People Challenge Our Inner Critic With Their "Am I The Jerk?" Situation
16. AITJ For Not Purchasing A House For My Mom For Her Birthday?
How did he expect his mother would react?
“I am a 30M, my brother is 26, and my parents are divorced (have been for about 12 years). My dad is single and my Mom has been remarried for the past two years. In case anyone asks, I am close with my family (I would say equally so, no favoritism).
I now live overseas and haven’t seen them lately but speak to them a couple of times a week.
About two years ago right around the time of their wedding, I started to make a very good salary, and in the past 8-10 months my company exploded and now I have more savings than I knew what to do with.
Growing up I was lower middle class, but in my late teens my Mom got into a new career and my Dad got a promotion, both got significant raises and earn approx $100-150k a year and are comfortable but not rich by any means (we live in an expensive city).
My Mom owns two properties (one investment – mortgage) and her apartment (owned outright) and my dad owns a house (mortgaged). My brother just finished college and just started a well-paying job but he is renting.
My brother’s and dad’s birthdays are days apart and I decided to buy them properties.
I was going to just pay my dad’s mortgage, but my dad’s house isn’t the best, so I told him to lease it out, and I got him a nicer house in a better suburb, and I bought my brother an apartment downtown.
My mom’s birthday is coming up in a few weeks and my brother asked me if I was buying her a house and told me she thought I would and was excited. I told him I had considered it but didn’t want to due to the fact she was married and it didn’t feel right for me to financially support a man who I am not close to.
They have been together for about 5 years and he is a nice guy, but he earns significantly less than my mom (about one-third). He is not using her for money (they do live in her apartment that she has paid off, they split all bills equally) and I have no animosity towards him, we just never have spent much time together and are not close, so I did not want to support him financially.
I decided to call my mom and tell her how I felt so that she didn’t get her hopes up. I had thought about it and told her that I would really like to buy her a bigger place closer to downtown, but it just didn’t feel right with me to support her husband.
I proposed to her that I am fine buying her the place if he agrees to pay all the bills and stressed that I didn’t want her agreeing but then just paying him back half the finances. She got really upset and said that she and her husband are a package and that they split everything and she didn’t want him feeling like a visitor in what would be their own home.
I understand her perspective, but I didn’t change my mind and will just get her something else for her gift.
So AITJ for not wanting to financially provide for her husband?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I hate using YTJ for anyone over not buying their mother a house, but I don’t think you were fair here.
Did you think this decision wouldn’t cause conflict? You claim to be equally close to everyone. You also put your dad and brother in a bad position because now they likely feel guilty that they got such extravagant gifts. If you had said you were choosing not to buy a house for her because she already has two properties and you would like to get her something else to enjoy, I would have gone NTJ.
But saying it’s because you just don’t want it to benefit her husband sounds so petty, especially since he’s a nice guy by your account. If you were so concerned about the asset going to your mom’s husband, why not have a lawyer draw up a contract and gift her a house with the stipulation that it goes back to you when your mom eventually passes?
Also, the fact that you tried to tell them how they should handle living expenses is audacious – they are a married couple and you have no say in how they decide to split the bills. It’s ultimately your decision, but you’ve set up a big family drama and it’s on you to fix it.” non-omniscient
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it’s your money; you are free to spend it like you want and your mother isn’t entitled to you buying a new home for her. However, if you do not buy her the home, and if you do buy it and put strings attached to it, this is going to damage your relationship with your mother.
She will always feel you love your father more than her. She will feel like she is less than him.
I think I kinda understand what you are trying to say/do here. This is a gift you just want your mother to benefit from but feel her husband will benefit from it too.
In your dad and your brother’s case, they were single and they were the ones who got the full benefit of their new home. This is not the reality of your mother’s life. She has a husband. You want to do something special for just her but if you buy the home he will benefit also.
So let me ask you some questions for you to think about:
1- is your mother’s husband good to her?
2- does he treat her with respect and kindness?
3- does he help around the home and take care of things your mother can not do?
4- if she is sick, does he take care of her? Does he take her to appointments?
If the answer to these questions is yes, then maybe he deserves to benefit from the new home also.
If you and your brother do not have to worry about your mother’s safety because she doesn’t live alone, or if you and your brother do not have to drop everything to go take care of your mother when she is sick or to an appointment, or you or your brother do not have to stop what you’re doing to go fix something then this man is taking care of your mother.
Do you realize how much stress and responsibility he is taking off your and your brother’s shoulders? You should be grateful for this.” Lonely_Shelter_4744
Another User Comments:
“It’s a gift and you can decide whom you want to give what to.
But having said that, I have a bit of trouble with your reasoning and adding conditions to the gift.
How is this your problem? They are a married couple. And how they deal with their finances is between them.
Also, what if your dad finds someone he really likes, but she is not able to afford the expenses or Dad decides he wouldn’t ask her to pay for it?
What would you do? Turn them out of the house or force your dad to break up?
You are making the gift more of a hassle.
It’s somewhere between nobody’s a jerk and gentle YTJ.” BrightSunflower0202
15. AITJ For Kicking Out My Dad For Commenting On My Home Decor?
He can have his opinions, but he needs to learn when to keep quiet.
“I was sure I was right, but then I told some friends who say I’m a jerk and now I want to get an outside opinion.
I’m 35f and have been low contact with my family until this year when my father suddenly said he wants to visit me and see how I live for the first time in all those years. I was nervous about the idea but said yes.
The day of the visit came and my father and his wife arrived at my place, and, as I expected, did not like it at all. They are rich – and I am very much not. They are avid art collectors – my walls are decorated with cheap prints, framed nerd movie posters, and printed photos I took when traveling.
They spend more on an end table than I make in a month. I have never met my father’s expectations ever, not once, and he never approved of anything I ever did or said. So it was no surprise that this visit was just the same.
So. He commented on how my bookshelves are from Ikea when there are so many cheap options to get good used furniture. He ran his finger over my couch and asked if I had been coerced to use that thing? Mix in a lot of derogatory “oh.”-comments and a side eye at my Nintendo Switch, with a side question of if I had any actual hobbies by now?
And then he went into my bedroom, and he decided to be funny about that print of a van Gogh painting I have hanging above my bed, which is when I reached my breaking point and kicked both of them out. It’s the cherry blossom one and I have a print of it that splits the painting up on 3 square canvases.
Nothing great, I know, but I like the colors. My father told me very strenuously that I had really ruined the worth of that painting by cutting it like that, as if he thought it was the original. So funny, right? I replied that sure, I’d give him a call next time I bought a van Gogh first. And he… he just exploded and screamed at me if I had learned nothing from him ever and how stupid I must be to waste a dime on trash instead of investing in cheaper art and building up on that?
Thing is: I’m disabled. I have lived far below the poverty line for most of my adult life. I’m autistic, suffer from complex PTSD from prolonged childhood maltreatment, and have depression and anxiety, and chronic pain too. I finished my university education when I turned 30 and have just held a full-time job with average pay for 2 years now.
My father is well aware of all of this, but still decided to get upset about my cheap decorations. I could not stand that.
I didn’t listen to him screaming about sorting out my finances or anything but kicked him out right at that point and didn’t answer his wife’s calls afterward.
Am I the jerk for kicking my father out and ignoring him and his wife now? My friends say, as he was right in general about investments, this was just his way of showing he cares about me and I overreacted so I’m the jerk here.”
“Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
There’s a big difference between someone offering to help versus someone telling you that they know better (“sorting out -your- finances” when he knows you just got your first “average pay” job a couple of years ago).
What sort of “investments” does he expect you to have?
Or would he just mock you for not having enough of those like he did your lack of sufficiently original artwork?
He is toxic, condescending, cruel, and selfish – sounds like a narcissist to me. He was LC because you didn’t have a job and he didn’t want to deal, and he waltzes back in when you’re independent and he can then hold up ANOTHER bar for you to try to meet – not having a sophisticated investment strategy, good grief, he is ridiculous.
Only thing to do is go LC or NC.” Straight-Singer-2912
Another User Comments:
“Your first issue was letting him into your home after a long hiatus – you should have met him for lunch, at a coffee shop, or some other public place where the focus could have been on conversation as opposed to judgment.
Going forward, should you choose to meet up again, meet in a public place.
I am a firm believer in Yankee thrift, so much of my home decor is bought at yard sales, junk shops, antique/vintage shops, and even “free on the side of the road.” But I understand that’s something of a generational thing – my friends’ kids would rather buy something at Ikea than the local swap meet.
The best thing about your place is that it’s YOURS! It’s things you chose because they served a purpose or spoke to you in some way.
