People Need Help Finding A Remedy In These "Am I The Jerk?" Situations
21. AITJ For Showering During My Roommate's Usual Shower Time?
“I (f21) have been very fortunate and am living in my own house. Recently (in the last 2 weeks), my 2 suite-mates from college moved in with me until they can get on their feet.
We all have pretty packed schedules as a result of our jobs and two of us being in grad school.
Due to this, they created schedules for when each person will do certain things. For example, “Cassidy” will do her laundry on Monday mornings, while “Marie” will do hers on Tuesday mornings. My day-to-day agendas are less open than theirs, so they don’t include me in these schedules but I’ve learned when they do what.
We’ve found that keeping things on a steady rotation makes it easy for everyone to have access to appliances and whatever else when needed, so we kind of assigned ourselves times at which we shower (there’s one bathroom and one-half bath).
I always shower in the mornings, “Cassidy” midday, and “Marie” in the evenings.
This is because these are the times that our schedules open up. It sounds silly but it’s really worked for us and reduced arguments so I’m fine with anything.
Here’s where the issue comes in:
Last night, “Cassidy” and “Marie” attended a university banquet while I was in my evening classes.
In my lab, we ended up doing dissections and I felt pretty gross afterwards so I planned to shower as soon as I got home.
I was aware that “Marie” usually showers in the evenings, but they had both said they wouldn’t be home until well after midnight.
I got home at 8 and immediately took a shower (15 minutes max).
When I got out, both of my roommates were sitting on the couch glaring at me demanding to know why I showered outside of the schedule. I apologized several times and told them I wouldn’t have showered if I knew they’d be home at that time.
“Cassidy” let up and said she doesn’t care and knew I wasn’t trying to be rude, but “Marie” has been making side comments.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but girl, wake up and smell the toxicity. These girls are fully taking advantage of you and the longer they stay the harder it will be to get them to leave.
You need to find your spine and boot these two girls out. Not only are they taking advantage of you but are also mocking you. Why are you allowing this to happen? You are going to suffer so much so quickly if you let them stay.
“I thought this arrangement could work, but it can’t. You have 30 days to find other accommodations. I will not be commenting further or entertaining any questions.” That’s all you have to say, in writing. Those 30 days will be awkward but when it’s over you’ll never have to deal with them again.
Alternatively, you can continue letting them walk all over you and be miserable for who knows how long. If you rent your place, then just tell your landlord and he’ll get them out.” gobledegerkin
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. First, it is your house. Second, you had a valid reason to shower “out of schedule.” Did they expect you to wait until morning to shower, while you were covered in god-knows-what?
Third, you showered from approximately 8 pm to 8:15 pm. This should not have interfered with Marie’s evening shower, other than to delay it for a few minutes, if she decided she wanted to shower at 8:05. Fourth, Marie told you she wouldn’t be home until midnight.
And what the heck were they doing home at 8:15, when they said they wouldn’t be home until midnight? Why did they lie? Why did they ambush you as you left the shower? And it stands to reason that occasionally, someone will get dirty or sweaty and need to shower out of rotation.
You did your due diligence—you thought they were at the banquet, and they told you they wouldn’t be home until midnight, it’s not like you took a three-hour-long shower. A word of warning. There are three of you. Very often in that setup, two people will band together against the third.
I see signs in your post that this may be happening. Remember, this is your house. They are there because you allow them to be. If they make life at all uncomfortable for you, they should leave. Because I think they are trying to pull a power play on you.
Marie especially needs to hear that if she is unhappy with the owner of the house taking a shower while Marie is out of the house, Marie is free to leave any time she chooses.” krankykitty
Another User Comments:
“Good news!! It’s been less than a month since they moved in.
This is perfect, they showed their true colors. Ask them to leave before they become legal tents or get a rental agreement signed that’s favorable to you. Ex. they leave with 2 weeks’ notice. Friends wouldn’t want to control your actions. Friends wouldn’t want to disrespect you in your own home.
Friends wouldn’t try and control when you shower after a hard day. This favor you’re doing for them? Nope, they feel entitled to your time, money and to change your routine for no valid reason. Time to change the terms. Also, treat them as individuals if one agrees and the other doesn’t kick 1 out.
NTJ, but you learn in life you choose how you let people treat you. Don’t be a jerk to yourself.” otterknowbeter
20. AITJ For Wanting Privacy From My Husband While Showering?
“I’m 15 weeks pregnant, and before I found out, I was getting lightheaded constantly, especially while I was showering. I still get lightheaded, but it’s not as frequent or bad as before.
At one point, it was really bad, and I was scared to have a shower, so I would ask my husband to either come in there with me or to work from our room, so if I needed his help, he would be able to hear me.
Even though I’ve told him I’m fine now, he still comes to check up on me multiple times and generally treats me like I’m made of glass.
We’ve argued over it multiple times already, but he always finds an excuse for why he needs to be in our ensuite the second I decide to take a shower.
There isn’t a lock on the ensuite, so I can’t keep him out, and I don’t want to move all of my stuff to use a different bathroom.
I decided to ask my brother if he could help me install a lock on the ensuite door.
I never asked him in front of my husband, but my brother told him once he came back into the room because, obviously, his best friend is more important than his little sister. They laughed about it, but after my brother left, we had a fight because my husband doesn’t think we need a lock and that I should’ve spoken to him if I wanted one instead of trying to get my brother to secretly install one behind his back.
I also texted my brother that he’s a jerk and that I should’ve asked my dad which he sent a screenshot of to my husband to tell him he better give me a lock because I was pouting over it.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH. You are well aware that you’ve had issues in your pregnancy, and showers/bathroom is the most dangerous place for accidents. You could easily pass out in the shower and then since the door will be locked, no one will be able to help you.
You can’t blame your husband for being concerned about your well-being, even if you think you are ok now. Pregnancy is full of risks and issues can arise at any time, anywhere. And honestly, he’s your husband, one of the only people where it’s acceptable for him to see you without clothing and in the shower.
Not like someone else here barging in your bathroom and making the lock a necessity. Yes, you are allowed to have privacy concerns and the ability to shower alone, but going behind his back and requesting someone help you physically bar your husband from a room in his house is excessive, and could be stemming from some general paranoia and heightened emotional responses from your pregnancy.
Take a step back, breathe, discuss your boundaries with your husband, and have a real, nonconfrontational conversation about how you are feeling, why you think you need to be alone, and what boundaries your husband is crossing that need to be addressed.” fortalameda1
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – for several reasons.
1. You still get lightheaded but not as often.
2. You have a concerned husband, which most people on this site don’t.
3. You involved your brother in your relationship.
4. You didn’t talk to your husband first about putting a lock on the door.
5. If the lock is on there, and you need help, then what?
You need to communicate with your husband.” mackeyca87
Another User Comments:
“I’m gonna go with NTJ here. The elephant in the room is that it doesn’t seem like your husband has any bad intentions by checking up on you.
As an outsider, it seems like he’s getting anxious or otherwise being overly cautious. So he isn’t a jerk for that.
On the other hand, boundaries are important. You relaxed a reasonable boundary, privacy while showering for a period of time when it was necessary.
If it’s no longer necessary, then reverting back to your previous, reasonable boundary should be respected. Your husband not respecting that boundary, even with good intentions, makes him a “jerk”.
While I don’t particularly agree with your decision, in that I don’t think I would’ve done the same, I can’t honestly think of a much better alternative.
Here, what’s important to draw attention to is the fact that you’ve argued about this multiple times. He has clear and express notice of this boundary and is choosing to violate it regardless. I don’t think I can call you the jerk when you’ve set a reasonable boundary, and your husband has decided to violate it, regardless of whether your response wasn’t entirely ideal.” therealsillygoose-
Another User Comments:
“ESH. While I fully understand wanting privacy and feeling like he is treating you like you are fragile, in reality, you are more fragile currently. You are still lightheaded and are growing another being at the moment. If you were to pass out, you are no longer the only one who could be harmed. I also want to bring up if you did get a lock, locked the door, and then passed out.
If your husband doesn’t hear you fall, you could potentially be there for a while. Many things could happen in the time it takes for him to get the door open, etc.
Maybe talk and agree to have him only check a certain number of times (if you are comfortable with that), get a noise monitor of some kind, or try to find another way to ease both your minds.
