People Want Us To Recognize Who's To Blame In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
21. AITJ For Refusing To Stop Being Friends With Someone My Other Friend Dislikes?
“I (F/36) recently had a falling out with my longtime friend of over 20 years whom I’ll refer to as Anna. This all started for me around 05/21 when I hosted a birthday event.
I invited a friend of 10 years whom I will refer to as Barbara as well as Anna and about 16 others. About 8 months prior, my husband had mentioned that Anna and Barbara had a feud.
After the birthday events were over, I received a message from Anna stating that she did not want to be at any events to which Barbara was invited. She told me that if I planned to invite Barbara, she wanted a heads-up so she could decide if she planned to attend.
I told her that was fine with me but that I would continue to be Barbara’s friend.
I held four events after this to which I did not invite Barbara. Anna inserted herself as co-host/planner for all four events for various reasons, so I decided to not invite Barbara for consideration.
My husband mentioned to me that Anna might be purposely inserting herself into these events to prevent us from inviting Barbara since we were the couple that was closest to Barbara and her husband.
My second baby and Barbara’s first baby were also due to be born around the same time so that was another reason we would likely spend more time together in the future.
I dismissed his suspicion because I didn’t want to believe that Anna was this kind of person.
Our other friend hosted an event on 01/22 and notified Anna that she planned to invite Barbara.
Anna then replied that she would not attend and later complained to other friends that Cindy invited Barbara to their event even though my husband and I did not. This further solidified my husband’s suspicion that Anna purposefully prevented us from inviting Barbara.
This culminated in 03/2022 when I hosted the next big event. My husband and I decided that we had appeased Anna for long enough (about 10 months) and invited Barbara. Anna stated that she would not be attending the party.
She then called me about 3 days later and explained that she was going through a very tough emotional time. She explained that she just had a miscarriage after attempting IVF in March.
She concluded the call by telling me that she could no longer be my friend because she felt that I was not being loyal to her by choosing to invite Barbara in her time of need.
If we cut ties with Barbara, then we would be supporting her and be on her side.
I responded by telling her that her issues with Barbara were her own and that she shouldn’t be bringing her drama into the group dynamic.
Barbara has never asked us to exclude Anna for example. We felt that we were being neutral since neither of us know the reasons for Anna and Barbara’s falling out. My response to Anna has resulted in Anna no longer interacting with us online or in person (she is still in our group chat).
Our first group event since the falling out is actually today which has me thinking… AITJ? Should I have been more considerate?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You worked around her and gave her the benefit of the doubt for longer than I would have.
You gave her options and she chose to go catastrophic. Without knowing WHY she’s choosing this option in dealing with Barbara you can’t agree to that kind of decision. You’re pregnant and really don’t need the stress anyway.” sarahjaaa
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You went to great lengths to maintain both friendships. She couldn’t accept that. In no way is her unwillingness to compromise that your fault or your problem to solve.” excoriator
20. AITJ For Criticizing How My Sister Dresses?
“My sister graduated from college 2 years ago. Her degree was in political science with a minor in finance. She had held one job. It is her current job which she started 6 years ago.
She works part-time in a clothing store. Her goal with her degree was to work in the office of a local or state or federal politician. Or her second choice is to work at a financial firm.
It has been 2 years since she graduated and she has not had any luck getting a political or finance job.
I know the reason why. My sister only dresses in vintage. She looks like she is from the 1950s.
She calls it rockabilly. It fits in perfectly at the clothing store. But no politician or finance office is going to hire someone who dresses in 1950s clothing and shoes or hair and makeup.
My sister dresses like this 24/7 365 even when she is alone or at night. She dyes her hair red and only wears heavy makeup. The last time she was complaining to me about not being able to find a job I said she should not go to job interviews unless she is dressed in modern and business formal clothes and hair and makeup.
I only said something because she was complaining to me and would not stop.
She got really mad at me. She said I don’t understand how these types of jobs or interviews work.
That’s because I dropped out of high school after grade 10 when I was 16. I have dyslexia and my grades sucked. The school agreed to pass me at the end of grade 10 because I was dropping out.
Otherwise, I would have been held back instead of going to grade 11 and sent to a remedial school because the public school could not help me. I work in a kitchen at a restaurant since I dropped out.
I may not have gone to college or done a job interview or worked in an office but even I know that dressing in rockabilly is not allowed in a finance or politician office.
As soon as she goes to an interview like that they will say next. My sister says she should not have to compromise her identity to get a job. Even I know that is nonsense.
If she wants to dress like that in her personal time it is fine but no job she is trying for will accept it. She has the degree and the right skills but even I know the way she dresses is holding her back.
I’m 26M and she is 24F. Should I not have said what I said to her?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You really do have to ‘dress the part’ depending on your job. When I worked at conventional offices, I wore more formal, conventional clothes than I’d ever wear off the job.
That’s the way office environments are. I can tell that things are a bit looser these days, but certainly the higher up you go, the more there is a ‘standard’ you’re expected to meet.
Heck, they even have books out called ‘Dress For Success.’
You’re not ‘compromising your identity’ to change your dress for a job. You’re still you. In a sense, it’s like a job where you have to wear a uniform; do you think fast food workers, or police officers, feel like they’re compromising their identity by wearing their uniforms?
Some people are happily accepting those limitations.
I have friends with shaved heads and tattoos who know their appearance may hinder them in a job search, but they’ve accepted that they’ll just have to seek out jobs where that’s not as much of an issue, even if they’re paid less.
You weren’t wrong in saying it, but people really don’t like hearing that kind of criticism about themselves either.” stroppo
Another User Comments:
“Not the jerk! Unfortunately, she will need to learn that you have to play the part until you land the role.
In many employee handbooks and contracts, there are dress codes that typically connect in some way to business casual or a business professional or even uniforms in some settings so she would have to conform to that in some way.
Many workplaces have become relaxed with their dress codes in recent years as we’ve slightly progressed, but still, she would have to get a couple of clothing pieces that are out of her norm to get in the door at least.
Not saying it’s right, and I can see how she feels that her identity is being compromised but dressing like the 50s can be off-putting. Once people have their minds made up about how she looks physically it will directly correlate to how they perceive the remainder of her interview it’s just implicit bias 101.
She should take your advice and at least give it a try just maybe once to test it out in my opinion. Good luck with her journey!” EmbarrassedPoint3299
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She seemed in need of advice and you gave her some.
Hiring managers reject applicants for all types of superficial reasons and it is possible that the way your sister dresses is part of why. I’m personally glad society is moving in a direction of being accepting of more types of presentations but the reality is that not every industry and every town has caught up to that yet.
I’ve personally been really surprised about how conservative some employers’ attitudes are about things you’d think should be ordinary by now but that’s the reality.
The best case scenario would be that OP and I are totally wrong about the world and his sister gets a great job at a really inclusive place as soon as I hit send.
But if not, maybe (even if just to prove OP wrong) she should take the advice for a few interviews and see for herself if she notices a difference in how she’s received. Then she’ll have valuable info for herself about whether she’s willing to compromise for her desired field or if she should switch gears.” shazie1011
19. AITJ For Not Wanting My Wife To Reconnect With Her Old Friend?
“My (43M) wife Meghan (34F) and I have been together for almost 5 years. She has many friends, and over the years, I have become close with most of her friends, with one exception.
This friend, Kelly, has an extremely magnetic personality – it’s hard to completely describe, but after meeting her I understand how people fall prey to cult leaders. Kelly would routinely lie to her partners and treat her female friends like crap, but both men and women would welcome her back, basically begging for her friendship.
With her female friends, in particular, Kelly often grew jealous if they began to find success in life, and then ‘cut them out’ of the friend group by any means that she could.
My wife had generally been immune to this. She had grown up in a broken household, gotten married/divorced at a very young age (her first husband was unfaithful), struggled to make ends meet with a young son, and accumulated a bunch of college debt – so she was never a threat to be more successful.
My wife is fierce, and she has never given up, but nothing ever came easy.
When Meghan and I met, all of that changed. We moved in together, bought a house, and merged our families.
Not having to struggle with bills and childcare allowed Meghan to thrive, and she really took off professionally.
Because of this newfound success, Kelly began to get jealous and make up fabricated stories about Meghan, and the group believed Kelly (recall Kelly’s cult leader-esque effect on people).
Several of Meghan’s friends stopped communicating with her. This was devastating – Meghan turned from a strong, independent woman, to a girl that was always crying and sad. She became depressed, and for months was not a good wife or mother because she was so wrapped up in the loss of many of her friends.
Over time, most of Meghan’s friends realized that Kelly had been lying, and Meghan and her friends mended fences (this allowed Meghan to return to her usual self, albeit gradually). Kelly did not speak to Meghan for about 3 years until recently, she reached out via text and later phone to ‘apologize’.
