People Are Desperate To Be Heard After Telling Their “Am I The Jerk?” Stories
21. AITJ For Refusing To Cancel My Annual Trip For My Best Friend's Son's Birthday Party?
“I have been best friends with Mara (not real name) since primary school. I am very much child-free though I do love to spoil my friends’ kids whenever I can. Mara has 2 boys. Ages are irrelevant for this.
On to the why I may be the jerk.
I take a trip to an event that is held every year on Easter weekend. I have gone for the last 6 years it’s been held and it costs a fair bit of money with the ticket, travel, and hotel alone. Not including any food. Mara is aware I go on this trip yearly as I send her pictures and constantly remind her it’s Easter weekend when I won’t be in town.
Well, today Mara reached out to tell me she planned her oldest son’s birthday party for March 30th this year. I apologized and said I wouldn’t be able to make it as I would be at the event. She said, “You can come back into town for the party and then go back to the event when the party is over.” I told her no it’s a 6-hour drive round trip, and once I was there and settled into my room I’d only be riding in shuttles between the event venues and hotel.
She says I’m being ridiculous and I need to grow up for once and realize what’s important. I refused and offered to celebrate with them earlier or after and she said no she already planned the party. So I told her I wouldn’t be missing or canceling my trip.
She posted about it on social media not using our names but in the gist of “You will not put your childish things before my children and expect me to cater to you”. It has a lot of comments saying whoever expected that of her (me) is a jerk and should be cut from her life.
At this point I’m confused and starting to think I should just miss part of the day Saturday and make the 6-hour drive there and back. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She can plan this party. She can invite you. What she can’t do is force you to cancel or disrupt your own plans for hers.
Her kid won’t be devastated if you’re not there unless she is making it out to be a big deal, and maybe not even then. An invitation is not a summons. Her insults are not making it more appealing to go to the birthday party.
Enjoy your event.” FuzzyMom2005
Another User Comments:
“This is a power play. She knew that you would not be available and expected you to cancel well-established plans. Saying that you drive 6 hours for a nonemergency. Do not cancel your weekend plans. If she wants to cut you off well that tells you where you really stand with her.
NTJ.” Whorible_wife69
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. A child’s party is by definition, a childish thing. Why would a friend ask you to spend 12 hours away from your event, to do something childish, that could have been arranged on a different date? The social media post has no context.
If she posted “I expect my friend to leave the once-a-year thing she really enjoys, to spend an hour at my child’s birthday party, when I knew she’d be six hours away,” she would be read for filth.” Vuirneen
20. AITJ For Asking My Fiancé To Split My Amazon Prime Subscription Cost?
“My (24F) fiancé (26M) and I have been together for nearly 5 years, splitting finances equally via Venmo. However, I often forget to request reimbursement for shared expenses and reconcile my receipts at the end of the month. Which frustrated my fiancé.
A few years ago he asked to use my Amazon Prime account which I’ve paid for since before we were together.
He used my account for some orders over the next year or two so one day I asked if he would be willing to split the account. He declined, opting to use his parents’ account instead. After this conversation, he continued a few orders on my account as well as Amazon video.
This made me feel kind of taken advantage of. He tends to be very frugal and will Venmo request me for everything down to a $2 game of pool. After realizing his consistent use of my account, I asked if he was willing to pay 30% of the subscription fee, but he refused, stating he never agreed to it and could use his parents’ account.
I really don’t like how possessive he is over money and I question the reciprocity in our relationship, as I feel I often contribute more than I receive.
AITJ for wanting him to help pay for the subscription?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s cheap, not frugal. He’s a good saver because he docks you for every cent he thinks is a “shared” cost and isn’t willing to accept that you do the same to him.
What a great deal for him. Change your passwords to anything he uses and refuses to pay for. Venmo request him for every cent and see if he likes it. These are petty suggestions, but in all honesty, it just sounds like you two are not financially compatible (unless he’s willing to change).
His money is always going to be only his, and you’ll forever be feeling like you’re being short-changed because he wants a system that always benefits him. Some serious conversations about money need to happen before a wedding takes place, that’s for sure.” Fickle_Pickle_3452
Another User Comments:
“NTJ RUN!! Speaking from personal experience. This behavior will not change. If it’s this bad now, just think about trying to make a major purchase or if you ever have kids. His money is his and he wants any/all you’ll give him.
My own SO and I started out your way – kids and housing changed the dynamic for the worse. EVERY expenditure was debated. It was exhausting. He’s now an ex with no relationship with his kids because every transaction requires payment; Emotional or financial. No sense of generosity or altruism.” GladUnderstanding756
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is a huge red flag! Relationships are give and take. Does it have to be equal…right down to the $2 request? No, but it certainly doesn’t sound equitable. It sounds as though he is controlling and dismissive, and you are being used. You say you often feel you contribute more than you receive.
Please consider making a list of as many examples as you can. The examples do not have to only be financial ones. Once the list is complete, wait a couple of days and then review it. If you still think it is accurate and complete, sit your fiancé down and have a heart-to-heart conversation.
A successful marriage is one where even difficult conversations can be had and problems resolved. If you are hesitant to speak to him about finances (or any other issue for that matter) then you should insist on pre-marital counseling so that these issues will be discussed with a neutral 3rd party.
You are an equal in your relationship but you are allowing him to treat you as something less. His reaction to your conversation or suggestion for counseling will tell you all you need to know. If he resists, he is not nearly as concerned about your welfare as he should be.
I hope things work out for you.” Pleasant_Test_6088
19. AITJ For Not Socializing Or Helping Plan My Son's Wedding Due To My Social Anxiety?
“My son is the first in my family to get married. I have never been married. I’ve always been a single mother.
(I’m 65) My son and his wife live 5 hours away from me so I don’t see them often. Upon the engagement news, I told my son I wouldn’t have much funds to contribute towards the wedding but I’m always supportive. They got back to me via text and told me they never expected anything from me as they know my financial position and I’m also housing my daughter and grandson.
I will also say I am a very shy person and have social anxiety. For their engagement party they held in my city, I came for an hour and left. Big social gatherings aren’t my thing. I don’t think my DIL took it well but I’m sure my sons explained my social anxiety.
For their wedding, I was sent an invitation and my kids and I planned on attending. Along with my one brother and his wife. My family is extremely small, and my DIL’s side had probably 100 guests. While I don’t know much about weddings, and wasn’t asked to help with anything I just showed up when the day came.
Upon entering we sat in the church (in the pews) waiting for the ceremony and her family was in the hallways all socializing. My son came and sat with us an hour before the wedding and then sat with us halfway through the dinner. He also stood in line with us for pictures while his wife was socializing.
My DIL won’t talk to us and it’s extending to my son because we ruined her day. She said we didn’t help wedding plan or want to be involved even though she understood I couldn’t help financially. She was upset I never once reached out to her if they needed help and that I didn’t care to socialize and talk to anyone at the wedding.
And that my son had to keep leaving her side in order to make us comfortable. She also said her family was asking all night if we even wanted to be there because of how “aloof” and rude we seemed. Because of this, she doesn’t think we support them or their marriage.
My son said my DIL is extremely disappointed in us. I wasn’t rude to anyone and tried to let them enjoy their day without intruding. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It’s understandable to everyone – including your son – that you couldn’t contribute funds.
What isn’t understandable is that you couldn’t contribute any effort, even to be a decent guest on the day of. During the celebration week you: 1. ducked out of the engagement party early 2. Sat alone and waiting for the ceremony to start while everyone else was socializing 3.
Ignored other guests to the point that they thought you didn’t want to be there and your son – the actual groom – had to take time on his wedding day to babysit you 4. Didn’t reach out with any questions about how you could be involved – planning a mother/son dance, making a few brief remarks, anything.
Your children only have so many milestone events in their lives. It’s the least to expect a parent to show up with enthusiasm and love, enjoying the moment with them rather than, as seems to be your case, merely enduring it.” DueIsland2983
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. There’s a lot of assumptions going on in both parties. You assumed your son would explain your social anxieties and that you’d be absolved of any responsibility to step out of your comfort zone because of that. They assumed you’d reach out to ask if they needed any non-financial help with the wedding instead of asking you for what they wanted/needed. Worst though is it doesn’t sound like you even seemed excited or happy for them at their events.
