People Tell Their Odd "Am I The Jerk" Stories To Test Our Judgment
22. AITJ For Reminding My Mom That I've Been Paying Our Rent?
“I (18 M) live with my mom, stepdad, and two half-siblings. I’ve been paying rent monthly ($350) for the past year.
I also help my parents out with their store, pick up and drop off my siblings at their soccer practice every evening, and buy food for everyone every weekend if not daily. I also work 25 hours a week. I’m in my senior year.
Well, yesterday, I told my mom that I wouldn’t be able to help out with the store this weekend as I’ve made plans with some friends.
She got tense and told me to cancel my plans as the weekends get very busy and she would need my help.
I said that that wasn’t fair as I rarely go out and deserve to go this once. She got furious and called me out for being selfish and ungrateful despite letting me live under their roof, and threatened to kick me out there and then.
This is not the first time she has done this. I’ve been told I’d get kicked out over not talking to my extended family properly, not babysitting my siblings while my parents were out for dinner (it was exam season!), not getting good enough grades, etc.
Here’s where I think I might be the jerk. I got visibly upset and reminded her that I’ve been paying the rent and doing whatever chores she needs me to do, working in the store without any pay and that she is the ungrateful one for not acknowledging all that I do, and it is manipulative of her to threaten to kick me out to get things done from me.
I shouldn’t have said the last part because she is after all letting me live in her house at a cheap rent. (I’ve been saving to move out as soon as I graduate high school, hopefully before that.)
She didn’t say anything and just left. I also left the house and went to my friend’s without apologizing.
I came home today evening and my stepdad wanted to talk to me. He said that what I had said to my mom was wrong and domineering, to control my emotions and to ‘remember my place.’ I went to my room, and I’m typing this now.
Am I the jerk for being upset at my mom and standing up for myself after being threatened to get kicked out yet again even though she lets me live under her roof at a cheap rent?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You sound like Cinderella. The best thing about this is that you are a competent and articulate person and you can aim high.
But I hope you will find a way to make up for the cruel treatment you have suffered and to compensate yourself for your lost childhood. Are there any trusted adults around, in whom you can confide?
You need to start planning your escape, by secretly and securely saving as much as you can and gathering essential documents.
If you can, stop paying rent. As you say, you are working much of every day for free!” Time-Tie-231
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your parents are loading you with responsibilities that don’t belong to you, and they feel entitled to your time. They haven’t realized that they need you more than you need them.
Move out as soon as you can, and when this happens, they will continue to ask for your help and blackmail you by saying that you owe them for everything they did for you. But remember, children don’t owe anything to their parents; you didn’t choose to be born, they chose to have you, and therefore, they are responsible for you.” Hour-Wind-2410
21. AITJ For Crying When A Customer Insulted Me?
“I (17 M) work at a convenience store as part of my high school program, which means two days every other week.
The store is rather big and I’m not familiar with it, as I’m not from town and the items are always moved each week.
I was unloading teas and coffee today when a man came up to me. He looked really irritated so I braced myself for a potentially rude customer.
He asked about rice porridge and said that he’d been walking around all day and couldn’t find it (which is unlikely since we’ve been open for like an hour). Because I don’t work in that section, I tell him that I’m sorry and I don’t know.
Customers are usually pretty chill with this answer and go ask someone else or try to find the item they want themselves. Not this guy, though. He started berating me about how I should know because I work here, I should go with him and help him find it, etc. But I can’t leave my post so I told him that, along with how I’m not even from this town so I only know where stuff from my section is, which he disregarded completely.
Now comes the part where I might be the jerk. I’m a pretty sensitive person and I was already trying not to tear up as I stood there while the guy insulted me to my face. Suddenly he started asking questions about why I chose to work here if I can’t even help people and how I look weak, short, and scrawny for a guy my age (my height is 165 cm and I admit I am pretty weak).
I said I had no other choice when choosing schools, he said ‘Everyone has a choice’. Except, NO, I didn’t. I had to drop out of my old high school and switch because of mental health problems. He finally gave up, said that I was useless, and started browsing the shelves of tea.
I faced away from him and tried really hard not to cry.
One of my classmates (we’ll call him Liam) walked by and I guess he saw how I was shaking because he asked me if I was okay. The rude guy chimed in with ‘No, he is a jerk and really useless.
Doesn’t even know where rice is.’ That did it for me and I started crying. Liam asked the guy what was he thinking, calling a kid names like that and the customer just scoffed and said I cry like a girl. Liam took me to the break room and told our teacher what happened, she let him stay with me until I calmed down and then sent me home.
Liam and the rest of my classmates have my back but my teacher said I should’ve tried harder to help the guy and I should’ve held it in because crying in front of a customer is rude. I don’t really know if she is right or not.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Facing verbal mistreatment from a customer is tough, and your reaction is completely human. You are not expected to know every item’s location, especially as a part-time worker in a large store. The customer’s behavior was unacceptable, and personal attacks about your appearance and competence were unwarranted. Crying under such stress isn’t rude—it’s a natural response to being treated poorly.
Your teacher should have recognized the inappropriateness of the customer’s behavior instead of criticizing your reaction.
Remember, your well-being is more important than appeasing a rude customer. It’s good to know your classmates support you; this situation reflects badly on the customer, not on you.” Upset-Ad-3852
Another User Comments:
“Obviously NTJ, but you have been poorly trained. If you don’t know where something is in the store, that’s perfectly fine and normal. But the appropriate action (from a customer service perspective) is to take the customer to look for the product or to help them find someone who knows where it is.
Never just tell a customer you don’t know and leave them to their own devices. That’s poor customer service.
The guy was a jerk for treating you like he did, no question about that, and maybe nothing was going to make this guy any better… but the situation could possibly have been avoided, or at least mitigated, if you had been trained to take personal accountability for making sure the customer got what he was after.
For what it’s worth – I basically grew up in the grocery business and worked the stores from age 13 to 19. I later designed, developed, and delivered training for a major grocery chain.” gniwlE
And your teacher is a bit of a jerk for trying to train you into Knowing Your Place ie never standing up for yourself in front of bullies.
20. AITJ For Refusing To Eat The Food My Husband Cooked Using Expired Milk?
“My husband has been gone traveling all week, so I’ve been super busy at home trying to keep kids’ schedules and lives managed while working and keeping up on the housework.
He returned home today and prepared dinner.
A few days ago while making breakfast, I noticed the milk was expired. I was in the middle of again, trying to work and get the kid ready for school – I literally didn’t have a second to spare and had to find an alternative breakfast sans milk.
Instead of doing the responsible thing, I left the milk in the refrigerator, intending to come back to it when I had a few seconds to breathe. Life caught up and I forgot to remove the milk from the fridge.
Fast forward to today at dinner – I asked my husband what was in the sauce (covering the entire meal) and he said milk.
I panicked and ran to the fridge and yep – he used the expired milk. Now, he was LIVID that I put expired milk back in the fridge. I totally take responsibility for that – but I asked him why he didn’t check the date on the milk.
He says it’s because he doesn’t have to – and if the milk is in the refrigerator, he assumes it’s still good. To be fair, it didn’t smell – but still, gross.
Now, my child got upset and said they didn’t want to eat dinner because they were afraid of getting sick and I agreed – the milk had an expiry date of 1/15 (ten days ago) which seems just too sketchy.
My husband got extremely mad and said that my child and I were being ‘too sensitive’ and that expiry dates weren’t that serious. He also said that cooking the milk made it safe (which is not true). Neither my child nor I decided to eat it and now my husband is very angry and not really talking to me.
AITJ for refusing to eat this dinner? Am I overreacting?”
Another User Comments:
“Your husband says he shouldn’t have to check the date, and that if it’s in the fridge he assumes it’s good. What if you hadn’t tried to use it for breakfast?
You wouldn’t have seen the date and the milk would have stayed in the fridge. And your husband would have cooked with it like he did. Would it still be your fault? Is it your job to check expiration dates and make sure only fresh products stay in the fridge?
To an extent, that’s part of housekeeping, but as adults, I think it’s reasonable for either person to check the date before they use anything.
All that being said, the milk was still fine as long as it didn’t smell. Everyone sucks here.
It was irresponsible to put it back in the fridge, but it was also irresponsible for your husband not to check the date.” wren_boy1313
Another User Comments:
“You and your husband should probably communicate more about groceries. No one should just assume food is fine to cook and eat just because it’s in the fridge, everyone using the food should be looking, smelling, and paying attention before using it.
Food does not immediately become rotten and unusable simply because the expiration date has passed. Everyone should be using Google to find legitimate guidance/answers for questionable things or to settle discrepancies on issues like this where both parties have valid arguments. If the milk did not smell bad and was not curdled and was being used in a cooked sauce, it was fine and you shouldn’t have freaked yourself and your child out.
