People Want Us To Settle Their "Am I The Jerk?" Issue Once And For All

"I (25M) have always had a feminine, baby face. It's not to the point where I get mistaken for a woman when I go out or anything, but enough to where people have commented on it in the past. If I tried to look like a girl, I think I could easily pass for one.

It's also been a running joke between my best friend (28M) and me for him to give me feminine-leaning nicknames. These can range from something subtle (sweetheart, pretty/pretty boy, beautiful) or something much more blatant (dreamgirl is probably the most obvious one I can think of.) I think it's kind of cute.

When he does it when we're out and addresses me that way to other people, the humiliation of it is fun. It's no big deal.

He's done this around my fiancée (23F) from the first time they met, just like he does it around most everyone.

She asked me if I was struggling with my identity a few months into our engagement. I asked what she was talking about, and she pointed out the nicknames and that I might feel more comfortable opening up to a long-time friend than her about something so serious.

I really didn't want to go into some long conversation when I said no and then I had to explain the nicknames, so I just said yeah. It wasn't a total lie considering I don't really care how people perceive me. I still prefer he/him pronouns, but it's not all that important to me.

I told her I was just living life and identity didn't really matter to me, but I had opened up to my friend about some things.

That conversation occurred last month. And last night, she asked me if I was comfortable talking to her about my 'transition' yet.

I was visibly confused and she claimed I had told her I was really confused about my gender identity... something I never said.

I laughed it off, but she won't drop it and is now claiming I've been lying to her about a super serious topic.

AITJ?"

Another User Comments:

"YTJ. Something is amiss. You opened up about some things with your friend but not the woman you plan to marry. On top of that, his feminine nicknames are to you “kind of cute.” To me, it is a lot of mixed messages.

Your fiancée seems precious and kind. It seems you are holding on to her as a placeholder - a just-in-case relationship- more than someone you cherish and want to spend the rest of your life with. Maybe I am reading it wrong. In that case, my apologies." Significant-Stage-54

Another User Comments:

"YTJ. You’re avoiding this conversation because you want your best friend to keep “pleasantly embarrassing” (aka flirting with) you. You chose to lie & say you were struggling with your identity to avoid explaining the nicknames. Obviously, as you said, you don’t care much when it comes to how you’re identified & that’s fine (same here).

But instead of explaining it how you did here, you gave an answer that added more curiosity to something you don’t consider a big deal. This just seems unnecessary when you could’ve A) been honest about the nicknames, or B) communicated your actual feelings identity-wise to avoid this drama. I totally understand it can be hard to open up about your identity, but that’s something you should feel safe to share with your partner. & it’s definitely an issue if you don’t feel safe to be yourself with them." JemmaBearDabDab

Another User Comments:

"The thing about marriage is that person has to be the go-to person. You are choosing to give your life to someone else until you die. That person is supposed to be your best friend. There are of course situations where a person can't talk to a spouse because of trust issues or other problems within a marriage, but it is still your best friend.

Otherwise, what's the point? It sounds to me like she is genuinely accepting of you, even if you were struggling with gender identity. That's rare and special. People aren't always so accepting and loving about that. Marriage at its best is raw and with little room for things like pride and secrecy. YTJ. I don't think you mean to be, but you're not respecting your future wife." berlarae