People Explore Their Darkest Regrets In These 'Am I A Jerk?' Stories
22. AITJ For Banning My FIL From My House For Refusing To Remove His Shoes?
“My (38f) husband (37m) has been “renting” my in-law’s house since they moved about 10 years ago.
About 5 years ago my in-law’s house burned down in the fires in CA so they had to move back into their house. We all lived together fine for the most part but 2 years ago I had gotten pregnant and my husband and I decided to buy the house from my in-laws.
When we were in the process of buying it and planning on gutting the whole house and putting in new floors and a new kitchen. I told my in-laws that there were going to be some changes in cleanliness (my MIL did all the cleaning..
it was her choice and as it was her house I didn’t say anything) including but not limited to not wearing shoes in the house especially since we were about to have a baby. For an entire year, I was telling them this so when the time came to start taking shoes off they were not surprised. My FIL REFUSED to remove his shoes from the house.
I asked him several times to do so.
He still didn’t do it. So I got some of those blue booties to wear in the house so he wouldn’t have to take off his shoes and he also refused to do that. It got to the point where every time he walked through the house he would stomp super loud and wake up my son just to be a jerk.
I got so fed up one day that I called him and asked him nicely why he won’t take his shoes off and he said “I do take my shoes off when I get to my bedroom because that’s what normal people do.
And that’s the way it’s going to be” I was so angry that I went off on him. I said I don’t care about what “normal people” do in their own homes.. this isn’t your house anymore and we don’t want your dirty shoes on our nice new floor or where our son is going to be playing” he again repeated that’s the way it’s going to be I said “yeah?
Well then you are not welcome at my house anymore unless you can be an adult and respect my boundaries” They had already got a new place and were about to move out anyway in a few months. He threw a fit and called everyone and told them I kicked him out.
Now everyone except my husband who also hates shoes in the house is mad at me because I “took it too far” and I am “overreacting” and “causing a rift between my husband and his dad” I feel like the only person who caused the rift is my FIL because he refused to acknowledge the rule.
He has not been back to my house since. So… AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m guessing that you are from the USA since FIL said “normal” people remove their shoes from their bedroom. I’m from Sweden and we always take off our shoes indoors since it will make the house dirty and it would be disrespectful to keep them on if you are visiting someone.
There is nothing wrong with it and I would say it’s better especially if you are going to have a child playing on the floor.” MaxTheCookie
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I suspect FIL is angry about losing/selling the house to you guys and finding a little passive-aggressive way to show it.
I am sure there’s quite a long list of micro problems that make living under one roof hard, this is the hill he decided to die on, and the one that became the war.” Particular-Try5584
21. AITJ For Choosing to Spend the Holidays Away From My Erratic Brother?
“My (24F) relationship with my brother (28M) has been strained for a few years now. My theory has been for a while that he has BPD. He behaves erratically and is generally mean. He also struggles with gambling/drinking. My father has a “that’s just how he is” mentality.
Important to note that If I didn’t cook or plan anything there wouldn’t be a celebration on Thanksgiving or Xmas. So, for the past few years, I have been cooking and attempting to have a nice time with them.
His dog passed away suddenly on Halloween so he was already on edge.
On Thanksgiving, I spent the entire day cooking while my brother drank and gambled. As dinner was being served, he lost his bet on the game and became erratic. He claimed he was going outside for some air, and then after a few minutes, we realized that he had driven away while intoxicated and left. We immediately left all the food to go looking for him.
We drove around looking for wrecks and calling him to no avail. Needless to say, the food got trashed, and we spent all night calling hospitals and police stations and waiting up.
The next day we found out he had driven to a hospital an hour away while intoxicated and checked himself in for depression.
He showed back up that night apologizing and claimed he was getting on medication going to therapy, and quitting drinking/gambling. He went home the same day.
Despite a month of brief contact, when I decided I didn’t want to be home for Christmas, he claimed I was abandoning him, and was upset with me for leaving.
I couldn’t enjoy myself at all and felt so guilty. Coupled with Thanksgiving, it was a horrific experience that I spent the past year healing from, and I did a 12-week course for family members of people with BPD in an attempt to better understand what happened.
Now, with the anniversary of his dog’s passing and the holidays coming up, I am terrified. It was one of the most traumatic nights of my life and there is no chance I am subjecting myself or my partner to it again, or attempting any type of holiday celebration.
He is still on medication in therapy, and going to school, but has continued to gamble and drink occasionally. It was hard for me to have the conversation with my father that I wanted to leave for the holidays, but he didn’t seem to mind.
My brother doesn’t know anything yet, and although we sometimes have contact, I feel it’s not my job to protect his feelings and take care of him, and I want to just leave for the holidays on my own without any explanation to him.
I still can’t help but feel awful about them having no celebration, and just want to know what people on the outside may objectively think of it all.
So, AITJ for ditching my family for the holidays without saying anything to be in a healthier environment?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I don’t travel home for Thanksgiving anymore. I’m a grown adult and no longer beholden to other people’s plans. Neither should you be. If you and your partner are fine with a long weekend trip to some place for Thanksgiving, then do it.
Thanksgiving dinner is a lot of work, and your brother ruined it all last year.” KronkLaSworda
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Skip the holidays with the family do something for you and your partner to keep your peace. Do you guys have friends? My family holidays are too difficult to go to and Friendsgiving saves me.
“Dad I will not be coming to any holidays for the foreseeable future. Brother needs help. He’s erratic. He’s a jerk. He’s compulsive. He’s got some serious undiagnosed mental health issues and it wreaks havoc on the entire family. I can not control this situation or make anyone seek help or be realistic about his struggles so I’m removing myself from the situation to protect MY mental health”” Illustrious_Bird9234
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The Thanksgiving holiday is too short, too fraught with expectations, and too expensive to travel any kind of distance as a grown adult. I don’t travel more than 20 minutes for it (if at all), and I’ve been REALLY happy with that change, even if it means never spending it with my parents that I get along fine with.” Former-Bag-6528
20. AITJ For Wanting To Keep The Stray Cat I've Been Caring For?
“I (27M) am currently living with my fiancee “Amy”(24F) and have been for about threeish years.
We have lived at our current residence for about two years. Quite a few months ago someone dumped a cat at our townhouse complex, I took one look and instantly fell in love. So naturally I started to feed it and have been doing so for about 8 months now.
I was determined to get its trust and take it in. About a month ago I got to the point where I could finally pet, touch, and hold the cat. And the cat finally doesn’t run away from me. I bought the cat a shelter for the winter and plan on getting flea meds next month.
Recently Amy has stated she wants us to move somewhere else, which is fine with me but of course, it’s going to take time to save. Which didn’t make her happy as she wanted to move now if she could. She told me she doesn’t want me to take the cat with me, and she wants me to leave the cat there (because she wants a quick fix of moving to her parents).
She said that she doesn’t want me taking the cat to the vet or getting him fixed or any flea meds. For the record right now we have two bedrooms, I have an elderly indoor cat and I also own a rabbit. We have comfortable living space and she wants all of us to cram in the trailer with her parents.
My animals and I need more room than that.
To be honest, it seems to me that she just wants more money for herself because she told me that I “need to focus on taking care of my family and not taking in random cats” and she said, “It’s not your cat it’s a stray” and let’s not forget “that cat isn’t part of the family” (which made my blood boil by the way) I’ve been waiting for months for her to apply for disability benefits.
We live a comfortable life even though it’s just my income. We aren’t struggling the only thing I’m struggling to do is put back as much money as I want because she knows how to spend money. Anytime I tell her not to dip into a certain amount of money she finds a way to spend it.
I’m not sure how much respect I have for her as a person if she expects me to just abandon a cat I’ve put 8 months of work into,(she tried to say if we just leave the cat here it’s not abandoning) trying to gain its trust. She’s telling me I’m biting off more than I can chew when I always pay bills early and my animals are healthy and spoiled and tbh she’s spoiled too.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You have a fiancé who doesn’t work, doesn’t bring any income to the household refuses to apply for her benefits for her disability and now wants to force all Of you to move into a tiny trailer with her family??
