People Want Us To Be Objective In Judging Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories

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When seeking advice from a friend or family member, you may not receive the most objective of opinions. People who care about you tend to want to protect you and may be more hesitant in giving you the cold hard truth. But sometimes, all you really need is for someone to tell it as it is, no holding back, no matter how hard it is to hear. Here are some people who want your objective opinion on whether they were jerks in these stories. Read on and let us know who you think the real jerk is. AITJ = Am I the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk WIBTJ = Would I be the jerk? YTJ = You're the jerk

25. AITJ For Not Sending My Rude Friend Their Wedding Photos?

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“In late November, I was invited to the wedding of a close friend. They mentioned not having a photographer. I do amateur photography and they asked if I could ‘take some pictures’ for them. Other photographers might understand this, it’s a common occurrence for friends to try to get free photos but I consented with the caveat that I wouldn’t be able to get edited copies back to them until after the holidays.

Before Christmas even came, that friend got extremely upset about a social media post of mine (this friend is prone to some emotional instability and we have very different philosophies) and decided to inbox me insulting me, my parenting, my partnership with my fiance, my goals, everything they know about me.

They told me they thought I was a bad person who contributed bad things to this world. For some context, this isn’t the first time this has happened but this time I told them I’m done. That I won’t forgive them or let them back in my life without an apology and accountability.

Cue a severance of contact. I chose not to edit and send the wedding photos because honestly, the idea of spending time doing that for someone who had viciously insulted me just didn’t sit right with me.

However, since February, this ex-friend has been sending me nasty messages on my phone.’Where are my wedding photos you, JERK?’ is the tone for most of them.

He has also had his partner attempt to send me messages. My partner thinks I’m somewhat holding them hostage and should just send them the raw files. Part of me doesn’t want to do anything for someone who has treated me like this.

So, am I the jerk for not sending them? Should I send them?”

Another User Comments:

“You did them a favor. An unpaid favor of taking their wedding photos. Then this former friend decides to insult and berate you. Did I mention how this was an unpaid favor of taking their wedding photos? Definitely NTJ.

You owe them nothing. They burned whatever bridges were there and you certainly have no obligation to rebuild or reach out to them.” WinEquivalent4069

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. From one wedding photographer to another; block them and their partner. Block them on social media and block their phone numbers.

This relationship is over and you owe them nothing. They don’t deserve the photos they last minute guilted you into doing for free. They need to face the consequences of their cruelty. Give yourself the peace of mind by just deleting them and getting your life back by blocking them.” LiveLovelyLala

Another User Comments:

“I mean, they are clearly jerks, you did it for free, and you clearly stated you wouldn’t let them back into your life without an apology.

They shouldn’t be that mad or even surprised that you’d consider withholding pictures.

That being said, I would still send them. Don’t do any of the professional editing work but send the unedited files and then never talk to them again. They still wouldn’t be in your life.

Even if you’d be in the right it seems petty not to give someone irreplaceable wedding photos. Plus you’d get the crazies off your back. Don’t do anything else petty like people are suggesting, just send the unedited files and be done with them. No need to do more unpaid work as a favor to a ‘friend’ if they aren’t your friend anymore, but there’s also no need to give someone a reason to smear your own name/work/business (or that of your partner’s.)” sistersucksx

5 points (5 votes)
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shta 3 months ago
I would just delete all of their wedding photos. I dont need their shitty attitudes. Especially when I did it for free. Bye bye photos! Lol
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24. AITJ For Being Mad At My Partner For Wanting To Move To Another Country?

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“I have been with this guy for 5 months now and it had been going really well, he always seemed so sweet and caring and I was at a point where I was going to bring him home to meet my family, but last week things started to get strange with him.

He was texting less and the texts he did send were short, yesterday I asked him if he wanted to come and see me and at that moment he then told me that he wasn’t in the country.

I was shocked, at first I assumed that he went home to go see his family (as he immigrated a couple of years ago) but he then told me that he was in Belgium, a place that he wasn’t from nor that he had ever visited.

I asked what he was doing over there and apparently he ‘went over there for a job offering’ not like a work from home job, but a very physical job in construction.

I was furious, so I called him up yelling at him asking why he would leave the country without me, he told me to calm down and said that he was just going to check out the job and find a small apartment or something that we could move into without really considering that maybe I don’t want to put my whole life down right now and move to a new country.

But it didn’t stop there, oh no. He then told me that his new passport was in the Driver and Vehicle Licensing Agency and he couldn’t get home without his new passport, so he wanted me to come over to Belgium with his new passport and hand it over to him, I told him to find his own way home and hung up on him and we haven’t talked since.

Maybe I acted in a moment of anger and I was just being petty, maybe I should just give him his passport and move, maybe it is a plan that has been set out for me because I do think that Belgium is a beautiful country, but AITJ for doing this?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ? If you’d stopped at the third paragraph, I may have said YTJ.

I wouldn’t expect him to consult someone he’d only been going out with for five months about a job opportunity before even going to look into it, and frankly, if he liked the job, I’d expect him to take it and move with or without you, so looking at places to live there wouldn’t really be that strange.

But expecting you to drop everything and go to another country to bring him his new passport is extremely strange and very rude. You should get the address where he’s staying, mail it, and be done. Just as he shouldn’t give up job opportunities for someone he just started seeing, you certainly shouldn’t move countries for someone you just started going out with, especially if he handles major life changes this irresponsibly.” ArbitraryAngelfish

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

I’d be leery. This dude seems bound and determined to get you away from your family and friends ASAP, and possibly into a country where you don’t know the language (I don’t know what you speak). I don’t know about Belgium, but I know that Germany and Netherlands both have human trafficking problems.

Even discounting human trafficking, moving a person away from their family is a classic move used by abusers. Please be very wary and absolutely do not leave your country!” Emergency_Mine_4455

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. He clearly didn’t care enough about you to even consider discussing this with you or even telling you about this move, yet he wants you to spend funds on a flight and give him his passport? My gosh? Dump him. He should not be your ex because he has shown how little regard he has for you.” Various-Bridge-325

4 points (4 votes)
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ashbabyyyy 3 months ago
5 months? He can move wherever he wants, to expect you to bring his passport is idiotic
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23. AITJ For Saying That My Sister Is Being Selfish?

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“I (21F) have an older sister (24F) who I am VERY close with. About a couple of weeks ago, she told me she was pregnant with a friend’s (Aaron) child. She hooked up with him, and I think you can imagine what happened from there.

Long story short, I am pro-choice. Pro-choice includes the choice of keeping the child. She wanted to weigh the pros and cons with me. One of the cons is that he literally had a girl now, and another was that he didn’t want anything serious with her, so having a child together would obviously not be ideal.

She also said she didn’t want to have a child outside of marriage. I honestly don’t know why she even included me in this conversation about the pros and cons. However, I still asked her about the pros. Her ‘pro’ was that it would make her and Aaron become closer, and maybe could result in them being a family together.

That was it.

I told her that it is selfish to have a child just for the mere possibility that she could be in a relationship with Aaron.

So she told our parents that I’m trying to convince her to not have the baby and now they think I’m a jerk, even though I’ve explained many times that her reason doesn’t even seem to be the right reason.

My parents are saying there isn’t a right reason, there is only her reason. I would obviously support her decision if the reasons weren’t what I perceive as selfish.

Am I being oblivious and I’m actually being a jerk?

update: Just a couple of things! My parents are more understanding now, thankfully.

I basically told them what I said in this post and they’re like ‘oh never mind.’ So that’s cool. ALSO, this isn’t meant for anyone to relate this to infertile couples/people who have trouble having kids. My sister has NOTHING to do with their situations so how about we don’t act like someone with an unwanted pregnancy needs to be compared to those who want kids.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

If she’s only keeping the baby to try and force Aaron into a relationship with her, she needs help.

That’s not how it works. Aaron may want to terminate his rights or just pay support, what will she do then, considering her plan is to force him to be part of this happy family scenario she’s created in her head?

Your parents are just thinking ‘oooh grandbaby!’ Not about the very real consequences of her keeping it and being a single parent.

At least you can look back if this all goes terrible and know you tried to warn her of the outcome.

ETA: I saw that you said you would support her, but remember that this is her choice to raise this baby. If it doesn’t pan out like she’s imagining it in her head, you may need to set some boundaries from the start so you don’t end up co-parenting with her.

There are literally hundreds of posts like this where a sibling has a child and the poster is left being a free on-call babysitter and providing for the child. I’m not saying she would do this, but it’s something to think about in how much support you want to give when she’s fine manipulating the situation she got herself in for you to look like the bad guy.” HunterDangerous1366

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

You told your sister the truth. That kind of manipulation never works. Aaron has flat-out told your sister he’s not interested and moved on. Your sister will end up exactly where she doesn’t want to be if she decides to keep the pregnancy.

And when that happens, you shouldn’t then say ‘I told you so’ because you are a good sister. But you would absolutely be right in thinking it.

(Don’t let her sucker you into childcare. She might very well try to blame you for not stopping her and insist you have a responsibility for her mistake.)” BogwitchOfTheBog

3 points (3 votes)
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Gamergirl 3 months ago
Ntj she'd be keeping the baby for the wrong reason entirely. He won't be with her
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22. AITJ For Forgetting To Pick Up My Significant Other From The Airport?

