People Question If They Were The Jerk In These Situations

Have you ever said or done something and later thought, "Wow, I'm a bad person"? It's not a pleasant feeling, but hey, nobody is perfect. The best thing we can do is learn from the situation and be better next time around. But sometimes we need an answer. Were we really in the wrong? In these stories, people aren't sure if they handled things correctly. Part of them wants to believe that they reacted well. Another part of them feels a sense of guilt for how they acted. So, you be the judge. Read the opinions of other people, and then make your own judgement by leaving a comment of your own. AITJ = Am I the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk YTJ = You're the jerk WIBTJ = Would I be the jerk? EHS = Everyone here sucks

14. AITJ For Wanting My Fiance To Make All The Big Wedding Decisions?

The person who is pickier should take the lead on wedding planning, honestly.

“My fiance Dan and I had been talking about getting married for a while and he proposed this year.

We’ve started planning our wedding, and it’s led to some unexpected conflict.

My preference would be to have a small wedding, I’m not close with my family except for my parents and sister, and I have a few close friends I’d want to have there. So my guest list was tiny, like 10 people. I also wanted to do something outdoors, like in a forest or beach.

With a bonfire/bbq party on my property as a reception.

Dan’s got a bigger family, has more friends he wants to invite, and is close with all of them, he had like 130 people he wanted to invite. He wanted a church ceremony. And he wanted a location that would be accessible for his older or disabled family members.

His parents also offered to pay for a lot of the wedding costs as a gift to us.

We compromised by planning the wedding with a church ceremony, and the reception at this nearby forest lodge venue, with an indoor/outdoor space, with beautiful decks and an outdoor dance floor overlooking the mountains.

But when it’s come to the planning, I guess I was hoping Dan would take the lead and I’d be more of a helper because the extra fancy stuff was all stuff he and his family wanted.

But it really feels like he wants me to take the lead, and I’m not sure why. Like he and his family have really specific stuff they want. But he’s been asking me to find vendors and stuff? Or once we do find vendors to be the decision maker with them?

Like, for example, I found us a flower seller because he wanted to go with a company.

Then he was asking me to pick what colors to do and I was like “how about pink to match my bridesmaids’ dresses” and he said that was too matchy matchy, and I couldn’t do everything pink. So I was like “why don’t we ask our florist; she probably knows what would be cute.”

He got frustrated with me because he said it wasn’t her job to pick our colors.

I said alright, how about we do multi-color. Like a different flower at each table as a cute way to tell tables apart. He said they were supposed to be matching. I felt annoyed because he seemed to have a very clear idea of what he wanted but for some reason was still trying to get me to make that call.

We had the same argument about the tablecloths. He wanted me to work with the venue to pick a color but when I suggested pink, then black or gold, he shut all those down. It felt like he had a color scheme in mind and wanted me to guess it?

I got frustrated and told him that he needed to make these decisions if he had such a strong opinion.

He felt like I didn’t care about getting married which was the furthest from the truth! I just don’t want to “manage” all the decisions when it feels like he already knows the answers he wants.

AITJ for not wanting to make those decisions?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Planning a wedding is a great indicator of how you both will handle conflict resolution as a married couple.

I never want to go through it again. If you have one partner that expects the other to read their mind, that may be a recipe for disaster.

Set aside a time to discuss the wedding planning in advance. Give each other specific tasks that one of you are independently expected to research/plan. The other person gets 2 “vetoes” where they can alter the decision when it is presented to them.

I assure you, your fiance will want to reserve his 2 vetoes for things more substantial than flowers and tablecloths.

If he decides to break the 2 vetoes rule and have input on every aspect, that is how your ongoing relationship will be once married, unless you reevaluate your choice in who you want to marry.” LowerAd9859

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I think Dan is at odds with himself. On the one hand, he has a certain idea of what he wants. On the other hand, he also wants you to participate in planning the wedding. If you don’t participate, then he feels like you don’t care about the wedding, and by extension, the family.

The reason I think Dan is at odds with himself is because there is also the traditional (and honestly quite sexist) notion that the bride should take the lead in planning all aspects of the wedding. If that notion has taken root in his brain, then the two of you are going to be at loggerheads throughout the process.

I honestly have no idea how to resolve this and get your wedding planning on track in a way that makes you both happy. But I can assure you that you aren’t the jerk in this situation.” VerySurlyPerson

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. The situation sounds similar to mine. My guest list was smaller than hers.

Is he really busy with work? That was my situation. My now wife took care of so many things and I’ll admit I said I didn’t care about some options (flowers for example) only to come back and say I don’t like that.

I would recommend a wedding planner. They have a playbook ready, and you two just pick stuff, and they’ll give you ideas.

It really helped both of us. I had the framework in mind and the wedding planner filled in the details. And it lifted the burden off my wife by having the wedding planner say use this vendor and not that one because they’re reliable and they are always late. Worth the cost.” BKRF_1980

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limu1 1 year ago
NTJ, as you've made it quite clear you're perfectly happy leaving the big decisions up to your fiancé and yet he still nags you. Let me tell you how this might end: you know the classic scene where hubs asks wife where she wants to eat and she says "I don't care?" That's my husband and me, but I say it because whenever I DO suggest we go somewhere to eat, he either shoots it down immediately or finds fault with it if we do go and complains nonstop. So now I refuse to choose, which he gripes about, but he denies that his reaction to my choices is always negative. I love him but this is a very annoying trait; you'd better decide if you want to put up with it or not.
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13. AITJ For Blowing Up At A New Mom For Trying To Push To The Front Of The Line?

“So I (21 F) had to go to the post office in my local town center to return two substantially heavy parcels under my arms. I got to the post office at 10 in the morning, with an already very long queue in front of me.

I’m talking 23+ people long with only one person managing the counter. There was another counter open; however, that was only to exchange currency and had its own separate queue, but it was right next to the package queue, and it was even labeled as being two queues for individual things.

Now as much as I wanted to walk back out, I wanted to get this done.

No way am I lugging these parcels around back to my car and having to repeat this. As the queue started slowly going down one by one, a lovely elderly lady behind me began to speak to me, She was so sweet, and it provided a great distraction in passing the time. After talking for a long time, the lady and I found ourselves being next in line after waiting for over 30 minutes, I let her go in front of me since she started to look quite drained. As she said thank you and began to walk towards the till you could hear the sound of someone stomping forward in the other queue.

Then this woman speeds ahead with her pram and toddler in tow and cuts directly in front of the lady. The woman more or less chucks her package on the counter and says she wants this delivered.

I won’t deny it, but I was mad. Not only because I had waited a long time but mainly for this lady in front of me who looks too shy and scared to say much.

Even the person at the register looked shocked. So, I said quite calmly to the woman with the pram, “if you want to return something, it would be wise to get into the queue like the rest of us have.” And people around me in the queue started to shout all sorts of stuff when they saw what was happening since they thought she was just doing currency.

She almost loses it herself and shouts, “I’m a mom with a newborn and a toddler and I don’t have the time or patience.” I told her “half of us don’t have the patience and still we’ve been waiting. Being a new mom isn’t a good enough excuse for any of us, so get back in line and stop using motherhood as an excuse to cut corners.” She looked so angry at me, and the person at the register gained their senses and told her to either leave or get in line.

She left saying she could find another place to deliver her package. The old lady gave me a smile and did her business, and then I did mine.

I got home and told my mom over dinner that it happened as I found it funny when the woman stormed out after getting told straight. But my mom more or less said it’s stressful being a new mother all over again, and I should have left it be.

I still feel I’m right, but then again, I don’t understand the stresses of parenthood. So maybe I was wrong?”

Another User Comments:


I don’t have kids, so I, same as you, probably don’t get the stress of parenthood. I However do understand that because a person chooses to procreate, it doesn’t give them some extra special VIP in life to cut in line and somehow have less patience than others to stand in said line.

I do it because that’s the way of the land. They can do it too.

I read a parent saying as a response to someone finding it annoying when multiple parents with their strollers, walk next to each other, in a row, covering the entire sidewalk. Making passing people to move down to the road to do so.

She simply said something in the likes of “I’ve already had to get my stroller with major chaos dressing my child from my home. I don’t give a crap if it bothers you to have to move to the road/street to pass me. Mine is harder to handle”

Which for one sounds like a ‘you problem’ filled with some sort of entitlement.

But secondly, it wasn’t even the issue. Can’t one of them, let’s say, 3 strollers in this row simply hang back a step and let people pass on the sidewalk? You can’t separate from your posse for 1 minute out of courtesy for the world around you?

Sorry, I digress. My point being is, you’re NTJ for enforcing common sense and some darn respect to someone who felt a bit more important than the rest in line.” SpoonWielder

Another User Comments:

“NTJ at all. I’m physically disabled and standing still for long periods of time hurts; but there’s no way I’d push into any line like that. There’s really no excuse for it (unless the package is about to explode and then the post office is NOT the place for that package).

This reminds me though of a post a mother I know posted on social media that was basically saying to “get out of the line” at a coffee shop because she had been up all night with a baby and had more need for that coffee than anyone else.

Holy heck, the comments were like “absolutely! and when childfree people say they’re tired. pfft, like you don’t know tired at all child.”” CopperTodd17

Another User Comments:


Rant following.

