People Ask For Feedback In These "Am I The Jerk?" Stories

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Wouldn't life be simpler without jerks who mess with the tone and mood of your day? But what if we're the jerks in other people's stories? It's not always obvious whether our actions are despicable or reasonable. It's hard to see outside of yourself! Read on and let us know who you think the jerk is. AITJ = Am I the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk WIBTJ = Would I be the jerk? YTJ = You're the jerk

14. AITJ For Not Including A Friend's Emotional Support Dog Therapist In Vacation Plans?

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“‘Linda’ and I just had our first baby. I have paternity leave scheduled during September and we booked an Airbnb in the mountains. The place does not allow pets.

The Airbnb has three bedrooms. After booking it we decided it would be nice to invite another couple. They said it sounded fun.

‘Diva,’ asked us if she could bring her dog with a therapist note, and then when we said we didn’t like that idea, Diva decided to reach out to the Airbnb owner directly to ask for an exception without discussing it with us.

Diva (verbatim via SMS): ‘He’s not just a dog to me. He’s an adventure dog and I hate leaving him in the kennel. I think everyone has a different dynamic with their animals.’

‘Nico’ wanted her to drop this, and put their dog in the kennel as they’ve done before when traveling.

The next morning Linda sent a group message saying:

‘Diva and Nico, we love you guys and hope you know that.

Fido is not invited on this trip.

It would give me (and Caleb) anxiety to have him there for a number of reasons. (Baby) is unfamiliar with Fido, and vice versa. We are not comfortable having a dog in a pet-free rental. And the entire dynamic of a vacation is changed when pet care is involved.

We were hurt by your innuendo that we somehow care less for our pets than you do.

We feel you overstepped a boundary by reaching out to the host directly, to make requests we don’t agree with, without having a discussion with us first. We hoped that this would be something we could all look forward to, and be excited about.

Diva, we were unaware that you might be medically unable to leave Fido. We hope you are still able to join us, and we would look forward to enjoying the time together.

Love, Linda and Caleb.”

Diva: ‘Y’all enjoy. We’re not coming.’

Linda & Me: ‘Understood’, (Thumbs up)

Diva: ‘In Fido’s defense, he’s low maintenance and great around babies and kids. But that’s irrelevant now. I’m also offended that he wasn’t considered since I consider him family.’

Me: ‘We booked a vacation for ourselves, had some extra space, and then thought it would be nice to invite our friends. Fido was not a consideration at all.

You two are still invited if you change your mind between now and September. We love you guys.’

Diva: ‘(Thumbs up emoji) Enjoy. We’re still not coming.’

Nico feels caught in the middle. The two of us are fine. It feels a bit like our relationship with Diva may be permanently damaged.

We don’t want to be disrespectful of anyone’s mental health disabilities. We were trying to do something nice.

Now, this trip has a huge dark cloud around it, and we feel like trash (but we don’t feel wrong).

We pulled the ‘anxiety card’ in Linda’s message because that is what Diva’s therapist support-dog note is for… so we figured there would be no grounds for her to push back on that un-hypocritically.”

Another User Comments:
“‘We pulled the ‘anxiety card’ in Linda’s message because that is what Diva’s therapist support-dog note is for… so we figured there would be no grounds for her to push back on that un-hypocritically.’

This.

Some people are uncomfortable around dogs or other animals, but somehow, this discomfort is expected to take a back seat to a person’s unwillingness to leave their pet behind.

And make no mistake; an ’emotional support animal’ is a pet. They are not trained service animals. Pretty much anyone who has a pet they love derives some ’emotional support’ from the animal; getting a note from a therapist doesn’t mean you’re more special than anyone else.

If you have a legitimate disability where you need a dog (or whatever), then get a certified service animal.

At my last job, I was working the till. We had the lanes paired together, then the registers, so the cashiers would be next to each other if there were enough lanes open; imagine CLLCCLLC, etc, where ‘C’ is a cashier, and ‘L’ is a lane. Anyways, the girl next to me is ringing some guy through when his dog literally jumps up on her (not aggressively, but just excitedly), and she’s taken aback.

Officially, pets weren’t allowed in the store, but we normally let it slide if no problems were caused. I informed the guy that pets weren’t allowed, and he just went off on me, yelling that it was an ‘assistance dog’, and that he’d already shown a card stating such, but (conveniently) wouldn’t show me.

Another time, some guy was standing with his dog a little ways from the checkouts, and I was standing around because I had no customers.

I looked away, and when I looked back, there was a fresh turd beside the dog. The guy looks down at it, looks around, and then starts to walk away. I called out ‘Excuse me, sir, is that your dog’s?’ He tried to act as though it wasn’t from his dog, but I shamed him into picking it up. The idiot was just going to leave it there.

These are examples of why some places have no-pet policies. Trained service animals are different, and they do not behave in this manner.

We have a cat, and I for one would feel uncomfortable boarding her or leaving her at home alone for more than one night. I wouldn’t want to go on vacation and be separated from her for multiple days, and I think she would likewise be distressed being separated from us.

None of those things entitle us to bring her into a ‘no pets allowed’ environment.” lectricpharaoh

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

Sometimes trips are for specific people only.

Some parents want kid-free weekends. Some spouses want sisters-only weekends (or brothers-only weekends).

I guess you didn’t specifically say that this was a ‘human’s only’ vacation. But either way, when asked to go on a trip, I tend to ask a few clarifying questions.

You know, the usual, like, when do we leave, do I get my own room, are my husband and kids invited, are pets allowed, etc…

If an invite says ‘Linda and Caleb,’ would you automatically assume your baby was also invited, or would you figure you should ask first, then check if you needed to hire a sitter? The same logic applies here.

Fido is not a service animal.

By Diva’s own words, he’s an ‘adventure dog’. So, he doesn’t detect if she’s about to have a seizure or help guide her down the street, or prevent her from harming herself (these are all things that service animals can be trained to do). He just… goes on adventures with her?

That’s fun, but that doesn’t make him a service animal.” NotSoAverage_sister

Another User Comments:
“Yikes. You thought you were doing something nice, offering them the chance to join you.

Your friend asked about her dog, you said it was a no pets place. Most people at that point would say either that’s OK, we’ll find a pet sitter/kennel or we can’t put the dog in a kennel right now so we’ll miss out this time. I have had to pull out of a family trip I’d agreed to before I got a puppy because she wasn’t where I felt she should be for me to leave her for a week because she was only 5mo when I was supposed to go. It was a no-hard feelings withdrawal.

Your friend’s entitlement is just astounding. ESAs are not service animals. They have not gone through the required training. They are pets with a treater’s note based on subjective feedback of the owner. They don’t lead the blind or detect seizures etc which are the objective functions of a service dog.

NTJ.” airazaneo

6 points (6 votes)
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Pepper20 4 months ago
TJ is Diva - YNTJ - Sounds like you may need to cut your losses there.
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13. AITJ For Letting My Son Grow Out His Hair Even Though My Family Hates It?

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“My son is 15, He has wanted to grow out his hair for a long time. My wife was seriously against it. I decided to give him permission to do it and he knows has grown out his hair till his shoulders. My wife wants him to cut it off but he is very insistent that he keep it. I have seen him just sit and play with his hair.

His sister does love to braid his hair and he is always willing to let her do it. It is a bit odd but he is not hurting anyone and he follows all the rules. My wife does argue with him about it sometimes

My father visited last week and he is also against it. He thinks my son looks too feminine with his hair. He is worried that he will be bullied and made fun of.

I don’t particularly care but I am worried about this, Teenage boys can be vicious and I am worried about him being bullied too. I feel like a jerk because I am letting my son do something which may hurt him because of others’ actions. My wife hates that I am letting him grow his hair but she just says it isn’t right. I feel like I am creating a lot of conflict in the household by letting my son grow out his hair.”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

It’s hair. It grows. You cut it, or you don’t. I had long hair from about 13-21 (and I mean, past my shoulders, wore it in a ponytail most of the time. Supplemented it with a big beard in college, too.)

Then, I decided to cut it short and wore it short until about March of last year when things like ‘haircuts’ didn’t matter so much. I’m 43, my hair is probably about 6-8 inches long, and I keep it neat and combed because I’m an adult.

Does my wife LOVE the look? no. But she’s also not complaining to me about it, either.

Your son’s tastes will change. Long hair doesn’t make you feminine. Long hair won’t get you bullied, either, and bluntly, his grandfather is both old enough and probably young enough to remember the 60s and 70s and how kids were ALL wearing long hair (unless you were a square) so his opinion is kinda nonsense, you know?

Long hair isn’t hurting his academics.

It’s not going to stop him from playing sports (i mean, have you seen some of the guys in the NFL and MLB with the long hair?) It’s not going to stop him from meeting girls and going out with them (if that’s his thing), either. The girls who he’s looking to attract will be the ones who like a guy with long hair.

And if he happens to be LGBTA+ and wearing his hair long as part of a process of self-discovery? He’s still your kid, the hair isn’t the problem, and you should all be encouraging him to find out who he is anyway.

So yeah, you stand by your boy and continue to be a good father. Wife and your father are jerks.” FrnchsLwyr

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

I’m a grown man with hair that reaches about mid-back, and it’s about the only one of my features I like. I wanted to have long hair basically my entire youth but had parents like your wife and FIL – everything from ‘you’re not a girl,’ ‘you’ll look like a hooligan,’ to ‘not under my roof’ and beyond.

I begrudgingly had my hair cut regularly, but made no effort to do anything with it. I had no self-confidence, to begin with, and the kind of micromanagement of my appearance that I dealt with just made me resentful of my folks. I had absolutely zero pride in my appearance.

