People Ask Us For Our Take On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Story

Do you ever find it easier to be a jerk in certain situations? You might try your best to bite your tongue and just walk away, but it's easier said than done. Everyone wants to get the final word, we all like to feel like we "won," and many times, we feel the need to express our anger through negative words or actions. From revealing information to your sister's new fiance causing them to fight to, telling your ex-friend that you won't go to their husband's funeral since they ghosted you years ago, scenarios like these are drama-filled. Someone is bound to be deemed the jerk. But who is it, if there is one? You decide for each story below in the comment section! AITJ = Am I the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk YTJ = You're the jerk WIBTJ = Would I be the jerk? EHS = Everyone here sucks

15. AITJ For Going No Contact With My Sister?

“My sister, I’ll call her T here, has always been more successful than me, especially academically. I have certain learning difficulties, but I am in no way dumb, I just need more instructions for me to be able to complete certain tasks. T always seemed to believe that she is better than me because of this, to the extent that she would say it to my face and honestly, I couldn’t really argue with her because our parents took her side.

A few years ago, T failed to get into Oxford, her dream university but still ended up at a very good university. At the time I was working my butt off with school work because I also wanted to get into a very good university and make my family, including her, proud of me. I managed to graduate high school at the top of my class.

I applied to multiple universities, one of them being Cambridge. I didn’t think I would be able to get in, even with my good grades in high school and extra activities, but it was my dream university. To my surprise, I managed to get into 4 of the 5 universities I applied to, Cambridge being one of the 4.

I was very happy about it, but T was not.

She came into my room and started crying and shouting at me because I got into a university that was more prestigious than hers. She told me that if I was a good sibling, I wouldn’t mind going to a less-known university, and started saying stuff like “how could you do something like this to me?!” “I am the smart child!” “You hate me don’t you?” “I bet you’ll fail and drop out with that pathetic IQ of yours.”

I barely spoke to her after that, and when I moved out, I blocked her on every social media I had. My parents are very mad at me, saying that I should at least talk to her and let her apologize, and tell me that she acted that way because she was just very angry at that moment and didn’t mean it.

They say I’m being very immature, but that was the last straw for me and I don’t want to talk with her even though it’s almost been a year since we had the fight.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your sister acted immaturely. She has always seen herself as better than you and your hard work has proven to her that maybe her “talent” isn’t all it’s cooked up to be.

That can be quite the upheaval in world view and what she blurted out was most likely just a moment of open envy.

But you need to realize that if what your parents say is true, that she really wants to apologize, then maybe completely locking your own sister out of any relationship is probably a bad idea.

Your life is just beginning and she’s your sister, whether you like it or not. Just never talking to her again would make you look childish in my opinion.

I personally think you should make up sooner than later. However, that meeting needs to start with her apologizing like a proper adult, and then you can make up like proper adults.

If she can’t do that, you should still forgive her, but I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t.” BlackCruxeion

Another User Comments:

“YTJ… I’d say you are not in the wrong for responding the way you did but you should forgive your sister. It only brings negativity to yourself to not. Allow her to apologize.

If you don’t feel like having her as a part of your life that’s ok too but I would recommend forgiving.” xiaobaituzi

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, but everyone else is. Your parents were jerks from the moment they “took her side” in claiming she’s smarter than you. I am LIVID on your behalf for that part alone.

My job is specifically to help young students like you, who can do fine in the classroom but need a little extra support in the form of things like repeated/additional instructions. Some of my students aren’t the smartest kids, but some of them are BRILLIANT, and some happen to excel in areas that just don’t show up on a test, and… UGH, it REALLY grinds my gears when ANYONE makes ANY child feel like they are “less than” in ANY way.

Not to mention, there’s plenty of scientific data that shows that kids do better when the people around them BELIEVE they can do better and TREAT THEM like they can do better. Who knows what achievements they robbed you of simply by reinforcing the idea that you weren’t smart!

Your sister is a jerk for, uh… pretty much all the same reasons as your parents.

It was one thing when you were both little and she arguably didn’t know better, because your parents weren’t doing anything about it. But she’s an adult now, and she should be able to know that she had no right AT ALL to blow up at you like that, let alone to have continued bullying you about her being “smarter” in the first place.

OP, congrats on getting into Cambridge! Go, do your best, and surround yourself with people who support you and believe in you.

It sounds to me like “people who support you and believe in you” does NOT include your sister, and probably not your parents, either. You have no obligation to speak to anyone who does you more harm than good.” TogetherAgain18

10 points (10 votes)

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AKmom359 1 year ago
I suggest living your best life. Enjoy Cambridge, explore all those new experiences, and live your best life. If Sis is truly sorry ( and she’s not), then she can have an invitation to your graduation. If not, let her wallow in her jealousy and petty spiteful nature.
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14. AITJ For Telling My In-Laws They Should Have Been Supportive Of My First Kid If They Wanted More Grandkids?

Or better yet, leave it up to the parents if they want more children or not.

“My husband and I have a 4-year-old daughter together.

She is our one and only and I was done after her. I got sterilized earlier to prevent falling pregnant again.

My ILs are unhappy about this because my husband is their only child. They have said I was too rash in making the decision because I’m young (30) and that I should think about my daughter and them and how a bigger family is always better when you have the choice.

They told me it was unfair. That I was wrong. They deserve more grandkids. That’s when I told them what I did.

For context: Our daughter was a much-wanted and very planned baby, but the first 18 months of her life were the worst of mine. She was diagnosed as being a high-needs baby and that is underplaying it.

She never stopped crying and there was no clear cause. We were in an out of the ER and pedi with her, we never got a break because nobody could stand to babysit her for us with the crying. My in-laws were around and they would leave because it bothered them so much to hear her like that.

A few times, they would tell me to stress less. But I couldn’t leave the house with her without getting looks or comments from strangers, we were spending so much taking her to the hospital/the doctor to try and figure something out. We paid for tests. We paid for all kinds of different formulas and other things suggested. It was exhausting.

It got so bad that my husband lost his job because he was showing up to work exhausted and unable to function. I was unable to function. I would hear her cries in my sleep. And I ended up needing therapy, because for another year, I would fall asleep and wake up in tears because it still haunted me.

We’re not sure how or why it stopped, but thank freaking God it did because I was hanging on by a thread. After our daughter though, I could not stand the thought of experiencing that again. Nobody could tell us what it was, why it happened, just that there are documented cases of some babies like that.

It’s not a comfort to me/us.

My in-laws do not go after my husband like this, I guess because he’s not the one who sterilized himself. But I said what I did because it’s true. They were no help to us and they don’t owe us that, but with them demanding more grandkids from me, they should be willing to face up to the fact they were no help when we needed it the most.

They are mad. My husband told them I was right. But they claim I had no right to say that to them. I never normally would which is making me doubt myself.


Another User Comments:

“NTJ. A lot of people are focusing on your decision to not have more children, and obviously, that is your and your husband’s decision.

I’d like to focus on what you said.

His parents are constantly criticizing your decision. That is not their place. You have inhuman patience if you put up with it at all. It is none of their business. You are a strong and loving mother. That is your focus.

If they had helped you through those tough times you would still not owe them grandkids.

Maybe if you had not suffered so much, you would have had the energy and willingness to have more children. Maybe not.

You needed to stop their harassment. It was building resentment and ruining your relationship with them. Hiding the truth would not help anything. Where your relationship goes from here depends on if they are willing to face the truth.

They need to be grateful for what they have or they risk losing that too. You won’t put up with this forever even if you are still willing to give them a chance now.” Few_Improvement_6357

Another User Comments:


You are not unfair, wrong, or rash. And no, a larger family is not always better.

Individuals know how many kids they can personally handle, and no one is owed a child OR grandchildren. (Or siblings, and there are no guarantee siblings will get along anyway.)

And I understand why it stings that they are pressuring you SO much when you already struggled significantly in the past. It comes across as “I want you to suffer more for me, and I won’t do anything to help but I will get all the benefit”.

They got to leave when the crying bothered them; you couldn’t.

It sounds more like you were finally tired of their harassment.

I told off my parents when they said I owed them a grandchild, btw. That it was gross and entitled to demand I risk pregnancy and childbirth and 18years+ of childrearing so they could be grandparents.

I told them it showed how little they cared for me that they just wanted to use me with no regard for my feelings, and if they wanted a baby to play with they could adopt.” Kettlewise

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Not even close. The whole societal concept that you “owe” other people a child is sickening.

I am a one-and-doner. My pregnancy was rough and I had bad post-partum OCD/anxiety. (If you don’t know what that is, look it up. I would argue it’s worse than PP depression). Post giving birth, it was the worst 10 months of my life.

My mom always insisted I needed to have another child to give my son the luxury of having a sibling – a support system once me and my husband passed. But she has an estranged relationship with one of her sisters and I always said “just because you have siblings doesn’t mean they will automatically love one another.”

It’s your body, your sanity, and your choice. If your in-laws want a baby in the family, tell them to adopt. I can express this enough – this culture we’ve created that multiple children is the key to happiness and success is beyond toxic. Kids are financially, mentally, physically, and emotionally draining (as much as I absolutely adore and love my son).

And yea fact that your in-laws are willing to let you suffer when they couldn’t even be bothered to help out themselves is unnerving.

If you don’t want a second child, DO NOT DO IT AND DON’T MAKE APOLOGIES FOR IT!!! Nothing is more detrimental than a parent that never wanted their child to begin with.

You’re a freaking warrior. Know your worth and hold your ground.” Little_Mac_1212

8 points (8 votes)

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Squidmom 1 year ago
So why didn't they have more if it's so important. And I'd say that. Where are your husband's siblings. Oh that's right they only had 1. I'm sorry your angel cried, I wish I could've been there to help. Tell them if they can't drop it then they don't need to see the one they have.
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13. AITJ For Refusing To Compromise On Custody With My Daughter's Father?

