People Go Over Their Compelling "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
20. AITJ For Doing My Regular Dental Hygiene Routine?
“So I (25M) have been seeing a girl (22) for a little over a month now. This last weekend we spent the entire Saturday together on one long date. I thought it was the perfect day. Not a single iota of negative vibes or unpleasantness for the entire day.
We ended the night at her apartment. Before we went to sleep I went to my car to get my dental kit and went to the bathroom to do my nightly routine. I don’t think it’s anything out of the ordinary. Literally just regular brushing, mouthwash rinse, and flossing.
Upon returning to bed she questioned why I went outside and why I was in the bathroom for so long which was maybe about 5 minutes. I told her I was just brushing my teeth and she immediately became cold to me in a way I had never seen her before.
She told me that it was rude and inconsiderate to do what I did because it essentially ‘shoves her inadequacies into her face’. Apparently, when growing up she had multiple cavities and other dental issues, but I never even noticed any problems with her teeth.
Like I said, this has been a nightly routine for me for years since I was a kid.
We went to sleep after our argument and we’ve been pretty okay since, but a couple of my friends and my older brother have said I was the jerk in this situation for even having a dental kit and that missing a night would have been worth not making her uncomfortable.
So was I really the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Good for you for taking good care of your teeth. You only have one set, and dental problems can be painful and costly.
She sounds insecure, and it’s quite an odd thing to take issue with.
Does she do her makeup? If so, would it be right for you to take an issue because it’s rude and inconsiderate as men don’t generally wear makeup, and it shoves your inadequacies in your face? Or if she practiced a skincare routine, and you had a problem?
It’s just weird. Self-care is great, and all of us could probably improve in one way or another. Don’t let other people stop you from practicing healthy habits and self-care. This is an issue with her, not you.” No_Manufacturer_9071
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Her lack of hygiene doesn’t make your normal (not even strict) hygiene a bad thing.
How can she get mad at you for having hygiene? Hygiene is attractive and the bare minimum. Who wants to sleep to the smelly breath of their partner? She wanna torture her lungs?
It’s her fault for not brushing and then getting cavities and whatnot.
She shouldn’t be blaming you for her own inadequacy. She should be fixing it and improving her hygiene.
You stand your ground, King. Your routine isn’t strict; it’s the bare minimum you could do for yourself. You’re doing the right thing by keeping yourself clean and your teeth healthy.
Plus, if you miss one night, she’ll demand more. She just seems to not want to be the only one with dental issues here. Sharing problems isn’t caring.
If her growing-up issue bothers her so much (judging by how extreme her reaction was), she needs therapy, not a partner with newly developed cavities.
Also, what does she expect you to do with her insecurity? Get matching cavities?
Tell her to brush her teeth. ‘Don’t be so unhygienic and don’t be a bad hygiene influence to others by guilt-tripping them, whatsoever.’
If it continues and if she doesn’t take care of her dental health, drop her.
Kissing her insecure and guilt-tripping butt isn’t worth losing all your teeth in the future. Put yourself first, King.” Vegetable-Umpire-719
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Some women are insecure over the strangest and most petty things. HUGE red flag. Maybe just let her know how important it is to you to do your nightly routine wherever you lay your head, and you can’t be guilted into stopping just because it brings up someone else’s insecurities.
I’d also question your compatibility as a couple. As you said, it’s only been about a month so there’s still a way out with a no harm, no foul attitude.” sharirogers
19. AITJ For Telling Someone Not To Waste Food?
“I (21f) usually always sit with the same group of people in my university’s dining area.
There’s this girl who I’ve talked to a few times, but I’m not really friends with. She’s kind of quiet, but when she finally talks she seems normal. I’ve sat across from her a few times and noticed how she was eating because it was weird to me.
She eats maybe half of her food (keep in mind you control the amount of food. It’s cooked by the cafeteria staff buffet-style. She could easily take less) and kind of plays with it with her fork when she’s ‘done’ (AKA eating half of it, sometimes even less).
I didn’t say anything for a while, but a few weeks ago I had to ask her why she always only eats half her food. She seemed embarrassed but answered she thought she was more hungry and laughed it off. I then asked her why she makes this mistake every time we eat, and that she must have learned by now.
She didn’t really answer (I don’t actually remember, but it wasn’t actually an explanation) and left pretty quickly. She doesn’t really show up that much anymore, but when she does she still eats like this, and I couldn’t hold it in anymore.
I asked her once again and also asked her if her parents never told her not to play with her food.
It was a genuine question, some people are raised in households where manners aren’t important, but obviously, they are for most people. She got really mad at me and told me to stop commenting on her eating habits and that it was none of my business.
I told her that it absolutely was since she was sitting at our table and obviously wasting food. She told me to go screw myself and left and threw out the rest of her food (AGAIN!)
After she left, one of my friends told me to leave her alone as she seemed like she was having a hard time and maybe had some sort of issue with food.
Yeah, obviously she has an issue with food. She keeps wasting it! She hasn’t shown up again, I’m assuming she buys her own food now, which might teach her not to waste it so that’s good. The same friend who told me to leave her alone keeps pestering me to apologize to her, but I think she should apologize to me.
She’s unnecessarily rude when being asked the most basic and obvious questions and also told me to go screw myself? That’s way harsher than anything I’ve ever told her. Keep in mind that I care a lot about food waste and the environment.
AITJ for telling a girl to stop wasting food?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
It was hard to even read the whole thing. Why are you so concerned about what this stranger is doing in the cafeteria?
As much as I hate seeing wasted food what do you think is happening to all the food that isn’t eaten that’s cooked at your school?
It goes to waste. The same thing happens at a lot of fast food chains and restaurants.
The fact that you really kind of don’t understand how awkward and embarrassing it is that you felt confident enough to walk up to someone and ask why they don’t eat all their food/is wasteful is odd to me.
What if she always thinks she’s able to eat more than she actually is able to? Thinks a dish is going to be good but then after a few bites decide it’s not? Who are you really to say? The fact that you feel entitled to an answer to the question is also odd to me.” secondarytrash
Another User Comments:
“Jesus Christ, yes YTJ.
First off, you barely know this person. It’s not your place to comment on her eating habits, period. At all. Like just zip your lips, it’s none of your business what she eats or doesn’t eat.
Second, it surely isn’t your place to repeatedly scold and try to correct her. This isn’t about manners! She doesn’t owe you an explanation or have to live up to your personal preferences just because she sits near you!
Third, you have no idea what might be going on with her health, physical or mental, which is why – again, since you seem stubborn – it’s not your place to have an opinion or make a comment on it.
I don’t know what you thought you set out to do by hassling her, but all you have accomplished is letting your friends know you’re a jerk and isolating someone who may already be in a vulnerable place.” mewley
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Probably haven’t seen her because she’s most likely skipping her lunch now. You should’ve taken note of what your friend said about her having food issues. You can’t control what others do. If you’re not wasting food, great for you.
If you’re educating others on food waste also great for you. If you’re nitpicking/trying to change the way somebody else is doing something just because you feel like you can. YTJ, plain and simple. Your deliverance was condescending. If you really couldn’t help yourself from speaking your mind you could’ve done it in a much more respectful manner.” freakiestsnake
18. AITJ For Being Mad At My Mom For Trying To Set Me Up With My Professor?
“My (22F) mum wants me to get married. For context: my dad passed away a long time ago and I’m an only child. She’s always asking me if I’ve met someone yet, or if I have my eye on anyone in particular, and the answer is always a resounding no. I do want to get married and have kids eventually, but not now.
Not when I’m still so young, still figuring out who I am and what my place in the world is; I am nowhere near ready to be a wife, let alone a mother to another human being entirely dependent on me. When I try to communicate these feelings to my mum, her response is always along the lines of ‘I won’t be here forever, I want to see you settled and to meet my grandkids before I go.’ This ends up making me feel selfish, guilty, and as though I’m letting her down somehow.
My mum often tries to take things into her own hands by introducing me to her friend’s sons, or by trying to make me sign up for various apps, etc. My last straw was this week:
I’m currently doing a Master’s degree and one of my professors is the same ethnic background as me – we’re both Arab.
I found this super exciting because the uni I’m studying at is not very ethnically diverse, especially in terms of staff, and so having an Arab professor who specializes in the field(s) that I’m interested in was so cool to me and I of course immediately told my mum about it.
As an immigrant who isn’t used to representation in academic spaces, she also found it super exciting and was very proud that I was being taught by him. But then she asked me how old he is and if he’s good-looking… and you can probably see where this is going.
I didn’t know whether to start hysterically laughing or screaming.
I told her no, you are not going to play matchmaker right now. This is my professor and I’m not interested. She didn’t listen. She kept trying to convince me that it was ‘meant to be’.
