People Get Fearful Of Their Actions In These 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories

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Dive into a world of moral conundrums, personal dilemmas, and difficult choices in our latest collection of stories. From confronting family over unfulfilled promises and questioning professional ethics, to navigating the murky waters of relationships and the complexities of inheritance, each story raises a simple, yet profound question - Am I The Jerk? AITJ = Am I the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk WIBTJ = Would I be the jerk? YTJ = You're the jerk

18. AITJ For Being Honest About My Marriage and Pulling Out of a Family Vacation?

QI

“I married for financial stability. My husband is with me for appearances, and we are content with our arrangement.

My husband and I married because I have all the “qualifications” to please his family, and he takes financial care of me. We are very fond of each other and even love each other.

But not in the classical marriage sense. We are like amazing roommates with some benefits. He and I are free to live our lives independently and without stress. He is not worried about being cut off from his family, and I am finally financially stable and free to work my job which simply is not as economically beneficial.

The problem: My sisters have never approved of my decision. They say I sold myself. Which… fair. But still, we (used) to be civil with each other. Last week we had a family BBQ. I went without my husband. Everything was going great until my oldest niece (21) sat down next to me, and we started talking.

And then she asked me, straight up, if I was with my husband for financial stability. I explained to her how we met, our agreement, and so on. She then asked me if I thought it would be okay for her to pretend to be her gay best friend’s companion.

I told her it was up to her to decide and if there were no negatives to it (like her having actual feelings for him, someone getting hurt like a romantic partner, etc.). It was a lovely talk.

Strike two was when my other nieces asked me where my husband was, and I told them, that he was on vacation.

They asked me why I didn’t go with him, and I said that we only sometimes go together on vacations. We usually take little trips together but go on longer vacations with friends or family. My niece (16) asked me if it was true what her mom and aunt said about me being a gold digger and I just said” I guess so”.

Like, that doesn’t faze me. I know my sisters constantly talk about me behind my back, and I am not ashamed about my marriage at all. So I see no need to lie.

Later that night, my sisters cornered me, and we had a fight about my words with my nieces.

They said it was completely inappropriate what I told them. That I am free to live my messed up life but to not let my niece think, that it is okay what I do. I called them small-minded and that I was only answering my niece’s questions, and I was even honest. They are free to make their own decisions.

My sisters kept cornering me, calling me all sorts of names, and saying I was influencing their daughters negatively because I was miserable.

I said some words back and left, not talking to them the whole week. Now there is a huge fallout because I pulled out of the family vacation because of this fight.

But the vacation would be at my husband’s summer House. And as I am not going, my husband doesn’t feel comfortable lending my family the house. My family has been calling me a huge jerk, and my sisters said that I was blowing things out of proportion.

AITJ? SHOULD I STILL GO?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Let’s get this straight. You married a guy for his financial stability, and he married you as a cover. That works for you. However, your family judges you for it, UNTIL they don’t get to stay at HIS beach house because they disrespected you.

“You can’t have your cake and eat it, too.” ElmLane62

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You are the gold digger, yet they expect to reap the benefits of the gold even when they judge you for you. Entirely proportionate response, OP. Also, your nieces are old enough to start thinking for themselves and these are very good conversational topics that are better handled without parental scowl around.

Congratulations on your marriage. People forget that “marrying for love” is quite a recent thing and in not the distant past it was most like a business deal if you could find a spouse that treats you with respect and you grow fond and friends together it was considered a successful marriage.

It seems to me that’s what you have, even if it is not the fairytale dream or the religious ideal. P.S. Since so many replies to me seem to lack at least some level of reading comprehension – here I stated “You are **the** gold digger, yet they expect” – because her sisters call her that.

Not that this is what I call her. Seriously, guys. Read the full text before you go off.” atealein

Another User Comments:

“Your sisters are hypocrites – if they so disagree with your life choices and find them so abhorrent, then they should not be accepting a family vacation at your summer house.

Rather than berating you about being a ‘messed-up’ role model, they should look deep at themselves, at what values (money-grubbing, hypocrisy, nastiness towards family members) THEY are showing their children. NTJ. Don’t feel guilty – your marriage is your own business (‘your’ = yourself and husband), and DO NOT HOST THOSE HORRID PEOPLE.

I might reach out independently to the 21-year-old to let her know the door is open if you have a good separate relationship. But keep on living your life.” busyshrew

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everquest 5 days ago
You chose wisely. You are well taken care of by a respectful man who is also your friend. You both laid out all expectations ahead of time and kept to them. It's working brilliantly for you ... and your sisters are jealous and PISSED! Since you cancelled the family vacation, they now claim you're "blowing it out of proportion". Stand your ground! Why should they benefit from your "gold digging" when they show nothing but disdain for it? Until they make heartfelt apologies (that you actually believe) I'd go no contact with them and only keep in contact with the nieces. You are NTJ, my dear. You are, quite possibly, the happiest and smartest of the bunch!
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17. AITJ For Telling My Aunt I Don't Want Her At My Graduation Dinner?

QI

“I’m a bit at a loss right now. A week ago I celebrated the point that I graduated with my Master’s degree in information sciences together with my 27th birthday (27M speaking OFC). What happened was the following.

I had planned a party for me and my friends from my hometown and university city to come over on Saturday and then on Sunday, my family would come over for my mother’s (56F) birthday as we share the same birthday.

The birthday for me and my friends was a lot of fun, I mentioned it was also my mum’s birthday and they got her presents as well, as I thought it would be nice for her as well as she had recently undergone some tough surgery.

However, some of the stuff I got for the part was still left over so we decided to use that for the party on the day after.

Enter the Sunday and meet my aunt (61F). Recently (3 years ago) her husband died and as she does not have a driver’s license, I usually pick her up as she lives quite close to my hometown and I can drive a car so I don’t get too rusty behind the wheel.

Another thing that you need to know is that likes to (roughly translated the saying) “get first row seats for a dime”. Subsequently, that day I got into a bit of traffic and I was three minutes late. That was not appreciated by her and on the ride home (15 minutes) I only got complaints about the music (Mumford & Sons).

At home, the fun continued. She got my mum a present and I got a firm handshake, which kinda bothered me as she also knew it was my birthday. For clarification, I don’t mind the value of a present, just the idea that you thought of something nice to give me.

Subsequently, we got complaints about the “cheap wine and snacks” as we used the store brand stuff from the day before as we had a big party and I didn’t have the money to get a lot of premium stuff. The issue for me here was that she kept nagging on about it to my other aunts during the afternoon.

However what led to the AITJ situation was the following: My dad mentioned during a conversation that I had with him and my aunt that I was taking them and my sister out for dinner after the graduation ceremony for my master’s degree for a food style that he enjoys.

My aunt was directly interested in joining.

Now the breaking point comes, she constantly kept suggesting that she should join as well. These suggestions became much less subtle over time. She also was only interested in joining us for dinner and not the graduation ceremony.

Most of my reasons that she could not join were “I can only bring 3 people to the ceremony” and “I want to spend time with my direct family as we don’t see each other as often anymore”. As she kept going on, I said: “Please stop asking, I do not want you coming along as I feel you are only interested in monetary things and not about me” (She could not remember how old I got).

She got upset and the birthday was pretty much ruined after.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – though there might have been different ways to go about saying it. Your aunt appears to be a giant jerk, but I doubt she’s going to ask here to find out.

If someone I was giving a lift to complained about me being 3 minutes late (and the music), it would be the last ride they’d get from me.” chrissssa

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Yes, you were blunt and maybe a little too honest where you didn’t need to be, but this is what happens when people like your Aunt are continually rude and won’t take a hint.

I have a family like your Aunt and I think people “snap” (as I have at times) because they let too many things go by or they take things too personally. So maybe let her dumb comments about cheap booze and other things roll off your back because you know how greedy she is, but also don’t do her favors if all she does is complain.

And if she’s being directly rude to you, gently call her out in the moment so you don’t blow up later.” friendlily

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, but honestly, could have phrased her not being invited a bit better. I probably would have gone with, “I just want it to be immediate family and want to spend some quality time with them.” Or something like that.

As I assume them = your mom and dad, then your sister. The fact that she kept going on and on about going with you guys is mind-blowing. You would think since you didn’t respond, she’d take a hint or read the room LOL She kind of set herself up for that one.” sailtheskyx

2 points - Liked by Disneyprincess78 and java
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Mistweave 1 day ago
NTJ. I would have left her jerk back at home when she started comparing about the 3 minutes.
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16. AITJ For Not Wanting To Move In With My Partner Due To Clutter?