Everyone sucks here because your husband shouldn’t have been ‘livid’ about this situation or assumed everything in the fridge was fine, but you are more of a jerk for making this your child’s problem in any way.” swarleyscoffee
19. AITJ For Standing Up For My Son Against My Parents?
“My wife and I decided to raise our kids in a way that no matter if they were cis straight or LGBTQ they always knew we were supportive.
Just doing things like never using gendered pronouns about possible partners or crushes and things like that. Our youngest ‘Mati’ (14 M), we’ve kinda figured, isn’t straight. While he does have a good number of guy friends and will play sports he is also pretty gender non-conforming sometimes.
You know a lot of his friends are girls and he likes to paint his nails and will wear a skirt or eyeliner every now and then. And on weekend visits to the rez to visit his mom’s family he and another boy he plays basketball with there have gotten pretty ‘close’ like blushing when around each other close.
And being super excited to ‘visit his grandparents and cousins’ every weekend for the last month or so.
My parents are kinda old school. The ‘oh my 3-year-old looked at a girl once so he must have a crush and we’ll be a real lady killer someday’ type.
My parents are always asking him when he is going to ask one of his female friends out or which one of his ‘girl friends’ is his significant other and stuff like that. He is pretty shy and usually just kinda quietly ignores them and changes the subject.
But lately, he has seemed way more uncomfortable with it. I asked him about it and he told me and his mom that he wished his grandparents would stop asking him stuff about that.
My parents were over a few days ago and I took the opportunity to talk to them about what Mati said.
They of course got offended and went on about how he needs to stop being so shy and to just get out there and ask one of his friends out. I tried to explain that wasn’t the point and that we don’t even know if he likes girls because he hasn’t said.
They started going on about how I and my wife are making him ‘like that’ and I lost my temper. A few choice words were said and it turned into a full blow argument till they went home. I’ve been getting calls from family saying how I blew normal banter way out of proportion and should’ve just let it go.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Nope, NTJ, and I’m glad you decided to nip this in the bud with your parents. It doesn’t matter if your child is gay, straight, pan, ace, or whatever. Many teens are simply uncomfortable discussing their romantic and personal lives with the adults in their lives, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
To be clear, if they are actually seeing someone, then the parents should have the chance to meet that person, but beyond that, it’s really nobody else’s business.
My son was very shy about discussing people he liked, and he would sometimes perceive questions like ‘Is there anyone you like or want to ask out?’ as teasing, so we stopped asking and made sure he knew he had the room to come to us if he ever wanted to talk about it.
And if he did, I would respect his privacy and not go running to my mother to discuss his private life.” Ajstross
Another User Comments:
“Even if Mati was solidly heterosexual, his grandparents’ comments would be tiresome and rude. I can only imagine how incredibly annoying and hurtful it would be if you were anywhere else on the sexual preference scale.
Mati is amazing for putting up with that crap for so long! (Plus, I’d rather 14-year-olds not have significant others. They’re too young and immature for that).
I don’t need to get into the things your parents are getting wrong here. You already know.
They are the ones who turned a normal request into an argument. They are the ones making your son uncomfortable. They are the ones who must apologize — especially to Mati. Eleven years of pestering a now 14-year-old child to go out with someone is pathetic and ridiculous.
It’s abusive.
It’s your responsibility to protect your child. Thank you for noticing that he was uncomfortable and for having the kind of relationship with him where he felt safe to tell you! Bravo!” Intermountain-Gal
18. AITJ For Not Wanting To Pay For My Partner's Son's Phone Anymore?
“I’ve been in a relationship with a woman for almost 8 years.
Last year, she convinced me to add a line to my account so her then 12-year-old son could have a way to contact her when he wasn’t home.
So I did, I’ve been paying 65 bucks a month for this kid’s phone.
Let’s fast forward a bit, this kid is now 14 years old, and he loses his charger all the time. When we don’t immediately fix this problem, he starts flipping out, cursing at his mom, and trying to get in her face.
I do not get to punish him, but neither of his parents do anything about his behavior. His dad just buys a new charger every time he does this. Enabling his behavior. I have had it at this moment, so I told him I am taking away your phone for behaving this way.
Fast forward, his mom gives the phone back to him the next morning after I leave for work. So she doesn’t care that I set a punishment ‘such as no phone’ so I don’t feel comfortable paying for his phone because time and time again I have threatened to have it turned off.
Because I pay for it. But I have about had it. I told his mom I didn’t want to pay for his phone any more than she could or his father could. She didn’t feel like discussing this with me so she then told me to contact his father and tell him that I don’t want to pay for it anymore and why.
His father just ‘angry emoji’d’ the message I sent him and has yet to respond.
This kid is horrible and doesn’t deserve a phone. Has no responsibility and never gets in trouble for anything he does. He has no consequences or repercussions for anything and I try to take away something I control and it still gets overruled by his parents.
Am I the jerk for refusing to pay for his phone anymore?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The mom is pretty darn spineless and unfair to you. Of course, you should stop paying and explain to him that his behavior is unacceptable to you and you will not pay for his phone any longer.
This mom wants you to pay his bill but won’t let you discipline or parent him. He needs parenting from someone, and neither of his parents will do it. That’s a shame, but not your fault. Let them all go – they seem pretty awful, the lot of them.” Euphoric_Travel2541
Another User Comments:
“Seems to me you can find someone who not only respects your decisions about a phone you are paying for but appreciates you in the first place for paying for it the past two years. This undisciplined kid is only going to get worse and one of these days you might do something you will regret (lord knows I would have knocked him on his butt already).
Shut the phone off and let one of the parents get him one will solve that issue, as for the disrespect you seem to be accepting – that’s only going to get worse. NTJ. Good luck! Are you sure she is your person?” DLCMotroni
17. AITJ For Not Wanting My Ex To Adopt His Daughter?
“I (35 F) married my ex, Ben (37 m), 13 years ago. We have two daughters – Sara (10 f) and Jess (8 f).
When I was pregnant with Jess, my husband had an affair. This woman (OW) was very young (was in college or something, I don’t remember much detail).
The affair was short, but he got her pregnant. When she was around 4 months pregnant, Ben refused to be with her. She gave birth to a girl, Amy (7 f), and I didn’t know about her until OW vanished totally and OW’s friend (Kory), who was raising her, contacted Ben.
He told me everything and asked me if he could bring Amy to our house. I was furious and took a break from him for a month. He kept contacting me and kept telling me the things I wanted to hear, and I wanted a whole family for my kids, so I came back.
Amy was 2 at the time and was a happy child. She sometimes called me mom, and I got furious at her. Once, when I was giving cuddles to Jess, Amy wanted too but I snapped at her. Amy got so scared, and it made me realize that I still hate my husband but not this kid.
I started the process of divorce when Amy was 3. Ben has half custody of our kid but refuses to see Amy because he thinks she broke the marriage.
He met someone during the divorce process and got married when we divorced. After a few months, he was diagnosed with prostate cancer.
He is fine now (I guess), but he can’t have kids. Now he wanted to see Amy, he offered me some money in exchange for him adopting her. When I refused, he got angry and told me that she wasn’t my daughter and how much I hated her.
At least she is his only chance to have a kid of his own.
AITJ, for still refusing to allow him to contact Amy?”
Another User Comments:
“Taking you at your word here, and assuming that you are now treating Amy well and acting as a mother to her, I would say NTJ.
After 5 years with you as her primary caregiver, Amy will have built an attachment, and since your ex hasn’t even been visiting her, she’ll have no relationship with him. A change in custody here would have a very negative impact on Amy, due to losing the attachment she has already formed to you and having to experience such a massive change in her environment, as well as harming her sense of stability.
All this said, please make sure that you speak to some kind of legal professional – I don’t know what sort of legal framework you have custody of her under, and if it was a voluntary/private arrangement with your ex he might be able to cancel the arrangement.
Legal custody of a non-biological, non-adopted child is different from custody of a biological child or one that you have legally adopted, so you need to ensure you have everything in order legally.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – It’s great that you realized that this little girl was not to blame for your ex-husband’s infidelity.
The sadness in all of this is that the little girl deserved better right from the start and her father blaming her for his own actions is just sickening. Now that he realizes he can’t have any more children, he wants to be a part of her life.
I’m not sure if the law will agree to that or not, but I sure feel bad for that little girl.” Otherwise-Wallaby815
16. AITJ For Selling The Wedding Gift We Got From Our Friend?
“My (35 F) husband, Zayden (36 M), and I got married five years ago and are still debating about a wedding gift we received. When we got married, a mutual friend of ours (Adria) gifted us an expensive telescope based on an offhand comment I apparently made about enjoying astronomy (I don’t remember making this comment).
This gift wasn’t on the registry and is not something we’re interested in using. We don’t have much space in our current backyard to set it up, and we’re not interested in hauling it along when we move to a bigger house.
We’ve been storing the telescope in our basement, where it’s taking up a lot of space.
