People Are Ready To Debate Their Unsettled "Am I The Jerk?" Issue
25. AITJ For Getting Upset For Being Charged To Stay At A Friend's Cabin?
Some better communication upfront would have avoided all this.
“My friend owns a rental property cabin. 6 months ago, he stated that he was going to be at his cabin in January to “check on it.” He invited me and 2 other friends to come visit him during this time since he would be there anyway.
There was no discussion about any of us needing to pay anything other than chipping in for food.
A week before we are all supposed to head out there, he sends us a text saying we each owe $300 since that is what he charged his neighbors when they rented it.
He also inferred that we should feel “lucky” because this is a 25% discount. I’m feeling hurt and mad about this because he wasn’t losing out on rent since he was going to be there anyway and couldn’t rent it for that reason.
There was no upfront discussion about this being a friends’ trip and us all deciding to go in on renting out his cabin for the week. I viewed it as an invitation to come stay with him at his cabin since he would be there anyway.
AITJ for being hurt? Should I say anything to him?”
Another User Comments:
“Say no. There was never a discussion about cost when you invited me 6 months ago, except the food. I thought this was a friendly invite, not a business opportunity. I’m now no longer able to make this trip for a variety of reasons.” adventuresofViolet
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s the jerk, and he knows it. There’s a reason he waited until the last minute to introduce the cost. Possible response: “The last-minute introduction of a fee means this trip is no longer feasible for me. Have a great time checking on your cabin.” How do your two other friends feel about it?” embopbopbopdoowop
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Don’t go. Just be upfront. “Sorry, I didn’t realize we would be paying to stay. Unfortunately, I can’t afford it, but have a great time!” That’s all you need to say. Just repeat it if he tries to get you to change your mind and give him $300.
“I can’t afford it.” He’s not a very good friend in my opinion.” deleted]
24. AITJ For Making My Friend Feel Lazy Despite Her Medical Condition?
“My friend (51F) says she’s diagnosed with EDS (Ehlers-Danlos syndrome). I offered to help her with her yard at her house, and I noticed she was asleep for most of the day. When she woke up, I asked her why she wasn’t helping me do some of the work, and she said she still feels tired. I said, ‘How can you feel tired when you sleep all day?” She told me, ”Because I have EDS,” and I told her my son has EDS, and he works in a prison every day of the week.
He sleeps 8 hours each night and works for the entire day no problem. I told her she’s not putting in any effort, and she’s being lazy. She began to get upset and emotional, and I’d had enough, so I left. AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Just because your son, who I also assume is much younger, has EDS doesn’t mean in the slightest that the disease process is the same for your friend. The disease process also affects people differently at different times. Symptoms of illnesses like this are not consistent even in the same PERSON, let alone in different people.
I have EDS (among other autoimmune conditions) myself — sometimes I am able to sleep 8 hours and be productive for weeks at a time. Other times, I have something approaching a “flare,” and I can sleep 18 or more hours a day and still be absolutely exhausted. It’s difficult to do much beyond feeding myself, peeing, and going back to sleep.
Sometimes I can’t even manage that. I work in non-traditional employment in an effort to compensate for these wild variations.
Your son is very lucky that he is able to maintain a traditional 40-hour/week schedule, and I sincerely hope for his sake that that remains the case for him, particularly since you don’t seem to be terribly understanding.
Given your comments in this post — you also don’t seem very open to being educated, either. MAJOR jerk, OP.” kirakirrily
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You were really dismissive. You get that everyone experiences chronic illness differently, right? I mean, you sound like an expert from knowing your son has it, so I would have assumed you would be a little more aware and empathetic.
Clearly, this is not the case. From there – you decide to attack your friend, tell her that she’s lazy, and question her ability to feel tired. Um, why? Honest question – why did you think you needed to take that approach with her? Do you not like her?
Are you trying to be mean? Are you trying to hurt her? Because it sounds like you were trying to. You also said that you offered to help her, so I will assume you showed up when it was good for you and went to work.
What if she didn’t really want you to do it but felt obligated to say yes (and who passes up someone’s offer to help?). But then you felt like you had the RIGHT to question her not helping.
I don’t think you sound like a nice person.
Your entire post is very dismissive of your friend and you go overboard in minimizing her issues so that you can do what you want, and tell her whatever you think should be happening. At her home. I don’t think the comments on here are going to be very nice – you should take a minute and re-think your approach to your friend.
Actually, for everyone. I wouldn’t put up with what you did from a ‘friend’. I hope she decides to move on from your friendship to more supportive people who aren’t interested in tearing her down. Or simply leave her alone when she wants to sleep.
In case you missed it: YTJ.” No-Transition-8705
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Basically, any condition with “syndrome” in the name is going to present differently for different people. Your son’s experience is not the standard. Assuming he’s a fair bit younger than your friend, he also hasn’t started experiencing any of the consequences of living with EDS long-term.
EDS covers a huge range of symptom severity. For some people, it’s not much more than being double-jointed and a higher risk of dislocations. For other people it affects the way their entire circulatory system works, leading to low blood pressure, POTS, and heart issues – which can lead to brain fog and exhaustion as their body struggles to keep the brain supplied with oxygen.
Sleep isn’t refreshing when you keep waking up in pain. Assuming you can sleep at all – if your BP is low, lying down may wake you up as suddenly your body doesn’t have to work as hard to get blood to the brain. Getting a diagnosis of EDS can take years, and the process often involves meeting a lot of people who will question whether you’re sick at all, or “just lazy.” You echoed all the people who didn’t believe her while she fought to be understood.
She may not be your friend anymore.” princess_ferocious
23. AITJ For Changing My Best Man For Not Inviting Me To HIS Wedding?
“So a while ago, I asked my best friend of 25 years to be my best man at my wedding. He said yes, and from there, things were fine. I’m due to get married in March, and recently, he and his fiancée made the decision to speed up their wedding and get married in April.
Now I’m not saying I expected to be his best man as I’m sure he has other friends too; however, I did think I would at least get an invite to his actual wedding, but this isn’t the case.
My fiancée and I received a social media message from a group page saying we were invited to his after-party, but that was it.
I understand the restriction of venue, but to say the least, it hurt my feelings not to be invited, so I made the decision to change my best man as he hasn’t really done anything a best man would do anyway (no stag party, etc,), he will still be invited to the wedding, but now I feel like I’m in the wrong.”
Another User Comments:
“Before you do anything to alter the friendship, find out more information. Is it literally a courthouse wedding or is only family going to the ceremony? If that’s the case, I think that’s okay and YTJ. However, if not, I understand why you would feel weird.
Sounds like you need more context. Also, it sounds like you have to talk to him and explain how you feel. If you have a long friendship, it’s important that you do this.” OliveJuice1990
Another User Comments:
“ESH because neither of you is communicating like best friends.
Please be an adult and ask him why you are not invited to his wedding before making any rash decisions. Perhaps there is a legitimate reason that you are unaware of.” The__Riker__Maneuver
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What you learned from not being invited to his wedding is that you aren’t as close as you thought you were, and he probably isn’t going to be someone you are close to going forward.
In as much as he has done none to few of the usual duties of a best man and has his own “hurry up wedding” to prepare for, my guess is he will mostly be relieved at not having the duties of being your best man.
Your life will be much better spent if you spend it with people who actually care about you.” crochetbug
22. AITJ For Telling My Son He's Making A Big Mistake By Changing His Major?
Some supportive parents.
“My husband (56M) and I (53f) have two children Zara and Ethan (26f, 19m).
Zara is currently in med school and doing very well for herself. Ethan is majoring in robotics, and he’s been doing quite well so far.
Ethan recently told us that he wants to switch to political science and minor in public policy. Now, I would understand if he was doing very badly or struggling, but he’s not.
My husband told him he’s making a big mistake, not only will he lose credits, he’ll have a much harder time finding a high-paying, prestigious job. He’s adamant on this and said this is what he wants. Eventually, I said he can do whatever he wishes but not to come to us when he fails.
He was upset and I did call him later but he didn’t pick up. I sent him a text that I was sorry for saying that but we’re just trying to make him see sense. He didn’t reply to that either, and clearly, he’s still mad.
My husband said he’s sulking for no reason, but I guess Ethan told Zara what happened because she was going off at me (and my husband) for it.”
Another User Comments:
“First off… success is not always connected to high-paying prestige jobs. Second off… the fact he wants political science and public policy now in these current turbulent times is incredibly admirable.
