People Grapple with Guilt in Their "Am I The Jerk?" Conundrums
20. AITJ For Wanting My Own Life Separate From My Autistic Brother?
“I (15F) have a brother (16M) who is autistic. He is a year older but he was held back so we’re in the same grade. Ever since I was little, I’ve felt like I don’t really matter and the only reason my parents had me was for my brother to have a friend.
To be clear, I’m not neglected, but my parents expect me to build my entire life around my brother. When I was younger, they would always force me to do whatever my brother wants because we had to do everything together. When I wanted to learn piano and he wanted to do karate, we both had to do karate.
When my friends invited me to playdates, I could only go if he could too.
When I was really little, my parents would basically just force the other parents to take him, but as I got older, I just stopped going anywhere because I didn’t want to take my brother with me.
To make things worse, we moved when we were in sixth grade and it was almost impossible for me to make new friends because my brother was with me all the time. Middle school was also horrible because 7th grade was online and my brother was constantly clinging to me in 8th, Once we got to high school I just stopped caring about what my parents said and did whatever I wanted.
My “rebellion” mostly consisted of joining leadership and a bunch of clubs. I made lots of friends and started hanging out with them. My parents very clearly expressed their disapproval but they weren’t going to lock me up to stop me from doing things without my brother.
I love my brother, but being forced to share my whole life with him as a kid has made me deeply resent him. He has no friends so he just sits in his room pretty much all the time. Whenever I go out with my friends or go to extracurricular events he throws huge tantrums. I feel bad for him but I’m sick of being his constant unwilling companion and there is nothing I can do to help him.
My parents always take his side and try to make me feel bad for living my life. Our latest conflict was about homecoming. I’m a princess and I’m really excited because I couldn’t go last year because I was sick. My brother asked a girl to go with him but she rejected him so he’s really upset and wants me to not go because he’s not going.
Today there was a picnic to kick off homecoming week and he didn’t go but when I got back he threw a huge tantrum when I left and was still crying when I got back hours later because he doesn’t want me to go to homecoming.
My parents asked if I could just not go but I told them that I don’t really care if my brother doesn’t like it and he can’t control my whole life. They said his mental health is suffering because he has no friends and doesn’t have the best grades and watching me have fun and do great at school isn’t helping.
I told them that his mental health is not my problem and I’m going to homecoming whether they like it or not. My brother is still crying in his room and didn’t come out to eat dinner. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your parents aren’t doing you or your brother any favours by thinking the solution is for you to stay home.
Your brother has to learn that the world won’t revolve around him. One day your parents won’t be here any he needs to be given the tools to live either independently or in a group home. Based on what little you’ve said, it doesn’t sound like he’s so severe that he’s totally unable to function.
I’m surprised your parents aren’t doing more to foster his independence. He needs help with his mental health, but that’s up to them to get it for him & help him. You are not his parent.” spoiledrichwhitegirl
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re an independent person, not an emotional support person for your brother.
You deserve to have interests and a life of your own. As a side note, I can only hope my children’s future teenage rebellions consist of *joining leadership programs and extracurriculars*. Like seriously, a mother can only dream of such rebellions. Please, keep doing that.
It’ll be great for you, in full sincerity.” BabyCowGT
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your parents have done both of you a disservice. You each have the right to live your own lives. In attempting to hold you back to lift him up, they are the ones causing him immense pain instead of empowering him to be his own individual like you’re empowering yourself to be.
I highly suggest you move out ASAP for college and don’t look back. Looks like they planned for you to be a lifelong caretaker while making that impossible—like you’d be expected to stay home from work to save your brother’s feelings and have no income.
Yeah, run.” [deleted]
19. AITJ For Confronting My Ex-Roommate And Her Partner After They Betrayed My Trust?
“I 24 F have been friends with F 25 for a little over year. We will call her Abby. Abby had originally moved in with me and it was really awesome for a long time. We decided not to put her on the lease until the lease renewal so we didn’t have to pay a fee and have my guarantor sign all over again.
I know. That was my first mistake.
She started seeing this girl. Her name is Mya. I myself got into a serious relationship, and due to unforeseen circumstances, my partner had to move in with me as well. Which I had cleared with Abby. My partner moved in and everything was good.
Around the fall, Abby dropped the bombshell that she would be leaving, and not paying all of her portion of the rent, leaving me and my partner out of several hundred dollars. It wasn’t a big deal, she was leaving on the accord of family distress/other issues, and I cared deeply about her.
She gave me a rough estimate of the time she would be coming back.
The plan was for her to move back in; and she kept the majority of her stuff still in her room. Rendering the room almost unusable. Again a red flag I chose to ignore.
Flash forward she keeps pushing back the date in which she is moving back in, and in that time started ignoring me with plans we had made, ignore my texts for days/weeks. Would visit but would actually just need to crash for one reason or another.
I threw her a birthday party, cake; presents and everything. Did not show an ounce of thankfulness. Whatever maybe she was having a bad day. Time came around for my birthday and they were late and didn’t even show up with a gift. I’m not a greedy person, but it’s basic etiquette that if someone gives you a gift at some point you return the favor.
That is just how I grew up. She then told me she was not moving back in and would be staying with family. She was not. She and her partner had known for weeks that she would be moving into said partners friends apartment. I asked her while she was moving her stuff where she was living and she lied to my face.
Not that I cared that she wasn’t living with me anymore, I was getting pretty fed up. Then came the catalyst. Mya decided to message my partner over a situation that mya was not involved in, in any way shape or form. She spoke Ill of me, and when my partner did not feed into it, she still continued.
My partner showed me the messages, and I immediately texted Abby and asked for an explanation, and got no response. I messaged Mya and called her out for how immature it was to involve herself in my relationship with my partner over a situation she was not involved in.
Apparently Mya has hated me for months and I manipulate her partner and I’m privileged and snobby. I was beyond disbelief and immediately broke down. My partner but them both in a group chat and ripped them a new one. Some people are calling me the jerk for speaking my mind to both of them; am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ If you contacted her about getting rid of her stuff multiple times, it’s no longer your responsibility to keep them. I’m sure there’s someplace that would love the donations.” SenatorBus_
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Calling her out for why you’re hurt makes sense, you need the closure of speaking your mind as the friendship is over.
And your “friend” is pretty confusing – if I didn’t like someone, I wouldn’t attend a birthday party they wanted to throw me or stay for one-off nights in their apartment. Your “friend” wanted to use the perks of the friendship rather than being truthful about the friendship being over.” LowAdvisor9274
18. AITJ For Telling My Husband About Our Friends' Twin Pregnancy Before Their Gender Reveal Party?
“I (30F) am married to (37M) wonderful husband. We have been married for 6 and half years and we don’t have any kids. Currently we are in a friend group with 3 other couples. I’m not going to name them so let’s say couple A, B and C.
Couple A has 2 sons, couple B and C are currently expecting.
Wife of couple A always thinks that when we visit them we should take care of their children as they need time to relax. And always hands her 2nd kids to me and 1st kid to my husband.
Couple B was always asking if we were okay after they revealed they were expecting. They made us feel comfortable and they never talked about being pregnant. When they asked me to be the keeper for their baby gender and help them with the gender reveal party I was happy to help them.
When couple C found out they were expecting they were showing that they were expecting from day 1. They shared their news when they were 6 weeks along. Now they are 14 weeks along they want to do their gender reveal at the end of October and want me to do their gender reveal. And when they shared they are having twins yesterday and wanted me keep it a secret till the gender reveal. It hit hard and made me emotional. And told my husband on the way home that they were having twins and I don’t want him to get startled at gender reveal day.
Let me explain why he might get startled at the party. We suffered many miscarriages throughout our 6.5 years of marriage. First one was in 2017 at 19 weeks, second in 2020 with twins at 8 weeks and 14 weeks and third one in March of this year at 9 weeks. Last miscarriage happened day before the couple A’s 2nd son was born.
We were quite devastated on losing our baby in March. We informed all our friends through text that we were miscarrying and we needed some time to heal. Around that time couple B also found out they were expecting and they were considerate about our feelings so they didn’t reveal they were expecting and told us at the end of July.
It was hard for us but we were happy for them.
Couple A and C have never considered our feelings only think about theirs. We went to visit couple A’s baby when it was 11 days old and she handed me her baby and disappeared for 1 and a half hours.