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“I’m in an open relationship with the man I plan to marry. We’ve been together for nearly 4 years.

I met a nice young man at a Halloween party. We exchanged numbers, but never caught up. Fast forward a month and we run into each other at an underground music event.

We have a fun time and go to an afters together at my friend’s place. We have a great time and end up sleeping together on her couch. Both of us head home but he later tells me that he left his glasses at her house.

He says that he has a second pair and it’s no rush – he’d rather have me get them than get them himself.

Now it’s March and he messages me with a pleasant reminder about the glasses and I feel like a jerk, but promise to get them.

A few days ago I finally got said glasses and hit him up, but he’s away for work out of state. We talk on the phone for 4 hours till nearly 6 am and have an obvious connection through our academic and musical interests.

The thing is, I struggle with drinking and when I get nervous I tend to chase hard liquor with water until I feel better. Towards the end of our phone call, we make plans for me to pick him up from the airport.

Obviously, there are subtext plans for hooking up.

The next day I have school projects and a conference call with my dad and I don’t remember what I said I’d do. So when I text him asking to make plans in the next few days, he responds by asking if that’s what I call Thursdays.

I ask if that’s when he’s coming back home. He tells me yes and that I was supposed to pick him up.

I. Feel. Awful.

Because I do remember talking about that and I was really excited and still am. However, I was drinking and didn’t remember until reminded and he hasn’t responded to me since.

I understand him feeling that I may be a heavy drinking party girl with no respect for others’ personal belongings and the attention time span of a goldfish.

On the other hand, I absolutely didn’t mean to do this to him. I like him, and I told him that.

He knows about my partner and has even met him at the music event. We get along great and I have a lot of respect for his work and life choices and he’s been really open to talking about anything. I apologized and will strive to never do anything like this again, but I still haven’t heard from him and can’t sleep because of it.

And I think it’s worth mentioning I have been dealing with chronic depression and anxiety. I’m 31 and have dealt with them nearly my whole life. I am currently testing for narcolepsy and ADHD and have definitely tried most recreational substances you could list as a way to cope.

I’m worried that now those things are the only qualities that he will assign to me.

AM I THE REALLY BIG JERK?

Can I fix this?”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ but only ever so slightly. You’re a heavy drinker and it is negatively affecting your relationships which is one of the hallmarks of your addiction.

You are only slightly a jerk here because forgetting this conversation is a pretty minor league transgression but it’s still your fault and it’s still your heavy drinking. Get sober, everything in your life will improve when you do, I speak from experience.

When you are sober you will look back on your drinking days and realize how much more of your life the drinking was negatively affecting than you already think now. Drinking hard liquor and chasing it with water is pretty hardcore substance abuse even by any standard.

Good luck, you can do it, you’ll thank yourself when you’re on the other side.” Cmacbudboss

Another User Comments:

“Self-knowledge is a good thing, and you don’t sound like a jerk as a person overall. But look, you have all these reasons why it happened.

And fine, they’re reasons. And you’ve apologized, and that’s good. But yeah, of course, it’s bad to stand someone up at the airport of all places. Of course, they’re not going to be happy about it. You know that. And the thing is, while you’re emphasizing this long string of justifications, it makes it sound like you’re not being accountable or taking responsibility, but just reeling out a bunch of excuses why it’s not your fault.

You messed up. If you messed up and genuinely apologize, you deserve a real chance. But if you mess up and then apologize and then have a dozen reasons why it’s not your fault people are going to feel like you’re not really sorry.

And most of the time, apologies are just words – proving that you’re not going to do things like that again is really what makes the difference in earning back someone’s trust after you let them down.

I understand your reasons and even empathize with many of them, but the fact is other people can choose whether or not they want to deal with that. Some will, some won’t, and that’s their right too.” Left-Car6520

3 points (3 votes)
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Pabs7 3 months ago
You’re a lot to handle. Unable or unwilling to be in a monogamous relationship. Substance abuse problem. Depression. The list goes on.
He’s decided you’re not worth the trouble. If you know his address mail his glasses, throw a note in apologizing one more time for forgetting without the litany of excuses and then leave the poor guy alone.
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21. AITJ For Wanting To Learn How To Style My Partner's Daughter's Hair?

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“I’m a 28-year-old woman of Japanese descent and am preparing to move in with my partner of three years who is a 34-year-old man of African descent. He is a widower and has a 7-year-old daughter, she is a sweet girl and I am very fond of her.

Since I will be living with them I thought it was a good idea to reach out to his mother to ask if she’d help me learn how to take care of/style his daughter’s hair as there may be some days she wants or needs help and I’ve never dealt with hair that has her texture, I wouldn’t want to know nothing.

Perhaps I could have asked my partner but let’s be honest, a woman with that hair texture is more likely to know better styles/tricks and all over ‘prettier’ looks. I even suggested to her that I could buy a mannequin head with a similar hair texture to his daughter’s to practice on.

His mother got upset with me and told me that it’s not my place to want to learn to style her grandchild’s hair and that it’s a bonding experience for them whenever she does her hair and I shouldn’t try and step on that.

I apologized immediately but explained I wasn’t trying to take that away from her I just thought it was a good thing to know in case it ever comes up or she asks for help.

His mother insists it’s not appropriate for me to want to take care of her hair and has even told my partner what I asked and while he doesn’t think what I’ve done is ‘Bad’ he has said I should probably leave this for his mother.

I’m a little upset by this, I was trying to have my bases covered and be able to help if she ever needs it.

Was it maybe insensitive of me to ask to learn?’

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here. I think she’s a touch defensive since this is something she and her granddaughter are bonding over not just as something that they do together, but because it’s over a shared physical trait, it can feel like an outsider trying to come in between.

But I think your interest in learning about hair care is good, and it may help to lay off the topic for a time, and approach it again gently at another time or have your partner bring up the reality of her not being able to be there all the time.

She may have also had some hairs raised if you brought up ‘prettier’ styles without specifying anything, I think a lot of people can use that to mean relaxing or straightening hair (source: I and my sister have fairly curly/3B and 3C hair and have heard it in that context.)” claw_caps

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – definitely NTJ.

While the guy’s mom seems to be a little bit of a jerk, your request was totally appropriate and reasonable.

I understand that there is a cultural and even traditional aspect to hair care – but closing that off to you isn’t fair to the child or you.

A good friend of mine is African American and had a child from a previous marriage and he got married to a white Jewish woman who had no idea about caring for or styling that type of hair.

When she asked the same question of her mother in law & sister in law – they both encouraged her and helped her learn — she was brought into that world.

This is good because her first child was a girl and def had her father’s hair!

Maybe your partner’s mom is afraid you’ll try and supplant her involvement in her granddaughter’s life – maybe she needs to understand that you’re in this for the long haul.

Either way – her response was wrong but you can work on helping her realize you aren’t trying to take away their time – you’re trying to support your partner’s little girl.” AnybodyMassive1610

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here. Hair is an extremely nuanced topic within the Black community (at least in the United States) and I don’t want to call Grandma a jerk because she could have had very negative personal experiences about her hair and be coming from a protective place with her granddaughter.

I don’t think jumping to the conclusion that Grandma is jealous is what’s happening here.

I do agree if you’re going to be living with your partner’s daughter you should know some basics. With kids, anything happens and it’s not right to make the kid wait for Grandma with dirty hair should something happen between visits with her.

I think you should discuss this with your partner and get his thoughts, he may prefer to take care of any emergencies as it’s his daughter. Plan to revisit if he declines your help and his daughter asks you to help with her hair in the future.

If he understands and is cool with you potentially stepping in as needed, there are a huge amount of videos on Tik Tok around caring for and styling Black hair, I don’t know how I ended up on that algorithm but you can find videos on hair type, product, and how to wash/dry/style.” Ok-Aardvark-6742

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – you are absolutely right that you need tips on proper hair care for his daughter.

This is a huge thing in many relationships like yours, and if you’re living together, you may not be a ‘mother’ figure but you ARE in a caretaker role for his daughter, at least in a limited sense. It sounds like you approached this respectfully, so I don’t see that you did anything wrong.

Grandma may be having some issues with the situation, but that’s a her-problem. Your partner sounds like a peacekeeper, but he needs to step up and mediate this better. You do need this knowledge, at least in day-to-day care. Maybe not all of the ins and outs of complicated hairdressing, but managing it and caring for it daily for things like getting ready for school? Unless your partner is doing it himself, or the daughter is old enough to do it herself, it will be helpful for you to know.

Maybe in the short term, step back and wait to see if your daughter actually asks you for help one day. If she does, you can push the issue.” fourleggedfishfood

2 points (2 votes)
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Pabs7 3 months ago
NTJ. But leave it alone or watch some you tube videos. Don’t ask his mother again. It’s apparently a touchy subject.
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20. AITJ For Telling My Professor That A Groupmate Barely Participated?

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“I (24M) am in college for engineering. We have a group project due the last semester where you basically work the entire semester on this project. To prepare students for real-life job experience, they are given a task and things are divided among the students.

So in January, my group of 4 divided responsibilities and we get each other updated.

Our paper is due on Friday. On Sunday the group starts a paper in teams and is adding to the document throughout the week so we can review the stuff.