“I(32f) co-parent my 13-year-old, Lily, with her father. We are generally flexible with days, and neither of us has a problem with the other.

A few weeks ago he texted me “could I pick up Lily Friday, September x instead of y and drop her off instead of b.” When I asked him why, he said his brother-in-law passed away and his funeral was Saturday and he wanted to leave Friday.

It was in a city several hours away.

I agreed to this, I wasn’t happy with her missing school but I compromised.

A few days ago a friend of mine sent me pictures from his social media of him with Lily at a ball game from that Friday in the city where his BIL’s funeral was.

He never told me anything about that.

I texted him and asked what was up with that and why he had lied and he said that he hadn’t lied, it’d been a “lucky coincidence” “their” favorite team was playing in that city and he figured they might as well go to a game to see some of her favorite players.

I asked if she had homework she should be doing and he said she had “plenty of other time” to do it and this was “important to him”. I am very big on the importance of Lily doing well in school so this was upsetting to me that he put a child’s game and something he wanted to do over her schoolwork.

I don’t even think she likes the team for any reason other than to connect with her father and I think this was mostly for him because I see all the “nostalgia” stuff he posts on social media about the team.

I told him he shouldn’t have left that out of the plan he gave me and that I wasn’t changing custody anymore for his mother’s birthday, and that he could pick her up and then drop her off a few hours later but she wasn’t staying overnight and I wanted those hours back later.

Now he’s incredibly upset at me and called me a jerk for “overreacting.” I just want Lily to understand education is important and to be prioritized and surrounded by people that understand that.


Another User Comments:

“YTJ. Hardcore here.

I’m pretty sure that a funeral wasn’t scheduled around a baseball game.

What were you doing the first Friday in September back when you were a freshman in high school?

What was taught in class? Oh, wait. You don’t remember? BUT EDUCATION IS IMPORTANT

Your daughter will remember being able to spend time with her father after a traumatic time for him. Apparently, all they were allowed to do was spend time in a funeral home or graveyard. Instead of trying to spend time together on something they clearly bond with to ease at least one of their feelings.

Based on your post, this doesn’t seem to be habitual or repeated behavior. But on a traumatic weekend, they also did something fun, that didn’t require him be in the car back and forth for hours. Heaven forbid your daughter misses ONE day of class for that.

Heaven forbid you have one bit of compassion.” kathrynd518

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. I understand you are upset and feel lied to. I further understand the importance of education.

You are overreacting. A 13-year-old missing a day of school is not going to compromise her education. It isn’t even going to compromise her attitude about education. But punishing her for going to a baseball game while out of town for a family funeral because she had homework, could.

Because however you frame it not allowing your daughter to see her grandmother on her birthday, or attend other events with her father‘s family Because it’s your custody time is punishing your daughter.

And it makes you look petty and spiteful. Because it is petty in spiteful

The hard-line stance you are planning on adopting is more likely to harm your daughters education.

You can force her to go to school. You might even be able to force her to maintain a certain grade point average. But you cannot force her to value education. You cannot force her to further her education after high school. Also if she is coming to an age where, should your ex-husband want to go to court to revisit custody arrangements, which parent she lives with will be given far more weight.” TeeKaye28

Another User Comments:

“YTJ/NTJ/NJ There’s no ruling for this. She’s not going to fail to get into Harvard if she doesn’t do this homework. Studies show that schools give too much homework and that backfires on the quality of learning kids experience. The time she spent with her father was irreplaceable.

So it’s the time you’re taking away from the birthday party for her grandmother (unless she’s his mom and not her grandmother) as a punishment.

He should have communicated with you about the game once he decided to go-assuming that he didn’t lie about his BIL dying, which is easily confirmed. But this isn’t that serious if all you’re worried about is the missed homework.

Life is far too short to focus on the exclusion of people and experiences. Kids learn in lots of different ways. Homework only teaches them so much.

Did this inconvenience you? Was anyone hurt? Did this cost you savings you didn’t have? These are the kinds of questions you need to ask before refusing to let her go to her grandmother’s birthday weekend.

If the answers are “no”? Perhaps you should rethink the scale of your response to the situation.

And she might have actually enjoyed the game. I enjoyed sharing my dad’s interests when I was her age. It gave us a way to spend time together and talk and have fun together. I learned more about his life and life in general while we were engaged in those activities than I ever did from the homework I did.

And I loved school. I became a teacher (25 years, 6th-12th). And I wouldn’t ever fault a child for spending an extra day with her dad. I don’t remember specific homework assignments from junior high, but I do remember the life lessons I learned from both school and interactions with my parents.” frankkiejo

5 points (5 votes)

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CmHart2008 11 months ago
YTJ. Your reaction about school is absurd and just a cover up because you are jealous that your child & her father had a bonding experience without you. You are also being punitive & spiteful. You are punishing her father for daring to enjoy a spare moment with his child. How about getting yourself to therapy to discover how you can be a better parent & lose your rancor about your daughter's father. At present you can be spiteful but you will be hurting your child.
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12. AITJ For Refusing To Attend The Funeral Of My Ex-Friend's Husband?

“8 years ago, my best friend since childhood (30F at the time, I’ll call her M) completely ghosted me. She fully cut me off without a word of explanation. I honestly still have no idea why she did it – there wasn’t a fight or any incident that I could pinpoint.

I texted her 2 or 3 times to ask her to please explain what I’d done and to at least talk to me one last time, but she never did.

It was traumatic and painful, and I was hurt and sad and angry. It took several years but I eventually was able to make peace with the situation.

I’m no longer resentful with or angry at M, but I have no desire to interact with her ever again.

Another one of my childhood friends, V, is still close with both M and me but told me at the time that she didn’t know why M cut me off. I never knew if that was 100% true but I didn’t want to put V in the middle of anything so I let it go.

I found out a few days ago from V that M’s husband died suddenly. She started seeing him after she cut me off so I never met him. From what I heard from V, he was a really good guy and M is obviously devastated. I genuinely feel really sorry for her.

I thought about sending some flowers or something as a small olive branch (not in an attempt to rekindle the friendship, just to offer my condolences) but then decided against it because I figured that hearing from me, a person she obviously doesn’t want in her life, may make her feel worse while she’s already grieving.

V and I live in the same city while M still lives near our hometown, about 2 hours away. V texted me yesterday to “make plans for the funeral.” I was really surprised and told her that I had no intention of going, and V blew up at me. She said that I was being selfish and petty about something that happened almost a decade ago, and letting my hurt feelings get in the way of being there for my friend.

I told her that M chose not to be my friend 8 years ago and hadn’t been there for me during anything since, so I didn’t feel that it was my place to show up for her. I also told V what I’d thought about sending flowers – that M probably won’t even want to hear from me or see me, considering that she hadn’t reached out once since 2014.

V told me that it was presumptuous to assume that so I told V that she was being presumptuous to assume that M did want me there. Then V called me a coward.

I’m not nearly as close to V as I’d been with M back in the day, so if V decides to cut contact with me over this it won’t be the end of the world.

But I’m curious, am I being the jerk by not reaching out to M or attending her husband’s funeral?”

Another User Comments:


I don’t know and you don’t what M’s grievance was, but V seems to know and wants you to gloss past it.

When my mom died, I was really annoyed by superficial “respects” paid by people with whom my mother had mutually detested. Years later, I realize that people try so hard not to think about death that they want to go a script instead of processing it.

Maybe that’s what V wants from you. To just go through the motions for the sake of appearances, maybe your friendship is rekindled with M, maybe it isn’t. But it’s not V’s place to meddle.

The best advice I have is to not explain yourself so much. You don’t have to get into your reasons, even when pressed. You can even turn it around.

“Why do you think I should go?”

“Oh, that’s an interesting point, I’ll have to think about that.”

“No, let’s not make plans but I’ll let you know if anything changes.”

Explaining yourself sometimes feels like a negotiation to people. Keep the “no” part firm and steer the conversation away from yourself.” Hekili808

Another User Comments:

“Absolutely NTJ. I was in a situation just like yours. My childhood best friend ghosted me when we were in our 20s. It was a super traumatic experience and it took me probably 10 years to get over it. I just couldn’t understand how someone I loved so much could just let me go without a word.

Now, I’m like you, I have gotten over the anger but if I ever saw my former friend on the street, I’d just keep walking.

Putting myself in your shoes, if a mutual friend came to me and said that my former friend’s husband died and asked me to go to the funeral, I’d laugh.

There’s no way I’d be welcome at an event like that. I would look like a crazy person who had attachment issues. I wouldn’t even send the flowers. You haven’t spoken to this woman in 8 years and she chose to end the friendship. You owe her nothing. I don’t know what’s going on with your other friend, but she doesn’t seem to get the dynamics in play here.

I would let her know in no uncertain terms that you are not interested in discussing your former friend any further. If she tries to argue, shut it down. You’re done.

I’m so sorry OP.” rainydaymonday30

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. M ghosted you; she chose to end the friendship. If I ended a relationship (I don’t do that by ghosting!), I would feel incredibly uncomfortable if that person showed up at a family funeral. I would feel like they were trying to take advantage of my grief to weasel back into my life.

M doesn’t need to try to parse whatever happened between you right now, or to be caused discomfort even if her ghosting you was not nice. V has no social skills.

I know someone with serious, serious problems who does crap like that. She’ll cause chaos, be cruel until she’s shown the door, and then a year or so later, when there is a tragedy, she tries to push her way in because she thrives on feeling like a savior.