I get mad that they now have parents with pram parking next to the supermarket doors… Women have been having babies for millennia and haven’t needed special treatment.

I get that wrangling toddlers is difficult, but plenty of other people have difficulties too (such as mental illnesses).

Don’t be a jerk to others because you chose to have children! I give up my seat to heavily pregnant women, the elderly, and the obviously physically impaired. Be kind to people and they will be kind to you in return…be a jerk, and you deserve to be told off.” CowsEyes

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Beenthruit 1 year ago
NTJ. There are lines for a reason.
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12. AITJ For Fighting With My Husband For Not Going To The ER With Me?

“I started having horrible abdominal pain Thursday night and I couldn’t get in to see my dr until the following Monday, so I figured I’d be fine over the weekend.

By that Sunday it hurt to stand up straight, and I decided it needed to be seen ASAP, so I told my husband I wanted to go to the ER. His answer was “if you want to go, go”. I suggested he at least drop me off, as we share a car, so that if I needed him he could come.

He declined.

The ER ran some tests, decided it wasn’t an emergency, gave me medicine, and discharged me. Except I couldn’t drive because of the medication they gave me. My husband ended up texting a friend to come get him and drop him at the ER, so he could drive me home.

Monday I saw my PCP who suggested I go back to the ER because I was still in pain and things can be missed. I didn’t want to go alone, and my husband was at work, so I just stayed on the couch watching movies.

Fast forward to Wednesday. I was still in a lot of pain, and my husband was off work, so I asked him to take me back. He said no, that they didn’t find anything Sunday, and that I was over reacting and needed to rest because I hadn’t been (even though he sat at the computer the night before and watched me make dinner knowing I wouldn’t be able to eat any of it).

By Thursday I’d had enough and called him at work. I told him to tell his boss he was leaving, he needed to take me in. He finally agreed.

We were at the ER for several hours when his work called asking when he’d be back… so he called my BFF and had her come sit with me and went back to work.

When I got home I came unglued on him for ditching me when I needed him. His justification for all of this is that I’ve always known he doesn’t “do hospitals”. Which is true, I know he hates them, but seriously!?

So, AITJ for chewing him out?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ all the way.

You know my husband also “doesn’t do hospitals”. They make him really uncomfortable and anxious to the point of panic attacks. And yet he has gone with me every time I have had a medical emergency unless I specifically told him to just give me a ride. And even then he badgers me if he should just come in for a bit until I make him leave.

He has left work to drive me to the er before, then stayed home to watch our kid, all on a moment’s notice because that’s what you do in an emergency. If our kid has a medical emergency he’s right there in the hospital next to me, supporting and comforting our child.


Because he realizes his spouse and child’s medical emergencies are more important than his feelings and momentary discomfort.

You may be NTJ, but your husband sure is, that right there would be a deal breaker for me. If it’s bad enough to consider the er it’s a real emergency and his blasé attitude is concerning. How could he care so little about your well-being? So the tests came back with no results, ok that’s even more concerning because now you just have mystery pain.

That should be even more of a reason for him to be encouraging you to rest and go to the er. Not be making freaking dinner. If it was bad enough for them to give you morphine that’s some pretty freaking serious pain. And he’s just blowing it off. This can’t be the only example of his carelessness towards you.

I mean this kind of behavior doesn’t just happen out of nowhere. I think when you recover you guys need a serious talk about how this made you feel. How he’s blowing off your well-being during an emergency because he just simply can’t be bothered. Even if he LOATHES the hospital he should still want to go to support you.

Or bare freaking minimum he should be taking you and picking you up without question. It shouldn’t even be a question of you driving yourself. It’s an emergency for Christ’s sake! He’s your partner he is supposed to be there for you!” ms_anthropik

Another User Comments:


My partner has issues all the time and I tell her to just calm down.

It ranges from chest pain belly pain ear pain cough sore throat rhinorrhea etc.

I’m like no you don’t need a specialist yet. I’ve never been wrong so far. Lols.

Of course, I’m a doctor so it’s even more frustrating sometimes when she is mad that I’m not taking her seriously when I’m telling her we don’t need to pay gazillions to take her to the respiratory specialist for him to tell her her dry cough is due to allergies from a post nasal drip.

I treated her with antihistamines and Wala the cough went away And a whole load of other complaints that just goes away spontaneously or with some nonspecialist care.

I have to admit something I feel insulted she just won’t listen because I’m the first to worry about her when I sense something amiss and I would escalate asap if necessary.

It just feels a lack of trust in both me and my full-time job sometimes.

I don’t think it’s appropriate of you to tell your husband off. You can make a request but if he says no then you should respect him. It’s almost as if you treat him as beneath you.” Worried-Garage-4997

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You needed to go to the ER. Your husband did not act like a partner to you. No one “likes” going to the hospital, but if your partner (or child) needs to go, you do the right thing and take them.

I got seriously ill (kidney infection that went septic and I almost died).

My husband not only brought me to the ER and stayed for 6 hours while I was vomiting in the waiting room, but he also went in when I was being checked in. He stayed until they told him to go home and sleep. At that point, he’d been there for over 12 hours. He called to check on me constantly.

He also stayed home and took care of me when I was discharged. The day I was discharged from the hospital I was still vomiting and the dog got sprayed by a skunk in our yard. He brought me pots to vomit in (and cleaned them), got the dog sorted out, and did this all without complaint.

He fussed over me, begged me to eat (I couldn’t), and did everything in his power to get me well. I did the same for him when he had major surgery.” GailleannBeag

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Rock42 1 year ago
NTJ, there are so many terrible people giving advice in this comment section. They evidently don't care for their spouse or girlfriend. My husband would be with me every step of the way. If you guys care so little for your "loved" ones, please let them find someone that really does care for them and get away from you, someone who doesn't care about their partners well being. I hope you have an emergency one of these days and your partner says quit being a baby and goes on to work. See how that will work out for you. Karma is coming for you. How disgusting some of these commenters are.
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11. AITJ For Choosing To Attend My Sons' Activities Over My Daughter's?

“I (39 M) Have 3 children (13 and 15M) and (17 F). My wife and I have an agreement my wife goes to my daughter’s dance recitals, piano recitals, and ballet classes. I go to my boys’ science fairs; coding competitions; and basketball, football, and baseball games. I do not want to watch something boring like watching someone play the piano. I would rather be somewhere like the science fair or any of their games watching them rank high for something that actually looks interesting.

The one time I went to any of my daughter’s events I fell nearly asleep. Recently my boys and their friends won an important game. The coach was so pleased he took the kids out to dinner and invited all the dads to attend. I could choose to go to the celebration or daughter’s dance recital. I thought about it and decided I would go to the celebration and if there was still time go to the recital. 2 hours later I took my boys home.

As I was driving by, I saw my friend outside his house and he was yelling at me to come over. I did and we had a few Red Bulls. We planned a get-together with the lads, we called all 30 people which took a long time. After 30 minutes I left and went to get my daughter.

I called my wife and asked if she had reached home yet and she said yes. When I reached home my daughter asked why I did not come and she does not want the agreement anymore.

I told her I would give it another try which I did. Her events bore me to death. After it was over I could not bear any more of those events.

Anyways she had a dance recital where she got a big part in a group dance performance. She texted me the details and information. I told her I was not coming and she told me I better come.

My wife takes our daughter, and they both ask me to come after I was done helping the boys.

I was helping them disassemble a pneumatic drill and use other motors for their project. We were building a game where you pull levers for the motors (With wood sides attached) to hit the ping pong balls into a slide that elevates it so it can fly into a mini field goal.

I got lost in the project.

When my daughter and wife got home my daughter blew up at me and told me how I should of came and how I am the worst father ever. She stormed into her room and started crying. My wife told me I was horrible for what I did.


Another User Comments:


This is yet another post where a parent isn’t thinking of the long-term consequences of their actions.

With all the information out there about the impact of what a parent’s lack of involvement does to a child, it makes me simultaneously mad and sad for your daughter.

You’re making mistake after mistake, and you’re not getting what your lack of involvement will do to the relationship you have with your daughter.

You make all the effort for your boys, but none for your daughter.

By not going to her events, you’re sending the message that she doesn’t matter to you one iota. She isn’t with your time, your efforts, or your interest. If it isn’t fun for you, to heck with her.

You’d rather miss out on chunks of her life because you don’t want to know her.

You’re missing out on making memories with her and for her to make memories with you! With you being gone so much, she won’t be able to look back and say that her dad was there for her.

She has too look from the sidelines and see her dad having more fun with her brothers than he ever did with her.

You’re going to make her wonder what is wrong with her. Why weren’t you spending time with her? Why weren’t you ever willing to make an effort? Why didn’t you show her that you care?

You’re on the way to making a permanent estrangement with her. Do you want her to view you with the same disdain that you’re showing her with your refusal to be there for her events?

You’re at a crossroads. You can choose to keep doing what you’re doing. Or, you can do some actual introspection.

What you do is up to you.” SupergirlKrypton

Another User Comments:


Congratulations, sir!! You have been added to the prestigious list – AITJs Worst Jerk Dads Ever!! Quite an achievement!!!