It sounds to me like you are her free meal ticket to her getting a lazy life and everything paid for and now wants you to pay for her family. Let her move alone, and why can’t you stay where you are? It’s obvious you both are not ready for a joint life together and need more time to come to a peaceful life together- not one where she tried to control and change what you do to be happy and comfortable to match only her wants.” Ryoko_Kusanagi69
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Had to ask that question, because I’ve seen posts like this to neglect to mention they have children, and that’s why the partner was upset. (that money/resources were not going to the children). You should be reconsidering this relationship.” SDstartingOut
19. AITJ For Showing My Family A Potential Home Via Facetime Without Explicit Permission?
“So I was recently asked to leave out of a landlord’s townhome because I “failed to ask permission” to show my family the home we were looking at via Facetime.
Honestly, through my home search, I’ve never encountered this issue before.
I was driving very excited/anxious (because we haven’t had much luck finding a good safe place for a decent price) and I pulled up to the home.
I text the landlord if it’s alright for me to walk around the yard and view the home from the outside and he gives me the okay as he is not there yet and running 10 minutes late.
So I Facetime my sister and brother-in-law and we admire the landscape and the house.
I’m also just looking and observing possible hazards. I noticed an empty box on the porch so I wasn’t entirely sure if there used to be a smoker in the unit.
The landlord arrives and he introduces himself and asks my name. I tell him and say “My sister will be watching via Facetime as she could not make it.” My sister and brother-in-law are in the next state looking to relocate and could not make it.
I noticed a smell in the home and could not pinpoint what it exactly was. He told me the carpet was new and the walls were painted. I complimented it and said it was beautiful and so did my sister. I asked if there was a smoker in the unit, and he said, “No.” I asked if there was a history of black mould in the unit and he said, “I have no idea” quite rude.
I went to the 2nd level and whispered, ” I don’t like that answer.” to my sister.
My brother-in-law (he and my sister were in the same room but he was busy caring for their baby) asked me to see the unit so I briefly showed him.
And he said it was a very nice place.
The landlord was completely disengaged from the entire viewing especially after I asked about black mold. I asked him about applications and he said, “Well if you get off the phone, maybe I’ll answer you.”
I was a bit confused, I told him, “Sir, this is my family on Facetime with me.
They are applicants as well.” He responds, “Well they should have been here. You recorded in my house without my consent.” I said, “What? I told you my sister would be watching via Facetime.” He says, “That was a directive. Not a question.”
I hung up the phone with my family and asked him, “What exactly do you need to discuss with me without my family?” He says, “You did not ask to record.
Now please leave.”
Me and my sister think it could be because we are black and after researching the area, we are very much the minority.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ My mother would always say: if something ain’t right, it probably ain’t right. Maybe you can report the agent if you want.
I think you were on the money about black mould. I wouldn’t know if he was a racist or not, but his attitude gives away that there’s something in that unit he doesn’t want you to see until after you sign and pay a deposit, and you asking questions means he doesn’t like that you noticed. I’ve heard of realtors, especially during these times, showing homes via FaceTime.
So I think he’s hiding something.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is entirely unprofessional behaviour on his part. I’ve never run into landlords or showing agents who did not want potential tenants taking videos/calling family members during a showing or open house. Now you know who not to rent from!” soog0704
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You weren’t recording anyway so him being stuck on that is a problem. Also if it was a problem, he could have told you no when you first said you were on FaceTime. His inability to answer direct questions about mould is sketchy, and he didn’t like the idea of a tenant who asked questions and knew what they were looking for.
It had nothing to do with the phone. I’m glad you aren’t renting from him.” Malibu921
18. AITJ For Wanting To Bring My Emotional Support Cat To My Cat-Allergic Roommate's Apartment?
“I am a college student and I go to a massive university. I took a break from my schooling to take care of physical and mental health matters, and elected last minute to return to my course work this fall semester. This posed a very large problem as my college town is currently dealing with a housing crisis and shortage, so I basically had very little options to where I could get a place to live 5 days before classes started (not joking).
I got my cat 3 years ago as a dumped Craigslist kitten and she is heavily, heavily bonded to me. She has lived with me all through university, surrounded by many young adults, as well as when I took my hiatus from school. I struggle with documented mental health issues, and she is my certified emotional support animal (ESA) and not a pet.
She is my one sigh of relief and functioning without her around is difficult.
So after desperately cold calling leasing offices and agents I finally found a place that answered me and met some of my needs/ budget… and they had a single opening. All I could see about my roommates is that they were “dog friendly but not cat friendly” as a roommate had a documented allergy to cats.
With school starting in a matter of days and me having no other options, I signed the lease. The leasing agents told me although this girl I would be living with is allergic to cats, I can still bring my cat because she is an ESA and I cannot be denied, but it’s up to me if I want to cause potential roommate issues.
They suggested that maybe I don’t bring her up right away and talk it out with them once I get to meet them all and live with them for a bit. My room is also on the smaller side and it would not be fair for her to be shut in there all day every day.
Upon moving in with these 4 other girls, I learned that I would be living with a dog. It was a different roommate’s animal, but it’s a miniature poodle which is hypoallergenic. According to the roommate with the cat allergies, she is “quite allergic” and because of that her family also only has poodles.
Here’s the big issue now. My parents offered to watch and take care of my cat for me while I navigate this situation, and I am very thankful for that. However, my parents have 6 cats of their own…. And they absolutely do not get along with my cat.
My parents, one being an ex veterinarian, have tried just about everything from calming collars to like Jackson Galaxy type stuff and it’s just getting worse. I also think her and I being separated is causing her massive anxiety and it’s just not fair for her.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, find another roommate. Having an ESA imposes an obligation on the landlord, not on roommates, for them this is their home and they have no obligation to accept a cat, but I’m not sure why a leasing office would be talking to you to give you a single room in an apartment anyway, so double YTJ for this story also being fake ragebait.
But please, do tell, did you sign a new lease with all these roommates and decline to tell them about the cat? They certainly would not have an obligation to sign with you, and if you signed and moved in intending to bring a cat without telling them you intended to bring a cat, yes, you would be extremely deceptive and a massive jerk.” Reddoraptor
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – your roommate is allergic. Although I am sorry that both you and your cat are obviously distressed in this situation, you are the jerk. Edited to “remove” my incorrect statement regarding the ADA and ESAs with regards to housing.” toosheeptheorist
Another User Comments:
“YTJ I know it’s an emotional support animal, but the lease literally said no cats. I don’t understand why anyone would give you the advice to sign and just spring the cat on them. Having allergies sucks. If she is super allergic then it could mess with her daily functionality and affect her school work and work.
I suggest you find somewhere else. It’s not fair on the roommate especially if you plan to let the cat wander around the place. What will you do if the dog and cat don’t get along?” [deleted]
17. AITJ For "Shadow Banning" My Toxic Dad From My Financial App?
“I (30m) always had difficult relationships with my family (except for my sister, they are pretty much all toxic).
I’ve gone no contact with my dad in my early twenties (for reference, my sister hasn’t spoken to him since 2007) and allowed him to come back into my life when I was around 25.
He is not a good person to say the least. He has no empathy, doesn’t care about anyone including his children and acts like a child, throwing tantrums when anything doesn’t go the way he wants.
He phones me when he feels lonely (surprisingly, he doesn’t have many friends) and gets mad if I don’t pick up the phone saying I avoid his calls etc.
Last year, I was diagnosed with a rare genetic disease causing heart and lung problems. I’ve been hospitalized multiple times, had lung surgery and have to take meds making me really tired. I lost my job due to this (hard to work when you’re sleeping on average 14h/day).
During my free time, I created an app based on AI tech that gives financial advice for specific swing trading scenarios (short-term stock trading with high leverage). My dad used to do swing trading but was breakeven at most, he never really made money. I created this, he loaned me 2k€ to try it out and tried it out himself.
Soon, he made way more money than he loaned me so he told me to keep the 2k and never pay him back.
Last month, I had yet another cardiac episode and I was up all night in the ER before going home in the early morning.
At 5:30pm, he calls me because he’s bored – we talk and then I go take a nap because I’m tired. I shut down my phone in order to avoid being awaken by it. When I wake up around 10pm, 7 missed calls and a load of insulting texts saying I blocked him, I’m never reachable when he tries etc. The reason for his calls was a technical error on my app.
I politely tell him to basically go away and to stop contacting me unless it’s for apologizing (and that even if he does, I’m not sure I’d answer because I’m done with it). He tries to guilt trip me and finally says goodbye and that he won’t use my financial app again.
For weeks, I monitored my apps logs and saw he kept using it every day. So, 2 weeks ago, after thinking about changing the advices for the opposite only for his account (that would have been a jerk move but funny), I “shadow-banned” him without telling him a thing: when he logs in, he can only see the menu but every page is blank.