She looked like she was already planning the wedding in her head. I love her so much, literally more than anything in the world, but I couldn’t take it anymore and I told her she was making me regret telling her. He’s my professor and that’s weird enough, but even if he wasn’t my professor, he isn’t my type, he’s too old for me and I’m not ready to marry anyone right now regardless.
Her response was the same ‘I won’t be here forever’ rant but this time with ‘you can’t be so picky otherwise you’ll never get married’ sprinkled on top. I just hung up.
I know my mum’s intentions are pure, so I feel unjustified in my anger, yet I can’t help feeling it.
AITJ for upsetting her/possibly overreacting to the situation?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Mom needs to stay in her lane. You have every right to be irritated. I hope she’s not the type to go behind your back and email this guy trying to set something up.
As a professor, his contact information is going to be available on the university’s website, so you may want to give him a warning.
First, it would be completely inappropriate for a professor and his student to have a relationship, and your mom needs to understand that.
Second, laws of attraction. She can’t force an attraction between 2 people. It’s one thing to introduce you to others, but then she needs to back off.
Third, you said you’re not ready for a relationship. Period.
And the whole ‘I won’t be here forever.’ That’s so manipulative.
No one is given forever. I could get hit by a bus this afternoon!” ApocolypseJoe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Going out with your professor will damage your academic reputation. It could possibly also damage your professional reputation. Sadly she may not understand that OR she may not care because she wants you married and pregnant.
You are young. You are absolutely correct in wanting to wait.
It’s possible she’s lonely. Is there any club/meetups in your area that may interest her? Maybe go with her a few times, and encourage her to make friends/take up new hobbies.” Routine-Pea-9538
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mother’s intentions are not pure. She is selfish. She does not respect you as an adult. When you get married she will push you to have children, when you have a child she’ll push for another child, and so on.
Tell her in no uncertain terms to stop or your relationship will be seriously damaged. Most universities have policies regarding professors going out with their students. He could lose his job.” AtmosphereOk6072
17. AITJ For Not Being Considerate Of My Sister's Trauma?
“A few years ago, my sister (who was 16 at the time) got into a car accident.
She wasn’t severely injured, just some cuts and a sprained wrist, but it was obviously very scary for her (she was the one driving and there was nobody else in the car). After that, she developed an intense fear of cars and driving that extended to others as well.
She started having to take public transit to school, and every time one of my parents needed to use a car for anything (grocery shopping, appointments, etc), she would start sobbing and begging them not to get in a car because she was scared they would get hurt.
Eventually, my parents also stopped driving and would just do everything online or get food delivered (they both worked from home, so it wasn’t a big deal).
At the time, I was a freshman in college, and I really wanted my family to attend my first big theater performance of the year.
However, my college is several hours away and it’s pretty difficult to get to using public transportation, so my parents were planning to use a car to get there. However, my sister obviously refused to go because of the car fear (which was understandable).
But, about a week before the performance, my parents informed me that they would no longer be attending the performance either because my sister would scream and cry every time they brought it up. They said there would be other performances so it didn’t matter that they wouldn’t go to this one.
I was pretty upset because it was my first leading role and they had promised they’d be there to support me. I tried to find ways they could come using public transit, but the logistics were just too difficult, so I eventually just started begging them to use the car to come and that it was really important to me.
They got upset with me and said I wasn’t being understanding of my sister’s trauma and that I was being selfish. At that point, I just gave up, but even now (years later) they still bring it up and talk about how awful I was to them.
So was I really the jerk?
ETA: The performance was several months after the accident had happened.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – and let me say, your sister’s reaction is not normal after a minor car accident. It is not understandable that she refuses to get into a car and has screaming/crying fits when anyone else does.
Yes, being in an accident is scary, however, it should not be debilitating. Your parents should have put her in therapy immediately so she can deal with this instead of giving in to her unreasonable demands.” DisneyBuckeye
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your sister’s trauma is understandable but literally anything can hurt and kill you.
Controlling your parents’ behavior because she’s scared and your parents enabling that will only keep her stuck in her fear.
You wanted your parents to watch a major achievement and something that was important to you, and it wasn’t too much to ask.
You deserve to have your parents listen and support you as much as they did your sister.” Least-Conference-335
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister didn’t want to get into a car because of her trauma. Fine, as long as she got therapy, but no she then inflicted her trauma onto her parents by not allowing them to get into cars either, which then impacted your life.
This is another form of tearing others down to appease someone’s insecurities. They should have put her in therapy and gone to see your performance. They enabled your sister’s insecurities instead of sorting them out. I do not think you were the jerk, but I do think your parents pandered to a great deal of attention-seeking from your sister.
If they bring it up again just say you have learned to forgive them for their disgusting enabling behavior.” User
16. AITJ For Abandoning My Ex On The Highway?
“I was driving with my ex, and we got into a heated argument. She told me to pull over and let her out. I told her this is ridiculous we were on the freeway, but she didn’t care so I pulled over.
We sit in the car in silence for a minute while she cools down. I put her home into the GPS so I could have directions back to her general area, and resume driving on the highway. She then opened the car door while we were on the highway, which makes me cross a few lanes immediately to get into the emergency lane.
She then tells me she’s getting out and she’ll figure it out. I tell her this doesn’t make sense and to get back into the car. She says it’s ok she’ll figure it out and asks where we’re at. I show her where we’re at on the GPS and then she says ok.
I speed off. She calls me back crying because she’s scared. Now she’s upset because I sped off, because I left her, because I didn’t wait for her, and because I put her in an unsafe situation.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She put herself in an unsafe situation.
If you tried to force her to stay in the car you would be abusive, and controlling and could be accused of kidnapping.
Your SO got exactly what she asked for. I don’t know what she was trying to accomplish, but it sounds as if she was trying to manipulate you somehow.
You were in a no-win situation. Women should not play games like this. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
Why did she do this? What was the point? Did she want you to beg repeatedly to stay in the car? She sounds like a nut, too much drama, and none too bright.” ContentedRecluse
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
This was all to assert her dominance. I REPEAT, this was a calculated POWER PLAY.
She is not upset you ‘left her’. She is upset that you asserted your position and stood up for yourself by not begging her to reconsider any longer that night and that you showed her that her assumption you ‘need’ her is wrong.
She absolutely expected you to apologize, beg for her not to go, make promises of all the nice things you’d do for her if she didn’t leave the car, etc.
Don’t be fooled, OP. As a female who has been on the receiving end of manipulation and been manipulative in toxic relationships, this is TEXTBOOK.
I’ve been there, done that, and had it done to me.
Get out of the relationship when you can because this isn’t healthy for your mental state. I know it’s touchy because of the logistics right now, but be strong. When you want/can end things, know that she may make your life a bit chaotic with her trying to victimize herself and villainize you.” a_sultry_tart
Another User Comments:
“Didn’t think I’d be saying NTJ from your heading – your partner was putting you into seriously unsafe conditions and endangering you, herself, and other drivers. She demands you stop and let her out – unsafe in that location but you can’t exactly keep her in the car so it’s lose-lose either way.
You left her there – well she can cause less damage outside the car than she can inside it distracting the driver. It’s still dangerous but so was her behavior in the car – the car more so since she could have caused you to crash or others to crash.
This is a lose-lose situation she created.” M89-90
15. AITJ For Making My Son Pay For What He Eats At My House?
“I have a son who lives in the same city as me, he is currently graduated but it took two years after finishing high school to enter college (by his choice).
His father used to say he was lazy, but I supported him and now he has his second dream career at a great company.
Last week I called him to eat at my house, but while I was making the food the gas ran out.
When he arrived, I asked for $50 to buy the gas and finish cooking, as his father was yet to arrive from work. He gave me the money and a while later the gas delivery man arrived and I was able to finish cooking.
The next day he came to my house (to eat again) and during dinner, he brought up the subject of money and mentioned that he would like me to pay him the $50.
I asked why he thought I would pay him since he eats free at my house. He replied that my food is not worth $50. I was really upset because he really doesn’t need $50 and I’d already spent way more than that on him.
The last time he came to my house (he comes during his lunch break) he noticed that there wasn’t a plate of food for him and asked where it was.
I told him that if he wanted to eat he would have to pay me for the food. He said this was unfair and a jerk move, I didn’t listen to him and stopped him, saying the price was $49 because it wasn’t worth $50. He left my house in a rage and now some family members are saying I was the jerk for it.
I don’t think so, but it doesn’t hurt to ask. AITJ?
Info: For the two years before he started college he lived rent-free and worked most of the time. And where I live we buy bottled gas because we don’t have piped distribution. Even when I don’t invite him, he always comes to my house for food and dinner.