You’re giving your boy the freedom he deserves and let him wear his hair in a way that he can take pride in.

Who gives a darn if it looks feminine? Who gives a darn if someone looks at him sideways for it? Those are all fleeting encounters and mean nothing in the long run. My wife braids my hair for fun, and even though I’ll always take them out, it honestly feels nice to have someone else play with, brush, or style your hair.

My hair is beautiful, and I don’t even care how arrogant that sounds.

While it’s super awkward when it happens, it makes me so happy when people compliment it (generally women, which is even a higher compliment than hearing it from anyone else). It makes me feel seen, where for most of my life (due to many other issues – not just my hair lmao) I felt invisible to the world.

Your wife sounds like she probably means well, or at least I’d hope she does.

But she also has an extremely narrow view, especially given the world as it is today – and I’d bet she probably grew up in a pretty conservative and/or religious house, where these sorts of outlooks are unfortunately still way too common.

I’d also have to fight the urge to tell my father-in-law to shut his mouth since it’s not really any of his concern how you choose to let your son wear his hair.

But I also generally dislike my father-in-law and have told him to shut his mouth over far less, so your mileage may vary.” User

Another User Comments:
“NTJ! 100% NTJ!

I don’t know where you live, but the world is changing, and the rest of your family should come along. My 5 yr old son wears skirts and/or sequined shirts to public school sometimes, because he thinks they look nice.

We talked about what would happen if someone made fun of him, and he decided to say, ‘Well, that’s old-fashioned. And anyway, who cares what you think?’ I’m sure, if it’s been a problem at all, your son has some equally pithy response. And it may not be a problem at all (lots of men have long hair now!).

Let your teenage son figure out who he is, what he likes, and what he wants.

Have his back. The world will do enough to tear him down–don’t help. Encourage your wife to examine why she wants his hair short. Tell your family that it’s his choice, not yours. You’re already making the right decision, don’t let them or anyone tell you otherwise.” heidiname

Another User Comments:
“NTJ for various reasons:

If your kids are going to experiment with anything, hair is the best outlet.

Hair can be cut at a moment’s notice. Hair grows back. Nothing that your kids do with their hair will have a long-term impact one way or the other on their life.

If your father seriously thinks that he’s a better judge of what will get a 15-year-old boy bullied than the 15-year-old himself, then he’s completely forgotten what it was like to be a teenager. I remember when I left for college and was finally able to grow my hair out the way I wanted.

I’ve never gotten as many compliments about my hair in my life as I did that year. I’m willing to bet that the long hair makes your son more popular, not the other way around. Teenagers don’t need to impress the folks who are grandpa’s age. They need to impress their own peers.

It’s not really your decision anymore. Part of allowing your kids to grow up healthy involves loosening your control of their decisions as they grow into them.

How is your kid going to learn to think for himself when his parents won’t even let them decide how to even style their own hair at 15? Dealing with the consequences of bad decisions at an early age prepares us to avoid making bad decisions later when the stakes are much higher. Even if he does get bullied (but he probably won’t), he will have learned an important lesson about conformity.

A fifteen-year-old should have the freedom to decide what clothes and hair they’re going to wear. You’re not going to be around to make his decisions much longer, and he needs all the decision-making practice he can get while you’re still around to help his course correct. When your son wants your advice on his fashion choices, he’ll ask for it.” SomeoneYouDontKnow70

5 points (5 votes)
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jake 4 months ago
NTJ. Many men have long hair and many women have short hair. Hair, like clothing, should have no gender assigned to it. Having long or short hair is a personal choice.
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12. AITJ For Sleep Talking?

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“I have an issue of sleep talking. Not saying random words incoherently, having real conversations with my partner, and having no recollection the next morning.

Well, a few days ago my partner called me and asked me to pick her up from her house late at night. She had had a very hard day and wanted me to get her. The only problem was I never showed.

I was asleep for the call.

She has been mad at me for days now and I could not figure out why. She just told me what happened and I am quite shocked. I feel bad, but also we have had issues from my sleep talking in the past. I can’t expect her to always check if I’m really awake, but I also feel I can’t be held accountable for what my conscious mind had no part in.”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

But if it is serious, she should follow up with another phone call. I have similar issues. First 15 min of being awake, I don’t remember things. My mom told me to pick up my bros when I was in HS, I apparently said sure, but clearly didn’t happen. CPS was called. Oops. Lol.

But my husband knows this issue, so he will call me multiple times if it’s an urgent request.

If not, he will follow up with a text message so I see when I wake up. She has to learn to deal with this condition, bc it ain’t getting better.” Cocohamster

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

I get that it’s probably frustrating for her, but it’s also out of your control. It’s not fun to know that your brain and body are carrying on without your knowledge or participation.

I am a sleepwalker who will sometimes randomly eat in my sleep. I know it’s weird and inconvenient to live with a sometimes-raccoon, but if my husband resents me for it he at least does a good job of hiding it.

Maybe you guys could come up with some kind of phrase or word to use so that she knows you’re actually awake during late-night conversations?” personofpaper

Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.

She’s just going to have to write this off as a learning experience. Next time… maybe more advanced notice and follow up from her. You… turn off your phone when you’re asleep. Come up with a code phrase she can ask you to verify that you are awake. Or immediately call you back to confirm.

If you plan to stay together./. she… and you… will have to adapt. She can’t expect to fix the issues just by getting annoyed. She needs to offer up some helpful ideas.” SpecialProcess5585

4 points (4 votes)
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jasn 4 months ago
No, it wasn't intentional. She knows there is issue so should double check to make sure you got the message.
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11. WIBTJ If I Tell My Wife We Can't Have A Dog?

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“My wife and I really want to get a dog, it’s been a topic of discussion for almost a year. I work at a doggy daycare that hikes dogs in the mountains, and between firsthand experience there and doing research, I know pretty well what I want in a dog. I like somewhat high-energy, intelligent, and well-socialized dogs. The dogs that fit best into that category tend to be rez dogs and hound mixes.

My wife also knows what she wants: big, cute, and fluffy (verbatim what she said when I asked her the question). The problem is that there aren’t really any dogs like that that do well in our home environment (middle of a city with a small yard) or at work. The dogs she wants are either a large doodle (I asked if she would be okay with a standard poodle because they do a lot better, but she thinks they’re ugly), and a few breeds of herding dogs.

They are consistently two of the worst dog types that come out because they both display behaviors that cause fights.

I don’t want a dog that’s going to cause problems at work, nor do I want to have to tire a dog out at home after spending a day at work doing just that with 15-30 dogs. She is not a very outdoorsy person and I really don’t think she’s capable of putting in the work to tire a large, higher energy dog out herself.

It gets to the point where every time we discuss getting a dog it becomes an argument over behavior vs aesthetics. I’ve asked her to come to work with me but we’re on different sleep schedules so she never follows through. I’m at a point where I want to tell her that we can’t discuss getting a dog until she comes to work with me a few times and gets that perspective, not just from seeing it, but from discussing with my incredibly knowledgeable coworkers what kind of dog would work best for our lifestyle.

I feel I may be the jerk because this does feel like a dumb thing to issue an ultimatum about, and I know she won’t be happy, but I also feel like we’ll never be able to come together on a decision about a dog until something changes.

P.S. I’m not really a breed freak but it is kind of impossible to ignore those behavioral traits that are consistently exhibited by certain breeds, there are certainly good herding dogs that come out, but when I’ve asked their parents, they’ve put thousands of dollars into training the bad behaviors out that we quite frankly don’t have.

Doodles are usually just dumb (I think because they almost exclusively come from backyard breeders) and their social issues aren’t really something you can train out. Also, I’ll be going to training school sometime in the next year or so and I need to have a dog to take to that, so this will end up being a dog I have for my education as well as a pet.”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ, research is really needed to know what type of dog will fit your lifestyle.

I personally love beagles but they can be a challenging breed due to being fairly smart & stubborn. They really need a lot of training to lessen the less desirable traits. Herding dogs are notoriously high energy coupled with high intelligence. They HAVE to have the stuff to tire them physically as well as mentally. There are several breeds that I would love to have (I absolutely love border collies) but I know that my lifestyle wouldn’t suit a dog like that.

Your wife really needs a wake-up call on how breeds are so she is fully aware of what requirements they will need as far as home life. I would hate for you to give in, get a breed she wants, & then it is too much for her to handle & then she insists on getting rid of them. It happens so much & is really hard on the pup.” Sea-Expert2480

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

A dog is a living being, when getting a dog you NEED to consider how you will look after it and provide it with a quality of life. Exercise, companionship, food, socialization with other dogs and people. These are all things that should be considered before getting a dog.

I think setting that boundary is a great idea, if your wife is able to see the amount of work, time, and money she would have to tout in with the breeds she wants she may change her mind…

I don’t think your wife should get a dog, she is looking for an accessory… when in reality you would be this dog’s lifelong companion. Set the boundary, and tell her that the dog you end up getting needs to be one that works for your training which is more important than her aesthetics.” Responsible_Cry6104

Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, sorry man based on what you’ve said I don’t really think you are the dog expert you think you are.

A doodle of some sort would be completely fine you are really getting hung up on breeds more than you should. It’s coming across as controlling and kinda weird.

I don’t really think either of you is ready for a dog.

The girl probably needs to get more dog experience period. They aren’t just big and fluff they are animals that have wants and needs. And any puppy will still be high energy and need lots of playtime and training.

Most dogs don’t chill out till 3-5 years so regardless if it’s a herding dog or a poodle they are going to need exercise and stimulation every day. And socializing.

