People Ask For Advice About Their Gripping "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
16. AITJ For Saying I Don't Want To Babysit?
“My mom is married to John. John has two daughters who are 10 and 8. John has full custody since their mom is a deadbeat. My dad died 5 years ago and it was me and my mom until she met John.
I’m 16. Mom and John have asked me to babysit occasionally. Normally on a Friday or Saturday night/afternoon and it’s usually for about 5-6 hours. When I say they ask, I mean they essentially tell me, because saying no results in me being told without worthwhile to their plans I have to.
John asked me yesterday why I say no to babysitting. I told him it was because I don’t want to babysit. Which has started chaos. He said part of being a family is doing stuff you don’t want to do.
He also said that time with my siblings should be positive. I told him they’re my stepsiblings, not my siblings, and I didn’t choose to be put in a position where I needed to babysit.
My mom told me it was mean to say. I told her to be grateful I don’t put up more of a fight when they make me and just accept if they didn’t force it I wouldn’t do it.
They are so annoyed at me saying I don’t want to.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But honestly, I’d change my work schedule. I know you said that means you miss out on friends but aren’t you anyway? I wouldn’t reward someone treating me like crap but at 16 there is only so much you can realistically do.
Can you arrange some shorter work shifts and have plans directly afterward? ‘I’m working Friday after school at 4:30. Susan asked if I wanted to grab a bite to eat on our way home when I get off so I’ll be home by 10:30’ or whatever.
Arrange to spend the night with friends maybe once a month. If they ask you to babysit, decline and say you’re spending the night at X’s house and you’re their ride home from school that day.
If they try to force you to cancel plans ask them ‘do you want me to call and have X tell her parents I won’t be there after all because I’m forced to babysit for no pay so you can have a night out again?’ Sometimes knowing others know what they are doing is enough to make them pause.
You’ll be 18 in a couple of years. Do you have plans for what you’ll do at that point? Because it would be worth your mental health to have a plan that doesn’t require full dependency on them, I’m getting the feeling it will have a lot of strings for you.
I know others have asked about how often this is etc. But I don’t think it matters. If you have plans that you’ve communicated and they are asking you to cancel so they can go out (not an emergency etc.) then that’s wrong.
The burden isn’t on a teenager to rearrange their life for childcare issues. That’s on the parents.” angel2hi
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I have 3 children (17f, 15m, and 6m) that I share custody 50/50 with their dad and my partner has 2 kids (9m and 4f) that we have full time because their mother is a deadbeat.
We have an agreement with my 17 yo that she’ll sit with the kids if we need to run to the store or it’s something necessary like working or a Dr’s appointment.
If we want her to sit with them because we want to do something fun we pay her (usually 20 to 50 depending on how long we’re gone but we rarely go out).
I make sure to ask her way ahead of time. And by sitting with the kids I mean ‘make sure the house doesn’t burn down and no one dies’ tho she’s pretty good about doing stuff with them like playing dolls with the 4 yo or having a movie night.
We also try to go out after bedtime when it’s for fun.
17yos dad, on the other hand, makes her babysit the 6yo all the time promising he’ll pay her and then he never does (because he’s terrible with finances, but that’s no longer my problem) and he won’t take no for an answer.
He’ll just leave. I feel so bad for her but there’s nothing I can do.
If you don’t like babysitting you don’t like it. It’s not for everyone. It’s exhausting and a lot of work and mostly boring.
These are his kids, not yours. You are in no way obligated to help and there’s nothing wrong with saying how you feel about it. Especially if they’re forcing you.
The only thing I’d caution you on is what you say around the kids.
Kids pick up on EVERYTHING you say and their mother has already basically abandoned them. So yes, absolutely tell your mom how you feel about it, but please don’t in front of the little kids.
If you don’t like them that’s fine but your best option around them is indifference and, as we say in my house, it’s not the kid’s fault they have idiots for parents.
Also, I’m sorry you’re put into this position and I hope you can find a suitable compromise.” TGWKTADS
Another User Comments:
“Reminds me of my stepdad. After my parents divorced, my mother started going out with him.
Technically, she’s seen a few people first, but I ran them off. Didn’t like them but I liked him. He was very cool to me.
I am 9 years older than my younger brother.
And to give an idea of how much I helped with him, his daycare would call me his mom when I picked him up. Annoyed me to no end.
Well, I was invited by friends to go camping one weekend and let my mom know I would be gone.
I was 18 but lived at home so I always told her if I would be leaving. That Friday she tells me I have to take him with me as she had plans with her significant other (stepdad before they were married).
We get into a heated argument. As I was always helping with him and watching him on weekends.
The guy walks in and asks why we are fighting. She tells him. He looks me dead in the eye and says, ‘You have fun with your friends.
We’ve got your brother.’ Then looks at mom and says, ‘She’s 18 and constantly watches him for us. She deserves to have a life too. She has plans. We can take him.’
Best Bonus Dad Ever.” Last_Caterpillar8770
15. AITJ For Only Paying For Myself For A NYE Dinner With My Fiancé's Family?
“I f32 just got engaged to my fiance m37 Sam. We do not live together because we’re waiting till marriage given he and his family are highly conservative Christians but they’re really nice and loveable people.
I had plans to spend NYE with Sam but he said he was out for an NYE dinner celebration with his parents then called me again inviting me to join them and I happily did.
His parents were there, they welcomed me and ordered many dishes and desserts and drinks. We celebrated and had a great time that is until it was time to pay.
I pulled my wallet out of my bag letting them know that we’ll split the check between us.
Sam mumbled ‘no you don’t have to, we invited you’ but I insisted. He and his parents then stared at me; I asked what was wrong and both MIL & FIL said they didn’t have money on them.
I was shocked. I turned to Sam and he said he too forgot his wallet at home and didn’t bring enough to cover even one round of drinks. His dad then laughed nervously ‘aright so guess we should let the doctor pay!!’ I was taken aback.
I said I’m sorry but no this is just too much to spend on one dinner by myself and I didn’t think I was expected to pay the entire bill. Sam said I should pay and he’d pay me back later but I said no since I know he will have to get a job to pay that much.
I said I’m sorry but this isn’t the first time I’ve been put in this situation by him and his family where I’m expected to rescue them after they somehow forgot their wallets and expect others to pay hundreds for their extravagant dinner.
I told them I’ll only pay for what I had and that’s it, he and his parents were shocked. They started arguing about how I had the potential to pay right there and then but I was acting as if they were strangers, not family but that doesn’t mean I’m obligated to pay, how could someone go out to a fancy restaurant, order so many dishes, desserts and drinks without bringing money? Sam begged that I just do it and call it a night but I refused.
The argument got heated then I got up and walked out.
Sam called later at 2 am basically yelling that I ruined NYE celebration and made his parents suffer because I refused to pay the entire bill and instead acted selfishly and paid only for myself after they were gracious enough to invite me.
I told him how unfair it was for me to pay. Even if I have a good salary, it doesn’t mean I want to spend it all on fancy dinner. He didn’t reply he just said he’ll pray that his parents will let this go and not resent me after I basically damaged the relationship with them.
I felt awful thinking I should’ve covered the bill instead of leaving. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but based on their response and the fact they’ve done this sort of thing multiple times, they are definitely using you for your riches.
Do not marry this man. Get out while you still can.
Also, they are not actually conservative Christians if they are willing to manipulate you and steal your funds multiple times. Your fiance is using that line to avoid moving in with you and to make them seem like better people than they are.
These are not nice people. Nice people do not lie, manipulate, and steal from you repeatedly.
EDIT: To clarify misunderstandings: it’s definitely on-brand with people who claim to be Christian and use their religion to justify malicious behavior, hate, etc.
Most of these specific ‘Christians’ call themselves conservative Christians and do little with their religion other than to use it to justify their own behavior and try to somehow avoid a ‘fiery damnation.’ However, if they actually followed the tenants of their supposed beliefs (Christianity), they would not be behaving this way.
Unfortunately, the majority of people claiming to be Christian nowadays fall into this category to varying degrees either due to greed, hedonism, or laziness. While the population is largely no longer ignorant due to illiteracy as in Medieval times with the Catholic Church, the majority is still easily manipulated through nothing more than sheer laziness – studying their own religious text to understand it is difficult and time-consuming, so why do that when you can just listen to someone who promises salvation through donation or just spouts the same misinterpretations to cement your own (faulty) beliefs? My comment was tongue in cheek that these people are no more Christian than other similar people who call themselves such.” Affectionate-Show331
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Honestly especially considering this isn’t the first time and how he’s reacting now, he’s only in it for the money. I would not be with someone who not only would not defend me but also would expect that of me multiple times and tell me to just get over it.
I guarantee you they have their wallets because they need their IDs at the minimum if they’re going to be drinking, also maybe for one person to go out without a wallet is understandable but for the entire family to go out and no one has a wallet???? Yeah right!