You’ve done amazing completing college and starting to build a career. Keep up the good work and go do something that makes you happy.
Go to the library, buy your favorite splurge hot or cold drink, walk in the park, visit a museum, call a friend you haven’t spoken with in a while, take your camera out & take pictures of happy things – do what gives you joy.” 2dogslife
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Some people raised by normal parents just cannot conceive that there are parents that are genuinely crappy, toxic, and abusive people. So they react with horror to people setting sensible boundaries with the human equivalent of nuclear waste. “How could you turn your back on your family?
Don’t you realize that they love you and want the best for you?” This is, of course, bullcrap. Sometimes family hates you and wants to destroy you.
You did exactly the right thing. Your friends are being blind. He was just looking for a punching bag and you refused to be his target.
Proud of you! Sounds like it’s time to block his butt again and tell your friends to pipe down with their ignorant opinions. Hope you manage to get some kind of inheritance when he finally kicks the bucket!” alizarincrimson
14. AITJ For Telling My Mom She Won't Be Meeting My Child Due To Her Opinions?
“I (24f) was born with significant hearing loss. I’ve been using sign since I was about 8 after losing the remainder of my hearing in a short period of time. I’ve never mourned it or anything, and I’ve never felt too different from anyone else just because I can’t hear like they can.
I think it helps that my brother Aden (18m) is autistic, and though it’s obviously not the same as being deaf, we always bonded over the fact that people tended to underestimate what we were capable of due to things about ourselves that we can’t change/control.
He gets nonverbal sometimes, so it helps even more that he can sign to me when he needs to say something but physically can’t.
My partner J (25nb) and I found out a few months ago that I’m pregnant, and though it wasn’t expected, we’re both really happy about it.
We live in our own home, have stable jobs, degrees, etc. so it’s not as though we’d be depending on our families for anything the baby might need. J and I decided to plan a dinner at a local restaurant to tell my mom and brother that we were expecting.
When I told my family the news, my brother was immediately happy for both of us, and he said he couldn’t wait to be an uncle, but my mom looked sort of upset.
She asked if the doctors said whether or not our baby would be deaf too, or if I had considered how hard my child’s life would be if they turned out to not be deaf at all while their mother was.
I told her that the baby being deaf wouldn’t be an issue, because J and I both know sign, and I already know what it’s like to be a deaf kid so it’s not as though our child would have no guidance.
I also said that if they weren’t deaf, that would be okay too, because J can hear just fine and my child would consider it normal to have a hearing parent and a nonhearing one. This didn’t really seem to satisfy her, and she insisted that I was being selfish by possibly bringing a child into the world knowing their life was going to be difficult either because they would inherit a disability from me, or they would be stunted by my disability in general. So she felt I just shouldn’t have children at all.
I went off and told her that my life choices weren’t any of her business anymore, that it was awful of her to say that I shouldn’t have kids just because I can’t hear, and that if she really felt that way then she never had to meet my child at all.
J and I left the restaurant, and later that night my brother texted me saying our mom was a total wreck after dinner. She was crying and going on and on about how unfair and selfish I was to threaten to take her grandchild away from her.
J and I talked about it, and they agree with me, but they think it was a little harsh for me to just immediately dismiss my mother’s feelings even if they are irrational.
Am I overthinking this or was I really being a jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ 100%.
Being able to have children is a universal human right. There is a long and ugly history of preventing people with disabilities from having children to try to squash out differences that people deemed undesirable. Your mom’s attitude harkens back to some of the history of eugenics.
Deaf people can and do live fulfilling lives, and the possibility of having a deaf child is not a reason to not have children. I imagine your child will learn to sign no matter what since you do. That is a wonderful thing! In particular, because children can use sign language before they can use verbal language, your child will likely be able to communicate with you and your partner with language at a younger age than many children can use language to communicate with their parents.
Furthermore, being raised bilingual (i.e., sign language and English) is good for language development. Whether your future child is hearing or deaf, I imagine that they will be fortunate to grow up as who they are in a household with the two of you as parents.
Congratulations on your pregnancy and your growing family!” jogam
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I want to start by saying I am not comparing you to anyone else in terms of your disability, I work in disability services I see parents underestimate their children all the time in terms of what their adult lives look like.
It’s not right but it happens mostly from fear as no parent wants to see their child struggle. With your mom, she watched you and your brother struggle and now I am sure she worries for her grandchild. That doesn’t make it right but I am just sharing what I see.
With that being said even if you had no disabilities yourself in your family and were the healthiest person on earth there is no guarantee your child won’t face something hard that is just how life goes. You are right you have the skills to help a child through anything they will face and just like we all try to do love our kids through their ups and downs.
My suggestion is to take a few days to calm down then write a letter to your mom with all your thoughts including what it will take to be part of your family’s life. At the end of the letter tell her you want her to take 3 days (or whatever works for you) to think and that after that three days maybe you can talk or text or whatever you are comfortable with.
Writing the letter initially allows you to take time and really craft what you want to say.” AdEmbarrassed8902
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your mother is unbelievably cruel and ableist.
If anything, your child might actually have some very cool opportunities to learn! There are tons of people around them that could teach them verbal communication if they happen to be able to hear.
Meanwhile, you can raise the new baby to be fluent in sign! Sign language opens up a surprising amount of doors for people that can use it.
I know it’s… dumb and very capitalistic of me to say this, but as someone that’s been shriveling in corporate heck, having multiple languages on your résumé (ASL and English would be two different languages) is usually viewed very positively.
As someone with an abusive but verbal mother, I can tell you right now that I would have traded anything to have a mother that loved and wanted me. You already sound like you love this child and all the potential ups and downs that come with it.
Even if there are “bumps in the road”… it sounds like you’ll be a wonderful mother. I don’t think your lack of hearing will get in the way of your child’s life and success.” GreenStrawbebby
13. AITJ For Going Against My Parents' Strict Rules?
“I’m a 22F and I have overly protective and strict parents. I was never allowed to go to birthday parties.
They wouldn’t let me join any after-school clubs. They controlled the way that I dress and do my hair. Because of this, I moved out at 18 as soon as I could as I was tired of their unreasonable rules. The tenancy for my most recent flat ran out two weeks ago and it’s been a struggle to find somewhere to rent.
I had too many issues with my previous landlord and although the property was nice, I couldn’t continue to live there. My plan was to live with one of my friends until I found somewhere else but my parents convinced me to move back home.
They’re getting older now and are both in their 60s so I want to make the most of the time I have left with them.
But with the rules they have it’s becoming increasingly difficult. Once I moved back home they gave me a set of rules.
No coming home after 11 pm. No staying over at friends’ houses. No short or revealing clothes and no colored hair. No drinking. I can’t believe that I’m in my 20s and still being told what to do.
I ignored these rules of course because I work part-time in a bar and part-time at a hotel.
So how would it logically make sense for me to not be able to come back home after 11 pm when most of my shifts end around 5 in the morning? My mom is an A&E nurse, so I just started timing my shifts around her schedule so she wouldn’t notice.
This was all going well until last week. My shift ended early so my friends and I had some drinks after my shift. Because I was quite intoxicated, I stayed over at one of my friends’ places until I was sober again. I ended up with a really bad hangover and slept from 7 am until 6 pm.
I woke up to 15 missed calls and 3 voice notes insulting me. My mum told me I am the reason she has high blood pressure and that I’m going to kill her because I’m ignoring her rules. I quickly booked an Uber back home and tried to explain the situation to her but she didn’t want to hear me and gave me the silent treatment until the next day.
I then apologized to her again and she told me all was forgiven. Until Monday morning. One of my friends is going through a terrible break up so I had a sleepover at hers for a couple of days. Since I’ve been gone I’ve been getting angry voice notes and phone calls from both my mum and dad calling me a terrible person.
I want to go back home but I’m scared of dealing with their anger. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. But only to yourself.
Wow. They are in their sixties and ‘they are growing older so you want to make the most of the time you have with them’?
They could easily live until you are 40 or 50 years old. What are you going to do, put your life on hold until they pass away?
Don’t be afraid of moving out. Everyone struggles in the beginning, but for most of us, this is the only way to become an adult.” Jocelyn-1973
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to reserve judgment because I can understand the guilt and obligation that you probably feel, but I really think that you and your choices are doing yourself a disservice. Technically, you’re living under their roof, and while you do so, they can make whatever rules they want, and this is something that you knew going into it.
In a healthy household dynamic, your parents would recognize that you are an adult and that it isn’t their position to police you anymore, but you don’t have a healthy family dynamic. Your parents are never going to change, so at the end of the day, the only person keeping you in this situation is you – you made the choice to move back in with them and to continue living with them.