It was hard but I held him and cared for him. After coming home I cried holding my husband. She never asks us how we are feeling or if we are okay. When she tells us to look after them we do that and never say anything to them.
It is hard for us to take care of them cause we haven’t healed through our losses. We don’t say a thing and just look after their kids. Couple C is having the worst pregnancy symptoms and always says that I am having a hard time with this I don’t want you to have these types of symptoms when you get pregnant.
She knows all my history.
Today I told couple C that I had told my husband that you guys were having twins and I need to consider his feelings. They were accusing me of ruining their surprise and I didn’t consider their feelings. Am I the jerk for telling my husband?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Telling just your spouse is not “ruining” the surprise for anyone but your spouse, and they should know why this wouldn’t necessarily be a happy surprise for him. I honestly think it’s a little callous for either B or C to ask you to be involved in their gender reveals given your experiences and a little flexibility on their part to ensure you and your husband are in the right headspace is not too much to ask.” JeepersCreepers74
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I don’t know why you told them anything. They’re not being considerate of you. Taking care of your husband’s and your feelings are important around Couple A & C because they will clearly never look out for yours. Also, stop letting them walk all over you.
You don’t have to take care of someone else’s kids. “It takes a village” is not a contract. Couple A & C sound like terrible friends. Maybe focus on Couple B and try to find some other friends.” ViolaVetch75
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. At all.
From now on, when A tries to hand you the baby, put your hands up and say, “No thanks, I’ve already eaten.” Frankly, let C know you’re still struggling. If she remains clueless and insensitive, go low contact. I’m so sorry for your losses.” coneyb11
17. AITJ For Going To The Casino Alone While My Husband Frequently Goes Without Me?
“After 2 days of talking to me, it’s the ST. I had a doctor’s appointment out of town. We stay at a casino because it’s free. We don’t always gamble, it’s just cheap.
Years ago my husband said certain places were ours only and I couldn’t go without him.
I had kids and he started doing those things he said I couldn’t do and more. He’d go out all the time and go on trips while I stayed home and raised the kids. He said the casino would stay ours.
After years passed he decided he could do whatever he wanted whenever and with whoever he wanted and started meeting up with people at the casino to gamble.
Sometimes I knew, sometimes not. When I’d call him on it he would say he’s an adult and could do what he wants. After a blow up recently he agreed he would stop going with other people. A few months ago he went out of town and he went to the casino with his sister.
I only found out because she posted a picture of him and her there. He said he just went because she wanted to see the casino and gamble a little she left and say goodbye (she’s been there before) I said he should’ve said goodbye before going to the casino. Her partner was there.
He didn’t need to be on the casino floor with her. He lied to me and said they were at the bar.
It was time to go out of town again a few days ago. One of my kids is sick so for the first time EVER I left town alone.
I have never spent a night at a hotel without him. I’m not used to long drives and was tired and needed to save funds. For dinner I went to the food court. I ate free with comps. I told my husband before I went.
This is important. You have to walk through the casino to get to there.
It was busy and took a long time to get my food. While I waited I watched TV. When my food was done I finished my show and ate some of my food.
On my way back my husband called. It had been 45 min since I left. About 10 min there and back plus waiting for food.
He was mad that it took so long and was asking me what I was “really” doing. Then he got mad for getting the food.
He said since I didn’t want him on the casino floor then I shouldn’t be. He took what I said and changed it. I told him he shouldn’t have gone on the floor with her after he lied about where he was. He took that and said I shouldn’t have walked through it to get dinner I should’ve stayed in my room and used delivery service or gone out.
I told him I was going to go down there before I went. He didn’t get mad until I was out of the room for too long. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Stop pandering to his lying behind. He’s doing what he wants with no thought about you.
Do the same. He’s not your dad, he’s supposed to be an equal partner, not a judge and jury. NTJ. That you even pander to his nonsense would normally get you a jerk judgment but this is just ridiculous. Please stop feeding the troll that is your husband.
E: did you get pasta? Because I’m seeing marinara flags everywhere.” TooCool_TooFool
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Your husband has serious control issues here. Only HE gets to opt out of your agreement to go to a casino without you. Only HE can do as he pleases without consequence.
Don’t you know your place? /s Your husband is a Grade A hypocrite and jerk.” KronkLaSworda
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but your marriage sounds horrible. All these weird rules about what you can and can’t do. It’s not really a surprise that your husband is possessive and untrusting because he’s shown himself to be massively untrustworthy and disrespectful.
But I can’t wrap my head around all this “you can’t do X without me” business.” ViolaVetch75
16. AITJ For Refusing Being Intimate With My Wife Because I Was Too Tired?
“I’ve always been an extremely light sleeper, any sound or movement or light will wake me up. I’ve tried the masks and earplugs, I’m a side sleeper and they are super uncomfortable. Probably a good thing as we had a break-in attempt last year and I was the only one who woke up.
We had a half dozen cops and firemen talking to me in my living room and bandaging my glass cuts with the lights flashing right outside the bedrooms for 15 minutes before anyone else woke up and stumbled down the hallway to see what was going on.
I love my wife but she snores and it’s tough for me to get much sleep on the best of nights. It’s more of a mild groaning sound but if we’ve been intimate before bed it turns into full on lumberjack sawing logs, shake the rafters, wake the dead, jackhammer snoring as in you can hear it outside at the end of the driveway.
After 18 years we still have a pretty amazing and active intimate life but in the back of my head each time I’m thinking, Welp I’m not getting any sleep tonight..
At work I’m involved in a huge project and as it’s the last one of the year and the entire US workforce’s end-of-year bonuses depend on my small understaffed team completing this by end of the fiscal year.
It’s a lot of pressure, I’ve been busting my butt working 14 hours a day 6 days a week for months. Between the pressure at work and normal struggle to get sleep, made worse several nights a week, I’d been getting burnt out to the point that I fell asleep in two in person meetings with my execs and bosses and the customers.
My manager pulled me aside and several concerned coworkers asked if I was doing ok.
Between work pressure and my trouble sleeping I was pretty exhausted that night while the wife was wanting to get frisky. I’m struggling to stay awake enough to respond to her and I know how she gets after the deed. I told her “I’m too tired honey” she kept going and I had to repeat “No really, I’m super tired.” She rolled over in a huff “Fine Then!”
Ever since then, she’s been in a passive-aggressive mood. I’ll be watching the latest Star Wars episode with the kids and she’ll come over and say “I thought you were tired, why aren’t you resting right now?” or if I’m playing a game on my phone while waiting for water on the stove to boil to make dinner for everyone “I thought you were too tired for fun” etc. I’ve been sleeping on our sofa while she’s in this mood.
I get more sleep by myself but oh god that thing is so uncomfortable and I wake up with my back hurting and a crick in my neck and having to take ibuprofen first thing in the morning. Nothing like a bad bed to remind you you aren’t young anymore.
AITJ for telling my wife I’m too tired for intimacy?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, here’s an idea: you sleep in different rooms, keep your good intimate life and get better sleep, which in turn allows for better work and intimate life. Would you have the space?” Worldly_Bug_2487
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I feel this post across the miles… the sleepless sleepless miles. I have insomnia and sleep anxiety and it has killed a couple of relationships. If a cricket farts in the next room, I might as well get up and start work.
So it’s separate bedrooms currently. Intimate fun time can happen any time, anywhere, but I need dark, silence and not getting elbows in the face or knees in my gut…. Or I might start to have impure thoughts about the true purpose of the pillow” Bananas4skail
15. AITJ For Not Wanting To Spend Our Savings On A Family Holiday?
“I (f, 26) am on maternity leave but will start study again next year, with 3 years left on my degree.
My partner(m, 28) works full time to support us. We have two kids and decent savings that we are continuously adding to buy our first home in a few years. We live cheaply but are having a small wedding in 3 weeks which we have done a lot of research on how to cut costs for but still is a bit of a hit from our savings.
One of our kids will be having their 4th birthday on said holiday and the other will be 18 months old.
Here we go-
In February my partner’s family proposed a family holiday in a few years for his birthday, his sisters and his parents, they are all having milestone birthdays on the same year.
His parents said they would outlay 5k per family towards the holiday, of which there are 5 families going including themselves.
The families had a lot of discussion around what was doable and a few ideas such as all-inclusive resorts and cruises were thrown around that were just way out of budget for us.
These types of holidays didn’t appeal to me as a mum of young kids. I was firm from the beginning that we had no spare money to put to a holiday as we need to save for a house and I don’t think an international holiday costing thousands of dollars is worth it with such young kids.