With so much of the country’s ills being because of the deification of the almighty dollar and the corruption that is everywhere because of it (and the imbalance of power), his wanting to get involved in a real way is special, admirable, and incredibly important.
Your rejecting him because he is (in your mind) going to be less successful because you personally don’t value his chosen field is heartbreaking. You should be so proud. Instead… you reject him and already have told him he will fail. Yes… YTJ. Please wake up and apologize before you lose both him and your appropriately career-acceptable (to you) daughter.
The world needs more people like him.” Ally_and_empowerer
Another User Comments:
“”Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness” is a well-known phrase from the United States Declaration of Independence. Unfortunately, many parents do not care about their children’s pursuit of happiness. They plan everything for their children including the profession they’re supposed to pursue because of monetary rewards.
GREED obscured their common sensibilities. When kids realize that they’re not happy or suited to their parents’ chosen profession and pursue that which they thought is best for themselves, these parents go nuts.
OP – you should have asked, are we the jerks? You and your husband are not only jerks, but you’re destroying your child’s life and future.
Why not study robotics yourselves? – yes the 2 of you. You’re still young and can be actual robots when you graduate.” Comprehensive-Bit415
Another User Comments:
“YTJ with the blunt response, even if it is a possibility that he will fail. If it was a reoccurring thing where he continued to make poor choices and you and your husband were having to bail him out and support him over and over again, I could see that response.
However, it looks like up to this point he’s been doing pretty well with his prior choices so there was really nothing to warrant the “Don’t bother coming to us if it bites you in the butt” mentality. Don’t be surprised if he ends up distancing himself from you guys now.
Just because you’re family doesn’t mean he’s obligated to forgive and forget. I cut my mother off years ago and have never been happier.” EnigmaGuy
21. AITJ For Refusing To Get A Tattoo In Honor Of My Step Brother?
“I’m a 19-year-old female, and I have two tattoos (one matching with my stepmom and the other I got as a present.)
My ten-year-old stepbrother is autistic (so am I, but he is on a more extreme level aka nonverbal, etc.), and almost everyone in my family has a tattoo of puzzle pieces (symbol for autism), and it has his name on it. My stepmom wants me to get the tattoo; however, I do not want it on my body.
First off, it takes up most of your forearm, and I have only a few tattoos that I want to get on my body. All the tattoos I want are personal to me, and I have come up with the designs and ideas on my own, and it’s just not something I want on me.
Every time my stepmom asks me, I try to advise the question, but she keeps pestering me and trying to get me to get it. I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but I just don’t want it there. What do you guys think?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. First of all because it’s your body, second of all because Autism Speaks created the puzzle piece, and the creator of Autism Speaks literally openly talks about how she nearly drove off a bridge with her daughter in the car because that would be easier than taking care of an autistic kid.
Kudos for not getting it. I’m autistic, and the puzzle piece is a freaking disgusting token that we’ve never actually accepted. It implies we are challenging/challenged (which may be true at times but is incredibly ableist to point out and generalize, especially when there are some autists like me who are persistently independence-driven who actively refuse outside guidance or support) and that we don’t fit into the bigger puzzle.
It doesn’t seem that way for most, it seems harmless, but it’s also infantilizing for autistic adults. Kids that are autistic grow up, we don’t remain children, and assigning a toy as symbolism for our disorder is bad.” Final-Dig709
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – your skin, your rules, but also the puzzle piece movement has really awful roots. I’d recommend researching them. Their symbol was created without any input from autistic individuals, the puzzle piece came from it being a ‘puzzling condition.’ The original puzzle piece even had a crying person inside to show the burden autism put on their family by being autistic.
Autism Speaks uses a puzzle piece as its logo, and they’re known for being awful to autistic individuals. They researched a cure for a very long time, and most horrifyingly – encouraged research to be able to screen for autism in utero, so the pregnancy could be terminated if autism was detected. Most autistic individuals do not support the puzzle piece logo and instead prefer a butterfly as it symbolizes growth and hope for the future.” skinnyl0vexx
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but I also want to mention that them basically advertising your stepbrother’s diagnosis on their body is also gross. It’s not for them to tell everyone and they’ve also coopted someone else’s diagnosis as their own. Honestly, if they actually cared about this, they would have done their research and talked to autistic people.
They could have learned about why the puzzle piece is so problematic and how the autistic community feels about people getting autism tattoos for other people.” Joelle9879
20. AITJ For Publicizing My And My Ex's Fights On Social Media?
“My son’s dad and I have gotten to the point of total communication breakdown. He also lies about me nonstop. I decided to keep him honest the only way I know how by publishing screenshots of all our conversations (which I took immediately before he could delete them) as well as relevant paperwork (with addresses and important numbers blacked out) on my social media.
I also text them to his mom and grandma.
He’s said I’m being unfair because our personal disputes should just be between us. I disagree. I think it’s fine to use public shaming to motivate him if he does shameful things. He says I’m being a jerk because I don’t even wait for him to not do something before I publish the receipts of saying he will.
But at that point, it would be too late.
So what will happen is it’ll be time for him to pick up our son and his boys will say, “Aren’t you supposed to be with your son” and his grandma will text him to remind him to pay me.
He says I’ve made his life a living heck, and he can’t find a moment’s peace. I think that’s his problem, but am I a jerk for doing this to him?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You’re embarrassing your kid by oversharing and being “that person” on social media that people follow just to see what the latest drama is.
What do you get out of making all these extremely complex personal dealings available for public consumption and ridicule? If you’re publishing everything the man ever says in a private text thread, no wonder you’ve had a communication breakdown. You said yourself that you don’t even give him a chance to do something wrong before you post about it online for strangers to see.
Seems like a lot of energy to put into this only to inspire more stress, frustration, and friction for your troubles.” pastelpixelator
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Ex for obvious. But you for your actions are worse. One day your son is going to find this.
And read it. And wonder why this is all over social media. One day your ex might step up to the plate, but that will be even harder to do with all your passive aggressiveness. Also, when someone is “labeled” (in this case I’m guessing you infer he’s a deadbeat or similar) it becomes that much harder for someone to want to change.
One day, when your son doesn’t have any more play dates from school or birthday party invites, it’s going to be because people don’t want any part of your reality TV show drama nonsense. Text his mom. Get off social media.” kblank45
Another User Comments:
“Mmm a bit above the Internet’s pay grade, this one. Publishing private conversations is a petty, immature move, but your ex isn’t being a good father, either. ESH, I guess. Since he often deletes texts and reneges on agreements, get a co-parenting app like Wizard (paid) or AppClose (free).
If he won’t agree to use one, you can get it court-ordered as well. The judges aren’t going to like your petty moves of publishing private conversations for public shaming, but they’ll appreciate the step toward an app. Messages can’t be deleted, they’re time-stamped immediately, it logs if the message was opened by any parties, and Wizard also offers a “tone monitor.” Also helps with medical, clothing/shoe size, school info, etc. Good luck.” ashestorosesxx
But, If u are publishing texts which have no bearing on anything and are just putting the texts out there to get back at him, just to be petty - then yeah, ytj.
19. AITJ For Allowing My Daughter To Rebel Against My Mother-In-Law's Cooking?
“Daughter (12F) is a pretty adventurous eater with a very small number of foods that she will not eat. My MIL (70F) is a terrible cook – every single dish she makes is a form of microwaved venison.
She has one dish in particular that my daughter cannot stand – enchilada casserole. For background, this consists of ground venison, cream of chicken, cream of mushroom, a little taco seasoning, and a bag of tortilla chips mixed up and microwaved for 15 minutes.
We live 18 hours from ILs, so only visit once or twice a year.
MIL knows that my daughter cannot stand this one meal but still cooks it for every visit, including my daughter’s birthday, where I (42F) was not present, and told her she could not have any birthday cake if she didn’t clean her plate. I told my daughter that if she cooked this dish again while we were visiting, I would take her out to eat.
Sure enough, that was what she served on New Year’s Day. My daughter was offered an alternative of two slices of salami, so I took her out and her choice was a salad because she said she needed some fresh food.
MIL is now livid that we don’t appreciate her cooking, and my husband (41M, married 15+ years) refused to stand up to his mom and said our daughter wouldn’t starve if she missed a meal. SILs ganged up on us and said that everyone likes the dish but us.
So AITJ for not forcing my daughter to eat a dish that MIL knows she cannot stand when we only visit a couple of days a year?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You might be interested in Growing Intuitive Eaters on social media, and share their posts with your husband to hopefully help him understand the greater issue here.
