People Need To Know "Am I The Jerk?" In These Stories

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We've all been in moments when the only choice we're left with is either to fight or flight. As humans, our anxiety sometimes pushes us to make brave decisions that may seem petty to other people. Because of these decisions, we sometimes get judged as being jerks. Here are some stories from people who are still thinking whether they've become jerks in someone else's stories or not. Read on and let us know who you think the jerk is. AITJ = Am I the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk YTJ = You're the jerk

17. AITJ For Sending My Partner A Bill Of Everything I Bought For Him?

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“My significant other (30m) and I (27f) have been together 3 years, living together for 2. Our finances are kept separate, we have separate bills personally (cell phone, cars, subscriptions, etc) and share home ones. Food purchases, hangouts, outings, trips, and our puppy, we take turns. It’s worked for us relatively well with just a few disagreements over the first year or so. We both have coming in and he has far more in savings than I do.

Last week, randomly, he sent me a screenshot of a list of things he had paid for over the last couple of weeks, things like, ‘dog food’, ‘grocery store’, ‘gas’ (when he drove my car), and a couple of things we did together for hangouts. It totaled just under $300 He sent a text asking, ‘Am I going to get any of this back?’ I was super confused because neither of us have ever done anything like this so I replied asking what he was talking about, he said he spent a lot and wanted me to repay him for it.

I sent a text asking him if everything was okay for him and he said yes but then started to get really argumentative on why I just hadn’t paid him back yet.

Here’s where I may be the jerk, because I had nothing better to do with myself for an hour, I went through my bank statements and made an itemized bill with everything I had spent during the same time frame.

I broke it down to include just his portion of things like restaurant bills but included things I had bought for the house and puppy. The total was over $500. Then I wrote him a message that said, ‘I’m really confused on where this came from as our relationship has never been transactional like you are asking for. I am more than happy to switch from our current way of doing things moving forward.

You requested I pay you back for things you previously paid for, so here is everything I paid for in the same time frame. I would like to be repaid for some of this also, let me know what you think.’

He kind of lost it on me and said I’m being ridiculous and I have to be so dramatic. I think I’m just taking care of myself financially and not allowing myself to be taken advantage of.

I asked a couple of friends and some family and the answers are pretty divided, my mum said I should just let this go, pay him to keep life easy, and just not pay for anything else for him going forward. I don’t want to have an uncomfortable, weird relationship because of but my man is not willing to have any other discussion until I pay him and he refuses to pay me back anything.

I kinda feel like I’ve just caused my relationship to crumble. So AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ but… if you only recently found out his savings after living together then you don’t have as good of a relationship as you think. You should have been open about these things when moving in together. Did you not discuss who would pay for what in the shared spaces?

You 2 need to sit down ASAP, list off every expense you both have, and decide how things get split up.

One of you thinking the other isn’t paying their fair share will absolutely cause resentment and destroy a relationship. You 2 should also be on the same page for saving for the future or emergencies. If his vehicle breaks down and you pay for it, is that a loan, and if so how long till he pays it back. Might sound too detailed but… the devils in the details is a saying for a reason.” sparklingcoconuts

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

This should be the hill you chose to die on. If he is throwing this at you out of the left field and refusing to talk about why he suddenly is changing the way finances work in your relationship and also refusing to accept that he owes you more than you owe him for the same time frame this is a huge red flag.

Your mother’s suggestion is straight out of the 1950s.

Please ignore it.

Something has changed in his world. He needs to be upfront with you. His financial situation might have changed, or his desire to be in a relationship with you might have changed, or something else might have changed. No matter the scenario, he needs to tell you what is going on.” omgtuttifrutti

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

I think there is something going on with the guy beyond what OP shared.

I suspect she is unaware of it as well. Could be he suddenly finds himself short of money, is worried about it, or is planning to leave the relationship. Or someone is trying to convince him that he is being taken advantage of. Or he wants to break up and is looking to blame you. Willing to bet it is at least one of these things.

Yes, what you did was dramatic. That doesn’t mean it was inappropriate!! It was a very legitimate response given that you tried inquiring about his status and then discussing it.

I think your mom is wrong. Do you want a relationship where you both earn, anything you buy (including things he requests or that are household or where you both benefit), you pay for. But whenever he buys those things, you pay half?

Yes, your relationship is crumbling.

Is it crumbling because you ask for an adult conversation and refuse to be financially taken advantage of? Or because he demands money, won’t have an adult conversation, and insists on taking advantage of you?

This all is in the category of better to learn in year 3 than after marriage.” tropicaldiver

Another User Comments:
“That you are OK with going to a 100% separated expenses quasi-transactional relationship is honestly more worrisome than anything else in this post.

Not to be Men-Mars/Women Venus about it, but in real-world terms, for a man doing well to approach his girl with this request is a red flag the size of a football field. And your response is ‘I am more than happy to switch from our current way of doing things moving forward.’

You are being given a very clear message that you are quite deliberately ignoring in order to hang on to him.

No man sends a text like that to a woman he loves and cherishes and with whom he wants a life together. Most women would be done with it after a text like that, but you are trying to make it work. Whatever you thought you had with him is now changed. He is clearing the way to break up with you. You need to wake up and pay attention.” Nanny_Ogg1000

8 points (10 votes)
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LolaB17 4 months ago
So why is what you did "being ridiculous and dramatic?" It's exactly what he did. He's sending you several messages. 1.He is not part of you to as a couple. 2.He doesn't play fair because he's emotionally separating and financially separating from you, without being honest. So people are only fair when they're "in-love" they are very different leaving the relationship.
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16. AITJ For Calling CPS On My Neighbor?

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“I (F 23) and my fiancé (M 24) have been living in our neighborhood for about three years now and as nice as our place is we have never gotten along with our neighbor. She lives with her two kids right next to us and has always been snotty since we met her. It was never something we paid too much attention to since we got a good deal on the house.

After a while, I started to notice she didn’t just act that way with us but with her children as well. She has a teenager and a little one. They are the sweetest kids I’ve ever met. The little one regularly leaves small flowers on our porch and the older one talks to my fiancé when we are outside. Though I thought the way she talked to her kids was quite rude, I chalked it up to her being a super strict parent, and since my mother was the same way I figured all was well.

However, on Christmas Eve, my fiancé and I got home very late (around 1:30 am) from a Christmas party, and as we were going inside I heard what sounded like someone snoring but figured I was so tired I was hearing things. But then my fiancé turned around and seemed like he heard it as well. After talking a while we noticed our neighbor’s oldest laying on our porch bench in nothing but a hoodie and sweatpants.

I asked him why he was here and if he was ok and he proceeded to tell me that his mom kicked him out of the house for not having his bed made or the dishes done and told him to ‘think about what he had done.’ I live in Michigan and it is super cold here especially at night. So I did what any logical person should do and called CPS.

Now my neighbor came knocking at my door this morning because I guess her oldest told her I called CPS. She is calling me a monster for trying to get her kids taken away on Christmas and that I should be ashamed of myself. I don’t think I did anything wrong but I don’t know, should I have talked to the mom first? AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

What if you hadn’t been out late? The child could have passed from exposure, been harmed by a passerby, etc. What scares me is next time she punishes her children it will be hidden, like locked in a closet, basement, withholding food/water, etc, so definitely document anything you see or hear and keep contacting CPS as needed. Also, let the children know you’re a safe adult/house for them to come to with new abuse and neglect and in emergencies.” MissionRevolution306

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

You weren’t trying to get her kids taken away, you were trying to protect them from abuse, and the difference is small but meaningful.

You mention her being a single mom, and that’s incredibly difficult, people judge a lot, and I get that she probably feels pressured especially to discipline her kids and be ‘tough’ so she doesn’t get judged as a bad mum. But there’s tough and then there’s letting things get out of hand.

You’ve said that her kids seem sweet, well-mannered, and clearly, this teen isn’t a troublemaker. Michigan winters are basically the same as Canadian winters. Homeless people pass away from exposure every year. It would have been bad enough if she had locked the teenager out even with proper winter clothing… but locking them outside in just their indoor clothes in winter weather is COMPLETELY inappropriate. Temperatures drop at night, and they could have ended up frostbitten or worse.

Locking a child outside at night in northern temperatures isn’t ‘tough love’, it’s abuse. Period. I won’t even say she’s a terrible parent – she may have been frustrated and not thinking. But her behavior required a wake-up call, and that’s all you did. CPS isn’t going to take her kids away because of a single incident. They’re going to look into it and make sure this isn’t a pattern, and maybe give her a warning or make her take a parenting class.

You did well. NTJ.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU

Another User Comments:
“I live at a border crossing for Michigan/Ontario, lake effect temps make it COLD here at night. The kid could’ve gotten hypothermia! NTJ, if it were my neighbor she’d have ended up with worse than a CPS call, our neighborhood would make her pay, they did when they found me outside at night in the winter because my mom kicked me out to ‘teach me a lesson’.

The house was egged regularly over several months, someone keyed her car, and spray painted the house. She couldn’t go to the police though, because the spay paint said ‘child abuser’, and that would make them ask her questions. She got worse with the psychological torture after that, but the physical instances became more few and far between because she knew that someone was always watching.

I won’t lie though, watching the neighborhood give her misery as she gave me made me feel like they were getting sweet sweet revenge on my behalf, it was lovely, not that I’d encourage anyone to do the same.” dangeroussequence

Another User Comments:
“Daughter to a CPS worker here and mother to a wee one, definitely NTJ. Mom brought this on herself and deserves to be held accountable, and needs to be.

What would have happened had y’all not come home that night/maybe stayed at a friend’s or family member’s home? Would Mom have eventually gone looking for her teen? Would they have tried to go in on their own? (How long were they out there in the first place? If he was asleep, then it makes me think he was outside long enough for hypothermia to be a risk.) Not only the risk of cold but there’s also never a guarantee that someone looking for trouble (ex. robber, etc.) won’t hurt them just for being there.

She put her child in harm’s way.

Thank you for calling CPS for them. If the mom was willing to do this, it legitimately makes me wonder if there’s more happening behind closed doors.” zryinia

6 points (8 votes)
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StumpyOne 4 months ago
I'm just so very grateful that you called CPS. definitely fortuitous that y'all came home when you did.
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15. AITJ For Telling My Husband He Should've Married A Christian, Not A Muslim?

