People Tell Their Perplexing "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
19. AITJ For Telling My Sister She's A Misogynist And That She Needs To Find A New Job?
“My (26 F) sister (29F) and I got into a huge argument the other day and I really need some perspective.
My sister has been working as a labor and delivery (L&D) nurse for a few years now. She has always wanted to be a nurse and has even said that it was her calling. Lately, she has been making horrible remarks about the mothers that come to her.
Now, I understand that every job is going to have its problems and sometimes you need to vent about rude people, management, pay, etc. However, this was not like that.
For example, she talked about one of her patients, which she referred to as the ‘white whale’.
My sister said that the ‘white whale’ went into labor and brought her husband with her. She talked about how ‘hot’ her husband was and how she could not understand how a ‘whale’ was able to pull someone like him. She laughed when recalling the sounds she made when pushing out her child, and said that ‘she didn’t look like the type of woman to be strong enough to go the natural route.’
In the past, she has talked about how another mom-to-be defecated on the table, and she remarked that she wouldn’t be surprised if her husband divorced her after seeing something ‘so nasty’.
Other stories included a teenage patient. Here, my sister claimed that she gave her ‘some sound advice’ and I am honestly scared to know what she had said to this young girl.
With this girl, my sister laughed about how she gave her a ‘nurse dose’ of pain meds to get her to shut up and refused to give her a blanket, since ‘if she wants to act like an adult, then she deserves to be treated like one.’
The fight between her and I happened a few days ago, due to her talking about a mother who delivered a premature baby. She admitted that she told this mother that she should have ‘done a better job’ if she didn’t want to have a baby born at 29 weeks.
I blew up at my sister and asked her how she could be so heartless. My sister told me that she should have the right to vent about ‘stupid mothers’ who don’t know how to do the thing their body is designed for. She also said that I don’t work in healthcare, so I have no right to remark on how she handles stress at work.
I told her that if her way of handling stress is to be a misogynist, then she needs to find a different career. I left afterward.
My other family members have been divided on this issue. My husband is on my side. My mom and brother think that I was in the right to call my sister out, while my aunt, uncle, and dad are leaning towards my sister, saying that my sister shouldn’t have to kiss up her patients in order to do her job efficiently.
I feel bad for some of the things I said and I know that she needs to let off steam, but saying horrible things about women in their most vulnerable times isn’t cutting it for me.
In addition, my family does not know this yet, but I am pregnant.
And hearing about how my sister, a nurse, is treating pregnant women just makes me scared for labor and delivery. So, AITJ?
EDIT: I am about 11 weeks along right now so I do plan on telling our families in a week or so.
With the issue regarding my sister, I called the hospital where my sister works and essentially explained what my sister has said about her patients to me.
I went into detail about what I could remember and just reported it. They thanked me for letting them know, but I don’t know what further action they would take. My sister is taking the night shift tonight, and she has yet to call me screaming, so we will see what occurs in the next few days.
UPDATE: This morning, my sister came over to where I and my husband live and started banging at our door. My husband opened the door and my sister barged her way in screaming. I came into the living room where she was and she started screaming at me more.
My husband had to stand in front of me because he was worried that she was going to lunge at me. My sister was yelling about how she lost her job because of some ‘nonsense reports’ and that she KNOWS that it was me talking trash about her because I just ‘couldn’t stay out of her business’.
I replied that it was my business if she was bullying a pregnant woman and then bragging about it. My sister told me to get lost and she said, once again, that she could talk about anyone anyway she likes, as long as she gets her job done because that’s what she went to school for, and that I don’t know anything.
I reminded my sister that I actually might know something, since… oh, I don’t know, a certain teenager’s family had something to say about her behavior as well. My sister proceeded to go on a rant about that ‘witch and her family’ and how she was supposedly annoying her by… giving birth?
I had trouble processing what she said because it was honestly mind-boggling.
And here’s where things got really trashy. I thought that my sister saying horrible things about her patients who hadn’t done anything wrong was mean. I thought that the nicknames were cruel. I thought that her telling laboring mothers that they weren’t doing things right and the shaming was vile, and yes, misogynistic.
However, it was about to get atrocious.
During my sister’s rant, she said that she wanted to teach the ‘brat’ a lesson, and said that maybe if she gave birth when she was older, her kid wouldn’t have died.
My mouth dropped open. I didn’t know this before.
That poor girl. Her baby DIED. I was horrified.
I fell to the floor sobbing. Imagining that child in so much pain, and my pregnancy hormones combined got to me and I was on the floor having a panic attack. I told my sister to get out of my home and my husband escorted her out.
My husband held me for a good 15 minutes until I calmed down.
So yeah, I am recovering from all that now, I don’t plan on talking to my sister for a while. I do plan on announcing the pregnancy soon, but I am putting it off until later.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your sister isn’t just a misogynist, she is also overstepping boundaries, a bully, and abusive. On top of that, she is unprofessional and doesn’t seem to be the sharpest tool. Women defecate while giving birth. That’s something that just happens and trained midwives will discreetly wipe it away without anyone noticing.
Also, passing judgment on her patients is not part of her job description. She’s a massive jerk.
Congratulations on your pregnancy. Your sister’s behavior is not normal. Should anyone treat you like that, report them immediately.” AffectionateHand2206
Another User Comments:
“Okay, I DO work in healthcare, and your sister should be ASHAMED of herself.
As nurses, we are there to HELP our patients! A true therapeutic relationship means caring for your patient to the best of your ability, no matter who that patient is, teaching them in a way they’ll understand and be open to, and being their advocate.
There can be no therapeutic relationship when we go in judging a patient. That is not our job! PERIOD. I have taken care of racists and convicted murderers in my ICU and I hate everything about what they’ve done and how they think and MY JOB is to still care for them like they were my parent or my child, and that’s what I did.
Did I want a full-body bleach shower after every single interaction? You bet your butt I did, but it’s not my place to communicate that to the patient.
Patients should never fear the judgment of their healthcare providers. How will they trust us to tell us what’s really going on if we’re too busy mocking or judging them to listen?
How can they be sure we’ll give them real beneficial advice when they have to worry that they’ll become the new punchline in the break room? Much less talking about them outside of work!
How could that teenage mother trust her to tell her if she’s having a problem during her labor?
Or to ask about birth control? Your sister is so proud of being horrible to her and refusing to get her a darn blanket of all things that you just know she wouldn’t stop to listen, or would just tell her that her problems were her own fault.
Okay, I’m just ranting now, but this kind of crap just ticks me off. Yeah, nurses have to blow off steam, we have to vent our frustrations, but she has a lot to learn about how and when to do that.
Your sister should not be a nurse.
NTJ! I’m glad you’re standing up for her patients because she sure as heck isn’t. And now I’m gonna go yell into a pillow in the break room until my blood pressure comes back down.” iopele
18. AITJ For Teaching My Half-Brother How To Shave?
“I (24f) was primarily in the custody of my dad when I was a child. Despite that, I still have a great relationship with my half-siblings (I only say half here to make the relation clear, my sibling are siblings despite labels like half or step).
My brother (17m) and I are really close. He comes to me with problems, secrets, and advice. For a while now he’s had a mess of facial hair. He’s never shaved it since his dad has never bothered to teach him. The one time he tried he cut himself badly and hasn’t tried since.
Yesterday he was at my place, he talked to me about how he’s going to hang out with a boy he likes the next day but is self-conscious about his messy facial hair. I thought since my stepdad isn’t bothering to teach him I will.
I shave my body and have helped exes shave their face so I know what I’m doing. LOL.
I taught him how to trim it then shape it for when he wants to keep it then taught him how to shave it by helping him shave it all off.
He was grateful and it helped him get over the nerves about cutting himself.
When he went home he was pretty excited about it and showed Mum how he shaved his face and how I helped him. Mum and especially stepdad are now extremely mad because I took that bonding moment away from him.
I call nonsense since he’s had facial hair since 13 and his dad still hasn’t bothered to teach him. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, some people get mad when they get called out. I’ve learned to not respond to this kinda ‘but I was going to do it (at some undefined time in the future) and it’s now your fault I can’t prove I’m not a loser and do the thing I’m supposed to do but haven’t because reasons’.
It’s nonsense. Other people’s lives should never be put on hold because some jerk is going to get ‘it’ done someday. You proved your brother can come to you with issues and you will help him out. His parents have proven they will ignore issues and then blame the ‘good guy’ because they feel bad and think they look bad.