Except for one of our members. He isn’t responding in teams and when asked in class he says ‘I’m working on it.’

Come Thursday before it’s due none of the stuff he was assigned to do is there. But he has taken the time to go through and proofread and make notes on all of the items the other members have put in the document.

Spelling errors and references stuff but none of his own stuff. I ask again and he says he’ll have it done by Friday.

Well, come Friday evening, still, nothing is posted. So I ask him and he says he’s autistic so he always gets extensions on things so he’s not worried about it.

But then I ask if that applies to group assignments. He emails the professor and she says no, all work is final when submitted Friday. He starts freaking out and crying because he hasn’t done any of the work on the assignment for the entire semester!

So we all scrambled together and complete the parts he was supposed to work on.

I was so annoyed and emailed my professor to explain how the member did absolutely nothing. I don’t know what will happen to him but this is a required course for graduation offered once a year and the only credit is the paper and a presentation later this week

I was so frustrated but I felt bad for being so because he’s autistic.

Am I the jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, he got too used to being able to use it as an excuse and when he realized it wouldn’t work he turned on the tears. I’m disabled with mental illnesses, and never have I used them as an excuse to not do work when others depended on me, to the point of apathy.

He lied and said he was working on it, then all of you had to chip in to do his work at the last minute because he didn’t get an exception he was used to. He didn’t even check he just presumed.

I would be fuming, you said it yourself it’s to prepare you for a real job, real jobs don’t give extensions just because of autism and they expect you to do the work when you’re supposed to not leave it to the last minute.” Confused_Squish

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

He is trying to use being autistic to not do the work. He should not be able to claim credit for your group assignment when he didn’t do the work. You were right to email the professor.

It is about time schools stopped forcing people to work together on assignments, where if one doesn’t do it, it can penalize all.

If they want group assignments in the future, schools need to give each student a clear outline for their part of the assignment, so if that part of the assignment is substandard, only that one student gets a bad grade. The other students in the project get a grade based on their participation.” KarenMaca

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

It is the group’s responsibility to work together, which is always problematic.

Short of that, if a member is stalled on their portion, they need to inform the rest. If they have ‘a deal’ with the prof because of their autism, they need to notify the group. It is entirely the fault of the non-worker that the project is a mess.

If he is functioning at a level where he can manage college but has exceptions, it is HIS RESPONSIBILITY to present and clear these exceptions to each professor at the beginning of the term. Not the group’s fault.

You were right to alert the professor, as there is literally nothing else that can be done to clear this up at this point. A lesson to be learned about group work to be sure. Don’t let anyone slack for more than a week or two. Clarify progress often, and push the sluggish ones.” User

2 points (2 votes)
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LorkhansDaughter 3 months ago
Autism is not an excuse and people need to stop using it as such as it is insulting to people - like me - who actually have Autism. It is people like them who make it harder for people who actually have it to be taken seriously
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19. AITJ For Refusing To Take My Foster Son To Visit His Mom?

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“I (24F) foster a child (3M). I have done it since he was just 2 weeks old. During the phone calls he has with his mum (when he has them) she almost always will ask me if I could bring him up to see her, and that she’d even pay for the flights if she really had to.

But I really don’t want to take him up there. She’s a really flakey person and I know I’d be stuck there alone with him while she does her own thing with her friends which she often did before she moved away. She doesn’t even remember his own birthday.

Plus not only would I need to ask for time off work, but this ‘trip’ would also be taking me away from my nursing studies and cost me hundreds of dollars which is something I don’t have, I would also be on a plane for 3+hrs alone with a 3yr old during a health crisis.

I feel like if she wants to see her son she should come to us. But she refuses to because she isn’t in a good place with her mum so won’t have anywhere to stay.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Based on your description, she doesn’t want to take the trip herself, because then she’d be stuck actually having to spend time with her son.

If you go up to visit, she’s free to do other things, so she won’t have to commit as much. If she really wants to spend time with her son, she’ll come down.” ColdAndGrumpy

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Not your monkey, not your circus. If she so badly wants to see her son, she can make arrangements to come and see him.

If she can pay for flights, she can pay for a hotel while she is on your side. She just wants everything on her terms.” Various-Bridge-325

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. If she can pay for your flights she should be able to pay for somewhere to stay to visit you. You are hesitant based on her history but not saying she can’t see him, it sounds like you’re a single working mother in school so yeah she has to work around your schedule.” Aggressive_Earth_322

2 points (2 votes)
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jin 3 months ago
You need to contact his social worker to make any plans to be sure where this stands legally.
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18. AITJ For Wanting To Sue My Sister For Stealing My Social Security Number?

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“My (F30) sister (F33) and I were born in the US but our parents were from a different country so we moved away when we were very little. My sister moved back to the US 5 years ago and I recently found out (because one of my nieces told me) that my sister has been using my Social Security Number to do taxes since she went back.

I personally haven’t used it to do anything because I’ve always lived in a different country and I don’t have any plans to go back to the US. I have told my parents that I’m going to investigate what she has been doing with it and if I found something bad, I’m going to sue her accusing her of fraud and theft of identity.

They haven’t talked to me since then because they say that I don’t have plans to live in the US and whatever she does with my SSN is not going to affect me cause I’m in a different country. So, AITJ and should I stop trying to find out what she has been doing with my personal information?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, it is literal fraud.

While the US to my knowledge is the only one that requires tax filings even if abroad, other countries do consider your foreign investments for other things. Not to mention, if she uses it to file taxes, she is probably using it for banking and possibly credit.

If she defaults on that they could try to come after you personally as it is all in your name.

I wouldn’t sue her personally but I would let the IRS and credit bureaus know that there is unusual activity on your SSN and let them investigate.

You may not have plans to move to the US but you never know what will happen in the future so good to keep your SSN in order.” teanailpolish

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, but you can’t sue her unless you find out that you’ve lost something of value because of this.

What you can do is report her to the police where she is for fraud. Get to that right away because you could face problems because of what she has done. You could owe tax that she hasn’t paid. She could have applied for a loan in your name.” pensivegargoyle

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – Not only is your sister legally committing a crime, but she could be majorly messing up your life. Even if you don’t have plans to return to the US in the future, that could change. Plus depending on what exactly your sister is doing it might not matter whether or not you ever come back to the US.” ian9921

2 points (2 votes)
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KrazyKe11ie 3 months ago
NTJ. And you NEED to stop her from doing this. doesnt matter of you live there or not they can still come after YOU for her wrong doings.
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17. WIBTJ If I Cut My Hair Before My Friend's Wedding?

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“I am 20F and I am a bridesmaid for my friend Sally. Sally is an amazing person and she’s been super kind to all the bridesmaids. I do remember at one point someone in our friends’ group chat posted a photo of crazy-colored hair and she said she wanted to try it and Sally said ‘not before the wedding!’

My hair has been a source of body image issues for me.

When I’m stressed I tend to pick at my hair and it’s dry and damaged. I really want to cut it into a pixie hairstyle so it doesn’t affect me as much. I would do it right away except for the wedding coming up.

I know Sally said no crazy hair colors but a pixie cut is a significant change as well. It is in a month and a half so I could wait, but my partner said I shouldn’t have to put my life on hold for Sally’s wedding.

I asked my mom and my mom said it would be a jerk thing to do if I got it cut before the wedding and I shouldn’t give Sally any more stress.

I don’t want to stress Sally and make my hair a topic of conversation at her wedding (not that I’m that important but even someone commenting on my hair takes attention away from the wedding) but I’m also very tired of my hair.

WIBTJ if I drastically cut my hair a month and a half before my friend’s wedding?”

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here. Just talk to her, explain what and why, and offer to wait.

A color change is an attention drawing right. But for a drastic cut, if you are all getting your hair done the day of and Sally is choosing the style, she may have already discussed and decided what style the stylists are preparing to do.

I bring this up because I had short hair for a wedding, I had cut it before the couple had even gotten engaged, but the bride forgot to tell the stylists that I did not have medium to long hair and it completely threw them through a loop day of.

It wasn’t fair to them, and put more stress on the bride, and I was also frustrated because they just made it up as they went along, where I could have easily gone to see them a few days before so they could see the length and style and give them time to figure something out that would make my style more cohesive with the other bridesmaids.

Just explain to Sally that you want her wedding to be as stress-free as possible and you’re willing to compromise or just wait if that’s what she prefers.

And don’t listen to your partner. Men don’t understand the nuances and importance of formal events.

He just doesn’t want you uncomfortable I’m sure but yeah it can be a really big deal. Either talk to her or just wait until after the wedding. NTJ/No jerks here.” batmandi

Another User Comments:

“I will never understand the problem with changing your appearance before someone’s wedding…

It’s your body, your choice. Do you mean to tell me that if you had a pixie cut for years your friend wouldn’t ask you to be a bridesmaid because of it? Why? How? What’s the reasoning here?

I went from platinum blonde to ginger a week before being my best friend’s maid of honor – there was no issue.

We’re friends, that’s why she asked me to be her maid of honor and that’s what should count in this situation, not aesthetics/clashing with decor/whatever.

All in all, NTJ. And if she has a problem with your appearance and happiness because your hair is ‘stressing her out’ you need to reevaluate your friendship – some things are more important than aesthetic wedding photos.” queen_of_tacky

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

I had a bridesmaid ask 10 weeks out if it was ok to cut her hair.