I was in your position a year ago, not living situation-wise but emotionally, so I understand the thought process that you’re going through. If you haven’t, I would recommend getting a good therapist because I think you need to unpack the reasons why you decided to move back in with them in the first place.
I think that kids from dysfunctional families always hold hope that their parents will change, but the reality is that this is in almost all situations an unrealistic and futile hope. Good luck and get out ASAP.” burnt—–toast
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But for god’s sake grow a spine.
Don’t ask them if you should move out. TELL them you will move out unless they start treating you as an adult. And that you will be coming home after 11 pm on occasion, you will be staying over at friends’ houses at times, you will wear what YOU feel is appropriate and also color your hair if you choose to, and that you drink sometimes.
And if they give you a bad time about it you will move out. I would have laughed in their faces had they given me those rules and shut it down from the get-go.” gloryhokinetic
12. AITJ For Wanting My Fair Share Of The Inheritance?
“My grandma passed a long time ago and she left some money and items for people. All of which went to who they belonged. Apparently, she had a property, and it went into probate since no one claimed it. My sister offered to our mom and me that I can have my mom’s life insurance when she passes if my sister can have the probate.
I said that’s fine with me. Because I didn’t know what a probate was at the time. The reason my mom didn’t try claiming it was because she had some debt, and if she did, the debtors could claim the estate.
When my mom passed, I got around 10k.
After the funeral and everything, I was left with 5k. I used it to get a car since I didn’t have one at the time and a new phone since my old one broke. I was thankful to my sister for allowing me to keep the inheritance.
Fast-forward to about a year ago. She has been going back and forth with a lawyer to get all the probate stuff going. She had wanted to do it herself, so she could keep it all. But before she could, a cousin started the probate and because they did that, it would be split amongst the four closest relatives.
Which is my sister, me, that cousin, and another cousin. I found out how much my sister was going to get and keep on her own. She would have taken up to 70k all for herself. But now it’s split between the four of us, and the lawyer who is getting a bigger chunk than all of us.
Which is fine. But she still wants my portion of it which is about 10k. I really feel like this isn’t all that fair either since the lawyer said I didn’t have to give her anything. Despite how I felt, I was still going to give her all of it because this would just lead to more drama.
But then after talking with my therapist and going over all the maltreatment I had suffered because of her and realizing my life would be better without her in it, I decided maybe I will take it and just be happy without her. I can go forever without talking to her and still be happy…
I want to get married to my lovely partner of 3 years and I asked my sister if I could keep enough finances for a ring. She flipped out and said absolutely not. I said maybe we can split the inheritance, and I just take 5k.
She said no; it is all hers. So finally I asked if I could just get the ring with it. And she offered me 2k. So the options I’m presented with are minimal.
Am I the jerk? Should I give her all the inheritance? Or should I treat her the way she would have treated me and give her 2k?
Or should I acknowledge all the maltreatment and threats and years of making me sleep on the floor and give her nothing because she isn’t going to be in my life after this is over anyway?”
Another User Comments:
“You got 5k from Mom (funeral costs should not count).
Between the two of you, there is 20k in probate. This means there was 25k worth of inheritance. Each should get 12.5 k. Give 2.5k and you’re both even.
Or give her 0 because she keeps trying to take advantage of you.” pistacio814sb
Another User Comments:
“Will the inheritance be sent to you? Or do you have to pick it up? Do you have to rely on getting it from your sister? Contact a lawyer and make sure they know not to give it to your sister! Period. Block her.
- She was going to keep it all.
- She is manipulative.
- She is toxic!
- Do not reward her for this behavior.
You asked for 2k out of 10k and she gets mad? Come on.
Walk away. Get the inheritance. Block her.
Contact a lawyer and make sure you get paid directly. If not sure of lawyer info ask other cousins.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Is she trying to guilt the cousins into giving her their portions as well?!
If I were you, I’d calculate the cost of the funeral and the amount you are receiving in total, and then make sure you and your sister are each receiving the exact same amount in the end.
That way you’re being fair and you can sleep at night.” MeadowEstelle
11. AITJ For Kicking Out My Friend's Partner?
“My friends and I play board games on Saturday, we have a few drinks, order some takeout and play games and chill.
I have the biggest house so it often ends up being at my house and it’s not unusual for people to invite their partners or friends (they always ask if that’s okay). Last Saturday, my friend, Kai (m28) brought his new partner to join us, Fiona (f, no idea how old she is but around mid-20s).
She seemed to dislike me before we were even introduced. She kept giving me the stink eye the minute she entered my house. I ignored it. But she kept making little jabs, whether it was my hair, my clothes, my work, my books, or my furniture.
There was always something she disapproved of. At one point, she criticized my book selection because I had romance and horror on the same shelf. I let it slide and laughed it off.
At one point, I run out of booze and decide to go to the corner shop and grab some more, a few other people joined me and a bunch stayed. I trust my friends, it’s never been an issue to leave them.
When I came back, most people were chilling in the garden but Kai and Fiona were sitting in front of my TV, scrolling through my private music playlist and Fiona criticized absolutely everything on the list. And when she saw me, she said “I should’ve known you were a poser” and she laughed. (I used to be really into goth fashion when I was young and my style remained but matured and mellowed out a bit, and while I listen to metal and dark wave mostly, I’m not ashamed that I also listen to Taylor Swift or some Spanish pop, but it seems Fiona didn’t like that).
I told Fiona that she was incredibly rude all night and to get the heck out of my house. With a fake, sweet voice, she accused me of not being able to handle the truth and told me to stop begging for attention with the way I look.
I had no patience for that and told Kai to take her and leave and that she was no longer welcome.
Later, Kai messaged me telling me what a jerk I was and that I should’ve been more understanding as Fiona was so overwhelmed that she got a bit jealous of me because apparently, she heard him say I was cute (Kai and I are nothing but friends).
I told him it wasn’t my problem and she was rude to me all night.
I thought we were done with this but Kai won’t let it go, he keeps messaging me, asking me to apologize to her. Fiona also somehow got my number and she started messaging me, telling me how self-centered I am and that I should grow a thicker skin.
I’m confused now, was I really in the wrong for kicking her out? AITJ for that?”
Another User Comments:
“Kai, I think it’s best if we ended our friendship. It has become clear to me that you are no longer the person you used to be and I no longer think we are friendship compatible.
I wish you nothing but the best, but this is where we go our separate ways.
Inform mutual friends. Tell them you understand if this creates problems and you wish there was a healthier and more mature way to handle the Fiona problem but that you’re moving on from Kai and don’t plan to remain friends with him.
But I have a sneaking suspicion a lot of people will eventually grow tired of Fiona as well. So this should sort itself out shortly. If not, find new friends.
NTJ.” The__Riker__Maneuver
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She was rude and insulting and totally out of line.
You were being hospitable and gave her a lot of chances to be polite after she continued to insult you.
You don’t have to spend time with ANYONE who demeans and insults you. Who cares if she’s jealous or overwhelmed, that’s for her to deal with, but no matter what she’s feeling, she is still responsible for how she treats people.
If they don’t like it, they won’t spend time with her. Like now!
Tough luck, Fiona. Shoulda been nicer. Maybe you will next time.” molotovmerkin
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have absolutely nothing to apologize to Fiona for but she owes you a HUGE apology.
Only a jerk criticizes their host and their host’s home, especially when she was meeting you for the first time. It does sound like Fiona is extremely insecure in regard to her relationship with Kai, in light of your friendship with Kai.
I suggest you tell Kai that you aren’t going to apologize to his jerk partner, and if he can’t get Fiona to at the least leave you alone and stop texting and calling you, he will no longer be welcomed back either.” voluntold9276
10. AITJ For Not Putting A Leash On My Dog?
“My dog is very huge and very docile.
Recently, though, he has been “finding his bark” – meaning, he used to not make a sound and now he is starting to bark both inside and outside the house. I don’t want him to bark at strangers, especially when he is not wearing a leash – I know it can be scary.
For so, I’m studying ways to teach him better reactions since I’m pretty sure that the barking comes from fear. But it is a long process and I’m not sure what triggers him yet.
Anyway, we were there at around 3 pm on a Thursday – the park was mostly empty.
He pooped and, here is what I consider my error, I was wearing headphones (not the ones that isolate sound). While I’m picking his poop off the floor I hear a man shouting at me. Well, my dog was barking at him while keeping some distance – he was around 3/4 meters away from the man.
