People Seek Consolation Regarding Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
22. AITJ For Cutting My Sister Off?
“Back in 2021, I became pregnant with our first child. My sister, aunt, and mother-in-law offered to help me plan my baby shower, and I took them up on their offer.
After a few days, my sister texted me that she was furious she wasn’t planning the shower alone and how basically she hated all of my ideas.
‘As the mom you shouldn’t be helping…’ ‘Why are you inviting men?’ ‘Why can’t we throw it at my house’. All of it turned into a big fuss because supposedly I’m simply doing all of this because I hate her. At the time that’s not really how I felt.
Other people offered to help so I said that was okay I didn’t see the big deal. It’s a family event to celebrate a new member. But I guess in my sister’s eyes it was her day to shine.
Anyway, the baby shower ended up not happening as my baby passed away right after we sent out the invites.
At that point, my sister only texted me twice and I never heard from her again. She didn’t come to see me, no phone calls, no texts, nothing. She didn’t even ask how I was just asked in her one text if there would be a funeral.
A month later was her birthday. Still messaged her to wish her a happy birthday, but no reply. I don’t hear from her for six months.
By that point, I said I was done with her. This kind of behavior is not a one-time thing and I decided I didn’t need this in my life anymore didn’t matter that she was family.
I became pregnant again with our son, and my family kept badgering me to make amends with my sister. I told them no, to please stay out of it and respect my wishes. Of course, she finds out and is furious I never told her I was pregnant again.
I don’t care because we no longer have a relationship. But she is still mad about my previous child’s baby shower and that I deeply hurt her feelings and ‘everyone agrees that as she was my sister she should have been the sole planner’.
It’s nonsense. I know no one else really cared.
My family still thinks it’s a shame she hasn’t met her nephew but I feel like she made her choice to behave the way she does and now has to deal with the consequences.
So, AITJ for not letting her plan the shower by herself? AITJ for deciding I don’t need a narcissistic liar in my life? AITJ for not letting her meet my son?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – definitely not!
You’ve done the right thing going no contact with your very selfish sister! She made your baby shower about her then ghosted you when you lost your baby which was a time when you really needed her, then she still only thinks about herself when you get pregnant and have your son and is still angry over the baby shower she didn’t get to plan!…
Jeees! She sounds like an absolute nightmare!
You lost a child and she can only think of herself! Don’t even entertain the idea of being the jerk here because you’re ridiculously so far away from being one, but your sister holds the gold medal for being one.” West-Kaleidoscope129
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You lost a child and all your family seems to care about is smoothing over your sister’s hurt feelings over a shower that didn’t happen. This is totally jacked up. First, your sister sounds like she needs therapy. Her reaction to planning a baby shower is just over the top.
She offered nothing to you when you lost your child! No support, no shoulder to cry on, NOTHING. You owe her NOTHING. And she has the nerve to be mad that you didn’t go running to her when pregnant again? Oh God no.” SatelliteBeach123
Another User Comments:
“Congratulations on your healthy rainbow!
NTJ and absolutely not, your sister is a massive jerk and also, a narcissist, and the family members are her flying monkeys.
She didn’t want to be there for you when you needed her and only wanted to make use of you to boost her own ego. Please keep her far away from your son as there will be no genuine love and he will live a much happier life without her presence. All the best and I’m sorry for your loss. Please don’t back down on this! You will definitely regret it. NTJ NTJ NTJ NTJ NTJ” khnumoi
21. AITJ For Convincing My Vegan Daughter To Compromise For Her Sister's Birthday?
“I have 3 children (Gabe 16F, 14M, and Leah 7F). Gabe decided to go vegan 4 months ago and it’s been a pretty rough transition, everyone eats meat for every meal and I’ve had to make adjustments for her.
Some points to explain: On birthdays, the person chooses the restaurant for everyone to go to that Day; Leah idolizes Gabe, she is very attached and sees her sister as a hero; Leah always accepts Gabe’s vegan experiences just to have moments with her.
For Gabe’s birthday, she chose a vegan restaurant and honestly, only my husband enjoyed the experience. Leah hated every moment of the experience (she told me later), but she ate it all just to make Gabe happy.
Monday was Leah’s birthday and she chose a steak house.
Gabe came to talk to me about it and that she wouldn’t feel comfortable in that place. She said she wouldn’t go to the restaurant and asked if I could help.
I tried to propose that we go to a vegan restaurant to get something for her, but that didn’t seem to convince her.
So I was sincere, saying that she could commit one day to someone who loves her so much and is always willing to eat vegan things with her, but if that was her decision, Leah would be heartbroken if she didn’t go and that I don’t know if I could improve the situation, to be honest.
She ended up agreeing to go and I bought her a vegan meal.
Yesterday she was distant with me and when I asked her to talk to me, she said that I was almost emotionally blackmailing her by saying all those things and that she was feeling bad, she went because of this.
I really was sincere about the situation, but maybe I overstepped the line.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Make this really simple and allow the oldest to not attend birthday dinners with the understanding that no one will be expected to attend her birthday dinners either.
They will be invited, but not forced to go and celebrate.
She is also 16 and can start making her own meals instead of you having to make adjustments for her. You are not a short-order cook. You can support her choice to eat a vegan diet without having to do all of the work.
You went out and got her a separate meal. All she had to do was celebrate with her little sister.” sheramom4
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and that is NOT emotional blackmail! That is a COMPROMISE so that your FAMILY can celebrate another FAMILY member’s special day.
She needs to look up the ACTUAL DEFINITION of emotional blackmail. Leah COMPROMISED and ate all the vegan food to support her sister, but Gabe can’t go to a steak restaurant and just does not eat meat in order to support her sister.
I mean she DID GO, but she is being a dramatic teen by accusing you of emotional blackmail.
In families, WE ALL NEED TO COMPROMISE and find a balance, so that EVERYONE gets fair treatment. If someone doesn’t like that restaurant’s food for WHATEVER reason, they can STILL BE THERE FOR THEIR FAMILY member to HONOR and CELEBRATE their special day.
They get THEIR CHOICE, so why wouldn’t another family member ALSO get their choice? You can’t have one person dictate EVERY SINGLE OUTING simply because there is something they dislike about it. Then that one person is NOT BEING FAIR and RESPECTFUL to ALL the family, and that is wrong.” SageGreen98
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She is 16, her sister is 7.
As she grows into adulthood she will begin to understand that we often make sacrifices and engage in activities we don’t enjoy for the sake of children’s happiness, especially on their birthdays just as you have done for her on each of her birthdays (god I hate Chuckie cheese, McDonald’s, and Noodles and company!).
She can make this sacrifice for her sister and if she didn’t she should have felt guilty. She didn’t have to eat the food there as you accommodated her dietary preferences. Sixteen-year-old girls are often jerks, especially to their moms and younger sisters. Hopefully, she will grow out of it but you did right and this is a step toward young adulthood. Hold your ground.” FlatSound4435
20. AITJ For Going Off At My Sister For Joking About My Cooking?
“I’m (19f) a horrible cook. And it’s not something I’m proud of, but no one’s business as I can survive cooking the basics, and my SO doesn’t mind cooking for me.
Last Sunday, my mum invited all of us (me, my SO, my brother, my sister, and her husband) for dinner.
It’s something we usually do every month to catch up.
My mum would usually make us help with the cooking, like cutting vegetables, washing dishes, etc. I don’t mind this cause I genuinely enjoy family time.
My BIL is a massive misogynistic jerk who thinks women belong in the kitchen.
So he always comes up with an excuse to avoid helping my mum in the kitchen.
This time my mum gave me the task of cutting the vegetables. I told her my SO had been teaching me to cut vegetables properly, so she wanted to see my progress.
I obviously wasn’t good enough cause I was still learning, but my sister laughed, saying, this is horrible, and no one will eat ugly chopped lady fingers. My BIL chimed in, saying how my SO is going to dump me cause I’m no wife material.
My sister ‘jokingly’ (she claimed it was a joke) told my SO to get someone who can cook well cause if not, he’s going to end up coming home with horrible food. My SO said he doesn’t expect me to cook as he can do it for us, but my BIL said I would be a horrendous stay-at-home mom if I let him do all the job.
By this time, I was already seeing red, and my brother raised his voice at my sister to tone it down. But she went on and on. I snapped at her and said not everyone wants to be a college dropout and stay-at-home mom like you and told my BIL to wash his own socks and undergarments first before talking.
They got humiliated, but my dad kind of calmed everyone down, and I left to go to my room with my SO.
The dinner was awkward, and soon everyone left. My sister sent me a whole paragraph the next day telling me to apologize to my BIL because my comment hurt him and made him look like a tool in front of my parents.
I told her to shut up. Everyone’s on my side, except my mum. She thinks I should apologize to avoid unnecessary drama.
I want a non-biased opinion. I would apologize if I were the jerk. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your mom is enabling your sister and BIL and wants what’s easier for her.