The sad thing about herding dogs is they are NOT the first-time dog for people. That is why they get a bad wrap. Also, people do not understand how to train them. They are very smart and very loyal to their people.

You socialize and train from day one and stay consistent then they are the best dogs in the world. The average casual dog owner is often not prepared to put a heeler on their side and hold them down when they aren’t behaving.” Unusual_North

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Ultimately, temperament is more important than appearance. Getting a high-energy dog when you aren’t a high-energy person only ends with everyone being miserable.

Look, I think vislas are gorgeous dogs, but my preferred workout is yoga and not running, I live in a small apartment, and where I live outside is unpleasantly cold and wet for half the year. So, as much as I adore vislas I have a super sweet speed bump of an American bulldog. She enjoys watching me do yoga and we both prefer warm cuddles over wet hikes in the winter. I’m absolutely certain that if I ever actually got a visla I’d eventually grow to hate the breed. Fortunately, my neighbors have one I can fawn over and they get to do the work of tiring him out.” joanclaytonesq

3 points (5 votes)
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ang 4 months ago
Perhaps you and your wife might try fostering dogs from the local animal shelter as Animallover suggests. An older dog, already housebroken, might work better than a puppy. Fostering could give you a chance to know the individual dog rather than the breed..
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10. AITJ For Calling Out My Coworker Who's Getting Special Treatment?

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“In 2020 my management said I needed to get my bachelor’s to keep my position. I was a temp doing a large project & had my associates. The scope of the project grew & I was hired.

My coworker Amy had her child in the summer of 2020. My project had just ended, so I took up her duties. She did not teach me much for the sake of job security.

She also lied to management about the time frame for tasks to seem more productive.

When the time came for us to return to the office Amy refused. She said she would only be working PT from home. They couldn’t fire her bc she didn’t train me fully.

Amy specifically did not look for childcare. Her husband was on leave through the military (special forces), so he was being paid well & could watch their child.

This isn’t fair as other coworkers who also have children (even under a year old) had to put their kids in childcare.

I sat down with management & told them I would be returning to college. They made it very clear I needed to get it asap because the state required this degree. Management agreed I needed to attend school FT but refused to flex my schedule.

I had class Tues & Thurs all day w assignments given Tues & due Thurs. My office works half Fri, so I asked if I could work half Weds & full Fri but was denied. This circles back to me picking up the slack for Amy even tho she was back at work.

Amy will not work more than 3 hours daily. No matter how I begged her to work just an hour or two more she refused, told me I should ‘mind my infertile business.’

I was approved an hour off one Fri (college).

Apparently, management forgot about this & got mad. My supervisor texted me to put in my resignation & harassed me to resign so they didn’t have to pay unemployment.

I said I went to school like they wanted & they should be more critical of Amy for lack of hours & productivity. I made sure they checked my timecard to see I worked more hours than Amy.

I also told them to worry about Amy doing her job rather than shoving it on me.

They tried to make excuses that she had a baby. I let them know that we had people going through more & they were still required to show up to work w/o exception. Childcare came up but I reminded them Amy purposely did not look for childcare or allow her husband to watch the child.

I left w/o resigning (I still wanted to work) & I had a termination email sent to me before I could get to my car.

Later Amy called me & got mad. I reminded her that she threw me & the staff under the bus bc she was too busy taking advantage of the situation w/o caring who it hurt. She was aware of the double standard and was proud of it.

In the end, I repeated what I had told management. I ended the call & blocked her, called it a day.

It was entirely the fault of management for letting things get so bad, but that doesn’t mean Amy was not a primary factor in my issues.

AITJ for calling her out for getting special treatment from management?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

Special treatment in the work environment is stupid. It pits employees against each other and makes for a very unhappy and undesirable work environment.

Employers and managers and whoever else that is in power do terrible things and don’t treat their employees like humans but then never understand why their employees are unhappy, don’t work as efficiently as they can, and probably won’t stay around in that position for long anyway.

If your company wants you to do someone else’s work then they need to pay you more because it is extra work not stated in your contract.

If they’re going to give special treatment to people then they must suffer the consequences of their actions, not their employees who had no say in the decision.

Good on you for calling them out on it. If more people do the same then the company will have to do something about it. There strength in numbers.” Ok-Connection-2257

Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, it sounds like you hated Amy from the get-go.

You have no idea what she had worked out with the company beyond what you were aware of because that’s none of your business.

In the future only worry about what is being asked of you, rather than trying to justify your work ethic and availability based on another employee that was senior to you.” Lorraine221

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Management in your company sucks and is completely at fault, and you confronting them about it is completely fair.

Nothing wrong with you sticking up for yourself when Amy called you.

But you can’t really blame Amy for taking advantage of the situation, most of the people would. If you can get away with it and your bosses let you then why not just take it.” Valerain_Alice

Another User Comments:
“NTJ in every way if this story is fully true.

However to the company and outsiders, it’s easy to look like you’re the jerk.

you should have not silently gone through all this, only to open your mouth when things went wrong. how would people believe you then? Because a lot of women in Amy’s position actually do face a lot of problems, it’s easy for Amy to get sympathy.

The times you had to do more work, the ‘timings’ changed by amy to look more productive, you should have made management aware of it before this happened.

Your situation is sad because it seems like it rubbed off the wrong way on the managers, so even showing timecards, etc didn’t help. and I think amy communicated better with them.

It’s simple when amy wasn’t doing her work, you could have just said ‘I’m having a lot of trouble rn, if you could once talk to Amy it would be great, I know she’s going through a lot but I think it could be better if she put a few hours in if she could. I let her know but she told me to stay out of ‘fertile matters’ so I think it could be better if you said it… I will definitely try my best to finish this work’ and then bam when you do the work they could see that you DO the work.” Dry_Custard_7611

3 points (3 votes)
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jasn 4 months ago
It doesn't matter what Amy had worked out with the company...she wasn't doing her job. Hope OP found a better job
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9. AITJ For Not Wanting My Roommate To Use My Dishes To Feed Her Cat?

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“I bought some tiny (cheap) plastic dishes from a store known for having its employees wear red shirts for ice cream so I can limit myself to portion sizes. My roommate has started using one to feed her cat wet food when its current dishes are dirty and she doesn’t have time to wash them. I personally don’t want to share a dish with a cat, I’m a bit of a germaphobe when it comes to cats, plus I’m allergic.

I told her I’d rather not have her use them for her cat as I find it a bit gross even though I know she’ll wash them. She says it’s no big deal and they get cleaned so why does it matter? I can’t explain why it bothers me so much, but it does.

I’m thinking about just letting her keep that bowl and say not to mix it with the others because it was cheap and isn’t worth the argument.

But, am I a jerk for asking her to not use my bowls to feed her cat? Am I overreacting?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

It’s normal to not want to eat off of the same plate as an animal. Yes even though it gets clean, this is why people buy cat/dog food bowls for their animals. It’s like inviting a whole bunch of people over for dinner and letting them use the plates you let your animals lick off of.

It’s off-putting. I would politely ask your roommate to buy a new bowl for you (since she used yours without asking) and repeat that you do not want her using your dishes to feed her cat. Tell her it’s not hard to wash out her cat’s bowls and if she continues to do it, you will keep all of your clean bowls in your room instead.” Fro0tl0ops

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

Would your roomie eat off a toilet seat if you ran it through the dishwasher? Cats lick their entire bodies before and after using the litter box. I imagine it would be impossible to use it and bury their waste without getting some on their feet. Then they walk everywhere. I like cats but could never live with one due to allergies. My eyes swell shut and I have trouble breathing.

I love the idea to write CAT on the bowl with a sharpie and let them have it and maybe a couple of others in the same color if you’re feeling generous. Keep the rest in your room in a closet or drawer etc.

I hope she hasn’t been using random bowls of yours for the cat, while you weren’t around, and just giving them a slight rinse instead of with hot water and soap.

I’d be tempted to gift her a stack of cheap bowls for that purpose if you exchange presents for special occasions.” Confident-Broccoli42

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

It doesn’t matter the reason, they’re your bowls and unless you have another agreement with your roommate, using them would need your permission, which you are not obliged to give.

I occasionally give my cats food from a plate (i.e. one who had dental surgery and finds more space easier to re-learn how to eat), so I don’t have a hygienic issue with it, I also use forks I eat with to prepare their food.

Obviously, everything gets washed in between. Other than that, they have their designated bowls, and honestly, I’d tell your roommate to simply buy more.

Although, I wash the bowls usually once or twice a day, because wet food, even in a Surefeed, isn’t very nice after 10, 11 hours.

Furthermore, plastic (and metal to an extent) is not a good material for food and water bowls for cats.

They can get feline acne which often irritates their skin. Ceramic is to be preferred.” Little_Endure

Another User Comments:
“I’m gonna say NTJ because underneath it all, they are YOUR dishes and the roommate should have at least had the courtesy to ask. Though if these are all stored in a common area mixed in with dishes that you both use, it is reasonable to expect that they can be used.

That said, it is a bit petty. They are cleaned before you eat from them, it’s not like you’re pulling dishes out of the cabinet and eating car=t germs, just as it’s implausible that you are eating germs from everyone at that store who touched them before you bought them.” TheDreadPirateJeff

3 points (3 votes)
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Mordromeda 2 months ago
Me and my dog share a fork.
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8. AITJ For Telling My Partner To Leave Me Alone Before I've Had My Coffee?

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“My significant other woke me up today and immediately was in a very quirky, hyper mood – he made a lot of jokes and was acting very silly, which I normally find endearing – but not after 4 hours of sleep.

