People Want Us To Fairly Evaluate Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories

"I (31M) live a 5-minute drive from my mom (F 65) and dad's (58) house. My maternal grandmother (F 80) will be flying out from the East Coast and staying with my mom and dad. My parents' house is a 2-bedroom.

Further information: I have some spinal issues that can be aggravated depending on how I sleep.

When my grandmother comes she will be staying with my parents in the guest bedroom.

Neither myself nor my dad get along with my grandmother. Every time she’s here she has some sort of snide remark about how I’m still single, why my dad gained weight, why I’m not as successful as my cousins, etc. I do make a decent living but I work for a non-profit, whereas my cousin is an attorney, and the other works for a venture capital firm.

(He legit has a penthouse in Miami, whereas I live in a two-bedroom apartment in the suburbs). Basically just these small barbs and jabs all the time.

My mother told me she expects me to stay at her house, on an air mattress. I told her I actually planned to stay at my apartment after Christmas Eve dinner and just drive over the morning of Christmas Day.

My mom began to argue with me, I explained to her I’d prefer to be in my own bed to avoid a few days of pain from sleeping on an air mattress or the sofa. She argued back and forth with me at one point saying 'No you WILL stay here'.

At that point, my dad interjected and said 'It doesn’t matter. I sleep at my house since I’ll still be here for all the Christmas festivities.'

My mom has been passive-aggressive with me the rest of this evening's family dinner since. So am I the jerk for refusing to stay the night?"

Another User Comments:

"NTJ. I'm guessing your mom is greatly influenced by her mom's toxic ways - following in her mom's footsteps/or acting out of fear/avoidance of her mom's ire. I.e., your mom is insisting on you being there because she wants to please grandma AND she is bullying you into staying because she learned that technique from grandma.

Your mom could also be trying to have more targets for her mom so that your mom has to deal with grandma less. None of that is your problem.

If your mom does not usually act like this and is a more reasonable person in general, you can decide to talk to her soon (or even after Christmas, when things calm down more) and you can recognize this may be more due to her stress levels.

But you do not have to cave at all; do not have to sacrifice your back at all; do not have to subject yourself to more grandma digs at your life. Heck, even if grandma were the nicest grandma ever, I wouldn't see the value of sacrificing my back - when it would just be for sleeping in the same house, not much more than that." swillshop

Another User Comments:

"You're an adult. You don't owe your mom an explanation for why you plan to stay in your own apartment and not camp at her house on an air mattress. This isn't a Brownie Scouts overnight; you're a grown-up with back issues.

(And even with zero back issues, I wouldn't be on an air mattress on the floor with my own bed 5 minutes away. Are you kidding me?)

I also want to suggest that if Grandma gets nasty, you walk away. As in, 'Gosh, Grandma, what an unkind thing to say.

I'll see you later.' Then hop in the car, drive home, and curl up with some hot chocolate and Christmas music. Let mom be as passive-aggressive and grandma as nasty as they like; you be in a different room, in a different apartment, enjoying yourself. Taking abuse and an uncomfortable night's sleep are not things you owe them. NTJ." Nester1953