When I call him, it’s to let him know that the food is ready.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It is not like you planned on needing money to buy gas to finish cooking. It seems like he eats there all the time and of course, it is family time, but if he is in a position to contribute every once in a while he should want to.
He seems a bit selfish and entitled. I eat at home often and though I can’t cook I offer to pick up groceries or grab the family’s favorite ice cream. They never ask me for money but it wouldn’t bother me because the cost of cooking does not just include food; it takes time and effort as well.” LKane_DZ
Another User Comments:
“If you expect your son to pay for the food you give him, that’s something you need to give him a heads up on. You can’t ask him for $50 on a whim that he thinks is a loan, then just drop it on him that you don’t think you should have to pay it back.
This is a conversation you should have had outside of a lunch situation.
Either stop making him lunch or ask him to contribute towards your food shop.
YTJ.” Cha_r_ley
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! But I would have paid him back for the gas, and then mention to him that if he wants to eat at your house, he should contribute towards groceries.
He seems to always go over to eat during his lunch, he is saving a lot by not having to eat out. If my mom was cooking lunch for me almost every day, that $50 would have not been asked to be paid back. Even so, when I go to my mother’s house, I will bring some dessert, fruits, or anything I know my mom enjoys.” HistorySweet9902
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
When you asked him for the 50$, he and every one of us was under the impression you’d pay him back.
Given his insults, I wouldn’t be cooking for him anymore either.
But you’re the one who created this environment.
You enabled him to expect lunch at your house because you made it every day, even calling him to tell him it was ready. This is your parenting in action and you should take responsibility for it too.” phenomstar
14. AITJ For Not Wanting My Mother-In-Law To Take Care Of My Kids When I Go Into Labor?
“I am 36 weeks pregnant (33F) and have two other kids (5&3).
When we told the family that we were expecting again, my MIL INSISTED on helping out with my kids when I go into labor. She said day or night, call me I will be there.
Cut to this week, my husband tells me that his mom informed him that she made plans on Feb 27th (my due date) and can not help if I go into labor on that day, according to my husband her words were ‘make sure she doesn’t have the baby on that day as I have plans’.
I got frustrated and said I was assured that no matter what, she would be there. I’m fine with her making tentative plans, but it sounds like these are plans she can not cancel if need be.
I didn’t want to ask her to take the kids for me, I actually wanted my mom so I thought I would be nice and let her be involved with our day.
My husband thinks I’m being irrational and it’s just one day. But to me, it tells me that she is not as reliable as she said she will be. So I said that I’m just going to ask my mom instead. I don’t feel like I’m being irrational as I do not want to stress about not knowing where my kids are going and having to make a bunch of calls when I just have to make one to my mom.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your MIL has been insisting for 7-8 months that she’d drop everything to watch your children at a moment’s notice. Then she had something else/better come up on your due date in 3 weeks. Now she’s basically saying you’re on your own if you go into labor that day.
Nope. No way. You can’t afford to be worrying whether you’ll have someone to take care of your children, and you shouldn’t have to. Your MIL can’t commit, so you found somebody else who could.” SirMittensOfTheHill
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Do you really expect one single person to be ready at a moment’s notice for 3 weeks at the minimum?
The due date is not an appointment (if it is not induced or CS). You need someone to be ready at least 2 weeks before and 1 week after the due date. And that feels a bit short tbh, so I would like more time from the designated babysitter if I were you.
It is only reasonable to share the readiness between your mom and MIL. With enough communication, you know exactly who to call on any given day.
I understand that you have issues with how MIL expressed herself and I agree that she was clumsy in her communication.
She should have said it in a more polite, better way.
But for anyone other than the pregnant couple, being ready 24/7 is inconvenient. They probably do not mind this inconvenience, they are happy to help you. But to ask for someone else to be stand-by on one single day out of the many needed around the due date is not unreasonable.” JaguarZealousideal55
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – when someone INSISTS that they will watch the kids when you deliver, day or night, then they are committing to not making other plans. Now she only wants to do it if you don’t deliver on the due date… Well, it’s also the day before too, because if she has plans on the 27th, what happens if you go into labor on the 25th or 26th… you are going to have to get your mom to watch them on the 27th if you aren’t home yet.
I am betting she was insistent because she didn’t want your mother volunteering to do it. Time goes by and now it’s become inconvenient for her if your baby comes on the due date or you have a complicated labor before the due date…
I would have your mother ready to go, and probably call your mom…” Buttercup303
13. AITJ For Expecting To Get Paid For Babysitting My Nephew?
“I (22F) have been taking care of my nephew Mo since last year when he was about 3 months old since his parents, my brother (28M), and SIL (27F) work and don’t get off till around 4 pm (For context I live next to my parents, the house was my grandfather’s before he passed, this is important to note).
During the beginning of last year around January when it started, friends of mine had said that I should get paid for taking care of my nephew since I was a full-time student and a freelancer. This was the added stress of taking care of a baby for the first time in my life.
My parents, mostly my dad (63M), were the ones to tell me to worry about taking care of my nephew at the time and that I could figure out a job beginning of this year. My dad brought up early on when I was taking care of Mo that I should be getting paid for taking care of him but hasn’t brought it up at all since then.
The plan initially was that I would have my nephew dropped off at my house in the morning after 7:30 and would take care of him till 11 am. Since my dad gets up to walk my mom out at 3 am, I was the one who made this schedule so my dad can sleep in for a bit longer.
Here is where the problems arose, I was expected by them to put my nephew first before my freelance career which caused me to lose client jobs or job opportunities because of it. I started getting very stressed between taking care of a baby and trying to get work done (when I had any at that point) and school assignments done.
It led to me going into a few depressive episodes last year which I hid from my family. Then my brother and SIL wouldn’t communicate with me about things with Mo health-wise or if they were keeping him for the day if they were off.
Overall, I take care of their son 5 days a week, most of the year on top of that, and still get treated only for ‘free babysitting’ and get treated overall like crap by them.
Recently, my dad has broken our deal; not getting up till noon, making me come over and stay there until my mom got home at 2 pm, which I would still be taking care of Mo, my dad wouldn’t really take care of him saying ‘he needed his coffee’.
Past few days, my dad has been complaining to me that ‘all I do is sit on my butt’ or ‘that I do nothing’ which led to today where when I brought my nephew over like normal and my dad was complaining about me again, I snapped and said ‘You can take care of Mo, I’m not dealing with this, you know I started my master’s this week.’ To which he responded ‘I don’t care’ and I stormed out of the house ticked off and frustrated. When I got home, I added my brother, SIL, my mom, and dad in a group chat and sent a text out saying that as of today I will not be taking care of Mo anymore unless I get paid at this point.
I’m tired of being a free babysitter, losing opportunities over and over, and that it would be different if I was getting paid for my time.”
Another User Comments:
“Yay you for growing a backbone! It took more than a year of them taking advantage of you to finally snap and demand better treatment.
Follow through. It’s not just about pay – it sounds like it’s about scheduling, respecting your time, and allowing you to take freelance jobs – so figure out what you need and let them know. Be prepared to compromise and decide beforehand what you will compromise on.
Also, be prepared for them to not like the new you. The old you did whatever they want. They might yell and berate you. Stay strong!
NTJ.” debdnow
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Ok, so it sounds like you agreed to a situation that you’d now like to change.
For me, anything your dad says is a bit redundant because he’s not the parent of Mo.
Nowhere does it say that you raised your concerns about the arrangement with your brother and SIL until a group text message following an argument with your dad.
My feeling is that you should have raised it in person with your brother long before this point if you were unhappy with the situation or how you were being treated.
Text messages are not the best way to deal with family disputes about complicated matters.” jjswin
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
And, honestly, I would give Dad sole care of Mo for at least a month for that ‘sitting around doing nothing all day’ insulting nonsense.
Also, you have to have time off for deadlines and exams. You need to schedule that in advance and be really firm with BIL and SIL that you need to be able to plan your time.
Nobody will like it when you stand up for yourself, but nobody else is going to stand up for you. You either tell the truth about what you need and how things are going to change, and refuse to listen to their nonsense arguments and lectures, or learn to love being a doormat and keep doing badly in classes, losing freelance work, and having depressive episodes due to the stress of it all.
The current status quo is unsustainable. You are right to stand up for yourself. You know, in case that wasn’t clear. This ‘normal’ is literally damaging your mental (and physical) health.” zellieh
12. AITJ For Not Wanting My Husband To Invite His Sad Friend To Our Wedding?
“My (30F) soon-to-be-husband (30M), Max, and I have been together for almost 6 years, and we’re getting married in July.
Okay, so what I did is that I asked Max to not invite one of his friends, Sebastian (31M) (not his best friend FYI) to our wedding.