I’m wondering if I’m a jerk here because the app was providing a large chunk of his current income (30-40% ?) and I did it without even telling him a thing (and smiling a lot when I saw in the logs frenetic refresh on the main page to try and make it work) weeks after the clash.”
Another User Comments:
“You’re neither the jerk nor the hero. You simply made a choice.” FallenPillar
16. AITJ For Refusing To Continue Coddling My Childish Mother?
“I (33f) have always had to deal with my mother’s (60) childish takes on things and I have reached a point where I am tired of keeping it up.
She has been probably suffering from anxiety over the last few years. She sometimes gets overly stressed about trivial things and lashes out at us (my father, sibling and I) because things are not going her way or because she thinks they are not going her way.
Just 2 weeks ago I helped her to send a test in the form of a Google survey because she had issues with the captcha. At this time she didn’t understand why the page was “not allowing her answers” and was upset my sister was “out with her friend and not helping her”, all while stomping her feet like a 5 yo.
I solved the captcha and the answer got sent. Instead of being happy, she got panicked because “I could have touched the answers and changed them, and she could fail because of that”, so she started to make this fake crying/child bubbling (yes, it sounds like that and it’s annoying as heck).
I was having none of it and just kicked her out. Of course, everything was fine when the results came, so she behaved like a child for nothing once again.
Between these attitudes and the fact that she is unwilling to address the issue by going to a psychologist as advised by the entire family, I am at my wit’s ends with her.
Today she decided she didn’t want to go to our uncle’s home for a BBQ (it’s a weekly thing for our family to do to spend some time with relatives) because she is tired.
I’ve returned home bringing her something to eat. Went into her room to check on her.
Had a chat with her about her “not feeling OK and maybe being depressed”. Once again advised to go to therapy, to she ignored the answer and asked me to bring her some food to bed.
And that’s where I was probably the jerk.
I denied doing that.
Told her to get up from bed, go downstairs and eat at the table. I don’t want to coddle a grown adult who complains, blames others and then asks for special treatment, especially one that has been doing that her entire life. I’m done with dealing with people who put their mental well-being into their close ones instead of addressing it as the grown-ups they are.
And I say that last part as someone that realized was suffering from depression while at a difficult time and looked for an actual therapist for help. I know what is to be in a bad place mentally, but I would never dream of extorting my close ones for attention because of that.
But now I’m kinda feeling like a jerk for doing it and being harsh with her. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ But why isn’t your Father helping her? He’s her husband, and as such it should fall to him to help his wife. My best friend’s Mother was like that, always the victim, always so helpless and just like a child in behaviour, attitude and responses.
It was exhausting for everyone around her, so I can imagine how exhausted you (and the rest of the family) must be. Unless she is willing to see a therapist or someone to help with this, I don’t see anything changing. I’m sorry, but either way, you are not the jerk at all.” MissSuzieSunshine
Another User Comments:
“NTJ If she doesn’t want help, there’s nothing you can do. She suffers from these problems but doesn’t seek help and treats you like a servant when she finds anything wrong or doesn’t like it. She throws tantrums like a child. Like, I don’t think you want to be your mother’s babysitter for the rest of your life, right?” pinscher1209
Another User Comments:
“NTJ because it’s not “helping” it’s enabling. You need to set your boundaries and make it clear what you are willing to do for her and what not. She needs some “tough love” and maybe a wake-up call. That’s an optimistic scenario.
Sadly it’s uncommon for people like her to change and you will probably have to limit your contact with her for your health.” NeTiFe-anonymous
15. AITJ For Resting My Head In Class Due To Health Issues?
“I am a university student. I love most of my professors, and my average GPA is 81 (roughly 3.80). I’ve been doing fairly well in all my courses so far.
One of my professors, who is disliked by both me and my classmates, has been particularly disrespectful to me.
I’ve been experiencing dizziness, severe fatigue, feeling cold all the time, & some other health issues. I typically sleep for 6-9 hours each night and take naps during large gaps between classes due to my fatigue.
I can’t seem to feel well-rested. I’ve had blood work done and am currently trying to privately address these health concerns with my doctor.
During one of her lectures, I felt extremely dizzy and tired, even while sitting down. So, I rested my head on my desk to prevent making a scene if I were to pass out, which would have been embarrassing.
After the lecture, as I gathered my things, she looked at me and said, ‘That was very disrespectful.’ I was honestly confused, so I politely asked her if I had done something wrong.
She then proceeded to say, ‘Resting your head like that is very disrespectful… I’m 60 years old, and if I could take a nap, I would.
Most professors would throw something at you.’ I honestly didn’t know how to respond. I didn’t mean to disrespect her; I was simply feeling unwell and needed a moment to recover.
The statement shocked me I’ve seen people sleep in lectures and have never been told off like that.
I was just feeling unwell and I needed a moment. (Not saying I support sleeping in lectures, but at the end of the day, it’s the student’s fault if they miss out on important information)
When I tried to explain, she kept interrupting me, which, I’ll admit, made me angry.
I wasn’t rude, but I couldn’t tolerate being spoken to in such a manner. I recently lost my home in a wildfire, and my tolerance for things has decreased. So, I took a deep breath to keep my cool and I told her that I hadn’t been feeling well recently and that I was working with my doctor privately.
I have a blood work appointment booked hopefully will find a solution to the issue.
She responded that I should just leave or not bother coming if I’m not feeling well. I left the room without saying another word to her when she said goodbye.
She knows about how I recently lost everything in the wildfire. I’m genuinely trying to find a solution to my health issues, coping with the stress after the fire, while still attending classes while focused on my academics.
The head of the program reached out to me kindly, expressed concern about my health, and said it was okay to take days off.
I thanked her, shared my symptoms, and mentioned my upcoming blood work appointment to find a solution. I also added that in this particular professor’s lectures, I will sit in the back to avoid any further perceived disrespect.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ professors should just be giving their lesson and if people want to pay attention they can.
Honestly, if 1/3 of the class isn’t playing around on their phone most of their class your peers are way more diligent than my university experience. You should check in with a doctor though, fatigue/dizziness sounds like some level of malnutrition or illness.” Shadybrooks93
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Most (if not all) professors would be upset at someone sleeping in their class, but even my worst/most strict professors would’ve understood if it was a medical reason and then would’ve tried to help with the situation if they could. People like that are miserable, and it’s not your fault that they act like that” ev_ra_st
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. How awful! Your family lost your home and all your belongings in a fire, you’re having health problems, and now this jerk is berating you because you felt lightheaded during her lecture, and put your head down on your desk! Somebody has Main Character syndrome, and it ain’t you!
I am so sorry for all the horrible things that have happened, and hope the future turns around soon! Hugs from an internet stranger!” chart1961
14. AITJ For Calling My Wife Lazy Due To Her Poor Hygiene Habits?
“I (36m) am in the Army and often go long periods without seeing my wife (35f). I love her and am always excited to see her, although some of her hygiene habits are concerning to me.
Whenever I’m home on leave, I’m often surprised by the mess our house is in. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a clean freak and I wouldn’t expect a lived-in house to be perfect. I feel like I can separate the standards expected in the Army to a normal setting and I don’t expect my wife to have the place spotless.
But our house verges on what I’d call squalid. I drive home to our front lawn piled with black bags, and there are plates of old food on random shelves and cabinets. Our wall beside the rubbish bin is stained brown where she throws tea bags in it from a distance and they hit the wall first, and the place never smells very good.
I’ve asked before if she could tidy those bits up, not only because of how I feel but because dirty surroundings like that impact her mental well-being, and it could degrade her health. Every time I say something she huffs like I’m her dad asking her to tidy her bedroom, and she says she’ll do it later.
I end up spending most of my leave sorting things out, only to come back to the same mess next time.
I wondered if her mental health might be causing her to neglect things, and I spoke to her a bit but she wouldn’t listen.
I asked her mum and dad and they made it clear that she’s always been untidy, and had to pay damages to previous landlords on old flats. Frankly, she’s been that way all through our relationship, but never quite as intensely and seemingly less so when I’m around.
It’s one thing that we don’t have children to think about, but it’s not a nice environment for anyone and I think the final straw was on my last leave when I started finding used sanitary products on the bathroom floor rather than in the bin.
I sat my wife down and implored her to tidy the place more often because it’s her home too, she deserves a nice place to live and besides all that, it’s a basic responsibility. She started defensive but quickly became angry and accused me of bossing her around and expecting her to clean a large home all by herself every day when she had work to go to.