Instead of sucking it up like most parents who, if they are able to, go to the events they personally have no interest in but simply want to show love and support, but you… you ignore your daughter in favor of your sons because “you’re bored”.

And she understands that she is not a priority in your life.

Sure, her mother shows up and supports her (and I hope she at least tries to do the same for your boys). But your daughter wants to perform FOR YOU, to make YOU PROUD OF HER in hopes that you will show her the same love and attention you show your sons.

But it’s too boring for you, so screw her feelings, right? Favoritism and sexism at its finest!

So bravo, good sir, on making the Worst Dads list, and also on getting the ball rolling early on those future therapy bills she will most definitely need as an adult to work through the trauma of having an incredibly toxic and sexist father.

Chef’s Kiss.

YTJ.” PTXLover_4Eva

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. You might think that you care about your daughter and love her and treat her well but I can tell you from what you wrote here that that’s not what she’s experiencing.

Her experience is that you’re not interested in her and you don’t care about what she does.

You can’t even be bothered to pretend. She gives you a chance to suck it up and demonstrate that at the very least you would love her performatively and you didn’t even show up for that. She is crushed to discover that you can’t even love her in that way. Again and again, she has begged for you to love her and show interest in her and you continue to decline and prioritize non-time-sensitive tasks over her.

On top of how incredibly hurtful this is to her, you are also laying the groundwork for her to be vulnerable to future bad relationships where she potentially accepts this kind of bullcrap you are putting forward from a partner, where they are completely indifferent to her and her wants, OR but she is intoxicated by any praise or interest shown by a partner, to the point where she flies past other red flags.

Even if you turned on a dime today and started giving your daughter actual affection and interest, I would still suggest therapy to unpack the damage that’s been done. What a doozy.” Healthy_Meal1485

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MOFOW 1 year ago
You are not only the jerk I would say you are the male anatomical appendage! Enjoy your boys because you have totally lost your daughter. Enjoy your boys weddings because you probably won’t even be invited to your daughters.
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10. AITJ For Kicking Relatives From My Wedding Party?

I(27M) have 9 siblings – a biological (my twin brother) and 8 adopted ones.

When our parents (54F, 57M) had us, my mom also had to have a hysterectomy due to a placental problem (placenta acreata), and they weren’t ready to stop with us and they were at a very comfortable place financially (my dad is an only child and his father is an owner of a tire company), so they decided to foster and adopt.

We had our big brother Dorian (34M) in our family in 1998, and after that, we continued to adopt and foster. We adopted Dora in 2002 (25F), Millie (27F) in 1999, our supersonic twins Anna and Elsa (22F) in 2004, our childhood friend Mark 2007 (28M,he was disowned by his family for being gay at age 13), our little princess Ariel (18F) in 2006, and our little speedy Gonzales Miguel in 2012 (11M).

My parents are still active foster parents, and we also currently foster Thomas and Carlos who are twins, and they are also preparing to adopt them (15M both). Miguel, Thomas, and Carlos are the only ones who live at the house, but we all still live near our parents.

Our relatives were always against adoption and when my parents decided to adopt one by one, the ropes were strained bit and except for my dad’s parents, we cut all of them until two years ago, when we had to go to my mom’s brother’s funeral. At there we started to reconnect and we had a somewhat relationship until my wedding.

I got married to my beautiful wife 2 weeks ago and my parents+my siblings were at the front table with my ILs (whom are also lovely people and my wife is an only child so she loves the dynamic and all of my siblings love her.). I am the first wedding among my siblings so it was a big event.

I also called the extended family and while I was arranging tables,I put their tables a little far from us. They complained and asked, “Why don’t we have the front tables, we are much closer to you as blood you know.” I was angry is an understatement. I kicked all of them out and my siblings and parents are torn on the issue.

They think it is great that I defended them but I am really aggressive and I might have tried to talk to them(I kicked all of the extended family in 10 minutes after this text.) The only ones thinking I did right are my wife+my ILs but they are also known to be very short-tempered and I am not the most patient one.


Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I get that your siblings might be uncomfortable being the focus of the drama. Sometimes when a person is attacked (the way your sibs were by your extended family) the tendency is to just want to be quiet and avoid conflict. That is probably where your siblings are coming from.

That said, it was your wedding and you were well within your rights to stop any problems before they escalated. You shouldn’t have to reason with jerk relatives on your wedding day. And I definitely understand the desire to defend your siblings!

Your parents and siblings aren’t jerks for being torn; they totally have a right to their feelings, as long as they aren’t beating you up about it.

The jerks here are your relatives. Even if this wasn’t about adoptive siblings, they are jerks for complaining about their seating assignments. No one should do that unless there is a legitimate issue (e.g a person with limited mobility can’t access their seat easily). Even then, they shouldn’t mention it to the bride and groom if at all avoidable.

Their complaints are extra jerk-y since they are basically downgrading your siblings to strangers just because they are adopted.

Also, seating charts are the worst. People will always find a way to be annoyed (Aunt A won’t sit with Uncle B) or insulted (“They sat us farther away from the head table, they clearly don’t respect us”).

It’s super stressful. Your relatives are horrible because A. They disrespected your siblings and B. They added stress to you on your wedding day.” CosmicGreen_Giraffe3

Another User Comments:

“Yes. YTJ. It was harsh. It was unnecessary. Bad behavior on their part doesn’t excuse bad behavior on your part. Your wife isn’t happy, despite what she says and you’ve started your new life with strife.

You could have finessed this. You could be kind and diplomatic. You could have laughed and said that blood isn’t everything … or you know them better, or pretty much anything than kicking them out of a wedding.

What is it when people get married they trash their relationships by thinking they are entitled to ANY behavior when others aren’t perfect or say the wrong thing or make demands?

You’ll have no relationships if you boot everyone who makes a demand. Learn how to hold your own line, give a little when need be, be kind doing it.

This whole sub is about jerks being jerks to jerks. What a cesspool.” lovebombme2u

Another User Comments:


Here’s the thing. You cut these people out of your lives for a reason.

When you reconnected, your family hoped that they had changed their attitudes about your siblings.

They have not.

They still have their antiquated beliefs regarding blood and family and because of that, they got the boot.

There was no reason to talk to them. If after all this time they still believed what they believed, a single conversation wasn’t going to change that.

Never apologize for what you did.

Let your entire family know they are not welcome in your life anymore…that they had a second chance and they blew it. And you will never apologize for defending your brothers and sisters (don’t even use the word adopted).” The__Riker__Maneuver

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Beenthruit 1 year ago
NTJ. They decided your parents were horrible for adopting a long time ago. (Yay for your parents and your siblings!) It was your wedding, they had no claim on being at the family table. I'm glad you kicked them out. It would have been a huge scene otherwise.
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9. WIBTJ For Wearing A Black Wedding Dress?

“I (21F) am soon to be marrying my beloved fiance (25M) to whom I’ve been engaged to for three years (as we were prioritizing me finishing my degree and getting funds for a house deposit first). We have made a fair few plans and ideas for the wedding already, a small quaint intimate wedding of maybe 50 people tops with a bit more funds put into the honeymoon, and a venue in between my family and his (there’s a two-hour journey from his parents’ house to my parent’s house.

Now here’s the issue. Since I hit my 20s I’ve been starting to truly embrace myself and start to wear what clothes I like the most and make a style for myself. My style mainly consists of gothic/gothic lolita influences, and my wardrobe is 90% black clothes. I’ve recently seen wedding gowns that are black or black and white and I have fallen in love with them, especially ones with lace details.

I haven’t spoken to my fiance much about it (I want to still do the tradition where the groom doesn’t see the wedding dress until the day of) but mentioned the color, and he’s fully supportive of it. However, I made the mistake and mentioned the idea to the other family.

His parents and grandparents aren’t very keen on it, saying it’ll look like “funeral attire” or saying I should instead have a dress in the 1940s style to fit my fiance’s outfit (he’s wearing a ww2 uniform based on our ww2 reenactment hobby).

My parents weren’t keen on my change of style (they’ve never said it openly and always say they support my decisions, but I can tell it’s an adjustment for them), so I know they wouldn’t like the idea of a black wedding dress also. I don’t want an argument with my family but I just want to wear what I’ll be most happy in, and I feel it fits me and my personality more.

I could maybe find a 40s style dress and alter it to be the color I want so it ties into a theme better, as there are some nice ones with lace that could work, but I’m not sure if I’ll end up detailing and altering it so much that I may as well have just bought a gothic looking wedding gown that I’ve been wanting so badly.

I only have one shot at having a good wedding and there’s so much that could go wrong, but I also don’t want to upset my guests or come across as a bridezilla.

Tell me, WIBTJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. It’s your wedding day. The bride isn’t a jerk for doing what makes her happy on her wedding day (within reason, and you’re well within reason).

Fiancé has already said he’s cool with it, which is great as that indicates he either likes your choices or loves you enough to embrace them. It is different for sure, it’s not surprising that your older relatives don’t love it.” muy_carona

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – it looks like you found your happy hun.

Wear your goth dress and smile for the camera, and if anyone complains about it just say, “I’m happy. This dress makes me happy.”