We offered a compromise of going to a cheaper nearby destination and getting married on holiday, so we could save money on a wedding and still do the trip, but the other families weren’t keen.
We also offered that the families go without us as their wants for the holiday were much more grand than what we would be willing to pay for.
Again this was refused as they wanted us all to be together and a few people threw out that we wouldn’t have to pay for anything as the other families would come and pay any extra for us.
I was not comfortable with this at all but my partner insisted we go with it.
I dug my heels in so much over not wanting to travel internationally with young kids and not wanting to put our savings towards something other than a house after our wedding that the families agreed to travel by car to a holiday destination.
A big holiday house has been booked for over 20k and a deposit paid.
We have now received an email from his parents informing us that it will each be paying over 4k for the holiday accommodation and they are no longer putting in 5k per family.
We will also have to pay extra for fuel to drive there, food, activities etc.
I now don’t want to go. I feel we were locked into this holiday under false pretenses and now it’s a cost we don’t want to spare.
I DO NOT think anyone owes me a holiday. I just don’t want to spend our savings on this and have said so from the beginning of their planning this idea.
I feel manipulated but my partner is saying we should cut our losses and go because it will be fun.
Am I the jerk for not wanting to go on a family holiday with my soon-to-be inlaws?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your partner and his family are.
Looks like you’re in for the long haul though, so guess get used to compromising? I feel for you because my ex used to plan holidays and events with his family without consulting me or even asking me for any input at all and it used to bother me.
Suffice it to say, we were engaged for 8 years but never got married. He left me for Texas after my dad died to go live with his sister. I think you’re going to have to accept that with this kind of guy, family always comes before you.
I’m sure he has other positive traits and is a great family man. This family loyalty is what makes him so. It’s a tough situation, but choose your battles.” ixtasis
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Is your partner hallucinating? You cut your losses by not going.
Extravagant spending is the opposite of cutting your losses. You only have losses if you go. Don’t go, and don’t pay for anything you never agreed to. And try to educate your partner. You have long term problems if this is your partner’s attitude toward your limited money.” extinct_diplodocus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I’m of the opinion that there’s nothing enjoyable about the idea of vacationing with relatives, full stop. Visit? Sure, sounds fun! But I’m going home at the end of the night.” StAlvis
Either hubby gets on board with this or you need to rethink if this is something HIS FAMILY do regularly
14. AITJ For Wishing My Younger Sister Gets An Infection From Using My Makeup Without Permission?
“Me (13F) and my little sister (7F) butt heads a lot but recently she’s been doing something that has been really bugging me.
I do my makeup in my bathroom because I don’t have a mirror in my room, also it’s a reasonable place to do my makeup.
However, my little sister, let’s call her Sam (fake name of course), she recently had gotten an obsession with girly stuff, which I mean, I understand, she’s growing up, but it really bugs me because she has started sneaking into the bathroom to supposedly “use it” but then she has come out with Mascara, foundation, concealer, and setting powder on.
I usually confront her and she’ll lie and say “no, I didn’t touch your makeup” but I call her out and usually tell her to stop touching stuff that isn’t hers. I usually tell my mom about it and she’ll just say “oh she’s young” or she’ll tell me that she’ll talk to her but never does.
Now, I know for a FACT that I could get an infection or something from her using my mascara and lip gloss, especially because she usually is sick with strep, she gets it a lot. But anyways, she really upset me a few weeks ago because she walked out with my eyeliner on and she had gotten the eyeliner IN HER EYE, which I flipped out about because now I couldn’t use my eyeliner, also, she had just gotten medicine for strep and she was wearing my lip gloss.
So obviously I yelled at her and said “For the last time, Stop touching stuff that isn’t yours!”
And she got upset and ran off into her room, so I stormed off into my mom’s room and told her “for the love of God, you need to punish her or she’ll never learn” and she replied with “it’s fine Haylee” but I got upset and said “so then you wouldn’t mind if I use your makeup then and get your eyeliner in my eyes and make sure to get your lip gloss in my mouth so you can no longer use it?” And she was like “I don’t wanna get an infection from you, so yes, I do mind” and I told her “exactly!
You need to teach her that I have very few stuff that’s mine and only mine and that is one of them, so please tell her to stop touching it and actually punish her because now I can’t use my eyeliner because of it!”
And she said “fine!” And called my sister in there, she had a word with my sister and my sister was victim playing and saying how she just wanted to be like her sister and eventually I yelled “if you aren’t going to stop her maybe an infection will!” And my mom looked at me and said “excuse me?” So I yelled even louder “I hope she gets an infection from using my stuff because maybe it’ll teach her to stop touching stuff that isn’t hers!” And I ran out of the room and grabbed all my makeup and put it in my room.
My mom came in a few hours later telling me to apologize and I refused because I shouldn’t have to move my stuff out of the bathroom I use so that my seven year old sister doesn’t touch it. AITJ?
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she’s old enough to respect boundaries.
It’s too bad your mom isn’t being helpful at all, she’s the jerk here. Kids makeup kits are pretty cheap, maybe make a deal with little sister, if she can keep her hands off your makeup, you’ll get her her own set for birthday/holiday.
My 7-year-old loves hers, she’s better at makeup than I am.” Valkyrie88a
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! Get a locked box for your makeup op. Maybe one that looks like a pencil case or homework so she can’t access it. I have younger siblings too, they have destroyed a lot of my stuff with my family doing little to defend me.
Don’t be like me OP, protect your stuff without doing any damage.” Weird_Abrocoma7835
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mother agreed that she wouldn’t want you using her makeup if there was a risk of infection to her. Your mom doesn’t give a rat’s behind because your sister isn’t using her makeup.
If you replaced yours with your mother’s stuff, your mother would be raging with the blazing fury of a thousand suns.” chaingun_samurai
13. AITJ For Being Upset At My Friend For Bailing On Our Trip Last Minute?
“I (26F) have been friends with “Mariah” (26F) since middle school. We got especially close in our early 20s and lived together for a time. In 2020 I moved across the country and kept in contact but haven’t had the finances to see one another since.
During my time away her online store took off. I’ve always been a supporter of her business by making purchases, promoting her to people, paid her to put a basket together to be auctioned at a personal event, even just straight up gave her some cash when she and her partner were going through a tough time.
Issue: Beginning of the year she announced that she was going to be a panelist for an event in May to promote her business in a state that is about halfway between us (think 10-12 hr drive for either party). I was excited at the chance to see her and support her since it was a more feasible trip than me going all the way to my hometown or vice versa.
Plan was set that I would drive out to the event city on Thurs before (event was Sat) and drive back Mon after. She and her partner were supposed to get into town on Fri and leave Mon.
Fast forward to Thurs, I hit the road at 6am and texted Mariah letting her know.
Around 8:30am she texts back and I call her. Turns out the event host (“Kristen”) texted her at like 11pm the night before saying she fell through on Mariah’s accommodations, so she could still participate in the event but would have to pay her own way for lodging.
Since I had booked my own room with two beds, I offered her and her partner to stay with me at no cost so she could still do the event or we could just have a fun weekend out of town considering I was already like 3 hours into my trip and it was too late for me to cancel my bookings.
Mariah declined my offer stating she already told Kristen they weren’t going with the excuse that she could be filling orders instead.
I confirmed that she did see Kristen’s text Wed night and asked her why I wasn’t notified then. Her excuses was that she was already in bed and on her period so she wanted to wait until morning… I have known her for 10+ years, I’m familiar with her period/pms. It’s not that bad.
I basically told her that’s a bs excuse, and I should have been notified asap, not hours into my trip on the day she knew I was leaving.
Despite all my previous support she accused me of not taking her business seriously when I made the point that she would’ve already scheduled herself to not be able to fill orders while out of town for the event so it shouldn’t matter if she was planning to do the event or not (which she 100% still could have with my offer).
I told her I was upset and felt that my time and efforts to see and support her were so disrespected since I offered Mariah a practical solution but she just wanted an excuse not to go. She started to yell at me, so I ended the call because I don’t tolerate that kind of treatment.
So AITJ for being upset and telling her that she disrespected me by bailing on the trip?”
Another User Comments:
“Not the jerk… time for you to divorce yourself from this “friendship”… It seems she has moved on with her life and does not want to include you.