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“So I (33f) am Muslim born and raised and I am living with my husband a Christian (37m) this argument happened around the start of December when we found out I was pregnant.

My husband knows I don’t celebrate Christmas due to my religion and I accept that he does. So on the 25th he goes to his family to celebrate and I go to my fam or some of my Muslim friends for a chat and catch up.

So when my husband came home around 10 pm on the 26th I asked how his family is and how the day went, etc., basic things. My husband then says: “It was great I just can’t wait until next year we’ll be celebrating with a little one a new member of the family!”

I then asked that if he really thinks our child will be celebrating Christmas and he says yes they will be celebrating whether or not I liked it.

I said maybe we could do Christmas with your fam 1 year then go visit my fam the next, but he was adamant about our child celebrating Christmas every year. I said that will go against my culture and religion but I was accommodating with the 1 year on, 1 year off.  He just said he feels that I’m disrespecting his culture and religion.

I said,”If you think you think you get to make all cultural and religious shots around here, you’re wrong and you shouldn’t have married a Muslim.”

He got really silent and is not talking to me saying I escalated blowing things way out of proportion and it’s getting tome a bit so AITJ?

Edit: This was not a planned pregnancy we didn’t want kids so it was never discussed but we are in no way sad about this and will both love this child with all our hearts.”

Another User Comments:
“I think YTJ.

I find it kind of strange that you don’t even go with him to see his family on Christmas. If he was asking you to go to church or pray then it would be different, but you can’t even spend time with his family? Also, I really think you should expose your child to both religions and give them the autonomy to practice whichever or both religions when they are old enough to decide on their own.” peach-bellinis

Another User Comments:
“Pardon my ignorance – do Muslims celebrate anything on December 24-25? I don’t see what would prevent the OP from going with her husband (and soon, her child) to “celebrate” the holiday with his family.

OP doesn’t have to exactly participate in the religious portions of the holiday (even though I think maybe she should make some effort for her husband and child – personally, I think you can participate in activities of a religion you don’t identify with simply to support your loved one, it won’t make you less of a Muslim).

My fiance doesn’t identify with any religion, but he attended the Christmas eve church service with me to support me (I asked if he would, he said sure).

He stood quietly with me when we sang hymns, and sat quietly for the rest. I felt so loved and supported by him. His being there standing/sitting didn’t make him a Methodist Christian lol.

OP, when you marry someone you make vows to love them, all parts of them. You make (reasonable) sacrifices. You can attend his family’s gathering and not be less of a Muslim. Find some love and tolerance for this part of your husband’s life that you currently seem to despise.

If you didn’t want to love him and make reasonable sacrifices for him, you shouldn’t have married him, not even to mention having a baby with him. And YES, he should make sacrifices for you, so if there is some big reason (a random friend gathering that could happen any time is NOT a reason) that you cannot attend his gathering, such as a Muslim holiday event, then yes you both should take turns and figure out an every other year strategy, absolutely.” Creative_Tart7794

Another User Comments:
“My husband who is Muslim goes with me to church, has even volunteered with me at my church, and has gone to midnight mass and church on Christmas with my family (obviously he doesn’t do the prayers we do).

When my family is over at Christmas we all do presents and have a great day eating and enjoying company. I can’t help but think it is weird that op didn’t go with him to his family’s home, but at the same time, it seems the husband is not necessarily being respectful of her religion, and maybe his family would be the same way. Respect goes both ways and building a life together means that you get to know about each other’s traditions and culture.

I think you are both the jerks but your husband much more. It just reeks of him thinking he could just change you, later on, I’m probably wrong and reading too much into it, ESH, by the way, hopefully, you two can come together before the baby comes.” bobbydawn25

Another User Comments:
“I’m also going to chime in with a YTJ.

I suppose I could be counted as a ‘test subject’ for your suggestion as I was raised in an interfaith family with a Christian mother and Muslim father.

I celebrated all relevant holidays to both religions, I went to mosques and churches to appreciate not just the religions but the rich histories and commonalities between both Christianity and Islam. My father would also join my mother at church when it was important to her, though he wouldn’t worship there himself.

My parents never forced either religion onto me but exposed me to both. Although it’s not conventional, I like to think of myself as belonging to both religions.

This was a matter of mutual respect and acceptance for my parents, as they had spoken about this before they got married. I view both God figures as the same being and thus, I don’t feel like I’m betraying either religion.

For my family, religious texts are more of moral guidance than something you need to abide by, and I draw lessons from both. Neither of them ever regretted this decision and they’re on nearly 30 years of marriage.

I also appreciate the freedom and choices they gave me.

During Christmas, my father stays with us and buys each of us a gift, as my mother views it more as a day to appreciate your family than a religious holiday. My mother extends the same courtesy to him with religious and cultural days of importance, as we celebrated Shabe Yalda the same week as Christmas, splitting a pomegranate, some nuts, and reminiscing about the past and family. My mother doesn’t have any issues with partaking in such holidays. It’s possible and has worked very well for us.

So please keep this in mind, OP, for your child’s sake if nothing else.” rosesprou

4 points (6 votes)
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cijo1 4 months ago
YTJ & so is your husband. I can't believe you two didn't discuss this beforehand...even if you thought you didn't want kids. I hope you take the advice of rosesprou & think about your child instead of just thinking about yourselves.
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14. AITJ For Turning Away Guests Who Brought Their Dogs Into My House?

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“An old friend’s Christmas plans fell through so I invited him to come to spend it with us since I happened to have plenty of extra space this year.

He said, ‘Is it alright if I bring my whole family?’ I said no problem, knowing from social media and past conversations that his whole family was just a wife and two kids, and we had the room and food to accommodate them.

When they showed up they had two dogs with them.

They hadn’t mentioned bringing the dogs and I was really taken aback. I asked him why he didn’t tell me about the dogs and he said he’d told me he was bringing the whole family and I knew he had two dogs.

I told him I didn’t think ‘whole family’ implied he was flying the pets down with him and I was sorry but I couldn’t have them in the house.

On top of the fact that I’m not super comfortable with animals whose training I’m not familiar with coming in my house to stay several days, my wife is really not a dog person and I couldn’t in good faith just spring this on her, she was already doing me a favor by allowing me to invite friends of mine for the holidays.

So I told them I was sorry but they couldn’t stay at our house.

That they could spend the holiday but would have to find somewhere else to stay over and to keep the dogs during the day.

They were furious and said I was basically a jerk and a moron and ruined their holiday etc etc etc.

I reached out after 24 hours had passed hoping once heads had cooled we could discuss it and make amends but now it’s been several days and I still haven’t heard from him.

I feel bad about how it all transpired and could use some outside perspective. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It is basic common sense to ask about bringing the dogs first. It would not be remotely obvious to 99% of people that ‘the whole family includes the dogs. Honestly, he probably phrased it that way on purpose because he wanted to bring the dogs and didn’t want to allow you to say no.

If they weren’t the case he’d at least have been apologetic about not being clear.

This is as ridiculous as if he’d showed up with his grandparents and all his aunts and uncles and cousins and said ‘well you said I could bring the whole family!'” bunnybunnybiscuit

Another User Comments:
“NTJ, if anything that friend was being deceptive when he asked to bring his whole family. Like of course, you’d be fine with him bringing his wife and kids to Christmas, right? It would be courteous to confirm it, but if someone invited me over for Christmas I’d assume my family was going to come (and mention them).

The fact that he didn’t specifically mention the dogs makes me think he was trying to guilt you into letting the dogs come once they showed up, and when you put your foot down they freaked out.” better_IRL_I_swear

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Look, I am a dog AND cat person. There is NO WAY I would ask if I could bring the ‘whole family’ which would include the dogs and/or cat.

Anyone who did not want to be MISLEADING would say, ‘can I bring my whole family, including my dogs?’

No, these people were trying to pull a fast one. They figured, once they were at your front door, you would feel that you had no CHOICE but to let them stay. This guy USED to be your friend but, boy, has he CHANGED!” patjames904

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They may consider their dog’s family (and that is fine), but they need to understand that other people might not automatically think that way when they say ‘the whole family.’ When coming over to someone else’s house, whether for a few minutes or a few days, if you are binging pets, you always ask before you bring your animals, for a variety of reasons.

Not the least of which can be that the host may simply not want the animals in their house (which is a completely legitimate reason).

Your friends basically pulled the ‘it’s easier to apologize than to ask for permission’ stunt on you and assumed you wouldn’t turn them and their dogs away. Huge props to you for calling their bluff. You should not have had to allow their dogs over – they were guests and it was extremely rude of them to bring them along without asking you first.

They also got angry with you to manipulate you into feeling bad and to make you the villain when you were, in fact, the victim.

100% of the jerkiness in this situation is on their side.” bamf1701

Another User Comments:
“Honestly. He should have fully communicated with you. It was surprising you wouldn’t even let them stay one day to even catch a return flight the next day. The only suggestion you had was the kid option.

Which I understand, because really that’s all you can do within your reach. But expecting them to put them up in a channel, like they’re very expensive. Which isn’t your problem at all!! But it plays a part because it’s also something they would have to pay on top of everything. I don’t think you’re in the wrong here. But also I feel that maybe some type of compromise could have happened but it is also your house.

But accept the friendship is over. It truly sucks but this is the kind of thing that ends friendships. Leave them alone. And if they’re ready to reach out, they will. If not, then mourn the relationship and move on.

I Vote NTJ.” BeardedTen

4 points (4 votes)
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ang 4 months ago
NTJ. "whole family" means spouse and kids, not pets.
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13. AITJ For Proposing To My Fiancé At His Family's Christmas Dinner?

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“My fiancé ‘Jake’ loves everything about Christmas and wintertime. We have talked a lot about marriage and are ready to get engaged, so I decided to take the plunge.

It was our Christmas to spend with Jake’s family and his mom always goes way over the top with decorations, so it was like a winter wonderland and it just seemed like the perfect place. During dinner, I got down on one knee and presented him with a wedding band.

Jake’s dad was pretty confused but he is the old school type and kept asking what was going on and if I was really proposing. I did anticipate that he would have some issues with a woman proposing. Jake’s mom hushed him, so I thought she was on my side (we’ve had some issues in the past) Jake said yes and I was over the moon.

We celebrated with an amazing meal and family and it was truly a magical night.