He is coming from a place of love clearly and is just anxious over all the things that could happen. A shower seat could also be another option that would be great!” Cold-Thanks-
19. WIBTJ For Telling My Mother-In-Law I Hate It When She Brings Soda To Dinner?
“So I (f31) find it kind of annoying that MIL always brings over soda for her to drink for herself when she is invited for dinner.
She doesn’t even offer to share. But that is not my issue with this.
We have water, lime water, tea, coffee, and sparkling water to drink. And I think it is impolite not just to drink what you are offered as a guest.
I don’t buy soda for everyday meals but would buy it if I invited guests over for a birthday or some other celebration.
And I don’t think guests should require soda for meals on a Tuesday evening. And I feel it is kind of offensive that she feels the need to bring her own soda.
WIBTJ if I told her how I feel?
When we visit MIL, she never offers water with the food.
Every meal is served with soda or booze. I don’t bring my own water, even though I would prefer water with my meal; I drink some soda.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Please for the love of God get a grip on your main character syndrome.
It’s not some personal affront to you that she likes to drink soda at dinner. And honestly, since you know she likes to drink soda at dinner and instead of just buying some for her to have when she’s over there you’ve decided to die on the “I won’t buy soda but also you can’t bring your own” hill so you’re double the jerk.
This is an issue entirely of your own creation and it only lives inside your mind, not the real world. Please get a grip. Your MIL is an adult woman who can choose what she wants to drink at any given time without your approval.” GarbageGworl
Another User Comments:
“For the better part of 20 years, my late mother-in-law always brought a can of Diet Pepsi and a straw. At first, it annoyed me and I didn’t understand, then I thought… if this is the worst thing my mother-in-law does, I am blessed.
Let her bring her soda and look the other way. In the grand scheme of things, what does it matter? Is it worth hurting her or a family fight? It’s your husband’s mother. This isn’t about how often you were allowed to drink soda.
Don’t be petty. It’s not worth it. I miss my mother-in-law and her can of soda.” Segalmom
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Of your list of available drinks, I will only drink one (water). I like soda, it’s my preference, but if the dinner fits I’d also eat with a nice white or red. Sometimes I’ll even take hot chocolate so I have something to drink that is hot while everyone else has their after-dinner coffees.
Most of my friends/family that host will provide some other option for me, or will ask the guests if they have preferences, otherwise they don’t have a problem with me bringing my own. I don’t have a problem with just water, but it always feels a little weird to be sitting there with a glass of water while everyone else is drinking coffee.
It takes nothing for you to accommodate her drink choice. Literally, nothing since she’s bringing it. If you don’t want her to act like you’re being a bad host, maybe provide things your guests will drink? Especially your MIL, whose preference you obviously know and completely ignore.” Natural_Garbage7674
18. AITJ For Ruining One Of My Brother's Books I Borrowed From Him?
And he LOVES his books.
“Okay, so my (21F) brother (18M) has a collection of books he has been collecting since he was around 10. He reads them almost every day and has 2 large bookshelves in his room.
I’ve recently started trying to read more, and I saw a book recommendation online.
I noticed my brother reading the same book a few days earlier, and instead of buying one online, I thought I’d just ask him if I could borrow his. He said he’d finished reading it and to go ahead but just return it when I’m finished. There was no problem with this on either end.
Anyway, I was reading the book in the living room. My brother came in, no problem. I folded the paper over to keep the page, and as I was doing that, he looked over and started shouting at me for bending the page. He grabbed the book from me and stormed upstairs and slammed his door.
I followed him up to see why it was such a big problem, but he continued to scream at me for “ruining” his books. I’ve always done that with books, and I don’t understand why it’s bad. I get that he likes his books but jeez.”
Another User Comments:
“I’m surprised that you’ve reached the age of 21 without learning that people who are serious about their books hate – and I mean absolutely, to the very core of their being, HATE – it when people bend the corners to mark a page. Sounds like you’ve learned the hard way.
To you, it’s a non-event; to your brother, the book is now genuinely ruined.
I vote nobody’s the jerk since you genuinely didn’t know. But rather than going the “Geez, what’s the big deal, stop overreacting” route with your brother, I recommend a sincere apology with the explanation that you honestly didn’t know this mattered to him, and the assurance that you’ll respect the way he wants his books treated in the future.” headdeskreact
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – I love books. But I dog-ear, and recently I’ve been sticky-noting and have been looking for nice highlighters for parts of the book I really like. But those are my books. I can choose to do that to my books.
Not everyone is okay with that. I wouldn’t do that to someone else’s books. It might have been absent-minded of you, and you didn’t mean any harm, but his books are clearly very important to him, and he wants to keep them in good condition.
That’s understandable, when borrowing anything it’s expected that the item will be returned in the same condition it was lent, to the best of your ability. Try to be more mindful of this.” CrimsonKnight_004
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – I am also a book collector and reader.
Dog-earring the pages is the bane of our existence. It creases forever, it makes it look less pretty, and if done enough, it can lead to page tearing from wear. The issue isn’t just that you made a mistake, it’s that you won’t own up to it.
He walked away from you to get some space, give it to him, then apologize.” CassiopeiaFoon
17. AITJ For Making My Mom Leave After She Questioned My Daughter's Mom-Daughter Relationship?
“I (30F) married my wife (33F) 8 years ago. We have a daughter (5y/o) together. My parents are super accepting of us as a family. They were also very supportive when I came out, so they’re amazing people.
I think I should mention I am half-Italian (on my mom’s side) and half-Portuguese (on my dad’s side), so you can imagine I was brought up in a loud and warm environment. My wife’s family is originally from England, and she was brought up in a more formal home (her whole family consists of lawyers; my whole family consists of artists of different kinds.)
She is super warm and loving when it is just the three of us but is super reserved and uncomfortable showing affection when anyone else is around. I understand this, and it is something I have come to terms with. She is an amazing wife and mother, and that’s just how she is with showing her affection around others.
My mom and dad were over in our house the other day. I went into the kitchen to bring them coffee. When I was coming back, I heard my mom asking our daughter if her ‘momma’ – that’s my wife – was kind when they were not around.
I asked my mom what the heck she was asking my daughter. She got embarrassed when I called her out and went on saying she was worried about me and her granddaughter that they were being ignored, and she wanted to make sure, etc., etc.
I said my wife had been around for 10 years. How is that question occurring to her now? She said that’s because she had never seen us be lovey-dovey, and our daughter was also becoming like that, and she just wondered. I said she should leave because I was too angry and didn’t want to say anything at the moment.
My brothers and sister have all texted me saying I was being too hard on Mom, and that I shouldn’t have told her to leave. I was just really sad and didn’t want to say something in a moment of anger. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I may or may not have asked her to leave at the moment, but I certainly would have had a “full and vigorous airing of views” along the lines of, “You do NOT question my children in the way you just did, and you are VERY welcome to keep your opinions about how your daughter and her wife of 2,922 days care for each other and your grandchild to yourself.
If I have a problem with how I’m cared for in this relationship, I will deal with it myself.” MAYBE your mother COULD have taken you aside at some point and privately said, “Hey, Daughter, Jane always seems very reserved when I’m around.
I love you with all my heart, and I want to make sure you’re cared for the way I want you to be.” But to question your 5yo child ? That’s a hot steaming dish of nope.” bobledrew
Another User Comments:
“I mean, I wouldn’t say you are a jerk.
Realistically, let’s say something dodgy was going on at home, you or your partner would be unlikely to mention it, because ‘I can handle it.’ Something everyone does. Imagine if someone you cared about was in a relationship with someone you thought was abusive.
By asking the child in an innocent way, is everything okay at home, you find out what’s going on and can intervene if need be.
Obviously, I didn’t hear exactly what was said by your mother. So there is a fine line between what is okay to say and what is not.
Your mother asked your daughter because she cares about you. You didn’t necessarily need to bite her head off over it. It might have just been an in-the-moment thing for her to mention. However, yes, she should have spoken to you about it first rather than involving the child potentially for no reason.” Complx_Redditor
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You stated you come from a familial background of emotion-forward personalities. Yet, you managed to remove the ‘problem’ before you spouted off in shock and anger. This is especially important because your protective energies could have been heightened because your child was involved. Good job.
Now you can breathe and formulate an appropriate response to the situation without your child hearing raised, angry shouting among family members. You can set expectations with your family about direct communication with you as an adult and not using children as spies. You can also be more aware of your family members’ interactions with your child (mom might not be the only one prying).