I asked for the style and why, and found out she had a medical condition so I told her she could shave and wear a wig or scarf, or go free skin. 4 weeks out she asked if it was ok for a Henna tattoo, I asked what design.

Day of, she was gorgeous. My SIL however… tried to be ‘nice’ and tried to kick her out, but everyone knew she had no say over MY day.

Talk to your friend, explain your reasons, offer alternatives, like a scarf or a wig, and let her know that you don’t mean to have this hair health issue but also do not want to distract them from her day.

I hope your hair does recover, don’t stress. When I look back at my wedding photos, I don’t see a person who attempted to ‘ruin’ my day, but a friend who was able to be honest with me about her medical condition, and still was able to join in.” OriginalDogeStar

2 points (2 votes)
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Morning 3 months ago
Hmmm. I have been in at least 5 weddings an no bride/groom has ever had an opinion about my hair. (and when I got married, I had not restrictions on hair or dress). But having said that, I would bring it up with the bride and let her know you are having hair issues. Don't make it asking permission, but rather just letting her know so she is not surprised.
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16. AITJ For Not Wanting To Quit Smoking?

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“I (F23) have been going through some issues the past 2 years. Not going into detail, but the issues consist of financial, mental, and household stuff. My partner (M24) has tried his best to be supportive and about a year ago, he suggested that I try to smoke to take off a bit of the stress.

Fast forward a few months and I’m addicted to smoking. I know it is terrible for you, but at the moment it’s my only coping mechanism since it doesn’t break the bank and helps me calm down in the tough situations at work and home (can’t afford therapy, antidepressants, etc.

and family support is out of the question).

Recently though, my partner just quit smoking out of the blue cause he wants to be healthier. I was so happy for him and told him how proud I was of him. He then told me that he expected me to do the same.

Immediately, cold turkey, no questions asked.

I told him that I am not willing to give it up yet. I’m not nearly able to afford legitimate help yet and I’m too mentally exhausted to be strong enough to not need smoking to cope. I told him I won’t smoke in front of him to tempt him, and I’ll try my best to limit how much I smoke, but I can’t promise anything.

He got furious with me and told me that if he could do it I could do it (which is true since he was also addicted and overcame it) and he doesn’t want to be the guy with the ‘smoking partner’ anymore. I told him that’s unfair, since no one judged him when he still smoked and that he got me into it in the first place.

The argument escalated which led to him telling me he’s never been this disappointed in having me as a partner before and that I can’t blame my issues on not wanting to be a better person.

I went off and told him he should count his blessings since his mom can actually pay to get him help for his mental struggles and that he only smoked in the first place because he wanted to fit in with his friends.

I continued and told him that suggesting that everyone can do something, just because you have the ability to do it, is very judgmental and closed-minded.

The fighting stopped, but there’s still a lot of animosity and now every time he sees me, he pulls up his nose in disgust like I just had a smoke before seeing him, when in fact I haven’t smoked in hours.

One of the times he acted like he smelled smoke, I had just gotten out of the shower, so I know he only does this to get under my skin.

So, I know I’m the jerk for smoking in general, but AITJ for how I handled my partner trying to force me to quit?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

Addiction is a health issue, and if your mental health is in the gutter it’s no wonder that you’re using smoking as a coping mechanism.

He’s allowed to not want to go out with a smoker (even if it’s a big hypocritical given he was a smoker and you weren’t when you started being together) but you’re also allowed to want to continue being one.

It seems like you two are just incompatible now.

In a way this is a blessing in disguise, this situation has shown you that your partner responds to conflict by being passive-aggressive and trying to bully you into doing what he wants so you’d be better off without him anyway.” annedroiid

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – It’s great that he stopped smoking.

But that was decided when he was ready for it. You clearly are not. I know my mom smoked for years and now has COPD. I was so worried all of the time that I tried to pressure her to stop in the past.

But that was because I saw her health being in danger, having trouble breathing, etc. Not because I hate people who smoke (because I myself find it disgusting). I came to realize she wasn’t ready because mentally she had some issues as well, because of her past (I won’t go into detail).

And she is a grown woman who can decide for herself when she is ready, even though she knew it was time to stop for her health.

After a while, she did take the leap to get in touch with the doctor and get help with this smoking addiction.

She managed to do it and hasn’t smoked in 5 years. I am very proud. I wouldn’t ask my partner to stop, knowing he or she wouldn’t be mentally strong enough yet. We all have our coping mechanisms when going through something. Sometimes it’s drinking, sometimes it eating junk food, illegal substances, or smoking.

He can try to support you but he shouldn’t force you to stop just because he did. I would now act rebellious and blow it into his face. But I guess that’s not good advice. I just think it’s childish of him.” Doritos_nachocheese

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

The unmitigated GALL of this man to try to play the morality police when he literally got you addicted in the first place is insane.

He’s not even encouraging you to quit because he genuinely thinks it would be beneficial, he’s making demands cause he would be ’embarrassed’ by his smoking partner. He’s hypocritical, disrespectful, selfish, and judgemental. He thinks that everybody has the same kind of access to resources that he does when life does not work like that.

Just cause he can quit with the help of mommy’s money doesn’t mean everybody else can! And that’s coming from someone whose mom WOULD help if they ended up in your partner’s situation.

His actions are shameful and he should feel nothing but guilt and remorse for trying to force your hand.

It’s not like you’re not aware of the harm that smoking is doing, you simply can’t afford a healthier coping mechanism for the stressors present in your life. I smoke for the same reasons, I have a medical card so it’s legal for me but regardless I understand.

I have no place judging you for your coping mechanism.

The fact that he’s resorted to antagonizing you further and is acting like a literal child cause he didn’t get his way is yet another red flag. Nothing about this man’s behavior is okay, nothing about how he’s handled this is acceptable. I’m sorry you have to deal with this, I hope that either your partner pulls his head out of his butt or you DUMP him and find someone who respects your autonomy.” jtheminipony

2 points (2 votes)
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Gamergirl 3 months ago
Ntj and he is a massive asshole for getting you into smoking at all.
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15. AITJ For Saying My Partner Is Too Cheap?

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“My (26F) partner (28M) has always been very careful with his finances but lately I feel he’s overdoing it. He currently is studying for his master’s, even though he does have a part-time job his savings are slowly dwindling so he’s trying to save funds in every way he can.

He got a cheap small solar panel he keeps in the window of his small studio where he can charge his phone. He also put battery-powered lamps in the bathroom room and the rest of the studio so he can charge them with the solar panel and not use electricity.

The lamps are not that bright and he spends all nights almost in the dark (too dark to be able to read a book, light enough to see where you’re walking).

He also doesn’t like to pay for the laundromat so he washes a lot of towels and other stuff that isn’t that dirty with the cold shower water he collects in a bucket before the shower gets warm.

He also does not want to buy a couch, he has some pillows on the floor that he thinks are good enough and calls his ‘couch’.

He saves everything from packaging material to plastic containers to plant pots because they might be useful in the future.

He has plastic water bottles filled with water in the toilet because then it fills with less water and uses less water each flush. He also doesn’t like it if I use a full flush just for a pee. The flush button has a stop so if you flush and push the other end it stops again saving water.

If I forget to push it I always get asked did you poop? If I say no he asks why I fully flushed and not stopped and wasted water.

The worst is that every time I come over he expects me to comply with everything.

He even corrects me in everything I do. When rinsing my bowl he comes over and lowers the water pressure because I’m using too much water. If I’m cold he doesn’t want to turn on the heater because it costs electricity and I can just put on an extra sweater.

Even though I don’t mind complying with most things it just feels like he is going too far. Last week I showed him a video of a lady who cooked lasagna in her dishwasher to save water (which I found absurd and kinda disgusting to cook in dirty dishwater).

He actually thought the woman was a genius. I told him that was just too much. He didn’t agree and it turned into an argument. I said that he was already too focused on saving funds and going too far and if we’d move in together he can’t expect me to do everything that he does.

Am I the jerk for saying that he is going too far with his saving tactics?”

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here. Unfortunately, he has an issue with his personality that would need therapy to resolve. People who are hoarding or have nervous disorders cannot change overnight and would need years of therapy but only if THEY want it.

Unfortunately, if you want to be with him and live with him, you’ll have to learn to adjust to his behaviors. If you can’t, then you’ll have to live separately from him. Trying to force him to change will make matters worse in this case.” ScissormanCT

Another User Comments:

“YTJ.

He doesn’t have an income that’s covering his expenses as it is and all this stuff is necessary to make his savings last until he’s finished school and can get a job. Where do you think the money for doing more laundry, buying a sofa, paying for more water, and paying for more electricity is going to come from? Cooking in a dishwasher also isn’t that strange.

The food is sealed away from the water. It’s good for fish too.” pensivegargoyle

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here. You have a totally reasonable view of what’s going on and it sounds like you only said it out of concern for him. However, he can budget the way he wants to since it’s his place and his savings.

If it bothers you start hanging at your place instead.” SheepherderNo7363

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

This is not being frugal. He has a real issue. The water bottles, half flush nonsense is offensive to you and absurd. It’s not rational either because it is not saving him any kind of noticeable money on his water bill to half flush a toilet, for Pete’s sake.

