People Demand Answers From Us Regarding Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories

When people praise us for doing something commendable, it gives us fulfilment, but when they criticize us for something we didn't mean to come off as insulting, it can be upsetting. Here are several stories from folks who claim they did nothing wrong yet still received nasty comments from others. Tell us who you think is the real jerk as you read on. AITJ = Am I the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk YTJ = You're the jerk WIBTJ = Would I be the jerk? EHS = Everyone here sucks

17. AITJ For Joking About My Wife's Application?


“I’m a 33-year-old man and my wife is 27.

Since the start of our relationship, my wife has been very particular about how things get done and tend to believe that she knows the one true correct way for anything related to anything. She has admitted that she can be a control freak.

While this bothers me, it has never been a true dealbreaker in our relationship.

Very often when I do just about anything, whether it be a household chore, assembling a piece of furniture, taking a picture, or writing a presentation for work (in a field where I have a master’s degree and she has no formal education), she’ll do this thing where she’ll condescendingly say ‘You were so close to getting it right,’ really drawing out the ‘so close’ part.

I’ve told her dozens of times that I’d prefer for her to stop because it sounds so condescending, but she insists that she’s complimenting me.

I do the dishes and place them out to dry in an orientation she doesn’t approve of.

‘You were so close.

Next time, put them that way.’

I take a picture of her?

‘You were so close. Next time, angle the camera this way.’

I complete a project at work and show her the results.

‘You were so close. Next time, write it this way.’

For the last two months, my wife has been undergoing an intensive hiring process for a job in our city. She works in a high-niche field and seldom finds job openings, and therefore she was ecstatic to have the opportunity for a relatively well-paying job doing what she wants to do.

She got to the very final stage where the company was considering two people, coincidentally the other of whom was her college roommate. Well, on Friday she got ‘the call’ telling her thanks for her application but blah blah blah, record on file, all that jazz.

My wife came to me crying. I immediately comforted her and ‘You were so close’ blurted out. Her head whipped up, and she asked what I meant by that. I said she was so close to getting the job but was just a bit off.

She immediately walked out to stay at her friend’s house, where she is currently sulking. She finally sent me a text this afternoon calling me a huge jerk.

Was I unnecessarily being a jerk here?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, since she does the exact same thing.

She knows she’s being condescending and NOT a compliment; that’s why she’s offended.

But seriously, you both need to sit down and talk about her word choice. Her intentions don’t matter as much as how you take them. ‘So close’ means ‘not good enough.’ Period.

She’s telling you that whatever you did – regardless of how insignificant the task was or how little she herself knows about the subject – wasn’t good enough and that she knows better, and you must learn from her. That’s insulting. She needs to stop.” penpapercats

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – you used the words that she with her own words said are a compliment. Then why isn’t she accepting the compliment? Maybe because she never ever self-used them as a compliment. You guys need marriage counseling yesterday! You have developed a very toxic atmosphere and I hope you still can salvage it.

It is your wife that has the most serious issues but you should not accept her condescending crap either.” User

Another User Comments:

“I’m going with NTJ only because you’ve asked her before to not say it to you as it sounds condescending and she explained that her intention is to compliment you.

So if you were intending to use her own use of the phrase, you would’ve been giving her a compliment and she’d have taken it as such. Since she took it negatively, I guess now you know she intends it as an insult when she says it to you.

All that said it really does depend on what your true intentions were with saying it to her and only you know that answer.” melsywelsy

5 points - Liked by lebe, Turtlelover60, LizzieTX and 2 more

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hocu 1 year ago
Your wife is a jerk. Your ok. Maybe show her this thread perhaps she will then see that she is in the wrong. She is probably very insecure and it makes her feel better to knock other ppl down. It makes her feel temporarily superior. She probably has an inferiority complex. She should work on it. I'm sorry your her victim however ppl treat you the way you allow. This behavior is toxic to both of you. Hopefully you guys can grow past this, perhaps that will take professional intervention. Good luck.
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16. AITJ For Arguing With My Fiancé's Mother?


“I have a half-sister, Allie (30f). She lost her mom when she was 5 or 6 and our dad met my mom very soon after and my mom decided she was going to be Allie’s new mom. Our dad wanted that too. Allie hated them for it.

She hated that my mom was quick to tell her to call her mom and that she was told off for bringing up her mom, and saying she wished she had her instead of my mom. Allie was 8 when I was born and Allie hated me too.

She hated us all. It was a very difficult childhood for both of us. Her because she had my mom pushing herself onto her and because she lost her mom and me because my parents used me to try and make Allie see that she loved me.

I would be pushed to Allie and she would get angry. They would tell us both she loved me. They would dangle me in front of her, tell me to hug her, tell her that I was her sister, not half or anything else, but her sister, and they told her she was wrong for using half.

Even after she cut them off they never let up on me, saying Allie was my mom’s daughter and how awful she was. I reconnected with Allie when I was 18… it was super awkward, she didn’t want me, and she had no love for me.

But I told her we didn’t have to be sisters, we could be half-sisters, like we actually were and she could hate my mom, and tell me how awful she is and how she would love to see her die (she used to tell my mom she hoped she would be gone while I was young and dad would replace her too).

And we could talk about how awful our dad was.

We have a relationship today because of that.

My fiance also comes from a blended family. Though his was more successful. He has a full sister, a stepsister, and half-siblings. But they don’t use half/step.

Though sometimes my fiance has admitted he feels like they make sense for how he feels differently about different people. Especially his stepdad. His dad died when he and his sister were kids and his stepsister’s mom was never in her life.

So I have known my fiance’s family for a while.

They know the deal with me and Allie. My fiance’s mom does not like it when I talk about half in front of her family. But the half is vital for mine and Allie’s relationship and it’s true, it just is. We were having dinner with his family last weekend and the topic came up again.

His half-sister asked why I use half and she knows friends who do too but they’re told it’s a bad word. I told her it’s what works best for Allie and me. My fiance’s mom said it was not right, and said it shows a lack of respect and love.

I told her that’s how it works for some families, that we’re all different. She said there is no such thing as half. Family is family. I told her families look different. I told her step and half are not dirty words. Things got a little heated. I told her what works for her family does not work for mine.

We ended up leaving because things just kept going around and around and she was angry that I argued with her in front of her kids.


Another User Comments:

“NTJ for speaking the truth, that ‘what works for her family does not work for mine.’ because, while FMIL believes that ‘it shows a lack of respect and love,’ she’s wrong for the majority of blended families.

Forcing a relationship doesn’t work out well more often than not. It’s true in any human interaction involving autonomy and intimacy. Between forced intimacy and an individual’s autonomy, autonomy wins.

When you reached out to your half-sister with friendship and offered to use the correct term that indicates your biological relationship, you proved your respect for your half-sister’s boundaries.

After decades of being told that she was not allowed to feel the way she did and that she was a bad person for feeling that way, your half-sister must have finally felt like someone heard her and respected her point of view.” DWYL_LoveWhatYouDo

Another User Comments:

“NTJ— I don’t think your finance’s mom has a right to tell you you’re not allowed to call Allie your half-sister. Allie is proof these forced intimacies cause resentment— your mom tried to force the kid to say her mom never existed and that’s cruel.

Your fiancé’s mom should get a huge ‘Love makes a family’ sign and tattoo and all that. But having fundamental dishonesty makes the family awful and likely to blow up one day. Is she going to call the school and complain that they can’t use the term half and step?

If there are kids in the family who find the half/step thing painful, like the birth parent abandoned them and this is their only family, they need to have a gentle conversation and probably an adoption to clear any confusion. My cousin calls her stepdad dad because he adopted her and doesn’t call her sister a half-sister for the same reason—the biological father was never around and clearing away half and step was a kindness.

If she said ‘is he my dad or my stepdad?’ they can give her an honest and loving answer.

But screaming at anyone for not keeping up this dishonesty, that’s a jerk thing to do to you and the kids.” Pumpkinkra

Another User Comments:

“NTJ because it really doesn’t matter whether you call each other ‘half’ or not, it’s how both of you treat each other that matters and if neither one of you mean anything negative towards each other by it and knows it, then it doesn’t matter how anyone else feels by it because they’re not personally affected.

With that said, I think your parents are jerks. You do not and cannot force parental and sibling bonds, they form organically. You especially do NOT do this with a grieving six-year-old who just lost her mother.

Any therapist on earth worth their salt would’ve told your father if he had asked or cared that your sister would need both time and space before even coming close to being able to bond and accept another maternal presence in her life and to move slowly when it came to any other major life changes for the sake of her emotional health.

Yet they forced her through two more in not even twenty-four months’ time.

This isn’t your fault, of course, but I’m not surprised that your sister hates both of them and was unable to bond with you during your childhoods because your parents sabotaged her from the start and set her up for a lifetime of resentment by not respecting or allowing her a reasonable amount of time to grieve her mother in a familiar and stable environment.

I’m glad you have a relationship and that you understand her resentment of your parents was non-negotiable. They more than earned it.” Minimum_Anywhere6742

4 points - Liked by Tinkerhel, lebe, Turtlelover60 and 1 more

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TeaLikeTheDrink 1 year ago
Dude, not only did you recognize her struggles, you made ammends. You told your truth and said it didn't have to be hers. She pushed it rather than let it lie after that. YOU did not argue with her, SHE attacked you for your family dynamic and you fought fire with fire. NTJ.
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15. AITJ For Not Letting A Friend-Of-A-Friend Borrow My Jacket?