Think about this: they could have simply said thank you, we weren’t sure how to approach (brother) about his facial hair, he looks great! Kisses all around, bonding moment, everyone moves on happier. They couldn’t respond this way, they are jerks. I’m sure that’s not a surprise to you.” newtonianlaws
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You obviously have a special relationship with your brother and care about his well-being. Your stepdad just cares about looking bad. If it was actually important to him, he would have found the time over the last 3 or 4 years to have that special bonding moment he claims you stole from him.” CornflakeGirl99
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, always a standard of lazy parents. Can’t be bothered to do something, but when someone else does it, they took their opportunity.
It’s a joke, he feels bad? Good. He should feel bad. The fact that his son needed to turn to his sister to teach him how to shave says volumes about him as a father.
Not to say that you were not a good teacher, but it just says a lot about his dad not being bothered.” Geo_1997
You did nothing wrong. Your mom & step dad are jerks for being mad that they dropped the ball and you ended up being the one to teach your almost grown brother how to shave.
17. AITJ For Taking The Cat?
“There is this stray cat in front of my work, and I have been feeding him for almost 3 weeks now. He is always hungry (judging by the way he hurriedly wolfs down all the food), and he is very affectionate with me and my colleagues.
I have asked the shops around and they all said that he’s a stray, and he always asks for food from them as well. I decided to post about him online and managed to find someone who is willing to adopt him.
On the day that I was supposed to bring the cat to the new owner, the security guard at my place made a scene and yelled at me about how he wanted to keep the cat there to chase away the mice.
I asked if he ever feeds the cat and he said it was none of my business (although judging by how hungry he is every time I feed him I can tell the security guard never feeds the cat, and I never see him feeding the cat ever).
He was adamant about not letting me take the cat.
When I left work at the end of the day, the cat followed me to where I parked my motorbike, which happened to be away from the security’s sight. I took the chance and put the cat in the carrier, and drove him to his new owner.
My colleagues who left after me said that the security guard was not happy, and he kept using bad words to talk about how I took the cat away, claiming that even though he doesn’t own the cat, I have no right to take him away.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – the cat wasn’t coping with life on the streets (always hungry), had the option of a good home (secure food, security, vetting) and the security guard wanted the cat to continue to be unsafe for his benefit.
You did everything right apart from maybe using a paper collar on him. You checked the area, you asked people about potential owners and then when none were found, you gave him a soft landing. If the security guard brings it up with you, ask him how he’d like to be homeless and hungry and see people walk on by because he deters thieves by his presence.” Timely_Egg_6827
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It’s not his cat.
He doesn’t take care of the cat.
And if that’s not enough: not all cats are good mousers. It’s a skill. If the cat is constantly hungry and seems more like he’s used to being a pet (which he shows by being super affectionate), he may be starving.
Out of my three cats, one is a mouser. He knows what to do when he catches a mouse, which he is very good at. The others can’t catch mice well, and when they do, they just play with the mice until the mice escape.
They try, but they don’t have that killer bite the big fella has. They would definitely starve fast if they didn’t have humans.” lyan-cat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: The cat probably was never authorized to be there in the first place, much employed as a mouser by security.
Security management probably doesn’t want to encourage strays either. I doubt management at your work cares about one less stray cat, nor approved of it being a remedy for the rodent problem.
Someone needs to report the rodent problem to maintenance or whoever is responsible for calling pest control.” LeadGem354
16. AITJ For Kicking A Kid Out Of My Nintendo Switch Account?
“A couple of months ago my Mum bought a Nintendo Switch to play at her place. To be nice I logged my account into her switch so she can play the games I have purchased. I buy all of my games online because I don’t have room to keep physical copies of games, this means she has a huge selection of games to choose from.
Tonight, my partner (26F) and I (25M) are sitting at home playing Mario Kart 8 on my Nintendo Switch. My existing Joycons had really bad thumbstick drift so I decided to buy a new pair this morning. All we’ve been wanting to do since we got home is jump on and play with my new controllers.
We have been playing for a while when all of a sudden an error message comes up on my screen reading ‘Someone else is playing on your Switch online account so you cannot access this content. Please contact Nintendo support if this is not you.’ Naturally, I thought to myself, oh my mum must be trying to play on her switch, I’ll just text her to hop off since my partner and I have been looking forward to playing all night.
Then she sent me a text saying that she and her friend are having a few drinks and her friend’s 6-year-old child wanted to play. I said to her that my partner and I have been looking forward to playing with my switch all day so if she could hop off while we were playing.
She then immediately started an argument, making me feel bad for kicking the kid off of the switch. They wanted to distract him while they had their fun drinking. I explained to my mum that there were plenty of other ways to distract the child like putting on a movie.
My partner and I really wanted to play and the child kept kicking us off the switch account.
I then jumped into my account and logged my account off their switch so that I could play my games in peace. Since I logged them out, there was nothing they could play as to log back into my switch they would have to have my phone for 2-factor identification.
This started world war 3, with my mum’s neighbor even getting involved by sending a message asking me to hop off so that her kid could be distracted while they have their fun. Am I a jerk for kicking the kid off my switch account that I paid for so my partner and I could play?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – obviously the owner of the library should be able to play whenever they want. Even if you’re unfamiliar with this kind of ‘gaming etiquette’. I think it’s pretty much common sense that you do not loan forward things that someone loaned to you.
You shared the games you own with your mom and while she is free to loan her device, she is not free to give access to your library.
They can put on a movie while downloading some kid-friendly games on her account. It’s not a big deal and it’s incredibly weird they are making it into one.” SovereignNavae
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You are under no obligation to cede your Switch account to a random six-year-old because his mom wants to get sloshed with your mom and the kid needs something to do. Perhaps the getting sloshed part of it explains the mom’s message, which no rational, sober person would write.
A few drinks indeed.” Nester1953
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your mother (and the neighbor, wow!) is being selfish and childish. It isn’t her account, she was gifted access to something generously by you and then, she took advantage of that privilege while having the audacity to make you seem like the bad person.
Just because kids like playing games, does not mean the child is entitled to play over the person who pays for the account and games. Terrible behavior, you did nothing wrong.” FederalFloor3213
15. AITJ For Not Giving A Free Pizza?
“So, my parents (55M), (53F) own a pizzeria in the town we live in.
We grew up poor, and that was basically our only source of income.
Recently, I became old enough and started helping out at the cash register. Everything was going smoothly until a customer came and asked me if I was a new worker. I smiled and nodded, and I got to making his order.
Once I was finished, he claimed he had forgotten his wallet and said he would go back home and get it. Of course, I was skeptical and after a bit of thinking, I politely declined to give it to him, since I thought he might’ve been stealing.
He insisted he would take it and then started claiming he was my father’s friend, which I didn’t believe. (It was just me and my sister there at the time, her cooking and me at the register.)
He rolled his eyes and eventually left the place, saying he would never come back again.
When I got home, I told my father about it and what the man looked like, and he immediately started screaming and saying that the man was indeed a regular and also my dad’s friend, and he kept screaming at my face saying I had lost a precious customer.
I now feel guilty and that I should’ve trusted the man and given him the pizza for free. My father still isn’t talking to me, and my mother took his side.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but everyone else is. Your father for not telling you about favored customers and for screaming in your face (he’s not a good employer if he screams at staff); your mother for backing him up; and the favored customer who was rude to an employee just doing their job and who didn’t know him from Adam.
He’ll be back, by the way, he’s all bluster. Don’t grovel too much, he’s a jerk.
Maybe get a bit of experience there and then get a job where you’ll be respected. Working with family is often exhausting and unfair.” Holiday_Cat_7284
Another User Comments:
“Yikes. Dad and his friend both sound like jerks in this situation—the friend for being rude to you because HE forgot his wallet AND didn’t extend you any grace knowing you’re new. Your dad for being mad at you for protecting the family business from a potential pizza vulture.
If you’re able to, I’d consider looking for a new job. Your dad’s behavior is inappropriate/upsetting as a boss and as a father. Has this sort of thing happened to your sister before? Maybe at least you can commiserate.
NTJ.” radioheadbish
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You don’t have built-in dad-friend radar, your spider senses don’t tingle every time somebody who is a purported FOD walks in the door. You thought he was trying to get something for nothing, and you put the whammy on it.
It wouldn’t matter if your bank account was non-existent or deep as the ocean, I mean who goes to the store to buy something without money and expects to leave with it? ‘Excuse me, sir, I’d like to buy this Cadillac, but I left my wallet at home, if you don’t mind handing me the keys, I’ll just go and grab it…’ ‘No really you can trust me, I’m your great uncle Bob’s second cousin’s wife, we’re technically related or something…'” Nervous-Ad292
14. AITJ For Telling My Jealous Mom Off?
“My brother and his wife just welcomed their first child into this world. Should be something to celebrate, right? Well, it’s giving me a headache!