Her gaslighting you should be the final nail in this “friendship” coffin. If I got this right she already decided NOT to go before you called her. You offering her your room, just smoked out her BS… So no.. you did nothing wrong.” 50pluspiller
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Tbh if she took her business seriously, she would have found other lodgings or accepted your offer to attend the event. It’s a pretty big deal to be invited to these things. Being in bed and on her period is a weak excuse when it takes 10 seconds to send a text or better yet, spend 10 minutes talking to an old friend about the issue.” fIumpf
Another User Comments:
“You are definitely not the jerk but your friend sounds like an inconsiderate and self-absorbed jerk. She completely disrespected your time and support. The fact that she declined your generous offer of an alternative place to stay at no cost sounds to me like your suggestion that she had already decided not to go rings true.
She owes you an apology for being an inconsiderate jerk” New_Statement7746
12. AITJ For Losing My Temper At My Mom While I Was In The Hospital?
“I’m (36/m) writing this from the ER because earlier this afternoon I started having extremely bad pain in my back. It turns out I have a kidney stone.
I am divorced and have two children who need to be picked up from school. Today is my day for pickup, but as I am in the hospital, I couldn’t make it.
I text my ex-wife on the way to the hospital but she had not read my message by 2:30 – an hour before pick up. So I text my mom and asked if she could get them if my ex didn’t respond.
Before I go further, here’s a little background on my family.
My family is VERY unhelpful. I believe that if someone in your immediate family asks for help that, if you’re able to, you should go help them because they probably wouldn’t ask if they didn’t really need it. I’ve done this many times for my mom, dad, and brothers but they rarely do anything for anyone else when asked. I can count only 4 or 5 times in the last 7 or 8 years that I’ve asked for help with something and any of them have said yes.
Another example, back when I was 18 I asked my parents for help moving into college and they wouldn’t. Instead my friend’s family came to my house, helped me load all my stuff, drove me to university, and moved me into the dorm.
Anyway, back to the ER – I wrote my mom and said ‘Hey, I have a kidney stone and I’m in the ER.
I text [ex-wife] to see about picking up kids, but she hasn’t written back yet. Can you pick them up if I don’t hear from her?’ To my moms credit, she called my ex and talked to her. My mom replied ‘She’s gonna write you back.’
Next, I get a text from my ex. “Your mom called and asked me to get the kids. I have plans tonight. So, what are you gonna [sic] planning to do.” This is pretty typical.
At that moment the morphine was starting to kick in but I was still in pain and I was about to go for a CT.
So, without even replying to the ex-wife I text my mom and said “Can you guys please figure this out? I really can’t right now.”
My mom: “I’m working. She’s their mother she should get them.”
At that point I flipped out. No amount of morphine could have softened how angry I became at her complete disregard for me.
I am in the hospital for crying out loud! Not even that warrants her help?
So, I sent out a series of pretty harsh texts that said: “You two are no help. I don’t give a flip whose kids they are, I’m asking YOU for help!!!
Just forget it. I’m serious, I’ll deal with it. BTW, I’m trying to work too. You’re not the only one with a job!” For the record, I had no idea how I was gonna “deal with it”. Luckily, my ex text me back at that moment and said that someone in her family would go get them for me.
As I’m writing this I am feeling pretty foolish for even asking my mom. So I am probably the jerk for even trying to ask my family in the first place considering their track record.
My mom hasn’t replied. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. I’m sorry your family is so unhelpful, but given that they *are* so unhelpful, you really should have a more reliable backup plan for emergencies. You can’t say “I don’t give a flip whose kids they are” – they’re your kids, OP.
If you need a better support system, go out and build one. I hope you feel better soon.” coffeemom23
Another User Comments:
“No jerk here. Luckily, I’ve only ever had to call for emergency help once when my eldest broke his arm and I needed youngest to be picked up.
Partner was interstate for work. Thankfully, Mum did the job. Maybe have a think about who else (outside of ex and family), a trusted neighbour or friend who can do it, maybe a fellow parent at school?” Brilliant-Arthur
Another User Comments:
“That hurts my heart for you, that both of these women made it so hard for you when they should have been helping to alleviate your stress during such a painful event.
Especially because your kids will likely be scared when they hear that you’re in the hospital, and will need another caregiver until you’re better. That sucks, and I’m sorry. No jerk here, and hope you feel better soon.” Alarming-Quiet-4788
11. AITJ For Wanting My Husband To Stop Exaggerating His Pain?
“Michael (my husband) acts like a cartoon character/baby and it’s driving me mad and is a huge turn-off. He didn’t act like this when we were seeing each other and it showed up somewhere between our first and second kid (we have 6). For example, he will bump his toe and will grab it and hop up and down yelling, “yaaahhhaaaaooooo!”.
Then limp around sucking in air and exclaiming, “aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh, ahhhhhhhhh” for at least an hr. But will mention it for days after. He will bump his elbow…”ahhhhh ahhhhhh ohhhhhh wow! Man! Whoas! Ouch!” And on and on. If I accidentally bump him or say I’m getting under the covers and the blanket hits him….
“ohhhh.. wow….you got me! Man! Ahhhhh!!” And so on. He is dead serious.
Now I know all this sounds silly. I know everyone has different pain thresholds and I’m always usually concerned if he hurts himself. I say usually because recently (within the past few years) I just look at him.
Wait until he is done with his performance and ask if he’s good. Recently I just want to tell him to stop. Stop with all of that. It scares/really worries the kids sometimes. I know it probably hurts but stop make such a scene.
I should also say I’m incredibly weak. There isn’t a way I can hurt him using my body. He even says so himself. I was on bedrest for my last 4 pregnancies plus I have a rib and shoulder injury. It’s hard for me to use any force pushing out or pulling in.
I struggle cutting a cucumber. No joke.
But if I accidentally bump into him when I’m in the kitchen he will do what I wrote above. I also want to add he will make this noise and keep checking if I’m looking and if our eyes meet he will make painful faces.
If he thinks I’m not looking he will walk and act fine until he knows I’m looking or around then will start limping and making noise.
Thing is I’ve seen this man drop several pieces of drywall weighing in the 100s on his toe and not even flinch if he is in front of his coworkers (he did this when he was working construction).
He didn’t even come home right away even though we thought he might have broken his foot. His foot was black blue and the green forever! I just don’t understand it. It’s getting on my nerves but also makes me feel bad. Why isn’t he tough around me sometimes?
Sometimes I need him to be strong but in almost all situations he acts weak. Why does he always want me to baby him?
It’s such a turn-off and emotionally draining to have someone acting weak all the time. He even says he looks for my pity when I ask him why he does this.
I tell him we have 6 kids that I need to be emotionally there for and he wants to suck it out of me. This is just 1 of the ways he does it. And he does it all the time. He wants all my time and energy to be on him.
I hope this makes sense. WIBTJ if I told him to cut it out and suck it up?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s clear that this has gotten long past the point of tiring. He needs to stop acting like you’re his mum. You’ve got 6 kids already.
He’s meant to be the co parent and the other pillar of stability in the house not behaving like another kid. I’d be concerned that your kids might pick up these habits too.” 06mst
Another User Comments:
“NTJ maybe sit him down and have the conversation with him.
Explain it all, tell him that you don’t find his behaviour attractive and he is scaring the kids. Tell him if he is in that much pain he needs to see a doctor, if he is unwilling to see a doctor then he is intentionally lying to get attention and it has to stop now.
Suggest therapy to help him deal with his issues. Then ignore him anytime he does it. Just walk away. Don’t engage at all. He complains remind him of your conversation – see a doctor as this is not normal or stop lying for attention. If he can’t or won’t stop then you will need to work out if you want another baby to look after (him).” Ecstatic_Media_6024
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This sounds like manipulative behaviour on his part. Very immature. I suggest trying to get him to seek therapy for this. I suspect he’ll utterly refuse though. I suggest you get therapy for yourself however. Because just some of the things you’ve said…it sounds to me like there’s a lot of unhealthy things happening in your relationship.” wackycats354
10. AITJ For Confronting My Fiancée's Father After Years of Disrespect?
“I (M22) have been with my partner (F23) for 5 years. We met in college, and ended up settling down in our current town.
We’re doing great, and I cannot wait to marry this woman.
Now onto the problem: her dad. In our relationship, my MIL has always been our safest and most stable point of contact. She and my partner (easier to type) regularly spoke nightly on facetime, checking in w/ each other and my BIL.