I took off my headphones while calling my dog and he immediately came and sat next to me. I placed my hand on his collar to hold him in place but he wasn’t trying to go anywhere anymore. The guy was screaming nonstop while this was happening, mostly for me to put a leash “on my freaking dog.” I tried to calm myself down and told him I was sorry for scaring him and that he doesn’t bite (he doesn’t, never has, and he doesn’t get close to the people he barks to).
But there was no room to talk, he just kept screaming the same order, repeatedly. I said that I wasn’t going to obey someone who was screaming at me – the dog was already calm and I was holding him by the collar. He continued screaming and said he was going to call the police – I said ok.
Normally when he barks I call him, make him sit, and put him on the leash while apologizing and explaining the situation. Mostly, people are ok with it and sometimes they even help out with positive reinforcements. But, I have to say, most times I’m already paying attention and I control him way faster – I estimate my dog was already barking for around 5 seconds this time.
What kept me from putting on the leash was the way the man was addressing me. He went away to call the police and I was like, “screw this” and left – taking the opposite side. So, I know I was wrong. I’m never going to put headphones on while walking with him unleashed again – the situation was my fault.
I’ve also tried some new stuff: I stroll with him around parks before unleashing him. I also ask people crossing my way if they’ve seen anyone coming from the path I’m heading. I also strongly believe that the man’s reaction comes from a place of fear.
However, I cannot shake the feeling that he also wanted to exercise some power and that putting on the leash would not stop him from screaming – which I don’t accept.
So, internet, AITJ? I would appreciate insights. I know I could have acted much better than I did.
I just want my dog to have a good time out, wearing his leash the least possible – and maybe we are not there yet.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
I lived overseas where there were little to no leash laws. I had very well-trained dogs.
They WERE ALWAYS on their leashes in parks because they were dogs. You never know what unpredictable situation you’ll enter with dogs until after it happens. That control can be vital to saving injuries & lives. You cannot predict an emergency situation. Just like this one where your dog is loudly barking & a stranger is yelling.
In the future, your dog can flashback to this pattern & you’ll be fighting to maintain control of a large 4-legged animal with a lower center of gravity just by keeping hold of the collar. That’s a recipe for disaster.
Wait until it’s a 4-year-old kid with a piercing scream that hurts your dog’s hearing & scrambles the brain.
Leash your dog with a good leash and never rely on the extending leads for actual control.
Leashes don’t have to be heavy items. I used a head harness & a thin velvet line hooked to a belt loop w one of my dogs. But that’s after she was a mature 4-year-old adult.
Your dog is “discovering his bark” …. that says he’s young. 8-18 months old, perhaps? This is the time when experiences shape a dog’s personality. He now has a stranger yelling at the both of you in the night … in his memory.
He needs positive experiences while you need realistic expectations.
Keep him on a leash for his safety, especially since you say he’s extremely large. Public perception does matter and you’ll maintain control over the situation.
You want time off leash? Take him out of the urban into the countryside.” SeraEck
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Put a leash on your gosh darn dog. You know that at least half the people that are going to freak out on you are doing it because of fear, likely from witnessing or being involved in a dog attack. I’ve been bitten in the face.
I have a permanent scar and a fear of large dogs. Especially strange large dogs. I don’t care how docile your dog is or how well he comes to you. I don’t know your dog. You don’t know that I have a history. Presume the worst at all times and tbh, you’re doing yourself and your dog a disservice.
You have a leash law. It’s for a reason.
It’s like dummies that have a few drinks and then drive. “But I’ve never been in an accident before. It’ll be fine.” Do you know how many dog owners of dogs that have seriously attacked a person or pet always use the ‘But he’s never bitten before!’ as an excuse?
All of them. All it takes is one time. Stop putting yourself, your dog, and everyone around you at risk for something you literally can avoid by following the gosh darn law in your area.” DNRmyDNA
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, and a dangerous, ill-informed one.
Let me cut to the chase: I guarantee you something bad, maybe really bad, will happen if you continue to rake your dog out without a leash, except in designated leash-free areas. 100%
Was the guy who yelled at you a jerk? Yeah, but he “barks” cause he’s scared. You reacted like a 2-yo and refused to leash your dog bc he yelled at you.
Boo effin hoo. So what could happen? Let me break it down.
Great. Your dog doesn’t bite…until it does. But it didn’t use to bark and now it does “out of fear.” Fear is the most common reason for a dog biting.
But it’s not about YOU and your dog. Countless times I’ve been walking my small, leashed dogs and had a large, unleashed dog come bounding over and the owner says “It’s ok. He’s friendly.” Well, mine are not! Especially to big dogs that come running at them.
And then what happens? They get ready to rumble, your “friendly” dog reacts in kind, and my leashed dogs and I end up at the ER because some arrogant doofus thought his dog was well-trained and didn’t need to be leashed.
After that? Police, animal control.
You know what else? Lawyers. You did not have control of your dog so you are liable for every penny I have to spend. My insurance company can then come after you. Your landlord or HOA can be notified and you can be evicted.
Benefit: risk.
Benefit? You can be a jerk and not leash your dog. Risk? A person, child, or another animal could be badly injured, your dog gets taken away, you’re sued, and you get evicted.
Is it that hard a decision? Have you seen a dogfight where 1 is unleashed and the other(s) are leashed?
Not pretty. And your dog can be friendly as all get out but other dogs are not, and you have zero control.
Put the effin leash on. Yes. YTJ.” Next_Emotion_2148
9. AITJ For Refusing To Repay My Roommate For My Dog's Vet Bills?
“I (24F) recently went on a Vegas trip. I asked my roomie (23F) before I left if she could watch my pets, and she had no issue with it.
When my return flight landed, I got a text saying my dog was being rushed to the ER with no further context. I called her and was thrown off by how calm she seemed about it all. The only info she’d given me was the text saying my dog was in the ER.
I asked what happened & if my dog (I’ll call her P) was okay. She was confused that I even asked. All the info I could get was that her partner (23M) brought his dog over, they left for dinner, & came home to blood everywhere.
She just kept carelessly saying that she didn’t know what happened & P was fine. Frustrated with how nonchalant she seemed, I asked for the vet info so I could call & get more details.
The vet said P was in surgery. Her ear had been severed at the base & required stitches, she lost teeth, & she had multiple drainage tubes in her head.
They said that they would call me back in the am w/more info. I didn’t hear from my roomie until the next day. I asked that her partner & his dog be gone by the time I got home so I could process everything.
She said neither of them would be there bc they had weekend plans. I’m still trying to get home. They picked the dogs up from the vet but didn’t tell me they were doing so. They refused to take accountability for what happened and saw it as a freak accident.
I understand the dogs have never fought before, but it’s well known that P doesn’t like energetic dogs, which is how her man’s dog is. Obvi it was a mistake. I don’t blame him, but he’s responsible. It’s common knowledge to dog owners not to leave a dog unattended with another dog they aren’t used to.
Neither have addressed this, apologized, or checked to see how P is doing.
The first thing she asked when I got back was to pay her back for P’s $1,200 vet bills. After further thought, I said her partner needs to pay her back since it was his dog that caused it all.
I said I don’t blame anyone for what happened & that it was an accident. I’m not upset that it happened; I’m upset at how it’s been handled. She disagreed & her man has been rude to me about this since. They say P is my dog so my responsibility to pay.
She claims because I didn’t tell them not to leave the dogs alone together, it’s just as much my fault as anyone else’s. I wasn’t aware her partner and his dog would be staying there all week, so why am I responsible for what he does with his dog?
It’s something that could’ve been avoided had they just taken a small extra step of caution. It shouldn’t take dogs fighting to realize it’s not a good idea to leave territorial animals unsupervised. He wants me to meet him for a “conversation” so he can explain why he won’t pay for it and how he isn’t responsible for what happened. I thought about negotiating and offering to split the bill, but with how they’ve handled everything, I don’t feel I owe them a dime.
So, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They created a situation that caused injury to your pet, then the bill to cover the injury is theirs. I think if anything there is likely to be further follow-up bills from additional vet visits and they need to pay for that.
How much longer is the lease you two share because I think you need to not live with this person who cares nothing for you or your pets and expects to be repaid for things they cause. If you are not on the lease I would leave, if she is not on there then I would send them packing.
If you are both on there I would speak to the landlord about intending the move-out and if they will allow you to break your portion of the lease and what penalty you may have with that if any. Depending on where it all stands you may be stuck for a while, but if you have an out, take it.” tharpenau
Another User Comments:
“Do not have any conversations in person, via phone, or via text that you will pay half. You do not need to pay, nor should you make any promises to pay a cent.
His dog appears to have attacked your dog. They chose to leave two dogs alone that shouldn’t have been left alone.
Your dog was injured as a direct result of their negligence.