“I (22F) am autistic, and my special interests are kind of childish – My Little Pony, Monster High, Ever After High, Disney, etc. I’m perfectly happy with this, but I have a friend (22F) ‘Gigi’ who often brings along one of her friends (22F) ‘Ivy’ when we hang out, and Ivy always makes very pointed comments about my interests and disability.

I’ve told her it hurts my feelings, but she doesn’t stop.

A month ago, I bought a bright red genuine leather jacket used, from Poshmark with the intention of altering it to look like a Monster High character’s jacket. (Holt Hyde’s, if anyone is wondering what it looks like.) When I told Gigi about it, I guess she told Ivy, who demanded to know what the brand was.

I told her, and she freaked out, saying I was insane to alter high-end clothes for my ‘creepy doll thing.’

So I got the jacket, altered it as planned, and it looks great. I wore it to hang out with my friends, and Ivy actually complimented it, asking where I got it.

I told her it was the jacket I’d altered, and she was shocked. She said she ‘thought you’d just butcher it’ and hadn’t thought it would ‘actually be cute.’

At the end of the night, when we were both slightly tipsy, Ivy pulled me aside and asked if she could borrow my jacket to wear to a concert.

I laughed in her face and told her there was no way on earth. She got really mad, but I refused. Now she’s talking about how tacky the jacket is and how I’m a ‘womanchild’ embarrassing myself with a ‘kid’s doll jacket.’ Gina told me I should have just let her borrow it, so I want an outside perspective.


Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Gigi isn’t your friend, OP. I want you to read that again and let it sink in. She brings a bully into your life and allows her to mock and hurt you and doesn’t stand up for you. Gigi is not your friend.

Neither of them is. Please find nicer people to spend time with and do not leave your jacket anywhere that they can get access to it. Ivy or Gigi will steal it, and they will never return it. I believe Ivy would ruin it out of spite.

There’s nothing shameful in having those interests. Everything made for ‘children’ is created by adults. Imagination and passion are the driving forces in life. You have both in spades, and you deserve better than the toxicity of those people. Try hitting up local craft groups to find others who will appreciate your obvious talents.” MindlessDoubt5380

Another User Comments:


Here’s some insight into their behavior.

Yes, some of these things are aimed at and designed for kids. What typically happens is those kids grow into teenagers who think they are now mature and adult — but aren’t. Teenagers are still developing and changing!

— and desperately want to be seen as adults. So to try to push that They Are Mature Adults Now And Should Be Treated As Such, they often turn on and attack ‘childish’ interests to make a big point of ‘I’m not a child anymore!’

But you know what? That’s still not adult behavior. That’s insecure, anxious teen behavior. You see the same thing in small children demanding that they aren’t a baby anymore and don’t need to nap or should get more cookies or not have to eat their broccoli because they are Big Kids Now!

(Note: yes, they still need naps, and no, they don’t get extra cookies or no broccoli.)

Maturity is accepting other people’s interests (as long as they’re not harmful) and finding that our differences and different interests are what make us interesting. Immaturity is desperately trying to imitate pack behavior for acceptance and attacking differences to try to show how much you are the in-group.

In short: they are the ones being immature and insecure. They’re acting like teenagers desperate to fit into the mean-girl pack.

Maybe they’ll grow up and out of it, but in the meantime, you don’t have to put up with it. Be yourself and find other more centered and secure adults who can enjoy life without needing to bolster their egos by tearing other people down.” quats5

Another User Comments:


As someone also on the spectrum, I know it can be hard to sort out people’s social rules and behavior. But I’ve had a few more decades to learn.

This ‘Ivy’ has repeatedly been rude and cruel to you, even after you’ve asked her to stop.

She insulted you and your ability to do creative work in almost the same breath that she then tried to get you to let her borrow it.

This is basically the same as ‘negging,’ and it is manipulative and cruel behavior.

You do not have to do nice things for people who are deliberately cruel to you.

That is not part of the normal social contract between people.

You are well within your rights to say you do not want to be around Ivy at all.” CoyoteConscious

4 points - Liked by LizzieTX, Turtlelover60, lebe and 1 more

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Kllswtch7 1 year ago
Listen to MindlessDoubt5380 because they said it perfectly. Ntj. Those peeps are not your friends. Neither one.
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14. WIBTJ If I Don't Babysit My Niece Ever Again?


“I have two half-sibling brothers, Four step-siblings from my mother’s previous marriage, and one step-sister from her current engagement.

About a week ago my oldest step-sister (from my mother’s previous marriage) asked me If I would babysit her three-year-old daughter. I have never met this kid before, so I figured it would be a great time to get to know my niece.

They told me they planned to go to a haunted house and she’s obviously too young to go, so I agreed thinking it would only be a few hours tops, and agreed to do it for free.

That was my first mistake. I live about 40 minutes away from her and her family so I drove there to pick up my niece and drove all the way back home. I had left around 5:50 pm and go there around 6:30 pm.

She was upset as we were driving so I decided to take her out to eat and buy her toys.

I don’t have children of my own so I take my chance to spoil the kids I babysit from time to time. Anyways after we ate and had bought some toys, we got to my apartment around 9 pm.

My partner was already asleep, so we kept out of the bedroom and stayed in the living room.

We played with her toys and colored and started watching the Incredibles 2 before the movie even ended she was asleep on the couch and it was 11 pm. I still hadn’t heard back from my sister on when they were gonna be home and I was getting kinda annoyed.

She didn’t message me until after midnight that I could bring her back. By this point, I’m upset and crying while taking her home because I didn’t get to take my anxiety meds (they make me sleepy) and I was in full-blown panic mode.

To make it worse, she was trying to guilt-trip me into keeping her overnight.

Now don’t get me wrong, I would of but she was only three and I didn’t wanna be responsible for a three-year-old when I had originally thought it would be maybe an hour or two.

When I finally got the go-ahead to bring her home, it was almost 1 am.

When I arrived, she was annoyed and hostile and quickly grabbed my niece and her stuff and walked away. She thanked me later as I was driving home and I just started crying.

I just wanted to be home, in bed with my partner but I was driving.

I arrived home at 2 am sobbing and I don’t think I can ever babysit my niece again. Don’t get me wrong, I love my niece but I felt taken advantage of and I don’t think I’ll ever babysit her again.

Would I be the jerk if I never babysat her again?

Edit: Her mom and my mom aren’t on good terms and being I’m my mom’s daughter, I didn’t feel comfortable staying at her house to babysit.

I was told she would be back before midnight but didn’t text me until after midnight.

I never met my niece because after the divorce of our parents, we didn’t really talk after that. So when she was born, I wasn’t around.

Had she asked me in advance and not after I’d picked up my niece, I would have been able to prepare just a bit beforehand and wouldn’t have freaked out.

I offered to drive her back bc she doesn’t have a car of her own and was being driven to the haunted house.

I have babysat children many times before just only once overnight and she was nine and able to get whatever she needed. I wasn’t prepared to have a three-year-old stay the night.”

Another User Comments:


This is insane. A three-year-old should not be put through this kind of crazy schedule. She should have had a babysitter at home, and the child been looked after with their normal food and bedtime schedule. Dumping a three-year-old on someone who’s never even met them before, a long drive, late at night, with no proper schedule, 6 hours past their bedtime in a strange house without any communication whatsoever, and then trying to get you to take the child overnight when you’re not in any way prepared or set up for a three-year-old!!

This is absolutely terrible parenting.

Definitely never babysit for her again. That poor kid.” AdrenalineAnxiety

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. This is the perfect time to straight up tell your stepsister that you don’t appreciate the way she took advantage of you, or her attitude when you refused to allow her to push babysitting for a few hours into a full night off for her, after already being rude enough to only contact you after midnight.

You won’t be babysitting for the foreseeable future and if you ever agree to do it again it will be with the understanding that she doesn’t mess you around and is grateful. If she’s not happy with any of that then she can lump a permanent ‘no’.” jwjnthrowawaykfeiofj

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. As someone who has been taken advantage of by family to babysit for WAY less than my family was paying other babysitters I can 100% say you’re NTJ. Seems like your step-sister just assumed that ‘Because we’re family’ they could get away with staying out later and not saying anything which makes me so angry.

Like you’re doing her a favorite, especially since it seems she didn’t pay you to babysit, the least she could do was text you when she said she was going to and not guilt trip you into keeping your niece overnight.

If you do decide to babysit the niece again you should lay down some ground rules such as: – I need a for sure time frame on when I can bring her back.

If you’re running A LITTLE late that’s fine but you need to let me know. – If you would like me to take her overnight that’s fine but I need to know ahead of time so I can plan.

I seriously wish someone would have told me to set boundaries when it came to my family and babysitting because it would have saved me so much grief growing up.” darkhuntresssyn45

2 points - Liked by lebe and Stagewhisperer

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Theflamazing1 1 year ago
Ntj. Not at all. Your sister took advantage. She was mad because you didn't keep her so she could do what she wanted all night. Don't babysit again.
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13. AITJ For Going Against My Annoying Sister's Rules?


“My (17M) sister (21 F) recently moved back in with my parents. She’s had some mental health issues on and off for a while and finally decided to drop out of college this spring and move back home.

She currently has a full-time job where she makes really good money for her age and is looking at moving out to an apartment in 2023, so she’s not just hanging out and being lazy. However, she is quite bossy.