QI

“My partner (24F) of 4 years lives in a different city, which is a 2 two-hour drive from me (22M), and we usually see each other every weekend. Recently, in hopes of seeing her more, I brought up maybe moving in together, in my city. We both agree that it would be better for us.

She does not enjoy her current living situation and has already said when her lease is up she is moving out.

Meanwhile, I currently live with my stepmother and would also like to move out in hopes of more independence. I consider myself to be fairly organized and while I am by no means a minimalist, I do keep most surfaces clear and most items put away in their place.

She, however, is not like this. I have seen her live in 2 apartments with and without roommates and consistently chairs and surfaces are covered in belongings. To her credit though, it is very clean.

Currently, in my bedroom, I gave her a corner with her nightstand and space in the closet to keep her belongings.

I did not receive the same treatment. I only keep a toothbrush at her place. I do not have any drawers or any space of my own for my belongings. When I ask her I usually get brushed off or an awkward “Sorry”

Back to the potential apartment; when I brought it up I suggested we get a 3 bedroom.

In my city that should be within our means, and since we both work from home having an office for myself and a fashion studio for her would be great. She agrees! I even offered to keep a pullout couch or Murphy bed in my study for when her parents come to visit (mine rarely do) and even offered up the entire closet in the master bedroom for her.

(I would use the closet in my study)

With us having shared space (kitchen living room etc.) I believe everything in said space should be mutually agreed on. i.e. I can’t drop my 3D printer and some monitors on the dining room table, and she can’t paint the kitchen Barbie pink (yes she mentioned she wanted to do this) She immediately had an issue with this, in that if it’s her house she can do what she wants.

Then I suggested maybe we could have a Vito system, where at any given time each of us could have a Vito for one thing we want or don’t want in the common spaces. She did not like that either. And I mentioned that if she left stuff out it would be easy because I could just put it back in her studio.

She replied “I don’t want to live in a space that doesn’t feel lived in, and I don’t want to be relegated into a corner” I concede, both are fair points.

From my perspective, I have made many concessions and all I want is to be able to use the dining table or sit on the couch (Both things that I cannot do at her apartment currently due to clutter).

I grew up in households full of clutter. I don’t think I can continue like this. If I move out I want to escape clutter for my mental health. I do believe that it is a major contributing factor to my depression

AITJ for not wanting to move in with her because of this?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, but you may need to face the reality that you and your partner are not compatible. Since this would be both your apartment, you both need to agree on how it looks. It isn’t HER place and it is not YOUR place, it has to be thought of as OURS.

You don’t like clutter, she does. It might just not work out. I think having your rooms is a good compromise, but if it would be to the point where the couch and dining table can’t be used because things are on it, that is a bigger problem.” Shark1986

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. It sounds like your partner is being honest with you. She can’t—or won’t—give up control over what she sees as her living space. She may know herself well enough to know it will upset her to have you move her things.

Conversely, she feels entitled to paint the kitchen a color that might not be suited to everyone’s tastes without your blessing. Believe her. This will be her apartment, and you will have your office space in it. It sounds like she may have hoarding tendencies (I’m not a psychologist).

Think carefully about being obligated to pay for an apartment over which you have little control.” General_Relative2838

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here – Look, I think you may have to accept that what you’re discovering is that you two may be incompatible. It’s been avoidable when the two of you weren’t planning to live together and were hours apart, but now it’s become something you have to deal with.

If you want to move in together, and both feel that it is mostly “my way or the highway”, then you may have to accept that a highway is an option. You would be a jerk if you allowed your partner to make the sacrifice of relocating to a different city, only to discover it then.” okIhaveANopinionHERE

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Disneyprincess78 2 days ago
You are not compatible and living together will break you up, probably causing financial problems for you both. You should work on moving on as sad as it maybe to prevent yourself from being miserable.
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15. AITJ For Moving Out After My Mother Told Me To?

QI

“I’m female in my mid-twenties.

Since I can remember my parents didn’t get along. They both didn’t care to take care of me so my sweet grandma(dad’s mom) took care of me.

When I was 10 my parents got divorced. Since then they’ve been doing more harm than good. I was listening to both of them talking badly about each other.

I lived with my mother my whole life. She was my critic – everything I was and did was wrong. I ripped the wallpaper wrong, I’m too fat, I’m too similar to my father, etc.

As a matter of the story, I’ve been with my fiance for five years now.

We were living with my mom and my stepdad for over the year and living with them wasn’t easy. I’m working full-time and studying on the weekends, my fiance is in delegations all the time and I only see him on the weekends. We have food only bought by ourselves, no hope for the dinner eaten together with my mom and her husband.

We’re splitting bills, that was normal for me. Since I can remember she only talks about money, she checks what I’m spending my money, which I work hard for. She thinks my money belongs to her as if I didn’t have any other needs than giving her money.

The amount of money that we’ve given to my mom was given to my sister who doesn’t live with us. I was hoping that living with my mom would let us save for our wedding. I couldn’t be more wrong. My fiance has worked only in delegations since the autumn and he’s been giving his laundry to his mom since she wanted to help us.

We talked with my mom a few months ago that he can give less money since he’s more out of the house than he is in.

This started a war. Our relationship with my mom and stepdad got worse with time. They started to talk behind our backs to my family so they stopped talking to us.

Every day was a nightmare and I couldn’t get any rest. The tension in the house was draining. My mom did silent treatment where I would talk to her and she acted as if she didn’t hear me.

Over two weeks ago my in-laws asked me to live for a week in their flat so I could feed the animals and take care of things.

I agreed and told my mother that I would be at their flat for a week. Last week I came back to the house and had a serious talk with my mom. I was casually taking things out of the car and she told me she wanted to talk to me.

I jokingly said “Should I unpack?” and I heard “No you better not”.

She told me to move out. She also called me names that I don’t want to repeat. I was mentally prepared for this because I rested for the week out of the house and agreed. I packed most of the things that day and moved out with my grandma that I wrote about in the beginning.

She knew about the whole situation. My mom told people that she is shocked that I moved out and she doesn’t understand why would I do that. The whole family from her side doesn’t talk to me at all. As if she didn’t tell me to move out.

So for moving out from my mother’s house am I the jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ Sounds like she is disappointed that she has lost her punching bag. You go live your life and ignore your mum and her flying monkeys.” RMaua

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. So…your mother doesn’t understand why when she told you to move out, you moved out. She’s ‘shocked’ you didn’t whine and cry and beg to stay. She, IMHO, just wanted to punish you because your bf was not being consistent in paying rent.” lonnielee3

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Mawra 1 day ago
You should have moved out long ago
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14. AITJ For Refusing to Sell Inherited Property Despite Family Pressure?

QI

“My paternal grandma passed away leaving assets yet no will. She left behind land that if sold cost nearly a billion in my currency (land is at the center of the capital, a lot of high-end businesses).

I wasn’t close with her, I visited her a few times when I was a child.

But lost contact. My brother was raised by my grandma, and she paid for his college and house–he lived with her. My dad left us. And is now in prison for substance use.

By law, my dad cannot participate in any of the inheritance rights because of prison.

His rights got passed down to my brother (legitimate), but he doesn’t want any of this drama. I (illegitimate) now have the legal rights of my dad’s inheritance. There are about 5 aunts/uncles fighting for this. 2 of which I talked to and agreed not to sell (they live in the USA).

The other two are insistent on selling the property. “They need the funds and they have children and grandchildren they want to help.”

I do NOT want to sell the property/land. My aunt and uncle who wanted to sell NEVER helped my dad when he asked for help for his addiction (when he was younger).

They just kept ridiculing him. My dad was thrown under the bus for allegedly selling (the dude just used it, far too addicted to hold onto it for long–so likely planted. Timing aligned after grandma’s death). When my grandma died, they never informed my brother (busy being a nurse).

He was raised to be his child at that point. He only found out 5 days after the funeral. I just really hate them to be honest. My two other aunts are well off and just want to keep the land for memory’s sake. They kept calling me a jerk growing up and never referred to me by my name.

With the majority wanting to keep the property, it can’t be sold. Now, the uncle and aunt are upset because they can’t live better lives. Uncle has a 2, 5, 6, and 12-year-old living in poverty (barely any food to scrape by, etc). The others can’t afford to send their kids to college.

I told my brother, and he said I was stirring up too much drama and I shouldn’t punish young children or others. I just said that’s not my problem like how I was never theirs when dad needed help.