I told her that I understand a place can get messy and she has a life and career to get on with, but her habits and attitude are lazy. She screamed at me to shut up and went upstairs.
We had a strained rest of my leave and I think she was more than happy to see me go.
I don’t know what to do. I feel the request is reasonable enough, but was I wrong to approach it as I did and call her lazy?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but this isn’t laziness. This is mental illness. Lazy people don’t always fold their laundry right away.
Lazy people might have a few extra dishes in the sink, or let the lawn get too long or put off weeding the garden. Leaving trash bags on the lawn, throwing tea bags at the wall what the actual heck? If she isn’t interested in helping herself, dude run.
I don’t know if you’re planning on having kids or not but I think you know that would be a poor choice right now. Regardless she’s not planning on changing her ways. She needs to help herself.” DoraTheUrbanExplorer
Another User Comments:
“NTJ And your concern is well founded. It’s one thing to be ‘untidy’ but quite another to be ‘unsanitary’.
The old food will bring flies and other pests depending on where you live, which could be potentially life-threatening. But more than that is her mental state, thinking that living in that kind of squalor is acceptable isn’t ‘lazy’ it is concerning. Lastly, it’s a blessing you don’t have children, who would be getting raised in that environment.
If she isn’t willing to get help, then is this the way you want to live? Something to think about.” MissSuzieSunshine
Another User Comments:
“NTJ What you’re asking for is pretty much the bare minimum and would take ZERO effort to do differently or fix(well, apart from the wall stain but like, stop throwing tea bags?) I consider myself pretty lazy when it comes to cleaning up my house and I gotta say this sounds pretty excessive.” BoyoDee
13. AITJ For Not Paying To Clean My Partner's Couch After An Unexpected Period Stain?
“I (21f) got ill for the first time over the summer and got pretty sick. I didn’t have to go to the hospital or anything but I had a high fever and could pretty much only lie down in a dark room for two weeks and I needed assistance with walking.
I’ve recovered mostly but I’ve noticed my menstrual cycle has been off ever since. My first period post-illness came five days late and the next one was just a bit early. I figured with the third one it might be okay again. That brings me to my current issue:
I was at my partner’s (25m) apartment this weekend watching a movie with him. We were on his couch which has a light beige fabric. From the intro, I feel like you can already guess what happened, but yeah I got my period unexpectedly and there’s now a red stain on his couch.
It had only been NINE days since the end of my last period so obviously, I was not expecting this at all, even taking into account how irregular my cycle has been.
My partner was furious. He loves that couch and it’s still relatively new, maybe a year and a half old.
He told me I should ”plug it up” all month long if I don’t know when I’m getting my period to prevent this from happening, but that sounds ridiculous to me. Not only would that be uncomfortable for me to wear all month but it’s also very expensive and I don’t have the funds for that.
He is now asking (more like demanding) me to pay for professional cleaning services or an entirely new couch if they can’t get rid of the stain. I’ve offered to look into alternative ways to get rid of it that are less expensive but he refused saying only a new couch or professional cleaning can make up for what I did.
I think it’s unfair because A) I didn’t do it on purpose, how am I supposed to know my period would come weeks too soon? and B) I’m a college student with practically no funds whereas he has a well-paying job and could much more easily cover the cost of the damage.
His parents are on his side, my friends are divided. Two of them think I should pay for the cleaning services because it is my fault I wasn’t wearing a pad or tampon. One friend thinks it’s not my fault and that I should dump my partner because of his reaction.
I thought it wasn’t my fault but with the majority of people involved being on my partner’s side, I’m very heavily doubting that now. So AITJ for ruining his couch and not paying for it?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Cleaning this should be easy, and certainly would’ve been if done properly as soon as you noticed. He way overreacted. Plug it up?
Really? This guy should not be in a relationship with a woman. By the way, what kind of partner tells people about his partner’s menstrual mishaps, let alone his parents? Intent vs impact. Of course, you didn’t intend to do this, but you did do this.
So why would someone else be responsible for resolving it? Also, the discrepancy in ability to pay doesn’t matter. Again, you did it, not him.” thisismyburnerac
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Even tho it was an accident, you still need to pay for it to be cleaned. Your blood, your responsibility.
But the partner completely overreacted. You just can’t plug it up. After paying for the cleaning, I’d reconsider this relationship. The way he acted over a stained couch is a huge red flag.” Secret-Sample1683
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You put a stain on his couch; you should pay to have it cleaned. If I spilled red wine on my neighbour’s rug, I would be responsible–it doesn’t matter if it was an accident.
Your partner is a jerk though for his attitude about menstruation.” 1962Michael
12. AITJ For Not Wanting To Review My Partner's Fantasy Novel?
“My partner(20F) and I(20M) are both English majors in college. We are both interested in creative writing and met at a Fiction Writing workshop hosted by our English Department.
The difference is that I am more invested in writing mature coming-of-age family dramas that draw heavily from my personal experiences, so I’d like to say that I put a lot of thought into my writing and my writing involves really deep and meaningful themes, while my partner writes more “pulpy” fantasy/sci-fi fiction.
I’m not judging her per se, it’s just how everyone(including me) sees her writing, but I’m sure she’s great at coming up with story ideas because she always has some new fun little twist popping up in her head to the point where she keeps a notebook near the bathroom to write down ideas she gets in the shower, but I’m more deliberate, but each to their own I guess.
Anyway, my partner has finished the first draft of her fantasy novel, she told me it’s in the vein of Lord of the Rings. To be quite honest, my memories of high fantasy novels like that one and The Belgariad are a bit hazy, mostly because I outgrew them by the age of 12 because they just seemed a little silly for me, no judgment of course, it’s just hard to get invested in such fantastical and at times, whimsical stories about orcs and Mordor.
But I wanted to be a supportive partner so I started it, and it was kind of rough. I tend to prefer well-fleshed-out characters and thoughtful moments of introspection in my writing that strikes a nerve with the reader, but I just saw rambling and extensive descriptions of the landscape and the trees or the chainmail the warriors would wear.
But I bore through it and finished half of the novel.
That was 2 days ago. Yesterday, my partner handed me a giant stack of loose leaf papers, telling me that she forgot to hand me her world-building notes, stuff she uses to keep track of all of this, and asked me to reference it as I read.
To be quite honest, this was too much to ask. I have my own life and I can’t always be at her beck and call, I was fine reading the novel, but I’m just not that into fantasy stuff to cross-reference a language bank she created, it’s just all a bit dorky for me.
I did offer some advice on avoiding purple prose, shortening and making the descriptions a bit more concise to spend some time more on elucidating the mental state of the characters, but she really didn’t want to hear it and is now acting kind of weird.
I feel like I wasted my time giving feedback to someone who didn’t appreciate it or say thanks, so should I have just told her what she wanted to hear instead?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ you judgemental tomato. >am more invested in writing mature coming-of-age family dramas that draw heavily from my personal experiences…my writing involves really deep and meaningful themes, You write the books everyone says they read, and leave them out on bookshelves and tables to impress other people.
Oddly, the spines are never broken, the pages never bent, the covers never scuffed and in a few years, they will be gathering dust in a used book store. My partner writes more “pulpy” fantasy/sci-fi fiction Your partner writes the books people read. As for Tolkien, I suggest you do a bit of reading yourself, writer-boy.
You’ll have to climb off your high horse first” the_owl_syndicate
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You sound very full of yourself and yes, extremely judgmental. Fellow writer here and I always find that the ones who position themselves as deep and meaningful are usually the worst writers because they are so freaking boring and don’t understand how people work.
Prepare yourself for your “silly” partner to be much more successful than you.” Squinky75
Another User Comments:
“YTJ because you sound like a snob. Not so much that you don’t want to read the novel. Honestly, though, she needs someone who likes fantasy to read her book.
The advice you are giving isn’t really useful because you aren’t the audience. Like, do you think LOTR and the Belgariad are similar? Most fantasy readers think the latter is easy reading pulp and the former is a classic. You are not knowledgeable enough to be a critic of her work.” mathwhilehigh1
11. AITJ For Questioning My Friend's Self-Proclaimed 'Severe Mental Illness'?
“For context, my friend and I have been best friends for almost a year.
We have both been through similar levels of trauma and hardship, so right off the bat there was a level of mutual understanding.
Ever since I’ve known her she has been apprehensive about getting a job, driving, etc. and is as a result pretty codependent on her husband.