She needs everything done her way to fit her ‘goals’ as far as I know that is to improve her credit score, pay off a credit card, get an apartment and a dog, write a book, enjoy her hobbies, make friends, and lose weight.

She is on a very particular schedule. She takes our family dogs on a walk in the morning, goes to work somewhere between 6:30 and 8, works for 8-10 hours depending on ‘what she feels like’, gets the same subway order every day for lunch, buys an apple and 24-ounce soda every morning on her way to work, goes to the gym for an hour after work, and spends the rest of the evening studying for her aPHR (Associate Professional in Human Resources) exam, reading romance books, and endlessly knitting.

On the weekends, she goes to the 11:00 showing of a movie on Sunday, does meal prep, does laundry, and does her various hobbies like writing.

The issue is she never budges. It’s on her time or not at all? Like if we decide to eat at 5 pm, she’ll go to the gym anyways and won’t eat with everyone.

If we decide to do something as a family on Sunday, she refuses to do it and will still go see a movie instead.

Plus, there’s the issue with her food. She refuses to eat any fruit that has touched other fruit so she keeps her apples and grapes in the mini-fridge in her room.

She refuses to drink water from anywhere else other than her water bottle. She refuses to allow anyone else to wash her clothes or go to her room. We can’t touch her measuring cups or god forbid cheerios. It’s annoying. When I try to bring it up to my parents they just say she’s an adult and needs her own space, things, and rules, and we cannot judge.

Last week, I got so sick of her I just decided to break all the rules, I used her measuring cups, hid her water bottle, laptop, knitting stuff, and kindle, tried to make her do stuff on my time, took all her fruit and put it in the fridge downstairs.

She had a meltdown crying, and throwing stuff out, and my parents comforted her! They got mad at me.

AITJ here, really?”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ, while your initial premise seemed like it was her fault. You then proceeded to outline everything she was doing which all seems like her minding her business.

She didn’t force you to do things at a different time. She just wasn’t available when you wanted her to be. It would be different if she stopped you from doing something and the retaliation all seems like total nonsense. You can refuse to do your things according to her but she hasn’t interfered with your life but you just have.

Totally YTJ.” Long_john_slvr

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. You acted like a spoiled brat. None of what she does affects you. If she misses dinner, that’s on her. If she misses a Sunday outing, that’s on her. I’m willing to bet you spend a bunch of time complaining that you’re practically a grown-up, yet you acted like an absolute child having a fit, touching all her things.

You said she had been having mental health problems. Maybe her strict schedule is how she keeps on track; you don’t get to police how other people deal when it has anything to do with you.” Wise_Ad_4816

Another User Comments:

“I think you already know the answer to this one, but you’re looking for some sympathy.

I think your sister moving back in has unsettled your own routine and that’s been stressful for you. I wonder if perhaps you have needs that are not being met, and seeing hers being attended to, or seeing her find success and comfort despite her struggles, has fostered some resentment.

And perhaps this upset has left you feeling out of control, and you wanted some way to exert it. This is an understandable desire, but it’s not an acceptable behavior to engage in.

If you are struggling to find peace, perhaps try talking with your sister or your parents, once you’ve all had a chance to cool off.

I know the instinct will be to keep those uncomfortable feelings to yourself—whether because you don’t want to admit them, or because you’re afraid of how they’ll be received—but a lot of good can come from opening up about your struggles. At the very least, it can help your family know where you’re coming from and why it bothers you; you may even find the reason is not as cut and dry as you initially believe.

YTJ, but it’s not impossible to come back from this. You’re probably a good kid. It seems like you really value family time, and maybe it’s impacted you more than you realize to have your sister back but different from how it was before she left. Or maybe something else is influencing this frustration and this was just a convenient situation to blow up in.

Either way, you should apologize to your sister and give her some grace; she’s young and this is hard for her to figure out too.” disasterj0nes

2 points - Liked by kipa and Mortisse

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Kllswtch7 1 year ago
I did something mean to my sister who did nothing to me and my parents took her side? Read it again. You're an immature idiot. Sorry, but you are. This is one of those things that only made since in your teenage mind because of hormones and being angry at stuff for no reason. Ytj
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12. AITJ For Being Offended When My Friend's Partner Asked If I Was His Brother's Wife?


“My family has known Xander’s family since my dad was a kid so we all grew up together and spend a lot of time around each other.

Xander has a brother, Jace. It’s not a secret that our families are hoping/wanting/pushing for me and Jace to eventually get married and it’s been a running joke between the brothers forever.

I used to be able to ignore the jokes and the stupid nicknames until recently but now I absolutely hate it.

I’ve told them to stop repeatedly but it just seems to fuel the fire.

Xander has a new significant other who I met for the first time on Friday. After I told her my name she asked me if I was Jace’s wife.

I don’t think I would’ve been so angry if Xander and his other brothers didn’t start laughing hysterically but they did and I snapped at Xander’s SO and told her I wasn’t his wife. One of the other brothers said not yet and I told him to get lost and stormed off.

Later on, Jace told me I had really upset and embarrassed Xander’s SO and said I should apologize as I didn’t need to snap at her the way I did. I told him to leave me alone, but he wouldn’t get lost. Instead, he told me I was being rude and that I was acting overly sensitive recently.


Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Why on earth would she randomly ask if OP was someone’s wife in the first place? I’m sure she heard her SO joke about OP.

I don’t think you owe her an apology. People should expect that when they ask dumb questions, they might get snapped at.

You had your limit. Her SO owes you both the apology

I’m telling you she literally had no reason whatsoever to ask you that unless her SO told her to or she also thought it would be funny and she could feel cool by saying that because her SO would think it’s hilarious like a typical pick-me girl.

But remember these people want a reaction from you. It’s not funny and I don’t know why they’re so obsessed with trying to push you toward Jace. Try to ignore them, or joke back at them, or play dumb and get them to explain their ‘joke’ by looking confused and saying, ‘I don’t understand.

But I’m not with Jace, I don’t get it. Why would you say that?’ Over and over and get them uncomfortable.” rainbow_mak3r

Another User Comments:

“YTJ, you’re allowed to be upset over the running joke, but the girl didn’t do anything.

As far as she’s concerned, she was given some information about you and wanted to make small talk. She did nothing to warrant you cursing at her and storming off in anger. If it concerns you that much, take it up with the brothers.

If you say that nothing you do helps, at some point, it’s better to learn how to cope with it. Again, the girl didn’t deserve that anger, you should probably apologize.” golden_coinAz

Another User Comments:

“Going with NTJ because it’s clear his family has been spouting so much nonsense about it she is confused.

My advice would be to talk/message her directly and apologize for snapping and the back story so she can see what kind of family she is getting involved with.

But more importantly, is to talk to your family and tell them under no circumstances will you be around Xander’s family from now on, it’s beyond a joke and you will not be in the same room as there for their continual nonsense.

If that upsets them, then too bad they now understand how you feel. If makes your family have to reconsider the friendship, well it’s about time.” dheffe01

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here. She was a bystander we just got brought into this situation and didn’t know it was going on.

She asked you a question based on how the family was talking. She was innocent and you took out all your rage on her when your real problem is this family.

You need to cut ties with them. They do not respect you and the fact that they speak over you and view you as the future property of the brother, cuz that is how they’re talking to you like it’s only a matter of time until you’re his, you should not be in contact with them.” JCBashBash

2 points - Liked by lebe and Stagewhisperer

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rbleah 1 year ago
When this comes up again just say that this is the brothers wet dream and it makes you want to puke just thinking about it. You? NTJ
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11. AITJ For Not Going To A Dance With My Son's Sister?


“I have a 12-year-old son Daniel with my ex Liza who has a 10-year-old daughter Madison. Madison’s father was a crappy guy who ran off and hasn’t really been heard from in years.

We had broken up before that happened. Having a kid with Liza we try to be as amicable in co-parenting as possible. I feel bad that Madison doesn’t have a real father figure in her life. I have no desire to be in that role for her but I try to be a good influence in general since she is a child.

I do not want her thinking of me as her father though because I don’t want that responsibility and if I’m honest, the bond is a little one-sided on her side. I feel a little guilty but it just is what it is, she’s not my kid.

Well, Madison’s school is doing a father-daughter dance and when I was dropping Daniel off for his week with his mom (we have joint every other week custody) Madison asked me if I’d go to the dance with her. It was a weird emotion of flattered but also uncomfortable.

I didn’t really know what to say but before I could give a real response she said the date, which is a time I have tickets to a show with my partner. I felt like that was an easy out saying I can’t because of that show.

Apparently, once I left, Madison cried for hours.

Liza thinks I’m being a huge jerk though and has actually gotten a few of her and some of our mutual friends to kinda gang up on me calling me a jerk for it. I do feel bad for Madison because I know she’s hurt, but I also feel like this isn’t really my responsibility… Am I being a jerk here?”

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here, excluding your ex. Madison is reaching an age where she’s gonna notice how her brother has a dad constantly in his life but she doesn’t have anyone like that, she doesn’t have a grandpa, does she have an uncle that could take her?

It’s hard for any kid to grow up without a mom or dad in their life. But, it’s not your child, while I think it would be a nice gesture if you did that to make her happy, it’s not your job to be a father to a child that isn’t yours.

Your ex can’t demand that of you. My heart goes out to Madison, this is such a sad story to hear.” Striking_Ad_6573

Another User Comments:

“It sounds like the jerk here is your ex. You mention dropping off your son, so it’s clear that Madison is not spending time with you.