A few days following the phone conversation, I found out that Meghan had also gone over to Kelly’s house while I was at work to ‘further talk’.
I was absolutely devastated – This may sound like me coming off as a controlling husband, but Kelly has such a negative effect on Meghan and by association, myself, and our two kids.
I was furious that she did it behind my back but even more, I was distraught that she would allow someone so toxic back into her life. I love my wife so much, and while I understand that she is a grown woman capable of making her own decisions, the protective side of me can’t stand by and repeat history with Kelly.
I basically told her that I was not OK with her allowing Kelly back into our lives.
So, I want to ask the hive mind if I am just being a husband who wants to protect his wife and family, or AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you’re on shaky ground.
You can’t outright tell her she can’t see or be friends, that just drives them to do it in secret while also being a jerk move.
The best advice is to point out and remind her of all the things she has done to herself and others.
Had a similar situation years ago, my wife’s toxic using friend who talked trash behind her back (also saw her as a personal driver and meal ticket/piggy bank). I let her walk off with an old phone I’d been tinkering with loggers on.
Wife got to see all the stuff her friend was saying about her, got to nab her friend’s logins, and got to know her friend would totally swipe stuff from her.
Friendship fizzled fast when she confronted her.
Friend reached out later, she shot her down hard saying she didn’t want any of the high school style nonsense in her life. All I did was let her see what was being said, and remind her why they stopped being friends.” Tigerdragon180
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for trying to protect your wife’s feelings.
You’ve seen her get hurt before by this person. It would be a mistake to let her back in for sure. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice… shame on me.
Should have learned this is an awful person the first time they proved not be a real friend… tread carefully though, as your wife may see it as you telling her what to do, rather than trying to protect her feelings/mental health.” hollywuud7
Another User Comments:
“I say NTJ.
But you will need to be careful how you play this out going forward. If it were me I would have a sit-down and talk about how the toxic friendship affected everyone in your family and caused your wife so much pain.
While I normally think that we shouldn’t police who our spouses are friends with, if a friend has such a terrible effect on the family unit then that person must be discussed and it should be decided together if the toxic friendship should stay or go.” dannihrynio
Don't give her ammunition. Take a step back. Support your wife. Let her learn by herself. It will blow up again, be ready to hug your wife.
18. AITJ For Leaving My Mother To Hang Out With My Partner?
“So I’m 23 and I live at home still. A lot happened in 2020 so I’m at home after college and looking for a job with my degree (which hopefully I’ll have by Monday if all goes well).
I help A LOT around the house and I help take care of my siblings as well. I also pay rent and I have a small part-time job as well.
My mother doesn’t like my SO because he was raised differently (he’s white, I’m black) and he carries himself differently than she’s used to.
I believe she finds him rude and threatening when in reality it’s just he’s confident and doesn’t take anything from others. I’m the exact opposite specifically around my family because I was raised to respect my elders and never go against what they say.
Today my brother (17) and dad are at a college visit so I’m at home with my mom and little brother (2). He’s been going through some terrible 2s issues and he’s got some bad allergies.
Nothing too crazy but he’s been a handful lately. My SO last minute asked if I could hang out today and said sure let me clear it with my mom. She said yes begrudgingly and had an attitude about it.
I feel bad I’m leaving her alone with the baby but he’s also not my child and yet I feel obligated to stay and help.
I have a constant battle in my head anytime I ask to leave the house because I’m too afraid and anxious to even bring it up.
I’m 23 I do work when I can; I pay my rent and help around the house and yet I feel like a child still. Right now I can hear her downstairs angrily ‘cleaning up’ because she’s mad I’m leaving.
Her constant interference in my relationship and my freedom has caused my SO and me many fights and I’m so tempted to cancel because I have to live here with her and I just know this will be thrown in my face.
And yet I still feel bad leaving her alone. So am I the jerk?
Edit: Can’t move out just yet. College put me in a tight spot and I only have part-time right now.
Which is why I’m still home. What little amount I make goes to my rent, basic living needs, and small savings. But like I said hopefully I will have a big girl job soon and will be looking to move out in a few months.
Also, my parents and I, fortunately, do not have a joint bank account.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She made her choices. She has to live with them.
You are not responsible to take care of the 2-year-old.
(You are 21 years older than your brother?! What on earth was she thinking?!)
You simply are going to have to grow a backbone. You are responsible for your happiness. Do not feel guilty.
You have nothing to feel guilty about.
Quit asking to leave the house. Just TELL her you are leaving. This will not change until YOU change it. She will not respect you until YOU start acting like an adult.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you’re doing everything right by your mother.
Your mum doesn’t need to approve of your partner. The kid isn’t yours. Set your boundaries, you shouldn’t get anxious about asking to leave the house. Act as if you didn’t notice the purposeful angry cleaning, passive aggression is so childish, she can use her words if she has a problem.” AlarmingGrape272
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you will be if you stay.
You’re right, they’re not your kids but it’s unlikely your mom will change at this point, and staying in this situation while acting like a victim when you’re a grown woman who pays bills won’t do you any good. You’re already paying rent so pay rent to someone else and live with roommates.” princessro123
17. AITJ For Telling My Mom My Concerns About My Financial Situation?
“I am f 25 and working in a firm, I have a younger brother who is going to college to study and to fund his education I & my father agreed on terms that I’ll take care of household expenses and he’ll save all his monthly salary.
It’s been 4 months since I am doing this and 90% of my salary goes into household chores, and sometimes my savings go too. I work often for long hours and seeing such a low amount in my bank account infuriates me a lot, most of the time my family never tells me if they are going to withdraw cash, I only get to know after getting a notification.
This is becoming so irritating I said to my mother today and now I am receiving very different treatment at home considering I already spent 90% of my salary last year on my family.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
First, at 25, no one but you should have access to your account, so get yourself a new account at a new bank with only your name on it. Second, talk with your parents and come up with a reasonable budget for the household and what your share should be, then only pay them that once a month and no more.
Right now no one has any incentive to spend less other than you. Time to put them on a budget and don’t offer a cent more than agreed.
Lastly, it might be cheaper for you to move out and share a place with roommates.
You are not in any way obligated to support your parents or your brother. You will have to assess if living on your own would cost more or less than 90% of your salary for everything, rent, food, utilities, insurance, etc.
Without knowing where you live and how much you make we can’t know if 90% is a bargain or ridiculously high.” katamino
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ
They are taking advantage of you. How dare they feel entitled to take 90% of your earnings?
Make a new bank account they don’t have access to immediately.
Give them a monthly agreed-upon sum. Do it as a wireless transfer or as documented cash exchange. DO NOT give them a check—a check has your account and routing number on it and they can use that to get into your accounts—checks are notoriously not secure.
They may be nasty to you but remember that they are taking advantage of you. And honestly, if this persists, it may be better to move out and live with some roommates.
This current situation is not sustainable.” limegeuse
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You are being used. Your family members just withdrawing from your account is unacceptable.
The other posters are correct. You need to go down and close this account and start a new account at a different bank and not give anyone else access to it.
Explain to Dad that you never intended to give anyone complete access to your funds such that others would be withdrawing from your account. Come to a new agreement on how you’ll help, such as you paying a reasonable amount for rent and your share of food and utilities while contributing a set amount to your brother’s tuition (pay directly to the school).
If your father complains, ask to see his bank statement for proof that he has deposited the equivalent of one month of your salary into savings every month for the last four months.
(It’s unlikely that he has been saving that much.)
Ultimately, if you can financially support the entire household, you can afford to move out on your own. If your family hassles you, leave.” teresajs
16. AITJ For Flipping Out At My Mom For Trying To Control Me?
“My mom and I (22f) have a rather hot and cold relationship. What made our relationship worse is that she wants to start making plans for me after college. In February, I was honest with her about being aimless and not wanting to attend college, and spending thousands of dollars just to regret it later.
She thinks it’s ’embarrassing’ that all of my classmates who went to college are about to graduate and that someone who graduated salutatorian is still coasting in life.
I told her that the schedule I make for my life would be one that I’m happy with and that I’m not going to compare myself to other people.
She brought it up again a week later and I told her I would finish up my core classes and then save up a couple of thousand dollars and go from there.
She lost her mind because of the matter-of-fact tone I took and says she’ll stop paying for my car insurance, as that’s the one bill that’s unmanageable for me. I said ok (it’s her money, I won’t argue that) and later on, my grandpa called offering to help and tell me what my mom was saying about me.
It boils down to me doing illegal stuff, I dropped out of college, etc.
She kept on pursuing the issue over the course of two months. I shared minimal details with her and kept reiterating to her I would not be on her insurance.
She came into my work, asking why I wasn’t calling back and about the insurance to which I rebuffed her both times. I called my grandfather on my break, and he mentioned that I ‘need to check my mailbox because your momma is complaining about how full it is.’ I don’t check my mail, most of it is for people who lived in my apartment before.