This whole post was about you and your discomfort and I think you could use some introspection on how your actions affect others around you.” Hot_Box_4574
Another User Comments:
“I’m sorry – but I have to say YTJ. Though, obviously not intentionally. I noticed people keep saying that DIL didn’t communicate expectations – but frankly, the idea that the mother of the groom needs to be specifically told to be involved is a little silly.
Not financially, that’s completely fine, but it never once occurred to you to ask out to help set up or clean or anything like that? Aside from that, and this is on your son as well, he shouldn’t have spent that much time at his own wedding sitting with you.
I’m getting the impression that he felt obligated to do this and it took away from his time with everyone else, most importantly the bride. Also, it’s rude that you didn’t even seem to bother trying to say hello to her family – your son’s family.
It absolutely does come off as rude. I understand social anxiety is hard, I have social anxiety, but you’re a grown woman and you need to be able to make yourself say hello to what is now your son’s family.” jkshfjlsksha
18. AITJ For Skipping My Niece's Party Because My Sister Excluded My Autistic Children?
“My sister doesn’t particularly like 2 of my children.
They are 8 and 10, have autism, and are high-energy, but they are great kids.
I don’t just say that because they are mine, they are exceptional students, excel in their musical/sports hobbies and are well-liked by everyone. No one else in the family has an issue with them, and we recently attended a formal sit-down dinner and dance for my grandmother’s 80th birthday, with zero issues.
When they were younger I refused to set them up for failure, and avoided fancy restaurants or other places not appropriate for high-energy kiddos. So we did miss my sister’s 40th, as I had newly separated from my ex-husband, had a newborn via cesarean, and wasn’t sure that I could cope with the kids in that setting, but was reliant on others to drive us there so couldn’t just leave if needed (plus it was a per head buffet and would have been a waste to leave before eating).
I believe she is still upset about that, 6 years later.
There will be other children at this party, around 20 of them ranging from 11 down to newborn. My nieces invited me, and then my sister changed dates, so it’s no longer on my kid-free weekend. She then contacted me saying ‘you will have to get a babysitter for those 2’.
My other children are invited (19/13/6yo).
They are hiring a hall, cooking a BBQ dinner, and having a local band play, so it’s very family-friendly.
I’ve booked a holiday overseas instead for myself and the kids and we will be there instead. I’ll send the girls some cash as presents, and they are both moving to the city where I now live for university next year so I’ll help them move and fill their pantries as a housewarming gift, which I did for my oldest child as well.
Now my sister is complaining that I’m going on holiday rather than the party.
So AITJ for not taking some of my children to the party and getting a babysitter for two of them?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but this is something you’re going to want to get ahead of.
Your sister is going to paint you as the bad guy for not attending. Makes sure people who are important to you know exactly why you’re not attending and that it’s because your sister decided to be an ableist jerk and told you that two of your children were banned for being neurodivergent.” Abstruse
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – referring to ya kids with Autism as “those two” is enough for me to leave that relationship in the dust!! You took a moment where your kids could’ve felt excluded – and instead made it clear to them all they were equally as important to you!
Have a fabulous holiday!!” Significant_Fly1516
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Hope you have a fantastic holiday. Maybe next time you get an invitation it will be for everyone. If not, people will hopefully get the idea that your loving family stays together. I hate when I hear things like this where someone has to make a difficult choice.
I think you are making the right one.” 123abcde321
17. AITJ For Defending My Adult Son's Playful Behavior And Love For Milk?
“I (47f) have a son (21m), and recently my husband’s brother and family came over for a little during spring break. They moved to our state earlier this calendar year, and we’ve both been busy and this was our first chance to really spend some time together.
I was setting up for dinner and I brought out the carton of milk as my son quite enjoys milk. My sil said that her kid (7m) doesn’t drink milk and that it was ok and I said oh, no it’s for my son. She said oh, ok in an odd tone but I ignored it.
My son texted me that he would be 10-15 minutes late so we started without him. When he came in he said hello, washed his hands, and came to sit down. As he did he gave his sister (16f) a half-noogie, if that makes sense, since he just rubbed his knuckles on her head, then sat down.
After the meal, my SIL asked why my son was acting like that and I asked her what she meant, she said well what he did when he sat down, the milk, it just seems childish. I said well he and his sister are close and he was just being playful, and milk is just a drink.
She said that he was a grown man and should just drink water and that it wasn’t playful it was childish. I told her that she was being ridiculous as I saw nothing childish about it and she said well maybe you should reconsider it.
I said I don’t think I will, and she said that I was raising an odd son. I told her to just drop it in a quite angry tone and she seemed taken aback. I am starting to think I overreacted, and maybe she is right.”
Another User Comments:
“I am in my thirties, I drink chocolate milk on occasion. I must be a toddler. I also kid around with my 25-year-old sister. Whoa, I need to watch it. SIL is weird and judgemental. Ask her next time if you add Kahlua or something to the milk would she feel better?
Oh and he can shake his sister’s hand or just ignore her, as they have now gone NC . Pfft. NTJ.” Accomplished_Two1611
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your son wasn’t being childish, he sounds like a perfectly normal kid. Young adult. Whatever. Good on you for not being a doormat.
Your SIL is wrong. And condescending. Her kid is only 7, she’s not even been through the trenches of the teenage years yet, what does she know about any of it to even have an opinion? How dare your son have fun and drink a common beverage?
Don’t let other people convince you to doubt yourself. Your initial reaction was correct.” thatsointeresting
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Does your SIL have a screw loose? I’m old AF and still drink milk. I love milk. It’s one of my favorite drinks. Good lord, how do you eat cookies otherwise?
I’m gonna go grab a glass right now just because we’re talking about it. As for childish affection, my siblings and I, poke each other, sit on each other, have fun together, text each other goofy emojis… if that is childish I hope we never stop.
I smashed a cupcake in my brother’s face the other day. It was hilarious. Good for you for raising a son who shows affection to his little sister. If that’s childish, I hope you never break him of it. Life is too short to be so serious, and crushing the child out of a man should never be the goal of his family.
Sadly, life often takes care of that one.” inFinEgan
16. AITJ For Ignoring My Sister's Fiancé At Their Wedding After He Sent Inappropriate Texts To Me?
“So last year my sister’s (32F) partner (42M) sent me (23M) inappropriate texts, testing the waters to see if I would flirt back. He claimed to miss me in an inappropriate way. I tried giving him the benefit of the doubt by saying that maybe he doesn’t mean this behavior in an inappropriate way, but then he doubled down by saying he did maybe mean it in an inappropriate way.
He then went on about how he loved my hair, I smelled nice, etc.
I was very uncomfortable. He sent me a text the next day saying he was sorry because he was inebriated but I said nothing back. Him being inebriated is nothing new.
He has a drinking problem, even openly drinking while driving. Him being sober would be surprising! Plus I stayed over their house just for one day and he texted me this stuff at night 3 days later! So it wasn’t like he got inebriated the same night or the day after.
This was on his mind days later.
I told my sister what happened privately in person. She said that this truly blindsided her as she thought that this month was actually going pretty great for their relationship. We looked at the timestamp of when he texted me that night and apparently, he texted me that he missed me inappropriately while my sister was in the next room.
My sister was obviously heartbroken and started crying. She said that she doesn’t think it’s being unfaithful, and neither do I, but it’s definitely suspicious and weird. She told me that she won’t bring it up that she knows about his inappropriate texts, but that she will mentally distance herself and slowly save up to eventually move out.
The next morning, my sister changed her mind. She talked with her partner and she said that they worked it out. But she clarified that I shouldn’t worry because she doesn’t believe everything he said. She just wants him to know that she knows. She said, “I guessed what his motivation for texting you was.
That he also didn’t mean it like that. But I read the texts and they were very inappropriate and I respect your decision. We are on good terms but I have my eyes open and my heart protected.” I got annoyed and said, “What do you mean by keeping your eyes open and heart protected?
That means that you’re going to second-guess everything he’s going to do now? Are you really in love with him or are you just afraid of being alone?” She then said, “I really do love him! I don’t want to throw away 5 years over some texts!”
We didn’t talk much after that until recently when they decided to get married. I will attend the wedding but I won’t pretend to be happy. I won’t frown or look mad in his direction, I will just ignore his existence.
She claimed that I’m overreacting.