SO AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“I don’t think that you are necessarily a jerk, but I do think that your brother was the closest to a son that she has besides your dad.

And I think it would be respectful to her to do whatever your brother says. Does your brother think that she would want those funds to help her great-grandchildren? Or her grandchildren or whoever is a child in this situation? Would she want these funds to help her descendants other than you?

If so, do it.” FindAriadne

Another User Comments:

“Oh, the karmic justice of having you be the decider of their fate! I would show them every bit of the grace and mercy that they showed to you and your father, and no more. They will not accept your offer of assistance for the children, because it’s not the children they are concerned about.

They want to be wealthy themselves. It’s such a shame, that the one person they treated like a jerk for their entire life, gets to make that decision. You are NTJ. Don’t even give it a second thought.” TeachingClassic5869

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everquest 5 days ago
NTJ ... however, there is a way to do some good, without being financially drained. As another commenter expressed, I am also concerned they do not want money for the children but for themselves. The way to determine their true motivations is easy. For the uncle who is concerned he cannot send his kids to college, gift each child with 4 years of college. For the uncle who has kids living in poverty, have $125 worth of food delivered every week (or however much you think is appropriate for your country and economy). If the gifts are scoffed at, you know their true motivations aren't what they told you. However, if the gifts are celebrated and appreciated ... perhaps you could consider giving more. Best of luck!
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13. AITJ For Reporting My Lazy Coworker's Incompetence To Our Manager?

QI

“I (34F) have worked with Ashley (43F) for four and a half years. For the most part, we get along, however, she’s incredibly lazy. She spends most days hunched over her desk on her phone texting or on video call with her husband. Takes 2 and half hour lunches, comes in at 9:30 at the absolute earliest, and leaves around 2:45.

Since we are equals I say nothing, but our manager who lives and works in a different state is fully aware as our company tracks badge swipes and login and log off times. She’s also my backup for when I’m out of the office, be it PTO or sick days, etc.

I was off last Thursday and Friday when I came back to work the past Monday, all of my stuff was an absolute mess. Since I came in at 7 am, I had a solid 2 hours to get everything cleaned up and back on track. We work in a tech and some of it’s an absolute nightmare to fix when someone screws up.

I also sent an email to our manager letting him know what all happened and what needed to be done. I let him know I would get everything corrected, but that it would likely take the day to do. He told me it was fine and that it would be addressed.

The second Ashley walked into the office she told me the false story about how the servers went down (they didn’t) and she wasn’t able to manage my things. I told her I was aware a lot didn’t get done while I was out and had already started to correct the errors that existed. Ashley then started to raise her voice and got pretty nasty with me in front of the entire floor (about 60 people).

I kept my composure as best I could and let her know that it wasn’t the crisis she was making it out to be and needed to leave my office so I could focus. She disappeared for about an hour, missing two meetings she was supposed to be on.

When she came back she slammed things around her desk, let out constant heavy sighs, and sulked all day.

Several people from other teams asked me if I was okay after hearing her yell at me. I said I was fine and to just let it go.

Yesterday I was asked to join my manager’s Zoom. Someone went to him and HR regarding Ashley’s behavior and he wanted me to tell him what happened. I explained the above and he said he’d handle it. Later yesterday afternoon Ashley was talking to a friend of hers (loudly) on her cell with her earbuds in but we all heard her part of the conversation.

I’m paraphrasing here because I don’t recall specifics but Ashley called me a jerk for ratting her out to our manager and HR. She said if I wasn’t selfish with my PTO we wouldn’t be in this spot. Stuff like that.

I’m not the one that went to HR.

Instead, I decided on petty revenge (a different post for when she finds out next month). The only thing I emailed my manager about was that two days’ worth of work went untouched, causing data to be skewed, and that I was going to be spending the day Monday getting everything caught up.

AITJ for this?”

Another User Comments:

“I was NTJ until it got to “petty revenge.” Why? She’s burning her own house down. There’s no need for you to throw on more gasoline. You handled it professionally. Let her spout off. You are not selfish with your PTO.

You earned it. She’s just throwing a fit because it’s starting to come to light that she’s incompetent. Keep your nose clean and let her do her thing. E S H with her having 90% and you having 10%. Whatever this petty revenge is, I hope you can undo it.

ETA: OP has explained the petty revenge. It is elegant and diabolical.” ivylass

Another User Comments:

“NTJ….and why are you friends with this person? NTJ you only answered your boss’s questions honestly, it was other people who reported her (“ratted her out”, when anyone uses that expression, they are trying to justify their bad behavior being called out) for her inexcusable behavior.

That should have been a wake-up call for her that she was not acting right in a professional environment but instead, she used it as an excuse to further bad mouth you. Hopefully, she will be let go soon.” Proverbs21-3

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12. AITJ For Prioritizing My Relationship With My Maternal Family Over My Siblings?

QI

“I should start this off with I have two moms and a dad. My original mom who gave birth to me passed away when I was still a baby. My dad met my other mom when I was 9 months old and they married when I was 2.

I have four younger siblings from them. There’s me (17f) and then Sarah (14f), Nate (12m), Parker (11m) and Hannah (9f).

I have three sets of grandparents. All three parents’ parents love me and I consider them my grandparents. But this is about my original mom’s parents and her extended family.

They and my dad had several disputes over the years. It started when my dad told them mom would be adopting me, from what I can figure out. My parents tried to shut them out of my life. But they went to court and were awarded time with me via grandparents’ rights.

The other dispute was over my siblings and the fact my original mom’s extended family did not want to consider my siblings their grandchildren also and did not attempt to be part of their lives.

I love my family. I love all of them and that includes my biological family from my mom.

I love getting to hear about the woman who gave birth to me. I love getting to ask questions and have them know the answers. My dad can answer some but ever since I hit my teens he has been very standoffish about those questions and I know the reason for that is he feels like I should be prioritizing my siblings over my grandparents.

There are very few people in the world who know how much I wish I knew my original mom. How much I would love a few minutes with her to get the chance to meet her when I could remember. I have friends I can talk to about that but given everything with her family, I know I could not say it to my parents or siblings especially not my mom.

They already treat me like a criminal for keeping the contact I have with my maternal family. My parents even claim my maternal family doesn’t love me because they don’t love the people (my siblings) I love. But I never doubted their love for me.

My parent’s families were over on Saturday and my paternal grandma was asking about a locket I was wearing. I mentioned that my maternal aunts (mom’s sisters) got together for my 16th birthday and got me a locket. I have a photo of Mom in it.

My grandma thought it was so sweet. She asked if I still saw them often and I said yes. My grandma (my other mom’s mom) overheard and thought it was lovely that I still had them in my life.

My parents and siblings started complaining and it quickly derailed from there where they were bringing up the rejection of my siblings, the fact that I continue to chase people who couldn’t love children, and how I should be putting them first. I snapped at that point and I told them they were being unfair to me and expected everyone in the family to come first except for me and I was sick of it.

A fight broke out but I was gone. My family are all so angry with me. My parents told me I should never talk to my siblings that way.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ If it’s a comparison between who is getting the worse end of the deal between you and your siblings, then you are the one who is worst off because you are the one without a living biological mother.

I doubt your siblings would trade their mother’s life for being accepted as family by your maternal grandparents. It’s just not comparable.” ttnl35

Another User Comments:

“NTJ Your father, I am sorry to say, caused this problem by trying to cut your maternal grandparents out of your life.

He made them go to Court to get grandparents’ rights, then expected them to embrace his new wife and children after he had made your mother’s grieving parents go to Court. Can you imagine how hurtful that was to be told “I am getting remarried, she is going to adopt your grandchild and you will no longer be allowed any contact with her”?

Your other grandparents can appreciate your maternal grandparent’s position as they know how THEY would feel if it happened to them.” Future_Direction5174

Another User Comments:

“NTJ Everything you said was true and it’s not fair for them to expect you not to have a relationship with your grandparents.

Unfortunately, your parents seem to be looking at this as your third set of grandparents being something extra that your siblings don’t have. They’re not thinking about what you lost, maybe because you were so young when your mum died. While it would be nice if your maternal grandparents would accept your siblings there should never have been an expectation by your parents that they would.

You are their blood and a reminder of the good things about your mum’s life, whereas your siblings are probably a reminder of life carrying on without her. From their reaction to your necklace, your grandmothers seem to understand the importance of your relationship with your maternal family.