You definitely won’t be a bridezilla for choosing a dress you love. Fashion styles and looks change, but your wedding is a snapshot of who you are at that time.

If you turn in to a Stepford later on, it sounds like a good excuse for some vow renewals!” Wordsmaybeenglish

Another User Comments:

“NTJ! The only people who matter at a wedding are the people getting married – everyone else is just a glorified witness. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice your comfort or style to fit someone else’s idea of a wedding.

You need to be firm with the various family members who are being overly judgey or control-ley and tell them that they do not have to attend your wedding celebration if they don’t like the way you want to dress. Family members are not actually essential ingredients to holding a successful or meaningful wedding, even though ‘tradition’ deems it to be so.

If they really keep on being pushy about it and bringing you down – you could compromise and have your proper wedding and reception the way you want it first and a few weeks later have a traditional wedding party they can 100% pay for. I’ll bet they will choose to zip it and show up to the real deal.

Stick true to your dreams, OP!” AntipodeanOwl

4 points - Liked by LilacDark, elel, Stagewhisperer and 1 more

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Iowhaaat 1 year ago
NTJ. All that matters is the part where you said it's what you wanted and that you talked to your partner and he's supportive. That's it. That's all that matters. It sounds like you've been accommodating and thinking of others as far as the venue and other choices, that's kind of you! Your dress is your dress. I'd personally encourage not going TOO extreme in the look, since your own preferences might change over the years and these photos will hopefully be forever, but even that is MY opinion and doesn't matter! (I'm just thinking of my own personal hair/makeup choices and how those haven't aged well ). Do what makes you and your partner happy. That's all that matters on your wedding. And congratulations!!!
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8. AITJ For Telling My Parents Our Family Will Never Heal?

“I love my parents so I hate when they are hurting so I am conflicted here.

I’m the youngest of five kids. My older sister Kate is who I no longer have anything to do with. Three years ago she announced she was seeing Jeremy, my ex, who not only was unfaithful to me throughout our four-year relationship and got another woman pregnant while we were together but also gave me two STDs.

We had been broken up close to 2 years when Kate makes this announcement. I was furious with her. I asked her how the heck she could do that, how she could expect that to be taken as good news. She told me I broke up with him so it wasn’t fair to say I could never date him.

I told her it wasn’t the point. The point was he had risked my health and my life with all his sleeping around and passing diseases on to me. She told me I would need to get over it because they were serious about each other.

I announced that day I would no longer have Kate in my life.

My parents and other siblings followed suit and she has been (mostly) ignored. I told them they can continue to see Kate, but we are never going to be in the same room again and we are not “family”. Everyone (except for extended family who are placed at a distance now because of this) has been so understanding.

But recently my parents made a comment about not being able to wait for the day our family heals. I asked what they meant and they said surely Kate will see sense one day and maybe we can all get to a better place. I understood where they were coming from and I let it go.

But it bothered me that they might be holding onto hope. So I sat down with them another day and explained that even if Kate breaks up with him (which is unlikely because rumors are going around that she’s pregnant) I would never forgive her for going there. I told them there was no coming back from her dismissal of what he did to me.

I told them our family won’t heal the way they want. Both of them said they understood and apologized and told me they would never bring it up again. My mom kept asking how Kate could do that, how could they have raised her to be so dumb and dismissive?

After that conversation, one aunt who had not been part of the extended family cut-off asked why my parents seemed to have totally given up on Kate and I told her that they must have come to terms with it.

She said she knew I said something, because before when she would talk, there was hope for potential reconciliation someday. I told her that I made it clear to my parents that it wouldn’t happen and she told me I was cruel for ending that dream. That it wasn’t hurting anyone. I said it would hurt them if Kate and Jeremy broke up and it wasn’t enough for me.

She told me my parents hardly have any contact with Kate, for me, and that the least I could do is let them have false hope.


Another User Comments:


This is about your sister’s betrayal and her lack of remorse, compassion and understanding for what happened to you. Her actions in having a relationship with this person add to the problems, but the basic problem is the sister’s attitude and behavior towards you.

Her choosing this relationship is also her dismissing and belittling the pain and damage done to you as if it were nothing. She’s chosen to support your mistreater, not her sister.

That’s betrayal. There’s no rebuilding trust sometimes. It’s okay to accept that and acknowledge it. Doesn’t mean you hate her or are trying to control her.

Just means that you can see the reality for being a reality. False hope can do its own real damage. I think you and your parents are amazing in how you are handling this.” blueberryyogurtcup

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. Kate is dumb and disloyal, but I honestly think you’re vindictive here. On the face of it you’re in the right but honestly, he’s an ex – who cares what he does now, you learned and you dumped him.

Maybe he grew up, most people do eventually. If you have moved on, you have no right to tell anyone else he’s off-limits. If she wants your sloppy seconds that’s fine. But I do think you’re being nasty, you’ve had plenty of time to calm down and get your head around it but the fact that everyone else supported your Kate ban, means you have not addressed the future for your parent’s sake, you’re still stuck in the mud.

This is their daughter. This is their grandchild. You’ve punished your sister plenty now, can you not let it go for their sake? Every time you see Kate the worst thing will be knowing she saddled herself with this tosser, but that’s her choice. Grow up. Move on. Smile sweetly and thank god that’s not you!” Interesting_Bake3824

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Seems like there’s a minimal conflict here about the conflict you’re actually asking about. You said your piece, and your parents understood and made their peace. Your aunt may think you’re a jerk but what business does she have with your and your parents’ relationship?

What Katie did to you was unforgivable, and you were right to warn your parents that even if she breaks up with Jeremy you wouldn’t forgive her.

With that said, I do find it a bit extreme for your parents to cut contact with Katie. Even if they disagree with her and they’re on your side, they don’t need to cut contact. That was their own personal choice. So, be happy that you have such supportive parents, but don’t make your parents choose between their two daughters.” stunted_jest

Another User Comments:

“NTJ: I am glad that your family saw what she did was wrong. This has nothing to do with the fact that you dated him this has to do with his character and what kind of person he is.

Pretty much losing her family did not make her change her mind, which to be honest, means she is not even worth wasting any of your guy’s time over.

I hope eventually she wakes up when she realizes that she lost all of her family, but if she is now pregnant, she never will. But you guys need to stand firm and not have anything to do with her.

Also, reassure your parents that you can raise your children perfectly and still end up with a bad apple.

Which she clearly is.” mauve55

3 points - Liked by elel, Stagewhisperer and lebe

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Morning 1 year ago
NTJ for cutting contact with Kate, but YTJ for expecting your parents to never see Kate again. Quite likely the relationship with Kate and ex will end in a horrible mess. But maybe it won't.
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7. AITJ For Asking My Sister To Delete Her Trending Videos?

“I really don’t know where I fit on this, because I can tend to be a little emotional at times or easily embarrassed over little things.

I have an older sister (23) who is obsessed with TikTok. She has a decent following (around 5k).

One of her TikTok videos started trending recently and hit around 300k views.

What this means for this argument is that many people that I know personally have seen this video.

The video isn’t horrible but it’s about me. It doesn’t include my name, face, or identifying details (I’m just labeled “sister”), but it includes personal information about something embarrassing I’ve done in the past growing up, basically just telling a funny story.

But I don’t think the video is very funny, cause it paints me in a bad light for something I did when I was 6 (no mention of age in the video, just “Remembering when my sister did thing” on top of a popular audio.)

A bunch of people I know have sent me the video and asked me if it was true, if it was about me, etc. They went through her account and found more stories about the “sister”, and sent them to me.

More embarrassing stories about myself being shared without my knowledge or consent.

This isn’t the first time she’s posted about me but this is her first video to go trending. I don’t use TikTok ever so I don’t know how many she’s posted, and I never knew she was posting anything about me. If I knew earlier I would’ve gotten mad before too and asked her to delete them.

So I went up to her and said it was embarrassing for her to post stories about me without telling me, and that I want her to delete the videos about me since I don’t want more people to find those videos and hear those stories about me. She also has her Instagram linked to her TikTok and I’m in a lot of photos with her, so it’s easy to find me on Instagram if anyone wanted to (I don’t know if anyone actually would.)

She responded that since my name and personal details aren’t in the stories, it’s not tied to me and not embarrassing at all. And when I told her people found the videos she just said “you could’ve said it was fake, nobody would know.” I have autism so I find it hard to lie, and it didn’t occur to me that I could’ve lied about it being real. She said that she has every right to share those stories and make jokes out of them and it won’t matter because people won’t remember it anyway.

She then called me a jerk for suggesting she delete all the videos about me, including her trending one since her TikTok was blowing up with new followers. I called her a jerk for using my embarrassing stories to get attention. She then told me to go away and I left it at that.

She does have a point that most people will forget and that my identity is protected, so I don’t know if I really a jerk for asking her to delete these, because she has been trying to grow her TikTok for so long and now she finally is.


Another User Comments:


She is getting popular partially by bullying and harassing you, that is gross.

I’d probably be posting a “sister here, she is making this up for views” under all of the videos where she mentions me (since she said it’s ok to say it’s fake), and asking her to remove me entirely from her social media.