I suggested to Zayden that we sell the telescope online and use the cash towards a down payment on a house, but Zayden is worried that Adria will see the advertisement for the telescope and be offended that we’re selling her gift. So, when a good friend of mine told me how much she loved astronomy, I offered to sell her the telescope and she happily agreed.
After the transaction, I told Zayden about it and he got really upset, saying we should have just kept the telescope. My response was that since it was a private sale and not advertised online where Adria could see, then there wasn’t a problem. My husband said that Adria had been randomly asking him about whether we were using the telescope, and he told her I sold it because I didn’t like it.
Now Adria is upset that I sold her ‘thoughtful gift’, and Zayden is calling me a jerk for upsetting Adria when we could’ve just kept storing the telescope in our basement. I don’t think I did anything wrong, especially since Zayden told me he didn’t want the telescope, either.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – It has value you can use towards your house, it was doing absolutely nothing in storage, and you didn’t tell her about it. It was a thoughtful gift in one way, but in another way, she bought an expensive gift based on a comment she might have imagined you made, apparently has been ‘randomly asking him about whether we’re using the telescope’, and now is mad because you aren’t using it and therefore sold for something you can.
It made no sense to keep it. Your friend can enjoy it, you can use the money.” StonewallBrigade21
Another User Comments:
“A gift is given and then should be forgotten. She can be bummed that you ultimately didn’t want her gift but that’s about it.
You have every right to do what you want with it and having that extra money was actually helpful so her gift was still good in a way. Just not in its intended way. At least now it is actually being used.
NTJ. Husband, though, was weird.
I mean he didn’t want her to find out but then he tells her in a very poor way?! He could have said something like ‘We appreciated the telescope, but we really haven’t gotten into using it. Wife had a friend who had been looking for one and since we wanted it to get some use as well as needing the extra money she took the opportunity.’ Not that he had to tell her at all.” ComfortableBig8606
15. AITJ For Refusing To Give My Inheritance Money To My Mother?
“I recently found out that I will be inheriting money from my grandparents’ estate. The Will divided the estate into equal portions for each of my grandparents’ four kids.
But since my father died, his portion will be divided equally between my brother and myself.
My mother lives with my brother, his wife, and his two kids. Both my mother and my brother said I should give my inheritance to her since that’s what my grandparents would have wanted. They plan to use my brother’s portion to remodel their basement into a mother-in-law suite.
The inheritance isn’t life-changing money, but it is a fair amount. If they didn’t go crazy with extravagance, the money would be enough to pay for the remodel two or three times over, so I don’t know why they think they need my portion as well.
If it matters, I’m not single. I am married and have two kids. I’ll admit that when I first found out about the will, it didn’t occur to me to give the money to my mother. She collected from three life insurance policies when my dad died and her expenses are fairly low since she is living with my brother.
But I also know that I have some negative thoughts/feelings toward my mom because of things she has said to me, the way she acted when my dad died, and the fact that the one thing of my father’s that I asked for she gave away after promising it to me.
My mother has been laying on the guilt trip pretty hard about the inheritance and one of the last things my dad said to me was to please take care of my mom. My uncle told me that the money is mine and I should do whatever I want with it.
He took care of my grandparents and said their will was exactly how they wanted it. But I feel guilty and I can’t help but wonder if I would be the jerk for keeping the money.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The will could have easily said if your dad died then his share would go to your mom.
If a lawyer was involved, then I think it’s fair to assume that’s not what your grandparents wanted. If your grandparents just scribbled out a will leaving assets to their kids and the default rules kicked in to give your dad’s share to you and your brother, not your mom, then maybe there’s a question of intent.
In any event, it sounds like your mom and brother want to use the money to benefit just themselves, not you, so not surprising they want you to hand it over. I’d probably keep it, especially given the not-nice things your mom has done to you.” fungibleprofessional
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Please take this in and really absorb this: Your mom does not care about your best interests; she cares about hers. She may love you in her way, but she loves herself more.
From this story, it also appears that she and your brother have a symbiotic relationship.
To them, you are the outsider that they don’t have to consider most of the time, but they pay attention when you have something they want: more money. As your uncle said, your grandparents wrote their wills to give their money the way they wanted to.
Your mom and brother don’t know what your grandparents wanted better than your grandparents. It’s very possible that your grandparents saw how your mom took all that insurance money for her own benefit and knew they had to give you your money directly if you were ever going to get to enjoy it.
You have NOTHING to feel guilty about. The guilt you feel is only what your mom (and maybe brother) has been inculcating in you for years (if not your whole life). So keep your money. Don’t worry about what mom and brother choose to do regarding the remodeling.
Live your life. Focus on the family you have created, and build your wealth for the future of your own family.” swillshop
14. AITJ For Not Wanting My Son To Have An iPad?
“I (30 F) have two kids, ‘Arthur’ (4 M) and ‘Lucy’ (7 months). When my son was a baby, my husband (32 M) and I decided we wouldn’t give our children any gadgets (phones, tablets, or computers) until they were at least 9 years old.
I worked as a babysitter in my early 20s, and many of the kids I’d taken care of were glued to iPads. Most of them had no social skills, refused to go out, and were absolute nightmares to be around when they didn’t have a gadget with them.
I don’t like judging other parents, and I get how overwhelming children can be, but I refuse to raise mine like that.
My dad (63 M) is in a relationship with ‘Shelly’ (37 F). Her sister had her third child earlier this year and gave her older kids an iPad to distract them while she focused on the baby.
My father and Shelly both thought that was a great idea.
Since Lucy was born, my father has been trying to convince me to get Arthur an iPad. He says that this would be a great way to keep him busy while I take care of the baby and to make parenting ‘less of a struggle’ for me and my husband.
We’re not struggling. Things aren’t perfect, but we’re happy and healthy without iPads. Whenever I try to express that to my dad, he ignores me. I’ve been declining his advice all year. He finally stopped bringing it up about a month ago, and I thought it was over.
Last week, he and Shelly got back from a trip abroad. I went to their place to pick up some things I’d asked them to get when I noticed an iPad box in one of their suitcases. Shelly confirmed they’d gotten it as a Christmas gift for Arthur.
When my father tried to deny that, it became clear that they planned on giving it to him behind my back.
As calmly as I could, I said I didn’t care who they gave that iPad to, but it wouldn’t be Arthur. We ended up having a huge fight, and I told them my family wouldn’t be attending Christmas (my aunt is hosting) unless they promised not to give Arthur the iPad.
Both my father and Shelly are furious. They’re calling me ungrateful, and insist they’re only trying to help me and my husband and we’d see that if we weren’t so stubborn. My father is also angry that I’m denying Arthur an expensive gift that many people don’t have access to.
My husband and I aren’t budging, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel like I was overreacting. I also don’t want to spend Lucy’s first Christmas without the rest of my family, and when I think about that, this feels like an awful hill to die on.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“That is definitely the right hill to die on! You and your husband are absolutely right when it comes to waiting to give your child digital technology. All the research says to wait. Even smartphones should stay out of kid’s hands until at least grade 8.
Your instincts are correct. Your father is being incredibly disrespectful and his behavior is threatening your family’s relationship with him. How can you trust him with your children if he doesn’t respect your parenting decisions? You need to let him know his insistence on this is unacceptable and inappropriate for a four-year-old and to mind his business regarding your parenting decisions.
Just because Shelly’s sister uses iPads as a child-minder doesn’t mean it’s the right thing to do.
Please stand firm. Your parenting instincts are excellent. Take care. NTJ and definitely not overreacting.” cornelioustreat888
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and it’s absolutely a solid hill to die on because ultimately IT’S NOT ABOUT AN IPAD.
It’s about consent, respect for you as the parent, and your son’s mental and emotional development. You said no, and drew a boundary. If you don’t enforce that boundary with the iPad, your dad and Shelly will know that they can break every other boundary you have if they’re forceful enough.
YOU are Arthur’s mother, not Shelly. You and your husband have set down very reasonable rules for him regarding electronics… and there is absolutely no reason a 4-year-old needs them.
To be honest, I still think 9 is a little young, but I’m also the kid who got their 1st cell phone at 14 (and it only had 25 minutes a month on it).
I didn’t get my first iPad until I was in college.
As his parents, you are making the decisions you feel are right for him (and they happen to be backed by science and child psychology)… Your dad and his creepily young partner don’t have the right to ignore your parenting decisions just because they don’t like them.
It’s not about ‘Oh, we spent so much money on this’, because you didn’t ask them to and in fact, told them NOT to. It’s not about ‘Well, some children can’t afford this nice gift’, then go donate it to a toy drive or a charity so someone can have it who wants one.
It’s not about ‘We’re just trying to help’, because if they really wanted to help, they’d have dropped this fight the first time you said no, and asked what gifts would be welcome.
‘You’d keep the kids from us over an iPad?’ ‘I’ll keep the kids from you over your refusal to respect us as his parents, and insistence on ignoring our boundaries.