You don’t say how they responded when the fight happened, but is this something you could talk about with one or both of them? It may not help to change your parents’ minds, but it could be good to talk to someone without them telling you you’re doing something wrong.” RichSignal7022

1 points - Liked by java
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Mistweave 1 day ago
NTJ. Your dad is just mad he couldn't cut your grandparents out and tell you his wife is actually your mom because you were so young when she died. He wanted the easy way out.
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11. AITJ For Not Believing My Mom's Excuse For Not Babysitting During My Labor?

QI

“I (28F) recently gave birth to my second child.

My parents (57F/58M) live 6 minutes from my husband and me so our game plan was when I went into labor my parents would come and watch our first child while we were at the hospital. My Dad is very involved with our daughter (2y/o) but my mom often skips out on play dates and dinners I set up because she is too tired from work or doesn’t feel up to it.

For clarification, she works 6-8 hr days as a receptionist in a medical clinic. I went into labor 2 weeks early on a Friday and my dad was traveling until Sunday evening. I called my mom and she said she would be there but had to run to Target first. She got to our house 2.5 hours later.

I was freaking out because I went quickly with my first and they say you go faster with the second. She got there and when we laid out all the instructions and said we would likely be discharged late Sunday or early Monday she was visibly surprised. She asked if we really thought it would be all weekend and if she would need to cancel plans.

I asked then and there if we should bring my daughter with us and call my in-laws to meet us at the hospital and my mom said it was fine and she would happily watch her.

My in-laws are amazing with our daughter and are definitely the more involved grandparents but they live farther away (35/40ish minutes)

My mom called us early on Saturday morning (530ish) and said she had a headache and couldn’t watch our toddler. My husband called his parents and they literally showed up in their PJs by 6:15 am. I called my older sister to vent about how unreliable our mom was and how I thought she faked a headache to get out of watching our daughter.

My dad is the one who plays with her, gets meals ready, and does bedtime on the few occasions they have babysat her. I said she just wanted to get out of it because my dad wasn’t there to actually do the work.

For background, my mom used the headache excuse VERY often when I was growing up to get out of family things to have alone time at the house.

(Brothers football games, church, visiting in-laws, etc)

Well, my sister asked my dad if it was legit or if she was just trying to get out of it when she realized what a big commitment it was. Well, my dad told my mom. I was 3 days PP when my parents came to meet the new baby for the first time and she called me a jerk and asked if I really thought she faked a headache to get out of watching my daughter.

I said yeah because that was your excuse to get out of things you didn’t want to do while I was growing up. I told her I didn’t think she wanted the commitment and responsibility of watching my daughter alone for the entire weekend when my dad wasn’t there to do the hard stuff when she could have been at home enjoying the house to herself.

My dad said I was being unfair and said my mom had a terrible headache and almost went to the ER. They got a picture with the baby and left after 15 minutes.

AITJ for not believing my mom and calling her out on it?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, you didn’t tell your mom that. You told your sister, who told your dad, who told your mom. Sister should have kept your vent between you and her. Doesn’t really matter if she had a real headache or not, sounds like she’s been unreliable for years because of them.

Going forward I would only count on your father and in-laws, and just assume your mom is never available.” MrMagicMarker43

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Just because she told your dad she almost went to the ER doesn’t mean it actually happened. He wasn’t there. Though, one would think that after having such debilitating headaches for SOOOOO many years now, she would have gotten it checked out.

Made sure she didn’t have a brain tumor or whatnot. OR she just didn’t want to cancel her Sunday brunch plans and made the same old excuse that’s always worked. She should have taken something and dealt with it. Sorry, your mom sucks and she’s unhappy she got called on it.” -MistressMissy-

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. She agreed and knew that you were in labor and having a child. You are very fortunate to have amazing in-laws. If it was so bad to the point she was going to the ER at least one of your siblings or yourself would have been made aware and she would have waited to see your newborn.

It also does not help that she used the headache excuse while you were growing up to get out of attending events and overseeing her commitments. She is also justified in not wanting to take a hands-on approach with her grandchildren. She should have just been forthcoming about her wants and needs.

Your dad saying you are being unfair is ridiculous and he should stop enabling his wife. At this point, you know how your mother is and that she is not reliable. Focus on your health, newborn, and family. They are lucky to have gotten a photo.

I’m different though lol and tend to give the same energy back. You don’t need pictures and to act like the grandmother of the year on the socials lol. I’m curious to know what her expectations are of you though when and if she is in need.” SubstantialYouth9106

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Mistweave 1 day ago
NTJ. A headache is not a legitimate reason to dip out.
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10. AITJ For Wanting To Distance Myself From My Troubled Sister?

QI

“I (F23) have always had a complicated relationship with my sister (F24) Ella. As we grew up into teenagers she became depressed and I have always been the one who calms her down.

In grade 12 she began seeing a guy, Joe, and continued to see him for the next 5 years.

I never liked Joe but I didn’t think much of it because I was focused on my own life. During those years my sister and I rarely spoke. It turns out that Joe had been mistreating my sister and she felt like she couldn’t talk with me about it because I “had the perfect life”.

I wanted to help her now that I knew. But she didn’t want to leave him. Ella just wanted to vent. For months, I listened to my sister talk about her partner mistreating her. I felt trapped because I knew she would stop talking to me again if I kept telling her to leave him.

When he ended things with her, my parents sent me to talk to her because she was losing it. Her mind was so messed up, that no matter what I said she would go back to him. Ella invited him over and asked me to wait in the other room.

I begged her not to let him over, but she wouldn’t listen. He came over and told her it was over if she didn’t do what he said. You can imagine what happens next.

I called 911 and stormed into the room and told him to get out.

He saw that I was on the phone and left. In my head, I did the right thing, but my sister cried about how she would never forgive me for ruining her life. I had to be the one to tell my parents what happened. They tried to convince her to press charges but she wouldn’t and went back to him.

Fast forward and Ella tells me she’s finally ready to leave Joe. And she does… to get with another guy. Dave (M24), lives farther away and she has already gone to stay with him for 2 months. While Ella was with Dave, I asked her if she could come to a special event.

She said yes, then told me right before the event that she wanted to spend as much time with Dave as possible and asked if it was okay for her to miss it. I said I’d be upset if she missed it because I never asked anything of her.

She said that it was okay if I was mad and hoped that someday I could forgive her.

The reason why the event was so important is because I knew it’d be the last time I saw her before getting engaged. (My partner planned a trip and I knew they were gonna pop the question).

I’m engaged now and I have been back from my trip for 3 weeks now. My sister has not come to visit me once. She just talks with her new partner every day over the phone and she goes to see him whenever she can.

I’m angry. I feel like I do everything for her and she doesn’t care about me. Looking at the pattern, Dave is another mistreater in my eyes. When she and Dave fight or break up, I know she will call me crying. And I can’t help her without destroying myself.

Someone, please tell me, would I be the jerk if I stopped being there for her?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – self-care is important and it isn’t your job to be her entire support network. You have your own life to live, and she has her own choices to be accountable for It sucks what happened to her, and how it changed her and messed her up.

It isn’t your burden to bear, and I’m sorry to hear that your relationship is strained at the moment. The real jerk is the first abusive bf. From the sound of it, this is some trauma that will linger for a while. My best wishes to your family.” OneEyedMilkman87

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You are about to build a life with your fiancè. Focus on that. You were there for your sister when you had the time and energy, but she chose to do what she wanted. Your sister will continue to do what she wants and you don’t need to hang around and be her audience, cheerleader, or shoulder to cry on in between dramas.” napsrule321

Another User Comments:

” NTJ. I mean this in the most compassionate way possible. You matter. Your life and happiness matter. And that’s what you need to focus on now. Your sister is an adult and she keeps choosing people who are not good to her.

Your parents made you her emotional support because it was up to you to ‘calm her down’ when she was upset or depressed instead of getting your sister the intensive help that she needed. You love your sister, but nothing you say or do is going to improve her life if she won’t take the steps necessary to get better.

Instead of trying to figure out why she valued herself so little that she allowed someone to mistreat her, the solution was to jump right back into another relationship without doing her work. Unfortunately, until she learns to love herself and fix her own life, she won’t listen and she won’t change.

You can’t keep sacrificing yourself on the altar of her self-destruction. It’s time for you to let go.” moew4974

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Starlady 1 day ago
Sis has some crazy dependency issues. From her sister to one abusive guy to another possibility abusive guy. She has to cling to someone. Sounds like sis doesn't know how to just be her without an emotional crutch.
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9. AITJ For Leaving My Family After They Ignored My Struggles and Blamed Me For My Sister's Pregnancy?