For those saying this dude isn’t a jerk… are you serious? Asking her if she pooped or not coming out of the bathroom?? Won’t turn on the heat when she is cold?? Pillows on the floor?? Yeah, you’ll both have back surgery in 10 years and it’ll cost the same as 100 couches… this dude is being completely unreasonable. I’m all for contributing positively to our environment but that is not what this is ultimately about.” Dylans116thDream

1 points (1 votes)
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Pabs7 3 months ago
I’d probably stop seeing him. He can do what he wants in his house. But I wouldn’t be dealing with all that BS.
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14. AITJ For Saying My Mom Is Lazy?

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“I’m a full-time student and working almost full time. My mom works 3 days on, and 4 days off. My dad works about 6 days a week. I’m not here to debate that the three of us need a cleaning routine, that is true.

I should add I am an adult living with my parents while I get through college and I have been helping with bills recently. My mom is a heavy drinker, drinking on her days off and sleeping. I’ll admit she is sometimes productive, but I’ve been asking her for her taxes for weeks (for my FAFSA), and my dad wants her to do their taxes already.

All she does is drink, sleep, and rearrange things that aren’t hers.

I love my mom, but she has been really laying into me lately. She ruined my birthday dinner by making up stuff to fight about. I’ve been telling her my professors are concerned and I’m not doing well mentally.

I know she is depressed too, but she also refuses help. She refuses help with laundry but then doesn’t do it, but if I get caught doing it, I get in trouble. So, I just wanted to take a poop after being at school all day and she’s just screaming how worthless my dad and I are (my dad pays most of the bills, including her car and I have been helping him pay them).

So finally I just told her to leave me alone, don’t talk about my dad like that and she’s kinda lazy too. She blew up. So, AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

Until she hits rock bottom she’s likely to keep wearing the booze as a nice fluffy blanket that keeps the outside world at bay, and you’re going to only ever interact with the outside of that booze blanket and be unable to actually connect with the real person hidden behind all that booze.

You love your mom, but you don’t love the blanket. The blanket’s giving you pain, you lashed out. Meanwhile, she’s chosen the blanket over the real people around her. The reasons, factors, and solutions are all entirely beyond you. You can’t tug the blanket away and you can’t get through the blanket, and until and unless she decides to come out from under there, the blanket stays.

Do what you need to do to stay sane, search for help for ‘relatives of heavy drinkers’ and ‘dealing with emotional abuse’, and so forth.

I mean, don’t call her names again, it’s not productive, it changes nothing and causes even more pain, but you’re not the jerk for lashing out one time.

A habit of doing so would be jerk-ish and would bleed over into every other relationship in life.” SMTRodent

Another User Comments:

“Slight YTJ. it’s her house & you live there. If you don’t like her rules & living there, move out. You may need roommates, but you don’t HAVE to live in your parent’s house.

Your mom is a heavy drinker. She may or may not be lazy, but right now, she’s sick & needs medical treatment. Your dad can put her in an inpatient treatment facility. But just like you can lead a horse to water, however, you can’t force it to drink.

You can lead your mom to treatment, but unless she’s ready, it’s unlikely to work.

You (& your dad) should look for support. Good luck.” rtgd_mmm

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your mother obviously has major issues, depression, and heavy drinking being at the center. Tell her that you need things to get done and that you want to help.

At the very least, you will clean up after yourself, do your own laundry and try and live as independently as possible within the framework of the house, because until your mother realizes she has a problem and accepts help, nothing much is going to change. When she starts to yell, leave the room and go somewhere else until she has calmed down. As soon as you can get yourself out of there and start your own life.” Various-Bridge-325

1 points (1 votes)
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Gamergirl 3 months ago
Ntj. Your mom is obviously an alcoholic. You and your dad would be better off getting her into rehab.
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13. WIBTJ If I Don't Come To My Friend's Graduation?

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“A friend of mine is graduating tomorrow. We were doing the same program last year, she passed and I did not.

I am happy for her and her achievements. She started a new job this year and moved to a new place and I have helped her with all of that.

I am still at school and there have been graduation ceremonies since the week started. I honestly was not expecting to get triggered by it as much as I did. I am quite uncomfortable with the idea of going there, seeing all the people I was with last year and all of that.

I think it’s a bit much for me to handle right now.

I have been there for each of her milestones, and she’s probably expecting me to go but we haven’t really had a conversation about it.

Will I be the jerk if I don’t go at all?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

If it would trigger you, it might be best that you don’t go. If you feel that you can’t handle this, maybe just send her a card with a small gift congratulating her and saying you wish you could have been there but something came up to prevent your attendance (you don’t have to go into specifics).” ChapSteve711

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here.

But if you’re close enough to have attended each of her milestones, you’re close enough to have this conversation. If possible, do it before the occasion.” billlevansatmariposa

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Don’t put yourself in any stressful situation like that. But it sounds like this is a really close friend so I would definitely talk to them about how you’re feeling and your reasoning. Don’t just not show up I’m sure they will understand.” throwthawholemeaway

1 points (1 votes)
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Gamergirl 3 months ago
Ntj. You don't have to go if you don't want to.
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12. AITJ For Not Taking My Sister-In-Law's Side?

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“I’m (24f) currently engaged to my fiancé Mark (32M). I genuinely love this man but honestly, this entire situation is making me see him and his family in another light. So he co-parents with his ex Amanda (29f) to raise their 4-year-old daughter Lily.

She’s an absolute angel and I adore her so much. I get along great with her mother and I’m friendly with her family as well. So yesterday my MIL had a family dinner and that’s where we broke the news to everyone we were getting married.

Everything was going great and we were being congratulated by everyone. Then my SIL (35f) decided to make a comment about how Lily will finally have a proper family. Everyone got quiet and Amanda asked her what she meant by that. SIL starts getting snarky and saying that I’ll be Lily’s new and better mother.

I immediately stepped in and said I’m not going to be replacing Amanda because she’s Lily’s mother and I’m never gonna try to take that away from Amanda and I’d just be a stepmom.

Before I can go further Mark pulled me away and told me to quiet down.

MIL asked Amanda to leave so she took Lily and left. After that SIL started to yell at me saying how I should be on her side? I said my goodbyes and waited for Mark in the car. Now he’s mad at me and saying that I don’t wanna be Lily’s mother and that I should’ve known my place!? I left last night and I’m staying at my father’s place because I’m just so upset.

I don’t know what to do. Should I have just kept quiet?”

Another User Comments:

“Oh my god NTJ. SIL is way out of line.

You’re absolutely right, Lily already has a mom and it sounds like you’re approaching each other with mutual understanding and respect which is awesome! What’s not awesome is Mark’s response.

Clearly, you have different expectations of the role you will play in Lily’s life. And besides that, telling you to ‘know your place’ is just gross and controlling. He doesn’t get to decide what your opinions are and how you react to things.

Don’t even get me started on him having no issue with his sister saying such gross and cruel things to his ex in front of their daughter.

I can’t imagine how Lily will feel as an adult knowing her father’s family didn’t consider him and her mother a ‘real family.’ What happens if you and Mark have children? Is this kind of thinking going to extend to considering your children with Mark are better than his child with Amanda?

I think you might be getting a glimpse of why he and Amanda divorced.

Is that how you want to be treated if you and he were ever to separate? Keep in mind that could easily be your own future, and the next woman might not be as upstanding as you were. Be careful.” MRoseHR

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

Of course Amanda stays as Lily’s mom, good that you stepped in and said something! It is absolutely within your right to do so. Becoming a stepmom is how it should be in this situation. There is nothing wrong with that. (I don’t get how your family-in-law thinks differently about this? Unless Amanda did something very bad or mistreats Lily.

Which really doesn’t seem the case, so they are just being jerks trying to pretend that your fiancé didn’t break up with someone for a perfect image or something?)

I do worry about whether your fiancé is just angry for the fuss it created or actually sees you as a new mom (instead of seeing Amanda as the mom) of his kid now.

Also about how it would not be your place to stand up for others? It is. And you’re about to get married, this concerns you too.” Mau36

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, there is a lot of concerning things about this situation though. The age gap for one, the lack of detail in how long you have been in a relationship with Mark, your lack of concern with knowing the history with his previous partner, and the fact that Amanda is always present when Lily is with Mark, and his family.

Also Mark’s reaction to what you said about Amanda always being Lily’s mother. There is clearly a story in this family and if you are planning to marry into it and be a good stepmother to Lily, you need to know and make an informed decision.” JenTerror

1 points (1 votes)
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shta 3 months ago
Now you know why Amanda left him. Do you really want that guy and his family in your life? I know I wouldn't but I would stay friends with Amanda. Lol
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11. AITJ For Reporting My Coworker's Wrongdoings?

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“I report what I see. I work in an assisted living facility, and I hate to see rude people working with sweet little old ladies. I also work on meds, as in passing meds to the patients, which becomes important. I have been told by multiple people to stop being a ‘narc’ and maybe I am.

I noticed I was scheduled less and less so I just shut up. For the record, this was regarding missing narcotics/antibiotics for starters.

Anyway, to the present, I’m passing meds, and there are three CNAs working, one being a ‘floater’ whose job is to just help whoever.