Max and Sebastian met each other at school and they kept in touch after years, mostly texting, video calling, but he comes to visit us sometimes and we would go to the same parties/events every so often.
First things first, I’m not a bridezilla.
Max said ‘Nope, he’s coming’ and that was it. It was nothing more than a suggestion. The suggestion is the action I’m asking about, I’m not a crazy bride.
My reasoning for my suggestion is that Sebastian is the most Debbie Downer person I’ve ever met.
The definition for that is ‘A person with an incessant need to bring down the collective mood and general ambiance of a group chill’ and he’s exactly that person. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a sweet guy, and Max cares a lot for him and I know Seb is a great friend too.
The last time we were together with Sebastian and a couple of friends in a local bar, we were talking about our future, having kids, getting wrinkles, grey hair, turning 30, and whatnot. When Max asked Sebastian where he’d see himself at 40, Sebastian said something along the lines of ‘Honestly can’t see myself at 40, surprised I made it to 30’.
The group laughed it off (I’d say awkwardly) and Max patted him on the shoulder smiling, but that killed the vibe and changed the topic of our convo imo. You know what I mean? That’s just an example but that’s always his energy!
You know, Debbie Downer. It’s like a human Dementor.
Well. Yeah, that was my reasoning. A few days ago, I suggested the idea to Max. I pitched my case by saying we wanted a small wedding anyway and Sebastian is not the most sociable guy, and his energy is not necessarily the energy I want that day, you know?
That’s all. Max shut down my suggestion immediately and later he said he wasn’t mad at me or anything but his face when we were having that conversation told me otherwise. Apparently, he also told his mother (she was at our place at that moment) because I was getting a weird vibe from her too later that day.
I felt judged.
Like I said, I’m not a bridezilla and Sebastian is going to the wedding. It ain’t that deep! But AITJ for suggesting that?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, OP. All you did was ask. When your fiancé said no you accepted that and moved on.
I understand not wanting him there if he is in fact a huge downer. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting someone who makes their depression a personality trait ESPECIALLY if they refuse to get help. (I don’t know if that’s the case with him I am speaking generally here).
I would be worried that because of his comments, your husband would be more focused on him and not the wedding.” Decent_Artichoke69
Another User Comments:
“Saying you’re not a bridezilla doesn’t make you not a bridezilla. You’re controlling his friend section of the wedding without reference to how it makes him feel.
It’s a long-standing friendship that you should not involve yourself in. He wants him there – Sebastian gets the invite. I’m sure there are people on your side that Max could do without too. It’s called compromise.
And realistically – how much time do you think you’d even spend with Sebastian at your wedding?
You’ll be too busy to even really interact a ton which is why you need to get over it. YTJ!” dontwannadoittoday
Another User Comments:
“NTJ or no jerks here.
If you dropped it after asking only once, then you are definitely not. Your partner should respond by communicating their feelings with you in a respectful way.
People seem to believe you have to like every single person and accept every flaw or you’re not a good person. You do not have to like everyone or want to be around everyone. Even if they have a legitimate reason to be depressed or a downer.
You do not have to like all of your partner’s friends.
This is you and your fiance’s ‘special day’. Whatever that means. There is a lot of pressure from friends, family, and now the Internet telling you how to do your wedding. Have your wedding the way you want it!
That said… Choose your battles. It seems like you already know this as you’ve moved on. For everyone else, save your energy for trying to exclude an awful relative or someone worse than being a downer.” TwoDocks_
11. AITJ For Choosing To Only Cut Off My Dad?
“When I (21F) was 18, I was forced to marry my husband, Neil (28M).
Up until a few weeks ago, I thought he was also forced to marry me. He asked me to find some pictures from his old phone and I found messages between him, his father, and my father around 6 months before the wedding where they were discussing the wedding.
I had only been told 2 weeks before and was led to believe that he had too. Instead, he knew at least 6 months in advance and that when my dad had told his friends and family that he planned to marry me off, my husband actually offered himself up as the groom because he thought I was attractive.
Naturally, I was heartbroken. When Neil and I were newlyweds, I was a wreck. He was so patient and kind and we bonded over us both being forced into the relationship which I found out now is a lie. He provides for me completely, regularly buys me gifts, and is in general a very loving partner to me.
He also put me in therapy for my unresolved mental health issues from my teenage years. I felt completely betrayed and he apologized to me profusely. He paid for my flight to go and stay with my brother because I wanted space and after some consideration, I decided to let it go.
I know my decision sounds ridiculous, but I can’t change the past and I’m happy now regardless of what happened. For practical reasons, it also wouldn’t make sense for me to leave him because I’m still a student and I don’t have any savings. We began counseling and have been making a lot of progress.
My father and I had a very difficult relationship and when he forced me to marry Neil, I was actually supposed to be living with him for university. I had previously been with my mother and her husband and the environment was terrible, so I was extremely excited to move in with my dad after years of us not speaking, it was all actually a ploy to marry me off.
I didn’t speak to him for a few months after the wedding (Neil fully supported me) but I eventually forgave him because Neil turned out to be the perfect partner. Now that I found out that my dad actively deceived me into believing Neil was also forced into the marriage, I’ve decided I no longer want a relationship with him.
I called him today after avoiding him for a few weeks and told him that I knew the truth and that I no longer wanted to speak to him. I also told him that I had chosen to forgive Neil and we were going to work through it together.
He said that I was being unfair as I was letting Neil off but choosing to undo all the work I did on my relationship with him. He also said that since I’m happy now, I have no right to punish him for ‘making me happy’ (forcing the marriage) and I had no right to let Neil off for the same thing.
AITJ for choosing to cut my dad off but forgiving my husband for the same thing?”
Another User Comments:
“I mean, no, I don’t think you’re a jerk in any way in this situation but this is predatory for your husband to accept an arranged marriage and actively plan then build your relationship on a lie.
At least both the fathers were transparent about their roles and choice but your husband pretended and trauma bonded with you when he is a grown-up man taking a girl as his wife when he was willing and you were forced. Please seek more counseling for yourself.
You are NTJ. But you’re wrong about your husband being different than your father. He is a jerk just like every other adult in this story.” wildferalfun
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. They both deceived you. I’m glad your husband is nice to you and treats you well, but he wanted to marry you because he thought you were attractive and wanted to bed you.
He supports you in cutting off your dad because that’s one less person in your life. Don’t be surprised if Neil marries off your daughter if you have one because if he’s ok deceiving you into marriage, he’ll have no problem doing it to your daughter.
You might end up agreeing to it because you seem to think a marriage based on lies is ok.” Lazuli_Rose
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for being a victim of trafficking, but you’re completely wrong about your husband. He is exactly like your dad, to the extent that they conspired together to commit a crime against you.
Let me repeat that, your husband conspired to traffic you into marriage without your consent. Now think about him being the father to your hypothetical children. Would you be ok with him doing the same thing to your daughter? Would you be ok with your son forcing someone else’s daughter into marriage against her consent?
Because that’s exactly the person that you’re married to and the values that he would instill.
‘Neil turned out to be the perfect partner.’
A perfect partner doesn’t force you into marriage. No matter how nice he is to you, he’s still the same person who is capable of doing that.” Legally_Blonde_258
Another User Comments:
“Your husband bought you without your consent because he thought you’d look pretty on his shelf.
If you’re ok with that, more power to you.
Everyone sucks here because your dad apparently knew what was good for you and knows you really aren’t great at being independent and making decisions on your own, as you’ve explained in your post. Still, forcing you into marriage is a jerk move.
Not realizing that your husband actually committed the bigger wrong here by lying to you and using your ‘shared’ trauma to bond with you makes you a jerk. He manipulated you to the highest order and is significantly worse than your father. No idea how you can ever trust him at all.” NuketheCow_
10. AITJ For Refusing To Give My Parents Free Tickets Because They Never Show Up For Me?
“So I (16M) have realized in the past couple of years that I am what they call a ‘glass child’. My little sister, Ellie (12F) was kind of a miracle baby who my parents had after a number of miscarriages. Ellie and I are both autistic, although she has much higher support needs than me and she also has a mild physical disability which means she needs help performing certain tasks as well.
I understand that these things mean Ellie was always going to take up more of our parents’ time than I do, but for most of her life, I have very much been a low priority for my parents. I play sports and do musical theatre but neither of them comes to my matches or shows because Ellie doesn’t like crowds, I’ve had my birthday parties/plans changed/canceled to better suit what Ellie likes to do, and stuff like that.
Also, while my support needs are low, it doesn’t mean they’re non-existent and I don’t always feel like they get met at home. Sometimes I feel like Ellie’s wants get prioritized over my needs and if I ever have a meltdown my parents are less patient with me than they are when Ellie has them.