QI

“I’m (21f) the oldest of six. My younger siblings are Jaz (18f), Dre (17m), Ro (15m), Jai (12m) and Tia (10f). My parents had high expectations for me. I was supposed to set a perfect example for my younger siblings. I was expected to be the perfect daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, and cousin.

My grades needed to be perfect so that meant no struggling with school, which sadly was impossible and school was not fun for me for that reason. It has long been suspected I have learning disabilities but my parents ignored those. I was expected to have perfect behavior.

I was expected to sacrifice for my siblings. I was expected to always be doting and to put my siblings before everyone else. I was supposed to take over most of the chores and offer to do them for my siblings.

I wasn’t perfect like they demanded and my parents were hard on me for it.

There were many times when I was yelled at until my parents were practically spitting everywhere because my grades were bad or because the teacher was concerned about my struggles and wanted to see them. Most of the time I didn’t want to do my sibling’s chores.

My siblings wanted so much from me and I found it too much. When I wanted them to back off there was more yelling and being told I was not doing my duty as the oldest.

Jaz and Dre were the two siblings I struggled with the most. I explained how hard things were for me and they didn’t care they just wanted me to keep doing stuff for them.

Jaz expected me to always be there, to continue living at home after I turned 18. In our community that is not too unusual and especially now in this economy it happens a lot. But I moved out right before the shelter-in-place order was given at the start of the year.

I knew it was coming and living with strangers sounded better than living with my family. Luckily I was able to live with friends instead.

I still saw my family after I moved out but it was honestly not easy and I stayed away more often than I saw them.

I got a lot of flak for it but it was better for me. Part of me needed to stay away too because I never graduated high school because my grades were so bad and I was bitter that my parents ignored the help schools said I needed.

Jaz is now pregnant and I am being blamed for leaving and not being there to set a good example. Jaz told me this too when she confronted me face to face. She said I was supposed to be there for her and I should have never moved out.

All kinds of accusations about abandoning her and how it was my duty to be there, etc. I lost it and I told her I didn’t want to be there for her and I was so glad to be away from them because all they did was take from me.

I told her I wanted them all to leave me alone. She burst into tears and I walked away ever since my parents, Jaz and Dre had been texting that I was such a jerk to my pregnant sister and how could I? I had to block them all.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ- op, your whole post is just heartbreaking. Your parents set a ton of super high standards for you without the support necessary to achieve them. The kind of things they were asking for, especially when it came to your siblings, is more in line with a parent/housekeeper/nanny combo and was unreasonable, and borderline abusive.

I’m so relieved you got out of there! Your sister’s pregnancy is on her and the father, first and foremost, and then your parents, a bit, but has nothing to do with you, the person who had to run away and save themselves years ago.

Keep them all blocked unless they can be reasonable, and work on building your own life with people who love and support you- you deserve it.” InterabangSmoose

Another User Comments:

“NTJ your parents let you down tremendously, and if anyone let Jaz down it’s them.

There is such a history of blaming you for everything that Jaz blames you for her pregnancy; of which you are right, you are not at fault. Nor are you to blame for getting tired of being a scapegoat and expressing your feelings. If the truth hurts that’s not on you.

Stop taking the blame or giving them opportunities. Go no contact and block them. You deserve to be happy. Perhaps it’s not too late to get a diagnosis and help for your learning disabilities.” copy

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. What your parents did to you is called parentification and it was unfair.

You were a child too. You don’t have a duty as the oldest. You deserved a childhood free of adult responsibilities, instead of being treated as a free nanny they could pass the younger kids off on. I’m sorry for everything you’ve been through, and I wish you all the joys of freedom in your new independent life.

Keep doing what’s best for you.” PonyoLovesRevolution

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Mawra 1 day ago
You are not responsible for your sister. She is responsible for herself. You are not responsible for your siblings. Your parents are. You need to get counseling and go very low to no contact with them.
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8. AITJ For Firing My Brother-In-Law From Our Home Renovation Project?

QI

“My wife (25F) and I (28M) have been searching for our starter home for the last three years. 6 months ago we found it, a small two-story home that would be perfect for us to start our family.

The only problem is there are some major issues with the home, most would call it a fixer-upper. The kitchen is old and outdated and needs to be completely redone, two bathrooms need to be redone and most of the flooring should be replaced. What made it perfect was the location and the price, since it was a fixer-upper.

We had saved enough funds to purchase a nicer home but since we loved this one so much we figured we would use the funds we saved to make the repairs necessary.

This was a mistake.

My wife suggested that her brother, who had spent years in construction, could do the repairs for us since he was currently out of work.

I didn’t know my wife’s brother very well since he lived in another state, but my wife’s family said he was great at what he did and we would be doing him a huge favor by hiring him to work for us. We asked my wife’s brother and he was immediately interested in working for us, but since we lived in another state he would need to stay with us while the work was being completed. Everything went well at first, my wife’s brother was a good house guest and I enjoyed getting to know him.

During the day my wife and I would go to work while he worked on the house. After weeks of this routine, I started to notice that our kitchen was still looking like it was in the demolition phase of construction and didn’t see any improvements being made.

I don’t know much about construction but I felt like the process was taking too long, that and the fact that every week we were spending more and more money on whatever he asked for, I started to question if my brother-in-law knew what he was doing.

I brought my concerns up to my wife and all she could say was to be patient, whenever I asked my brother-in-law he would make some joke about my cushy job and not knowing what real work was. I dealt with the lack of progress for a few more weeks but at this point, we were months into the project and over $20,000 into our $35,000 budget with nothing of any real value having been completed. I was at my end and I decided to sit both my wife and my brother-in-law down and tell them that I didn’t want him to do the work anymore and that I was going to hire someone else, with the small budget I had left, to finish the job.

My wife was upset and kept defending her brother and saying I should have talked with her first before I made this decision. Her brother had some choice words but said he was leaving the next day and that he wanted nothing to do with us anymore.

He left the next morning and since then my wife hasn’t spoken to me about anything that isn’t essential. Her family on the other hand has been calling me nonstop, saying that I shouldn’t have fired him and that I have created a rift in their family.

Now I don’t know what to do, so, am I the jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ for firing the deadbeat BIL, but YTJ for not talking to your wife about how her brother was taking advantage of the both of you by taking all your funds for fixing up the house.

Was she going to take over the repairs herself when her brother proved to her that he wasn’t going to finish the job?” Spank_Cakes

Another User Comments:

“Absolutely NTJ. Anyone that’s charged you 20,000 with a claim that he’s saving you funds should have given you itemized bills for what he spent funds on, and a statement of hours worked where he can show what you’re saving funds on by hiring him.

I work for my family all the time, and it’s really easy to show this is what I had to purchase, this is how much I saved you in labor. It’s a point of pride. Likely he just stole 20k, and your wife will see by how much you get done with the 15 that’s left.” HMSSurprise28

Another User Comments:

“All remodeling projects have start and end dates. So, what’s the end date? The progress meetings seemed to have yielded nothing. A reputable contractor brings receipts and detailed management plans to meetings. If your BIL was successful in the past he’s used to submitting a bid and a timeline.

NTJ. Either this is handled like business, or you NEED someone else to complete the work. At the very least, your BIL needs a foreman to oversee tasks. The error I see is that you did not tell your wife you’d decided to terminate this relationship with your BIL.

That was wrong of you.” AndSoItGoes24

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7. AITJ For Throwing A Card Game To Protect My Partner's Feelings?

QI

“I (22M) went to a party that my partner’s (22F) family was hosting.

This was my first time in this type of setting since I don’t have a large family like she does. For the most part, it was fun and the food was great. The problem started after dinner.

My partner’s uncle wanted to play a card game.

I had never heard of it, but my partner had played before. It had 4 people in 2 teams and since her skill level was still beginner, we decided to be on opposite teams to balance it out. I was partnered with her uncle who I’ll call A, and she was partnered with A’s brother who I’ll call B.

Before we started, they decided to change the rules to make it harder. My partner had never played this version but they insisted and she eventually agreed. A was a lot more chill than B, who I could tell was competitive right away. We started playing, and my team took the lead at first.

On the fourth or fifth turn, my partner put down a card and B raised his voice asking her what she was thinking. I know my partner had a rough childhood and gets anxious about these things since her parents weren’t great, so I noticed right away that she started to get fidgety.