Before breaking up with him I would entertain myself first by telling him if we’re going to get married there’s going to be a prenup, I would say that no matter how long we’ve been married if we ever divorce for whatever reason he can never have anything I already had, I would also put it that he can never get alimony for what we got during the marriage, and I would say that all bank accounts will always be separate.
I think you said something about him not having a job? I would say he also has to get a job before you get married. Do this in a public setting just in case he gets violent (I’ve seen posts where the gold digger gets violent and it has been a man who was the gold digger), and then see how he reacts to all of this information.
He’s already showed you that you deserve better, but there’s nothing like sprinkles on top of the whipped cream to give some more proof of what he’s really like.
You deserve better, dump and block him.
Make sure you have everything in order, he can’t damage any of your belongings he may have, change locks if he has a key, in general, get security cameras with night vision and audio for your own protection and if anyone asks why you broke up to tell them the truth, he didn’t love you, just your money.
Good Luck and Please keep us updated!!! Happy New Year!!!!” DifficultParty2502
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Honestly, his family isn’t lovable or nice. They are jerks who expect the doctor to cover everything all the time and your finance went right along with it.
He isn’t religious. That’s not why you aren’t living with him. You’re not living with him so you can’t see how he would be taking advantage and using you 100% of the time.
He doesn’t work. My guess is he doesn’t cook or clean either. Oh, he may right now to make it look good. My guess is he lives with mom and dad still.
Because how could he afford rent? HE DOESN’T WORK!!!
Op listen this is your life. You need to really think about how you want it to go. Do you want to spend it with someone who thinks it’s ok to stick you with a dinner bill that’s hundreds of dollars, because hey you’re a doctor! Or would you rather be with someone who respects you, has a job, and takes care of himself and you.
If you stay with this man, he will use and abuse you. He already is. He’s blaming you for the dinner fiasco. Which wasn’t your fault. He’s gaslighting you. He’s emotionally abusing you.
He’s mentally abusing you. Do you really think life will be good with this man?
I can tell you from experience that no it won’t. Get out now before you sink hundreds of thousands of dollars on a worthless man.
Who is too lazy to work or care for your needs. Anything he does now for you? Is to suck you in. Anytime he turns situations into your fault is his true nature.
This dinner is just the tip of the iceberg. Break the engagement off. Block him on everything. And make sure he can never gain access to you or anything of yours. Change passwords, pins, all of it. This man is trash.” sassybsassy
14. AITJ For Taking Funds From A Church As An Atheist?
“My friend (M18) and I (M18) were in desperate need of community service hours for scholarships last year. So, we began volunteering at the local church in production. We both stuck at it for quite a while, but after my friend got his hours, he left.
I stayed volunteering there for a while longer, then the production director offered me a semi-lucrative paid offer. Because of a lot of church drama that I will not get into, the process of getting hired was extremely difficult, so I would be treated like a staff member, but I was technically just a production contractor.
When I began my internship, it was only a four-person team, including myself. Though shortly after I began contracting, an intern from a different department moved over to production. She (F18) and I hit it off and started going out.
Going into the relationship, I knew that she was a Christian, but I did not think she was as serious about her faith as she was. After a few months of going out, it became more and more clear that her faith is a central part of her life, so I scheduled a time to talk before service, and I told her.
As you may have guessed, she broke up with me later that day.
Throughout that day, we had on and off arguments regarding the ethics of ‘taking’ funds from a church as an atheist.
From my perspective, I feel that faith is not required in my line of work. Primarily, I work with lighting and video, programming lights for a service, or making lyric videos.
Personally, I don’t think there is an ‘atheist’ way to program lights or an ‘atheist’ way to make a lyric video in the context of my work. She argued that it was unethical because the donors donate to the church with the intention of supporting other Christians, and since I’m not a Christian, then I am unethically using donations.
Also, she mentioned that I am not tithing, so my actions are even more unethical, framing me as someone who is only in it for the money.
Since this, she has informed me that many of her Christian friends also think I’m in the wrong.
Also, I suspect she or one of her friends tried to take the law into their own hands by reporting to my boss’s boss that I was/maybe an atheist, probably in an attempt to get me fired.
This caused an awkward conversation between my boss and me, but this has almost completely blown over at work, as I have since gotten a significant raise and a possible bigger raise on the way.
After a very long argument with my parents, I finally confessed that I was an atheist. My mom was dumbfounded and my dad was angry, though, they both agreed that I should quit my job because it’s unethical to ‘take’ donations as an atheist.
Things have been pretty awkward between my parents and me since I came clean about why she and I actually broke up.
I’m not sure how to feel about all of this.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she was majorly out of line and to get friends involved is really inappropriate. And your employer cannot discriminate on the basis of religion or lack thereof.
Anyway, it might be worth pointing out to the manager that there’s an HR issue as you’re being bullied by a workmate (ex) and she has involved other colleagues. Church or not, bullying in the workplace shouldn’t be tolerated.
To be honest the employer probably hopes that your exposure to the church will spark some faith after a while so be aware of that in the long term. Perhaps throw in the line to HR ‘if this is how people with faith behave… why would I want to be like that?’ Because they’re being terrible examples (plus this is probably all because you broke up.)
Ps… Breaking up with someone right before a show, at work… Pretty bad form.
Might be better to have these conversations at another place and time in future.” FriendlyMum
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you’re a worker. You do your job and they pay you. You’re not taking donations, you’re doing your job.
You’re not making your lack of religion an issue, so it sounds like this isn’t a problem.
If your job needed you to be Christian like if you were in charge of Bible study, everyone might have point.
But it sounds like religion doesn’t really matter for what you’re doing.” FancyPantsDancer
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. At all. Do they really think that every builder, plumber, grass cutter, the delivery person believes as they do? I know Jews and Muslims that teach at Catholic schools, all they ask is that you don’t teach them things that go against Catholic teaching.
Are you teaching the lights how to get an abortion? No? Good.
I know atheists that clean priest robes.
I know a pagan that gets paid a lot to go into old crumbling churches and redo all the old plasterwork.
He is booked out for years.
They got it all backward. It would be unethical for a Christian to lie and say they were an atheist to get a job. This idea that you are being unethical is laughably false.
If your boss doesn’t have a problem with it, why should they? Surely the boss knows better than what the church accepts.
Remind them that they believe in Matthew 7: 1-3 and you are giving them a great opportunity to practice that.” loginorregister9
Also, most denominations open their support to people of all religious faiths. Everyone has the potential to be "in need" and any help is better than none.
13. AITJ For Saying Donations Don't Count As Gifts?
“So this year a group of my friends got together and celebrated Christmas as we hadn’t been able to see one another due to the global situation. Because we hadn’t been able to get together as a group in close to 2 years we decided to get everyone a small gift with a $30 limit per gift.
Everything was going fine until one of my friends handed out her gifts which were thank you cards for our donation to a charity that provides aid for disadvantaged families in Africa.
I didn’t say anything at the time but the next day while talking to one of my other friends who was there we agreed it was a bad thing to do.
Well, the friend who made the donation found out we’d said that and called me upset and it led to an argument where she called me selfish and greedy and I called her egotistical for using what was supposed to be a rare occasion where we actually give gifts to one another into a chance to pat herself on the back.
I said if she wanted to donate she could have asked us to make that our gift to her instead of making it out to be a gift to us. I also pointed out most of us would have probably made a donation ourselves because it’s a good cause.
I don’t have a problem with what the money is being used for I just have a problem with how she gave the money.
She thinks I’m a jerk and my wife agrees with me but also thinks talking about it doesn’t actually accomplish anything.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: as others said she could have asked for her gift to be donated or ask where you support.
I’m always a bit wary of such gift donations because well I have used them to be the jerk so I deserve it.
My dad married his third wife in my mid-20s.
She is 9 years older than me. His second wife was 18 months older than me. He is a predator, was an abusive neglectful dad to me and at 25 I still desperately wanted him to care about me so I went to the wedding.
I was a makeup artist so I gifted the bride and bridal party the makeup only for her to tell them all I was hired help not her ‘step daughter’ and I had been made to buy my own flight to my home country despite having been homeless a few months earlier.
So as my gift to the happy couple I sponsored some goats in Africa. Gave them the little stuffed goats the charity send with like wedding toppers on and basically say that since they were not able to help me when in need as saving for their wedding I would pay it forward.
Funnily enough, no one had realized they had not helped his homeless disabled daughter and I’m not sure if it was that bombshell or the fact I had the goats named for their pet names for each other that caused such a reaction.
We no longer speak but just before I cut contact about a decade after the wedding I learned that the charity was not kidding when they said ‘goat for life’. They get a letter from the offspring of the original goats every single year on their wedding anniversary.
It’s been 17 years and they are still getting goat mail.
I regret nothing but yeah I ruined charity gifts for myself by the weapons-grade jerk move I picked. Most people do them to show off.
But nope, I am my father’s daughter when it comes to being a petty pompous jerk at times.” IFeelMoiGerbil
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is really inappropriate if it wasn’t discussed and agreed upon by all attendants long before the actual event.