I’ll keep the kids from you over your willingness to derail his emotional and psychological development for the sake of ‘easy’ childcare, or so that you can look generous’.” yalldointoomuch
13. AITJ For Not Preparing A Gluten-Free Dessert?
“I (41 f) am a school Cafeteria worker. I work in a small rural grade K-6 school. It would be generous to say we have 100 students.
The principal wanted to offer a holiday meal for the students. I was notified we have 5 vegetarian kids and 1 gluten-free kid.
I tried to be as inclusive as possible with the ingredients I had on hand for the student’s food needs. I had turkey, potatoes, peas, carrots, and vegan gluten-free gravy. For dessert, I had regular gingerbread cookies.
Usually, I would make both regular and gluten-free cookies but the couple weeks leading up to the dinner were plagued by storms/power outages/school closures.
It’s just me in the kitchen and I worked double time trying to accomplish everything by the scheduled dinner day on top of my regular cafeteria cooking.
The thought and time slipped past me when it came to the gluten-free cookies. I apologized to the student (age 11), and although disappointed, he seemed understanding, or so it seemed.
The next day the Mom came to the cafeteria to confront me about purposely excluding her child from dessert. Again, I apologized. I explained the entire meal was gluten-free so it wasn’t like there was no food available. She stated I should have offered him an alternative dessert like the frozen yogurts or popsicles we sell during recess.
I disagreed, saying that the children who did not like gingerbread didn’t get an option of another dessert. I was not prepared to have those options for all the kids, so sadly it couldn’t be an option for him.
I told her I had intended to have a gluten-free cookie but sadly didn’t get a chance to make them due to the power outages/school closures.
She told me I should consider working harder. I told her I was sorry my best wasn’t good enough for her. She told me I was not considerate or inclusive enough and I had a vendetta against her kid. At this point, I had enough of her and could not hold my diplomacy and told her to get out of the cafeteria.
She stormed off to the office and filed a formal complaint. She also took the school social media group to complain, and several parents seem to be agreeing with her, which honestly enrages me.
I don’t feel like I’m the jerk here. I tried to be inclusive and have something for everyone.
I would love to accommodate every food whim of every kid in the school but that would be impossible. I’m considering refusing to do a holiday dinner next year because of this. What do y’all think?”
Another User Comments:
“In general you may be a nice person, However in the above scenario, you are the jerk.
You didn’t make the cookie as you had planned. But, at least, you should have given the popsicle or yogurt. Other kids who dislike the cookie cannot claim it (yogurt or popsicle) because the gluten-free dessert is 1 and allocated to the particular kid for health reasons.
The mother was reasonable, your excuse and fake apology were irrelevant because you didn’t own your responsibility. You made an error and made a child pay for it. Please grow up. It looks like you may have targeted the child.
You said you did your best. For your information, you didn’t.
If you think you have done your best, then I cannot imagine your better-to-worst scenarios. YTJ.” Pressnspeak
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My understanding is that an overworked, underpaid part-time cafeteria worker was asked to provide a free healthy holiday meal for 100 children. This meal is above and beyond their normal duties, and must be done with resources they have on hand, no extra money budgeted. This meal is for more people than they normally serve, and needs to include special dietary needs which aren’t normally part of the menu.
It is also in addition to doing their normal duties but without extra work hours. Extra help was a no-show. Sometimes we can’t do everything. You tried and did a great job. You should feel proud of your achievement. Next year say it won’t be possible.
Then the parents can bring home lunch for their kids.” No-Satisfaction-3897
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It’s understandable that you did not make a batch just for him, but the mom is right: you should have offered him an alternative you had on hand instead of excluding him.
Depending on where you work and if this is a public school you may have been required to. A child needing accommodation because they cannot eat the dessert provided is different than a child turning down a dessert because they do not like it. You know that.
Everyone knows that. You could have accommodated only the child with the medical need for an alternative snack without offering it to any of the other children unless they too had a documented medical need for an alternative snack. You just didn’t, and then you doubled down when called out instead of apologizing and making a note to do better in the future.” tan_sandoval
But you decided that this kid's need didn't matter and that the other 'normal' kids got cookies while this one kid didn't, because you simply couldn't be bothered.
12. AITJ For Not Wanting To Spend Christmas At My In-Laws'?
“I (34 f) have been with my husband (36) for 10 years. We got married 1.5 years ago and we have just had a little girl who is now 6 months and we couldn’t be happier. However, my in-laws have been frustrating, to say the least.
Backstory on me: I cut my biological mother off in 2021 because she was a narcissist and I realized she had been super abusive to me growing up.
So I had enough when she started to try to control me when I got married and since the stress in my life has lifted so much without her in my life.
That was until my new MiL decided (in my opinion) to be a jerk.
There were red flags initially such as: demanding me to suddenly pay for £650 worth of salad and coleslaw for our wedding 5 days prior to the wedding – she ended up paying for it because I couldn’t afford it, so that was that. Since we have had a baby, the jerk meter has flown up into the red and my FiL just goes with it.
Last month they visited and unbeknownst to my husband and I they had decided to camp on the floor in our tiny dining room for the night, which I said no to. We have a tiny end terrace 2-bed house, perfect for hubby, me, and the baby but not 2 additional adults taking up bathroom time and downstairs space.
British Victorian houses are not big, to say the least. So I said no, and they both kicked off accusing me that I didn’t want them to see their grandchild, which really upset me because it’s untrue.
Also, they don’t know it, but I am suffering from postnatal depression, so I did lose my cool with them telling them they were being selfish for expecting us to take them in without even telling us first. My husband just didn’t genuinely didn’t know what to do.
The row ended up with me taking the baby upstairs as I realized she was getting upset and hubby defused the situation by allowing them to stay against what I wanted. My husband had agreed with them to allow them to stay 1 night a month to see our baby as they don’t want to shell out to stay in a cheap hotel and they think traveling down for the day is not worth it (they live 2.5 hours away).
Anyways, since then my MiL has kept making small digs which really upsets me, like ‘Don’t force feed her’ and undermining me. I’m just getting so sick of the constant small digs and comments I really don’t want to spend Xmas with them, I have said to my husband to take the baby and go without me, but he says he can’t leave me behind.
What do I do, and AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“So are you getting therapy? Cutting people off is appropriate in some circumstances, but not all. So if you are your own therapist, you may not be helping yourself. Now I appreciate that having extra people unannounced and expecting to stay in a tiny home is inconvenient, but for one or two nights, it’s inconvenient, not something you would kick people out of your home for, and it could have been managed better.
You should have let them stay the night, and the next day, talked to them about next time and how with the limited space, and current stress from postpartum, it really has to be something you all plan out in advance or perhaps make an arrangement for a weekend to all stay at an Airbnb that can easily accommodate everyone.
Not every answer is off with their heads. You are conditioned to that reaction due to your mom. But in this case, it’s just about setting some healthy boundaries. Get some therapy, it will help you with techniques to better support your needs and set healthy boundaries without alienating everyone who crosses you.” Ok-Duck9106
Another User Comments:
“Well, you are NTJ but I’m having doubts about your husband and certainly about your in-laws. Your husband needed to have been upfront with you about agreeing for his parents to stay overnight. Did he agree and not tell you? That is definitely jerk territory.
He must be aware of your postnatal depression and really ought to be able to understand what help and support you need. He needs to grow a backbone and tell his parents that that decision has been revisited and consequently negated pronto.
There are cheap hotels around and they should avail themselves of them if they wish to see the family regularly.
As for going to theirs for Christmas, it sounds terrible. As I said previously, your husband needs to grow a spine and tell them that it is not possible for the family to visit them.
Also given the way your MIL makes all these digs at you about childcare and so on, how confident are you about her attitude to the baby if you let your husband take her for the event?” ShineAtom
11. AITJ For Booking A Four-Star Hotel For Our Wedding Guests?
“After saving up for years, I (31 f) and my fiancé (33 m) are having a destination wedding at a fancy villa in Italy. Let’s call it Villa Como. A night stay at a room in the villa for 2 people runs north of $650 (this will be important later).
At the beginning of the planning stage, we had hoped for an intimate wedding with only our closest family and friends. Due to the low guest count, we decided to pay for everyone’s hotel stay as a way to thank our guests for flying all the way to Italy.
I met up with one of my friends Kara (32 f) for dinner, and verbally invited her. I mentioned that everything is still in the early stage of planning and that (at that time) we haven’t even come to a final decision about the venue yet.
I did tell her that we really wanted to do it at Villa Como. I also told her that since only a small number of guests would come, we wanted to do something nice for our guests and provide a hotel stay for everyone the night of the wedding.
She told me that was incredibly nice of us, as usually the bride and groom don’t pay for guests’ lodging.
As we started inviting people, we found our guest count growing to almost triple what we had planned for. Considering the guest count, we didn’t think it would be sensible to provide everyone a night stay at Villa Como as it would have cost us more than $30,000.
