People Want Us To Settle Their "Am I The Jerk?" Issue Once And For All
19. AITJ For Making My Fiancee Think I'm Questioning My Gender Identity?
“I (25M) have always had a feminine, baby face. It’s not to the point where I get mistaken for a woman when I go out or anything, but enough to where people have commented on it in the past. If I tried to look like a girl, I think I could easily pass for one.
It’s also been a running joke between my best friend (28M) and me for him to give me feminine-leaning nicknames. These can range from something subtle (sweetheart, pretty/pretty boy, beautiful) or something much more blatant (dreamgirl is probably the most obvious one I can think of.) I think it’s kind of cute.
When he does it when we’re out and addresses me that way to other people, the humiliation of it is fun. It’s no big deal.
He’s done this around my fiancée (23F) from the first time they met, just like he does it around most everyone.
She asked me if I was struggling with my identity a few months into our engagement. I asked what she was talking about, and she pointed out the nicknames and that I might feel more comfortable opening up to a long-time friend than her about something so serious.
I really didn’t want to go into some long conversation when I said no and then I had to explain the nicknames, so I just said yeah. It wasn’t a total lie considering I don’t really care how people perceive me. I still prefer he/him pronouns, but it’s not all that important to me.
I told her I was just living life and identity didn’t really matter to me, but I had opened up to my friend about some things.
That conversation occurred last month. And last night, she asked me if I was comfortable talking to her about my ‘transition’ yet.
I was visibly confused and she claimed I had told her I was really confused about my gender identity… something I never said.
I laughed it off, but she won’t drop it and is now claiming I’ve been lying to her about a super serious topic.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Something is amiss. You opened up about some things with your friend but not the woman you plan to marry. On top of that, his feminine nicknames are to you “kind of cute.” To me, it is a lot of mixed messages.
Your fiancée seems precious and kind. It seems you are holding on to her as a placeholder – a just-in-case relationship- more than someone you cherish and want to spend the rest of your life with. Maybe I am reading it wrong. In that case, my apologies.” Significant-Stage-54
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You’re avoiding this conversation because you want your best friend to keep “pleasantly embarrassing” (aka flirting with) you. You chose to lie & say you were struggling with your identity to avoid explaining the nicknames. Obviously, as you said, you don’t care much when it comes to how you’re identified & that’s fine (same here).
But instead of explaining it how you did here, you gave an answer that added more curiosity to something you don’t consider a big deal. This just seems unnecessary when you could’ve A) been honest about the nicknames, or B) communicated your actual feelings identity-wise to avoid this drama.
I totally understand it can be hard to open up about your identity, but that’s something you should feel safe to share with your partner. & it’s definitely an issue if you don’t feel safe to be yourself with them.” JemmaBearDabDab
Another User Comments:
“The thing about marriage is that person has to be the go-to person. You are choosing to give your life to someone else until you die. That person is supposed to be your best friend. There are of course situations where a person can’t talk to a spouse because of trust issues or other problems within a marriage, but it is still your best friend.
Otherwise, what’s the point? It sounds to me like she is genuinely accepting of you, even if you were struggling with gender identity. That’s rare and special. People aren’t always so accepting and loving about that. Marriage at its best is raw and with little room for things like pride and secrecy.
YTJ. I don’t think you mean to be, but you’re not respecting your future wife.” berlarae
18. AITJ For Excluding My Cousin From Family Dinner Outings Because She's Vegan?
The cousin needs to really sit down and reevaluate how she treats others regarding her beliefs on veganism.
“I (25m) come from a family in which my parents like to do frequent dinner outings. When I still lived with them, we would go out 2-3 times a month with my aunt and her family.
This wouldn’t be an issue if it weren’t for my cousin Kayla (16F). Ever since late elementary school, she has been vegan. This wouldn’t be an issue if she didn’t force it upon others during every outing. Whenever we all go out, she forces everyone to go to vegan-only places.
Whenever an attempt to go to a non-vegan-only place is made, she throws a fit. This fit in turn leads to both my parents and hers caving into her demands.
When I moved out just over two years ago, I decided that I had had enough of that and her.
My answer to dealing with her was to simply cut her out of any plans that involved meals. This however was never tested due to recent events. That was until this past week when I decided to reach out to my other cousins. Since it has been over two years since we have all gone out, I decided to invite them to a group dinner.
As part of the invite, I made it clear that Kayla nor our parents were invited. Nobody had any objections and the restaurant we chose was a nice steakhouse. Everything was solid until it came time to pick up a cousin who didn’t have a car.
While on my way there, he called me to say that his mother had forced Kayla on him. This didn’t work for two reasons; the first was that none of us wanted to deal with her. The second was that the restaurant bans people under 18 years old after 7:00 pm.
To spare my cousins, I decided to take the heat and pull the adult card on her. When I showed up I said that she couldn’t come because the place is for adults only after 7:00 pm. When she started trying to argue I held my ground and said the best I can do is drive her back home.
In the end, this was what I wound up doing before the rest of us went out to eat. While we had a great time the aftermath of this was huge as both my parents and theirs think I am a huge jerk.
Am I a jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I can understand being flexible around someone else’s dietary restrictions to a certain degree, however, she is vegan out of personal choice, and kudos to her for doing something that she believes in. However, at the end of the day, it is a choice she is making and she should understand that the world and other people’s plans do not bend to her will.
If she wants to have any kind of friends who are not vegan, she needs to find food at places where a majority of people tend to eat. If those places do not exist, then she can find some other place to eat or just not go with that group of people.
She is none of y’all’s child and none of your responsibility. If your parents and her parents are upset, tell them to take their own child out to vegan places themselves. Why should a group of adults change their plans on someone else’s? She got voted out, and she and her family need to deal with it.” migzors
Another User Comments:
“I am largely vegan but I consider it a personal choice. I would never, in my wildest dreams, force my choices on other people and will always compromise if I am going to a restaurant or someone’s house to eat. I cannot expect other people to change their behavior for me.
Apart from the entitled teenager thing, I think you have to accept that she is, first and foremost, a teenager. Everything in life is intense at sixteen, so hopefully, she will grow out of it as she gets older. Saying that, it would seem that she is less to blame than her, and your, parents.
She can get a bit of a pass because she is young and stupid but the parents should know better. Much better. NTJ and how good you must have felt to play the ‘adults only’ card. That must have stung her.” Funkyzebra1999
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. For one, it’s not your rule, it’s the restaurant’s rule. You saved her from being turned away at the door and embarrassing herself. Second, I think it’s totally acceptable to ask everyone to go to a restaurant with vegan options (real ones, not fries and a dry salad), but you grossly limit everyone’s choices to demand a vegan-only restaurant.
I get that sometimes vegans get burned by careless cooks or waiters and we don’t want to run the risk of getting served something we won’t eat, but if that’s your choice, it’s -your- choice. You don’t get to push that on everyone else unless you invited everyone and you’re buying.
And if your friends don’t want free vegan food from a vegan-only restaurant, they are welcome to turn down the invitation, just like vegans are free to turn down an invitation to a restaurant that serves steaks.” peony_chalk
17. AITJ For Refusing To Pull My Kid Out Of Camp Because His Step-Cousin Can't Afford To Go?
“My son Jake is currently in 8th grade. So is his cousin Phil and step-cousin Mike. Phil is my wife’s brother’s kid, and Mike is my sister Beth’s stepson. All of them play soccer and are pretty good. They don’t all go to the same elementary school now but will be in the same high school.
They see each other pretty regularly. The flagship state university about 2 hours from us has a really cool week-long soccer camp this summer that registration has just opened up for. All 3 of them would be qualified for it based on the select teams (try-out required) they play for.
The camp is not cheap (about 3k), but I think it’ll be a great experience, and the coach for the high school they’re going to is somewhat involved in the operations of it, so going may help the odds of making the highly competitive soccer team.
Jake is really excited, and we were going to register him for the camp, same deal with Phil. My sister and her husband, however, don’t think they can afford it due to Beth’s husband getting recently laid off. I feel bad, but it is what it is.
They suggested we all send them to an in-town camp at the same time which is about 1/4th the price. I talked with Jake, and he’d much rather do the stay-away one, and I agree he should, so I’m fine with paying for it.
Beth, however, is begging me to reconsider.
I thought about offering to pay for Mike, but my wife said we shouldn’t because we’ll be going on a vacation to a very nice adults-only all-inclusive while he’s away to make the most of it, and that’s just a lot of money to spend.
Since telling Beth, she’s been really mad at me and saying I’m being a bad brother/uncle and rubbing it in by taking a 4k vacation the week of. She thinks this is going to increase the divide the kids already have due to the step dynamic.
I feel kinda bad for Mike but also feel like Beth is overthinking it and it will be just fine. AITJ for this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your job is to provide the best opportunity for YOUR child. He wants to go. You send him.