FIL was always more of a passing voice or a quick wave. He was vocal about his dislike of me, and told me several times that I was not what he wanted for his daughter. He insulted both me and my partner whenever he could for any reason he could find, and I believe that us being together may be the cause of his anger.
Unfortunately my partner’s mother passed away quite unexpectedly in 2022. It just got worse after her passing.
He came to visit us this past month to mend bridges, and it seemed to be going well. I grilled on our porch, we ate, talked, and after, we were in the kitchen.
Unprompted, he started verbally attacking my partner again for her “lifestyle” (I am a trans man, on HRT 2+ years), her job, her car, anything/everything, peppering in the occasional “Well I care about you BUT I think you should be doing-” It got worse and worse until she was a sobbing mess in the corner of our kitchen, and I put my foot down.
Firmly and loudly.
5 years of rage, anger, hurt, and fury came out over that kitchen table. This was finally the straw that broke the camel’s back. I finally told him that the way he treats her is completely unacceptable, and I snapped.
I told him to either meet my partner where she is with respect and civility, or to get out of our house.
I told him that as a man, I would be ashamed if I ever treated my future children like he had, and it was telling that he was unable to treat his grown daughter with respect and love that she DESERVES and disrespected her in her own home.
I was very direct and told him that if he refuses to change, not only will he will not be invited to our wedding, he will not be invited to our home ever again, and he will NEVER meet his grandchildren. I told him that my priority will never be appeasing him, it will be ensuring that my partner is happy, healthy, loved, and cared for.
Whether that was with or without him was in his own hands.
I told him that my family loves my partner. They ask me how she is, take us out to dinner when we see them, text her, she’s in our family group chats. My parents tell her ALL THE TIME how loved, smart, kind, caring, considerate, and compassionate she is.
She hears that she’s an amazing woman because she IS. I told FIL that she deserved to hear that from her own family, and if he couldn’t say it, that told us all we needed to know about his character. He hasn’t tried to speak to me since.
So… AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ It is natural to want to defend your partner. In addition, it seems like if you are taking hormones that might be stimulating a “puberty” of sorts, it might be natural to have elevated emotional responses. I am interested to know how your partner felt in the moment and whether she intervened at all,” sroxod
maybe give him a set amount of time to PROVE he HAS CHANGED, if there is a way to set up security incase he starts on the day of the wedding.. as in he puts on a performance of changed man just to get to the wedding, then suddenly flips back have the police called escorted him away then see of partner is ready to cut him off permanently
9. AITJ For Feeling Burdened By Being The Sole Caretaker For My Grandmother?
“I’m 23 & live with my partner of 3 years, my 1 year old son, & my grandmother. I moved in with my grandparents around age 2 & my grandfather passed away in 2017 at the beginning of my senior year, then I became the primary supporter.
Between 2019 & 2020 she had multiple hospital stays, & was unable to care for herself alone for that time due to her health which caused me to lose two good jobs due to absences to take care of her. My dad & uncle always had some excuse as to why they couldn’t stay with her, & just generally seemed like they felt it wasn’t their responsibility.
I went back & forth with them often during that time needing help with taking her to appointments & getting her in & out of the house, nearly always getting some response as to why they couldn’t & basically making it seem like its just my job.
Around this time, I met my partner, he moved in & also began helping support the household & has taken on my responsibilities as his own, he helped her with baths & bathroom breaks, & general transport since she was too heavy for me to do so.
We were able to move into a new house, then I got pregnant & could no longer work full time so he pays the main bills & my income is supplemental & grocery money. We barely scrape by most months, but our living situation is good & that’s all I could ask for.
The issue I run into is regular complaints that things aren’t getting done when or the way that she wants them done. We have been having issues with this for a while, & I understand that she is used to things being a certain way from her past as a military wife, but I want to be able to learn how to be an adult on my own & find what works for me.
The house looks lived in, not gross & not spotless, but it’s certainly not dirty like she seems to make it out to be. Aside from wanting things done on her schedule, when we do get up the motivation to start on something we need to do, she’s telling us ways we should do it or that our way is wrong.
After over 20 years of dealing with this, I am getting burnt out & I am extremely thankful for the childhood I got from living with my grandparents & they raised me to be a great human if I say so myself, but it is starting to feel like a burden that I am the only one having to put my life on hold to make sure everything she needs is taken care of when she has 2 other kids who are fully grown & one of which (my dad) has fully grown kids.
I can’t make plans without making sure she doesn’t have an appointment first, & I can hardly leave the house on my own without her trying to come along every time because she “never gets out”, but I don’t get out any more often & sometimes want some alone time.
I have tried setting up alternative living situations with my uncle & dad, but they never work out due to their uncleanliness or general logistics of their living situations. I just want a break, I’m always far more organized during her stays elsewhere.
Am I the jerk for feeling burdened by the responsibility of sole caretaker for my grandmother?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. At all. And as a fellow caregiver for a loved one, I understand the pressure you’re under. I can’t imagine being as young as you are and doing what I’m doing now. Caregivers rarely get the financial or emotional support needed to maintain a healthy well-being.
Because they’ve never experienced the harsher realities of the situation. “You owe them,” they say, in cases like yours. Despite your dad and uncle also “owing them” and still doing nothing. They definitely need a firm talking to; at the very least, an intense guilt trip.
You definitely need to find yourself a good support group, people who can empathize with what you’re going through. It’s OK to prioritize yourself. It’s OK to be selfish sometimes. It’s OK to say “This is what’s going to happen” and give yourself a break.
It’s OK to ask for help when you need it.” ThisIsTheCaptain
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If your family won’t help out, find a nursing home that takes Medicare and get her moved. It sucks, but you shouldn’t have to spend your life caring for her.” DMoplenty
Carer burnout is VERY REAL and VERY COMMON.. and this is what you are experiencing. Ask grandma if she us open to getting a home help in a couple of days a week to help out, or would she rather you end up seriously poorly and she go in a home seeing how her own kids can't be bothered with her and won't help.. put it on the line with her before your health crashes and your child ends up at risk cos you have had a breakdown
8. AITJ For Not Informing My Roommate About My Overnight Stays At Home?
“I (20yf) live with my roommate in a dorm(18yf). I took a couple of gap years in order to afford school before I went and now that I’m here it’s a requirement for me to live in a dorm for at least one year.
My roommate and I didn’t talk much before moving in together, however she seemed very normal and our personalities aligned really well. Well we move in together when school starts and it started off okay, just awkward. And then she got comfortable… I had seen a photo of her partner that she keeps on her desk so I knew what she looked like and one day I came home to find them in bed together, but I was in a rush so I just left quickly and didn’t even say anything since I was shocked I hadn’t been alerted of company.
I came back a few hours later and walked into an awkward scattered moment where they were both grabbing things in order to leave. I politely asked “Oh is this your partner? It’s nice to meet you!” However my roommate looked panicked and then told me that it was not in fact her partner and that it was in fact one of her new friends… you get the point.
They both run out of the room and leave. I sit down to do homework however my roommate has a habit of leaving the windows down and I heard something outside, it was them hugging and being creepily touchy. I shut the window and didn’t say anything about it when she came back because I was incredibly uncomfortable.
Recently I went home to go visit my family, I live pretty far away from school so I told my roommate I might just stay there that night (she tells me when she’s gonna go home on occasion). So I left and went home and slept over and hung out with everyone.
However when I returned to school she was angry at me! Asking me why I never told her I was actually staying there, saying I’m disrespectful for not letting her know and that I have bad communication? Now I know I’m not always the best roommate given I can be a little messy at times when school gets busy, however I’ve always been extremely communicative and always respectful of her.
Asking if she needs anything, giving her medicine when sick, sharing my food even when she doesn’t share hers, etc. I was shocked at first and then I realized that the reason she wanted to know for sure if I was coming back, was so that she could have her new friend over.
I can’t bring myself to say anything about the situation since technically she’s never confirmed anything? So I don’t want to assume and dig myself a hole. However I did point out that just because we’re roommates does not mean I need to text her a play-by-play of where I’m going.
I explained we’re both adults and capable of making good choices and the only person who has a right to want to track me is my literal mom. I told her it’s not like I care where she goes/what she does and I expect the same respect.
After all I keep her little secret even though I’m incredibly uncomfortable in my own room. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“You aren’t lovers. You’re roommates. In fact you’re roommates who haven’t exchanged lots of intimate details about your social lives and experiences. So, why would she expect you to tell her you’d be gone or were staying in all weekend?