She did it when a friend of mine lost her son in 2020, and I finally called (at my friend’s sobbing request) and cussed her out for harassing the family, making it clear the police would be the least of her problems if she showed up again.” Indepedent_Ad9670

5 points (5 votes)

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Grish 1 year ago
NTJ. I had something kind of similar but different t perspective. When I met me second husband, my at the time closest friend got extremely jealous, hated sharing any time with him, even though we still did a lot just us, and even tried to split us up by lying about him. I wouldn’t split up with him, because we had grown to deeply love each other. He’d bent over backwards to try to get along, had even gone over and cleaned her house for her and dune chores she physically couldn’t handle. But she hated it that she was single and I was not. So she had moved out of town, but came back for the holidays, after telling me she was not coming, she showed up and called me at my job, wanting me to basically just walk out in my job and get fired so we could hang out. I was also super sick, but so was a lot of the staff, so I was holding on to get through the day. My shift ended at 10 pm, so I told her no, I could not just walk out of work, but could make plans for my day off or the weekend. She refused to see me or talk to me the rest of her trip. Then once she left, she sent the most hate filled negative toxic letter you can imagine. I did not read it all as the first page or so was enough. My guy and I eventually married and had a wonderful marriage and relationship until he was killed in an accident. A day or so after he died, she called, I guess she had heard. But she picked up acting like he had never existed and wasn’t devastated, abd everything was about her, her new tattoo, her hobbies, etc. I was absolutely sickened by her behavior, but didn’t expect much different. She did not come to the funeral, of course, but just the whole time surrounding that, abd there was no ability to share memories or offer of support or sympathy, she hasn’t really known him much, so of course she couldn’t, and nor did she want to. Our communication ceased not long after as she was mad over another thing again, and honestly I was glad to let it go at that point. Whatever commonality we had had, that was long gone. She was living off her family with no responsibility and dealing with her disabilities which I’m glad she’s done that, but I’m dealing with mine, and being a hard working responsible adult, paying bills and making a living, which she seems to not really understand. Trying to connect with someone grieving like that, it’s not a great time if there’s any tension or hurt pre-existing, on either side.
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11. AITJ For Ruining My Sister's Engagement?

The truth was going to come out eventually.

“I am not close with my sister at all. I am 25F, in school, working, and living on my own.

I have not talked to Kitty (28F) in seven years.

We have chatted, but it is only to make my Mom happy.

It is only about tv shows and Kitty’s life. I don’t tell her anything about my own and my parents know not to share anything with her.

I have been “late” to every holiday so that Kitty will be gone by then. I don’t have her on social media, she is MUTED on my phone, and she has never met my new partner (Kylie).

My mom begged me to come to a family dinner because Kitty is engaged and they want to talk about the wedding. I agreed to go on the condition that Kitty calls me by my preferred name. My full name is Thomasina, I go by Masie. Kitty insisted for YEARS on calling me Tom/Tommy… which I hate with a passion.

Mom said they would have a chat and I went.

Things were going really well until we went out to the bonfire pit. Mom went inside to get dessert and Dad said he needed to hit the hay. I ended up thinking (foolishly) that maybe Kitty had matured. Brad (30M) seemed really nice.

Brad asked why I hadn’t invited Kyle to the meal, as he would love to meet him.

I asked if he meant Kylie, my partner. He looked really confused and said he must have misheard. When Kitty went inside to get another beer, he asked me if I was ever romantically involved with someone named Kyle.

I said no. I was involved with women, exclusively.

He then asked me a few more questions about my life.

It became really obvious that he thought I was close with Kitty when I was not. I was honest with him and said I had not really spoken with her in 7 years, we were not close, she is not on my social media, and I was not going to go to the wedding. My mom had asked me to come.

I said I should probably head home. Brad asked if I lived locally. I said yes. I lived down the road.

He got up, went inside, and got into a screaming match with Kitty about her lying to him. They left pretty quickly. I found out from my mom that Brad has asked for them to go to therapy, that he thinks Kitty is a liar or seeing other men behind his back.


Another User Comments:

“NTJ, but it sounds like your sister got caught in a loooot of lies.

She claimed you lived far away, so if she was taking long trips “to visit you”, she now has no alibi for the times she was gone. If he saw texts from men in her phone that she claimed were from “her sister’s man” because all of you are “so close and talk a lot,” she now has no way to excuse them.

So no, you did nothing wrong except likely expose her infidelity, which is her problem, not yours.” Slight_Flamingo_7697

Another User Comments:

“Here’s what I think is happening:

Kitty is with someone named Kyle. Brad found out about Kyle (maybe he saw a message from him on her phone, or she let the name slip), and to cover it up, Kitty said he was your man.

That’s why he asked you about Kyle.

Kitty makes trips to see Kyle, either because he lives out of state or they meet up out of state. Brad likely asked her about it, so she said she was visiting you so he wouldn’t get suspicious. That’s why he asked you where you live.

Kitty’s lies made him believe the two of you are super close.

Brad began asking about you more, so she created a spiral of lies to continue covering it up. That’s why he asked you if the two of you are close.

You telling Brad the truth made him realize Kitty is, at the very least, some kind of liar. Worst case scenario, she’s seeing another man.

Regardless, OP, Brad is not angry with you; in fact, he might be very grateful for telling the truth. He’s angry at Kitty for lying. That also means you didn’t ruin the engagement. Kitty did with her lying.

NTJ. I hope you’ll keep us updated. I don’t ask for updates often, but the Kitty Conspiracy is a spicy one.

Especially since it seems like a lot of the family has shunned her. What’s that all about?” bluecarnallove

Another User Comments:

“I’d say ESH, but you are literally the only person here who’s NTJ.

Brad should not have started a screaming match.

Your mother shouldn’t have forced the issue.

That said, I can maybe excuse them both, for one reason.

Kitty is that reason. WOW, she sounds like a class act. Lotta comments are guessing she used you as a scapegoat when she would go be unfaithful, and/or when Brad saw texts from other guys on her phone. And I gotta say, I think they’re right. You were honest, and the fact that your honesty doused all of Kitty’s bullcrap in gasoline then struck a match is not on you in any way.

This whole situation is a clustercrap of Kitty’s making, and now she gets to feel the hammer of consequence drop on her.

Hope you and your girl enjoy yourselves and have a happy life together. Far, far, far away from this dumpster fire Kitty orchestrated.” boltswinagain

5 points (5 votes)

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Squidmom 1 year ago
Ha. She used you in her lies and didn't tell you. Not that you would've lied for her anyway. She's an idiot. NTJ. And we need to hear how it ends.
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10. AITJ For Taking My Biological Kids On A Trip Without My Stepkids?

“I have four children. Two bio children who are 17 and 15 and two stepchildren who are 12 and 11.

I was a widower when I met my current wife 7 years ago. My first wife had passed three years before meeting my current wife and she was a single mom whose ex was not in the kids’ lives at all. So they came to see me as dad and I love them. But I admit my love for them did come at the expense of my kids somewhat, something that only truly stuck with me recently, when my bio children told me they were done with any and all “family” time, that we were not a family, that they wanted to go live with their grandparents in another state.

I was shocked. I had thought I had done a good job of being there for them and providing them with a family. We talked. They explained how to them my wife and stepchildren were not people they loved and considered family and that by never getting time with just me, they felt like they had lost their whole family, that they did not consider it family time when we were all together.

My daughter told me she was pretty much ready to leave and had even tried to graduate early, but due to her learning disability, she was unsuccessful. It was a huge wake-up call for me.

I had sat and discussed what was going on with my wife and I told her I wanted to take my son and daughter away for the weekend, just the three of us.

It wasn’t until I got back that my wife told me my stepchildren had told her they were very upset, and she decided it was unfair that I left them behind and made them feel like they were less my kids. They never said anything to me before when I spoke to them. But when I got back they told me they felt it was unfair and that I should be their real dad too.

I explained we could do something just the three of us, but that my son and daughter needed some time with just me.

I am making much more of an effort to make my bio kids feel like they have not lost me and that they can be honest and open with me. My wife wanted to do something with my bios while I spent time with my stepkids since we got back.

My bio kids weren’t interested. Which turned into my wife being very upset and telling me again that I did the wrong thing taking my bios for the weekend but not my stepchildren. She said I showed my kids that they (she and my stepkids) are not family. I told her I could not change their feelings after the damage I did, but that maybe in time, if they feel like they haven’t lost me, they could have a better relationship with them as well.

But I told her firmly I did what I needed to do for my relationship with my older two children. She said it should never come at the expense of the younger kids.


Another User Comments:


Your bio kids were old enough to remember their mother after she died. Your wife will never be their mother, you are the only family they have left, and they absolutely deserve alone time with you.

Your stepkids have known you most of their lives. You are the only father they know. So feeling like they aren’t your “real” kids is going to make them feel like second best, and I don’t think there’s a way around that. However they have 2 parents, and your bio kids don’t feel that they have that.

I think that you did what was right, given the precarious situation. Your bio kids deserve their dad, and instead, they feel like they’ve been replaced. I think that you should make an effort to have “alone time” with just you and your bio kids every other weekend or so. They’ll be out of the house in a few short years, so you need to do what you can to preserve that relationship.

As for the stepkids, you need to make them feel important and loved. I think they’re old enough for a child-friendly explanation as to why your older kids need extra attention. Maybe do something with them once a month as well. Make “Dad Sunday” a thing. Once a month with stepkids, twice a month just bio kids?

Also, the bio kids are getting old enough that you could probably do more things under the guise that they’re older. Teacher the 15-year-old to drive, go see an R-rated movie with the oldest. Things the younger ones can’t do, so they don’t feel left out because they’re not your bio kids, just because they’re younger.” squidgemobile

Another User Comments:

“I really feel for your kids. There is this big push to blend families but the truth is, your kids didn’t choose them. You chose to marry a woman with children. They are not your bio kids’ family if they don’t feel it. These younger kids have the best deal. They still have their mom and gained a father figure, as well as older siblings.

Your kids lost their mother, then get to live with young kids who do her to grow up with their mum. Their time with their dad (now their only bio parent) is less, and they have to do things all together, so even what they were doing was all geared towards the younger kids. That really can’t have been fun for them OP.

You finally see their side and take them away in a bid to reconnect. Can’t you see your current wife was stirring up trouble the whole time you were away? She turned the kid’s against it – they were fine before you left. You didn’t need to take them away too. You can’t make your kids like your new wife and her kids, but you can protect them from her stirring up trouble.