Then enjoy the crap out of the vacation YOUR family saved for and earned. It’s not your problem if you can provide more. (I do very well at times and live in a very nice vacation area. It’s unreal how many “family” members think they should just have what we have and expect us to “share” our life.
Uh no. I did this. Me. For me and my family. Not yours. You did nothing to get me here.)” Responsible-Stick-50
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You can afford to send your son to a camp he really wants to attend, and that’s great! You can also add to take the time that he is being cared for 24-7 to have couple time: also great!
But it’s not your fault that Mike can’t afford to go.
My dad’s family (my dad, mom, bro, and me) and my dad’s younger brother’s family (uncle, aunt, male cousin, female cousin 1, and female cousin 2) had a huge income disparity when I was growing up.
My dad’s parents were poor farmers, and my dad left home after high school and learned to be a journeyman electrician. He married my mom who has a degree in business, and they pooled their resources and opened a successful store. They didn’t have kids until their mid-30s.
My uncle dropped out of high school, bummed around a bit (this was the 60s), impregnated a high school girl when he was in his 20s and 3 kids. He would quit jobs to see a concert and get a new one (easy to during building heyday in the 60s), but when the gas and oil industry tanked in my home state, his employment options dried up.
He moved into a trailer on my grandparents’ properties and raised his family there.
Meanwhile, my bro and I had a carefree ’80s childhood. My parents worked hard, expanded, invested, and saved. My Dad (who, again, grew up poor) created scholarships at my high school to pay for: Fees to attend sports and science camps, fees for graduation costs, fees to cover prom wear, and ticket fees for the local community college I graduated high school 35 years ago, and my aunt (Dad’s bro’s wife) went to her grave in 2016 angry that my brother and I went to Disneyland in 1980, to Niagara Falls in 1987, and that we both went to college (state colleges!
On academic scholarship!) and my dad “never lifted a finger to help her kids.” Her daughters both dropped out of high school. We didn’t even have social media to post about our trips or awards back then.
There are always going to be people who can’t just say, “We can’t afford that, but you can have this” and instead get angry that other people have more.
I’m not saying your sister is at fault, at all. But reasonable people know that getting laid off requires sacrifices.” Mouse-Direct
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I once got sent to a sleepaway camp that my cousins could afford, and our parents thought it would be a great time for all of us to bond.
I got bullied the entire month for being “rich” because I went to a “good” school, and my parents could have sent me to a better camp. These were shockingly rough kids who probably went through a lot in life, and I was naive and sheltered. We didn’t mix.
Send your kid to the better camp. If you can afford to send your nephew, do it. They’ll make lifelong memories and maybe even have an edge as a group already going into the camp knowing one another. Yes, it costs a lot, but family is important, and they’re lucky to have one another.
If it’s too much, it’s too much. Not your responsibility. But this is one of those very few things I personally would splurge on.” futuremrssomething
16. AITJ For Still Being Upset About What Everyone Got Me For Christmas?
“My sister, Joanne, is 24. She’s severely autistic and has Down syndrome. She has the mental age of a 5-7-year-old with little to no hope of ever maturing beyond that point.
She has frequent meltdowns, needs constant monitoring, and is very much sensory-seeking. My brother, Cody, is 19, and he’s also severely autistic and mentally at the level of an 18-month-old. I’m 17f. I’m also autistic, but my support needs are relatively low, and I can pass as neurotypical, so I feel like I get pushed aside a lot.
Joanne and Cody share a bedroom because one parent always has to be with them; it’s simply just easier. I have my own room, my parents have “their room,” which only one sleeps in at a time, and it’s overrun with my siblings’ stuff. There was a guest room, but honestly, no one ever even wants to come to dinner at our house, let alone, stay a night, so it never got used.
My parents decided that Santa was going to convert the guest room into a sensory room for Joanne and Cody for Christmas since it would mean that their room isn’t filled to the brim with crap. Doing that cost them around 10 grand to do. They also got some new toys, and Joanne got a new iPad because apparently, she needs two at a time now.
Santa brought me a bottle of Poundland perfume that I can’t use because strong smells upset Cody, some socks, and a selection box. I was pretty upset about that all last week, but I kind of understood that it’s something my parents needed to make their life easier, and I could do without.
My grandparents on my dad’s side got me a toy designed for actual toddlers. It sings. I think that’s because they still think I’m at the same level as my siblings.
My mom’s parents were asking what I got for Christmas and I told them.
They already knew what my parents had planned for my siblings but apparently mentioned nothing about what they had planned for me. I told them, and my grandparents weren’t too impressed about it. They ended up picking a fight with my parents, who defended themselves by saying I’d be happy with a cardboard box and a marker.
My grandparents left, and my parents asked me if was I upset about what I got, and I said I was because it’s not the first time I’ve been looked over and not given much thought to. I told them it wasn’t fair they could spend 10 grand on my siblings but less than a full percentage of that on me.
They told me I needed to get over myself and start being more understanding because the world wouldn’t cater to what I wanted in life, and embarrassing them in front of my mom’s parents was out of line. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I have an INFO request too.
If this post were just, ‘My siblings got better gifts than I did for Christmas by an actual order of magnitude,’ then it would be ESH, but the underlying issue is that your parents are used to your siblings needing all the attention, time and resources, and what you’re really saying is that hurts, and you deserve equal resources and attention and time.
Yeah, you do. What is up with the cardboard box comment? Do you have any more detail as to why they’d say something like that?” SilentSeaweed24
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They have bigger fish to fry so they neglect you emotionally. It’s easier to do because you understand where they are coming from and allow it to happen (correct me if I’m wrong) You have no support besides your maternal grandparents it seems and that sucks.
I don’t see this getting better tho. They don’t want to admit they’ve done you wrong. When I get gifts I don’t ask for anything fancy or expensive, just something personal. I usually get money and pajamas. As does everyone so I accept it and move on.
You got a toddler’s toy. You will not use it. Most likely your siblings will use it. You got perfume. You are not allowed to use it. (I suspect this to be a regift as why would a present known to be unusable be bought in the first place?) You got socks.
You can use it. How utilitarian. You got a selection box. . . I don’t know what that is. Your family bought many many gifts for your siblings all of which they can use and would want. The difference is obvious.” Alarmed_Tea_1710
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, so your parents got you literal garbage and are asking why you’re upset?
And really it sounds like they’re only asking if you’re upset because they’re trying to continue the conditioning they’ve been doing for years and just get you to say that you’re fine with it. They’ve had you play caretaker and put your needs below your siblings, and are demanding that you still do so and are satisfied with that.
I think you should hold on to the perfume that you cannot use as a motivation to get out of this house as soon as you can. Don’t let them clip your wings, build your independence and get out of this house. It sounds like your maternal grandparents are people you should talk to and see if you can count on support from them since your parents are really indicating that they want you to throw away your own needs and desires and fit in where they want you to.” JCBashBash
15. AITJ For Forgetting My Mom's Birthday?
He had a good reason for forgetting.
“I (25M) have a wife (24F) for the sake of the story let’s call her Amelia.
Amelia and I got married 2 years ago, coming up to 3 years in June. We have recently just had our first baby. A beautiful baby girl.
My mom never was a huge fan of my wife for reasons I will never know, but I don’t care as I love Amelia so much, and I’ve had to defend her against my mom multiple times.
My wife’s labor lasted much longer than we expected. She started on Thursday evening and delivered our baby on Monday during the very early hours of the morning.
As you can imagine, it was a long process, and she was exhausted and so was I as I wasn’t sleeping unless she was asleep.
My mom’s birthday was on a Saturday, and she had a whole party planned out. Amelia at this point was in awful pain very consistently meaning I was constantly by her side doing whatever she needed me to do, meaning that on Friday night, we got no sleep, so when Saturday came around, we both were fighting the sleep and could barely stay awake.
Because of this, I just completely forgot it was my mom’s birthday, as I didn’t really look much at my phone, and if I did, it would be for entertainment for my wife and me. We both agreed beforehand that when the time came, we would send the initial text that the baby was coming, but that would be it, and we wouldn’t respond to any other text until after.
Well, my baby girl was finally born, and we announced it to our family. Then I got to replying to my messages from the past few days and that’s when I saw my mom text about it being her birthday and she sent a few more after, expressing her anger for me not getting in contact.
So I called her up apologizing but explaining that I genuinely forgot, and it wasn’t intentional. She went on to blame my wife by saying she purposely went into labor right around her birthday in order to “steal her spotlight from her son” which I found really weird to say.
From this comment alone, I got annoyed and just told her to leave me and my wife alone and that she isn’t welcome at our house for the next few days, she can wait till she’s over her fit to see her granddaughter.
My whole family has been calling me a jerk and that I am a bad son for not remembering my mom’s birthday, but I’m an even worse son for not letting her meet her grandbaby.
It’s annoying because all we want to do is enjoy our new baby together, just the two of us without anyone being a bother.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You didn’t intentionally forget your mom’s birthday… you were supporting your wife giving BIRTH. A difficult one at that.