Your sister could be in an abusive relationship. There are different types of mistreatment including financial. Perhaps your BIL wants to control your sister by not letting her have a job and her own funds… next thing you know she’s tied to him as a mother to his several children and being very controlled and life isn’t as peachy as she might show the rest of the world.” KitchenDismal9258
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Don’t talk smack if you can’t handle someone throwing it back at you. Your sister and BIL were giant gaping jerks. So what if you aren’t the best cook in the world, you and your SO are doing what is best for the two of you.
You are trying to learn and your SO is what I assume happily teaching you. Your BIL needs to get over himself. Girl you do you! and do not apologize to him! Your sister and BIL are the ones who should be apologizing to both you and your SO as well as your parents and brother for their childish and inappropriate behavior at the family dinner.” Thiccckthighs87
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and don’t you dare apologize.
If anything, your sister and BiL are the ones who should apologize for bullying you. You know you’re not a great cook but you’re making genuine efforts to improve and that’s remarkable. Keep going at it! If BiL felt humiliated it’s because he knows he was wrong and now they’re gaslighting you by trying to make it sound like it’s your fault.
I’m pleased to read that you have a supportive partner and brother. Your mom is a people pleaser but she knows you were right, she just doesn’t have it in herself to be confrontational. I hope she’ll choose to work on that.” MyReditName_1
19. AITJ For Getting The Wedding Dress That I Like?
“My future SIL (FSIL) works in the wedding industry. Using her connections she can get some wedding dresses at an insane discount and others for ‘free’. By ‘free’ I mean that her company will buy the dress for her and then they will sort out getting paid back later.
I got engaged a couple of months ago and recently decided it was time to get my dress. My husband-to-be (HTB) told me about his sister and said that since my FSIL is going to see my dress before the wedding day anyway, I might as well get it for a discount.
I agreed that we should try and save funds where we can. I also liked not worrying about a budget(to a certain degree, no $20,000 dresses for me).
My mom and I went shopping and we found ‘The One’ at the first store we were at.
We went to a second, third, and fourth store to try on all their dresses to make sure I still liked ‘The One’.
At the end of the day, my mom told me that my dad always dreamed of paying for my dress.
She encouraged me to buy the dress right away and so I did. I went home that night and told my HTB about finding my dress and he was not happy. He was a little upset but mostly disappointed. He said that instead of my parents helping to buy something we want(flowers, a photographer, etc) they essentially wasted funds on the dress.
It ruined the moment and I’m upset that when I look back at this moment I’ll remember him being upset and not me finding my wedding dress.
Am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your father earmarked funds for your wedding dress, under the assumption he would pay full price and with no knowledge of a discount.
If there had been no discount possible, he was prepared to pay the full price of a wedding dress.
You didn’t ‘waste your father’s funds.’ And it sounds like even if he paid a discount price, the rest saved wouldn’t necessarily go toward other expenses.
I get the impression your dad wanted to do something for your wedding FOR YOU. Not contribute to flowers that would die in two days or food guests would forget in a week. His investment in the wedding was the dress you would wear and, presumably, keep.
You accepted a gift from your father, meant FOR YOU, not for you and your fiance. If, in the midst of having a special moment with your mother, you decided not to involve FSIL, that was your choice as an adult.
If you really feel bad, give your father some funds toward what he paid.
But it’s not really anyone else’s business what your father contributes. If he wanted to spend it somewhere else, he would have offered you something when you started planning the wedding.
Unless your father said ‘Hey, future son-in-law, here’s $5000 toward a dress and you get to spend the rest’ your fiancé doesn’t really get a say here. You didn’t spend ‘marital funds,’ you accepted a personal gift without the potential strings a discount from FSIL might have felt like it had.” MNKnightley
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
I don’t know, it just doesn’t make sense to me when you could have your dress, your dad could pay for it, and you could get a discount? You and your mom just didn’t want to wait a day to call your dad and sister-in-law and get things in order so it all could work, you wasted your dad’s funds.
I’d feel ashamed if I could get something cheaper but made my dad pay full price no matter how excited He can be excited about buying your dress That doesn’t mean the discount wouldn’t be really nice and appreciated.” Ivyann230
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your dad was saving up for your dress, from him, as a sentimental gesture to start your new life. He would not have felt the same if it were from him AND someone else. Cost means very little on a gesture like this so a small savings would not have mattered to him.
(I am saying this as a parent of marriage-aged children.) Your mother probably knew that. There is no promise of your dad using those funds for anything else because that’s not what he saved for.
Your husband is wrong for assuming your dad was just going to give him whatever he may have saved with the discount his sister MIGHT have gotten.
The fact that your future husband got mad about a sentimental gift from father to daughter and instead was counting coins he felt he could have received for other things instead is a problem. The fact he was angry at you for something your father gave you is an issue. I don’t see why he would care so much about funds that was not and never would be his when it’s going to supposedly be the love of his life.” Standard_Mistake_883
18. AITJ For Being Mad At My Sister For Using Our Lost Baby's Name?
“I (30M) have a sister ‘Layla’ (28F). Both I and Layla are married, I to ‘Pam’ (29F) and Layla to ‘Greg’ (30M). I and my sister had a grandma who sadly passed away when we were in high school. Since we are both married and both plan on having kids, the topic of names came up and we both said we wanted to name a child after our grandma, let’s say her name was Victoria.
We didn’t really fight about this per se and just agreed whoever had a daughter first could use the name.
About a year ago Pam got pregnant which was very exciting. We found out it was a girl and did a gender reveal where we announced we were going to use the name Victoria.
My sister was not upset about this and jokingly said something along the lines of ‘you beat me to the punch’. A few weeks after this my sister announced that she was pregnant.
Sadly, late into the pregnancy Pam miscarried and lost the baby.
This was incredibly difficult on us and Pam suffered especially badly, both physically and mentally. My family has been there to support us but we have asked Layla to give us some space as seeing her pregnant is a lot for us at this time.
While she was upset about this, she understood.
Recently, my parents threw my sister a gender reveal party similar to the one we had for Pam. My Mom convinced me and Pam to go and we felt we were in a good spot to go.
We get to the party and all is great until we get to the gender/name reveal. The way it was going to work was Greg’s family was inside the garage holding a banner that would be pink or blue and say the baby’s name.
When the garage opened me and my wife were shocked to see a banner that said ‘Welcome baby Victoria Greg’s last name’. I asked my sister what’s happening and she said since we weren’t using the name it’s only fair she should get to.
My wife started sobbing and I took her to my car but not before telling my sister she is an evil human being who doesn’t deserve to be a mother.
Now my Mom is mad at me because Layla also has a high-risk pregnancy and this was very stressful for her.
Most of my family is saying I should apologize for what I said. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I’m definitely going to say you are NTJ, what your sister did was definitely horrible, but has she actually experienced losing a child? She probably doesn’t understand the feeling.
I don’t think you should have gone to begin with honestly.
‘My Mom convinced me and Pam to go and we felt we were in a good spot to go.’
Did your mom know what your sister was going to do? If so it’s clear who is the favorite.
The fact that your mom is angry to me seems like she doesn’t really care about your loss.
I would ask your sister if Pam did manage to give birth but V died as a toddler if your sister would have named the next daughter she had Victoria.
Your baby may not have seen the world but she was real. She was there. She was loved.
I would stop talking to any family members that are mad at you for a while. None of them really cared about your loss.
I’m sorry for your loss. I wish you the best regards for your’s and Pam’s future.” Puzzleheaded_Chip916
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, though ‘you don’t deserve to be a mother’ was a bit harsh. Your daughter is named ‘Victoria,’ and sis should realize that she isn’t ‘using an unused name’ but naming her daughter the name of her dead cousin.
While, technically, she has every right to do that, it’s morbid and sad and it will mean that their daughter will never have a good relationship with you and Pam and any future cousins she may have.” Constellation-88
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – no one can claim a name, but this is pretty awful.
While there is also no issue with cousins sharing a treasured family member’s name – your sister has no compassion.
Your little Victoria has only just been lost. She was a proper little baby that did not get to join us in this world.
If using the name was that important to her she could have pulled you both aside for a quiet discussion on why and warned you to avoid the baby shower.
Instead, she made it all about herself and screw anyone else’s feelings.” Fianna9
17. AITJ For Missing My Daughter's Graduation But Coming To My Son's?
“I (43f) have two children, my daughter May is 21 and my son Luke is 17. May’s father and I split shortly after she was born, and I met my now husband when she was about a year old. Due to work and life circumstances, May primarily stayed with her father but visited us on the weekends when she was younger.
She’s an incredibly bright girl, she has an AA, she’s about to graduate with her BA, and she’s been accepted into a Master’s program that starts in the fall. I’m so proud of her, I can’t say that enough.
My son Luke is graduating from high school this year, and I found out that his graduation is a few days after my daughter’s.
We don’t live very close by anymore, so it would be back-and-forth flights which just doesn’t feel practical. Since May is getting another degree, I’ve told her that I’ll attend her next graduation, but this time I’m just going to attend her brother’s since graduating high school is such a big step.
