are not party planners.
They aren’t wedding coordinators.” superfastmomma
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your mom is correct. It’s your wedding and if you want it to be a specific way you should make the arrangements. What you’re expecting from your sister/maid of honor should be the responsibility of you or your wedding planner.
Why didn’t you talk with your sister about the responsibilities you expected from her before asking her to be your maid of honor? I would never expect these responsibilities if asked to be maid of honor. It’s just the ‘head bridesmaid’ title and maybe a little extra help if asked. Sometimes the maid of honor brings silly stuff to the bachelorette party, but it’s not automatically their responsibility to plan it if they take the title.” N2OCoffee
I've read a lot of these posts. It's not the bride who plans unless she is the bridezilla. Does OP have to become bridezilla to get a Bachelorette party? The bratty sis IS too young, immature and incapable.of being a Maid of Honor. I recommend that you sit her down and tell her that she can be a bridesmaid ( as long as she doesn't complain) and ask your best friend to take over as bridesmaid. Mom needs to stay out of this. She has not helped.
1. AITJ For Ignoring Hints?
“My (34f) friend (29f) had booked a flight for a holiday a while back. For the last couple of months, she has repeatedly been dropping hints about me giving her a lift to the airport.
I hate people hinting at things. If they want something from me or want me to do something, then I believe they should ask outright. I tend to completely ignore it when people hint at something. I’m not great at reading social cues, which is part of the reason I hate hints.
I often get mixed up when hints aren’t very clear. Although, in this case, the hints were fairly obvious.
So I ignored her hints and waited for her to ask for a lift properly. Had she actually done that, I would have given her the lift. But she waited until yesterday to finally ask, and her flight is on Wednesday.
Last week, I made plans to help out another friend on that day, so I am not available to give her the lift.
She wasn’t happy when she found out.
When she complained about it, I said that maybe if she had asked me properly instead of hinting, I wouldn’t have had other plans.
She said that because we were friends, she expected me to offer when she hinted and not ignore it. I now kind of feel I might have been a bit nasty by saying that.
She knows very well that I don’t respond well to hints but thinks I’m being a jerk about it.
She has spoken to other friends and her sister, who all seen to think that my ignoring her hints was petty and passive-aggressive and that not offering to give her a lift showed that I was a bad friend.
Now I’m wondering if I have behaved inappropriately, and if I really did mess up in this situation, both in ignoring the hints and outright telling her that I ignored them.
Especially now, the two-hour drive to the airport will take her twice as long by train, because she can’t get a train directly to the airport and has to switch trains twice. Also, it will cost her significantly more for the train fare than it would have been to put fuel in my car.
Right now, I’m unsure if I should apologize and am kind of mixed up, and don’t know if I am being a jerk. I’d really appreciate some outside opinions about whether I did behave inappropriately over this whole situation.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t usually get hints either and quite frankly it becomes a problem in my relationship sometimes.
You’re not a mind reader and as an adult, your friend should’ve asked you outright that way you could’ve made plans to take her early on or declined sooner. And also as an adult, your friend should’ve had a backup plan from the beginning!
Being friends/family/etc doesn’t mean she can just simply throw hints. When you don’t tell someone outright what you want, you run the risk of them never fulfilling that. So she should be disappointed in herself.” Devegas49
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You’re NTJ for having plans and being busy. She never directly asked you. As such, you don’t owe her anything. At the same time, YTJ because you knew full well what she wanted and played dumb. You could have very easily and simply said ‘Look, I’m not playing the hinting game anymore.
You want something? Say it. Otherwise, if you aren’t being direct I’m not going to respond to your hints.’
She’s NTJ because you two are close friends and have relied on each other. It’s totally normal to think you’re friend will help you out.
At the same time, she’s the jerk for expecting you to help rather than asking, and especially the jerk for talking trash about you to your family. She knows you hate hints yet she deliberately avoided asking directly until it was too late.
Overall, 60-40 split with her being worse, but quite frankly you both handled this quite poorly.” EpicIrishman
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – You knew it was going to happen. She was going to want a ride to the airport. You specifically made plans anyways despite literally being okay with helping her because you wanted to be petty and force her to ask for a thing.
If you feel like she should have to ask for something instead of hinting then just tell her that instead of letting the situation explode on her. Your saying you don’t get hints and her knowing you don’t get hints are you coping with being a jerk because she clearly made them obvious enough for you to know.
I don’t love her behavior and I get where you’re coming from but be the mature person and just say ‘Hey did you want the ride to the airport? Cool. Hey, next time just ask me for the things you want, I don’t really like how you’re doing this thing of hinting at things’.” Carosion
Another User Comments:
“Everything is passive here. Hints are passive and annoying. Your not responding to hints is passive and annoying
For someone who doesn’t like hints, you give them A LOT with your premeditated in-action towards hints. If they are annoying be straightforward and reply—’ARE YOU ASKING FOR A RIDE?’ Say ‘YOU KNOW I don’t understand hints—what do you want’.
And yes your friend could have just asked. If they’re ‘afraid to ask’ that’s on them if you don’t have a history of going off yeh handle when you’re asked to help. She’s fabricating crap in her mind and applying history with other people that don’t apply to do.
At your ages, it’s time to stop expecting people to read your minds. Unfortunately, you both act in passive ways and expect people to read your minds. People no longer need to ask ‘Why’s this a stereotype/trope’.
Everyone sucks here.” PettyHonestThrowaway
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