You can easily contact animal control to file a complaint against him and the injury your dog sustained by his dog. However, that is your choice but I hate the thought of his dog being potentially punished for their negligence.
This was their fault. They should have known better. They should have been responsible.
Based on the circumstances and the injuries sustained, no Judge would award them attorneys fees or issue a Judgment against you. The Judge, however, will likely issue a Judgement against them for emotional damages you sustained and future veterinarian costs for your dog that are in relation to the injuries sustained.
Best of luck, and I hope your dog has a speedy recovery.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, if my dog attacked another dog, I would have no issues paying for the other dog’s vet bills. My dog is my responsibility and a huge part of that is making sure they aren’t a danger to anyone or any other animals.
This could’ve been so easily avoided by them putting the dogs in two separate rooms if it was really unavoidable for him to bring his dog. I’m so sorry this happened to your baby. I’m not sure what your lease situation is like, but I would start looking for other living arrangements if I were you.
This guy seems like a major jerk, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he retaliated for you not paying him back. If he hit your parked car when you were gone because you left it parked in your driveway, would it be reasonable for you to pay to fix his bumper?” Bubbly_Muffin3543
8. AITJ For Being The Reason My Neighbors Got Evicted?
“My (21-year-old female) significant other (25-year-old male) and I moved into our second apartment in the same complex in March of 2022. We loved the complex we lived in, we just needed to downsize to a one-bedroom. We’d never had issues before until we moved into our newest apartment.
We love our landlords and our other neighbors. We live on the top floor of 3 levels and my downstairs neighbor has a child who seems to be around the ages of pre-k to kindergarten age. Ever since we moved in we’ve had issues. We can hear them yell and stomp from upstairs over our television and cooking.
I work from home, do college from home, and all of the above. I have to put headphones in to concentrate in my own apartment. I’ve left multiple notes on their door telling them I shouldn’t have to put headphones on in my own home to study or work.
They never stopped being loud, and I feel as if they got louder so we texted our landlord about 1-2 months in. Nothing changed.
Another month and multiple notes later threatening them that I will be contacting the landlord again… nothing changed. So I yet again contacted the landlord with almost the same exact message.
Nothing changed.
My partner and I were thinking about moving out ourselves because it was ridiculous, but why should we have to move out over someone else’s behavior? Another month goes by and I swear it was the worst I’ve ever heard it.
Around 10-11 pm at night, I hear their kid banging on the wall so hard we can feel the apartment shake. The child was screaming at the top of their lungs saying “mommy” for AT LEAST 45 minutes if not longer. I have audio proof. When they yell, it is so clear that the couple is being unfaithful to each other and their son does not have any boundaries or consequences.
Further once more, I left one more note before heading to the landlord with my audio proof. I got to talk to people who lived on the bottom floor which is below the loud ones. The people on the ground floor are special needs and thought it was normal!
I felt so bad. That’s when I ripped one last note on the door that follows: “Your upstairs neighbor can hear you yelling and stomping from upstairs. I have to put headphones in to work and study. Your downstairs neighbors are special needs, and they’ve been putting up with it for the longest time.
We are sick of you all trying to do nothing to lower your volume, and I hope this next message I send to the landlord gets you evicted.” I sent the landlord our last and final message. Told them we are threatening to move out if it doesn’t get fixed or resolved.
Come 2 weeks later, I see them moving out of their apartment and a nasty note on our door saying: “You really like ruining people’s lives! You ungrateful witch! Karma will come back to haunt you!” It’s been the most peaceful 2 weeks of my life, but part of me also can’t help to feel bad.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. And your ex-neighbors should know about Karma coming back to haunt. They were jerks for months and got evicted. THAT’s Karma. Make someone else’s home unlivable and you lose yours.
I heard my neighbor’s kid screaming “mommy” over and over again late one night, so I called the police.
Turned out that mom was so intoxicated she could barely function, so the police and CPS got to sort it out. Just for future reference, a police report can go a long way toward getting the landlord’s attention.
I think you’ve got some good Karma headed your way.
At worst, you are Karma-neutral in this situation. You have some vulnerable adults for neighbors living on the first floor who can now enjoy some peace, too.” alc2757
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but having had a child with mental health issues, and having been that upstairs parent can say this: complaining about the noise of kids who live above you could be considered a first-world problem.
You do not know the facts of the situation–neglect, perhaps developmental issues, etc. So perhaps it really isn’t something that can be fixed simply.
I feel like complaints about kids are not unlike complaints about animals. If this were a newborn crying at all hours would you still complain?
If landlords look at renters with kids as a problem then that is discriminatory and not allowed.
Like I said, I had a similar situation. We lived on the 2nd and 3rd floors of an old home. The 1st-floor neighbors complained about the noise of our child.
Mind you I did not make complaints about their loud TV, computer, bedroom time, or smoking under my kid’s window. Perhaps I should have, but these are the things people encounter when living in a shared space. And sometimes it’s unavoidable.” plickjunel
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and I’m glad they’re gone, but unless it’s happening during your town’s quiet hours, I don’t think you can demand quiet to study in peace unfortunately (apartment dweller who wishes that people were more respectful but knows that they can make as much noise as they want between 7 am and 11 pm).” sarahfm80
7. AITJ For Wanting To Charge My Roommate Higher Rent?
“6 months ago, my friend K moved back home from out of state. My husband, K and I are all close so my husband and I were happy to let K stay with us. We are renting a house that we are in the process of trying to buy.
We have 2 spare bedrooms and no children. When K moved back home, my husband forfeited his “man cave” so K would have his own space. There has never been any discussion about how long K will be staying and that’s fine.
Prior to K moving in, we told him rent would be between $300-400 per month.
K offered to put the internet in his name as well and pay for it because he uses it the most and we pay for all the other utilities. Once K found a job, rent was set to $350.
Understandably, our electric bill has gone up since K moved in (almost $100/month).
K frequently forgets to turn off the light in the basement when he does laundry so it stays on for several hours until someone notices. My husband put a sign next to the door reminding K to turn off the light when he leaves the basement but it has not helped.
Our grocery bill has gone up as well. While K does buy his own snacks, he doesn’t contribute to any actual meals, i.e. the pricier stuff like produce and meats, nor does he buy toilet paper, paper towels, napkins, etc.
I was talking to my sister and she said that K should either pay for the internet or contribute towards the electric.
I decided to ask K about it over the weekend.
I didn’t run the idea by my husband first because I handle ALL of our finances such as budgeting, paying bills, and collecting rent from K each month. I brought up my proposal to K and he agreed that he should contribute more.
However, he wants to start in 2-3 months. My husband immediately jumped in and said this was fine. I didn’t want to ruin the night, so I let it drop.
K works full-time and makes decent pay. His car will be paid off this month and aside from his car insurance, phone, and rent, I am not sure what other bills he has.
Regardless, I think it is a little unfair of him to expect us to wait 2-3 months so he can get his finances in a cushy position. He knows finances are tight as we are saving to buy the house. I do not expect K to help in any way towards buying the house since he will not be on the mortgage or deed, but he will still benefit from it because we are not going to ask him to move out, which means he doesn’t need to worry about finding a roommate or apartment.
My husband thinks that we shouldn’t ask K for any more money since he already pays $350/month for “a bedroom”. But if he had to find a different place to stay, even a 1BD apartment would be over $350, plus internet, electric, groceries, laundromat, etc.
All I am asking for is an extra $100/month to offset the increased expenses. I don’t think it’s fair to ask us to pinch pennies for 2-3 more months until he is “ready”. He is an adult, not some young kid just starting out and trying to get on his feet.
I feel like we are being taken advantage of but my husband disagrees. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for wanting to hike up his rent with no notice. It’s kind of atypical that you guys are feeding him meals without factoring that into his rent already or asking for him to split the grocery bill.
That’s not what most people expect of a live-in renter situation. When I stayed with friends for a few months when I moved to a new city, I split the cost of groceries with them and bought my own special items I wanted for just myself.
What was the expectation for groceries when he moved in? If the expectation was always that he would be eating your food, then why wasn’t that taken into account when setting his rent payment?
In regards to the light, if you use LED bulbs, which you can get for cheap at any big box store, then the basement light being left on occasionally should have a negligible impact on your electric bill.
If you are not using LED bulbs, why not? That will save you money all around.
This sounds like a classic case of not setting expectations correctly before having someone move in. You also don’t know his whole financial situation so it’s not fair to assume he has the money to pay an extra $100 right now.
Even if he does, a rent increase with no notice is not cool, probably even illegal (if he signed a lease with you guys—otherwise it’s just a common courtesy issue).” 1cecream4breakfast
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Because you’re in charge of ALL finance stuff for your household.