As the game went on, B kept snapping and even yelling at her while A encouraged me. It was tense, and the entire family was watching. I wanted to hold her hand, but we were sitting across from each other.

My partner’s team managed to catch up.

At the last turn, I could have won, but even though I didn’t want to make B happy since he was making me angry making her so anxious over a card game of all things, I put down the wrong card and let them win.

B cheered and high-fived her but I could tell her nerves were shot. A called for a rematch and I joked, saying that since she was clearly the champ I should partner with her next time. But the mood was ruined, and everyone could tell what happened. My partner excused herself to get water and I followed.

She was crying, really quietly. I felt terrible. I hugged her, telling her B was ridiculous and we could leave if she wanted to. I apologized for not stepping in earlier, but she told me she was glad I didn’t since she didn’t want to cause a scene.

I still feel bad, since my partner already has family trauma and this added to it.

Before the party ended, my partner’s mom came up to me and told me that I shouldn’t have thrown the game, since everyone in the family is competitive and my partner was being “too emotional” even though she didn’t say a word or complain at all.

Her mom said that by throwing the game I embarrassed B, and made him feel like the bad guy.

I asked my partner, and she said even though it was obvious that I lost on purpose, she really appreciated me looking out for her. However, now her mom has told her not to bring me to any more events.

I just keep thinking of her crying in the kitchen, and I hate the idea of her having to do it alone. I’m not from the same culture as my partner and I don’t have a large family, so if I was out of line, I can’t really tell.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, you were just looking out for your partner. To be fair, your partner probably should have told you they were competitive like that so you both could’ve refrained from playing. There are types of people you can’t do certain things with cause they get super offended, there are certain video games I can’t play with certain people because it brings out the worst in them.” Kawala_

Another User Comments:

“NTJ as a matter of fact you seem really sweet. But though you can do your best to support your partner emotionally, and help her build her “boundaries” with her seemingly toxic family; you can’t always rescue her. She really needs to learn how to rescue herself.

Maybe work on role-playing how she can stand up for herself. How she can feel comfortable walking out the door when it gets too much? I don’t know all the scenarios that you could role-play and help her figure out better ways to respond so that she can build up her self-esteem.

Every time she takes back some control of her life and how she’s treated it will be better for her than to be rescued by you. Remind her that you are her BACKSTOP, not her front guard, because you have faith that she can develop the skills to tell them to back off, to tell them NO!

to not allow herself to be bullied. Also if she can access it–therapy/counseling MIGHT Help her to navigate a better path with family. (and others, because these family-trained responses do bleed over into friendships and work relationships).” MountainMidnight9400

Another User Comments:

“I’m skeptical this is even true as it all comes off as an attempt at a humble brag, but assuming it is true: NTJ for throwing the game cause it’s a dumb card game anyways, BUT, YTJ for sitting there the entire time watching her get reamed out by her uncle.

Why not just stop the game and be done?? Not very chivalrous to sit and watch her suffer the entire time…” AgitatedDot9313

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6. AITJ For Wanting To Move Out Because My Dad Won't Let Me Attend My Aunt's Memorial?

QI

“So I (17F) lost my aunt 3 days ago to substance use/organ failure and her memorial would be in Illinois ( I live in Michigan)

For context, my parents are divorced and I live with my dad currently. I haven’t been allowed to visit my mom’s side of the family since my freshman year of high school due to my parents being divorced and my mom having a falling out with my grandma.

I also have not been allowed to have any contact with any of those family members since up until a few months ago.

I have many fun memories with my aunt and love her deeply. I was invited to go to her memorial by my grandma.

It means a lot to me to go and be there as a way of saying goodbye but also to be there for the rest of my family who also lost a daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, etc. My grandma said she would pay for my plane ticket as well as a hotel room with her.

the only thing my dad would have to do is allow me to go and drive me to the airport/ terminal.

Before I could finish he shot me down and said no I am not allowed to go because I can count on one hand how many times I’ve seen her.

I texted him while I was at work saying this:

“I am so incredibly and unimaginably furious at you right now Dad. I asked to go to my aunt Jamie’s funeral to not only act as a way to say goodbye but also be there for everyone who lost a daughter, sister, and aunt.

I would miss 6 hours of school, grandma would pay for everything because they want me there. Respectfully how dare you use the excuse of me counting on one hand how many times I saw her when you and Mom both are the reason I haven’t been able to visit them in years.

I’m so upset I need a few days to calm down honestly”

his response:

“Ok, You know how I’m incredibly upset. Not every person can go to a funeral especially when it’s in a different state. Am I going to let you be at Detroit Metro Airport by yourself?

Shame on you for getting angry at your dad for saying the word no. You need to grow up and understand you’re not going to get your way all the time. You can’t even do your laundry so do I think you would leave your wallet or phone on a chair in the airport yes I do.”

I am seriously considering moving out when I turn 18 because I don’t personally think I could ever forgive him for this and for the reasons he gave me. He also told me I needed to grow up and know I wouldn’t always get what I wanted. This is infuriating because it’s not like I asked to go to the mall and he said no and I threw a tantrum, I asked to say my final goodbyes to my aunt and he said I’m not allowed to go.

When there is absolutely nothing stopping me; I physically can go.

Where I might be the jerk is thinking about moving out and not letting this whole situation go, I do understand I’m grieving so I very well could be blowing this out of proportion, moving out is a big thing to bring up, also I do understand traveling “alone”.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ also your dad is a question-talker. This makes me think that even the most well-crafted response would fall on deaf ears but here goes: *”Dad, I understand your concerns, but I want you to know that attending my aunt’s memorial is incredibly important to me.

I may not have seen her frequently, but the memories I have with her mean a lot to me. The falling out between Mom and her family was a painful situation for all of us, and I don’t want to let that define my relationship with my extended family forever.

Grandma wants me there, and she’s willing to help with the logistics.* *I understand that you worry about my ability to handle things on my own, like laundry, but I’m willing to take responsibility for myself in this situation. I’ll make sure to stay in touch and keep you updated throughout the trip.

It’s not about getting my way all the time; it’s about saying goodbye and supporting my family during this difficult time. Please reconsider, and let me be there for them.”* I don’t blame you for wanting to move out. (P.S. I also struggle with Laundry) The question is, can you channel this anger into calculated action and proactive steps WITHOUT letting your dad find out so that you can move out when you turn 18?” User

Another User Comments:

“I suggest notifying your mother’s entire family in your condolence email. “Dearest Family, I am aggrieved to hear of our collective loss. ‘I have many fun memories with my aunt and loved her deeply. I was invited to go to her memorial by my grandma.

It means a lot to me to go and be there as a way of saying goodbye but also to be there for the rest of my family who also lost a daughter, sister, aunt, cousin’. Unfortunately, my father has strictly forbidden my presence at the memorial. I will be with you all in spirit and please let me know if there is anything I can do to help in your time of need. All my love True_Plate9082 NTJ and I hope you are in a place where you can leave as soon as legally possible…Maybe Grandma has some ideas about that?

Is she lonely? Could you do online college for your early requirements while you work from near/in her residence?” Wrangellite

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Educational psychologist here and your dad is being very unreasonable. Arguments are weak and preventing you from this will negatively affect your relationship with him for years.

No one would blame you for going low/no contact once you can leave. If you can’t get a ride to the airport, your grandma can order a ride for you. I hope you get to go.” lmmontes

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helenh9653 2 days ago
NTJ. You attend someone's funeral because they matter to you, and no-one has the right to tell you that they shouldn't. Also, not wanting you to be alone at the airport is BS: you're 17, not 7!
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5. AITJ For Defending My Late Sister-In-Law's Wishes To My Brother's New Wife?

QI

“My brother met his late wife, Emer, when they were both 12. I was 14. Emer and I became really amazing friends and she and my brother ended up being together by the time they were 14 and were together until her death just after her 28th birthday.

They had two boys together who were 5 and 7 when Emer died.

Two years after Emer died my brother met his current wife Laura. They were together for two years and got married 18 months ago. The boys are now 11 and 13. The boys aren’t really crazy about Laura.

They are respectful but she wants a more motherly relationship with them and they’re not interested in that with her. My brother was sort of upset about their lack of interest in a closer relationship with Laura and we were talking about it recently and I brought up our own complicated relationship with our dad and his second wife.

The background there is my brother and I are both adoptees. Our mom was the woman who adopted us at our births with our dad. She died when we were 6 and 8. Our dad pushed for us to call his second wife mom. His wife pushed for the same.