That I shouldn’t take some text messages so seriously as he never did anything like that to me after that. Which is true, he never talked to me after that. She added that I should be there to support her on her big day. I said that I will support her.
I will just ignore that he exists. I will pretend that she is marrying a ghost. She called me a jerk.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I wouldn’t even go. He’s a 40-year-old man hitting on his partner’s 20-year-old little brother, while his partner was in a room next to him.
Your sister is a fool for staying with him but unfortunately, you can’t change that. So I would stay far away from his manipulative self. You can support your sister from a safe distance and be there for her when he eventually gets caught being unfaithful to her.” RoyalEquivalent2837
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t think enough people in your life and on here are considering that you were harassed by someone close to you and that’s not the kind of thing you just get over. Have you gotten an apology (a real one, not just an attempt to cover his self the next morning)?
I do think going to the wedding and ignoring him is going to come across as immature, but I can’t really fault you for that.” SneakySneakySquirrel
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Look we all know he is already being unfaithful to her. She knows it and wants to play dumb.
Just tell her not to come crying to you when she’s a few kids in and finds proof of his unfaithfulness. The guy’s drinking is likely from his denial of his sexuality if he was hitting you up. If he’s not already being unfaithful to her with a man then he will be soon enough.” mocha_lattes_
15. AITJ For Accepting A Drink From A Guy Who Mistook Me For A Girl?
“Let me start this off with two things:
1. I don’t dress ‘like a girl’ or anything (I know that anyone can wear makeup/certain clothing items I’m just trying to clear that I’m not wearing dresses, makeup, etc)
2. I was naturally born with ‘gentle’ features.
I have light eyes and I’m considered ‘short’ for a dude. My face is ‘girly’ according to my dad growing up and I currently rock my wavy-curly hair slightly past my shoulders. I often wear jeans/loose flannel. It is not the first time that I have been mistaken for a girl before.
No, I do not have a ‘feminine’ voice. Genetics is a lottery and I got half.
What happened was that I went to one of my campus bars to chill and stuff. Right now I have a badly popped pimple on my upper lip thanks to a friend so I wore a black facial mask until it healed off.
While I was sitting, the bar dude let me know that one of the guys wanted to pay for my drink. He asks if I’m comfortable with that since he obviously knows I’m a guy. I just nod my head and say I’m cool with it.
I took the drink and after I asked him which guy sent it over. He pointed behind me to a table a bit far offish but not exactly. I nodded at the dude as a thanks and held up the empty shot glass to show.
Returned to my business.
The guy who got me the shot sat next to me and asked how I was. I replied that I’m good just trying to relax after class and exams. He gets that ‘oh no’ look and asks if I’m a guy, I say yea.
He gets upset and asks “so why the heck you took the shot then” and I just shrugged saying he offered it. He asks me to front the money up because it was obvious he was paying for a lady, I refuse and point out that he chose to pay for a random person’s drink.
He tried to get the bartender involved but even he said that he paid for a random person’s drink and he’s not going to charge me.
The guy left angry, cursing and stuff. What brings me here today is that when I was telling my roommate about the stuff I experienced at the campus bar he said it’s funny but I’m still a jerk for taking a drink that wasn’t intended for me since I’m not a girl.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. His reaction could have been a chuckle and a, “Oh, darn! Well, I hope you enjoyed it. My buddies are going to laugh their backsides off but at least it’s a good story. Later.” He shot his shot, it just happened to be on his own goal. Guys buying drinks for women has a fairly high loss rate so it’s not like he missed out on anything that was guaranteed.” NomNom83WasTaken
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He bought the drink cause he found you attractive at the end of the day. He took personal offense because he found a guy attractive thinking you were a girl. The same outcome could have happened if the girl wasn’t interested when he walked over.
I am sure he’s the type of guy to go “Oh but you drank the drink why aren’t you interested?”” MightyShenDen
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I was in my early 50s and sitting at a table in the middle of a bar and the server came over with a drink from the guy at the bar.
I took it and picked it up and toasted him a thank you. It made me laugh when he walked over and realized that his inxoticated self hadn’t realized I was 20 years older than him. Random dudes should look before they leap.” feminist1946
14. AITJ For Making My Daughter Break Up With Her Partner To Focus On Her Studies?
“To start this, I (39M) have been on semi-good terms with my daughter (19F).
Her mother and I separated when she was still a child due to personal reasons. I didn’t get to contact my daughter as I cut contact with her and her mother back then until she contacted me back when she was 17 informing me that her mother passed away.
I was devastated not knowing that her mother had no longer been with us for a year and my daughter asked me if I could take her in as she wanted to go to a better senior high school and college for her future. During this time, I remarried to her now stepmother (31F).
When my daughter got into college, she met a guy from her class. They hit it off quite well. She was dividing her time between me, her friends, studies, work, and her then-partner. I then asked her before New Year’s if I could meet him.
She then set up a dinner for us at a restaurant. As I and my wife were seated at a table, she and her partner were 10 minutes late due to an appointment she had with work. My wife started disliking her partner as she thought being punctual was a high standard to have.
I shut her off saying that my daughter had an appointment that day and to be patient. When they got to the table, I remember seeing and hearing my daughter being happy that she got high honors. I was so proud of her as she worked and studied hard.
Then my wife, her partner, and I got to talking. I thought her partner was nice and all. As for my wife, she disliked her partner. After the talk, we finished dinner and went home.
As we got home, my wife talked to me saying I should tell my daughter to end her relationship with her partner because she disliked him.
I called her unreasonable until she exclaimed that my daughter has to focus on her studies and work rather than her happiness. Saying stuff like what if she gets pregnant, becomes distracted, etc. We then argued all night and I ended up having to agree as she brought up points of how my daughter is always happy with giving more time and effort to her partner and is always in a playful mood rather than using it for her work and studies.
I then had a talk with my daughter the next day. She started off being happy and planning for her upcoming birthday. I then brought up that she has to end her relationship with her partner or else we won’t fund her college and her birthday.
She started crying and breaking down asking why. I then told her what my wife told me, and ever since then, they ended their relationship and she hasn’t been the same since. She stopped being overly happy, her grades started going down, she started giving empty responses, and started smoking.
My wife’s cousin called me and my wife a jerk when we consulted her. My wife then argued about how it’s unfair for us. Now I’m feeling immensely guilty for all this, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. First, you abandon your child over a conflict with her mother.
She deserved to have both her parents in her life. Then, you strong-arm her into ending her relationship with someone she loves because you accept your wife’s idiot paranoia that your daughter will destroy her whole life if she’s not forced to be single at a time when most people are meeting their life partners.
And now you’re shocked that she’s depressed and doesn’t care about you or the life she had been trying to build for herself. Why is your daughter so unimportant to you? Why are you so willing to let the woman you’ve been with destroy her life and your relationship with her?
You should feel guilty. You’ve been a shockingly bad parent.” KaliTheBlaze
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You and your wife are strangers in your daughter’s life. You abandoned her while she was growing up and your wife barely knows her. She makes contact and very nearly the first thing you do is tell her to end her relationship with her partner (who sounds fine to me).
You do this on the basis that your wife decides based on nothing whatsoever, that your daughter (who she’s just met) should be focusing on her studies. You then proceed to blackmail your daughter (who you hardly know) into doing this. You are horrendous and so is your wife.” RevRos
Another User Comments:
“You and your wife are grade-A jerks. Neither one of you has the authority to tell your ADULT daughter who she can or cannot see while in college. ESPECIALLY YOUR WIFE. She is not your daughter’s mother. She is not a parental figure in her life in any way, shape, or form.
And quite honestly, neither are you. You abandoned her for well over a decade, and you didn’t even have the consciousness to check in on your ex that you had no idea she even died. Your daughter is 19. She is a legal adult. You had no right.
And neither did your wife. You are in no shape to be telling her how to live her life after the way you messed up as a father. Good on you for proving to your daughter that she is the least important person in her life and forced to give up the one person that made her happy during the time when she probably misses her mom the most. You’re not only a jerk.
You’re a crapshow of a father. And your wife needs to stay in her lane.” AsianAngel418
13. AITJ For Wanting To Stay Up Late In My Shared College Dorm Room?
“I am college roommates this year with my best friend from high school (Both 19F). The first semester of college everything was okay, but we did start to realize that we have different schedules. She gets up around 8-9 and wants to be in bed around 11.