You can stop showing your bio kids that they are not as important to you as your stepkids.

It really feels like your current wife wants a father figure for her own kids. She won’t mind if your kids go no contact when they leave home, or if they leave as soon as they can.

That means more attention and time and savings for her kids. She doesn’t care for your kids like a mother. You don’t have to treat steps exactly the same as bios – especially not in these circumstances when the family has not blended, and there is a big age gap between the two sets of kids.

You are your bio kids’ father – and their only remaining parent. You need to be in their lives.

You know you prioritized your steps over your bios. You were surprised at how bad it was for them. You need to work on making it better for them. What would their mother say? Would she be happy with how you’ve put your own kids second to some other man’s kids?

It’s not the steps’ fault their dad is nowhere to be seen, but it sure as heck isn’t your kids’ fault, is it? Yet they have paid the price. Make it right OP, before it’s too late and they’re gone. Your wife needs to butt out and stop stirring up trouble while you do it.

YTJ – but I really hope you can heal your relationship with your kids. Put them first for once, show them you love them, and let them feel like a priority to you.” hi_hola_salut

Another User Comments:


OP this is really your last chance to keep and maintain contact with your kids.

If you don’t, they will go NC/VVLC on you as soon as they are of age. Don’t screw this up.

I’d actually suggest you make a point to pencil in now an annual weekend where you take off with your kids, and your wife has special time with hers. Maybe also have another weekend a year where her kids connect with their side’s relatives and your kids with your first wife’s/yours.

Hopefully, these would then continue once the kids move out giving them strong extended family contacts.

I get that your wife is feeling excluded and possibly riling up her two. I won’t call her a jerk because these situations are rarely as easy as fiction/tv/films make out.

I DO think you should sit down and talk and make this a thing about special bonding time between a parent and their own kids.

After all, her kids may resent that your wife is spending time trying to get your kids to see her as their new/replacement mother. I think it would be healthy for each original family to have ‘us’ time, maybe maintain ‘their’ traditions.

At this stage, you are never going to have the Brady Bunch blended family; don’t chase a myth.

But you CAN hopefully achieve a relationship where everyone can be courteous, even pleasantly friendly, and manage to be under one roof for the next few years and then short periods of time once they all start going to college/work.

You sound like you’re willing to put in the time and energy to repair the relationships with your bio-kids.

Keep doing that, and good luck!” dragonsfriend-9271

3 points (3 votes)

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Grish 1 year ago
NTJ. Your kids are still grieving, and will always grieve their mother. They may never get over seeing your second wife abd kids as the ready made pop up family. It might have been smart to get the steps tune with their bio-dad, or she should have considered planning something special for them. The basic jealousy is that your natural kids got a fun experience they didn’t, I hate to say, not so much the exclusion. She should have planned better. Meanwhile your kids don’t and may never feel comfortable calling them family because they remember before, and they have needs, and especially a difficult adjustment with mom gone. The other kids may need a long soft explanation of the missing their mom and why they need time with you, but they dint get to dictate it. Maybe you can spend a weekend with each one solely, at some point, but if your biological children need that connection, they need it. Period.
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9. AITJ For Judging The Restaurant My Friend Picked To Celebrate Her Birthday At?

Her birthday, her choice, right?

“For the past few weeks, a friend (28f, Lisa) of mine (25f) really tried to get somebody from my friend group to go to a restaurant in the city we live in with her. It’s a vegan place that is basically like those cheap “Chinese” restaurants that have a very long menu that is categorized by the type of “meat” in the dish, all the “meats” are of course fake though.

My issue isn’t that it’s a vegan place, I’m vegetarian myself – I just find the heavy emphasis on replacement products a bit odd. So when Lisa asked me if I wanted to go to the restaurant and I checked out the menu I told her that I wasn’t a fan of the concept, but I’d love to go to another place if she’d like.

Apparently, she asked the other people in my friend group as well and got similar responses.

Since you read the title you know what’s coming – we (Lisa, three more friends and I) discussed what she was planning to do for her birthday and Lisa said she wanted to go to a restaurant and out for drinks afterward.

When asked which restaurant specifically she revealed she wanted to go to the vegan place she had talked about previously.When she said that I guess all of us must have looked a bit startled so she asked if anything was wrong. I tried to brush it off at first but she asked again so I told her that I was a bit surprised that she chose a restaurant that she knew all of us weren’t really a fan of and my other friends agreed. She replied that it was her birthday so she could choose whatever she wanted and that basically concluded our conversation about the topic.

She was very silent the rest of the day and has been kind of cold ever since.

In my mind, it’s a valid point to bring up, at least I personally wouldn’t choose a restaurant that I know my friends aren’t going to like. And it’s also not like we’re refusing to go there, if she decides to go through with it we’ll come and not complain.

It is of course true though that it’s her birthday and therefore her choice of restaurant, so maybe I should have continued denying that something is wrong. So AITJ for telling her truthfully?”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. First of all, I’ve eaten at those restaurants, and the food is delicious. If the only thing you all have against the restaurant is that it describes it as “vegetarian chicken” or whatever, then it’s an odd hill to die on.

As a bit of history: those restaurants originally opened to serve the Buddhist monks who all take a vegan diet as part of their lifestyle. So you don’t have to worry about there being any meat in the dishes whatsoever. They name their dishes in a way to help the novices acclimate, and also as a way to draw in customers who aren’t vegetarian/vegan.

Many of these recipes date back 1000s of years and as far as the Chinese are concerned is the “original vegan food.”

Second of all, the birthday girl gets to choose. The only way she could be considered selfish for her choice is if someone in the group cannot eat anything at the restaurant for medical reasons.

She chose a resto she wanted to try and help her friends expand their palates and try something new. That isn’t thoughtless. The way you all balked at it and had to make comments is thoughtless…” Felis_Dee

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. You should’ve seen this coming. First of all NONE OF YOU knows “that” you’re not going to like it.

You haven’t tried it, so you have no idea what it’s like. You’re all TAs for refusing to try something new, on that count alone.

Secondly, she’s been agitating to go to this place and none of her so-called friends will go with her. You all are TAs for that alone, as well. There aren’t that many vegan places out there, and a lot of them aren’t that great, so to refuse to support your VEGAN friend in finding a potentially great new VEGAN restaurant is a jerk move.

Especially for a vegetarian.

Thirdly, you’re all ignorant. Chinese Buddhism, which is CENTURIES old, is a non-meat-eating tradition, meaning there’s an ANCIENT traditional vegan Chinese cuisine. They’ve had CENTURIES to perfect it, unlike western vegan food which is typically made up of new, experimental dishes. Chinese vegan food is traditionally organized by meat substitutes, so it’s on YOU to just take it as it comes.

You wouldn’t go to a regular Chinese restaurant and object to fried rice being separated from steamed rice on the menu, so why is this an issue now? FFS!

And, most importantly, unlike western vegetarian food, pleasing flavors and textures are the MOST important thing in Chinese food, so you’re guaranteed (unless the restaurant just sucks) a pretty tasty meal, even if you’ve never liked seitan before.

Get your head out of the mud, plaster on a smile, and get ready to wish her a happy birthday. And stop trying to ruin her experience, for goodness sake!” JadieJang

Another User Comments:

“NTJ and here’s why.

First of all, all food choices are valid and if you don’t want to eat meat or animal derivates and have your choice treated as valid, then you have to accept that I, a carnivore or a pescatarian of whatever, am making valid choices.

Food shaming goes both ways and the holier-that-thou attitude of some vegans is frankly repulsing.

Second, “my party my choice” is not really 100% true, as you are the host and are supposed to ensure your guests enjoy the party too, or accept the fact that people aren’t going to attend the party at all. She is using the bday card to blackmail you into going to a place you’re all not interested in (a perfectly valid choice) and frankly I find this manipulative, petty and childish, especially since it has been previously made clear to her that you don’t want to go to this eatery.

If she’s so interested in the place she can either go by herself another time or find somebody else who actually wants to try it out.

It’s not the place, or the veganism, it’s the principle of trying to force people into situations they don’t want to be. You don’t get to pick what people should try or not, do or not, where they should eat, how they should dress.

Even at your own wedding you can dictate the style, but not force people to attend. It’s a matter of respect and boundaries.” Weird-King6449

2 points (8 votes)

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thmo 1 year ago
So, none of you have actually been there, but you decided because of how the menu was written that you don't like the place? Uh...YEAH, YTJ...
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8. AITJ For Not Paying My Step Brother And His Wife's Expenses After Kicking Them Out?

I (29F) was hosting a party for my mom and stepdad’s wedding anniversary. I flew out my three step-siblings, and their partners to all spend the week in my city, and then on the weekend, we would have the party. I (and my husband) live in a pretty small flat, so there weren’t enough rooms for everyone to stay, so we offered for my stepbrother Mark and his partner Fran to stay on our yacht for the week.

(No one in our family likes Fran, because she is a militant social justice warrior and can’t keep her opinions to herself, and she’s always no general etiquette.)

So, the week went on with Fran making out-of-pocket comments about our city and lifestyle, which was expected but still annoying. One night, me and my husband were attending a party, and I didn’t really fancy inviting Fran and Mark but we did, and surprisingly everything was fine (we didn’t see them for most of the evening).

We invited a few people back to our yacht for an afterparty and of course, Mark and Fran were there. Fran was quite intoxicated and started again making inappropriate comments that were making people feel a bit awkward. One of our friends was telling a story about how he did something funny that incurred a fine.

Fran got upset and said how the fine he’d paid was more than most people make in a year and that he should be ashamed to be happy to throw that much savings around. She said she was sad to see the amount being spent in our city and how ungrateful and wasteful we all are.