The fact we were adopted was used as a reason why we should be able to accept his wife as our mom. Because we weren’t biologically related to our mom. Neither of us ever saw her as anything else and dad decided we should have no contact with each other if we didn’t accept his wife and her kids as our mom and siblings.

Emer knew how bad things were with our dad and his second wife and she often heard my brother vent about how bad dad for never understood that him falling in love with someone else enough for them to be his wife didn’t mean we would feel the same way about the same woman for her to be our new mom.

When Emer knew she was dying she told my brother to remember that if he found someone and their boys didn’t want her to be more than his wife. She also wrote him a letter and touched on it there. He had me read the letter to him after Emer passed.

Talking this all through with my brother helped him to realize he was doing what our dad had done. He said he somewhat understood dad a little, in that the hope was there, but he never wanted to do to his boys what dad did to us.

He and Laura spoke. Then a couple of days ago my brother and Laura were at my house and she was trying to tell him that Emer would have wanted the boys to have a second mom and it’s what all parents want. They would want someone doing that for their kids.

My brother told her he knew that wasn’t true. She asked if he really believed that and said he might have picked it up wrong. I told her she couldn’t speak for Emer. I reminded her that I was present when Emer said it and I read the letter to my brother.

She told me I should be backing her up and if I love Emer so much I would agree that she would want that. My brother told her I knew Emer. She said that didn’t mean I had to accuse her so harshly.

She told me I wasn’t helping anyone by interfering.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. She can be acting like a mother to those boys without forcing them to call her such. There is a huge difference in that, it sounds almost as if she is working on the premise “If they start calling me mom, they will start believing I am one”.

Instead of “If I act like they are my kids, they might start seeing me as their parent”. Also, not to forget, even with biological parents 11-13 is the start of teenage years and it isn’t specifically a good period during which kids feel very fond of their parents.

It is a more strenuous and rebellious time even when you are blood-related.” atealein

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I’d be blunt. “No, she literally and explicitly would not want that and she said so. You are not their mother, you are their stepmother, and the harder you push the more they will resent you, just like we resented our father’s wife for behaving like this.” She’s a fool for ignoring all the warnings you are offering, as well as just kind of horrible for trying to speak for someone who died *against their expressed views*.” [deleted]

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4. AITJ For Not Staying Up With My Twins During Work Week Despite Offering Other Solutions?

QI

“Back in June 2023, we had twins.

We also have a two-year-old (3 kids total). I (34) am an attorney and took a month off of work to assist where my wife (31) and I split all the duties. My wife does not return to her medical job until January 2023.

Before the twins, my career had taken off in which my income was above the 95th percentile.

And continues to grow as I have brought on more Fortune 500 clients to my firm. I am on track to make a partner this year, but my work requires substantial time supervising the 10+ attorneys who work under me.

As a result, my schedule M-F looks like this.

6:30 AM – Toddler wakes up. Get her dressed, potty training routine, breakfast, and take her to daycare. By 8:00, I am at my home desk working. Periodically, I will go on walks once a day just to see the sun, usually when I have a client call that does not require me to be in front of the computer.

By 4:30, I shut down my computer, and assisted my wife with the twins, and she went off to pick up the toddler from daycare. I have offered to pick her up, but my wife says she likes to do this because it breaks up her day.

From 4:30 PM till the kids’ bedtime my wife and I alternate cooking, feeding, and playing with the kids.

By 8:00 – 9:00 PM, the kids are down, and my wife and I spend some time together. 10:00 PM she is off to bed, and I return to work until Midnight (or later if needed).

Before I go to bed, I make sure the dishwasher is cleared, clothes are folded, and take the trash out. Rinse and repeat.

On weekends (Friday / Saturday), I stay up with the twins so my wife can get a full night’s sleep. They are very difficult at night.

I also periodically work on weekends (I try to keep it no longer than an hour while the kids are napping, or responding to emails while feeding the twins).

Three days a week, a nanny comes to take care of the twins for 4 hours so that my wife can have time to herself or do errands.

I have offered to pay for a doula or night nurse, but my wife refuses. I’ve offered to pay to send the twins to daycare, but my wife does not want that (but agrees they will go to daycare once she goes back to work in January 2024).

I’ve suggested having the nanny come for more days and longer periods, but she won’t agree to that.

**The AITJ comes up where my wife now wants me to stay up with the twins during the work week.**

She sees that I am already up at night, “So what’s the big deal of just staying with them until 2 PM.” I have told her that I will pay for help, but I can’t do my job and take care of the kids.

Money is not a problem here, but if I can’t do my job, money will become a problem.

There are many things I could be doing to propel my career, but I have decided that helping at home is important so I have shaped my work life around my family.

But I can’t alter any more. I am already getting pressure from my work to return to the office (add a 40-minute commute one way every day), for more Facetime.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“Your wife is being ridiculous. You’re up at 6.30 and she wants you to stay awake till 2???

She’ll be pushing you towards an early grave if you try and survive on that little sleep. The real issue, for me, is that she’s expecting YOU to do extra, when what you need as a family is outside help. Either she’s being unreasonable by refusing this, or there’s more to the situation than you’ve revealed. Based on what you’ve said, NTJ.” BrainsNotBeauty

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Why does your wife refuse hired help? I’m assuming you earn enough to afford it especially because it seems you need it. You will need it once your wife starts work again so why not start it early while your wife can supervise?

Do not compromise on your health, in my opinion, you’re doing enough already.” Rishinc

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You are in a very demanding phase of your career. It’s not that you are not helping. You cannot help right now the way she WANTS you to.

But that doesn’t mean you have not been supportive. You have offered plenty of legitimate alternatives that would support her as she needs. But that is not what she wants. Definitely NTJ.” [deleted]

Another User Comments:

“I’m hearing you. Twins are so hard! You can afford help.

I totally understand that your wife doesn’t want the daycare option yet and you, even if you don’t know it yet, don’t want that because the children will get everything that’s out there and that just makes it more difficult. More nanny hours or an evening nanny is what’s needed. I’m struggling to understand your wife’s position here – what other solution is she offering than “You must work harder at home”?

Is it possible that there is an issue with depression, in that your wife is literally unable to see past her own struggle in coping with the current situation?” Uppercreek101

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3. AITJ For Considering Taking My Ex-Husband To Court Over Unpaid Debt?

QI

“My (29F) ex-husband (30M) and I have been divorced for 5 years now. We were together starting in middle school and got married in October 2016. I ignored a lot of red flags and things ultimately got much worse after we got married and by the time we hit our 1st anniversary, we were not happy at all.

I tried to make it work but in January 2018 we finally separated and spent a few months saving up to file for divorce out of court. We did not own any property together, our cars were separate, and separating our bank accounts was easily done.

We did have a joint credit card and some bills that we had from a previous apartment that needed to be paid off that he agreed to split.

By the time we divorced a few months later, he had spent several hundred dollars from my account (previously our joint account) to pay his credit cards off since the account was linked to his cards for previous payments.

He agreed to pay this back too.

I started seeing my current husband about a year later. When we began seeing each other, my ex blocked me on all social media and changed his number. He had not paid a penny until that point and I finally decided to send him a certified letter with some encouragement from my husband, then partner, letting him know I would be taking him to court if he did not get in touch with me about what he owed me.

He did and I printed out bank statements and joint bills to show what he owed which came to a little over $6,000. He agreed to pay it and we drew up a contract and signed it and had it notarized, in case we ever did end up going to court.

The original agreement was that he would pay at least $100 a month, which was low but I felt extremely generous since he was living with his parents and did not have many bills of his own.

Now, 4 years later, we reassessed how much he owed 6 months ago and it was still close to $5500.

He had barely paid $1000 total over those years. In the past 6 months, he has only paid an additional $300 and was supposed to pay something toward it this week. Something always seems to “come up” when he is supposed to pay and I have been very lenient with him not paying when he’s supposed to but I’ve had enough.

I told him today that I’m not going to let this go on another 10 years and he needs to figure something out. Some of my family is suggesting taking him to small claims court to get this settled and hopefully have it paid off so I no longer have to deal with him.

He has given me a lot of anxiety due to things during our marriage and I have been dealing with it in therapy since we split. I am a kind person but I don’t think I can keep being kind to him anymore when he never was to me.