But, mostly, you can respond to the situation responsibly, maturely, and with love instead of outrage. Maybe they need some cultural uptraining but they need boundaries – established kindly. Good luck, OP.” Avlonnic2
16. AITJ For Not Allowing My Stepson To Use My Toiletries?
“Basically, my stepson (10m) has a bad habit of wasting shampoos, body soaps, etc. He prefers taking baths, and many times containers of the stuff will be ruined because he just lets it drop in the tub and lets everything get watered down.
He also will drop some soaps in acting like he is taking a bubble bath.
My wife and I have both talked to him about it and have encouraged him to shower instead. He refuses and will still waste whatever body cleaning supplies are around.
At first, I just moved mine from the tub cubby to another spot in the bathroom. He would still find a way to bring my stuff into the tub to use. And it would once again be filled with bath water leaving me with nothing to clean myself with.
I’ve gotten fed up with it. Now I bring my shampoo and body wash to the bedroom once I am done with it. No problems since on his end. But now my wife is annoyed about it and often says if it’s that big of a deal; she will just buy me another container of whatever he wastes.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – My kids love doing this; however, they definitely understand most items are unavailable to them. I tend to buy a handful of cheap bath products for them to waste. Smaller bottles are better than big containers. I also keep extra bottles in the tub for “potion-making.” The extra bottles end up saving a lot of product because instead of dumping product in the tub they experiment in the bottles.
With appropriate options, the kids don’t mess with anything outside of the tub. It’s still best to remove special products from the shower area because they can easily end up waterlogged if they accidentally fall into the tub.
Disapproving of your choice to keep your bath products safe from destruction seems strange.
It doesn’t seem reasonable to prefer constant replacement. Would that mean you’d always need backups of your products in some safe space like your bedroom? You’d only know you need a replacement upon attempting use, it’d be pretty inconvenient not having backups.” Princess__Nell
Another User Comments:
“You could probably solve 80% of your issues by just getting him some cheap bubble bath. You’re NTJ for making sure he can’t waste your actual products, but I think you could just solve the actual root problem and maybe you would still get to keep your stuff in there because he wouldn’t be tempted to waste it if he had the proper supplies for what he’s trying to do.
I also loved bubble baths as a kid and once my mom realized I was wasting her body wash just to make bubbles, she just got my own bubbles and I never touched her stuff again. Pretty simple solution if you ask me.” lesbian_moose
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I would use this as an opportunity for a life skills moment. I’d get him 3 small cheap bottles of soap designated for bubble baths, messing with, potion making, whatever he wants to do with them really. And tell him “These are yours for whatever you want, but they’re all you’re getting for this month.
You have to figure out how to make them last the month.” And if he runs through them in a week, oh well, natural consequences, maybe next month he’ll be better. Just ensure he can’t get into anyone else’s stuff. Make him responsible for his belongings, and help him learn to care for and ration things on his own.
You could turn this into a positive learning experience and give the agency back to him to make better choices.” ZookeepergameOk4165
15. AITJ For Refusing To Give My Tablet To My Brother After My Mom Told Me To?
It was their tablet all along, so why is it suddenly Brother’s?
“My mom bought me this tablet six months ago because I got exceptional grades, and I haven’t parted with it ever since.
Yesterday, my mom sat me down and told me about how she was struggling to keep my brother’s thieving habits in check and that she needs me to give my brother my tablet. I told her no and that I got it through my own hard work.
Then my mom told me that she actually bought it with him in mind but if she gave it to him directly, she was worried he’d sell it for substances. She asked whether I noticed that he touches everyone’s things in the house except mine and that she’ll tell him he’s just borrowing it from me, it’s not actually his.
So my mom told me six months ago that she bought the tablet for me, and now she’s telling me it was for my brother all along. I snapped and told her I’d rather break it than give it back to you or him.
Mom snapped and said if I think I’m any better than my brother then I’m wrong and that I’m even worse than him.
She said at least he’s got a good heart and would never hold grudges against his own sister.
I don’t hate my brother but I don’t particularly like him right now. I just want this to be over. If I’m the jerk here I’ll apologize and hand it over.
So, am I?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are the scapegoat. You can do no right. Ever. Your brother is the Golden Child. He can do no wrong. Ever. It will be this way your entire life. Yes, you should stand up for yourself and tell her no. You earned this through hard work.
Please do so. Just understand that this will never end. This is through no fault of your own. You did nothing wrong. This is your mom’s problem. The sooner you realize this, the easier it will be to realize you will never be as important to Mom as your brother.
Never.
So, be your own favorite person. Do like I did. Buckle down in school, take practice ACT/SAT tests. Keep up those grades, and get those test scores up for yourself. Get yourself as much of a chance to get a scholarship, even partial, to a nearby state college or trade school.
She won’t be helping you. All of her money and attention will go to your brother. He needs it more, don’t you see? Good luck.” KronkLaSworda
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Hold a grudge? What grudge? It was given to you 6 months ago! No takebacks!
No history rewrites! Liars and thieves the both of em.
Your mom is an enabler. You don’t control a thief, they are criminals of opportunity. It is impossible to not be vulnerable to theft when one is living inside your house. It is impossible to ever trust them if it happens over and over again no matter how many times they apologize for it and promise to never do it again.
How can a thief have good a heart? People are what they do; theft is really crappy.
Your mother playing manipulation games to take back something a long time after the fact is crappy. It’s not a grudge to not like crap. It is normal to not like disgusting things.
They can lie to themselves about how crap they are. But you can smell it, so that’s why you said heck no; I will not eat this guilt-covered crap sandwich!” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It might have been different if your mother, when she originally gave you the tablet, said, ‘I’m giving this to you as a fiction.
The tablet is intended for your brother, but I’m worried if I just gave it to him he would sell it for substances. So I’m pretending to give it to you because you seem to be the only person he won’t steal from. You get to use it for 6 months, then I’m going to ask you to “loan” it to him.’ But she didn’t say any of that.
It seems likely that your brother said to your mother, “I want the tablet.” She’s trying to manage things so that he doesn’t get upset.
It seems, based on your comments, that your brother is an addict. He smokes. He steals. That last is a classic symptom of addiction.
I would recommend that you find a meeting of a group called Nar-Anon that you can attend. Just as AA is for the users themselves, and Al-Anon is for the families of the users, and Nar-Anon is for the families of addicts. You may be able to find in-person meetings in your area, or there are always online meetings.
I suggest you google “Nar-Anon” to find their website. I would also recommend that you suggest to your mother that she find one or more meetings to attend. You may wish to attend separate meetings from your mother.
From what you’ve said, it is clear that your mother is in trouble when it comes to managing her own life.
She is distorting her life, and the life of everyone around her, in trying to manage your brother’s substance use.” Fantastic-Station572
14. AITJ For Kicking My Coworker And Her Dog Out Of My Office Cubicle?
“Yesterday afternoon, a coworker brought her (35F) new dog to the office to show it off to everyone. She made the rounds going to everyone’s cube and office.
Seemed like everyone was excited to meet it and pet it and all that.
To preface the situation with this coworker, I (28M) can’t stand dogs. There is just about nothing about them I like. I find them obnoxious and gross and people take them places far too much.
I don’t understand why you need your dog to run errands or to go out to eat, especially when the odds are the place is not dog-friendly. My opinion about dogs, I usually keep to myself and quietly remove myself from situations.
She gets to my cube and says hey this is my new dog.
I named him Fido. I just say cool and continue working. Well, my lack of enthusiasm at having a dog in my space was not apparent to her. She asks me to pet him citing trying to socialize him. I say no, I’d rather not do that.
I’m sure someone else will pet him. It’s clear that my refusal baffles her. She asks if I don’t like dogs and I respond with I’m not the biggest fan. She says only weirdos don’t like dogs. I respond loudly, “Okay get your crappy dog out of my cube now.” She leaves but calls me a jerk as she moves on.
She’s now going around telling the whole office about our interaction. So was I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“You are going to get plenty of NTJ responses from the eye for an eye crowd, but the correct judgment is ESH. She was worse, but the proper response would be something like, “Calling me weird is offensive and hurtful.
Please leave me alone.”” poeadam
Another User Comments:
“I’m also going with ESH. You are not required to like dogs and she should respect that it’s a workplace – no need to force her precious pup on coworkers or shame them. Your response was harsh though, it sounds like you are aware of that.