She’s a nutritionist who specializes in helping children develop healthy eating habits and helping adults recognize the consequences of bad habits they had as kids. Things like withholding things if kids don’t eat, forcing kids to eat things they hate, etc. can lead to long-term problems with food and how kids handle eating.
You absolutely need to protect your daughter here and let her know she is NEVER obligated to finish a meal if she doesn’t want to eat, should never have food withheld from her if she’s hungry just because she sticks to her preferences, and should never force herself to eat to please others.
You did the right thing as a parent. I would consider going LC with Grandma in terms of in-person visits over this. If you KEEP exposing your daughter to this negative environment, you would be the jerk.” superlosernerd
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – like OMG purposely fixing a dish she does not like on her birthday?
And she is under 12 years old? This takes being a jerk to new heights. Like this is the most pressing issue? The family is upset that you offer your kiddo an alternative to what you know she finds distasteful? They need to get out and live a little.
Stop obsessing over the food a child is willing to eat. Unless your daughter has some eating disorder or throws ugly tantrums about the food. They should give her the same respect she is giving them. From the sound of it. Your daughter is willing to just skip these meals until another option becomes available.
Like for real? You are teaching your daughter self-worth, respect, and value by instilling in a sense of self-control and responsible decision-making. I know the subject is just food. But that easily transfers onto potential mates or other life choices as well.” MembershipJaded5215
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Why the heck are you subjecting your daughter to someone who actively dislikes her and communicates that very clearly in her actions? Your husband is a coward, and your MIL sucks the most (and is a fully incompetent cook). Your daughter is going to want nothing to do with any of them long term.” giantbrownguy
18. AITJ For Not Allowing My Mother-In-Law To Stay With Us?
“To put it bluntly, I (24m) hate my MIL. I tried to get along with her in the beginning but to no avail. My husband (30m) is the more masculine of us, so his mother expects me to take on “the wifely duties” and treats me like his wife, not his gosh darn husband.
I’m thankful she lives in another state, so I don’t have to deal with her constantly.
She decided to fly over again to visit my husband and his siblings. Right now, she’s trying to find accommodation, but none of her other kids want to take her in because she’s overbearing and controlling.
So she asked my husband if she could stay with us, and he asked me before saying anything, and my answer was no. He understood and told her she couldn’t stay. He kept my name out of it, but she probably knew it was me who said no, so now her flying monkeys are harassing me on social media for not letting her stay because she won’t be able to afford to fly over otherwise, so now “I’m depriving her of her children.” AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were asked, and you answered. Your husband seemed fine with that answer. If your husband wanted his mother to stay, it could have been a conversation coming from him. But, my guess, he liked your no, might have been relieved if there was no conversation about it… But no one likes dealing with the fallout of setting boundaries.
And the siblings or someone else can host her.” deleted
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. From your responses, I think I get “the wifely duties.” MIL has a very toxic understanding of a marriage dynamic between a man and woman and is using that against you.
Your marriage is the easy scapegoat for her “flying monkeys” (I loved that analogy by the way), so they can just blame you instead of calling out her children, which they, of course, would never do. Don’t stress too much. The siblings, and probably your husband will eventually call her on her nonsense, and MIL will fade into the background clutching her pearls.” EmptyDrawer9766
Another User Comments:
“Wow, she sounds like a nightmare. Why don’t your husband and the siblings all pitch in to put her up in a hotel? They could all reframe it as a nice treat for her that would make her the most comfortable. And your husband should find a suitable excuse for why staying with the two of you would not be possible.
Maybe schedule some annoying repairs to happen that week, “So sorry, the guest room is scheduled to be painted that week,” or “Darn, that is the week that the new toilet is getting installed in the guest bath!”” itsmeAnna2022
17. AITJ For Causing A Man To Drop His Lunch And Refusing To Buy Him A New One?
“I was speed walking down a busy street hurrying to get to work. I accidentally bumped into a guy with loaded nachos, and he dropped them. He was very upset! He was angry and hungry because he was on his lunch break. I apologized to him and told him it was an accident, and of course, I didn’t mean to make him drop his lunch.
He asked me to give him money to replace his food, and I really couldn’t because I was running late to work. I do feel bad that I couldn’t pay him back. Maybe if I wasn’t in a hurry, I would’ve given him some money to replace his lunch.
AITJ for not replacing his food he dropped?”
Another User Comments:
“SCAM ALERT! Info: was this a little brush or a bump where any reasonable person would have dropped whatever they’re carrying? This is a common scam in NYC, New Orleans, all over Europe, etc. where people go to busy areas and get “bumped” or their change cup “kicked over” and demand you pay them back.
They often get angry or give a sob story to make it seem like you have to pay.
Info: Were the nachos open and actively being eaten or in a closed container? If open, Nachos is not a “walking around food,” and he bears at least a small amount of responsibility in this event even if you truly did bump him.
You might have a suspicion if this bump was really your fault (then you should have paid) or if this could have been a scam. Go with your gut.” Rosie-Disposition
Another User Comments:
“Going against the grain to say NTJ. Something about this feels like a scam to me.
I get being mad if you walked into him and ruined his food, but he presumably also has eyes and could have moved out of the way. While it’s typical to offer to pay for the food, it’s not a legal requirement or anything, and most people don’t carry that much change on them anymore anyway.
Either way, I think he’s a bigger jerk for his reaction than you are for the crime of being in a rush.” megankneeemd
Another User Comments:
“ESH – Guy is walking down the street eating nachos, not looking. It’s a sideWALK, not a sideEAT.
But also, you should have been looking where you were going.” Arizona_ice_me
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, so if you accidentally crash into someone while you’re driving, and you’re running late, it’s totally cool to just apologize and bounce right? Cause you didn’t mean to?
And it was bound to happen cause it’s so crowded on the freeway?” spitfire109
16. AITJ For Not Wanting To Go To Dinners With My Wife's Family On Weekends?
“I’ve been married for 5 years and have a good relationship with my wife’s family, but lately, I’ve been feeling a lot of pressure to attend a dinner with them every weekend. I like my wife’s family, but I feel like I need some time for myself too.
My wife was upset with me because I declined the invitation to dinner last night, and now we’re arguing about it. I want her to understand that I love spending time with her family, but I also want to have some time to myself.
AITJ for not wanting to attend dinner with my wife’s family every weekend?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Ask your wife how she would feel if you demanded that she spend every weekend with you as an obligation on your family’s side? Would she have an issue with that? Of course she would. Then ask what she does for you that equates to your lost weekends?
In 5 years, that is over 250 lost weekends. When is that going to be reciprocated? I would simply point out that between work and her family weekends, you have no time for yourselves. You didn’t marry her family, you married her. When does that married life begin?
It is wonderful that she is so close to her family but it comes at a cost. When you have adult children, does this mean that you won’t spend weekends with them? Or are they expected to go to the in-laws’ too?” Icy_Curmudgeon
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and good for you for standing up for yourself. Parents who set this type of expectation are controlling their kids, and the kids don’t see it because of how it’s presented. You can see it.
I was in a similar situation during my early years with my husband.
It was an every holiday weekend, plus once a month, at their vacation home. The home is on a lake, but the house is very small. As the family grew, both dogs and spouses, the house seemed to get smaller. I stopped going voluntarily. It was too much.
So I started changing my husband’s mindset by finding other things for us to do when MIL expected us to be with the family. He went along with it begrudgingly at first, then started enjoying it. And eventually, his siblings followed suit. ILs ended up selling the vacation home when none of the kids wanted it.
They finally saw that there was more to see in the world than just Mom and Dad’s place. It’s been bliss since.
I highly recommend you do the same thing. Find great weekend getaways that will preclude you from being able to participate. Eventually, all will follow suit.
They just need to see that someone is willing to take the risk and that they won’t be disowned.” FinanciallySecure9
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The problem is that, since it’s been so regular and has gone on for so long, taking a step back seemingly so suddenly makes it look like there is something wrong – like someone did something offensive or you have secretly been hating it all this time.
And then if you say “I just want time to relax”, someone might take that to mean that you find them stressful. Frankly, I don’t really know how you get past all of this with all relationships completely unscathed, but I wish you luck because I also like my inlaws just fine but would not want to be stuck with a weekly dinner commitment.” Bobalery
15. AITJ For Talking To An Adult Student Like A Child?
“I (32f) work in a special education program in my town’s college in the UK, and today, I was covering for another tutor in class. A few hours ago, a student A (19f) forgot an item, and a member of staff came to our class (they knocked first) to give the missing item.