My mother’s nose is right out of joint because my SIL’s mother was there at the birth, and was there for the first two weeks of the baby’s life helping the new parents settle in.
Both my brother and SIL decided on no visitors for the first month as they wanted to bond as a family, with the exception of my SIL’s mom cause my SIL wanted her there at a vulnerable time in her life, which I think is fair.
My mother feels that my brother’s and SIL’s wishes shouldn’t include her and she has the right to meet the baby first and spend just as much time with the baby as my SIL’s mother. It’s pretty much a lot of spite and jealousy on my mom’s part, and the more she ‘has to wait’ the nastier and more bitter my mom is becoming.
She gets sent photos and updates daily from my brother, but with every update and photo, my mom criticizes everything from how the parents dress the baby, to how she thinks they should be treating the baby.
It’s all doing my head in and I just lost it pretty much telling her I’m over her jealousy and if she ever wants a relationship with baby, she needs to respect my brother and his wife’s wishes and boundaries.
She needs to get over herself, pull her head in and get it through her head that it’s my brother and SIL who have the final say, not her, and the more entitled she becomes, the more she’s gonna ruin any chance of meeting their baby or be allowed to have anything to do with the baby growing up.
So now I have her and my father and other family calling me a jerk among other names, but mom constantly complaining to me several times a day, every day for the past 2 and a half weeks, it got to me. Maybe I was too harsh.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I can’t blame OP’s brother for not wanting his mom there, she doesn’t seem to have anything nice to say anyways. People keep commenting that it’s unfair that MIL gets to be there but not OP’s mom, but y’all understand that is fundamentally different, right?
SIL just gave birth, that’s a difficult and traumatic experience, she should be allowed to have whoever she wants surrounding her during this time for support. OP’s mom sounds too petty and judgmental to actually offer support, they don’t want her there in the first place and that’s all that matters here.” Crimson_Queen_Ri
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, might be worth reminding your mam that until your brother has a real emergency she’s not needed at the house. I know how you feel having a parent like that, and entitled is definitely a word to describe it.
I can understand the frustration of wanting to see the baby when it’s newborn and all, but she’s at risk of not seeing them at all if she lets that anger continue to build.
On the other hand, she could just be using you to get out her frustration so she doesn’t say anything to your brother. Even then, it’s not fair on you.” More-Pizza-1916
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Their baby, their rules. Lots of people limit exposure to visitors during the first few months, which is a sensible precaution as newborns are more vulnerable to diseases.
It’s also understandable that the bubble includes the maternal grandmother. It’s a nerve-wracking time for a woman, with all the post-partum stuff going on, and of course, she wants her mother’s support.
Someone needed to set the paternal granny straight, and you rose up and got it done.
You will make a fabulous auntie/uncle.” LaVidaMocha_NZ
13. WIBTJ If I Tell My Sister And Her Husband About What Happened At Their Wedding?
“My sister got married last night, it was great but there was an issue with me and a cousin of the groom. The wedding was about a 3-hour drive from our house, and the venue is also a resort, so we got one of the rooms that were booked as part of the wedding group.
The place also has complimentary EV chargers, so I didn’t stop to charge along the way. When we got there, one of the chargers was in use and the other had a regular car parked in the spot, blocking it.
This was the corner of the lot, and there was like a utility shed off to the side of that spot, with the golf course behind the parking lot.
I was able to back up the car and get the charger to reach, without disrupting anyone else. Also as I’m sure people will ask, the spots on the other side of the plugged-in car were occupied so that wasn’t an option.
My now brother-in-law comes up to me later after the cake was served and asked if I blocked a car to plug in, and said his cousin was freaking out and that I need to move.
No problem got up right away and went.
But then I get out there and this guy is flipping out, who do you think you are, you don’t know whose car this might be you’re blocking, what if I needed to get back to my kid, etc.
I was like hey man, we’re family now, so I’m just gonna move the car and you go ahead and calm down. And then he goes NO, I’m sick of you people thinking it’s okay to do this.
At that point I go woah woah woah, listen, buddy, I saw the lot was pretty full when we got here which is why I didn’t give YOU trouble for parking here, but now I’m getting the feeling this has happened before, so what is your problem with blocking chargers.
I gave you the benefit of the doubt but honestly, I’m sure you could’ve parked somewhere else.
At this point car is unplugged and I’m getting in it, and he’s like yeah I’m not walking further so you can plug your toy in.
At that point I told him if I see your car again anywhere I’m gonna block it just because, giving him a little grin before moving to the other side of the parking lot. He was yelling as I drove off still, and now I’m wondering if I’d be the jerk for telling them what happened with him.”
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ if you tried to stir up drama at someone’s wedding when it doesn’t concern them in the slightest. This is between you and another person… why are you even considering trying to expand the argument to more people?
That being said, there’s a really weird, and likely diagnosable, animosity that some people have towards electric vehicles.
I don’t know where this sociopathic behavior comes from, but you’re not going to change any minds by trying to have rational discussions with them.
Unless you’re parking your EV in front of gas pumps for hours on end, the anger is completely unjustifiable.” Nathan_Poe
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ if you told them, so don’t.
Not tomorrow; not next week; not at any time until the right time, which is the next time you have to interact with him.
Only then do you slip that out of your pocket casually like, ‘Oh, Cousin Lazy Legs is coming?
If you don’t mind, I’d like to avoid him; the last time I saw him was at your wedding, and he was aggressive and completely out of line about the stupid cars, and I’m not gonna put up with that again.’
And then you come off looking cool as a cucumber and he gets to be the crazy one causing drama.” yildizli_gece
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ if you told them now while they’re trying to enjoy their honeymoon. To me, this whole incident with the cousin doesn’t seem like a huge deal. The cousin was obviously a jerk, but it seems like one of those altercations that happens with strangers from time to time that is upsetting at the moment, but you forget about it and move on a couple of days later.
Most likely, the OP will never see this guy again. I can see maybe bringing it up to the sister a month or so down the road in a casual way, but the thought that OP feels she needs to call her sister to tell her during her honeymoon just makes it seem like OP likes to gossip and drama.
Just move on.” Smart-Net-5670
12. AITJ For Not Defending My Sister After My Husband Made A Dig At Her?
“My husband used to get along with my family until my sister falsely accused him of being unfaithful to me.
He understandably doesn’t like her anymore but he’s usually civil toward her.
My sister recently announced her engagement and while everybody congratulated her my husband turned to her fiancé and said ‘Good luck, you’ll need it marrying her’. I was shocked he would say something like that, especially in front of my parents, but I never said anything as I didn’t want to fight with him in front of everybody.
My sister kept giving me a look like she expected me to say something and when I didn’t she yelled at him herself.
I made us leave because I could see us being there wasn’t helping the situation. My sister has been texting me about what happened, mostly to take digs at my husband.
She gets angry every time I ask her to stop and thinks I’m siding with him when he was in the wrong. Things have gotten worse since I told her I wouldn’t be going wedding dress shopping with her as she’s blaming my husband for that too.
She sent him some messages directly and he fanned the flames by saying he wouldn’t let me go and she would be lucky if we even attended the wedding.
I’ve spoken to my husband and asked him to stop making things worse. He has agreed to stop responding to her but she wants me to make him apologize and agree to visit when she wants to go wedding dress shopping to prove I’m not siding with him which I can’t do.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“There are two situations here:
First, the sister accused your husband of being unfaithful to you in a malicious or very public way that created a lot of burned bridges, in which case you should probably be defending your husband here, or at least keeping him away from events with somebody he justifiably hates.
Second, the sister accused your husband of having an affair privately out of genuine concern or due to a misunderstanding, in which case his being frosty is reasonable but he absolutely shouldn’t be making a public scene about it if he’s still agreeing to actually meet up with or hang out with your sister.
Either way, multiple people involved are behaving badly, yourself in all situations, so this is a clear ‘everyone sucks here’. You also cannot play peacekeeper without telling your sister, clearly, ‘My husband will never want anything to do with you due to the infidelity accusation, and that is not a problem you can solve.'” Milskidasith
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You for being a pushover and not stepping in to handle two adult-sized children. Your sister for not apologizing for making a false accusation (presumably). Your husband for being petty and not knowing how to let things go. But knowing how exactly she accused him would determine how justified your husband’s behavior is.” izzathaway
Another User Comments:
“If you want to mess around with other people’s relationships… Then don’t be surprised when they mess around with yours. Your sister is the complete jerk here.
If I ever suspected my brother-in-law was having an affair, the only thing I might possibly consider is to have a quiet word with her and gently express my concerns.
I would never ever blatantly accuse anyone of having an affair unless I was sharing a bed with them… Why? Because it’s none of my business.