I suspect that your son’s half-sister would not have the idea of you being a father substitute if your ex wasn’t encouraging it. The little girl is not at fault for asking, and you are not the jerk for politely saying no. Your ex and her friends are jerks for trying to force this situation.

There are a lot of other solutions for Madison to go to that event (does she not have any uncles or grandfathers?) besides her half-brother’s father who is wholly unrelated to her.

NTJ” DWYL_LoveWhatYouDo

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here. You have clear boundaries and you have a fair excuse for not going.

It sucks though because she is a 10-year-old and is hurt that her father doesn’t care. While I think your ex is wrong for trying to guilt you into filling that role, I can also understand that, as a mother, she doesn’t want to see her daughter hurting and she sees you as a potential solution.

I’m not saying that she is right but I imagine part of her actions come from the love of her daughter and guilt that the other dad doesn’t step up the way you do with your son.

That all being said though, you are not doing anything wrong.

While her motherly instincts may be to protect her child it is not fair for her to try to force you into a role you don’t want and are not obligated to fill. It’s just an all-around sucky situation for Madison.” Kmlee2773399

Another User Comments:


It IS sad that Madison doesn’t have a meaningful father figure in her life, but that person never had to be you, and it’s even sadder that her mother hasn’t made more of an effort to look to the men in her own life to see who might be able to step in (and it could be more than one person) to provide male role models and emotional support for her daughter.

Grandfathers, uncles, even Liza’s friends’ husbands or Madison’s friends’ dads… there are so many possibilities. They don’t have to be surrogate fathers in order to be good men in her life.

Look, my best friend is a wonderful dad but he’s in the military and is sometimes deployed for long stretches.

When he’s gone, his son and daughter have lots of men in their lives who show up for them. Last year, when he was overseas, it was a family friend who took his daughter to her ‘father-daughter’ dance in his place, and he was so appreciative of that.

And that’s exactly the point: why is it that none of Liza’s friends who came after you offered up their husbands or brothers to take Madison to her dance? They’re family friends! You’re… an ex-husband who isn’t really in her life beyond being her brother’s dad.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU

2 points - Liked by lebe and Stagewhisperer

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TeaLikeTheDrink 1 year ago
NTJ because Liza is probably not doing a good enough job of explaining that you are not Madison's father.
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10. AITJ For Canceling On My Sister's Restaurant Opening?


“My sister and her husband opened their own restaurant together on Friday. They had wanted to do it for years but started the steps to take the plunge in 2020. This meant a lot to my sister who always wanted to be a business owner. Months ago she had asked me to be there on opening night with my family.

I had promised her faithfully that I would.

Our relationship has suffered a lot of late. I have always felt like I do more for her than she does for me, and it boiled over when two weeks ago she had asked to borrow some funds promising she would pay it back.

I had asked her when she’d pay it back, and she told me some time. I told her it took months to pay me back the last time and that Christmas was coming up soon and this year was tight. She told me she knew and she would pay me back in less than two weeks and that the money was super important for making sure everything went okay opening night (because the deposit on something she had hired had increased without her realizing and she didn’t have the money available for it).

I told her I wasn’t sure if I trusted her to get me the money in two weeks. She couldn’t believe I would bring up past issues at that moment, told me she was asking her big sister for help and would hope I would give it willingly.

This made me angrier and I asked her when she had willingly helped me with anything and when had made a point to prioritize being there for me. She told me I was more stable than she, and nothing ever knocked me down. I pointed out that my miscarriage at 13 weeks had been devastating to me and that was when I needed support more than ever, but she had been preoccupied with something else.

That she had told me after she felt too awkward talking to me. Yet when she had her first child, she talked nonstop about her fears of losing her baby because I had a couple of years before that.

We ended up not speaking, and then the opening of her restaurant came and I didn’t show up.

She was upset/mad/frustrated with me and her husband told me she had waited and waited for me, had told other people I would be there, and then didn’t show.

I feel bad but at the same time, I just don’t know if I want to bother anymore.

She frustrates me so much. But I love her at the same time. I know I let her down by not being there and that’s why I ask. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:


It honestly sounds like an exhausting relationship, and showing up to her restaurant opening would’ve just brought all of your recent arguments back out.

I’d also wager that she would’ve asked you for money again, this time in person. Idk why people would expect you to turn up when you’ve had a major disagreement that wasn’t resolved, which I don’t think can be resolved unless your sister stops asking you for stuff and apologizes for how she handled your failed pregnancy.

You probably just need to go low/no contact with her because this doesn’t sound like a good sibling relationship at all.” tofu_deluxe

Another User Comments:


Sounds like she’s been taking you for granted for a long time. You tried to vocalize that, and she pushed back, so you fell out.

It happens. She expected you to support her anyway without even listening to what you were saying.

It was too late to make up for lost support, but she couldn’t do the bare minimum of hearing you out. Supporting someone is a two-way street- she’s got to put effort into maintaining relationships, too.

Honestly, high chance it would have been very awkward and uncomfortable for you because this would have been forcing a public makeup when the issue wasn’t actually resolved. She needed to reach out and discuss in private ahead of time, not expect you to suck it up again to soothe her ego.” whichwitch9

Another User Comments:

“To me, you are NTJ.

Sure, sisters will argue and have disagreements. And in the past she hasn’t been as supportive as you have been and you have the right to have that in consideration and be angry about it. Your argument here is valid and she couldn’t take it.

She had relied on you and didn’t expect you to put your foot down. Let’s say that you actually went to the opening, you would still have that argument on your shoulders and just be mad about it.

The issue was never resolved, so why should you show up?

She has too high of expectations on you and this time you didn’t bend to it.” Scar-Lux94

2 points - Liked by lebe and LizzieTX

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rbleah 1 year ago
NTJ She is concerned with her ONLY. time to cut the cord with her go low to no contact for a while. When you get back in touch with her if she is not willing to apologize to you and to pay you back then cut her out.
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9. AITJ For Saying My Husband's Sister Is Blackmailing Him?


“So my MIL is going downhill fast. She’s been ill for several years now but due to a heart attack, they’ve changed her medication so now her blood pressure has skyrocketed and she’s had several falls.

My husband promised his ill father that he would look after his mum. He felt better placed to do this as at the time he was single, and his sister had teenage children.

Now he is married, and we have 4 small children.

His sister has been down this weekend (lived 4 hours away) and would not hear of MIL may need in the not-too-distant future to go into a home/assisted living because my husband had promised their father and that I need to get back in lane because I’m not really part of the family (that’s a whole other story) and what difference does it make if for the time being my husband leaves me with the children and moves in with his mum to keep her out of a home.

Because he promised his dad.

I tried to point out that SIL knows how to play my husband… and will continue to use a promise he made as a young single man to enforce her will on him… she’s not offering any help. They were here this weekend, and so my husband came home for the first time in a month to spend the night with me and the children.

She didn’t do anything to help his mum up to the bed and got grumpy when MIL woke her at 11 am to help her down so she could get herself a drink and food. She didn’t want to call my husband because she’s very aware that he’s spent very little time with the children or me and wanted us to enjoy it.

She was considering moving into a home, but SIL told her not to allow my husband’s selfishness to force her to do something she doesn’t want to do.

Whenever husband starts arguing with her she brings up his promise to his dad.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. A promise to look after his mom is not a promise to keep her in her home until she passes. When someone moves into an assisted living home they still need a family to care for them. Family still has to manage finances, coordinate medical care, shop for clothes and other personal possessions, provide transportation and socialization, and many many other tasks.

If your MIL’s home no longer meets her needs or if she needs to sell it to pay for needed personal services, then your husband would be “looking after her” if he helped her to sell the home. Your husband does not need to do all the care HIMSELF, he just needs to ensure that she gets the care she needs.

If your husband does not have a durable power of attorney (POA) for his mother, he should arrange for her to meet with a certified elder law attorney (CELA) to make sure all her paperwork is in order. If your MIL does need skilled nursing care but your husband lives with her in her house instead for a length of time, your husband might become the legal owner of the house under certain circumstances.

Consult a CELA!” justmeat23

Another User Comments:


You’re 100% correct. Your husband is being emotionally manipulated by his sister, and I would honestly push for cutting her out as much as possible while MIL is still alive, and going no contact after she passes.

She is being vile for no reason because whether your husband personally cares for his mother is of absolutely zero consequence to her since she clearly doesn’t want to do it anyway and the very viable alternative of moving into a home was offered.

Caring for someone with severe mobility issues is a full-time job, and your husband cannot do that with his own job and 4 children. The promise was made in a context that is no longer applicable, not just on your husband’s side, but also on MIL’s side.

Her health conditions are too serious to leave to non-qualified caregivers.

Taking care of his mother is doing what’s best for her, and he cannot possibly give her that if he has to take care of a family as well. Your husband is also not a qualified caregiver and it sounds like your MIL’s needs are serious and specific enough that this is an argument that you can bring up with him.

It also sounds like MIL is clear enough of mind to not want her son to abandon his family for her.

Start looking into homes in your area, or a live-in caregiver for MIL, depending on what you can afford.

I say this as someone who saw my mother spend a month trying to care for my grandmother who had a stroke in her home and eventually found her a nursing home where she had 24/7 care.

Your husband needs to sleep, eat, and shower, he cannot be on for his mother 24/7.” tofu_deluxe

Another User Comments:

“There’s a big difference between looking after someone and sacrificing everyone and everything for someone.

Would it be bad to just dump his mum in a home and forget about her?