Cue awkward silence. I jokingly said that next time Fran should take herself camping because I didn’t spend my savings to fly her out here, treat her to dinners and parties and yachts for her to be sad, and everyone laughed and moved on. Eventually, everyone left and we went to bed.

The next morning, I told Mark and Fran that I was humiliated and horrified by her behavior, and I wouldn’t have people being disrespectful to me while staying on my property.

Of course, they were still welcome to come to the party and the flights home were taken care of but they couldn’t stay on the yacht until the party. I probably would have relented if there’d been genuine remorse from them but Fran doubled down on her attitude and I’d had it. After a brief argument, they left and went to stay in a hotel.

The party went off without a hitch, and we were all keeping the peace for my parents’ sake.

A few days after they’d gone home, they sent me a bill for their hotel stay, saying that since I’d kicked them off the yacht, I should pay for their expenses. I sent them a response telling them where they could put their bill.

This made the rounds and my parents are now asking that I pay the bill, as it was a lot for them and not for me, and they came on holiday with the expectation that they wouldn’t have to budget for accommodation. I said they wouldn’t have had to if they’d had an ounce of decency and that I won’t be paying, but my parents are begging me to so that it doesn’t impact Mark and Fran financially.


Another User Comments:

“YTJ. Imagine saying you live in an expensive city AND own a yacht, then having the nerve to say you aren’t rich (even if it’s because of your husband.) Also, Fran is right, it isn’t funny to joke about spending as much as someone makes in a year. Like genuinely why bring Fran around everywhere if you don’t like her comments?

You are upset she called someone out for throwing their earnings around and then make a joke that sounds more like you were trying to embarrass her the way you feel she did you. Then you kick her and your stepbrother out after promising to host because of one comment? In your admittedly expensive city?

If you don’t pay it, then I would not blame going super low contact or no contact.” Bunni_walker

Another User Comments:

“ESH. Although to be honest, OP sucks more.

They didn’t have saved for the trip. You graciously offered to pay for travel and lodging. Then kicked them out of that lodging in an expensive city that they cannot afford.

Sure Fran was out of line – you brought rich, entitled jerks to the yacht where they were staying when Fran was already “quite intoxicated.” What happened next is completely predictable.

Pay the bill, and don’t offer to cover their expenses again. You will be a bigger jerk if you leave them stuck with an expensive hotel bill they couldn’t afford in the first place!” funchefchick

Another User Comments:


At first, I was leaning towards ESH, but I don’t think the punishment fits the crime at all. They were livid and made a valid remark that you and your friends probably needed to hear to put things into perspective. It IS absurd that you’re all laughing about a story where someone did something that incurred an immense fine with people present who couldn’t afford to pay such a fine in the first place without going through all of their savings.

People can get upset about that, ESPECIALLY when they’re intoxicated.

As for disrespecting you on your property: they only disrespected you by proxy because they didn’t “behave” (voicing a valid criticism, though it likely was in an inappropriate tone) and talked back at someone who was out of touch by their standards. I’d say that’s simply an issue of incompatibility, and in my opinion, it’s understandable to have such a reaction.

The alternative they had was to just go to their room and suck it up while the people they have an issue with kept having a party in likely adjacent rooms. That would have obviously been the better choice, but especially when intoxicated, it’s not that easy to make that choice. Plus you were having that party at their accommodations.

Depending on the size of the yacht, they would have had a hard time putting an end to the party or leaving it without at least being subjected to some of the noise that comes with it.

But that should just be one of the experiences to teach you that not all people are compatible and that the next time you have a party with a bunch of rich people, you shouldn’t invite Fran and everything’s fine.

It sucks that she was bringing y’all down, but as you were having a party and some people had a lot to drink that night, it’s not the end of the world and nothing I’d throw someone out for.

Considering you expected something like this to happen in the first place and Fran seems to have behaved quite well despite your worries for the majority of the night, instead of kicking them out with your lecture, you should have laid down some boundaries and made it clear that you don’t want her to be around your friends and that she won’t be invited anymore.” Voeglein

1 points (3 votes)

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ashbabyyyy 1 year ago
NTJ, on No planet is it her place to comment on how anyone spends their money. She wanted to be a rude b*tch, she can pay for her own hotel.
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7. AITJ For Jokingly Telling Our Teenage Daughter We'll Pay For Her Plastic Surgery?

“My daughter Hazel (15f) has been going through a phase. I am not one bit conventionally attractive, to say the least, and Hazel is mad at me for giving birth to her and giving her ‘bad genetics.’ Everything bad that happens to her she will blame me.

She tells me that I should have never had kids since I ‘knew’ they would look ugly and monstrous.

It has been bugging me, and I honestly hope that she will grow out of this. Honestly, sometimes she makes me feel bad for having her. I try to be as polite as I can whenever she says these things, but today was my last straw.

She was late for school. When she came home she told me that she would never be late if she did not have to spend hours putting on makeup to hide ‘my horrid face.’ I told Hazel that I was sorry and that if she wants, I can pay for her plastic surgery.

Hazel has been even colder towards me than she had been before, but AITJ for saying that?”

Another User Comments:


Your daughter is hurt.

She hurt you.

It sounds like she’s being bullied at school and is projecting the cruel things that have or are being said onto you.

You need to investigate further. Find out what’s going on. Talk to her about how she’s feeling. Talk to the school about who she’s around.

Was she rejected by a boy? Bullied by a group of girls? Photo in a yearbook made fun of?

You need to get involved, communicate, and work with her to get through how she’s feeling.

Please get her into a therapist so she can talk to someone impartial about this and learn healthy coping mechanisms.

You’re not a jerk for making a mistake in what you say in response to something hurtful. But you need to get past the pain of what she’s saying to you and help her handle her feelings.

When you told her you’ll pay for plastic surgery, you compounded it, you gave credence to other people telling her she’s unattractive and made it real for her at home.

You need to dial it back. Talk to her about your own struggle with your looks at any point in life. Talk to her about how frustrating it is to be a teenager and how crappy kids are. Have some really open, honest conversations.” rightthenwatson

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – It’s a normal phase for teens to separate themselves from parents like this, to be antagonizing about it.

Normal for them to worry about their appearance and bodies. Does that mean you have to accept it? Nope. You guide because you’re supposed to guide.

Tell her the comments on appearance WILL stop. What’s more important is raising a human being who develops talents, skills, and values. If she can’t be bothered to focus on that, you’re not interested in her whining about looks.

After that, you might want to talk to her teachers. She might be getting bullied and is projecting on you. It’s coming from somewhere.” GoingApeCostume

Another User Comments:


You need to actually manage this. She’s being extremely unkind to you. It cannot continue. There should be clear consequences; there should have been clear consequences before it got to a reactive point.

You’re trying to be as polite as you can? That’s not parenting. Be respectful sure but polite to someone insulting your existence, no. Lotta books out there on parenting teens.

Also: you’re very sure you aren’t conventionally attractive. Has she heard you say that??

She didn’t start with these comments. She’s been insecure for a while.

If you’ve been this passive since the get-go, she’s going to escalate. I imagine she felt she was yelling at a wall.

This doesn’t excuse her behavior but you certainly have a major role here.” Ladyughsalot1

Another User Comments:

“Oof. ESH. Your daughter is old enough to understand that if she says hurtful things, she may hear hurtful things and that even the most loving of parents have their limits.

You showed her that today.

But… This should never have gotten so far. If she’s having trouble with her self-esteem then you need, as her parent, to address the underlying mental health issue that’s causing her stroppy behavior. You also need to set appropriate boundaries rather than just showing tolerance or ignoring these remarks. Your daughter is struggling to respect you here, but she’s also struggling to respect herself, and she’s learning that from you being far too passive about allowing her to carry on saying things like this without any consequence.

Modeling manners is one thing – but being polite rather than correcting your child’s crappy behavior or explaining that she’s being hurtful to you and that’s not acceptable is not good parenting at all.” redcore4

1 points (1 votes)

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Grish 1 year ago
So, she’s got some pretty scary self esteem issues it sounds like, but she’s also being a typical major teenage jerk. I suspect some therapy and getting to the bottom of her issues needs to happen, if she’s being bullied she may need to switch schools or something. Hopefully over time she will become a deeper person who is not vainly focused only in her looks, but that takes time. Try to be sensitive to her triggers, but also dint put up with the blatant disrespect and cruelty she throws out at you, that is not healthy for either of you.
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6. AITJ For Reporting My Neighbors For Trespassing Even Though They Had Permission?

“Basically, my wife inherited her parent’s house when they moved. When they first bought the land and built the house, the people already living behind them had made a riding trail for their dirt bikes.

The backyard is a little less than 1 acre and their trail comes into the yard about 75 feet and goes all the way across the yard. Now her parents had no issue with this and let the kids keep riding through. Now the whole family has dirtbikes and rides through. When we moved my wife told them that it was okay to keep doing this.

The issue began when I had to start working from home. It was a 1.5-hour drive to my office, my wife didn’t like me driving that long and by the time I got home in the evenings it was late, and I wouldn’t get all of my share of household work done between eating, showering, and spending time with her.

I’d put it off until my days off. That caused a lot of fights between us so the solution we came up with was I took a pay cut and worked from home since there were no career opportunities closer for me.

When they ride their dirtbikes through, you can hear them clearly in the house.

It caused me a lot of issues during business calls and conferences. I’ve closed all the doors and windows. There’s no other room I can use for my office. I’ve tried talking to my wife about it several times, and my wife has been home a few times where I’ve had to push a meeting back by a couple of hours, drive to my office to handle business, then drive home.

My wife refused to tell them they couldn’t use the back end of our yard anymore because they’ve been doing it for so long. So I went and talked to the neighbors about it. Told them what was going on and asked that they please call to see if I have any meetings or calls scheduled before they start riding.

That worked for about a week until they talked to my wife about it and she apparently told them they didn’t have to do that. So once again it’s noise during the daytime when I’m trying to work. I felt like I exhausted all my options in finding a better solution to this so I filed a police report over the neighbors’ trespassing to get it to stop.

