People Hope We Have Answers To Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
14. AITJ For Wanting To Go On A Trip Instead Of Babysitting My Nephew?
“My (24M) brother “Luke” (31M), his wife “Emma”( 28F), and their son “Kyle” (4m) moved to my city last year because Emma got a new job.
They would occasionally ask me to watch Kyle because I work from home with very flexible hours. I personally do not like kids at all but I was happy to do it at the time because I wanted to help them, it was not that often (maybe once or twice every 2 weeks) and Kyle was very well-behaved.
Now the issue started near the end of last year when Luke decided to change careers. (He was previously working remotely as well) His new job required him to go to work a lot more often and make substantially less.
This left them depending on me more and more to take care of Kyle. It went from once or twice every 2 weeks to around 3 days out of the week. To make matters worse, Kyle’s behavior changed drastically. To be completely honest I can barely stand the kid anymore, constantly running around and screaming while I’m trying to work and just overall being a little brat.
My SIL Emma was over the other day picking up Kyle and made some comments about getting rid of some of the “dangerous” furniture in my house like tables with glass edges and stuff so that my home is safer for their son and made a joke about baby proofing my house because they’re planning to have a daughter.
This made me mad, but I didn’t say anything.
The situation hit a breaking point last Friday when I was talking about the 1.5-week-long trip I was going on with my girl on the 15th (My partner and I like to travel somewhere nice at least once a month, we could not the past couple of months because of Kyle, but I promised my partner we would go somewhere exotic for Valentine’s).
Upon hearing this, they got pretty mad saying who was gonna take care of Kyle, that I need to stop these “childish trips” and that I need to take more responsibility because “I’m an uncle now.” I’m not gonna lie, after hearing this, I freaking snapped. I said that their demon child isn’t my responsibility and I’m not just gonna give up my life because they decided to have a kid.
It got pretty obscene from there, and some horrible things were said. They left and we are no longer on speaking terms.
My parents and Emma’s parents are on their side and EXTREMELY angry at me for “refusing to pull my weight.” My parents said that this is my duty and I should be sacrificing everything to help them.
It’s honestly got me really down, and I’ve cried my eyes pretty much every day since seeing those messages from my family. I’m starting to wonder if I really should be taking more responsibility. AITJ for choosing my trips over my brother and nephew?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Being an uncle is not being a parent.
You are doing more than your fair share.
And the idea that they’re planning to have another child to foist on you? So rude – they are making an assumption you’re just going to be at their disposal and not making appropriate childcare plans.
It doesn’t matter what the child’s behavior is like for you to not be at fault.
I’d suggest you make it clear there will be no more assistance from you – that Kyle is their responsibility but not yours – that you did not get a say in deciding to have Kyle and as such do not have a role to play.
I’d also make it clear now that if they try to drop Kyle off at your house for any reason you will call the police and report him as abandoned. I’d get a video doorbell too just in case but inform them in writing – so a text or email – that you are no longer willing to provide daycare for Kyle and the consequences if they try to force your hand by just dropping the kid off figuring you then won’t have a choice.” semicoloncait
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You’re not responsible for their poor planning, taking a lousy paying job that requires your brother to be physically in the office, or deciding to not hire a nanny or send the nephew to childcare, etc. They can clean up after themselves easily.
If the grandparents are so concerned about pulling weight, why aren’t they the grandparents pulling their weight when they are much higher in the hierarchy? Talk about hypocrisy.
Also, you didn’t sign up to be their childcare provider when they decided to marry and have a child.
The best solution now is to tell the grandparents to buck up and take care of their grandchild which they dreamt of (they can always move to the same place) or mind their own business and for brother and Emma to actually be parents and care for their own child instead of freeloading off you.
Also, you’re done doing them any favors, you have accumulated enough favors from them and it’s high time they start returning them.” denasher
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
100% with you on this.
Their child is entirely their responsibility. You’ve been providing free childcare services.
They’re absolutely ungrateful.
Go no contact with your brother and his partner. They’re fools.
Your extended family, tell them to mind their own business because this is between you and your brother. If they have an issue with staying out of your personal affairs, they shouldn’t bother contacting you.
Definitely pull your parents up on it. They’re welcome to provide free childcare if they want however you won’t be.
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.
We teach people how to treat us. Do not teach these people that you will crumble if they push hard enough.” thecratskyone
13. AITJ For Keeping My Credit Card Usage A Secret From My Husband?
“I (29F) have been married to my husband (30M) for 9 years.
I am a stay-at-home mom with 4 beautiful children (8,6,4,2). My husband makes 150k+ a year but decides where every dollar and cent goes. 50% to day-to-day expenses, 25% to the children’s education savings, 10% to family savings, 7.5% to his personal spending, and 7.5% to my personal spending.
Any bonus he makes or a refund back from taxes goes immediately into retirement. Doing it this way leaves us nothing extra for vacations or big trips.
Since we got married and moved in with each other, I have been completely responsible for all the shopping, whether it is clothes, groceries, furniture, or whatever else.
I learned very early on with the help of my mom how to coupon clip and how to use points cards to their maximum potential. I usually get 2 or 3 different reward points and save 10-25% per transaction I do. My husband only knew about the coupon clipping, not the rewards points.
For the past 5 years, I have been going on a “Girl’s trip” with my family, every year. I have been telling my husband that my sisters, sisters-in-law, mom, and grandma have been paying for me to go since I can’t afford it, but in reality, I have been using the rewards points to pay for the ticket, using rewards to pay for our groceries and using my difference to pay off my credit cards so that I am able to go on the trip.
This year, my brothers, brothers-in-law, father, and grandfather decided to do their own “boys’ trip” and invited my husband. My husband told them that unless they can help him as the girls help me, he would have to decline the invite.
My brother responded to him with “What do you mean? She says you pay for her to go.”
My husband confronted me about the situation and I confessed to him what I have been doing. He was extremely hurt saying that with all these points, we could have done a lot more as a family, rather than just one person hoarding them all to themselves.
And if I set him up with his own credit cards to get even more points, it would have been a lot easier for us to do big family vacations.
My entire family has been calling me selfish and a jerk for not being more open about the points but I feel that I work very hard to get to the point levels I have gotten to and that making them more open for use would burn through them quickly and not allow them to be used for bigger things.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH. You suck for lying about the rewards points, but he sucks for making you feel like you have to keep it secret to get around his strict budget. 4 kids cost a lot, but dang, I’m sure everyone would enjoy a nice little vacation from time to time.
Education is important, but so is going out for individual/couples/family outings. Go to Disney, take a road trip, have a couples weekend, etc.
I can’t imagine how mentally stressed I would be if I was a SAHM raising 4 kids and couldn’t get a weekend with the girls without being yelled at over money.
And I’d want my partner to be able to have those moments too.
I don’t know, I just HATE the posts we see here all the time where the stay-at-home parent has no say in the finances and then gets reamed when they tuck away a few bucks on the side by crafting/vlogging/couponing, etc. Feels like financial mistreatment.” Raspbers
Another User Comments:
“Soft ESH, but mostly NTJ because this is the result of a controlling husband. I feel like people are forgetting she is a SAHM, and he controls how every penny is spent. There is no discussion, there are no compromises, he makes the money, so he gets to decide where it goes is his mindset.
She is working within those constructs, and now he’s upset that she’s making her own decisions.
While it would be better for her to have thought of the family first, her entire life is spent thinking of everyone else.
She has no control over anything in her life, so she has done what she needed to so she can have some time to herself once a year. I think she more than deserves that, and her little petty tyrant husband is butthurt that she has figured out a way to get something for herself that he didn’t specifically give her by his grace.
They need to have a discussion about financial boundaries, putting bucks into vacation and fun funds, and being a team, not a dictatorship.
And for those of you kids out there who think $150k is so much, you put a 5 or 6-bedroom house, two nice cars, groceries for 6 people, bills, insurance, saving, and retirement together and suddenly there’s not much to go around.” macbookwhoa
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your husband gets to decide how all the money he earns with his labor is spent. (Which is a questionable practice to begin with.)
He leaves all of the labor related to shopping to you. The planning, the execution, and the physical labor of shopping.
The points are a product of your labor. They’re also on a credit card that you are solely responsible for managing. To act like you don’t deserve to decide how the points are spent (that you earn through your labor) is a double standard.
On top of that, the card the points are earned on is YOURS. The person who owns the card gets to decide how the points are used bc they are owned by you.
It sucks that you felt like you had to hide it, but it seems like a symptom of a bigger issue.
Sounds like you just wanted to protect your autonomy, it seems like your husband is a bit controlling and you were worried/afraid he would take away this choice you get to have.