You haven’t built that infrastructure between you yet. If she hasn’t so much as announced she’s having a guest over – you are just two people who don’t seem to exchange much? Considering her petulance, lots of people would start telling her even less. But, if you want peace and quiet just tell her that you had no idea she made her arrangements based on YOUR plans.
And anytime she needs more information, she should text you. NTJ.” AndSoItGoes24
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If she was so concerned about your whereabouts, and wanted to see if she could have someone over, she should have just asked you. It’s not your responsibility to check in with her, to see if she wants to bring company over.” Arietis24
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What you basically have there, is a human cockroach. Take, take, take, no give, and gets angry when you try to deal with it. If you’re the original person staying there and took in the roommate, I’d tell her she needs to start looking for somewhere else to go.
You need to be comfortable where you’re staying, and if she’s making your life uncomfortable, she can take a hike and go find someone else’s life to ruin.” Mouthtrap
7. AITJ For Finishing Baby Shower Invitations My Husband Was Supposed To Do?
“Baby shower for first baby is being thrown by MIL and (somewhat) my mother in Dec. Knowing that my mom isn’t very crafty or helpful, I’ve offered to do a few tasks so it’s not all on my MIL and SIL.
Party will be co-ed, so the men are invited as well. My husband said he’d help and I asked him to compile all the addresses we’d need. He did so and added them to the word file needed to print the addresses on the envelopes.
I created the invites digitally and got them printed. We wanted them to be mailed early in the first week in October (this week). I mentioned printing the envelopes over last weekend but we got too busy to do them.
I told my husband I wanted to download a font that matches the invites for the envelopes and he said if I got the names he’d download them.
I texted him the names at 10am on Tues. He gets home from work at 2-ish. When I got home at 6pm, he was napping on the couch. I figured he was tired and I went upstairs to the computer to see if he did the envelopes.
He didn’t. I wasn’t mad or anything as he was obviously tired, but I was anxious to get them out so I started checking the spelling and downloading the font.
He came upstairs a few minutes later, furious, telling me to get off the computer because he was going to do them.
I let him know I already started editing and it’ll take me a minute to finish. He started yelling, saying “that was my task and you’re taking it away from me!”. He gets thrown for a loop sometimes with changes in plans, but he usually does not start out yelling like this.
I told him I wasn’t mad and I wasn’t taking it from him, I just saw he was tired and wanted to get them done really quickly. He began saying he can’t believe I’d be so insulting to him as to tale away his task.
I told him I’m not taking it away and there are many tasks he can also help with, but that he was getting irrationally mad about this and he should go calm down. I asked if there was something else wrong or if he had a bad day because he’s not normally this agitated. (Side note – he suffers from bipolar disorder but is well-medicated and has hardly ever had an outburst like this).
He walked away and came back telling me to get off his computer and saying he hoped I was saving what I was doing because he was going to “cut the power to the house.” That’s when I got furious, as my abusive older brother used to do that to me as a little kid when my parents weren’t home to scare/control me.
I told him if he cut the power, he’d be packing himself a bag in the dark then because I was not going to give in to this abusive tantrum.
Honestly, if he had said calmly “I’d really like to finish the project.” I would have gotten up.
But the way he confronted me about it struck me as something I can’t give in to because I didn’t want him thinking it was an ok way to communicate to me. I know that sounds patronizing, so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I may be pessimistic but my mind automatically went to “Is this really about “taking his task”, or is he hiding something on the computer?” Because if this is not normal behavior, this is a really strange thing to get this mad about, yell about, and to threaten to cut the power to the house about.
Not trying to put things in your head OP but wth? NTJ.” Ok-Context1168
Another User Comments:
“ESH- words, instead of just taking over the task (which you did by doing something you’d ask him to) you needed to talk to him beforehand. And him making threats like that isn’t cool at all.
Sadly I’ve seen lots of posts about guys going off like this when their spouse is pregnant, I guess its because they can’t control the situation and feel rather apart from the whole thing. Please just sit down with him and talk it over once you both have cool heads.” shadow-foxe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and from the replies I’ve read OP you are very aware of his feelings and you are doing good. Today is the day to sit down and discuss the issue openly and honestly and calmly. It sounds like y’all have a healthy relationship and just need to come back to a conversation about how he is feeling and how you are feeling” Stunning-Fix-5672
6. AITJ For Demanding My Unpaid Salary From My Best Friend's Ex-Husband?
“I’ve (36F) been best friends with Sarah (36F) since high school. We always had a good relationship for decades even though we moved to far away cities.
Her husband Aaron (36M) has his own startup company built from scratch and is quite a workaholic.
When I quit my job 2 years ago, she offered me a job in her husband’s firm where she also works.
One day, she called me crying. Apparently, she had texted a guy months ago then felt guilty and stopped, deleted the texts. Aaron just found out, instantly fired her.
Put divorce papers and threatened her with not showing the kids. Telling kids their mother was dishonest if she did not sign the papers.
You know, I was still a good friend to her during all this. I was like, you made a mistake yes, but it doesn’t mean you should be homeless.
I mean, I dislike dishonest people but, I get it.. in a way at least. He neglected her way too long. He was her first partner and I get why she might wonder if grass was greener. All good reasons to divorce though not being dishonest.
She agreed to most of his demands, and he calmed down. She did some meditation stuff and forgave herself. And she was happy as a clam 3 weeks later.
Meanwhile, Aaron, started rethinking the decisions Sarah made for the company. I asked Aaron if I should brace myself for dismissal, since she hired me.
He assured me, “we are professionals, you provide value.”
So, I rejected a good-paying a job offer. Although Aaron didn’t pay me that well, working remote, and working next room from my baby was important.
Two weeks later he fired me. Telling, they were in debt and couldn’t afford my salary.
He told me, according to law they have 15 days to pay my severance wage and they were going to use it. I waited 15 days, no pay. I called my lawyer, “there is no such a law, have to pay the day they fire you”. I called Aaron, he tries to gaslight me and says, I didn’t say it is the law, I just said we were out of money and requested you to give us some time, I’ll just pay half of it next month, other half the month after.
I am bad at confrontation, I made my husband call Aaron. They are not friends but you know, best friends husbands end up spending time together in events… It wasn’t that out of box thinking to make him call Aaron to mediate, since they know each other.
My husband wasn’t rude, said things like we’ll sue you.
Aaron said they made me a favor by hiring me pregnant and allowing me remote. So it was my turn to make a favor for allowing them to pay whenever. Dude I didn’t beg for a job, your ex wife came to me with an offer!
Right after this call Sarah texted me, saying I shouldn’t have allowed my husband involved, If I didn’t understand anything all I had to do was to ask and Aaron would explain… I texted back, Aaron lied to me multiple times, I do not need his words, I need actions.
And it is between me and Aaron, you don’t work there anymore, and you are not his wife anymore, so you are the one who shouldn’t be involved.
She blocked me everywhere. Mutual friends says I am the jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“Most of the first part of the post is irrelevant.
Your friend’s husband offered you a job. You accepted. He terminated you. He owes you money, by law, and has not paid you. In addition, his statements on the phone are highly suspect, as discrimination against pregnant women is illegal in the US (and in most other countries).
Your former employer has committed wage theft and possible sex-based discrimination. That your friend chooses to support his crimes is what is breaking your friendship, not your seeking your legal rights. NTJ.” SKDI_0224
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But maybe “the shortsighted.” The second you learned that the person who hired you was tangled up in a messy divorce with the person who owns the company, you should’ve been looking for the exit.
Startups are not known for their stellar HR departments. Nothing he told you when you asked about your job security was trustworthy. He was buying himself time, nothing more. I hope you turned down that other offer in a way that left the door open for future opportunities.
I’d reach out to that company and let them know that your circumstances have changed, and if there are still any openings that would be a good fit, you’d love to discuss them.” DiTrastevere
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for the work situation part, you should just bring the law into it The rest of the post was icky though, all the mental gymnastics of why being dishonest isn’t that bad and it is totally understandable I can see why Aaron would feel negatively towards you if you ever brought any of that up to your “friend.”” Mysterious_Stock76
5. AITJ For Making Plans On The Same Night As My Wife When She Rarely Goes Out?
“My wife rarely goes out with friends (~6 times/year) and has never been very social and prefers spending time with me. I am more social, but that has declined as we have focused on our family (we have a 2-year-old daughter), and I spend time with the same 3 friends once/week for games night (sometimes in person, sometimes online).