However, there is no way to know how full my mailbox is without physically opening it. That detail kept bothering me, and when I was half asleep I sent the message ‘Stop going through my mailbox when you visit my apartment.’ Went to sleep and woke up to her saying she didn’t go through my mailbox and how she was done with me.
I took the opportunity to type out a text saying what’s on my mind I’ll summarize what I said. I said, ‘You don’t like how I speak, no matter what, and I’m tired of trying to appeal to you now that I’m ‘grown’.
Grandpa mentioned the mail, it bothered me so I said something. Honestly, I think you don’t have good intentions for me and are looking for ways to control me, one way by accusing me of living a fast and loose lifestyle to family you know I consistently speak to.’
She flips out, she calls my grandfather a liar over the mail thing (not over the lifestyle thing though), that I’m ungrateful for all the things she did for me, that she’ll be asking the boys what they’ve been saying to me, and that she’ll be taking me to small claims for the funds she kept paying for my insurance if I don’t pay her back in 10 days.
Even though I told her not to.
Although I have a couple of reasons why this is nasty of her, it doesn’t matter. I’m honestly just wondering am I the jerk in this situation?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your mom actually reminds me a lot of my mom, and I feel for you. I think it’s good for you to stand up to her because you’re an adult and it’s your life to live.
I seriously doubt that the small claims court thing would go very far, I think she’s just trying to get a reaction from you. Lean into your grandfather for support, he seems to understand what you’re dealing with.
Once you’ve got this insurance thing figured out I would keep trying to distance her for now and work on your own healing. Having a narcissistic mom is hard to deal with and I wouldn’t expect her to change anytime soon.
You need to think about what you want y’all’s relationship to look like moving forward. For me, it was going limited contact, and setting firm boundaries. It’s not perfect, but I’m happier this way and I have more control. Best of luck OP.” 1smallghost
15. AITJ For Not Attending My Friend's Baby Shower?
“My wife (28f) and I (28m) had a baby almost 6 months ago and we love every second of it. While she was pregnant, we had a gender reveal, baby shower, and a few bbq/parties in between just to accommodate everyone who maybe couldn’t make it to one of the events.
During all of those, one of our friends and his wife didn’t come. They told us every time they might not be able to make it and didn’t come to any of them.
It upset us, but we understand sometimes things happen. We also know our friend’s wife lost her baby a month or two before the baby shower, so I’m sure she just didn’t want to be around baby-related stuff.
So we understand. Luckily, however, they got pregnant again shortly after and now they’re expected to give birth in a few months.
About two months ago my friend texted my wife and me telling us about their baby shower and I made sure to call off work for it.
About 3 weeks ago they changed the date and location of the shower, and I made sure again to call off it. My wife however made plans to take baby pictures that day with a photographer about an hour away from home and we agreed without even thinking about the baby shower.
We completely forgot it was today until late this morning and realized we probably won’t make it to the shower on time.
I called my friend trying to explain and he said ‘oh ok no worries’ and hung up.
Now he’s ignoring my calls because I was trying to explain the situation further to him but didn’t really get a chance to do so. So now I feel like he’s mad at me and the rest of our friend group might be as well.
We already bought them a really nice gift and plan on giving it to them when we see them next. We just got really mixed up with scheduling and feel bad about it, but I feel like this could be understandable because since we had this baby our lives have been a lot different and a little more hectic.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here but if the event was today and you’re still trying to call him to explain… why? They’re still probably busy with the baby shower and guests.
Leave them alone. You already said you couldn’t make it, don’t keep trying to drag it out.” MagicalJunicorn
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It was unintentional and if your friend can’t even respond to you to hear the reasoning behind it when they didn’t even respond to any of y’all’s dates at all, I’d say it’s probably time to leave that friendship where it is.
I think it’s wild that they can’t come to any of y’all’s and at the very least just be supportive of you guys but then get upset with y’all when you can’t attend theirs bc you had prior plans before they rescheduled it.
They sound a little childish.” Dearm000n
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
The lack of a response to your excuse isn’t a negative unless you’re leaving out details like that the party was weeks ago and your friend group has since met multiple times without inviting you.
You don’t need to be involved with friends all the time.
I think you’re projecting your feelings of disappointment that they didn’t attend your events onto them and assuming they feel the same about you.
That may or may not be true, but there is no evidence to go off of.” shy_ally
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are overthinking this. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Life happens.
The simple way to handle this is just to send him a text (or letter) explaining what happened. You can cut and paste your post. If they don’t understand, then they aren’t worth remaining friends with.” User
14. AITJ For Taking My Partner's Name Off A Project?
“In one of my classes, we were assigned a project, making a slide presentation on our current unit, one of the girls is named Melissa. We share two other classes. We agreed to split the classes we share and I do the work for class A and she does B.
She has never done it. I have been doing both lately and sharing it. The only reason I say this is because she has a pattern of not doing any work in class and asking me for answers after.
She also does this with group projects, always insisting I take the lead and texting most of the time. She doesn’t get told off by the teachers often because (I think) she has an arrangement with the teachers because she uses her phone openly in class and has told me that she is allowed.
I watch her as she uses it, she texts and takes pictures, she says she’s texting mom or checking grades whenever questioned. It’s frustrating for me because she always seems to have something that prevents her from doing her work.
The day that the project was due, I had a very busy week and had not realized the project was due (irresponsible I know). I tell my other partner, Ava. We start working on it and we get pretty far and I finish my portion after-school and she finishes in class.
She asks if we add Melissa (who is in the bathroom during this). I reluctantly agree (I realize that I should have told Ava about Melissa’s pattern.)
When Melissa comes back, I tell her about the project and how I and Ava didn’t know but we were able to finish our portion (or mostly in my case) during class.
Her portion is fairly simple – finding a recipe, that’s it. She says she will try and refuses to work on it in class while we have 10ish minutes remaining.
The next day, Melissa’s portion is not done and she hasn’t even opened the document.
I confront her when I see her in one of the classes we share which Ava is not in. She says that she had chores and was busy. I remind her that she has both mine and Ava’s numbers and could have let any of us know anytime.
She argues that she didn’t know she was going to get assigned chores. I told her that while she was right about her telling me the day before, she could have texted me, the teacher, or Ava.
She insists on finishing it, but I don’t let her. I was angry and felt betrayed that I trusted her even after knowing her pattern. I texted Ava and let her know she gave me the okay and go ahead to continue the project without Melissa.
I took her name off and finished the portion.
Melissa is a good friend though despite this and I am not sure if I did the right thing but instead reacted angrily about her not taking initiative after knowing her situation so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
If you go to further education at a tertiary level (I’ve made the assumption that this is high school or lower) you’ll probably be given information on the ethics of project work, including participation and contribution.
It’s not much fun excluding her but if she doesn’t contribute then she doesn’t get to be included in the final work. You gave her reminders, and even though you’d forgotten and informed her last minute she also had an obligation to remember the due date so that’s a poor excuse on her part.” GodsEyelashes
Another User Comments:
“I think you need to look up the meaning of good friend.
She is anything but a good friend. A good friend would have never done that to you.
NTJ. Consider not grouping up or relying on her at all in the future.” MersWhaawhaa
13. AITJ For Refusing To Let My Fiancée's Sister Move In With Us?
“My lovely fiancee and I just moved into a house together and she wants to let her sister live with us for a year for a small amount of rent. I do know her sister well but I am not comfortable being ‘myself’ with my fiancee around her sister.
We’re both lovey-dovey and sweet to each other all the time, and this is not the case when her sister is around. We’re both more reserved around family in general.
I don’t want our relationship to be changed like this in the year or so before we get married.
And I’m pretty sad about the whole situation because I like her sister and I want to support her but I feel as if it will encroach upon our relationship. For a bit more detail, she is moving here for a year to attend graduate school.
My fiancee’s parents are paying for the tuition, and are absolutely wealthy enough to pay for her to live somewhere else in the city. We’re not even that close to her school…
But we are by far the cheapest (the rent we would charge is about 1/2 of what she’d have to pay to live elsewhere in the city) and the least effort option in town, so that’s why her parents want this arrangement.
My fiancee is actually pretty understanding about my feelings on this and seems to agree with me, but just doesn’t want to let her sister or parents down… so I don’t know what we should do about this to not upset anyone too much.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
It would be one thing if her sister was truly stuck, such as this would prevent her from attending uni, or it was a much shorter period but when she has other options and it’s for a whole year I don’t think you are a jerk to say no.
I think the fact that you are just moving in together is also a good reason to say no (considering she has other options). You need time to get used to living with each other without a third party.