Instead of the passive-aggressive route followed by an explosion, you could’ve looked her in the eye and stated what you wanted right off the bat. You didn’t have to raise your voice or call her dog crappy, so that makes you a jerk too.” iraven_mccoy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m not a fan of dogs either. Not everyone is. A lot of dog lovers don’t seem to understand this. You stated and made it readily apparent to your coworker that you didn’t want an interaction with her dog. She pushed it and insulted you, then you responded verbally forcefully, to extract yourself from the situation.
For those talking about HR issues, the company is partly to blame, because, why are they allowing people to bring dogs into the office? If you’d been bitten, they’d have been liable. Harmless dog? With a permissive dog policy, maybe people will start bringing in their pet pit bulls, mastiffs, or rottweilers.
One dog that snaps at the wrong time and things will go south fast. Aside from all of that, it doesn’t matter if your reason for not liking dogs is a general dislike, an allergy, or a fear, you made it clear that you didn’t want to interact with the dog and she pushed it.” casual_observer_
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I am a dog person. Never met a person I like remotely as much as even a mediocre dog. I am sure OP’s co-worker’s new dog is a much better person than OP’s co-worker, and probably than OP.
HOWEVER, lots of people don’t like dogs. I don’t agree, but I get it. Cultural reasons, traumatic histories, allergies, phobias – there are all sorts of real reasons people don’t like dogs. Now, if they come to the dog park or my yard, or the woodland trail system where I walk my dog, to complain, then they can screw right off.
But in the workplace? With the dog being literally thrust into their personal space? Heck no. Co-worker’s fault 100%. She should have left OP’s space as soon as she realized they weren’t into it.” Reddit user
13. AITJ For Making My Sister Wear Certain Clothing Around My House?
“I (25f) and my husband (27) have a home together with our 4-year-old. My sister Julia (20) lives with us because we live close to her college. She has her own room.
Julia likes to leave the bedroom in a big shirt and undergarments, or just a robe, or walk around the house in her sports top and booty shorts.
I’ve mentioned to her nicely to change before but she keeps doing it. The other night she did it again and I just simply said, cover up. She got angry and said she lived there too and accused me of being worried my husband would ogle her.
I told her that was definitely not the case, but there was a young child in this home, and it wasn’t appropriate; she needed to cover up before leaving her room.
We got into an argument, and I basically said you could run around your room wearing nothing for all I care, but once you leave the bedroom, you need to be covered. She didn’t like that and has been avoiding me in the house over the past few days.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you do need to know that the sister is absolutely doing this on purpose. She knows it bothers you, and she’s still doing it. Her motive could be simple defiance to actually aiming for attention from your husband per her own admission of possible guilt.
I only think she has two options. Comply with covering up when she leaves her room or finding her own place close to campus. She’s not contributing to the home… Your house, you get to make this simple rule.” Juno1990
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your sister is a jerk and if she doesn’t like it she can leave.
I do think a big part of you that you won’t admit doesn’t like it happening in front of your husband, but if I was married, I also wouldn’t like another woman walking around half unclothed in front of my husband, regardless if it was my sister or not.
It’s not about not trusting him, but it’s hard to not acknowledge someone who’s half unclothed or look at someone’s butt cheeks hanging out. I don’t know why people are acting like she’s not being disrespectful for walking around in a t-shirt and undergarments in front of her sister’s husband.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think this comes down to how people were raised. When I was a teenager I distinctly remember my mom telling both my brother and me to cover up. I would forget sometimes and feel comfortable so I’d leave my bedroom in my undergarments and a T-shirt.
My mom was honest and said I shouldn’t wear that around my dad, and I agree. I felt comfortable around my dad because he treated me like a daughter. But I still don’t think it’s okay. Others I can see are disagreeing, but they were probably raised differently.
I think a sports top and booty shorts are fine. But if she is walking out in just her undergarments that’s too much. I’ve lived in a house with all women and walking around in just undergarments was fine by me, but it’s important when living with other people to listen to their comfort level.
I also had a roommate who didn’t even want to touch my undergarments after they fell out of my laundry. Both scenarios were fine by me.” jessonamission
12. AITJ For No Longer Allowing My Daughter To Sit On My Lap?
“I (37f) am married to my husband (38m), and we have a daughter together (11f).
My daughter is very small for her age, and as a result, gets treated like a younger child sometimes.
She loves to hop in my or my husband’s lap and cuddle with us on the couch or in a chair. I have been thinking that she may be too old for that sort of thing, and maybe I’m hurting her by letting her continue.
Yesterday, she tried to hop in my lap and cuddle, and I told her she was too old for that and to get off me. She got really upset, got off me, and went to her room and slammed the door.
She hasn’t tried to get in my lap since then, and things are tense between us.
She doesn’t talk to me unless she has to, and when I hugged her goodnight last night, she didn’t hug me back.
I feel really guilty because I obviously hurt her feelings, but I feel like she might be too old for sitting on my lap.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“He’s too big for my lap, but what I would do if my 17-year-old wanted to curl up with me… I strongly suggest you approach your daughter and talk to her about this. Explain that you (and hopefully this is accurate) love her and want to cuddle but didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable, and you handled it wrong.
Hopefully, she’ll understand, and the current tension will end. I totally get you not always wanting someone in your lap, and in those situations, I’d be careful about making blanket statements. Instead of, “You’re too old for this,” say something like, “I’m not feeling great…” or “I need some space…” or whatever (but you oriented – not her oriented) “…right now, but later would be great.” Or something to that effect.
That way she knows it’s temporary and that it isn’t about her; it’s about you. YTJ.” simplystevie107
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. What is your reasoning for her being “too old” to sit in one of her parent’s laps? I mean, if she were hopping into the laps of strangers or older unrelated men, then sure, I’d probably nip that behavior in the bud.
But still wanting to cuddle HER OWN PARENTS?! Crap, she should be able to do that as long as she wants! She can sit on your lap and cuddle you when she’s 70 and you’re 90!
The problem here sounds more like YOU are annoyed by this behavior, and it is simply YOU who does not want her sitting on your lap.
If so, that is fine, and that is your prerogative to make choices about your own personal space.
However, don’t make it seem like it’s your daughter who is being the problem here. Instead, simply say that she is not too old to sit on her parents’ laps and cuddle, and she is allowed to want to do that, but she simply has to ask permission first. Her parents love her, but sometimes they want their laps to themselves, you know.
This is a great time to teach her about consent. And consent goes both ways too.” Ok-Swordfish-9494
Another User Comments:
“I don’t understand this logic that as our children get older we shouldn’t cuddle and hug them the same we did when they were small.
One day very soon she will choose herself to stop cuddling as much and snuggling. She will barely hug you altogether and you will miss it. It’s gonna happen naturally, she will become less and less lovey as she becomes a teen. Let her enjoy being a cuddly child for as long as possible.
I know it’s not your intention to tell her she’s less lovable because she is older but that’s why she got upset. Growing up is hard and it sounds like she needs your support. I’m struggling between No Jerks Here and YTJ. I’m gonna say YTJ…and go give your daughter a hug and apologize.
Explain why you said that. Even at 35 I still wish my mother had been affectionate and hugged us.” dawng87
11. AITJ For "Arguing" With A Teacher About Not Wanting To Sit In The Front Row?
“I’m in a college study abroad program with guest teachers often this quarter. I have a brain injury from a car accident a year and a half ago which means my eyes have a hard time focusing, and there are certain things that are just difficult.
I have accommodations through the disability services at school, so my main teacher knows, but the guest teachers aren’t informed.
Today, we had a new teacher come in who told me I had to sit in the front, and I explained that with my brain injury, I can’t sit that close but I’m totally paying attention (in fact much more attention because I’m not getting a migraine lol).
The teacher got upset with me telling me I either sit in the front or leave the class. I tried to explain that I wasn’t trying to be disrespectful at all, and I apologize if I came across that way. He told me I was being too difficult, and there was no way it mattered where I sat.
He wasn’t happy with me, and I felt bad, but I was just trying to communicate what I needed to be able to participate. He told me that if I sat in the back, there was no way I was paying attention, and he wouldn’t allow me to be “irresponsible with my education.” I have disability services and my main teacher knows, but it definitely sounds like the info wasn’t passed on.
I did end up sitting in the front because I didn’t want to be removed from the class, but I wasn’t able to read the board and participate. Was I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“I’m a university professor. If someone did this at my university, they would be in a world of hurt.