I told him multiple times to please stop and leave me alone until I’ve had my first coffee. He didn’t stop, laughed at me for being in a bad mood, and kept hugging me/joking around, so I ended up being a little more firm and repeated that I want to be left alone.

He’s a morning person, I’m not.

He’s now mad at me for telling him to leave me alone. He just went to work and texted me ‘thanks for the great morning’. /s

I feel bad for ruining his good mood, but am I really the jerk for setting a boundary and telling him I need time to wake up before I can joke around with him? People who talk a lot or are very quirky just stress me out when I’m in a bad mood.

It feels irritating and overstimulating.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

I am the morning person – as soon as my eyes open I am ready to go! My husband needs to wake slowly, and gradually. For example, if I need to be out the door at 9 am, I can wake at 0830, shower, and be off. If my other half has to be out the door for 9 am, he has to start waking up around 7, and that’s only if he already showered the night before.

You asked your partner nicely and he ignored you. And I read this as it isn’t really about having coffee it’s more about needing the time to come to full consciousness. Coffee is usually just used as a benchmark, it seems.

Once you’re both fully awake and he is out of his snit, try sitting down and having a calm talk about how you wake up differently.

My husband did that for me and it opened my eyes to the fact that it isn’t that he’s grumpy in the mornings, he just isn’t all the way awake.” Andante79

Another User Comments:
“I’m a mom of two young kids and there was a full year of my life where I never got more than 3h of broken sleep at night. My son woke up almost every hour and I was the only one waking up with him.

To compensate I sent my oldest to daycare for the morning and would nap with my youngest while I didn’t have to keep up with a busy toddler (about 2h). Sometimes that nap would be longer than the total number of hours of sleep I got the night before. If anyone called/woke me up during that nap time I considered it fair game to be as awful as I felt (unless it was my son, there’s no point in being awful to a baby).

Constant sleep deprivation can cause a host of problems like depression and unless you really know the person, you really don’t know what’s going on in their lives. Leave them alone and let them have their coffee. To you it’s just a coffee, to them it might be the only thing they can mentally bring themselves to handle.

The guy could clearly see op wasn’t in the mood but he decided that what he wanted was more important.

Asking someone who is irritating to stop is completely fair. When that irritating person decides to ignore someone when they’re polite, I genuinely feel the next step is saying get out. The guy was the jerk, full stop.” sandstorm320

Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I am the same way in the morning. Every person in my life knows that I am not ready to be a human/adult without my coffee.

And it’s not about the caffeine, I just like having a few minutes to collect my thoughts and get ready to face the day. Plus I LOVE coffee-flavored treats too!

All of my loved ones will ask if I’ve had my coffee before they even try to start a conversation. My wonderful husband won’t even try to wake me up without having a cup of coffee ready for me.

If your man can’t respect this caveat, then he won’t respect other boundaries either.

And I most certainly would not even consider ‘going to work’ without coffee, considering I’m a truck driver and grouchy is not a good thing! LOL.” CS163973

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

This could go both ways – I usually put the onus on the cranky person to communicate, it’s ok to be cranky, everyone is allowed, but that doesn’t excuse you from being a jerk to people who have nothing to do with the bad mood

There needs to be a clear firm warning ‘I’m sorry (Spouse name / Petname) but I’m in a really bad mood, it’s not you but I really need a little space right now so I don’t grump at you – could you please give me a little space to chill?’ and this should be enough for them to get the hint.

In this case, it seems from your description you gave some of those warnings, so NTJ, but it sounds to me like he didn’t understand the warnings. Either that or he ignored them. a casual conversation could probably help here – determine where the issue was, he didn’t understand the warnings, or ignored them, if he ignored them then he’s the jerk – some people are like this, they think ‘oh what your reason for being cranky’ and they go out of their way to poke and prod – if he just didn’t understand that you meant you needed him to leave you alone- may be changing the way you communicate, or helping him understand the way you communicate, may help avoid these issues.” scout61699

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

I understand, I also need some quiet time in the morning. It’s not just about the coffee, it’s about feeling overwhelmed and overstimulated while you are trying to clear out the cobwebs. Especially on four hours of sleep. You tried to tell him nicely, he didn’t respect your request. (And honestly, being ‘laughed at’ for being in a bad mood really, really doesn’t help. If someone mentions that they are in a bad mood, that’s a warning to back off and let them sort themselves out, not ramp up the obnoxious behavior.)” Thesafflower

3 points (3 votes)
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Lori 3 months ago
I'm guessing he already knew you aren't a morning person plus you asked him to stop. A little immature on his part.
As for NeNe, I think she misconstrued your last statement herself and also missed the part about you only having had 4 hours of sleep.
The key to a good relationship isn't JUST compromise, it's getting to know each other really well and acting accordingly.
No egg shells required
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7. WIBTJ For Telling My Sister-In-Law Not To Buy My Daughter A 3rd Birthday Present?

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“My daughter turned 1 a few weeks ago. My SIL, Ludovica, dotes on her niece (the only baby in our immediate family). She bought her two lovely presents on the day and showers her with ‘just because’ gifts whenever she comes round. It’s generous and lovely and my daughter loves spending time with her.

Now, my partner and I had been chatting about buying her a new high chair in a particular design we like.

I’d been browsing the marketplace to see if any used ones in the design we wanted were available locally and we were chatting to Ludovica about our search and showing her what a cool concept it was.

A couple of days later I hear from my partner that Ludovica would like to buy my daughter a brand new one for her birthday. I wasn’t happy to hear this and told him no.

I’d rather she saved her dollars. We could afford to buy her a new one ourselves but I am trying to minimize the amount of new stuff we buy, hence looking for a used one. And also as she grows up I don’t want my daughter to feel entitled to new everything or come to expect that. I feel a bit disempowered as her mother in this situation.

But my partner thinks I’m being ridiculous to turn down a kind offer of something we both want for our daughter when I haven’t made much effort to secure one yet. WIBTJ if I make this into an issue by telling Ludovica not to buy it?”

Another User Comments:
“Yep. You would be the jerk.

Let her be excessive & generous, it’s her finances to do as she pleases.

(if she’s not in financial hardship)

Your daughter is 1. She’s not going to know it was used or new. And unless you are very strict into upcycling/recycling, brand new shinies from auntie won’t hurt.

Just enjoy that someone wants to help with financial purchasing. Take any amount you would spend on your daughter that your SIL spends instead… and put it in an account for her for future education or future financing (like tada, here’s some for your wedding or college or the down payment on a house!)” AbbyBirb

Another User Comments:
“I’m an auntie, also- the late 30s with no children of my own.

It is incredibly difficult to not buy up any and everything I see that could even possibly bring children even a moment of joy hahaha. That being said, it is important to have balance and not lose one’s head. As your daughter grows, she will need to learn to not immediately associate her aunt with gifts and presents and such, but if your SIL and you are both in sound financial shape, I wouldn’t stress about this one incident.

If it were me, I would want my sister to approach me at a time when I’m not in the middle of giving a presentation and when the child isn’t around. I would want it to be broached as a ‘we’ topic, not a ‘you’ topic. I mean, not being told ‘you buy her a lot of stuff,’ or ‘she doesn’t need all these things,’ or even ‘it’s our responsibility to provide such and such.’

All of these kinds of phrases could tie into some intense emotions.

Rather, I would want to hear something like, ‘We really want to encourage Daughter to appreciate experiences, and not get too attached to things’ – emphasize that the best gift your SIL can give is her time, attention, and support.” hibbletyjibblety

Another User Comments:
“Very gentle YTJ. Your SIL is very excited about a new baby in the family. That’s natural and she wants to give your daughter gifts.

The high chair is a very practical, non-excessive gift, and while I get that you’d prefer to get a used one, why not let SIL buy one you can commit to caring for it well and selling or giving it away when your daughter outgrows it, thereby reducing overall waste.

You really do not have to be concerned with how SIL spends or saves her money, those are her choices and you’re overreaching.

It also sounds like you’re worried about your daughter being spoiled, but she’s only 1 and you don’t need to catastrophize about how this gift trend will turn her into a spoiled and entitled child. As your child gets older and can understand more, you can teach her generosity and thankfulness by implementing one-in-one-out rules (every time she gets a new toy or book, she picks an older toy/book that she’s outgrown to donate).

You can also guide family members toward gifts that you think are more positive, like books, or memberships to museums, etc.

You’re not being disempowered because the family wants to get nice things for your child. You don’t need to worry about your 1-year-old being spoiled. Don’t go out of your way to borrow trouble with your SIL. Be gracious and know that you’ll be your daughter’s guide as she learns your family’s values and ethics.

She’s not destined to be spoiled and entitled because of some extra gifts.” ghostforest

Another User Comments:
“I faced something similar to this w/ my MIL. She lives close, and would constantly pop in w/ little gifts for the boys she found while out running errands. (Like 3-4 times a week)

What worked for me was having a heart-to-heart with her about how the kids don’t ALWAYS need gifts.

And if she continued to constantly show up w/ gifts, they wouldn’t be as excited to see her, so much as excited to see what she brought them.

She was a little crestfallen at first, since she loves giving gifts, but agreed to dial it back. Now the boys are always happy to see her for her and even more excited when she randomly brings them a toy.

Thus my humble suggestion to you would be to have a drink w/ your SIL and explain how you appreciate everything she is doing, but feel uncomfortable accepting so many (or so expensive) gifts.

My bet is on your SIL doing it because she wants to help, and giving you something you need makes her feel good. You could also suggest alternatives to gifts, like taking your daughter on a play date for a few hours.