And it’s fair enough for you to want to be comfortable in your home rather than always in hosting a guest mode, which is something your partner won’t have to deal with as it’s her sister.” CheerilyTerrified
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I totally hear you.
I think maybe the route to go down is that she’d be better off having her own space where she feels comfortable bringing back friends, playing music, and doing age-appropriate activities, without disrupting your home life.
It’ll be good for her to live on her own yadda yadda.
Your fiancée should say to your parents ‘look, we’ve been thinking about it and we’re getting married next year, if my sister moves in and if it doesn’t work out, it’s going to make the year awkward for all involved.
And if I was her age, I’d want my own place.'” jjswin
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
This would be a challenge. I think you’ve raised your concerns, but possibly not helped your fiancée understand the full ramifications.
The next time you talk to her about it, perhaps present it as if you guys were throwing a year-long get-together with family. Point out that how you act and behave at family parties is pretty much how you’ll act when the sister is living there.
She’ll need to be ready for you to be more ‘distant’ for however long she is there and the impact that will have on the relationship. Alternatively, if you’re being particularly ‘lovey-dovey’ some evening, make a comment about how you’ll miss that if the sister moves in.
I’m sorry that you’re being put in this position. There really is no winning in the end here, just mitigation and choosing the least bad option and I think that really sucks.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It’s less bad since there’s a definite, real timeline – unlike many of the ‘my relative wants to move in for just a few months’ posts – but if you don’t want her there, that’s fine.
It’s not an emergency – it’s just a convenience for her – but a major inconvenience for you. If she’s there, any little annoyances that come up between you and your fiancee will probably be much worse because of the added aggravation of an extra person being around.” MythologicalRiddle
12. AITJ For Being Careless With My Phone?
“My cardiologist said that I needed to get a watch with a built-in ECG monitor, and apparently apple was the best one. I have a Samsung phone, and apple watches are only compatible with apple so I got a new iPhone 13 along with an apple watch.
I am very grateful for this, and it’s my early birthday and Christmas present combined.
As I was standing up from the dinner table, my phone dropped out of my pocket. It’s probably worth mentioning that I was wearing women’s joggers, which have appalling pockets that aren’t quite deep enough.
I obviously didn’t mean to drop it, and I’ve been taking extra care with my phone, making sure it’s always tightly in my hands. As soon as it happened, I started panicking hard, I hoped I hadn’t chipped it or anything, but I didn’t show that I was worried at all.
I tend not to outwardly express myself no matter how nervous or excited I am. I picked it up, saw it had no cracks or scratches, felt relief, and placed it back in my pocket.
My mum immediately started shouting and screaming at me, getting very annoyed that I dropped it. She was making it seem like I purposely dropped my phone, even though it just fell out of my pocket, which I can’t really control.
She started saying ‘why don’t you take better care of your things?’ and I try very hard to do that, but accidents and mistakes happen
It’s fair enough to try and take care of the stuff you have, so I can see why she’s annoyed from that point of view, it’s just that she never takes the same approach to her belongings.
If she drops her phone it’s all jokes and laughter, it doesn’t really matter. It’s only a big deal if it isn’t her who’s made the mistake.
In the scenario that my phone did crack from the fall, the only thing that would happen is I would have to take a £3.60 bus to the apple store and pay 25 pounds for a repair, as we took insurance out on it.
I don’t understand why it’s a massive deal that I made a mistake, one that is easily fixable.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I get the feeling your mom is one of those people who cope with their own self-perceived shortcomings by lashing out at other people.
They don’t know how to fix the problems they see in themselves, and it’s easier to criticize somebody else for it than to introspect and improve. It’s a toxic coping mechanism that not only sheds toxicity on those around them, it only serves to reinforce the self-loathing tendency in the first place.
After all, if they’re justified in excoriating you for it, then even if they’re consciously avoiding it, the negative self-judgment becomes more deeply engraved on their subconscious realities. And it’s often for little, inconsequential things, like occasional and inopportune clumsiness.” TurtleTheMoon
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for acting spoilt here.
To be honest, iPhones are expensive for many people, so if she’s spent money on it and she sees you dropping it then, insurance or not, it’s obviously going to annoy her.
You said you couldn’t ‘really control’ it. Well you can, you make sure your expensive phone stays in your pocket when you stand up. I have shorts like that and I just take care when I’m wearing them.
Also, £28.60 is a lot for some families, it can be a week’s food, so I wouldn’t be so dismissive of the value, it makes you look spoilt and out of touch.” jjswin
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Mistakes happen. However, and I mean this in a nice way, you need to grow a backbone. This was none of your mother’s business.
Also, she overreacted big time. You need to stop taking to heart what she says.
Just think to yourself, ‘If I respected your opinion, what you just said would bother me. However, since I don’t, it doesn’t.’ Although, now that I think about it, you might try actually saying this to her! It might make a world of difference in your relationship.” User
If you are a minor and she purchased the 2 expensive items for you, while I still thinks it’s an over-reaction it’s maybe a bit more understandable. A bit.
If you’re and adult and purchased them yourself, then I’d probably have told her to simmer down, that I accidentally dropped it and didn’t intentionally throw it across the room.
And the next time I was with her and she dropped something, I’d go into her tirade word for for word at her.
11. AITJ For Setting Up My Friend With An Overweight Friend?
“I (23F) have 2 friends (20M and 21F) and I think they’d get along really well, so I contacted both of them and asked them if they’d be down to get set up, and they just started texting.
However, the girl is overweight. She’s always been overweight. She’s not obese or anything, but she is fairly heavier than average. The guy is super sweet and cute and I figured that if he wasn’t attracted to her then he’d just politely friend-zone her.
My dad, however, told me that apparently I’m supposed to let a person know that I’m trying to set them up with someone overweight. But that just seems so disgusting and mean.
I know that a lot of people have certain physical preferences and aren’t attracted to people of a certain weight, but it just seems so gross to do it like that; maybe they’ll vibe really nicely and the attraction will develop…
My dad suggested I have my partner ask this guy if he’s ok with her being overweight, but this was after I already got their okays and they’d started texting, so I guess it would be more of a ‘next time’ thing.
But it’s just so awkward and uncomfortable and I never want to reduce anyone to their weight like that.
I myself am demisexual (attracted to someone only after they’ve developed a close emotional bond with them) and I just often don’t have a good frame of reference for ‘attraction’ because I’m so rarely attracted to anyone (I wasn’t attracted to my current partner until about 4 months into our relationship, because for me, attraction needs to ‘develop’), and I feel like I really messed up here.
I didn’t even send them pictures of the other person, which in retrospect seems so stupid and obvious, but at the time I felt so awkward about it and I didn’t want to reduce it to appearances because attraction can develop… but maybe that’s just me! I feel very dumb.
What should I have done here? Am I the jerk? Or just a jerk in general? This whole situation is so awkward and uncomfortable. Ahhh.
Update:
They ended up going out multiple times! Things didn’t work out in the end, but I was right to think they’d have a good dynamic, and they went out several times so I don’t think the attraction thing was an issue at all.
I had a convo with my sister about things and realized that both of my parents have very unhealthy ideas surrounding weight, which is something we’ve both struggled with (both of us have always been careful about our eating habits to ensure that we don’t get obsessive about anything because we’re aware of how our parents’ comments can affect us).
I don’t think my dad was right to insist that I ‘warn’ someone before setting them up with someone who is overweight, but I know now that I should first make sure someone knows that they have the opportunity to ask for a pic of the other person before going, so they can see if it’s someone they’d potentially be attracted to.
But weight is one factor out of many that determines what someone looks like.
People discriminate based on all sorts of things when it comes to attraction, and I think it’s silly to specifically single out one trait and stick that onto someone like a label.
I’ll be willing to send a pic in the future, but I think this experience has just confirmed that my dad is not always right and sometimes suggests things that go against my own value system.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
People are more than just their physical looks.
That said, you were a little short-sighted. The majority of people do have physical preferences. You took your own way of attraction and kind of projected that onto others. As you noted, you should have sent pictures – but the key to matchmaking is to play up who they are as people.
Fewer surprises mean fewer obstacles.” Godaistudios
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, as long as your dad’s suggestion was based on possibly preventing your female friend’s feelings from being hurt and not on concern that your male friend was being set up with someone he may not find attractive.
I assume that if either of your friends were really concerned with appearance, they would have asked you for pictures before beginning to text each other. Since they didn’t, maybe they’re like you and are ok with getting to know the other person first.
If it doesn’t work out because of appearances, and either of your friends ends up getting hurt, you’ll probably think twice before playing matchmaker again.” Teacher-Investor
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ. You made the introduction, and they are talking, so they can easily exchange photos if they want (and have probably already looked each other up on social media or whatever anyway).
Full disclosure, I’m a woman, and I’m probably older than your dad. Let me explain what your dad is talking about.