They have stopped but now my wife is livid with me for being a bad neighbor and going over her head over a ‘silly’ matter. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“ESH. You for calling the police on your neighbors for doing what they had been given permission to do. You and your wife need to work that out between the two of you.

You took a pay cut to work from home for the sake of your wife. Then she actively undermines your ability to do so. Major, major jerk.

Your wife actively undermining you and the fact that she’s more concerned about the neighbors than you is a giant red flag. You should seriously reconsider this relationship.

Seriously, something is not right here.

“Because they’ve been doing it so long” is not a reason. Things can change. And this clearly needed to.” opinionreservoir

Another User Comments:

“YTJ because you didn’t deal with the real problem; your wife. She knew it bothered you, it interfered with your job, and that you worked something out with them but instead of backing you up, she told them to ignore your request and just do whatever they want whenever.

What you did was very aggressive and will only lead to more problems. You need to find out why your wife cares more about playing nice with the neighbors than supporting what you need. It could have been as simple as telling them “during the hours of 8-5 Mon-Fri,” my husband is working, so please don’t ride through here.

It’s not rude; remember y’all are doing them a favor, but however, it came up again. She didn’t back you up, and now the neighbors think you are a jerk. It’s like you and your wife and playing tit for tat, trying to one-up each other’s word.” BBW90smama

Another User Comments:

“ESH, including the neighbors to a degree for deciding to talk to your wife about calling ahead being inconvenient.

You and your wife need to learn how to communicate and set boundaries. It is not normal to let your neighbors utilize your property in that fashion, it’s not public property. It is unreasonable for your wife to expect you to work under those conditions without making concessions such as soundproofing. I would argue you didn’t go over her head, you attempted multiple times to negotiate and compromise which she ignored/rejected. That said it sounds like she’s a people pleaser – I know for me I had a lot of anxiety about being a courteous neighbor and appeasing them even to my own detriment.

There may be something else going on especially if she’s grown up with her parents talking about how important it is that the neighbors are allowed to use the space, instilling neighbors’ value/importance on her, etc.

But you making a police report for trespassing when they had permission is a seriously jerk move.

I realize and appreciate desperation, but this is an issue between you and your wife, not you and your neighbors.

You guys need couples counseling. Both of you have communication issues and issues regarding setting boundaries/compromising. Taking that out on your neighbors isn’t going to resolve anything.” Aradene

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. The people riding dirtbikes are interfering with your work, the job you already took a pay cut to do from home because your wife doesn’t want you to have the long drive to the office.

You asked your wife to talk to them about it; she won’t. You asked the neighbors nicely to contact you so your work is not interrupted by their leisure activities; they won’t. If things keep on how they are, you may lose your job because of work complaints about the ambient noise level.

Something has to give here, no?

Either can you work from the office for better pay where you can actually do your job & your wife just has to get over that, or you can work from home where the neighbors with their loud recreational vehicles are not permitted to cross through your property & your wife just has to get over that.

Either way, some compromise is needed on your wife’s part.” Far_Anteater_256

1 points (1 votes)

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Beenthruit 11 months ago
NTJ. Sounds like your wife would rather be friends with the neighbors than be married to you.
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5. AITJ For Pulling Out Of My Best Friend's Wedding As Maid Of Honor?

“My best friend and I have known each other since we were like 3 and we have always been super close. She’s the first of us to get married and I am so happy for her and was so happy to be asked to be her maid of honor.

What she and I were not expecting was for her fiance to consider my ex such a close friend now that he’s his groomsman. We knew they kept in touch after I broke up with him but we had no idea they were friends. What’s even worse is my ex is using this as a way to try and force his way back into my life.

She gave me a warning when she found out and I agreed to one night out with all six of us (my best friend, her fiance, and their bridesmaids/groomsmen). I was paired with her fiance’s brother who is the best man and my ex was with her sister who is a bridesmaid. But he would not stick around her sister at all.

He kept coming over to me, he tried to get me to take him back, he joked that we should go and hook up, He touched me a few times and I had to brush him off. He was just intense.

Our breakup happened a little over two years ago. We were together for five years, lived together, had talked about marriage and babies, and then I heard him mock me to his friends and say disgusting stuff like I was so boring as a person but at least my body was good so he could drown out the rest of me and just focus on my looks.

He mocked me for being sensitive. He also mocked the fact I had low self-esteem from my childhood relating to my family and he told them details only he and my best friend knew.

My best friend asked her fiance if there wasn’t anyone else. He told her the two of them got so much closer in the last two years and he truly considers him his closest friend now, so no. He said we should be able to deal with being around each other for a few hours.

She asked if there was anything she could do to make it easier. But I just can’t be around him like that. I can’t have him following me around and trying to win me back. He humiliated me. He said things that I never would have expected out of him. Five years of my life he got, to treat me like that.

We agreed that I should pull out of the wedding. My best friend is so upset and she’s upset with her fiance. He’s now angry with me and he told me I should have sucked it up for my best friend and followed through on being her maid of honor because it meant so much to her.

He told me I was being petty and I should be able to ignore my ex for the sake of my best friend.

I do feel bad. I hate doing this. But I know I would feel like I am trapped if I have to deal with my ex throughout the wedding. There is no doubt in my mind I would be miserable.

She knows this too which is why we agreed. But I hate doing this to her. I always dreamed of being in her wedding and now.


Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your friend’s fiancé is the one who is causing this stress for your friend, not you. If men have nothing else they always have the AUDACITY though.

For him to say you’re the one who is unwilling to make a small sacrifice for your friend’s happiness is WILD considering he is choosing a friend of less than 7 years (likely less than 2 years since you guys didn’t even know they got close) over her friend of nearly a lifetime. If HE cared about his wife he would not include the guy at all.

If he understood basic logic he would not include the guy at all! Also, I would be concerned if my husband didn’t see anything wrong with that guy’s character after the issues that caused you to break up and the way he continues to harass you.” 3thantrapb3rry

Another User Comments:


You both–you and the ex–can suck it up.

Go. Support your lifelong friend. Tell the fiance to warn/tell the ex to leave you alone, and allow you to support him/his wife on the big day. Don’t talk to you, try to be around/near you, and just focus on being a groomsman. And you, as maid of honor, focus on the bride.

Bring a date. Tell the guy you’re paired up with what’s up and to never leave your side. Hahaha.

And seriously, if the ex comes around you, ignore him or sic the fiance on him.

It’s uncomfortable, but showing up despite him is your best revenge. And, you didn’t betray a forever friend for a little moment of pettiness.

After all, she chose YOU over her SISTER to be her maid of honor. That’s pretty deep. Clearly she loves, trusts, respects and honors you–you have to do the same…at least this once.

I mean, would you abandon your cart and leave the grocery store if you saw your ex there? The movies? A concert?

Or, would you just ignore him and carry on with your life?” TheVoiceUCantUnhear

Another User Comments:

“ESH. You only because you should have stood up for yourself that night and humiliated him in front of the wedding party in public. Not yelling, just loud enough for the people in the group to hear in response to one of his approaches preferably with total disgust in your voice.

A good, “what on earth makes you think you are worthy of me. Your behavior is disgusting, you are repulsive, and do not touch me ever again.” Repeat if necessary. Her fiancé as he should have told your ex that he is not to approach you, talk to you or even look at you. Your friend as she did not tell her fiancé to set a hard boundary with your ex.

Ex for obvious reasons. This could have been handled better and possibly worked, but it meant all three of you had to shut him down hard from the start.” holisarcasm

Another User Comments:

“You’re NTJ for not wanting to be around your ex or pulling out of being the maid of honor, but my question is are you planning on not going to the wedding at all now?

Just so you don’t have to be around him? Cause if he was being that aggressive on a night out do you really think he won’t be that aggressive just because you’re not in the wedding party? Do you think that he won’t be like that at the reception or before the wedding starts if you’re just a regular guest?

I don’t blame you for not wanting to be around him at all. I have an ex that I would be the exact same way about, but I think I would suck it up and be her maid of honor because he’s gonna act like that if ur in the wedding party or if you’re just there as a guest. The only way to avoid him is to not go all.

So either don’t go at all if you really don’t want to be around him or just suck it up and be there for your best friend. Maybe even take a really close male friend as a date just so you have someone to help run interference on your behalf.” Stunning_Leg8105

0 points (0 votes)

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LiaMckellen 11 months ago
I'm guessing oh "voiceyoucantunhear" is either a dude or someone who hasn't been harassed. Harassment does not make for a fun wedding. Husband-to-be is not wrangling his "best friend" at all otherwise the behavior would have stopped ASAP. Even ignoring how your girl cares so much for you, the stress of having to keep an eye on the misbehaving pig will be too much for a bride on top of everything else. This is just ridiculous.
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4. AITJ For Making My Son Walk Home After Waking From A Coma?

“My (F) son, Jay (19M) is staying home from college.

I know my son goes to parties, and drinks, like someone innocent his age, so every time he goes out, I ask him not to overdo it and not to drive if he drinks. He usually does what I ask.

Saturday, there was a graduation party at a college in my town and he got an invite to the party.

Since I knew he was going to drink, I confiscated his keys and he took the Uber to the party, always giving him the same warning not to overdo it.

Around 6 AM, I didn’t pay attention to the time, because it’s very common for him to sleep unannounced at friends’ houses, I got a call saying that Jay was hospitalized. And I went into despair, running to the hospital by car.

When I arrived, they informed me that he had a coma due to heavy intoxicated, and luckily, there was no sequel.

I preferred not to scold him, but I admit I was frustrated and disappointed by his inconsequentiality.

So, after he was discharged from the hospital, I asked him if he could walk, he said yes and asked the doctor if there was any problem with him walking; he said he just had to go a little slow.

We left the hospital and I told him he would have to walk home (1.2 miles away), because if he was old enough to go into a coma from drinking, he is able to get home by himself. And I left him there (it wasn’t dark), but I could hear him complaining and saying it was unfair.