Yes! But there’s a middle ground between exhausting himself performing all the care his mother needs, and just abandoning her. You know?

And frankly, his poor mother can’t be having a great time either. Needing help just to get breakfast because the house isn’t set up for people with mobility issues?

Does she have much of a social life? Is it possible she’s actually interested in moving into assisted living? She might actually be more independent in a more purpose-built place.

People are most liberal with other people’s time and money. If SIL isn’t willing to move in to help, then her opinion seems fairly meaningless – on account, if she was in the same situation, their mum would already be shipped off to a home.

Your husband needs to be handling all of his responsibilities, not just the ones that might otherwise feel like SIL’s responsibility. He can look after his mum without effectively abandoning his children and wife.

NTJ. This decision needs to be made between your husband and his mother since they’re the only ones involved in her care.” Rowanever

2 points - Liked by kipa and Stagewhisperer

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mima 1 year ago
Your husband needs to grow a pair of balls and stand up to a sister. I'd like to know how your husband even works if he's not home to go to work.
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8. AITJ For Quitting Babysitting?


“I (34f) am a stay-at-home mom with a friend (30f) whose child (3) I agreed to babysit while also looking after my own child (3) while she returned to work. The initial discussion we had was that this would be a trial (the length of the trial was not actually discussed by either of us), and we would look to reassess the situation if I felt it wasn’t working out for me and my family.

We agreed that she would pay me $15ph. We didn’t put any agreements/contracts in place.

It started off well, but as time went on it started to feel like our children were really not getting along. Her child seemed to be getting more and more aggressive with my child.

I brought it up a couple of times that I was concerned with the behavior but was still happy to continue. I was waiting to see if things would improve and didn’t really know how I felt or what to do.

Over the last couple of weeks, I started to feel dread at having her child over as both our children seemed to fight with each other constantly.

I felt that her child was becoming particularly aggressive (trying to hit my kid with a scooter and other toys, yelling in my child’s face, hitting, pinching, flicking in the face, biting, spitting, and continually throwing sand at him). I’m not saying my own kid is a total angel, but I just didn’t perceive that my kid was displaying aggression to that level.

My child seems to feel the need to run to me for safety a lot when interacting with my friend’s child.

After some thought, I decided to tell her I needed to step back from babysitting. I didn’t feel like I could keep putting my kid in this situation.

I told her it didn’t feel like a good fit for us anymore. She asked if I wanted to stop or gradually fade out. I told her the truth, I wanted to stop straight away. She asked if it was because of her child. I told her it was because I didn’t know how to handle the aggressive behavior and needed to do what was best for my kid.

At first, she said she understood and thanked me for all the help I’d given her. She told me not to feel bad.

A few days later she messages me that she is confused and disappointed in the suddenness of my decision, that it was a financial hit for her family (with a loss of hours for her while she looks for a replacement) that her son is very unsettled now, that I didn’t wait long enough for the behavior to change (I babysat for 7 weeks and after all the kid is only 3) her husband had to go long distance for work again the day after I told her I wanted to stop.

She now says that what I did was unthoughtful and unprofessional because I didn’t give her adequate warning or notice as she only had 3 days before her next workday started. I told her I didn’t feel like I had the training or resources to support her child’s care while also making my own child’s best interests my top priority.

She remains adamant that I am very much in the wrong here.


Another User Comments:


Throw her words back at her. You do not have to feel bad and she’s wrong for trying to guilt you now.

She had a sweet deal with you and her lack of discipline with her child lead to it being rescinded. Now she’s facing the reality of the difficulty of finding cheap childcare with someone who is trustworthy. If she & her husband are always working, then they were basically counting on you raising and disciplining the child for them.

NTJ” jasperjamboree

Another User Comments:


Going by your friend’s reaction, I’m guessing you’re not the first person who has quit on her due to her son’s behavior.

It got to the point of feeling dread when he was due over. That isn’t good. While the kid might have some issues or just be used to getting their own way, that is not your problem to deal with until their parents have.

Your child should be subjected to that level of aggression in his own home.

7 weeks is more than enough time to see if the arrangement was working, it wasn’t and you were right to pull the plug.” HunterDangerous1366

Another User Comments:


If you were a licensed daycare, you would have put her on notice the first time her child hurt someone else.

By the third time, her kid would have been suspended or even dropped from the daycare entirely.

She is guilting you because you are her friend. Which is not okay. True, 7 weeks isn’t long enough for change to happen. But it IS long enough to qualify as a trial run.

The trial didn’t work out. That’s it.” NotSoAverage_sister

2 points - Liked by lebe and Stagewhisperer

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rbleah 1 year ago
Unprofessional? Since when did you tell her you were one? You? NTJ Her on the other hand is a big one. Sounds like she can't find anyone else to deal with her little crotch goblin and had you on the hook. You do NOT need to do HER bidding. Sounds like they do NOT parent that child and is leaving it up to YOU to do it for them. Does not work that way. Step back and away from this TOXIC person. Take care of YOUR child and keep HIM safe from HER TOXIC SON.
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7. AITJ For Residing In A Different City?


“When I (F32) was 14 years old, my dad had organ failure, went on dialysis, and had a transplant.

It was a big trauma for our family, as my dad suffered massive post-surgery complications. He went from being the most involved, loving healthy as can be-father to not being able to walk and needing continuous treatments in the hospital. This meant we all of the sudden were walking on eggshells at home, worried about angering or upsetting my dad who struggle to come to terms with his situation.

I went away for college and after finishing my degree, continued to live in a different city from my family. Three years ago I got a dream job offer and moved, again to a different city than my family. I love my job and just got enough money to buy a home in this city.

There is no opportunity for the same job in my hometown and it would be too expensive for me to buy a home there.

My dad is currently in need of new organs due to his last transplant failing. He is not working and struggles to move around at home, but not accepting help due to pride.

His doctors say that he might not get new organs due to his health and age. His illness makes him unable to travel and the doc says there is no way of knowing if he has two years or twelve years left to live.

While I struggle with the decision, my mother is adamant I should stay away, create my own life and start my own family.

I call my dad every day and visit once a month to help both my parents out. I also help care for my dad’s parents, as he can no longer do so.

However, my best friend (F31) and her partner keep calling me selfish and a jerk.

They claim that the right thing to do is to move back and help my mom care for him. I love my dad dearly and worry if I am being a jerk?”

Another User Comments:


It is incredibly narrow-minded of your ‘friend’ and her partner to say you are the jerk without knowing your family dynamics.

You are not abandoning your parents and you still keep in contact daily. You are helping with your father’s parents in his stead. YOU ARE TAKING CARE OF HIM. Being by their side is not the only way to take care of someone. Your mother wishes that you live your own life as the doctors do not know how long this situation will be.

Also, would your father/parents be comfortable with you that near, seeing him in this state, daily and for hours? You said that your father is not accepting help due to pride. This same pride maybe makes it hard for him to be seen struggling and as a shade of what he was before (whereas if you are only calling for a few minutes daily and visiting only monthly it is less taxing).” -eri-

Another User Comments:


You cannot put your life on hold for your father. You need to build a life for yourself where you can get a good job. The fact you are able to call home daily and visit monthly is enough.

The best we can hope to do for our children is to see them to adulthood and self-sufficiency.

Your parents have done that. You are self-sufficient. That is what we all want for our children.

Tell your friend to stay in their own lane.” Algebralovr

Another User Comments:


If you are able to, there’s a lot of stuff you can do from farther away.

You could pay for a meal service so your mom doesn’t have to cook, or a maid service on some days.

Your mom knows you’re better off staying in your new city. What good would it do for everyone if you’d be at home, homeless, and jobless?

That would be just another worry for your mom!

You’re still very involved. But good parents want to see their kids thrive, not being stuck at home with them!” Chilibabeatreddit

2 points - Liked by kipa and Stagewhisperer

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Kllswtch7 1 year ago
Your friend and her partner are the jerks. Tell them to hush up on matters that they arnt involved in. You're doing great.
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6. AITJ For Telling My Friend To Not Meddle With My Parenting?


“I’m a 45f mom of 10 and 2-year-old girls. My best friend (47m) lives next door to us. I’ve been best friends with him for 20 years now and my husband thinks of him as a brother.

My girls love him like an uncle. Anyway, a few days ago, I took my girls to Mcdonald’s for a happy meal. We decided to eat at home, so I sat them up at the dinner table with their food. My toddler loves throwing her food to the dogs and she did this.

I scolded her and told her not to do that as it could make the puppies sick and that the food was for her tummy, not the dogs. Well, my toddler started crying. My best friend then started babying her, telling her it was ok.

Just basically telling her the opposite of what I told her.

I POLITELY asked my friend to stop babying her after I scold her and she needs to learn to stop throwing food or giving it to the dogs. He then tells me that what I’ve done can cause serious issues with her.

He said that she will relate food with getting in trouble and it could cause her to be anorexic when she got older. I told him that she was my child, I know her better than anyone and she was crying because she can’t give her food to the dogs.

He told me that I needed to pick up a book and read up on how to raise kids. Well, I kinda snapped.

I told him that he has zero right telling me how to raise my kids when he didn’t raise his own.

He left his kids in a different state with their mother, refused to provide any type of financial support, and even quit a job when child support started being garnished from his checks. My kids are my world. I do not mistreat them in any way but I do expect my kids to be well-mannered and they are.

I’m not trying to raise spoiled little entitled jerks. Anyway, I haven’t talked to this friend in three-four days because of this. He thinks I went too far calling him out about his own parenting but I don’t think I did. I could be wrong though.