That she could make your wife’s difficult, scary labor about HER and have the audacity to say your wife planned that to steal her spotlight screams narcissist. It’s also completely NORMAL to wait a few days for family to meet a new baby, for goodness sake.
Everyone but you and your wife are jerks here. Congrats on the new addition to your family.” Independent-Length54
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Congratulations on the birth of your daughter. Calmly and firmly tell your mother that the blame lays on your daughter who decided that she was going to come when she wanted to and decided to have some fun with her parents before she made her grand entrance and as such she didn’t care that it was her grandmother’s birthday.
She couldn’t decide whether she was comfortable or not and despite what her grandmother thinks the world revolves around her it doesn’t because the new queen in the family has finally arrived. Then calmly and firmly tell your mother that being a grandparent is a privilege and not a given right, and if she’s going to be continuously disrespectful towards your wife, then she’s only got herself to blame for not meeting your daughter as your daughter doesn’t need to be around people who are disrespectful towards her mother.
No child needs to see that, and your daughter doesn’t need to grow up thinking that it’s ok to be rude and disrespectful towards someone just because they are family. You didn’t deliberately forget your mother’s birthday; your wife was in labor and you had your mind on both your wife and at the time your unborn daughter.
As for other extended family members, the same thing applies to them, that meeting your daughter is a privilege and not a given right, and when you married your wife, she became your immediate family, and they need to accept that the birth of your first child – nope, the birth of any of your kids and the safety and well-being of your wife will always come first, and you’re not sorry that you were both exhausted beyond belief.
Whilst you’ve apologized for forgetting her birthday, you’re not sorry for putting your wife first, and they need to mind their own business because those in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Besides, what’s the old saying: a daughter’s a daughter all her life, a son’s a son until he takes a wife.
Keep kicking butt when it comes to sticking up for your wife and child. You’re doing a great job.” G8RTOAD
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and OMG. A normal mother would be worried they hadn’t heard from you after hearing about your wife going into labor – I’d have been worried sick and that might have manifested itself into being mad that you didn’t put my mind at rest once every 24 hours just to confirm everyone was still alive – but that would have been immediately replaced with relief and joy.
My birthday would not even enter into the equation. Cannot imagine a mother who believes that your wife chose when to go into labor, and wasn’t worried for you and her grandchild – even if she can’t spare a feeling for your wife – and worse – makes it all about her and her birthday!
You enjoy your baby in peace and let people visit when you are ready. You’d be within your rights to ask for an apology beforehand. I’m almost more snooped at the rest of your family backing up this ridiculous behavior of your mother – she obviously is who she is but surely they can see sense!” Coast-Prestigious
14. AITJ For Fencing Off Our Shared Backyard For Privacy?
“We recently purchased an attached rowhouse on a corner lot, meaning we only have one neighbor to the right of us. There are four units in total. There is another house that faces our backyards that has a fence installed facing B/C/D’s backyards but not ours.
All units have front yards.
After having a land survey completed, we began to renovate our backyard, including installing fencing to close in the backyard and provide some privacy, as it had previously been completely open. We spoke to town zoning which confirmed fencing requirements (under six feet requires no permit, posts can be placed right up to the property line) and our fence contractor began to work on getting it up.
By closing in our backyard, it also completely closed in our neighbor (B), as the abutting properties to her already had fences installed. Our neighbor (B) rents the property and the landlord had previously asked if we would be open to installing a gate between the two properties as there is a shared basement door unit (divided by the property line, our door is on one side, theirs on their side) and he would hate for us to have to remove our panel if they needed to replace a hot water heater or anything in the basement.
Being new neighbors and wanting to be considerate, we agreed but said that the gate would be locked.
We consulted our town’s zoning and fire marshall departments and all said that we did not have to provide any access to our neighbor but we decided to leave the gate up since we had already paid for it to be installed, but we locked the gate from our side.
There is another gate entrance at the front of our driveway, which also has a locking mechanism so people cannot simply open the gate and enter our backyard. We told the landlord that we would have both gates locked and that B was not to enter our property and that the only reason we would open the gate for the landlord was if he asks for permission in advance.
Today, B came and confronted us about why she cannot access our backyard. We explained that it is our private property that we own and that we are not required to allow her access to it. She tried guilt-tripping us by saying that she lives alone and that if there’s an emergency, she will not be able to escape.
Again, we explained that both gates are locked for our privacy and protection – to protect things in our backyard/shed, to allow for us to have a safe space to be outside, etc., and that even if the attached gate was not locked, she would still be trespassing on our property and remain “locked in” – just in our backyard instead of hers.
She was pretty heated about it and while I understand the situation she is in, she chose to rent out an interior unit that is surrounded by other people who own their own properties and can do what they like with them. We are not obligated to keep our backyard open just in case there happens to be an emergency at some point and she needs to escape?
Or does this make us the jerks?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You already paid extra to have gates installed in the fence (should’ve asked the other landlord to reimburse you for that if he wanted it). You put up the fence legally, following code. So what is there to do?
I do understand your neighbor’s feelings though, her backyard is not an escape route anymore. But what are the chances of using it as an escape route anyway?” 3xlduck
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I am not sure how common this is, but it seems like a weird design.
I have lived in attached houses/townhouses before and their backyard fences had gates to a space or alley in the back that separated them from other properties, so everyone had access from the back. But if it doesn’t have backyard access, then it doesn’t have backyard access, and that’s that.
And, B will be able to escape, to her backyard. It’s not like she is stuck in the house with no backdoor. It’s unusual but it’s an issue between her and her landlord, not between you and her.” Chrisfn87
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m having a hard time picturing exactly the space, but regardless it’s your property.
She does not need access to it. She doesn’t need an exit through the back of her home. As others have said if she’s really paranoid about something she can purchase a ladder or step stool to use in case of emergencies. Allowing her access to your backyard is a liability for you as a homeowner.
You don’t want her getting injured on your property that you allowed her entry to. It sucks for her that she thought the property she rented was more accessible than it was, but that seems to be on her landlord, not on you.” MidnightTL
13. AITJ For Purposely Wearing A Short Dress My Parents Weren't Comfortable With?
“Okay, so I (22f) was invited to a big family gathering (kind of a party when you think of it) at my aunt’s house to celebrate my cousin’s graduation.
My sister, mom, and I have this tradition of video chatting to show each other the outfits we would wear to any event, we’d help each other pick and give advice, sometimes lend each other accessories, etc….
I chose to wear a simple long-sleeve black dress and thigh-high boots. When I showed my mom and sister my dress, my sister loved it but my mom said it’s too short and revealing and in bad taste.
I pointed out that my sister’s dress is shorter and more revealing, yet my mother likes it just fine.
My mom said it’s different because my sister is petite and doesn’t have as many curves, while I’m basically a tall girl with “a flashy figure.”
To be honest, her answer made me mad, and for the rest of the call, I made a point of ignoring her requests to see “the other outfit I’m gonna be wearing.” She then told me Dad said he doesn’t like it either, so there’s no point in arguing now, and I might as well pick something else.
I had many options to pick from, but I was sick and tired of covering up because of the shape of my body, and I basically spent my entire teens covering up while my sister lived her best life. I didn’t even wear anything above the knee until I moved out.
I ended up going with the dress I picked, and I had a great time and got a lot of compliments, but my parents sent me a long text later that night saying they’re disappointed in me and they raised me better. My sister says that while she thinks the dress is fine, I should’ve just changed to avoid this unnecessary conflict.
Now I’m thinking I’m the jerk, and the entire thing could’ve been easily avoided.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – unfortunately you are getting what l call big girl fouls. Like you – I have curves. Started growing them young. My sister had a dancer/athlete build in a petite package.
My mother, like yours, could not handle it. The idea that her baby was maturing into someone other people might want to be with made her apoplectic. These were her hang-ups.
And your mom’s hang-ups don’t need to be passed on to you. The answer: find your style and tell your family your choice in clothes is no longer up for discussion.
Learn what looks good on you away from their influence. There are all sorts of stylist videos out there that can help you figure out what really works on you. It can be an emotional journey if you have been body-shamed. But it’s also kind of awesome too.
Good luck, NTJ.” ChakraMama318
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Tell your sister that “you’re not responsible for your parents’ feelings. That you won’t be body shamed, be treated like a child, or just do what someone wants to avoid them being upset. Would she decide to avoid conflict by protecting a person she loved, who is mistreating a child?” I wouldn’t be surprised if your mom is venting to her, and she doesn’t want to hear it from her, nor does she want to support you either because your choice affected her.
However, your sister refuses to see that her lack of defending and support for OP is essentially supporting the maltreatment. She should be defending you. How would she feel if mom kept on insulting her appearance and body on the regular? She has had a very different experience than you growing up, and I think you need to have a blunt conversation with her about it and tell her if she wants to know what it was like, you can go over and treat her the way you have for a couple of hours to see how she felt.