Back then, a blind meeting meant that people would know nothing about the other person except what they had been told, until the actual day.
It also usually meant that the guy would pick up the girl in his vehicle, so she’d be stuck with him for the duration of it.
Yes, back then it would be disclosed if the girl was on the heavier side.
Your dad seems very confused about why things were done that way, though.
Most times, these were set up by girls setting up their single friends. Since guys were usually very ‘picky’ back then, the weight would be mentioned, but not for the reason you might think.
If he was going to be a jerk over her weight, as many guys were, you’d know by his reaction beforehand and not set them up.
In other words, weight was disclosed only to protect the girl, from being stuck with a jerk who would only be mean to her and hurt her feelings.
It was just women protecting other women from bad situations by gauging the guy’s reaction before introducing their friend, and nothing more.
Your dad seems to think the girl’s weight was disclosed to protect the guy, so…
well, you can draw your own conclusion from that, but it did give me a chuckle.
There are no longer truly ‘blind’ meets when you can look up details (including photos) with a simple Google search, so the old ‘rules’ are no longer necessary.
You, therefore, didn’t do anything wrong.
I don’t think I’d be taking any advice from your dad, though. He sounds like the kind of jerk I’d have to protect my friends from seeing, to be honest.” BhagavanAntler
10. AITJ For Wanting To Go On A Trip?
“In my previous school (I moved), there was an event for a trip to Europe during the summer (it’s an expensive trip, more than $4000). As long as you passed grade 9, you could go.
At the time it was announced, my friends were talking about it and eventually, 2 of them convinced their parents to go. I really wanted to go as well so I talked to my parents who also signed me up for it.
It was something I was really looking forward to as it was a 10-day trip and we’d be taking a plane there. There were gonna be a lot of activities available like trips to a museum, sightseeing, etc.
Well, a few months after my parents signed me up some problems started to flare up within my family and my mom talked about leaving the country to go to Korea during the summer to get away from my dad – which was the time of the trip.
When we talked about it I brought up my trip and she said she’d try to figure something out, but without confirming anything she ended up canceling the trip without telling me.
She only brought it up in a conversation after it happened.
At the time, I didn’t mind since – well we’d be going to Korea right? Well no. As always, she gave my dad a ‘second chance’ and decided we wouldn’t have to leave.
When I asked about my trip she brushed it off and changed the subject.
About maybe 2 weeks ago I visited my friends in the previous city I lived in, and I met up with the 2 who were going on the trip.
They asked me about it and said I have a possible chance of going since they didn’t take everyone’s passports, etc yet. I went to ask my mom about it and she was quiet the entire time I talked.
I said it was unfair she canceled the trip to go to Korea when we didn’t even go but she got mad at me and said it already happened and it was too late.
She also brought up the price of the trip, which I understand is a lot and I know my parents can’t just pull that out of their pockets. I got upset and started tearing up a bit, to which my mom responded with a ‘why can’t you think about our situation? Why do you think it’s all about you?’
Sometime later (yesterday) I asked both my dad and mom, and my dad said he wanted me to go so I could have a good experience.
They told me to give them a few hours to talk and I did, but my mom ended up telling me it wouldn’t happen and that I could just plan a trip with my friends when I turn 18 (which is in 2 years).
She said it was a tough situation because of the money and that it was probably too late anyways. I got upset and left the room while she was still talking and slammed the door while leaving.
Now she’s mad at me and thinks I overreacted. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ because of the fact that you were previously signed up to go, she canceled your trip to get you both an escape to Korea, then canceled that trip because she had a change of heart.
And then decided to use money as an excuse to get you to shut up so she could continue to ignore her own trashy actions.
Trust me, I’ve been in similar situations. You’re 16 and have no control here, of course you’re going to be annoyed, and your mother is out of line for downplaying your feelings.
You shouldn’t have to worry about your family’s finances, and if they were gonna be an issue, she should have said so in the first place instead of giving you false hope.
If she doesn’t have the money now, and you don’t have a job, there is no way that you’re gonna be able to go when you’re 18. Financial situations don’t change that fast, and it really doesn’t sound like she cares enough to start saving up for you to go now.” Anime-Queen-4242
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
It’s okay to be frustrated, it sounds like an awesome experience. But your parents made it clear that it’s too expensive for them, and they can’t do that now. You are almost 18 and you should be able to understand that if they could they would let you go, but they can’t.
Slamming doors and being rude will not help your situation at all.” kiwiparallels
Another User Comments:
“Mostly NTJ – you’re stuck in the middle of family drama and that uncertainty is your parents’ fault.
It accounts for a little of the emotional upset at the whole situation and it isn’t your fault.
Your parents agreeing (knowing they are having issues) and then canceling without telling you – is a jerk move on their part.
Asking for an expensive trip isn’t being a jerk – expecting that trip when significant life events have changed – that would be a jerk move.
I’m sorry the experience of having a school trip with your friends is out of your reach — but planning and making sure you can have one for your 18th is not a bad deal.
It is something to look forward to and plan for and maybe it can be even better than the one you’re missing.
However, if you act entitled and angry, and rude to your parents – there’s a good chance that something will prevent that trip from happening.
When you have a chance to cool off – I would suggest you tell your parents in a calm tone how disappointed you were – not in what happened, but in how it was communicated and happened.
Then take them up on the offer for a trip for your 18th.
Use this as a chance to take charge of things – set aside a budget (maybe open a savings account for it) and make some contributions yourself.
Plan it all, do research, and take on a summer job to help contribute.
In other words – you’re not a jerk for being upset and angry about being disappointed about this. You will be a jerk if you let it continue to make you act like an entitled child and cause more strife in your home.
Also – your parents need to be honest with you and work on their relationship – putting a 16yo in the middle of their nonsense is a jerk move.” AnybodyMassive1610
I’m going to give you some other food for thought.
Your parents marital situation sounds unstable. Your mother also did something sneaky in terms of cancelling the trip without really telling you, then telling you about a move to Korea that didn’t happen and so forth.
So you’ll need to start to prepare now for future occurrences like this. Get a job. Start saving money in an account that is only in your name (I’m thinking parents with the “financial issues and unstable marital situation” would feel free to help themselves to your money if something came up. Don’t count on your parents for paying for any trip when you’re 18. Past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior.
In other words, by the time you’re 18 you may have to be an adult, so start preparing now.
9. AITJ For Not Allowing My Son To Attend An After-Prom Party?
“My son is a junior in HS and went to his first PROM last weekend. All went well and he looked so handsome with his date, a girl in his class. He came home around 10.30p and said they were invited to a party being thrown by a senior that I’m not familiar with.
He never brought up any plans for a party. His dad and I were asking questions and as he was trying to show me the party venue on his phone, I saw his date was snap-chatting and calling him.
I looked at the group chat thread and the host was telling them that drinks were allowed and that they should come with their own drinks.
I was like GOD NO, you’re not going anywhere.
I’m not sure if he was gonna be the designated driver but he was planning to pick up his date and 2 other friends before heading to the party. He still has a conditional license so he shouldn’t be driving that late.
I didn’t tell my husband what I read on the chats because I know he’ll be very mad that they were planning underage drinking at this party. I talked to my son in private and he said ‘Mom I’m not stupid.
I don’t and won’t do any of those things. Some of my friends drink and smoke but I have no desire to. I have the wisdom not to give in to peer pressure.
You and dad are too restrictive.’ He’s been so moody and withdrawn since. AITJ?
I did not go to school in the US so PROM is a new experience for me. I was very sheltered, I recall in my first year of university (was 18 or 19) my dad stopped me from going to a party.
(I went from home the first 2 yrs of Uni) I lied and told him the party was from 4 pm-9 pm and he said 9 pm was too late for a young girl.
Meanwhile, the party was gonna start at 10 pm. I don’t want to be as strict as my dad but I think he’s still too young for all-night parties.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sucks being the bad cop but it’s a role a parent has to play.
Your son is still a minor and it’s your responsibility to ensure his safety. If he was a legal adult, you’d be the jerk as he’s a junior in HS, your actions were fair.
He got to attend the prom and stay out reasonably late. Sure it’s not into the wee hours of the morning but it’s still a good way to give him a taste of things to come.
He’s moping and I get it. He sees his friends doing these awesome things and his mother is a total wet blanket. A bummer. What a buzzkill. Of course, he’s going to brood about it.
He tested his new-bound limits and found the electric fence. But once a new shiny comes along he’ll pull out of it. After all, as a teen, you’ve got some adult-like freedoms.
It’s so close you can practically feel but nope. You’re on a tether, being teased with the delicious treat just out of your reach.” nikkesen
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You should’ve trusted him and reminded him if he made a mistake you’re there for him.
Be the parent your kid can call at 3 am because he did decide to drink and knows he can’t safely drive. It’s either that or the chance you’re the parent getting woken up at 3 am by the cops telling you your kid is dead from driving under the influence.