Onto what’s happening: my theatre club does this thing every year around awards season where we have our own mini awards show. It’s mostly fun and a fundraising thing for the club, but they do it in a nice hotel and everyone gets all dressed up.
Each member of the club gets two tickets for free and then you can pay for additional ones if you want. I’ve given the free tickets to my parents in the past after they’ve promised to find a sitter for Ellie and come, but they’ve never actually made it bc inevitably some issue with Ellie arises.
This year, I’ve chosen to give my tickets to my godfather Mike and his SO Julie instead. Mike has been the person who has most consistently shown up for me, has always come to my games and shows, has taken me to do stuff when my birthday plans had to be canceled, etc., and for the 3 years they’ve been together, Julie has been the same.
Mum and Dad are not pleased. They said I shouldn’t have given the tickets to Mike and Julie because they aren’t my parents, but I pointed out that if they want to come to the event they could buy their tickets instead. They said they shouldn’t have to and I should be prioritizing them coming and I got a bit huffy and said that every time I have given them tickets, they’ve pied me off for Ellie and I just wanted to give them to somebody who actually cares enough about me to show up.
That made mum cry and dad got really cross with me and said that I was being selfish and that I know Ellie needs extra help so it was not fair for me to take my frustrations out on her. They’re basically saying that I’m a brat and selfish and a jerk and it’s causing problems with Dad and Mike as well, so I’m starting to question if I did the right thing.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your parents are crying because they are facing the consequences of their own actions. Please be aware that they are under an extraordinary amount of stress raising two children. I feel like they told themselves every performance and award they missed that ‘We will go to the next one.
There will always be another performance or award for us to attend.’
Well, now there isn’t. You are almost all grown up and your parents are being faced with the consequences for not attending more of your programs.
You aren’t taking your frustration out on Ellie.
You shared your free tickets with someone dear to you. IF your parents make the effort to attend, as you said, tickets are available to buy. You can give your tickets to whomever you want.
Your parents are just hurt and you should be sensitive to their feelings but they are hurt because of their failure.
Not yours.” Maxwyfe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m sorry for the dynamic in your household and I hope it will be a wake-up call for them. You deserve to have people show up for you, and sadly they don’t. I’m sure that was hard for them to hear/face but I hope they take it in a positive direction.
As much as you can, hold firm but be gentle and kind. Say repeatedly if needed, that you love them, and you would have loved for them to come, but that you’ve learned from prior experience they most likely would not. If they really care so strongly to be in attendance – and not just be given free stuff – they will buy themselves tickets and show up.
I greatly hope for all your sakes that they’ll do that.” owls_and_cardinals
They need to try harder. Even if your sis needs a lot of attention their are 2 parents. Divide and concour. It's not always ideal but at least that way one child isnt being completely ignored.
9. AITJ For Not Giving My Mom The Key To My Grandparents' Place?
“Basically my (22F) grandparents are semi-retired and like to spend a couple of months in my country and spend the winters back in their home country.
Growing up I was super close with my grandparents because my mom would always pawn my brother and me off there so she can go out and do whatever, and when I was 16 they gave me a key to their condo.
I still live with my mom and pay her a couple of hundred dollars a month for rent, which is understandable considering I’m an adult and still living with her, so I don’t mind contributing. (I’m in the process of saving to move out). But my mom and I have a very rocky relationship
The issue is ever since I was 16 and got my first car my mom has been basically kicking me out of the house on the weekends so she can have it to herself. She’ll tell me ‘make plans and don’t be home because I want the house to myself this weekend’.
She’d do this because she wanted to have her partner over, or she just wanted some time alone. I could literally be doing illegal stuff, staying at a boy’s house for all she knows, etc, and she wouldn’t care because she ‘needs her alone time’.
This still continues to this day, even though I pay her RENT.
Over Christmas, grandparents announced to the family that they were going back home at the end of January.
I’m like great, now I can stay at their place while they’re gone and not have to deal with my mom… WRONG.
My mom has a talk with me the other day and basically tells me how we have to share my grandparents’ condo and coordinate when we’ll both be staying there because she wants to stay there too, her excuse is that it was close to downtown and her partner’s house.
I told her no. I said so you want to first control when I can come and go at your house, and now that I finally have a place I can stay at to not deal with you, you want to control when I’m here too?
She said it was not my condo and that we have to share.
I said true but I’m the one who has the key, not her, and she has her own house.
She said I better give her the key or I’m not allowed to stay here.
I started laughing in her face and told her to screw off.
Anyway now she’s mad at me and is demanding an apology and the key. My grandparents feel stuck in the middle and don’t want to take sides. Since the argument, I’ve been staying at my dad’s house and have decided to move there for good.
I currently am staying there and enjoying my grandparents’ condo on the weekends.
Mom’s been calling my dad and me nonstop demanding I give her the key and apologize.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
If you are paying rent then it is not ‘her’ house, it is the residence of both of you.
It is your grandparent’s condo, when she asks tell her to ask them for a key. Make them handle this because your mother has been neglecting you since you were 16 and your grandparents appear to think this is something they can ignore so they are tiny bit jerks.
I would strongly suggest moving out sooner rather than later and going low contact with your mom.” glom4ever
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If your grandparents didn’t give her a key and express permission to use their place, she has no right to demand any of this, but it sounds like she’s been getting away with completely unreasonable and selfish demands for years so it’s sort of unsurprising.
If your grandparents wanted her to have a key, they would give her one or ask you to, so you are completely within your rights to continue to refuse.” hannahkelli
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your grandparents may want to stay out of it, but if they actually wanted her to have a key then they would have given her one already.
She gets the house that you pay rent for to herself AND wants this one too? Screw that. If she wants to be closer to downtown then why doesn’t she just stay with her partner?
You’re making the right call moving to your dad’s house.
Move there (assuming he’s ok with that) and give him the rent that you’d normally give your mom.” ToughAd7278
8. AITJ For Not Washing My Partner's Containers?
“My partner (m27) and I (f27) have been living together for a little over a year now. We are generally great at sharing household chores – cooking, cleaning, errands, etc. I contribute more $$ to our living expenses because I earn more and have been working for a while and he is recently out of school and still paying off student debt.
Last night, I was washing up after dinner and finished the dishes that we used. He was just standing there and pointed to his lunch containers and said ‘could you clean those up’ to which I said, ‘wait your lunch containers?’ He responded with a bite in his tone, ‘yes, I cooked and cleaned tonight, and do way more than you around the house, so yeah, you can clean those up.’
I was really upset about his tone and the request. We can help each other out with housework, but shouldn’t someone be responsible for their own lunch containers they bring to work? He maintains that because I was washing up, I could’ve washed and put the containers away.
He maintains that the tone was rude but the request is fair. Curious to hear if you think I am the jerk here.”
Another User Comments:
“A tentative ‘no jerks here’ because it looks like the lunch containers are not the problem.
It’s completely reasonable to expect the person doing the washing-up to do all of the washing-up, including the other person’s used lunch containers (providing they’re not ultra-gross sticky/greasy).
It’s completely reasonable that each person cleans their own lunch containers.
Both positions are reasonable. Neither sounds like a reason to have a fight. Sounds like you should discuss your chores a bit more.” Enough-Process9773
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – Sounds like you think your partner is your servant.
You didn’t dispute his statement that he does ‘way more around the house’ and he had just cooked dinner and cleaned. Even if he made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner, that would have taken more time than washing a few plastic containers.
You need to apologize as soon as possible. If your partner is reading this, and you don’t apologize, he should dump you for being an entitled jerk.” MamaBearMoogie
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but it is all in his attitude.
All he had to do was politely ask if you could please wash his lunch containers since you were already doing the dishes.
And you probably would’ve said yes. It would’ve been completely uneventful.
Instead, he used an imperative tone and not-so-subtly demanded you wash his containers, you responded negatively and borderline passive-aggressive to indicate you didn’t think his containers were your responsibility, and he proceeded to try a petty ‘I do more than you so you owe me’ argument.
Which besides petty, it also doesn’t hold. I’m glad you didn’t escalate and this would’ve been an escalation, but the reality is you could’ve easily retorted that you do fewer chores because you contribute more financially, and thus if he wants you to do more around the house, he needs to contribute more to the finances so it’s a more even split.
Again, that would’ve been an unnecessary (and petty) escalation. But his logic is flawed. What he wanted was a small favor. He acted as if it was his right.” Jolly_Tooth_7274
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. He didn’t need to be nasty or act entitled to you finishing the dishes, but when you’re living together and sharing household responsibilities it doesn’t make sense to me that you’d stop washing dishes when you get to his.