I have another 3 friends that I see only once every 2 months, also for games night. If I go out my wife will tend to our daughter (I often still help with dinner/bedtime, but sometimes leave earlier than this). Our daughter’s bedtime is 7:30pm, and she often sleeps through the night without fuss (wakes up fussing maybe 5% of the time).
I always offer for my wife sleep in the next day, or something similar in exchange for me going out so that It’s not a one-sided thing.
She made plans to spend an evening this weekend out with friends, she would be out from 6pm until late.
After she made those plans, I was invited to my friend’s birthday thing with my “second” friend group, if I went I would be gone from 5pm until late. Last time I saw them was exactly one month ago. I brought this plan up with my wife as I wanted to make arrangements for a family member to take our daughter for the evening.
She was irritated by this, and argued that I should stay home. I have since spoken with a family member who is happy to take our daughter at 5pm and have her stay the night and I have communicated this to my wife.
I made it clear that this will not affect her plans at all, I will be responsible for dropoff and pickup of our daughter, and will not ask anything of my wife because I understand that it is rare for her to have a night out like this and so I don’t want her to change her plans at all.
She still thinks that I should stay home.
Her arguments:
– She says that since she always covers for me that I should also cover for her
– She doesn’t want to ask this family member to have our daughter for the night because she thinks we ask too much of them
My arguments:
– I am covering for her as she does not have to change her plans and doesn’t have to do anything for our daughter
– This family member loves watching our daughter, and my wife is often quick to agree to leave our daughter there for sleepovers plenty of other evenings out of convenience (eg: we will be there for dinner and put our daughter to sleep there so we can visit longer, then we will leave her there for the night) so I don’t see why this time its too much to ask
I feel like she wants me to stay home as a form of punishment for going out more frequently than she would prefer. “Punishment” feels too strong of a word, I don’t think there is any major resentment behind this or anything, I just don’t know how else to describe the feeling.
So, AITJ here for making plans to go out the same night my wife also already had plans to go out, even though I am covering all arrangements for our daughter for the evening?”
Another User Comments:
“Look, YTJ either way but what I haven’t seen anyone mention is that you said you would be responsible for pick up and drop off.
Sir, your daughter is two years old, picking her up after her bedtime is disruptive to her schedule and quite frankly (as a mother to three toddlers) this will make her cranky and want her mother. Not only that, I’m guessing your daughter wakes up fairly early so, are you planning to get up with her in the morning?
Let’s be real, you said your wife rarely goes out. Give her this. Stay home with your daughter and get up with her in the morning.” s-nicolexo
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – Really inconsiderate here. Parenting your daughter isn’t a punishment, it’s what happens when you decide to have a child with your wife.
You go out much more often than she does. Your wife understandably wants you to take care of her for one night, & I totally understand not trusting even family with her, if that’s the issue. Most CSA comes from family.. disregarding any of that, you’re her FATHER and she’s your DAUGHTER.
Why is it so hard for you to watch her? Shirking the responsibility onto someone else instead of watching her for one night is wrong. Your friends should understand you have a child and can’t go out whenever. Grow up, she’s your child too.” irregularunreliable
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You’re pawning your daughter off because of what you want to do instead of being a dad (so much for focusing on family). Having your child in the hands of another person immediately creates stress for the (seemingly) more involved parent, the sitters, and the child.
You can miss one night with your friends.” rewrite95
She's not punishing you she's asking you to parent YOUR DAUGHTER 1x out of the 62 nights out you have in a year compared to wife's 6nights A YEAR... oh so basically she does the bulk of the childcare gets 6nights out a year while you get 62nights out and you think she's punishing you !!!! Now if you on,y went out 6x a year like her then yeah her ask would be unreasonable but... dude GROW UP
4. AITJ For Not Telling The Waitress My Order Was Wrong On A Date?
“I (22M) went on a 2nd outing with this girl (20F) that I really liked. First outing was good. We had good conversation and I enjoyed her presence. We had planned a second outing at a gastropub. She had suggested it I hadn’t been and I don’t drink but I wanted to hang out with her so I didn’t care what we did.
It was pretty chill in there. She was making me laugh, and we were just having a great time. We get loaded tater tots as the appetizer (which I ate) for the main dish I order a burger that had a bunch of stuff on it but I SPECIFICALLY asked for NO lettuce and tomato.
Our food comes and my burger has lettuce and tomato on it and I’m playing it cool, I’m not even mentioning it to her. She’s eating her dish and I’m just eating my fries. I’m trying to hide it but it’s very noticeable to NOT take a bite of my big burger.
And she says “why aren’t you eating your burger” and I say “not lying sometimes when I go on outings I get so nervous I don’t want to eat” (this WAS a lie).
The waitress came around and asked us if we needed anything and I asked for ketchup.
She comes back with it and then asked if there was anything wrong with my burger and I said “no I can I get a box though” which I thought was a really good move.
The outing is going well. She’s done with her food and I’ve eaten my fries and only my burger is left on my plate.
Out of NOWHERE she says “are you sure you don’t want to eat? You know we are doing something after” and I said like yeah I’m good, not really hungry. And then she says “didn’t you ask for no lettuce?” and I said “oh I didn’t even notice” and then the conversation hit a lul and she said “if your food is wrong you can say something.
It’s not a big deal” and I said “oh no it’s fine, I’m going to bring it home”.
The waitress comes back and brings us the box and asks if we need anything else and I say no but she says “actually his burger was wrong.
It has lettuce” I DID NOT tell her to do this. The waitress starts being like oh I’m so sorry we can make you a new one. And I said “no it’s ok I’m bringing it home” the waitress said “it’s totally fine we can get you a burger on the house” and I said “I’m bringing this one home it’s not a problem” and then she left.
Then my date said “why would you do that? They were going to give you a free burger” and I said “it ISN’T a big deal I’m just going to take it home, I don’t want to start anything. Why do you care?
I’m paying for the meal anyway.” And then it was kinda awkward after that.
She brought the check, and I left a tip. I said “are you ready to go?” and she said “actually I know we had plans but I’m kinda tired, I’m just going to go home.
It was nice seeing you though” and then left.
It was like she was mad at me for not yelling at the waitress. I just didn’t want to be a Karen or whatever.
AITJ for not being a jerk to the waitress?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ You literally lied to your date about not having noticed lettuce on your burger It’s obviously enough of an issue that you can’t just take the lettuce and tomato off the burger and eat it So why bring it home? Why suffer when it is literally the waitress’s job to check and see if any mistakes were made with your food?
Why do you think you’d need to yell at her to get it fixed? You might THINK you’re being a big person by suffering but it’s actually worse for everyone around you. You aren’t getting a third date.” DungeonEnvy
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for implying this girl wanted you to yell at the waitress.
She wanted you to not make the meal awkward by going to ridiculous lengths to avoid the slightest hint of conflict. But at the same time, it’s for the best. She now has insight into who you are and can use that information to decide if she wants to continue seeing you.” Gloomy_Ruminant
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, but not because you didn’t yell at the waitress. When you realised your burger was wrong you could have – eaten it anyway – removed the lettuce and tomato and eaten the burger – told the staff it was wrong and get it remade But instead you sat there picking at your food, being a martyr, and when the woman you were with pointed out the error, you got shirty with her.
She wasn’t cross that you didn’t yell at the waitress. Why would you yell at the waitress? She was cross because you were behaving like a jellyfish and then got upset at her.” Kirstemis
3. AITJ For Suggesting My Partner's Son Should Learn to Drive?
“So I am using the term partner loosely. We text during the week and go on outings during the weekend. She usually stays one night or so per weekend at my place. I never go to her place. I have never met her son and her son doesn’t know I exist. One of those types of relationships if you want to call it that which I am fine with.
We both work a lot during the week and I like having my own house to myself.
Her son is 17 and will be 18 in three months. He gets good grades, plays sports and has absolutely nothing wrong with him. My partner’s parents’ bought him a very nice car when he turned 16.
My partner’s parents’ are retired and borderline wealthy and take the son to a private school 20min away every morning and pick him up every evening.
This is in rural southern USA. There is no uber, doordash, lift any of that. If you need to go somewhere you have to drive.
The closest gas station is a minimum of 4 miles away.