You are right, if she wanted to make a donation, she should have asked for her gifts to her to be a donation to the cause of her choosing. She literally decided for everyone else that their gift would be to not get anything but for that money to go to a cause of her choosing whilst she is the one who received gifts from the 7 other attendants when everyone else got 6 gifts (and the ‘donation’).
If people want to gift me a donation, which I think is a ridiculous idea, to begin with, I want to choose the charity and I 100% would have chosen a totally different cause.
Also, do you know she actually donated that amount?” Wonderful_Ad968
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I have no problem with donations as gifts since I usually go out and buy what I want anyway since I’m ‘so hard to shop for’ (I’m not.
My family doesn’t understand the things I’m into (anime, d&d, fantasy, etc)) but I specify that I want to pick who they donate to since so many of the ‘well known’ charities usually just spend the donations on advertising or doing more harm to the cause than actually helping.
(Had this happen to me with a few donations my family tried to donate in my name and had to set them straight on those)
This does seem to be a pat on her back more than anything, and if this were to happen to me, I would just start doing the same when giving them gifts by doing donations but asking what charity to donate to.
It usually gets the point across to be more thoughtful on the person’s input when giving donations as gifts or makes them rethink on how they do donations like this for ‘clout’.” RiddlePanda
12. AITJ For Refusing To Change Our Plans For Our Children So My Sister Can Keep Up?
“My husband and I are upper-middle-class, We both have two stable careers with salaries around 140K – 160K and my husband received an inheritance which allowed us to buy a house outright.
We have two children and my eldest goes to a private school and we are planning to send our younger one to the same school.
My parents were not very enthusiastic about the idea but I told them we were not going to budge.
My younger sister is pregnant with her first child and my parents are now pressuring me again to send them to a public school. They are arguing that it will be better for them and make them more grounded individuals but I pushed back again and shut this discussion down and the real reason came out.
My sister is heartbroken that her children will not receive the same opportunities mine will, my parents are telling me that I am being a snob for rejecting public school so vehemently when I went to one myself.
This conversation didn’t end well and I told them that my husband and I were not going to change our plans to make my sister feel better. I do feel that this particular private school is much better than public school and my children will be better off here.
My parents told me they will cut me off the will and my sister has stopped returning my calls.
I feel bad because the only reason we are able to afford to send our children to private school is because of the inheritance.
It has put us in a great position and not only do we not have to pay the mortgage but we also got a head start on savings because of the inheritance.
I feel like I am walking away from my family over school and I can’t help but feel guilty that I am giving up on my family.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I think we’ve all found the golden child.
Just because your parents want to continue babying your sister doesn’t mean you have to.
She is the parent. It has absolutely positively nothing to do with you where how why she raises her children and the same goes for yours.
Let’s be honest here. Your parents don’t have a problem with the private school. They have a problem with coddling your sister and expecting you to do the same. None of it has anything to do with any of the children.
Mark my words, they’re all going to badger you to foot the bill for her kids when they come of age. Expect more guilt-tripping when they become school age. See your kids in clothes they like.
Gaming console yours get for Christmas. College fund, etc. Do not give in.
My husband and I are very comfortable but couldn’t justify sending our 3 to private but would have loved to.
My sister and bil each are founding partners in law firms and bil is a politician to boot. They are insanely successful and their kids have a lot of benefits in life because of it.
It. Has. Absolutely. Nothing. To. Do. With. Me. And my kids know that. They have always known that their aunt and uncle are able to afford these things and hold zero resentments.” Minute_Box3852
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
And unfortunately, your sister has unfounded insecurities. I hope she reads this. This whole post has some weird elitist and class-based feelings about private school. I have a Ph.D. in Education from a top-tier research university and 10 years of teaching experience before higher education.
I’m in the process of adopting, and my husband and I earn more than you, but I would never choose a private school. The curricular choices are not ones that I would support.
They segregate students and do not paint a picture of reality. Teachers are most often underpaid and have fewer qualifications at private schools. Some of the only benefits are smaller class sizes and the ability to kick kids out.
Additionally, private schools often face disciplinary issues that they never have to report. Nothing beats a quality public school with quality well-credentialed teachers. It’s America and you’re free to throw your funds away on private school, but I’m literally an expert and I think it’s incredibly foolish.
I am not aware of research that supports your decision. Students who have involved parents will succeed in any public school, even the ‘worst’ ones.” PhDTeacher
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You get to send your kids to the school you want to.
The cousins do not need to be in the same schools or have the same opportunities. In addition to everything else everyone has been mentioning, the school you send your kids to may not even be a good match for your sister’s child.
Families should do what works best for their own kids.
That said, I hope that you’re not making nasty comments about public schools in general. Finances were very tight when I had my child, and I made a friend who was much better off financially.
She sent her kids to very expensive private schools, which was fine, but she would really trash public schools. It was insulting because I was exclusively a public school kid from kindergarten to my master’s degree at a state university.
I really value public schools, and I wished (silently) that she would send her kids to the local public schools because they would’ve benefited so much from her involvement. We lived in a major urban area and there were lots of different public schools. It wasn’t as though there were no good public schools she could’ve selected. Again, her choice, but the nasty comments about the quality of public schools were unnecessary.” zepuzzler
11. AITJ For Being Upset That My Mom Invited My Brother Over For Christmas?
“My (f28) brother (38) borrowed $300 from me last October for his business and promised to return it after a week. We’re not in the US so $300 is basically worth over half of my monthly salary.
I did not have that much at that time and he said that he urgently needs it so I borrowed from my coworker whose business is lending funds with 10% interest.
A week has passed and I asked him where the payment is. His excuse was it’s a holiday and the banks were closed so he’ll just pay me after a week.
My coworker is already asking for the payment so I paid for it with my own funds since I happened to receive my 13th-month pay that time and I don’t want him to accumulate much more interest.
Up to this day, he hasn’t paid me yet and stopped giving me updates after 2 weeks of him borrowing. He has been calling our mom though telling her that he can’t really talk to me cause he’s too embarrassed to admit that he doesn’t have the funds to pay me.
All this while I see his family going on out-of-town trips and eating out. I was planning to use the funds to buy a second-hand laptop so I can find a better-paying job but all my plans were put on hold because of him.
Also, he doesn’t know that I have already paid for it.
I and my younger sister used up all our remaining budget to buy food for Christmas only for us here in our household (me, my mom, dad, son, sis) and without asking us, my mom has invited my brother and his family for Christmas.
To be fair, they have always spent Christmas here but the thing is they never brought food with them and my sis-in-law barely helps with preparing the food. We have always been nice to them despite all that especially my mom since my brother is her favorite.
Right now tho, I feel so betrayed and disrespected with her inviting them over knowing what he did to me. I am a single mom so it hurts even more. I haven’t been speaking to my mom but it makes me feel bad, it’s just money and I shouldn’t be prioritizing it over family but it is a really huge amount for me.
My son and I weren’t able to enjoy a single cent from my 13th month’s pay. AITJ for being upset with my mom and not really wanting to see them for Christmas?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your brother borrowed with the promise of paying back, which he clearly has no intention of doing. He also doesn’t contribute to the event, even though you are almost unable to afford to host him.
He doesn’t seem like he values you very much, and you shouldn’t be forced to spend the holidays with someone who screwed you over.” TinyRascalSaurus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you brother is.
He promised to pay you back and he should make good on it. Charge him the interest for however long it takes for him to pay you back.” mizfit0416
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ, these are all valid feelings.
You are allowed to feel hurt and betrayed by your brother not putting your repayment as a priority. After all, he did promise to repay in a week. I would never lend him anything again. Sucks that your brother is the golden child.” SystemConfident399
10. AITJ For Canceling Plans With My Brother And Possibly Ruining Christmas?
“My brother (M21) is nonreligious and often very critical of my family for our religion. He has a lot to say about how problematic, intolerant, and bigoted we are. Usually, we just let him say it and don’t respond, there’s nothing we’ve ever been able to say that he hasn’t somehow manipulated into something horrible.
He puts words in our mouths, takes innocent comments, and spins them, taking every opportunity to make himself a victim. He will do things like refuse to eat with us, not tell us why, and then later accuse us of out-casting him and not letting him even eat with us because we hate him for being atheist.
He has verbally abused my family and me for as long as I can remember. It has been very traumatic, but I’ve done my best to forgive him and continue to pursue a relationship.
Today, we agreed to go see the new Spiderman movie together tomorrow, because he hadn’t seen it and he’d shouted at me earlier when I was telling mom and dad about it.
He said I was ruining it for him even though he was the one who walked into the conversation and chose to stay, so I said I’d go with him tomorrow so he wouldn’t have to worry about anyone ruining it.
However, I don’t want to go with him anymore.
Tonight, at dinner, while my family was praying, he started loudly serving himself food. When we finished praying my mother mentioned he had clanked his bowl loudly in her ear and asked him not to do it again, he got angry and accused us of trying to force our religious standards on him by making him wait to eat until after he prayed.