If he wants a say in how the points are spent then you should get a say in how the finances are spent.” vivid_prophecy
12. AITJ For Leaving An Event After Being Introduced By The Wrong Job Title?
“I (F45) have a fiancé (M55) who is a retired military officer. I own a successful company I started 7 years ago and have a small staff of 25. I worked my way through college, paying as I went. Therefore, I graduated in my early 30s with a double major in Accounting and Business Management.
I am very proud of that.
For a little background: I worked hard for my degrees and have zero debt. I know it took me longer than the typical student going full-time to college after high school. I worked full-time to pay as I took classes.
I went to Jr. College first then finished at a 4 year. I took 2 classes per semester…for a long time. But I finally made it!! I have been “teased” that jr. college isn’t the same as going 4 years at a major university.
Well, I am proud to have done both and feel the education I received at Jr. college was excellent.
I worked as an Accountant for some large corporations, as well as programming and IT. I started my company doing similar support to large and small companies alike.
I have a wonderful staff. I manage the contracts, kick-off meetings, sales, and consulting staff. I also do some of the consulting and most of the sales/contracts. My sister is my office manager, and I am blessed in so many ways to have her.
I was with my now fiancé before I started my company, and we recently got engaged. Everything seemed to be perfect, except he keeps introducing me as a bookkeeper. No disrespect intended to them or the profession. My issue is that I have worked hard to get where I am.
I am an accountant, a graduate with a double major, and a successful business owner.
He could pick almost any other “title” to introduce me as, but he chooses “bookkeeper.” I have asked him many, many, many times in private to stop calling me a bookkeeper as it implies to my clients and business associates that he doesn’t respect me or what I have accomplished. He said he doesn’t see the big deal or the difference and continues to do so.
I recently pulled him aside and asked him to just introduce me as a consultant at the event we were going to. While there we were talking to a prospective client (for my company) and he says, “She has come a long way for a bookkeeper.” I know my face had a full blush at that, excused myself, and walked away.
We had both driven there, so I got in my car and went home. (We both own our own townhomes.) I sent him a text to let him know I was leaving and would talk to him later.
He thinks I am overreacting.
My family thinks he is a controlling jerk that doesn’t respect me or women. I’m not sure what to think now. He seems so supportive when we are together, but not when we are around other people. He tends to treat me like a subordinate, a nice kid, playing with the adults.
He does talk down to me in front of my family, but I always assumed he was ‘joking’ badly.
So…AITJ for leaving and over-reacting?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
The absolute disrespect that you have tried to address multiple times is a red banner waving to you from the horizon.
Good relationships are built on mutual respect and trust, without those, why continue to pursue a relationship? If he has continued to degrade you in front of potentially important people, he more than likely feels ‘threatened’ by your accomplishments. It starts with oh, this is my wife the bookkeeper.
And then oh honey, you should just stay home. And then oh honey why do you even try you’re not good enough. And on and on and you’ll wake up one day completely reliant on someone you don’t even like.
(Quick side note, if you want to be the stay-at-home partner, all power to you, but having it forced upon you is not a good thing)
He probably won’t admit it, but he sounds like his ego can’t handle the fact that you are extremely successful and you will never need to depend on him for anything.
I wish you all the best OP, but if he can’t respect a “minor thing” as he put it, what makes you think he will respect you in other aspects?” Zenpora
Another User Comments:
“NTJ!
What he did was incredibly disrespectful of you and your title in front of a potential customer.
He is hurting your business and his lack of respect for you will translate to them looking down upon you as well.
I am the owner of my own business. I do a lot of things but the core of what I do is sales and marketing.
I have a team that I run that now does the answering the phones and emails and customer support and I mostly do back and optimization. I have recently begun doing small business consulting.
The number one thing I do when speaking to new clients is pay attention to the term they used to refer to their sales team.
In my industry, and a lot of the industries that I work in, sales teams are almost exclusively female, because of that I have noticed that male owners tend to refer to their sales team as “the girls“. I always explain that the difference between saying “I will have my girls call you back with some contract information” and “I will have my sales team call you back with contract information“ cannot be understated. Words matter more in these industries than a lot of people are able to truly grasp.
I had a client refer to me as their secretary once. Only once. I corrected them that a lot of titles apply to me, but secretary is not one of them. And if they are looking for a secretary then they have hired the wrong person.
They apologized, and “didn’t realize it was a big deal.” I explained that it translates to respect, and from that point on, they always referred to me as their partner in charge of sales (I am not a partner but I do work hard to grow businesses I work with).
If he is not able to grasp the difference between what you do and bookkeeping, then it will always translate to a lack of respect for your job. This will not go away. You have explained it to him multiple times at this point and him refusing to offer you the respect of your proper title is a conscious decision.
The fact that he would do it in front of a client is the worst part for me.
This could easily translate to other areas of your life. But even if it doesn’t, not trusting your partner to support you in your job is a very rough foundation.” FriendlyBudget8569
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ, he feels emasculated by your success and achievements because he doesn’t feel as accomplished. Which is a fine feeling to have – unless you spend every waking moment trying to make the object of your jealousy feel less than, he will spend his time putting you down in these “joking” ways to make himself feel better about himself and to keep you down.
He will do this forever until he addresses his own issues about feeling inferior and that’s not fair, for me – he either addresses the issue with therapy and actually acknowledges his crappy behavior or you should call it quits.
You’ve done extremely well and you should feel very good about how good you’re doing, your hard work is paying off and no one should be diminishing that for you.
Also the college thing? A degree is a degree if it’s from an accredited provider it doesn’t matter which one, not really.
The fancy schools you might have networked with better-off folk who may have got you in other doors but also you might not have so it doesn’t matter. Also, it also doesn’t matter how long it took you. I’m in my 4th year of uni and I’ll graduate next year.
I’ll still have my degree it doesn’t diminish the achievement, don’t let people diminish yours.” hebejebez
11. AITJ For Not Caring If My Ex-Wife And Her Family Starve?
“I have two sons ages 16 and 14 with my ex-wife. Our marriage reached a bitter end when I learned she had remained married to me for over three years so I would support her through returning to school so she could switch careers to an even better paying one, despite her old one paying as much as mine.
For years I tried like heck to save our marriage because I felt it fracture. She played along until she got what she wanted and then she was honest that she had never wanted to save our marriage and had been over me for years.
When we divorced custody was set to 50/50 of our boys and she was ordered to pay child support to me because she was making so much more after her change of career and education.
She remarried a year after our divorce and had more children.
After the birth of her last child four years ago things got bad. Her husband was diagnosed with cancer, then one of her kids got diagnosed with a long-term medical condition, then the year 2020 impacted her job. Our boys would tell me how rough things were at their mom’s and how they wanted to live more with me, so I went to court and the judge moved her down to every other weekend and changed the child support order to reflect her decrease in custody.
Recently she had to move into a smaller house because of how badly they were struggling and then she came to me for help after the courts refused to end the child support payments. She told me I needed to help her and that I should be helping to take care of my boys’ family, and that’s what she and her family are.
I told her she used me for three freaking years so she could survive off my pay, she did not get to ask me for more, to support a family that is not my own. She called me a selfish jerk.
Told me her family is living off charity and they could be so much better off if I would help them. I asked her why I was supposed to care. She told me she wished she had an affair while we were together and that using me for finances wasn’t enough.
Again she told me about her family and how they would starve. I told her I didn’t care if they did or not. That none of them are my problem and I only care about my kids.
She called me a jerk.
Her husband sent me a text that night saying I was a cruel jerk, and he hoped the boys would hate me when they realize I want their whole family to suffer.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“You acknowledged that your responsibility is only to your children, and you were correct.
You don’t owe your ex-wife a handout, especially when she’s the one who has to pay you child support. She may be struggling right now, but she also could be living beyond her means, and with her husband having a terminal illness, she now has to face the fact that this will end up draining her financially because cancer treatments aren’t cheap.
She made the choices that she made, and she screwed you over in the process. She doesn’t get to turn around and manipulate you into giving her funds just because she is broke and doesn’t have any. She probably has relatives or friends she can turn to, but she turns to you because she hopes you will feel sorry for her and help her, but when it doesn’t go the way she planned, she turns into an angry mess and throws a full-blown adult temper tantrum.
She should have never strung you along during marriage. She played you for a fool and is now feeling sorry for herself while she plays the world’s smallest violin. Your boys didn’t even want to live with her because things were so bad, and even that is saying something.
At the end of the day, she made her bed. She used you financially until she was ready to cut you loose, and with her bed made the way she decided it should be, she made her mistakes and now she can ultimately lie in it.
After screwing you over in more ways than one, she doesn’t get mercy or compassion. She emotionally abandoned you during your marriage, and now she can deal with the consequences.
NTJ.” CyclonicHavoc
Another User Comments:
“So let me get this straight.
She played you for years to advance herself. She had no intent from the very beginning to consider your feelings or well-being. Now, in her time of need. When she is asking for your help, she can’t fathom someone being selfish?