Either way, if it bugs you, say something. And so long as you explain yourself rationally, no one will get upset.” Nearfall21

Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I think communication is key here. Tell your SIL that you and your husband have the high chair covered (you do, just get a new one. Depending on the high chair you want you may find people that have purchased that specific one want to keep it for future children so used ones may be hard to find).

Tell her that as lovely as it is for her to buy various gifts maybe she could instead buy baby books instead. Things that will be used now and in the future are not just one-off things that won’t survive lots of wear and tear. Wooden toys are great, books, things of that nature.

I completely understand how special it can be to make even the smallest mundane purchases for your first child.

It’s ok to communicate this to family and friends and to kindly set out gift guidelines. As an example, my little one gets everything she needs from me and SO so the gifts guideline for birthday/Christmas are books or wooden toys that won’t get damaged easily and have a longer life. And practical things like clothes because you can never have enough with kids!” PressedPinkFlowers

2 points (4 votes)
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NeNe 3 months ago
I couldnt hv kids of my own so ive been a doting auntie for 34 years.. and am now a great-auntie to THEIR kids. Believe it or not.. my nieces & nephews are not greedy or spoiled & often decline offers of gifts, treats, fast food etc.. likely bcuz they know they can hv it pretty much when they want so are not desperate for rare treats. Sounds backwards but its true. Your kid is 1 & wont even remember this. If it makes her happy to buy the high chair why do u care? Youre creating a problem where one doesnt exist. This will only be important when your kid is older & needs to understand the value of earning things. Ive also been making my nieces & nephew EARN many of their requested extras since they were like 5. Granted, i overpay them but they still understand most things arent free. Im still shocked at the heat i got aftr posting a pic of my young nephew happily doing my dishes to earn an action figure he wanted lol
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6. AITJ For Writing Up An Employee For Using The Wrong Bathroom In An Emergency?

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“I(M31) work as a manager to a small lab that does some material testing, my team consists of 4 people: Amy, Sarah, John, and Mike all of them are between 25-30 years old. I don’t have much experience in management and was chosen because of my technical and budgeting abilities so I was thrilled that my team was a small one. I’ve been working in this company for the last 8 years but only 3 as a manager.

Since I’ve had the same crew for 3 years we’ve become close and in general, we had a very chill environment up until last May when the bathroom problems began.

Our lab only had 2 non-gendered bathrooms to share between us 5, still, eventually, the bathrooms became unofficially gendered meaning there were no labels on them but one was only used by the female members and the other by males.

Back in May John really needed to go but the “men’s bathroom” was occupied so he used the “woman’s bathroom” I noticed but didn’t think much of it since it really seems an emergency and in reality anyone could use them, however, Amy and Sarah got angry and asked for the bathroom to become officially separated, we talked as a team and agreed to do so, John apologized and we moved on, a few weeks later John used the bathroom again, the woman took notice and issued a complaint, John’s defense was that he had been having stomach problems and was recently discovering he could no longer tolerate certain food and the male’s bathroom was busy so he had no choice.

Amy and Sarah were not taking it and demanded I write him up, I tried to convince them that maybe a warning was enough since it was the first incident since the bathroom policy changed, they were not happy and sent an email to corporate who then proceeded to scold me and asked me to take this kind of stuff seriously so I had to write John up.

This completely changed the work environment as if an invisible wall had been lifted between men and women and between employees and management (me), when I told my wife she told me to not become like Michael from the office and to not forget that at the end of the day this is a workplace.

A few weeks passed and for some reason now the situation was reversed, and Amy had to use the bathroom but since it was occupied she had to use the men’s room and it was a déjà vu with roles inverted, I talked with the guys saying it was a first offense so we could do with just a warning but no, they wanted revenge and I didn’t want to be scolded again so I wrote Amy up and now work environment sucks.

After 3 years of great site performance and work environment, a bathroom incident brought us down.

A few friends told me since I’m the manager I should have done better and found a better solution than to write Amy up and therefore I’m the jerk. I admit I’m a novice manager so it might be the case so, am I the jerk?”

Another User Comments:
“YTJ.

You didn’t handle the situation properly from the get-go.

2 single person bathrooms for 5 people being expressly gendered is a recipe for stuff like this. You should have recognized this, and simply told your crew that they need to stop being infantile about the whole situation. It is important to let the voices of those under you be heard, but at the end of the day, it is YOU that has to make the best decision after weighing the facts, risks, and benefits.

At this point, you either need to stick to the trashy bed you’ve had or make the unilateral choice to revert the bathrooms to unisex and communicate that you expect everyone to be an adult about it. Or, going forward, you will have to issue write-ups for every misstep here and everyone needs to deal with that. Good luck OP.

Leadership and management are tricky and require a fine line of being decisive and letting your employees know that you care and that their concerns are being taken into consideration.

When you make your unilateral announcement make sure you articulate the reasons why you’re doing what you’re doing. Something along the lines of:

‘The bathrooms have been a particular point of conflict recently, one which is having detrimental career impacts on multiple people. I realize that the idea of separately gendered bathrooms is appealing, but it is simply not feasible given the limitations of availability and the number of people that need them to keep going as we have.

The added detriment on people’s careers makes this switch all the more necessary. I expect all of you to be mature about this, cleanly maintain the bathrooms, and be polite and respectful with your coworkers’.

At the end of the day, you aren’t there to be their friend but to facilitate the job getting done. When able, definitely work with them, listen, and make them feel valued and listened to.

But don’t compromise or divest your leadership responsibilities unless absolutely needed, otherwise, you end up with weird situations like this.” AlmightyLeprechaun

Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but you need to work on your management skills. When Amy and Sarah demanded you write John up, you were right to push back and say a warning would suffice. Amy and Sarah have no authority to tell you how to do your job! At that point, you should have told them that it’s NOT up for discussion and that non-gendered was reverted immediately.

That conversation would’ve been followed up with an email to the team clearly stating that the bathrooms are non-gendered, end of discussion.

Amy and Sarah going to corporate obviously threw a wrench in things; however, if you had done the above, you could’ve told corporate ‘I have handled it, I reverted the unofficial policy and communicated to everyone that lab bathrooms are non-gendered so this should no longer be an issue.’

Ideally if corporate has any sense, that should have ended it.

No writing up for John or Amy, and keeps the bathrooms free for everyone.

Employees thrive best when they know where the line is. Setting clear expectations across the board is key, and writing up is for when they break rules or in this case, try to impose bathrooms rules after those clear expectations have been laid out. Unofficial department agreements do not count here.” shathereal

Another User Comments:
“Treating the women the same way you treat the men is a requirement, both morally and legally, and not really a question of a-hole or not.

If you wrote up person A for ‘infraction’ X then you need to write up person B for ‘infraction’ X too. It’s either the plan or it isn’t.

So you’re N-T-J for writing up person B. BUT – still – YTJ. The problem isn’t writing up person B, the problem was actually writing up person A. You can’t let the ‘plan’ be if one bathroom is taken, the person gets to wait or dumps themselves.

You should’ve had the discussion with everyone that the team should be flexible enough to make incredibly reasonable accommodations to each other.” ElJamoquio

Another User Comments:
“I’ll caveat this with the fact that I’m US based and am not sure where you are – if, outside the US, there may be different norms or cultural differences.

I don’t know what – if any – managerial training you’ve had but you’re losing your team.

It never should have gotten to this point. If there are only two restrooms and one is in use, it doesn’t matter if they’ve been segregated – an emergency overrides that. That should have been explained to all employees when they were officially segregated. What did the women expect him to do – have an accident in his pants? Someone with a digestive issue will not have the ability to hold it until the other one frees up.

When they complained to corporate, you should have explained to them the situation and that it was an emergency.

As I said, you’re losing your team. If it were me I’d have a meeting with your team and – calmly but firmly – address this. Explain that while the restrooms are designated male/female, in the event of an emergency and the designated restroom is in use, they can use the other restroom.

Firmly specify that if this is the case, the person who uses the ‘wrong’ restroom MUST make sure any and all mess (if any) is cleaned, leaving the restroom in pristine condition. I would get some cans of air freshener to put in each to mask any odor from an incident.

It’s not too late to fix the damage with your team but you’re going to have to work at it and you’re likely going to have to be more firm than you have in the past. Remember, your first priority is the manager/employee relationship, not a friendly one.” g-rocklobster

1 points (3 votes)
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lasm1 3 months ago (Edited)
NTJ. She insisted you write up the coworker, but then gets butthurt when she gets written up for doing the same thing? Haha, she deserved it. Maybe next time she will MHOFB
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5. AITJ For Saying My Sister Is Fake Depressed?

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“I (F18) suffer from anxiety, depression, and BPD all diagnosed. My sister (F19) had lost her job due to the health crisis and had developed depression due to that. She would always go on about how she couldn’t do certain things because of it (such as helping around the house) which forced me to do them instead. My sister has never had a formal diagnosis of this.

I had developed a closer relationship with a family member who also, diagnosed, suffers from depression. When we were around said family member my sister always played the depression card to try and get closer to her which annoyed me but I let it go because this isn’t a big issue, she’s trying to relate anyway she can.

More recently due to restrictions easing, we are able to visit more people.

During one of these visits, my sister and her friend were constantly bad-mouthing mentally ill people and making fun of them having to take medication for them to be stable. This made me more than upset as I am someone who needs medication in order to regulate my emotions. I asked about her depression during losing her job, to which she quickly shut me down saying I was lying and that she wasn’t depressed she just was bored around the house.

I was irritated, to say the least, but stormed off before anything else happened.