Your sister reaped what she sowed and is now butt hurt because someone repaid the favor. It sounds like she deserved it.
On the other hand, your husband has stooped to her level and does deserve some flack for doing so, but perhaps your sister might think twice before trying to involve herself in your relationship.
Although you are stuck in the middle OP, you clearly failed to make your sister apologize for her completely overstepping boundaries.
Now your husband is in the same place why should he apologize?
Everyone sucks here.” martini_guzzler
11. AITJ For Wearing A Mohawk In Public?
“Recently I (21m) started styling my hair in a mohawk, it’s about 3 inches tall and I’m a relatively short person so it has never been an issue in public.
My partner of 1.5 years (22f) asked me not to put my mohawk up when I go out with her, she said she didn’t mind it at the grocery store, but didn’t like it when we were out at dinner.
When I first started styling the mohawk I asked for her opinion, what she thought of it – and she said she thought it looked kinda stupid. I also asked what she thought about me wearing it to class (as long as I sit in the back) and she said it was too much.
I told her I felt like she was embarrassed by me and didn’t want me to express myself. I’ve always been somewhat extreme in my appearance, I used to dye my hair, and wear eyeliner, I’ve been emo and punk and grunge, etc. I love my mohawk and it makes me happy.
She only wants me to wear it at home or shopping, but I like to do it all the time whether it’s for class or dinner. I understand that it’s an intense haircut, but I would never tell her what to do with her hair or appearance.
So AITJ for wanting to wear my mohawk constantly?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
If you didn’t want her honest opinion, then you shouldn’t have asked her for it.
‘I understand that it’s an intense haircut, but I would never tell her what to do with her hair or appearance.’
Okay, but she didn’t share her opinion unsolicited. You said that when you started wearing it this way you asked her more than once what she thought of it. So she told you the truth. That you didn’t like what she had to say is a you-problem.
And yes, she probably shouldn’t have asked you not to wear it on certain occasions, but again… you had already opened the door by asking her repeatedly if she thought it was okay to wear in this situation or that, so it wasn’t exactly outrageous for her to believe at that point that you WANTED her input since you’d already asked for it repeatedly.
She may have thought that you were looking to understand where it was or wasn’t appropriate, since… well, that seems to be the impression you gave by asking about class vs other places.
So really, there are no jerks here. You are allowed to wear your hair however you want, but she’s not a jerk for sharing an opinion that you asked for, or for not having the opinion that you wanted her to have.
And if you resent her for it, then you ARE the jerk. She doesn’t have to like things just because you want her to.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
You deserve to wear whatever you want and feel great about it! It’s honestly quite attractive when guys are super into their fashion or have their own personal style.
However, you know how she feels about it. She doesn’t like it. You can’t keep asking her the same question in different ways and expect the answer to change.
DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS IF YOU ARE NOT PREPARED TO HEAR TRUTHFUL ANSWERS.
Personally, I wouldn’t want to go out with someone who hates my style so much, but y’all can certainly make it work if you want to.” Kubuubud
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I’ll say exactly what I say when some chick has an issue with her man losing attraction because she got a pixie cut.
It’s your hair. You can do whatever you want with it. Your call. However, if she finds it highly unattractive, it is what it is.
People like to get up on soapboxes and pretend otherwise, but attraction is a huge part of relationships. It’s also something where it’s either there or not. You can’t force it.
So yeah it’s your hair and you can do what you want.
But your partner is losing attraction for you and you’ll lose her—and there is nothing dirty about that. Is what it is. I’m sure some people will clutch their pearls about ditching a relationship over an appearance is not a good relationship—which is nonsense.
Appearance is a huge factor in whether you will agree to enter a relationship or not with someone. So it doesn’t work to get all annoyed that someone might radically change it to something where you’d not have given them the time of day if you just met, but you’re foreclosed from changing your view of the relationship on your end.
She’s giving fair warning, so your call on what you want to do with it.” QuesoDelDiablos
10. AITJ For Insulting My Sister At A Wedding?
“I (17F) have two sisters, Jen (23F) and Ann (25F). On Monday, it was Jen’s wedding with her high school sweetheart Tom (22M), and a bit of drama went down which caused me to stay at my grandparents.
A bit of backstory: Tom used to have a crush on Ann in high school, but Ann rejected him.
Jen started tutoring Tom a year later and they soon fell in love. My parents have always said that Tom settled for Jen, which deeply upsets Jen, but Tom always denies it and reassures Jen. Tom had recently proposed to Jen and the whole family was there.
My parents made a comment again, saying how Jen was lucky Tom decided to settle for her. Ann laughed it off and agreed. Jen said nothing. I was a bridesmaid and Ann was not, which started another fight within the family for obvious reasons. This brings us to Monday.
The wedding went smoothly and we all had a great time until the reception. The parents of the bride and groom were to give a speech about the couple. Tom’s dad gave a very funny speech about Tom and his first ‘significant other’ (who was his teddy bear lovey) and how they are happy he fell for such a great woman like Jen, which brings us to my dad.
My dad didn’t say much and, of course, brought up how Jen was always the ‘ugly duckling’ and Ann was always the ‘swan princess’.
After the speeches, I walked in on Jen bawling her eyes out in the bathroom with Tom’s mom and her bridesmaids.
Here is where I might be the jerk. A few minutes later, I picked up the microphone and I decided to make some jokes with my family and Tom’s family. I took this as an opportunity to insult Ann’s dress (for anyone wondering it was red), her mistreatment of me and Jen, and how she’ll always be a bridesmaid and never the bride.
At the time, nobody had a problem with this and found my jokes funny, but Ann was extremely mad. This cheered Jen up and I felt happy.
After the wedding, Jen permanently cut my parents off and when we went home, my parents packed my things for me and kicked me out.
They told me they didn’t want to see me anymore. Ann has taken to social media to mock me and my appearance and say she’s happy I’m out of her life. My friends say I’m a jerk for doing that publicly, so AITJ?
I don’t think I am, but I’d like other people’s opinions.
EDIT: Ann has flirted with every guy Jen has gone out with, makes rude comments towards us about our looks, and most importantly of all makes that comment about how Tom asked her out first. Tom was like 16 at the time and he just randomly approached her at the lockers saying ‘Wanna go out sometime?’ It wasn’t this big thing like she claims it was.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Ann is clearly the Golden Child. Your parents quite frankly sound terrible. Cut them out of your life and focus on the family that clearly loves you. Jen, Tom, and your grandparents. Your friends are wrong. You stood up for yourself and Jen after your father and sister repeatedly publicly humiliated you and Jen.
I think you are better off out of that toxic environment. Also, I may be wrong but I think there’s a legal issue where they abandoned a minor.” atx2004
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – your parents set the tone here.
You were a bit harsh to Ann – it’s not really her fault that your parents favored her, even if she never did anything to correct them – but it took some guts to do what you did and you had Jen’s back which she really, really needed at the time.
Everyone at that wedding now knows that your parents are cruel and tbh since they raised you it’s not at all surprising that you can be harsh when you want to be – you’ve learned that from their (terrible) example.
Your parents are the real jerks here, from start to finish.” redcore4
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but it could almost have been an ‘everyone sucks here’ except for the bride and groom. It’s pretty obvious how your parents raised Ann and Ann should have stuck up for your sister during your parents’ mental abuse. She was too busy basking in the light of your parents’ praise to notice that she was wrong for allowing it to happen.
But, she isn’t the one who kept bringing the differences up.
I do feel rather than ‘joking’ about your sister at her expense (since it really wasn’t her that was causing it), the jokes should have been catered towards your parents instead. They should be ashamed of themselves and good on Jen for cutting them off.” Kirin2013
9. AITJ For Body-Shaming My Sister-In-Law?
“My husband has 3 brothers and one older sister. Being the only girl from a rich family, she was very spoiled and always gets her way. Both 4 brothers are married and we, wives, pretty much get along, except that our SIL (Denise) is hard to deal with.
It is a very close family and we work together since it is a family business. Denise has always commented on the older bro’s wife (Anne)’s weight.
A few months ago Anne had gastric bypass surgery so she’s been losing weight. Denise has been bitter about all the compliments and attention that Anne is getting.
We had a ladies night out and met Anne’s old classmate who was absolutely stunned by how much Anne changed.
She complimented her and asked what she did. She said that it was diet and exercise. Denise called her out that ‘she was lying, she had gone under the knife and had her stomach removed’.
Anne was extremely embarrassed and wanted to go home right away.
Keep in mind that she traveled abroad to get it done since where I come from it is a taboo topic. The classmate spread the word. Anne’s teenage kid asked if she’s had surgery since a classmate spread the rumor at school.
