People Request Replies To Their "Am I The Jerk?" Dilemma
15. AITJ For Being The Reason My Neighbor's Car Got Towed?
“I (M23) live in my grandparents’ garage. It has full electrical and plumbing. I even have fiber optic internet. They had it converted, legally, to a suite when my oldest cousin went to university in their city. I’m the youngest cousin, and until one of my older relatives’ kids is ready to go to university, I have a cheap place to live.
My grandparents no longer drive but I do. I don’t own a car, I use a car share service.
The problem is that I always run my grandparents around. I take them for appointments, grocery shopping, and family functions. I do not mind at all.
I am saving so much by living with them that I will be able to have a great down payment for a house when I move out. But the neighborhood has no private street parking. It is an old neighborhood, built before every family had multiple cars.
And you cannot double park. You would definitely be a jerk for blocking traffic in one direction. So when we are going to need a car I always know in advance and arrange my schedule so I can pick one up. Then I park in front of the house so my grandparents can get in safely and off we go.
But a few of the neighbors have started parking in front of the house since we do not.
This is not usually a problem because, as I stated, we do not own a car. But sometimes this means that I have to park a block away and then come get them.
Like I said we always schedule our trips. We go grocery shopping at the same time every week. Their doctor’s appointments are scheduled weeks in advance. So we tell the neighbors and they make sure I can park in front of the house.
Until the new neighbors.
They have five cars. They park one in their garage and four on the street. Including two in front of my grandparent’s house. I have tried asking them to please be sure to leave a parking spot on the days I need it. They said that there is no private parking spots on the street.
So they refused to leave a spot.
So I got a handicapped parking pass from the city since I am the driver for my grandparents and I got the city to put a handicapped parking spot in front of the house. Anyone with a handicapped parking pass can park there.
But no one else has one.
But the city still treats it like any other zone. And has been ticketing cars that park there.
Now the neighbors are mad at me because they have been ticketed multiple times. And now they have been towed at least once.
Neither myself nor my grandparents have ever reported them.
They are calling me a jerk for taking up a spot that I don’t even need 99.9% of the time. I feel guilty but my grandfather said I did the right thing. My grandmother wants me to make nice.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You followed the rules. You asked the city to create a handicapped parking spot, and they approved it.
If the new neighbors object, they should talk to the city, not to you. And they need to obey the city’s parking rules.
In case you’re wondering, they are total jerks for ignoring you when you asked them nicely not to park there. They created the problem that caused you to apply for a handicapped parking permit and a handicapped parking spot. You have no reason to believe they wouldn’t cause problems all over again if the city removed the handicapped parking spot.” throw05282021
Another User Comments:
“Dude.
You are so sweet to your grandparents. You noticed something that was making life difficult, and you braved the lines, red tape, and boredom of DMV (or DPS, I don’t know where you are) just so you could improve their lives a bit.
Seriously, that’s so sweet. It probably also helps when you get to the appointments and stores, because now they can use handicap parking spots wherever they go.
How thoughtful!!!!
You did everything you could to work with your neighbors without getting messy. They pulled the “there’s no private parking, so oh well” card on you.
You didn’t exactly make it private parking, but you made it so you always had a guaranteed spot.
Well done, sir. Well done.
NTJ.” NotSoAverage_sister
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your neighbors have too many cars for their household. Nobody “owns” the public parking spots, even the ones in front of their homes.
While it would be courteous of your neighbors to refrain from parking in front of your grandparents’ house, it’s unrealistic to expect to always have an available spot in that location. Even if your multi-car neighbors refrained from parking, what’s stopping another driver from parking there?
You did the right thing by getting the city to mark the spot for disabled drivers and getting a disability tag for when you are driving a car share. You and your family are not the cause of the tickets and towing: it’s any driver’s scofflaw attitude.
Idle question: does your grandparents’ home have any off-street parking? Did the garage conversion remove any ability to park off the street? I’m just wondering if the handicapped designated parking spot is permanent. Even if it is permanent, you are NTJ.” AgeLower1081
14. AITJ For Refusing To Watch My Nephew While His Parents Go On Vacation?
“For some context, my sister and her husband are extremely irresponsible. My sister drank and smoked during her pregnancy which caused my poor nephew to be born with a lot of mental and physical health issues. The most prominent is the fact that he’s autistic and spoiled. They treat him like a king and that he can’t do any wrong.
I don’t think they know of any other way to take care of the child.