He said it’s his religious freedom not to wait, and we agreed but said it was about respect and we were hurt as his family, not as members of our religion.
He said we don’t deserve respect, and that it’s not respect because it’s forcing him into our faith. We argued we didn’t make him pray with us, we only asked him not to interrupt us while we were praying.
He continued to argue and when I said I didn’t want to argue because this was the first time in forever I’d been home and I wanted to enjoy it, he called me horrendous things, calling me out for being an ‘ignorant fanatic who denies science’ because I don’t receive many shots.
I’m mostly unimmunized due to a very severe allergy to most immunizations, and I have multiple medical exemptions to prove this. But, he continued to use my lack of shots to call me unkind things and imply ignorance and bigotry, saying I’m lying about the allergies.
At this point, I’m angry and hurt. He is talking about respect, but he can’t even respect my physical health, something I have no control over! I don’t want to go to this movie with him anymore, I’m furious and hurt.
But, my mom is afraid that if I call it off my brother will become even angrier and have more ammunition. She’s probably right, and she and my dad will have to take the brunt of it.
I don’t want to be selfish and put them in that position, but I feel like I need some way of standing up for myself. WIBTJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like you’re on a hiding to nothing whatever you do.
You cannot do the right thing for him because he is absolutely determined that, whatever you and your parents do, you are in the wrong and he would find something to come at you with.
Don’t go to the movie with him. You know you won’t enjoy it and he will find something wrong with your behavior, attitude, enthusiasm, seat choice, popcorn choice, soft drink flavor, the film, the lighting, the special effects, the casting blah de blah.
Regarding your religion, he needs to grow up and realize that religion (including atheism) is a very personal choice that needs to be respected. He doesn’t have to buy into it but he needs to not be a raging jerk about it.
HE’S the one being bigoted and intolerant, as well as lacking even the tiniest modicum of decency and good manners.
Maybe you could suggest to him that if he finds you, your parents, and your lives so terribly, terribly offensive, he needs to take himself off and be with people who think the same way he does.
Yes, your parents will be hurt (and he will use it as yet another instance of ‘his bigoted family turning against him and casting him out’ etc etc, but this situation simply isn’t sustainable.
You’re all putting up with his nonsense for the sake of ‘family’ but he obviously doesn’t care.” hetkleinezusje
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but why are you all putting up with this. If my brother did this to me, I would be very low LC with him.
Your brother is argumentative and disrespectful to all of you. This has nothing to do with religion, he only uses that because it is an easy way to get to you.
He loves stirring up the pot for his own amusement. You need to set boundaries about his behavior and not let him cross them. If he behaves, he can stay, otherwise, he needs to go.” poncanach
Another User Comments:
“My brother was exactly like this.
It wasn’t so much that he was anti-religion to the point of hating ALL religion the way your brother does, but he was this insecure atheist who had a huge victim complex and decided that everyone was out to convert him back to Christianity.
Didn’t matter what people did, even if they weren’t Christian, but just more socially or politically conservative/gentler, he saw them as a threat and was horrible to them.
Once, my mother asked him to be gentler on the silverware because he bent a spoon and he threw the worst fit and accused her of trying to spread her religious morals onto him.
It’s just childish victim-mentality manifesting through religion and politics because those are two very easy areas to throw barbs and really make people uncomfortable.
YWNBTJ for not doing this with him, if he’s been physically abusive in the past and hasn’t changed, stay as far away from him as possible.” mistake_sendhelp
9. AITJ For Giving My Partner An Ultimatum For His Brother?
“My partner and I are both in our late 30s, his brother is in the early ’30s. My partner (Mario) and I have been together for over 2 years and lived together for about a year and a half.
We moved in too soon, perhaps, but honestly, our relationship is great (minus a few hiccups cuz pobody’s nerfect). Except for the problem with his brother.
Mario and bro moved to our location about 3ish years ago.
The plan was that bro, Luigi, was to get his own place max 6 months after moving. They rented a 1 bedroom and Luigi took up the living room with his bed/computer set up.
And he just did nothing, no job, no help. They relied on their parents’ support, and Mario’s savings, but Luigi wouldn’t even speak to them. He claims abuse, but I don’t know.
He cries foul about a LOT of things. And everything is their parents’ fault. Never had a job? Parents fault. Never cleaned up? Parents fault. His mother hired a maid because she couldn’t clean up after them all.
Mario has told me he never saw any abuse.
Anyway, cue me moving in. When I moved in, I was upfront with Mario – I do not want to live with Luigi long-term.
He’s rude to me, and more. Mario agreed. We moved apartments about 8 months later with Luigi in tow. Still, a 1 bedroom because at the time we couldn’t afford 2.
However now, we’re looking at 2 bedrooms and want to move my child in with us.
I’ve encouraged Mario to basically stand up for himself and draw healthy boundaries. He’s been trying.
Luigi will sit there while Mario talks, but say nothing (he frequently uses the silent treatment) then 10 minutes later, will come into our room and list all the reasons why Mario was out of line for saying things.
Everything always comes back to Luigi saying, ‘yeah but you don’t have PTSD.’ It frequently ends in tears and Mario hugging Luigi, comforting him. I think it’s emotional manipulation, but I never involve myself.
Due to the health crisis, Luigi never moved out. He couldn’t get a job in his chosen field and wouldn’t get a job in any other field. He isn’t qualified for anything but eventually did get a gig doing video game testing.
He relies on Mario waking up early and taking him to the train station and picking him up on days he deigns to work.
We have recently (like 4 months ago) told Luigi that we plan on moving out in February by ourselves.
Mario has suggested that he reach out to their parents for help affording a place, but he refuses to do that. Luigi doesn’t want to have anything to do with them but does expect them to keep paying his way, buy him a new phone, etc.
Their parents are in their 70s and have stated that they can no longer help as they used to. But they would and still do try to help Luigi constantly. It’s never enough for him.
He always says, ‘yeah but if it were you Mario you’d get ___.’
Well, I’ve had enough. I’ve told Mario that no matter what, I am moving out in February. With or without him.
And that if he isn’t coming with me, we’re done.
So, AITJ for drawing this line in the sand?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – draw that line hard and thick, because he sounds like he’s going to try to crush it under and do whatever he thinks he can get away with.
You and your man are not responsible for an adult and shouldn’t be forced to pay a dime that you don’t want to pay. If he doesn’t want to work, then that’s on him.
Move and let him flounder. Just watch out for him trying to make you pay somehow – taking things, etc. He sounds vindictive to me, although maybe that’s my paranoia speaking.” Lurkingentropy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Move out. Do not sign a lease with Mario. Make sure anyplace you get is one you can afford alone. If you are the only one on the lease you will be able to kick him out if he tries to bring Luigi to the new place.
If Mario is the only one on the lease, you can walk away without worrying about finances. Do not give him the ability to invite Luigi in while you are required to pay.” RedditDK2
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Sounds like you set your boundaries from the beginning. There is nothing wrong with following through with your prior intentions. I feel like it’s healthier and real to Mario. If you have a kid then you’re right for trying to do anything to make a stable environment for them and Mario needs to see that. I’m not one for helping my family too much because it usually becomes a path to dependency issues. Hope all goes well.” Scooby_Doubs
8. AITJ For Donating To An Animal Shelter Instead Of A Friend's GoFundMe?
“I (23F) got a Christmas bonus at work for a couple of thousand dollars. I have had a pretty rough year this year but one of the things that have helped me a lot is that I started volunteering at a local animal shelter.
I haven’t been able to help a lot because I get exhausted easy but the other volunteers have become really good friends and I feel like I get more benefit from them than they get from me.
I also adopted my pet bunny from them, who is fantastic!
I’ve been thinking for a while about donating to them because they can’t always afford the things that they want and every little bit helps, so when I got my bonus I went to their website to donate, but the only way I could find was to donate through social media.
I ended up deciding to donate $500 to them through social media.
When I donated, it must have shown up on my social media feed and asked other people to join me.
I don’t believe that it showed the amount.
I got a message from a friend (~25M) that I went to high school with that sent me a link to their friend’s GoFundMe.
Their kid has cancer and I feel really bad for them, but I only wanted to donate $500, and use the rest for stuff that I need. I told him this and I said that I was sorry that I couldn’t help, but I didn’t even know about the GoFundMe.
He said that the kid is more important than a bunch of dumb animals and I should go get my money back and give it to his friend instead. I said no, that the animal shelter means a lot to me.
He then said I was being a jerk and that I could help this kid and their family a lot.
AITJ for not trying to get my money back to give to the kid? I can see why he thinks I’m a jerk, but I also feel like the shelters don’t get as many donations as people think so mine will really help.
When I adopted my bunny I gave them an extra $100 on top of the $30 that they charge and it made the donation lady’s day.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you get to decide how and where you spend your funds, no one else does.
Your friend was way out of line. If he wants to support this person, great, but it doesn’t obligate you to do so.