I don’t feel bad about what I told him. AITJ?


I’ve been friends with this person for 20 years, but I’ve only been a parent for 10. I’ll gladly trash the friendship when it comes to my kids. GLADLY. Especially if this friendship will affect my kids in any type of negative way.

My girls have both parents and don’t need someone from the outside coming in and ‘reprimanding’ me for how I discipline my kids when that person has been no kind of parent himself.

I really REALLY thought about my friend and how he is.

He is a narcissistic jerk that acts like a baby when he doesn’t get what he wants. I guess I’ve just ignored it for the last 10 years because I’ve had my kids to worry about. I failed to notice how clingy he’s gotten over the last 10 years.

How much he acts like a child (worse than my kids) when he doesn’t get his way. Or how he wants or expects me to basically beg him to go places with us.

For example, if we are going out to eat, we will invite him, and when he declines, we go on about our business and go out to eat.

While we are out he will text me and say he’s going to come with us and after I tell him we have already left, he will tell me that I should have asked him again just to make sure he didn’t want to go.

Or stuff like if we plan a family activity, he will be like ‘tell me what time we are leaving’. When I tell him that it’s just us and the girls going, he will get annoyed and go home, and won’t talk to me for a few days.

It’s really childish nonsense. When I sit and think about it, it actually feels like I’ve got 3 kids, just one of them is a nearly 50-year-old man. Yes, time to re-evaluate this friendship. I’m sitting in my bed typing this and I feel so used and so blind, stupid, like a total dummy.

Like an IDIOT.

He is no threat or danger to my kids whatsoever, but other things (nothing harmful, dangerous, or threatening to my kids or anyone else), just how he’s been using us for a while now and we were too blind to see it or just chose to ignore it.

It’s sad to say, I do believe this friendship has run its course.”

Another User Comments:

“Are you insane? Don’t you know the number one cause of anorexia is not being allowed to give your food to the dogs when you were under 3 years old?

Everyone knows that anorexia starts at birth and has nothing to do with unrealistic images in the media of women. Or the pressure on preteens to conform to idealized images they are bombarded with.

And the best way to raise well-minded children is to counter what their parents are telling them and allow them to do what they want.

And I can say this because, As somebody who does not have children, I am an expert on raising other people’s children.

Or, more likely, I understand that I don’t know what’s going on in somebody else’s household with their kids. But if I did have an issue or concern with how a friend is treating somebody else, I would talk about it with them privately.


He opened the door when he criticized your parenting so you are justified to criticize his parenting or lack thereof.” User

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. If he was that concerned about how you dealt with the situation with your toddler giving food to the dog he should have spoken to you about it later when the children were not present, you absolutely do not undermine a parent like that in front of their children.

Yes you were harsh but also justified, can’t be telling others how to parent when you have neglected your own parental responsibilities’ Reddit User

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t understand what he’s talking about. Damage from associating food with punishment likely means you don’t literally use food or lack of food to punish your child or to reward good behavior.

You know what would really emotionally damage a child? A dog getting sick and the realization that something preventable they did cause it. You’re protecting your child by teaching them what is and isn’t okay. He severely overstepped and tried to override someone else’s reasonable parenting with his lack of knowledge.

You’re doing great.” LeikOfForest

1 points - Liked by lebe

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rbleah 1 year ago
NTJ Time to cut him off permanently. He is NO friend to you. What did your husband have to say about this I wonder?
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5. AITJ For Decorating My Stepbrother's Grave?


“I (F23) live with my fiancé whilst I go to university.

My parents split up when I was 2, and I have a stepmother who we’ll call Sarah (F48).

Sarah and my dad got married when I was around 7 years old. I always got along well with Sarah, and I think she’s a really kind woman.

Sarah has a son ‘Jack’ who is 3 years younger than me, from her previous marriage. Jack and I never had a sibling before but always wanted one, Jack and I got along really well and had a close relationship.

Sadly, Jack unexpectedly passed away in an accident when he was only 12 years old.

Sarah was heartbroken. She’s been going to grief therapy but she’s never been quite the same since.

Every Sunday like clockwork, Sarah goes to the cemetery and keeps Jack’s burying place neat and tidy.

I go with her if I’m free.

However, Sarah’s job needed her to go away to another city for 3 months. She didn’t come back until last week.

I decided to make the time to keep Jack’s gravesite neat and tidy while Sarah was gone and to pleasantly surprise her when she got back.

I cut back any overgrown grass, got some realistic artificial flowers in Jack’s favorite color (red), and some figurines of his favorite animal (pandas). I only did decorations that could easily be removed so that they can be changed up in the future.

I thought it looked good and that Sarah would be really happy with it, but when she got back from the work trip and I showed her, she was really unhappy with me.

She agreed that it was very nice but told me that she was looking forward to coming back to the gravesite being untidy so that she could tidy it up herself.

I apologized and said I had no idea. I asked her if there was anything I could do to make it better or make it up to her.

Sarah told me to forget it and left. She blocked me on everything and my dad is really angry with me and said that I was selfish for decorating the grave without talking to Sarah first.

I don’t think I did anything majorly wrong, I genuinely didn’t think this would upset Sarah, I thought she’d be happy.


Another User Comments:


What?! You did nothing majorly wrong, but you didn’t do anything minorly wrong either. You did something very kind and very thoughtful, and you did it with the very best of intent! It’s really sad that she was unable to see the situation from that perspective, but grief does strange things to people sometimes.

I think it’s crazy that she went full-on nuts and blocked you over this though. Why in the world would she do that?

I’m most baffled at your dad’s reaction. Surely he can see both her grief and heartache and the sweetness of your gesture.

I get standing by your partner when they’re grieving, even (eight?) years later, but gosh. That put you in a really crappy position. I’m sorry for everyone’s loss. Keep being the thoughtful person you are, because the world needs you.” randomomnsuburbia

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, this is as unpredictable as her being angry at you if you hadn’t gone to clean up the grave.

You had been going with her and were part of the routine. You weren’t an outsider or poking your nose in out of the blue.

You are not a mind-reader and thought she would appreciate your intentions, plus you surely are not in the wrong for wanting to pay your own respects.

Hopefully, she will realize that she is being unreasonable and apologize for her behavior.

Ask your dad to consider this: if she had been angry at you for not cleaning up the grave is he sure that he wouldn’t have the exact same attitude towards you as he has now?

Is he just angry with you because she’s upset, or does he honestly think you did something wrong that you should have known was wrong? Can he even explain just what was wrong and how you should have known to neglect the grave for three months despite being available and having gone to help regularly prior to your stepmother going on her work trip?” jwjnthrowawaykfeiofj

Another User Comments:


You did something kind and considerate – not knowing that she would have preferred her son’s grave go unintended in her absence. How were you supposed to know?

She told you not to worry about it and then blocked you – I am sorry she did that, but you should put that down to her still working on her grief I suppose.

But what I don’t understand is how upset your father is with you for keeping the grave clean and putting some of his favorite things there. She can change them and decorate them how she likes – so what is the big deal?

You did nothing wrong.

If she doesn’t want anyone but her to touch his grave then she should let people know.” 1moreKnife2theheart

1 points - Liked by Stagewhisperer

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hocu 1 year ago
No, noone here is a jerk your intentions were so good. Grief, grief is so... Unpredictable. I think that we are made, in a way, to lose our parents our grandparents, it hurts when you lose anyone you love but to bury a child (of any age) is unnatural it's wholly and completely just wrong. No road maps for it. So her child is gone and as odd as it may seem she probably felt kind of guilty for not doing this one thing that she feels she still can... being able to clean his grave when she got back was going to help assuage that odd guilt and you accidentally, inadvertently took that away. It's just the only tangible motherly task that she has. Tread easy, be graceful and gracious. Maybe convey to your dad an apology and send your love. Grief makes no sense and sometimes it senselessly strikes out. Shake the blow off please and just be quietly grateful that you don't understand what she's going through but you do understand hurt and scalding pain and try to be a balm. Good luck and my condolences
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4. AITJ For Not Wanting To Pay $5000 For A Painting?


“MIL is a beautiful painter and sells some of her stuff professionally. She mostly does this so she can paint as much as she wants and not have to worry about having room for it. It’s never been a serious career for her as she has never needed an actual career or income.

MIL also has never been worried about finances.

MIL and I have a terrible relationship. She has always hated me, and it has strained not only our relationship but her relationship with her son. I recently was feeling bad about this and thought about giving her an olive branch.

I asked if she wanted to paint something for our new house and her husband immediately got mad about you can’t just ask for that and we need to pay her 5k. He claims that is the normal price for a painting and I’m entitled to ask.

MIL laughed and asked him why she needed 5k. He said it is the principle. I asked him if he had never heard of the family doing stuff for the family, and he said that MIL is not my family and that I am entitled. Then he told MIL to do whatever she wanted, but he doesn’t think she should let us take advantage of her.

I got annoyed and told him he is a real jerk and he should shut his mouth as he isn’t family either. I pointed out that 5k is absolutely nothing to her and a lot to me, and I was trying to fix our relationship, and he wasn’t helping with his inferiority.

MIL told me to leave and said she wasn’t making us a painting and he was right, we were just exploiting her. My husband is totally on my side and told MIL he is ashamed of her for even being with this jerk. MIL is now telling everyone we are entitled and if we want a painting we should go into the studio and buy one.”