You’re not even playing her and making her make decisions and put in effort under false pretenses. You are being honest and upfront when she never gave you that. I get the idea of her being the mother of your children, and in general, helping them out for the sake of your kids if nothing else, but what the heck?
At most I would say, cut her a break on child support. She’ll still owe the funds, but if she gets behind a bit, I wouldn’t say take her to court over it. Beyond that, it doesn’t sound like she’s repaired the bridge she burned with you at all and the state of your relationship is on her and she should have put in the most effort by far to fix it.
NTJ.” letstrythisagain30
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
She’s still trying to manipulate and guilt you into doing what she wants. She’s even gaslighting you into pretend scenarios that have no chance of ever happening anymore. She has no problem doing it to you because she’s done it before and gotten results.
She knows if she pushes she just might get her way again. It’s a sad situation, but she isn’t the only one in life suffering this hand.
Some families don’t even receive charity because they don’t “qualify” by one document and yet they’re struggling just as much as the next person.
OP, don’t bother trying to be the bigger person to people who continue to want to hurt you just because they’re hurting themselves. They’re in a tough spot, yes, but your kids are your responsibility. They are your family.
Your ex & her husband are not your responsibility.
And to be honest, it sounds like they’ve said and done nothing to deserve it.
If you really can’t go past their kids struggling, grocery gift cards are a good way to go maybe? Yes, the kids have done nothing wrong to you (I assume), but considering they’re all actually still receiving assistance of some sort, they’re doing a lot better than others in the same position.
Continue to do what you’re doing looking after your boys OP, and as others have said, definitely have a heart-to-heart with them and see where their headspace is also at.” Positivemindsetbuddy
10. AITJ For Feeling Betrayed By My Son When He Moved Away?
“I’m 56F and I live with my husband (64M). We only have 1 son, 33M, who currently lives abroad and we see once a year, as it’s very far away and expensive to go.
We live in a small town, he moved away when he was 18 for college and never came back. We expected him to move back after he graduated, but he decided to stay where he was since he already had a job and a partner there (they got married).
Our town is close to our state’s capital where his work field is very strong. Ever since his senior year in college, I’ve been trying to convince him to move closer for a better career and to stay close to his family, he never showed interest, which I find odd, especially since his wife also works in the same field.
4 years ago, they moved abroad. I felt betrayed when he told me, he was already living 3 hours away from us, why would he choose to go even further to another country, but not the city right next to us?
I never told them anything besides letting them know his father and I are always here if they needed us.
Until recently, things were “fine”, I miss him a lot, we text every day but we don’t get to speak to each other often. The problem is my father (84M) whose health took a dive and is very fragile. And with my son living so far, he is missing a precious time he could be spending right here, his grandad is not likely to live many years now.
I told the news to my son and he was sad about it, and he came to see us and left a week ago.
I was honest with him, I said his grandfather will not stay with us for so long, and since he lives so far away, he will lose the opportunity to stay close and enjoy the time he has left.
He was not happy about me touching this matter, he said I was trying to guilt him into moving back.
I asked him why he was doing this to me, why doesn’t he miss me and his dad? We are getting old and he is only seeing us once or twice a year.
It’s cruel to us.
He said he missed us, but he is happy where he is and does not plan on moving back, and he and his wife are already making plans on buying a house where they live.
I couldn’t take it and I burst out crying, I told him I felt abandoned, that he didn’t seem to care for us and he should enjoy his family while he can because we will not be here forever.
I asked what makes him think he cannot be happy living here, he didn’t respond.
The few days after this were very awkward and after he left, he seems to be even more distant, avoiding me and being very short on his texts.
Yesterday his wife called and said my son was feeling bad and told her what happened. She called me a jerk and said I had no right trying to manipulate him like that, and I should be ashamed.
I don’t think I’m the jerk for wanting my son closer to me, they are the jerks for abandoning family behind. And I’m including her as well since she did the same (I talk to her mother often and she is on my side).”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You’re not entitled to see him and perhaps he’s sick of you badgering him to move closer to you. He might also fear that you’ll see him as a source of free care for your father.
He does care about his grandfather, after all, you admit he visited for a week. But he also has his own life and his own accomplishments, why can’t you be happy for him instead of strutting around your empty nest, sulking, and feeling sorry for yourself?
Surely your husband is sick of this act?
He says you’re trying to guilt him into moving back and he’s correct. You wail about how cruel he is to you, how could he do this to you, and you use his ailing grandfather as a way to manipulate him.
Were you my parent I would likely never return to you, so odious do I find your scheming.
You couldn’t take him having his own independent life and you started crying. Oh no! Whatever. It’s not cruel to you, you just need to grow up.
You keep demanding that he explain himself to you, and then you complain that he doesn’t seem to want to talk to you and has become distant. Hmm, I wonder why that could be. Why don’t you try ordering him around like a child again, I’m sure he’d be delighted to run back and be at your beck and call.
Children grow up and leave. It is the way of things. You are not owed their presence in your life. Your actions are only driving him further away. I suggest that if you want him to talk to you more then you begin by apologizing for your selfish actions.
I also think that you need to build more of a life for yourself instead of trying to force him to entertain you.” WhatTheFoxWrites
Another User Comments:
“You’re not wrong to want your son closer. BUT. That’s all – you don’t get to badger him into doing whatever you want him to.
He made the choice to move away and stay away. Either it has a lot to do with how you treat him (because this is clearly not the first time you’ve done something like this) or else it has nothing to do with you at all.
Either way – these are his choices you need to let it go and accept that he won’t be moving back. Get therapy if you need help to process this, because the sooner you come to terms with it the sooner you might be able to resume some sort of dialogue with your son.
You need to build up some coping skills to be ok with the fact that your son and his wife will not be your ‘help’ as you get older. Be honest – isn’t that what you really want? Cheap care for you and your husband?
You say you feel abandoned. Why? Why do you think that you know best for him so that he has to stay in your town? Ok, let’s look at this again. You and your husband CHOSE to have him, so you had an OBLIGATION to feed and clothe him and care for him.
He doesn’t owe you a life of servitude because of your choice to have him. That sounds pretty selfish, doesn’t it? What kind of parent would treat their child that way? Oh wait…
He actually doesn’t owe you anything – and the more you continue with these sad tactics the less you will have him in your life.
YTJ and you sound completely self-absorbed.” No-Transition-8705
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for guilting him and all that. Listen, your feelings are valid that you feel like that.
But you scream me me me family family. His wife is his family too and that results in him wanting to start a new family where he lives, which is okay.
My parents are very loving and they care for family a lot, we sadly don’t have THAT many, but there still is. My dad constantly takes care of his uncle and aunt. But both my parents have accepted later in life I’LL start a new family ON MY OWN, on my own terms and all that.
It might even result in me moving out of the country. I’m still a student in HS, but we don’t know how life will turn. My parents always say that we’re family and that they will always be there for me, which I trust, but they also say “when you will start a new family” to talk about topics to teach me like with kids (despite me not wanting kids, but I used kids as an example).
Sure with my current plans for the future, it’s a bit easier to travel for me, but I also plan to study in a different country for college.
It’s his family now, he is clearly happy where he is. Sometimes people need a fresh start on life elsewhere and they decide to stay there.” Kiwi-Kira-Kura
9. AITJ For Not Letting My Sister's Distressed Pregnant Neighbor In Her House?
“Okay so I (19f) am autistic and my sister (30f) asked me if I could come over to her house to babysit for her while she and her husband went out on a much-needed night out together.
I had some reservations about this and I’ve never supervised the kids alone, she usually brought them to my parents’ house and my parents mainly watched them while I did my thing but also kept an eye on them and kept them entertained, however, my sister assured me that all will be well, and she’ll write me a list of instructions to follow and it will be easy.
I asked if I could have a friend over with me but she said no and under no circumstances am I to allow strangers in her house.
Anyways, 3 hours in and a pregnant lady comes knocking, and she was distressed looked like she wasn’t feeling well.
She told me she’s the next-door neighbor and that she forgot her keys at home and has no place to stay until her husband comes back. She also told me that she’s dizzy and not feeling well.
I felt very conflicted on one hand I didn’t know this woman and wasn’t sure if she was telling the truth about being my sister’s neighbor, so I didn’t think letting her in was an option (I called my sister many times to ask permission to let this woman in but she didn’t pick up) on the other hand I didn’t feel comfortable leaving her in that state outside in the cold.
I tried calling my parents too, but they didn’t pick up. I was basically left to decide on my own.
I brought out a chair to the porch and told her she can sit there and wait for her husband if she’d like.
I also offered her some water and food but she politely declined and decided to wait outside her house. She proceeded to wait 2 hours til her husband came back and I saw her crying at some point.
I felt soooo bad, but I felt like my hands were tied. I tried calling my sister and parents many many times, but no one picked up.