Jake’s dad did shut up when his mom told him to, but he seemed kind of uncomfortable the rest of the night and kept snickering. I heard today that Jake’s mom is furious, feels I hijacked her dinner, and was ranting when we left that Christmas is about everyone, not about us, and she feels I used her by ‘latching onto’ her celebration.

She is something of an attention seeker and one upper, and just that morning had been trying to make me jealous with the jewelry her husband got her. Apparently, she now is saying I have no respect, so I don’t know if I was out of line.”

Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Not for proposing to him during Christmas, but by doing it during Christmas dinner when you were not the host, you did make it all about you.

The rule for proposals is that you do not do it during someone else’s event without getting prior permission. If you are not comfortable asking them permission beforehand, that is an excellent sign that you are not close enough to judge whether or not it is appropriate. (And I just know someone is going to say that Christmas is not his mother’s event. That’s correct. But Christmas dinner at her house is her event.)” DinaFelice

Another User Comments:
“The jewelry thing is irrelevant really.

The fact that you mentioned it indicates that you really don’t like your fiance’s mother. Also in an attempt to try to persuade us into thinking you are not the jerk.

However, you are YTJ.

A lot of work goes into planning Christmas. You didn’t ask permission to propose before. Yet again, says another negative about you being inconsiderate and lazy in making the proposal special. You used the mother essentially in making the special ambiance.

Also, despite you hijacking her work, she was at least considerate to you by not making an issue at the moment and preventing her husband from making an issue.

If you wanted to propose so badly at Christmas, how about you do the work yourself in decorating, planning, and making the meal instead of taking advantage of somebody else’s work.” Hangingoutwithyou

Another User Comments:
“YTJ.

You never do stuff like this at someone else’s events.

If someone else is hosting an event you don’t hijack their event. It doesn’t matter what it is. Wedding, bridal showers, birthday parties, and yes even family dinners. ESP is a family dinner that the host spent hours preparing and planning for. Also, you interrupted people’s dinner for this. So in the middle of dinner, you decided to make this jog grand gesture. This also means people obviously have to stop what they are doing.

The fact that you don’t understand YTJ makes you a bridezilla in the making.” glittersparklythings

Another User Comments:
“Your proposal decision was not over the top rude, but it might have been a bit tone-deaf re paying attention to context and reading the room. Some people take their family holiday arrangments very seriously and it’s effectively a mini-set production. You had obviously planned to do this prior to the occasion.

Your assumption that this was just a casual event you could drop the proposal into was not out of bounds, as people often use family or friend gatherings to do this, but given how invested his mother is in the planning and dinner arrangments it might have been polite and prudent to give her a heads up.

Also, doing it during dinner was probably not the best plan.

This was her time to shine and the proposal took all the oxygen out of the room for people to admire her efforts re dinner and holiday arrangements.

Re the ‘jewelry/attention seeker’ comment, you also seem to have some passive-aggressive competition with her going on under the surface, which raises an eyebrow at your decision to do this the way you did. I think there was some gamesmanship involved in your decision to do this.

So not a full-fledged jerk but you really should have thought about the context a bit more than you did.” Nanny_Ogg1000

Another User Comments:
“Hate to say it, OP, but YTJ. The fact his mom goes ‘way over the top’, according to you, is a clear indicator of how important it is to her. You hijacked her event – in the middle of dinner I’m assuming she prepared – in order to make your proposal.

There are so many ways you could have avoided being the jerk – check with his mom if she was okay with you proposing during dinner, put up lots of Christmas stuff in your own place as a surprise and propose when he comes home, take Jake on a walk looking for the best Christmas lights or to see a big Christmas display and propose there.

Even proposing post-dinner, somewhere quiet in the house or the garden would still have been better.

Instead, you took advantage of someone else’s labor to make the backdrop for your romantic proposal without even once considering her feelings. You owe her an apology, seriously.

Edited to add: if her husband is ‘old fashioned’, she probably does a huge amount of physical and emotional labor that she is never thanked or acknowledged for. If that’s the case, big family events or celebrations are often the only time women like that get to experience any gratitude or positive attention for their efforts, and you very literally stole that from her. Sad, but true.” TheUnicornOfDoom

4 points (4 votes)
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KohakuNightfang 4 months ago
Just wanted to say that after reading this I never would have guessed people would say YTJ. It's a family dinner and you're sharing an important moment of your life with your family. Honestly if people take a holiday dinner seriously enough that they are offended by a proposal I just don't understand. If someone proposed at my house I both wouldn't wouldn't expect them to ask and I'd find it makes the whole thing even more special. Am I saying everyone else is wrong? No, but it's just a little silly to me I guess.
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12. AITJ For Trying To Stop My Niece From Stealing?

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“So far, the general consensus from my family (mostly my mom and sister, the kid’s mom and grandma) is that I AM the jerk and that I’m accusing the kid of stealing. I mean… I’m not trying to accuse her of stealing, but I was wondering if there was something that I could be doing differently to ease this tension.

My niece is 8. She has 3 siblings, but they don’t seem to have this problem.

She likes to put things in her pockets and then she forgets about them and takes them home…and then I never see them again. My playroom is really organized, and a lot of the toys in there are part of displays or sets that they can play with when they come to visit. For example, we have a life-size paw patrol tower with all of the puppies.

The puppies are a really important part of the set. And we also have a table with a wooden forest scene made out of stacker blocks. Wild animals, mountains, hills, and trees make up the set and don’t mesh together if a piece is missing.

When the kids go home, I put everything back in its place for next time. The puppies sit waiting on their respective cars on the Paw Patrol lookout tower.

The wooden sheep sit on the hills and mountains, with a rainbow stacker making up the rear of the scene.

Lately, pieces have been disappearing. I noticed that she had put one of the animals from our stacker set in her pocket and I told her to make sure that she didn’t accidentally take it home. This upset her grandma, who was listening to the conversation. In the end, the fox was still lost and was never seen again.

I have since taken my niece to different craft fairs and stores and she has a habit of getting excited and putting on jewelry and things like that, getting distracted, and then walking away with the unpaid-for jewelry around her neck or wrists. I have grabbed her a few times now and taken the jewelry off of her. So has her grandma, so she KNOWS that this is an ‘issue’ with her.

Well, since little pieces have been going missing, I’ve mentioned it a few times, just telling her mom or grandma that she might have accidentally (emphasis on accidentally) taken toys home with her in her pockets.

But it’s gotten to the point now that they have directly accused me of saying that she’s stealing and even told me to drop it and forget about the lost toys because they were small and not worth the insults in the long run.

This happened after she came home from a friend’s house with something that clearly belonged to them, and I said that we needed to get it back to them and maybe have a talk with her. Grandpa actually sided with me on this and said that even if it’s an accident, she needs to become self-aware before she gets in trouble in a store or something.

Grandma became upset at the both of us and said that it wasn’t worth pressing. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“The worst part is their refusal to do anything is what causes the problem. Whether she does have issues with focus and forgets she has the item or is stealing, that’s something to deal with. But by keeping said items they’re either rewarding the theft or taking an innocent habit and making it theft.

People will not want her around once they realize it’s her whereas if it’s innocent and your always dropping the stuff back/taking it off her before leaving they’re more likely to be forgiving and possibly remind her themselves.

Plus if they’re writing it off because she’s young, they’ll likely not actually teach her not to and just expect her to magically know not to one day and cause major issues.” PompeyLulu

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

Before she leaves your house, ask her to check her pockets and whatnot. ‘Hey, since it’s time to go, let’s check to make sure our pockets are empty, so I can give you a treasure to fill them up.’ Get a little box, put a few stickers, candy, etc. In it and when you’ve gotten her to empty her pockets and make sure she isn’t taken anything, she gets to pick something out of the box.

We’ve had playdates with friends and before they leave everyone helps with clean up and then I send them with a treat to go home. It’s just good manners. Some friends we have really struggle leaving a playdate and every time they want to borrow something until next time. Now we do a treat or a sticker to help with the transition. I wonder if that’s part of this for her? Still not appropriate.

She is stealing and it’s the adults around her that need to teach her that we don’t take things without asking.

If she is there with siblings too just have them all do it. Then it’s not singling her out. As for moving forward, they need to know that if she is in your care at a craft show, store, etc. This will not be something you will turn a blind eye to.

Because you are responsible for her.” hannahrae219

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I was this kid, I’m still this adult. My mom had to teach me to check myself, literally check wrists, hands, pockets before leaving somewhere as a kid. And I STILL had to return things sometimes. Including mom teaching me to look a place up in the phonebook, I’m old, write and address an apology letter with enclosed.

We were a few hundred miles away from a souvenir shop when I realized I had gems in my pockets. As an adult, I’ve walked out of a store with macaroni tucked under my arm. It would be so much worse, frequent, and more embarrassing if I hadn’t learned to pat myself down. She didn’t yell at me, she knew I wasn’t trying to steal, she just told me I needed to take responsibility for being distracted and forgetful. I wasn’t a master thief walking out the door wearing someone’s hat.” Vertigote

3 points (5 votes)
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SunnyDuckling611 4 months ago (Edited)
She is 8, and that's not acceptable behavior. She is old enough to understand that we don't put items in our pockets at the store or craft fair, unless we buy it, you don't need to see what it feels like in your pocket before deciding to buy it.

I also have a niece, younger than yours, who steals, at first it was just from daycare occasionally and mostly from my daughter, after expressing that she wishes she had one of those. They leave. The toy is gone. Nobody wanted to do anything about it, grandma and mom. The oldest sibling would actually occasionally look through her room, in her "hiding spots, yes she actually tried to hide them" and he put them in his backpack and bring them back to us next time we saw him. Then she started trying to get ahead of him, by telling her mom, look what I found, my old toy.. till one time she stole shoes from my daughter that were too small for her to even wear. I had brought it up numerous times and it was brushed off as innocent, until one day they were playing together and their stepdad came to get them, I had errands to run, so I went looking for my daughter's phone, that they had both been watching a movie on. the phone could only be used on wifi so I couldn't call it, I had to get the stepdad number from the older sibling but he didn't answer. Then he calls me back and says, guess who I turned around to find watching a phone she doesn't own in the back seat. I still couldn't get anyone to actively do anything about it, so I just stopped allowing her into my daughters room, put all important toys in there, and allowed them to play with the ones we didn't care so much for in the living room. Even still I would check her backpack and pockets before she'd leave, a few times she still magically had special toys.