We are told that if a student sues for not getting their legal accommodations, it is us, specifically, who are sued, and it will be us who are liable. Some accommodations you can discuss and change and modify. Where a student has to sit to be able to see or to hear is just…NOT.
Talk to the people in charge of disability accommodations at your school. You might also want to talk to the chair of the department and your main professor. YOU ARE NOT BEING A JERK (NTJ). You are caring for your education. If you don’t do this, that jerk (the guest instructor) will do it to someone else.” Worldsgreatestfrog
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but DO report that guest teacher. You told them you needed an accommodation and that you can’t sit close, and why. AT THE LEAST, the teacher should have accepted it and checked it later unless it was immediately disruptive to the class.
It wasn’t. Teacher was the jerk. We teachers are WELL aware that some students need physical accommodations. The guest teacher could have simply left a note for the regular teacher, who could have then chewed you out if you were lying. Nope. TOTALLY unacceptable behavior by the guest teacher, informed or not.
Please, PLEASE tell the college program ASAP.” maroongrad
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Reading things like this makes me so happy I went to college later in my 20s than straight out of high school. I never once gave a professor or TA a chance to give me grief especially if I had a real reason.
I had slipped a disk in my back and couldn’t sit in the class chairs they had, so I would stand in the back at a spare podium.
A TA came in one day and told me I needed to sit or leave. I reminded him how much I paid to be in that class and if the only person that has a problem with me standing is the TA, then it was their problem to deal with, not mine.
They gave me dirty looks all class, and when my professor was back from their conference the next week, they apologized for not telling the jerk I had a medical issue.” Jw0341
10. AITJ For Prioritizing My Cat Over My Good Friend?
“I’ve been friends with Lilly (fake name, we are both in our late 20s) for more than a decade.
Had my cat Jinx for about two years. Jinx broke into my house during the hardest time of my life and instantly saved me from deep depression. I love him to death. He is my best friend.
Lilly recently got divorced and is in the process of moving out of her ex’s house.
I don’t know the details, but I know it was messy. She asked me if she could stay in my spare room (my home office, Jinx thinks of it as his own room). I told her so and that there isn’t space for all of her stuff but still offered to let her stay for a bit since I have an air mattress.
She was grateful for that but then she also asked if I could keep my cat elsewhere while she was there.
Apparently, she is very allergic to cats. I don’t have another place for Jinx to stay for free (pet hotels here go $50 a day and they put them in extremely small cages), and even if Jinx wasn’t there, his hair would still be everywhere.
I told her so and said she should probably ask other friends who don’t have cats. She got extremely mad and said she can’t believe I’m prioritizing a cat over her and that she needs to rethink our friendship before hanging up.
I get that she’s in a rough spot. I can’t imagine what she is currently going through. I feel awful. But I don’t want to send Jinx away for however long it would be to accommodate her. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – If she is very allergic to cats, then she will not be able to stay in your home even if you had somewhere else for your cat to stay.
Cat hair and dander are very hard to remove from things like rugs and upholstered furniture – even cracks in the floorboards or heating ducts. You are not prioritizing your cat over your friend; you are just not able to accommodate her needs.
That being said – give her some time to cool off and approach the situation with some grace if she reaches back out.
This is one of those times where she should apologize for her outburst, but maybe follow her lead if she chooses to act like the whole conversation never happened once she is back on stable ground.” Forward_Squirrel8879
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your cat is your dependent.
Not her. But have there been any other attempts to compromise?
My brother is severely allergic to cats, but he has let me and my cat live with him for 3 years. He takes 2 types of allergy medication and avoids certain areas. I vacuum and dust vents every few days while my cat gets groomed once a month.
My cat stays out of his bedroom to give him an allergen-reduced space.
An option for you: give your friend a time limit (1-6 months). Keep the office/bedroom door closed. Frequent cleaning by both of you. Make clear boundaries. (Cat is only blocked from one room, don’t let the cat get out, etc.) Creating an understanding that you aren’t attempting to confide her into one space but instead letting your cat have access to the majority of her entire world.
If compromise doesn’t work, your friend has thumbs and can take care of herself. NTJ.” RevolutionarySand793
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I’m allergic to cats and diligently try and avoid contact with them. I can survive a few hours visiting a friend with cats so long as I take an antihistamine beforehand.
I would absolutely never dream of telling a friend who was doing me a huge favor that she needed to rehome her cats to accommodate me. She is being very unreasonable – it could be the divorce and feeling like nobody loves her, but her response is over the top in my opinion.
Has she ever acted this entitled before? You mention that Jinx was a lifesaver when you were going through your own crisis situation – did your friend offer you any support at that time, reach out to see how you were doing, etc.? I have to wonder if this friendship thing is a one-way street with you giving and her taking!
I suggest you stick to your guns and not try and rehouse your pet. If she has another hissy fit, stay calm and tell her you are sorry she feels that way but that your decision is final.” CJ_CLT
9. AITJ For Telling My Coworker He's Too Stinky To Drive With?
“My (22M) coworker Jack (23M) and I live relatively close to one another (about 2 blocks apart from one another) and we work the same hours, and his house is directly on commute, so when we realized this, it was a no brainer for us to carpool.
Jack used to take public transit, and I used to be stuck in traffic on the QEW (local highway that’s notoriously slow), so being able to take the HOV and cruise into work cut my commute time in half. It was a win-win.
The problem, Jack smells awful.
Like not just like a little BO after a workout but like freaking rank rotting onions. At work, it’s tolerable, but sitting in a car for almost 40 minutes a day is just unbearable, and the smell lingers for long after he’s gone, so my car just permanently smells abysmal. So after about 2 weeks of commuting together, I had enough.
I decided that I should probably just be honest with him about the reason and told him that the body odor was becoming unpleasant for me and that I didn’t want to carpool anymore. He got really upset, telling me that it was unfair for me to just decide out of the blue to double his commute time and make him pay for public transit.
When I talked to my girl, she said I should’ve at least asked him to shower or something before just refusing to drive together, but previous complaints have been made in the office, and he didn’t change his behavior, so I assumed there was no point here.
I genuinely feel awful, and I don’t know if I’m the jerk here. Any thoughts?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Bad BO is hard to be around, especially in such a small closed space and for so long. Sometimes I find myself in an elevator for like a minute with someone who reeks, and I feel like I have to hold my breath.
Also, I don’t think you can ask a grown-up to shower, if he doesn’t know on his own that he needs better hygiene there’s not much you can do. He has been made aware of the issue but has done nothing about it, so let him face the consequences.
I still stand by NTJ, because bad BO, regardless of the issue, is difficult to stomach. The guy has been made aware that people around him can pick up on the smell, so it’s up to him to seek medical help. And unfortunately, he may need to get his own transportation, if the issue can’t be fixed.” deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are likely correct that saying something would not have made a difference, since complaints from his office mates didn’t. I’m surprised that his girl hasn’t said something to him. I worked years ago in the same building with a man who had an odor issue.
The men who worked in his office complained about it. One day he injured himself and couldn’t drive. I lived just a few blocks away from him, so he asked if I would be his ride until he could drive again. His office mates asked me to talk to him about his odor.
Turns out he bathed every day. He used a cologne that he really liked, but it apparently did not mix well with his natural body chemicals. That was the cause of the odor. He didn’t realize that he stank, he only smelled the cologne. The office mates gifted him with a new cologne.” Outside-Tea4298
8. AITJ For "Gaslighting" My Partner In Front Of Friends?
“My (M25) girl (F25) and I were out with some friends yesterday, and one of my friends was talking about how she has this weird disorder where she has extremely early childhood memories. She said she vaguely remembers watching the 9/11 news on the TV even though she was only like 3 years old.
My girl jumped in and said it would have been cool if she had that disorder too, but she wasn’t even alive when 9/11 happened, so she wouldn’t have seen it anyway. I told my girl that she would have been alive, she just would have been like 3 years old since she was really young.
She told me no, she would not have been alive, and to stop acting like I knew her life experiences better than her. I honestly thought this was some sort of sarcastic joke, so I laughed her off and said, “Yeah, okay, very funny.”
But she was seriously mad and told me to “stop freaking gaslighting” her, and the whole mood was kind of killed after that.
I apologized because I didn’t want to cause a scene, but I guess the damage was done. Maybe I should’ve dropped it and not argued with her initially. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, this is not gaslighting omg. SO read too much Instagram pop psychology.