We still wanted to provide a hotel stay for everyone, so we went to find a cheaper hotel nearby. This hotel we booked is a nice 4-star hotel. Granted it is not as luxurious as Villa Como, but it has decent amenities like pools, Jacuzzis, and an inclusive Italian breakfast spread.
We decided to use the rooms that we’ve booked at Villa Como for close family members like our parents, siblings, and grandparents.
When I hung out with Kara again, I showed her the hotel that we booked and told her that we’d be chartering cars with drivers to take care of everyone’s transportation.
Her only response was, ‘So I won’t be staying at Villa Como?’ I explained to her everything. She then started to say things like, ‘Well, if you and your family wanted to invite more people then you should have been prepared to provide everyone a stay at Villa Como’.
Throughout the night, she made multiple offhand comments about how bummed she was and how she ‘was already so excited to stay at Villa Como!’
I understand that she has to travel (a 14-hour flight from the US) and pay for her flights. But I never pressured her or anyone to come to the wedding.
My mom said maybe we should just pay for Kara’s stay at Villa Como as I had already got her hopes up. My sister thinks that Kara should understand that wedding plans change (especially as Kara knew I was still very early in our wedding planning when I first told her).
She thinks that Kara should be grateful that we’re providing her with a hotel stay at all and that if she really wants to stay at Villa Como, she can pay for it herself.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I’m going with NTJ. Kara is a potential jerk, depending on how far she is pushing this.
I do think it’s reasonable for her to be bummed, and it’s reasonable for her to briefly vocalize that disappointment and lightly call you out. But beyond an initial comment, she should be dropping it and moving on. If she is continuing to harp on this moving forward, she is definitely the jerk.
As far as your behavior – it’s not jerk territory, but I’d say you did make a small mistake. Don’t dangle premature offers to people – especially expensive ones – if you aren’t making concrete plans to deliver. It’s just a recipe for disappointment.” Aethelwolf
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and your sister was right. The only compromise I’d be willing to offer here is telling Kara you are covering $xx for the hotel rooms, and that if she’d like to pay the difference to book the fancier hotel on her own, she is welcome to do so.
But tell her she needs to book it on her own, and you’ll help pay the agreed-on portion to the hotel when you are there since I’d bet money she’ll run up plenty of room charges on your bill otherwise. Suddenly she may be perfectly happy with the four-star place.
That said, have you specified to group sales at the guest hotel whether your guests are/are not allowed to charge things to the room during their stay? I’d make it clear additional charges are to require separate payments. Someone, whether Kara or someone else, may take advantage of your generosity unless ground rules are clear from the start.” DueBike582
10. AITJ For Refusing To Contribute To The Cost Of My Father's Funeral?
“My father died in early 2020. My sister and I had not seen him for years as his wife isolated him from his family (long story).
We sat with him when he died (his wife did not come to the hospital) but the body was released to his wife. His wife did not have a funeral.
My sister and I wanted to have a service and we decided on his birthday, six months later.
I contacted the funeral home she had her heart set on and, after hearing the pricing, told her in an email that I could not afford to pay for a traditional funeral home service and would not do so. I told her that I would be happy to plan something cheaper but I could not add to my existing debt load.
She wrote back that it was okay, she would take care of the cost.
My sister and I have a very difficult relationship that I generally owe to her lack of emotional regulation and outbursts of anger. So, when I found out that my dad’s twin brother’s family was planning a milestone birthday party for him on the day we had discussed having the funeral, I asked her to change the date.
She refused. In fact, she sent me four abusive, expletive-laden emails. She then proceeded to plan the funeral and write the obituary and she did all of this without acknowledging any of my other requests.
Since then, my relationship with my sister has been more difficult as our mother has become ill and I have had to put in place very strong boundaries, including blocking her cell number due to abusive texts.
Earlier this year, I was diagnosed with PTSD. I was also deemed eligible for a tax credit for disabled people (I’m in Canada) so long story short, I’m receiving a lump sum of money due to backdated tax reassessments and this money will go toward paying the debt I have, a large part of which is a result of the therapy I receive for PTSD.
I told my mother about this and asked her not to tell my sister. She did.
Two days ago, my sister sent me an email asking me if I was going to contribute to the cost of our father’s funeral. I sent her the email exchange in which I told her I could not afford a traditional funeral and that I could not pay for it, and her response was she would take care of it.
She responded to this by saying: I’ll remember this, which reads to me like a threat.
I spoke to our mother, who said I should pay for half the funeral. I told her in no uncertain terms that it was very upsetting to me that she thought I should take the money that I received for a disability and give it to my sister to pay for something that I did not want, said very clearly that I could not afford, and was not involved in planning.
My mother is now calling me and crying that she is sorry but that she thinks I should ‘do the right thing’ which is to give my sister money. I have not communicated with my sister further about this and do not plan to.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As you stated, you do not want, are not involved in planning, and most importantly cannot afford this memorial service. Not being able to afford something is a very good reason for not doing it and your sister, who apparently was fine with footing the bill for the whole thing has either realized how expensive these things can be or has decided that you are now new money rich so she should claw some of that money from you.
This is your money to be used to make your life easier, not to memorialize a father who wasn’t strong enough to stand up to his wife and maintain a relationship with his children.
In your shoes, I’d probably want to have a chat with Mother Dearest about her role in this debacle.
She may be ill but she went against your explicit request that she not divulge the information about your tax credit to your abusive sister.” neckbeard_deathcamp
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Cut them off. You don’t need that kind of stress or guilt in your life.
Email them both that as much as you would like to contribute financially, you have made it clear from the beginning that you could not afford to. Your sister cut off immediately… doesn’t sound like she is anything but toxic. Your mother can explain you have to do what is right for you, that you told your sister you couldn’t afford what SHE wanted and you resent your mom telling your sister about the disability settlement and that you have OLD DEBT for the disability that the settlement will go toward.
If mom continues, cut her off too. Man! Those 2 are a pair!” Waste_Designer_6774
9. AITJ For Walking My Daughter-In-Law Down The Aisle?
“When my son, ‘Josh’, was 16, he and his significant other, ‘Chloe’, told my wife and me that they were expecting a baby.
We were reasonably concerned and upset but supported the two in whatever they wanted to do. They decided they wanted to keep the baby.
Chloe’s parents were not supportive at all and kicked her out of the house. We had her move in with us.
My wife and I developed a close bond with her as we helped her prepare for the baby. After the birth of their daughter, ‘Brynn’, Chloe and Josh lived with us until they were 22. As they were so young, we really helped a lot those first few years as they got their GEDs, went to trade school, etc. It was not an easy road in the slightest, but it made us all closer.
I consider Chloe the daughter I never had. They are now 25 and Brynn is 9.
Last year, Chloe’s parents got in contact with her and said that they were sorry, they wanted to be in their lives, etc. Josh and Chloe chose to hesitantly let them in their daughter’s life.
They have definitely played the part of overcompensating grandparents, who try to pretend no time has passed. Brynn is healthy, safe, and loved, that’s all that matters. They have been stand-offish with my wife and me.
I feel they are jealous and maybe insecure when it comes to how close we are to Chloe and Brynn.
We’ve tried to arrange for times to talk, outings where all 4 of us can be with Brynn, etc, but they always rebuff. So, we’ve settled to be polite and kind, getting along with them for Brynn, Chloe, and Josh’s benefit.
Chloe and Josh have recently announced they’re getting married. She asked me to walk her down the aisle.
She explained that while her dad is too, she’d love to have ‘her other dad’ with her. I was touched. She has called me ‘Papa Sam’ for a while now (and my wife, ‘Mama Carol’), but I still didn’t expect this. I accepted.
Now, Chloe’s dad is refusing to walk her down the aisle because I will. He says that I am encroaching on a precious moment between him and his daughter. I said so long as Chloe wants me to walk her, I will. Chloe has said she doesn’t want me to step down but also wants her dad there.
I’ve said I’ll support what she wants. She has remained firm that she wants to try to find a way to get her dad on board so we’ll both walk her.
Chloe’s mom said I should step down because, of course, Chloe won’t ask me to.
I made a comment about how then I’d be just as much of a deadbeat as they were for so long. This made her and her husband mad.
My wife feels I’ve fueled this drama and I should just step down so Chloe can have both her parents there.
I’ve said until Chloe asks me to step down, I won’t. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“‘Now, Chloe’s dad is refusing to walk her down the aisle because I will. He says that I am encroaching on a precious moment between him and his daughter.’
NTJ – He is encroaching not you. He lost any rights to precious moments when he threw her out. Chloe asked you because you and your wife were there when she was most vulnerable and have accepted her into your home and life and made sure she, your son, and their child had a safe place to be.
You have every right to walk her down that aisle even more so than her bio dad. He should be grateful to you for taking his daughter in and making sure she was okay after he threw a pregnant 16-year-old out.” mynameisnotsparta
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Don’t back down unless Chloe asks you to. Also, you might want to discuss it with Chloe again, because it sounds like her parents might be bullying or manipulating her. It will be good for her to know for sure that you are on her side and that you think she is in the right to make her own decisions about her wedding without bowing to her parents and their expectations.