I reminded A to thank the woman for finding her stuff by saying “What do you say?” This annoyed A, and when the member of staff went, A had a go at me for supposedly talking down to her in a child’s voice (I admit it was childish, but I didn’t mean to annoy her) and told me, “Why did you have to speak down to me like a little child for?
I was going to say thank you; you didn’t need to remind me like I was dumb, and why did you need to use that voice at me? Why can’t you just speak to me like a normal human? I was going to say thanks, but sometimes, I forget.
You wouldn’t go speaking to a neurotypical kid like that if they forgot, so why am I so different?”
I didn’t understand why she was getting so rude about it, so I responded “I was just reminding you. You don’t need to be rude about it”.
She answered back “But I don’t need you to remind me stuff. I can speak for myself, and I really don’t appreciate you talking down to me like that. Why did you need to remind me so bad?” And it went back and forth until an LSA told A to stop arguing and told her to leave the class.
A left in a huff and puff and was ranting saying stuff like, “All I said was she didn’t need to remind me and talk to me like that. Why does she have to make such a big deal out of it?” and now I’m at home.
Maybe I did make a big deal about it and was probably demeaning. Did I go too far? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, you demeaned a neurodivergent adult, and then instead of realizing your mistake when she brought it up, you doubled down on it and argued. You should have instead apologized, and let it go.
Instead, if the student forgets and walks off or goes back to what they’re working on, you could have said thank you to the staff member and continued on with your job as normal and not made a big deal out of it to begin with.” infinite_nexus13
Another User Comments:
“Autistic woman here. I don’t like being baby-talked to. People tend to subconsciously do it once they know I’m “special” and infantilize me. It’s condescending and rude, and it makes me feel small. How would you feel if all the adults in your life baby-talked you like you were stupid?
It would get old, right? What you should have done is immediately apologize (because you admit to and know you used a child’s voice) and tell her you would make an effort not to do it again. But instead, you invalidated her feelings and made a fuss.
Learn something from this. YTJ.” littlehappyfeets
Another User Comments:
“YTJ: Initial interaction is maybe questionable (using a child’s voice makes me lean towards it being a jerk move, and she’s got a point that lots of people occasionally forget to say thank you on occasion without being called out for it), but if someone calls you out for speaking down to them, the proper response is to apologize, not call them rude in return.” Kerplonk
14. AITJ For Ignoring My Sister's Cries When She Had A Nightmare?
“I’m 23, but my father forces me to visit him twice a year; otherwise, he makes life difficult for my mother and younger siblings.
I don’t have much of a relationship with my father or youngest sister, but she’s started doing this thing where she’ll have a nightmare and sneak into my bed at night during my visit.
I get she’s only a kid, but I don’t want her in my bed, so I’ve tried getting her to stop, and I’ve brought it up with her parents, but it hasn’t helped, so I decided to lock my door at night.
She tried to get in but couldn’t because the door was locked, so she was banging on it and crying. Eventually, the noise woke her mother up who told me I had to leave the next morning because of what I did to my youngest sister.
Honestly, I was happy I had an excuse to leave early, but my father wouldn’t let me, and now his wife keeps snapping at me and being rude because of what happened.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I’m pretty worried about your sister if she’d far rather run to you, a stranger by almost all accounts, for comfort over her guardians.
There’s something very wrong there. I don’t think you should be taking on that responsibility, but I think you need to turn the eyes of the extended family in on this situation too. Is there a figurative head of the family that could swoop through here to determine what in the world is going on for this to be happening?
Based on where a young child is supposed to be with healthy attachment, they should be going to a parent for a nightmare, not somebody they barely know.” deleted
Another User Comments:
“Debating over ESH or NTJ… 1. Never should an adult be forced to share a bed with a child when they don’t want to.
This can lead to all sorts of trouble. 2. Not his child. The parents of the girl should be the ones taking care of her (aside from emergencies which this was not). 3. Everyone seems to be blaming each other instead of dealing with the main issues of their family dynamics.
Good luck.” VirgoStitchMouseQ
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You can leave anytime you’re an adult. Your father can’t force you to stay. Pretty sus that your little sister you barely see is seeking comfort from you someone who’s practically a stranger to her. Something is very off about your sister’s behavior.
You said your dad makes life difficult for your siblings if you don’t visit. Is your dad or stepmom abusive in any way, or is your sister just spoiled? Like why didn’t she go to her parents, why was her reaction going to you for comfort…practically crying?
If there’s any evidence of maltreatment happening, then I think that warrants a call to CPS.” Ob1Cnobee
13. AITJ For Arguing With My Step Sister Over What Grief Is?
Yeah, you don’t tell people what they feel or don’t feel and then try to compare their situation to yours.
“After my dad died, my mom remarried a widower who had a daughter who was a year younger than me. At the time of the remarriage, I was 8 and she was 7.
My dad had died 2 years ago, and her mom had died three years before.
Ever since they were married, my stepsister has tried to claim her grief is more impactful than mine, that hers is more valid than mine. She has called me out for bringing up how sad I am that Dad is not around when she’s present because she has her mom to think about, when she does the same thing with her mom.
It’s gotten worse now that we’re 17 and 16, and she thinks I somehow owe it to her to not grieve my dad because of her. I got mad at her the other day when I was celebrating my dad’s birthday with his family and came home to talk about him with Mom.
She said I didn’t know grief. I told her she doesn’t have the right to gatekeep grief. She got so mad at me. We argued. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Personally, I would call her out every time, then put my headphones in or something to avoid the argument.
If she doesn’t like your response to her gatekeeping grief, she should stop gatekeeping grief. It’s sad she’s so worried about making grief a competition. You guys could’ve really bonded over your experiences. I wonder if she feels disconnected from her mother’s memory/doesn’t feel the active grief as much & is projecting onto you because she’s lowkey jealous?
As in, she sees you grieving/honoring your dad & wishes she was as sad as she perceives you to be.
Hard to put into words, but grief is super weird. It can feel like a brand new sadness when you begin accepting the death of a loved one.
It’s easy to convince yourself you’re a bad person for moving forward with life, then freak out & try to overcompensate. Even if that’s the case, she’s still in the wrong 100%. If it’s not, she should be evaluated for a personality disorder.
For real.” Queen_Latifah69
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – of course, not sure what the problem is with your stepsister. Maybe ask her why is her grief bigger than yours? Then you might be able to show her that no there’s no difference. I would agree with the rest though that it’s unlikely that she has real memories of her mother.
People usually remember extremely little of what happened before they were six. If she thinks losing a mom is worse than losing a dad, it could be that she’s idealizing what a mother is, maybe tell her that for you your father was as great as your mother, and that’s why the grief is the same.
Maybe also her father isn’t close enough with her (?), or she sees you have a great relationship with your mother, and she wishes she could have that too(?)” deleted
Another User Comments:
“So she wants to play the Grief Olympics. That sounds like attention-seeking behavior which is either/and about resisting her father’s remarriage or no longer being the only child.
It might be useful to ask if you can have a family meeting, and all just talk about your memories of the spouses/parents who are gone and everyone’s feelings about the new family. If your family doesn’t communicate well, it might be useful to have a licensed therapist help with group communication and dynamics.
NTJ, but you all sound like you would benefit from processing all your feelings on this, and you might both be surprised at how your parents feel. At worst it prevents your stepsister from using her father’s feelings as a weapon. It’s truly sad she has made her loss a central part of her self-identity.” Dance_Sneaker
12. AITJ For Only Clearing Snow From My Half Of The Driveway?
“We tend to get a lot of snow in the winter where I live. In previous places, I’ve hired snowplowing or blowing services for my driveway, as I’m asthmatic, and shoveling in the cold tends to set that off. In May, I moved into a duplex where I share the driveway with my upstairs neighbors.
The landlord says I can hire snow removal if the upstairs agrees. When I talked to them over the summer they were adamantly against snow removal services. I even said I was willing to pay for the entire driveway myself but they weren’t into it and said they had shovels, and I could buy my own snowblower if I wanted.
Fast forward to winter. We got a massive storm and there is no way either of us can get out of the driveway. I had to work, so I got a shovel and cleared only my half of the driveway. When I got home my neighbors came out to tell me off for not clearing their half of the driveway.
At which point I told them I had offered to pay someone else to do that, not do it myself.
They insist that I should’ve done their side anyway since I was doing mine, and my friends mostly agree. I’m of the opinion since they disagreed with my original solution (which gave them free snow removal), they shouldn’t be expecting me to clear their half.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. No one who has ever shoveled snow would think that there is no more work to do on the other side of the driveway. It is twice the work and exhausting work at that. People shovel the bare minimum necessary to free their cars and provide a safe walkway.