A couple of days ago my family member (one mentioned above) came over to our house to hang out for a bit. My sister once again began complaining about how bad her mental health became and how she was constantly depressed. I finally had enough and went off at her in front of the family member and said how she was fake depressed and how she made people with mental illness look bad.

She ran out of the room crying, and without knowing any context as to why I blew up, my family member called me a jerk and is refusing to talk to me or find out my side of the story. So I need to know, AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.

You – Stop gatekeeping. Even if she’s undiagnosed, situation depression is STILL depression, and a LOT of folks have had it in the past year+.

You don’t get to gatekeep what depression ‘looks like’.

Her (and her friend) – Have you thought about the fact that maybe her friend doesn’t know she’s suffering and was just going along with her friend and her badmouthing? It doesn’t make it right – but there’s a huge stigma attached to having mental health issues, as I’m sure you’re aware. Regardless, she also sucks in this situation for not thinking about her words.

Side note – I’ve been living with depression and anxiety for over 40 years. Let me give you a little bit of advice I learned in therapy. Stop letting other people and their problems, legit or not, live rent-free in your head. You can’t control what others say/do/think, you can only control yourself. Let your sister do what she wants but stop letting it bother you.” PrincessBuzzkill

Another User Comments:
“Eh, I would go YTJ here.

I understand you have been diagnosed and been treated with depression whereas she hasn’t, and while you may have valid points on whether her condition is legit or not, I think you have to understand that while she may act like she’s faking it to you that doesn’t mean that you know the full story of what is going on in her head. Plus she could have other mental illnesses going on besides depression.

On top of that, you had no right to go off on her in front of everyone like that over something that you felt like she’s doing when you don’t know 100% if she’s actually faking it or not. I think you need to apologize to her and actually talk to her about how her mental is and show a little more compassion to her.

Also, side note, I’m sure before you were diagnosed with depression there were people around you that felt like you were also faking it too.

Put yourself in her shoes for a second and think about it” dylanstephens20

Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. I have diagnosed anxiety and depression and I understand your frustration. There are definitely people who are fake depressed. I had to deal with one of those people when I was younger. She kept saying she was depressed because her significant other broke up with her and having had depression, I knew she wasn’t.

It was increasingly frustrating because her claims made people assume I was also fake depressed and because of it, many people didn’t take me seriously. She even admitted to it recently now that she’s spent more time around actually depressed people.

However, while this can be the case sometimes, you can’t really know what goes on in a person’s mind. People can hide their mental illness incredibly well.

Also, making fun of people with depression while being depressed can be a coping mechanism. I know I did. I still refer to my anxiety medication as my crazy pills (it’s an inside joke in my family because we all take the same medication). It is incredibly hard to admit that you truly have a mental health issue. I was able to recognize and accept it from a very early age but it took my partner 3-to 4 years to truly admit that he had an anxiety disorder.

I think you need to have a very open and honest discussion with your sister. You have to explain how you feel and accept what she has to say, even if you don’t agree with it necessarily. If she does have mental health issues, encourage her to talk to a doctor.” -CluelessWoman-

Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Look, I see why you would be annoyed at her behavior and whatnot lately, but what you did what blatantly jerkish.

I’m a therapist, and I can solidly say that many MANY of my clients don’t feel comfortable sharing their involvement in mental health treatment at all because of the stigma and fear of being judged. Furthermore, many waited years to finally come in because of this stigma. Lastly, a good bit of my clients doesn’t necessarily want to try medications because either they don’t understand how they would work, fear it would make them worse, or just want to see about resolving without it.

Everyone’s mental illness looks different. Not everyone feels comfortable taking steps yet towards addressing it with a professional. Maybe her depression primarily impacts her physical energy so completing tasks is very hard or causes her to sleep too much. Maybe she has a good ‘mask’ she can put on around others.

But as a human being and a therapist, I find it pretty cruel for you to decide to label it as “fake” and actually sabotage what could have been a relationship she could use for support with a family member who understands and could have perhaps encouraged her towards professional help.” TherapistOfPentacles

-1 points (3 votes)
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lasm1 3 months ago
NTJ.
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4. AITJ For Wanting To Include Our Dogs In My Mother-In-Law's Birthday Collage?

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“My MIL’s 60th birthday is this coming weekend. My husband’s family has been planning a ‘surprise party’ for it (she knows it’s happening, just is unaware of any of the details.) The family decided that we are all going to work together on one big gift to give her together along with all the individual gifts. They decided they want to do a giant collage of pictures of her with her kids and grandkids.

Essentially we have photos of her individually with all the grandkids and ones with each of her children when they were kids and they’re gonna photoshop them all into a giant collage.

Here’s the thing, I and my husband don’t have any kids. It was a decision we made before we got married and it has made us the black sheep of his family. When I learned what they wanted to do for her gift, I felt sorta excluded in a way.

All me and my husband will contribute to her gift is a single photo of my husband as a kid with MIL and that’s it. Well, as I was thinking this over I had what I thought was a really cute Idea. We have 3 dogs that we adore. We love them and honestly, they are our children. MIL has always loved them as well and I searched and found some adorable pictures of MIL with each of them when they were puppies.

So I sent the photos to my SIL and said that we wanted to include them as our grandchild contribution.

This was the wrong choice, apparently. SIL immediately told me they will not under any circumstance put pictures of our dogs in with the grandkids. That takes away from the point of the kid’s and grandkids’ gift and that it’s weird for me to pitch this idea to her.

I called this what it was, they’re excluding us again because we don’t have children. Well, everything went down from there.

All of my BIL’s and SIL’s are not talking to me. My husband has told me that I overstepped, and FIL called me and told me while he enjoys the effort it’s just not the right moment. FIL said that I could give them to MIL with our personal gift and she would probably enjoy it, but I feel like this is just him trying to calm everything down while continuing to exclude us for not having kids.

I feel like my simple suggestion has just given them an excuse to continue to exclude me and my husband for not having kids. So I sent out a text telling everyone how I feel and that I don’t appreciate the treatment. My husband called me and told me to stop making this about myself and that I am being a jerk for no reason. I disagree, but I could be wrong.”

Another User Comments:
“YTJ.

I suppose you’re allowed to feel how you feel because feelings aren’t often logical, but really being butthurt because you don’t have more pictures to contribute because you CHOSE not to have kids is your problem. If it was fertility issues and not a choice I might give you more leeway, but you made a life choice and that life choice comes with minor consequences such as this.

Next, while your dog idea might have been cute, you should have discussed it with your husband before presenting it to your SIL and you absolutely should not present it as ‘these are our children’. Pets aren’t kids (and I say this as a cat mom to three I actually bottle raised from birth. I’m the only mom they’ve ever known, but they aren’t children. They are cats).

Trying to make them the same never ends well.

And while this one doesn’t necessarily make you an ah, why do you only have one picture of your husband as a kid with his mom? Why no pictures of him as an adult with his mom, or you as a couple with his mom? This again seems like maybe choices were made to avoid pictures and now you’re emptyhanded and feeling butthurt about it.

Also, you need to learn when to surrender. You lost the battle. It’s time to let it go.” amej117

Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You’re so worried about if you’re ‘excluded’ you’re not thinking about if it’s an insult or simply a matter of fact. They are doing pictures of the grandkids. Fine. It’s a very specific gift that is not weird or so out there anyone could reasonably assume it’s directed at them.

Grandparents get grandparents-themed gifts. No biggie.

You don’t have kids. This is totally fine. You don’t have any kid’s pictures to contribute to this. That’s fine. It doesn’t make you less. A twinge of sadness is fine. Asking if grand dogs are a thing, ok. A text blast that you are being disrespected because you aren’t allowed to submit pictures that don’t include a grandchild for a grandchild-themed gift isn’t ok.

You chose to be childfree and hopefully are still happy with that choice. That means simply put you won’t be part of certain things. There’s nothing wrong with this. If all the moms in the family are discussing stories of pooping during delivery, you won’t have anything to contribute there. If all the dads get a ‘world’s greatest dad’ mug at a Father’s Day cookout, your husband won’t.

No one is ‘leaving you out’. Certain occasions, conversations, experiences, etc. won’t apply to you. There is nothing wrong with that. But you can’t ask everyone else to not have these events, gifts, experiences, etc. simply because they aren’t applicable to you personally.” angel2hi

Another User Comments:
“You are projecting your own fear on something that has nothing to do with you. I guess over the years you might have become sensitive on topics related to families with children but this literally is not them excluding you.

It’s them collecting pictures of MIL’s grandchildren and you just don’t have any, that is literally all. You are completely misreading the whole situation and want to make this about yourself and want to potentially prove something? I think you should step back and think about why this is bugging you so much, the issue lies with you here. I also don’t want kids and I get how society can be sometimes around that topic (not very understanding or judgemental) but I would have never gotten offended for something like this.

Grandchildren are something completely different than the dogs you love and care for. You are trying to insert yourself in a conversation that is not yours to have.

YTJ if that wasn’t clear.” O333O

Another User Comments:
“YTJ. We have a dog. We have children. Our dog is not our child. We love him to death, he’s a member of the family but if we had to choose between our children and our dog (for example, if the house was on fire), I’d be devastated but the kids are getting saved first, always.

Same with this. Your dogs are not her grandchildren. This would be a whole other conversation if they were excluding your adopted children or your husband’s stepchildren. They’re not. They’re saying sorry, canines are not grandchildren. They’re dogs. Very sweet, very much loved dogs, but dogs all the same. You don’t get to claim you’re being singled out for not having children in relation to pictures of grandchildren because you chose not to produce any grandchildren.