As time goes on, unsurprising to me, I start to hear of her stealing from the store MULTIPLE times and even going as far as to steal money from her moms purse and wallet. She is now 6, for context she was stealing from stores and her mom around 5, she either stopped, got better at it, or they stopped telling me about it when they found out. I had many talks with that girl explaining why we don't take from our friends, because that will make them sad, and ask for something or ask an adult to buy you the same thing.

Sadly it got to a point where one day my daughter, who is 2 years younger, told me one day, Mommy I don't think she likes me, she only likes my stuff. She wants to see me new toys and when I tell her she can't have it she doesn't want to play with me anymore, then she takes my stuff. You told her it makes people sad, why does she want to make me sad?

My daughter unfortunately also learned to put her things away beforehand and to keep her eyes on her. My daughter says "she pretends to be my friend" but my daughter won't say that to her face, she acts just a friendly towards her.

And no it's not because she doesn't have things, she has never went without, gets everything she wants, and is actually a bonafide spoiled brat. Theres even been significant favoritism shown for her and her mom and siblings, over my husband, myself and our daughter. To the point my now 5 year old daughter notices, I've never pointed it out, it made her cry last Christmas
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11. AITJ For Punishing My Daughter Because Of The Gift She Gave To My Wife?

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“I’ve been with my wife for 4 and a half years. She suffered from breast cancer and we got married after she completed her treatment. This is also our first Christmas together as a married couple. I have a 16 y.o. daughter who can tolerate but not accept her stepmom and can be passive-aggressive towards her sometimes. She’s done some things in the past that warranted a number of punishments but my wife has been graceful and forgiving saying my daughter is being a typical teenager and trying to adapt but in my opinion, she has gotten out of control especially with lack of consequences.

There’s been tension around the holiday and surprisingly my daughter decided to spend Christmas with us saying her mom went to visit her future stepdad’s family a few towns over. My wife was thrilled with my daughter staying with us. She prepared everything and I helped here and there while my daughter was on her phone the entire time. I welcomed my inlaws and we had a great time throughout the day.

Christmas dinner went fine though my wife seemed a bit upset. She refused to say what’s wrong until I pressured her. She then opened the box my daughter got her for Christmas and there was a bra inside it. My wife broke down crying in the kitchen. I was fuming. I called for my daughter and confronted her about the gift and she tried to explain it wasn’t malicious but I disagreed and said yes it was and it was purposefully done to offend her stepmom and mock her illness.

I decided to punish her by having her do all the cleaning after the guests left but she tried to evade it by saying ok then turning around and calling her stepbrother to come to pick her up and take her to her mother’s house. I caught her at the door and kicked her stepbrother out and told her to start cleaning up immediately. She went hysterical, yelling about how cruel I was to punish her on Christmas and how insensitive and unladylike my wife was to be offended by the bra.

I refused to engage in her yelling matches and made sure she did all the cleaning which my wife said was a lot and asked me to let my daughter go to her mom’s house but I insisted not until the punishment was complete.

My daughter called her stepbrother again and left later. She immediately called her mom who came after me and berated me for doing what I did and ruining Christmas for her.

I had an argument with her about what our daughter did but she sided with her and called me abusive and a robot controlled by my wife though my wife asked me to let it go.

She got my former inlaws involved and they have been criticizing me about what I did.”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I was fully prepared to be on the side of your daughter because that’s who I tend to sympathize with in situations like this, but what she did was so unbelievably cruel and malicious that I hardly even know what to say.

Having to clean up is the absolute least she should expect for what she did. Teenagers can be cruel, but that’s just way, way over the line.” yourlittlebirdie

Another User Comments:
“So first, NTJ. Your daughter was vicious and cruel and I think she needs further consequences to fully understand the severity of her actions. Is it possible for her to volunteer at the local hospital, specifically a ward where cancer patients are receiving chemo? Or a respite home? So she can truly understand the horrible reality of cancer? If that is not possible maybe watch a documentary about breast cancer and then write an essay on why what she did was wrong which can be sent to your ex and formal in-laws?” whyarenttheserandom

Another User Comments:
“I’m going with NTJ.

Your daughter sounds like a snot. And no, this isn’t typical teenage behavior.

Your daughter targeted your wife. Her ‘gift’ was a blatant stab at your wife’s breast cancer. I can’t even wrap my mind around how mean that was.

And no that wasn’t too great a punishment. Let’s begin with the daughter not lifting a finger to help with any of the preparations. So her plan was ‘not do anything, get gifts and a great meal, present a cruel gift to the stepmother, and then peel out of there when things got hot’? Seriously?!??

NTJ. What your daughter did was cruel. A profound lack of empathy.

And your ex can shut it. As well as the ex-in-laws. They are contributing to unacceptable and cruel behavior. Your daughter needs a major attitude adjustment.” Advanced-Extent-420

3 points (5 votes)
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SunnyDuckling611 4 months ago
I don't know anyone who would give that as a gift to their stepmother, much less one who has gone through what your poor wife did.

Also note, that you were completely unaware, asyour wife tried to not tell you. Meaning your daughter, must've waited for an old which you weren't around and ambushed her with it. She probably hoped your wife would be to embarrassed to tell you about it, and therefore hurt your wife, with no consequences. That was in no way innocent, it was meant to hurt her. That's not even passive aggressive anymore, just straight up aggressive.

She deserved a harsher punishment, in my opinion.
First she didn't help with anything, but got all the benefits.
A nice Christmas, nice gifts I'm sure, a nice meal, and the opportunity to insult your wife.
Then was only punished by being made to clean up, and she tried to avoid that by basically, getting what she came for, throwing a jab at your wife, for her own amusement, and then leaving on her own terms.
She was in no way the victim in the scenario, your wife was the only victim here.
Coming from someone who has personally dealt with horrible stepparents, this was completely and utterly disrespectful in every meaning of the word.

My best wishes to your and your wife, I pray the rest of your lives be filled with Blessings of Health, Happiness, Peace and Love
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10. AITJ For Moving Out Today Without Warning?

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“My fiancé and I were letting a friend live with us. For a few months. It has turned into almost a year.

This friend has been inconsiderate, obnoxious and all he and my partner now do is play video games and watch TV.

I had it today when they decided to binge watch a tv show after my fiancé, and I had plans with my family.

I went to my family event and told my aunt about my troubles.

She agreed that I could stay with her.

I packed a suitcase while my fiancé and friends watched TV. They didn’t even notice.

Finally, after I got to my aunts, he texts me, “When you will be home. I want to get pizza for us all.”

I said I was home, and I’m moving out, and we are breaking up. I have repeatedly talked to him about ignoring me in favor of his friend.

He’s now crying a river saying he will change, but I’m just done. I don’t care if he loves me or not. I have been telling him for almost a year about this.

Am I the jerk in how I handled this?”

Another User Comments:
“Not the jerk. Not even a little.

I had to do something similar with my SO too. After months of telling him we needed to move out of his mother’s place – I lost my job and we had no place else to go- I came home packed a bag and told him we were going to the courthouse to get the divorce paperwork.

I was done too.

We give, they take. They take and we keep on giving. You had to draw line in the sand. You had to say ‘when’. Why? Because at some point you have to decide what is best for you. Being someone’s last choice wasn’t an option for me. It sounds like it isn’t an option for you either.

Does it matter to you if the friend is told to leave? Is there are a list of things that your former fiancé has to do in order for you to return?

I heard a therapist say once, ‘Women are ‘done’ and then women are ‘finished.’ Once they’re ‘finished’ it’s over.

End of story”

So my question is; are you done or are you finished?” FL1ghtlesswaterfowl

Another User Comments:
“NTJ – The friend thing was supposed to be temporary, it’s a year and he’s still there. You asked repeatedly when he was leaving and nothing happened. Your ex chose to hang with his buddy rather than go celebrate Christmas with your family.

Your aunt gave you an unexpected lifeline so you packed and left.

Your ex didn’t even notice because he was having too much fun with his buddy. When he finally called, and you told him you’re through now he’s crying. He claims he will change, he had a year to change. This is completely on your ex. He cared more about his friend than about you.” nickis84

Another User Comments:
“Your ex has had months to straighten up and get this friend out of the house.

He made his choice and you made yours and now everyone has to deal with the consequences. In your case, it means not having to deal with a man who clearly prioritizes video games and his friend over his once future wife and family. NTJ. Just make sure you’re not responsible for any rent/mortgage on that old place. If you are you may need to give official notice to get your name off the lease/mortgage.

Also cut any financial ties, joint accounts asap and change all passwords to your financial and social services.” WinEquivalent4069

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Good for you for getting out of there, you tried having the conversations and nothing changed. yYou did communicate your issues so it wasn’t a complete blindside- your man continued to ignore you after you brought it up so you did the right thing by leaving.

a lot of times it takes losing someone to realize how much you messed up.” localpoppy

Another User Comments:
“If he was going to change for the right reasons, then he would have changed any time in the past year. If he changes now, it’ll only be because he ignored you so long that you left him and his pride is hurt. That’s not a healthy dynamic – it means you will have to always be the bad guy in the relationship and that nothing ever gets done until you have been pushed to the absolute breaking point. This is no way to live.

NTJ and enjoy living your new life.” woodwitchofthewest

3 points (5 votes)
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masp1 4 months ago
Why do woman think it is wrong to dump family and toxicity? My childhood best friend, who I recently reconnect with, is always desperate to be in a relationship no matter the cost and in her mind family should never be dumped, even abusive ones.

It is sad. The new one is in jail and has been many times. Her response, " I can't just leave him like that in his time of need." Ummmmmmmmm, yes you can and should!!!!!! "You can't disown your family it is your family. " Even though my dad threw me against the wall and I have medical issue now. Yes, i can and i did. SMDH! reeks of low self esteem and desperation. I don't need a man to survive. Never did never will. A man should be in your life because you want him to not because you need him to.
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9. AITJ For How I Handled Taking Down The Tree?

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“So my significant other hates Christmas, he doesn’t like giving or receiving gifts or any of the festive traditions. We’ve been saying for 4 years and he knows I love Christmas so he plays along.

Well, last night we agreed we’d take the tree down next week, but when we came downstairs today he started taking everything down. His reasoning is ‘Christmas is over and the tree takes up space’.