I think that Chloe is very fortunate to have you in her life. I also think her parents sound like very selfish people. They are the real jerks here, not you.” salymander_1
8. WIBTJ If I Don't Allow Kids Under 16 Years Old At My Wedding?
“In early 2024, I (28 m) will be getting married to my long-term partner. It will be a relatively small event – 40ish guests – and a fairly small venue. We sent out our wedding invitations at the start of October – we do not live close to most of my family so we wanted to give people time to arrange to travel if needed. In our invitations, we requested nobody bring children under 16.
Generally, I love kids. My partner has a son (12 m) who I have been raising with her since he was 4 and I’ve loved it, and I would love to have more someday, but to me, (and my partner) weddings are a stressful and expensive day, and children only add to the likelihood that something will go wrong – I’ve been to weddings/parties and seen parents wasted or distracted and accidents can happen, people can get hurt or things can get broken.
Despite this request, we have generally prioritised our loved ones being there over this rule, and have agreed to make exceptions. Our own son shall be in attendance, as will my two nephews (16 m & 13 m), my partner’s half-brothers (15 m & 13 m), and my partner’s childhood friend’s daughter (14 f).
However, we have not agreed to make an exception for my sister ‘Becca’ (31 f). This is for two reasons;
a.) her children are very young (5 f, 3 m & 2 m) and are more likely to cause issues and need constant supervision than any of the teenagers.
b.) in 2016 she also had a child-free wedding (strictly 18+) and made no exceptions for our other sister ‘Darcy’ (35 f) and me despite knowing that we had children. At the time we of course accepted that this was her decision to make, but as a result, Darcy and my partner missed the wedding as we were unable to find/afford childcare alternatives.
Becca and her husband are furious at me, insisting that we were all much younger back then and it was ‘weird’ that Darcy and I had children so young, but now it is more expected that we all have children and so my rule is ridiculous.
She is saying it is unfair that I am making an exception for Darcy and not for her – which might be true, but I still think I am justified since her children are so young and therefore likely to cry/scream/throw tantrums, and she had no sympathy for us when she was the one hosting a child-free wedding.
My father has refused to get involved but my mother has sided with her and wants all her grandchildren in attendance, and thinks I am saying I love Darcy’s children more, which is not my intention but I can see why it looks like that.
So, WIBTJ if I continued to not allow my sister’s children to attend my wedding?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You are well within your rights to want a wedding without trouble and that’s why the 16+ rule was set, that’s something that Becca probably understands.
However, the trouble comes when you’ve made exceptions for all the children apart from her if it was a different limit, like 12+, or if you didn’t make any exceptions she would be more understanding. But to her, it feels like everyone’s kids but hers are allowed and that might make her feel singled out.
If you can manage to work with her and if her children are well mannered then maybe you both can come to a compromise, but in the end, it is your wedding and thus it is your decision who attends it.” ShuraPlayz
Another User Comments:
“Slight YTJ. Your sister had a strictly child-free wedding and kept to that (barring any children in the wedding party). You are having a kind of child-free event with a lot of exceptions, except for her, and using this as a way to express your distaste for her child-free event years ago.
Also, you gave people a very short amount of time to both make travel and childcare arrangements. She has three kids who all need care. If you wanted her there, something like hiring someone as a childminder for a travel-required vent would have been a way to show it.
It would have also helped out other guests.” sheramom4
Another User Comments:
“Honestly, the bottom line is the people’s perception is the reality they are experiencing. You SAY that not allowing Becca’s kids isn’t ‘payback’ – yet you also admit it’s one of the two reasons you are not willing to make an exception for her kids.
Personally, I’m not a fan of the combo of destination/travel-required weddings with ‘child-free’ weddings. It’s asking a huge investment of time and money and inconvenience and then topping that with the logistics of finding childcare in another city when most of your ‘go-to’ sitters are at the wedding.
I’d be curious to know if Darcy is still holding a grudge against Becca over having to sit out the wedding or if their relationship is fully recovered. I’m also not a fan of ‘unequal’ exceptions to the ironclad rule.
For example, a child-free wedding where the bride and groom’s kids – or siblings – or all niblings are allowed is a reasonable exception.
A ‘child-free’ wedding where some niblings are allowed or some friends’ but not others’ kids are allowed is bad form and a recipe for bad feelings.” celticmusebooks
7. AITJ For Being Annoyed At My Fiancé For Not Paying Rent?
“My (31 M) fiance (26 F) recently moved into my apartment three months ago.
I own the apartment and have a mortgage on it.
When my fiance moved in, we agreed that she would pay rent of $600/month. That’s far less than the market rate for a room within a flat of this quality and probably comes out to a 40-50% discount, but I’m comfortable with that because my mortgage isn’t too big, I earn good money, and I’m excited to live with her.
We have a great relationship – we both have good jobs and are generous with each other. I earn more than my fiance, but probably mostly because of the age gap, and she works hard in a well-paying sector and is responsible with money otherwise.
The problem is that, whilst she paid rent on time for the first two months, her rent is now nearly three weeks late (still owes October and today is 17 November). I don’t really feel like I should have to remind her at all to pay rent – I don’t want to have to nag or chase her for money.
She should just pay on time, as I’ve always done for every financial obligation I’ve ever had. Nonetheless, I’ve had to remind her three times since the end of October to pay rent and she still hasn’t.
She said to me (after I reminded her the third time) that ‘since we’re getting married, it’s all the same pot anyway, and if I double pay or forget to pay one month it’s not a big deal’.
However, our finances haven’t been combined yet, we both still work, and I know that if she ‘double paid’ I would know immediately and return the money.
I’m now starting to feel annoyed that I’m not being listened to and worried that my partner is being too casual with what I consider to be important financial agreements that we’ve made with one another.
WIBTJ if I ream her out for this? I understand her POV that we’re getting married (and I see us living happily ever after, we’re truly soul mates) so I don’t know if I’m just over-reacting”
Another User Comments:
“Sounds like you need to have a real conversation about how you are handling money now and how you plan to handle it in the future.
If you really mean to have shared finances, do it in a way that feels fair to both of you – perhaps a shared account to cover your living expenses that a fixed percentage of each of your incomes goes into. Moving away from a ‘we pay each other back’ system to a ‘we pay what needs to be paid’ system was truly revelatory for my relationship and I highly recommend it.
NTJ for your concerns, but YWBTJ if you ‘reamed’ her about this.” wandergnome
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ. Don’t ‘ream her out’… if you truly want to marry her this is counterproductive. Yelling at her may lead to her paying, but at what cost to your relationship?
And the problem really isn’t solved. Instead, sit her down and be direct with her that this is a serious issue… your finances aren’t combined yet and she needs to keep up her end of the bargain. If this is a deal breaker or could become a deal breaker, then tell her so.
This is actually a good opportunity to see if you truly are ready for marriage. If she takes what you say seriously and changes her behavior, then you’ve successfully navigated a disagreement. If she blows you off… well, I recommend slowing your roll on the marriage.” Cheddarbaybiskits
6. AITJ For Not Telling My Husband I Hired A Crew To Clean The Garage?
“I live in a northern state that borders Canada, so winters here are very cold.
For several years now – close to 10 – I have not been able to park my car in the garage because of all the mess in there. It consisted mostly of garbage, old linens that will never be used again, art supplies, things belonging to my husband, etc.
For years I have wanted to clean out the garage, but it was too big a job to do myself. My husband said repeatedly that he would do it, but he never did. As you might have guessed, I’ve been extremely frustrated by this.
Recently my parents gave me a sizable amount of money.
They were adamant that the money was mine (i.e. not my husband’s) to do with whatever I chose. So, I hired a crew and had the garage cleaned out. I worked alongside the crew going through things, pointing out things to stay or go, and putting stuff into the truck myself.
I had this done 10 days ago. My husband just noticed this morning, and he was incredibly angry. I told him what I did. His first question was ‘Where’s my stuff?’ I told him it was all there, just moved around to get the cleaning done, and I pointed some of it out.
Our argument continued, but we weren’t able to resolve anything. He was so enraged that he stomped around the house getting ready for work and walked out the door without even saying goodbye. I walked out onto the porch to give him a chance to say something, but he said nothing.
He just got in his car and drove away.
AITJ for having the garage cleaned out? I’m just so tired of parking my car outside in the winter when I have a perfectly good 2-car garage to put it in. I’m in my fifties and I just want to keep my car inside so I don’t have to clean it off every time we have snow.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I do think, to be generous and above the board, you probably should have told him ‘I’m hiring people to come help clean out the garage on x date. We’ll be reorganizing the items we keep. Please let me know if any items need to stay or can’t be moved.’ But at the end of the day, he has had years to get this done and has continually chosen not to.