Honestly, I can’t even begin to think about what goes on in the brains of people like OP’s neighbors who think that someone owes them significant hard physical labor. And why in the world do the friends agree? Why don’t they come over and shovel a random person’s driveway?” Jujulabee
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I live in a twin home and both of our driveways are next to each other. My neighbor has a snow blower and we don’t. Occasionally when the snow is bad he will come to our side and clear it.
I’m very appreciative of it! Sometimes when I’m out shoveling I will go over and shovel everything I can. I don’t though when the snow is heavy because it’s too much to do it all. I give them a gift card every year and thank them for any snow plowing they did during the year.
I never expect them to do it for me though. That’s not his job.” deleted
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I don’t understand why they wouldn’t let YOU pay for snow removal for the entire driveway (I think splitting it would be the decent thing to do, but if they don’t want the expense and you were willing, why not just let you get the plow to do it)…I also don’t understand why the landlord would even say you need their permission, I guess maybe in case their car gets hit?
They are idiots and you should offer to split snow removal with them again.” SomeoneSomewhereish
11. AITJ For Getting Mad At My Friends For Telling Me To Eat More?
“I’m currently on vacation in the Netherlands, and while here I’m visiting friends, I’m staying in a hotel so I can do my own things and not impose on them, but we’re meeting up for a few hours every day. We went for lunch yesterday, and they wanted pizza.
I’m not a big eater at lunchtime so figured we’d split a pizza and get sides to go with it, but they were both hungry so got their own pizzas.
I ended up ordering a small cheese pizza myself. I also drank two glasses of soda as we’d been walking a lot, so I was very thirsty.
Plus, I can’t eat without drinking something. They think it’s stupid as you shouldn’t drink with a meal? I put this down to a cultural difference even though their dirty looks when I asked for a second glass was annoying me.
In the end, I could only finish half of my pizza before I was full, and they began to scold me over this saying I needed to finish it as it was rude and a waste of food and that there were starving people.
One of them even implied if I hadn’t had so much soda, I’d have been able to eat it. Now, we’re all the same age range, and I was mad at being talked to like a child and told them that they weren’t my parents and didn’t get a say in how much I eat as I was paying for myself and even if I wasn’t I wasn’t going to stuff myself just to make them happy.
One of them then began to demand I take the leftovers back to the hotel which got me even more annoyed. Yeah, leftovers aren’t a bad idea, but we had plans and I didn’t want to be carrying about pizza for the rest of the day and told them as much.
This led to an argument between me and them and I ended up just getting up and leaving after paying for myself.
I let them know I got to the hotel ok but that they had been way out of line with how they were talking to me, and I’d be taking today for myself.
They seemed to think I was out of line though and they were just being helpful, that I blew up out of nowhere, and that they hoped this day would give me a chance to cool off and apologize to them.
I’m a bit of a hothead I admit but I don’t think that I was too far out of line with this?
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I am a firm believer in not commenting on other people’s eating. Nothing good comes from it and when you are all adults. It serves no purpose, whatsoever. They overstepped. I get they might have been concerned since it can lead to a lack of energy, but they could have said it nicer.
Like, “Are you sure, we are going to walk a lot today, and we don’t want you to pass out or get ill” or something along that line, instead of shaming you into eating, when it is not their place to do so. And you are paying for yourself, so I don’t see what their problem is.
And by the way, it is recommended you drink a lot before eating, so you are less likely to overeat, so I see no problem.” Arachnid-Fancy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They don’t get to dictate how you eat or whether or not you drink with your meal. I know a lot of people who won’t give their children drinks with food because they think the same way as these folks.
It drives me crazy. I have to drink when I eat. I can’t do it without it. The world’s starving population isn’t getting any worse because you didn’t eat a few pieces of pizza. If they’re that concerned about the starving people, maybe they should donate to the cause instead of eating out.” onedayatatime08
Another User Comments:
“Nobody’s the jerk. You can consume or not consume anything you want. Your body, your money, your decisions. It’s reasonable to consider food waste, and it’s also reasonable not to want to carry a piece of pizza with you the rest of the day – it wouldn’t be safe to eat after that long anyway.
Two glasses of soda is a lot of sugar/calories, and they might be correct that if you had opted for a different choice of second beverage, you might’ve had a bit more room for pizza… But how silly, arguing about soda vs pizza! Especially when you wanted to share at first, and they were the ones who opted to go for the bigger portions.
Even so, it doesn’t really matter – still your choice on what to eat, still your choice on how to spend your vacation time. Obviously, I don’t know much about the situation, but I suppose just consider what is most important to you in this scenario.
If you think it’s part of a larger pattern of toxic or uncorrectable behavior from your friends, perhaps it’s time to distance yourself from that relationship. If you think it’s something you could come to an understanding about, and you think they would succeed in not commenting on your food choices in the future after they understand why it hurt you, then don’t discard them because of this interaction.
Best wishes to you no matter how this shakes out.” babywewillbeokay
10. AITJ For Refusing To Split Our Dinner Bill Even?
“We went out to dinner with a few other couples last night, including two new ones that are friends of our friends.
My girl and I don’t really drink and didn’t last night. The restaurant has it in their menu that they don’t do split bills for whatever reason. I’ve seen that at a few of the fancier places near us. When the check came, one of the new people took it, figured out the tip, and then said everyone owes X amount.
My girl and I looked at each other and giggled then she took the check and started rallying our total, which obviously was less than what the average was since everyone else drank.
Mostly everyone agreed it actually made sense, but one of the new couples was extremely offended and said something along the lines of only children bother tallying totals instead of just splitting it evenly.
I said maybe we’re children then, but I’m not paying for some randos’ drinks when I didn’t even drink.
My main friend later messaged saying the other couple never wants to hang out with us again, and even though he sees our point, maybe we should’ve just split it evenly.
Are we jerks?’
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – If I was the person handed the check for multiple couples, I would totally take something like this into consideration. I usually look – think through if it is close and if there was a couple that was way under I would do it differently.
Easy enough, I would have quickly added up your meals, deducted from the total then divided out the rest. 10 seconds extra work. Frequently when we go out with other families ours is less because we have one kid and most of our friends have 2 or more.
I make quick work on deciding if the math is worth it or to just split. For $60 I would do the math. For $20 – eh whatever.” Kickin-Queen
Another User Comments:
“I like drinking. So fancier steakhouse means that cocktails were between 12-17 dollars a piece with 8-10 dollars for beer and 9-20 dollars per glass of wine and a lot more people get fancy about it.
So if everyone except OP and his SO has two drinks (which is low), they’re looking at possibly paying up to 50% more on their check. So, lol. No. I’ve had nice cocktails where others weren’t drinking or had beer, and if an even split was suggested, I’d say, “No, I had ______,” and if it’s easier, just cover the tip.
Expecting you to subsidize pricy drinks and calling you a child for not being shaken down enthusiastically is ridiculous. NTJ. I’d be curious as to if outside the restaurant, a homeless guy asked them for some change if they’d hand over 20-40 dollars and think it childish not to.” RecipesAndDiving
9. AITJ For Charging My Friend For Homework Help?
On one hand, tutoring is his job. On the other hand, it wasn’t a formal tutoring session.
“I (21M) have a friend (19F) who is a nanny for a family with kids in elementary and middle school. My friend is a great girl but not particularly book smart and needed some help explaining the middle schooler’s math homework to him.
She texted me to ask for help because I’m a math tutor to make extra bucks while I’m in college. I FaceTimed her so I could make sure the kid understood what I was explaining, which took a while. She thanked me later, and I let her know what I would typically charge for that service, which she said would equate to 2 of her working hours, so I said half would be fair.
She said she wouldn’t have asked for help if she’d known I would charge, which I think is unfair. I don’t expect friends to provide services for free, why should she?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Not for wanting to get paid for your time, but for not telling her upfront.
This post followed a common trope. Nice guy does something to help a friend. Girl somehow wrongs guy. Guy is confused why she is ungrateful or won’t pay him back. But dig deep enough and there are often other commonalities. You know what struck me weird?
This part: “She thanked me later and I let her know what I would typically charge for that service, ” So…. not only did you not state your fees up front, you didn’t bring them up after. You didn’t bring them up until a later interaction that she initiated by thanking you.
And you typically charge, not always.