Now here’s the thing, a lot of the ornaments are like family heirlooms, most of them are older or the same age as me (24) or were hand-made by my deceased grandmother. My significant other started just tossing the ornaments on the table, which started stressing me out. I was telling him to stop, to calm down, or either move and I’ll put everything away. He was getting angry and started yelling at me because I’m ‘trying to keep the tree up’.

Well, you probably guessed it. He threw an ornament and it broke. It was one of my grandmother’s handmade ones. I took one look and just broke down. Like ugly crying. He started getting more mad telling me I’m being childish and stupid for getting upset about the tree. I feel like I’m the jerk because I started yelling at him to step away from the tree.

After all, he was going to break more ornaments, and when he wouldn’t and kept calling me childish, I kept yelling at him telling him he’s being a jerk.

After he put everything away he tried to talk to me, still telling me I was being childish and stupid about the tree and ornament. I get how it might be childish, but I don’t have memories of my grandmother, but I have a picture, and growing up, whenever I was sad I would hug and talk to her.

I only have a small amount of jewelry or handmade ornaments or trinkets from her that is extremely special to me. So I don’t know if I’m just being stupid and blowing things up.

Edit: the ornament is fixable, it was a handmade clay wreath, and luckily only part of the bow and the part you hang on the tree broke off, which I can fix.

To all those showing concern; my significant other is NEVER like this, he’s always shown me, my belongings, and my family respect.

He has no Christmas trauma, and despite not liking Christmas, he has ALWAYS put an effort into doing my Christmas traditions. That’s partly why I was so confused about if I was the jerk because this was so out of the normal for our relationship.

He went upstairs for an hour and when he came back he apologized. He said he was getting stressed and frustrated about me yelling, and he wasn’t being as careful as he should of because of it.

He said it really was an accident and that he felt bad about breaking the ornament.

I’m planning on having a discussion with him, like the way he handled the situation wasn’t right, and we’ll see how things go.”

Another User Comments:
“My husband doesn’t have strong feelings for Christmas. It’s my absolute favorite. Christmas annoys my husband. He is Jewish so it was never a huge thing for him.

He didn’t have trees growing up. He doesn’t like most of the music. He doesn’t like putting effort into it. It’s just not his thing.

But I love it. I’m a Christmas person. I love the music. The decorations. Wrapping presents. All of it.

But my husband does it all for me. He helps me put up lights and decorations. He gets me a new ornament each year.

He helps me put decorations away.

This year we’re in the process of buying a house so I decided it wasn’t worth spending $100 on a tree with all the house expenses coming up. My dear sweet husband offered to get us one anyway using funds he has stored away for emergencies. He knows it means that much to me.

Ultimately we agreed to no tree and to save the $.

But the fact he was willing to do all this for me because he knows it means so much to me is what’s important here.

Being in a relationship means doing things you don’t always adore for your SO. Especially things that don’t hurt you.

So OP, NTJ. Even without the breaking of your precious heirloom ornament, he’s treating you and your feelings like garbage. And that’s not healthy at all.” alana_r_dray

Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You two agreed on putting it down next week, he did it earlier and when you asked him to be careful or step away so you could do it carefully he lost his mind.

I get how him handling your grandmother’s handmade memories like they’re worth nothing stressed you out, and even tho yelling wasn’t the best way to deal with it, he still hasn’t the right to destroy your stuff.

He’s also trying to make you feel bad because you were crying, he KNOWS it’s not for the tree but because of the ornaments. But he wants you to feel guilty and makes you look like an idiot on purpose.

I also don’t get why a Christmas tree is making him this angry. He can dislike Christmas without being mad at everything Christmasy.

Edit: He sounds really abusive, be careful and maybe think about if you really want to be in a relationship with someone like him.” InitiativeUnlucky461

Another User Comments:
“NTJ and you misspelled ‘ex-signfiicant other’. He knows that Christmas is important to you, that the decorations are important to you, and that the ornaments are important to you.

What he has shown you with his actions is that he doesn’t care about any of that. He wants you to know that his feelings on disliking Christmas trump yours.

I have fragile ornaments from deceased family members as well. If a partner of mine broke one in anger after I said to step off then called me childish for being upset about it you better believe I would be spending New Years single and happy for it.

The problem is not that he hates Christmas (though let is honest, that’s never a good sign), the problem is that he disregarded your feelings, disrespected your property, and gaslit you when you confronted him about it.

Get yourself a late Christmas present. Get a new partner.” FedExterminator

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your partner went against your agreement and deliberately handled your heirlooms in ways likely to damage them.

And he knew full well that he was doing it (otherwise, he would have immediately apologized upon accidentally breaking one).

He did this deliberately to cause you distress and to establish control. You can tell this because he berated you for being upset. He pretended that you were upset about a tree when you very clearly and specifically were upset about your loss of connection to your grandmother. (BTW, if the tree is ‘stupid’ and ‘childish’, why was it so urgent that he take it down right away?)

He is controlling and manipulative and you need to get out of this relationship. I don’t care if he is ‘otherwise great’, he is abusive and this is very dangerous.” DinaFelice

3 points (3 votes)
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ang 4 months ago
He broke a deal, wouldn't stop, yelled at you for crying, broke a heirloom ornament... you can do better.
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8. AITJ For Not Attending To A Guest Who Had Special Needs At My Wedding?

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“I (33F) got married two years ago. The wedding was pretty big – 150 guests – and my husband and I saved for years to be able to afford it without financial help from our families.

I’ve had a friend ‘Ruth’ for about five years. We met while working together and remained friendly even when she left for a different job. When we worked together, she had just received a diagnosis of autism plus a personality disorder and was able to function without a lot of accommodations.

Things changed in later years though. She began to really struggle with overstimulation and scary internal thoughts. She was hospitalized several times. Eventually, she found stable employment but still has flare-ups of psychiatric issues from time to time. I’m not gonna lie, at times it has felt like our friendship is very one-sided with me taking care of her a lot — but she doesn’t have many other friends in her life even though she’s a genuinely kind and caring person.

So I didn’t want to abandon her.

Before the wedding, I told Ruth several times exactly what the wedding vibe would be – lots of people, a DJ, drinking, etc. I told her I would totally understand if she was unable to attend because it would be overstimulating. Tbh, I kind of had a feeling she wouldn’t be able to handle it. I was trying to give her an ‘out’.

But she insisted on coming.

Well… things did not go well. Ruth handled the ceremony ok but as soon as dinner and dancing started, she hyperventilated and had a meltdown. One of the caterers called an ambulance. The ambulance came, the paramedics attended to Ruth, and she ended up getting dropped off at home by a friend.

I feel so guilty and ashamed to admit I was extremely angry with Ruth.

Her incident was basically the spotlight/center of my wedding reception. Even after she left, people were really shaken and not in the mood to celebrate at all. When I called her after the wedding, she basically blamed me and said I wasn’t attentive to her during the time she was at the wedding. I didn’t check in with her to see how she was handling it or if she needed anything.

I said I was sorry she was overwhelmed, but it wasn’t possible for me to check in on her with 150 other people there (plus it was my own wedding!).

Our friendship has been tense ever since this happened. I think she is still holding onto hurt that I wasn’t attentive enough to her needs. AITJ here?”

Another User Comments:
“Yikes, I was prepared to think that you were the jerk based on the title, but definitely NTJ.

I’m sorry that happened on your wedding day. I’m sorry that Ruth not only didn’t apologize for not being realistic about her requirements but then went so far as to blame you. I’m sorry the friendship has run its course, as it should when it is incredibly one-sided and lacks accountability.” AdventuresofRikke

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

She’s a grown adult. Disability or not, it’s her responsibility to handle herself.

It was on her to make a reasonable judgment on whether she could handle something or not, and either remove herself from the situation or decline to invite altogether.

She was extremely selfish for knowingly putting herself in this situation, and to make matters worse, she doesn’t even have the decency to be apologetic about the disruption she caused. She ruined your wedding and then has the nerve to blame YOU for HER behavior.

As if you had nothing better to do on your own wedding day than babysit her as if she should be the center of attention.

Given her blaming you even after the fact, it wouldn’t surprise me at all if it turned out she faked the whole thing. Regardless, she isn’t worth being friends with.” Maskydoo

Another User Comments:
“The whole ‘my wedding must be perfect’ is really weird to me.

However, even ‘cheap’ weddings should be a big deal since you’re meant to be celebrating your or a loved ones’ commitment. The thing that stands out for me here is this… I’ve had a lot of experience with Autism and meltdowns. And unless we’re talking toddlers, meltdowns only really happen when the person can’t get away from the stimulus. If she’s typical functional enough to hold down a job, then she’s probably typical functional enough to recognize overstimulation as it’s occurring and just leave.

Sometimes not, cause it can be quick. A bit like migraines, if you pay attention to the warning signs you can sometimes mitigate the effect. But your friend telling you it’s your fault because you didn’t give her enough attention? That actually sounds really deliberate to me. NTJ. Also, you know you’re not obliged to be friends with anyone, right? Friendship needs to be something both sides get joy from.

When it’s not working, and can’t be resolved, it’s ok to walk away.” Significant-Spite-72

Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I’m so sorry. As a person with some challenges myself (C-PTSD/anxiety), it is so important for us to take responsibility for our choices when attending events/situations which might be problematic. Until she’s ready to take accountability for herself, I think it’s okay to take some space. At some point, people have to know how to advocate for themselves; it would have been reasonable for her to say ‘I’m going to attend the wedding and will leave before the reception’ or ‘I’ll be with you in spirit’.” pdxflwerpwer

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

You were busy getting married and hosting 150 people. 150! You are the last person who could be expected to ‘babysit’ any one person on the day. I bet she wasn’t the only person there with mental or other problems, but she is the only one who expected you to shoulder responsibility for them on your wedding day.

Poor mental health can make you self-centered and selfish because you’re always preoccupied with how awful you feel and how tough things are for you, and she has certainly most selfishly made your wedding day all about her in her mind.” Notendanafn1

3 points (5 votes)
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jasn 4 months ago
Ultimately, it was on her to take care of herself. You couldn't be expected to babysit her on your wedding day. She was warned of the possible triggers and she chose to attend anyway. She should have attended the ceremony , made an appearance at the reception and left.
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7. AITJ For Not Giving My Partner "Real Gifts"?

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“I (f26) have been together with my significant other (m27) for about 10 months so this was our first Christmas together. For context, we both make a good income. I also have a passionate hobby of making candles, which I often gift to friends and family.