If you want babies in the photo album, you make a baby (a pretty silly reason to have a baby but that’s literally the only way it’s happening). But you don’t get to prevent them from making an album, or make them feel bad for doing so, because your own decision means you don’t have a contribution to it.” mazzy31

-1 points (3 votes)
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Mistweave 3 months ago
SIL needs to grow tf up honestly. If your MIL loves the dogs, they should be included. I'm a nurse in geriatrics and the only ashes I've seen in years are one of my patient's dogs. Old people freakin LOVE animals. I bring the kitten rats I get every time I get a chance. They eat it up. If she loves the dogs, include what she loves and stop being a selfish twit.
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3. AITJ For Giving My Kid His Sister's Toys After She Refused To Share?

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“I have two kids – Alexia (16F) and Ashton (9M). Alexia has always collected Webkinz from the time she was very young. She has easily over 200 of them. If you don’t know there’s a website/game tied to the animals as well so you have a digital copy of every animal you get. Despite her older age Alexia is still using the digital site to ‘play’ with the toys.

I think Alexia should focus on activities more geared toward a teenager but I’m not going to stop her from playing with the Webkinz. I do however think that she should share her toys with her brother when he wants to play with them. Alexia however completely refuses to share her Webkinz with Ashton and has told me I can buy him his own.

It all came to a head today when Ashton was wanting to play with a dragon of Alexia’s and she said no and literally ripped it out of his hand.

He came to me crying and I just decided enough is enough, I am tired of this rivalry between them. Since Alexia is just not going to budge in her rudeness, I told Ashton he could have the dragon.

To say Alexia was annoyed is an understatement. She told me I have to give her the dragon back because she paid for it (she’s been funding her whole toy addiction for a while now).

I acknowledge that she paid for it but she’s living in my house and it isn’t fair to her brother to have hundreds of toys in plain sight he can’t play with. I didn’t say she had to give them to him, only that she has to share. This is apparently still unreasonable.

My husband firmly sides with me, adding that if she wants a toy dragon, she can buy her own where Ashton can’t and that’s why we are asking her to share.

I’m also not sure why it matters since she has the dragon on her Webkinz site so why she even needs the physical one is beyond me. I see that as a compromise so that both children are happy, but Alexia remains incensed. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“YTJ. That’s what I find most troubling in her post. She’s teaching her daughter her boundaries and wants are not gonna be respected even at home.

And her son that what he wants goes no matter what. Imagine how hard it is to build the confidence in a 16-year old that has had the lesson that her wants and autonomy can be disregarded and she will be punished for voicing an objection. OP please apologize to your daughter and try to undo the damage you have done, you really don’t want a 16year old girl that doesn’t feel safe voicing anything to her parents for fear of being blamed even when she is in the right.

As girls there is already so much fear associated with us being in society sometimes, knowing your family will not support you will just make it 100x worse.” docasj

Another User Comments:
“I concur with the YTJ as a kid who went through similar thing with siblings. I loved Legos and Pokemon past when it was ‘cool’. My mom would make me ‘share’ with my eldest sister. the Only things I had to ‘share’ never came back.

Eldest sister still feels she was justified selling my stuff because of the entitlement that she learned from forced sharing. That and other issues mean she and I don’t talk, to the point that I ended up not attending either wedding of hers, her kids are strangers to me, and she entirely missed my wedding (whole Convo for another time). OP is setting her kids up for just as trashy of a relationship, as well as winning the ‘who’s going to a retirement home’ contest.” foxfirefizz

Another User Comments:
“YTJ.

You’re literally stealing from your daughter. She paid for it. So what if it’s under your roof. That doesn’t give you the right to steal her items from her no matter what they are. And frankly, if he sees them and wants to play with them and they’re in her room who cares. He shouldn’t be going in her room to take her things and neither should you.

You’re literally teaching him he can get what he wants if he asks enough and you’re teaching him that boundaries mean literally nothing. If you continue this he’s going to think his sisters no means absolutely nothing. And your daughter will start to resent you.” Reading_Painter

Another User Comments:
“Big fat YTJ. People have hobbies. Your daughter has a relatively tame one which she funds for herself (more props to her).

To her, they are not toys, but collectibles, like a really well-painted rare miniature is to WH40K players. Of course, she wouldn’t want to share a collectible with a 9yo kid who might damage the dragon.

And it’s your job as a parent to provide your son with toys. Not your daughter’s. Also, I don’t get your weird obsession with pushing your daughter onto ‘teenagery’ stuff. I, for one, would be glad if my daughter had a harmless toy collection hobby instead of doing the stupid stuff teenagers do.

I’m quite sure your daughter won’t be forgetting this easily.” DorklyDoc

Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You didn’t mediate anything, you chose sides and made it clear to Alexia that she is not allowed to own property. It is your house she lives in, you made that very clear and you should not be happy about that. Because now Alexia has no sovereignty and is essentially a prisoner. I know it sounds like I’m a young teenager being over-dramatic but I’m into my 30s and think you’ve made a terrible mistake.

The fact is, this was an opportunity to teach your son boundaries and that he should ask before even grabbing the toy that is not his, and that he should respect the answer. If your son wants the same toys, start buying him his own.

It is also apparent that you do not respect your daughter’s hobby which is also ridiculous to me. She could be doing so many terrible things at 16 and you don’t like that she plays with toys.

It sounds like you have expectations for who you want as a daughter rather than appreciating who your daughter is.

Lastly, you can ask your daughter to share. You can even state disappointment in her for not sharing. But she bought these. It should ultimately be your daughter’s decision. And at 16 you aren’t teaching your daughter to share. At 16 your daughter is becoming her own person and what you’re teaching her is that she can’t.” Nurut_Idnu

-2 points (8 votes)
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Unbelievable 4 months ago
Yeah, YTJ. You basically stole your daughters property and told her that's she is worth kess to you than your son. Not even gonna go there about the really crappy example you just set for your super entitled son....
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2. AITJ For Accusing My Potential Son-In-Law Of Using My Son To Get Citizenship?

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“3 years ago, while my son was in his third year of college, he met a boy who was an exchange student from the UK, who I’ll refer to as ‘A.’ They were together for just under a year until a had to go back to the UK to finish his degree. However, they both stayed in contact together.

Earlier this year, A was able to land a job in ‘marketing’ in our city.

He and my son moved in together soon afterward, and my son recently proposed to him. This wouldn’t be an issue, but for the fact that I have a suspicion that A is using my son to get citizenship. Whenever they visit, A always talks about how he’s always wanted to live in the USA, and about how much he likes the way of life over here.

He also talks about how he can’t wait to buy a house over here since mortgages are apparently easier to get over here than in the UK. All of these were red flags to me, since, without sounding rude, my son isn’t the least gullible person in the world. While googling his name on social media, I came across an old Instagram post, where he posted a picture about having to go back to the UK, where one of his college friends joked that he didn’t have to leave if he married (insert my son’s name) to which he replied with a laughing emoji.

This set me off to say the very least.

During one of their visits, while A was in the kitchen getting a glass of wine, I asked him if he had my son’s best intentions at heart. When he asked what I meant, I showed him the Instagram post he made back in 2018. I told him that if he’s doing what I think he’s doing, then there’ll be a lot to pay.

A acted as if he had no clue what was going on, which is when my son entered the room and asked A if he could talk to me privately. After A left, he accused me of ‘attempting to sabotage his relationship.’ I hit back, telling him that I’m looking out for him, as any mom should. I reminded him of his past relationships, where his partners were less than favorable.

My son got pretty upset at this point for ‘bringing up a bad part of his life,’ and left with A shortly after.

I know my delivery could have been better, however, I’d be lying if I said that A’s feelings for my son were completely truthful, and I believe that it’s my responsibility as a mother to let my son know how I’m feeling.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“Kinda YTJ.

He thinks he wants to live in the USA. He’s from the UK and I can guarantee the USA will not be what he thinks it is full-time. Does he get a job in the USA? That means he doesn’t need your son, he has a green card and works visa. Maybe he’s not a full citizen but he literally does not need your son to live in the USA.

He’s not in a third-world country trying to escape the terrible conditions, not that everyone from another country marries people from the USA to escape their home country. LOLOLOL on him when he realizes he doesn’t get healthcare. You might want to worry more about your son leaving the USA once he realizes everything he’s lacking.” altaawesome

Another User Comments:
“I was once in a serious relationship with someone I met whilst studying in the UK.

Yes, I’m a lifelong Anglophile. Yes, I loved living there. Yes, I spoke openly about wanting to live there. Yes, EVERYONE (including us) joked about getting married for the ‘green card’ (or whatever they call it over there, this was 20 years ago).

1a) Things ain’t that easy. Do you have any CLUE how difficult or how long this process takes? You can’t pop off, get married, and poof you’re an American citizen.

1b) Getting a job as an overseas candidate is ALSO extremely difficult, as you essentially have to prove that they aren’t taking a job away from a qualified American candidate. If he was able to land a job in marketing (why the quotes around ‘marketing,’ you realize that is a legitimate and fairly large job sector, right?), there’s a path to legal residency and eventual citizenship that doesn’t require getting married at all.

2) Why is it so hard for you to imagine that your son & his fiancé—gasp!—are in love and want to be together? Take out the citizenship angle, and has this man given you ANY indication that he doesn’t truly love your son? You don’t mention anything beyond his interest in America. Shouldn’t THAT be more of a red flag? Did it occur to you that he Is marrying your son because he wants to marry your son?

(In case you’re wondering why I’m not settled in the UK right now—I broke up with him.