I’m a night owl and I get up around 10-11 and stay up until about 1-2 am.
We had a huge blowout a few weeks ago, as she’s been having trouble sleeping. She told me that she can’t fall asleep unless it is completely silent and dark: she’s tried sleeping masks and earplugs but they just make her too uncomfortable to sleep.
I’ve been on my phone in bed on the lowest brightness and she’s asked me if I could turn the phone off so she could sleep. I’ve been watching movies on my laptop with an extra dimmer app and she’s told me it’s too distracting with the light and she can’t sleep.
So basically at this point when she asks if we can do “lights out” or tries to remind me that it’s a SCHOOL NIGHT (we’re in freaking college?) the only conclusion we could come up with is I go out into the lobby which is absolutely crowded around 10-2 at night.
However, due to the crowdedness and the inconvenience of putting on normal clothes and gathering my stuff has made it so I usually just suck it up and go to sleep when she does.
A few weeks ago, when I told her that I’d like to stay up later that night after she asked if we could have “lights out”, I told her that she can get in bed anytime she wants but for one night I’d like to stay up.
She then got extremely upset and started saying that she can’t believe I’d put games and phone scrolling over her sleep and I need to just go in the lobby if I want to stay up. I told her she was being extremely controlling about things and I should be able to stay up as long as I’m not talking on the phone or having things incredibly bright: it’s my room too, my living space too, and she can’t see the sacrifices I’m making for her every night at this point.
I told her she was being a tyrant and not realizing everything I do for her, overreacting at the situation, and she needs to rethink things because it was ridiculous.
We’ve since made up and I’ve been going out into the lobby more often, but it’s just making me resent her more for it and I’m not sure how to go about this, talk to her about it, or stand my ground.
I understand that it’s not her fault she’s like this, but at the same time, I feel like I should be able to play games quietly or watch my phone on a low brightness in my own room. Are there any suggestions you guys could give me or different compromises other than going into the lobby?
And WIBTJ if I stood my ground and told her that I was gonna stay up in my own room? If I were to do that, what should I say?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m an extremely light sleeper and I have chronic sleep issues.
There’s a lot she can do to improve this situation that doesn’t involve you leaving your bed or changing your habits/schedule. She needs to realize that this is part of shared living spaces, especially when you sleep in the same room as someone else.
You’re both adults with your own lives and schedules, it’s not going to be the perfect sleep environment. From what you’ve written it sounds like you’re already doing even more than what’s usual and reasonable to be a good roommate and respect quiet hours.
She doesn’t get to dictate when and how you use your laptop/phone in bed or when you go to bed lol. I strongly recommend she looks into hanging blackout curtains from the ceiling, she can use this as a room divider to block light from your side.
Whatever she needs to do to sleep in a room with others as a light sleeper is fine, but it’s on her to figure out. Blackout curtains, a white noise machine, and custom-fit earplugs changed my life. Melatonin is great for nights when I can’t quite stay asleep.
If she can’t work it out then it sounds like she’s better suited to paying up for her own room.” melancholypowerhour
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ. People manage their sleeping arrangements with eye masks and earplugs when they have to share space with other people.
Ordering other adults when to go to sleep is unacceptable. If she tried masks and earplugs and didn’t like them, she should try some other ones until she finds a combo she can sleep with. It can take some getting used to; that’s normal. But it’s on her to make the adjustments.
It’s what grownups do.” Content-Plenty-268
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’ve been accommodating, she’s tried things but they don’t work, that isn’t your responsibility though. If it’s that big of an issue her option becomes “put up with it” or “move out”. There is absolutely nothing to feel guilty about as long as you’re doing your part in just not being noisy in general – that can take practice, but as long as it isn’t intentional that’s the best anybody can ask for.
So, if she persists, inform her that her options involve her transferring to another dorm, or her moving out and finding her own place. Those are her options. If she needs, you can inform your floor TA (if you have those like we did when I was in college) or those in charge of the dorm situation and get the ball rolling for her.” Daikaioshin2384
12. AITJ For Cancelling Dinner Because My Husband Kept Me Waiting?
“My husband owns a coffee shop that usually closes at 10 PM but sometimes he would close it earlier if he wants to.
Tonight, my (24F) husband (25M) told me that we should eat out for dinner since we didn’t have food at home. I said yes, and suggested that we go out around 9 PM and told him I’ll put the kids to bed at 8 PM with the house clean and everything.
He agreed, and by 8:30 both kids were already asleep and the house was clean. I messaged him that I’m ready and if we could go now.
He said that he still has a customer, and I was fine with it and mentioned something about the food.
However, he didn’t respond then 9:30 rolled around so I messaged him again. Nothing. At this point, I was STARVING and getting hangrier by the minute. I kept messaging and calling him but no response, I was getting upset because he does this all the time.
I would usually be fine but tonight I was hungry plus the kids woke up. I messaged him that I was going to just fry an egg and this dinner is over, he can eat out alone.
That’s when he started messaging me again telling me he was busy and he could just order me food, but I told him to forget it because I’m not going to starve myself again waiting for him.
He got upset and said that I should be more understanding because he was working but he does this so much that I don’t want to deal with it anymore. AITJ?
I’m not mad that we didn’t go out, it was the principle of just telling me if we were going to eat or not.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ if he offers to go for dinner with you at 9:00 PM, meaning he’s closing early as he’s a grown man who knows his business hours before he made the offer, and then at 8:30 PM, when he has a customer either he tells the customer he’s closing early (which he should have advertised) or he cancels with you, the minimal thing is to send you an update at 9 saying sorry but you’re canceling.
I mean, you could have as well but no communication when he was the one who scheduled with you?” similar_name4489
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. While I was leaning towards no jerks here, as hey, sometimes stuff happens it sounds like this happens often (him working later than planned).
Also, it’s rude to expect you to wait for hours without any communication and then blow up on you when you got tired of waiting and just ate. I, for one, would NOT be happy about waiting until 9 or 10 to eat dinner. I like to eat by 7 at the latest.” KronkLaSworda
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Dude works in a coffee shop. How difficult is it to stop and respond to a message? He isn’t performing open heart surgery, he isn’t directing traffic during rush hour, and he isn’t litigating a case in court. He’s making coffee… Starbucks employees only need to have the attention span of a goldfish to work there… I have a family member just like this.
Will never answer and then complain about making decisions because they didn’t answer. The answer is always ‘I was working’ as if their job is so important they can’t stop for a minute. It’s hilarious to me. You would think after how many times this occurs, the person would change, right?” slappada-bass
11. AITJ For Calling My Husband A Mansplainer Over His Hiring Concerns?
“I (F35) just had an argument with my husband (M37) over this. FYI, my entire job experience since I was 17 has been spent in male-dominated fields. Think of abnormally minuscule female-to-male ratios in almost every job I’ve had since then.
This is relevant later.
He was telling me about his day as a warehouse manager (normal, I enjoy hearing about his day). Apparently, over last week he interviewed and extended the offer to what will be the first female in his facility.
For some background, I will preface this by saying that he is a manager specifically to help the people who work under him.
He’s a fantastic dude, empathetic, feminist, caring, and will go ten extra miles. I would recommend literally anyone work for him, even my own children if applicable. I have only the highest regard for him. Which is why this caught me so off guard!
He was telling me (obviously, I wasn’t there, so all the info I have is what he said he told the potential hire in the interview) that “his only concern with hiring her is that she would be coming into an all-male environment, they will make off-color jokes, they will give her grief at first for being new and being under the metrics then when she inevitably crushes them (she did better than any other applicant so far PERIOD on the physical/ability assessment) she would get flak for that too, some of the guys might try to pick her up, etc. but that he was (and genuinely is!!) trying to change the culture.
If any of you are female and have worked in a male-dominated field, this is pretty much standard operating procedure. It’s the same nearly everywhere I go and personally having someone tell me that it’s their only hang-up to hiring me would be mildly offensive.
I didn’t say this however, I just mentioned that he was mansplaining the environment to her. I intended to say maybe he should approach it from a position of “hey I know you’re probably used to dealing with this, let me know ASAP if anyone crosses the line.
We’re working to change it!” but he immediately jumped down my throat.
Apparently, to him calling him a “mansplainer” is on par with calling someone a swear word. To me and the other women I’ve talked to, mansplainers are just common; likely generally with good intentions, but will still try to tell you things you already know.