She is a capable person who has had a job in the past but got comfortable with being a stay-at-home wife and her husband didn’t seem to mind. However, recently this has been causing strain and as a result, they have been going through financial hardship.
The pressure has been on for her to find a job, and since this has started I noticed her start to call herself “mentally ill” and use it as justification for not getting a job, driving, personal accountability, etc.
Now, last week I came to her for advice on how to handle a situation with a loved one who is experiencing a depression episode.
Within the context of her advice, she kept framing things as “us vs. you” and “here is what you need to understand about a person with depression” which I found slightly odd because I have gone through depression… but what rubbed me the wrong way is when she said something along the lines of “you need to understand that we are both severely mentally ill”
I asked her why she believed that she was “severely mentally ill” and said that I didn’t think my loved one viewed their struggles this way and probably wouldn’t like being called that… and she exploded. Inside, I was slightly concerned that she has started to view herself in this light and how defensive she is on this subject but I did not want to push it.
Said she needed some space. The next day rolled around and I told her that I was sorry if my asking why she felt severely mentally ill was offensive, that I genuinely did not want to hurt her feelings and that at the end of the day, I was not her and she knows her mental state better than anyone.
I told her that I didn’t want to talk about it anymore because I felt all that would do would worsen the situation… but that wasn’t good enough. She would swing between telling me she wanted to hear my perspective, to getting angry that I didn’t want to talk about it and simultaneously telling me I was shutting her down or pushing my views on her.
She started cursing me out and finally, we just agreed to stop talking.
We used to talk multiple times every day, and ever since then, we haven’t said a word to each other. I feel like I lost my best friend. AITJ? It feels like I did something wrong but I genuinely tried my best to remedy the situation while also showing concern…”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You’re right that your friend knows herself better than anyone else. There might be things she goes through that she’s not comfortable to share with others, even those closest to her. Maybe there’s some missing context she hasn’t let you see.
However, it sounds like you were asking from a place of genuine concern and curiosity about your friend’s well-being. I feel that your friend is overreacting probably because of her mental health issues. Maybe with enough time to cool off and think things over, she’ll come around and see that your question wasn’t meant to be an attack.” GratuitousSadism
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, the amount of people who just decide they have a ‘serious mental illness’ is astounding. Unfortunately, it is something that can be ‘put on’ so the person concerned no longer has to work and can claim state benefits. I think most people suffer some sort of mental illness, but there is a massive spectrum” Plane-Foot-1489
10. AITJ For Telling My Disrespectful Mother She May Not Meet My Child?
“Me (19/M) and my partner (21/non-binary) found out that we were expecting a few months back. While it was a mistake we’re both happy about it and prepared to make the sacrifices necessary. Quite literally everyone in both of our families has had kids at the same age or younger.
My partner’s family has offered us nothing but support, giving us supplies, offering us advice, etc. When I told my family (due to fear I didn’t tell them till a few months later) they were not so supportive. They’ve done nothing but tell me how messed up I am.
Not only that but my mother has been talking non-stop negatively about my partner just bc of their gender identity. She’s just decided that she dislikes my partner, for no good reason. She would be justified in saying that we’re too young but she had my older sister at 15 and me at 21 so she has no room to comment on that.
I left home at 17 bc of my abusive stepdad. My mother to this day continues to deny that I was ever mistreated and any time I bring it up she says it was my fault.
I also recently found out that she had lied to me my whole life about my grandmother on my dad’s side being a horrible person.
I got to reconnect with her just last week and learned that was entirely a load of nonsense. And also learned about a plethora of other things my mother has lied about over the years.
Now I never expected a good reaction about the situation from my family but what I got was so much worse.
And especially with everything I know now about the nonsense my moms done on top of the nonsense I already had dealt with from her and her husband, I’m just tired of it. I had hoped to get some support from my mom bc she does make quite a bit of income, but now she’s stopped helping me in even the small ways she was before.
The last time I saw my mother in person I was finally able to put my foot down in at least one area. I told her that if she doesn’t learn to respect my partner’s identity she may not be able to see my kid, bc I cannot let her teach our child that their parent’s identity is wrong.
This of course made her cry and I’m sure she went off to talk plenty of negatively about me to whoever. I’ve tried to forgive her for what she’s done to me but she still can’t even admit that did anything wrong.
And there’s so much more I’d like her to admit and apologize for and if she’s not even willing to give my partner some basic respect I don’t think I want her to meet the child at all.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ- I once had a mentor in my life who used to say, it is always important for mothers of the dad to befriend their partners because they are the gatekeepers to the children. It’s just straight-up common sense to respect both of your grandchildren’s parents in this type of situation.
She doesn’t have to like them, she doesn’t have to love them, but she needs to play nice, be respectful, and be supportive of both parent/child relationships if she wants a relationship with her grandchildren.” ChakraMama318
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think you’re too forgiving.
Your mother would try to poison your child against your partner. Let her cry. She sounds horrid. I’d keep my whole little family away, and go to NC. Congratulations on the baby. Be happy with those who care. Let the rest go.” HotDonnaC
Another User Comments:
” NTJ but this is too much toxicity to have a relationship. Being with your mother is like drinking poison EVERY TIME. She lets you be mistreated and refuses to acknowledge it(is she still married to this prize?). She demeans and diminishes your identity and your SO’s identity.
If you can, get some counselling so you stop subjecting yourself(and those closest to you) to her toxicity.” MountainMidnight9400
And, as much as I hate to say this, you're going to have to get used to the idea of cutting her off permanently if you ever hope to be happy and comfortable in a relationship. Narcissists don't change, because they don't think they need to. They're always right about everything, and if you don't buy into their delusions and agree with them, you're horrible and an enemy and therefore to be punished. If you call them out on their lies, they claim they didn't lie. Then, they'll claim they did lie, but it isn't their fault. And even if it is their fault, you're still to blame because it just wasn't that big a deal. And if it was that big a deal, then you're still at fault because other people have survived a lot worse than that, so you should just shut up about it. I got so sick of my mother's cr@p that I started calling her out every time she lied or was just downright nasty for sport, another game she loved to play. She slowed down a bit, but nothing ever really changed. But you know what a narcissist really, REALLY hates? Seeing other people happy. Because they're so unhappy (never mind it's their own fault, but whatever), the sight of other people being happy and content with their lives just drives them out of their minds and the abuse increases exponentially. That's why you being happy with your partner and your impending parenthood is driving her nuts, but it's also your best revenge against her. Once you put your foot down and insist on her respecting you and your choices, she'll cry crocodile tears and then avoid you, because she can't bully you anymore. She'll probably go no contact, too, but not to worry - as soon as she thinks she can make you feel bad again, she'll be back in touch. Just continue to tell her how happy you are and how wonderful your partner/baby/life is, and she'll disappear again. Good luck.
9. AITJ For Telling My Friend's Partner To Stop Pushing Her Beliefs On Me?
“My (24m) best friend Lewis (24m) has a super weird partner, not just in the way she acts but her whole personality too. She believes in tarot cards, palmistry, crystal energy and all that sort of crazy stuff.
He started to bring her to group meetups & she seemed like a relatively chill person, she was just chatting and having a good time. One time when I was at Lewis’ house though she started to ask me what my zodiac sign was & told me what crystals “match my energy”.
There was another time when one of our other friends was going through a breakup, and she just straight up said to him “I guess that’s what happens when a Virgo dates an Aries”.
It’s just my personal opinion that anyone who believes in this stuff probably has a screw loose up there.
But I didn’t say anything cause that’s his partner. She started to talk about this nonsense more and more.
I invited Lewis round to my house one day and when he arrived his partner was there too. I wasn’t rude or anything, but also wasn’t super friendly to her because I didn’t even invite her.
For a while, we were watching a movie until she pulled out a pack of those tarot cards.
She started telling me that she wanted to give me a reading, and I said no thanks. But she started pushing saying that she just wanted to see what my reading came out as.
I think the fact that this was in MY house and that I hadn’t even invited her made me fly off the handle, and I ended up saying loud, but not shouting at all, “I have a reading for you: stop with this nonsense and get real”.
She asked if I was being serious and Lewis thought I was joking. I kept a straight face and said I wasn’t, and that I was fed up with all this psycho nonsense. His partner started crying & calling me names and Lewis said “Why are you being such a jerk” before leaving.