He arrived 40 minutes later, complaining to the walls about how cruel I was in making him walk after he was in the hospital and that he can’t ask for an Uber because he had lost his cell phone (he was with his friend).

My husband (not his father – the father agrees with me) said that I was pretty hard on him and that maybe it wasn’t the best way to deal with it.


My son is fully capable of walking 1.2 miles; he has already walked 3.7 miles to kiss a girl.”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. It’s agreeable that you’re frustrated with your son, but you did such a harsh punishment. For God’s sake, he was hospitalized. You could’ve taken him home then scolded him. I’d have preferred you scolded him, then punish him by walking.

And you cannot dare compare him walking 3.7 miles to kiss a girl. That situation is different. Love has no bounds. And he was healthy enough to walk such a distance. OP, next time if you want to punish your kid for getting too intoxicated, maybe take their phone away for a week. Something reasonable that wouldn’t exert him after he’s been hospitalized.

I will say this though, be grateful it wasn’t anything worse. I get that it is concerning he got hospitalized but again, he made it to the hospital safely and he is mostly fine. So also don’t get too mad at him. He was having the time of his life and as far as we know didn’t do anything too concerning.” Lotuses4Ever

Another User Comments:

“Well guess who isn’t ever calling you again if he’s in trouble and needs help! YTJ.

A friend of mine has a deal with her teen daughter that if she’s ever intoxicated or otherwise unsafe, she will come get her no matter the time and won’t fuss at her until the next day.

The same kid knows that if she needs help and can’t get ahold of mom, she can call me or either of my sisters no questions asked.

This kid is only 15, and we’ve made this clear to her. We’d prefer she makes good choices, but no matter what she does, we would rather know about it and have her be safe.

We don’t want her riding with an intoxicated driver because she’s afraid of getting in trouble.

Your kid could have died. And you made him walk home from the hospital?” AdEmbarrassed9719

Another User Comments:

“NTJ… Play stupid games, win stupid prizes… He’s 19, not 4. Chose to over indulge and was hospitalized; there are penalties for his stupid decisions.

If the doctor gave the ok, then him waking home was safe medically.” censormenow2

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. You weren’t honest with the doctor about how much walking, he would have told you absolutely the heck not on the spot.

You obviously have no idea what it’s like coming off the effects of intoxication like that.

When I was in the hospital for drinking too much back in my heavy drinking days, they wouldn’t even let me walk to the bathroom by myself because that’s how unsafe it is. You made him walk 1.2 miles while he was disoriented, wildly dehydrated, and probably had no food for his body to use as energy.

He could have passed out in the road and been hit or knocked his head or a million other things. But yeah, what a good lesson. You know what lesson he learned? Lie to mom. That’s what he just learned.” WholeBeeMovieScript

0 points (6 votes)

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Grish 1 year ago
Probably not the best thing to do right after waking from a coma. You are lucky he made it and didn’t find him unconscious passed out on the side of the road and hit by a car. After he recovered, then yeah I could see it, but upon release from a hospital, well, that’s pretty cold hearted, as a lot of times it’s hard to even stand. Comparing what he did healthy to what you have decided he can do upon hospital release is ludicrous. I’m all for consequences after this kind of behavior, but I’m honestly kind of surprised he made it home alive from this, and if he hadn’t it would have been your fault. YTJ
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3. AITJ For Paying For My Daughter's College But Not My Son's?

” “I can see both sides of the argument here so I want some other advice.

I have 2 children, my daughter Lilly and my son Jim. Jim graduated high school this year and Lilly is in her 3rd year of college. For the past few months, I have gotten massive amounts of trouble from my ex-wife because I won’t pay for Jim’s college costs entirely like I currently do Lilly’s. Jim has not talked to me for over a month right now because of it.

I feel like I am 100% in the right though because the situation with Jim is completely night and day compared to Lilly.

Lilly graduated high school with a 4.0 GPA. She has always been incredibly gifted when it comes to academics. She got a full scholarship to a prestigious college, and I cover her housing, school supplies, and expenses.

Even with this, she works as a student employee as a lab tech to make ends meet.

Jim graduated this year with a 2.1 GPA (we didn’t think he was going to graduate at all at the beginning of the year.) He has never put school as a priority, and for many months, he just stopped going entirely.

(I blame my ex for this as she let him get away with this.) I didn’t even know he applied for colleges until he announced that he got into the lowest-ranking college in the state.

I was happy for him, but the tuition for this college is insane. His mother and he assumed I would cover the tuition cost and living expenses I like do with Lilly.

I told him there is no way in heck I would do that. His tuition alone for a single semester is more than I give Lilly in a year, and with his past record of school, I would not be shelling the funds out. I told him if he wants to go to a community college to get his generals out of the way, I would pay for that, but there is no way I’m supporting him.

Especially because I do not trust he would actually apply himself.

Jim and his mother have made my life a living heck since then. They have told me I am playing favorites and making sure Jim has no chance to start his life off. I could theoretically afford the tuition, but there is no way I am comfortable making the sacrifices to do so just to see if he likes college enough to pull c-‘s like he did in high school.

My family agrees with me, and Lilly herself told me she does not think I should support Jim because her support in no way even compares to what financial support Jim would need.

Jim has gone no contact with me, and my ex blows my phone up every few days telling me that I have crushed his hopes and dreams and that I can still make it right.

I don’t feel like I’m in the wrong here, and there’s no way I’m going to give him the funds, but I need to know if I’m in the wrong with my thinking.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ since you have offered a very reasonable compromise in terms of funding him at community college.

FWIW I am in California and this is what many kids – even ones with good academic achievement do.

They go to community college for two years and then are guaranteed a spot in one of the UC universities. That way they have the UC diploma AND the higher level diverse curriculum when it matters. The first two years are going to be basic requirements for the most part.

Also, I am not sure what type of school is the lowest rated but I will accept for the sake of my post that this is the type of college, which takes anyone who is willing to pay tuition.

Typically it attracts sloths and party people who want the college experience because kids who actually want to benefit from college go elsewhere – including community colleges for the first two years.

On a cost-benefit analysis, graduating from one of these poorly rated schools isn’t particularly helpful as the degrees don’t have much value, and it is unlikely given the atmosphere that the level of classes and what is learned is especially high.” Jujulabee

Another User Comments:

“I would personally approach it differently. I don’t really think YTJ, but at the same time, you need to have a fair approach that doesn’t make YTJ.

You can’t change the past, so I think it’s unfair to make excuses for the future based on something that happened and can’t be changed.

You have a few options. As others have mentioned here, you can offer to pay the same amount for both of your children’s educations.

However, I strongly believe tuition assistance should be a reward. Your daughter earned a scholarship for her grades, and if her grades are above a certain level, she will keep it.

Approach it the same way with your son. His grades suck, and if he wants you to pay for school, he needs to bring them up. You already offered to pay for community college, which is a fair start. I would continue to encourage that because it sounds like the only reason he would be against that is to party at a 4-year school his whole freshman year while paying $40k/yr.

You could offer that if he maintains a 3.0 each semester, you will pay for school. Maybe you could even sweeten it by saying 3.5 or higher and you pay for all of it (if you can foot the bill). Look forward, not at the past. I was a crappy student in middle school and slowly improved through high school until I graduated college summa cum laude.

Let him work to earn it, and make sure to stay plugged in and track his progress and show you are proud he’s studying and has a 3.0 by midterms.

The biggest risk of all you need to consider is: what happens if he is determined to go to this school and has to take on all the debt for it?

How far will he go before he realizes that by the time he graduates, he’s in 160k of debt with a degree that may not be able to repay it? Will he drop out after the fall semester if he is failing? Could he fall into depression and feel like his life sucks because he’s failing and is stuck in debt?

Those aren’t necessarily factors that should impact your decision of whether to pay for school, but you should make sure that your approach to his education considers those outcomes to avoid them.” vfootball92

Another User Comments:

“YTJ because apparently, you took no interest in Jim’s future. Why were you not there, helping him to figure out what comes next after high school?

You had no idea at all that he applied for and wanted to go to the expensive college. Why not? Even a person with a 2.1 GPA deserves to have a work future. Did you not discuss this at all? You should have begun looking at options in his junior year. Plenty of people who barely passed high school, went to trade school or a traditional university and are doing just fine today.

You made no effort at all to talk with your son and figure out a plan with him.” Sunshine12e

0 points (4 votes)

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Grish 1 year ago
SoLilly got a full ride, and you are laying the extras. I’d say I was willing to put the same amount towards your son as you do your daughter, but he and his mom need to come up with the rest, whether it’s through loans or grants or whatever. Frankly he’s not going to work for it anyway if he’s just handed the money and has to put out no effort to get it pays for. Since Lilly has gotten scholarships, you aren’t paying everything, it would be an unfair situation to her that she had to put out so much effort and your son gets two or three times the amount because he’s lazy and entitled and did not want to work for it. Give them equal amounts, and make him get the part time job. I would also build in a conditional GPA to the offer of continued support, but I’m a bit hardcore.
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2. AITJ For Asking My Sister To Babysit Since She Lives With Us Rent-Free?

“I (30F) raised my youngest sister Jen (20F) since she was 13 because she had to be removed from our mother’s care. Currently, at 20, she still lives at home because she decided she wants to drop out of college and work full time for a while to figure out her major after getting an associate.

She currently works roughly 50 hours a week as a nanny and got this job recently.

My husband and I had a baby boy two months ago, and before he was born, Jen said she’d be up to watch him a few days a week since she lives with us rent-free, although she does her own shopping.

Since getting her job, Jen has no longer wanted to watch my son. She has 1/2 off days a week, and so we try not to overburden her, but even on days where she doesn’t work at all or is off early, she claims she’d just like to be “child-free.” To her credit, she helps around the house after work or she’ll watches him here or there, so my husband and I can go for nightly walks or use the bathroom.