And you went into the situation without thinking it through. In what world does rent include food? You set that precedent. And you could’ve predicted that the electric would go up, right? And now you seem to be over-involved with this guy’s contributions to the household.
It’s not your business what he does with these finances or how much he makes. Your job is to decide the appropriate remuneration for living in a room in your house. And then charge it.
And leaving him notes? In my world that’s never a good strategy.
Just talk to him. And while it’s appropriate he pay more? You agreed that two or three months was OK. So if you take it back now? You’re just stirring up drama. It doesn’t sound to me like you want this guy in your house.
Which is fine. But figure it out before you strain these relationships further.” dekebasswood
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He sounds like a mooch if he can’t even help with or provide his own groceries for his meals or toilet paper for his own butt. Stop letting him eat meals with you or use toilet paper or paper towels until he decides he is ready to help contribute.
He is paying for his room but it’s not a bed and breakfast where you have to provide him with meals as well. He is not your dependent, you do not need to provide for him… especially if you are having to pinch pennies to do so.” Duck_Secure
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Maybe do give him a bit of advance notice but this is not even about increasing his rent, it is about having him pay 1/3 of the utilities and 1/3 of the groceries, which can be part of his rent. In comments, you did say he agreed to pay for his own groceries but is not doing so (hence eating your meals).
As for the utilities, there was an agreement that he will pay for the internet fully and leave the other utilities to you. But it is fair to calculate if that makes sense now that you have seen what the bills are like. So if it was agreed that the utilities are not part of the rent, I think it is fair to ask him to start contributing more to those right away.
If they are part of the rent, then maybe give him a couple of months.” angsty_pika
6. AITJ For Hiring A Lawyer Against My Parents?
“I was very close with my grandpa growing up and spent a lot of time with him.
He died when I was 19 and a few years later I was looking at pieces of property I thought I could afford an acre or two. I had over 30k saved up by the time I was 21.
Between my parents and me, I decided to purchase a piece of property from them that they got from his estate as part of their inheritance along with another property as well.
My mom wanted some type of a down payment so she asked how much money I had.
I told her and she said well give me 30k. I gave my mom the down payment and made payments for the next 6/7 years like you would pay for a mortgage. I started off giving her 1000 a month and increased as I got better jobs.
Last year I was giving her 2500 a month.
Last year someone stole from the property (ie a large bulldozer). I told my parents I wanted the property in my name after paying for it for six/seven years. I said I’d pay the remainder that I owed against the property.
My mom wouldn’t tell me how much I had paid her over the years, then she told me “oh it was x amount until we added on the excavator” which my dad decided he wanted to buy an excavator for working out at my property but I didn’t get to find out I was paying for at least half of it until he purchased it like a year later.
I don’t recall exactly but I think it was like 69 grand is what she said I had paid to her at the time but it seemed quite low to me especially now in hindsight. I went into the bank and got bank statements of every cheque I had given my mom over the past several years and it added up to 113,000$ which was over 90% of what I agreed to pay for the property.
I told them that’s what I had paid to them both separately and my dad said “well you realize that property is worth a heck of a lot more than 125,000$ and I can sell it for a lot more than that, you’re just entitled like all kids nowadays just jealous of what their parents have, don’t worry about it either the property will end up in your name or you’ll get your funds back.”
My mom said after I accused them of stealing from me “Well you realize I didn’t get anything after my dad died… just those two properties and the 30k you gave me is long gone.” Then said “well we can’t put the property in your name it needs to stay in the family, you don’t have a will or anything, what happens if you died in a car crash or something.”
Long story short the majority of people I talked to about it just said to try and just get my money back from them and let them sell it or whatever. I didn’t want the property to be sold after I’d worked there cleaning it up for years.
So I moved about 15 hours away and went no contact. I got a lawyer, after about four months with a lawyer they decided to sign the paperwork to put the property in my name.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your parents tried to rob you blind and your mom openly admitted to trying to defraud you.
Should have your lawyer look at your Grandpa’s will to make sure your parents didn’t do anything shiesty.
One way to spot toxic parents is they call their children and others “entitled”. Like “how dare anyone think they are owed something by me,” they think it only goes one way.
Everyone is entitled to something, the problem is when people are over-entitled. You are entitled to what you paid for. Make sure you keep up with the taxes OP, and visit your property regularly. Check property squatters’ rights laws and protect your property rights.” Legitimate-Review-56
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your mother clearly has no idea how it works with real estate. If you died in a car crash intestate (without a will), the property would’ve gone to your next of kin (them, assuming you’re not married).
I’d cut off contact with them completely once you have the deed in your name though OP.
They were actively stealing from you.” LetThemEatHay
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s going to be a tough road for you regarding future trust issues. Just acknowledge that fact as you get into new relationships and protect yourself while also realizing that not everyone is as horrible as your parents seem to be.
They are simply awful human beings and you deserve better.” classicgirl1990
5. AITJ For Always Tagging Along With My Partner And His Friends?
Oh, the double standards…
“My partner and I have been together for a year now.
We are both 19.
My partner has a group of 5 friends. One guy and one girl who are a couple, another girl who’s single, and another guy and girl who are also a couple. So two couples and a single girl.
The single girl is the best friend of one of the other female partners, and that’s how she became part of the friend group.
The original friend group was just my partner and the other guys, but their partners and that other girl tagged along, and they all became a friend group eventually.
During the first few months of our relationship, everyone in the friend group, mostly the girls, demanded that my man asks for permission to bring me around, and only if they approved, I’d be brought.
My partner thought this was kinda normal at first because I was still new etc. But this kept on going and I voiced my discomfort about this to my man who also admitted that he doesn’t like the fact that everyone gets to bring their partners except him.
Then he started bringing me around more often without asking at this point because nobody else asks, why should he?
Due to some busy schedules, we don’t meet with each other a lot but recently we had some get-togethers back to back and I could tell they were annoyed. One time a few days ago while we were at one of their houses and I used the bathroom I overheard the single girl say how she feels uncomfortable that my partner is bringing me around because now she’s the only single person there and my partner is always stuck with me instead of keeping company to her like he used to before he got with me.
I didn’t speak at that moment after I got out but I told my partner that I overheard. For the record, my partner defended me and said: “you don’t have to like it but please at least be respectful.”
A couple of days ago we met again and they were all talking about how they wanted to plan a trip.
My partner then said about me how I love planning trips and I can help with that. Then one of the girls said, “who said you’re invited?” I was shocked and it was followed up by a confrontation about how I’m rude to always tag along without asking and how disappointed they are that my partner is always bringing me around and how they can’t see their friend without me being around him all the time.
My partner defended me and said that if they’re allowed to be around their partners then so is he. Then they said that we are the jerks because we make the single friend feel left out by always being together and they blame me for ruining their friendship dynamic.
The other guys stayed neutral in this but the girls are against us, mostly against me. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ- Sometimes people don’t like change in their group of friends, it’s normal but you get used to it. They probably were planning on hooking them up before he met you.
You and your partner do not need to ask for permission, he can take you with him wherever he goes, just as you take him wherever you go (Obviously if you want lol) if the guys are not saying anything, it’s because they do not have any problems with you tagging along.
But they do not want to make their girls mad by defending you and your man. If they do not respect their friend’s girl, then they are not that great friends. Make plans for you and your partner, set boundaries when going out with them (If you decide to do so in the future) but you and your partner are not responsible for the single girl’s relationship.” YoriInoku
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ.
I am so lost right now. How is it fair that the guys can bring their partners, but you’re out of the question? Why does the single girl have a problem when she’s been fifth-wheeling before you were a tagalong?
Honestly, you and your partner need to find better friends. Your current friend group is too hypocritical and the single girl sounds annoying as heck.” CategoryAble7175
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, there’s no reason you shouldn’t be allowed to tag along. Sounds like the single chick liked him and the bestie and her partner are supporting her.
Might be time to find new friends. There’s no way my man would go hang out with a bunch of people and “ask for approval” to bring me when there are other females there and there’s no way in heck he’d be entertaining a single chick because she doesn’t want to be a third wheel lol their expectations are warped in my opinion.” shy1273
4. AITJ For Arguing With My Wife Over Having To Drive Her To Her Internship?
“My wife (27F) and I (30M) have been married for 3 years, together for 4.
She recently started an internship for the next two months on the other side of our large metropolitan area that takes 1 hour to get to via mass transit (at worst 1:15 and Google says at best 40). I usually take the bus to work, which takes me about 15-30 minutes.
We have a car, but she doesn’t drive yet. The internship leads to a potentially lucrative career for her as well as she progresses up the ranks in a few years (200K+).