A few years back, a good friend of mine called me and asked me to donate to a GoFundMe for one of the regulars at the restaurant where he worked.
Long story short, this lady went skiing, opted not to wear a helmet, smashed into a tree, and was in a coma. She was most likely going to have a permanent TBI from her injuries if she woke up.
She was a single mom of three kids.
I never met this woman, never met her children, I never even stepped foot in my friend’s restaurant (it’s not even near where I live).
I said, ‘I’m sorry for your friend’s situation, but my charitable giving is already allotted for the year. Hope she recovers from her injuries.’ Any reasonable person would have taken that as a ‘no’ and moved on, but he started making comments and judging the charities he knew I DID support – animal charities and gifts to the college I attended (I received generous scholarships when I went there and want to give back).
He asked how could I put ‘animals and privileged white kids’ above ‘people who were truly in need.’ YIKES! I was annoyed at that point and basically said ‘Your friend CHOSE to ski without a helmet and without health insurance when she knew she had three children depending on her.
That was a CHOICE. She is now living with the consequences of that choice and will do so for the rest of her days. I’m not bailing her out of her own bad decision.
I’m sorry for her situation and sorry that her children, who didn’t ask for it, will suffer. But it all could have been avoided. My CHOICE here is not to support it.
I can’t solve every problem in the world.’
He just kind of ‘harrumphed’ and ended the call. It eventually blew over, but I know he still thinks I’m in the wrong. I don’t.” SuchLovelyLilacs
Another User Comments:
“I think the guy you knew from high school is a little full of himself.
Or maybe a lot. He’s coming off as really entitled to me. And very poor-mannered. You don’t need to justify yourself to him. IF I had anything more to say on the subject at all I would suggest they reach out to St.
Jude’s to see if they could help the family through this since they often pick up the costs. Assuming this is in the U.S… As you know running an animal shelter can be teary tricky financially.
And if you decided to help I think that is fabulous. NTJ.” Special-Parsnip9057
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – the person that reached out to you should have left it at sharing the link, period.
Very crass and rude to lay guilt and judge your financial situation. Especially if it’s a ‘friend of a friend’. It is a terrible situation for the child, and as you said, had you known before maybe you would have considered splitting the amount.
Not that you should feel you have to do anything, but also, not all donations need to be large – small ones add up too, maybe donating some small amount would ease your feelings a bit.
This is why I always look for the buttons when donating that ask about do you want it to be public, etc., and adjust the settings to my comfort level. For the life of me can’t understand why everyone makes their Venmo transfers public.” Babsgarcia
7. AITJ For Wanting An Agreement With My Mom About My Paycheck?
“So I (17m) just got my first job, and I have every intention of helping my mom (43f) out with the bills, rent, buying food, etc. We’ve been living paycheck to paycheck for months, and my mom works her butt off at two jobs, one full-time and one part-time, for about 70 hours a week – yet we still only just get by.
However, I still want to have some allowance for myself, too. I want to be able to buy things like guitar equipment and a new computer, save up for a car (right now I take an uber back and forth since I don’t have my own car and don’t have my license yet), or save up for college.
I think it’s fair to split my paycheck, half of it to me and half of it to her, or even 1/3 me and 2/3 her, but no matter what I want it to be a set amount that we both agree on, orally or whatever.
My mom, however, doesn’t want to set an amount and wants to just go with the idea that I’ll pay whatever I need to. Basically that she’ll use however much she needs, whenever she wants.
She thinks I’m being unreasonable and a jerk for wanting an agreement about a set amount, and that it doesn’t matter right now. She wants to come up with an exact amount when I’ve been working for longer.
I don’t see why we have to wait, and I don’t see the issue in having a set amount that we agree on to split my paycheck.
So, am I being a jerk for not just letting my mom use however much of my paycheck she needs?
EDIT:
To clear some things up, my mom isn’t manipulative or abusive in any way, just bad with finances sometimes, but she works hard – two full-time jobs as a single mother to support her kids, pay rent, feed us, etc.
I agree that some of the commenters may have missed the 70hrs a week part. I am of course going to help her pay the bills. I’m not going to move out ASAP, she’s not trying to use me to fuel her bad spending habits, this isn’t ‘financial slavery’ as one person colorfully put it.
She’s my mom, and I love her, and I’m going to help her – I just want some boundaries as I go into adulthood and need to start paying my own bills, too.
I’m gonna talk to my mom again about splitting the paycheck a specific amount or paying specific bills, but if she doesn’t want to then I’ll wait until I turn 18 to open up a new bank account at a different bank, and transfer the funds there/have my paychecks deposited there.
I don’t actually have a bank account yet, we haven’t gone to set one up, but when we do it’ll probably be joint (that’s what we had to do at the credit union I last had a bank account with).”
Another User Comments:
“You sound like a good kid and your mum sounds like a good mum going through a rough time.
If you go nuclear as most people here are suggesting, I feel like you will damage a relationship you don’t want to damage. It is not your legal responsibility to give your mum money, sure, but it seems like you do want to help, which I think is lovely of you and is not the outrageously unfair situation some people here are making it sound like.
If your mum is struggling to pay for the basics for you and your siblings from her money, I can understand why she would be reluctant to set a specific amount for things that she doesn’t see as essential.
It seems like your mum’s experience is that you cannot always set a non-essential budget aside because things come up that cannot be controlled. However, I can also understand how you would be frustrated that you cannot count on a specific budget to get yourself what you want and definitely deserve for your hard work.
Maybe what you can do is sit down with your mum periodically to see what bills need to be paid and how your funds are being spent, and make a decision on how much you want to take from there based on that? It will be easier for you to decide and to justify to your mum after a couple of months.
But also, if you decide, based on how your mum wants to spend the funds, that the division is not fair, and your mum does not compromise and spends everything you have on things you don’t agree with, you can get your own bank account as soon as you turn 18 and contribute to the household as much as you want without your mum being able to access your funds.
Best of luck, OP!” Cassinys
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. First off just don’t do a direct deposit. Get an actual check and get it cashed. Give her the set amount you want to give whether she agrees to it or not and stash the rest.
If you set it up to an account she has full control over she’ll just take it all. Save the cash until April then open your own account and set up direct deposit to it.
She is still financially responsible for you. You getting a job doesn’t change that. Your offering to help is being generous. It’s not her right. There’s nothing wrong with getting a written and signed statement that you both have copies of.
It shows you are being level-headed and mature about the situation and will not let her take advantage of you which is exactly what’s she’s trying to do. Pick an amount and stick with it.
Don’t let her guilt trip you into changing it or let her take your full check to do with what she pleases. If she needs extra allowance, ask for proof and receipts that she needs the amount not just what she wants like getting her hair done.
If you are giving her money it’s to go to HOUSEHOLD EXPENSES!” Starwarzmom
Another User Comments:
“So. Here’s the thing. While I applaud your willingness to help your mom, I really don’t think you should be doing more than covering your own personal expenses.
At your age, you need to establish your own financial independence, learn how to budget, and save for your future education. Your personal expenses will not be a large percentage of your paycheck.
It may be some clothing, personal items, and so on. That should be well enough a burden lifter. And you keep/save for your future. Your mom is the parent here and still needs to figure out how to work smarter rather than harder.
I’d also encourage you to do some online research with banks. I believe there are banks out there that will let you open a savings account without a parent. You probably need a state ID or driver’s license though.
You can use a savings account just fine at this time. Direct deposit your check into it. Get a card for ATM withdrawals. Although you can’t spend with the card like a checking account, the point is that YOU control YOUR budget at all times.
And YOU decide if or when or how you help mom out.
Final point… handing her funds isn’t the answer. She isn’t really entitled to your money. Do you have access to hers? Has she written out a budget and showed you all the monthly expenses? Has she shown you her paychecks? Do you know for a fact that she doesn’t earn enough? How much do you REALLY know vs what you are being told?
Don’t get yourself locked into a financial dynamic now that will be super hard to escape later on.
Don’t even promise a percentage. Honey your paycheck is going to be smaller than you think…just wait and see all the deductions that are pulled before you are paid. You don’t even have that much to offer and you two are already arguing over it.
Mom doesn’t want to commit to a dollar amount, and it sounds like there is no written budget to outline exactly where the gaps may (or may not) really exist. Bad spending habits are hard to break, so don’t let mom dip into your funds to continue supporting things, esp if you aren’t really aware of them.
Realize I’m ranting a bit here. But as a mom myself it breaks my heart to hear stories of other parents trying to take advantage of their teen paychecks instead of teaching teens how to live and spend responsibly.
Once you start ‘helping’ her, changing those boundaries later as you get older can quickly become bad and ruin relationships. I really hope you can avoid that from happening. Good luck.” genkichan
6. AITJ For Getting Mad At My Mom For Not Letting Me Use The Car?
“I have Asperger’s and have hemiplegic migraines (these migraines can mess with my emotional state) which has made it hard for me to hold down a job. My mom has helped me and let me stay in her house even though I’m 31 years old.