He’s bratty, he doesn’t know how to properly show his emotions, he expects everything done for him, if the slightest piece of food is made in a way he doesn’t enjoy he throws a tantrum, if the space he’s in doesn’t smell perfect he’ll start screaming.
Now, yesterday they announced that they’re going on a vacation and they need me to take care of him at a family gathering. I laughed and said that was funny, then they turned to me and said they are serious. I told them that if they are that’s a completely ridiculous request as they are providing me with exactly 72 hours of notice without even checking in with me.
This weekend I finally got a break from my work at a private high school, so I was planning on relaxing with my husband. I told her and her husband that they should actually take care of their child instead of trying to place responsibility elsewhere for once and actually step up as parents.
My sister got extremely offended and her husband backed her up.
My family split into two, with me and my mother arguing it was crazy to do this to someone and essentially the rest of the family siding with my sister. They’re saying that since I have this weekend free I should use it to do something productive instead of lazing around and taking care of my nephew.
This spiraled into a 4-hour-long argument about how ungrateful I was for refusing this “special time” with my nephew that a lot of uncles don’t get. I still refused because this was an outrageous request of me.
Yesterday, I started receiving a lot of text messages saying that I’m a jerk for not being there for my nephew when he needs me the most. This translates into “we can’t afford this vacation so a nanny is out of the question and we need someone to take care of him for free”.
I blocked them all except for my mother on social media, their numbers, messages, etc.
My sister came by and screamed at my door for thirty minutes when I wasn’t opening and ranted about how awful a person I am even though she’s always there for me.
Mind you she was a bully to me during our entire childhood and now she’s unreliable at best when I need help.
AITJ for not taking care of my nephew? I feel so guilty leaving him when his parents are awful people.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you know it. You said it all. Every point is valid and justified.
They’re not entitled to you babysitting their child. Ever. They’re the parents. It’s their responsibility. The reason they’re so irresponsible is because of all those family members who enable them and support their crappy behavior.
And let me call it out bluntly here. The kid is autistic. That in and of itself is an issue. It’s not just because he is spoiled and undisciplined, the autism itself has the sensory overload and issue that you described. Consistency and routine are often very necessary for people with autism.
So you are not fully equipped to handle him either.
Stand your ground. Set your boundaries and don’t tolerate anyone else who tries to make you do something you don’t want to do.
Keep them blocked. And if I were you, I’d call the police next time she shows up and acts like that at your door.
She’s completely inappropriate.” Gorgeous-Angelface
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. No matter when, whether it be because of this weekend, or something down the road, your sister will tell your nephew what a jerk you are and make you look bad. She does not care about you and your life.
She’s been bullying you her whole life and now that you are standing up for yourself, it’s making her crazy…cue the crazy antics. You are good to block those others and tell them they can watch the child if they want. I’m glad your mom is on your side and sticking up for you.
I hope she continues to and doesn’t fold because of pressure. I would not be surprised if your sister just dumps your nephew at your door and leaves. Be prepared to tell her you will call Child Services/police and report her for abandonment.
Stay strong.” SparkleBait
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, NTJ, NTJ! I am an aunt to three nephews, two of whom have special needs. Special needs children, especially Autistic children, can react extremely negatively when taken out of their routine and plopped into an unfamiliar environment with unfamiliar people.
Add to that someone who is unprepared to care for that child and their specific needs, and you are going to have an angry, confused child and angry, frustrated caregivers. If a weekend at your place was in the works, she should have worked this out way in advance and had him visiting you regularly to get used to you and your home.
But all of that is beside the point. In what universe would it ever be ok to announce you are leaving your child with someone and then throw a tantrum when they refuse? You are not responsible for your nephew. Your mom is the only sane person in your family.” Vox_Mortem
13. AITJ For Leaving Vacation Early Because Of A Prank My Friends Pulled On Me?
“I don’t know if that’s the best way to reconnect with friends you haven’t seen in a long time.
“I (25F) moved out of the country I grew up in 7 years ago for college. A lot has happened since then and it’s not relevant to the post but long story short, I have no family left in my home country so I chose to acquire dual citizenship and stay where I now live.
Recently I reconnected with my childhood friends. and I was really happy to reunite and catch up. They can’t all come over to me because it’s super expensive for three people to pay for a flight and accommodation. One of them (Bea 26F) is married and she and her husband have a big home and usually invite the other two for weekends over/vacations.