You made sure none of his items were disposed of, just moved so there’s room to park. He doesn’t get to stomp around because you were actually able to get it done.” PeachState1
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You are totally right to do this but you still need to communicate.
There was no good reason to not tell him. In his eyes, you just paid a bunch of strangers to inspect, move around, and possibly throw away his belongings. You don’t blindside spouses like this. Don’t care if he had ten years to clean the garage.
Takes ten seconds to say you hired people to do so. He will still get angry, but he won’t get to say he was blindsided (like he gets to do now).” Threeballer97
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. I get the desire to have the garage cleaned, but I also know that I would be extremely frustrated if someone hired a company to come in and move all my stuff without being told.
It would be different if he had been told that the company would be coming. But even then… How would you feel if he did that to your stuff? Probably not great. Did you, at some point, offer to help him clean? It may be – speaking from experience – that he has felt overwhelmed with it and is not sure where to start.
I have been there many times and have had people help me clean and organize because, with my own anxiety and depression, it’s hard sometimes. Not saying that’s 100% what’s going on there, but it makes me wonder.” NotDefinedByAName
5. AITJ For Refusing To Sell My Late Fiancé's Belongings To My Stepdad?
“I (29 female) lost my fiancé (36 male) 7 months ago unexpectedly. My fiancé was literally the best guy I have ever met my soulmate and the best relationship I have ever had and we were perfect for each other. He was the most carefree person I have ever met.
We were both sharing a house with my mom and stepdad as my stepdad wasn’t working and my mom was recently disabled and not working either. My fiancé and I both had jobs I am still with my company currently and we were squirreling away money to get a place of our own.
We were also paying all the bills at this home to help them out and we even used our squirrel fund to get my mom’s car out of repossession after they towed it for non-payment. My mom never told me she was so behind and was getting short-term disability at the time so since he and I were covering bills I thought she was paying it.
I came home from work and found him passed away in our bed and this has been the hardest time in my life. I still cry almost every day and getting out of bed to go to work and be productive at work and home is extremely difficult for me.
Since he died I have not been able to part with any of his belongings from his clothes to his body wash and shampoo in the bathroom. Everything is where he left it. The only thing that I have cleared out is his nightstand and dresser drawers because when he moved in I had to shove all my stuff in a few drawers.
I still have everything it’s just in a box in our room. His hats are still on his side of the room on the wall where he left them. After he moved in, I put command hooks on the wall and made him a little set up of his hats.
Because he has so many and he loved it. And they are still there and all of his toiletries are where they were.
My stepdad has asked me numerous times to give him or sell him his bathroom stuff such as body wash, shampoos, etc and I say no I don’t want to move it.
Tonight he asked again and it’s been really tough with Thanksgiving next week and he has been on my mind every second. So tonight I burst into tears and yelled at him that I couldn’t understand why he couldn’t leave it alone and stormed off.
Now my stepdad is mad and is not talking to me. AITJ for not wanting to part with my fiancé’s stuff 7 months after losing him?”
Another User Comments:
“Holding onto things like toiletries and clothes for a while can help to cushion the blow of losing someone.
When those things are put away or given away, it can feel like that person’s presence has been erased. The truth is that your fiance will always be a part of you, but having visual reminders of him, when life was normal, can be comforting.
You should deal with your late fiance’s belongings in whatever way you choose, and ‘on your own timetable’. There are no deadlines. Nothing is harmed by waiting until you are ready, which may take a very long time. Your stepfather is being a jerk to nag you about it.
I’m so sorry that you’ve lost such a special person and in such a traumatic way. Please be gentle with yourself.” frog_ladee
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but it sounds like you could benefit from grief counseling. At some point, you will need to detach or you’ll become obsessive with respect to your fiancé’s personal effects.
That can be dangerous for your mental health. That said, everyone grieves differently and on their own time. There’s no magical way to speed up that process. But it can certainly help to talk to a counselor to get perspective and how to deal with that grief appropriately.” GorzekTheGreat
4. AITJ For Asking My Partner To Change Her Alarm Tone?
“I (nonbinary, 23) am autistic. I was diagnosed at seven years old, and after that, my family always treated me like I was several years younger than I was. I was deemed incapable of looking after myself, never allowed to walk, take the bus to school, or go out on my own (to the shopping center, for example) without my parents in the same building.
My mother in particular insisted on singing a lullaby to me every night for eleven years.
I moved out as soon as I hit 18 and had to miss out on the chance to go to university so that I could work full-time to support myself (most of my family, including my parents, cut me off for being ‘ungrateful’).
I have been in therapy to help me process these issues, but they are very deep-seated.
I met my partner (F 24) two years ago at the local library. She asked for my number and we hit it off right away. I have told her about my issues, but not in great depth.
Three weeks ago, the lease on her apartment was up and we decided to rent a place together. We went half on everything, the deposit, the utilities, and the rent. We also share a bed. I get up for work at 8 AM every weekday, because my boss supports me in my need for routine so my shifts always start at the same time.
My partner has odd shifts and can wake up between 5:30 and 9 AM. I have no issue with this, I would just roll over and go back to sleep, but her alarm tone is what I don’t like.
It’s a lullaby. Not the same one my mother sang, but it makes me uncomfortable with how similar it is.
Four times so far, her alarm had gone off before mine, and I couldn’t go back to sleep because I was emotionally upset.
Yesterday, I had a meltdown after she left the house, and had to call off work.
This evening, when I was calmer and she hadn’t had a day of work that would maybe make her too tired for an important conversation, I brought up that I’d her change her alarm tone, because it makes me feel infantilized again.
She sighed and said that she liked it because it was the same song as her grandma’s music box and woke her up gently. I tried to explain why I disliked it so much, but I was rapidly losing my composure. I stuttered for a bit, then she got angry and told me ‘If you don’t want to feel infantilized you should man up’ (I am nonbinary, but assigned male at birth) ‘and get over it, it’s just an alarm.
Grow up.’
She went to stay with her mother for the night. I still love her and don’t want to break up, but I told my sister with whom I still have contact, and she said it was a stupid thing to fight over, and I should have just left it alone.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“She has expressed her frustration badly, but she is not exactly wrong. Why should she change her alarm simply because it’s the same GENRE of music that your mother used to sing you asleep? It’s been a part of her routine for as long as she has needed it.
She has fond memories of lullabies. It makes waking up easier for her, and her sleep schedule is irregular so it’s already more difficult for her to wake up at different times. And what if you have kids in the future? Will you ban all lullabies from your household forever?
You will not allow your kids to be sung to sleep by any lullaby simply because you have bad associations with 1 singular song?
No one should ‘man up’ or subscribe to sexist terms. But yes you are wrong for banning an entire genre of music from being played by your partner simply because you have bad associations with 1 singular song of that genre.
It’s not the same song, it’s just the same genre of music. You have to learn that one song is not representative of an entire genre and that other people can have positive associations with a genre you’ve had a bad experience with.” Calm_Brick_6608
Another User Comments:
“Leaning to NTJ. This is a difficult one because I firmly believe that when it comes to triggers, we are definitely in charge of how we deal with them ourselves. They show us something that we need to work on BUT NOT use to control other people’s actions.
It seems as though you are working through said issues with a therapist, however, which is fantastic – keep going, proud of you. I think working on your ability to remain composed when discussing your feelings and why they’re raw is important here. Approaching with kindness always wins.
BUT it is unacceptable for her to use your NB/Gender. I would say this is a massive red flag that when there’s a disagreement, she may resort to very personal attacks that have the propensity to destroy the relationship instantly. She is the jerk.” Omni2468
3. AITJ For Not Giving My Nephew Christmas Presents?
“I have two children (21 m & 18 f), my younger brother has two children (25 f & 22 m), and my older brother has three children (30 m, 26 f & 6 m). This is about my older brother, ‘Jake’, and his youngest son ‘Timmy’.
When our children were growing up, my brothers and I had an agreement that we’d buy each of our nephews/nieces Christmas presents until they were 18. There was never an expectation to spend a certain amount of money, just to have something for them to unwrap.
However, when Jake’s daughter turned 18 and we started sending him ‘family’ presents instead of individual presents for each of them, he stopped sending presents for our children too, despite our prior agreement. We argued about this a few times considering we spent more years buying for his children than he did ours, but eventually, we just settled that we were on ‘Christmas card’ terms and did not expect presents from him, nor did we send any.
My younger brother and I still send each other ‘family’ presents every year – like a big box of chocolates or something – and when Jake found out about this, he was furious. He thought that we just ‘didn’t do gifts anymore’ but since we do, he feels entitled to 6 years of gifts on Timmy’s behalf.
I said that that was ridiculous because he was the one that broke the agreement, his older children got 18 years of presents from me while my children were 12 and 10 the last time they received something from him.