Kids are going to do dumb stuff. You can either be the one being told about it or be the one they’re hiding it from.” jnnmommy
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, valid decision.
But my personal opinion is that you should pretty much let him do whatever he wants if he’s given you no reason not to trust him. My parents stopped checking my grades after 7th grade and left everything up to me.
All they asked was to text if I was gonna be staying out late. From my perspective, it was the best thing they could’ve done for me.
College is only a few years away, and he’s gonna have a tough time if he doesn’t learn to make healthy independent decisions now, without the outside influence of parental restrictions.
If you don’t give him the freedom to make mistakes now, he’s going to enjoy making those mistakes too much as soon as you aren’t over his shoulder.” dhaugh
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – for the sole factor that some of your reasons suck.
You could’ve said…
‘Oh I don’t want you driving that late because of the conditional license and your father and I are going to sleep and can’t take you and I’m uncomfortable not having much information about the party.’
News flash, high school parties involve drinking and being out late and sometimes they are last minute! ‘You can’t go to that party because I don’t know the kid and there’s booze there’ are crappy reasons.
Your son is in high school you are not going to know every friend he has, a lot of HS parties involve drinking but your son clearly hasn’t broken your trust. Your son is probably moody and withdrawn because he just realized you don’t trust him, and he won’t be able to attend any fun parties or hangouts because of you.” Flimsy-Dragonfly-178
8. AITJ For Not Being Happy In My Fiancé's Country?
“I’ve been with my fiance for close to 4 years and we’ve been engaged for about 2. We’ve been long-distance the entire time up until a week ago when I was able to move to his country on a fiance visa.
The entire time we’ve been engaged we’ve planned for me to immigrate to his country instead of him coming to mine for a few reasons (I recently graduated with a bachelor’s meaning it will theoretically be easier for me to find work here than it would have been for him to find work in my country.
His mother is of advanced age and is better off with her son closer to her which we both readily agreed on. The immigration process for a fiance visa for me to come to his country was much faster than the fiance visa process for him to come to mine.)
This past September I spent a month in his country with him after we were separated in 2020 (we had plans to see each other several times in each other’s countries for about 10 days at a time while I had breaks in school and he had time off work).
During that month I realized I strongly disliked being in his country. I didn’t and don’t think it’s a worse country than mine. My country is deeply flawed and complex, but it’s my home and I missed it terribly and miss it even more now.
Personally, I don’t feel comfortable with the population density here, the private or public transportation, the weather, or the extreme distance from my family. I spoke to my fiance about all this when I was here last September, explaining that I felt claustrophobic, sick, and missed my family to the point of crying most nights (when I was here a few months ago and now).
I didn’t want to move to his country anymore and wanted us to talk about the possibility of him moving to mine.
He rightfully pointed out that a month wasn’t long enough to form a real opinion as I hadn’t/haven’t adjusted yet.
However, this time around I still can’t shake any of these feelings. I know I’ve only been here a week again and I should try to adjust more before making any decisions.
Should I be adjusting faster/better? Was a month enough to know that I didn’t want to move here? Should I have stuck to my guns and refused to move here? Do I need to suck it up and just wait to adjust? I have no friends or family here and I can’t bring myself to talk to my fiance about this just yet and disappoint him again if I’m overreacting/being silly/a jerk.
I guess I just need some perspective.
All in all, am I a jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here but a month is not enough time. It takes at least 6 months to start feeling settled, becoming familiar/comfortable with all the new things around, and putting down roots.
I’d say give yourself more time, but try not to do it in a ‘foot tapping with impatience’ way. Try to sit back and see what happens. Give the place a chance.
Go out exploring. Try new restaurants. If after 6 or so months you still feel this same way, then have another talk with your fiance.” JanetInSpain
Another User Comments:
“It takes a lot to adjust to a new place.
I moved from outside NYC to Colorado in Sept of 2020 after I married my husband. I spent 3 weeks visiting in July of 2020. He has been my best friend for 20 years and I had to move because he owned a business in Colorado even though all our family was back east.
It has been a HARD adjustment and I really struggled to adjust leaving my support system and social network behind. He only had a few friends out here and trying to make friends in the past years was really difficult.
It was a solid 15 months till I really adjusted so it’ll take some time.
Also if you’re finding you’re uncomfortable being together it’s OK to walk away and not get married. 11 years ago I called off my engagement after moving 2,000 miles from my family with a man who was deployed for most of our 2.5-year relationship.
We Skyped every day and would see each other for a few weeks every 8-9 months but it wasn’t till we were in the same place that I realized it wasn’t going to work. Trust your gut and know it’s easier to call off a marriage than go through a divorce. Sending you good vibes. NTJ.” Kind_Emu_1031
7. AITJ For Being Annoyed About The Thermostat?
“I am 23M, and I shower once a day before bed. I really want to specify that I am not a weird slob because that is important here.
My roommates (24F, 25A) keep the thermostat at 78, combined with the area being super humid right now.
That combination is both making us sweat and have issues sleeping. They simultaneously refuse to run the AC, despite bills being split, and get annoyed about me being sweaty. It’s gotten to the point where I am running my sheets every other day because I am sweating that hard.
I’m not asking for 65 or something, but just like 74, and as a result, dehumidify the place.
And for those of you saying ‘just get a portable air conditioner’, I retort with ‘literally just wear a shirt or something’.
I just don’t see why I should be expected to invest almost $100 to save my roommates $5 a month in electricity.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They’re worried about the extra funds they’d have to pay by lowering the temp a few degrees but they’re okay with the extra funds they’d have to pay if you have to wash your sheets every other day, shower twice daily, and/or run a portable AC.
That doesn’t make a lick of sense to me.
If they want to keep the temp that high, they don’t get to complain about you being sweaty. They can’t have it both ways.” miasabine
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
One of the little things that no one tells you about which makes a BIG difference when living with someone is temperature. Some people run hot, that’s just how they are. Other people run cold.
If you like to run the AC when it’s warm but you live with someone who doesn’t feel the need – that’s going to get old fast. As you have learned, it’s imperative that you live with people who are compatible in what constitutes a comfortable temperature.” disruptionisbliss
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but really, unless you have a plan to move out, you need to deal with the problem at hand–you’re uncomfortable in your living space, to the point that you can’t sleep.
You don’t know that this will only cost your roommates only $5 in electricity–I suspect it is substantially more per month to run the AC lower. Can you research the electric bill and find out?
Your landlord might have some things to say about dehumidifying if this is noticeable a problem of moisture and not enough ventilation.
But you also may need to suck it up and just spend the money AND be prepared to pay the difference in the electric bill if you only cool your room (and I read your edit about the noise, but how much less noisy is the house/apartment HVAC system?)” Sea-Mud5386
6. AITJ For Wanting More From The Guy I'm Talking To?
“I started talking to this guy online & now we’re really good friends. We talk every day, even at night time. Now, this guy is a really confused jerk, he has multiple crushes who he tells me about and I don’t really like it.
I am not that jealous of any of the girls he has a crush on, and neither do I have a crush on him (or I don’t know, maybe). But I do feel a tad bit bad or jealous for that matter when he talks to me about the other girls, how they’re so hot and his type, and how he’s addicted to them.
Also, I am one of his online friends so he probably has many but always tells me how I am different than the other girls he talks to.
I pretend not to care about him or don’t care about what he does or feels about other girls but I’m not really jealous, I don’t really know how to explain what I feel.
He once left my call on hold saying he’d be back but never came back, I could see he was online so he was talking to some other girl prettier than me while I was waiting for him to come back as he said he would but he didn’t.
Now I know he doesn’t feel for me the way he feels for other girls but as a friend, I just want a little attention I think. I don’t know what it is.
I don’t want to feel that way. I am not jealous but I want him to talk to me like he does with his other friends all the time. Maybe I am boring but I just keep thinking about him.
Right now probably, he’s talking to his favorite crush I think. Cause he again left the conversation midway.
AITJ for feeling that way? Am I being jealous of other girls? I don’t wish bad upon them it’s just…
I don’t know. Am I wrong to talk to a person (casually of course but a little more than friends) whom I know has many other crushes and I ain’t one of them?
P.S.: Just for some context since I thought things weren’t a little clear.
We basically talk about our day and share many things which is why we got close but he probably talks to other people as well. I am not wasting all my time on him coz we usually talk in the evening mostly, coz of my schedule & he’ll always come & start the convo, confront me for not texting first (which I think is sweet), and call out of the blue while chatting.
He usually flirts & then goes on telling how he’s crazy for the others. The other girls know he has a crush on them. And he too thinks that I am crushing on him.