My mom will buy groceries for us, help us out with finances if we make dumb mistakes, buy our tickets to Disney land but she has weird hang-ups about her car.
So most of the time my mom lets me take the car to do whatever, but sometimes for no reason, she will decide to not let me use the car.
Tonight was one of those nights, I had made plans to meet up with my partner tonight at her party which is super far.
We had been fighting so I wanted to at least show up to her party and give her some flowers and a kiss when the ball drops. So I ask my mom if I can use the car at around 4 o clock, she flat out just says no.
I understand it’s her car and she can do what she wants with it, but I thought it was pretty cold to flat out just say no on new year’s. So I said you know it’s kind of unfair to not let me go out tonight just for no reason especially when I’m dependent on the car for transportation.
She told me I’m not dependent and I can go get a job if I want to get a car and that she doesn’t want me driving on new year’s because people get wasted.
I continued to say well you let me use it to go to bars occasionally and people are wasted what’s the difference? She couldn’t really give me an answer.
She then brought up some credit card debt that she recently helped me pay off after I lost my last job due to missing work too much due to my migraines.
Atm, my migraines have made me pretty emotional and have made me quicker to anxiety and anger which sucks. So back to the argument, she told me that since she had helped me pay off 800$ on my credit card debt I don’t have the budget to go hang out with my partner.
This is somewhat true but she agreed to pay off my credit card debt so… I have funds now in my account because I recently helped my uncle move to his cabin in the mountains.
So it was a 4-hour drive and I had to unload a bunch of crap and sleep on hardwood floors, deal with this guy who zooms past people on the freeway in the rain, road rages frequently calling people dumb jerks, honks and while we were commuting nearly hit 3 cars.
My uncle is a crazy right-wing guy who hates women and tries to convert people to Christianity and thinks people who don’t repent do not go to heaven. So this guy would also yell at me and call me a dumb jerk and tell me to try to be normal if I didn’t put things where he wanted me to, this is what I was dealing with 1 day ago.
So I have 500$ in my account right now with Christmas budget and moving funds, and she’s holding the debt over my head so I can’t use the car. I knew she had planned for us to go to Disney land on Sunday and that it would be kind of a low blow but…
I said fine then I guess I’m not going to Disneyland this Sunday. Her jaw kind of dropped and she was really mad and said fine then I guess you’re not going.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“You already know this but: YTJ. Several times you mentioned it was her car, to do with as she pleases. She also gave you a reason why not tonight (two if you count the money).
There are particular holidays/days that have more intoxicated drivers on the road than usual. It’s natural for a parent to be concerned and since she has control of her car she doesn’t want you hurt.
If something did happen to you when driving tonight she would have to rely on Uber/Lyft to get to you/the hospital.
While the disability of $1,000/month isn’t much it is better than nothing.
Additionally, you can still collect disability and work part-time to try to make ends meet. Even if it isn’t enough to get you out on your own it could help with debt, help your mom with bills/groceries/things around the house, and possibly saving for your own car.
I understand your disabilities interfere with your ability to work, however, there are part-time jobs that have more flexibility (such as working remotely, not dealing with customers/consumers, etc). You could work out more of a roommate-type situation even to gain more independence; this would be a conversation to sit down and have with your Mom on a day you’re not feeling overwhelmed with emotions.
Additionally, Section 504 of the Rehabilitation Act of 1973 can help you receive workplace accommodations, typically you’ll hear it referred to as a ‘504 plan for adults.’ 504 plans also exist for students but can follow students into the workplace (or be established for adults who qualify).
I would recommend looking into 504 to see if it can help your situation.” freezecat
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I understand that you can’t hold down a job right now, can’t afford a car, but she has every right to ‘withhold’ her car from you.
And her reasons tonight were particularly valid – this isn’t like going to a bar and being around intoxicated drivers then, no, you have MANY MORE people driving wasted tonight than usually do.
So it can be dangerous. And so as a way to get her back, you said I won’t to Disneyland? You shot yourself in the foot. You aren’t going to blackmail the woman into giving you the car for the night.” korli74
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
I’m gonna be really, really blunt HERE. You don’t work, and no, doing one day of work for your uncle doesn’t count regardless of your reactions to his views. Anything you own or have is due to your mother’s kindness.
For allowing you, at 31, to live at your house, for paying off your bills when you make ‘mistakes,’ (aka shielding you from the consequences of your own actions), for allowing you to use her car AT ALL for non-mandatory events, you should be kissing her butt.
You should be doing anything she wants from you since she works so damn hard to provide a house and home for you. But instead, you make it harder on her and argue.
New Year’s Eve has DOUBLE the car crash rate of any other night. That’s reason enough. You didn’t accept that. That is trashy of you. She does not need an excuse at all.
You do not have the right to argue with her over how she uses her own property.
You can’t work a job on a schedule? That doesn’t mean you can’t make an income. Freelance writing or other at-home online work, for example, could work. But you don’t.
You’re leeching off your mother. Say thank you. Don’t demand more.” MySuperLove
5. AITJ For Not Wanting To Take All Of My Son's Kids?
“I had one child and a nasty divorce and I never had the opportunity to have another child again. And honestly, I never wanted one. My son was so active and as he grew up had tons of sports and such that kept us both very busy.
When he would have sleepovers with friends I would find myself overwhelmed with the responsibility of more children than hands.
Now my son is grown and married to an amazing woman. She came from a family of 12! My son went to one family gathering and decided he wanted a big family too.
Currently, I have 5 grandkids ranging in ages 7 to 6 months.
Recently I asked my daughter-in-law and son for a sit-down and said that when it came to sleepovers or special going out days with me I would really prefer to take one child at a time.
I told them I personally would keep a notebook and make sure every child is getting the exact same time as the other to make it fair but that having more than one just makes me extremely nervous.
I of course told them if they want my help at their house with them there I’ll come and help with all the kids. I just would prefer another adult with me.
This very much offended my daughter-in-law. She said it was playing favorites and that the sibling who got to leave with me would come back and make the others feel bad and that the kids wouldn’t understand.
She pointed out that HER grandma had no problem taking all 12 of her family. But when I pointed out that her grandma had 15 kids herself she got very angry and told me the discussion was over.
My son was quiet but agreed.
Is she right? Am I being unfair to them and will hurt their feelings? The concept of siblings and how they think about each other is pretty foreign to me as my brother was 20 years older than me so I never grew up with him.
AITJ for only wanting to take one grandkid at a time?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I have 3 children and they have sleepovers at my mother’s on rotation. Sometimes one, sometimes 2 but never all 3 of them together.
My mother told me she doesn’t want to have all of them at once for multiple reasons and I have to respect that! That is her boundaries and she is allowed to make them.
My children get jealous of each other, of course. Because they love the sleepovers at grandma’s and want to have their own sleepover. Do they want to share their time with the other siblings? Absolutely not! They love to have the one on one time with grandma, to do something they would like to do.
Especially the oldest (girl) loves to do girl stuff and that can be difficult with 2 younger brothers.
And when one is away at grandma’s I have more time for the other 2.
Sometimes one can have his or her own sleepover with other relatives. We have used that time to go to a hotel with one of them, go to dinner, sleep in a hotel room.
The children love this one-on-one time with us, go to a museum of their interest. Visit in their time frame without siblings who want attention.” haasje83
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I think maybe your DIL wants you to take all 5 at a time so she can be totally kid-free.
If you only take 1 at a time for sleepovers she still has to watch the other 4. So she’s probably annoyed that she can’t dump ALL her kids all at once to get free time.
I bet it’s more about her and not about the kids at all. The kids are just the excuse. There is literally no other reason she would act this way unless she wanted to get rid of all the kids at once.
It’s not your fault. You didn’t choose to have an overwhelming amount of children you can’t find or afford babysitters for. She did. So now she doesn’t get a break and that’s the consequence of her choices.
You shouldn’t be forced into babysitting 5 kids all at once just because she wants her time. She doesn’t get me time when she has a half dozen children. She should have thought of that before having so many.
No one owes her free childcare or outings or child-free time. Stop breeding if you don’t want your life to be kids 24/7 365. That’s what you signed up for.” dogchick1985
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
You can totally say what feels safe…but I get the headache of letting only one go. It will make the others miserable until they have their turn. Period.
We have 6 – 13 to 4.
Before 2020, going to their big brother’s house or one-on-one outings was a very special treat. But it did typically result in a 4 or 5-year-old sobbing at the door for a good 20 minutes.
Every. Time.
Could be a mom is worried about the experience causing fights. If you take #1 to the new movie alone they could spoil it for the others etc.
Also, it’s currently a bad time to be a parent.
Kids are barely hanging on. Seriously. We’ve had to institute an all-or-nothing outing policy because the little ones CAN’T go out as much yet. So reminding them their little brother gets his immunization in February and then we can look at doing things again keeps them focused and stable.
If I started letting the others do more stuff because they haven’t gotten their shots yet there would be a war… so keep that in mind for now.
I’d suggest coming up with a plan for an example outing, and a timeline.