Anne had a huge argument with Denise. Denise didn’t want to apologize she instead said that it wasn’t her fault that Anne was pigging out on everything to the point she needed surgery. I’ve never had an argument with Denise before. But this time around, I lost it and told her that her top-heavy body won’t let me wear whatever I want, yet she is shaming Anne.
She’s been crying, and my husband and parents-in-law want me to apologize.
A little backstory. Denise hates her body shape. I usually respect her requests and she’s 15 years older. She’s asked me not to wear a similar outfit if we’re going to the same place because ‘it made hers look bad’.
She lets me know ahead what not to wear. I never cared, until we both went to my niece’s wedding a week ago and I couldn’t wear a dress I picked with my older sister. I compromised since she refused to go and started to yell at my husband who asked her to stop harassing me.
My sister wondered why I wore something else. I explained and she was very upset and thought it was abusive and told SIL off.
Listening to her shaming Anne, while I was still upset about the wedding made me very upset, and found myself shaming her in return.
Which was wrong.
My husband proposed that Denise apologize to Anne, then I apologize to Denise. Which seems fair, but Denise refuses. So, my husband changed sides stating that she shouldn’t dish it if she can’t take it.
So should I apologize for being the jerk or stand my ground?”
Another User Comments:
“Honestly I might have to go with NTJ. Anne isn’t the jerk either.
Sure, it’s never right to body shame others and two wrongs don’t make a right and everything but Denise really needed to get a taste of her own medicine.
‘Denise called her out that ‘she was lying, she had to go under the knife and had her stomach removed.”
She did this out of pure malice and envy because Anne looks better than she did before and Denise can’t stand the thought of her getting complimented and getting this attention.
It’s all fun and games until you’re the target of body shaming.” DJ_Too_Supreme
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Thank you for standing up for Anne. Denise shouldn’t have outed her like that, especially if this topic is something really heavy in your society.
I know people can be horribly judgemental about this kind of thing, and it was plainly wrong of Denise to reveal a personal thing like this, causing it to spread like wildfire.
Also, how dare she body-shame Anne for so long, despite having her own body-image issues!
Does she not realize how devastating comments can be? I mean she has her own issues with the exact thing, so she must know the damage she’s been causing, and must fully realize how much she’s hurt Anne, not just with all her comments, but even by the recent outing of her procedure.
I also appreciate that your husband tried getting her to apologize first, and then telling you you weren’t wrong after she refused to apologize.
I think you should speak to her just to tell her that if she makes things right with Anne, you’ll apologize to her, otherwise you stand by what you said.
Let me reiterate, you are NTJ, you’re awesome!” Stroopwafeled
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
A few separate things. First: You should apologize if you genuinely feel that what you said was unjustified. Apologies you don’t mean are just Machiavellian nonsense in my opinion. Given that she feels the need to dictate what other people wear and feels bitter that Anne is becoming healthier, I think your comment was reasonable and would not apologize in your position.
Second: Denise is definitely a jerk in this situation. Regardless of the rest of the situation (with few exceptions, eg their own wedding), other people don’t get to dictate what you wear, and being bitter at someone for losing weight makes you a jerk.
Third: I don’t know the cultural details, but generally saying that you achieved a look naturally when you didn’t feed into unrealistic expectations about what diet and exercise can do.
I would say the same thing about people who take steroids and insist they got there through hard work. She might not really have a choice here, so I wouldn’t say she was a jerk.” ATeacherSomewhere
8. AITJ For Choosing My Cats Over My Roommate?
“I (23) adopted two senior cats after a close friend’s grandmother passed away. I live with a college friend (24F) and she agreed when I asked if we could take them in.
Initially, it was a favor for their family. I was happy to help. But I became really attached to them, and they became very attached to me.
One cat has a little trouble peeing all the way in the litterbox, and sometimes pees where she wasn’t supposed to, she was adjusting to a new environment and a new mom after 13 years. But I always clean up after them and feed them, and I am solely financially responsible for them.
My roommate isn’t allergic, and we had them for three months when we renewed our lease for 2 years.
Now, they’re acclimated & docile, but still very curious. My roommate complained about them from time to time, so I made adjustments accordingly so they wouldn’t get cat food or litter everywhere.
Two nights ago, she gave me an ultimatum: it’s me or your cats.
I sobbed. So offended she even asked me, if she was willing to end our friendship or move out cause two cats were causing her so much mental anguish she feels ‘unsafe’ being in our apartment.
That night, I told her that I’m not choosing, it’s a cruel thing to ask, and I’ll move all their stuff to my bedroom, close them in when she’s home, so they’re out of sight & out of mind.
This wasn’t good enough.
She screamed at me, saying we agreed to be in a domestic partnership and move to a new city together (we are not in a domestic partnership, nor have we ever been in a relationship), and that I have never compromised for her, ever.
I’m not willing to get rid of my pets just so my roommate wants to be my friend again.
As far as I’m concerned, she stopped being a friend as soon as she asked that. Like her asking me to quit my job or choose between her or my other friends, is unrealistic.
I don’t want her to move out. We’ve been friends for 4 years.
But I’m her best friend, her only one in the city (she pushed away all our other college friends who moved up here) and she is not mine. She has barely treated me like a friend in recent memory.
All the utilities are in my name, I keep the house clean, I always pay my share of the rent, and my dad is our sole co-signer on the next two years of our lease.
Her father could have co-signed too, our financial situations are the same, but he didn’t.
I can’t just get rid of my pets, who I love and care about, and live the next 2 years with someone I resent, & hate myself even more for sacrificing my values and part of who I am to save a failing friendship or make her life easier.
I have my own life, desires, a career I love, and other amazing friends. And she’s been unhappy ever since we moved, and nothing I’ve tried to do to help her has made it any better.
One friend (23M) in particular told me I needed to stand up for myself, that she’s emotionally manipulative, and I’m starting to think he’s right.
Either way, I’ll feel awful.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sooooooo NTJ.
Tell her you are keeping the cats, and you expect her help to find another roommate for her to sublet (if your lease allows) her half to so that she can move out without being responsible for paying her share of the lease.
Otherwise, she will still be legally responsible for it… Also wouldn’t hurt to contact your father about the issue, if he is willing to help you cover the lease on your own to avoid further nightmares with her, then you could petition your landlord to release just her from the lease, keeping your father and yourself on it.
Also, the whole ‘domestic partnership’ thing is super weird. The main thing associated with that is inheritance and medical rights in regard to the other person. I would be very concerned that she is attempting to establish herself as your domestic partner.” 2McDoty
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your roommate is blackmailing you. You entered into a conversation that should have evolved into compromises. You have bonded with your cats, and it would be painful to give them up. I do not see a corresponding level of emotional pain for your roommate.
A friend would not ask that you give your cats away. Time to find a new roommate.” Wild-Boat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She sounds like a classic manipulator/user. She has invested little to nothing into your combined living situation in comparison to you and is now demanding you remove beings from your life that contribute to your peace and well-being.
As she’s cut off her old relationships, it sounds like she’s now trying to do the same to you.
There’s a saying ‘misery loves company,’ if you have other friends in your life I’d recommend having them buy her out of the lease.” akrakos
7. AITJ For Being Frustrated That My Future Father-In-Law Is Not Prioritizing My Wedding?
“My (34 f) fiancé (35 m) Andrew, has a difficult relationship with his Dad, Todd.
When Andrew was a kid his father worked in the city and stayed there during the week, coming home to his wife and two sons on the weekend. When home he spent most of his time wasted, sleeping on the couch.
Todd ended up leaving Andrew’s mother for Amy, who he had been having an affair with.
The divorce was messy and Todd said a lot of horrible things in front of Andrew about his Mom, like she was ‘a waste of skin.’ Todd married Amy, and they had a son, Liam. Since then Andrew has seen even less of his Dad.
We haven’t been invited to Christmas, Thanksgiving, or other family events at Todd’s home for years, and his family declines our invites.
Andrew always felt like he wasn’t the son his father wanted. He was in a lot of plays as a kid, but Todd never saw them.
Meanwhile, Liam plays a lot of sports and Todd is always supportive, and even coaches some of Liam’s teams. He boasts about Liam, which he never does about his older sons. Andrew and his older brother are both kind, smart, work hard, are amazing Dads, and are pretty successful.
I feel like a father would have a lot to be proud of.
Last year we had a big party to celebrate our son’s grade 8 graduation. He worked very hard, won 2 awards, and was the master of the ceremony. We had family from both sides over to celebrate.
Everyone was there except Todd and his family because Liam had football.