Honestly, this strikes me as you did this hoping she would like you for it. When she didn’t want to get with you it hurt your feelings, and you resented her for it. So you flip the script in your head and all those nice things you did that she was supposed to like you for…..
well, since she didn’t, you were going to make her pay. Then, you started rationalizing. When we rationalize, we tell ourselves rational lies. And rationalizing said she owes you…. for what? Services rendered, of course! YTJ. Just be nice and learn to regulate your emotions.” Glittering_Shape_442
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. This is your friend, not a client, and if you were planning to charge you needed to say that FIRST so she could decide whether to pay, ESPECIALLY as this isn’t even her child. Related, my friends and I help each other with things all the time because that’s what friends do.
Babysitting for a couple of hours? Reading over a resume? Writing a query letter? Sharing a recipe? Basic legal assistance? Medical advice? Helping each other’s kids with a math assignment? All perfectly normal things to do for free once in a while for a good friend, even though they’re usually done for pay from everyone else.
As long as she’s not taking advantage, what’s the big deal? You could’ve instead asked her to pass your info along to the parents.” deleted
Another User Comments:
“Yeaaa… so I’m a massage therapist. The other night, my friend was over for dinner and had pulled a muscle in her back, so I gave her a quick 10-minute rub while we watched telly.
Should I have charged her for it? If you’re going to charge, you need to be upfront at the start. ‘Yes friend, I can surely help you out with this. Just to check, though, are you asking to book a tutoring session with me or just a quick heads up?
If you want a session, that’s no problem. My rate for that is X, but I would be happy to accept X. If you’re not looking for something so thorough, I have 2 or 3 minutes here now I can give you.’ I totally get that it’s frustrating to be expected to give away your skillset for free to mates, but also, you can’t just spring a charge on her without clarifying first. I’m going with ESH.” blueboatsky
8. AITJ For Sending A Wishlist To My Grandparents For My Birthday?
“So my grandparents wanted to give me a gift for my birthday. They’ve given gifts before, but most of the time, it was just expensive, useless things since I always told them I don’t want anything.
Sometimes when I’m bored, I save stuff to a Pinterest board. It’s a mix of random things, so I told them after they insisted (I know they were going to get me something anyway) to get me something off there, and I specified to just get only 1 thing.
So, anyway, they ended up getting me nearly my whole list (it had a few really expensive things on it too). I felt bad at the time, but my grandparents are also really rich, so it’s nothing to them.
When my mom found out, she was so angry and said I’m practically like a beggar, and it’s really shameful.
The thing is, my mom likes to pretend she is self-made rich and doesn’t need them when they gave her millions to start her business and a house, but apparently, that’s different since she didn’t ask for them.
I do feel a bit bad since giving the wishlist kinda felt like I was expecting them all.
(I really wasn’t.) AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are an adult now. It is time to have a relationship with relatives that is one-to-one, you to them, and not a relationship that is triangulated from you to your mother, to your grandparents. You can no longer let her dictate your relationships.
If she doesn’t like it, then tough. You are not responsible for your mother’s feelings. You have to decide for yourself what is right and what is wrong. If you believe in standing before a higher power when you die you can’t say, oh, I didn’t want to hurt my mother’s feelings, so I went along with it.
You need to be your own judge and make your own decisions. Your grandparents wanted to buy you a gift, and you gave a list of what you might like; you left the ball in their court. Your mother can stay out of it.” deleted
Another User Comments:
“A list is a good idea because that way, you minimize getting useless crap you don’t want/need. Of course, it relies on people actually caring to look at the list and sometimes it can backfire since people will often just get the cheapest item and you end up with lots of the same cheapest thing.
Fortunately for you, listing stuff didn’t backfire. You specified they only needed to get one thing off the list. They could have got the cheapest item or the most expensive item, but all they needed to do was get you one thing. They chose to get most of the stuff.
Your mother might try to control and/or guilt trip you, but she cannot do the same to them. NTJ.” NotYourMommyDear
Another User Comments:
“I’m currently harassing my about-to-turn-16 twins for gift ideas for their birthdays because I want to get them things they want, and man, it’s hard to buy for teenagers!
Occasionally, I have a stroke of genius and can think of an amazing gift they don’t expect, but generally, they have a pretty good idea of what is coming their way. It’s not that they demand stuff – it’s that I can’t necessarily figure out the right stuff to buy teenagers.
Occasionally, the older brother will help me figure things out because he’s closer to their age and will understand what they mean by “xyz.” It really makes things much easier on the gift-givers if the recipient will help us out. I had a talk with my daughter once because she was too polite.
She would be out with other people, and they might be buying her food, for example. They would ask what she wanted, and she would be excessively polite and say she didn’t mind what it was. I had to talk to her and explain that she is actually making it harder for them because they then need to try to guess.
If she would just tell them what she wanted, it would be done and sorted!” regus0307
7. AITJ For Talking Late At Night When My Step Sister Has To Be Up At 5 AM?
“I (25F) have been living in an apartment rented by my father (48M) for a year and a half now, not just for me but for anyone in the immediate family who needs it. For context, I plan on paying rent and living here on my own once their family home is built, but alas it is taking forever and so everyone is in limbo.
I have asked to help with the rent and my dad says no because “when you start paying rent, you have a say on who can stay there”.
The apartment is 2 bedrooms, so my stepsister (22F) moved in after graduating about 5 months ago. She didn’t work at that time and recently got a job in a theatre production which means she has to wake up at 5 am to commute.
I’m an interpreter and work from home full time (over a year and a half), but due to the timezone differences, my workday tends to end between 10 pm and midnight, depending on the available schedules.
Now that stepsister is working, she says she can’t fall asleep if I talk and I’m ruining her schedule, she’s the one who works “normal person hours” and that I need to be accommodating of someone with a “normal” schedule now that she’s working by refusing to work full time.
I’ve done my best to be understanding and move my schedule as much as I can, but at this point, these comments are driving me insane and starting to get offensive frankly. At the same time, I sympathize with her having to get up so early, so I really am at a loss here.
AITJ for not cutting down a couple of hours and in not doing so ruining her schedules?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You aren’t blaring the TV or music late at night. You’re talking on the phone because it’s your job. That is not an unreasonable noise.
People who are light sleepers often can’t sleep well in apartment-style living because there can be random noises from multiple sources, late night workers pulling into the parking lot and opening/closing the main door and their entry doors, crying babies, dogs barking, running showers and dishwashers.
The person who is suffering through interrupted sleep needs to figure out solutions, starting with earplugs and white noise, ending with moving to a more private location. I say this as a long-time night shift worker who had to sleep working around people who made louder daytime noises.” JazzyKnowsBest13
Another User Comments:
“All I can think of is get 2 white noise machines, one for her room and one for where you work. Then tell her you made a reasonable effort, and if it still doesn’t work, she will need to adjust her schedule since your not real schedule is about helping people understand important concepts (at least I presume) and people who work in jobs that don’t matter, like entertainment, have to be accommodating to people with real jobs.
Don’t say that, just say any other serious recommendations she has for the issue you will entertain; however, your job is not up for discussion. The issue is noise reduction in her room. Not your job. Buy both so when your dad insists you have to make a change, you can honestly say all the steps you are taking, and you will not give up your career because your sister won’t take responsibility for her own schedule.
NTJ.” Minimum_Ad_4120
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. First of all, waking up at 5 am is not normal hours any more than working until midnight. Second, as an extreme night person, with the exception of common courtesy (not slamming doors, blasting music, etc.), I have never made it anyone else’s responsibility to accommodate my late-night sleep schedule.
She can use the earplugs or find another way to try to get some sleep, it isn’t your responsibility, especially since you’re literally just doing your job.” deleted
6. AITJ For Defending My Stepmom?
“Background: I (16F) have parents who divorced when I was 2.
My father married a year after his divorce. He married a kind and loving woman I will call Eva.
My biological mother is quite the contrast to Eva. My mom is a career woman, very progressive, very feminist, and somewhat socialistic. Eva is a deeply religious and conservative housewife who dedicates her time to her 5 biological kids, 1 step kid (me), my dad, and her faith.
I don’t believe there is anything wrong with either way of life but my mother is always quick to judge Eva. Calling her a “religious moron”, “dumb housewife” and “freeloader” since she has no income and depends on my dad.
I always defend Eva, since Eva is very nice to me.
She doesn’t force a relationship with me, treats me as one of her own, and is a very interesting person to talk to. My mom always shuts me down, and I usually shut up about it. I live with my Dad 5 days out of the week and only see my mom on weekends so it only bugs me for 1-2 days.