I’d be also enriching the comments with embarrassing stories about her, without mentioning her name.” tatasz

Another User Comments:


The only tricky part about this is that she’s sharing her memories, which are a part of her life experience and who she is. If you look at it from that perspective, then she has a right to talk about these things.

But I think most people would agree that these stories are more intimate to you, and because you’ve asked her not to share them, the decent thing for her to do would be to delete the videos and refrain from talking about you in the future.

What your sister fails to understand is that sometimes a person can have every right in the world to do something, but still be an ass for doing it.” Red-belliedOrator

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. You are both adults and your sister has every right to use her family memories for a creative project. Imagine telling a comedian that they had to get permission to mention a family screwup in their act! Or that someone can’t mention their family in their memoir.

Is she the jerk?

Not if she gave no personally identifiable information other than “her sister.” It is mind-baffling that so many people think that her videos are actionable with the host company. Whine to your parents. Complain to your sister. Or just ignore it. Good grief.” Ronville

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. At the end of the day, her saying it’s not identifying and that nobody will remember is false when people have directly contacted you and now know these personal stories about you that they wouldn’t have otherwise.

If you could say it was fake and nobody would know, she can make up fake stories and nobody will know either.

And if she doesn’t want to make up fake stories maybe you should both have a think about why she doesn’t want to, and what that means for the notion of “just say it’s fake and everybody will believe it’s fake and never think these are things that could have happened to you.”” Lennvor

3 points - Liked by elel, lebe and OpenFlower

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MOFOW 1 year ago
You can always do the same back to her see how she likes all her embarrassing moments put out for all to see
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6. WIBTJ For Asking For Proof Of My Inheritance?

“So my grandad passed away last summer and recently I received half of my inheritance. My mum told me she’d be keeping the other half until I set up a savings account, so I don’t spend it all on things that don’t matter.

(I do have a bad habit of impulsive spending due to untreated ADHD so this isn’t an issue.) The problem is, I don’t trust her to give me the rest, and to have told the truth about how much I got. Maybe I’m being a bit paranoid, but my parents have been difficult with finances in the past.

I used to work for my parents at their cafe before I moved out, and they were always a little tricky with my wages. They’d tend to round to the nearest $5.94 (even if that was down), and because I lived with them, they refused to pay me immediately after my shift ended. Sometimes it would take a couple of weeks for them to pay me for one shift. When I got older (and moved to a higher minimum wage bracket) they refused to increase my wages, insisting on paying me $5.94 an hour.

The minimum wage was $7.80 for 18 to 20-year-olds, so they were underpaying me.

The summer before I moved out for uni, things kinda exploded. I reminded my parents once again that they needed to pay me actual minimum wage for my work before a shift, and at the end of the 4hr shift they refused to pay me at all, saying that I should just “be happy to help out.” Obviously, we got into a big argument over this, and I’m convinced it was because I told them they needed to pay me more since this kind of thing had never happened when I was 16-17.

Eventually, I got my wages and we made up, but then a few days later they asked me to come to work again and told me I wouldn’t be paid this time either. I didn’t come to work at all, and we got into an even bigger argument. My parents told me I should just be happy that they fed and clothed me, and I was being ungrateful over just £10.

On results day (when I got the grades to get into a top uni), my mom told me she was too disgusted to even look at me, and she wouldn’t be driving me to uni, I’d have to get on the train for 8hrs with all my stuff. After that, I stayed up in my room for over a week, didn’t talk to them at all, and just lived off snacks and things I could get from downstairs when they were out at work.

My dad ended up taking me to uni, and if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have had savings to eat for the first couple of weeks I was there.

So that’s why I don’t trust my parents at all when it comes to financial issues, and I feel pretty justified in that. I just feel like it would be a huge jerk move to ask to see proof, especially since my mum is still grieving her dad.

Not only that, but she’s had to completely cut off contact with her sister, and she might be divorcing my stepdad, so things have been Really Difficult for her the past year. I’d just feel so incredibly guilty about asking, but I just can’t trust her to tell me the truth.

WIBTJ for asking about my inheritance?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I can see why you’re both wary of your parents’ financial management, and why you don’t want to rock the boat.

However, a few things:

Find out the executor of the will. It sounds like your mother, but it might not be. This could be valuable information, especially if it isn’t her and you have to go around her.

You are a legal adult now, and you have every right and reason to know about your inheritance. It is YOURS. Yes, your mother’s reasoning for a savings account is sensible, but even if you did decide to fritter it away, it is YOURS to do so, if you so wish. I’m pretty darn sure that she has no right to withhold it from you, even if she is the executor.

She has proven that she cannot be trusted with your finances in the past.

Regarding savings accounts, I recommend looking at NS&I, if you want to sock something away where it’ll be safe for a while, and check the RPI (Retail Price Index, which should hopefully be inflation-proof savings). Alternatively, Nationwide has never steered me wrong.

Your mother in particular has veered into emotional maltreatment in the past, over finances. This is a cold fact. She’s tried to manipulate you over a relatively small amount of change, guilt you over the ‘fed and clothed’ business (which is her legal obligation as your parent until you’re 18, but hey, way to go for the bare minimum).

She claims you made a fuss over about $11.98? She threw a full-on tantrum, called you disgusting, and refused to drive you to uni, over that same sum, while also trying to guilt you into working for free.

The best way I can think of to put this to your mother is to say that, as a student and a legal adult, you want to audit your own finances, to know what you have and where.

You want to start managing them in earnest, so you can plan for student loan repayments, housing, and your future career. Lay out a plan for a savings account, say where you intend to put it – again, while it’s your finances and your business, doing this should hopefully cut your mother’s argument off at the knees.

I wish you the best of luck.” Reddit User

Another User Comments:


Your Mom MUST legally let you see the will. It was probably done through an attorney, so if you can somehow trick her into telling you who that was, you can ask them for a copy. Or you can go through your Mother’s papers when she is away.

If those things don’t work. Demand a copy. Her emotions are her’s to sort, not yours. Don’t not ask because you are worried about what she is going through.

She cannot keep your inheritance for you. You are not a minor. She has to give it to you. Hopefully, she hasn’t already spent it.

Stand up for yourself.” Maybeidontknow99

Another User Comments:


Everything is screaming to me that there is no will. Mom happened to be the one who had access to the accounts and now is playing fast and loose with those funds.

Since grandfather passes – Mom and Sister no longer speak. Mom and Stepdad are on the verge of divorce, Mom gave OP a small piece saying only to watch him blow through it and is like screw that, no more for him.

I am guessing there is no paperwork, OP wasn’t left anything and Mom will get it all.” Laines_Ecossaises

2 points - Liked by REHICKS72 and Stagewhisperer

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Beenthruit 1 year ago
NTJ. I have a feeling your Inheritance is long gone thanks to your mom and that's why she won't give you any information about it.
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5. AITJ For Pointing Out My Brother's Bad Hygiene?

” “To start I want to say, I’ve inquired about if he’s depressed or anything along those lines many times over the years. He claims he just doesn’t care and isn’t depressed, which I believe he’s an overall very happy and talkative person.

My brother 21m, has been staying with me 26f and my husband 28m because he carpools to work with my husband and likes to get a break from staying with my mom.

My mom and I are always getting on his butt about being hygienic. Always have to tell him to shower, brush his teeth, etc. and he always just laughs it off and says he doesn’t care. It truly boils down to him being lazy because he just sits in his room, smokes, plays video games til 2 am, and will sleep all day if he isn’t working.

(He works on and off for my father in law so he kinda picks and chooses when he wants to work)

I mean he is the epitome of laziness, just yesterday I finally drove him around and basically forced him to get his state ID bc I’m sick of having to buy his vapes and adult beverages for him.

The past week I’ve been at my wit’s end. I have 3 children and him being here is like having another child. He doesn’t contribute to my household which is whatever but he will open a can of soda, drink half of it, then leave it somewhere and open a new one. I wake up every day to cans, wrappers, and cups all around my couch where he sleeps doesn’t fold up his blanket, doesn’t put his dishes in the sink, leaves his clothes on the bathroom floor, etc. which is whatever I’m a stay at home mom so I’m used to spending my days cleaning though my own husband doesn’t even create that much extra work for me.

But what I can’t stand is the personal filth he exhibits. He told my mom and me a few weeks ago he can count on one hand the number of times he’s brushed his teeth this year and just laughs about it.

Last night I was fed up, he worked on a roof with his friend Sunday and came home late clearly filthy from the work he did and refused to shower, sleeps on my new couches in his filth but I didn’t feel like arguing so I just went to bed. Last night, over 24 hours later I noticed how greasy and gross he still looked and asked if he had showered yet, he hadn’t.

I lost it, and told him how disgusting it was and rude to lounge on my couch all day in literal filth. Told him his hygiene practices are repulsive and no wonder he doesn’t try getting a partner as they probably always dump him when they realize what a dirty bum he is. Told him to grow up and start being at least somewhat clean because it disgusts me and many others.

I went off like this for a good 10 mins before he finally just got up and took a shower. Later last night I heard him talking crap about me on the phone to my mom and while she’s on my side today I feel like maybe I was too harsh and maybe should apologize when he gets home today.