In other words, a very gentle jerk.
He said it’s a slur and I crossed a huge line.
I was using what I thought was a mild word for someone affably annoying that happens all the time. But I might be the jerk because maybe it registers high on the “horribly offensive” scale and I didn’t realize it?
Also he said the actual conversation went very differently than the info he shared with me, which makes sense as he’s not usually that tone-deaf. I was just trying to provide the female side of the story based on my own experience.
AITJ for using the term “mansplain” to describe what my husband told me he said to a female interviewee?”
Another User Comments:
“I’m female, and I don’t believe that this constitutes as mansplaining. He was concerned about the environment that a female was about to enter. Sure, we’ve all heard stories about how male-dominated workplaces are, but culture is very slowly changing. clearly his workplace isn’t, as the jokes etc should have been called out before it got to this point.
She might not have worked in a solely male workplace, maybe there’s always been 1 or 2 other females paving the way. She might not have the grit to handle it. He was just essentially warning her what may or may not happen.” Ogolble
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Because mansplaining specifically relates to bias towards women it infers prejudice and sexism to whoever you are calling that. Given what else you’ve said about him and the effort he’s putting into leveling the playing field I’m not surprised he’s hurt that his partner in life thinks he is, at least in some small part, a bigot.” Wubwubwubwuuub
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I’m a woman and this doesn’t sound like mansplaining to me, but also he shouldn’t have overreacted to you calling it that, and calling it a ‘slur’ is ridiculous. I feel like both of you should work to have a more productive discussion about gender based on mutual understanding and things you agree on, instead of trying to categorize each other into harmful categories.” Tricky-Elderberry142
10. AITJ For Going Out With An Old Friend And Upsetting My Makeup-Obsessed Sister?
“I (17f) don’t like makeup. I’ve tried it before, but I don’t like how it looks on me so I never wear any.
However, my sister (19f) loves makeup and refuses to leave the house without any on. When we were in school together my sister would get mad when I got attention from boys and she didn’t, even though I was younger. She would bring up that I don’t wear makeup or put much effort into my looks, so it didn’t make sense for boys to like me more.
I do put effort into my appearance, just not to the same level as her. She would always try to get between me and any guy she thought was interested in me. Even though most of the guys were actually just friends and we laughed at her for thinking they were into me.
Which I never minded since I was never into them either. This embarrassed her and she still hasn’t let it go I guess. Now to the main story.
I recently got a partner. He’s an old friend, one of the ones who said he wasn’t into me a few years ago.
Things changed recently and we’re pretty happy together. We’ve only been together for two months, so we haven’t told that many people, including my sister. She was in town for the weekend visiting from her university. She happened to arrive when our parents weren’t home and my partner and I were cuddling on the couch watching TV.
He noticed her first and said hi. She looked confused for a minute, then started bawling and ran up to her room and slammed the door. That freaked us both out. Apparently, she called our mom when she got into her room because she came home right away.
She told us my sister said we humiliated her, but we didn’t do anything. We told Mom what happened and she was just as confused as us.
Mom got my sister to come out of her room, but she was still crying. It took a few minutes for her to calm down, but then she started screeching at me that I was a liar and a brat and I humiliated her.
When I asked how since I didn’t even talk to her before she started freaking out, she said it was because of my partner. We said before that we didn’t like each other, but now we were cuddling and it was unfair because we lied to her.
I told her we didn’t lie, but she couldn’t hold us to something we said years ago. Feelings sometimes change. But apparently, she remembers when we laughed at her for thinking we liked each other back then and how she got crap from her friends for it and now we’re together so we humiliated her for nothing.
Then she started going into her usual rants of how I don’t wear makeup and don’t dress as nice as her so it’s not fair I have a partner and she doesn’t. I told her she was being delusional and she can’t keep blaming me for her being single.
She started bawling again and ran back to her room.
My partner and mom are on my side that she’s being overdramatic, but my dad thinks I could have worded things nicer because she spent most of the weekend crying. I don’t even know. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister is toxic. She competes with you when she shouldn’t and her saying it’s unfair you have a partner when she doesn’t shows how lowly she thinks of you. She thinks she is better than you and deserves better things than you.
She needs to learn that you don’t only bag a partner by your looks but personality matters as well. She is shallow and boys can see through that. She is also being a drama queen about this situation. No wonder she can’t get a partner.” Ok_Junket8935
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The sister is a brat. “We said before that we didn’t like each other, but now we were cuddling and it was unfair because we lied to her. I told her we didn’t lie, but she couldn’t hold us to something we said years ago.” This is FACTS.
It is wild she held on to this belief for so long and it sounds like she has a crush on him. “Then she started going into her usual rants of how I don’t wear makeup and don’t dress as nice as her so it’s not fair I have a partner and she doesn’t.” Been here (the emotions of being alone) with my brother who was seeing his now wife for YEARS before I saw my wife.
But never once did I blame him for it. Your sister needs to grow up.” COLGkenny
Another User Comments:
“She STARTED the weekend crying. Over NOTHING to do with her. NTJ. Your dad was trying to find a solution (as men do) when the issue is all your sister’s.
She is insecure. She clearly puts a lot of effort into her appearance and is still single. She doesn’t understand why she is. You didn’t lie. When your sister had the conversation in the past with you and your now partner, neither of you had feelings.
It is lovely that feelings developed between the two of you, but for some reason, she thinks that SHE should have the feelings of everyone. It sounds like your relationship developed by attraction to your personalities and commonalities, where because the only effort your sister is putting in is to her appearance, maybe she should put more effort into broadening her views, life, and hobbies and she will find someone that she has in common with.” JGalKnit
9. AITJ For Letting Our Shared Dorm Become Dirty After My Roommates Refused To Help Clean?
“I (19f) met my roommates Tiana (20f), and Cara (19f) two years ago. For context, our dorm is two bedrooms, a bathroom, a living room, and a kitchen. Each person cleans their bedroom space as they see fit. We split up tasks for the shared spaces, and alternate on buying shared stuff (ex.
paper towels). We used to have a fourth roommate, Rachel (19f), but she moved out.
Originally, we didn’t have issues since we’re similar socially/academically. Tiana and Cara are pretty messy (leave dishes in the sink for weeks, takeout wrappers all over the place, etc.) but Rachel and I are on the cleaner side.
Tiana and Cara also create a lot more trash, simply because they order takeout/microwave food, while R and I cook and have our own dishes. Tiana and Cara also procrastinate on their jobs. Rachel and I’s jobs (bathroom and vacuuming) worked as a buffer, however, since we could ask them to move their stuff when we needed to clean.
Since it was 2 on 2, Rachel and I could also remind them if it was their turn to buy something, so we had a balance at the start of the year.
The problem started a few months ago when Rachel moved out. I picked up a lot of her slack, but since the dynamic shifted to 2 on 1, it’s been a lot harder to keep a consistent routine of cleaning.
I’ve also had an insanely busy second semester (job + research + intense class load). When I bring up alternating on chores, splitting costs, or reminding them to do their jobs, Tiana/Cara say “just do it yourself if it bothers you.” I’ve been so busy this semester, so I just stopped. I’ve been cleaning my own things and the bathroom, but I haven’t been buying shared things that I don’t sweep, wipe down shared surfaces, etc. I also moved some of my stuff, like food supplies, into my own drawers and told them not to touch them.
Within a week, we had crumbs all over, spills on the tables and in the kitchen, takeout food left out everywhere, etc. The trash bags aren’t being taken out – Tiana just leaves them on the balcony. We’ve also had ants show up again (semester 1 problem, that I dealt with), but since my classes/work end after call hours for pest control, no one has called. The sink drain is clogged and smells gross.
Tiana and Cara have been “finding clean utensils” from the trash. I also haven’t been doing some of the “aesthetic things,” like organizing shoes or picking blankets off the floor. It’s honestly been pretty gross, but I have a sister on campus and I just sleep with her now.
Tiana and Cara invited friends over yesterday, who were (understandably) grossed out. The friends left pretty quickly, and Tiana and Cara freaked out. They turned on me and said I haven’t been cleaning as much as I was first semester (kind of true, but I was doing too much anyway).