A few other friends who know us all have agreed with me, saying that she tries to push that nonsense on anyone and they’re fed up too. But some others say that I should have just let her do it to get it over and done with.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – In general, your spirituality and beliefs should be kept to yourself, or amongst those with similar beliefs. Imagine if she was a Scientologist and kept whipping out those personality tests during group hang-outs, she would be the jerk. It’s the same thing.
If a Mormon refused to leave your doorstep after you said ‘no’, you would be in your right to curse, swear, and insult them. Her pushing you to participate in her spiritual beliefs against your will deserved the same treatment.” Impossible_Rain_4727
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. She should have accepted a no from the outset, then none of this would have happened. But you also clearly have an extreme dislike for her that isn’t supported by anything she’d done wrong before that. That clouded your opinion and how you reacted. And to be clear whether you were wrong or right, consider that you’ve probably lost Lewis as a friend for at least a little while.” Huge_Researcher7679
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You told her no more than once. If a guy asks a girl out and she says No, we should not encourage him to keep asking. if a stranger asks you to come to his church and you say No, we shouldn’t be fine with strangers to keep asking.
No means No. You could have been more kind, but your best friend should have told her to knock this nonsense off. Also, would all the people voting YTJ say the same if she was bringing a Bible out and wanting to read to him?” TaratronHex
8. AITJ For Being Accused of Setting Up My Cousin and Brother-In-Law Despite Proving My Innocence?
“My in-laws are determined to make me the bad guy, and I just do not see it that way.
Backstory: My little cousin (Carlene) and my brother-in-law (Roan) are the same age (21). My husband (Bill) gave his brother my other cousin’s (Carlene’s little sister) XBOX gamer tag thing so they could play video games together.
I was not involved because my in-laws have made it VERY clear they do not want us to set up Roan with ANYONE. Even though he is 21 years old. He still lives at home, so they are very controlling. Roan ended up getting Carlene’s Snapchat info through her little sister and has been talking to her.
I told my in-laws about this so that they knew I was not involved.
Fast forward to July. Roan and Carlene both have birthdays in late July. I invited Carlene and her two sisters to my house for a movie night. She does not end up coming.
My husband got a phone call from his dad saying that Roan told my in-laws that I had invited Roan and Carlene to my house for a sleepover when my husband was not going to be home (for their birthday). This is simply not true.
My FIL told my husband to “talk to your wife and figure out the truth” as though I was lying. I told them I had my text messages between myself and Roan and all I said was “Happy Birthday” and he replied “Thank you” They kept asking my husband “Have you seen those messages?
Is that true?” and implied that I am a liar even though I have given them NO reason to think that. We told them to talk to Roan and find out why he would make that up and get back to us.
Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago.
We never heard back from them. My MIL texts my husband guilt tripping him and saying “I can’t believe you haven’t spoken to your father in over 3 months” and saying “You guys need to meet to talk about this in person” My husband told her that his dad can reach out to him at any time if they want to resolve this.
My husband texted his dad last night saying “My wife and I are available if you would like a phone call to settle this.” To which FIL replied “I would prefer if only you and I discussed this in person as the men of the house and our wives obey our decisions as that’s what is said in the bible.
Women are too emotional and dramatic to be involved.” My husband said “As the ‘man of the household’, I will be standing up for my wife since she did nothing wrong, and she deserves an apology.” To which FIL said we weren’t right to “demand” an apology, which we did not.
If they do not want to apologize, we don’t have to talk.
Am I in the wrong here? I didn’t do anything. But with the holidays coming up, I don’t want to be the reason my husband doesn’t see his family.
He is just as mad as I am, but still…”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s funny how your FIL says women are too emotional and dramatic to be involved, but then proceeds to be overly dramatic and emotional about the situation.” MildBabyFacedAssasin
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – the fact that they asked for your messages and not Roans is ridiculous? Also, has your husband ever had a conversation about how his parents treat other people what the jerk is this entitlement?!” EnergyAbject8923
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What a mess! It doesn’t sound like your husband would be missing out on anything if he doesn’t see these people.
Strangers would treat each other with more respect than they have shown you. It seems like all they bring to your life is lies, disrespect, and drama that you didn’t start. Who needs that?” chart1961
7. AITJ For Kicking Out My Roommate's Partner Who Overstayed His Welcome?
“R1 (23), R2 (21), and I (21) have been living together for a year.
There were no major problems before but we recently moved apartments and have had issues. We were between two places and picked our current one after much campaigning from R1. When moving, R1 didn’t help and confessed to me that they didn’t like the place.
This comment upset me and I decided to visit my family for a while to calm down. Around the two-week mark, R2 informed me that R1 had been letting people into my room. R2 thought I knew because R1 lied and said they had my permission.
After some conversation, we discovered a few things:
1. R1 essentially moved their partner in without our consent.
2. R1 let guests, including their partner, enter R2’s room without consent (the access to the patio is through R2’s room). R1’s partner rummaged through R2’s room.
He’s also one of the people who slept on my bed.
3. R1’s partner began using my room as if it were his own.
4. R1 had guests over for 9 days straight without prior notice to R2. One of those guests also slept in my bed. In total, strangers have slept on my bed more than I have.
5. R1’s partner invited his brother to stay at our place without asking R2. R2 only found out because R1 and their partner were making plans in front of them. When asked, R1’s partner said “Oh right, I forgot you lived here too.” He only texted me asking if his brother could use my room after R2 insisted he ask, to which I said no.
6. R1’s partner makes critical comments toward R2. (He’s an “umm… ACTUALLY!” type of guy). He also acts genuinely surprised whenever R2 is at the apartment.
7. R1 took R2’s air mattress and let their friends borrow it without permission. R1 didn’t tell R2 they had loaned it out until R2 asked where it was.
8. R2 and I found out that R1 had been lying about their share of rent. When we signed last year, we split evenly. However, in the first month, R1 told R2 that I agreed for R1 to pay less in rent, making R2 take up the extra charge.
On the other hand, R1 told me that R2 agreed that R1 could pay less rent in exchange for chores. I want to say this is a misunderstanding but I don’t see how because I wouldn’t throw an extra charge at someone without a discussion and R2 would (and did) take up the extra charge without demanding chores.
However, R1 rarely helps clean despite what R1 told me.
9. R1 doesn’t do any chores around the house and instead makes their partner do it. This is at most taking out the trash and running the dishwasher. R1 also moved the cleaning supplies without asking R2 to an area only R1’s partner could reach.
Eventually, R2 asked for R1’s partner to be over less. R2 argued, “This wasn’t a problem before” (he was not staying over every single day before) and “He’s here because I’m sad, lonely, and unemployed.” R2 put their foot down and R1 has been ignoring R2 since.
We’ll sit down and talk when I’m back next week since I have my issues with them for letting random people sleep on my bed.
AWTJ for kicking the partner out of our apartment?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! This is ridiculous, they’re both taking advantage of you and the other roommate.
Check your lease; having people who aren’t leasing occupy the premises that long might be a violation of the lease.” Dizzy-Ad-Throwaway
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. R1 is awful! Straight up lying to both roommates and now you’re stuck in a new lease. Is there a lock on your bedroom door?
You need to get locks on your doors so nobody can go into your bedroom when you’re not home. R1 needs to stop lying and start cleaning, partner needs to stay away. R1 also needs to get a job. Partner isn’t their emotional support animal. Kick partner out and if you can sublease do so and find another place to live.” Emotional_Bonus_934
Another User Comments:
“NTJ R1 needs to move out. They are lying, stealing and using your rooms and belongings. Taking liberties in a space that is not only theirs. Call your landlord if needed, no way would a landlord want to have the issues on their hands this dynamic creates.” JackedLilJill
6. AITJ For Going On A Planned Trip Alone After My Friend Backed Out?
“Me and my best friend are in college years. She gave up on her studies during this summer and decided she wanted to find a job and travel the world. Uni being hard on me, I decided to take a year off to rest a bit.
Seeing that we both had free time and wanted to travel, we decided to plan something together. She wanted to do wwoofing (when you go to a farm to help and in exchange, they give you a free room and feed you) in Japan and since Japan is my dream country, I was super hyped to go with her.
I didn’t want to do wwoofing so we just planned the first two weeks together to visit Tokyo and Osaka, then she would go her own way to her wwoofing and I planned for myself a trip to many different cities all around the country.
So at first, it was her idea and I just joined the trip to go with her because she speaks good Japanese and it would be so cool to travel with her.
I already had a job when she suggested the idea so I could easily save money and even made many extra hours during the summer to save money for the trip.