May seemed a little upset at first but she told me it was fine and that she understood. My ex called me later and told me that I wasn’t considering May’s feelings in the slightest. Her HS graduation in 2020 was canceled due to the global crisis, then her ceremony for her AA was through online for the same reason, so now that she’s finally having one, my not going has really hurt her.
I told my ex that I’d go to her next one and that it was not fair that I just don’t show up for her brother. He says that it’s more than possible for me to come to see her graduate and then fly back in time to see my son do the same.
My thing is that yes, it’s possible, but it isn’t practical.
May told me herself that she is a little upset about it, which is why she vented to her dad, but she apologized for making it an issue.
I don’t know how to feel about this now.
Am I being a jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ!
Your ex is right you don’t care about her feelings. You’ve missed TWO of her ceremonies now technically. You’ve also proven to your daughter where she stands in your life and it shows you care more about your son than her.
That’s why she’s apologizing for your decision because she feels let down by her own mother. High school means nothing in the long run, and your daughter is a superstar.” ALM666
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Massive one at that. Jesus, it’s ‘possible but not practical?’ WHO CARES.
You have two kids, not one kid, and an estranged relative. Act like it, for Christ’s sake. Your daughter already missed out on even having a high school graduation. Who’s to say college graduation isn’t just as important?
Actually, why are you even prioritizing one of your kids? Your son is graduating high school a few days after her graduation? JUST GO TO BOTH.
Suck it up, put in the effort, and support her. She’s your DAUGHTER. If you’re so proud of her, actually BE there for her instead of blowing off one of the most momentous days of her life.” ecliptica76
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, 100%.
Your story states that your son will be graduating ‘a few days after’ your daughter. This means that it’s possible for you to attend both. You say it’s not ‘practical’ to do both, apparently due to your dislike for ‘back to back flights,’ but you never said it’s impossible.
It is possible. You’re just choosing not to.
Hate to break it to you, but you owe it to both of your children to be there for both of them on their graduation day. Especially since apparently they both want your support.
You don’t get to pick one over the other simply because that’s what’s ‘practical’ for you.
Also, your excuse about your daughter having additional graduation in the future is nonsense. Are you telling me that your son isn’t also going to have college graduation in the future? I suppose it’s possible, but I suspect that’s not the case.
Stop playing favorites with your children.” lyr4527
16. AITJ For Asking My Partner Not To Bring Anything With Peanuts Into The House?
“I am extremely allergic to peanuts, so much so that ingesting even small amounts causes an anaphylactic shock. Now my partner and I are currently in the process of moving together and one of the topics that has come up every now and again is my peanut allergy.
She puts peanut butter on her porridge every morning, I have asked her not to do this but I didn’t consider it fair for me to forbid her from eating peanuts, especially in her own home.
However now that we are moving in together I have asked her to stop using peanut products entirety as even small amounts of peanuts could kill me if I don’t react fast enough.
She said that I don’t have to eat it and she would use a separate bowl and spoon, but I still feel that this increases my risk of getting an anaphylactic shock substantially, as accidents do happen. She turned it around and asked me not to eat sweets because she has been trying to stay away from sugar, however, I don’t think that these two things are comparable because sweets don’t pose a threat to her.
Now she is mad and feels like I’m trying to impose rules on her, and I cannot help but wonder AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Anaphylaxis and dieting are NOT comparable. We are talking about her lack of willpower vs your death if there’s accidental exposure.
Honestly, this would be a dealbreaker for me if I were you. I call peanut butter my fat girl’s happy food, but I’d give it up in a heartbeat if my SO was deathly allergic. The fact that she won’t consider it and is using a ridiculous comparison is a HUGE red flag.” WaywardMarauder
Another User Comments:
“Pretty obvious here that you are NTJ.
I’d like to think that this is an education problem, that she doesn’t fully appreciate how serious your allergy is, despite you telling her that you could literally die. For some reason, a lot of people struggle to grasp this concept and the level of risk.
Considering she compared a life-threatening allergy to her diet she seems to fall into this camp.
However, if you can’t educate her, remove her from the equation. You deserve somebody who won’t risk killing you because they like eating peanut butter and either can’t understand the risk or worse, doesn’t care.
Also, an alternative without peanuts probably exists.” Akagikin
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She needs to realize the actual and serious danger she puts you in. You are not imposing rules on her because you like it and this is not a tit-for-tat situation.
Peanut butter can literally kill you and she refuses to remove it from your new home because she likes the taste of it.
It’s completely unreasonable.
Her even comparing this to you eating sweets is an absolute joke. Is she 12 and fails to realize what death is? No, it is not comparable in any dimension. It’s comparable to asking her to sit in the car without seatbelts while you drive under the influence.
It’s comparable to having a cobra in your living room that’s ‘alright, he doesn’t bite’. She is throwing dice with your life and it would literally be manslaughter if she recklessly cause your death. The seriousness of this cannot be understated and I think even you are too relaxed on this.
Cross-contamination is so easy if you use the same kitchen. It only takes one morning of not wiping off the cutting board or not washing the spoon properly.
She will have to come to terms with peanuts not being a part of your home, and there are no demanding favors in return. If not, you cannot be safe in that home.” Danternas
15. AITJ For Not Letting My Daughters Miss Their Exam?
“I (m41) have twin daughters (f16). 1 year ago today my wife and the girl’s mom passed away. About a month ago my daughters started saying how hard it’s going to be going to school on the anniversary of their mom’s passing.
I told them as long as they have nothing major going on like a test or big assignment due they can miss school and be able to grieve at home and take a mental health day.
Well, it was all planned for them to stay home today until 2 nights ago a few of their friends were over and their friends were talking about how they are not looking forward to the AP chem exam on Wednesday.
I looked at my calendar and realized that was the 19th. I told the girls after their friends left since they have the chem exam they can’t miss school and I’ll let them miss it on Thursday. The girls tried explaining it was no big deal and that they can make it up after school.
I told them I prefer if they don’t miss if they have something major going on. I made them go to school today and they didn’t talk to me all morning. I called my brother about it and he called me a jerk because it has been only a year since their mom passed, So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Not crazy about saying this to a widower but YTJ.
Missing a single day on the anniversary of a parent’s death that occurred so early in their lives sounds quite reasonable. They clearly and proactively communicated their desire to do so, and it sounds like they had also made arrangements to make up any missed work, here, the exam.
You may very well prefer that they don’t miss anything major, but it’s not surprising that you completely giving your own preference priority over their feelings about something so emotional was quite hurtful to them.
Of course, not every reaction to grief can be practically accommodated.
If the time off were excessive, the thing they were missing was critical and truly not able to be made up, or they didn’t have any regard for arranging a make-up exam, etc, those scenarios might require pushback. But here, their plans for grieving and observing their mother’s death were eminently reasonable.” lonedroan
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
A teenager losing their mother is one of the worst things that could happen to them at that age. Just as they’re coming into their own, the person who has provided them guidance, love, security, stability, etc. is suddenly gone. Forever.
In no world is a chemistry test more important than giving your daughters the proper space to grieve the loss of their mother.
Man, you’re coming across as heartless OP. I hope you apologize to them immediately. Grief is a hard territory to navigate no doubt, but you missed the mark big time on this one.” SnooHabits6942
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but I feel like your priorities weren’t in the right place. You weren’t letting your daughters grieve in the way they needed to, and you made it seem like something that was able to be rescheduled was more important than they were. Everyone grieves differently, and there’s no timeline for when you learn to live with it. Please take their grief into consideration if you’re faced with something like this again.” Sugarnova69
14. AITJ For Not Wanting Guests?
“I’m 25 and single. I and my long-term partner split a few months ago just before we found out I was pregnant. I’m now 4.5 months pregnant. I’ve never been particularly sociable unless I am wasted. I love my alone time.
I live with my cat, and we get by just fine. Recently I have been ill. My recovery is ongoing and I’m still having issues with my chest, I’m on sick leave and under the doctor’s orders to rest. I’ve never been so tired.
Over the past few days, I’ve had a lot of family members try to organize coming over to my house, even though I’ve told them I am busy this week doing a uni assignment and focusing on getting better. I said I will make plans for when I don’t have such a busy week, but it feels like nobody takes no for an answer.
I get replies such as ‘We won’t stay long!’ or ‘You can take a study break!’.
My issue is I’m finding it difficult to concentrate on my studies, being ill and pregnant makes me feel like I have 5 brain cells bouncing around.
When I get into study mode I really don’t want to be disturbed.
Today I got a call from some family members who I’ve previously told ‘not this week’. They were in the car and wanted to drop by in 5 mins’ time.
I immediately sort of panicked and almost said yes as I felt rude. Then I stood my ground and said no I’m sorry guys but I’ve already explained this week doesn’t work for me. They said they had a surprise for the baby and said we won’t stay long, and I firmly said please guys, I’ve said no, I’ll speak to you tomorrow and hung up.
I understand my situation means people worry about me, but I feel like I’m explaining my reasons to people and it’s still not good enough and I’m made to feel guilty. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – keep doing what you’re doing with boundaries.