It escalated into a fight, hence the unlivable comment, and it’s since spread throughout our friend group. Most people haven’t visited and agree with Tiana and Cara, but the ones that have are siding with me. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Send a link to this post to the friends who think you’re in the wrong.
Also, point out that Tiana and Cara weren’t worried about the situation until external visitors pointed out how gross it was. I hope you can find a new living situation.” embopbopbopdoowop
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Can you hire a cleaner or barter for one?
Someone coming in once a week and scrubbing may make all the difference. Does your school have an arrangement with a cleaning group? If they want to blame you for the mess perhaps document it in case you need to show an RA. Can you apply to be placed with neater roommates?” SoIFeltDizzy
Another User Comments:
“You need to move out as soon as you can. If these are college-owned apartments, talk to the university housing staff about your options. If it’s privately owned, talk to the apartment manager. Your two roommates are not only dirty pigs, but they’re lousy people.
They got embarrassed about the state of the apartment, and then blame YOU, the only one who EVER cleans? To be “nice” you could try once more for a schedule of cleaning, but let them know that you will move out within two weeks if they continue to be pigs.” ElmLane62
8. AITJ For Coming Home Late And Intoxicated After My Birthday Brunch?
“I took a day off work and planned to have a brunch with some friends to celebrate my birthday.
When I was leaving my husband asked me what time I expected to be home and I told him honestly, I didn’t know. I got there for the reservation at 11:00 but my two friends were running late. I sat at the bar and had a drink.
At 11:45 we got a table and I got a second drink. My 2nd friend arrived at 12:30 and we all ordered another round. We left the restaurant at 1:30 and I knew I wasn’t able to drive so we walked around.
There was another place doing happy hour and they said they wanted a beer.
I went in and asked for water. They bought me a drink too. I drank it and then said I was done. At this point, it was 2:45 and my husband texted asking how much longer I was going to be. I told him truthfully that I wasn’t able to drive and had more than I intended to.
I ended up driving at 5:40 pm and got home around 6:15.
When I got home my husband didn’t talk to me or look at me. Our 3-year-old was very happy to see me. I was exhausted at this point from the sun and drinking. I actually dozed off a few times on the couch.
Around 9 pm I finally asked him what was wrong. He shook his head. I told him I could tell something was wrong. He said, “you were gone all day, then came home trashed and exhausted.” I told him I wasn’t trashed, I wouldn’t have driven if I was still intoxicated. He told me I “reeked of booze.” I said yes, because I drank a bit and when you drink you’re still going to smell a bit like booze.
He shook his head again and hasn’t said anything to me since. It’s 11:30 pm and I want to go to sleep, but I can’t because he’s still in the living room ignoring me and I can’t fall asleep with him like this.
AITJ? I could have not had that last drink and been home an hour or so earlier, but I was celebrating my birthday and now I feel like a jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You said you were having brunch, and showed up home too intoxicated to drive after 6 pm? And you are wondering why he is annoyed with you? Brunch is between breakfast and lunch, and usually does not include dinner. Nothing wrong with having a day out, but you don’t tell your partner it’s brunch if you don’t intend to come home until evening.” alien_overlord_1001
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Y’all are crazy? She had no plans with the husband, she communicated clearly, and it was still early evening when she got home. She was gone from home for seven hours. That’s it. Celebrating her birthday. How in the world does that make her a jerk?
And how is giving your partner the silent treatment and being a pouty baby and not communicating with them when they are communicating clearly with you not a jerk move? Y’all are wild.” RamsLams
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. So you came home smelling of booze, had already told him you couldn’t drive because you had been drinking, and then drove home a couple of hours later anyway, and proceeded to nap on the sofa?
Is that how he would have seen the events? I think he may be jumping to the fairly understandable conclusion you drove home under the influence, and still were feeling it, which would be reckless. I’d be annoyed if my partner did that. That’s without the non-commital time stuff, which although stuff happens and things run over from time to time, it can be frustrating.
If you got pulled over on the way home how confident are you that you’d pass a breathalyser? Just block the day out next time and get a taxi/lift or something. Saves the frustration and lets you have a better time not worrying about driving/getting back.” whyarethenamesgone1
7. AITJ For Refusing To Pay $76 For A BBQ I Was Invited To?
“My old neighbor (we used to live in the same apt but I have since moved to a different one and the same town) invited me over for an egg hunt and BBQ on Easter. I said sure, we’ll come – my 7-year-old daughter & myself.
Well, two nights before the BBQ she texts me saying I owe her $60. I responded, “Huh, for what!?” She called me and said I need to put in for my portion of the BBQ. I was confused but said well ok I suppose. And, then mentioned how we would like to have sausages.
She then texts me a few hours later and then says I owe $76. Confused even more, I ask why and tell her I need to see what all she’s purchasing.
Mind you, it’s the two of us, her, her partner & her 7-year-old kid, and then 4 grown adults from her family.
She shows me a cart worth $228 and tells me I need to pay 1/3rd. She did add the sausages I requested (which were $3.99), but everything else, including the drinks, was stuff my daughter & I don’t eat/drink. She also has things like hand soap and aluminum foil in the cart.
Why would I pay for that!?
After much back & forth, I refuse to pay. She tells me ok, and tells me if I want to eat I can bring my own food and her partner will cook it. I do so, and partner is so mad the day of that I didn’t pay.
I get there with my sausages and ask him if he can put it on the grill (he’s still grilling at the time). He tells me no & to go screw myself.
Now this neighbor & I used to host bbq together when we lived at the same complex.
We would split the costs, I would be involved in all the planning, grilling, etc. We would never charge the guests (who were casual associates through the kids). She claims all she was doing for this bbq was providing the venue & that she “knows” me so I should’ve willingly paid.
I feel like I’m NTJ, but she texted me basically telling me I was wrong for not paying and asking her partner to grill my sausages. Am I?”
Another User Comments:
“So obviously NTJ it’s not even a question. You should’ve declined completely when this person first asked for a ridiculous amount of money.
You did the right thing by pushing back and asking, and I can’t even imagine what that ‘cart’ had to do with anything. There’s BYOB, and even bring-your-own for BBQ sometimes, but not ‘hey, fund our BBQ’ parties. This was absurd, and even for family or someone you really loved, it’d be a deal-breaker.
For an ‘old neighbor’? Just block them forever.” Tangerine_Bouquet
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She only invited you in order to knock her costs down. I’ll bet she asked her 4 family members to each cover a 1/3 as well, so she basically got a free party, plus supplies for her home.
The idea that she would expect this is ridiculous. The fact that her partner is obviously insufferable should make it easy for you to just cut ties with her. That is appalling behavior on both their parts.” inFinEgan
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I’m getting a sneaking suspicion that your neighbor used to hit up everybody at the party to cover costs when you split them then never told you or gave you your share.
I don’t know where you are, but here in the South, you don’t charge guests for a barbecue dinner. If they want to help out, they can bring a dish. It’s even acceptable to demand a dish before you’re allowed to eat (which is why people who can’t cook bring chips and/or sodas).
But to demand money – unless it’s a charity or church fundraiser – is incredibly rude. If you can’t afford to throw a barbecue, then you don’t throw a barbecue.” Abstruse
6. AITJ For Wanting Distance From My Favoritism-Practicing, Awful Family?
“I (27F) am at a loss right now. I am considered to be the “eldest” in my family. I have always tried to be a good daughter. I got good grades in school, kept my nose clean as much as possible but due to my younger half-sister (24F) and her mental health issues I often got looked over, with my mom telling me “I raised you to be strong so be the strong one”.
Looking back on my childhood I’ve seen a lot of troubling things in my life that I did not see before, like my younger sister getting to be on a sports team and multiple extracurricular activities, while I was told we did not have enough money to do so.
Whenever my sister wanted to do something my parents made it happen. Special birthday parties at bowling alleys, skating rinks with lots of friends. I was lucky to have a small party thrown by my family. The rare chance I did get to do something I enjoyed, like singing, my sister joined in and my parents acted like she was the next American Idol, while telling me “music isn’t for you, you’re tone deaf so just sing to yourself.” I also began working at 16, and my parents began asking me for financial support to which I immediately supplied.
My stepdad has a drinking problem and my mother enables him, “he’s sick, you don’t understand what he went through as a child”. He drinks on the job, while he drives. He didn’t even sit through my high school graduation because he didn’t have a drink.