When my sister came home later that night, I told her what happened and she lashed out at me calling me an idiot and saying when she told me not to allow strangers in she didn’t think that she needed to tell me her 7-month pregnant neighbor in distress was an exception to the rule.
My parents also later reprimanded me for taking everything so literally and being an idiot.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Firstly, your sister had clearly stated that under no circumstances were you to allow strangers into her home.
Okay, so the lady was a next-door neighbor – at least she claimed to be.
Since you say she told you she was the next-door neighbor, I get the impression that you didn’t recognize her. So unless she showed you her ID and proved her address, you only had her word that she was the neighbor, not a thief with a good story trying to get in the house.
And even if she showed you the ID to prove she was a neighbor, this wouldn’t automatically prove she was known to your sister and your sister would welcome her coming into the house.
Secondly, your sister did not pick up your calls.
You were babysitting your sister’s kids for the first time alone. In my opinion, it didn’t matter whether this was the 1st or the 101st time you were babysitting the kids alone, the point is you were babysitting. If you were calling, something could have been wrong with the children, her children.
She should have answered, or if she couldn’t answer straight away she should have called straight back. Since the woman was sitting there for 2hrs before her husband came back, that is a long time that your sister ignored or went unaware of your attempts to contact her.
What I would question, though, is whilst making sure the neighbor had a seat and offering her food/drink, did you offer to call her husband to let him know you were locked out or check she was warm enough, since you say it was cold out?” Ok-Status-9627
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is a bizarre situation that isn’t passing the “smell test” for me.
First off, you said you are on the spectrum. The autistic people whom I have known/worked with, it seems everything is black or white, no gray area.
So I totally get that aspect.
Secondly, she should have known that you are not a familiar person (and a young person, at that) and you have every right to not let a stranger into any home for your safety and the safety of others.
Thirdly, did she not have a phone to call her husband? Or even ask if she could borrow your phone? I mean, EVERYONE has a cell phone now. It’s not an unreasonable request.
Fourth, you were thoughtful enough to offer her a chair/drink/snack while she waits and she refused. That’s on her.
Let me go back to my second point. You did not know this lady and had no way to verify if she actually was a neighbor or not. You made a good-faith effort to contact your sister and were unsuccessful so you erred on the side of caution which is very wise because there have been instances in which a pregnant person or a person with a baby is sent into a situation as a “softener” or decoy for a target.
The target lets their guard down (because pregnant people or those with babies aren’t your usual attackers) and then the rest of the criminal group invade the home/attack the other people/kidnap/etc. One case I recall, a husband/wife were selling their small yacht/boat.
A guy came to look at it, said he wanted to buy it but he wanted to take it for a test run. He asked to call a friend who knew boats better than him, owners agreed, the guy got his friend to come to the dock.
The guy also brought his wife and baby. The owners weren’t sure about going out with strangers but the wife said she wanted to go along as well. They all got on the boat, the wife made some credible excuse, changed her mind, and got off.
Reassured that the guys were ok because the wife and kid’s presence the owners and the two guys went out. They attacked and tied up the owners, chained them to the end of the anchor chain, and threw the anchor overboard and it pulled the couple into the ocean, drowning them.
So, yeah. It happens. You made the right call and totally NTJ.” ZestycloseShock617
Another User Comments:
“I’m autistic as well and I want to tell you anyone in this situation being autistic or not, is not the jerk.
It wasn’t about you following the rule to not let strangers in the house or have anybody else in the house it was about the safety of the children and yourself and the sanctity of your sister’s house.
You don’t know this person. But unfortunately in this world today there are a lot of people who are trying to scam their way into people’s houses to take advantage of the people inside and commit burglary if not worse.
You didn’t know this neighbor and how could you have? The fact that she’s not answering the phone when you’re responsible for her kids is irresponsible of her. That’s the biggest issue right here. She needs to have her phone on and ready for you whenever you call in case something like this happens or anything worse happens.
You protecting your family and your sister’s house while she is not doing so and then lashing out at you for doing what was right makes her the jerk.
You were responsible she was irresponsible, you do not deserve to get yelled at for this.
If anything you should get a big tip for your hard work.
If you want, write a letter to the neighbor because you didn’t know what was going on and just explain you were trying to protect your sister’s kids.
Once you learn who she was say you felt bad about it and wanted her to know this. And that’s not even expected, I just think that would be a nice thing to do.” LoudNinjah
8. AITJ For Telling My Friend That Her Ugliness Is Not My Fault?
“My (23f) friend (23f) and I have been friends for 4 years.
She’s the, you either like it or you don’t, personality. Often, she’ll say something really rude to someone & justify it as “just honest.” She doesn’t care about people and their opinions because they’re “too much noise.” I find myself getting into men drama as I can’t seem to judge character and she has helped.
2 days ago, we were in uni and a guy sat next to me. I start chatting to him, and when she comes, I can tell she’s annoyed. She sits down, crosses her arms, and tuts loudly. The guy and I laugh awkwardly but keep talking, and he asks for my number.
My friend abruptly says, “She’s not interested, go away.” He looks irritated and says, “I was asking her.” She says, “Take a hint, witch boy.” I step in and nudge her saying he’s being nice and for her to chill.
The guy just says, “Ok? What the heck?” After a bit, I apologize, and he leaves.
I was pretty annoyed and said that I can tell a guy myself if I’m not interested. She says, “You can never say no.” I tell her she’s rude, but she says that she’s just honest. I say there’s a difference between being honest and being a plain jerk.
She is fuming and says, “Did you just call me a jerk?” I say, “That’s what you were acting like.”
She starts screaming that I don’t know what it’s like, I always get everything I want, I have pretty privilege, I can eat what I want (she is overweight).
I sympathize with her and go to hug her, but she pushes me and says, “Stop trying to act like the nice girl all the time.” I get annoyed and say, “Listen, I know you’re upset, but you don’t have a right to be mean to me.
I’m just trying to help.”
She gets angry and in my face and starts shouting horrible names towards me, that if men could see past looks, they’d prefer her over me because I’m fake, I love attention and making her look like crap and that I get with multiple guys and I’m not mature enough to handle them (this is hurtful because she knows some of them were manipulative or forceful).
In the end, she said I had nothing to offer but my face and body.
I am crying, and she says, “Save the tears. Your life has given you nothing to cry about. Try being considered ugly for a day.”
I scoff and say, “You being “ugly” is not my problem, so stop making it mine. Guys don’t come to you, not because of your weight, face, it’s because you’re a freaking jerk.” She just keeps repeating, “I can’t believe you said that,” crying.
I leave. I tell my friends; they’re annoyed and ignore her saying they weren’t too fond of her anyways.
Yesterday, I got a long text accusing me of turning our friends against her and saying I’m petty.
She says she opened up and I used it against her. I ignored her text, but my sister said that I was a jerk as my friend was obviously insecure and deeply upset about something, but I didn’t comfort her.
Looking back, I didn’t really comfort her. I feel really bad as I kinda dismissed her insecurities. Was I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t know how to say this without sounding full of myself so I’ll just say it.
I am what you would call above average in the looks department, I am truly not trying to brag or be conceited, it is just relevant to what I’m trying to say. I had a friend when I was 17, Emma.
Emma was a cute girl, blonde, 5’2″, pretty eyes, etc. very girl next door. We became friends and after about a month or so, I noticed that anytime I would say something with the slightest hint of a complaint (example: I have a bit of a headache and I’m feeling kind of sick), her response was always “Oh please, your life is so easy with your pretty privilege, you’ll be fine,” things that didn’t even make sense.
I wasn’t allowed to ever say that I didn’t like something about my appearance, wasn’t allowed to make any comments about liking boys because it wasn’t fair to her, and if I was feeling sad about something, I should just “get over it, your life is so easy when you’re pretty, what do you have to be sad about.”
It got to a point where I hated being around her. She would always complain that no boys liked her because as soon as they saw me, they didn’t care about her, but it was actually her personality plus her hatred towards men that turned them off almost immediately after meeting her when she would be fake crying about how ugly she is and men never give her attention, only me.
It was truly exhausting. It got to a point that I would literally not wear makeup around her and dress in sweats so she would stop hurling insults at me. We had to finish the year at school together, but after that, I didn’t really hear from her much nor did I reach out.
I know that she is still single 11 years later and pretty miserable. It makes me sad for her, she pushed everyone away with her horrible attitude and now she’s paying the price.
Anyway, you are definitely not the jerk in this situation, and if you can, I would cut contact with her immediately.
Her jealousy will only grow and start to affect your mental health because she’ll likely get more and more aggressive with you over time. I’m sorry you have to put up with that, it’s not a good time.
Best of luck OP.” ServiceFinal952
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sounds like this person needs to learn to ask herself: Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary? Just because it’s true, doesn’t mean it’s ok to spew all the time at everyone without any consideration.