When people call, let them know it’s not a good time, you’re taking a nap/bath/whatever, and you’ll call them later to set up a time that’s good for you. Use a peephole (or get a camera doorbell) and don’t answer the door if they stop by anyways.
Do NOT feel guilty. They are boundary stomping. Yes, they have good intentions, but that doesn’t give them permission to do anything they want anytime they want to.” DisneyBuckeye
Another User Comments:
“I’m going with ‘no jerks here’. You’re entitled to manage your pregnancy how you want.
People are also allowed to care about you and I have a feeling a lot of the folks who are reaching out just want to check in and make sure you’re actually okay. You’ve just been through a breakup, you’re sick and you’re pregnant.
It’s totally normal people want to be able to make sure someone they care about is alright.” ariesgal11
Another User Comments:
“You have so much going on and you have clearly stated so. Their desire to see you is well-intentioned but you are not obligated to push beyond your means to appease them.
Keeping in contact via phone is all you can manage right now, that’s ok.
Everyone shouts the importance of mothers taking care of themselves but then it’s this constant ‘no not like that’ mentality. Do what you need right now, pregnancy is extremely hard never mind illness and outside stressors. NTJ” EquipmentNo5776
13. AITJ For Making Up For A Hateful Bachelorette Party By Organizing My Own One?
“I (25F) am getting married in 5 weeks and had my bachelorette party yesterday.
I have a maid of honor (Carla) but since she is on a semester abroad for university another friend (Jill) wanted to plan a bachelorette party for me.
When I learned that she wanted to plan it I thanked her and told her what I wanted (while I know these parties should be a surprise there are things I just wouldn’t enjoy which would be a waste.)
I told her I did not want a vendor’s tray (that’s a pretty custom in Germany, to sell stuff like booze and contraceptives to strangers at bachelorette parties) and no embarrassing tasks or games.
And that I would rather want to do stuff like going eat nice food, escape rooms/climbing/wellness… whatever – just have a nice time with my friends, enjoying ourselves.
Well a week ago my bachelorette party started and I got handed a vendors tray from Jill, a shirt that said ‘bride’ and a crown that said bride too.
I thanked her for the crown and the shirt but told her thank you for the tray and that it was a good joke but now she should put it away. She insisted it wasn’t a joke and I should just wear it as it is a tradition.
We argued for 45 minutes (yes that’s sad) until she left that stupid tray and we went to grab a bite and mocktails in a restaurant. When we wanted to order she handed me a bingo card – but instead of numbers there were tasks to fulfill like ‘kiss a stranger’ and stuff.
I handed it back and told her if she didn’t stop I would go home. after a few minutes, she asked if I do not want to give the games a try so I paid for my drink and left.
Then I organized a girl’s night for yesterday.
Starting with an escape room, nice foods, lots of talking and games we all love, and wellness (doing face masks, painting our nails…) in a hotel suite with my friends. Jill refused to come and called me a jerk for leaving the party she planned and organizing my own.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You set very reasonable boundaries for what YOU wanted for YOUR bachelorette party and she disrespected them. You told her that you would leave if she didn’t quit and when she didn’t, you followed through. She should honestly be grateful that she was even invited to the bachelorette party that you planned and hosted.” flakey_salt
Another User Comments:
“It sounds like she offered less out of friendship and more because she thought she would get something out of it such as getting to do all of the ‘fun stuff’ (it doesn’t sound fun to me either) but when you said you didn’t want to she thought she could bully you into it and you would just accept it.
Unfortunately, I do know people who do not like confrontation and would just accept it because they didn’t want to “make a scene” but instead you (proud of you) stood up for yourself.
NTJ” Electronic_Ad5751
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Jill is clearly a total fool.
Whilst it is normal for the details of bachelorette/bachelor parties to be a surprise it’s similarly normal for the bride or groom to provide requests or set boundaries. Some people will embrace and enjoy a weekend of booze, mildly humiliating games, and debauchery.
Others would utterly hate that and prefer a quiet dinner with their closest friends. Nothing is wrong with those and anything in between, but ignoring the wishes of the honoree is stupid and guarantees you a bad time. Organizing your own party to make up for that mess is perfectly reasonable.” Remarkable-Intern-41
12. WIBTJ If I Set Up Some Boundaries With My Brother's Best Friend?
“My brother, Enzo, met his best friend, Xavier, when they were five and have been friends ever since. Xavier is an only child, so he mostly hung out at my house growing up.
When we were young, they wouldn’t let me play with them because I was a girl blah blah blah.
Anyway, the problem is I’ve been noticing Xavier’s behavior for the past few months, and it’s scaring me off. Ever since I turned 21, how he’s treated me has been so weird, and he’s becoming more controlling.
For instance, whenever I go out to a party, he makes me change into a less-exposed outfit.
He makes me share my location. He also doesn’t let me stay out too late and would come to pick me up and threaten my guy friends. He doesn’t let me go out on dates, and every time I complain to my parents or brother, they brush it off as him being protective.
My own brother doesn’t do this.
My friends think he’s got a crush on me and is being protective too. But I find it weird and creepy. Yes, he’s really hot, I’ll admit, but it’s still weird. He calls me randomly at 3 in the morning to talk like WHAT, why do you want to talk to me at 3 AM.
And whenever I bring this up or tell him to stop being annoying, he gets all upset and says he’s looking out for me. I don’t know; I find this super controlling. no one around me is understanding my feelings and is always brushing them off.
I’m afraid to raise my voice at him cause he’s 6’5 and I’m 5’2. I can’t fight that grown-up man. I can’t move away too because I go to uni near my parents’ home so it’s easier for me to live there and his house is like around the corner.
So WIBTJ if I set any boundaries?”
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ. Your brother and parents NEED to intervene here. Make sure they know that you feel physically unsafe when he’s around, and his attention on you makes you highly uncomfortable. You need to drive that point home to your family so they start taking this seriously.
Block him on all media, stop speaking with him, avoid him entirely.” 420-believe-it
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Set boundaries. Please. And tell your family they must help you enforce them or else. He likely is interested in you. But no matter how attractive he is, don’t be fooled.
If he is attempting to control your life now, it will be 1,000 times worse if you have a relationship with him. His behavior is certainly manipulative and bordering on abusive, if not already there. And you are just seeing the tip of the iceberg.
Cut him off completely if you can. If your family won’t listen and respect your boundaries, then they are enabling them and you are not safe.” introspectiveliar
Another User Comments:
“No, you are never a jerk for setting boundaries. You’re going to have to stand up for yourself against him if your family won’t, it’s scary yes but feeding into what he commands of you won’t help your situation.
If anything it’ll show him he can ask more of you in the future. Turn your phone on do not disturb at night and don’t answer his calls, don’t change when he tells you to unless it’s YOUR decision to change, and let him know he can’t control what you wear. NTJ and I hope your situation gets better.” Penncil_
11. AITJ For Criticizing How My Wife Deals With Her Emotions?
“We have problems like anyone else – nothing worth mentioning. But my wife is a bit emotionally immature. She gets very mean when she’s upset and it doesn’t take much to tick her off. The other day we had an argument that ended with me making the point I just want her to be nicer to me (it seems especially unfair that she’s mean to me when I’m not the one responsible for her foul mood).
She stomps around the house, gives me the cold shoulder, ignores me, gives me ‘the look’, etc, etc.
This morning our baby woke up an hour earlier than normal (I get up by 7 and leave for work by 8, they are normally both still asleep).
She was immediately upset about that and launched into a testy rant ‘If you come home today and I’m in a bad mood, be patient with me’, then listed all of the things she was dreading for the day (being with the kids, picking up our daughter from school, doing homework with her, she’s a stay at home mom).
I called her out because I know what she was really saying was ‘If I’m a jerk to you today when you get home get over it’. I told her it’s ok to not be in a great mood but that’s no excuse for being rude and mean to me.
I called her childish for how she deals with her emotions.
This isn’t the first time we’ve had this talk but the first time I used the word ‘childish’.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It’s hard to control your mood, but you can still choose the words you say to someone.
It takes practice and sometimes you have to speak slower because you have to choose your words and phrases carefully. It does sound like there are other issues at play here. I’d think a couple’s counselor – at least a few visits might be worthwhile, or maybe it would help her to talk to a counselor alone to help her discover the root cause of these moods.” FormulaZR
Another User Comments:
“Maybe the word childish was not the best choice, but your wife can’t continue to make your life miserable.
But something is going on. Maybe she’s unhappy. Maybe she doesn’t want to stay at home, maybe your marriage is not great, or maybe she has a mood disorder of some kind.
Have a serious, come-to-Jesus conversation. Explain it cannot go like this, and you’ve got to both find what needs to change.
Make the changes, and if it works, great. If it doesn’t, couple therapy, and if that doesn’t work, well… Maybe you’re just not made for each other.
No jerks here” Floriane007
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – something seems to be really bothering her and you two need to develop the language to safely convey emotions without blame.
She might think she is explaining/excusing herself when she says things like, ‘If I’m in a bad mood don’t be surprised!’ But to you, that’s not a nice way to start your day or hers!