Since my birthday was in October and we planned to go in November, I asked my family to give me money for my trip and no other gifts. I saved enough to buy a plane ticket, book all my hotels and have enough money to enjoy there.
My friend, on the other hand, struggled a lot to find a job and faced many family issues that distracted her from finding a job and focusing on saving money for her trip. Plus it’s a known fact between us that she’s not good at saving money but I knew she would try her best for the trip.
She started responding less often to my texts and when I would ask if she had her plane tickets or if she could send me the money for the hotel reservations, she would not answer at all which got me worried for her and our trip.
Yesterday she finally answered saying that she was sorry for not answering because she was in a very bad place mentally and told me it would be really hard for her to come to the trip we planned. I asked her why because I was worried about her and she changed the subject immediately.
Now I’m worried that it would be selfish of me to go anyway, even without her when it was her idea and I know how much she wanted to go, and I am scared that my going could change our relationship, since she seems not open to talk about that at all.
So Would I Be The Jerk for going on the trip alone without her?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ it’s not your fault that she is in this bad place and it doesn’t matter if it’s her fault either. Still, it could change your relationship, but things like that are what adults have to live through.
Missing out on self-earned chances to make others feel better about themselves is not the way to go in life for one obvious reason: If she is your friend, being happy for you should be her priority and make her feel better, not worse. It’s a lot to ask from a young girl in her situation but it’s just how it is.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here: Maybe you are leaving something out but it seems to me like this is all in your head and your friend doesn’t have a problem with you going on the trip by yourself. My experience is I’m generally more upset when a friend bails on plans with me and I can’t think of a time when I’ve been upset with a friend for going on to do something we planned to do together if I can’t make it so if anyone has a right to be upset in this situation I would say it was you.” Kerplunk
5. AITJ For Snooping On My Partner's Online Activities After He Broke My Trust?
“I (33m) have been with my partner (29m) for almost 2 years. We had very different childhoods which have developed into different feelings and opinions on intimacy. For example, I am more traditional when it comes to intimacy and am not comfortable with an open relationship.
He, on the other hand, has a much more free opinion of intimacy and has a specific “public exposure” kink. I have grown to a point where that doesn’t bother me and he will frequently drive home from work in varying levels of undress. It took some serious effort on my part to get to that point due to multiple instances of blatant dishonesty in several of my previous relationships.
Needless to say, I’m a tad untrusting, but I have worked hard over the past few years to undo that damage and not allow it to affect my current relationship.
Back in May, I discovered by accident (I saw a notification on his lock screen while cleaning) that he had an account on an inappropriate website.
He had posted photos of himself on the website and had chatted with different profiles over a few months. I was upset and hurt – not so much what he had done, but that he had done it behind my back. We had a pretty nasty fight about it, and I explained to him that I wouldn’t ever want him to hide a part of himself.
If this was a need of his, then I wanted to understand it and support him in it, but in return, I asked him to not do it behind my back. I don’t feel that asking him to not share photos of himself publicly without us talking about it first was an unreasonable request. He agreed that we would talk about it going forward, and understood that some trust had been broken between us and that it would take some time before I could get to a point of being comfortable with it at all.
Fast forward to today when I, on a heavy gut feeling, opened up his iPad and went through his Google tabs. I discovered that he had created a new account on many inappropriate websites. So, a complete repeat of what happened a few months ago.
I feel incredibly disrespected that after I communicated to him how the secrecy made me feel, he decided to do it again on two different sites.
I’m feeling angry and hurt again for obvious reasons, but am unsure if I am the jerk for going through his phone in the first place?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your partner did exactly what he said he wouldn’t do. You need to seriously assess if this relationship is going to work. Having different views on intimacy and monogamy isn’t a tiny thing you can work through. It’s a fundamental difference.
He’s unable to be entirely monogamous. This is a ticking time bomb. Either you get comfortable with an open relationship, or he is dishonest. He will not suddenly decide to be monogamous – we know that he’s done this twice.” Ok_Smile9222
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here. Him for being dishonest and you for snooping. It blows my mind often people ask this same question here. Email, social media, phone, computer, letters, etc….. You are not allowed to go through ANY of these things without someone’s permission.” SigSauerPower320
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here — you breached his privacy and he broke the trust even after agreeing to be open with these things. it sucks to say this, but I think it would be right for you to come clean and say “Hey I was dishonest and invaded your privacy when I shouldn’t have” or something along those lines.
don’t blame him for your actions, but you can still make it clear that you had suspicions and wanted answers, albeit you went about it the wrong way. hopefully, you two can work this out as the whole situation is pretty unfortunate. good luck!” leeseri
And I don't think you are a jerk for going through his Google tabs and finding evidence that he broke his word and your trust yet again. I think people like your partner deliberately leave their electronics out, wanting to confess without confessing what they're doing behind your back. Otherwise, why leave it out? And unlocked?
Please dump this lying @$$hole. Cheaters gonna jerk. They don't change. Find someone else worthy of your trust and affections. Good luck.
4. AITJ For Asking My Parents To Delay Their Visit After My Child's Birth?
“I (38f) and my husband (33m) are expecting our first child any day now. My relationship with my parents is rocky, to say the least. Now it so happens that this child will be the first grandchild for my parents and they are very excited. They live out of town but ever since we informed them about my pregnancy, they have wanted to be involved and have wanted to move to our city so that they can spend time with the child.
They have used the pretext that staying with us would be helpful to us but from experience I know that will never be the case. My parents are constantly bickering with each other and my father is a typical man’s man he expects women to do everything for him.
I also have a dog who is an escape artist and in the past whenever my parents have visited, they have left the front door open and my dog has escaped the house. I am worried that with a newborn and me recovering from childbirth myself, I will be unable to keep a watch on my dog and ensure they do not leave the door open.
My parents also do not realize the extent to which they inconvenience everyone around them and I know they will use their stay as a vacation asking my husband to drive them to and from friend’s and relative’s houses and will also invite their friends and relatives to visit their newborn grandchild.
Both my husband and I had made subtle requests to them to not visit us till after the baby was born but they booked tickets for the 4th of October. They turned up at our house on the very first day and stayed for dinner.
The very next day they called up my husband and asked him to drive to where they are living at present to come and pick them up to come visit us again. All this knowing that I am due any day and that we are both still working.
I have requested them to not come to the hospital but I know for a fact that they will still visit. I was diagnosed with issues related to high blood pressure about two weeks ago and my doctor has informed me that it could be life-threatening for me and the baby.
I am on medication to lower it, which has been helping but yesterday after my parents visited, my blood pressure spiked and we had to rush to the hospital. We are back home now but I am dreading them visiting and turning up announced at my house or the hospital. So WIBTJ if I told them in no uncertain terms to NOT visit us till we invite them over and make it clear that it will be at home and only in November when the baby will be at least a couple weeks old?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You should be very clear with them about your boundaries: do NOT come over unless invited. If they show up unannounced, do not answer the door. Do not give them rides anywhere. You need to start upholding your boundaries and stop caving in to their requests.
Also, tell the hospital staff that they are not allowed to see you, or whatever you decide you want there. They will be able to help uphold boundaries for you.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – having your parents would be detrimental to your health, the health of the baby, and your eventual recovery after childbirth.
I do not doubt that your parents will make an incredibly large fuss about not being able to bond with the baby, but they will have plenty of time, at a future date OF YOUR CHOOSING, to visit little bobblehead Recovering from childbirth is hard enough, without the added stress of catering to your parents AND watching out for your escape artist pooch.
Congrats on the impending birth.” toosheeptheorist
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but if you don’t firmly stop it now, they will ruin this entire experience, endanger your and baby’s health (clearly already close with the BP spike), and make y’all miserable. Honestly give them 6 to 8 weeks before they’re allowed to visit.
Good luck and congrats on the growing family.” IslandChill_420-024
3. AITJ For Starting A Fight When My Partner Snooped Through My Phone?
“I (26 M) have been seeing my partner (24 F) for 3 years. We know each other from college and share the same friend group. One of our common friends “Joe” has been going through relationship problems recently, and texting me a lot for the last couple of weeks.
He swore me to secrecy to not to say anything to anyone, specifically to my partner, as his partner is also in our common friend circle and the gossip circulates fast in our group.
My partner has a habit of picking up my phone randomly when hers is not available to check random stuff (charging, or in another room).
I don’t love it, and I have told her I don’t love it. But I also never firmly asked her not to do it as I know she doesn’t do it with a bad intention. I don’t have anything to hide, I just like having some privacy.