But that doesn’t change anything. I just don’t feel good when he talks about others to me like that.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here: I think you have to be honest with yourself, it seems you yearn for more than simple friendship with this lad.
That’s fine but have some respect for yourself. Friends don’t leave other friends hanging when something interesting catches their eye, he should show you more respect, and if he doesn’t then you demand it from him and assert healthy boundaries so he doesn’t take your friendship for granted.
Devil’s advocate – he’s maybe trying to make you jealous? However, it may be that you’re in the friend zone, and you’d need to accept that but it doesn’t mean you need to accept being treated as a doormat.” Southern-Physics6488
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
I’m going with this because you say he’s a jerk and yet expect something better from him.
You know what he’s all about and are expecting/hoping for something in return for being friends – you’re a female neckbeard, trying to put in friendship and expecting a flirty response, but it doesn’t work that way.
I do feel so bad for you though because you obviously do like this person and I don’t think you’re intentionally being a jerk but you’re going to end up hurting yourself in the process, so you are a jerk to yourself.
Don’t let some dude’s opinions of other women affect your self-belief or self-worth. Also, you’re not being a good friend to this dude if you’re secretly wanting something else from your conversations (but to be fair he is being an awful friend and treating you more like a bro and agony aunt).
Wish you the best, you seem like a nice person, just hope you get a spine and find someone who will treat you in the way you want to be treated.” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ kinda.
I mean you’re not really a jerk but kind of sad right now. Not to be harsh but, this guy is clearly not interested in you. It sucks to like someone and they don’t feel the same. But it just means this guy isn’t the right one. So move on because there’s plenty of guys out there that will be interested.” Charlotte1979
5. WIBTJ If I Tell My Partner To Eat In Another Room?
“Our daughter (2F) has had a milk allergy since she was born. She would get diaper/skin rashes, really bad constipation, and sometimes would get little red dots around her mouth, and would visibly be in pain.
When she turned 1, we decided to switch her to a vegan diet. Since then, she no longer has any issues and she’s a healthy happy baby. I decided that I (21F) was also going to go full vegan.
I’m a stay-at-home mom and I cook all the meals. My partner (23M) eats the meals I make since it’s easier for me to cook 1 meal that we can all eat.
He loves sweets, and will typically buy lots of ice creams, chocolates, etc that all contain dairy. He’ll eat it in front of our daughter which will then cause a massive tantrum and her getting super upset because she doesn’t understand why she cannot have it.
I usually will buy dairy-free alternatives that she likes, but when she sees her dad eating something different she still gets upset.
Edit: my partner has a VERY big sweet tooth. And will eat 2-3+ ice cream, chocolate bars, etc throughout the whole day.
So telling him to wait until she’s asleep seems unrealistic when he eats these things throughout the whole day. Even in the morning.
I understand vegan diets don’t align with everyone’s beliefs but it works best for both of us.
She goes to her wellness visits with her pediatrician who orders different tests that she passes with flying colors. Pediatrician approves.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here but I think you should use this as an opportunity to teach your daughter that not everything is for her, rather than forcing your partner to change his behavior.
She’s going to have to learn that lesson eventually. Like – are adults not allowed to drink coffee around her? Beer? What if she wants to drive your car? Sure it will be hard to explain to her why she can’t have the thing she wants, and there will be tantrums, but like…
I’m pretty sure that’s 90% of parenting a toddler.” LyrisiVylnia
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, I’m pretty sure it is super unhealthy for kids that young to be fully vegan. I definitely understand the milk allergy but yikes.
Your partner should be mindful to not eat treats she can’t have in front of her because obviously, a child doesn’t understand.
Either way, I suggest speaking to your baby’s doctor for health tips/dietary restrictions/recommendations.” Spoopyowo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
A 2yo is not going to understand why she can’t eat the same thing as your partner. Once she gets older, she’ll need to learn how to handle that disappointment because she may have to deal with it for the rest of her life.
But not as a young child who can’t even comprehend why. Your partner can go eat his treats in another room. Trust me, I totally understand not wanting to give up sweets.
And that’s his choice. But he needs to eat them in a way that isn’t teasing your toddler.
As a parent of a toddler who DOESN’T have a dairy allergy, I still eat my chocolate in the closet half the time so she won’t see and it won’t upset her that I don’t want her to have any.
Alternatively, he could just satisfy his cravings with the vegan alternatives if he feels that he has to eat them in front of your daughter. That way he can share and she will be safe eating the same thing he is.” No-Reception-1289
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Mom of a 5-year-old here who has a terrible milk allergy since he was born but has luckily grown out of it mostly.
Your husband should be able to sometimes eat things your daughter can’t.
It sucks for her but she will experience this when she gets older with friends and family. Your husband should get your daughter dairy free/vegan things when he has his own treat.
Otherwise, it’s just cruel when she sees ice cream but doesn’t get any.
Our son knew when he was very little that things with milk make his tummy hurt. He would get coconut-based ice cream when we had a dairy one (or we all had coconut).
Same with some cookies. He wasn’t that bothered on the occasions we had different things because A. he had his own treat and B. he knew ours would make him sick. We usually all had the same thing but sometimes you just want some Ben and Jerry’s, haha.
It’s of course different for kids who have deathly allergies or allergies to things that are airborne. If my son had a peanut allergy, none of us would have peanuts.” EntertainmentOk6284
4. AITJ For Telling My Sister I'm Going To Ignore Her Once We're At The Same School?
“My (16m) little sister (14f) is entering high school in the fall of this year. She has told me how she’s really excited that she’s going to be going to the same high school as me (I’m a sophomore and will be a junior in the fall).
Honestly, I find it really embarrassing. I really don’t want my friends and others in my grade to know I have a little sister in the same high school as me. I don’t even know why she’s so excited, it isn’t like she has no friends (it’s actually the opposite lol she’s like the most popular person in her middle school since she has like 10 girls at our house every other weekend).
I told my sister to not be excited about going to school with me because I would pretend like she isn’t my sister and that she doesn’t exist and I would ignore her once we were in school.
She got visibly upset, and later I saw her quietly crying in her room. AITJ? Shouldn’t she grow up, she’s a bit too old to be crying?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
She’s your little sister.
Changing schools can be a daunting experience and there are a lot of girls going through it at this age.
Starting periods, navigating partners and bullying, etc… As her big brother, you might be privy to information and opportunities to support your sister and be her advocate.
Offer her advice, and help her in situations she might not feel comfortable talking to your parents about.
I had a big brother who was an idiot, we don’t talk anymore and I really wish he’d have been there for me through some rough times.
Once I really needed him to come and pick me up from a tough situation and he didn’t. I’ll never forget him laughing and refusing to come and get me because he was hanging out with his friends.
Now we’re older – I left school twenty years ago – our kids don’t even know each other and we barely see each other.
Might I also add that seeing a guy advocate for his sister and be family orientated is also very attractive?” practicallyperfectuk
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, and I hope you’re trolling.
Unfortunately, this is all too common and I’ll never understand how or why anybody could be this cruel to their own family. What could possibly be so embarrassing about having a younger sister at the same school? For real, dude, she clearly loves you and looks up to you and was just happy that she’ll get to see you from time to time during the school day, and you just crushed her.
People grow up and go completely no-contact with siblings who do this to them, and I hope you’re prepared to have exactly zero relationship with her as an adult. Your cruelty will cost you dearly, and if you don’t reverse course – AND SOON – you will regret it for a very long time.
Imagine what it must be like to have someone you look up to and love with all your heart be embarrassed to acknowledge your existence. You need to apologize yesterday and let her know you were wrong to say that, and then you need to get into therapy a week ago.
Not only is this a messed-up thing to do to your little sister, but you’re also never too old to cry. If you don’t get yourself sorted out, you’re gonna learn that the hard way when you grow up isolated and depressed.” TurtleTheMoon
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You just told her you want nothing to do with her at school of course she’s upset.
She may be popular amongst her grade but it’s still a new school which is intimidating. And you basically want nothing to do with her why?
No one really cares if you have a sibling.
And she seems to be a well-liked one at that. So is there a specific reason you don’t want your friends to know you have a sibling? Also, don’t your friends already know…? Like that’s a pretty common thing to know about someone.
And I’d say pretending she doesn’t exist draws more attention to it than the fact if you talked to her and went on your way to class. Because then people are wondering why you’re ignoring your sibling…
Plus YTJ for the crying comment too. Full-grown adults cry too. It’s a reaction. And she’s reacting to something hurtful you said.” Due-External8607
3. WIBTJ If I Kick My Son Out Of My House?
“I am hitting near retirement age and would like to enjoy my retirement peacefully. I also have a daughter who was in an accident at a very young age and has been severely disabled since then.
She needs help with nearly all tasks, and I am her primary caregiver and have been since their mom left me 20 years ago.
My son was a difficult child to raise as a single parent with a disabled kid.