So she suggested they have me over this time for their early January vacation for two weeks. My job allows me to work from anywhere as long as I have my tablet and stylus so it wouldn’t inconvenience me if I was away for two weeks.
The others took time off work, I think.
The vacation was great for the most part and they were all kind to me despite all the years apart. Bea’s husband was welcoming but that’s where the conflict came in. Whenever I took some time to myself to work a little, he would be there, making small talk and joking around.
Sometimes he would tell me things about himself and then say he doesn’t feel like he has anyone to share these stuff with.
I have no problem with being a confidant of some sort but I believe a husband shouldn’t be spending too much alone time with his wife’s friend no matter the reason.
I told him this when it got too uncomfortable and explained my reasons. That’s when he got really inappropriate and tried to shoot his shot. I freaked out and told him something along the lines of “Bea is a great woman. I can’t believe you would disrespect her like this.” Things got awkward after that so I told my friends I’ll find a hotel to stay at for the rest of my stay.
They all burst out laughing saying things like ‘gotcha’ and asked if it’s because Bea’s husband came onto me.
I asked how they knew because as long as he kept his distance, I wasn’t planning to tell B and possibly cause an argument between them.
It turns out they were all in on it to “prank” me. I was furious. It didn’t sound like a prank to me but one of those meaningless tests people do to test each other’s loyalty. Things got heated and I left to find a hotel after giving them all a piece of my mind (including Bea’s husband)
I got here yesterday evening. One of the other friends called me saying vacation is ruined since Bea’s husband is angry that I called him a jerk in the argument and wants them to leave. She hopes I could apologize. Also, Bea does this to all her new friends to ‘see how loyal they are’ because her husband is handsome and a great guy and women want him.
I responded with, “I wish I gave in to this great guy then” and hung up. Now that I’ve calmed down, I think maybe I went a little too far with my response. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
So why does B not trust her husband or her friends?
That is the issue, and this is no prank but a setup. What would happen on the day when one of them gives in, then what? She is setting herself up for a divorce of her own making. If she is that unhappy or does not trust him, why remain married to him?
No Op, you did the right thing, this was no prank or joke.
Next time any of them mention it, ask them on whose side of the divorce will they be on, when the person refuses but then gives in to B’s husband and that person gets caught in a compromising position, or worse due to how frequently they are playing this, that it is discovered that one if not both of them are having affairs on each other.” JCWa50
Another User Comments:
“That whole situation is just…gross. NTJ, OP. I do not understand at all why any person in a (supposedly) committed and monogamous relationship would be okay with the way your friend’s husband acted. What a weird way to try and test your friends’ and husband’s loyalty; I honestly don’t even know why she felt the need to let him do that.
Why does she need to test him? Why did she feel the need to test you? Just yuck. I’m sorry your friends put you in such a crappy situation and are now trying to make you feel like the lousy one for pointing out just how crappy it actually was of them.” East_Donut2862
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I hate anyone doing these stupid tests to check the loyalty of friends and family. I don’t even know how people could be this disgusting, you aren’t supposed to prove your loyalty to people in your life they all can go to heck if they need proof like that.
It also reminds me of an old post where a mom tested the loyalty of her daughter who was really good in studies and was an awesome student going to receive a great job after graduation by calling her and saying someone is dying during one of her important exams, making her miss the test and lose the job.
She cut off her family. You should do that too with your friends.” Mystery-Magic
12. AITJ For Offending My Sister With My Pregnancy Announcement?
“I (27F) am pregnant with my first child.
As expected I am very happy and am sharing news of my pregnancy on social media as I have several family members who live overseas and also I want to. This is my first child and I am beyond happy.
The issue is my older sister (29F) who is infertile and has given up on children after 9 miscarriages.
I and my sister have never had a good relationship, she was sick as a baby and nearly died. The trauma of it caused my parents to favor her and place her above me. I was always expected to make myself as small as possible to accommodate her.
She always got a cake and more presents on my birthday so she wouldn’t feel left out, I was told to hide my grades as she did very badly at school, I was also not allowed to display any trophies in my room because she might see them and get upset.
My sister 100% leaned into this and made my life awful. She would make stuff up so my parents would take stuff from me and give it to her. I was even told to not go to my prestigious university (think Ivy League but in my country) because it would upset her.
When I chose to go my parents cut me off.
Which was fine as my paternal grandparents who raised me took care of everything. Since then I have been LC with my family and only see them around the holiday at my grandparents’ place. They weren’t invited to my wedding.