We have two hallways, which the others were assigned to. We will call the floater Emma. So Emma is known for not working, but I have never reported her. I’m in the nursing program and she just got accepted, so she has tried to bond with me over it and seems really sweet.

It’s just, that she would fold laundry and then sit on her phone. That’s it. I found out she wasn’t helping to put anyone to bed (this is memory care, so think nursing home vibes).

I was having to do double my work now because she wouldn’t work.

I always help on the floor, but I would have to do a lot less if Emma actually did her job. As always ‘when will you be done passing medications?’ So I could help. And if you know anything about passing meds, you need to focus on those meds.

I was literally on break and brought Emma the donuts she ordered from Dunkin when a resident asked to go to bed (she needs assistance). Emma didn’t say anything. I tried to explain to the resident I could help her when I clicked back in or gave Emma the choice to do it.

Emma said I could do it when I got back.

Later, as she was on her phone, she told another CNA she was too busy to put the easiest patient ever to bed. She didn’t do any rounds to check on the patients. I know she needs the money probably and the experience, but she refused to do anything.

So am I the jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“I would give her one opportunity after you have a discussion with her.

The discussion, in my opinion, would start out as checking in with her, seeing if she’s comfortable with her duties and if she feels she has been trained enough to do them appropriately.

Offer guidance, maybe even throw in a ‘confession’ that when you first started, you didn’t understand all the duties and before you really got the scope of your responsibilities you thought you had a lot of downtime. She may get the hint at that level, or she may say something like ‘yah I feel like I don’t have that much to do!’, and if she says anything close to that, jump in and give her ideas of what she can do.

If she’s new to the field maybe she doesn’t feel confident in assisting someone into bed, and would rather not take the risk if possible. In that case, I would help her out. Teach her best tips and tricks, which patients need certain accommodations or whatever.

The nuances of the job. These conversations will hopefully open a path where you can say down the road ‘Hey Emma, can you help Mrs. X to bed while I finish up meds?’

I could see how people would say this isn’t your job and she should know her responsibilities but we’re all new to everything once.

If you try to have the conversation with her and she falls flat, then YWNBTJ for reporting her, because at the end of the day she’s doubling your workload and not giving the patients the best quality of life which is obviously priority number one.” batmandi

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

She’s warning a paycheck but not doing her work.

You and the other staff deserve a coworker who carries her share of the load. Make a note to yourself of the amounts of time she spends on the phone vs. doing actual work & report that (& how when a patient requests help, she pretends not to hear and waits for someone else to step up.)” User

Another User Comments:

“NTJ…

especially in this field. It takes special people who can work as caregivers and if she can’t do it then she shouldn’t. Think of it this way… if it were your mom, dad, grandparents, whatever in there would you want to see someone constantly on their phone instead of helping your loved one?” I_am_the_Storm77

1 points (1 votes)
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Gamergirl 3 months ago
Ntj. I'd report her. She can't be a care aide or nurse if she won't do her damn job. I would never trust her in a medical setting.
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10. WIBTJ If I Don't Take My Partner With Me To Buy Her A Ring?

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“I (27M) plan on proposing to my partner ‘Alice’ (26F), who I’ve been with for three years now. I think I found the perfect ring but, just to make sure, I asked my partner’s younger sister ‘Marie’ (21F). Marie told me that she doesn’t really know what Alice would want, and, in addition, told me I would be a jerk if I didn’t ask for Alice’s input on the ring.

I never thought that I needed Alice’s opinion on the ring — we’ve talked about getting engaged and are on the same page, but she never mentioned anything about her ‘dream ring’ or whatever.

Also, I hoped to have the proposal be a surprise, but Marie told me that the ring itself should ‘absolutely not be a surprise’ (but that the proposal time can be) and that it would be a jerk move to ‘dictate what Alice will be wearing for the rest of her life.’

WIBTJ if I proposed with the ring I found, without asking for Alice’s input?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ as long as you acknowledge that your fiancée may not like the ring and has the right to switch to something else.

There are many methods of figuring out what ring to get. Some people ask close friends and family about it in case the woman has told them what she’d like, some people get a small ring to propose with and then get something bigger together, some people don’t propose with a ring at all so you can go together to do it.

There’s no one right way. Your future SIL is right in that your fiancée will hopefully wear this for the rest of their life and will need to enjoy it, she’s not right in saying that surprising with a ring will ruin everything.” annedroiid

Another User Comments:

“WNBTJ but engagement rings and the level of input from the bride-to-be are highly subjective! Some brides want it to be a complete surprise and are happy for their partners to pick out whatever they like (‘I’ll like it because he picked it out for me’) vs some prefer to custom-make it exactly as they like (‘I’ll wear it for life so I want it exactly like how I’ve imagined it to be’).

It seems that you did try to find out more through Alice’s sister but she is giving you her personal opinion (and not Alice’s). I would suggest that you ask Marie to low-key find out from her sister if she would prefer to give input on her ring or if she is ok with you picking it out and taking it from there. If Marie is not the right person for this kind of sleuthing, perhaps you could ask Alice’s closest friend, or another family member (sister or mother)?” ExternalMoralCompass

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Autumn2000 3 months ago
Well this is an interesting one. I'll say no jerks here but you should probably get more than one opinion here. Marie might not be a traditional type of person so she automatically thinks Alice might be the same. However Alice might be more traditional and taking her to pick out a ring could upset her. If all else fails though try leaving subtle bread crumbs. Like asking Alice what her favorite stone is or finding out what her birthstone is and getting a ring with that stone in it.
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9. AITJ For Telling My Mom I Don't Need Her Anymore?

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“I (18M) told my mother (45F) that I don’t need a motherly figure anymore. For some context, I’ve had a very bad relationship over the past few years. I’ve only known her for about 4 years and through those 4 years her bipolar disorder has torn the relationship down to the point where I’ve moved in with my brother in a different country and have been doing so well for myself.

My mother has recently moved in and started an argument about why she’s even living here (it was her idea to move). I said that I didn’t need her as a motherly figure but more of a friend and she flipped saying I don’t know how to be an adult so I started spilling about how I didn’t have a childhood in high school because of how much I had to work to support myself and started crying.

She tried to hug me and I told her not to and walked away and got ready for work. AITJ in this situation and did I overreact?”

Another User Comments:

“Sounds like she has some kind of superiority complex, wondering why you only knew her for 4 years but assuming it was because she wasn’t in your life.

Sounds like you’ve never needed a mother, and as painful as that most likely will be for your life, bc everyone needs a mom, but you got unlucky with your cards and had to raise yourself and be there for yourself. So in conclusion NTJ and I’m sorry for all your pain.” Next-Ground2208

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

I grew up with a bi-polar mom as well, and it seems like she knows how to press your buttons to the point of you needing complete space. With you just becoming an adult, she is hanging on, but unfortunately, it sounds like your Mom may need better professional help so she can be a healthy Mom.

Once your Mom is all healthy, you’ll want to have her in your life more and talk to her about day-to-day things again. I wish the best of luck to you, and I hope your Mom can get the best help she needs.

You do what you have to do to become an adult, and get your life together.” User

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You are young and sounds like it’s been tough. Doing what is best for you is all you have to do. It will have an overflow effect on all other areas of your life (in the future if not immediately). You work through your own hurt and don’t feel obligated to anyone.” zippdupp

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Gamergirl 3 months ago
Ntj if I were you I would move out. You don't need to be living anywhere she is. It sounds like she moved in with the two of you so she could follow you. You should get your own place as soon as you can.
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8. AITJ For Thinking That My Roommate Was Out Of Line Regarding His Parking Request?

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“I had a couple of friends over this evening and when my roommate got home he asked (in a rude tone, in my opinion) my friend to move her car so ‘his wife’ could park.

I found it annoying as it’s street parking; we live in the city and it’s first come first serve, also there are other places to park (literally across the street).

We’ve never discussed personal parking spots or ‘reserving space’. I’ve come home to guests parked out front where I couldn’t park directly out front. We also used to have another roommate and I was asked to park in the back.

For additional context, I just had surgery today and 2 of my close friend came over this evening to hang out with me.

I never have friends over either so it really rubbed me wrong. Am I the jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ if your friend hadn’t parked there someone else probably would have taken that parking sport before the dude’s wife got home anyways then who would he cry to lol? Screw that where I live street parking is brutal I call it parking wars everyone saves spots by parking like jerks.” SnooRobots2190

Another User Comments:

“NTJ! I hope they told him No! I would understand if it was late at night and she didn’t want to park far but even then her husband can park the car. He could have just said, can you please let me know when you leave so I can move my wife’s car? Thank you. Not demanding, it’s street parking not reserved.” HistorySweet9902

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Gamergirl 3 months ago
Ntj your roommate can suck an egg
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7. AITJ For Being The Last Customer In The Cafe?

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“A barista started mopping twenty minutes before closing and I was the last customer sitting in the cafe (getting work done on my computer)… I knew the cafe closed at 10:00 and was planning to work until 9:55, but around 9:40 I got the vibe barista who was mopping wanted me to leave so they could close up.

I did decide to stay because, I’ll be honest, I felt entitled to. I was genuinely confused as to why she was being (what I perceived to be) rude. I left five minutes before they closed. Was I the jerk for staying?

I mainly want to hear from people who have worked as baristas.