You should go no contact with your parents. They ain’t going to change AND parents or not, you are under no obligation to keep them in your life. They are only happy when you let them control you.” McflyThrowaway01
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you are not making your own decisions as an adult.
You are running all your decisions past your parents and sister. What you have now is a life ruled by a committee, not your choices, not your decisions, but decisions put to a vote. A life of constant compromise. You are not living your ‘best life; you are living theirs by extension like a puppet on a string.
You need to stop putting your choices to a committee and stop oversharing. Put a stop to the guilt trip texts. Face time but no running decisions by them.” deleted
12. AITJ For Refusing To Babysit My Sister During A Family Emergency?
“I (24M) and my wife recently had our 5-year anniversary. We had planned to go to a nice restaurant, then ride in a hot air balloon and then go to a lake and relax.
I was going to buy her flowers and all.
Then out of the blue, one day before my anniversary, I get a text from my mom demanding me to babysit my sister for a week, while she and my dad go visit my aunt who recently got diagnosed with leukemia.
Now, I love my sister. We’re 18 years apart but are still closer than ever. She has a bit of a mental challenge but otherwise is a pretty normal kid.
I was debating whether to say yes, but I didn’t want a kid in tow while I was having an outing with my wife.
So I politely declined and didn’t get an answer, so I thought it was okay.
The next day, we’re at the restaurant when my phone starts buzzing like crazy. I check it, and it’s filled with texts from my mom and dad. They’re calling me all sorts of things and saying that they showed up at my house, only for it to be empty.
They’re now ignoring me when I write to them, and I haven’t gotten an answer.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You had plans. You politely declined, with notice. You are not your sister’s keeper. It’s on them to find a sitter and they had plenty of time to do so, but they failed to do that.
I hope you had a lovely anniversary in spite of it all. Even with the info that your aunt was diagnosed with leukemia, you’re NTJ. It was still on them to either make other plans or communicate with you at all rather than making demands.
If they chose to go just one day later then you could’ve decided if you’d be willing to keep your sister for a week. There were workarounds and other options, they just chose to ignore all of them.” CrimsonKnight_004
Another User Comments:
“Setting aside the already made plans, babysitting a 6yo for a week on a single day’s notice is a ridiculous request. You said you work full time, and this kid is presumably in school, so how is that kid supposed to get to/from school?
Who is going to watch the kid while you are working outside of school hours? Zero logistics and just a drop-off at your house? Jesus freaking Christ, NTJ.” minimally_abrasive
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your parents were thoughtless in demanding that you babysit your sister at almost the last minute.
They were presumptuous to just show up at your house after you had declined their demand. And they could/should have taken your sister with them to visit your aunt. They may want to reread the part in the wedding vows where it states that the newly married couple is now a family.
You do not owe them on-demand babysitting services.” Individual_Ad_9213
11. AITJ For Kicking My Friend Out For Backtracking After She Offered To Pay For Our Girls Night Out?
“I have a friend call her Daniella. Daniella wanted to celebrate her 30th birthday in the city. Of the people our age, she is definitely the richest. She works as a travel nurse, and I remember in 2022, she was bragging to everyone that she made over 300k+.
For her birthday, she wanted to go all out in New York (where I currently live). I told her, I was like hey, I don’t have money like that and neither do our mutual friends. We can go bar hopping in the East Village or Lower East Side, but we don’t have the money for bottle service, and she can spend the weekend in my apartment.
She says she doesn’t care; she is only going to turn 30 once, and she will pay for it.
She comes Thursday and was going to leave on Sunday. Well, here is what happens. Thursday night was a chill night, we went to a rooftop bar and all.
She met some of my friends. Friday night, she wants to do bottle service at this spot, and the table minimum was normally 2.5k, but the host says they will lower the table minimum to 1k since there are mostly women in our group.
We have a mini birthday party at my apartment.
Daniella asks me to invite my cute guy friends as well, and some of the guys she met yesterday. At the party, things get kind of weird where she basically is telling my guy friends that she is going to hook up with one of them tonight, and she isn’t even intoxicated. My guy friends are pretty turned off by this, one they aren’t like those types of guys, and two, Daniella isn’t the most conventionally attractive person either.
And then a lot of my guy friends that she aggressively hit on say they can’t come.
We end up going to the night club and Daniella is annoyed and says we will meet cute guys there. And when we went to the nightclub, it just got weird, where she expected guys to come to our table but if they did approach they talked to our other friends or me.
And then she accuses us of trying too hard. But what gets us in real trouble is Daniella then goes and orders a second bottle.
When the check came, our cost was 2k, but then there was automatic gratuity and then a venue fee plus some other fees and our total went to 2.9k.
They already took Daniella’s card and she makes it seem like she is going to just pay it.
But then, the next morning she ends up charging me and everyone else a split for the bottle service. She says to me look, that we all enjoyed ourselves more than her.
She then says that my guy friends were all ugly that came out. That I must have told my cute guy friends not to hook up with her. I am like you came off too desperate saying you wanted to hook up with them.
She ends up cursing me out saying that I am a freeloader.
I tell her she has to leave my apartment.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. No “cute” guy wants to deal with desperation. Honestly, I’m not sure any guy wants to deal with desperation. She made the guys you did invite uncomfortable. I’m amazed anyone would even approach your table to talk to anyone.
You had a contract, which requires an offer and an acceptance. She offered to pay for everything if you and your friends would go out with her. You accepted. Contract formed. She owes somebody $2900.00. Don’t go out with her again. It will be a lot less stressful to hang out with other friends in locations you can afford.” Legitimate-Moose-816
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Luckily, the only thing you are out right now is a sucky friend. Bye, Daniella! She wanted bottle service and said she would pay, end of story. You didn’t ruin her night or add to the bill, so don’t give her a dime and make sure your other friends who she charged know you aren’t paying and they don’t need to either.
And why would you let someone stay with you after how she behaved? She called you a freeloader while staying for free in your place – I love irony. As a woman, I know if I stood in a bar with a “free one-night stand” sign, someone would take the offer, and that’s not me complimenting myself at all, that’s me knowing bar culture and that there is likely ONE dude out there willing to take the offer.
So imagine how desperate and sad Daniella must appear to get 2 groups of dudes to run from her, and the vibe she gave off at the club to keep the men at a distance.” mfruitfly
Another User Comments:
“Her birthday, and she gets to go where she wants as long as she’s willing to foot that bill.
You could be nice and send her money for what you would have spent in a venue that you’d like better (including her share, because birthday) – that would be maybe $300. Her using you for hot guy friends that maybe would want to hook up with her is no different than if you were actually using her for her money.
Both would be solidly crappy personality flaws. Given it was her birthday and her choice of venue, you weren’t doing any using. Do I get that she’s disappointed on her birthday? Yeah, absolutely. Is it 100% her fault that she had a disappointing birthday? Yeah, absolutely.
Neither money nor looks are everything. One or the other can get you by for a bit, but in the end, you can still be an awful person. If she hadn’t approached this as, “Invite your hot guy friends out, and I’ll definitely get some action because money” situation, she may have had fun.
Heck, if she had approached this as, “I want to spend my birthday with my friends” night, she would have had fun. Instead, she was predatory and had preconceived notions that since she was paying, she’d have an awesome night with one of your “hot guy” friends.
As if consent doesn’t exist. (Be honest with yourself, if the genders were reversed, how repulsed would you be at this behavior? Not saying you’re not repulsed, but how “nice guy” would this feel to you?)
NTJ and I would think hard about this friendship.” Ladygytha
10. ATJ For Trying To Force My Husband To Be In The Room When I Give Birth?
“My husband (30m) and I (27f) are expecting a baby this May, and it would be our first. We were talking about the birth the other day, and I was explaining how I’m starting to feel a lot more anxious and nervous as the due date approaches.
I then said, “… but I feel much better knowing you’d be there with me.” Admittedly, this hasn’t been discussed prior to this conversation and perhaps it was wrong of me to just assume he’d be there, but I always pictured he’d be by my side.
He looked at me kinda surprised and said, “What? You want me to be there?” And I said, “Well, yeah, of course.” He hesitated a lot and then proceeded to explain to me that, basically, he doesn’t want to be there. He said he thinks he won’t be of any use because he’ll be freaking out with all the screaming and blood and intensity, and he would end up being a disadvantage.
He suggested that instead of him, I take my mother or a friend, but I told him that I didn’t make this baby with my mother or my friend, and I don’t want them; I want him. He said, “Not everybody can stomach childbirth” and that “Seeing you in so much pain and agony would just break me.”
Now I obviously don’t want to force him to be there, but I also don’t think I can move past this. It’s made me feel even more anxious and nervous. I got very upset and told him I can’t believe he would refuse.