I would suggest she sees a therapist so she has someone in her corner and you two go to counseling.
My mother was exactly like your wife and it greatly affected me as a child and still as an adult. What 30-year-old should be overcome with anxiety because they heard their mother sighs just like she used to when she was unhappy and about to snap at their dad?
It could be that she is also resenting being a stay-at-home mom, but again you two need to work out communication skills so she can express without projecting and blaming and you can listen without taking punches.” ikesinmymikes
10. AITJ For Not Letting My Son Stay With My Ex's New Partner's Family For A Week?
“My son’s father and I have been split up for 3 years, shortly after he met his partner and they’ve been together. She seems very kind and nice, And when I realized they were serious I really wanted to get to know her but she kind of kept her distance from me.
They met in the place where her family lives, which is 11 hours away from me and now they live in another state which is about 11 hours away from her hometown.
My son has gotten to know her and her family pretty well, and they genuinely do seem to adore him but here’s where I’m having an issue: has Dad told me that he has made plans for our son to spend 2 weeks in her hometown over the summer, but is going back home after a week.
Meaning my son will stay with her parents for a week.
He thinks this is super reasonable but to me, it’s just crazy to think that it’s okay for a 9 yr old to stay with people that I’ve not only never met like I don’t even know their names?!
I’m super uncomfortable with it, for so many reasons, but primarily that I just don’t know or have any kind of relationship with these people.
And I do believe that they trust them but it’s just so far and so long. I wouldn’t be comfortable with him staying, without me or his dad, with ANYONE other than grandparents (mine or his parents).
There are a lot of reasons, but mostly it’s just because I don’t know them.
I find it a little bit concerning that everybody on that side doesn’t see how I would be uncomfortable when they’ve made an effort to get to know me. I’m his mom and I take care of him 24/7, Dad sees him as often as he can, and over the summer for a few weeks.
I feel like my opinions should be considered! I don’t know their value systems, I don’t know what kind of discipline they use, I don’t know what kind of environment he’ll be in. He’ll also be more than 10 hours away from either of us in an area that’s relatively remote, that’s really far if there’s any kind of emergency it’s not like we can just pick him up in an hour!
And I know this is like jumping to the worst-case scenario, but statistically, children are most likely to be mistreated by people they know, Even though that’s not really a friend of the mind concern.
All of it together just doesn’t sit right with me.
But now his dad is mad at me because he thinks I’m being unreasonable and that I should trust him to not ever put our son in a bad situation. I’m feeling really guilty because I don’t think he would, but I think this is just crazy and I can’t believe that they would first of all even think that it would be okay but then even more so try to make that decision unilaterally without seeing how I felt about it?!
But I also don’t want to rob my son of fun and being around people that care about him so I’m so conflicted.”
Another User Comments:
“Sometimes our instincts need to be heeded.
I honestly don’t think you are being ridiculous about this. His dad won’t be there for a week and you don’t ‘know’ these people at all. Dad’s partner is not your son’s other mommy, so I get you don’t like this.
Just say ‘no.’ Unless this is part of your ex’s custodial visitation time, you get to decline the offer. The child can return home when his father leaves the holiday home.
This isn’t about your ex’s upset because you’ve expressed some fears.
The whole ‘How could you think I don’t protect our son?’ drama is irrelevant. This isn’t about thoughts. It’s about the security in deeds, in my opinion.
So, even while I think your anxieties have you wound up – it’s still your place to see to your son’s needs and pay attention to your instincts.
NTJ.” AndSoItGoes24
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I do think some of co-parenting is ‘letting go’ and allowing your co-parent to make choices about your child’s care during their time. However, even if you weren’t personally uncomfortable with not knowing these people, a week is simply too long for any 9-year-old to be on his own with anyone other than close family (I suspect your 9-year-old would feel homesick, etc.
even at his grandparents’ home for this long).
I think if your son’s dad says he is hoping your son can stay with his partner’s parents for a day or two nights (e.g., a weekend), you should probably say yes. But a week is simply too long.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You’re being gaslit, your job is to protect your child and his dad wouldn’t be doing his job by leaving his son alone with strangers (to you) for a week and you’re right to feel how you do.
Like you mention, they’re likely decent people, and nothing bad will come of it, but it’s really not worth the risk of something happening to him, especially when you’re too far to reach him in the case of an emergency, he should know this but phrase it in a way where he doesn’t think you’re questioning their integrity, but out of concern for your child’s safety.
Let him go for a week if you want, but make it very clear he’s going home when dad’s going home, and get it documented in some way too, even if it’s as simple as having him on video saying your son is coming back after a week or making copies of the plane tickets (assuming they’re flying).” Other_Adagio_1900
9. AITJ For Making My Son Take Care Of His Brother To Pay For His Debts?
“My 8-year-old son Blake hordes funds like you wouldn’t believe. I kid you not, he has $1200 in his shoebox (no he doesn’t want it in a bank account because he likes counting it). He also worships my older 19-year-old son Justin.)
Lately, Justin has been asking Blake to borrow funds and doesn’t pay it back.
Blake said he doesn’t mind because Justin is his brother. Justin gives these sob stories about how he doesn’t have anything to eat at school or enough for gas and he’s a liar. Justin insists he’s not taking advantage of Blake because he will pay him back.
I don’t want to be a meddling dad so I told Justin that he’s now going to babysit Blake three days a week. This is mostly evenings so I can do personal stuff so he’d be in charge of making dinner, giving him a bath, getting him ready for school the next day, etc.
Justin told me that it’s totally unfair to watch Blake for free and I said that’s how you’re going to pay off your loans to him. And you’re going to have fun with him and make him happy.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You said the younger brother worships his older brother — if you force the older brother to babysit his younger brother for free he’s inevitably gonna snap at his younger brother because he doesn’t want to do this and you’re not only not resolving the problem but you’re setting your younger son up for being disappointed and hurt by someone he really looks up to.
Instead, I would look at why your older son is so broke. Maybe offer him funds in exchange for doing chores around the house with the understanding that the funds he makes at first goes towards paying his brother back. Not only will this allow your older son to work for the funds he wants/needs but it’ll also discourage him from borrowing from his brother as when he does chores he’ll want the funds himself and won’t want to constantly be paying off his debts to his brother.
As a younger brother who looks up a ton to my older brothers, it would’ve been heartbreaking to have ‘spending time with me’ be their punishment and would absolutely hurt me a ton so please consider this in regards to your younger son.
You could accidentally really mess up their relationship…” EddieSp4ghetti
Another User Comments:
“So skipping the part about how your 8-year-old son has $1200 laying around – your grown-up 19-year-old son is taking funds from his little brother of 8 years old? Who does that? Justin can say that he isn’t taking advantage of his younger brother Blake, but it is obvious he is.
Doesn’t it make more sense that if he needs something he comes to you and asks? Instead, he guilt trips his younger brother with fake stories.
So now the next part is, you are trying to take advantage of this situation. You want Justin to babysit Blake ‘for free’ so that you can go and do ‘personal stuff’? Is Blake even going to get his funds back? Honestly, tell that 19-year-old mooch to get a job or something to pay off his debts to his 8-year-old brother.
I feel like you are also making use of this situation for your own needs, to be honest.
Everyone sucks here.” Linamoon22
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Justin’s babysitting isn’t benefiting Blake in the slightest, it’s you pushing your responsibilities onto him so you can have some spare time.
It’s not like spending that time together is going to be a bonding experience because firstly, it’s just going thru the nightly routine (dinner, bath, preparing for the next day etc) and secondly Justin doesn’t want to do it, so he’s going to be resentful about being forced to be there which is going to be noticed by Blake.
And when you have a power struggle like the one between a young child and a young adult sibling, you run the risk of having Blake blame himself for the whole situation.
It might be slightly better if you were to ‘pay’ Justin for the babysitting, but make him give the funds straight to Blake until the debt is repaid, but again I think you run the risk of damaging their relationship.
If it comes to that, you should find other chores for Justin to do to earns funds from you so he can pay Blake back.
You also need to start teaching Blake about financial responsibility and trust. As you say, he’s 8 and worships his older brother.
As his father, it’s your role to protect him, and unfortunately in some cases that includes his siblings. If Blake is continuing to lend him funds, you need to step in and put a stop to it. He can have that in his shoebox, and when he wants some he can exchange some ‘Blake Dollars’ for real currency with you.” kiwifarmdog
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – Justin is taking advantage of his brother and is in the wrong.
Your punishment doesn’t help Blake and Justin might be a crappy babysitter. But I can see why you want him to babysit. Justin takes advantage of Blake and you’re trying to make his life harder as a punishment for him taking advantage of him.
You didn’t quite hit the mark here.
Your better bet is to sit down and have a good chat with Blake about what is happening. Let Blake know that he may never get anything back from Justin and he should know that.
If he’s going to lend him funds he may need to accept that he’ll never get it back… then start talking to him about his funds growing faster in the bank by earning interest and how some kids’ accounts have bonus interest if you put funds in and not take funds out. Maybe even look at teaching him to invest in the stock market.
