People Ask Us To Critically Evaluate Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories

“About seven years ago, my I (M 28) younger brother J (M 21) was involved in a horrific car accident. We lost our mother and J’s twin sister in the process, and he ended up with a VERY severe TBI, leaving him essentially in a vegetative state.

Since then, I’ve become his primary caregiver and paid for every treatment and care home he needs.

After the crash, my dad became very distant with both me and my youngest sister, R (F 18). R and I weren’t particularly close due to the age gap + her being closer to my late other sister.

And yet I tried to be there for both of them – but I made it more of my mission to be there for J – spending hours talking to him, desperately hoping to catch a glimpse of the brother I once knew, as he was obviously the worst off from this.

As the older sibling, I stepped up for R too. After visiting J at the hospital, I go home to cook for her and our dad, attempting to understand the impact the accident had on her, even though we were never really the kind to talk about our feelings with each other.

I don’t know why but R, since she was eleven, refused to visit J at his care homes, basically shattering what relationship we could have had due to J taking up so much of my time. I initially thought it was a phase, but it stayed, she hasn’t seen J since it happened.

I try to make conversation over dinner, but she constantly shuts herself off. But yesterday, she confronts me, accusing me of neglecting her for the past few years, feeling like she’s always lower priority to J. She even says it might have been better if J hadn’t survived the accident – claiming she’d get more attention from me.

Attention I’ve tried to give her, that she pushes away.

I obviously defend myself, explaining how I’ve given her countless chances to connect, to be part of the whole family-supports-family concept. I list the responsibilities I’ve taken care of for her, from feeding her to providing a roof over her head.

But it’s not enough for R. She insists I need to do more, telling her partner how unimportant I am to her and even claiming I’ve been a jerk to her for years. I’ve given her so many chances to visit J and to talk to me about her life.

I cannot remember the last time she sat down and chatted with me about stuff. And I could see from her side, feeling neglected due to my involvement with J and her lack of it, but she chose this. She chose this lack of connection between us.

Perhaps I’ve misunderstood her perspective entirely, that she could have simply struggled to reach out and communicate how she felt with me.

So, AITJ for prioritizing my severely disabled younger brother over my sister, who seemingly wants nothing to do with him or me?”

Another User Comments:

“A soft YTJ. As someone who has spent her entire childhood and most of her adult life in and out of care centers and hospitals for various people, I understand where she is coming from. Yes, it is where the person needs to be to get the best care possible but as a kid being surrounded by all those people who are basically dead is horrible.

The smell of old people and antiseptics still sends me into panic attacks.

Even if she had gone with you she would still be in the same place if not even more upset. Tagging along while you care for him is just that. It isn’t you spending time with her, it’s her following you around still being neglected.

This may sound cruel but if your brother truly was a vegetable in the way most Americans mean it, then he didn’t need your emotional support. He couldn’t have perceived it. Your sister though? She lost basically everything at once. So did you and no one can tell you that you are not a victim here.

It’s an impossible horrible situation for all of you.

I do think you all need family therapy, or at least individual therapy. I’m willing to bet your sister feels very alone and abandoned. It isn’t your fault, it’s an awful situation with no ‘winners’ and everyone should have handled things differently.

Your father shouldn’t have clocked out, your sister as she got older should have communicated her feelings better, and you should have paid more attention to the other people in your life.” Dracudorable

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here, except I think your father.

I understand that he must be traumatized for losing his wife, his daughter, and having his son so horrifically injured, but he had two other children and should have stepped up to raise your sister, help your brother, and help you.

I have to say you have been extremely brave and I am not sure many of us would be able to do this amongst the grief you must have been in, so young.

But in this case, your sister’s life changed from one day to another when she was only a child. Suddenly, her mother was dead, his father was psychologically missing, her other sister was dead too, and you basically were trying to survive and take care of both of them.

That couldn’t be easy for R at 11 or less to understand, and it is pretty normal for young kids to not want to visit hospitals or care homes. And if the only memory she has of your brother was of when she was a kid, she doesn’t have any relationship with your common brother.

I don’t say it is fair, but she might not have any connection or interest in visiting your brother not now, or in the future. Her relationship with him is just not the same as you have with him. Your relationship cannot be conditional to her visiting J and you even say that you can see how she could feel neglected after so many years, but it wasn’t her place to fix it up with you using J as a condition.

She might never want anything to do with J, because for her, unfortunately, he is a distant memory she is not close to.

If you gave priority to your brother, as I can perfectly understand given the circumstances, you couldn’t multiply yourself to give your sister the same support she lost with your parents and other sister, and she might have felt unimportant, and alone.

If you want to save your relationship with your sister, try to connect with her in a way that is not dependent on her inexistent relationship with J, and now that she is also an adult (or in the peak of becoming one) you might have a more adult relationship.

If you both didn’t have any help after the accident, you might seek grief therapy too. But if you focus so much on J, to the point of saying here that your strained relationship is her own fault for her not wanting to see J, your estrangement is going to grow over time.

But nobody is at fault here. I only see two young people suffering. You, a young person who stepped up in an enormously difficult situation to try to take care of everybody despite his own grief, and a child who didn’t understand why she lost everybody in a heartbeat and who felt second best for years.

Be kind to yourself, OP, and if you can and have strength to do, with your sister, too. Nobody should have to suffer what you two did.” [deleted]

Another User Comments:

“Mild YTJ. It does sound like you’ve not been there emotionally for your sibling.

Her lashing out isn’t misbehavior; it’s a cry for help. She lost everything too, just like you did. All you had left was each other. This isn’t about your disabled brother. This is about your family telling you that they need you to be there for them.

You don’t have to be if you really don’t want to, but that’s a choice you’re making.

As an aside, after the trauma of losing most of her family, it’s not unreasonable that she’d be afraid of seeing her brother in that state, or of medical facilities in general. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love him.

She’s just terrified and lonely, and she’s trying to ask you for help.” Dominoodles