We haven’t really spoken much since. Am I overreacting here and being the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but he is. He’s not comfortable seeing you in agony? Imagine what’s it like being that person… You got married for sickness and health!
This is part of the deal, buddy. Being there in their worst and BEST moments – and let’s be clear – welcoming your baby into the world is 1000% one of the rarest and best moments of your life. Yes, there can be trauma and risk.
And it’s scary. That’s why you do it together. In that moment, your needs matter most PERIOD. And you said you need your partner in life there for you.
I highly recommend you both take childbirth prep classes together at the hospital (almost every hospital you choose to give birth at has them) or through your OBGYN.
And may I also suggest searching out a doula? Usually, a doula doesn’t count as your “birthing team” if they are certified. Many hospitals are also starting to encourage them or have some on staff. A doula will help ease and coach you through a lot of the anxiety beforehand, offer a lot of supportive techniques for your husband to practice, so he DOESN’T feel useless.
Especially being in charge of tools like a birthing ball or a Rebozo. And with a doula, you can practice a lot of the techniques you’ll use at home before the birth (many hospitals encourage people to wait through stage 1 at home and also better at-home management techniques), and with your first, it typically takes a loooong time to come.
Honestly, he sounds scared, and that’s okay, but that doesn’t excuse him being selfish. Education and familiarization are the best tools to combat fear-based decisions. I guarantee if he’s not there, he will vastly regret it for the rest of his life.
I’ve yet to meet a dad who didn’t regret being there – and I’ve met plenty who were just as terrified to be there. I’m sure there’s some? I bet there are a lot more dads, however, that regret not being there.” samijo311
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Honestly, this is why I get frustrated with all the horror stories about birth. They don’t help anyone when they aren’t balanced with the stories of easy, normal births. There was no screaming, very little blood, and very little pain for me.
It’s not like a TV show. You and your husband both need to do a lot more research into labor and delivery. Knowing what to expect, physically, emotionally, and mentally makes such a difference in your confidence and abilities when the day comes. Going into this moment with no information is a recipe for disaster.
Listen to some positive pregnancy stories, read a few books on the subject, and arm yourselves. You will both need it. As a compromise, could you ask him to try to stay in the room, but give him permission to walk away for a break if he gets overwhelmed?
Could you each have a second person in the hospital (but not in the room) for support? He might need support just as much as you. If you have a long labor, he might need someone to remind him to eat and drink, just like you will.
No matter how this turns out, I’m sending you easy labor and delivery vibes.” NineElfJeer
Another User Comments:
“Childbirth is a major medical event. Men don’t have any comparable medical experience that has the potential for so much risk. He’s saying he’s going to have a lot of anxiety, but would he expect you to be by his side if he was in a similar medical situation?
The way I’d frame it to him is that if he suffered a heart attack, would he expect you by his side in the hospital? If the answer is “yes”, then how is that fair to you? Maybe a heart attack is too much for you to watch him go through, would he still expect you as his wife to put your feelings aside for the sake of being his support?
Only reason why he’s potentially getting a pass on it culturally is that men have historically not been expected to be caregivers. Women on the other hand are often expected to put their own feelings aside for the benefit of others. If you want an equitable marriage where you both care for each other in your respective times of need, then he needs to find a way to be there to support you.
NTJ.” Coffeeforcobwebs
9. AITJ For Not Helping My Partner After She Didn't Help Me Buy A New Truck?
“I (26M) have a “beater” truck for the occasions my regular vehicle isn’t enough, but it’s older than me with upwards of 350k miles on it. Roughly a year ago, I asked my girl (27F) of 3 years to help me out with a better truck as she also gets use from it (I take us to the cabin with it to accommodate our 3 large dogs + stuff, and I help her friends move, haul stuff for her on occasion, etc.).
I didn’t ask for much financial help and made it clear I’d still be doing upkeep on said truck out of my pocket. She declined, which I completely understand and am not mad about.
Here’s where the issue lies – my truck recently finally gave out (engine damage), and it’s not worth fixing, so I had to back out of helping her friend and I explained that, unfortunately, we will have to drive separate to my cabin this summer because neither of our regular cars can accommodate 3 large dogs, 2 people and food/crates/clothing, etc., and I can’t afford a truck for a while yet.
I don’t think I’m being a jerk, but she has been accusing me of “punishing” her for not helping, saying I can just get a loan, and her friends agree. AITJ?
Edit to add since people are asking: no, I’m not avoiding buying a truck to punish her.
I need a truck myself, and I will be buying one ASAP. I simply don’t have the finances for a quality truck saved up right now, and I don’t believe a loan for a beater truck would be a wise financial decision.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is more or less an example of life dealing a hand and then everyone involved experiencing the transition from lamentation to the acceptance stage of the current reality, assuming you two are being contributing and honest partners of course. I can’t really blame either of you in that context, though hopefully, she reaches that point of acceptance as you seem to have.
Even beaters are expensive now with the way that the used truck market has inflated as of late. Taking a loan with current interest rates is not advisable assuming vehicle demand will eventually be met and the current inconvenience is not insurmountable.” bass-ed
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You didn’t destroy your truck on purpose. You don’t hold back on buying a “new” one to punish her; you just don’t have the savings. And yes, taking out a loan to get another beater that more likely than not will end up a sink isn’t a wise financial decision.
Oh, and her friends can just shut up; that is none of their business. If they need someone to help them move, they can hire a moving company. If they can’t afford that, they can just take out a loan. (I wouldn’t advise you to tell them that, though.)” RedHurz
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. However, since she doesn’t feel she should help with a truck, which you maybe should not have bothered asking, I suggest you work out a fee schedule for mileage for different types of tasks, ie., charge more per mile for moving heavy items, plus an hourly rate, and take the dogs, etc., in the truck to the cabin, but insist she takes her car as well.
Petty? Darn straight. But to expect you to be a short-haul mover and not admit it is to her benefit, too, for you to have a running truck, is pretty short-sighted of her. Just don’t make your next truck available to anyone, other than yourself.” Mindless-Pepper-5556
8. AITJ For Refusing To Lie About My Job To My Partner's Family?
He should be more supportive of his partner’s job.
“I’m a Party Princess which means I dress up as fictional princesses and women and have a catalogue people can pick from when they book me on what character they want. It is a job I love, and I make a really good salary, and over the past few years, I began to do Zoom calls also which were more one-on-one and lasted 40 minutes.
I’ve been doing this for two years and it’s a job I intend to continue as long as I can as it’s very fulfilling to me. My man of 7 months is rather embarrassed by this job, however, and doesn’t want me to be open to his family and friends about the job as he feels it will make me look childish or like I lack prospects which is quite irritating as I make more money than him with this job but I’d never throw that up in an argument with him.
Instead, I asked him why it mattered if they thought it was childish and he asked me to just do this for him to say I work somewhere more normal. I don’t like lying, and it is upsetting to me that he wants me to do this, but he told me it’s not like I can do this job forever, which I do know, but while I do it, I don’t see why I should be ashamed.
Should I keep the peace and tell a little fib?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There’s nothing embarrassing about being a party entertainer. Also, what is he expecting? He wants you to make up a job and details about it and then for the rest of your relationship try to remember the lies you’ve told about this job to keep up the charade?
That’s nuts and a lot of mental work. On top of being dishonest and a recipe for disaster. What if they find out somehow from someone else? Like someone they know books you and they see photos or something? Then you’d look like a maniac who invented a fake job.” NoSoyUnaRata
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – don’t lie about your job. It’s amazingly disrespectful for him to even ask you, and it’s a red flag in my eyes. He’s embarrassed about what you do for a living, which is to bring joy and happiness to tons of people, especially children.
Would he feel this way if you were Snow White at Disney World? I doubt it. Plus, lying about something as basic as your job will come back to bite everyone as soon as they start asking you even the most basic questions. If you plan to stay with this guy (BIG if…), can you imagine how bad it will be for you and for him in a year when the truth comes out?” DisneyBuckeye
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! Also, dump him. Him saying he’s embarrassed by your job (which sounds like an awesome job btw), is him saying he’s embarrassed by you. Do you really want to be with someone like that? You deserve someone who supports you and is proud of you.
He’s a jerk. Ps. Party princesses aren’t a thing in my country but little me would’ve been ecstatic for you to have shown up to one of my birthdays dressed as Ariel.” Little_Meringue766
7. AITJ For Hiding During A Family Function?
“I (27F) am the weird quiet one in my family.
Holidays growing up were mostly my brother and cousins running around and breaking things while I got in trouble for trying to sneak off to read a book (“So rude! Pay attention to your family!”). Now my brother (31M) has six kids (13M, 11F, 8F, 8F, 5F, 3M) and things are exactly the same just with even more kids and chaos than before.
I moved back to my hometown for a job a few months ago. My brother and his wife insisted that I had to do Christmas at their house since I hadn’t done the big family thing in four years. I thought I would just drop by, eat some food I didn’t have to cook and leave.