But in this case, what she’s saying isn’t even true. You sound like a genuinely kind person who went to comfort her even when she was acting like a jerk toward you. At the end, you say you didn’t really comfort her, but it’s because she stopped you.
You wrote: I sympathize with her and go to hug her, but she pushes me and says, “Stop trying to act like the nice girl all the time.” And so you didn’t comfort her because she physically pushed you and yelled at you for being nice to her not because you don’t care about her.
This person isn’t your friend. Being insecure and upset isn’t an excuse to be a complete jerk. You didn’t dismiss her insecurities. You tried to be a good friend to her and she pushed you! That alone right there is enough to say “We’re done.” So please do not blame yourself or consider yourself the jerk here AT ALL.
This person’s problem is that she has decided she is the victim instead of realizing that she is responsible for this very fixable issue. And that your friends agree with you indicates that you are very much not the problem here.
I would encourage you to get therapy because thinking you’re responsible for this paired with you having experienced violence in previous relationships means you probably need to work on things like forming healthy boundaries and not taking responsibility for the feelings of others.” Born_Ad8420
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I used to have a friend like this. I did so many things to try to be a good friend to her, but everything was always ultimately “my fault” in her eyes. When I would introduce her to others, she’d be absolutely terrible for no reason.
I’d apologize and say she just takes some getting used to. Finally, a different friend told me that if that is how she is, why would I want to get used to it? It finally clicked that she would try to distance all my other friends and monopolize all my time to only be focused on her, and would do everything she could to isolate me.
She ended up going out with my brother and made him go NC with me for almost 2 years before he also woke up to how manipulative she was. I think it’s great your other friends also know the deal, and much support to you in the future.
I suggest if she doesn’t take you seriously after a conversation about her behavior, cut your losses and run. Good luck!” Fun_Celebration_5623
7. AITJ For Laughing At The Handmade Gift My Niece Gave Me?
“My 12-year-old niece is really into arts and crafts and recently got into crocheting. Before Christmas, she told me that she had a surprise gift for me and seemed really excited about it. I told her I was really looking forward to it as well, and prepared her gift myself (which was actually art supplies).
On Christmas when we had our family gathering, she brought me her gift and was super excited for me to open it. When I opened it, I saw a crocheted animal, but if I’m being honest, it looked REALLY REALLY bad.
To give you an idea of what it looked like, imagine something like bad taxidermy but in crochet form. I couldn’t help but burst out laughing, and I couldn’t stop laughing no matter how hard I tried to suppress it, so I had to excuse myself to go to the washroom, where I locked myself for nearly 10 minutes.
When I came out, my niece was in tears with her parents trying to console her, and I apologized profusely and told her that I really liked her gift, but she kept crying and shouting at me, calling me a liar and that she sucked at art.
My niece avoided me for the vast majority of the party after that. I tried to make her feel better by displaying her gift on my living room cabinet, but my wife pulled me aside later in the day and told me to take it down after the party because it was in her words, “really ugly” and made her uncomfortable.
Surprisingly, all the adults were very understanding of my situation, but I feel really bad because I feel like I destroyed my niece’s confidence, and I’m not sure how I can make it up to her.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, fix it.
“Niece, I am so sorry for the way I reacted to your gift. I took a kind, thoughtful gesture that certainly took you a lot of time to make special for me, and I ruined it. Niece, please don’t let my reaction steer you away from your passion for creativity.
I certainly could never crochet an animal like that, and it shows incredible dedication to finish a crochet project. I acted like a jerk (yes, say jerk; she’ll appreciate you being candid and talking to her like an adult) to you.
Let’s be real here, you don’t suck at art. Crochet is a new skill you are learning, and I am truly impressed that you have started picking up that skill at such a young age. Please keep having fun creating, and please continue to practice and explore new mediums. Create art you love.
I hope that I can someday earn your trust back enough to deserve another one of your heartfelt creations. Again, I am so sorry. I am very proud of you.” Then take her to Michaels and let her pick out some freaking yarn.” BeanBreak
Another User Comments:
“I am a bit surprised at how many YYJ judgments you are getting here. You were having an outburst of uncontrollable laughter by the sound of it. You actually had to go to the bathroom for several minutes to get yourself under control.
And you tried your best to make it up to your niece. What I would recommend is that you go to see her (if you can). Share a story with her about a time when someone you really liked embarrassed you, so that she knows you understand her embarrassment.
And then be gently honest. Tell her that no one makes beautiful crochet items when they are still beginners. It takes a lot of practice. And also, not everyone likes it enough to put in the required time and effort to get to a point where you are really good at something.
That is why it’s important to pursue the things that you really, really want to learn and do. Tell her that the gift represented her time and effort to make you something, and for that reason, you are grateful.
Be honest with her. Nobody’s the jerk.” Proud_Spell_1711
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Your poor self-discipline hurt your niece and that makes you a bit of a jerk. She made something crap, kids often do, but the gift isn’t what they’re actually giving you – it’s not what they wrap in the paper: It’s that they’re prepared to be vulnerable and to show you their hope to learn something and be better.
And that’s the gift, and you apparently found that she wanted to make something and give it to you, and liked you enough to be vulnerable, utterly hilarious.
I could get a burst of laughter followed by an apology to your niece.
But you couldn’t control yourself for ten whole minutes? Having been given a pre-warning? You knew it was going to be not that great. You knew she was a kid, and she’d just started. And furthermore, she was excited about giving it to you.
And you’re an adult; you’re responsible for controlling your emotions.
And if you’re not going to make good on that apology. The appropriate response for an apology isn’t to lie — which you did to her by the way – you just told us that you thought it was terrible, and her that you really liked it, and she called you on that.
The appropriate sense of mind for an apology is groveling: I did this thing. Which hurt you. And I regret it. Please accept my apology.
You didn’t apologize; you lied. There’s a difference.
Well, yeah, it’s a harsh thing to say – but given what you’ve said (and maybe there are other ameliorating factors there you didn’t think to mention…) YTJ.
A lie isn’t an apology.” Puzzled_Cheetah8390
6. AITJ For Arguing With My Wife For Not Packing My Work Pants?
“My wife (30F) and I (31M) have been married for about 7 years now. I decided to go on a last-minute work trip which caused me to have to book flights, hotel, etc. late at night and then fly out the next day.
I needed new work slacks for the trip since I’ve primarily been working from home in my current company, so we had to make a late-night run to the local Walmart to get a few pairs. We also got some button-up shirts.
When we got home I had some stuff to finish up with the planning so I asked my wife to wash my new clothes so that my shirts weren’t so wrinkly. I handed her the shirts to wash separately and put the pants in the dirty laundry.
While they washed she packed my suitcase and then added the shirts when they were done. When it came time to leave, I verified everything was packed by asking her if she packed my pants. She said yes.
Cue to late the next night when I arrive at my hotel and my slacks aren’t in there—only my brown khakis and gray khakis.
I called her pretty upset asking where my slacks were. She got defensive and told me she thought she packed all my clothes (I had laid them out on the bed beside the stuff to be washed) and told me they should be in there.
I made her check the laundry room to be sure and she looked around the whole house before finding them in our bedroom laundry basket unwashed.
I repeated a few times how I was frustrated that she hadn’t packed them but had told me that she did.
She said she didn’t realize by “pants” I meant my slacks and that she was busy trying to do other stuff and just had a memory of packing some pants with all the other things I had laid out.
She also said it was unreasonable for me to be upset with her when they are my pants and she didn’t think she was expected to do a whole second load of laundry at midnight.
In the end, she attempted to make me feel better by saying that it would be okay and my work would understand that sometimes things get a bit hectic with packing and traveling last minute (and I can buy more in the evening hopefully).
I feel kind of bad cause I could tell she was frustrated with me for blaming her, but in my defense, I did ask her if she had packed everything.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Just tell your boss, “It’s my wife’s fault I didn’t tell her where I put the pants, because obviously, it’s her job to do my laundry and pack for me for me even though I’m a grown adult.” Don’t be surprised if you get a promotion.
How was she supposed to know where you put them? Why would you separate them from the shirts if they were all going to be packed/going to the same place? Why wouldn’t you TELL HER where you put them instead of just assuming she’s psychic?
Finally, why is it her job to do your laundry and pack for you? She packed what you laid out. She shouldn’t have to do that for a grown man, but here we are.
You owe her an apology and you need to learn to do things for yourself.” Afraid_Sense5363
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Not for asking your wife to help with washing or packing. That’s between you and your wife. She might do the bulk of the laundry, and she might have been happy to help. Sometimes the system that works for two people in a given moment just happens to conform to ye olde gender roles.
People struggle to get their heads around that sometimes.
But YTJ for blaming your wife when failures of yours led to the mistake, and for doubling down when she offers a completely plausible explanation for why she said yes.