Like ‘I’d like to take the kids, one at a time’ to the trampoline gym. We’d go for an hour and then get an ice cream cone and come home. I’d like to take 1 a week/etc etc.’
If there’s a chance it could be concern over fall-out between kids maybe offer a compromise.
Ask if one of them could join you on an outing (to a park near home or a bike&walk, etc). Then you have the kids and are making memories but are away from the house with parental support.
Good luck.” PieChartPundit
4. AITJ For Sending An Email To My Son's Teacher?
“Okay, so I’m the mother of a 14-year-old boy that many people often mistake for a girl. He also has a gender-neutral name (think Taylor).
Most people just say sorry when corrected but there have been the occasional few that make a big deal out of him being a boy.
One of those few is my son’s gym teacher. I’ve only met the man once or twice but I do hear about him daily from Taylor. Apparently, on the first day, the teacher kept telling Taylor to go to the girl’s side of the gym as a joke.
However, every few days Taylor comes home saying ‘Mr. B said this today’ or ‘Mr. B made me do this.’
Some examples of what Mr. B has said/done:
- Still says ‘go play with the girls.’
- Calls my son ‘Tay-Tay’ instead of Taylor
- Stares at him in disbelief and then goes ‘I can’t believe it.’
- ‘Wrong changing room!’ and literally stops my son from changing—as a joke though!
- When addressing the class he says ‘Alright boys and girl’
- My son was talking about getting a hair cut and the man says ‘I don’t think that’ll work’
Despite his complaints, Taylor insists that the gym teacher is a nice guy that just jokes around too much.
He makes jokes about the other kids as well.
Well, I told my mother what was happening and she was absolutely shocked and said that if somebody was ‘joking’ about me like that she wouldn’t just let it go and she suggested I write him an email.
I told my son how I felt about everything and said that the teacher is crossing a few lines and that he needs to stay within his boundaries. That while I understand that having your mother involve herself can be embarrassing he shouldn’t be making such jokes.
He will say something very wrong one day and that’ll cost him. I also showed my son the email and in that email, I basically told him that the jokes make my son uncomfortable and while he may have nice intentions, we’d appreciate it if he stopped commenting on my son’s appearance.
I wished him a happy Christmas and everything as well.
My son lost it and basically told me that now everything’s going to be super awkward once winter break ends. That people were going to call him a snowflake and that he’s gonna be on the teacher’s bad side now.
He went to his room close to tears and didn’t come down for dinner.
I felt a bit guilty after that but my mom tells me that this is the hardest part about being a parent.
I don’t know who else to ask besides my parents so I’m making this post. AITJ for sending that email even though my son didn’t want me to? My son definitely thinks so.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for emailing the teacher but I think it was a bit…
IDK how to put it, but you put the ‘blame’ of the email on your son by saying the teacher made your son uncomfortable. That seems extra unfair when your son never wanted the email sent.
It would have been just as true and perhaps even more effective to say you heard the jokes he had been making about your son and you wouldn’t allow it to continue.
You could even have included that your son didn’t want you to do anything about it, but that you understand how unacceptable an adult bullying a child based on gender and looks is in a way your son doesn’t yet.
As it is it comes across like you are just the messenger for your son who can’t stand up for himself. From his perspective, you threw him under the bus and took none of the responsibility on yourself.
I would suggest crafting a follow-up email with your son involved. ‘The behavior of your teacher is unacceptable and I cannot let it continue, but I am willing to write a second email with you as long as you understand the message of the email is your teacher’s behavior has to stop’.
A bit awkward to send a follow-up, but a few seconds of feeling awkward would be with it to potentially fix this with your son.” ttnl35
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. OP firstly I agree that the gym teacher is bullying your son especially when he singles him out in front of the whole class which is messed up.
It’s not a ‘joke’ if he’s coming home upset about it so it needs to stop.
If the teacher persists in his behavior or your son faces any backlash then you need to escalate this further.
I get where your son’s coming from, it’s the trashy attitude we tell boys that they need to ‘man up’ and act tough among your friend group which is probably worse for him as he’s often mistaken for a girl as you described.
I’d suggest getting him some counseling to let him know that he doesn’t have to put up with people bullying him because of his appearance and disguising it as a ‘joke’.
Maybe talking through how it makes him feel will enable him to understand why it’s unacceptable and find ways that he can stand up for himself (so he doesn’t need mom) in the future if he encounters another jerk like the gym teacher!!
Keep doing what you’re doing and talk once he’s calmed down from his initial response; he’ll eventually see that you’ve got his back.
Some of the decisions my mom made when I was a kid I thought I hated her for doing it at the time but can see now why she did that which was to help me.
All the best OP to you and your son.” Miltz69UK
Another User Comments:
“Conditional NTJ. How far are you willing to go to support your son? He likely didn’t want you to say anything because he reasonably fears that things will get worse for him as a result.
The teacher may lay off the gender stuff but become a toughie in other ways. Would you be willing to send him to another school if this made things worse?
It’s also possible your son feels kinda conflicted about the gender stuff and was telling you about these events primarily to feel out your opinions on male femininity.
If your son came out as trans or nonbinary, would you be supportive? That needs to be made clear. I’m assuming you would be supportive: if not, I have no advice for you that wouldn’t get me banned.
Even though NTJ, you need to accept that this was a violation of his trust, and he’s allowed to be upset at you about it. Sometimes parents need to do things their children don’t like, and this might be one of those times, but it’s likely that you’ve made him overall less likely to share his problems with you.
Was it worth it? Well, you are in a better position to know how seriously your son was affected by these events than I am, so I can’t say.” morethanfromnofall
3. AITJ For Not Helping My Father Pay His Parent Plus Loan?
“So I am 25 M; I just got my first real job out of college. My father found out from my sister that I had just paid off the last of my student loans.
(I had about 20K total, so I paid it off by saving funds and using my signing bonus) He asked me, given that I have paid off mine, when should he expect to start paying off his.
Given that he took out the parent plus loan to send me to school, I was under the impression that it was his way of paying for it down the line or over time.
His loan was for a similar amount to what I took out, and now that he is asking for me to pay it, I feel trapped even though it’s not technically my loan.
My father is in his late 50s, and it’s been important to me that he can retire at some point to a reasonable degree of comfort. Still, I worry that this extra loan I’m expected to pay may delay my ability to buy a house or set up my financial future.
While his loan did pay for some of my education, I paid for an equal portion, and my mother (divorced) took on more than 60% of the total cost while not asking for anything.
Am I a jerk if I refuse to pay it? If he could not afford the payment, I would feel like I could help him out for a while, but I also think he agreed to those loan terms, and my obligations should be independent.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
My mother took out a parent plus loan for me but it was under the informal agreement that I would pay it back. I knew this was part of the deal, but MOST parents do not ask for repayment, ever.
The federal government expects parents to pay for a portion of their children’s college and if your dad didn’t earn so much, then you would have gotten grants instead of loans.
If there was no agreement, then you are not legally or morally obligated to pay for the loan.
All that being said, you are smart to think of your financial future, and here is a compromise that could work out in both of your favors: when you are able to purchase a house and build some equity in several years, you may have the financial means to refinance your house and pay off the plus loans in one fell swoop.
(After spending nearly a decade of sending my mom $317/month, we were able to do this by refinancing and we still made a $150k profit when we sold our house in early 2020).
While paying it may not be an ideal solution, it may prevent your father from believing that you ‘owe him’ for the rest of your life. … one additional question: what are your father’s retirement plans? Will he be financially independent or will he be relying on his children for a place to live? My once-successful father has lost all of his wealth and I wish I would have understood sooner that parents expect their children to help them out because they helped us at one point.
If your dad is not going to rely on you financially when he is unable to care for himself, then it might be worth paying the loan off now to ensure you’re not paying for it in another way later.” Like_Savannah
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
A loan was taken out because you could not afford school – I mean the PPL is kind of a trap. When I went to college I could only get so much from FAFSA and so my parents had to do a PPL and now I pay like 8% on the majority loan.” GiftRecent
Another User Comments:
“NTJ however, was his name included on your degree? How did he benefit from helping you get through school? Do you believe your parents are obligated to pay for your education? Is there a reason beyond your own selfish need to one day own a home that you can’t help with the payments? Seems to me the only one who benefited here was you.
You have a college degree and your parents have loan payments. It’s sort of like buying a new car, wrecking it, and continuing to have to pay off the balance. They get nothing, have this additional bill to pay every month, but you’re going to be able to buy a new house while they pay off the loan.” User
Another User Comments:
“The loan he took out was for you.
If he didn’t do that, you wouldn’t have gone to college.
Yes, he is your Dad however his legal obligation stops at 18, so anything afterward is a bonus.
He helped you to make a start, so you should help so he could come to the end of working life.
No one’s the jerk – but out of courtesy, you can pay towards his loan.” SuspiciousWeekend284
2. WIBTJ If I Gave My Nephew A Gift His Parents Don't Approve Of?
“For some background, I’m a gay guy and I’ve been out to my entire family for six years. (I’m 18.)