My husband thinks he is dragging this out to keep in contact, which makes sense based on some of his comments (including one where he told me he wished my baby was his when he found out my husband and I was expecting). AITJ if I do take him to court over this?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ this is funds he effectively stole from you. Take him to court and get your funds back although he still may not pay. In the UK if a debtor does not pay after the courts have awarded it, you can pay a small fee and have the Court Sheriffs collect the debt, whether it is in goods, cars, etc. Not sure if there is a similar system where you are.” [deleted]

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Small claims court has different limits. In my state, it’s up to $10,000, so if you can go that route I would do it. There is a difference between being kind and being walked all over. At this point, you’re being unkind to yourself to keep letting him drag this out and cause you stress.” friendlily

Another User Comments:

“NTJ but only if you finally do it and get it over with. Your current husband must be the chillest of dudes. You sent the letter, and the ex agreed and signed to the weakest payment plan ever, and he didn’t keep it up.

4 years later, you just let it drag out. And now you’re still focused on your drama with the ex long after he became one and you’ve remarried. You’ve never done the things you need to do to process and let go of this issue, whether that is collecting or dropping it.

The only reason you haven’t done this already is because of your past with your ex and whatever way you feel about it. Meanwhile, your husband has been supportive and helpful, taking a backseat to  drama with the ex, he’s had to deal with for 4 years.

Give your marriage the respect it deserves by finishing this with your ex and putting the past… in the past. Either take it to small claims to get your funds, or let him keep the funds. But move on.” JunkerPilot

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User Image
Mawra 1 day ago
Either take him to court, or forgive it. If not, you will be dealing with him forever. He's dragging it out on purpose.
0 Reply

2. AITJ For Being Upset My Tattoo Artist Altered My Personal Design Without Consent?

QI

“I recently went to my regular tattoo artist to get an addition to my back piece we’ve been working on.

I took the time to design my tattoo and send it to her. I’ve gone to her for years now and I’ve never had an issue, until a couple of days ago. She told me ‘ok I got you’ and that was all. I went to my appointment as usual and she had already set everything up.

I went with it because like I said I’ve gone to her for years and I’ve never had an issue. It was also on my back so I couldn’t see what she was doing. The next day I had someone take a picture of it and it looked nothing like I wanted, so I texted her and explained what my issues with the tattoo were.

She also immediately asked if I wanted to cancel my future appointments and if I wanted to see another artist. I never said any of that. I asked for her advice and help. She goes on and says she won’t do someone else’s design so she did her own thing.

I designed the tattoo. I told her she couldn’t have asked me if she wasn’t sure. She goes on and on about how she used my drawing and sent a video of her tracing it, but she ended up changing it and adding to it, which I didn’t ask for.

She added shading around the original tattoo that I also didn’t ask for.

I wasn’t mad or rude, I was genuinely upset about the tattoo and reached out for help. I have the text messages saved because I’m in complete shock.

This is by no means me bashing her, she’s an amazing artist that’s why I kept going back, but the one time in years I have a problem this is how she handles it.

She kept saying I was being snarky when all I did was try to communicate. She said I don’t know what tattoo artists go through to get a straight line, which I do. I’ve always loved tattoos and hope to one day be an artist myself.

I know it’s hard to pull a straight line, but I also know you have to work with people sometimes and people aren’t a piece of paper, which she used as an analogy to “how much I was moving”. Again I have always remained perfectly still for my tattoos or to the best of my abilities, which in this case was known and talked about beforehand.

She also went in and said I was rude to her because she had to go through my friend to reach me about my appointments. Her account got deleted and she had to make another one. My account got deleted too. We usually book months in advance and I forgot about one of my appointments, that was my fault I should have reached out but that had nothing to do with the tattoo she did.

She recently got a phone for clients which makes it so much easier to book and talk to her, but I don’t see why that was brought up. I apologized when I got to my appointment and she said it was all fine.

I felt like I was being gaslit and not taken seriously.

She was so rude and entitled it threw me completely off guard. I was not once mean or nasty. She ended up blocking me on her phone because according to her she’s “not the one”.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I would be posting that conversation on every review site I could.

I get artists being picky about what work they do and how they do it, but it would have been incredibly easy to clue you in about what was being done to your own body.” Wide-Heron-1015

Another User Comments:

“NTJ you are being gaslit, go to her boss, if what she did is far off from your design then she is near lawsuit territory.

Go to her boss and work out a resolution if you can, because your artist does NOT have carte blanche to do whatever she would rather do on your skin when she agreed on something you wanted.” The_Slapnut

Another User Comments:

“NTJ However, did you look at the design?

the stencil? Did you not want to see it in the mirror after the session? Even if you trust her as an artist there were many options to check along the way It’s your tattoo and you have every right to want the tattoo you want, but it sounds like there was a breakdown of communication (her not realizing it was your design for example) which are worth taking into account in future” Fit_Tangerine1175

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1. AITJ For Not Calling My Sick Grandma Who Rarely Contacts Me?

QI

“I had what I thought was a good relationship with my grandma (74) all my life. I’m the eldest grandchild and I’ve visited every week since I was 15. I stayed for a few hours each time and made sure to call throughout the week. As I got older I still visited but called a lot more.

About a year after my fourth child when I was 29 I started to have very bad panic attacks. I couldn’t leave the house and slept all day. I did nothing, saw no one, and just spent my days in fear waiting for the next panic attack.

Weeks went by and although I couldn’t call her…she didn’t call me.

After a while, I did some maths and realized, she very very rarely called me the only time she did call me was for help with an internet question, etc. She never visited me or the kids unless it was for a birthday party I arranged for them.

(She was fully able-bodied, I live within walking distance but also both our houses are yards away from a free bus service)

I was still sick at this point, I was in and out of A and E with panic attacks (sounds pathetic but unless you have ever had one you can’t fully understand).

Still, she never called to see how I was. My sister calls her just as frequently as me and my grandma also calls her too and my sister said she was still calling her, she knew of my mental health, etc. but still nothing.

I vowed that day I wouldn’t call her again, she didn’t want to speak to me because she would call everyone but me, and I was too down to care.

I caved a few times as I got better because I love her and I wanted to speak to her, and every time she was pleasant, we talked and it was fine. I’d get the occasional “you haven’t called in a while” jabs and each time I’d say, “I’ve been sick, you are free to call me too.

Anytime”. But she never did.

Fast forward to now, I’m 34, I have been diagnosed with a panic disorder and very rarely leave the house, I have lost the confidence to drive and rely heavily on my husband.

About a year ago my sister was telling me about a phone call she had had with grandma.

She implied that my sister and I hadn’t amounted to anything in life but our cousin was amazing. This hurt both of us, my sister is only a stay-at-home parent because she has one son with autism and another with autism and Digeorge syndrome. I still struggle with my mental health but have my own business that I run from home.

It was at that point my contact completely ceased with my grandma. No more caving. She didn’t care and I wasn’t going to be part of it. She confirmed this again, not even attempting to call me. But continuing to call everyone else.

Now she’s sick, she’s not dying but she’s been in hospital for 2 weeks.

My sister just ended a call with me because my grandma was calling her. I’m sitting here crying out of nowhere after years of making the effort and pretending I don’t care that I’m the only person she doesn’t call. Why doesn’t she call me too?

AITJ for not calling her ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. But also, if you want to call her, call her. You are only punishing yourself by refusing to call her if you want to. You were 29 when you stopped initiating all of the contact with your Grandma?

Maybe she was used to you calling and coming over and took your lack of calling as a lack of care for her. I only speculate that because I have been in a similar situation.” SabrinaBee1360

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I will say it might be worth talking to her about it—it’s entirely possible she fell into the routine of receiving calls instead of calling herself with you, and took you no longer calling as a sign that you don’t want to talk—but you aren’t a jerk for being hurt and not wanting to reach out to someone who isn’t putting in the same effort.” Thursday-tooth

Another User Comments:

“NTJ: but if you miss speaking to your grandma, just pick up the phone and call her. Maybe she will never be good at initiating contact, but if you’d rather have to be the one to always call than never speak to one another, just pick up the phone and start where you left off.

I’m sorry she’s not as great at reaching out as you are, that can be hurtful.” RedditSoleLouboutins

-1 points (1 vote(s))
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In these stories, we've explored a range of complex moral and emotional dilemmas, from family disputes and relationship challenges, to professional conflicts and personal boundaries. Each story reminds us of the intricate nature of human relationships and the difficult decisions we sometimes face. While the answers aren't always clear, they provoke thought and encourage understanding. Upvote, downvote, and comment on your favorite stories by signing up for a Metaspoon account. Click Log In at the top right corner of this page to get started. Note: Some stories have been shortened and modified for our audiences.