I don’t like when words describing serious specific issues get thrown around carelessly like that. Gaslighting is at play in abusive relationships. You weren’t being abusive in that situation. She was just objectively wrong and didn’t want to admit it. And it’s not okay to throw such a heavily loaded word at your partner, implying that they are abusing you, in such a trivial situation.
Also you guys the same age… if you were alive for 9/11 she obviously was too. Maybe she didn’t know the year when it happened. Either that or she didn’t want to lose face in front of your friends. Although, I don’t think she fooled anyone…” Ok-Contribution1548
Another User Comments:
“Is it really a disorder to remember early childhood memories? I just call that a good memory. I remember what my mom was doing on 9/11. Painting letters so she could hang them in my room to spell my name. Also, why does your girl want a disorder?
I’m not sure why your girl is mad… but maybe don’t bite the bullet and find out… just apologize and have her explain what she would like to remember if she had this “disorder.”” deleted
Another User Comments:
“Uhh…this is so bizarre.
Your girl is A) lying about her age, B) unqualified to be a history teacher or C) unqualified to be a math teacher. Your girl is also definitely D) unqualified to be a psychologist, TikTok psych, or otherwise, because that’s not gaslighting. NTJ.
You don’t have anything to feel bad about, this is on her, dude.
I also thought of a really funny response you could have made about ‘gaslighting’ here, but I would feel bad writing it down, lmao. Would have been a killer comeback in my opinion.” InGenNateKenny
7. AITJ For Not Giving My Mom's Wedding Photo To My Half-Brother?
“I (F32) have 2 half brothers (M50 & M54). My mom was married to their father for 20 years and then later married my dad.
My grandmother had come to visit us and brought some pictures of my mom from the wedding to my brother’s dad. I saw them and decided to take one of the pictures of my mother. When my parents got married, since it was a second marriage for my mother, she did not have a big traditional wedding and so there are no pictures of her wearing a wedding dress.
My brother (M50) came over this past weekend and asked about the pictures. Apparently, my grandmother told him she was bringing the pictures for him when he realized I had taken one of the pictures. He got really mad about it and demanded I give it to him.
I didn’t feel like I needed to give it to him since it was just a picture of our mom. My mom offered to make him a copy and he said that I should have the copy and he have the original. He ended up leaving after telling me I was being a jerk about it.
I might be the jerk because it was a picture of my mom from his parents’ wedding day.
More info: there were 4 pictures. I took the one of just our mom in a wedding dress. I did not know my grandmother brought them for my brother when I did it.
She had already left for her house when I saw them and took one. My mom did know I had taken a photo. I wanted it because there are no photos of my mom in a wedding dress when she married my dad. Also, she was I think 20 years old in it.
She looked so young and pretty.”
Another User Comments:
“Mild YTJ. I understand you wanted a photo of your mother, but after finding out the photos were for your brother you should have given him the original and asked for a copy. You would still get a photo to keep and he’d get the originals of his parents’ wedding.
Your mother should have told you the same. Make or ask for a copy and return the photo. Having a photo of your shared mother in her wedding dress means something to him too. This isn’t a hill to die on.” TA32andstuck
Another User Comments:
“I always thought that people knew when they were a jerk. Like, how can’t you see you are the massive jerk in this situation?
Look at it this way: they wanted their father’s wedding photo and you stole from them. They were nice enough to let you have your own copy but you are entitled enough to say no. ”I did not know my grandmother brought them for my brother when I did it” and then you learned and did nothing about it.
So stop finding excuses. YTJ.” Ondrttr
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I truly don’t understand the other judgments. So because you came after, you’re not allowed anything of your mother’s in her previous life?! This is insane! It’s a picture of your mother in her 20s, so of course you can have it.
It’s YOUR mother! You didn’t take a picture of their dad! Geez!! Your brother reacted like a toddler. Your grandmother doesn’t get to distribute pictures of YOUR MOTHER with your mother having no say in it. The person who’s picture it is has a say.” deleted
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you didn’t know your grandma brought them for your brother. It’s likely your mom and their dad have other photos from the day. I don’t understand why the brother can’t have the copy. It seems really childish in his 50s to complain about having a copy.
Ultimately, I would take the copy to maintain peace, but I feel like it’s a ridiculous thing for him to have a tantrum about, especially since your mom seemed fine with it. Unless you acted intentionally maliciously at some point that was left out, I don’t see what the big deal is.” hollywoodbambi
6. AITJ For Feeding My Nephew Food That My Sister Refuses To Make For Him?
“I (23f) have a sister (27f) who just moved in with me 4 days ago. The thing with my sister is that she is a health nut. She goes to the gym 5/7 days of the week, eats only healthy and vegan food, and even makes my nephew (6m) follow the same rules minus the gym obviously.
She just got a new job and I offered to babysit her son while she works because I work from home and rarely leave the house. We haven’t gone grocery shopping to accommodate her needs yet due to her just starting work, and she refused to let me go to the store for her and pay for her groceries, so everything in the house is food that I bought.
My nephew told me around noon that he was hungry so I made him some chicken nuggets, fries, and fruit with a juice box. He ate all of it and asked for more fries, so I made him more. When my sister came home and asked him what he did today, he told her about the food that I made him for lunch, and my sister flipped saying that I wasn’t respecting her by giving him food that he isn’t allowed to have.
I tried to explain to her that I didn’t have much else in the house and that I also gave him fruit to balance, and she said I should’ve only given him the fruit, and instead of juice, only water. I told her that she was being too strict and that she needed to either loosen up or go grocery shopping.
I want to add that he IS ALLOWED to eat chicken, but she is mad because they were FROZEN chicken nuggets and fries that I cooked in the air fryer. She hates air fryers and NEVER allows him or herself to eat food that is stored in the freezer.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He was hungry, you fed him food that he wasn’t allergic to. She has expressly refused to allow you to buy them groceries, and she did not provide appropriate food for him. It’s understandable for a vegan to be upset he was given meat, but her reaction to the fries and other stuff was excessive.
Telling you to only give him fruit and water would get her put under CPS investigation if they heard that because that’s nowhere near enough calories for a child.” KittenSpangles
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister should have provided food for your nephew to eat at your house if she is so uptight about it.
From your post, your sister even refused to let you buy groceries for her. What are you supposed to do–let the nephew starve for the day? Parents who have restrictive rules for their child–and then don’t take steps to provide for their child under their own rules, but expect others to somehow work within those rules–are the worst.” Apprehensive_Ad_5246
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – but this arrangement is not going to work out. Sis needs a different house and a different sitter for her child – one she can control completely and for whom she is responsible for providing all supplies. But you would have to keep a careful eye on your nephew and how he grows since clearly she is OK pushing her food agenda over the health and well-being of her child and would happily let him go hungry as long as she could maintain her food prejudices – which is a short step from child neglect.” Seriouslydude-no-way
5. AITJ For Having My Partner Over Againt My Roommate's Wishes?
The roommate is being totally unreasonable.
“I (F20) am currently living with 3 other friends (all F18-20) on campus in an apartment-style suite. We all have our own rooms, and we share the kitchen/living room space.
At the beginning of the year, we made a roommate agreement (that we still have not signed altogether), where we set ground rules for the apartment.
One of them was from a particular roommate we’ll call Mary. She told us that if we want to have friends over at any time, just to give a heads up, but if we want to have significant others over at nighttime (not to stay the night, just to be over past sundown), that we should ask and get permission from the whole group.
She was very firm about the rule and has refused to budge on it.
Well, a whole semester has passed, and my girl has not gotten to stay over past sundown once. Every time I ask the group if it’s okay (which is very rare because I have severe anxiety), Mary either doesn’t respond or says no. I am at my wit’s end because Mary has friends over almost every night, and she doesn’t have to ask to have them over, no matter what time of day it is.
Yesterday, I asked the group if my girl could come over to watch a Marvel movie, and Mary said no. I cannot take it anymore, and I don’t understand why, but when I do ask her why, she gets very defensive. I am planning to have my girl over tonight anyway because we are always quiet and respectful of the space.
We never use the TV in the living room that I paid for, as well as all the streaming services on it. Since we still haven’t signed our roommate agreement, because Mary won’t respond every time we politely bring it up, I’m about to just throw in the towel and do what I want.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Mary doesn’t get to call the shots in the apartment you all share. The second I saw she has friends over without asking, that negates her whole “rule” she made for the place. Remind her of this, as well as how it’s technically your TV.