For the first two days this week, I drove her to her internship.
This took away about an hour+ of my sleep (30 min drop off, 30 min to work, 10 min walk), and cost us $15 in parking (she also had to commute back via mass transit given I’m at work). I am a very poor sleeper in terms of times/hours (average probably 4-6 a night so every hour matters in my opinion).
I admit this is my fault as I stay up too late (reading, gaming, random chores, tv) and I do not have a great sleep schedule. I also do reasonably well at my job, making around $250K+ (context later). So instead of waking up at 7:30, I had to wake up at 6:30 to take her.
And even that one hour less of sleep made me feel awful during the day and I couldn’t concentrate (and my job involves me thinking all day). I felt it affected my performance.
I initially suggested she just take mass transit to work and just leave earlier because I need my sleep.
She countered with just take me to the main station hub, which is just 5 min away (her walking would take 15). I said that still disrupts my sleep and doesn’t really solve the issue – I want my sleep to be productive at my job.
This is where the emotional blackmail started which included -crying – “I can’t believe my own husband won’t do this for me” – “Why are you even my husband then” – threatening “I’ll do what I want” when I try to find a solution -cold shouldering/ignoring now – “my own husband.”
Keep in mind, I’m trying to be reasonable/rational and not get emotional, but I do say she is emotionally blackmailing me. I probably got somewhat emotional/loud in the argument as well – “my one hour is worth less than $25 to you.”
My ultimate solution was why don’t we just get an Uber?
It would cost $20-$25, allow both to sleep more, she could leave as she wanted, and it’s safer (mass transit can be sketchy here) and quicker. At most, it’s for two months as she will hopefully start driving soon and we can afford it.
However, she wants to save $$$ (which I sincerely appreciate cause we are single income right now) but I’d rather be able to think straight and have her have a safe, quick commute.
Or, should I just suck it up given it’s only two months and fix my sleep schedule overnight (which has been messed up now for 3+ years).
I really do value every hour (I have massive bags under my eyes).”
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
You failed to mention in your post that your wife is new to your country.
You refuse to change your habits, knowing they’re bad, and admit, due to your habits, you lack sleep, and therefore have this issue.
Your wife should also be able to compromise. Maybe spend some time teaching her how to drive, working toward her license. Also, is there not a way for you to drive her partial way, cutting down her travel time but also giving you a bit of extra time?
Also – not sure if your wife is from another culture, but if so, maybe think about the cost and how it relates to her culture. If she doesn’t come from a wealthy background, $25 for an Uber may be hard for her to want to spend each day, or twice a day, regardless of what your take home is.” Successful_Self1534
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Even if you went to bed earlier, her schedule and yours don’t mix. You don’t need to be up and out the door at the same time. Losing an extra hour of sleep stinks, no one wants to get up earlier than they have to.
Losing an hour of sleep just to drive an hour in rush hour before heading to your own job is not realistic. Even if it’s just to drop her off at the station nearby you would still need to be up and out the door much earlier than you actually need to be.
She chose this job. She should be able to manage to get there by herself; she is an adult too.
So many people are focusing on “OP is an adult he can go to bed earlier” but are neglecting to realize the wife is an adult too and should be able to navigate around her city to get to work like an adult.
If she hates public transit so much, an Uber is perfect. I’m going to assume it won’t break the bank with his salary.” Crazybat8647
Another User Comments:
“ESH, I understand your perspective. I spent a year getting up 3 hours earlier than I wanted to so I could get Hubby to the train station (he made me a cuppa and drove to the station with me as a passenger; I was then awake enough to drive home).
This was pre-Uber, and we were broke.
You admit that you’re staying up late gaming and that you’re exhausted. How about some melatonin to reset your sleep schedule? Not for your wife, but for you!
Your wife is saying “you would do this for me if you love me” and there is no soft landing at the bottom of that slippery slope, my friend.
Also, it’s on her that she doesn’t drive.
Save the Uber money and spend it on some couples counseling to work on your relationship.” Kayaker170
3. AITJ For Wanting My Name To Be Added To His Paper?
“I am the sole woman on an all-male research team. I have a colleague whom my boss favors. He may have reason to – this colleague is from an Ivy League and has a few more years of experience than I have as I’m younger than him.
But all of this means that he is slightly indeed better at his job than me. Either way, I believe I’ve earned my place on the team.
As a part of our job, we write papers. This colleague was put onto my papers because he had the opportunity to collect the data that I needed. This was not a unique opportunity – I could’ve done it.
But my boss pushed him to. As a result, this colleague got added to my papers.
As it turns out, this colleague pulled his weight in the beginning but then stopped. When I asked him to do some work, he would either not respond or respond with “that’s obviously your responsibility.” I started to cc my boss after which his tone improved a bit.
But even when my boss asked him to do the work, he did not respond. Eventually, I got tired of waiting and did the work on my own. Because my career gets impacted the longer my papers get delayed.
Importantly, this colleague wanted to submit the paper to a special journal that requires certain idiosyncratic details and formatting.
It’s a total of about a day of extra work. I told him that we can go to his choice journal if he does the work required. The emails mentioned above were sent in that context. He only had to prep the paper for this journal that he requested, while my boss and I did the work of writing the full manuscript.
Since he wasn’t doing the work, I thought – should I just delete this person’s name from my paper? But then I decided to come up with another solution. I figured I could suggest that he could put me on his papers – as a kind of reciprocation.
I’d do the work required and I communicated that. Unsurprisingly, he did not want to add me.
My boss thinks that asking for “reciprocation” is wrong (even though reciprocations are fairly commonplace on research teams such as ours). And that life is unfair, I should just deal. He also thinks that I should use this as learning to not let just anyone onto my papers, even if they collected data for me.
He said that I should have played the “long game.” To be in the good books of this colleague with the higher status and better CV (but equal rank).
So after chatting with my boss, I decided to text this colleague to call a truce.
Saying that I did the work required and submitted the paper with his name on it, even though he did not come through for me. I told him that we could meet for a drink and hash things out. He decided to ignore my message – just as he was ignoring my emails previously.
My boss thinks that I’m the jerk. My colleague wants to remain on my papers but thinks that I am trying to get onto his papers without deserving it – making me the jerk.
AITJ for asking to be put onto his papers as a form of “reciprocation?””
Another User Comments:
“I am not sure this is the best place for you to come for judgment. Not very many people are aware of the needs and requirements of authoring a research paper. You would be better off getting advice from colleagues in your field, particularly anyone who works for a journal or a professor.
However, it sounds like this particular person has provided some initial data for your research paper, which may be enough to get him added to the author list. There may also be another reason your boss wants him added to the list, which you may not be privy to.
This person does not sound interested (or has the time) to do more for your paper/project, so pushing him isn’t going to help. Deleting his name would most likely result in you being placed in a negative light by your boss or other colleagues.
And asking to be added to his papers is presumptuous. My advice is to just focus on preparing the best paper possible and stop worrying about this guy and the co-authorship. Use your time and energy on getting your work out at conferences and getting your next publication/project underway.” DaxxyDreams
Another User Comments:
“Fellow academic here. I totally understand the frustration, but as you know networking is everything in academia, and that’s the long play. And also power dynamics are a big thing, unfortunately. I don’t think there’s anything you can do about your paper.
If your boss is not on board with removing him from the author’s list, there’s no advantage for you in making this thing a hill to die on. You’ll just get in an uncomfortable place with your PI, and that’s not useful at all when you’ll need references, etc. On the other side, I think it’s pretty sketchy to have your name added to a paper you did not contribute to.
So, no judgment here, but just submit and publish this paper (I hope reviewer 2 won’t be too bad!) and move on to the next one!” MMart_123
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but do not put your name on his papers or any papers you didn’t write.
You have no control over the rigor, ethics, inaccuracies, etc of the work produced and will have no say in the direction or content of the piece. In my field (criminology, US) it is sometimes typical for the data collector to be on all the papers.
I personally will put them on one or two and for the rest of the products from the study, I leave authorship to just the individuals who contributed to the writing. This is ALWAYS agreed upon beforehand to avoid these conflicts. Although your boss sounds unresponsive to your requests and concerns, I would try to explain that you want at least some of the papers to have your name only (or just you and the other actual contributors) to show that you are able to lead papers and that you did the majority of the work.” Reddit user
2. AITJ For Telling My Ex Best Friend I Don't Care About Her Problems?
“Mary and I (both 26F) have been friends since first grade. We had similar ambitions and goals in life so we attended the same university. During our first year there, I met my ex-partner, introduced Mary to his friend, and they also started seeing each other.