Another User Comments:

“Y-T-J for not writing up the house rules and making him sign that he agrees to follow them. The penalty for not following them is a 30-day notice to vacate.

Just kidding about the jerk thing. You are most definitely NTJ for expecting your tenant/brother to respect your personal property and follow the house rules.

Why on earth are you running his errands while he’s on the couch?

Stop being this kid’s unpaid personal assistant and start being his landlord. He follows the rules or he can get the heck out.

I mean this in the kindest possible way – please grow a backbone before your kids are teenagers.

NTJ.” throwaway20698059

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. But I would strongly encourage therapy for your brother. I’ve had depression for a really long time, and in the beginning, it was the stereotypical crying and feeling sad all the time. After years and years of dealing with it, I just became numb and didn’t care about anything.

I could still laugh and be around my family but that didn’t mean I was mentally healthy. I had periods of not showering, brushing my teeth, brushing my hair (oh man was that a mess to untangle), and just plaid video games (this is a coping mechanism for me – albeit one that can easily turn negative if not monitored).

I also had NO social life, no friends, and didn’t leave the house.

However, I’m not sure about going out dirty, as I also have anxiety and do not want to be judged so I pretend to look normal when I need to go out/people come over. The joking about hygiene can go either way, he could just find it funny or it could be his way of deflecting feeling embarrassed by calling himself out

Oh and another thing, I also do not have my license despite being in my early to mid-twenties – because I cannot find the motivation to practice and get anxious when I do drive (I know, I’m working on it). It is also possible that he is depressed AND lazy.” gfx33

Another User Comments:

“YTJ, but not for telling him to take a shower! YTJ for enabling his repulsive behavior and encouraging his BS. Newsflash: you didn’t HAVE to run all over town getting his state ID. You can just say, no, I’m not buying your vapes and drinks for you, that is not my responsibility. Eventually, if he wants vapes and drinks badly enough he will get off his butt and get his ID.

OP, I feel for you because I’ve been in similar situations and it feels like you “have to” take care of the person because that’s what you’ve been trained to think. But you are making yourself miserable and actively preventing him from growing/taking responsibility for himself. I learned this lesson the long and hard way with my own father, and I can’t stress this enough: You shielding him from the consequences of his actions is making him worse, not better.

Give yourself strength by making a plan that includes your mom, your husband, etc., and sit down with him to say that this situation is not working for you. Come up (collaboratively, with him) with a list of rules and consequences. Express things from an “I” perspective (e.g. not “you’re lazy”, but “I’m overwhelmed and can’t keep picking up after you”) Let him know that if there’s a hint of aggression it’s an immediate expulsion, with cops if necessary.

If he’s not willing to come to the table, it’s “I love and care about you, but I can’t have you in my home anymore, pack your stuff tonight.”

Start modeling some healthy boundaries, because your kids are watching, and they’re absorbing whatever you do into their self-concept of how they should allow themselves to be treated (and also how they should treat you as they get older).” SomeoneSomewhere980

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. However, you are not helping your own situation. He is 21. He is couch surfing and you provide him with free room and board. He is working but does not contribute anything to your household or your mother’s household. You are carding him around and buying his vapes and drinks! And on top of that, he is doing his best to ruin your new furniture as well as wasting your bucks.

Girl, you are absolutely enabling him. It’s time to have a come to Jesus meeting. Whether he’s staying with you or at your mom’s house, he should be paying rent. Even if that rent only includes covering his fair share of the food, that is better than nothing. No one should have to tell a Neuro typical adult man that he needs to shower and brush his teeth daily.

He needs to understand that the only way that he will be allowed to stay at your house is if he starts to contribute, respects that this is your house and that he is only staying there, and that he needs to grow up and practice good hygiene. If he’s not willing to do those things, then you need to set a boundary which includes him not being able to stay with you.

You are teaching your children that it is OK for them to disrespect you the way he has been. Do you want them to grow up to be like your brother?” MamaOfBeachBums

2 points - Liked by Rock42 and OpenFlower

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Foofer 1 year ago
Both. NTJ for telling him off, but yes for how you went about it. This is where you lie. "A friend asked [...]" ... mention health issues, mental health, somebody was asking..... you care as a sibling, you want him to get a complete health exam... i have some issues [mild autism] and dont really care about most stuff; i sometimes forget to brush my teeth [i do about 4 of 7 days, im getting better] but yes i shower and wash every other day, unless i sweat/workout .... get you moms to help and get him checked out, or kick him out
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4. AITJ For Not Wanting My Sister To Attend My Funeral Or Know About My Current State Of Health?

“I (F) have an older estranged sister, by estranged I mean she moved to the state the rest of our family lives in to decide she hates us and move away from us, but be close enough that it’s annoying when she doesn’t answer your texts that you are in her town.

Anyway, when our brother passed away she decided not to go back to our home state to go to the funeral because she was worried about the “drama” so instead in the wee hours of the morning two days after his passing she made a group chat of the remaining siblings and our mother to tell us how we were awful people and that she’s not coming to the funeral. Claimed we never reach out and honestly, she did bring up some stuff from our childhood that wasn’t so great but it just definitely wasn’t the time to hash it out.

It was literally just her kicking us while we are down. Then I found out to have cancer. I had to have a surgery that was life-threatening to remove most of it, so I had to make a power of attorney, I chose my other sister, as she was in charge of everything for our brother’s med emergencies and his funeral and she did amazing.

The night before my surgery I wrote my final wishes for my sister if I was to not come out of surgery. Rule number 1: problematic sister is not to attend my funeral Rule number 2: upon hearing of my death, my siblings and mother were to block her so she could not use my death as a weapon as she did our brothers.

And then just basic stuff like if I’m a vegetable, please let me die at home and no Christianity at my funeral; I’m pagan. Luckily, I survived my surgery but I’m still battling cancer, and my rules still stand if I lose this fight. Then a couple of weeks after my surgery, I found out my dad (who still has a good relationship with her) had been giving her updates since I got sick, I had my other sister (power of attorney) tell him I did not want that.

I feel like while I’m sick I should have the right to make these choices to protect myself and my family. But some people have said I’m just being cruel as she might want to make peace when I die and she deserves to know how her sister with cancer is but I don’t know.

Am I the jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, but here’s the thing: as much as you think setting these rules are protecting your family, the reality is that once you’re gone, it’s up to your family to protect themselves. They have every opportunity to block her etc. and it’s okay to give them permission to do that.

At the same time, you cannot predict every scenario and it could be that these rules put them in a situation where they’re torn between what they feel is right/want to do and honoring your wishes, which is a heartbreaking situation I wouldn’t wish on anyone. You can ask your dad not to update her on the situation, but assuming you also have family friends that talk to her it may be that she is able to find out the information regardless.

Whatever you decide to do, I would make your wishes clear and then try and focus on the good that you can. Being so filled with anger and hate doesn’t do anyone good, especially if the worst happens. Try to, if you can, focus on making memories with your family and the good that you have.

You can’t force your sister to be a better person but you can make sure that your remaining family knows how much they’re loved.

I have no idea why your sister cut and run, but trauma can do a lot to a person if that truly is the case. And it could be that the trauma of whatever your mother has done has leaked into her relationships with people who are around your mother.

It’s really hard (speaking as someone with a lot of personal trauma) to have a relationship with people who still have ties to the person who created the trauma. A part of you cannot fathom the idea that another person can see any good in the trauma caused. I hope for her sake that she gets therapy and can work through whatever is going on.

But like I said you cannot force her to be a better person but you can hope that she can find that.” DarkroomGymnast

Another User Comments:

“YTJ, really. I’m sorry you’re going through a difficult time. You said your sister brought up some stuff from your childhoods. When a relative dies, people think about their families and they talk about things, good or bad.

It’s not always easy to hear, but their need to say it is as valid as your wish not to hear it.

It’s not up to you to decide what “protection” your family might need if you die. And really it shouldn’t be up to you who goes to the funeral. Funerals are for the benefit of the living, not the dead, and you won’t know who’s there or not there.” Kirstemis

Another User Comments:

“ESH. After reading some of your replies about why your sister went low/no contact I don’t understand you excluding her if you “stayed out of” her conflict with your mom.

I went through something similar with my parents, specifically my dad. He disowned me because I wouldn’t let him manipulate me anymore and the next time I had contact with him was at my grandfather’s funeral. My sisters gave me crap for keeping my distance and tried to force me to reconcile even though my dad refused to apologize for what he did.

My oldest sister then went no contact with me because she refused to believe our dad could do anything wrong.

Honestly, it was really stressful to get that pressure while I was mourning my grandfather and was just trying to keep my head down.

Look at it from her side, it sounds like she got a lot of crap as a kid and understandably was concerned about drama popping up.

It sounds like she could have been a bit more diplomatic but she lost a sibling too.

All that to say it’s your choice who knows about your condition, and it’s not okay for your dad to pass along that to your sister without permission.

Good luck with your treatments, I hope you beat this cancer.

I encourage you to reconsider your relationship with your sister and why she went no contact. I’m thankful at this time I’ve reconciled with my mom and sister (my other sister never cut ties with me) and we are closer than ever.” dragonkeeperemme

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, but it might be kind to allow your remaining family to talk to her about you after the funeral if you don’t recover, just so that your other sister and any remaining family would have the opportunity to make peace in the future without feeling like they’re disrespecting you.