Andrew is normally hurt when Todd isn’t there, but this time he was angry. Andrew told Todd that he was upset he barely even knows his grandson, he’s maybe met him 7 times, and he always chooses Liam over his other sons.
Todd deflected everything and didn’t speak to Andrew for months.
Todd has known about the wedding since last year. We sent out e-invites to everyone on social media. I sent Todd a message with the invite explaining that we’re excited for him and his family to join us.
He left me on read. I sent a 2nd message 2 weeks later saying how important he and his family are to us and how we want them to be part of the wedding. Again he left me on read.
Andrew was already nervous about inviting Todd.
He didn’t want to be rejected again. Andrew called his Dad and told him how important this is to him. Todd said that he couldn’t rsvp because he is waiting on a hip replacement. He doesn’t have a date for the surgery but it might happen around the wedding.
I feel like if it was my son I would schedule surgery around the wedding. The worst part is he doesn’t even have a date for the surgery. It feels like an excuse. This may be worse than a ‘no’ because Andrew is going to be anxious and upset until the wedding.
I really want to call Todd and tell him that his son deserves better, and it’s time he stepped up as a father, but I worry that if I do he will push Andrew away even more. If I do this, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
At some point as an adult, especially if you have children of your own, you need to protect yourself and them.
You wouldn’t drive around without a seatbelt on because you would be worried about leaving your child an orphan right?
This is the same, you should go no contact with Todd because he is causing all of your emotional trauma.
This trauma is affecting how you live your life, how you parent your children, and how you model walking through the world to them.
By continuing to interface with Todd, you are in effect showing them that it is ok to be emotionally abused by other people in your life.
Is that what you want to model?
Go no contact with Todd, for the sake of your children, if not for the sake of avoiding trauma yourselves.” Alarming_Record6241
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You’re NTJ for being mad at your fiancé’s dad because honestly Todd is a deadbeat dad and honestly I think Andrew should stop trying to have a relationship with his dad.
This man clearly has no interest in being a father to Andrew and clearly favors Liam.
I think Andrew should really go no contact with this man. Todd however is obviously a major jerk. He has an affair, marries the woman he had an affair with, abandons his family, and plays favorites with his kids.
Honestly (and this may sound harsh) I’d be happy with Todd just going 100% no contact with me instead of letting me keep trying to have a relationship; doing that will hurt a bit but it would give me the right encouragement to give up trying and move on with my life.
I am so sorry Andrew has this horrible man and father as a dad.” DJ_Too_Supreme
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for being mad at Todd, but to be honest, you and your husband, unfortunately, need to realize that Todd doesn’t value his relationship with Andrew as much as his relationship with Liam.
I am sorry to be blunt, but at this point trying to get this guy to have a relationship with your fiance is a waste of time and effort. Todd is totally using the surgery as an excuse because deep down, he doesn’t care. I know it hurts so much to hear that, but hopefully, you’ll both get to a point where you’ll realize that trying to have a relationship with Todd brings nothing but pain.
You both deserve peace and happiness.” PrscheWdow
6. AITJ For Wanting To Wear A Suit To Prom?
“I am 15, a girl and I am finishing my final year of school soon (UK). I don’t have any problems with my gender identity or anything, I just don’t do dresses or makeup, or anything like that. I’ve been like that all my life, heavily influenced by my brothers.
My mum knows this and she’s ok with it. I am a big metalhead and all my casual clothes are hoodies, and baggy stuff like that. I want to go to prom, but I want to wear a suit instead. I thought this was ok but when I told my mum, she got mad at me.
She says she’s not letting me go to prom in a suit, everyone will ‘think I am a lemon’ (I don’t even know what that means). I feel bad because I never dress up or anything like that and obviously she wants to see me look nice on the night.
I told her I am fine to wear makeup and do my hair nice, I just don’t feel comfortable wearing the dress. I don’t know what to do here. I don’t think I’d enjoy myself in a dress but I am not sure if I should just brave it and wear one, or wear the suit and feel more comfortable.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You should be able to wear whatever you want to a formal event as long as it fits within the guidelines of ‘formal’. You should try having a conversation with your mom about this. She likely has had long-set expectations in her mind of how formal events would ideally play out for you.
Ask her about that and discuss that while you can understand she has had these ideas for a long time, that just isn’t your style. You aren’t trying to dress casually for a formal event, you just prefer to wear your idea of what you’d enjoy wearing to a formal event.” Alpaca_Stampede
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
And I am probably at LEAST as old as your mum if not older. I don’t think she’s old-fashioned, because fashion designer Christian Dior, who was one of the most famous haute couture designers in the world, put gorgeous models in tuxes on the runway in the ’60s and the whole fashion world thought it was the hottest thing ever.
Your mum isn’t simply old fashioned, she’s… well, I suspect she’s the sort of person who is afraid of ever being different or sticking out, and assumes that to do so is BaD and wRoNg, and that she’s protecting you (when she says they’ll ‘think you’re a lemon’ it’s a metaphor meant to imply that they’ll think you’re a bit sour and ‘off’ rather than sweet and fitting in properly).
But she’s not protecting you, she’s just… not brave, and she doesn’t understand her kid who IS brave and bold and wants to be yourself and doesn’t really mind if that means being different. Which doesn’t make you a lemon at all. It makes you fabulous.
Wear the suit. If you’re comfortable with it, though, I suggest getting your hair done up and doing your makeup (doesn’t have to be girly… just do any hair and makeup that makes YOU feel like you’ve highlighted your best features and makes you feel extra glam for the night, you know?
Like you’ve made yourself feel a little different and more special than usual…). I say this as someone who actually HAS struggled with gender dysphoria: there’s no better feeling on a special night than leaning into a look that makes you feel 1000% yourself but even better and fancier and cooler.
I bet you’ll look amazing in that suit. And I be your mum will be surprised. This old lady will certainly be very proud of you. NTJ.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You should be able to wear whatever you want, so long as it’s appropriate for the occasion.
Since the boys are expected to wear suits, they are appropriate for the occasion. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. Plus, you can rent a tux and have it fitted, while you’ll almost certainly have to buy a dress (which is insanely expensive).
I don’t think your mum quite understands that modern kids who are judgemental about other people are not respected, so you will be fine if you wear a suit. Nobody would dare make a comment.” SirMittensOfTheHill
5. AITJ For Inviting Only My Father To My Wedding?
“I (29f) have been in no contact with my mother (70f) for 5 years now. She and my father (71m) are still together.
I am getting married this summer. It is a small wedding, basically an elopement with an after-party picnic. (No wedding dress, no cake, just a pavilion in the park, and we live in a state where we can do a Quaker self-uniting wedding, meaning no one needs to officiate.)
The party will be made up of my fiance’s extended family and my friends. My brother (26m) is invited. The rest of my extended family is not as none of them have spoken to me since I moved out of my parent’s house at 22. (My brother will get invited to things but I’m not.
I’m just basically not part of the family. Not disliked or anything, just people forget about me. I don’t anticipate any of them will care at all about not being invited.)
To sum it up, my mother is a piece of work and an ex/possibly current addict.
She has been in therapy for years but nothing has helped. She is incredibly toxic and I still have nightmares to this day about being trapped at home with her. (My only specification for college was that it was hours away so she couldn’t visit.) If she showed up to my wedding, it would not only ruin the day because of the traumatic response I would have in reaction to seeing her but because there’s no way she wouldn’t cause a scene (she has been kicked out of multiple weddings before!)
That aside, I love my dad. Other than sticking with my mom, he’s a great guy. He’s the one who raised my brother and me (cooking, cleaning, taking us to sports practice, helping with homework, and keeping a roof over our heads, etc.)
I told my dad he was invited to the wedding and he asked if my mother could watch from the car with binoculars.
I said absolutely not. He said I was making his life way more difficult by not inviting my mother. He also regularly says that I make his life more difficult by refusing to talk to her (we text semi-regularly and he stops over to visit a few times a year, her number is blocked).
My brother understands why I am in no contact with my mother but thinks I’m a little dramatic about it. However, because of his gender, our experiences growing up were very different.
AITJ for inviting my father but not my mother? I understand that I am telling him to choose between his daughter and his wife (for one day) but also I am emotionally prepared for him to not choose me.
He’s not a man who likes conflict so I know I’m putting him in a hard spot, but also I want to give him the chance to be there rather than not inviting either parent.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
First, you aren’t telling him to choose or putting him in a hard spot.
He decided to marry and have children with this woman, he decided to stay with her despite issues, and he has decided to maintain a relationship with you even though you don’t speak to his wife/your mom. These are all CHOICES.
It doesn’t matter why you don’t talk to your mom or who agrees/disagrees with you.