It sounds like both of you are a bit too focused on keeping score, and clearly, there’s more to the story than the Tupperware. Maybe he’s resentful of you making more or having less debt, or he feels the housework isn’t being shared equitably. This is worth a longer conversation.” HybridHerald
7. WIBTJ If I Ask My Grieving Husband Not To Ignore Our Kid?
“My husband recently lost a parent in a shocking horrible way and he is grieving. I’m giving him a wide berth to go through this in his own way, with whatever support I can, without any pressure to do things around the house or even communicate much with me.
I’m trying to follow his lead and be there while he withdraws into himself. I’m also trying to shelve all our existing issues for a while until he has processed this loss, and I realize that can take a long time and there’s no timeline to grief.
He’s in therapy, thankfully.
The only thing I worry about is our two-year-old. They run around calling for their dad and he totally ignores them. Even when he’s right in front of them and clearly upset, asking to be picked up or acknowledged. He will respond and hug them once in a while, but the kid is getting confused at the unpredictability and they’re becoming distraught at times, trying to find their dad around the house even when he’s out.
I keep saying ‘he’s busy’ and trying to distract and comfort him as best I can.
Would I be a jerk to tell my husband he needs to be there a bit more for our child? I’m afraid he’s doing emotional damage to our child somehow, making them see their dad as unreliable and someone they have to chase for attention.
How can I do that without being a jerk?
Info: it was just over a month ago that my husband’s parent passed.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, you wouldn’t be the jerk, and neither is your husband.
You are completely right. Grieving does take its own path, and I’m glad you are being as supportive as you can of your husband.
Grief is hard, and I can relate to this story on both sides. As someone who has lost people close to me and as someone who has had to deal with a withdrawn and grieving parent.
This is not an unreasonable thing to ask. It is likely that your child understands that he is upset and is trying to help the only way they can by showing affection.
I think it might be best for there to be some attempt at a compromise.
Ask your husband to try to accept your child’s affection when they are trying to give it, even if it’s just letting them sit on his lap while he processes so they can feel like they are helping or being there for him at least.
Also, talk to your kid and explain what is happening. Not just that dad is busy, explain that he is going through something very hard, and he is working through it the best he can. Tell them that all you both can do right now is love him and be patient.
Kids understand a lot more than what a lot of people give them credit for. They are also very empathetic.
If your kid has ever lost a toy they really loved, or something similar, tell them their dad is going through something like that. That he lost someone he loved a lot and he needs lots of love and patience until he is feeling better.
I hope that helps! I wish you the best of luck and I’m sorry for your husband’s loss.” Falling4Fandoms
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Be very gentle when you speak with him. Gently remind him that his grief is because of the loss of his parent and you know he doesn’t mean to but he is creating that same sense of loss in a toddler who doesn’t understand why daddy doesn’t want to be with them anymore.
Honestly, he will likely feel better if he does interact with his child but may feel intensely guilty for finding enjoyment in anything. He needs to know that he can be doing unintentional harm to his little one and that there can be a balance between grief and continuing to be a good parent and husband.
If talking to him yourself doesn’t help, contact his therapist. They won’t discuss anything he has shared but you can express your concerns so the therapist is aware and can try to help.
Best of luck to you. You seem like a good wife and mother.
Hang in there.” Ill_Dragonfly_6673
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
Grief isn’t something you can always control. There will likely be times when your husband can and should try harder to be emotionally available for your two-year-old. There will also be times when he can’t.
But sometimes we need someone to pull us back from the brink, so to speak. To refocus our attention back on the world we actually live in. Saying something to your husband about your child needing him might actually help here.
But I’d caution you to be gentle.
Also, your two-year-old can understand, to an extent, what’s happening with their dad. But not for long at a time. These things are too deep for a two-year-old to retain for long.
You’ll have to repeat it, fairly often/consistently. Like several times a day.
But it’s better to explain what’s happening rather than brush it away. ‘he’s busy’ reads to a toddler as ‘too busy for me’, while something brief like ‘he’s sad’ might just mean dad needs some ice cream to cheer up.
I’d try something like, ‘Daddy is very sad because he can’t hug his (parent) anymore.’
And at a separate time, or if they ask questions. ‘Daddy’s (parent) died. That means they can’t be here with us.’
And again, separately, explain grief: ‘This kind of sad is like being sick. Daddy will get better when he isn’t sick anymore.’
Don’t say all the things all at once, they won’t process it. But be honest, and explain your feelings. Toddlers know what it’s like to miss someone. They know sometimes our bodies don’t act the same when things are going on inside. We can’t play when we’re sick.
Repetition will help.
As for your husband, I don’t know exactly what to say, because different people process things differently. I’d avoid mentioning how long it’s been. That can seem like putting a deadline on his grief. I’d avoid making ‘you’ statements. ie: ‘you haven’t been here’, as that could feel like an attack, and lead to him withdrawing more.
And it might be helpful to focus on specific things you’d like him to do with your child, rather than a broad ‘be more available’, (because, really, what does that even mean). He might not be able to enjoy parenting right now. But he’s likely able to go through the motions with some things.
Storytime? Morning tooth brushing? Maybe even a time when they can talk about your husband’s newly deceased parent.
I have a friend who lost her mother a couple of years ago, and she still has ‘grandma story time’ with her kids.
Might be best to focus on small changes, a little more at a time.
I’m sorry for your family’s loss, and grief. I hope everything improves sooner, rather than later.” AnonymousTruths1979
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for your concerns… yet it would be critical on how it is presented. Not an accusation that he is damaging his child, but maybe a question of how you can help as you can see he is conflicted by sometimes engaging and other times not, and while you understand completely, the 2-year-old doesn’t… Maybe even ask about joining him for a session or two to be able to ask the therapist for guidance to help support both him and the baby in the most healthy way possible… Who knows, going with might even give you more insight into his progress, tools, and tips to help you continue your level of support as eventually, you may find yourself frustrated if you are carrying most of the load indefinitely.” Babsgarcia
6. AITJ For Kicking My Brother Out After He Wanted To Be Paid For The Projects He Did?
“I took in my brother when he dropped out of university because he wasn’t enjoying it. Our parents had made it obvious to him that if he was living there he would be expected to pay rent.
My partner and I live in a fixer-upper we bought in an auction.
It needs a lot of work. So I agreed that my brother could live with us as long as he did yard work and helped us fix up the house.
He has been pretty good about it. He has been a huge help with some of the projects.
He is really good at a lot of the stuff that isn’t in our wheelhouse.
Last week though he started saying that we should be paying him for all his work. We sat down with him and explained that he was getting a free place to stay and free food in return for about 20 hours of work a week.
He said that we would be paying a contractor more. I asked him what was going on. He said that he wanted money to go out and do stuff. We told him to get a job.
It turns out he was whining to our parents that we were taking advantage of him.
It was our mom that convinced him that we were not giving him enough in return for his work.
So we told him to pack his stuff and go back to my parents’ place. We dropped him off with all his belongings and now he is their problem.
He phoned us to complain because our parents do not have fiber optic internet and he is expected to pay rent so now he has to get a job.
I feel bad for him but I think he had it pretty good here. A free room, free food, and free utilities.
He wants to come back but most of the projects we needed him for are completed now. My partner and I can complete the rest without him and we like having the house to ourselves again.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s not a professional contractor, so that doesn’t really enter into it.
He was offered free room and board in exchange for helping out with projects part-time. That’s very straightforward and left him plenty of time to get a part-time paid job for anything beyond the essentials that you provided.
It does seem a little like you punished him for your mom’s jerky meddling, but it also seems like you tried to explain it well and he’d just gotten set on deserving more and wasn’t going to accept that he already had it good.
Regardless, if he’s not going to school, then he’s going to have to get used to working enough hours to finance his life. He just cut his ‘work honeymoon’ short, but it’s not like you forced something on him that wasn’t around the corner in every scenario.” Illustrious-Shirt569
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
He kinda had a good deal. And for the people doing the math. If he were a licensed and insured general contractor, he could charge more. He’d also have a lot more expenses, insurance can’t be cheap. He was also getting free food and utilities, that’s a few hundred dollars on top of the rent.
He was also only working 20 hours a week. Of course, OP also benefited from his stay.
Now? He has to pay rent, which will probably require 40 hours a week. That’s ultimately good for him though, he’ll start getting real work history and maybe eventually be able to have his own place.
So, for OP and OP’s brother? Not jerks. Their mom though? An interfering jerk, for sure. (Oh, and brother was a bit of an idiot.)” Fatigue-Error
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You offered (this). He chose not to accept the terms of (this). He’s an adult and allowed to make his own decisions.