But he sat through my younger sister’s completely sober.
His drinking has progressively gotten worse over the years to the point where he calls me ungrateful, and he even tried to pull my shirt off in a public parking lot because he didn’t like what it said.
I was 26.
I have a very loving supportive partner who has a lovely family who treats me better than my own, and as a result, I have seen how poorly I was treated over the years. And my partner is treated awfully by my family because “he’s stealing me away”.
My parents are mad because I am calling less, visiting less and just telling them less about my life. Recently my mom and sister concocted an elaborate story regarding her being evicted because they thought it would be funny to see if I cared.
AITJ for wanting this distance from my family?
Every time I try to tell them that they can’t talk to me with disrespect or establish boundaries I get verbally berated and told I’m letting down my family, even so far as being told I won’t have a father to walk me down the aisle.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I am a mother and as a mother I need you to know you owe your parents nothing. Yes, they raised you but they also put you on this planet without your say-so and it was their responsibility to feed you, clothe you, support you, and do all they could to make sure you grew up well-adjusted. You don’t owe even the most amazing parents a relationship with you, you definitely don’t owe anything to people who took advantage of and abused you.
It can be hard for even the best parents to find balance when one child needs more direct care than another, but it doesn’t seem they even tried for you. Take care of yourself, build yourself a support system and a real family of friends and loved ones, love yourself so you know when someone isn’t loving you and you can leave without guilt.” DeadGodJess
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Is the threat of not having a father to walk you down the aisle an actual threat? Who would want an abusive individual with a drinking problem to ever be at their wedding, much less to have them walk the bride down the aisle?
You would do well to get away from them. Your partner’s family is what real family is like. Your mother, sister, and step-mess-up are not worth the time they spend in your life, or even your head for that matter.” inFinEgan
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It sucks when your parents aren’t the people you expect them to be. Their behavior towards you throughout your life was not of your own doing, it’s a THEM problem. Please know that. You don’t owe them anything, and certainly not active roles in your life when they have treated you so poorly.
If they threaten that your dad won’t walk you down the aisle, so what? Sounds like they’d be doing you a favor if he wouldn’t even be sober to do so. Just because they are blood relatives does not mean you have to keep them in your life.
You do what’s best for you.” Stranger0nReddit
5. AITJ For Telling My Wife To Sell Her Pop Culture Collection?
“My wife of 16 years is a huge fan of pop culture, video games, and anime. When we moved into our home she got her own gaming room with a computer and lights.
This is when the problem began. She started to collect things, figures, posters, props, etc. At first, I was happy we finally had the money to help her explore her interests. She quickly filled her gaming room so we converted our den to a collection room with display cases and shelves etc.
Then this room got filled too and her things started to spread. They were in our room, under the kid’s bed, filled a full shelf in the living room. Eventually, we got a storage unit but she filled that too and wanted another. I told her this would be the last one and when she filled that I told her she needed to get rid of some if she wanted more.
She broke down and told me most if not all of the items were one of a kind or limited release and she would never be able to get them back, but the amount we are spending on these and the storage unit is becoming too much.
I feel bad because she really does love these things but we don’t have the space or money for more storage units. I stood firm and said she would need to sell or donate some but so far she has refused.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, this is clearly hoarding, and that is a type of mental illness that requires professional help (at least if you want to save your sanity and marriage in the process). Things being stuffed under beds and in storage units, and not being re-sold is not “enjoyment of some unique items.” It’s hoarding items for the sake of owning them.
I’d reach out to some professionals and see if she’d be open to therapy. Hopefully, you can narrow the collection down to some key items that can be displayed in her game room and the display shelves of the den, but I don’t know that you can tackle this on your own.” HoneyBadger302
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Most of these “one of a kind” releases are hugely common and essentially worth less than what she paid for them – they’re like NFTs, except it’s possible a mint-condition one may be worth something in fifty years – maybe. But probably not.
She’s not enjoying the items in the storage units or under your bed or in the kitchen. They’re just – I bet – an “investment”. Give her a reasonable deadline by which you’ll stop paying for the storage units. Tell her she has to sell or donate every item in the storage units by then, and set boundaries about where she can keep them in the house.
Just her gaming room would be fair enough. If she wants that filled with cartons of these items, that’s on her. See if you can hire a declutterer or get someone with experience in selling these things on eBay to help her. And if she won’t, well, stop paying for the storage units on the date you said you would, and don’t let her bring any of the items back into the house.” Enough-Process9773
Another User Comments:
“How in the world is she enjoying any items if they are in storage? Part of the enjoyment is seeing them and picking them up and looking at them and things like that, if they’re just in storage, then they really aren’t anything they’re just something in storage they have no meaning, it’s more about her purchasing things than having them.
I have met people who have their houses filled with purchases they have made and they aren’t even out of the shipping box and bag, it’s a shopping disorder so it’s the fun and thrill of finding the item. This particular person I’m thinking of never even opened the box to enjoy them, it sounds like something similar.” ptprn11
4. AITJ For Hiding My Clothes From My Younger Sister Who Constantly Borrows Them?
“I (17F) have a sister (16F), she’s always asking to borrow my clothes. It wasn’t like this at first because we would borrow each other’s clothes when we both didn’t have many clothes of our own but after buying a bit more clothes that stopped.
The issue, however, is that I’ve been wearing the same clothes for 2 school years while my sister has been buying more clothes even though we were struggling with money so I wouldn’t ask for too many clothes.
Well lately, she’s been asking to wear one of the few hoodies I wear and also she wants to wear the specific top I have even though there is another one from the same brand in a different color.
Well, last night while she was sleeping, I hid it and she spent almost 20 minutes searching for it, turning everywhere up and down. And I just don’t know why she can’t manage with the other top.
Her reasoning is because she likes the one I have, the same reasoning she uses when she wears my hoodies to hang out with her friends.
Wanna know why I don’t give it to her? She already has two other tops (that she says are too small for her) but instead of buying another one or just managing with the different colored one, NOOOOOO she wants the specific one I use.
Well, I’m sick of it.
Always wearing my clothes, I don’t even wear her clothes because if I did she would say “I need them” but you expect me to give you the few clothes I wear.
When I said no, she said whatever she’ll just take it when I’m sleeping and that’s what got me riled up to do this.
I know I am the older sibling and I am supposed to share but why must I give up everything for someone who already has everything?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Not quite the same situation but my younger sister and I did not get along when we were younger.
She used to come into my room and take and ruin my things. One of the big things I remember her doing is her completely draining an entire bottle of perfume of mine which I used sparsely, as it was sentimental to me. I sobbed and she didn’t care.
Our mum didn’t really do anything about it and sided with her a lot of the time. One day, she had all new makeup. I went into her room and drained most of her new nail varnishes onto a piece of card, then threw the card away.
I also opened some of her new stuff and tested them before she had a chance to. Also took one varnish that caught my eye and painted my nails with it often so she knew it was me. I remember hearing the muffled voices of her complaining to my mum that she needed to do something about it, but my mum basically told her she had no right to complain.
Sometimes a taste of their own medicine is what is needed so they learn how their bad actions affect others.” RLS16x
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You know what it’s called when someone asks to borrow something, is told no, then takes it anyway? Stealing.
Where are your parents in all this? Why aren’t they telling your sister to stop taking your stuff?” Abstruse
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m the oldest of 3 girls, and the middle sister would NEVER respect my boundaries. She would take everything and lie about the makeup I bought on my own, and say she bought it.
My mom didn’t believe me and said some nonsense about sharing, but no. Your sister is disrespecting your boundaries, and she is going to learn that lesson eventually, whether it be through you or the harsh world. You are NTJ and if you have already tried setting firm boundaries, it’s time to take action.
I would start by getting an adult in charge to help enforce the boundaries but I understand if they don’t take it seriously. Other alternatives are getting a lock for your door or closet, rearranging your room or just hiding her favorites away/keeping them at school.
She’s super annoying for the double standard and it won’t get her many friends in the future. Good luck.” Vegetable-Ad4143
3. AITJ For Laughing At My Husband's Concern About Our Daughter's All-Boys LEGO Group?
“My (38F) stepdaughter is 12, and she lives full-time with my husband (40M) and me. She is really into LEGO and has started a YouTube channel with our permission to share some videos of her builds. It’s just a small, amateur channel with a few hundred followers but she’s very passionate about it.