You put the slacks in the hamper.
Were they to be washed after the shirts? If so, why put them with the dirty laundry? You then laid all of your clothes out on the bed ready for packing. Did you not notice the slacks were missing? If you didn’t notice, how was your wife supposed to?
And why did you then feel you could blame her when you made the same oversight, despite your additional investment in making sure everything was in order?
You both knew you had bought the slacks. You both knew they were for your trip.
But neither of you remembered when it came time to do your bit. But only one of you is seeking to assign blame, when you’re the one who is ultimately MORE responsible for the error.
Behave yourself.” shenaniganrogue
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
When someone is doing you a favor, it’s never their fault, even if they made a mistake. Your wife didn’t even make a mistake. You handed her clothes, she washed them and dried them, and she packed exactly what you asked her to pack, which were the clothes laid out by you plus the additional clothes she washed and dried.
That said, YTJ for a lot more than “saying it’s my wife’s fault.” YTJ for:
Making it a joint problem when you suddenly wanted new clothes at night, rather than doing it yourself or living without new clothes.
Verifying by asking her a question, which is making it her responsibility.
I pack my own bag, and I always double-check what I packed. It was doubly your responsibility to check, not ask her to remember.
Your call to complain to her. What the heck, dude. You needed new pants apparently, and the only solution is to buy new pants where you are or accept that you’ll be wearing other clothes until you get home.
Calling your wife only served to pass your frustration onto her, and make her do the emotional labor of making you feel better about it, all while hoping to make her feel bad.
Insisting, “making” her check, dismissing her explanations.
It wasn’t okay to blame her at all, but you made it worse.
You’ve had time to think about it, but I don’t think you’ve apologized to her yet. For all of it.” Rikutopas
5. AITJ For Referring To My Wife's Job As A "Passion Project" Since I'm The Breadwinner?
“My family – consisting of myself 39M, my wife 38F, and our two children Alex 15M and Marie 16F – moved last year because of my wife’s job. Alex has had a rough time since. He had come out to us and his schoolmates as gay just a little while before he got the news that we were moving, so it was particularly hard for him.
He had found a solid support system and felt safe where we lived before. That was taken away with this move.
The place we live now, while still in the US, is less accepting. Alex has made a few friends but despite us being here for a year, he still hasn’t really gotten comfortable here.
Marie, on the other hand, really loves it and has been excelling at this new school thanks to clicking better with her teachers this year.
The move did cause some tension between my wife and me even before we made a decision.
I know there’s no easy time to move, but doing so during the transition between middle school and high school (arguably the most awkward time of a person’s life) felt like a cruel punishment for our son to endure. My wife said it would make things easier since he would be starting a new school either way.
I feel like my wife has been very unsympathetic to what our son is going through. A few weeks ago, we found an illegal substance in his room. While I was fully prepared to 1. make sure he wasn’t self-medicating in a way that could lead somewhere dangerous and 2.
give him the ‘don’t be stupid, don’t drive under the influence, and don’t stink up your room anymore’ talk, his mom grounded him for two weeks and took away his phone every afternoon after school. This cut him off from his friends from his old school, further isolating him during an already hard time.
This brings us to last week. I finally sat my wife down and told her things weren’t working. We gave it a try for a year, but Alex has consistently expressed his unhappiness and discomfort to us. I told her it was time to start making plans to go back.
She said that Marie was doing great here and that I always favored Alex as ‘the baby of the family,’ and that we needed to give things more time. She also said both kids would be off to college soon.
I replied that I wasn’t willing to let my son live in discomfort for three more years before college. Also, my job and finances I had gotten from my grandparents (a trust fund of sorts) more than covers our living expenses and there was no real NEED for her to work.
I said it was incredibly selfish to put a passion project ahead of her own child, and that being a parent meant sometimes putting our “needs” on the back burner while we do what’s best for them.
She was furious that I called her career a passion project and hasn’t spoken to me since.
I’m at a loss how to move forward.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
I agree that your wife should be more sympathetic to your son and that her punishment over him smoking likely isn’t addressing the underlying problem and is likely making things worse.
Maybe you should both be putting more effort into his adjustment. What are YOU doing to help your son? If finances aren’t an object like you’re saying, maybe even plan a trip for him to visit his friends back home or something.
Not a permanent solution, but still might help give him something to look forward to. I do think your wife might be on to something about your treatment of your son vs daughter. Honestly sounds like you both might be playing favorites a bit, and I’m sure your kids can tell.
Try to take your own advice about your son and try to be more sympathetic to your daughter as well.
YTJ for calling your wife’s career a passion project. Why couldn’t she say the same thing about you?
Having a career, especially as a woman, provides stability and the freedom to make choices in her relationship. Not to mention that being out of the workforce for any period of time can significantly hurt one’s career and future earning potential. You’re asking her to give up a lot more than a little “passion project.”” tocontinue_
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You belittled your wife and her career. She obviously received a promotion and instead of pride in her advancement, you’ve decided to call her selfish because one of the two kids isn’t happy.
Ask yourself if your attitude is impacting your son.
And how have you tried to help him? You find a substance in the room of your 15-year-old and your reaction was “don’t stink up your room”? You and your wife need to do a better job finding resources for your son.
It’s on both of you but maybe you need to take the lead.
Why are you discounting that your daughter is doing better? Does this not matter to you? Should she have to regress?
Finally, why are you so confident your son will magically “be fixed” if you return to the prior state?
He’s at an age, and dealing with his identity in a way that is likely to be difficult no matter where he is. It sounds like you want an “easy” fix instead of accepting he may need extra help no matter where he lives right now.
Find a therapist for your son. See one yourself and/or find resources on how you can support him within the framework of your current situation.” angel2hi
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You just said her job isn’t important. You just said her financial independence isn’t important.
You just said your son is more important than your daughter. Your wife NEEDS to work just because she needs a break and time away from your attitude.
What’s up with letting your freshman son smoke? It’s not legal for a minor to smoke in any state.
You do understand you could go to jail for child endangerment and for possession if anyone found it in your house and reported you for it, especially if you said “Oh, it’s okay as long as he doesn’t stink up the house.”
I agree that your son has had some rough times recently. Kids do. It’s about resiliency and the ability to bounce back. Have you taken him to therapy to help him adjust? Have you given him the opportunity to speak with a professional about his sexuality and everything that goes with it?
I’d strongly suggest you spend your trust fund on that rather than moving expenses. What happens if you drag everybody back to where you came from and he discovers he’s not happy there, either? What if your daughter wasn’t as happy there?
Would you move back to your current place so she could be happy?” Legitimate-Moose-816
4. AITJ For Refusing To Help My Son Get Out Of Debt?
“Let’s start from the very beginning. Over 20 years ago I divorced my then-wife. I had two kids with her; my oldest son and my youngest daughter. I always had a very good relationship with my son. He was my one and only.
At age seventeen, my son moved in with me and my girl. I always tried to get my daughter to move in, too, but she refused. I tried to make it nice for us. But soon I realized that having another mouth to feed was emptying my bank account faster than I could see.
I soon jumped from workplace to workplace and asked all my friends for financial help, which I barely was able to pay back.
So I started asking my son for help. He paid for groceries here and there over the years, then he helped me with some bills and even got a credit card in his name for us to use since I couldn’t get one due to my debt.
It went well for a bunch of years. But still, my finances were always on the low. I forgot to pay my car insurance for a few months and they ended my contract. So, I created a new one with my son’s name on it.
I asked him of course, as always, so he always knew what he was getting himself into.
Soon, he moved out and moved in with his girl. She was a very nice girl. Or so I thought.
He soon asked me to pay him back, since he now had some credit card debt.
He did the math and it summed up to around $10,000. I really didn’t have that kind of money and he knew that. He soon went no contact.
He visited me and we talked normally for some time. Then he started asking me for my car; he asked me if I could give him my car, so he could sell it to pay off his debts.
I told him no, immediately. I needed the car for my new job since it was in the neighboring city. He told me to take the train and bus and that there were cheap tickets and that my job could help me get a permanent ticket.
I told him that I couldn’t do that.
That was at the end of 2021. I told him if I didn’t have the finances for his debt by January 2022, he could have the car. After that conversation, he went no contact.
January came and I didn’t have the funds. I really couldn’t bring it up and I told him that. He asked about my promise and the car, but I know I didn’t promise him anything. I told him I still need the car.
We had a long fight over the phone in which his girl said, that a loving father wouldn’t do something like that to his son, with which she meant all the finances I “took” from him. And with that statement, she was dead to me.
I got diagnosed with depression due to the situation. I do regret my mistakes but I think he made me suffer enough. I miss my son but until he apologizes for treating me like this, I don’t want to have anything to do with him either.
I feel so torn. My daughter isn’t there for me either. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Your son trusted you as his father, and you took advantage of him to help provide for the family – a job you as the parent should have been doing.