As for what you would pay a contractor – yes it is a lot more. But your brother ISN’T a contractor. He most certainly isn’t licensed, bonded, and insured – which always ups the charges. Depending on your state law, he might have been working illegally too.
He is most likely at the ‘casual labor’ skill level. At best, he might be up to the ‘handyman’ level. I would work up the numbers based on those values just to see how close it really was. Because you know that Mom is going to push this at every opportunity.
But since you no longer have a need for his services, it’s a moot point.” CheekiCheshire
5. AITJ For Only Inviting Single People To Our Event?
“I (29m) have been single for about a year after a long-term relationship ended. With Valentine’s Day coming up, some other single friends and I have decided to do a ‘singles-only trivia and bar crawl’ night.
There are 6 of us set to go, and others are invited, but we’re limiting it to single people so there’s no pressure or awkwardness (and let’s face it, most couples have other Valentine’s Day plans.)
A few nights ago, my friend Sara (37f) posted something on social media about something her SO said.
I didn’t even know she had one as she’s never talked about him before and has no pictures of him on social media. I asked Max and Jamie (28m and 32f) who helped organize it what to do, and they said we should talk to her about it.
According to Sara, they started officially being together really recently, but it’s an LDR (he lives about 2 1/2 hours away) and they only get to visit each other every other weekend. We told her while we’re happy it’s working out, it might be best if she sits the trivia/bar crawl out.
Sara was really upset, saying they were putting Valentine’s Day on hold till she can visit him and she was really looking forward to this. She asked if we could please make an exception swearing she wouldn’t talk about her SO and he wouldn’t be coming.
We said we’d do another one open to everyone later that both of them would be welcome to come to but this one was a special case.
In the days since Sara’s been giving us all the cold shoulder. Max feels bad saying we should invite her for part of the night so she won’t have to spend the day alone, but Jamie says that defeats the purpose since she has a significant other now.
I feel bad too, but as we told Sara, she’ll be welcome at something different, this one is just for single people.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“In my honest opinion, single people shouldn’t have to comfort the person who can’t spend the exact day of Valentine’s with their partner.
She clearly values her time with her friends, though, and was innocently looking forward to it.
If you guys want to complain solely about other people being out of luck, I think that’s valid. It’s not the same, whether she talks about her SO or not.
The whole point is that you feel like losers and don’t want to be around people who’ve got somebody when you don’t.
It obviously is going to suck for her, as she feels that’s how her friends see her. On the other hand – I’m sure you’ll celebrate her relationship at other times and want to hear about it and root for her.
You just don’t have the energy to do it on the annual couple fest.
She could probably take the loss on this one if she did actually have the option of seeing her SO.
I think it really comes down to how much your group needs this chance to vent, and whether you’re willing to risk her being hurt about it for a while.
Personally, in your shoes, I’d feel obliged to let her come but would resent it, and it would ruin the whole vibe, so I would straight up say that, or bow out if others wanted her to come and I knew I’d be sat there sulking.
No jerks here.” HiddenDestiny251
Another User Comments:
“YTJ because had Sarah said nothing about her SO that you or the others caught wind of, she would have gone to your event with yall, without her SO, and likely you’d still have not known about him even through the whole bar crawl.
I get in principle that she has a significant other, but if she’s spending valentine’s alone that’s basically the single life too, so inclusion just seems right, especially if she’s conceding she’s not going to bring up her SO or have him come along. ‘Sorry you’ll be alone on valentine’s, we’ll hang out another time’ doesn’t really make the night alone any less painful.
But it’s your guys’ night so do whatever makes you happiest.” Bloomed_Lotus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If the only qualification for an invitation is ‘do not have a significant other’, then she does not meet the qualifications for this event. I can see why she would be upset having her invitation rescinded, but she accepted it in the first place under false pretenses by not clarifying that she is in a relationship.
While she is free to disclose that or not, you are also free to not include her after finding out. I can see why she is upset, it sucks to miss out on something others are doing. But I can also understand you feeling lied to and not ready to have her show up to a singles activity.” WanderingAl08
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Look, I get the idea of a special night for single friends only, but for the purposes of this event, she is single. She never talks about this guy (you didn’t even find out until you saw a mention on social media); she barely sees him; she’s going to be alone that night; she promised not to talk about him (shouldn’t be hard to keep that promise since she’s never even mentioned him to you or your friends).
Lighten up; the more the merrier!” TemptingPenguin369
4. AITJ For Telling Someone An Employee Died When That Was Far From The Truth?
“I’m one of the managers at a franchise location. I got a call a few weeks ago asking if one of the employees ‘Shelly’ was there. I asked who it was and he said his name was ‘Karl.’ I told ‘Karl’ I didn’t know if we had a Shelly that worked there but I would check and ask him to leave his number.
He did.
The next time Shelly was there I asked about Karl and gave her the phone number. She said Karl wasn’t his real name and he was her ex and asked if I confirmed she worked there. I said I didn’t. She said good because she didn’t want him to show up.
Karl continued to call, and I told him no Shelly worked here. We were getting these calls daily, and they were super annoying. One day I told him we used to have a Shelly, but I was pretty sure she died in a car accident.
He got really upset and started crying on the phone, so I hung up.
The next day he called again and asked me the last name of the ‘dead’ Shelly, and I lied and said I didn’t know. He asked what she looked like, and I said I didn’t remember.
At that point, he realized I had lied and started screaming at me calling me a sadistic jerk. I hung up.
I feel like he deserved to be messed with a little, but I may have gone too far, I think.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, not because you hurt the feelings of a stalker but because your lie was so stupid that it actually confirmed to him that Shelly worked there.
Unless he’s a brain-dead idiot he’s going to figure out why you lied.
Next time just say, ‘I’m sorry but I am not authorized to give out the personal information of other employees including confirming they have worked here.’ And give them the number to corporate headquarters.” HarveySnake
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but you handled it poorly.
Look, he didn’t deserve an honest answer from you. He is clearly stalking your employee, and you did the right thing in protecting her. Once he refused to accept your ‘no’ answer multiple times, he lost the right to expect a respectful response.
And it’s bizarre that he assumed you were lying when you told him ‘no’ but immediately believed you when you talked about a car accident.
But it would have been much better if you set boundaries right away (and, as manager, you are in a position to make them official store policies):
This means saying, ‘I cannot confirm anything about our personnel. If you would like to leave a number, I will attempt to pass on your message if that person works here, but I cannot guarantee anything.’
This means responding to phone calls asking for information by saying, ‘It is against store policy to discuss personnel, including whether anyone by that name works here,’ and for repeat offenders, adding, ‘If you call again, we will block your number and you will be banned from the store.’
And this means giving permission to your staff (and yourself) to hang up on calls like this without engaging (especially if you are unable to realistically block his number).” DinaFelice
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
But not to him.
As a manager, it’s your duty to make sure your employee is safe.
You need to have a plan of how to handle this vs. just hoping he’s going to go away.
This is quite literally a life-or-death situation you have on your hands. I’d be reaching out to upper management, women’s shelters, and the police about how you can handle this.
What steps can you take with or without her support?
See if you can file a harassment complaint for him against the establishment. Are you keeping a record of all the calls? Duration and what is being discussed? Do you have a game plan for if he shows up at the establishment?
Would she be comfortable with other employees knowing what he looks like and helping get her somewhere safe if he does show up? Does everyone else know not to say that she works there? Can anyone walk her to her car after her shift?
I’m worried about her leaving her job for fear for her life.” Inevitable_Access_15
3. AITJ For Joking About The Smell Of The Place?
“Last Friday, my wife Elena and I (both 36) were at a fundraising banquet for her job. She works in a non-profit. Her boss had given her two tickets so that I could come along, and we decided to make an evening of it.
Well, the banquet was being held in the ballroom of a hotel. When we arrived, somehow there was a rancid stink hovering around — it smelled like the hotel was having a sewer leak issue. I hoped it would resolve, but it didn’t. We ended up sitting with my wife’s boss ‘Ken’ (40s?
M), her work friend ‘Rosie’, and two other couples we didn’t know.
When the food came, the odor was still really strong. It honestly put me off my dinner, and I saw that others at my table weren’t really eating either. Elena even started coughing, and her boss Ken looked really stressed.
Wanting to lighten the mood, I said ‘somebody fart and make it smell better.’ Rosie and one of the couples laughed, but Ken stood up and left. I didn’t see him for the rest of the night.
Later, Elena got a text from Ken that I ‘had acted crudely, and she should think about the image her guests put out at work events.’ I’m paraphrasing here.
My wife was mortified by the text, even though she didn’t think badly of my joke at the time. Now, she’s blaming me for embarrassing her in front of her work family.