However, the issue occurred earlier today. I asked Jen if she could babysit my son on one of her off days, and she said that she had plans with friends on one day, and intended to use the other to handle daily errands and her own chores like laundry, cleaning her room, etc.

I told her that on her errand day, she could just take her nephew with her and watch him while she cleans up, but she declined and said she wouldn’t be able to get anything done since he never wants to be put down, and her body is tired from all the roughhousing she does with the kids at her job.

I told her that this isn’t what she agreed to before, and she noted that she had a different job then, and she doesn’t want to work on her off days too now.

It’s unfair honestly, and she suggested paying another sitter, but why would I pay for a sitter when there’s a literal professional in the same home that just refuses to do the work?

She thinks I’m being overdemanding of her and that I agreed to having a third person indefinitely added to my life when I decided to conceive.

Her comment was entirely unnecessary, but AITJ?”

Another User Comments:


This is a very good example of parentification.

This is the classic ‘I do you a favor by raising you and housing you, so you do me a favor by looking after my children.’ Your sister did not have your baby.

You had your baby. That baby is yours and your husband’s responsibility, not hers. She is not required in any way shape or form to do anything for that child.

How would you like it if you spent 50 hours a week working at your job, and then when you got home your parent or guardian expected you to continue doing that job (FOR FREE), using excuses like ‘you said you could help out’ or ‘it’s your job, why should we hire another person to do it’ or ‘i’m family so you should do it for free.’ That is exactly what you are doing here.

The only difference is, you’re expecting her to dedicate ALL of her free time to your child – not just a little bit of time, all of her time. People who work 50 hours a week only get 2 days off. If she is babysitting 2 days a week for you, then she has no free days to herself.

You have admitted in the post and in the comments that she is literally another you. She takes care of the house when you don’t, she calms the baby when your husband can’t/doesn’t care to, she grabs things for the house in her free time (i.e. for you and your husband), and you’re upset because she doesn’t spend every waking moment caring for your child so that you and your husband can go and play games for hours on end?

By stating – as you have – that you want her to give up her only free days so that you can have free days, you are essentially treating her like garbage. You are putting your personal time above her personal time in the name of ‘helping out.’

She is not your slave. She is not a bad person for not wanting to dedicate every waking moment to a child that isn’t hers.

If she moves out and you have to hire someone to pick up what she is already doing (all of the babysitting she’s already doing, all of the house chores, etc.) then she’s already doing above and beyond what any person should have to do for their parent/guardian.” Reddit user

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. The living arrangements previously agreed to are no longer working. Please give her notice to move out before any more resentment builds between you two and your relationship implodes.

There is no harm in asking especially when that was your prior agreement.

It sounds like she’s growing up and setting boundaries. And as a parental figure, its time that you do that too.

I think you got a bum deal here. You raised her yet you are not her parent. It was never supposed to be your duty but you did it. But she also owes you nothing for that.

Just let her go live her life. Your job is done.” wilsoj26

Another User Comments:


She may be your younger sister biologically but seven years ago you became her defacto parent.

She helps around the house, works a long week (with children which is tiring), plus she watches your two-month-old, so you can both go for evening walks. Your the TA in asking but you became TA in feeling so put out that she wants a day off to be just that – a day off from kids.

Personally, I think you should be grateful so few new parents are able to have someone around so they can go for evening walks, get a couple of hours out of the house frequently, etc. I get newborns are hard, I really do, but if she was your biological child people would be telling you not to parentify one child to another.

You’ve said you like/need the help around the house that she provides in lieu of rent, knowing she’ll move out otherwise. I can’t say I blame her on that stance as otherwise, she works 50 hours as a nanny then comes home to be a part-time nanny too. You can’t have it both ways.

I have a child nearly as old as your sister.

I also have a 9-month-old and a hubby who does 13 HR shifts. My son may sit with her for two minutes so I can pee, but I wouldn’t dream of feeling like he should be watching her for myself/hubby to go on walks. If we/I want to go for a walk, the baby goes too (fresh air is good for them too).

If I need the bathroom, she’s in her chair a few feet away while I be as quick as I can. Bath, that’s when hubby is home as we are her parents. My son is trying to navigate the world and doesn’t need nor should he feel like he has to provide childcare just because he lives here.

And no he doesn’t pay rent either. I was parentified and I will not have my son feel like it’s his duty as an older sibling. I can’t imagine myself or hubby ever feeling like it’s “unfair” or feel entitled that just because he’s old enough, he should be doing these things.” Fumble_Luna85

-1 points (1 votes)

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mawi2 1 year ago
Very, softest of soft YTJ. If she has a job, she should pay a little rent for you to hire a babysitter. Don't like that option?

Ask her to leave her job, continue to stay with you, and you pay her a salary that is negligible to what she currently makes minus small rent.

You can't have it both ways, though. You can't expect her to work a 50 hr job, AND be a part time house cleaner and baby sitter for you.
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1. AITJ For Attending A Family Wedding That My Brother Wasn't Invited To?

“I am 4 years older than my brother Mark. I never got myself into trouble and was always a great student.

I graduated and found myself a great job, a loving wife, and all I’ve dreamed of.

Mark is doing good, all things considered, but he sure went the long way. When he got to high school he would constantly hang with the wrong crowds and got himself in trouble very often. He barely graduated and after that, his life went off the deep end.

He flunked college, only got himself dead-end jobs, and only got by with my and my mother’s help. He also got himself into addiction, though I don’t know how bad. Still, all things considered, he was always a very good person. Honest and he never made excuses for himself. He was just lazy and had no direction in life.

During this time he was our extended family’s black sheep, especially from our mother’s side. Our aunt Mary, especially. Mary is very cool but does act a bit pretentious. Her kids worshiped Mark and when the stories about his life started going around (half of them were lies) she started putting some distance but would talk to Mark the same as me when we did met.

Eventually, Mark turned his life around. I don’t know what happened, but I know it was really bad. Long story short, he got himself clean. One year after that he was unrecognizable. He was happy, extroverted, and pretty much left his old life behind.

After 8 years, he was engaged, with a job and a future.

Our family knows of this and they’re happy for him. Unfortunately, Mary never abandoned her old views. She occasionally puts him down because he never went to college and doesn’t respect his job. Every time I visit she likes to show me off as her lawyer nephew…but she never invites him or even mentions him.

As far as her friends know, my mother only has one son. Mark knows this and it hurts him.

Two years ago, Mary’s daughter got married, and they planned this huge wedding. Both me, my wife and my mother got invited but not Mark. We didn’t know how to handle this. We asked Mary’s daughter why was Mark left out and she admitted her mother didn’t want him there because it would make them look bad.

We decided to go without telling him, so he wouldn’t get hurt. He was never even aware Mary’s daughter was getting married.

Of course, eventually, he found out when he saw pictures in social media. He was absolutely crushed. He confronted us and said that if we were family we should’ve refused to go without him.

I disagreed. We fought and he went no contact. To this day my mother feels guilty about it.

This was 2 years ago. A couple of weeks ago, my mother found out that Mark just had a kid and had introduced it to our other uncles. She was very hurt since she never even knew his partner was pregnant.

She asked him why he didn’t tell us about his child. His answer “I love [son]. I will always be there for him, no matter what. I will not expose him to a family that will feel ashamed of him and turn him into a pariah because of some stupid choices.”

Another User Comments:


Mark doesn’t deserve to be punished for the rest of his life for dumb choices he made in his youth. Quite frankly it’s disgusting you, or your mom more importantly didn’t defend him to your aunt after he got his life together. You guys let him be treated like a pariah for a long time, then lied to him and you want to know if you are the jerk.

You and your mom both are jerks. I mean Mark knows he did bad things while in active addiction, and that’s the guilt addicts in recovery get to live with forever (I assure you we are harder on ourselves than any of you could ever be); he doesn’t deserve to be reminded of it endlessly for years to come.

He did the right thing and came out on top. Y’all should be proud of him. A degree doesn’t make a person better than someone else.” Ambs1987

Another User Comments:

“Sorry but YTJ for not even telling him.

He’s exactly right. You were ashamed of him and kept quiet, you didn’t stand up for him and behaved as if that aunt was right, actively helping her cutting him out.

Had you at least told him about the wedding, the situation would be slightly different. Then I would say, even though he turned himself around, it was still a consequence of his own actions and you could have come to sn understanding.

But you and your mom have been cowards. You didn’t keep quiet to protect him.

You kept quiet to protect yourself from having to talk to him about this and reason with him.

There’s just no way I believe for one second you truly thought he wouldn’t find out. You just hoped it would be too late to have any impact on you.

You wanted a situation where you could say: What’s done is done, now we can’t change it, sorry brother, we just wanted to protect you and now let’s move on.

Because you knew that would be easier than to stand up for him or reason with him. And you expected him to forget and forgive although you knew it was unfair.

You’re now just feeling what he felt, and It’s just fair. And I can understand that he will keep his kid away from people who will not stand up for him and have proven so.” GrayDottedPony

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, you had no control over the guest list. And there’s nothing wrong with going to a wedding that someone else is not invited to. It’s ridiculous he went no contact over this. I don’t agree with the aunt but your brother is a jerk for expecting you to not go just because he wasn’t invited.

You should’ve said something though but I get why you didn’t. It’s not like he had a relationship with them so I don’t see why he cares so much.” rainbow_mak3r

-3 points (5 votes)

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diwi1 1 year ago
YTJ when a person is left out of the family, and the group of people he’s supposed to rely on don’t do or say anything to correct perceptions, then it’s on you for them going no contact. I imagine especially for an ex addict, that additional stress and worry is heart breaking and such an easy way to slip back into depression which leads to old bad habits. It is best to eliminate the constant stress factor that’s never going to change and move on with life, meaning get rid of all the family that’s embarrassed of him and doesn’t stick up for him. You didn’t put in the effort, and now he doesn’t either.
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