Do I miss the lovely cities where I spent my early 20s? Every day. What don’t I miss? My ex. The months we spent living together after I finished my degree went a long way towards showing me that we did NOT belong together. We had a 4+ year relationship and while I still lament that he got a whole country in the breakup, I don’t regret marrying an American husband.

)

3) Your son is an adult. His relationship & decisions are none of your business.” lookingforaham

Another User Comments:
“YTJ for many reasons, but especially this:

‘I’d be lying if I said that A’s feelings for my son were completely truthful’.

Did you forget to put ‘in my opinion’ somewhere in there, because you DO NOT know A’s feelings because you ARE NOT A.

The fact that A was able to secure both a student visa and (I’m assuming) a work visa should be evidence enough that

a) he doesn’t need to ‘use’ your son to get to the US (it is possible to get citizenship without marrying a citizen, and gaining employment legally is the start of this process, you don’t seem to realize this)

b) with or without your son he would still have chosen to come to the US.

You do know that people say things in jest, and make jokes all the time, right? Just because someone else commented something is not evidence of anything to do with A, his intentions, or opinions.

I wonder whether A doesn’t live up to your expectations for your son, and now you are finding ways to undermine their relationship. Just a guess, and I hope for your son’s sake I’m wrong.

Do your son a favor – I’m assuming you love him and want him to be happy? Then stay out of his relationships and just be supportive, whatever happens. He’s an adult. Treat him like one.” doggy_moggy

Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Before accusing someone you really ought to check on the specific immigration agreements between countries, not just what you hear generalized in the news. First, did you know that anyone with British citizenship and passport can visit the US for 6 months at a time? They can basically live in the US year-round as long as they exit the US every 6 months for a short period of time.

Now without a work visa, they can’t work here. However, the man is permitted to work here already which means at a minimum he has also acquired a visa that allows him to work in the US which may mean his employer already sponsored him for a permanent residency and he can stay forever. Either way, he doesn’t have any need to marry your son to stay in the US or as a path to citizenship.” katamino

Another User Comments:
“Wow YTJ.

Their arrangement is none of your business first of all. Second, they’ve been together for years, and your SIL-to-be has a legitimate career in your country (which, why would you put in quotes?).

My marriage WAS for a visa. I came to my host country 7 years ago after a lifetime of dreaming about coming here. Anyone who knew me had heard me joke that I’d settle down with someone from this country.

5 years ago after being together and living with my husband for half a year, I was about to be between jobs. At a Starbucks, on a beautiful Sunday afternoon, I asked him to marry me so I’d have a visa between jobs. I even put the divorce on the table as an option once I had a work visa. Turns out that wasn’t necessary because spoiler: Neither of us gives a damn about how we define our relationship. He agreed and we eloped. We’re incredibly happy and have a beautiful family of too many cats and dogs.

It sounds like you’re looking for reasons not to like this guy, and it’s coming across as petty tbh. Get yourself together OP, if you want a relationship with your son in the future.” lmeridian

-2 points (4 votes)
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lasm1 3 months ago
YTJ. I feel bad for this poor guy that's going to have you for a mother-in-law
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1. AITJ For Asking My Sister To Babysit?

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“My wife and I have been hit badly by the health crisis. She worked in the restaurant industry which meant no work until 3 months ago and I’m a landscaper which also took a big hit because people in my area started doing it themselves and I didn’t qualify for unemployment. She looked after our children while I did food delivery (and some landscaping) and recently I’ve found work at a warehouse (evening shift) and she is going back to work at her previous employer which is also evening shifts mostly.

That means our sons 4 and 2 have to have been with a babysitter.

Our old babysitter isn’t working anymore and also the amount we make barely ever pays for one so it’s probably cheaper for my wife to quit and take care of them than hire one. My mom and her parents live in another state and we are struggling financially. My sister moved to be in state after her work let her move online so she could babysit a few times a week on the weekends or during the evenings because my wife works evening service mostly but she refuses to do it.

My sister lucked out with her career and is making six figures without children so she has been able to live largely. I asked her to do some babysitting and while we couldn’t afford to pay her now we should definitely help her in the future with child care and other things.

She basically said she isn’t interested and dismissed the difficult situation of my family. I’m angry that she won’t step up a little when her own family is struggling to pay the bills and can’t find a babysitter.

I told her she can’t expect any help from us if she won’t put any forward and she snidely told me she doesn’t need help and I’m always the one relying on her. She has been salty towards me since we borrowed 8,000 to buy a car a few years ago and we paid her back 5,000 but it took us more time than agreed on because my wife got surprise pregnant and we couldn’t pay her back until we were sure we could pay for the baby.

By the time we offered her the rest she refused to accept it but also she has told me she doesn’t expect anything from me and likewise not to expect anything from her. 3,000 to disown her own family over money troubles is ridiculous in my opinion but it seems she still hasn’t forgiven me for that. I’ve apologized to her multiple times but she has refused to be involved in her nephews.”

Another User Comments:
“YTJ.

An entitled jerk, which is quite a bit worse than an ordinary jerk.

Let’s settle some things here. First off, your sister didn’t ‘luck out’ into a 6 figure salary. She’s worked hard, planned well, and has earned what she’s gotten. Don’t diminish her accomplishments, it doesn’t look good on you, particularly when you’re the one always asking her for things.

Second, she has every right to say no.

She can say no. After all, she’s busy, because she doesn’t want to and because she’d rather watch paint dry. You are not entitled to her time, and especially if you aren’t even going to compensate her for it other than a future promise of repayment in the form of babysitting for kids that don’t even exist yet. And we all know you won’t actually repay her, you’ll be too busy or still working evening shift hours if she ever has kids.

(Does she even want kids? It’s an epically empty promise if she’s childfree.) You couldn’t even pay her back for the car loan.” RedoubtableSouth

Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You can’t demand someone else help you and take care of your children. While yes, it would be nice if sometimes family could help, you can’t rely on it nor demand it. Just because she’s making a good living and doesn’t have children doesn’t mean you can take advantage of her.

It’s her choice what she does with her life and how she spends her money. Your whole post is worded to try and make you sound like a victim and your sister sound like a villain. However, it just shows how entitled you are.

Your ability to procreate isn’t anyone else’s problem but your own. I have children as well and I have never demanded help, let alone free help, from any of my family or friends.

I have three sisters with no kids and I have never told them they should be spending their hard-earned money on my family just because they’re single or married without kids.” DisneyAddict2021

Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Her salary might be partly from luck but she decided not to have kids, and your promise to help with her hypothetical future kids—as if that will make babysitting worthwhile for her—is pretty worthless.

a) Because she might not have kids, b) because she probably could afford to babysit, c) because you’ve shown you take forever to pay her back and currently have no free time, so how have you given her any reason to think you’d even be available for babysitting? She’s probably glad she refused the extra $3000 payback at this point since you just would have been asking for babysitting help even earlier.

Also, babysitting enough to make a difference for you guys would not be ‘stepping up a little’—it would be taking on a job for no pay. Stepping up a little would be if she hadn’t already lent you $5000 and she lent you $50 or watched your kids for one night while you had some special thing going on. She has already stepped up and it bit her in the butt.

She tried to help you and you took it for granted, and she got tired of it. I know the situation sucks, but it’s not her responsibility to keep rescuing you.” AtticusFrenchToast

Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It’s your family. Your sister had nothing to do with causing your current situation. It’s also not her job to bail you out. Again.

You couldn’t afford to fully pay her back on a loan because you made another child that you now need help with babysitting.

She may have been blunt saying no more help, but the help only seems to flow one way — from her to you.

When do you expect her to babysit? Weekday days? When she’s working.

It’s also sounding like you’re a little angry and/or jealous that she “lucked into” a career that pays well. My guess is she’s worked to be where she is. The fact you don’t seem to respect that effort would be another reason why she could be hesitant to help.” PolesRunningCoach

Another User Comments:
“YTJ.

Your sister has a job already. And she needs to spend her working hours doing that job, not watching your kids.

Especially not watching your kids for free, or for the tiny amount you might be able to pay her.

Your offer is an insult. She’s a professional, she doesn’t need to work for free, or for minimum wage.

And your idea is incredibly dangerous for her – if she agrees to watch your kids, and it interferes with her work, she could lose her job.

And there is absolutely no way that you could afford to pay her back for that loss.

This really doesn’t have much to do with the $3000, except that the fact that you couldn’t pay her back for that makes it quite clear that you can’t afford to pay her back for anything else, either, and she, therefore, should not make decisions based on any type of reliance on you eventually paying her.

You’d have to pay her more than that every two weeks to make up for her lost wages if she were to lose her job because she neglected it to care for your kids.

Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting. Even if she’s 100% forgiven you for the $3000, that doesn’t mean that she will forget that you’re in a position where you can’t even afford to pay back $3000 and that therefore she should not rely on you to be able to pay her reliably for childcare.

If she were to rely on you to pay her for childcare, and you didn’t, she’d be destroyed financially very, very quickly. And for now, you’re quite clear that you don’t intend to pay at all, but merely hope to be able to pay in the future. (And probably not at a rate competitive with her current job.)

It doesn’t sound as if she wants to disown you. It merely sounds as if she doesn’t want to enter into any sort of work/financial arrangement with you under the current circumstances. Which, since it is clear that you could never actually keep up your end of any reasonable arrangement, is a wise decision.” Jazzlike_Humor3340

-2 points (6 votes)
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mima 4 months ago
YTJ! It isn't your sister's fault you had children you can't afford and it isn't her responsibility to help raise them. She has the right to say no. Your wife should be able to switch shifts at work, if not she needs to look for a different job and work only hours that you don't.
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