Another User Comments:


Trying to form a bond: (1) MIL, would you like to go out for coffee, my treat? (2) MIL, would you like to go with me, we’ll have our nails done, my treat. (3) MIL, I would like to add a nice accent piece to make my living room pop, maybe some couch pillows or a lamp, do you have any ideas, you have such good taste.

(4) MIL, could we go thru some old pictures of my husband/your son that you have; I would like one (or make a copy of one) so I can frame it; maybe you can help me pick out a frame? (5) MIL, your art is amazing, do you mind if I could one day just come to sit quietly and watch you work if that is okay?

You have such talent! NO, I am not throwing hints, I just want to see how you produce such beautiful work.

NOT: Hey, give me something that is totally beyond my means coz you have money, are comfortable, and don’t need the income. After all, it is just a stupid hobby.

I’d be doing you a favor by taking one off your hands coz your art is all crowded and shoved in a corner somewhere.

NOT: Insulting MIL’s husband by calling him a very vulgar name.

Your MIL’s husband: Probably sick and danged tired of every other person thinking they are entitled to ask for a painting just because they are financially comfortable.

A man who is very proud of his wife’s talent. A man who saw right thru you.” NCKALA

Another User Comments:

“YTJ, but not for the reasons others are saying. FIL was clearly knee-jerk assuming the worst intentions like all the other replies here because they’re common issues artists deal with.

But you did wrong for escalating. Your MIL didn’t seem like she intended to bill you that amount based on her reaction. But using insults instead of mitigating the accusation, made your FIL double down on his assumptions about you, and your MIL turn on you for insulting her husband.

The comment about doing things for family also didn’t help your case. Now she also may think you had poor intentions when she could’ve been willing to make it free beforehand.

This was very avoidable if you explained you couldn’t afford the 5k and asked the MIL what she was willing to make for less.

Because the point wasn’t about free art, it was about inviting some part of her into your lives through her passion which you admired. A sketch could’ve been enough because it’s symbolic. Just respect her wishes in the end.

Instead of this happening, you and FIL invented an unnecessary problem that puts everyone further at odds – him for assuming the worst and you for not thinking before you speak.

You should have explained your intentions instead of prioritizing a fight. That was the responsible thing to do and something you can do even now.” Sugar_Poppin

Another User Comments:


Let’s break this down.

Your MIL sells her paintings professionally.

An artist doesn’t get to the point of selling paintings professionally unless they are pretty dang good.

And they get to BE good by practicing. She is making a serious career of it – I think maybe you are disparaging her work. It’s not something that comes from sheer talent.

You asked a professional artist if she ‘wanted to paint something for our new house’.

If that’s a direct quote, it sounds kind of condescending. She might agree, but I hope you weren’t planning on getting it for free. Her time is worth something – her work sells. That’s not how one extends an olive branch.

How much do MIL’s paintings usually sell for?

MIL’s husband (FIL?) – isn’t wrong by asking for MIL’s work to be bought for what it normally sells for. Family does stuff for family, but there are limits. Five thousand dollars is kind of a lot for anyone in the current economy.

You called him names and said a lot of hurtful stuff.

If you get a chance to make up with her, and ‘actually’ want a painting – phrase it something like ‘Hi, MIL. We are moving into a new home and would be honored to hang one of your paintings on a wall. Here are the colors we are looking at, and this is our budget.

Can you help us pick one out?’ Offer to pay her. Respect the hard work that got her to where she is.” GeneralChaos2005

-1 points - Liked by BPanny

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mima 1 year ago
Ntj. I've bought numerous paintings from an art gallery and spent 5000 on 0ne of them.
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3. AITJ For Threatening That My Ex Won't See Our Daughter Again Because Of Hairspray?


“My daughter has beautiful curly hair. I have to keep her hair tied up in a bun because it’s the best way to keep knots from happening.

She has a very sensitive scalp so brushing her hair is a very delicate process.

Her dad has her 2 weekends a month and every time he has her he puts so much hair spray in her hair that I can literally TASTE it as I’m trying to brush it out.

If that’s not bad enough, he applies so much that she chokes and coughs on it. (I’m not present when this happens, this is what my daughter has told me). He knows she has an inhaler, she hasn’t had to use it for some time, but she got it when she had a persistent cough for 3 months.

He cares so much about his ‘image’ that it’s affecting my daughter. He tells her she looks scruffy with her hair the way I do it. I put a clip in the top to keep the frizz down, but she has such beautiful hair, I only do it to keep it from blowing in her face, otherwise, I’d just leave it.

This isn’t the first time this has happened. I have told him more than 6 times to not put the product in her hair. He’s BALD, for Pete’s sake! What does he know about hair? Telling me she has split ends! I said ‘Mate, you’re bald!

You don’t know what split ends look like!’

I’m at the end of my rope now. His obsession with looking neat and tidy is causing my daughter pain when I try and fix the mess he makes with her long hair.

I told him if he plans on doing it again, then he’s not having her anymore.


Another User Comments:

“YTJ for threatening to take a child away from her father over an issue that you’re apparently both handling wrong. A bun is not the answer either. All he needs to do is go to court and say you’re withholding visitation based on hairspray and a court will award time to him.

I used to do custody law and this kind of alienation requires much stronger support than this or a court looked down more on the person who alienated the other parent than the one accused of harming.

He would absolutely be the jerk for not listening if you were handling this correctly but it looks like you both have a lot to learn about handling curly hair in kids.

Learn together and do better at communicating without an ultimatum or threats for the sake of your child.” Indusnm

Another User Comments:

“The two of you need to go to a salon that specializes in curly textured hair and get some lessons on the correct products and styling techniques.

Most curly hair isn’t supposed to be brushed. So you’re possibly doing it wrong. There are other ways to deal with the tangles, and other protective styles besides a bun that dad could learn to master.

She also shouldn’t be exposed to hairspray at her age and certainly not in that quantity.

But dad is using it because it’s the only product he is familiar with. There are creams and oils and other products he could be taught to use to help your daughter and him.

NTJ but I would suggest both of you work together to educate yourselves on what could possibly work better for her.” neeksknowsbest

Another User Comments:

“I’m voting YTJ even though I think you both are (I was going to vote ‘everyone sucks here’, but you sound like a bigger one). He needs to find a better way to manage her hair and it sounds like you do too.

Withholding custody is going to hurt her more than anything. He gets her 4 days a month. Co-parent nicely with him and maybe show him what works best for her or find a non-aerosol product that can work for those 4 days. Better yet, both of you take her somewhere where you can BOTH learn how to do it—nicely for special occasions, quickly for physical activities, for school, etc.

Lastly, shame on you for shaming him for being bald. He may not have a lot of experience styling someone else’s hair (or curly or long hair) and just because someone’s bald doesn’t mean he doesn’t know what a split end is.

You think it’s all about his image, but maybe she does look a bit ‘scruffy’ like when some women make a messy bun. Also, it may be that he’s doing something quick and easy because he only gets her for a weekend. I’ve known weekend custody parents that try to do too much in two days because time is so short and corners are cut.

Perhaps your daughter can show him some YouTube videos of how she wants her hair done? Withholding visitation is only going to hurt her and later you.” User

-2 points (2 vote(s))

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rbleah 1 year ago
How about dad finds something that works WITHOUT CAUSING MORE DAMAGE TO DAUGHTER
S LUNGS? You are wrong to go there first tho.
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2. AITJ For Giving My Oldest Kids More Money?


“So I have 4 children, two from my previous marriage and two from my current marriage. My first wife passed away when our children were both under 3 years old. She and I made a promise before we had our children, to each deposit $350 into their account every month for their education.

After she passed, I felt it was my job to fulfill her part of our promise. I couldn’t afford to deposit 700 each, so I lowered the amount to 450 each. I also do the same for my 2 other children, though the amount is 200.

My current wife had no problem with the amount I gave my children and ours.

However, when I increase the amount to 550 for my children and 250 for ours. She did have a problem with it. She finds it unfair I gave my two older children 100 and our two your ones just 50. I explained to her why it’s a 100 more for my 2 oldest. Their mother is no longer alive to fulfill her promise, so I’m doing it for her.

It’s 50 from me and 50 from her.

She still thinks it’s unfair and finds it annoying that my dead ex is dictating our finances. She said I should treat all my children equally and give them an equal increase. I explained again that I’m their only parent and they only have me to save up for their future.

Our children still have 2 parents to save up for them. I told her she could add the other 50. I also told her that I didn’t appreciate her calling her my deceased ex. She’s not an ex, she’s still my wife. I told her that I find it weird that she is so intimidated by someone that is not alive.

She screamed at me after I told her that, and she stormed off and hasn’t spoken to me since Friday.

I’m having some doubts about my decision now. It might sound fair in my head, but my younger two might feel they are being treated unfairly.

I might’ve also gone too far by saying she felt intimidated by my first wife. I was just a little frustrated. So AITJ for giving my oldest two more money?”

Another User Comments:

“In my opinion, YTJ.

The agreement for her to contribute to her children each month was appropriate when she was alive.

Now that she’s not, you took it upon yourself to continue doing the monthly payments. You are continuing the tradition. She is not here to contribute herself.

You now have a new wife who (apparently) is not doing monthly payments toward the kids. Any amount you’re earning today is with your new wife.

Your kids absolutely will NOT understand why half of them get substantially more. They will think you only care about your first 2 kids. And your wife is right to be upset. Do it equally or not at all.

It would be one thing if your wife left money behind.