He has been in and out of therapy, on and off meds since he was a pre-teen. He struggles with things like depression. He has lived with me on and off since he hit 18 because of my house rules.
He would move out and come back as necessary when his mental health took a dive.
A couple of years ago, he came back because his mental health was suffering. He got into therapy, got on meds, and through the support of professionals came to the conclusion that a road to a better life for him would be completing his degree which he had abandoned years prior.
I was supportive of his decision, and I still am but I currently do not feel as if I can continue to live with him.
His mental health has taken a toll on me, it is something I would no longer like to deal with.
I want to quietly live in my home with just me and my daughter where we have fallen into a peaceful routine together when it is just us. When my son is around, he disrupts this.
I allow him to stay here rent-free, but I make sure he helps out around the house as one of his conditions of living here rent-free. He helps me care for his sister, he makes dinners, and he cleans the majority of our home.
We argue about his chores often as he says when his mental health gets really bad, it is hard for him to do anything for himself, much less for others. He says he has been neglecting himself and does not want to fall behind in school.
He recently snapped at me because he said he had to drop classes last semester to keep up with all the household chores I have put on him and that he does not want that to happen again as he wants to stay on track.
However, two more years of arguing like this feel like a long time as he is often moody. I also cannot see myself letting him slide on basic chores for two years.
He has pleaded with me that he needs less because he’s doing really well in his classes now and doesn’t want that to change (I have been on him to do more as he has been letting our home turn into a disaster before he brings himself to help clean).
While I sympathize, we constantly fight over things not getting done and at this point, he is not a child. I love my son, but he will be 30 in a few years and if he cannot handle the responsibilities in this home, he is at an age where he needs to go off and figure it out on his own.
The extra funds I have put into allowing him to live here is money I can put towards a cleaning service.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. While he should certainly be contributing to the household in some way.
Why is it his responsibility to take care of his sister when you are not there? He didn’t sign up to be a parent. It is not necessarily his responsibility to make sure she is taken care of.
Should he help, sure, but it sounds like he is doing more than that. You said he needs to care for her while you are away at work.
Assuming that is a full-time job that is 40 hours a week minimum.
And then on top of that do household chores. And on top of that school. That is a lot of work for one person who did not sign up themselves to be in that position.
It is your choice as to if you kick him out or not. And you also need to make sure you are living a life that is sustainable. But I would highly suggest you take a close look at the entire situation (including the time he was a child, as he has a mental health problem for a reason) before you make that decision.” imgus14
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, I get that you have a disabled child.
But from what you have said he does household chores, cares for her, and studies. He also has from what you have said pretty severe mental health issues. He’s had them for years and you have put your disabled child above him.
While I get she may have more needs than him in terms of day-to-day stuff, you come across like you don’t care what your son goes through.
How long has your son been caring for your daughter while you’re at work? Did he do it during his teen years or is it a recent thing? I have had mental health problems for years and your son has begged you for help and you have refused.
Would you be relieved if you came home one day and he had finally ended his life?
This may sound like a harsh question but I’ve read through a lot of what you have said and you come across as pretty uncaring when it comes to him.
He’s currently in charge of caring for a severely disabled woman, he’s also expected while doing this to keep on track of housework plus he’s doing college courses which are extremely heavy courses of work.
Poor guy is probably burnt out.
Coming from someone who at one point had zero support for my mental health it can drive you to a point where you cannot come back from.
Perhaps if you can’t think about his well-being think about this, how much would it cost you to get a carer for her while you are working plus a maid? Why not show him you care and compromise and even getting a maid for a few hours a week would do something.
He’s begging you for help please do not let him suffer. Depression is like a massive anchor you carry with you 24/7, weighing you down till you can’t carry on anymore. Please take some of the burdens off him.” Domino3286
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, I say that gently.
Your son is trying to get on track to take care of himself by going to school to get a degree. He is also in counseling and on meds to address his mental illness.
You have two children in need of extra care and are prioritizing your daughter because she has physical needs as well as mental issues, but your son is also ill! So yeah YTJ because he has and is making progress to become a more functioning person and it seems you will derail his progress because two more years is too much?!?” Leimana76
2. AITJ For Telling My Kids Stories About Their Grandparents?
“My husband and I (28F/30M) have four kids ages – 12, twins-11 and 9.
All of them have always been confused by our family. My parents are divorced and all in all, I have 12 siblings, some half, some step, and some adopted.
My father and mother hate each other, after they divorced they went to court 17 times over splitting the funds, child support, and a huge part of the shares my dad held in a big company.
My dad had a second secret family with 2 kids and my mother had a lover who managed to short her with a quarter of a million. Overall, great childhood. My husband’s side is problematic as well.
His mom left him to be raised by his grandma for the first 6 years of his life. Then my MIL and FIL came back and took him in only to split a year later and run their business so hard into the ground, that they were homeless.
Plenty of more crap on both sides that has created a great amount of confusion for our children based on all the relatives we have and how we are connected to each one.
Like why did my parents split? Or how their first cousins and them do not have the same aunts or grandparents. It’s just confusing. We sat them down and gave them a short (as short as possible) explanation of who did what and they did seem to understand.
My parents came to find out from the children and they are MAD. They said that I shared their business and embarrassed them and it was not my place to tell this to my children.
They called me a bad parent.
I feel like they can’t own up to all the crap they put me through as a kid… but some other family members are angry as well.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Ordinarily, I would say this was not your business to tell. HOWEVER, this is your family unit. People want to know about their ancestors, including grandparents who are still alive.
They are entitled to know how the family fits together.
This is your family unit’s business, that is, you, your husband, and your four children. It is no one else’s business how you deal with your own family unit.
My advice? Go no contact with your parents and other family members. If not that, at least tell them that this is not open for discussion and that decision is final.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Not everyone’s family is straightforward.
I think that the sooner the children know their family members and their dynamics the easier it would be to understand and then stop asking questions. I would recommend a diagram that shows how people are related which you can refer to in the future but does not mention any specific details.” _A_Brit_Abroad_
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – your grandparents for creating this quagmire, and you for laying it all out there in a sit-down with the kids. Life is messy and kids naturally have questions. The key is to wait until they actually ask a question, and then you answer the question asked.” TammyinOh
1. AITJ For Cutting My Student's Hair?
“I (female, 28) was a fifth-grade teacher at an elementary school from 2018-this year. In February, I started to notice that one of my female students looked like her hair was getting knotted.
It looked progressively worse over the next couple of weeks, so I decided to just talk to her after class and see if she was okay. She said she was fine, and when I asked about her hair, she said it was for cultural reasons but that she really didn’t like having to grow it that way.
Keep in mind, these weren’t normal dreads/locks, it was one big knot of hair on the back of her head; it looked like neglect disguised as ‘culture.’ There was even noticeable dust or dirt in her hair so I’m sure her hair wasn’t washed often at all.
I decided not to do or say anything until other students started noticing, and I also saw that she was scratching her head a lot. I asked to see her after class again, and she told me she wanted me to cut her hair short.
At first, I didn’t want to because I knew her parents would NOT approve and that I’d for sure be fired, but I was trying to get out of my job at that point anyway, and I wanted to help her.
I ended up cutting her hair pretty short, but it looked normal and wasn’t actually extremely short since her hair texture (probably 3C) results in shrinkage. Some of the knottings were still there since it was so close to her scalp but it was a lot better than before.
As expected, her parents called the office, and they had me fired by the end of the week. I feel like I did what was best for her but looking back, I don’t know if it was my place to do so.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Your job is to teach, not be a beautician. Your actions were reprehensible. I am glad they fired you. If you were concerned about the kid’s living conditions, you report it.
You could have also requested a meeting with the parents. However, you did this for your own selfish reasons.
As a parent of a child with mid-back length 4c natural hair, if a teacher cut her hair for any reason you would not only be fired, I would go after your credentialing and report you for maltreatment.
I would make it my life’s goal to make sure you never teach anywhere else.
This is why I homeschool.” Small_Simple_4354
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. There was a clear safeguarding concern for neglect which you did not report to the relevant professionals and then you took matters into your own hands and created a secret pact with a child to cut their hair.
Already knowing that her parents would not approve, neither would the school ‘and that for sure I’d get fired’ but you acted anyway with complete disregard for everyone including the child.
Not only could your actions potentially count as an assault, but I would also be questioning your actions as a trusted adult who should be professional at all times.
If you had sought any professional supervision on this, from any of your colleagues they would obviously tell you to report the situation as I’m sure you’re aware, and probably why you didn’t seek their advice because you had already made your decision which was entirely self-serving.
At best this is complete naivety on your part at worst your actions are dangerous for failing to report. I’m not sure if you want to continue working with children but if you do always run everything past a trusted colleague because it is a minefield out there.” jaxonmurphy
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