Obviously, it’s completely your choice and I don’t think that anyone should be sharing details of your medical problems without your consent, and honestly, I think it’s within your rights to ban your sister from your funeral, I just think it’s worth considering how everything will affect the family members you do have a good relationship with after your death.

I don’t think it’s fair to ask you to be selfless while you’re dealing with cancer just because you might die, though. An illness like that is wildly unfair and I think that you should be focused on putting yourself first right now. The rest of your family are adults, and they can handle their own emotions, whatever you decide.” Z-PS

1 points - Liked by OpenFlower

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Jazzy 1 year ago
NTJ. It's your life/ death.
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3. AITJ For Telling Off My Mother-In-Law For Saying My Baby Is Just Like Her Son?

Hearing that gets old after a while.

“I (23F) and my (24M) partner, let’s call him “R” have a beautiful 9-month-old daughter together. R and I have always thought our daughter, “E”, looks just like me and he is the first to admit it (and is not upset by this at all). R and E share similar enough features to where you can tell she is his like they have the same eyes and ears, but overall E is my twin.

We share pretty much every other feature with one another. I don’t mind the “she looks like her dad” comments because I get my fair share of “she looks like mom” moments, but what drives me absolutely insane is when my MIL (47F) does it.

Nothing is ever from me or my side of the family.

It is always, always her son. My dad and I have black hair, as does E, R has dirty blonde hair and MIL is blonde. However, “E has black hair because R did as a baby.” My mom has baby pictures of me making faces that look identical to E’s that cannot deny she is my mini-me and I’m sure if you put those pictures side by side you wouldn’t be able to tell who is who, yet MIL claims that R did just that, too, so she must have got it from him.

E is a very smart little girl and picks up on her milestones very fast, and even though R and I have mentioned more than once to all family members that we were practically the same as infants, MIL says E gets her intelligence from her dad. There are more instances like these, which have always yanked my chain, but I’ve bit my tongue trying to be nice.

My breaking point was yesterday, we had gone over for a family dinner and E was sitting up eating some food when MIL commented how R ate just like that as a baby. I finally told her that “not everything that has to do with E comes from R. All babies eat like that, pretty much, they’re babies and they shove things into their mouths all messy like.

E does have traits that come from me and my side of the family, as well, and not everything is about your side of the family.”

We left shortly after as it quickly became very awkward. R hasn’t said anything to me about the situation, but he got a text from his mother saying she was very upset I spoke to her like that.

I thought I was just making the comment that I did, as I was very upset with her always claiming that everything about E was from R. So, AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“ESH. When nothing that matters is at stake, and in this scenario, the only thing at stake is a minor ego-boost, take the path of least resistance.

The path of least resistance looks like the high road, but it is not. It’s just the choice that makes your life easy. You internally roll your eyes as much as you want and externally say “wow, that’s great” or “oh, really, he was a messy eater as a baby- that’s crazy.” in a neutral tone & change the subject.

I mean, if she was criticizing your medical decisions with your kid or making a copy of your keys and rearranging your furniture when you were out, you’d be in the rightfully enraged territory. As it is it’s just insecurity and her reliving her time as a mom.

You know your kid is a combo of you and your husband who will one day be its own individual, so why bother even letting it get to you on this one?

Pick battles wisely.” ErnestBatchelder

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. Don’t all grandmothers do this? My MIL did this with me and the ex-husband when my daughter was born (and then when my son was born). My daughter is my mini, for sure. Even cries like me. It was annoying sometimes but it wasn’t that big of a deal.

I think it’s funny you were getting jealous that your husband was getting credit for what your child looked like. Is it that really that big of a deal? Do you want your MIL to bathe you in praise of how much she looks like you, acts like you, etc? She didn’t know you as a baby.

I would guess if she has seen pictures of you as a baby, she has long forgotten. You are being ridiculous and unreasonable.

Apologize to her. That was a jerk thing to say. She was just excited about the baby and reliving life when her baby (your husband) was a baby. Geez. Overreact much?” SmurfandStickyNotes

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. My mother-in-law does the same thing. My first child is a red head, like my mother was, and I slightly am. MIL says it comes from their side because one of the second cousins has red hair.


Now we have a second daughter, who has blonde hair and blue eyes like me, and apparently, that also comes from them.

As well as the pale complexion, rosy cheeks and freckles (they’re olive-skinned Italians).

It’s one of those little annoyances that seem very dismissible, but when you realize why they’re doing it, and it goes on for 8 years it becomes far less acceptable and you’re better off nipping it in the bud before they escalate it.

Especially since you may not always be around and they (like mine) may get more acidic in how they try to undermine your connections.” Apprehensive-Tie-130

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. I get it. My daughter is my twin. No one outside of MIL has ever recognized any resemblance to my husband. People often joke that she was just cloned from me.

He takes this in stride, saying he married a beautiful woman so of course, he wanted his child to look like me. MIL won’t let up. She had two sons who look just like their fathers and she wants someone to look like her and if they don’t, they better look like her son. My MIL takes credit for absolutely bizarre things, not just intelligence and habits.

My child has a bothersome but not life-threatening medical condition that causes her emotional distress. MIL claims this. Of all the things to proclaim your grandchild inherited from you, the distressing medical issue is the one you take?! Like I’ll be happy to tell kiddo you’re to blame for her upset over her issue, but I wouldn’t.

I always remind my girl she’s thriving and will outgrow this issue.

But even through all of this… you don’t win awards for being rude about it. It’s completely normal for a grandmother to do this. You need to peacefully coexist with people who bug you because they’re not trying to get under your skin.

I have 7+ years of practice when my MIL does this and I recognize no one believes MIL that everything is about my husband. Aunties recognize she’s being ridiculous. You could have played the long game, but you lashed out.” wildferalfun

1 points - Liked by Rock42 and BPanny

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Rock42 1 year ago
YTJ, if this is the only thing that grandmother does, count your lucky stars. So she is happy that baby is like your husband. So what??? Let it go! There are so many other things to be upset about. Just because she recognizes her baby did certain things before shouldnt upset you this much. I would apologize unless she does other things that are actually mean. If you love your husband, you just put up with a bit of comments instead of making things akward and hard feelings with the people he also loves. It's not that big of a deal. Learn to pick your battles. Maybe read some of the other outrageous stories about monster in laws and consider yourself lucky.
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2. WIBTJ For Suing My Cousin For Refusing To Pay Me For Work?

“I did some work for my cousin at the beginning of the year. She really needed help with a job she took on editing a video and I spent countless hours working on it for her.

She took the video, gave it to her client, the client loved it but I haven’t been paid. Every time I ask about the invoice, she gives an arbitrary date, then when the date comes, nothing. She doesn’t even give an update.

She claims she has no savings, yet she has a staff job, owns her own business, has other contractors she’s paid, and recently came back from a vacation.

She is also currently upset at me because I called her out for not doing her job (we worked together for another company).

On July 19, we had this exchange through text.

Me: Hi (name), do you know when you will be able to pay the outstanding invoice?

Cousin: Will pay as soon as I can.

Thanks for only reaching out to me when you need something.

Me: I’d like a firm date or payment plan of installments by the end of the week, please.

Cousin: Goodbye (name). I’ll get it to you as soon as I can. Nobody wants to be in debt to you trust me.

Me: Please provide a plan on how to pay the invoice by the end of the week.


Cousin: Goodbye!

I hear nothing from her. Of course. On August 22, we had this exchange.

Me: HI (name), it has been over a month since I asked you for a payment plan for the invoice. No matter how you feel about me or whatever is going on, you still have an obligation to pay the outstanding invoice and be communicative regarding it.

I am asking again, when will the invoice be paid or when do you plan on beginning on making payments? Please let me know asap. Hope you are well.

She never responded, even though I send a text the next day to follow up.

I start getting upset and on Sept. 2nd I sent:

Me: Following up.

Again. Please let me know what you plan to do. I don’t care if you don’t like me or whatever, but you can’t just ignore me because you don’t want to pay.

Cousin: (name) the fact that you think “I don’t want to pay you because you think I don’t like you” is hilarious and disappointing.

I wish I had the funds to pay you and will get it to you as soon as I can. You absolutely do not have to remind me. You have disappointed me enough. When I get the amount, I promise I will pay you.

To which I responded. Me: I’ve texted you about this for months, and you stop responding after telling me ‘no ones to be indebted to me.’ Pay me then.

I’m tired of you pretending you are in the right here. I did a job for you in January, and you’ve promised many times to pay and now you don’t even try to pay any thing? You are wrong here and I need to know when you can pay me and stop playing games.

She’s not responded.

I feel she’s taking advantage of me and the fact that she is mad at me to not pay. I’m tired of this and I want my pay, and I feel like the only way is to teach her a lesson and sue her in small claims court. But she’s family and I wonder if I’d be a jerk doing so.


Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You’ve got 2 options: sue to collect or let it go.

If you sue, which you have every right to do, the relationship with this cousin and their part of the family is over. There will be fallout, and it will likely land on more than just you and your cousin.