Unfortunately, this came to a head at my aunt’s wake, where Jake and his partner confronted me and my wife demanding to know why I didn’t care enough to send Timmy Christmas presents like I had his older children (his partner, who is not his older children’s mother, was very annoyed about this) I explained it was not that I had anything against the boy personally, but with his older children we had had an agreement to send presents to each other’s children, and he had broken said agreement when his daughter aged out of it, and I saw no reason why I should be obliged to spend money on his son when he had not done so for my children.
He gave me a plethora of excuses and said that it was unfair to ‘punish’ his son for his mistake. He demanded I buy Timmy something to ‘make up’ for lost time. I asked if he was going to make up for the many years my children missed out too, but he just called me a jerk.
My wife, my younger brother, and his wife are obviously on my side, but a couple of family members have mentioned that they do think it unfair I am ‘punishing’ Timmy for his father’s actions and that Jake is not in the financial position he was when his other children were growing up, so he already worries Timmy’s holidays are inadequate compared to the photos of his previous Christmases when his older children were young.
I genuinely do not dislike my nephew – I hardly know him in all honesty – and while I do not think I am entirely in the wrong here, I do think I might be being too stubborn. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“The only way this would be fair would be if Jake sent 6 years’ worth of gifts to your son and 8 years’ worth of gifts to your daughter.
Then and only then would it be fair to send gifts to Timmy, following the letter and spirit of your agreement before he broke it. He made the decision to break the agreement when it no longer benefitted his children. He doesn’t get to jump back on it as if nothing ever changed.
It’s not a matter of punishing Timmy, even though it looks like it.
‘a couple of family members has mentioned that they do think it unfair I am ‘punishing’ Timmy for his father’s actions and that Jake is not in the financial position he was when his other children were growing up’.
They can send gifts to Timmy then. Jeez. Who asked Jake to have a third kid he had no means for? NTJ.” ChibiSailorMercury
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s funny how the one who broke the initial agreement now believes they are the aggrieved one. The petty part of me would say that Tommy gets make-up gifts when your children get their make-up gifts for the 6 and 8 years they missed (assuming my maths is correct).
You have no obligation to give him presents.
Usually, I am one to side with the child, and say, ‘It’s Christmas’, but you’ve said you hardly know him, so I am imagining you don’t really see him often, and that changes it. Gifts are not transactional, and more of an expression of love.
But the one who broke the agreement, then settled with being on Christmas card terms cannot now complain. Keep doing family gifts with your other brother, and have an amazing Christmas.” NoteRCT
2. AITJ For Not Wanting My Mom And Aunt At My Wedding?
“So my fiancé (23 M) and I (22 F) are getting married in a few weeks. We’ve been together since high school and last year he proposed to me. Since then we’ve been taking our time planning our wedding and managed to book a pretty popular venue that we are both really excited about.
My best friend since middle school (Abby, 22 F) has designed and made a custom wedding dress for me, which looks absolutely stunning and I couldn’t be happier with it.
Now a few months ago I discovered I was pregnant. It came as a surprise but we’re both really happy about it.
With the wedding already having been planned, however, I’ll definitely be showing quite a bit during my wedding. Abby has been working on modifying the dress so I’d still be able to wear it (she is the best honestly!).
Last weekend I had a fitting for the dress and my mom and aunt accompanied me.
After I put on the dress, I was so happy because it looked amazing! It doesn’t try to hide my pregnancy belly, but it makes everything look so elegant. My mom and aunt started laughing though, saying I look ridiculous and that it’d be better to postpone the wedding until after I give birth.
Besides the fact that postponing the wedding means we’ll have to wait at least another year because the venue is so popular and pretty much always booked, I thought I looked beautiful so their comments really hurt me. It really hurt Abby as well as she’d been working so hard on the dress.
I told my mom and aunt that they were being incredibly rude and that they were not welcome at my wedding unless they apologized, but they responded by saying I was overreacting and that I needed to learn to take a joke. They’re just trying to make sure I have the perfect wedding that I won’t regret later, and that my pregnancy hormones are making me make bad decisions.
I sent them away at that point to finish the fitting without them, but now I’m really doubting myself whether I really was overreacting. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – there were about 100 ways they could have expressed those opinions with kindness and instead chose to act in a way that would clearly hurt you.
Honestly, if this is how they treat you and didn’t even have the good grace to pretend to be sorry I wouldn’t want them there either. Your hormones can fog your brain and make your emotions stronger, but that is not an excuse to hurt you and then blame you for being hurt.
Which is exactly what they did. Anyone you care about laughing at your wedding dress and telling you how it’s all wrong would be hurtful. Pregnancy or not.” sinloxie
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – What was the punchline to that obviously hilarious joke? You were honey.
It is not in jest to say ‘I look ridiculous’. That is just malice. They know all about ‘hormones’ but not the part where ‘joking’ about how ‘ridiculous’ they think you look, impacts your confidence?
NEVER forget that your dress made you ‘so happy because it looked amazing!’ – Hold onto that because I bet you do look amazing in it.
They sound jealous and petty. How does knocking your confidence equate to you having the ‘perfect wedding’ a perfect wedding is one where both the bride and groom have the most beautiful day together, celebrating their love. Stand your ground OP, otherwise, they will walk all over you.
They are the jerks here.” Political-Beast
1. AITJ For Refusing To Honor My Sister's Dad By Naming My Son After Him?
“I (25 F) have a sister (15 F) who is my mom’s daughter with her second husband. My mom married my sister’s dad when I was 8, just a few months after my dad died. My parents’ marriage was over pretty much when he died. I’m almost positive she was with my sister’s dad before my dad died and before the marriage was over.
But their marriage was crappy so maybe it doesn’t matter. Not sure Dad would have even cared at the point when he died. They were not good together.
My mom’s husband/sister’s dad is my stepdad. But he is my mom’s husband. I’m not close to him.
I don’t have much to say about him. I think he can be a jerk but he is good to my mom and good to my sister and brother (12 M). He would have adopted me and been good to me but he is not someone I would have wanted to be adopted by if I wanted to be adopted. It’s a lot about him as a person and his views and stuff he says about people and somewhat about him not being so great about my dad after he and mom got married but I digress.
My sister knows I don’t have much of a relationship with her dad. I do the bare minimum and if Mom died tomorrow or they divorced tomorrow, I wouldn’t remain in touch with him. He knows it. Mom knows it. My siblings at least pick up on it.
I gave my son a name that honours not just my dad but my aunts, uncles, and grandparents too. It’s a name that connects to the family as a whole but gives him his own identity and is also a name we (my husband and myself) love.
After my son was born my sister made some comments that I should have honored her dad in his name somehow. I told her that wasn’t something we wanted to do but she could always do so in the future if she wanted. She did not let it drop.
She mentioned it every time I saw her for the next month. When I did not give in and add a different middle name or change his name completely, she told me her dad was upset that we honoured my dad and his side of the family but didn’t honour him at all.
I told her again she could always do it. I told my mom and her husband they needed to speak to my sister and tell her to stop mentioning it and I told him to stop letting my sister know he hates not being honoured.
They didn’t listen and just before Christmas my sister came over to tell me yet again that her dad wanted to be honoured in my son’s name and hated that he wasn’t and that he felt hurt. I told her I didn’t care what her dad wanted. He is not my dad and I honored my dad and my paternal family and that’s my right when my son is mine and my husband’s child.
I told her to honour her dad when she has kids if she wants.
She got really upset and told me I should care about what her dad wants because he has been my dad too since I was 8 and I shouldn’t dismiss him so easily.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you have expressed your feelings for years, and it seems no one cares about your feelings. It doesn’t matter how long you have known him. HE IS NOT YOUR FATHER!
As you said if he wants to be honoured, he has two children who can do that for him.
It is not up to you to make him feel like all of a sudden he matters to you. He knew he was your mother’s husband all along, and you have never given him any inclining that he was more than that. Now he and your sister are pushing their feelings onto something that has nothing to do with them.
I am petty and I would tell them that you don’t want your child to be stuck with the name ‘jerk’ in order to honor your stepfather. You have tried to be diplomatic by telling her that she can honor her father when she has children, but she does not get to you tell what to name your child, and the discussion is closed. Let her know that if she and her father can’t let it go you will have no choice but to break contact with them.” Icy_Doughnut_4241
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Can I just say, for a moment here, that even if your stepdad was your bio dad, even if he was an amazing dad, that ‘no one is entitled to have a grandchild named after them’? He is not entitled to dictate to you (nor is your sister) who you honour with your child’s name.
Or even if you honour anyone at all! They do not get to throw a temper tantrum because they disagree with the name you picked out with your husband. Only you and your husband get a say, period.
To do so after Son has been born and already named just makes them double jerks, in my opinion, since changing it now would be a huge headache and you’ve already gotten used to the name he has!
No, just no to all of this.
The correct response from your sister and stepdad about your son’s name is ‘What a lovely name, congrats on the new baby again!’ Anything else makes them both jerks. (And just proves that he isn’t worth honouring in the first place.) Congrats on the new baby, by the way, and I’m sure his name is absolutely lovely!” SkepticalShrink
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