When I got to their house it wasn’t just them there but also two of our cousins and all of their kids plus some friends of theirs I didn’t know. Half the adults were already drinking, the kids were all hyped up because Christmas, the TV was turned all the way up.
And of course, kids are kids; they want attention and hugs, and they want to show you what Santa brought them. It’s normal! But I’m not normal, and the twins are going through a screeching phase, and the youngest likes to climb people like they’re trees, so it was a lot.
I tried a few times to take a break in the garage or upstairs guest room, but I couldn’t get more than five minutes alone before I either had kids following me or SIL coming in going, “Here’s auntie! We found her!” The only place where no one followed me was the laundry room where they had piled all the boxes and wrapping paper from the morning, so for probably half an hour I just sat on the floor like a happy little trash goblin.
When I got back to the group people were LIVID at me. My SIL and cousins all say that as the only single adult there it was my responsibility to watch the kids so the parents could get the day off (No one actually asked me to do this, just assumed I would).
My brother is offended that I would hide from his children (I was hiding from everyone). Even the oldest two kids were mad because they got roped into watching the younger ones when no one could find me (I do feel bad about this).
AITJ for hiding from my very noisy family?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Point out that introverts are incredibly drained by social activity and this was off the charts. Furthermore, introverts recharge with quiet, alone time. (Extroverts are the opposite, getting their energy from being social.) And it sounds as though you’re pretty high on the introvert scale.
That makes experiencing this event a nightmare scenario for you. There are tons of research on this if they don’t take your word for it.” Wodan11
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it’s not your responsibility to babysit. It’s their responsibility as parents to watch their own kids.
It’s extremely unfair to expect you to be the designated but never asked babysitter just because you’re single. Especially when you’re the guest. If this is why they invited you, they learned a hard lesson that it was not appropriate or tolerated by you.
Next time they invite you, be wary of the intentions. Also, make it very clear you will not be on babysitting duty for them. Or bring a partner. Either way, you need to set your boundaries with them.” Gorgeous-Angelface
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! I would have been hiding under the boxes right there with you.
My sister had 3 children fairly close together and just calling her on the phone and hearing the chaos in her house exhausted me. I am so offended on your behalf. Your family knows that you’re quiet, so why in the world would they think you’d want to come over and have a house full of hyped-up, sticky, and screeching children dumped on you?
That sounds like the 8th circle of heck. Do yourself a favor – learn to say “NO!” Book yourself and a stack of books into a nice, quiet, child-free resort next year over the holidays. Put everyone on an information diet so they don’t know what you’re doing and when they invite you over so you can ~~have a pleasant visit~~ babysit, just say no. It is okay to not want to be around children and to do what you want on the holidays.” TitianBelle
6. WIBTJ For Turning In My Friend For Plagiarizing?
“My friend (23F) and I (24F) are roommates and also classmates. Over the past year, I have watched her become increasingly lazy and irresponsible to the point I don’t want to live with her anymore. When we first moved in together, she was pretty laid back like me.
Lately, she’s constantly having guests over and letting them stay over late into the night when she knows I am in bed by 9 or 10 and am up at 6 am for work. She’s getting intoxicated and generally not pulling her weight around the house despite me repeatedly asking her to actually clean up.
My peace & quiet are nonexistent at this point.
That’s already bad enough, but the last straw has been her slacking at school and expecting me to help her. She’s barely paying attention and going to class hungover, so of course she’s not learning all that much.
Now she wants me to share my homework answers with her and plagiarize MY work, and I’m so aghast that she would even ask. How entitled do you have to be to ask someone to give away what they actually put in the effort for?
She’s self-destructing fast enough and now plans to pay someone for answers. I’m just about fed up with this nonsense and have half a mind to clue our teacher in. I just don’t have patience for irresponsible nonsense, and she doesn’t deserve to skate by while the rest of us actually do what we’re supposed to.
There’s just no excuse and it’s not okay. If I’m being honest, I am hoping she would get booted from the school and then would have no reason to live with me anymore, but that’s neither here nor there. She doesn’t deserve to be in class if she’s not committed to it.
WIBTJ? Should I just let her suffer the consequences whenever they do finally catch up to her?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. For me personally, plagiarizing is completely off the table. If you’re my friend, then respect me and my capabilities from afar at best. I don’t pick people who tend to copy off of others for their own success because, at the end of the day, it boils down to how little respect they truly have for someone else’s hard work.
It’s showing that your friend is going through a downward spiral right now, so if possible, could you sit her down and talk to her about it in the most nonconfrontational way possible? I tend to be the sort of person who doesn’t like having others around when I break down, but I do somehow lend help when they do.
If possible, please speak with your friend calmly and have a girl’s night. If she still happens to have a problem or doesn’t exactly give you a proper reason such as depression, burden, burnout syndrome, etc., then do remind her that you’re supposed to be sharing responsibility and that you might be there now, but there’s no telling if you both will walk down different paths in the future.
You feel disrespected when she wants credit for work you’ve been doing on your own. Independence comes with responsibility, a lot of people go through difficult times alone, this is an opportunity for the two of you to grow together and for her to evolve as a person and understand her boundaries better.
I will not call you a jerk because honestly, no matter how close I am with someone the moment they talk about copying off of me, I cut them out and lose respect for them immediately. Despite whatever she’s going through, that’s no reason to drag both of you into trouble with professors (considering how strict they tend to be about plagiarism).
Remind her that you are there to help but only if she wants to help herself; otherwise, please distance yourself from her so as to not create further resentment and harsh feelings between the both of you.” deleted
Another User Comments:
“INFO: Have you had a conversation with her?
About how things have changed and it’s affecting your life at the home y’all share? And expressed your unwillingness to contribute to her copying off of you? I’d do that first if you haven’t. Just explain that you know you’re in college and everyone is dealing with their freedom differently but that you have to draw the line when you feel you can’t relax in your own home.
I’d also explain that you aren’t comfortable with plagiarism because ultimately it won’t be beneficial to her and because you run the risk of getting in trouble as well. Also, when is the lease up? Either way, the solution isn’t turning her in. I think you need to consider your motives and also know that it will catch up with her, one way or another.
I’d let that play out and keep a clear conscience. Also, if you’ve willingly (even if begrudgingly) participated in any way, you could end up in a lot of trouble too.” graceface103
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. DO NOT HELP HER. I repeat, DO NOT HELP HER.
If she’s lazying through everything in life, then she will inevitably laze through even the plagiarism part. She will get caught AND so will you for helping her. You will get expelled as well. If she’s copying someone else, screw it – don’t say anything.
People who do that in life will reap their consequences; it’s not a matter of if, it’s generally a matter of when. Even if she does somehow con her way through school, she’s not going to be able to land any high-paying job.
I wouldn’t recommend snitching unless you’re sure she can’t trace it back to you. She’s a nightmare roommate now, but she can even be worse if she finds out you ratted her out. Just because she gets expelled doesn’t necessarily mean she will leave the apartment either (unless owned by the school).” deleted
5. AITJ For Refusing To Cut My Daughter's Hair For A Wedding?
“My SIL is getting married at the end of the month, my in-laws are paying for the wedding, and as a result, my MIL thinks she has the right to dictate everything. She tried to pull this when my husband, Seb, and I got married, but we refused her money as we wanted to do what we wanted.
All three of my daughters are part of the wedding, MIL didn’t want my eldest two to be a part of the wedding as they aren’t Seb’s children but SIL wanted them to be a part of the wedding. The girls are 12, 9 and 6.
All three girls have very long hair. 12F’s hair reaches her knees as she rarely gets haircuts while 9F and 6F have waist-length hair. MIL hates the fact they have long hair, she hates long hair and wants to get their hair cut. As she is paying for everything including bridesmaid hair, she wants the girls to have their hair cut to shoulder length – which she still thinks is too long but thinks it is a compromise.
Both Seb and I have refused to consent to let her cut their hair as it’s not something they want, they like having long hair.
MIL is threatening to kick them out of the wedding party if we don’t consent to the girls having their hair cut.
SIL is telling other family members that we are trying to ruin her wedding by refusing. Seb has told MIL and SIL to drop the subject as we won’t be consenting to them getting their hair cut and if they continue we will attend as guests.
This morning 12F told us that MIL had sent her a message about her hair for the wedding. In the message MIL was trying to convince her to agree to get her hair cut, otherwise, she wouldn’t be in the wedding party anymore. It was a very aggressively written message, blaming me for this issue and calling me controlling.
MIL told her that if she wanted to be a part of the wedding then she needed to learn to do as she is told. Seb has now told SIL and MIL that because of this message, we will no longer be attending the wedding.
SIL has taken to social media and is complaining that we are trying to ruin her wedding over a little hair trim. We are going LC with SIL and MIL to protect the children as I really do feel this was a step too far for me.
AITJ for refusing to cut their hair?”