For my work’s Christmas party (end of November) we had a raffle, with the prize being a Nintendo switch, something my partner was considering getting himself.

I ended up winning and immediately thought he’d love it. I also wanted to make him two candles, one with the main scents of the perfume that I wear that he likes, and the second of scents that he likes. I thought these would be great presents. When opening my presents, he was excited about the Nintendo Switch but didn’t seem that excited about the candles.

I wrote little notes with the candles but he barely even glanced at them. I opened my presents and was super grateful, but then he said he had something to say because it was upsetting him and he wanted us to be able to communicate with each other.

He was upset that I had only gotten him ‘one real gift’ when he got me 3, which made him feel underappreciated.

I was confused because I thought the candles were ‘real’ gifts but asked him what was a ‘real’ gift. He said it was something you put budget and thought into, and that it shouldn’t be something he could get if he just asked me for free. I was kinda offended and said that the Nintendo must not be a real gift because I didn’t pay for it but got it from work.

He got upset, insinuated that I’d left his gift last minute, and was getting defensive over it before leaving. We haven’t spoken since.”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He has a lot of growing up to do. First of all keeping score about ‘real gifts’ vs ones you have made is shallow and materialistic. And the joy at Christmas is supposed to be about others and not a scorecard for who got more gifts, particularly among couples. You put together a thoughtful gift, and wrote hand notes on the candles, in my mind that’s a lot better gift than another sweater or a pair of pants. You put time and effort into the candles and that matters.

His actions and words show you who he is and what his values are. Up to you how you want to deal with that.” PilotEnvironmental46

3 points (3 votes)
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SunnyDuckling611 4 months ago (Edited)
In my experience people are usually pleased when they are able to gift someone something more than they received. My mom always complained that my dad would "one up her" because he got her more. She wished she could do more. But they ALWAYS appreciated the gifts they got each other. My dad just wanted to be the moncho one lol.
It's honestly a shame you gave him the Switch, I wouldn't speak to him again.

By the way, my husband will tell you himself his favorite gift, he has ever received from anyone, was a handmade candle in a decorative holder, that I made for him. That literally cost me nothing, and he knows it. Why you ask? Because I took the time to make it, specifically thinking of him the whole time, that was the sweetest thing to him. He was 17 years old when I gave it to him. He still has it, he has only lit it for a singular second, and blew it right back out, I had talked him into it. He wants to preserve it, keep it forever as a token of my love for him

Also worth noting, we've been together 11 years now, there have been many years I couldn't get him anything for birthdays or Christmas, due to my health I can't work much, so he supports me. I usually find a small cleaning gig to get him something, but he always understands and despite me assuring him that I don't need anything, he usually always gets me something, because THATS what makes him happy, not getting something from me, but giving me something. Heck. This year he knew I wasn't able to pull a side gig, asked me multiple times, you DID NOT get me anything right?? Okay good! I don't think I can get you anything either. He lied, on Christmas Eve he surprised me with a memory card I really needed, seeing as I take too many pictures of our daughter lol, I was happy and he was all, I'm sorry it's not much, and something you needed more than wanted, I said are you serious? I do WANT this, now I can continue doing what I love, taking photos of all our precious memories! Then again on Christmas day, surprised me with another small gift, did make me sad I couldn't get him something, but he was so utterly happy that even though our finances are tight, he managed to get me a couple of gifts, he is truly amazing, that's what makes him happy. Find you someone like that, we all deserve a good one
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6. AITJ For Destroying Family Christmas?

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“I’ve been with my wife for about five years, married two and we have a one-year-old son. My mom is the type of person who doesn’t like change, doesn’t like new people, and keeps to herself. That being said she isn’t controlling and doesn’t seem to care what her kids do with their lives, but she doesn’t like when she feels things are pushed on her.

She is also someone who will just keep doing what she does without thinking, so when she continued to buy me lavish gifts, but nothing for my wife or baby, I didn’t think it was malicious, but it hurt my wife that even after marriage my mom wasn’t buying her gifts.

I sat down with my mom and explained this. My mom was totally shocked and couldn’t believe my wife expected a gift.

I tried to explain that my wife is part of the family now, but my mom was upset and said she has three kids and shouldn’t have to pretend my wife is her kid. She really seemed surprised, so I do think that was genuine, and she kept saying how mortified she would be if her husband expected gifts from her parents and that she wouldn’t be with such an ‘entitled child’.

Finally, I told my mom to just stop. It is ok if she has a difference of opinion, but she is hurting my wife and it needs to stop. My mom thought about it for a couple of months, talked to my sisters (who said she should just suck it up and buy gits for our partners) and her ultimate decision was that she didn’t want to host Christmas anymore.

I thought she was bluffing, so I ignored it for months. I realized she was serious and said fine we can do it at my house, but she didn’t want to come. I mailed her a small gift as a test, she mailed it back. Finally, I was like screw it and did Christmas with my wife, sisters, and their partners.

Both of my sisters were miserable the whole time and one cried which I thought was crazy dramatic.

My mom was on vacation and had her phone off. The sister who cried finally blew up that my wife and I ruined Christmas and ruined our family and she left early. She and my other sister called out mom later and finally got her to answer, and begged her to do a ‘normal’ Christmas again, and my mom said she feels like now that we are all getting married and having kids it shouldn’t be her ‘problem’ anymore and she will think about it but is leaning towards me.

Now my sisters are angry and feel that I ruined family Christmas.”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your family sounds exhausting. Getting a present for the partners of your children isn’t that strange and frankly, it’s weird that your mom hadn’t considered it before. And your sister going into hysterics because your mom went on vacation and wasn’t there seems ridiculous. Everyone needs to calm down. Maybe consider heading out of town with your wife next year and escaping the holiday drama.” Allaboutbird

Another User Comments:
“Hubby and I are both neurodivergent.

And I’ll admit, when I was younger, I didn’t like when my brother’s partner’s family would come to family events.

The difference? I was a freakin teenager back then. By the time his now-wife (who I adore) started coming to family events, I was in my early 20’s and went, ‘Hey, it’s totally unfair for me to just demand things never change. I need to give new people a chance, even if it makes me uncomfortable for a while.’ And my life’s been better for it.

Or when DH and I moved from my hometown to his a few years back, across the country. I’m used to lavish Thanksgiving dinner, where Mom gets out the good china and silverware, there’s nice music in the background and the TV is off, everyone’s around the same table, etc, etc.

My husband’s family does things differently. It’s buffet-style, on paper plates (for ease of clean-up). The football game is on.

Some people are in the living room, some are in the dining room. It’s not an unpleasant experience, it’s just very very different. That first year, I retreated and my mom FaceTimed me so I could say hi to my west-coast family. There was good china and silverware and nice music and everyone at the same table. And I just burst into tears. I hated my in-laws’ Thanksgiving and went, ‘Ours is so much better…’

But now we compromise.

My folks do every other year with us, and it’s more traditional. My in-laws even said they also like how we do things. But I’ve also grown to respect and enjoy the way my in-laws do things.

I don’t throw a fit during the years my folks aren’t here. I don’t demand everyone change all of the time. Because being neurodivergent is NOT an excuse to hold everyone hostage.” BabserellaWT

Another User Comments:
“I think it just depends on the family dynamics.

My maternal grandparents didn’t buy presents for my dad (nor did they for my aunts who married my uncles) and vice versa, even though everyone got along splendidly and everyone had the means to do so. I will say that it sounds like OP’s siblings are married or in long-term relationships though, so this should not have been too big of a surprise that the mom didn’t want to exchange gifts.

Mom is being a drama queen and so are the siblings, but you can’t force someone into giving you a gift either. OP said it was fine for the mom to have a difference of opinion, but then said it had to stop (which to me means you have to start buying her a gift; that doesn’t solve anything because who wants a gift from someone who was browbeaten into giving it?). I’m more shocked that the grandma doesn’t buy a gift for the grandkid than anything.” Kasparian

2 points (2 votes)
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SiriusLee 4 months ago
My ex's mother-in-law always gave me gifts at Christmas and my birthday. I was family. She loved me. And SHE was a nice, loving lady. She's been gone many years not and I miss HER and not the ex.
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5. AITJ For Ruining Christmas Over A Necklace I Found In My Husband's Safe?

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“So, a month ago I found a necklace in my husband’s safe. I wasn’t trying to snoop but I needed my passport and he keeps it in there and since he wasn’t home, I got it myself. I assumed it was my Christmas present since that’s usually the type of thing he gives me for Christmas.

Well, I didn’t get the necklace for Christmas so I was really curious about who it was for so I asked him.

He denied its existence and when I insisted I had seen the necklace he got angry and told me not to snoop in his office or be safe again. He even said he would change the code as soon as we were home. I know what I saw so I got angry too and we had a huge fight.

This all happened at my in-law’s house where we were spending the holidays.

It pretty ruined things for everyone since he was acting cold towards me the whole day and even my in-laws noticed and kept asking me what happened.

I did tell my mother-in-law who told me exactly who/what the necklace was for which made me feel even worse about asking. It was for me but not for Christmas. They have a family tradition that I didn’t know about and it was supposed to be a surprise.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“A normal appropriate reaction between two adults to having a surprise ruined is saying something like, ‘Oh bummer, that was supposed to be a surprise’.

Your husband’s reaction is not normal nor appropriate. You are most definitely NTJ, and you deserve an apology.

Also, your husband needs to find a more appropriate place to hide gifts. The safe where you keep other important items is not that.” 20InMyHead

Another User Comments:
“Overall definitely NTJ.

You had the code for the safe and needed YOUR passport. Why would you not be allowed to access the area with your personal identification? Is he controlling access to your personal documents? If so, that’s a huge red flag for abuse. If he’s going to have a problem with you ‘snooping’ it sounds like you should move your personal things into a different spot. And then lying about the existence of a necklace you saw is entering the gaslighting territory.

Hope you’re okay OP, there are some concerning red flags here.

Edit: it sounds like he wasn’t being nefarious if the necklace was for you for a later occasion, but he shouldn’t be storing stuff he doesn’t want you to find in a safe that you have access to and that contains your personal documents. You shouldn’t need permission to access these important things and you either need to move them to your own space or get a common safe for both your things that you have equal access to.