That would absolutely be appropriate to give to her kids only. But to go out of your way to ensure your kids get more of your money is a jerk move. YTJ

Edit to say – your new wife is contributing $150 to her kids only.

That means you should only consider $150 more for your kids after YOUR contribution among ALL children is exactly the same amount. The base pay that comes from you needs to be equal, then wife payments are considered after. YTJ because your contribution is purposely higher for your 2 first children.

And you are using your deceased wife as an excuse. YTJ” squirreltrap

Another User Comments:


First of all, your deceased wife is not still your wife. Come to terms with that. You have a wife who’s alive and well, and if you want to keep her around you better start acting like the opinions of the living mean more than the opinions of the deceased. I don’t mean to be insulting, but you’re living in the past and that spells doom for the future.

It’s noble that you want to keep your promise, but the situation has changed. Would your deceased wife expect 4 children to all receive $700 per month? Probably not, if the household can’t afford it. Would she expect you to treat her children differently than your others?

I would hope not.

Your current wife was fine with your promise before, but then you unequally increased the amount you were contributing. That’s why it became an issue. Make it right. You and your wife should pool money each month, then divide it equally amongst all your collective children.

Base it on what you can both afford, not some sort of pre-existing agreement. It may decrease what your older two get monthly, but so what? It’s free money, not something they’re earning.

Real talk: you didn’t have to get married again or have two more children.

But you did. You changed the situation and made it what it is, so you better start taking proper responsibility and treat all your kids fairly. Ideally, your wife would help out by increasing her contributions as well, if she can afford to do so.” _BigJuicy

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. I was torn until I calculated what you described. For the older two, you contribute 550 monthly, so per your definition, if half is on your late wife’s behalf, 275 from your side and 275 in your wife’s stead. For the younger ones, you contribute 250.

I do know that both you and your wife wanted to contribute more, but the harsh reality is that your wife cannot contribute herself anymore. So by that definition, you are still giving your older kids 25 more a month than your younger kids.

The whole situation is complicated and will probably get even more complicated if you throw in inheritance at some stage (are the older kids only going to inherit from you?

What if your current wife passes first?) Then again, you could both live to 110. Thus, the fund you’re providing early on might be a lot more valuable in the long run.

For me, the current setup is definitely better for the older kids. At least increase the contribution for the younger kids to 275 to be equal as per your own definition.

I’d personally increase the amount for all kids to be the same total monthly, though this needs to be an open discussion with your wife on how much she can contribute.

Inheritance-wise, if you and your current wife have split finances, maybe your older kids can get double what the younger ones will get (as they’ll also get something from their mom).

I don’t envy the position you’re in, as it is complicated. But please keep in mind that your younger children will very likely not consider the current setup fair, and this could end up seriously hurting your relationship with them.” SorchaOelf

-2 points (2 vote(s))

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jojow 1 year ago
ESH you need better communication with wife 2. Wife 1 died and left you with two kids. You collect wife 1s social security on have a right to pit some of that in older kids education account as well as what you earn. You also have two kids with wife two. You put money you earn into education account for wife 2s kids. Why isn't wife 2 contributing toward her own kids education account?
Spouse therapy for the two of you to help you communicate. Plus a neutral financial advisor.
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1. WIBTJ If I Don't Go To My Dad's Wedding?


“I (26m) was raised in a strict Christian ethnic household. My parents got married and had me later in life.

There were a lot of biblical principles enforced in the home but when it came down to action, there was a lot of hypocrisy on my dad’s side. He would sit and read his Bible preaching about love and how he’s being changed by God but when my mom would ask him to help with around the house, he’d snap back and tell her it was her responsibility to keep the house.

My dear mom tried her best to make the most of the situation by raising me to treat others with kindness and love but I saw many times that she wasn’t happy in her marriage and I would beg her to leave.

Last year my parents got sick.

My dad (70m) quickly recovered, but my mom (65f) kept getting worse and passed away. A few red flags happened after: Approx 2-3 mths after mom passed away, my dad told me he wants to get married again. 3-4 months later, saying he found a lady who he’s been talking to for a month.

When I asked him why he was moving so fast, he said ‘she loves the Lord and wants to obey her husband’. He also stated that the reason his marriage with his mom was unhappy was that they were of different races and ethnic backgrounds.

Somehow he believes that this new lady (even though she is from the same country as my mom) will be different because they are the same race this time. He has wiped his home from any memory of my mom (he didn’t want any pictures of her).

Fast forward to last month, my wife and I were on vacation. One day we got a bunch of calls, one of them being from my dad. I called him back and stated how it was weird how I randomly received so many calls. I hung up with him and went to check the other calls which just ended up being work-related. My dad called me again saying he was worried about the many calls and he wanted to tell me when I got back before I heard from anyone else that he is getting married next month.

Mind you, I only had five more days left on my vacation and the date I was to come back would be only 10 DAYS away from the planned wedding date. And on TOP of that, they set the wedding date TWO days before what would have been my mom’s birthday.

He was getting people to help set it up, but telling them not to tell me until he told me first. Now he says he doesn’t want to lose me and he wants me to be at his wedding. I asked him why and he said it would be embarrassing if his son isn’t there.

This whole situation has left a bad taste in my mouth. It’s now a year since she passed and it feels very strange to go to a funeral one year and a wedding the next. My dad is well respected in the church. He has been spreading a narrative that I am a wayward child and he has been working to right his failures by trying to get the two of us to connect but I have been shutting down his attempts.

I have been getting several calls from people we know that I should go to my dad’s wedding in order to support him and show him respect. WIBTJ if I didn’t go?”

Another User Comments:

“I think the motivating factor in your dad’s quick remarrying is that he wants a servant, which is what a wife is to him.

Your mom played that role, rather than truly being the love of his life, which is why it’s easy for him to erase her. That role needs to be filled for his own comfort and ease in life and can be filled by anyone who is willing to obey.

Marriage is a convenience to him, and as such, doesn’t earn any special behavior on your part. Perhaps a still grieving child will set aside that grief to celebrate what they see as a TRUE new love, but you know that’s not the case, and you are seeing firsthand proof of suspicions you had about his relationship with your mom and his character.

NTJ in any situation (save homophobia and racism) where you aren’t able to attend a wedding, but especially not this one because it’s not about the wedding, it’s about the type of person he is showing himself to be and his true intentions: to replace his servant, to put on a show, to give a certain impression.

He also has shown no care for your feelings or respect for you, so why would you owe him the same? I don’t think his feelings are involved here as much as his selfish motives, but even if they were, that would need to be a two-way road.

I recommend remaining above reproach and simply wishing him well rather than wasting breath explaining his flaws to him. He doesn’t care and who cares what his church thinks of you anyway? A simple ‘I can’t do that, I’m still grieving, but you do you’ will leave him with little ammunition against you, which makes it harder for him to live in his delusion.

A small win.” sakura03220

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You are under no obligation to go to a wedding that you don’t wish to attend. Since it seems to be for appearances and for no other reason, I am even more in support of your decision.

As regards your late mother’s erasure, that is on your father. I hope that you have gathered whatever mementos of her can give you some peace and good memories of her.

However, getting remarried within a year of a spouse’s death is not that uncommon.

Too often, children object to their parents remarrying because ‘not enough time has passed.’ Such objections are, simply, unfair to the living spouse, regardless of how it gets gussied up in religious terms.

Also, your story seems to have some antipathy towards the new bride.

None of this is her fault. And you’d be a jerk to allow your feelings towards your father to slip over to her.” Individual_Ad_9213

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – But I’d probably still go if I were in your shoes. Hear me out.

At 40 years old, I’ve seen many, many people, especially men, who rush out and get remarried soon after the passing of their spouse. Some people don’t like being alone and want the companionship for their final years, which is likely your father’s motivation for this marriage.

Biblically, once separated by the afterlife, people are free to remarry. This is your dad’s way of moving on, which is fine for him.

As far as you’re concerned, it’s totally up to you whether or not you’d like to attend because, obviously, you have no obligation to do so.

You’re older now with a family of your own and do not need to establish a close relationship with his new soon-to-be wife, so your presence at his wedding would serve only two ends: First, for your dad, it would be a sign that you love and support him, even if you don’t necessarily agree with his decision; second, for yourself, it would certainly be an annoying situation, but you likely won’t ever regret that you went, though you may someday regret that you didn’t go.

For that reason alone, if it were me, I would swallow my pride and show up.

I wouldn’t be overly gracious or warm, but I’d be there at least for the service so that (a) I wouldn’t be handing someone ammo to hold over my head down the road, and much more importantly (b) if I ever have a change of heart due to aging and gained wisdom I wouldn’t have any regrets… because trust me, that happens as you age.

You start to see situations like this through other lenses and recognize other perspectives. There are a few big things I would do differently from my 20s if I had the opportunity to change the past. One decision I made caused irreparable damage to my relationship with my mother, who is the same age as your father.

It was 21 years ago, and we are just now beginning to get past it. I was so sure I was right, and objectively speaking, even now if I told the story, people would say I wasn’t the jerk. However, I can now see the situation through the emotions of my parents, and it would have been a very small effort to change my unwavering mind on something I wasn’t willing to budge about, and that would have made all the difference in the world.

You definitely are NTJ, but please still at least consider attending the event.” LeggoMyEgo8

-2 points (2 vote(s))

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rbleah 1 year ago
NTJ Do not go unless you don't have a problem with being a game piece for dear old daddy,
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