Parents will take sides, this will become a proxy fight for other older fights. Is the pay worth that to you?

Option 2: let it go as the cost of a lesson. That lesson being to never do professional work for this person. Never loan them a penny, never offer to be a reference, never help on projects.

AND NEVER MENTION THE INVOICE AGAIN. You’ll want to. You’ll have every right to. But all it will do is cloud the situation and make things worse. When your cousin asks for help again, be busy. Apologize, but be busy. Maybe refer your cousin to somebody else, and then warn that person to get an agreed on a price before work starts.

In either case, you can write this invoice off as a deduction on your taxes (in the US). I’ve had to do that a few times with friend / family clients. It’s sucks but it’s something.

Never loan time, talent, or change to family. If it can’t be a gift, then don’t do it.” kevwelch

Another User Comments:

“NTJ –

Yeah, she has NO intention of paying you as I am sure you already know.

You’ve been professional and MORE than fair and patient…and since you just won’t let it go she ran to mommy. I am sure she is bad-mouthing you in your professional circle so I wouldn’t feel bad about not only taking her to small claims court – but leave a bad review for her personal business that she does not pay her debts to contractors/freelancers.

Tell family that BECAUSE she is family you have been more than fair and patient but she continues to lie to you about payment and has not attempted to make even the smallest payment and has used change due to you to do other things such as go on vacation. You have bills to pay as well and shouldn’t have to beg “FAMILY” to be paid for work you’ve done.

Good luck and let us know what happens!” 1moreKnife2theheart

Another User Comments:

“If I were you, I would ask myself, “do I NEED the pay (regardless of the amount) or do I just want the pay because it’s due to me?” Because if you are really in need of the pay, then sue her and get your dues.

But if it’s the latter, you should do absolutely nothing.

So I’ve had this problem with a few of my family members and 2 of my close friends. In my case it was unpaid loans. So when I figured I wasn’t getting the pay back I let it rock each time. Didn’t treat them any different than I did before, as far as my genuine love and greetings when in each other’s presence.

Believe me when I tell you, out of the 2 family members and the 2 friends they all came to me again (after years have passed, relationships still good) and guess what I did? Kept it with them, and basically pointed out to them 1-we we’re good before, during, and after the funds, that you still owe me.

2-as much as I would like to help, but I cannot until I am repaid.

I know you’re not me, and I don’t expect you to do things my way. But I’ll tell you, the guilt will eat her up and she will come to you.

Or, as said, you can sue her and get your pay.

Hope it works out for you all.” Nervous_Limit6877

0 points - Liked by Stagewhisperer

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Beenthruit 1 year ago
NTJ and you're going to have to sue her to get your money.
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1. AITJ For Moving Out While My Sibling Is Experiencing Terminal Cancer?

Situations like these are never easy.

“So my only sibling has terminal cancer. It doesn’t look good and it is absolutely devastating. I’m in my early twenties, and my sibling is mid-twenties. It has been heck watching my sibling deteriorate- no treatment has helped, not even the experimental ones.

So that’s where we are right now. Life is pretty much heck at home.

My sibling has a lot of mobility and incontinence issues due to diagnosis, and as a result, my father has become their 100% caregiver.

As has my mom. They haven’t left the house in weeks, because it takes both of them to help my sibling in the bathroom.

My father hasn’t had a full night’s sleep in months.

He is running himself ragged. My sibling’s cognition isn’t good and the entire house is just heck. My sibling snaps and yells a lot. My father’s sole purpose is now to help my sibling move about. It’s like my dad is gone, and it isn’t healthy.

I have offered to pay for a caregiver to stay for 2 12-hour shifts a week to help my sibling, so my dad can have some time to rest and recharge.

He’s going to overwork himself, and I’m worried about his health at this point. I haven’t had time with my dad uninterrupted in months.

It came to a head today when we were arguing. I told him straight up that I need a parent, and he’s failing me as one. I have a job and don’t pay rent to the house, so would he please let me have a caregiver come to help so we can have some time together?

He looked me dead in the eyes and said my brother needed him more, and there was nothing he could do about it. Looking at him, he’s mentally and physically exhausted. I broke down crying and said I needed my dad too, and I feel like he is abandoning me.

He said he wasn’t but then he left and I told him he doesn’t need to worry about me anymore, packed my stuff, and left.

My mom is heartbroken and I’ve spent all day crying. I know this isn’t my sibling’s fault- they didn’t ask to be terminally ill- but my dad taking on 100% of the burden of caring for them and refusing help is kind of a slap in the face. My dad says he used to take me to sports tournaments on the weekend as a kid, and while that’s true, I feel like a monthly tournament is different than having your entire life monopolized by being a caregiver.

I love my sibling and feel like garbage about everything going on. I am in no way suggesting my parents out them in a care home- I’m willing to pay for the aid to come and help to give my father a break.

I just felt so abandoned when he said he couldn’t do anything about it.

Like since I’m not the one in need he doesn’t want me. I’m trying to help and he won’t let me. My mom is a wreck over this and I don’t know what to do because moving back in would make me lose my mind. Everytime I’m there, my mental health crumbles.

I’m currently living with my partner, and everything is in shambles.

But I cannot go back there if he doesn’t accept he needs help caring for my sibling (and again I will pay for it).


Another User Comments:


I used to work as a Medical Social Worker in a cancer clinic and what your family is going through is both unique and extremely common.

There is nothing as difficult as painfully losing a loved one (especially a child). People cope with it differently and no one copes with it well because it’s absolute heck.

You are allowed to want attention from your parents. You’re allowed to feel afraid that they’re making themselves sick. You’re allowed to feel anything you feel because the experiences you’re having as a caregiver to your sibling’s caregivers are just as viscerally painful as anyone else’s experiences.

It can feel like you’re losing not just your sibling, but your whole family and your whole center of gravity because everything you know has changed.

My best advice for your family is to speak to a Social Worker at the clinic where your sibling is seeking treatment. Your dad will probably not agree to this, and you can’t control what other people do.

Please go yourself. They can help to give you tools to begin to deal with some of this loss and grief.

Please don’t listen to anyone who dismisses your feelings here. Get help from a licensed social worker or counselor. The chances of coming out of this with complex ptsd or other complications are very high and you can help your long-term mental health a lot by getting help now.

Your sibling may pass. Your family will have to rebuild. You need to be the strongest you that you can be at that time. You clearly love your family very much. I wish you healing in this time of immense pressure and pain.” SarieSW

Another User Comments:

“You’re not gonna like it, but YTJ.

For background before people jump at me: I took care of my dying grandparents, together with my mother, for ten years.

Both of them died by my side.

They’re taking care of their dying CHILD. It’s every parent’s worst nightmare. They’d probably rather die than see their child die.

As you have offered to pay for a caregiver, which is not cheap, I am going to take it that you’re an adult. Act like one. Your sibling is dying, your parents are on the edge, and you’re fighting with them because they haven’t given you attention.

Honestly.” delixuu

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. They need help. It is not a failure to have help. You do not want your father or mother to be injured because they are trying to move or help your sibling.

In-home hospice care can be a help. They have experience with the dying and can help ease the burden of care so you can make better memories (or at least have the opportunity to make ones with less shouting).

Everyone in that house is under a lot of stress. Hospice also has counselors and social workers who deal with the grieving a lot. You all are grieving for the life your sibling will not have and some guilt feelings seem to be creeping in on that.

When my father fell ill, things were a spiral until hospice got involved. They knew what they were doing, what questions I needed to be asked (I was in charge of his care during my early 20s).

He was in great hands. They called when his situation changed and they felt he was near the end so I wouldn’t miss anything if I wanted to be there. He ended up passing in the middle of the night while I was sleeping on a cot in his room, the nurse woke me to inform me.

They were beyond amazing. I still give that hospice service pay as they saw my family at our worst and made things as good as they could be. (Granted he was in an actual hospice-run facility for the last week of his life).” EquivalentTwo1

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. I wish there was a higher category like ultimate jerk because that’s where you belong.

My sister died of cancer. (When we were both adults.) If you had just said my parents are working themselves ragged and I don’t understand why they won’t get help, that would be one thing. But whining that “you don’t have a parent right now” and that dad isn’t spending enough time with you?!

Seriously, how old are you?! It’s clear they don’t have a daughter right now because a daughter who cared about more than herself would be helping her parents in any way they could. Even if you truly can’t help with your brother’s actual care, you could be cooking, doing laundry, or sitting with your brother while your dad takes a nap.

Speaking of which…

Your comment-“There’s only so many movies I can watch.” OMG. Do you actually care about anyone other than yourself?!!! When the end came for my sister, it happened so fast. The cancer spread to her liver, and she was told she had two weeks, but she was gone in 5 days.

What I wouldn’t give to have had a few more days hanging out and watching movies and talking with her. I barely got there in time to have a last conversation before she needed such strong painkillers that caused her to basically be sedated all day.

Those cognitive changes you mentioned mean the end is getting very close.

Make this right before your brother is gone.” Sneezydiva3

-1 points - Liked by dimi

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Beenthruit 1 year ago
NTJ. I don't understand why they won't let you get them help for your brother.
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