If Blake has $1200 as an 8-year-old… well he’s got a very generous allowance and you aren’t scrimping to put food on the table.” KitchenDismal9258
8. AITJ For Not Wanting To Move In With My Mom To A Far Away Place?
“We live in a big city, in an apartment that is VERY central. I (19f) don’t have to take public transport anywhere because the location is so good.
Recently my mum decided she wants to buy a house because they’re selling for cheaper (crappy economy).
It’s the perfect opportunity for her right now and I totally get it. It’s always been her dream to buy a house.
My only issue with this is that the houses she’s looking at are located at least 40 mins’ bus journey away from our city in very quiet, suburban areas.
I’m studying for a year (the course starts in September) and the school is literally just a 5 min walk away from where I currently live. I really don’t want to commute 5 days a week for a year, I love that I live so close to the school rn.
Plus I work shifts till midnight at my part-time job, buses don’t even run that late so I wouldn’t be able to get home.
I told her I’d rather just move out and rent a room with housemates somewhere in my city so I don’t have to commute and she was not happy.
She says she wants to move somewhere nice so that we can be happier as a family even though it’s absolutely not what I want at all. She 100% expects me to move in with her.
AITJ for not wanting to move away?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ…
I would stay. But be excited about her journey and participate as much as possible. It’s obviously a big deal. Let her know that wherever she is, will be home to you. Tell her that moving out and starting your own life is only possible because of the way she raised you and the values that she instilled.
Tell her and show her you are happy for her and ask that she be happy for you. Change is hard, and mixing another in with the move will make things stressful but do everything possible to make it a good thing for you both.” goingback67
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It’s normal that you want to move out at this moment in your life. If your mother’s move wouldn’t be the cause, you’d probably move out sooner or later anyway. Your mother is disappointed that she’s too late to live in her dream house with you, I do understand that as well.
But she shouldn’t push you not to move out, it’s a healthy step at your age.” larsvz93
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re an adult so you no longer have to follow along with every whim your parents decide. Tell your mother firmly that you are not moving with her because the commute is just too difficult to do every day with your school and work commitments.
If she persists you can ask her why she wants you to be miserable all the time. Is she the controlling type and is she trying to cut you off from your school, your work, and your friends? You can always tell her you’ll visit as much as possible.” I_need_cheesecake
7. AITJ For Thinking My Stepdaughter Won't Enjoy Camping?
“I (45M) have a son (15M) with my ex. My wife (46F) has a daughter (17F). Step-daughter and son do not get along. My son lives with us full-time and my step-daughter is with us every other weekend. Son and I every summer go camping for a long weekend to celebrate his birthday.
We did do a family camping trip last year. My wife and stepdaughter complained the entire time that there was nothing to do.
I try to be a good stepfather and do things with my stepdaughter, but she made it clear many times that I wasn’t family to her.
My son’s birthday is coming up and I booked the trip for us to be gone from Friday to Monday. It will be the same weekend that my stepdaughter will be staying and she mentioned bringing her with us. My son didn’t look happy and told me he didn’t want her to come.
I spoke with my wife privately about how my stepdaughter wouldn’t have fun and reminded her of the last time we went camping. My wife is upset with me because her ex told her that my stepdaughter feels ignored when she is staying with us.
We do spend time with her when she’s here, but she prefers staying with her father. Her ex is accusing me of trying to keep them apart. I’ve tried to take my stepdaughter away on trips, but she always declines.
My wife has asked me to cancel the trip and do something with my stepdaughter.
If I don’t cancel, I am a huge jerk and it proves to my wife’s ex that I don’t care about her. So am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“No, this is the time for your wife to step up and do something special with her daughter.
You, OP, are doing something with your kid that weekend, for his birthday, something your wife and stepdaughter made perfectly clear they did not enjoy.
Your stepdaughter does not get to determine the birthday festivities of your son. Your wife wants you to cancel the camping trip to do something her daughter would enjoy? WHAT?! It isn’t your stepdaughter’s birthday.
What entitlement!
Leave your wife and her daughter to do something they enjoy. Frame it that way. You are out of the way so they can do fun things together for a weekend without you being underfoot. NTJ” YouthNAsia63
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she has made it clear that she doesn’t feel that you are family to her and that what your wife’s ex thinks it is up to him to make good.
At 17 she’s practically an adult and what your wife is asking is to ruin your son’s bday so that someone who doesn’t see you as family gets to resent you more. Go for your trip and enjoy the best father-son time you can and might be worth telling the wife that she can make plans with her daughter if she wants to.
Else state that you’d better be the jerk and bond with your son than ruin his birthday and have no kids. Some people are irrational and at times you got to tell them to get their acts right.” SPolowiski
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Celebrating one child’s birthday doesn’t mean you don’t care about the other one.
Your wife is a jerk for demanding that you cancel your son’s traditional birthday camping trip. Your son will feel disappointed and resentful, and matters between him, your wife, and her daughter will only get worse.
You could ask your stepdaughter to come up with a special activity that the two of you can do together.
Let her do the suggesting and planning.
The other issue is that your wife’s complaining is influencing her daughter. If her goal is family harmony, she should stop complaining and start coming up with positive solutions that don’t hurt another family member (your son).
I strongly suggest family counseling .” Paevatar
6. AITJ For Making Eating Noises?
“Last month I started a new job. I, along with the other new hires, will be in classroom-style training over the next 2 months.
Our 15-person training class is all on the same schedule, including lunch breaks. Most of us have lunch as a large group with some people breaking off into smaller groups or eating lunch alone, all depending on what the person wants that day.
We eat in a large dining area that has several seating options. The campus also has several smaller dining areas outside and in other indoor spaces.
One of my coworkers, Kathy, has misophonia (a disorder in which certain sounds trigger emotional or physiological responses that some might perceive as unreasonable given the circumstance).
I’m somewhat familiar with it and it sounds insufferable. She told me that she has trouble in the training sessions because one guy next to her chews ice nearly all day. She hasn’t told him anything. One time a guy ate Doritos at lunch and Kathy stared at him like she wanted to reach across the table and strangle him.
Kathy also has a problem with my eating choices. I usually bring a large salad for lunch, which often takes me a good portion of our lunch break to eat.
She’s started staring daggers making snide comments like ‘Did you really have to eat that entire thing?’ and ‘You really like crunchy food, don’t you?’ It’s not fun having someone so closely observe and comment on your eating habits.
At first, I ignored her, but she kept commenting. Then I’d just smile and reply, ‘Why yes I did have to eat the entire thing so I’m not hungry later and yes, I do like crunchy food.’ The unsolicited comments continued.
Eventually, I just said, ‘Kathy, this is a dining area. The primary function of the space is for people to eat in it. If you have a problem with eating noises, maybe an eating space isn’t the logical place for you to spend extra time in, eh?’
Kathy looked upset and some of the coworkers who heard got quiet for a bit before continuing their conversations.
She’s been in a sulky mood since.
I think Kathy can block out eating noises when she’s distracted by her own meal, but since it takes me longer to eat, my noises become the only eating noises for a while.
I empathize that Kathy probably feels like she can’t catch a break all day at work.
Also, I want to acknowledge that there’s a benefit to eating with others at work — it’s a time to bond and network. So in removing herself, she’d miss out a bit.
I’m conflicted because I likely could figure out another lunch to pack that’s quieter and/or faster to eat.
I know that she can’t help how she feels. But I also don’t appreciate her attitude and honestly, I like the lunches I pack since they make me feel satisfied and energized. They don’t make me feel bloated or sluggish after eating them like so many other things do.
I also don’t want to remove myself and miss out on time with my coworkers because they’re fun people.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, dining area is for eating, you are eating. Eating faster is actually not that healthy habit and you are definitely not doing anything wrong by eating your prepared lunch.
This is Kathy’s issue and as much as one can be empathetic, indeed, chewing on you for eating where one is supposed to eat is not a good coping mechanism. It is her problem, she should deal with it and not shift the burden to you, change your entire eating habits for this person.
I would ignore her entirely in future though.” atealein
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you are all in a space where eating noises are expected. You can offer her understanding and sympathy, but solving the problem in a way she can live with is her responsibility, and if there is anything she needs from the rest of you she can request it, and you all can assess whether her request is something that is possible to accommodate.
Her current passive-aggressive attitude helps no one, and definitely not herself.” dzarumazh
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. A lot of people are bothered by the eating noises of other people. You are 100% correct that usually when someone is eating themselves they are not bothered by other people eating.
The main problem here is that Kathy is trying to control others’ behavior when she needs to control her own. If she is bothered by the noises it is not okay for her to make rude comments to other people who are just trying to eat their lunch. She needs to leave the room or find another alternative like headphones so that she is not taking out her issues on other people.” TheParentsDidIt
5. AITJ For Asking My Partner To Cook Less Spicy Foods Like Her Mom Does?
“I’m a white guy who has been with my Indian partner for ~6 months now. I (unfortunately) do not handle spice very well, and yes, I’ve heard every ‘white guy can’t eat spicy food’ joke in existence.