And even if he wasn’t being intentionally gaslighting by denying the necklace existed, it’s absolutely the wrong way to handle it. He should have explained what happened, and he would have been fine to be frustrated that his surprise was ruined but ultimately it’s not worth the fight and he’ll know how to plan it better next time. Still NTJ, you did nothing wrong IMO.” baearthur3

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

Your husband handled this badly, really badly. You shouldn’t have to ask to access your passport. That’s unreasonable. I can see where your husband thought the safe was a good hiding spot, but it wasn’t, and oh well. I also think it’s reasonable you asked about the necklace—if my husband purchased a necklace valuable enough to put in a safe and I didn’t get it at the next holiday and neither did my MIL? Yeah, I’d ask.

Your husband, however, is acting like you actually committed a crime by getting your passport from the safe that you had the code for. And his immediate reaction is to change the code so you no longer have access? I get he’s upset that the surprise is ruined, but it was an accident and you’re not at fault. His reaction is over-the-top and he owes you an apology for his behavior.” PetuniaGoBlue

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

But are you sure your MIL isn’t just covering for her son? Because doesn’t it seem weird that they have some special family necklace tradition you haven’t been told about? Also… your husband’s reaction is off. Why is he accusing you of snooping and threatening to change the code? Why wouldn’t he just say ‘the necklace is for later and you’ll know about it when it’s the right time…’ or something like that if it was a surprise.

I certainly think it’s odd he let it devolve into an argument if he’s not keeping something.” Signature-Disastrous

Another User Comments:
“It sounds as if you assumed the necklace was for someone else after your husband stonewalled about it. Granted, he should have just said it was supposed to be a surprise for you for later and maybe kept that actual occasion it would be gifted a secret.

He’s denying its very existence would get anyone to think he had something going on outside the marriage. But is that what he is actually angry about, that you could suspect him of having a mistress?

Since the necklace is an heirloom I assume it looks like an antique, certainly not something he picked up at a local jewelry store. MIL knew exactly what it looked like. I think people suggesting that MIL made up a story on the spot and that her son had told her about the necklace for his side piece in great detail is ridiculous.” Sk8rknitr

2 points (6 votes)
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StumpyOne 4 months ago (Edited)
I just think its absolutely stupid he couldn't (wouldn't) just tell you it was for this "family tradition" thing if that's REALLY a thing. It sounds like garbage. NTJ also, how long have you been married? How did you not know about this type of thing? I think its a load of caca
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4. AITJ For Calling Out My Mother-In-Law For Bringing Her Husband A Separate Food?

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“We did Christmas at our house for the first time ever. MIL doesn’t really like my cooking and it has been a huge issue between me and her, and her and her son. It is really just the icing on the cake of a bad relationship.

MIL called me and told me that if we wanted her to come to Christmas we had to accept her bringing her own food because she is pregnant, she already struggles with eating enough for the baby, and she isn’t going to eat anything she doesn’t want to and maybe throw up to ‘stroke my ego’.

I’ve never been pregnant before. I really don’t know what it is like, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt and told her to bring whatever she needs. MIL brought a separate meal for herself and her husband. That annoyed me because he is not pregnant. He can suck it up and eat something he isn’t crazy about.

When we sat down I made a joke about which one of them is pregnant.

MIL said that she was packing her meal and he got jealous and was complaining it wasn’t fair. This obviously hurt me. He tried to laugh it off and say he should get some perks too because he’s about to be a dad.

I looked at them and said ‘Wow, you are both super rude. I tried to be nice because you are pregnant, but wow, maybe next year just don’t come.’

MIL just shrugged.

He rolled his eyes, but dinner was kind of tense and they left right after. My husband says I overreacted and should have just let him eat what he wanted.”

Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I’m sorry your MIL doesn’t like your cooking. I’m sorry that your FIL doesn’t like it either. But you can’t make grown-ups ‘suck it up’ and eat food they don’t like (you can do that with your own children, but that’s complicated and often not a great idea either).

The fact that this has been some kind of power struggle between you and your MIL is utterly ridiculous. You should treat this as you would any other food restriction or preference and either make a good-faith effort to accommodate them or let them bring their own food without resentment.” DinaFelice

Another User Comments:
“YTJ for reacting the way that you did for someone bringing their own food to an event, yes, but WOW everyone here is toxic.

What your MIL said to you about ‘stroking your ego’ was trashy, but judging by your ‘icing on the cake of a bad relationship’ comment I am guessing it was earned at some point.

Just look at the post from the other side. We see a lot of posts about guests demanding certain foods or not being happy with the selection and the comments always say something along the lines of ‘if you aren’t happy with the food, bring your own next time.’ Your MIL literally did bring her own food and you’re still annoyed about it.

I think if this had been a different family member you wouldn’t have made a big deal out of it, but because it’s your MIL whom you obviously don’t like, you had to make a scene to vilify them.

My cousin is pregnant and her husband is a picky eater. They brought their own food and miraculously, neither I nor anyone else at dinner made a comment about it! It’s not hard to be accommodating when someone literally accommodates themselves.

You’re not wrong for being offended at your MIL’s comments to you, but that’s not what you asked. You asked if you were a jerk for calling her out on bringing her own food, and yes, yes you are.” FedExterminator

Another User Comments:
“ESH. If they don’t like your cooking then they don’t like your cooking. The way they went about it was rude, but realistically, they should be allowed to eat whatever they want.

People bring food to events all of the time. Most people are subtle about it and don’t draw attention to it, but it happens more often than you think. I struggle to eat some members of my family’s food, so I tend to bring an appetizer plate ‘to chip in’ and mostly just eat that while I push around their food to make it look like I ate it.

If they have a history of being jerks, then at a certain point you need to stand up for yourself and stop contributing to this petty nonsense.

You picked a bad time to finally grow a pair because food should not be something that is an argument, especially while someone is pregnant. If this is just another dig at you from in-laws that don’t like you, then stand up for yourself, but leave eating habits and food preferences out of it.

Wanting someone to ‘suck it up’ and eat something they don’t like shouldn’t be as normal as it is. No one should be forced to eat something they don’t like.

You make food that you KNOW she doesn’t like, you admit yourself that you make easy and quick food, you don’t put that much effort into the cooking, and are SURPRISED when she doesn’t like it? YTJ here oh my god lol.” MorgTay

Another User Comments:
“ESH.

She was extremely rude about it, but you either have different tastes or your cooking isn’t up to snuff. No one should have to eat an entire meal that they don’t like, but it’s customary to have what my friends and I call a ‘no thank you bite’ OR put the blame on yourself to remain polite. Rather than what she said, it would be more gracious to say ‘Oh you know, the pregnancy makes my stomach flip’ or ‘husband has texture issues/doesn’t like many kinds of food’.

Her lack of tact makes her a jerk.

You’re one for calling it out and going nuclear over it. You could have just noted that they wouldn’t eat whatever you cook and acted accordingly, rather than saying they shouldn’t even come next year. So what if they don’t want to eat your cooking? No one should have to eat something they find disgusting to make you happy.” Massive-Emergency-42

2 points (2 votes)
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Lori 4 months ago
Oh please people, mil is a jerk. You NEVER tell people that you don't like their food! Saying that you're used to spicier stuff or whatever should be acceptable, IF you really need to say, and by all means, bring a dish or two, but enough for EVERYONE. If you need to bring your own meal when someone invites you to dinner, unless it's really specific food for a medical condition or allergy, you need to just NOT ACCEPT
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3. AITJ For Getting A Hotel Room?

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“My partner (30F) and I (30M) flew halfway across the country to visit her family for Christmas.

I sustained a serious back injury at work at the end of September and have just recently started gaining mobility again after many painful months. They were aware of my injury and we even expressed our concerns about traveling because of it.

Her parents are very traditional and refuse to allow unmarried couples to sleep in the same bed or room, even though they know we live together and have visited our house in the past.

Because of this, I was forced to sleep in the underground bedroom on a twin mattress that was at least 20 years old. I should also mention that I am 6’3″ and do not fit on a twin mattress at all.

The first night was so incredibly painful and caused my entire right leg to go numb and I essentially got no sleep. We decided to get a hotel room after that so that I could actually sleep on a decent mattress that didn’t make my injury worse.

When I explained this to my partner’s mother she insisted that I just needed to adjust the mattress in the basement and that I was being ridiculous. I was firm but polite about it and she seemed to be fine with it after that.

Well, when it came time to head over to the hotel for the night she freaked out. She apparently didn’t know my partner was also staying at the hotel.

She told my partner that she “Didn’t raise her like this” and then just sulked in the living room while we packed our bags.

Apparently, after we left she spent the rest of the night crying. All I wanted to do was sleep in a bed that I could actually fit on and didn’t cause active nerve pain in my leg. So AITJ here?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They are very poor hosts to have such an uncomfortable bed for a guest.

If she knows you live together, does she spend every night crying because you’re sleeping in the same bed in your own home? Or does she only cry when you sleep together in her city?

‘My house, my rules’ goes a long way with me so I’ll buy the separate rooms under their roof but to sob all night because you’re doing something that you do every night anyway is just silly.

I shut down my holier-than-thou and not terribly bright FSIL who chided me for sharing a hotel room with my soon to be husband-that it was a sin. I asked her if sleeping on the same mattress was a sin and she said no, it was having intercourse. At which point I asked her how she knew we were having intercourse? That wasn’t it possible we were just sleeping with no carnal relations going on? And that her assumption that something was going on had more to do with her dirty mind than anything and perhaps she should reflect on why she assumed the worst and attributed sin to us where there was no evidence that one existed.” ohsogreen

Another User Comments:
“Getting a hotel sounds like a perfectly reasonable compromise.

I personally believe people that double down on their adult children in long term relationships (but not married) not sleeping in the same bed together at their house isn’t about being old fashioned or religious, but about exerting control and imposing their will upon their children in some kind of screwed up power play – and tbh your MIL’s response to you guys getting a hotel proves that.

NTJ and stand your ground. MIL needs to know that y’all are adults and she’s not in control. Set firm boundaries now so it makes it harder for her to stomp all over them in the future.” TATastyFood

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. So they profess concern about your back before you even arrived, then offer a small old mattress in the basement. You play ball for the first night and know you can’t do it again, and when you mention it you’re offered the extremely reasonable solution of ‘adjusting the mattress’, which I’d love to see in action.

So MIL says fine you can go but has the real freak out when her daughter decides to go with you NATURALLY because why not you’re spending on the room and you already LIVE TOGETHER.