When I got pregnant I shared the announcement online and everybody congratulated me except my parents and sister who harassed me and reported my post so it would get taken down. I blocked them all.
I saw them again on New Year’s at the grandparents’ place.
When they saw me my sister started screaming at my grandparents saying how they could invite me after “what I did to her”. She was also screaming at my belly as it offended her. She kept crying and saying how I could do this to her.
I told her I did nothing to her. She went on and on about her miscarriages and how hard they were on her but I snapped and told her I don’t care. She’s not my sister, she’s my bully who tormented me my whole life.
I owe her nothing. My life has nothing to do with her. This got my parents mad and they screamed at me too. My uncles ended up throwing them out and it ruined the party. My family said I did nothing wrong, but my parents and my sister’s friend have been mass reporting my social media account until I ended up deleting it.”
Another User Comments:
“Hardcore NTJ. It’s not your fault that your sister has been milking your parents’ sympathies that they don’t seem to see the detriment in offering to her for everything in life as it just makes her a sour, resentful piece of work (I have much less kind words but I don’t know her personally so I’ll reserve those for the imagination).
There are some things that have happened to her in her life unfortunately that made it/make it tough for her. Most would try to come to terms with it in whatever way they can and are able to and try to not let it negatively affect relationships and their personal lives, but she doesn’t seem to have ever received that memo.
The majority of your extended family seems to have their heads screwed on straight while your sister and parents have a few (or a lot of) screws loose. Dump them, let them do the work if they want back into your life. Just because they’re family doesn’t mean you have to include them in your life if it is toxic for you and your growing family!” chrishansondrums
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
But your parents and sister are. What they’re doing is emotional bullying. If you haven’t already, you need to go NC, even if that means giving up family gatherings where they will be. But hopefully now that they have been kicked out and your extended relatives side with you, it won’t be an issue as your parents and sister won’t be invited again.
You should not have had to delete your social media account. And it’s not fair that they’re harassing you. You are entitled to share your news and excitement about your life with whoever you want and if that’s on social media, then it’s your right to do so.
You didn’t do anything wrong by standing up for yourself and defending your choices and setting boundaries. It’s not their right to control you or mistreat you over things you do that they don’t like. Keep standing your ground.” Gorgeous-Angelface
Another User Comments:
“NTJ you did nothing wrong, your sister however is unhinged and your parents are enablers. I don’t mean to worry you, and I know you’re NC now but not only would I stay that way permanently I’d do the following on the list below.
Based on your sister’s previous and current behavior, I seriously believe she’ll either try to have your child removed by lies or try to kidnap her because she “deserves” her more and your parents will try to block you from getting her back. Be VERY careful OP.
Do not underestimate them because they’re family, do not give them the benefit of the doubt because you know they’re crazy but not “that” crazy. I guarantee if you do it’ll be your life’s regret. The list is below.
- Warn nurses and hospital staff about your family and show them pictures so they’re not allowed in and can’t hold her/take her
- Up security in your home
- Do not tell them where you live
- Show pictures to future babysitter/daycare and have a safe word for pick up also if your grandparents will be the ones watching her have them do it at your home so your family can’t just stop by and see her/mistreat her or take her
- Call child protective services in your country and forwarn them about the situation with your sister as she’ll try to lie and have your daughter removed out of jealousy
- Try to file a restraining order against them so they can’t come near you or your child
I’m really happy you finally chose yourself and went to your dream university that’s huge. I’m so proud of how far you’ve come, you truly deserve every bit of happiness. Congrats on the baby as well! I’m sorry if I scared you but you really should be on guard 24/7 with how mentally unwell she is.” Blondebabe2002
11. AITJ For Refusing To Allow My Mother-In-Law To Cater Our Engagement Party?
“Gotta have boundaries.
“Not to toot my own horn but I’d say that I’m a pretty good cook. It’s something I enjoy doing in my free time and makes me feel good to make the people I love a meal to enjoy. My fiancé and I recently got engaged and just had our engagement party last weekend that consisted of about just under 30 people.
We hosted it at our house.
I knew right away that I wanted to cater my engagement party and make the food for my guests myself.
My MIL and I have an ok relationship, but she’s one of those women who thinks that everything she makes is the absolute best and anyone else’s efforts are crap.
Her food’s pretty good, but it’s nothing compared to my mom’s or my grandma’s cooking I had growing up, but obviously, I keep my mouth shut about that. Every time we’ve had a family dinner at her house and I offer to bring something or even help her out in the kitchen she refuses and makes up excuses like “it won’t be done properly” or “it won’t be as good as mine”.