AITJ for making a joke?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You’re free to take a gamble and make crude jokes when it’s your job and professional reputation on the line, not when it’s your wife’s.
Whether Ken is being too uptight (which I think he is) is not relevant. It was a work event for your wife, you need to play it as safe as possible because you never know when you’ll have a Ken sitting at the table. And Ken may now be thinking your wife shouldn’t bring you to any other work events.
Or worse, he might be wondering if your wife is comfortable making crude jokes around donors/sponsors (who may feel like Ken does about said jokes).” joanholmes
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It was a funny joke, the boss should have known it was just to acknowledge the reality that there was a bad smell and make people laugh about it.
Ken’s out of order for implying your wife should be able to (or even want to) control you or that she could have stopped anyone saying something funny about the smell in that scenario.
He’s just embarrassed about the venue his organization chose and is lashing out; Ken needs to control his emotions a bit better.” jjswin
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. First, I totally laughed and would want you at my table. But here’s an analogy that might help you understand why: Say your wife’s boss threw a dinner party at their house, the sprinkler goes off and ruins the dinner, and her boss is super upset.
Instead of sympathizing or trying to make the boss feel better, you crack a joke about needing an umbrella. Funny, but the wrong person and the wrong time —some people respond to stress with humor, but if you don’t know the person, it could seriously backfire (as it did here).
Non-profits spend a lot of money and time on these events because, like it or not, they bring in lots of money. Her boss was probably super stressed and upset that a major event was going very badly, and you used that as a punchline in front of other people instead of the polite thing—glossing over it or providing sympathy.
Again, not a huge jerk thing, but a different perspective.” throwaway456999678
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. I didn’t think it was offensive to me, personally. I can see how it might not be appropriate if this was a super fancy event. It sounds like the boss might be more upset that a fancy event was tainted by the smell of raw sewage.
Personally, I think leaving the table was a bit of an overreaction. You didn’t loudly let one rip, or get too wasted and throw up or something like that. And avoiding talking about is probably more appropriate, but most people didn’t seem to mind at the time.” easthighwildcatfan1
2. AITJ For Telling My Twin To Stop Posting Unflattering Things About Me?
“Lately I’ve (16F) been noticing that my twin (16F) posts a lot about me, but not the positive things, just the negative things. When we take a picture together, we always retake it multiple times until she thinks she looks good, but when I don’t want her to post a picture of me because I’m not looking very good in it, she just ignores me and says I’m overreacting and need to stop caring about what other people think about me.
In her words, I’m ‘just being moody’. It hurts because whenever she doesn’t feel comfortable with me posting a picture of her, I won’t post it, but she literally will not stop.
I’m writing this because I feel like it’s gotten a bit out of hand.
3/4 of her stories are about me, literally berating me for not knowing a math problem. This is strange because I also teach her math… Anyways, I talked to her today about it and told her how I’m not comfortable with what she’s doing but she just screamed at me and pushed me out of her room.
She told me that it’s insignificant and doesn’t matter, that I’m making a big deal out of nothing. So, AITJ for asking my twin sister to stop posting unflattering things about me?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister cares about how she looks in pictures, and I imagine she wouldn’t want negative stories about her online.
It would be nice if your parents would talk to her because she is being a hypocrite… But I’m guessing they may chalk this up to teenage angst.
Perhaps you can stop declining to post pics that your sister doesn’t like and she can see how it feels.
I really don’t like going petty, but there doesn’t seem to be many options to get her attention to address this unfair, bad behavior of hers.” Fit-Maize9211
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You need to tell your parents as soon as possible.
Posting something without someone’s consent is inappropriate.
Continuing to do it while they’re being told not to is choosing to be cruel.
Your sister is brushing off what you’re saying because she doesn’t care what you think. She’s trying to make you look like the problem to convince you to do what she wants.
At this point, it’s more than mean. Your sister is bullying you. She’s choosing to bully you even though you’ve expressed that it hurts you. If her page is mostly criticizing you, she’s posting to criticize you.
You’re both 16. You’re both minors. If your sister is posting about you so frequently, she’s opening up a can of worms. It only takes one weirdo to find out where someone lives, their schedule, and what the inside of their house looks like.” mimi7600
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She doesn’t have the right to invalidate your feelings – it matters to you and your feelings are valid. Since you’ve tried to set boundaries with her and she refuses to respect your wishes, you might have to make moves to reinforce those boundaries.
Stop taking pictures with her and if she continues to post things about you on social media that make you uncomfortable, you might have to block or mute her at least temporarily. You can’t control her behavior, but you can do your best to remove yourself from it to whatever degree that’s possible.” hannahkelli
1. AITJ For Not Financially Supporting My Daughter's Business?
“My wife (41F) and I (43M) have been married for 15 years and have 3 kids (20, 18, & 16). We have some money saved up for all 3 of our kids to continue their educations. This money is not put in specific education accounts, but we have always told our kids that this money is for continuing their education in whatever form they want that to be.
We are encouraging college since neither my wife nor I have college degrees and wish we could have gone that route, but we have also told all our kids if they want to pursue a different educational option, we will help them with that too.
Our oldest is currently finishing up a program at a community college and has an internship which will most likely turn into a job offer immediately after she graduates. She still lives at home and we do not ask for any financial contribution from her as she plans to move out when she gets a job.
Our 18-year-old is in her senior year of high school and although she has applied to and been accepted to 3 colleges, she recently told us that she doesn’t want to go that route. She told us she wants to start her own business doing photography.
She asked if she could use the funds we saved for her education as a jump start to get her business started.
We explained to her that the money we saved has always been for education, not anything else. I told her that we will support her in whatever she wanted to do after high school, but that doesn’t mean we are going to financially support her in that.
I told her that starting a business is hard and many people who know a lot more than she does about business fail. I suggested she go the route of her older sister and find a community college that offers both photography and business classes if she doesn’t want to go to a 4-year school.
She said she doesn’t want to go that route because she would rather get her business started right away and that the money we saved for her would be a huge head start for her to use for marketing and equipment.
I told her she’s free to make any choices she wants, but if she goes that route then we will not financially support her and if she wants to continue living at home, then we might have to discuss her contributing financially to the household as an adult.
I told her this would likely be a token amount to help with housing/food/utilities.
She now thinks that I am being a huge jerk and that I’m ‘playing favorites’ with her older sibling because she is pursuing a path that I approve of.
She said I’m punishing her for wanting to go her own route in life rather than adhering to one that we already laid out for her.
I explained that she knows that money has always been for education, not as a lump sum to be used however she wants.
I told her that we will support whatever decision she wants to pursue, but that doesn’t mean we have to financially support it. My wife is on the same page as me, but thinks maybe we should give her a portion of the funds to get her business started.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Starting your own business at 18 with no real training or even business classes is a recipe for disaster. Perhaps there’s a compromise to be reached here where she needs to work for x number of years with a professional photographer and learn from them.
After that, if she presents you with a solid business model, complete with expenses and it’s well thought out, then maybe you’d consider using your fund for her business, but just giving her that money now, straight out of high school would be a colossal mistake because this money was intended to set her out on a great start in life and this won’t do that.” NorthernLitUp
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Starting a business sounds easy but is not. Ask her about her business plan, which will force her to think about her business and it will tell you whether she’s got a good head for it. Then you could always consider investing in her business.
I think your way of going to college and learning about setting up a business and photography is smarter, but that apparently is not her path yet. Giving her funds for setting up the business is most likely wasting it…” AppeltjeEitje1079
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I like your approach to funding education – the money doesn’t belong to the kids, it belongs to you and your wife, but you are willing to put it towards specific things (education, in this instance).
At the same time, you’re not forcing your kids to follow a specific path.
One thing that you might want to consider – but only if you’re genuinely serious about it – is treating your 18-year-old’s idea in a strictly-business manner. Have her put together a business plan and present it to you.
She needs to be able to come up with an exact amount she will need (and from what sources – you, herself, small business loans? any other contacts?), how she will use that money (a studio? advertising? transportation to/from gigs? equipment? assistants/staff?), and how she’s going to treat this – is it supposed to be a gift with no strings?
a loan? an investment/ownership share of her business?
I’m just guessing here, but I’m guessing she’s pretty good at it and passionate about it but is underestimating what it takes to really run a business. It’s hard – it’s not just showing up and taking photos.
Your advice to attend at least a community college with some business courses is fantastic, but she might not be ready to hear it yet. Maybe make that a condition? Can she part-time her photography as a side business and take classes part-time while living at home?
Again, don’t have her develop a business plan unless you are going to honestly listen to her ideas and would genuinely be willing to contribute if she has her stuff together – it would be awful to do that and pull the rug out after.
Just a thought to consider.” JsCTmav
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