Back issues aside you two would be within your rights to spend the night in a hotel room you paid for if you so chose when visiting” dart1126

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s one thing to be super conservative and not allow unmarried partners to sleep together; it’s another to not even provide guests with decent beds.

If they can’t even accommodate their guests properly, they shouldn’t be hosting guests at all. Mattresses are not meant to last over 10 years normally. They start getting lumpy and grow bacteria after a while. It’s disgusting to expect guests to sleep on that. We just recently bought a new mattress for my in-laws and they only visit for a total of one month every year on average. We felt bad that they had to sleep on an 8 years old memory foam mattress that was too soft for their preference that they ended up with back pains.” Special-Cat7540

2 points (2 votes)
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jasn 4 months ago
Mom wanted to control the daughter but the daughter is an adult. Yes, she had every right to enforce her rules in her house but you and the daughter also had the right to make your own arrangements.
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2. AITJ For Picking A Fight With My Dad Over A Used Pad?

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“My 12-year-old sister got her first period a few days ago. It was rather stressful for her since her whole life she’s lived in a house with no other women. With the help of a few female friends, I ended up getting her all the stuff she needed and a few friends taught her what she needed to know. It was a rough start with lots of cleaning, but she’s gotten the hang of it.

My dad didn’t help much, in fact, I don’t think he even knew she had gotten her period before today when he saw a used pad in the bathroom trash, I heard him complaining about it to my sister and I stepped in.

I was already irritated as about 20 minutes before that me and my dad got into a light argument. He was saying she shouldn’t just be ‘laying these around’ and he didn’t want to see bloody products in his bathroom.

I told him that it wasn’t a big deal, it was one pad with some toilet paper on top. If it bothered him so much all he had to do was take some more toilet paper and shove it down. That’s when the argument got worse, and we were both borderline yellings at each other. When I said:

‘This whole thing is stupid, it’s just a little bit of blood.

It was in the trash and was mostly covered. Grow up.’

He didn’t take kindly to that and bit back saying it’s not immature for him not to want my sister’s blood-stained pads around his space as well. That it’s gross and isn’t his problem so he shouldn’t have to see it.

I was already annoyed, and it’s not like I know what I’m talking about when it comes to periods and such, in hindsight that probably didn’t need to escalate to that big of a fight.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

Shaming your sister was a childish and pathetic thing to do. I’m not sure why there weren’t any women to help your sister out, but you’re a rockstar for stepping up.

Your dad was raised in a patriarchal culture that taught us to be grossed out by things that are a normal part of life in order to make women feel ‘less than’ and to hide menstruation in shame.

It’s BS and I’m glad to hear about young men like yourself stepping up and being ‘the adult’ in these situations.

That said, finding a way to bring your dad around to being more supportive through calmer conversations and providing information might be the longer goal. In the meantime, keep doing what you’re doing.” grownedup

Another User Comments:
“You are absolutely NTJ. You’re a great brother, looking out for your little sister and not wanting her to be ashamed over something that can be unnerving for a lot of girls.

You did great. As for your dad, you were right: he’s behaving less maturely than you are. And if he had concerns about how your sister discards her pads, then maybe he could have stepped up as her parent and had a proper conversation with her about wrapping her pads before throwing them out… and everything else that he SHOULD have been helping her with, and instead left up to his teenaged son and a bunch of your friends.

He doesn’t get to make a fuss when he can’t even be arsed to do the bare minimum as a single parent of a daughter, to make sure that she’s okay and has had everything properly explained to her. You are NTJ, but he certainly is.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU

Another User Comments:
“NTJ – period shame is a horrible, damaging thing, causing mental health struggles, addiction, and high levels of self-hate (I have academic research on the topic).

You are being a fab big brother – keep defending her. Things happen and your sis will probably sometimes leak on bedsheets/ clothes at some point (pretty much everyone does, particularly as teenagers, though some of us aren’t lucky and struggle with this as adults too. If your dad finds the pad disgusting, she’s going to need your support in the future.

Besides – nobody would be alive if it wasn’t for women bleeding – your dad seriously needs to grow up!” Think-Professional-2

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

Your dad is immature.

So since your sister can’t just ask a woman which sucks.

Unfortunately, periods suck badly and cramps are the worst. Make sure you’ve got a bottle of the child (no offense to her on the child part) friendly painkillers cause some aren’t meant for anyone under 15. Midol (yes I’m aging myself here) is still around and really good for cramps. Chocolate is your friend.

And surprisingly matcha too. Yes, the Japanese stuff. I typically get an iced matcha latte and it helps with cramps for me. Hot baths and showers too. And I suggest sleeping with a towel under her for the first few months while her body evens out the hormones.

Pads are my favorite tbh. I don’t like wings but it may help her at first.

For disposing of, I typically wrap the used pad in the replacement pads plastic wrap and shove it down into the trash can if I can.

I often don’t use toilet paper not to waste any.

And remind her to check the seat before leaving. Droplets do happen it sucks and is gross but it happens. Just a quick wipe and all clean…

Overall periods aren’t too bad. And I don’t say this to scare her but have her track her period and bleeding levels. It’s gross I know BUT an excessively long/heavy period can be a sign that’s something’s wrong.

Typically a period lasts 7-10 days. Towards the end, the flow typically gets lighter and pads/tampons don’t need to be changed as often. But if her period lasts more than 2wks and is heavier than she feels it should be then it’s time to get checked out. (By excessively heavy she’s changing her pad/tampon every hour or two or she’s going thru them faster because it’s filling so fast etc)

Also! Big one! ALWAYS change your pad/tampon/cup whatever is used at least ONCE every 8hrs.

Do NOT wear/use the same one for more than 8hrs Ii you can help it. Toxic shock syndrome is extremely dangerous and it’s often seen with prolonged tampon wear. Sleeping with them is fine just remember to change them when you wake up etc. You can push the 8hrs a little but it’s always best not to push it too much.

Good luck and keep defending her from your dad’s immaturity.” Alyssa_Hargreaves

1 points (3 votes)
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LolaB17 4 months ago
He's the jerk, she has to live with him though.
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1. AITJ For Thinking That My Sister And Her Fiancé Should Sleep Separately?

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“I’m (19f) and I live with my parents (52f) and (54m). I have an older sister (25f )who’s engaged to her partner of 6 years (26m).

She and her fiancé have been living together for 3 years. They got engaged this year. My sister also announced to us a while ago that they’re expecting a baby.

In our house, there’s a strict rule about unmarried couples not sleeping together and my sister knows that.

She’s left the house for 3 years since she moved in with her fiancé and she started visiting us for holidays. They live in a different area 2 hours away. For the past 3 years, the rule was that they’ll sleep in different rooms since they’re not official. My sister was never fond of this rule and always tried to have it her way. But she didn’t.

This year she threw a fit because my parents wouldn’t let her sleep on the same bed as her fiancé despite them living together for so many years and despite being engaged and expecting.

They got in a huge fight on Xmas eve and I sided with my parents saying that it’s their house and their rules and if she doesn’t like it she can just never visit again but she has to respect the hosts and most importantly the people who raised her.

She called me a jerk and said that I’m still too young to understand why what my parents are doing is disrespectful to her and her fiancé.

I don’t think I’m the jerk because no matter how absurd a rule sounds, if you visit someone’s house you do as they say. Period. But for the sake of collecting some unbiased opinions, AITJ for siding with my parents when my sister threw a fit about how it’s disrespectful that they won’t let her sleep on the same bed with her fiancé???”

Another User Comments:
“YTJ.

You told her she can either follow their rules or ‘never visit again,’ which is very weird. She’s pregnant, engaged, and clearly sleeps next to this man regularly. They traveled 2 hours to sleep at someone else’s home because of the holiday and they’re being forced to sleep separately because… why? What are your parents afraid of?

Be careful. One day your parents will no longer be around to host things like this.

Don’t make an enemy of your sister.” FlyingDutchLady

Another User Comments:
“My parents were like this and it’s absolutely not about the principle supposedly affiliated with the rule. My parents started this same rule often and my future brothers in law expressed frustration with it in the early nineties, but in the late nineties my older brother’s significant other just kind of suddenly moved into my brother’s bedroom, where there was clearly only one small bed, and when she got pregnant.

My parents voiced their disapproval by gifting them a $400,000 house. And they aren’t rich, either – the house was a rental property and their retirement plan, but they gave it to my brother because he’s the golden child and he has to fail upward.

It’s not about the moral principle. It’s about tangibly demonstrating a power dynamic. Your parents’ disapproval of your sister probably isn’t related to sharing a bed with her partner as much as the broader theme of them not approving of her in general.

Odds are, this rule isn’t the only thing they disagree on and your parents are punishing her for something else, something in her personality, probably disagreeing with them on some points of politics and/or religion.” NotRoryWilliams

Another User Comments:
“YTJ and your parents are also jerks.

How are they ‘not official’? Do you think getting married actually changes anything? They’ve been together for 6 years, living together for 3 years, and are expecting a baby.

Will the baby not be ‘official’ if it’s born before they get married? Will your parents think it doesn’t have a father because they’re ‘not official’? Mind worms.

You should have had your sister’s back. Doesn’t matter if your parents have this rule. It’s dumb (and controlling and infantilizing) when you’re talking about a long-term relationship between actual adults. Do you follow every single rule?

It will be interesting to see what happens when you are in a long-term relationship but not allowed to sleep in the same room as your partner.” kevipants

Another User Comments:
“So the scene you are painting is that your pregnant sister that just traveled two hours to spend time with you for the holidays, wants to be able to fall asleep next to her fiance and partner of six years, but your parents refuse due to a rule that exists mainly because that’s just the rule.

While they are arguing over this, you, her sister, chime in a situation that has nothing to do with you, that it is their house, and if she doesn’t like the rule that’s just there to be there then she should just never visit again actually.

She is pregnant, she traveled two hours to see you, she just wanted to feel safe and fall asleep next to her partner. Instead, she was refused that little accommodation for no good reason other than just because, and her sister told her that she should just never visit again then if she was going to be so difficult. Had I been your sister I would have felt so rejected and unwanted.

YTJ.” chonkosaurusrexx

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masp1 4 months ago
If sister knew the rule then it is on her. Why not tell sister to just go to a hotel? I as a sibling would have never toughed that argument with a ten foot pole.
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