So when she found out about my engagement party she asked if she could bring some dishes. I politely declined and said that I will be catering the food myself. She got offended that I declined and started saying how she should make the food because my fiance’s side of the family LOVES her food and nothing will compare to hers.
My fiance told her to let it go, that it was our engagement party, and my cooking is amazing, so everyone is sure to love it.
The night of the engagement party rolls around, and I had spent hours in the kitchen making a bunch of dishes that I made sure were perfect.
My family and friends LOVED the food and could not stop complimenting me on it. My fiancé’s side of the family was impressed too but my MIL and SIL weren’t having it. Every dish my MIL tried she had something negative to say, “oh my this is too overcooked,” “the sauce doesn’t taste right in this,” “see this is why I should’ve made the food,” etc.
My fiancé and I both heard these comments and he pulled her aside to confront her saying if she didn’t like the food that she could leave, tonight is about us not her.
She started going off about how it was so disrespectful of me to decline her offer when she is obviously a better cook and these dishes weren’t made properly and how she feels bad for the guests.
I was just over it at this point and told her to 1) get her head out of her butt and 2) to leave the party because I am not going to be disrespected in my own house.
MIL, FIL, and SIL ended up leaving and have been messaging my fiancé nonstop about how I was so disrespectful and need to apologize for taking it too far and insulting her.
They even suggested he rethink his decision to marry me?! Fiancé told them that she needed to apologize to me first.
Both my mom and grandma think that it wouldn’t have been the end of the world if I let her bring a dish or two.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ –
Your mom is right, letting MIL bring a dish wouldn’t have hurt anything & possibly would have been helpful. But your MIL seems insufferable regarding the food. & once the insults started flying I’m glad your fiance stepped up for you.
Boundaries are great – she insults your cooking in your own home, she’s gotta go. Next time let your fiance handle it 100%. His mother, his problem. You thank him well for having your back afterward. This is something you have to chat with him about ahead of time, so he knows what the expectations are.
You are going to be gracious & kind, he’s gonna be the heavy. No one will have any room to say the issue is with you. & don’t forget, if the tables are ever turned, you have to stick up for him.
Congrats on the engagement.” RaqMountainMama
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
First and foremost, it’s YOUR engagement party taking place in YOUR home. Not hers.
But bearing in mind that she’s going to be your MIL, perhaps it wouldn’t have hurt to allow her to bring a few items to this party.
So there at least, I agree with your mother and grandmother.
It was pretty petty of her to criticize everything you made during this party, and outright RUDE, but this seems to be the kind of person she usually is, from what you’ve said. She apparently has difficulty giving praise to someone else’s efforts and feels that she has to be the focus of attention by criticizing the efforts of others.
What she did at YOUR engagement party is inexcusable. What she, her husband, and your fiance’s sister are doing in telling your fiance he should rethink his decision in marrying you is outrageous.
I’m glad at least that your fiance stood up for you, and is supportive of you over his mother’s disgraceful behavior.
I’m sorry she couldn’t manage to suppress her need to be the focus of attention for one single dinner party, and that she’s projecting blame on you for her own disgusting behavior.” Howling2021
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Glad you and fiancé were on the same team and shut that down!
MIL is going to be one of those endlessly exhausting drains of energy without stringent boundaries, but it sounds like you guys are doing well there, so kudos.
Hate to pick on your family, but Mom and Grandma either were blessed with lovely MILs and don’t understand what happens when you let a woman like this start thinking she can cross your boundaries at will, or Mom and Grandma are both doormats (sorry, OP).
Either way, please don’t listen to their (well-intended) nonsense. MIL is the type who if you give in to “a dish or two” shows up with over twice that number, and demands hers get front and center and maybe even you throw away one or two of yours to make room.
Then she wants to run your wedding. Set your budget. Pick your next house. Tell you what a crap parent you are (if you decide to have kids, that is) and why/how you’re doing it all wrong.
It’s never “a dish or two” with these types.
They’re playing a bigger game.” PajamaPantsForTheWin
BTW I learned to tell mine not to bring anything because we wanted her to be able to just relax and enjoy family time. After all the meals she has cooked for us, she deserves to be taken care of.
10. AITJ For Only Approving Certain Children To Attend Our Wedding?
“I 25F got engaged to Mark (M23) on January 6th. We both knew it was going to happen on that date as we had already started planning our wedding. The topic of who we are inviting has been pushed to the side, but now since we are supposed to send out invites within the next month, it has been… rough.