Do you pay for the streaming services alone or is that split between everyone? If it’s just you, change your password(s) so she can’t use it without asking first.” Caspian4136
Another User Comments:
“Are you paying for this place to live or is it by some miracle totally free to you?
Is your roommate showing that she may be bigoted against you and your girl? (That one honestly comes across as a “yes” just from this small tidbit into your life with Roommate.) If it isn’t in your lease, then tell her to shove it. She cannot set rules that she does not abide by.
Stop asking permission and do have your girl over. Just make sure it isn’t excessive since your girl doesn’t pay rent there NTJ.” semmama
Another User Comments:
“Mary has friends over but you can’t have a romantic partner over? Nope! Mary is homophobic or jealous or has some hangups that aren’t your problem to manage.
Make a clear statement that your girl will be coming over and then do it. You’re very young, but this is a good opportunity to learn that Mary cannot make you do anything you don’t want to do. She can say no all she wants; you don’t have to obey.
NTJ.” erinjeffreys
4. AITJ For Making A Joke About A Morbid Topic?
They just don’t get his sense of humor.
“I (M52) am unlikely to see 53.
I’m not looking for sympathy. I have always had a stupid sense of humor. And I am an atheist. When I die, I literally don’t care what they do with my body after they take the good parts.
My wife and kids are having a harder time dealing with what’s going to happen.
They are trying to get me to plan ahead. I have. I have made sure that my wife is taken care of. I got my brother to take my dogs. I am at peace.
But they won’t drop it. I have been clear multiple times that all I want is to be cremated and then tossed into the reservoir of a city I hate.
But this is not up to their standards. I finally snapped last week and told them I don’t care. I don’t care what they do when I’m gone. I said if they didn’t drop it I was going to have my nephew run me through a wood chipper as part of one of his weird art projects.
So this caused a big fight and prompted a call from my brother because my nephew is mad at me for dragging him into this situation. My wife and kids inferred that he had asked me if he could. He did not.
I feel bad about involving him, and my wife called me a heartless jerk.
My kids are mad at me. But I just can’t bring myself to care.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. No one understands what it’s like to know you’re closing the book until you’re actually there. Your family has already started the mourning process, and it’s clearly affecting them.
I remember when my aunt was in hospice at 47, about a month before she died. My mom and my other aunt were insistent upon planning her funeral with her. My aunt had already drawn up her own funeral plans a year prior, and she left the flowers and such to my mom and other aunt.
My dying aunt absolutely broke down and asked them to leave. It was heartbreaking, but thankfully they made up before she died.
Are you all in therapy together? It might be worth attending a few sessions or seeking out a death doula to work with you and your family.
All the best to you.” Leading_Cut_2135
Another User Comments:
“Nobody’s the jerk. Although, a word of caution regarding cremation. If you are going to divide ashes into a spread spot and among family members, make sure that you do it all at the same time.
My mother wanted to be cremated and scattered on a mountain in Colorado, but my dad wanted a place to visit her. We cremated my mom right after her funeral. When we got her back, my dad put half the ashes in a separate tin and we buried the urn in a graveyard with a headstone so we could visit her.
We agreed to honor her wishes and a year later we flew out to Colorado with her ashes. We hiked to a beautiful spot, said our prayers and a few kind words. To our horror, when it came time to release her ashes, they were as hard as a brick.
I had to get a rock to smash my mother’s ashes so that they could be scattered properly. I could only imagine what this looked like to bystanders and the rest of my family, but knowing my mom she’d be happy that she went out with a bang.
We called the funeral director to ask why that happened. He explained that ashes will harden into a brick when they are exposed to air. Normally people will scatter the ashes first and then divide the remaining ashes among family members.
If you intend to get cremated, tell your family to scatter you first, then divide you later.
If anything, please let my experience serve as a cautionary tale because the last thing you want to do is smash your loved one’s brick ashes into smithereens during an emotional moment.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“I gotta say YTJ. You say you’ve come to terms with it and are at peace.
You also say that you don’t actually care what happens to you after you die. Well, if you are at peace, then I feel like you should be using the time you have left to make your loved ones feel loved. They clearly have empathy for you, but it kinda seems like you can’t be bothered to have any for them.
I too am an atheist, and I know that once the neurons aren’t firing anymore, we’ll be all out of opinions, but what that means is that now is the time to make the most of what you got.
Contrary to popular belief, funerals aren’t for the dead; they are for the living to mourn and celebrate you.
I think you should care about that a bit more even if it means nothing to you from a spiritual point of view.” ChevCaster
3. AITJ For Speaking In My Mother Tongue At Home When My Son's Partner Is Over?
“I (41M) am originally American. I moved to Norway over two decades ago for school and met my wife (38F, Mary).
We have three kids (John 16M, 14F, and 13M). Mary and I both think being at least bilingual is a necessary skill, so we speak English in our home. The kids are free to speak in either English or Norwegian at home, and my wife will speak Norwegian about 50% of the time, but I speak English 99% of the time at home.
I do so because it both comes easier to me and I would hate to get rusty, plus it’s a nice respite from my work life where I seldom get to speak English.
A few months ago, John started seeing a girl (16F, Hannah), and he introduced her to the family in early December.
She’s a very sweet girl and has definitely been good for him. She seemed a bit quiet, but I didn’t really pay it any mind.
Until last Thursday. Hannah came over for dinner, and about halfway through, John was staring daggers at me. After dinner, Hannah left, and John said he needed to speak to me.
He told me that Hannah was too intimidated to speak and has felt excluded since she met me because her English isn’t the best. I asked if she was having a hard time understanding me and if so I could speak slower and more clearly.
He told me that wasn’t enough, and I needed to speak Norwegian so that she doesn’t feel like an idiot spectator in my presence. For context, both of his siblings still spoke Norwegian, and they were leading most of the discussion alongside Mary. I told my son that this is my home, and I will speak in the language I want, I can accommodate his girl in any other way, but this has been the agreement in our house since he was born.
He called me a stubborn jerk and said that this is Norway, people speak Norwegian, and that it was unfair that she should feel like an idiot just because she doesn’t speak my mother tongue.
Mary chimed in and said that he should give Hannah lessons if it was a big problem and that she could help him do so.
John said that wasn’t the point and then stormed off to his room. He hasn’t spoken to me since and both of his siblings said I should just speak Norwegian when she’s here. My wife is on my side and said he’ll get over it eventually but said if it really bothers me I should just concede.
My coworkers are split on the issue and so I’m here. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Nobody’s the jerk. I get why Hannah asked but it’s still YOUR home and this is what you usually do IN YOUR HOME. You don’t speak English just to annoy her or make her feel left out, you do it because it’s your mother tongue and it’s your home.
I’m also a foreigner living in Norway and we speak both English and Norwegian in our household (no children yet tho). But I work with children and I know that kids nowadays are generally very good in English, and she herself said that she has issues speaking English, so she can just reply in Norwegian.
“Said that this is Norway, people speak Norwegian.” And by the way, OP, this is commonly said by racists. I’d consider having a talk about him and the use of this phrase.” vibrant_fosfomycin
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You are deliberately making a guest in your home, your son’s girl feel uncomfortable and excluded. If you’re able to speak a language everyone in the room understands but choose to speak a language someone is not comfortably fluent in, that’s just rude.
Also, you’re encouraging your son to spend less time at home and telling him you don’t give a crap about his relationship or his girl.” miyuki_m
Another User Comments:
“My God, YTJ. Have you never had a guest before? Perhaps not. Let me explain.
A guest is someone who enters your home to spend time with you. The host typically tries to make the guest feel welcome and at home. A 41-year-old refusing to speak the native language of the country in which he is residing, thereby making a 16-year-old with uncertain English language skills feel uncomfortable, is a bad host and … face it … behaving like a bully.
Your comments about the importance of bilingualism are beside the point … I don’t think your teenage kids are going to lose their English language skills because you speak Norwegian for a few dinners. The jerkery of your attitude is off the charts.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“Nobody’s the jerk. It’s your home & you can speak in any language you like. His girl isn’t comfortable because it’s not her first language but your son is wrong in saying just because you’re in that country means you need to speak that language in your own home.
Imagine being in the US & telling someone from another country to speak English since they’re in the US! We all know how that goes & it would be bigoted. That said, she’s a guest, and you should make her feel comfortable unless you dislike her and would rather her not come over frequently.” zadidoll
2. AITJ For Making My Wife Deal With Our Baby After She Got Laid Off?
“My wife was unfortunately laid off last Thursday.