You have made the decision not to speak with her, and you aren’t putting anyone in the middle by doing that. He is invited to your wedding, but she is not. He can either be there for you, or he can DECIDE that coming creates too many problems for him and not attend.
Don’t feel bad for a second. He can do what works best for him, and we all make choices like that every day. Sure, this is a tougher one, but it is up to him to decide if he wants to be there on your wedding day.” mfruitfly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Protecting yourself from someone that hurts you is a reasonable thing to do.
This is a manipulative/abusive person who hurts you just by showing up because of the things they have done to you for so many years. It’s not your fault that her behavior was that bad.
It’s hers. You have a need to be protected from her.
And it’s a joyful day for you, which she has a pattern of ruining for people. Nope. This is on her, not you.
Your dad gets to choose. He gets to choose to stay with her, or leave and have a healthier life.
He gets to choose how and when to see you, while also protecting you from her. What he doesn’t get to do is hand you a Guilt Trip or some fake obligation based on the relationship his wife was supposed to have with you, the relationship she destroyed, by her choices.
He doesn’t get to imply or ask you to allow her to be involved in any way. He doesn’t get to ask you to make her feel better about having to live with the consequences of her choices all those years that you needed a mother and had her instead.
People don’t get the reward of a job well done if they bail out on doing the job in the first place. She doesn’t deserve the reward of being at your wedding or seeing it from a distance when she didn’t behave like a mother should.” blueberryyogurtcup
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your dad has always picked your mom, from the start. He stayed married to her, even knowing how she was to you. Yes, he picked up her slack, but he stayed and STAYS in a toxic environment. I would be surprised if that changed after all of these years.
I know you want him to pick you up for once. I know you’re prepared for him not to. But that doesn’t mean it won’t hurt, I’m sure.
You deserve to be happy, to not suffer on your wedding day, or any day, because of her.
I hope he does right by you, but I’m sorry if he doesn’t.” Limerase
4. AITJ For Wanting To Live With My Husband?
“I (female 23) was in the military for 4 years. To be clear, the same branch as my husband (male 23). We have been together for 4 years (1 year as partners and 3 years married).
We lived apart while being in a relationship and for the first year of marriage. This was due to us being in separate states. I am in North Carolina him in South Carolina. He luckily transferred to a North Carolina station an hour and a half away from mine.
We lived in a cramped studio apartment with two large dogs and a cat for the remainder of my tour (1 1/2 years to be exact).
After my tour was finished and I got out of the military. We decided I would move into his mother’s house and he would live on base during the week and drive to his mom’s on the weekends (2 1/2 hour drive one way).
This was due to uncertainty in my job options (I had a few lined up and had offers but was still looking for a better option pay-wise). We had a lot of bills to pay off and needed a cheap place to live, hence his mom’s and the station barracks.
I ended up getting a decent-paying job at his friend’s dad’s company.
Fast forward to a year, we have paid off a lot of bills and my husband is discussing his next station. He wants to geo-bachelor (basically this means he will live in a different state than me) because he wants to spend our housing income on land and a house near his mom.
So instead of buying a house or renting at his new station, he will live in barracks while I live near his mom in South Carolina. Meaning I will not see him unless he takes time off. His reasoning is valid, if we do this, we will have a set destination (paid off) for when he retires from the military.
But, as of right now I see him four-eight days out of the month which in some military family cases is a lot, I get that. But, I’m ready to live with him in our own place, like a married couple (note this will be 14 years away from each other because that’s when he can retire).
After all this time being married we have had a studio apartment, barracks, and his mom’s house as our ‘homes’. I’m tired of cramming all my stuff into one room and storage, I’m very tired of living away from him already. I want a house but I don’t want it to be away from him.
He also doesn’t want me to leave his friend’s dad’s company because it’s growing and I have a good opportunity to move up in the ranks and get paid more. Just to note we don’t have kids and he doesn’t want to have kids till he retires from the military.
On another note, he is insistent on doing this, I think he is just stuck on the idea of getting out and having a good home to begin his next career chapter but is not considering the time apart. So, AITJ for wanting my husband and me to live in the same house?
Edit: My husband is a really good guy, he has never shown a single sign of him having an affair. We are very open with each other and have shared every little secret. I understand from the outside looking in this is a formula for infidelity, just not in our situation.
Also, this is not me being oblivious it is the truth. My husband does look to our future often and in-depth. Though it may seem as though it’s out of personal gain, it is to better our future and the future of our kids.
He didn’t have a lot growing up and wants to give everything we can to our kids.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
The cost to both of your quality of life is far too great for your husband’s plan. He’s basically saying ‘I don’t mind if our entire married life sucks for 14 years.’ And, by extension, your personal life will suck – having everything in storage or living at his mom’s house isn’t how you want to spend the next 14 years, I assume.
I think a reasonable compromise would be to do this for a few years, tops, to save his housing money for a sizeable down payment for land or a house.
But I think he’s being a jerk for being so rigid here. He’s so invested in Our Future that he’s ignoring both of your presents.
It’s asking far too much sacrifice for a future that may never happen. Who knows what happens in the next 14 years, geopolitically or otherwise? Will you both regret never living together if something major happens?” bmyst70
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I don’t think the husband is the jerk, but what’s the point of being married if you’re literally spending less than a week a month together?
You’re better off just being single and having an informal, long-distance relationship.
And for the record – bless the military people, but this is why they have the highest divorce rate of pretty much any profession. It simply doesn’t work.
You two need to talk and decide if you value your marriage or money more because very (very very) few people can stay married long distance for multiple years.” RandomizedNameSystem
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I think you two need to explore more options. There’s no reason why you can’t go with him to his next station. As you know, the majority of military families move around a lot, but it does not prevent them from buying a house and having children.
Or living in base housing together. Your job makes it sticky, but the military has the resources to help you with this.
The part about him not wanting to have kids until he retires concerns me. You’ll both be 37 at that point. Which is okay, but it’s on the higher end of the age bracket for you.
I mean, you’ll be 55-56 when your first child graduates from high school, and that’s only IF you end up pregnant immediately after retirement.” DisneyBuckeye
3. AITJ For Not Telling My Family That I Am Going On Dates?
“My (45F) husband (‘Tim’) and I married right out of college. We had a very happy first decade of marriage, including having two children (‘Luke’ and ‘Beth’), who are now 21M and 19F. However, when in our 30s, Tim developed severe depression and substance use disorder (liquor and painkillers).
His depression was treatment-resistant and that made him unable to fight his other addictions. Despite numerous inpatient psychiatric stays and several stints in rehab, he passed away 5 years ago, at age 40. We don’t know, and will likely never know if the cause of death was accidental or intentional.
After Tim’s passing, I was 100% focused on helping our children be as okay as possible. Despite his demons, he was a great dad when he was able to be, and losing him was completely devastating for all of us. Lots of individual and family therapy helped, and Luke was able to graduate from high school with high honors and get a college scholarship (out of state).
Beth graduated last year with similar honors and is also now in college, several states away.
With both Luke and Beth now adults and away from home, I can finally focus more on myself. It took me a long time (at least 3 years) after Tim’s passing before I could even think about wanting to go out with anyone again.
Then for the next year, I was focused on getting Beth through her last year of high school and off to college. However, once she went off to school in the fall I started to dip my toe into it. It’s been slow going; I’ve probably had a dozen or so dates total, mostly first dates that didn’t go anywhere.
There was one guy I went out with 4 times, but we decided not to continue as we weren’t feeling a more-than-friendship spark.
So, here’s where the problem is – last week, a cousin of Tim’s saw me out on a date – she was in town for business and just happened to be at the same restaurant.
She made a bit of a scene (coming up to the table and demanding to know what I was doing betraying my husband – which really confused the gentleman I was out with). She then stormed out and, apparently, called Tim’s parents, who then called Luke and Beth.
Now everyone is furious at me because I hadn’t given a heads-up that I was starting to see people again. My thought was – I don’t need to give the play-by-play on my personal life, especially when it might be hurtful – I figured that if I actually started seeing someone regularly, I would let folks know, but until then there didn’t seem to be anything to tell.
Especially as Tim’s parents live across the country and Luke and Beth are away at college. However, everyone involved (Tim’s cousin, his parents, my kids, and assorted other relatives and friends who now know) say I am a huge jerk for not telling people in advance that I was moving on.
So, AITJ here? (Not asking if I am a jerk for meeting people at all; I’ve been a widow for five years! Just if I am the jerk for letting people find out without a proactive heads-up.)”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It has been FIVE YEARS.
Your loss was terrible – I am so sorry for what you’ve all been through – but you deserve to have companionship and romance back in your life. You put your kids first and made sure they were okay. It is absolutely okay for you to focus on your needs now and it’s more than okay for you to keep your private life private while you explore that area of it.