Earlier today was different, however. My mom had told me that she wanted to take a trip with me to see family in a different state for a week. She picked me up from my Dad’s at 5 am, and right before I left, Eva came out and hugged me.
I got into the car and we started driving to our destination.
My mom asked me how I’ve been, as usual. Asks about my dad, my siblings, school life, friends, and Eva… I spoke positively about everything and mom was smiling along. When I got to Eva, her expression changed. Smile was gone, no attention to what I was saying anymore.
She did say she didn’t like our hug in the morning and after that comment, I stopped talking about it and just started sleeping to pass the time.
I can’t sleep forever on a car trip that’s going to take 10 hours. I woke up and we started talking about random things.
The conversation ended up going back to my life living at my dad’s and how my mom dislikes Eva. My mom started talking about how Eva can’t be a good mom or stepmom as she is too “closed-minded”, “bigoted” and dependent on my dad and the Bible to guide her.
A good mother will work to provide for her kids and be there whenever she can.
I pointed out that Eva is a very good stepmom to me. In fact, she has been there for me as much as mom has. Helping me with homework, cheering me on during my accomplishments, and taking an interest in my hobbies so we could hang out and be closer.
My mom is so busy with her work I have to live with my dad every single day except the weekends or when she has PTO. My dad works a lot too and Eva is the one to take care of me 90% of the time.
I told all this to my mom and she started yelling at me for disrespecting her. I tried to tell her that she isn’t a bad mother, she is just a different kind, and that Eva can’t replace her.
My mom made me feel so guilty about what I said I nearly cried. My mom apologized to me but I still feel guilty.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You sound like you have a very good head on your shoulders, and everything you’re thinking and feeling about the situation is logical and valid. You sound very accepting of the opposing forces in regard to your mom and stepmom’s values.
I want to focus on you for a minute because I think it’s important for you to understand from an outside perspective that you’re honestly not wrong for anything. I hate to say it, but your mom may need some help with her resentment towards Eva.
It’s not your job as her child to fix this issue, and it’s certainly not a burden that you should have to bear. It’s up to your mother to recognize that her behavior in this situation is out of line – it is never okay for a parent to put their child in the position that you are being put in.
I’m sorry that you’re experiencing this situation at such a young age. Just know that you are handling this exceptionally well, and no, you’re not at all the jerk here.” Proteinoats
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom sounds like a “mean girl,” crapping on Eva because she’s jealous of your relationship and doesn’t share Eva’s interests or lifestyle choices.
If your mom is a feminist, she should know that a core tenet is the belief that women should have options in how to live their lives. If Eva has the option and desire to be a stay-at-home mom, that doesn’t make her anti-feminist. She’s being a poor example of the open-mindedness she wants you to see.” HellaShelle
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, cause…everyone gets feels. Your mom is jealous of Eva, you love Eva and want to defend her. Your mom shouldn’t be bringing Eva down in front of you. But perhaps you could have been more sensitive than to compare your mom unfavorably to Eva.
Although you say your mom is just a different kind of mom, it sounds like you do think Eva is a better mom than your mom, even if only because she is around more. Your mom just probably needed to hear that you only have one mom and that she is irreplaceable and that you respect working women.
She didn’t need to hear you compare her and Eva. Maybe next time just ask not to talk about Eva. ” Squiggles567
5. AITJ For Giving Away My Husband's Location To My Father-In-Law?
“My father-in-law came over to talk to my husband because he wasn’t answering his calls. He seemed pretty upset when he realized he wasn’t home and that he was having dinner with a potential business contact. He wanted to know where the dinner was taking place, but I wasn’t sure, and my husband never answered when I tried to call him.
My father-in-law wanted me to keep trying because he said he had something time-sensitive to discuss with my husband but wouldn’t tell me what, so I offered to find out where he is with Find My iPhone as my father-in-law made it seem serious.
He went to the restaurant they were at, and I don’t know exactly what happened, but my husband was angry at me when he came home. He said I shouldn’t have helped his dad find him and that he wasn’t happy that I was using Find My iPhone to keep tabs on his location.
I told him I don’t keep tabs on him, but he said he doesn’t want to hear it. He’s still upset with me so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – most definitely! So is your FIL. Y’all ALL have major boundary issues.
FIL thinks he can come over unannounced. You called REPEATEDLY (for a non-emergency) while your husband was with a business client. You give your FIL (who has already railroaded you) your husband’s location, using a means meant for emergencies or keeping tabs on new teen drivers.
Now your FIL railroads your husband. You should have told your FIL that your husband wasn’t home, and you’d have him call when he got home. Then go about your evening or let FIL wait patiently for him to get home. Maybe have him pass the time by playing with the grandkids.
What kind of person goes to the restaurant where their son is at a business meeting?! This is all ridiculous.” OkSeat4312
Another User Comments:
“INFO: What is your husband’s relationship like with your FIL? Has FIL ever shown up unannounced before looking for your husband when he didn’t answer his phone?
Personally, my FIL and husband have a very healthy relationship with no history of overstepping boundaries – so if my FIL showed up at my door frantically trying to get ahold of my husband and told me it was serious, I wouldn’t hesitate to believe that it was something urgent and potentially an emergency.
I probably would have called the restaurant myself to try and track my husband down. But my MIL, on the other hand, is a very well-meaning but very emotional person. I know she would show up at my husband’s business meeting to talk to him about a gift idea she had for his birthday.
To her, that is an important conversation – but is very obviously not an urgent situation or an emergency.” El_Ren
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. My father once grounded me when I was 12 for calling his office to ask him to pick me up because I was throwing up at school.
Fast forward 25 years, he called my company to have them pull me out of a meeting to call him immediately. My train of thought is that either of my parents/sister is in the hospital or dead. No, he wanted me to respond to his voicemail he left less than an hour before.
It was ridiculous. The audacity, entitlement, and total lack of regard my father has for others got him the riot act that evening from me. He actually tried to act like he was the victim, and I told him he was on his way out of my life (LC/NC) because he refused to take accountability and that I could have lost my job because he wanted what he wanted when he wanted. It wasn’t an emergency; your FIL could have/should have waited.” Notdoingitanymore
4. AITJ For Declining A Good Friend's Baby Shower Invite Because I Don't Like Babies?
“I recently received an invitation to my friend’s baby shower. The problem is, I really don’t like children. I find them loud, messy, and generally unpleasant to be around.
I told my friend that I wasn’t interested in attending the shower, and she was really upset.
She accused me of being selfish and not being a good friend. She said that just because I don’t like kids doesn’t mean I can’t celebrate her new arrival.
I feel guilty for not wanting to go, but I also don’t want to spend an entire afternoon surrounded by crying babies and diaper gifts.
Am I the jerk for not wanting to attend the shower? Or is it okay to prioritize my own comfort and happiness in this situation?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. How would you feel if you were having an event to celebrate something special in your life, and a friend told you they were “not interested” in sharing in your joy?
This is about celebrating your friend and the joy in her life. If you really can’t put on a happy face to celebrate your friend’s joy for a couple of hours, then just say you have a conflict and cannot make it but are happy for her and will send a gift. Don’t tell her you’re “not interested,” which honestly is a terrible thing to say.
Actually, maybe you did your friend a favor…” majesticgoatsparkles
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m sorry, everyone, but as a grown adult, you can say, ‘Sorry, that doesn’t interest me.’ I didn’t even want to be at my own baby shower. I begged my best friend and mom not to do it, but they still did.
Completely separate situation, I know, but, my point is, you can politely decline and that should be acceptable. If you said you didn’t want to go clubbing….cool. If you said you didn’t want to go on a spa weekend…cool. Why can’t you say you don’t want to go to a baby shower?
The fact is, you can. If you don’t want to go, that doesn’t make you a jerk. Just because it involves a baby, it doesn’t mean you have to do something you don’t like. If you said, ‘Screw your baby, I’m not coming’ that’d be a different story.
But you didn’t, so NTJ.” Mission_Ad_2224
Another User Comments:
“You’re not forced to attend a shower, which normally doesn’t have kids there, but you’re a bad friend which makes you the jerk. Here’s why, your friend is asking you to celebrate a milestone in HER life.
Would you refuse to celebrate someone getting their PhD just because you weren’t interested in what they studied? What about a job promotion because you don’t agree with all of the company’s policies? What about buying a house because it’s not in a neighborhood you’d choose to live in?