She is still technically working for the next 2 weeks but has no actual work stuff to do. She plans to go into the office for some of it just to prepare presentations for job hunting and to have a desk area to do that. I work from home and use the only desk setup we have.
Her job has always required her to go into the office so having two setups was never a factor.
When she was working, I would always have minded our 1 yo in the morning after my wife left until our nanny came back from dropping our 4yo to preschool.
I have a morning meeting at 9:30 every day and our 4 yo takes a while to get ready and get to school so there’s been plenty of days where I’m on my meeting with the video off muted and minding our 1yo for 5 to 10 minutes.
This morning, I asked her at 9:10 to mind our 1 yo so I could start work.
She was a bit upset that I was changing our usual schedule. I pointed out that it made sense given that she now has more flexibility.
This went back and forth for a while, to me it seemed pretty obvious that the person who doesn’t have any work commitments can take the 20-minute hit in the morning.
She’ll still be in the office from 10 to 4:30/5. She’s always, in my opinion, felt a need to act like she’s the busier of the two of us which is fine if it’s a typical workday. Currently, though, it’s a bit of a stretch to act like she’s busier than me.”
Another User Comments:
“I see your point of view, but some companies use tardiness or absenteeism to deny a severance package. She may not have work duties, but it doesn’t mean she isn’t being required to sit at her desk for two weeks in case something does come up in the transition.
20 minutes late with the wrong boss could cost an entire severance package. And it’s not really fair for OP to ask his wife to be 20 minutes late to work as she’s walking out the door.
I’m leaning towards ESH. She could have offered, but he should have asked at some point before this morning since it’s a change from their usual routine, and she isn’t exactly unemployed yet.” Ok-Aardvark-6742
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And telling from my own experience. I work for 7 months during the year, and for 5, I am free. When I work, I am spending a lot of time outside the house. We didn’t talk about it but somehow we have a deal – I do chores when I am not working and he does them (like 80%, I do some of them) when I am.
Also, he didn’t have a job for a year, and he did everything. And we don’t have kids, so I would assume that she should appreciate having more time with her kiddo now…” Imagine_the_change
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds as if you were already the one being hyper-flexible, juggling a work meeting and managing your kid before the nanny came in.
Yes, losing her job must be stressful for your wife, but taking care of your kid for a few minutes each day can also help her take her mind off that. Flexibility seems to be a big issue in your relationship – at least for your wife.
This will become a constant as she grows up, gets sick on school days, needs help on school assignments, etc etc. These things are best if dealt with and agreed on beforehand, rather than “in the moment.”” solstice38
Another User Comments:
“If the layoff was a surprise or executed in an underhanded way (sending an email overnight like Google did last Thursday to 12,000 employees) your wife hasn’t processed it yet.
She might be scrambling trying to see where she can find additional employment to afford things such as your nanny, mortgage, etc. If she was at the company long, she is mourning her loss— friends, connections, the feeling of accomplishment and sense of worth, etc. From your comments, you seem resentful that she didn’t automatically presume that she would shift into morning care.
People who have received a blow like a layoff aren’t going to be in the best place to shift their schedule immediately after. You should have spoken with her on Sunday about what you think the new expectations should be. You can’t just say 20 minutes before your meeting that she should watch the baby if she was preparing to go to her office.
I think your request to change the schedule is reasonable, but you have poor communication skills and you need to calmly address your concerns with her. I can’t exactly call you the jerk because we all sometimes expect our loved ones to read our minds.
You have to remember that they can’t. YTJ.” Om_Chianti
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, not for requesting the change but for springing it on her and then acting like she was unreasonable for not having a logical, thought-out response. I bet if you’d talked about it over the weekend, you’d have done something surprising like, DISCUSS it.
And, also? The “who’s busier” nonsense ends here. First, that’s not really a reasonable comparison. Humans are not one size fits all, we do not have the same needs and capacities. AND you are failing to consider (or mention) how much of a toll/how sudden the layoff is for your wife, how much downtime you each get, who at 5 watches the children, and who makes dinner, who washes up the dishes after, who gets the kids to bed, who buys the groceries, the clothing for the children, toilet paper, makes the kids’ doctor’s appointments, etc…
You work more hours. That does not mean you are busier, even with a nanny to handle a bunch of it.” HalcyonDreams36
1. AITJ For Refusing To Ever Watch My Younger Sibling?
“I (21M) work as an electrician apprentice, and share an apartment with two roommates. My parents (both 46) also have my brother (9 months). He was born a bit after I moved out, though that’s not why I did so.
My parents have been really stressed out, they both work full-time but have a hard time getting the money for childcare, so they’re burnt out and desperate for help. Naturally, they’ve been asking me almost every week if I would mind coming over on one of my days off to watch him while they get out of the house.
I always refuse.
I’m childfree (not that I could afford a child right now anyway) but have nothing against them, I’m not one of those CF people who can’t be in the same room with someone under 13 without freaking out. I hate TAKING CARE of kids.
I tried babysitting my cousins as a teen and hated it, and have no interest in doing it again, as I’ve told my parents multiple times. What’s more, while I have nothing against my brother, I’m not really interested in having a sibling relationship with someone young enough to be my son.
They called me again last week, the same request, and I was sick of being asked, so I told them something along the lines of, “I’ve told you dozens of times that I’m not watching him and never will. He’s your responsibility, I don’t live there anymore, I don’t need to babysit for free.
You’re free to have as many kids as you want, that doesn’t mean I have to be friends with them. Either stop asking or stop calling.” And I hung up. I haven’t heard a word from them since, and worry I may have been too harsh.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, they already had you and (hopefully) spent 18+ years raising you. They should know by now that having a kid is a huge responsibility and not something you can pawn off to other people. You’re an adult now, you don’t have to do what they tell you.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“Generally, NTJ for not wanting to watch a child that is not yours. Especially when it comes to infants, not everybody is comfortable watching them. However, I feel like there is more going on here. – You say that your parents are burnt out and desperate for help, and yet you not only refuse to help them every single time but even state that you will never help them in the future.
You say that you don’t want any kind of relationship with your brother. You even go as far as saying “stop asking or stop calling.” Your post almost reads like you have been an only child for 20 years, and suddenly having a brother has shifted your relationship with your parents.
Is it possible that you are jealous? Or has your relationship with your parents been bad before your brother was born? Because judging from the words you’re using, it sure sounds like your relationship isn’t the best right now.” Ok-Food-6996
Another User Comments:
“Like your younger brother, I am also a bonus baby.
(I was definitely not planned and my mom had me when she was 32). All my siblings moved out by the time I was 12, so I was pretty much an only child in that respect. It made me sad to have almost no relationship with them.
I tried for a long time, then gave up. (They all miraculously started valuing a relationship with me a few years ago when their own children started leaving home. Go figure.) I am child-free by choice (I am older than your parents). It’s not that I don’t like children; I just never thought I’d make a good mother.
I understand that your younger brother is not your responsibility, and you have your own life. But as someone who has been on the receiving end of that, I urge you to rethink not wanting a relationship with him as he grows up.
YTJ for your attitude towards your younger brother.” CreativeMisuse
Another User Comments:
“Unpopular opinion:
The only way you’re NTJ here is:
1. If you’re not willing to babysit for the sake of the child (i.e. you don’t know how to care for a baby and fear for his wellbeing)
2. Unless your parents were bad to you, you’re estranged, and that’s what prompted you to move out.
Otherwise, I’d say you’re the jerk here. Just because you’re childfree and absolutely hate babysitting, doesn’t mean you can’t help your parents in their time of desperation. Maybe reflect on how much they’ve helped you in your desperate times or just how much they’ve done for you period.
The whole “sucks to be you, but that’s your problem and not mine” mentality is a pretty crappy way to deal with your parents who are begging for your help and presumably helped you a lot in life. For everyone that’s thinking, “Well, they shouldn’t have had another kid so late in life.” I get it.
I’m assuming at their age it wasn’t intended.
I would also argue, would it kill the OP to sacrifice a tiny bit of his free time to make them extremely grateful and help them get some rest? Whether or not you want a relationship with your brother is not the issue for me, it’s how much of a good son are you willing to be for your parents.
Being a parent myself, if my son came at me like you did in this scenario. I’d feel pretty betrayed.” darkrowst
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