She again picked it up like a week ago while I was cooking, to check the weather forecast (we were discussing plans). I remembered I was expecting a reply from Joe and panicked and snatched my phone back. I told her I was a bit uncomfortable with her looking at my phone without asking me first. And asked her to please check with me first before using my phone from now on.
She shrugged her shoulders, and acted cold for 10 minutes then everything returned to normal. I thought that was it.
As you can guess from the title, I caught her last night snooping on my phone. I left it in the charger while I took my shower.
She panicked and tried to hide the phone away when I entered the bedroom, which made everything look even worse. We had a huge fight, and she said she “knows” I was being unfaithful to her, there was no reason to hide. I guess she didn’t have time to read Joe’s messages to put the pieces together, and she tried to bluff.
I got even angrier. It turned into a shouting match and I didn’t explain Joe’s situation as I still want to respect his privacy and I feel like I don’t owe her any explanation on why I deserve basic privacy. She left for her own house in the middle of the night and neither of us reached the other one yet.
On the one hand, she breached my trust, and I don’t know if I can ever forgive her. On the other hand, I can see how her mind jumped to conclusions, and maybe I should be the one reaching out. But I still feel like it’s not justifiable to resolve suspicions like this in a 3-year-old relationship.
I can’t get advice from any of our friends since I can’t share the info on Joe with them. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Not sure how it could be otherwise. You told her not to go through your phone, and she did. Doesn’t matter if she thought you were secretly an alien, doesn’t matter if she thought you were being unfaithful.
You *should* have talked to her about it and explained at least a bit, why. But you don’t *owe* anyone that. Particularly someone who doesn’t trust you whatsoever. A big fight over keeping secrets is a fight a relationship can survive, with communication. But I would no longer trust this person who has broken your trust deliberately, that would potentially be the end of the relationship.” FacetiousTomato
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but give her some leeway mate, when your partner starts getting secretive and protective of their phone it is one of the largest red flags you could see. just tell her that you promised your friend not to share – that much you should be able to tell her without betraying your friend’s trust. yes, it sucks that she breached your privacy but id say if the roles were reversed, id also think you have good grounds for snooping.
She was probably checking your chats with other women” Traditional-Trade795
Another User Comments:
“Ntj. You have repeatedly told her you didn’t like her doing it yet she felt the need to do it anyway. Then uses it as an excuse for getting caught going behind your back when you told her not to do it.
It’s blatant disrespect. Let her stew, talk to your friend who has been having issues and see if after a bit having him explain that it was him you were talking to about private issues. She will feel like a jerk or double down on her gaslighting crap.
Her reaction will decide for you. She feels bad and apologizes it’s all good as long as she knows if it happens again it’s over. If she doubles down then she doesn’t respect you and you find someone better.” Cooterhawk
2. AITJ For Refusing To Pay For My Sister's Concert Ticket After She Spread Rumors About Me?
“My sister and I have always been two peas in a pod or so I thought. We did almost every single thing together.
For some context, I have been single for a bit and recently thought of using an online platform to get out there.
I ended up meeting this guy who is very charming and hilarious. We would talk almost every single day to get to know each other. We found that we both love horror films and decided to watch the new Exorcist movie that came out. I didn’t realize right away that my sister and her partner also went to the same movie.
I only noticed when I got up to use the restroom that they were sitting a few seats behind me, and were trying to hide! Hide like I don’t know who they are.
I did my best to brush it off and continue with my date.
It was perfect, I enjoyed it and even planned another date soon to the corn maze with him.
Well, it would not last as the next day was full of drama, anyone who could hear or listen was being told that I was behaving promiscuously.
I was told that my very own sister was saying that I was behaving indecently with my date at the back of the theatre. For context, I work at said theatre as a manager. So for her to tell the staff that they wouldn’t want to go in to clean the auditorium right away cause a couple was behaving indecently in there.
It has caused some problems with my work staff treating me differently too and my boss has a talk with me about what may have taken place.
I don’t know why she would do such a thing. I barely even kissed him at the point we parted ways after the movie.
It was just a slap in the face. I have tried to confront her but it ends with her screaming and acting like I have hurt her. She knows I am uncomfortable with intimacy due to my experience. I was so angry and filled with rage that she did this.
I did message her that if she and her partner want to see Papa Roach then they have to buy the tickets from this woman cause I refuse to pay for disrespectful jerks.
It has been even more tense since my own family thinks that I have gone too far in not letting her attend the concert with me as I have everyone’s tickets.
(I bought them all cause I wanted to go as a family). I felt like she was not even my sister anymore. I have been doing a lot of thinking about what even happened for this to all blow up like it did when we were fine hours before that date.
I just don’t know how to process any of this. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. That would be completely unacceptable if you were a stranger at the theatre, but ten times worse given that you’re an employee. Your sister sabotaged you. Paying for her concert ticket is the last thing you should be doing.
I wouldn’t even sell the ticket to her at all!” Rabbity-Babbity
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s your ticket. And congrats for not murdering your sister. You’re my hero of the day. This is not unrecoverable. You two are going to have a private sit-down and hear each other out.
Yes, you, too.” MinorIrritant
1. AITJ For Refusing To Detour To Give My Husband His Keys?
“My (25f) husband (39m) is extremely disorganized. I have a feeling it is some undiagnosed ADHD because he specifically cannot keep up with his phone, keys, or wallet. Otherwise, he is generally put together.
We had a babysitter scheduled for 9:00 am, I had a cycle class at 9:30, and he had an important business meeting at 9:00.
So we decided I could take the kids to our sitter, which would be cutting it close because the cycle studio is almost exactly 30 minutes away. I figured I would throw my children into the sitter’s arms and bolt because my cycle studio locks the doors ~5 minutes after start time.
About 10 minutes after I left the house to go drop off the kids with the sitter, I got a call from my husband saying his keys were in the car I took, and I needed to stop and meet him. I tell him no, and explain that I will be late.
He insists, because he cannot get into the building for his meeting without them, and no one else has to be there when he does, so no one will be there to let him in. I tell him I will leave them with the sitter and he can get them from her because I cannot make a detour.
He gets mad, says that will make him 20+ minutes late, and hangs up.
After a few minutes of driving and chewing on the situation, I decided to just leave the keys at his business because it’s only about a five-minute detour, rather than waiting on him on the side of the road (he was running late, and this was the best option for us both to save time).
I called him back and told him my plan. He agrees that would be best for both of our schedules. Here is where I will admit I am the jerk: I passed him on the road after dropping his keys off at his business and flipped him off.
He calls me laughing asking if I flipped him off and I said I did. He then goes off about how my hobby isn’t as important as his business, I’m selfish, and I won’t be late. I explained to him that this cycling class was one of the only things keeping me from going back on antidepressants because of my bad job and a touch of postpartum depression.
We hang up.
I was five minutes late, but I wouldn’t have been if I had not had to detour for his keys. Luckily for him, the class was cancelled and I hadn’t realized, otherwise, I probably would not have made it before the doors were locked. So overall, he was spared my wrath from missing class.
I called to tell him as much, and he genuinely doesn’t care. He is completely apathetic and even still insists that I am selfish and wrong for not wanting to wait to bring him his keys. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – He has a habit of misplacing things.
Knowing this, and knowing how important his meeting was – why didn’t he make sure he knew where everything he needed was the night before? He is an adult. He needs to take responsibility for managing his things AND he needs to take responsibility when his mistakes impact others.” Forward_Squirrel8879
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The situation isn’t that your hobby is more important than his career, it is that your hobby is more important than him not being careless with important belongings. There can be an impact on his career because of this carelessness but he’s not bothered or he would do something about it (including seeking medical help if it is some type of neurodiversity such as ADHD) I mean, flipping him off isn’t great but you’ve acknowledged that and sometimes people need a clear message so I’m letting that slide.
Hope your health is doing OK.” UnionHughnion
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. My wife forgets her phone everywhere we go. And can’t tell you how many times we have been late because of this, or how many times I have had to turn the car around, etc… It’s annoying as anything.
I certainly give her grief about it. But I still go out of my way to help her… she is my wife… don’t you think you should feel the same? I have my issues that she hates. And yes business meeting is more important than cycling class.
Unless the finger was a joke, and he took it as such. Then are an even bigger jerk. Could you imagine a man saying all this stuff about his wife on here… y’all would eat him alive.” [deleted]
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