My nephew (11) has been raised in the type of family where boys play football, get dirty, go out with pretty girls, and the phrase ‘man up’ is tossed around a lot.
I wasn’t allowed to come out to any of the kids in my family until three years ago, but ever since I came out I saw that he was a lot more comfortable doing things that weren’t typically masculine.
Whenever we talk, I just get this feeling that maybe he doesn’t want to be stuck in the strict masculine role his parents want him in. He does love football and wrestling though and I try to go to his games to support him.
A few days ago I was wearing a crop top and he asked if he could have it when I grew out of it. I said ‘yeah sure thing kid’ but his parents were standing there and heard it all.
His dad asked if he would wear it as a crop top or if he just liked the shirt design. My nephew very enthusiastically said ‘The crop top!’ His dad very harshly shut it down and he looked really embarrassed.
I would totally be willing to give him that shirt when it no longer fits since he wanted it so bad, but I don’t know if he would get into trouble with his parents.
(Or would I be able to give him something else that’s similar?)”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I get it, I’m bisexual (but a cis girl but in a masculine sense) (questioning Bi-romantic or not) and I would SO do this to spite my dad but I am a petty person and you should know to never take my advice because it goes wrong, don’t do it.
Wait until he’s older because I came out at 11 and it was so hard, my relationship with my dad plummeted, he is stuck in the same mindset as your sister and her husband.
He literally said ‘real men don’t cry’ and all that discriminatory nonsense, don’t do it.
Wait until he is 13-15 to give him feminine things like that because it will make their relationship plummet (which I don’t care for my relationship being broken because at least I know he is a homophobe and I don’t want that kind of relationship with someone who won’t accept me but it still can be crap at times) and he can defend himself easier at an older age.
Hope you and your nephew do okay and your family accepts you and him! (not saying he is gay or anything, I mean clothing options).” apersonwithadhd
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Regardless of your feelings and what your nephew is asking, his parents decide what is best for him and you don’t get a say.
Wait until he is older and can decide for himself and you can give him whatever you want.” Luisalter
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you need to tread carefully here. Sounds like your cousin really looks up to you and needs you for support.
Annoying his parents would be a bad move for both of you. But PLEASE, make sure to explain to your cousin why you are doing what you are doing. Let him know you want to be around for the long haul to support him so you don’t want to annoy his dad.
Let him in on your thought process so that he doesn’t think you just blew off your promise to him. Sounds like the kid might have a rough road ahead of him.
Good luck to you both.” vhroot
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You seem unnecessarily fixated on his life. You saying ‘I just get this feeling that maybe he doesn’t want to be stuck in the strict masculine role his parents want him in’ is odd.
You are relying on your feelings to make assumptions about both him and his parents. So I see your interpretation of his parents’ reaction to the t-shirt conversation in that context.
Normally I would say just get him the shirt but you are not coming from the right place about it so don’t be the jerk. Don’t get him the shirt and don’t get involved in his life unless he asks you to.” Toepale
Side note: This is just me, but I would have told my siblings off every time they pulled any of that toxic garbage. I don't let people get away with that crap around me without at least hearing how psychologically damaging that can be to their children.
1. AITJ For Demanding Full Payment From Tenants?
“I rented a house with oil heat to a couple. The lease makes tenants responsible for maintaining oil levels & starting service with an oil company for fillups. I verbally explain if the boiler runs out of oil, a pro might be needed to restore the flow.
It’s very important to NEVER RUN OUT OF OIL. They signed & initialed the pages containing this clause. In hindsight, I think they yessed me & didn’t pay strict attention…
Christmas morning, a phone call from them, no heat/hot water.
I ask if they have oil & when the last fillup was. No idea – never started a service! The full tank I started them on ran out. They thought it was like natural gas that doesn’t run out.
I said the property is not set up for gas & the gas utility never billed you! Where did you think the ‘free heat’ came from? They ignored & angrily demanded, ‘what was I going to do about this?’
Wearily I get dressed & drive there with 2 jugs of diesel (fuel oil substitute) + their lease; I foresaw a debate.
I couldn’t restore oil flow. I explained we need a pro & would call my plumber. I warned this charge would be on them; my plumber charges more for holidays.
The argument began.
I explained what they did to the boiler using the lease, I show they were responsible. They demanded I wait for Monday for the normal plumber rate but I refused. I said ‘we’re arguing in a cold basement, 1 AM Christmas morning for a problem you created! I’m here now & fixing this my way.
If I wait for Monday, the pipes will freeze & will be more damaged. I won’t allow your neglect to further damage my property.’
While the plumber repaired, I called a local oil company for emergency oil delivery.
The plumber’s holiday rate + parts were $775. Oil delivery with emergency surcharge nearly $1k. I also signed them up for service & I charged for my 2 jugs of diesel.
It was past 4 AM when I returned home & I tried to salvage the rest of the Xmas day.
I demanded full payment, to be included with the next rent for the $ I put out that morning, $1800 I spent on an avoidable issue I forewarned of.
They pleaded for a payment plan. I may be the jerk bc I refused. My plumber & oil company don’t do plans, I paid them in full. You have 7 days to Jan 1 to find the $.
They bought Xmas presents & were tapped out. Well me too! Everyone is digging into their own pockets this season. I reminded their landlord is not a slumlord. I’m responsive, attended on Xmas morning until 4 AM to fix their heat.
My plumber & oil guy did too. Everybody did their part. So you can be comfortable on Xmas day, have dinner guests, cook, shower & wash dishes! Now it’s your turn to do your part.
I’m not a bank that lends $. Nobody gets a break & I’m sorry but as a matter of principle, my answer has to be no.
My friends have mixed opinions. I’m either an insensitive jerk with no Xmas spirit or I’m just unmotivated to do favors for someone who ruined my Xmas day for carelessness.
I’m already out $1800 and don’t want to concede more.
EDIT:
I’m going to bluff as far as possible and refuse to discuss payment plans for as long as possible. It’s my hope that my refusal on Xmas morning will impress on them to come up with the funds and get me paid back ASAP.
I’d rather not go through with the eviction process for otherwise good tenants and will accept a plan to the tune of $500 a month or so if they come to me and really don’t have the means to pay.
I’d rather get paid than not at all. A few people did suggest charging interest on top of the ‘loaned’ funds which I would consider.”
Another User Comments:
“I have to say ‘everyone sucks here’.
The tenants are irresponsible and should be charged the full amount of the services required. However, trying to require that amount in days’ time is a bit extreme. I know personally, I could not come up with that amount in a few days’ time and that’s with 2 full-time adults working.
While I’m not saying take 20/mo until the end of time, work out with them (in a NEW lease) that their rent will increase by X amount monthly until the time their lease is up.
I understand that it sucks you had to pay out of pocket for these services upfront, however that is the downside to being a landlord. If something comes up (either from negligence or not) you can choose to not do anything about it (and possibly have more damage) or pay for it and work with your tenants.
Without making assumptions about location, getting people evicted is a damn lengthy process, and wouldn’t you rather be still getting their rent checks?” thefr0stypenguin0
Another User Comments:
“I’m mixed on this one.
YTJ because dude, it’s Christmas.
Totally understandable you are upset about having to go to your property at 1 am to solve this on Christmas morning. Who wouldn’t be annoyed? But cooler heads prevail and all.
So maybe sleeping on it and then discussing it when you have calmed down is better?
On the other hand, NTJ because you made it clear to them their responsibilities when renting your property and even had them sign to that fact on the lease.
You have held up your end of the contract. They need to hold up their end. And they didn’t. So unfortunately they need to accept responsibility for their lack of action.
ALSO. Something they would not understand or appreciate if you did leave it to Monday for normal plumbing rates and your pipes did freeze and burst, the insurance company would NOT pay to have it fixed.
Most property policies specifically exclude this kind of damage given your circumstance.” aztex_tiger
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They’re adults who can read a lease and figure out how their house is heated and how to pay bills.
However, it will probably end up being unwise of you to refuse a payment plan. Not only do you now have contentions with your tenants, but most likely this will end in them getting evicted because who can come up with $1800 in a week? That is going to be more for you to financially foot in the short term, and you’ll probably never get your $1800 unless you sue, and maybe not even then.” AnonJdhakg
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
(I think.) They are dead wrong for what they did. It was careless and irresponsible. They are clearly not good tenants and have some maturing to do.
Bad tenants are a common problem for landlords and since your comments suggest that you have been a landlord for a while, I would suspect you have reserves set aside for expensive emergencies like this.
Your tenants however may find it very difficult to come up with an extra $1800 in 7 days. I understand your anger and frustration for being dragged out of your home at 1 am on Christmas.
But, you could give them until Feb 1st to come up with the funds. I say ‘everyone sucks here’ because you seem to be charging them immediately out of spite and punishment not because you need it right away. Enforcing rules out of principle can sometimes make you both technically in the right and still the jerk.” User
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