People Hope To Put The Past Behind Them After Telling Their “Am I The Jerk?” Stories

"My fiancé (26M) and I (26F) are going to be having a courthouse wedding in May 2024. When we got engaged in 2020, my parents were told we were waiting until after a global health crisis.

They said they would only attend via video call. When we spoke with my parents again and the topic of the wedding came up, my stepdad told me he would be walking me down the aisle. It was not a request. When I mentioned I wanted my mom to walk me down the aisle, he threw a fit and said he deserves to walk me down the aisle as he is my father. I tried to explain I want my mother to walk me down the aisle because she has been there for me my whole life, but neither of them would listen and he wouldn’t budge. My mother refused to walk me down the aisle “out of respect for my (step)father”.

My relationship with my parents is complicated. They have told me they refuse to travel anymore as they are too old (mom 60s, SF 70s) they’ve come to my state twice since to visit a family friend and her children for two weeks, I only saw them for a day during those trips.

In fact, they called to let me know they will be in town to visit said friend in May for Mother’s Day and spend it with her.

When I mentioned my wedding was that week my stepfather said that it’s wonderful it falls during the time of their trip so they didn’t have to schedule another one.

They will be leaving the day after my wedding and I won’t see them until the day of. We haven’t discussed the topic of my being walked down the aisle again, I know this conversation is coming. I am not the closest to my parents due to some… personality differences. While I love both of them, my stepfather is a bully who does not know when to stop with his “jokes”. My mother simply enabled him and to this day still excuses his behavior as “this is just how he is”.

I do not want him to walk me down the aisle.

He walked his biological daughter down the aisle at her wedding. I want my mom to walk me down the aisle; she deserves it more than he does and if she won’t then I would rather do it by myself or have my fiancé do it. But I already know that my decision to walk the aisle by myself is going to cause another tantrum and I would be called a jerk again by them for not having my stepfather do it. My fiancé says I wouldn’t be the jerk, and that my mom deserves the honor but he would be glad to walk me if she won’t. Logically, I know he’s right but I can’t help but feel like I would be a jerk at this point.

So, would I be the jerk if I walked down the aisle by myself instead of having my stepfather do it? How do I broach this conversation?"

Another User Comments:

"NTJ. Your wedding, your decision. Your stepfather wants to put on a show rather than follow your wishes on your day. He isn't entitled to make this decision unilaterally. Besides, the tradition is a bit antiquated as he isn't "giving" you away.

You're making an adult choice. I like you walking down the aisle by yourself or you and your fiance walking in together to get married as the 2 adults you are." Ducky818

Another User Comments:

"NTJ. Do yourself a favor-- don't have a conversation with them about this.

Write down your feelings and send it to them so there is no discussion. You don't need to have a conversation about it where your stepfather tries to bully you again into acquiescing. There's no need to speak to them about it. Spell it out. "Dear Mom and Bully (or whatever his name is), I'm sorry you don't want to respect my wishes as to my wedding and who will be walking me down the aisle. It is not a slight to you, Bully, as you know I love you, but you've already walked a daughter down the aisle, and I want Mom to experience this as she has been there for me for my whole life. I understand you both do not agree, but it is what I want, and it's my wedding, so it's my decision. Mom, if you choose to ignore my request, then I will make other arrangements. Bully is not an option whether you choose to respect my wishes or not. I'm sorry if you feel this is wrong, but it would be wrong for me to allow anyone else to dictate how my own wedding will happen. I hope you can both understand. Your loving daughter, OP." Send a letter like this, and don't look back. Do not entertain discussions on the topic unless it's for your mom to agree to walk you down the aisle. And not to scare you, but have a trusted friend ready to block Bully from trying to walk you down the aisle against your wishes. Preferably someone large and intimidating." inFinEgan