Your late husband’s family had no business expecting to be told about your meeting new people and they had no right to tell your children.” Cha_r_ley
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Be careful what way you handle this, I wouldn’t be one bit apologetic, simply shut down Tim’s family ‘I didn’t tell you because it is absolutely none of your business, cousin has an absolute nerve making a scene and involving herself in my business and this is absolutely not up for discussion’.
To be honest I would say the same to the kids only nicer, they are adults, but are being likely riled up by the family. Say what you said here about not telling them until there was something to tell, same as you would expect from them.” Rainbowbright31
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If it was my mom, I would be more upset that she didn’t tell me she was out alone with strangers, than the fact that she’s seeing someone. But the rest of the family doesn’t need the details.
You mourned your husband, I am sure before he ever passed away.
You lost him to addiction first. You’re fully entitled to figuring out how to live your life with an empty nest now.
If you were out with friends I feel like the extended family would have the same reaction, that you shouldn’t have a night out while your husband is dead.” robotcrackle
2. AITJ For Telling My Mom False Information?
“My mom refuses to believe me when I tell her I don’t know something.
When I still lived at home she would ask me personal questions about my brothers or my friends.
I tried to explain that I had no way of knowing what my brother, who was away at university, was doing for the weekend.
Or why my friend had colored his hair.
It didn’t matter. The questions never stopped. So I have developed a method to deal with her. It has four stages.
First, if she asks me something that I know or have the ability to Google, (What did Brendan Fraser do for the last decade) then I answer her question to the best of my ability.
Second, if she asks me a question that I have no possible way of knowing I tell her clearly that ‘I don’t know’.
Third, if she persists I come up with a random but plausible answer. For example when she asked me what my friend from high school, who is married to my brother’s wife’s sister, was doing with his old car when he bought his new car I told her that he traded it in.
Fourth, when she doesn’t believe the plausible story then I go nuts. So when she said that she had spoken to my sister-in-law and he wasn’t trading it in them I come up with a random story. The car was stolen and when the cops found it the entire trunk was packed with coolers full of dead squirrels and elk meat.
So they are keeping it as evidence and that’s why he is getting a new Bronco.
I don’t know why but she believes the weirdest stuff I come up with and passes it on as facts.
This has now bitten me in the butt. My brother said that when she was over there visiting she asked him about the squirrels and elk meat.
And that it made the visit ‘weird’.
Everyone is mad at me for misleading my mom and for embarrassing herself at my brother’s house.
I think she needs to learn that I don’t know everything and that she should accept that as an answer.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. It’s not like she’s asking you impossible questions like when the next plane crash is going to happen.
She expects you to be in contact with people like your brother or your old friend who’s also your brother’s brother-in-law. She expects that you talk with these people regularly and that these conversations include things like why they dyed their hair, what their plans are this weekend, or what they’re doing with their old car.
It seems that she can’t imagine or internalize that you might not ask these questions.
So it’s more plausible to her that a car was stolen and loaded up with wild game than that you would not care enough about your friends to ask. I suspect that to her, sharing (information about people’s lives) is caring.” CallMeNiel
Another User Comments:
“Mild YTJ because you include other people in your family as part of these outrageous stories.
They didn’t agree to be involved and have to deal with the fallout when things get awkward when these lies are exposed.
A way to address this might be to ask your mother ‘Mom, I just answered this question a few minutes ago.
Do you remember my answer?’ If she dithers say ‘Mom, I told you a few minutes ago that I did not know the answer to this question. Nothing has happened in the last quarter-hour to give me more information.’
And, if she persists, there is always ‘Mom, you’ve asked me this repeatedly over the last hour/few days/whatever timeline applies.
I’m concerned that you are not remembering what we have talked about just a short time ago. Should we have a talk with your doctor about this? I’m concerned that you are having problems with your short-term memory.’
This can seem funny, but it can also be a symptom of a variety of degenerative memory conditions.
(Alzheimer’s, dementia, small strokes, etc.) If that is the case, she needs medical help, not an embarrassing ‘lesson.'” Jazzlike_Humor3340
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Whenever she asks these kinds of questions and you don’t know the answer, tell her that you either don’t know, to go and ask said person herself, or just ignore the question.
You are right, she does need to learn that you’re not a robot who knows everything. Also, your family needs to have a serious sit-down with your mom and tell her that their personal life, aside from what they tell her, is none of her business and either set boundaries or cut her off.” Fixxi-Artz
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your mother thinks you know everything because she thinks you are smart and have proven to know things she has no idea about in the past. You are her Google. Feeding her misinformation to alter this is like kicking a puppy.
She has no defenses. Be glad that she thinks the sun shines out of your butt. Answer what you can and be kind when she is frustrated when her ‘Google’ can’t provide the answers. If she demands answers where there are none, this might be her way of speculating on something.
Speculate with her. Answer in possible answers. ‘It might be a, b or c.’ Overall, be kind to her while you can!” Fundinnnn
1. AITJ For Demolishing My Daughter's Room?
“My 18-year-old daughter, Meg, is in college. She moved in with her partner a few months ago, which left her old bedroom empty.
Her bedroom used to be right next to our tiny living room. To make our tiny living room into a normal-sized living room, we knocked out my daughter’s room’s wall, refloored the space, and fixed the walls. Now it looks like the bedroom was never there and we have a spacious living room.
When my daughter came home to visit and saw that her room is gone, she made a huge deal about it. She got all emotional and said if we never wanted to let her move back, we should’ve just said so instead of completely demolishing her room.
I told her that if anything happens and she needs to move back, we will welcome her and she could sleep on the couch as long as she wants. But she accused us of wanting to get rid of her forever and for her never to visit us since we got rid of her room so fast, only a few months after she moved out and we should’ve waited longer.
AITJ for not waiting longer with the renovation?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
What’s up with all these adults making adult decisions, like moving in with partners, assuming the bedroom they left will never be touched?
Yes, your daughter is in college but she still decided to move out.
And that’s part of life. There should never be an expectation that mom and dad will keep your bedroom indefinitely, or even until 26.
And when mom and dad own the house, they shouldn’t have to run every decision by their adult children.
Also, you changed your house’s layout after your daughter chose to move out, you didn’t kick her out, and while she no longer has a room she still has the ability to come home.
Only now there is a bit of an incentive for her to get up on her feet and get her own place so she can have privacy if she ever does end up back home.” semmama
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ
I don’t think parents realize just how much their kiddos hold onto their childhood homes/rooms sentimentally.
This being said, there should have been much more communication on the topic. No, you don’t have to ask her permission to alter anything in your own home.
However, she just moved out a few months ago, and a huge change was made to what used to be her space (and what she thought would continue to be her space if she visited/had to move back in), so I can understand her being upset & feeling like she was being disposed of just because she moved out.
All around, everyone could’ve had much better communication skills & avoided a whole mess. It is still your home, and she is still your kid. Removing a room won’t ever change that.” ElegantMulberry4168
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
This is a good time to support your child in their emotional resiliency.
First off ACKNOWLEDGE HER FEELINGS, tell her those sound like big emotions and you understand where she’s coming from. Then help her recontextualize COMPASSIONATELY. Tell her it’s also a gesture showing how much you BELIEVE in her that she’s going to have a great independent life, tell her about YOUR sadness too at the scariness of a big life transition, and how much you miss her.
You’re not missing the point with the room, but you’re clearly missing SOMETHING in the way you’re supporting your child to navigate this transition. Maybe reach out to a parenting professional for better advice on how to do THAT.” Amazing-Pattern-1661
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. As an 18-year-old, you are at an immensely fragile part of your life.
You’re taking your first steps into true adulthood. Being able to do that with a feeling of a safety net is so important. It allows you to take those risks, and learn as you go, and make your way through your failures.
Knowing that you have a home base, a safe space to return to, and a permanent foothold in this world with your parents, is a huge psychological aid.
Your bedroom at your parents’ house is that kind of place. It’s a place with huge sentimentality attached. A safe space that sheltered you through your teenage years. When you’re out learning to navigate the often scary difficulties of the adult world, knowing that you can go back to that place is very stabilizing.
You demolished that. Her safe space in your home, a place of huge sentimental value, symbolic of the support you, as parents, provide to her? Totally gone, without the slightest chance for her to mentally prepare herself for it.
By demolishing that room you are saying to her, We will no longer provide you with a safe place to return to, only the kind of impersonal aid she shouldn’t depend on.” crocusCable
Metaspoon Slow or Crashing?
If Metaspoon is causing your browser to crash or run slowly, please try viewing the article in Lite Mode and it should run more smoothly!