Another User Comments:
“Low contact is not enough. NTJ, and here is the message I would send to both women AND post on social media, “My daughters love their long hair. The demand for them to cut it from waist/knee length to shoulder length is not a trim.
It is feet of hair. When told we were not comfortable with this, you both decided to throw tantrums and bully our children. As such, you no longer need to be in contact with our children. We will not be attending the wedding, and we will not subject our children to your maltreatment any longer.
Any other family members who attempt to bully us or our children on this matter will be swiftly met with the same fate. Someone’s wedding does not trump my daughter’s right to bodily autonomy. Do not attempt to contact us any further. You have hurt our family enough with your selfishness and cruelty.”” Last_Caterpillar8770
Another User Comments:
“NTJ apart from the obvious I saw no one else mention that MIL didn’t want the older two kids at the wedding in the first place because they aren’t blood relatives. So her attempt at controlling their bodies seems even more insidious.
MIL is gonna die on this hill because she resents you and your daughters for evading her iron grip multiple times (not letting her organize your wedding, having your kids at SIL’s wedding, not cutting their hair).” moxypicture
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. First and foremost, I don’t care if you’re getting married, if you’re pregnant, if you’re a mom, or whatever causes someone to be a zilla in the moment.
Nothing, not a thing, gives you the right to determine the physical autonomy of another human being. Secondly, “a little hair trim” is not a full foot+ of hair cut off to make it “shoulder length.” Thirdly, you’re not ruining crap, your involvement isn’t necessary, and the wedding can occur without you.
If their marital bliss is so contingent on looks maybe they shouldn’t even bother getting married.” deleted
4. AITJ For Exploding At Someone In A Support Group?
“My son is legally blind but can read 20 pt font, although 24 and over is easier for him. Most ebook-reading apps let you set font size, so large print is a lot more affordable than audiobooks or braille books, the difference between a couple of bucks and $50 or more.
Because all of his schoolbooks and the books he reads for fun are ebooks, he hasn’t had much reason to learn Braille. We do encourage him to practice in case he needs it while out and about, but he’s very resistant because he hates reading Braille.
But he’s also at that age where he hates everything anyway.
I go to support groups and am on a lot of message boards to keep up with news that is relevant to me and my kid. On Friday one of my groups had an education advocate come and talk to us.
This is a topic that’s very important to me because I keep track of scholarships my son is eligible for and was hoping she might know some obscure ones I haven’t found yet. When it was my turn to ask a question, I asked about scholarships, and she asked for more information about my son.
When I was telling her about my son, she asked how good his Braille skills are, and I said they are poor because it doesn’t interest him, and it’s a struggle to get him to practice. She started lecturing me in front of everyone. She told me I’m not doing a good job of advocating for my son, and he’s going to need braille and his lessons should all be in braille.
I told her his schoolbooks aren’t in braille because he can read large fonts, and she lectured me more and told me he shouldn’t be forced to use materials for sighted people. I said he wasn’t forced; that’s what he prefers. I also asked if we could return to my original question, which was about scholarships because that’s what’s most important to my family.
She said what was most important was my son having independence, and that I was preventing him from doing that. I felt very insulted. I told her to screw off and not lecture me before walking a mile in my shoes. It’s easy to tell parents they suck, but I’m doing my best. She was offended, and the group asked me to leave that meeting.
The general consensus is that I was oversensitive and a jerk, but I think she overstepped. I was asking her for help, not to be told I’m a crap mom.”
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Well, the woman was obviously wrong in the way she went about approaching the questions, but her questions about braille were very relevant and important for advocacy.
Statistically, Braille makes a huge difference in future employment – only about 10% of blind people read Braille, but 90% of the employed blind people in the US read Braille. 70% of blind people are unemployed. With darning stats like that, it becomes clear why scholarships would want to invest in students who read braille, and why an advocate would want to know about his braille abilities for employment.
Given that there are other mitigating factors, like how comorbid blindness is with other disorders that make employment less likely, but from what OP told us, her son doesn’t have other conditions that would prevent work.” waterfountain_bidet
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but not a good response.
I see a lot of people pointing out that there may be good reasons for why she stressed the importance of reading Braille. However, it is her job as an advocate to communicate those reasons to you. Just saying you’re not raising him to be independent is not doing her job correctly.
Instead, she should have given you real information on the need for braille. Maybe something like “You’ll want to improve his braille skills, as some scholarships focus on this.” I also think it’s pretty sketchy that she said he was being “forced to use materials for sighted people.” Large print books are not for sighted people.
They are specifically for visually impaired people. And even if they weren’t…so what? If he likes it and it works well for him, that’s what matters.
I’m going with NTJ instead of ESH because she didn’t do her job properly. If she’s not doing her job properly, I don’t feel it’s totally on you to give a proper response.
However, as a parent, I think instead of immediately jumping to “screw you,” the better thing to do would be to ask “why?” Why does she think learning braille is required for independence? Maybe there are legitimate reasons you’re unaware of. By snapping at her, you’re not getting those reasons.
Again, she should have given them to you upfront, but sometimes we have to suck things up for our kids, and I think trying to hear her out could have potentially been helpful.” Charming-Barnacle-15
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The advocate’s response was inconsiderate. They simply could have stated that there are scholarships/grants available to only those who read Braille, but for partially sighted, non-Braille readers these are your options.
(List them) Then ask if you have any of these already lined up or which ones you might like more info on. They should not have admonished you for not making him learn it. It’s his choice, he’s an adult and he has options. I work in a glaucoma clinic and 95% of my patients can’t read braille.
Learning braille is a good skill to have if you know that at some point you will be completely blind. You can’t rely on technology to run flawlessly 24-7 and Braille is a good backup. Kind of like learning to read cursive. Nobody uses it anymore either, but sometimes you run across it and need to know what it says.
Analog clock, stick shift, riding a bicycle, and other things from our past still come up sometimes, skills are always good.” jenmrsx
3. AITJ For Leaving My Ex Out Of An Important Milestone In Our Daughter's Life?
“My ex-wife works out of town. She works for two weeks and then gets a week off.
I used to do that schedule as well but I now work from home as a maintenance planner.
When we divorced I got primary custody of our daughter and son since I was the one available to do the parenting.
I have very little interest in discussing anything with my ex.
Yes, there is a lot of bitterness and recrimination in our relationship. I loved my ex with all my heart. And while I always thought she was beautiful it wasn’t as easy for other people to see. However, when you are one of a dozen women in a 2,000-man work camp you get a lot of attention.
That’s all I’m going to say about that.
My daughter is ten years old and she just got her first period. I grew up with sisters and I am not a complete idiot so I had read up on what to do. I had also talked to my mom and sisters about it.
I had been prepared since she was 8. I gave her the boxes of pads and tampons. I explained to her that it was normal and healthy. I watched a video with her that was a tutorial on what to do. I also asked her if she would like to talk to either my sister or the woman I’m seeing about how to do everything right.
She said that she understood and would like to talk to my sister on the weekend. After dinner on Saturday, my sister talked to me about it. She said that I had gotten the basics correct and there were only a couple of things she needed to explain or correct.
My ex called to talk to the kids yesterday and afterward yelled at me on the phone. She called me a jerk for excluding her from a milestone in her daughter’s life. I asked her if it had happened during her week with the kids would she have told me about it?
She said that wasn’t the point. It was a mother-daughter thing and I took it away from her. I said it was a parent kid medical issue and that made it a me thing.
I am a man so maybe I just don’t get it.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH (you & ex) I’m glad you educated yourself in preparation for this event. Sounds like you did a good job with it.
As a co-parent, you have an obligation to inform the other parent about things like this. Don’t leave it to your daughter to have to tell her mom.
It’s not her responsibility to be the go-between just because you don’t like talking to your ex. Ex needs to be able to make sure she has age-appropriate products available at her place. Your statement that it was a parent-kid medical issue and therefore a you thing is leaving out that ex is ALSO a parent.
She has the right to be included in medical things.
One would hope that if it had happened at your ex’s place that yes, she would have told you so that you could have age-appropriate products available at your place and also so that your daughter doesn’t have to be the go-between.
So Ex is a jerk for not saying that (“it’s beside the point”? No. It IS the point). Like her or not, you and your ex are co-parents. CO. That means that it is on YOU to share information the other parent should have. Anything involving a medical issue (and yes, starting menstruation is a medical issue) is REQUIRED to be shared with the other parent.
So suck it up and CO-PARENT.” Logical_Block1507
Another User Comments:
“Slight YTJ – Some of your comments keep pressing upon the issue that the mom was so many miles away. Yes, your daughter could have contacted her mother, but the way you speak about the mother makes me think the daughter did not want to contact her because of how YOU react to the mom.