Anyway, when her parents first invited me to dinner, I said ‘If it’s not too much to ask, could you make something that’s not terribly spicy for me?’ Fortunately, her mom was incredibly gracious about it.
Every time I’ve eaten dinner with them since her mom made me a mild version of the main dish.
We moved in together about a week ago. Neither of us really eats breakfast, our companies offer lunch (we both work as software engineers), and we agreed to cook dinner on alternate days.
On the two evenings that she cooked dinner, my partner made extremely spicy Indian food that I could not eat. Like, a single bite sent me running for the milk. I asked her if she could only add the spice to her portion next time.
She laughed at me and said ‘That’s not how Indian cooking works. This isn’t even spicy. You need to learn to appreciate true Indian food.’ Granted, I’ve never cooked Indian food before so she may very well be right. However, the fact that her mom always made a mild version of the main dish for me makes me think that it isn’t the case.
I said ‘Well, your mom was happy to do that for me. Why can’t you be more like her?’
She’s spoken about 5 words to me since.”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Mostly for you not realizing the amount of effort put in by the mother to essentially segregate your dish from the rest of the dishes and just assuming it was an easy reasonable thing to do all the time.
You just decide to call your partner a liar without any knowledge of if you are correct or not. There were a lot of ways to approach this when you didn’t know. You could have said what does your mom do to my food when she cooks a less spicy version? Then you could have learned something.
You don’t ask her to cook like your mother, you ask her to be more like her mother. Which likely carries a whole lot of baggage. Do her parents have traditional gender roles?
The partner is also the jerk if she is only cooking spicy food that is beyond your tolerance but it kind of sounds like she was already making it milder than her preference so there is a possibility she didn’t know but with it being twice in a row I think it’s probably enough to cross over to ‘everyone sucks here’.” GWeb1920
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
So you know, spices are generally added towards the beginning of cooking for the flavor to develop, so depending on the dish, it could mean basically cooking two separate meals. It does depend on the meal though – some would be easy to add spice to later on.
I imagine her mother is choosing to only cook dishes that are easy to do at different spice levels or is putting in a lot more work than she lets on.
That said, to the judgment, your partner should be accommodating of you when cooking for both of you.
Just as you wouldn’t cook her something that she doesn’t like on your days to cook. Laughing at you was definitely uncalled for.
And you shouldn’t compare a woman to her mother. Ever. Just a terrible idea really. So you’re a bit of a jerk for that.” TheGreenPangolin
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
She’s in the wrong about her attitude towards cooking for another person, and you for the mother crack when making your point. If you’ve agreed to cook for each other, that means cooking something that the other can eat. You’ve communicated that spiciness is an issue, so that’s a known constraint for shared food.
I know it’s factually true that her mother has shown it is possible to make milder Indian food. But the comparative phrasing is going to be hurtful even if factually true. She’s clearly watched her mother do this, so it’s not news to her. That she still refuses is a problem, but not one that will resolve by referencing her mother like this.” lonedroan
4. AITJ For Telling My Parents Not To Invite My Ex-Wife And Ex-Best Friend To Their Party?
“I (32M) have been divorced from my ex-wife Elle (32F) for 4 years. It was not a nice thing. She and my ex-best friend Silas (25M) have been married for 3 and have a 1-year-old baby.
My parents and Elle’s parents were long-time family friends and that didn’t stop after our divorce.
My parents are hosting their yearly ‘garden party’ which is just an excuse for them to catch up and gossip with the other seniors. I was visiting my parents when they told me that Silas and Elle would be in town and they were invited to the garden party.
My parents can’t wait to meet their baby.
I told them no they are not coming. My parents didn’t budge and said they would not be rude enough to retract an invitation after Elle and Silas agreed. I said no one wants their ex-wife at their parents’ party.
My parents said I could be polite for one day. They really want to meet the baby and catch up with them.
I made an ultimatum that it was either me or them. I would not attend if they came. My parents called me a jerk for making them choose as Silas and Elle hadn’t asked it and potentially making Elle’s parents think badly of them.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You left out some key details. Based on what you’ve said when pressed:
You were aware your families are close and that future encounters with your ex would be inevitable if things went south in your relationship.
Things went south in your relationship.
Your wife had a medical issue. You preferred work to home. It sounds rough and I’m sorry.
You kissed your coworker, being faithful to your sick or injured wife.
You did not tell your wife, but someone did. She separated from you for your infidelity.
Your friend, who had built a friendship with your ex while you were avoiding her at work, helped her pick up the pieces. That friendship evolved into a relationship. After a couple of years together, they now have a child. Good for them.
Your family, who is friends with your ex and her family, continues that friendship despite an uncomfortable situation. Good for them!
When the first inevitable encounter came up, everyone was prepared to be friendly adults at a garden party. Except you. You gave your parents your ultimatum instead.
Look, I get not wanting this to go down. I’m sure it would be uncomfortable to see them. Imagine how uncomfortable it must have been for everyone but you four years ago. I’m surprised they didn’t outright pick your ex.
Finally, you posted this.
You came to strangers online, posted half the story blaming your spouse for your dissatisfaction, and are accusing her of an emotional affair with no proof whatsoever.
If you have to hide half your story, if you have to leave out everything you did in a situation, you’re in the wrong.
That’s just embarrassing.” FidgetyGidget
Another User Comments:
“YTJ! Your parents have known her for years and you want them to cut contact because of YOUR ‘mistake!’ You believed she was having an affair with no proof and then you went and FOOLED AROUND WITH SOMEONE WHILE SHE WAS HAVING MEDICAL ISSUES! I’m going to assume it involved fertility since you called their baby a miracle baby! She had every right to divorce you and kick you out! you had an affair! Your parents have every right to decide who they wanna invite to THEIR party! If you don’t want to see them then simply DONT GO!” SpareNeighborhood782
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for insisting on the retraction of the invite which is way out of line and super entitled.
NTJ for refusing to attend. Big YTJ for the ‘little mistake.’ Sounds like your parents have known your ex all of her life so understandable that they want to continue the relationship and meet her child. They could or perhaps should have arranged some other place to reconnect, but perhaps they thought you might get over yourself, realize your marriage sucked for both of you, move on, and be mature enough to handle this. They were obviously wrong.” FlatSound4435
3. AITJ For Making My Stepdad Cry?
“I moved an hour away and started a job over the summer and have become close with a few coworkers. One of them and I have become actual friends outside of the office and she’s integrated me into her friend circle.
After getting to know her backstory (mom was abandoned while pregnant and had to raise three kids) we got close and I consider her a good friend now. She’s so sweet and nice.
Last weekend I was over at her mom’s house getting ready to go out and was looking at some pictures on her wall and I saw one of her younger brother and a man and took a double take.
He looks exactly like my stepfather but younger. I tried to find another he was in but that was it. She saw me staring at it and said that’s her father and I laughed and said he looks like my stepdad.
She asked me his name and I said it and the color of her face left. She started calling for her mom to come to the room and the next ten minutes was me awkwardly answering their questions.
Turns out my stepdad is her father.
I met him when I was six so my friend would have been eight and that’s the time he left. He never mentioned having any kids so it was shocking. It was horrible to hear them cry and we never ended up going out.
I told them that he has a successful business and maybe they could get anything for back child support but they said they didn’t want anything from him.
I went home this week and things have just been awkward. My stepdad is so nice and literally my only father figure so to know he abandoned his biological kids is crazy.
My stepdad kept asking me why Im acting weird and I didn’t say anything at first. My mom pulled me aside and I told her everything. To my surprise, she didn’t react. She said how he lives his life is his business and I shouldn’t judge him.
This is coming from a former single mother… I remember her crying over my dad leaving us and I was disgusted by what she said so I told her loudly to not speak to me and that she was a hypocrite and stormed out of the house.
My stepdad followed me to my car saying that I need to come back and apologize to my mom right now and I told him to go and apologize to the kids he abandoned and listed their names. He looked like he was going to faint and went back inside the house.
My mom has been sending me texts that I need to apologize to my stepdad for being a jerk to him and ‘making him cry for days’ and that he raised me and took care of me and that I shouldn’t forget that.
And that if he didn’t do what he did I would be the one without a dad and to be grateful. I haven’t replied back. Am I really the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“You’ve discovered that your stepfather is not who you thought he was.
He (and your mom) told you a massive lie of omission for your entire life. He (and your mom) walked away from innocent children he was legally and morally responsible for. The fact that he raised you and took care of you has very little bearing on this new information you’ve discovered.
It’s ok to be appalled and take time to process this shock. And for god’s sake, you don’t need to be the one apologizing. NTJ.” StereoOnCookingBacon
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. No way.
He fled his responsibilities to his children and his ex-wife. Sounds like you are the first person to call him out on abandoning his kids.
You have nothing to apologize for. Your mother is selfishly taking his side even though she was on the receiving end of the same actions by your father (from what it seems).
I do think you should have a sit down with him and your mom and have him tell you the truth about his life and why he made the decisions he made.