Optional details: I felt the barista was annoyed because when she mopped near my table, she pushed the chairs around very aggressively. Then she mopped uncomfortably close to my feet. THEN she said ‘I’m mopping, so just watch your step when you walk through’ – I was listening to music and working, clearly not getting up in the moment.

Idk, it just felt passive-aggressive to me. It’s one thing to feel annoyed a customer is in the way, but it’s another to be passive-aggressive and, in my opinion, petty. BUT I can also understand where she’s coming from after talking about it with my sister who said that I was being a jerk – she explained that some employees probably wanted to go home early and I was keeping them there.

I didn’t put that together so I won’t be that person again. Lesson learned!

What do you all think of this kind of scenario? Was I the jerk?

(Also, I have autism, and understanding social norms can be difficult for me. That’s why I’m here, not to defend myself but to learn and understand.)”

Another User Comments:

“You think she was being passive aggressive because she warned you to watch your step so you wouldn’t slip on the wet floor she just mopped? She probably saw you working with your headphones on and wanted to warn you just in case you didn’t notice and happened to get up… I don’t know if you know this but people get up to go to the bathroom randomly so ‘looking like you’re not going anywhere any time soon’ is a weird thing to assume she would know.

‘Mopping aggressively’? Could she not have been just tired after a long day of working in the service industry, an industry notorious for underpaying workers and some of the most annoying customers ever? Like there’s a literal sub dedicated to the insane things people have dealt with working in the retail/service industry… Mopping is just annoying and it’s 10 pm? Could she not just be exhausted and want to get it done?

I don’t think you’re a jerk for staying 5 min before closing, I think you’re a jerk for interpreting a woman just trying to get on with her life as a personal attack and yea being weirdly entitled about the space, rather than seeing another human being trying to get through her day.

Honestly, when I’m working at a cafe till closing and I notice them mopping up close to me, I don’t take it as an affront to my personal space. I get up and pull out my chair so they can get the spot I’m sitting at to shower consideration and hopefully make their life a little easier.

Then sit back down and finish working until closing. I also ask ‘Is it ok if I stay till closing?’ and I’ve never gotten anything other than a positive response. Showing minimal consideration for service workers goes a long way. The way you tell this story, yea, you sound entitled.” tiannatorres

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

As someone who used to work in restaurants, we warn customers half an hour before closing so that they can start wrapping up but we don’t start sweeping/mopping until the customers have left – it’s kinda weird that she would mop so close to you considering that’s a safety hazard.” NesteaLemonTea

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

You don’t do anything in that situation other than keep working, don’t make a mess, don’t interrupt them, and don’t make them redo their work. They close at a certain time. You’re eligible to be there if they are wrapping up early. Just be polite and stay out of the way. They want to go home as soon as possible not your problem if they had a hard day, but don’t be a jerk.” barrel_of_mice

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6. AITJ For Being More Active With My Other Group Of Friends?

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“I myself have loved to use the app Discord to meet new friends, make jokes, etc. I have a friend group that consists of 1 other female and 2 guys who have always been so nice to me, and recently I joined this server and I’ve been a lot more active in it than on my friends’ server.

One of the friends told one of the males, ‘why is OP so obsessed with that server’ and my friends have brought to my attention I have been more active in that server than theirs. Basically today we had a call and they all were yelling at me because I have not talked to them (like call I still text) in a couple of weeks and we had this long discussion on how I’m the ‘bad person’ and basically saying they’re yelling at me because they care and like me so AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

You mentioned that you still text, so it isn’t like you’re full-on ignoring them – if you were then yeah that’s a bit of a jerk move. I know some long-term friends of mine that get annoyed when I haven’t done calls with them in a bit, so could be the same case for you if you’ve known them for a while.

Either way sounds like they’re showing their toxic traits a bit with being a bit too clingy to me.” AdoreWolfii

Another User Comments:

“NTJ and you are not a bad person. They were wildly out of line and this is very controlling. It’s not okay to monitor what you are doing online or tell you how to spend your time.

They don’t own your attention.

They aren’t nice, they’re manipulative. Yelling is not how you show someone you care!

Seriously, drop them. People who guilt you if you aren’t always available to them are not people you want for friends. If they missed you, there are many, many non-trashy ways of expressing it.” bumble_blue

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. They don’t get to pick and choose where and who you hang out with. However, I think that they do indeed miss you, but definitely didn’t express it the right way.” Fun-Ad-3290

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5. AITJ For Making My Manager Cover My Shifts?

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“I first started at a location in one city where I was hired with the awareness that my transportation would be by being dropped off by family or Uber/Lyft, I was also promised placement in at most 7 miles from my home and set days off.

Fast forward 6 months and I moved to a different county, my new county had me placed at a store close to home. I was there for 6 months till I was forced to go to a different location that was 30 minutes from home.

At first, I wanted to explain how my hiring conditions had not been met at my new store but chose to stay in spite of the difficulty it placed on me and my dad and carried on.

At my now 3rd store, I spoke to leaders who had worked with my previous manager and no surprise some had heard of similar things to what I said and one had even experienced it firsthand.

I stayed until the traffic commute became so heavy I’d take 2 hours to get to and from work. I had switched to night staff too, then the same position opened up at my previous store close to home. While taking into consideration the previous treatment/change in schedule, I moved back for my health/family was being affected by the crazy commute.

I began working at the previous store where my only request considering I came in Dec., was to have one holiday off. In spite of this, I was put to work all the holidays even after I expressed it was so important to me and my family, my dad having cancer and not knowing what next year will hold.

They began to treat me as difficult after my manager said no, and I went to HR and they contacted my county manager. They then took me up on my offer of me coming in a little later on my requested day, to spend a few hours with my family.

A month passed and my manager asked me to go on a set schedule that I explained I couldn’t work. The day after my county manager came in and said I had to do it or get sent back to my previous store.

I explained I had selected my dad’s care dates around the schedule I was told I would work when I started in Dec. and that I couldn’t retract a year’s worth of schedules.

After 1 week and much stress on my end, I got back to my county manager explaining I could not do either option and said how it seemed biased that they were willing to accommodate another but not for me, the county manager replied that I had not sacrificed anything, that all I’d done since arriving to this store was ask for things.

Me? After staying at a store with the horrible commute, picking up overtime to help out, and switching to work nights to fill ‘their’ need. I later realized I was eligible to apply for medical leave for my dad. HR approved and placed me on as-needed leave and switched me to day shift for potential call-outs, I knew it would place me in a worse position, and I spent the first week clarifying and undoing rumors about it.

It affected the schedule and forced my manager/other leaders to pick up the night shift and I feel bad but I had to think about my dad first. So AITJ for turning my store upside-down?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You’re so much better than me.

I would’ve quit forcing them to find another person. I don’t understand why management doesn’t understand that their employees are people who require a work-life balance. Your job is not your life. Kudos to you for standing up for yourself.

I wish your dad and your family well.” rtgd_mmm

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

If management isn’t able to accommodate the conditions of your employment that is their fault, not yours.

Managers often tend to blame their subordinates for their poor performance. You used their system to look after yourself.” bolshoich

Another User Comments:

“The manager’s little, actual job is to work around things like that. That’s why they get the extra bucks and the more impressive job title.

As a lowly peon, scheduling shift cover is absolutely not your concern and managers shouldn’t give you flak for taking up your entitlements.

I mean ‘My dad has cancer and I need to help with his appointments’ is something human beings with any humanity, soul, compassion, empathy, or whatever should give you slack for, especially since you found a schedule that worked.

NTJ.” SMTRodent

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Youranasshole 3 months ago
Ytj because you said they didn't accommodate you when they clearly did. You admitted you got what you wanted. And you still kept asking for more. They don't have to accommodate every single thing you ask. Grow up
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4. AITJ For Letting My Husband Sleep?

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“After putting our son to sleep around 9 pm, my husband has started to fall asleep himself. I tried to wake him up knowing sleeping early has disrupted his routine. He asked me if I could just let him sleep but wake him up later.

I tried to wake him up 30-40 minutes later just as he asked. He responded saying he just needs more time. So I let him sleep because he seemed tired. At 12:45 am, he woke up and confronted me as I was watching TV.

‘You never woke me up!’ I told him, I figured to just let him sleep through the night. Then he said, ‘I have pills to take, please do as I say.’

I immediately think that’s your responsibility, not mine! And I actually tried to get him out of bed twice and both times he refused because he wanted to get more sleep.

Is it my fault?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ because you tried to wake him up and were trying to be thoughtful by letting him sleep.

However, saying that your husband’s medication is his responsibility was kind of a jerk thing to say. That’s your husband you’re supposed to be the one who looks out for him and vice versa.

Sometimes I forget to take my medicine or my wife forgets to take hers and we both remind each other of that, especially when we know one was sleeping during the normal time because the last thing we want is for the other to have any issues with not taking it.

Maybe everyone is different about that but for me, that was a jerk comment.” cwfgarza

Another User Comments:

“On one hand, NTJ, because you did try to wake him up. But I could see your husband’s side of things – I’m one of those people that will hit ‘snooze’ on the alarm for 2h or just ignore it and sleep through it, so sometimes, if I know I have to be up by a certain time, I’ll ask my SO to wake me up and then later happily proceed to do what your husband did (aka: ask him to just leave me alone and let me sleep).