I mean I get it, horrible ending to the marriage, etc. but that is still her mother. Do you speak ill of the mom in front of your children? Could be why she did not want to reach out. You did what you could, you did well as a dad, but I think you still should have let your ex know.” Cynnau
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were parenting your daughter. While it is true that it is usually the mother who deals with their daughters’ period education, it shouldn’t have to be. And since you are the custodial parent and she got her period while with you, you did what you needed to, and you made sure your daughter also had a woman to talk to for any questions.
In an ideal world, you would have notified your ex about it, but in an ideal world she wouldn’t be an ex and you wouldn’t be parenting separately. Her actions stem from her jealousy of missing a milestone, but that is a her problem and not a you problem, and your daughter cannot schedule all of her female development to only happen when she is with her mother.” Briarrose1021
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It’s not clear from the post if the mother was available by phone, but if she was, surely you could have provided your daughter with the boxes of stuff, encouraged her that it was normal, and then let her speak with her mom to get the rest of the stuff.
If not, there’s no reason whatsoever other than your bitterness towards your ex (whether deserved or not) to not give her a heads-up on what is going on.” MikeDatTiger
Another User Comments:
“ESH. I’m a family law attorney. This is not legal advice. This is my experience of working with couples like this.
I would tear you apart on the stand for this. It’s very clear that you’re alienating your daughter. Saying “she can call whenever she wants” doesn’t suffice for clearing the alienation boat. As others have said, children are FAR more perceptive of your feelings about your ex and vice versa than parents think.
You also asked her a leading question: aunt or partner. Mom wasn’t a choice. Kids pick up on that too. That said. Your ex should never scream at you. You are both unhealthy co-parents and need to find a way to deal with it.
You need therapy to get over your marriage the appropriate way. Only your children will lose here.” DerpyEsq
2. AITJ For Giving My Sons' Partners Coal For Christmas As A Joke?
It would be one thing if it was done to her sons, but to her sons’ partners? Hm… Thoughts?
“I 43f have a 21-year-old son. My son has a partner he’s been seeing for about 5 months now, Amanda 20.
Amanda came for Christmas this year.
My other son 17 has a partner, Mel, who joined us for Christmas as well. This was her second Christmas with us.
For Christmas, I wrapped one box full of coal for Amanda. Wrapped it up as a gift. I did the same for Mel’s first Christmas with us.
Kind of a prank, I’d say. Mel handled it like a champ, thought it was really funny.
The coal wasn’t the only gift I had gotten Amanda. I had also bought her candles, perfumes, and an outfit for her dog. (She dresses her dog up all the time.) Well, when Amanda opened this gift of coal, her eyes got all watery, and she looked at me and said, “I bought you a really nice gift.” And walked out.
I followed her out, telling her I got her other gifts, and it was just a joke, but she got in her car and left. My son took the gifts I bought her, so he could bring them to her house, but Amanda is really upset about this I guess.
I do feel slightly guilty because she had bought me a necklace and some pots and pans kitchen sets. But I don’t think I’m the jerk; it was just supposed to be a funny joke, and I had bought her other gifts.”
Another User Comments:
“Obviously YTJ. Pranks suck, you don’t know this girl well enough to know if she’d laugh or not. And she doesn’t know you – how could she possibly know that this was just a stupid ‘joke,’ which really feels like a MIL test for how much nonsense the girls are willing to tolerate without complaint.
You need to apologize to her, to your son, and FFS, stop doing stupid pranks.” Cheeseballfondue
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The rest of you… who (over ~10) takes getting coal seriously? You don’t give people you dislike coal. You get them nothing, or something cheap so you at least “made an attempt”.
If it were the only thing? Yeah, sure. But it wasn’t. Do I personally find it funny? No. But not because it’s malicious. It’s too “Hallmark channel” cutesy for my tastes. Hence why I find it so baffling that the lot of you wanna light torches and fetch pitchforks.” Uweyv
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Everyone who votes you the jerk has no sense of humor and takes life WAY too seriously. As does Amanda. No one got hurt and it’s actually a pretty common joke, I don’t know why people act like it’s a huge insult.
Still…call her, text her…whatever…apologize and make sure she knows it’s not a personal slight, it was literally a JOKE that everyone I’ve seen it played on laughs at. In the future, remember she had no apparent sense of humor, and don’t try to laugh with her again.” Legion1117
Another User Comments:
“So this poor woman is nervous as heck, doing Xmas with the potential in-laws, goes out of her way to get you a good gift. She probably worried about it for days. Then the person she’s most worried about connecting with gives her the equivalent of a Xmas turd as a gift. Yes, YTJ, and you came off as a monster-in-law.
I think you need to assess what a gift is, and I think you owe her a heartfelt apology over a dinner you can barely afford. What you did would make me consider ending the relationship with your son, because when you marry someone you get their family too.” deleted
1. AITJ For Blowing Up At My Roommate's Partner?
“Daniel and I have been best friends ever since we moved into an apartment in our freshman year.
But I’ve noticed he’s afraid to speak up to his girl.
My roommate Daniel’s partner, Sara, recently moved in with us. Although I agreed to it as long as she contributed to the apartment, she hasn’t done anything to help out. She doesn’t offer to cook, clean, or do the laundry.
On a day when Sara had no work, I asked her to do the laundry and wash the dishes before I went to pick up dinner. When I asked her why, she said I hadn’t told her to do it. Daniel was present and said the issue was between Sara and me, but I let it go.
I bust my butt at work, all I want are two things to be done, that’s all.
She is completely lazy and doesn’t do any work for the apartment. It’s always me and Daniel. I approached Daniel to tell him, and he said to me, “It’s not a big deal, let it go.” I told him that she’s living here for free, she doesn’t pay for any expenses, and the least she can do is do some laundry once in a while and help around the house.
This moment really ticked me off: the day I was going to work, I woke up at 6 am fully energized. By 9 pm, I made myself dinner for that night and left it in the fridge. Out of nowhere, I heard Sara say, “I’m going to the grocery store, do you need anything?” Internally, I was happy, thinking that she had finally changed as a person and realized what she was doing was wrong.
I said, “Yeah, I really need shampoo for tonight. We have none left.” She said, “Yeah, can I please have some money?” I gave her $20 and went about my day, and she said she would give me the change later that night. I was happy for the entire day.
But then when I got home, I saw her watching TV all alone; Daniel had to work late. I quickly headed to the shower. I realized there was no shampoo. I called for Sara and asked her, “Where’s the shampoo?” I noticed her nails were not painted when I left, but when I came back, they were red. I checked the receipt that I found in the trash and saw that she had bought nail polish and some other stuff.
I asked her why, and she simply said, “I forgot. I’m sorry.” You know what, I let it go.
After showering with watered-down shampoo, I opened the fridge to see that my meal was half-eaten. Sara said she ate half my food because “it was a lot.” After that, I lost my crap completely.
I told her, “You’re living here for free, you eat for free, you don’t do anything for this apartment, you don’t clean, you don’t cook, you don’t do laundry, you leave dirty clothes on the floor everywhere, and you don’t buy groceries. What can you do?
This has been happening for 2 months straight. I’m sorry, but I just can’t take it anymore. I bust my butt waking up at 6 am to make dinner, just to realize it’s half-eaten. What’s the point?”
Afterward, Sara and I exchanged some pretty nasty words. It didn’t end well and I don’t know what to do anymore.”
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ. First, she should not have come to stay there for free, that was the first issue, but is kinda between her & her partner how they split the rent. Second, if you & Dan are sharing chores, they need to be rescheduled, if not, Dan picks up also her chores.
Third & not least, eating someone’s food, no matter how you’re related to them is always a huge jerk move. I would definitely talk with Daniel to rearrange house rules, if they refuse, it’s either you or them out, depends on which name is on the lease.” deleted
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, please get some legal advice on whether you can kick her out or get yourself out of there ASAP. You should have not agreed to her moving in unless your rent was lowered and divided between the three of you. Regardless of whether she pays or Daniel pays.
Although, I do find it weird that you expect her to do laundry, as I personally think that roommates should do that stuff separately, you’re not a couple. But whatever works. You need to speak with Daniel and tell him this, so a big issue and he needs to do something about, or you will and it won’t be the best way.” Resolve-Creepy
Another User Comments:
“INFO. Sara sure sounds like a selfish pain in the neck, but I don’t think there’s enough information. I’m confused about who’s paying and doing what and what was actually agreed on. Are you paying 1/3 renting and utilities? Or are you paying 1/2?
Do you three share groceries or buy your own? Is there a chore chart/schedule? How did you handle chores with Daniel before Sara moved in? Why on earth are you asking her to do laundry? I would get it if you were asking her to wash her own dirty dishes or something, but you should do your own laundry and your friend and partner should do their own laundry.
Final question, is the issue that chores aren’t getting done and the apartment is messy? Or is Daniel doing all their chores for Sara? If it’s the latter, then you need to keep your mouth shut. Privately, you can think that Sara is taking advantage of your friend, but this is his relationship and you need to stay out of it.” Tattersaile
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