Up to a certain point I can see where some would consider charging rent to an older teenager working a job understandable, but you went far, far beyond that by asking him to take on debt on your behalf. Not only did you affect his ability to spend or save as he wishes before, but your actions are continuing to cost him every month as the debt you piled on his shoulder continues to hang around his neck as you do absolutely nothing to help him out from underneath it.
That debt is now sitting there affecting his financial security, and causing knock-on effects if he wanted to get a car loan, a mortgage or any other financial dealings that all come with a warning to any lender of ‘already owes for an existing loan, be careful about giving him any more.’
Every month he has to find a way to pay his own way in life, while also still having to pay out for the expenses you accumulated before.
And then to pile on a little more, you made an agreement with him to sell your car and clear the decks, then just decided you couldn’t be bothered because you still hadn’t been able to save up enough.
Any excuse you have however almost certainly applies equally to him – if you haven’t been able to save, how is he expected to with extra loan payments to deal with?
This may not be fun for you, but you owe your son big time, and you need to make good on everything as quickly as you are able to.
That may mean selling your car and taking the bus to work. That may mean taking on a second job. That may mean spending on nothing other than the essentials for the near future. You need to be the one sacrificing everything you have available to look after your children, even if it means no holidays, no new TV, or no drinking in bars for the next year.” nrsys
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Immensely. To have such a great bond as a child with you to you leeching off of him costing him thousands of dollars as an adult which you refuse to pay back. Where in the heck is your logic?
If I was him I would sue you to start getting some kind of funds back. What is his credit score like? Or did you jack that up too?
You said in your post if I don’t have the finances by January you can have the car and you reneged on that offer without even offering to pay him monthly out of your checks.
Even if it’s hundred-dollar increments, it would at least make it look like you give a crap.
Why couldn’t you get another job closer? Or two part-time jobs that make it easier to commute? You shouldn’t have taken him on if you couldn’t afford to keep him.
Instead, you built up thousands of dollars of debt as he is starting his adult life. You really screwed up his life by doing this and you need to rectify it immediately to try and salvage any bit of relationship you have left.
I really feel bad for your son. If my parents did this to me I would sue the crap out of them.” Lazy_trashpanda
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Diagnosed with depression over ruining your child’s life? Give me a break.
You literally couldn’t have a credit card because you have so much debt. Which shows you’re financially irresponsible or very unlucky.
You conned your son into going into debt for you to get a car. Why not get a cheap used car if you can’t afford one?
Or a ticket, you said ‘I can’t do that,’ but it’s clearly ‘I just would rather make my son pay my 10k debt rather than take public transit’.
An 18-year-old with his first credit card doesn’t know his deadbeat dad is going to con him.
He ‘didn’t know what he was getting himself into.’
You screwed him over because it’s ‘me me me!’ I don’t care about his debt!
This is absolutely disgusting and I doubt any amount of YOU apologizing will ever make this up to your son.” notislant
3. AITJ For Forcing My Daughter To Go To School With A Botched Hair Dye Job?
“Can’t believe this is happening, but here we go.
Daughter (14) has always been naturally blond, however, the last few months, brown hair has been coming through her roots. She had asked us if she can dye it earlier this month. We said yes, but only if it’s done professionally – an appointment is booked for the 8th of February, a very popular salon with a good reputation, meaning long wait times, but if it’s being done, it’s being done right.
The reason for this is both she, her sister, and my wife have very sensitive scalps. The last time my older daughter used an at-home kit, it went badly wrong… doctors kind of wrong.
Youngest daughter was happy with this and agreed to wait, but this weekend went out with her friend and bought an at-home kit, dying her hair at her friend’s house without any adult assistance.
Well, now it’s orange.
We offered to buy a brown or black kit to cover it until her appointment, but she screamed she is a blonde, not brunette, and hasn’t really left her room since.
She is refusing to go to school until WE ‘fix it.’ I said I don’t have a magic hair-fixing spell, and the choice is go dark for 3 weeks or put up with the orange color.
We phoned the salon, but they cannot move up the appointment but will contact in case of a cancellation.
So, AITJ for sending my daughter to school with self-inflicted orange hair?”
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ.
At the end of the day, this is a situation that your daughter caused completely by her own actions, yet you’re running around trying to find solutions to the problem.
She’s not happy with the solutions but also, she isn’t trying to come up with any of her own. I get that you’re trying to help your daughter, which I understand, but it almost sounds like she’s expecting you to solve this problem that you didn’t create and that doesn’t sit well with me.
If it were my kid, I would simply point out that you’ve offered plenty of solutions and that will help her with whatever she decides to do but she must go to school. If money is a challenge here, I think it’s reasonable that she pays for this additional appointment.
If looking for a salon is time-consuming I think it’s reasonable that she is contributing to the effort herself.
Sometimes the best thing you can say as a parent is “Well this sucks. What are you going to do about it and how can I help?”” Threevestimesacharm
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it’s her own fault. But there’s a very good chance she’ll skip out even if you drop her off. You’ve rightly told her it’s her own fault and you’ve covered all the hair-related solutions, so parenting A+.
But have you offered any solutions for her real fear, being made fun of?
Maybe sit her down. Tell her about some of your own embarrassing moments. Show her pics of some awful celebrity hair choices. Explain that you all got through it and nobody mentions it anymore.
Workshop some self-deprecating jokes or witty comebacks with her. Remind her that she’s still beautiful and that if she walks in with confidence, it’ll fool 99% of people. Remind her that outer beauty isn’t everything, because like most teenagers she sounds a bit narcissistic.
A tantrum over being a brunette for a couple of weeks is classic teen girl, but it’s still not acceptable.
She’s not worried about her hair, she’s worried about her reputation. That’s what you need to be addressing while she waits for her appointment.” Nemesis0408
Another User Comments:
“I did almost exactly this as a teen. I had blonde hair as a child but it darkened (as many people’s hair does) with age and turned to a mousy brown/dark blonde. I didn’t like it, so I dyed for a few years (with parental permission and help) but when in boarding school I decided to bleach to blonde when bleach box kits were becoming all the rage.
But I had a lot of red tones in my hair, so I ended up orange despite leaving it on as long as the box recommended, and hated it for weeks. When I saw my parents, they laughed at it, told me actions had consequences, and asked if I’d learned my lesson.
They found a reputable enough salon and had my hair corrected. It was a stupidly expensive bill that I spent months paying off afterward – COLOUR CORRECTIONS ARE SO MUCH MORE COSTLY THAN HIGHLIGHTS/HAIR COLORINGS.
It sounds like you’re handling it very similarly, good on you!
She can deal with the consequences of her impatience and you’ll get it sorted when it is possible, i.e. when there is an appointment. I wouldn’t try to find something sooner, go with the reputable place.
Whatever you do, don’t cover your daughter’s hair with a temporary darker dye.
That will make things a lot worse. On light-colored hair, even temporary dyes can permanently color the hair and make the correction at the hairdresser’s even worse. Also, ignore the recommendations to use color removers such as color oops – your daughter likely bleached her hair if she ended up orange and color removers only remove dye, not bleach.
Bleach can’t be removed. Use a toner (blue-based) or color-correcting shampoo to temporarily reduce the orange brassiness in her hair. If she were yellow, you’d look for purple-based products, but orange needs BLUE. Lemon juice and sunlight can also be a good lightener if she wants to lighten as much as quickly as possible with minimal damage.
Bluntly, let her deal with the consequences. Definitely don’t let her skip school out of embarrassment. She chose to rush this when a plan was already in place, she chose to try doing it with a friend rather than a qualified hairdresser.
She chose to live with it rather than take your suggestions.
Personally, I do dye and bleach at home (using professional grade products) now as I can’t afford the hairdressers every 6-8 weeks, but it took years of practice to be confident in doing it myself.
I have been dying my hair (originally with parents or hairdressers, but later solo) since I was 12, and it took until I was 18+ to feel comfortable using bleach without a hairdresser. And even now, I have an emergency fund to go to the salon if there’s an emergency for a correction.” tiaallyce23
2. AITJ For Criticizing How Picky My Partner Is With Finding A Job?
“My partner is at a job she can’t do remotely, and we’re planning to move to another state together, so she’s job hunting right now.
Her first interview, she had a call with a top company whose recruiter had messaged her on LinkedIn.
I was expecting her to treat it normally, but she spent an hour grilling the company on its engineering practices and then withdrew her application.
And the next few calls with companies she had, she basically grilled them all and decided against moving forward with four of the six.
I told her around then, that I feel like she’s making a mistake, being so picky, and she’s gonna ruin her reputation in the industry if she’s going around taking interviews and cutting the process off early.
She said she wasn’t making any enemies, heck, the companies she dropped had been emailing and calling constantly, wanting to bring her in for another interview or asking her to reconsider.