Because of this hobby, she made some friends online, and those in the group that live close by decided to meet for the first time. The meet was in a city an hour away and I was the one to drive her there. They are also young teens ranging from 11 to 14 (I think the oldest was 15), and most of them have their own LEGO-based channels.
It was a lovely meet, just young people bonding over a shared interest.
But one thing that surprised me was that my stepdaughter was the only girl in the group. All of them are teenage boys. They also didn’t know she was a girl because her YouTube channel doesn’t have her name or any personal information, and her videos are mostly of their builds and she doesn’t show her face (at mine and her father’s insistence).
So there was this cute moment of shock on their faces when they were trying to figure out who she could be. They quickly got over it.
The thing is my husband didn’t take it so well when I told him about this after we came home.
He thinks it’s an “all-boys” group and it’s not appropriate for his daughter to be in future meets (because they are already planning the next one to build a project together). I thought his concern was so ludicrous that my immediate reaction was to laugh.
I guess there was a part of me that thought it was amusing to see his “protective father” instincts kick in.
He got really upset with me for laughing, saying I don’t understand what it’s like for hormonal boys being this age. I doubled down by telling him he was just being silly – I was there the entire time, and so were other parents, and the same would happen in any future events.
There was nothing inappropriate about this. It took me a while to realize he was SO serious about this subject.
Fortunately, he realized eventually it would be grossly unfair to deprive his daughter of these new friendships, but he’s still mad at me for laughing and calling him silly.
He felt I was dismissive and sort of a jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Of course laughing wasn’t the best reaction because he was very serious about it. But if he was serious, what did he think would happen? In all seriousness, what did he think these boys, who did nothing so far, would do on a public meet-up?
Yes, one should be safe. But these boys did nothing so far and stepdaughter was brought by an adult.” CakeEatingRabbit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Did you tell him you mainly laughed because you thought it was cute? If it was me, I would just apologize for laughing and make sure he knows that the laughs weren’t at his expense but a positive feeling on your end.
You didn’t do something wrong, but by apologizing you can validate his feelings and make sure he knows the laughs weren’t in bad spirit. Sometimes an apology isn’t about someone being right or wrong, but just about recognizing each other’s feelings.” CartographerHot2285
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She’s involved with something that is often (and wrongly) described as a boys’ activity: building. Girls are excluded from them, first because misogynists don’t think girls can be good in these activities and then because it’s not safe for girls to be in a space with mostly boys.
So then even girls who want to take part can’t because the men in their lives decide it’s inappropriate. Then men note the absence of women in tech/stem/building professions and either can’t figure out why there aren’t more women, or use that as “proof” that girls aren’t interested in or not good at that stuff.
Your husband needs to let his daughter be safely involved with her hobbies, and take part in activities surrounding them. That’s how women get more equal representation in “male” areas.” ritan7471
2. AITJ For Not Inviting My Wife's Mother To Our Wedding Due To Her Body Shaming Comments?
“So my wife and I got married this weekend! Just us + my mum and her sister as our witnesses. Her mother knew we were getting married but did not know who our witnesses were. She called and asked who was there the day after we got married and my wife told her.
Her mother hung up on her and has since blocked both of our numbers, deleted us on social media, and told my wife’s grandma she will never speak to us ever again.
We didn’t tell her who our witnesses were before the wedding because we were worried her reaction would ruin our big day.
We were thinking about having strangers when we were first planning which is probably what she thought we had done but I decided I would be more comfortable around people I knew so my wife chose her sister as her witness.
For context, my wife has body issues and strongly dislikes her face to the point where seeing some pictures of her makes her extremely distressed and upset.
She was diagnosed as having ASD as a teenager which may or may not contribute to her unwillingness to want to be photographed or looked at.
Her mother has commented on her clothes being unflattering in the past and made comments about her not smiling in pictures etc which is the main reason my wife did not want to invite her.
We wanted it to be as relaxed as possible and my wife felt like not having her mum there would ease the pressure. We weren’t planning on telling her who we invited to our wedding to protect her feelings, however, if she did ask, which she did, we weren’t going to lie to her.
We had a wonderful day and have been on cloud 9, we even managed to take some pictures that we both like.
But since the phone call and the way my mother-in-law has reacted has since cast a big cloud on our happy time…”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. I am also autistic and the relationship with my mom has been tricky – she has made some really not great comments about my appearance, as well. But guess what? I told her how they made me feel. When shopping for my wedding dress, I told her I didn’t want to invite her because I was afraid she would say mean things and I didn’t want to have to worry about letting that color my experience.
She was horrified and had the chance to fix it. We have had other conversations, and she generally makes an effort. She’s not perfect, but she tries her hardest, and we talk things out. She did great at my wedding and didn’t make a single comment.
You didn’t give this woman the chance to try. She’s probably spent her whole life dreaming about her child’s wedding, and not only had to accept an elopement (which it sounds like she did gracefully because her expectations were set) but now she feels lied to – and she’s not wrong.
Her reaction to immediately go no contact is extreme, but it sounds like that’s how your family rolls – none of y’all talk. If you had told her in advance that you were going to have mother-in-law and sister join, and given her a chance to argue her case/be dismissive of your wife’s concerns, you would be NTJ.
But since you have given no indication that this woman is generally horrible, you went nuclear as plan A.” amcranfo
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Mostly for having your own mother there and leaving her mother in the dark. But also, you claim to both love her mother and your complaints are that she has said certain outfits are unflattering on your new wife and that she should smile for photos?
Seriously? Your new mother-in-law knows the score now. She knows she will be left out of important events and your mother will not be. Did you want her to be jumping for joy when she was left out of the wedding?” sheramom4
Another User Comments:
“YTJ not because you didn’t invite her. It’s your wedding, invite who you want. But the way you went about it was sneaky and poor communication. Your wife could have explained her concerns about having the mom at the wedding. You could have moved forward from there, depending on how mom reacted. But instead you were underhanded. Also: you’re in for a lifetime of difficulty if your wife doesn’t even want people to look at her.” growsonwalls
1. AITJ For Skipping My Brother's Wedding Because They Didn't Invite My Partner?
“My (22F) partner (25M) and I have been together for 2 years now.
We are both still in university getting our master’s for different areas of medicine (we met on campus). He is tall, good-looking, thoughtful, smart and hardworking. I think most people would even say he’s out of my league. He has never made any bad comments about me or my family and has even learned Russian to speak with them in their native language.
Despite his efforts my parents and brother are still being absolute jerks to him for no reason. They ignore him, talk behind his back, never invite him for anything, and show no interest in learning anything about him or his family. And just completely reject him in every way.
My brother (27M) is the worst in all of this. Even though he himself doesn’t have nearly the same level of academic achievements or physical appeal.
My partner said that the feeling of not being accepted and having to walk on eggshells around my family and the tension this creates between us has made him reconsider our relationship.
Last week my brother got married and of course my partner wasn’t invited so I decided to not go as long as he wasn’t invited. They decided to not invite him so I didn’t go and now they are furious at me for doing so.
AITJ for not going?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your family seems pretty toxic. “My partner said that the feeling of not being accepted and having to walk on eggshells around my family and the tension this creates between us has made him reconsider our relationship.” Sorry to hear that.
It may be time to go NC or at least LC with your family. It’s likely to happen again if this doesn’t work out & you go out with someone else they don’t like.” Apart-Ad-6518
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Actions have consequences, your family now knows this.
I wonder why they dislike your SO so much, but if he’s good to you then maybe take a step back from your family and focus on your relationships outside of the family. Your relationship with your SO, of course, but also your other friendships.
Build your support network and strengthen your bonds.” SquallkLeon
Another User Comments:
“No, I don’t think you’re the jerk. But one thing to consider is that partners can come and go, family is forever. If I were you I would have gone to the wedding alone and maintained the relationship with the family but it’s in the past now so no point in thinking about it.
Tell your partner that your family is just messed up and don’t bring him near them, if your family is out of sight from him and you don’t bring up them talking badly about him then they’ll be out of mind for him. This should only really be an issue for him if he’s around them sometimes and they show signs that they don’t approve.
Some guys would even prefer to not see their partner’s family, lol. Best to sit down with him and just explain that they are awkward and give it time they’ll come round.” Interesting-Sea-7662
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