If he doesn’t drag me out of bed despite my protests I get annoyed because that’s specifically why I ask him to wake me up – because an alarm is just not enough to get me up (he knows this btw).” queen_of_tacky

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Gamergirl 3 months ago
Ntj. He's a grown ass adult. He can get his ass out of bed when you wake him like he asked. Not your fault. That was his own doing.
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3. AITJ For Knocking Loudly While My Roommates Were Fighting?

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“I have two roommates (M and F late 30s) who are married. We live in a small flat and the walls are pretty painfully thin. I moved in a few months ago and have noticed this couple fights all the time. Sometimes for hours.

It can be kind of entertaining sometimes but most of the time I just want them to shut up.

So last night they started fighting around 9:30 and by the time it had reached 11:40 they were still going at it. It wasn’t terribly loud like screaming but it was raised harsh voices and loud enough for me to hear clearly.

The thing is I am in my graduate school exam week, had a horrible headache, and am stressed so I desperately just wanted to be able to sleep. Finally, I knock loudly on the shared wall and hear him curse loudly, and then it was quiet for a bit before he started raising his voice a bit and she just kept shushing him.

But it worked and I got silence within 10–15 min! But, I feel like it might be kind of a jerk thing to do to pound on the wall to get your roommates to shut up but also the fighting is so annoying.

They do move out the first week of May so I won’t have to endure this that much longer. I know I should probably have a chat with them but it’s kind of awkward since I hear all their fights. Also, I don’t see them that much since our schedules are so different.

So when I am home they are usually just in their room arguing and it feels weird trying to talk to them about not arguing so much when they are in the middle of an argument.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You have a reasonable expectation of a noise-free environment after 9/10 pm and unless you tell them they’re loud, how else are they to know? You need to have a conversation about this and tell them what you said here… stress, headache, etc, and ask if loud conversations can be kept to a minimum or done elsewhere.

You could also invest in some good earplugs too.” 1164MorningGloryCl

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Sometimes you’ve simply got to remind inconsiderate neighbors that other people share the walls. When they’re fighting well into the night and you’re having to listen to it, that’s unacceptable. Nothing wrong with letting them know it.

It’s better than calling the cops. I myself have knocked on a wall or two to let noisy neighbors know that I didn’t appreciate their racket.” Lauralai_22

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. It probably would have been more appropriate to knock on their door and explain that you could hear them fighting and that you need some peace and quiet due to it being your exam week. But your way seemed to have worked well so maybe it’s just fine.” animatedkhaleesi

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Gamergirl 3 months ago
Ntj. They need to shut up
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2. AITJ For Ghosting A Friend?

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“In high school, I had a friend in a friend group. Let’s call her G. She was the ‘leader’ of this group and could be very controlling and manipulative. She could also get mad really easily which made everyone in the group pretty uncomfortable and naturally, most of us just followed what G wanted to avoid conflict altogether.

If she was down, she changed her attitude towards everyone and acted like it was everybody else’s fault. If I shared happy news with her, she could be like ‘okay?’ And if anyone suggested a hangout she could merely reply with a ‘??’ but got upset when the rest of us didn’t suggest hanging out.

She claimed she was the only one who ever suggested hangouts, but when someone else did it, and it was something she personally didn’t want to do, it was just no idea, even though some other people wanted to.

Since she only wanted to do with us what she wanted, I guess there was a reason all of us stopped asking to hang out eventually.

She was a negative person and in general not fun to be around and manipulative.

So after graduation, I want to distance myself from her as I don’t want to deal with a friend whom I need to walk on eggshells around not to make her upset.

I personally didn’t have much in common with her either so I thought our hangouts in general only felt awkward.

Another friend, P, has also wanted to distance herself from G. Her way of handling it was to simply start ignoring her texts, as in not opening and not replying.

I started to do this too, at least in the group chat. But I feel so mean, I feel like such a bad friend. I still haven’t opened some messages from our group chat because I’m scared I will have to take the blame for everything since nobody else replies.

Even though she might’ve been a bad friend, I don’t want to hurt her.

AITJ for ignoring my friend’s texts if I don’t want her in my life anymore?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Ghosting someone is probably the kindest way to give them the hint that you are not particularly interested in continuing your relationship.

Let’s face it, we change and we move on and we pass many milestones in life. We usually don’t keep ALL our friends as we go from stage to stage, and we have limited time to try and keep up with everyone. Basically, we have to be picky about how we spend our precious hours.

No need to be direct or tell her exactly how you feel, that would be a bit cruel. If she does contact you, simply apologize, say something like ‘sorry I am just so busy these days since graduating, nice to hear from you!’ and leave it at that.

She will move on too eventually.” Funny_Jellyfish5632

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. If she were simply annoying or had some other trait you disliked, that’d be one thing. But if she’s manipulative and controlling, it doesn’t seem like she’d be receptive to constructive criticism. It would be a bold move to just be frank with her, and maybe a little forthcoming, like ‘I was going to do the slow fade and contemplated this for a while, but I didn’t think it would be super fair to not tell you exactly what’s up,’ etc etc.

That’s an option, but you’re NTJ for not going that route given her personality.” Spirited_Carry894

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – you need to put yourself and your mental health first. Just because someone was a friend, or got into a friend circle, doesn’t mean they still are your friend or ever were.

Someone who treats people like that is fully responsible for pushing others away. Her hurt would be solely the consequences of her own actions.

Sounds like her attitude is ruining the entire friendship group. D’you really want all the rest of you to slowly drift apart in your collective attempt to avoid her? Sometimes just starting another chat is the way to go.” NeuroticAttic

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Gamergirl 3 months ago
Ntj. Myself I'd tell her she's a narcissist bitch who needs to grow up.
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1. AITJ For Not Wanting To Accept My Husband's Suggestion For Our Child's Name?

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“My (30f) husband (37m) and I are expecting our first child. We’ve just found out that it’s going to be a girl and so we’ve started discussing potential names. My husband and I are from different countries with different languages. We both speak each other’s languages and we live in my husband’s country.

When we found out we were having a girl, my husband said he’d like us to name her after his grandmother who passed away recently, and to who he was extremely close. I think this is a very, very sweet idea, and I would have no problem with it were it not for the fact that, to put it bluntly, her name in my language means female genitalia.

In his country, that association doesn’t exist at all, it’s just a pretty name, and he feels that because we live in his country, there’s no issue with our daughter being called that. On the other hand, I’m extremely, extremely reluctant to call her it knowing what it means in my country.

It’ll be embarrassing for her to introduce herself with that name when we visit, and if we ever moved back (we’re not planning to, but you never know) and she had to attend school there, she’d definitely be bullied for it.

We’ve argued about it a bit and neither of us wants to back down.

I suggested we use it as a middle name, but he really wants to honor his grandmother by using it as a first name. I suggested we change the name slightly to make it a name that exists in my country, while still being very similar to his grandma’s name, but he thinks that’s not the same.

Eventually, my husband accused me of being embarrassed by his culture, which isn’t true, I’m in love with his culture and I think the name is very pretty, it’s just that I know our daughter will visit my country too and she’ll have such a hard time there with that name.

Am I being the jerk to insist we use it as a middle name or change it slightly?

Edit: The name is Fanny.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, and is your husband serious? There is no way he can expect that you just forget a connotation that is that strong for you since you grew up in that fricking country.

Even if you would never set foot in your own country again, you still know what that word means.

I mean – I can’t even. Why would he insist if he knows that this is the meaning that name/word has for you? He really wants to name his child something that essentially means something inappropriate for you and he cannot see why you would not want to associate your child with that.

That’s like – here in the Netherlands some (odd) people call their son Muck. Doesn’t technically have a meaning in Dutch and besides being a rather ugly/odd name if you don’t have any knowledge of English it’s apparently acceptable.

That said if you’re married to a native English speaker there is no way you would insist on calling your child Muck, is there? Knowing the negative meaning that word has in English? You can’t say ‘well we’re living in the Netherlands, our son will never have to deal with this meaning’ because you know that the other parent does have that meaning/association with that word in their own language/culture.” Farahild

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

It is the child of both of you. You even want to honor the grandmother and he doesn’t want to move one inch. A partnership is about compromise. Why does he think that he can just decide but not give in a little? Why does your opinion not matter to him?

The child will also grow up with your culture and you will most likely also visit your home country.

Even not, that you feel uncomfortable calling your child a funny name every time is enough reason to find a little compromise, and your options were great. He should stop being ME ME ME and think as a family: Mother, father, child. They all get affected by the name, the child the most.

It isn’t a living memorial for his grandma.” Sheeps_n_Birds

Another User Comments:

“NTJ: when choosing your child’s name, both of you have to agree on this. If one parent is uncomfortable, that’s reason enough to opt out of choosing that name.

Him making it about you being embarrassed by his culture sounds like he’s trying to guilt-trip you into this.

He’s being selfish here and not taking your feelings into consideration, and not only that, he’s not considering how your daughter will feel either. Ultimately, the name should be chosen for her, not for him and you’re very right to suggest she may have problems with it down the line.” Purple-Trouble-5943

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Gamergirl 3 months ago
Ntj but Fanny is not that bad. I was expecting something that literally translated to vagina lol Fanny is a perfectly acceptable name almost anywhere I understand if it has bad connotations to you though
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