If anything, she was a hotter commodity.
I felt like she was probably still hurting her reputation long term, even if her little power play was working for a bit.
She said it wasn’t a power play, it was professional, she just didn’t want to waste anyone’s time.
But the next interview I overheard started a big argument. One of her final two companies had her taking a Zoom interview and she was laughing it up with an interviewer and he was telling her this story about how he and his coworkers fell off a barge into the river working on a project.
And she just was like “waiiit they had y’all doing that, not tied off to anything? Look as funny as that is, that’s honestly kind of screwed up they put y’all in danger like that – I’m honestly gonna have to withdraw my application.”
She got off the phone and said “Dang, people really tell on themselves if you just listen and smile, did you hear that crap?” And I said that I thought she ended it a little prematurely, like didn’t even ask if they’d changed anything there, just ended the call.
I said it felt like she was trying to delay getting a new job, was she getting cold feet or something?
She said no, this is literally how people at her level interview, she was serious about the interview process and she wasn’t interested in walking into a crapshow.
I said that was nonsense, she was sabotaging herself on purpose basically haranguing the companies who want to hire her on the phone. And she was like “why do they keep coming back for more then? Like I’m critical but I’m not wrong and they know it.”
We had this big fight where she insisted that anyone who was at her level of a career “interviewed” by interviewing companies to see whether they were worth their time, just as much as the other way around, and I said that was nonsense.
She got mad I was telling her about her own career and said she knew it better
AITJ for arguing with my girl about her interviews? I feel like she’s dragging her feet, she says she’s interviewing normally for her field.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ x1000. You aren’t a woman engineer. You have NO IDEA what it takes. I am a woman engineer and your partner is right.
Women don’t get anywhere in engineering by being nice, we get there by working harder than our male counterparts, being confident, and not taking any bullcrap.
She is right, when you reach a certain level of authority in your engineering specialty, you interview the company as much as (if not more than) they interview you.
She is also 100% right about the people falling off the barge.
That wasn’t just an “oopsie.” They willfully broke OSHA rules. That’s illegal and a huge red flag, I wouldn’t want to work there either.
The fact that you have the GALL to mansplain to her about something you clearly know nothing about is just tragic and she deserves better.” lishmunchkin
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
I am, quite frankly, jealous of your girl, and I think if you are honest, you’ll admit that so are you. You’ve been eavesdropping on her interviews and have made it about you… then you posted here so you could feel superior.
Unfortunately, you’re wrong, and you’ve been caught out.
She’s interviewing exactly right. If she weren’t highly skilled and desired in her field, she wouldn’t be literally beating back offers.
She’s interviewing like she wants a career, where you’re used to interviewing because you need a job.
Stop spying on your girl, and treat her like the adult she is, or you’ll find she will walk on a crappy relationship as quickly as she walks on a crappy job prospect.” candycoatedcoward
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. This IS “literally how people at her level interview.” When you’re good at what you do, a job interview is as much an opportunity to evaluate your potential future employer as it is for them to evaluate you.
They need you more than you need them.
I am a software engineer and I’ve been a hiring manager for software engineers. I’d treat this as a POSITIVE trait in an applicant — it demonstrates diligence, detail orientation, self-respect, maturity, and the ability to learn from past experience.
Nodding, acquiescent yes-men and -women make terrible software engineers. I want people with critical reasoning skills and the ability to speak truth to power.
I’d recommend getting over your massive inferiority complex and apologizing before she reevaluates her relationship with YOU and realizes she can do better.” MichaelChinigo
1. AITJ For Making Plans To Intentionally Avoid Babysitting My Granddaughter?
“My (36f) daughter Lia (17f) is a teen mom. My daughter got pregnant at 14, and it was very shocking news, but we found out very early on, and the pregnancy didn’t last. A few months later and she got pregnant again, I couldn’t handle the situation very well at the time but having my sister (her aunt) talk to her about what she was planning to do, she decided to keep the baby which I’ll admit I wasn’t very happy to hear and I told her she’ll have to be responsible about the consequences.
Of course, as a mother, I couldn’t have her work and distract herself from school, I didn’t want her to miss out on her childhood, so I had to work evening-night shifts to care for my granddaughter while Lia was in school.
I realized that Lia has been taking advantage of my situation and making me cancel plans so I can babysit for her. I overheard her making plans for Valentine’s 2 weeks ahead on the phone with someone saying, “My mom will do it she has no life anyways,” and laughing afterward.
Being a single mom and having to work multiple jobs was hard enough but since she gave birth to her daughter, I haven’t gone out to any party, I’ve canceled many weekend gatherings so that my daughter can be able to hang out with her friends and if I did go, I’d always have my granddaughter with me, and for her to laugh about my situation like that angered me.
That same day, I was asked by a guy I’ve been seeing to accompany him on Valentine’s, and I was hesitant, but I didn’t want to miss the chance. He’s a really nice guy, I haven’t been out with a guy for almost 6 years, and it wouldn’t hurt to give my daughter a taste of motherhood when she least expected it.
I told my daughter that I got asked out for Valentine’s and she was happy at first but then asked if I was going to take her daughter with me and I said obviously not and she’ll have to cancel plans for a day.
I didn’t expect her reaction to be so extreme. She cried, screamed, and told me I was being selfish and that I was letting her miss her outing just because I thought a guy was interested in me.
The argument didn’t end very well, I stood my ground and went to that outing, and she had to cancel plans, but she’s still really mad about it and has been ignoring me.
I love my daughter, and I wouldn’t want her to miss anything, but I wanted her to learn a lesson and be responsible. My sister agrees with me but my friend told me I should have done it on a normal day not on Valentine’s.
Does my approach make me a jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
Your daughter got pregnant at 14, and it came to an end. Where were you as a parent? 14 yr olds can’t even drive with a permit. Either this happened at your house and you were none the wiser, or someone else who can drive had the means to take your daughter somewhere and impregnate her.
Which means at least 16 or older. No mention of the guy at all in all this which is really unfair to a FOURTEEN YEAR OLD. Honestly, that first pregnancy was a cry for help. It was a wake-up call for you to be involved in your child’s life, therapy or counseling for your troubled kid, or (hopefully) both.
At fourteen she definitely should have had counseling after the loss of the first baby at the very least. That’s traumatic even for grown women who are sure about their decision.
She also sucks because she’s walking all over you and taking advantage of how much you work.
Yes, she deserves to have fun and enjoy her life, but unfortunately, she also needs to face consequences for her actions. And that means not going out all the time and becoming a parent, as regrettable as it is that she has to do so so young.
Both of y’all need counseling and you really need to make sure she values herself as a human being, and not just as a pretty girl who can get guys and babies. Sounds like you both are unfortunately lacking some self-respect and self-esteem.
Her because of her two pregnancies with absent men, and currently going out a lot, and you because you sacrifice your time and your life for her. You’re a person who deserves to have a good time, too. Wish the best for you both and hope the guy you’re currently seeing is good for you, OP!
Hopefully, it sets a model for her so she doesn’t expect men to keep sleeping with her and leaving when a kid shows up.” onemichaelbit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Her baby, her responsibility. While she is still a teen, she is no longer a child.
She is a parent. Parents make sacrifices as you illustrated one too many times by being a babysitter. You are not the babysitter. You are the grandmother. Grandparents aren’t free sitters at a parent’s beck and call. If she felt old enough to make adult decisions, she is old enough to care for, take responsibility for, and be accountable for the result of her adult decisions.
You gave her a dose of reality and it didn’t settle well with her.
If I were you, I would establish a day where you will take care of the kid. Maybe do every other Saturday. Even if you just sit at home on the Saturday you’re not keeping the baby, I wouldn’t babysit so she can go out.
She also needs to realize and come to terms with the fact that she’s probably going to lose a lot of her friends because she won’t be giving them the time she should be giving her child. (That is only if you stop babysitting as often, which again, I really think you should.)” Bookishrhetor
Another User Comments:
“All the NTJ here are baffling me.
This kid is SEVENTEEN. Yes, she’s being immature and rude, but she’s a KID. And the fact that OP decided to be petty about it instead of being a freaking parent and talking to/teaching her child is a jerk move.
This child also got pregnant TWICE as a teen. Yes, there’s only so much you can do, but this reeks of OP not talking to the daughter about pregnancy prevention, even after she got pregnant the first time and clearly needed the advice and help, then getting mad that they ended up with a grandchild way too early.
No, it’s not being a jerk to make Valentine’s plans and respect your own time, but the way op went about it was immature and childish. Talk to your child. Explain what you do for them and why, and how it’s cruel for her to turn that into you having no life.
So… ESH I guess? Daughter is being a jerk, but there sounds like a lot of parenting was bailed on by OP. They’re commendable for working to support, but in this specific circumstance, they’re being a jerk.” Reddit user
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