You deserve to hear the truth from him and more importantly, he needs to hear your truth and your thoughts on what this means to you.
Good luck OP.” mybossthinksimworkng
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your mom is in denial because she appears to have built a nice life with this guy.
He is not a good guy. You were absolutely right to call him out for abandoning his kids. Definitely do not apologize to him. Maybe you could consider apologizing to your mother if you were unnecessarily harsh. If she made the best decisions she could and tried to do her best by you, then she really isn’t to blame here. He’s the one who abandoned his kids.” TheUnsolicitedAdvice
2. AITJ For Not Wanting My Parents To Get Back Together?
“My (25f) parents are getting divorced after 24 years of marriage. My mother was basically ‘being unfaithful’ to my father for months before he found out. I highlighted ‘being unfaithful’ because my dad was a horrible husband. So I was actually happy she found someone else.
Once my mom said she wanted to separate, my dad completely changed. He said he didn’t want her to leave, begging her to stay, saying he will change. He actually got on medication for his depression, started being more affectionate, and asked for couples counseling which he said my mom agreed to do.
One day I go to my parents’ house and my dad says he wants my help winning my mom back. We are in the backyard and mom is in the house. I told him no because I want what’s best for her and he’s not it.
He said that he has severe depression, and saying that he’s bad without acknowledging how depression can affect a person isn’t right. He said he was disappointed cus if the genders were reversed I would admonish him for having an affair and breaking the vow of marriage.
Now this is where I might be the jerk; my dad is doing everything he can to win my mom back, so I said that while I won’t help him, I wouldn’t interfere in his plans and would stop talking about him with her (I and my mom talk a lot about how trashy of a husband my dad is).
At one point in the conversation he says, in a calm tone, ‘I know you’re not going to like this, but imma say it anyway: when one parent gives you gifts and takes you on trips and buys you things, of course you’re going to side with them even if they’re wrong because you don’t want to lose that.’ This made me soooo angry.
I have a genuine friendship with my mom, whereas even though my dad was a fantastic father (stay-at-home dad, gave us everything we ever wanted/needed), I don’t necessarily enjoy being around him. I hang out with him sometimes out of obligation, but it’s very forced and I know he can tell and he’s told me this hurts him in the past.
I basically went off saying screw you and how dare you and that he had no right to question my character and the reason I like Mom more is because he’s no fun, unmedicated, he’s rude and rigid, and it has absolutely nothing to do with money.
I am screaming, but up until this point our convo was calm and we were almost whispering so my mom wouldn’t hear. My dad keeps trying to shush me, but I don’t let up. I go to my mom and tell her what he just said, and he keeps looking at me, saying, ‘Why are you doing this to me?’ ‘I can’t believe you’re doing this to me,’ ‘We were just having a calm conversation,’ I say I am leaving and my mom gets in the car with me.
Later my dad says that after my blow-up, my mom no longer wanted to go to couple’s therapy.
AITJ for blowing up and making it harder for my dad to win my mom back?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Heh – ‘witness tampering’ comes to mind.
You were good. You offered not to work against him. Then, he exhibited the same type of horrible behavior as previously.
Your being furious at him was a direct result of his actions and verbal attack. You were justified in feeling insulted and reacting to this.
When all he had to do was just keep quiet after your offer and accept the win, he simply couldn’t resist again showing you who he was.
Your father trying to pin your mother’s decision (to not try therapy) on you does seem to be part of his normal behavior pattern.” extinct_diplodocus
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Your mother had an affair, and there is NEVER an excuse for that. If you aren’t happy, leave. Your father is one because he tried to involve you and wasn’t paying bills before. And YOU, especially because you tried to play off your mother’s infidelity as not actually ‘being unfaithful’ and got involved before your father even asked by trash-talking him constantly with your mom and then tried to act like you didn’t want to be involved.
Honestly, yeah, he wasn’t great in the slightest, but you and your mother also sound miserable.” Lonelylittleacademic
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for a few reasons.
First of all, YTJ for excusing your mom’s infidelity. Let me be clear, infidelity is infidelity, having a crappy spouse does NOT in any way excuse having an affair.
The right thing for her to do would have been to divorce her crappy husband, THEN start a new relationship. What she did instead was wrong, period.
Equally, your father attempting to change only after things ‘got real’ for him is a pretty crappy thing for him to do.
I get it, and I think you do too that sometimes it’s only when we come face to face with a consequence do we actually take the required action to change. But you can’t fix old damage, it’s entirely possible that the damage he did was too much to ever be repairable.
You’re NTJ for being friends with your mom and feeling close to her. But you ARE the jerk for being so deeply involved in your parents’ divorce. The relationship belongs to them, if they divorce or don’t it’s their choice. If he forgives her, and she forgives him and they want to get back together that should be their choice to do or not.
Your dad was wrong to imply that the only reason you were siding with your mom was because she buys you things. But it can also be really difficult to see your child siding with your ex-spouse, particularly in a case where the ex-spouse did something like having an affair.
The core problem here is that you’ve taken sides in your parents’ divorce. Then you got angry because your dad was upset you didn’t take his side. But choosing a side is where you went wrong here.
Look, I don’t know you or your parents but you only said 1 positive thing about your dad in this entire story.
And that 1 positive thing is that he was a fantastic father. Perhaps it’s not your place to judge him as a husband, perhaps you should stick to judging him as a father? Because he’s not your friend’s husband, he’s your father.
‘I don’t necessarily enjoy being around him. I hang out with him sometimes out of obligation, but it’s very forced and I know he can tell and he’s told me this hurts him in the past.’
I can see how that would be very hurtful.
To know that your own daughter, who you were a ‘fantastic father’ to hates being around you so much.
Let me be super clear. You’re 25, but if this entire situation were exactly the same but you were 15 and not 25 I’d say that your mom was guilty of parental annihilation, and in most states that’s enough to endanger her rights to custody.
Children, even adult children, should be kept out of divorce proceedings entirely. It does NOT seem like your mom is doing that, at all, what she’s told you here has damaged your relationship with your father.
Now your father is not entirely innocent here.
But none of these conversations should ever have been involving you at all. But you’re behaving like your mom is some pure innocent creature who can not possibly do anything wrong and your dad is some kind of mean old troll who’s a jerk to everyone all of the time. Yet you also admit that he was a good father.” Miliean
1. AITJ For Refusing To Shake Hands With My Opponent After The Fight?
“I’m an amateur MMA fighter and I recently had a fight. So before the match when we got called to touch gloves, I tried to touch gloves with him. He just said this
‘Nah man I don’t touch gloves before a fight’
in a very arrogant way.
Anybody who knows anything about MMA or boxing knows that touching gloves is a sign of respect and not doing it is a big sign of disrespecting your opponent.
So the fight starts and as we’re starting to come out I try giving him a quick opportunity to touch gloves again.
He immediately took this opportunity to take me down and dominate the whole round, I’m not going to go into detail cause violence ain’t allowed on this sub. Immediately after the horn sounds to end the round. Now that part was kinda on me since it’s not a rule to touch gloves after the bell sounds so it was kinda my bad.
so that in itself isn’t a reason I’m mad at him for this part. It’s how he responded after the round.
He immediately got up and started talking trash by saying: ‘Bro you’re stupid I didn’t touch gloves with you before why would you think we’re touching gloves now’.
The fight continues after that and I win. After the fight, he tries to shake my hand and I immediately don’t accept it and just tell him that he didn’t touch before so I ain’t shaking now.
And yeah that’s it. AITJ for not shaking hands, or did he deserve it?”
Another User Comments:
“Gentle YTJ.
Touching gloves before and shaking hands after is very different. Your opponent told you they didn’t want to touch gloves. You made the mistake of going for it anyway. Touching gloves is optional, and not considered disrespectful not to do, especially since they told you no ahead of time.
Shaking hands after is where respect is supposed to be shown. You didn’t. YTJ.” Ozzy-jones
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but trash-talking is pretty ingrained in the MMA world, especially in the UFC. He tried to get into your head, and he succeeded. Glad you came out on top despite that! Lesson learned for next time; they will try to get under your skin, and you can’t let them or it’ll knock you off your game.” syntheticat7
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You sound sensitive.
It’s not that big a deal, but touching gloves is the first time you can concretely judge range, so there’s a reason not to do it. Most who recognize it just bow or touch gloves anyways because they don’t care, but some just completely avoid it like he did.
Also, his doing so clearly messed up your mind enough to get him an easy takedown. He’s totally in the right for taking you down after the bell rang, but yeah, most people wouldn’t do it. Still your fault for not expecting it though.
Congrats on the win, but your mental is pretty weak, not gonna lie. Don’t take these things so personally, be the person you want people to see you as, not the person you feel justified in being.
He came up to shake your hand after the fight after there was no advantage to being unsportsmanlike.
You should have shaken his hand.” LobToOneSide
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here: he has a rule he always follows and you don’t. In other words, he will never touch anyone’s hands but you would shake everyone’s hands but his. You shouldn’t let someone else’s poor behavior change your personal code.” Huge_Put8244
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