That relationship was one of the biggest mistakes I made so far in life. He was extremely abusive, constantly belittling me and making me feel worthless. He would gaslight me to the point I felt insane and worst of all he would act like the perfect partner in front of others making them think I was the crazy one in the relationship.
I endured his maltreatment until my last year of uni when something inside me snapped and I realized I couldn’t live like that any longer.
Needless to say, he didn’t take the breakup well. He would harass me daily and the police wouldn’t do anything about it since he didn’t technically hurt me yet.
He made me feel unsafe in my own home so I called Mary to ask if I could go stay with her only to realize my number has been blocked. Thinking this was some sort of a mistake I showed up at her doorstep only for her to answer the door with her partner behind her.
They both called me a disgusting woman and said that my ex already told them everything there is to know so I shouldn’t even bother before slamming the door in my face and publicly shaming me after I left crying.
Years went by and I’m doing much better for myself.
Last week I got a call from an unknown number, it was Mary who asked if we could meet up. I thought she might want to apologize so I agreed to meet up with her. When I saw her, she looked horrible. Apparently, her uni partner wasn’t Prince Charming like she thought he was and started mistreating her after they moved in together.
Being unfaithful, lying, and gambling away their savings. I asked her what that had to do with me and she sheepishly said that she heard I was renting out an apartment in town and thought I could let her live there for a year rent-free until she could get back on her feet again.
For old-time’s sake.
I laughed in her face and said that she never cared when she knew my ex was abusing me so why should I suddenly care about her problems all of a sudden? She’s not my friend anymore and she can move back in with her mom or sister if she’s that desperate.
I’ve had a conversation about it with my partner, and she told me that although what Mary did to me was horrible I should be the bigger person and help her out since if anyone knows how hard it is to leave a toxic relationship, it’s me.
I don’t know if I’m wrong and I need an honest opinion, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. Why should you be the bigger person when she literally did nothing to deserve it? If she at least had apologized, maybe you could think about it (and wouldn’t be obligated to do crap for her, she decided to believe a guy she barely knew over you, her best friend of YEARS).
She made her bed, now she must lie in it. I can’t even conceive how she had the guts to show up asking to live with you RENT FREE after treating you so poorly. If you don’t want to help her, you don’t have to.
She has a family, she can go talk to them.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“I never understand this “be the bigger person” mentality. Like, I’ve already been the bigger person, it’s why I’ve repeatedly been screwed over. Same with OP. Went out with an abusive guy, didn’t get abusive back, didn’t strive to get even, just ended the relationship and moved on.
Friend snubbed her because of lies, didn’t go on a revenge tour, just accepted the relationship was over, and moved on. Bigger person all around. I am beginning to believe people mean just shut up and be a doormat when they say be the bigger person.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You are doing the same thing she did to you, so how are you any better? You said yourself you were in her shoes and desperate for help and how it hurt being denied that help, congratulations you had your chance to do better and chose to do the same.
You didn’t have to let her in your home but could have helped maybe by listening and giving options (family, police even a lawyer) but you decided to laugh in her face. I repeat, how are you any better than her?” Dresden_Mouse
1. WIBTJ For Not Doing Anything Special For My Stepmother's 50th Birthday?
“I (21f) got into a fight with my stepmother and her mom over this.
When I was 7 years old my mom died. My dad met my stepmother, Bea, 6 months later, and within two months of knowing her she was living with us and they were married. Bea had left a bad relationship, was grieving after several miscarriages, and saw me/us as her chance to have the family she had always wanted. I didn’t want another mother and I was not happy with how fast my dad moved on.
For about three years we lived in this pretty chaotic household where Bea would try to be a mom to me and would chase after me like crazy, my dad would flip-flop between telling me I needed to move on, apologizing to Bea and asking me not to pull away from him and he was sorry if I struggled with his choice.
Bea’s mom moved nearby then and it just became a crazy crapshow because she wanted to be a grandma, and she wanted Bea to be a mom.
Eventually, my dad kind of pulled it together and decided we all needed therapy, alone and together. Individual therapy was great for me.
“Family” therapy not so much. I honestly hated it because while I was able to get the truth out there, it felt like we didn’t really make any true progress from that. Bea wanted to be my mom, wanted me to love her, and said how much Dad and I meant to her and how she wanted us to feel like an actual family.
Whereas I was clear that I didn’t want a new mom and wasn’t going to agree to that relationship with her. I was asked directly by the therapist we saw if I loved Bea and I said I did not.
At some point during this dad came to a session with me and my individual therapist and he realized what I said wasn’t some misguided loyalty to Mom or a feeling of her not wanting me to move on, but my own feelings and he said he was sorry and that he wished he could have handled things better for me.
His and my relationship improved because of this and over time, I could see how happy he and Bea were together and how much they did love each other. So I have respect and appreciation for her for that. I still don’t love her though and I still very much do not consider her my mother/a mother to me.
Bea’s 50th birthday is coming up soon and she and her mom are throwing a party for it. Dad made all these plans to spoil her on the day. But then Bea and her mom told me they expected me to go to the same lengths I went to for my dad’s 50th and that I made the effort as much as I do to bring up my mom’s birthday on social media every year with an old photo of us.
I was honest that I had not planned to do anything big. They told me after everything, Bea deserves to have me go all out and to show her love and appreciation like she has always wanted. Bea’s mom told me I was already “vicious” for not planning it on my own but hearing that she wants it, I would be even worse to not make sure she feels loved and wanted and cherished by me when she is celebrating a big milestone like turning 50.
WIBTJ if I don’t do something big?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You aren’t required to give anyone a gift. That’s why it’s called a gift, not an obligation.
If you want to do something appropriate, in my opinion, a simple card attached to the flowers saying happy birthday from you and nothing else is sufficient.
Find out from your dad what her favorite flowers are. They don’t have to be extravagant. I wouldn’t think it would be more than $50-60 with delivery.
Now comes the harder part. You are an adult. It’s time to decide how much of Bea you want to have in your life.
If you are no longer living with your Dad and Bea, congratulations on being able to make this choice. You can go no/low contact with her. Maintain the relationship with your Dad. But you now decide what that’s going to be going forward.
I’m not going to defend Bea’s behavior.
As a step, I believe no person could or should reasonably expect to take the place of a parent. You aren’t their parent and nothing changes that. The role of a step is to provide guidance and boundaries and act as a trusted advisor. It’s also your role as the adult in the relationship to recognize what’s appropriate and what’s not and to ultimately support your spouse, the actual parent, as much as you can.
Of course, assuming they are a decent human being and deserve it, but then one would hope so if you married them.” atx2004
Another User Comments:
“Hard NTJ. For heaven’s sake, you are 21. Your stepmother is over twice your age, and she’s been on your case about making her feel special since you were SEVEN.
Now HER mother has been getting in on it.
You know what, even if you and Bea had a great relationship, it would be inappropriate for someone to demand that their kid throw them a huge celebration. 21-year-olds aren’t babies but they usually don’t have the resources for that.
Here’s the thing. Your stepmother already has plans for her birthday. Her mother is going to “spoil” her. Your father is going to “spoil” her. Why the crap does she need all of this spoiling and attention and deference? She literally drove your family to therapy over it.
Your stepmother is being completely unreasonable and her mother is just mean. “Vicious”? For not planning a sufficiently extravagant birthday party? You know what, you could get her the most amazing gift and it would still not make her happy for long. Within days she’d be demanding some other performance from you.
She is ALWAYS going to find something to be angry with you. She has been doing this for most of your life. Because she is delusional. And your father has been enabling her.
Get her a nice card, if that, tell her “Happy birthday!” and go on with your life.
I know that’s just going to make her scream and throw a tantrum, but SHE WOULD ANYWAY because apparently, your father married Dudley Dursley. So just do what you would do for anyone else’s birthday.
YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR MANAGING THE FEELINGS OF A 50-YEAR-OLD AND HER MOTHER.
No way. I will turn 50 on my next birthday and this reads as insane behavior to me. I would be shocked to hear that a peer of mine has been acting like this to their stepkid for over a decade. Why have you been expected to be more grown-up than the actual adult?
This is nuts.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“ESH. I bet you never had a problem with Bea when she was doing all the motherly things for you. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, picking out presents, taking you to the doctor or where you wanted or needed to be.
I bet you just expected this of her. Has Bea pushed too much? Absolutely. But is it so hard to do something nice that will make someone feel good when I am sure she has done so much for you from the time you were 8?
I have no idea why step-parents push so hard for the step-kids to love them and why kids push back so hard on loving their step-parents. Maybe it’s time to take the plunge to repay someone for their time, effort, support and I am sure money that they used raising you.” Dneyman859
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