I am 38 years old and had a dirt bike and ATV when I was 11. My only rule growing up was be home before dark. Which I obviously grew up in a different world than we have today.
Argument:
This started innocently enough. My partner had a rare break at work for a few days and her parents told her to take her son to school instead of them. She was complaining about getting up a 6am on her day off when I chimed in that her son is about to be 18 and had his own car that he should be driving himself to school.
Her: He’s not ready to start driving he says he is uncomfortable.
Me: Well that’s normal for a new driver. The way you become comfortable is by driving. Has he had driver’s education at ?
Her: Oh that’s an elective and he says he isn’t taking it.
Me: Well driving is a very important skill that everyone should learn. The sooner he starts the better, he is already behind.
Her: He is not behind! Driving is not a requirement. I don’t care if he ever learns how to drive. I am not going to force him to do anything that makes him uncomfortable and dangerous.
Me (flabbergasted): Um being uncomfortable is a normal feeling when learning new skills. Driving is an absolute requirement for adults. What if he needed to rush you to the hospital?
Her: That’s what ambulances are for! Besides you don’t have kids and have never raised kids so what would you know?!
Me: This is true I haven’t, and I grew up in a different time and era. I am entitled to my opinion though and I think we need to agree to disagree and drop this subject for the evening.
That was pretty much the end of it.
We dropped it and continued on with our normal date. I could tell she was irked by my comments but I avoided the topic. A couple of days later she told me she had to drop her son off for an outing?! before she would be on to my house.
I shuddered and told her I would see her soon.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – I got my license at 22, I think my mom was 15. I know people in their 30s who still don’t drive. (In places that don’t have public transit) I get that every kid in the middle of nowhere is usually excited to learn how to drive as soon as they can, but not everyone is excited about driving.
I was terrified and had to take extra lessons just to get my license. I’m a confident driver now, but at 22 I was still terrified.” Visual-Lobster6625
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I agree with you that **in general,** someone who is an adult, doesn’t have some sort of disability or medical condition, and doesn’t live in a major city with good public transit, needs to have their license.
If someone doesn’t want to drive if they can avoid it, if they don’t want to drive at night, in bad weather, etc., or if they don’t want to own a car, that’s fine, but I think as a parent, you owe it to your child to prepare them to be a self-sufficient adult and in most of the US, that means knowing how to drive.
**This specific situation** was none of your business.” liquidmccartney8
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. She is clearly correct to keep you away from him. You have no relationship with him. You get no opinion when it comes to his driving. I waited until I was almost 18 to start driving and that was only because I knew I’d need to have to drive myself to college soon.” ApprehensiveBook4214
2. AITJ For Getting Upset With A Girl For Making Plans After Me?
“Let me start by giving some context. I am great friends with who we’ll call Sarah. We met through youth group when we both attended years ago, had feelings for each other at one point, and have loosely stayed in touch in the past year.
For a bit of time, I was thinking it would be nice to catch up with her. We’ll do this time to time, and the funny thing is each time one of us brings this up as an idea, the other will say that they’ve been thinking about wanting to do the same.
Anyways, this time after not speaking for a few months, she gave me a text. So naturally, I agreed and said I’d love to see her. I then asked what she was doing Friday. She responded that she had free time between 1:30 and 9:30 pm.
Since I couldn’t be free til around 7, I asked if we should choose another day.
She thought that we would still have some decent time, so we might as well go for it. Even though I wanted the night to go later, I didn’t put too much thought into it and agreed. Fast forward to the night, we went to a local coffee shop where I bought her gelato, and we had a great time.
Later on she showed me her dorm and projects she had recently worked on for classes. Everything went great until 10 pm came and she said we’d have to end our time because she was meeting up with another guy. Now I’ll admit I don’t really have the intention of seeing her seriously long-term, but with that being said, I felt a little bit like I was just the appetizer warming her up for her second date that night.
The gelato wasn’t extremely expensive, but deep down I felt like I at least was owed the dignity of knowing I could be her date that night. Am I the jerk for feeling somewhat frustrated about this?”
Another User Comments:
“What you guys did sounds like two friends catching up, not at all romantic.
She was absolutely entitled to meet up with someone else later that she had *already* made plans with prior to making plans with you. And don’t buy things for girls if you expect that you should “get something out of it”. What you got was a fun time to catch up with an old friend, it’s disgusting to expect more than that, especially on a first “date”.
Ninja edit – Yes, it is jerkish to feel frustrated that your not-date had a real-date already planned.” AbsorbEverything
Another User Comments:
“You bought her gelato, and she accepted. To me, that sounds like the night had romantic intentions, or at least a romantic feel to it.
There’s nothing empirically wrong with what she did (i.e. she never lied to you, or did something unethical), but if your view of your guys’ history is mutual, it’s a bit of a jerk move. You seem like a bit of a control freak, but I would’ve been equally upset in such a situation.
Not a jerk.” Arksaw
1. AITJ For Telling My Mom She Won't Meet My Partner If She Can't Stay With Us?
“I (27m) live in the UK with my mother (56).
I was in and out of university until 25 (away from home) and only recently got job that wasn’t minimum wage. My mother also only works part time and struggles getting around so it’s better for us both financially for me to pay towards her rent and I can drive her places.
Now for the situation.
Last year, I got into a long distance relationship with my current partner (22F) who I met online and lives in another country. We met for the first time in person this summer at her university apartment where we had an amazing time going on outings.
I recently got a new job which pays double so I have the opportunity to sort my finances and hopefully move out of the UK (both to get away from the UK and to be with my partner).
We thought it would be a good idea for me to meet her family (parents, brother and sister) over Christmas and for me to stay with them at their home.
Her parents are very sweet and can’t wait to meet me and would love for me to stay over.
I hadn’t booked the time off work and wasn’t sure if I’d get it.
My partner told me she’d be happy to fly here if I couldn’t, also that it would be nice for her to visit me.
I mentioned this to my mom for her to stay with us and she immediately said no because she’d feel uncomfortable.
I told her that she’d be staying with me in my room and I could take the couch so I don’t see the issue.
After giving the same response and she wouldn’t like her staying overnight, I pointed out that I’d had people over in my room who she knew a lot less about (although not overnight) and that she was a hypocrite for letting her ex partner stay over when I was a young teen who I’d barely knew and my brother did the same thing.
(I even shared the room with my brother at that time while him and his partner were in the same bed and neither I or my mom met her previously!
I told her that if my partner isn’t welcome it’s likely she’ll never get to meet my partner and when I move to her country in a couple years, I won’t come to visit as she wouldn’t be welcome over since she wouldn’t be comfortable with being with me and my partner in the same house.
She told me that it’s my problem since I’m the one in an LDR to which I said its fine and I’m OK with it but I’m just informing her that’s the situation.
I did consider a hotel but isn’t feasible at the time.
It’s also not like I can just bring her over for dinner and get a flight back the same day for my mom and partner to meet first.
My mom is fine with staying with my aunt whose daughter is the same age as me and shares a room with her partner.
It just makes no sense to me since she’s fine with everyone but me staying with their partners in the same house.
AITJ for what I said?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ even the people saying you are aren’t even saying you are for the actual reason you asked. You told her it’s fine if she doesn’t want to meet your partner but she probably won’t be welcome to visit you when you leave.
There is nothing wrong with that. You are allowed to tell people about the implications of their actions.” Equal_Option867
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, seemingly in the post you didn’t say much of your mother’s knowledge of your partner. Did she only recently know you’re seeing someone and only hear first time of them coming into her and your home?
Did you tell her you met her in real life? I think she is very valid on her stance. LDRs tend to be very difficult to maintain, especially with poor social skills. If you want to cut contact with mother over a partner she barely knew, you need to set priorities right.
She raised you despite it all, didn’t she?” Pale-Laugh-15
Another User Comments:
“Oh my god YTJ Look, I’m sorry, her house her rules. A lot of older folks have hang-ups about people they (or their children) meet on the internet. Whatever the case, she is not required to feel uncomfortable in her own home.
Come on dude, you’re 27 years old. If you don’t want your mom to have a say in who you have over, get your own place. And then to throw a petty little temper tantrum, threatening never to see her again because she doesn’t want a stranger staying in her home?
After she fed and housed you for 27 (!!) years? Grow up.” zenocrate
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Could you do some investigating into what kind of social support there is for autistic people near you? If you could steer your brother towards making some friends of his own, whatever your parents think, both you and he would be happier.