So, I’m going YTJ. Not because you don’t like kids, not because you don’t want to attend, but because of how you handled this and being a bad friend.” SherbetAnnual2294
Another User Comments:
“Unpopular as of now, but NTJ. No one should be forced to interact with something that they outright dislike unless necessary, and baby showers aren’t.
The reason why people are calling you a jerk is because babies and children in general are not socially acceptable to dislike. Perhaps saying it outright was a bit in your face, but you weren’t wrong to do it either because at the end of the day, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH DISLIKING CHILDREN.
Let’s frame it in another way: my friend adopted a dog and is throwing a dog welcoming party, and I told her that I dislike dogs and was thus, not going, AITJ? I doubt that you’d find a single YTJ. As for your relationship with your friend, well, be prepared to lose it.
People who get offended over you not liking a child are also the type of people who will expect you to constantly interact with it. Seeing as that’s not something that you are willing to do, then your relationship is toast.” xiaomaome101
3. AITJ For Banning My Ex's Partner From Attending My Daughter's Birthday Party?
“My daughter turned 4 this month, and we threw her a birthday party to celebrate. I planned everything, and it was at my parents’ home, but my ex covered all of the costs.
He was planning to bring his partner and her kids, but I told him he couldn’t as his partner and I don’t get along, and I didn’t want drama on my daughter’s birthday. He tried to leverage the fact that he paid for everything, but I told him I wouldn’t let him in either if he brought them with him, and he eventually gave up.
However, his partner kept trying to change my mind by using the kids as a reason for why I should let her come. I refused to budge, though, and now she keeps harassing me about causing issues between the children because her kids are jealous they weren’t invited to the party, and apparently, my oldest is rubbing it in their faces.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your ex paid because it is HIS child’s birthday. He didn’t do it for you. You and your parents hosted and planned the party and (I’m assuming) did the after-party cleanup. That seems fair to me. If they want to include the partner and her children why don’t they have their own family party?
Or, as others have said, your ex could have brought the kids. But…at the end of the day, if this woman and her kids are going to be with your ex long-term, you both need to figure out a way to get along. There will be times when you can’t avoid her (school/sports events for example).
Unless she did something to warrant NC, I hope the two of you can at least get to a place where you can be civil with each other.” Jazzlike-Elephant131
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, he paid for everything so he absolutely gets to invite people to the party for the child you share.
If you don’t want him to have that ability pay for everything yourself. Maybe start throwing separate celebrations where the other parent has veto rights to the one they are in charge of. I don’t know what would work best for the both of you but if I was the ex I’d be livid that I footed the entire bill for a celebration only to be told that my girl & her kids aren’t allowed to be there after the check cleared.” ThisisstupidAFpeople
Another User Comments:
“While I can understand not wanting to have your ex’s partner at the party, the simple fact of life is that sometimes you have to be around people you don’t like for a while. Especially if your ex is the one footing the bill.
Rather than suck it up and deal with the situation like an adult by either tolerating her presence for a couple of hours or paying for your own party, you decided to dig your heels in. Did you ever stop to think about what sort of example you’re setting for your daughter in how to deal with these sorts of situations?
Or the portrait you’ve just painted of yourself and your daughter for your ex’s kids? She deserves to be able to get along with her father’s new family if they’re going to be around for a long time, and either you’re just too self-centered to set your own petty grievances aside, or you are purposely trying to sabotage their relationships.
If it’s the former, you’ve just taught your daughter that it’s okay to treat your ex’s family rather poorly. No wonder she’s rubbing it in their faces, she’s following your example of pettiness quite well. Also, you started the very type of drama you didn’t want so… congrats?
If it’s the latter, well that is on a different level of insidious and “toxic,” and in that case, I feel bad for all of your family. Either way though, YTJ.” sleepingfox307
2. AITJ For Refusing To Eat What A 10-Year-Old Cooked For Fear Of Food Poisoning?
“She made French toast and insisted I eat it, but I am so afraid of getting food poisoning and missing work. I didn’t say to her I didn’t want to be sick, but her family members (my friend’s family who I am visiting) tried to guilt trip me into eating it.
Now they’re saying I’m mean and should have eaten it out of respect. I see it as the little girl not being able to take no for an answer. And I never mentioned that literally out of respect for the family. I’m feeling kind of like a jerk, but what the heck.”
Another User Comments:
“ESH. You shouldn’t be pressured into eating things you don’t want to eat, but I also suspect your concerns about food poisoning are completely overblown. There are many 10-year-olds who know how to cook, especially simple meals like French toast. Her family is likely much more aware of her cooking abilities.
And the biggest danger here seems like potentially undercooked eggs which plenty of people eat to no ill effect (think, cookie dough).” 0biterdicta
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are allowed to refuse food for any reason because you have bodily autonomy. Eggs can give you food poisoning.
Eating bacteria from a child’s unwashed hands WILL cause food poisoning depending on the type of bacteria. Just because your child can cook food doesn’t mean an adult should be FORCED to eat it? That makes no sense. There are many 10-year-olds who eat their boogers, let dogs lick their fingers, and take a pee without washing their hands.
Food poisoning is severe. I wouldn’t take the chance either, and we are allowed to say no because it’s our body.” Visual_Nobody_7800
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Why? Kids aren’t exactly known for having good hygiene. There are instances where they scratch every part of their body and yes that includes their butt, picking their noses, not washing their hands properly, and many more.
They don’t know about cross-contamination and I for one would never eat a child’s cooking especially if I didn’t witness them making it. No one can guarantee (unless you witnessed it) that the food will come out full of germs, be pleasant to look at, or will even taste good.
The fact that her parents enabled her to insist you eat her food when you already said NO makes me think the parents are the huge jerks for not teaching their kid that NO means NO.” Amsen09
1. AITJ For Making My Partner Get Rid Of Her Cats For My Daughter?
“We recently found out that my daughter is very allergic to cats.
Of course, I found this out after my partner moved in with her two cats. We’ve never had any cats. My daughter is constantly sick now and has a hard time breathing without an inhaler. I took her to the Drs and they recommended “removing the allergen,” i.e., the cats.
I told my partner that, unfortunately, the cats can’t live here anymore. She said the cats aren’t going anywhere; they are 17 and 10, and she’s not giving them up. I told her that it probably means she’ll have to move out.
She’s furious and won’t talk to me now.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Nobody’s the jerk so long as your partner ultimately accepts this, and soon, frankly. Nobody knew, nobody was trying to hurt anybody. Nobody did anything wrong. I 100% agree that your partner should not get rid of her cats, especially seniors she’s had so long.
That would be terrible for them and for her. She loves them and is responsible for them. But it’s also 100% true that you need to remove what turns out to be a serious allergen from your daughter’s environment. Your child’s health and safety must be your first priority.
Unfortunately, this does also mean that your partner can’t live with you right now. She’s understandably upset about that.
But this isn’t being a jerk, it’s just the reality. And it sucks, on several levels. It does. This is a big relationship step, and it’s often the best arrangement financially, too.
This is an expectation you guys had which you’re now having to adjust to having to put on hold for the foreseeable future. So I won’t judge her too harshly for her initial reaction. But she needs to accept this now. She needs to move and as soon as possible.
Again, this situation sucks, but a sick and endangered child sucks a lot more. Your partner has to move. Please do what you can to help her with this, but that simple fact is non-negotiable.” PinkNGreenFluoride
Another User Comments:
“Nobody’s the jerk. I get why you don’t want cats around, but this is really crappy situation for the partner.
She moved 2 hours away from where she lived and now you tell her to either get rid of the cats or leave. Unless she owns property somewhere it’s going to be very difficult to rent a place ASAP. This will cause additional stress to those elderly cats and it might screw your SO’s finances.
Most people wouldn’t be able to leave immediately. Moving usually takes months to plan. Finding a place that allows pets is extremely hard even if you have time to move. Will you help her with searching for accommodation and maybe even with some financial help?
I feel like you’re partially responsible for this mess (more than your partner) since you never brought your daughter over, so she could meet the cats before moving them to your house. All this would’ve been avoided.” Labelloenchanted
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for putting everyone in this position; so many people come here saying that because of cohabitation, they have to choose between a pet/child or their partner has to make that choice.
When there are moving parts such as kids and animals in a relationship: GET EVERYONE WHO WILL RESIDE WITH AN ANIMAL ALLERGY-TESTED PRIOR TO MOVING IN TOGETHER. My word, so many people just set themselves up for failure by not thinking even half a step ahead.” deleted
Metaspoon Slow or Crashing?
If Metaspoon is causing your browser to crash or run slowly, please try viewing the article in Lite Mode and it should run more smoothly!