Not between us, thank god, but with some other people. We want his niece and nephew there, and I want some of my younger cousins there, as well as my goddaughter, the ages of these kids, range from 3 to 14. These kids are always well-behaved, but the rest of the kids in the family are downright terrors.
The issue now.
We were at his mother’s house for a congratulations dinner for us and discussing invites with his sister, and his aunt overheard the conversation and later freaked. Can you guess why? Because her grand-babies were not on that list of approved kids.
Instead of coming up to us and asking why, she waited until dinner to say what was up and started listing the kids that were on the list.
Long story short, we left early with his sister and went to go eat dinner at a restaurant because there was too much chaos.
I love the other kids, I really do, but this is my wedding and I want it to be as perfect as possible. And the kids screaming in the middle of the ceremony because they are bored is not a part of the plan.
Should I cave and invite the other kids, or should I not invite any kids?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Look, I get it. Your wedding, you get to decide. You are well within your right BUT in no way are you going to be able to pick and choose through your family without being seen as the jerk by your family.
All of the internet can tell you how right you are: you will NEVER live this down.
Now your goddaughter, you can declare she is “yours” but no way you will be able to take some cousins, some nieces/nephews, and not others.
AT BEST you can add them to the wedding party, but you are too late for that.
You’d be better off paying for like a day at a trampoline park or something during the wedding for the terror kids than to think you are going to be able to have a wedding without consternation with some family members paying for sitters while others don’t.” pottersquash
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I did this at my wedding. I wanted my daughter from a previous marriage to attend, but I did not want two certain nephews there.
For some context, we married at a wonderful winery, and adult beverages were served. Children were actually allowed. However, I told my family that children were not allowed and that I paid extra for my daughter to attend.
(I did not, but the owner of the Winery had no problem supporting my story).
The problem with my two nephews is that they do not respect anyone. At all. When I told my sibling that their children wouldn’t be allowed to attend, one of them said he would just sneak in and that he would carry a knife in case anyone stopped him.
My sibling laughed and thought it was a great idea. My sibling has never been the best parent, and their kids have been a problem for everyone in the family.
So, for my sanity, I excluded kids that I knew weren’t mature enough for the occasion and I think that it should be normalized.” Bork_Zannigan
9. AITJ For Refusing To Make Our Kitchen Nut-Free To Accommodate My Partner's Brother?
“I (M29) have lived with my partner (F29) for 5 years. We both love to cook, so have always had a well-stocked kitchen.
My partner’s brother (M24) has a fairly severe peanut allergy (potentially fatal if he ingests one and it isn’t treated shortly afterward).
We’ve always kept nut products in our kitchen, on the basis that BIL (I’ll call him that for convenience) lives 3 hours away, and has visited our place 3 times in the 5 years that we’ve lived together. We dine out on those occasions, and it’s never been an issue.
BIL is very laid-back about his allergy and manages it well.
My partner went on holiday with her family in December, and since coming back has asked that we make our kitchen nut-free, on the basis that she wouldn’t be comfortable if her brother ever came to visit.
I asked if there was a near-miss/issue on holiday, but there wasn’t. I asked if BIL was planning a visit, or to visit more frequently, but he isn’t. I asked if BIL had requested this himself, but he hasn’t. She also wants to get rid of all nuts, not just peanuts/related allergens (he’s fine with tree nuts, for example).
This would mean disposing of a lot of nuts, oils, spreads, and various other staples at risk of cross-contamination. We also cook/bake with these things a lot, so it would mean a big shift in how we prepare food and what recipes we can use.
I suggested we could store nut products completely separately in airtight containers and that I would thoroughly deep clean the next time he visits, but that apparently wouldn’t be enough for comfort.
I’m not insensitive to how difficult allergies can be to manage, but I’m not comfortable wasting so much produce and changing cooking habits so much for a hypothetical scenario that may never happen (BIL visiting and eating our cross-contaminated cooking).
His home kitchen (he lives with his parents) houses peanuts, but they’re just kept separate and not used around him.
I also pointed out that my best friend has a similarly severe shellfish allergy, but we make that work without major accommodations, despite him visiting far more frequently.
My partner is calling me insensitive and is barely open to discussing the matter. This is unlike us, as we’ve always communicated well and compromised in the past. This is what’s making me doubt myself; am I being too stubborn? It feels like the issue has come out of nowhere, but I want to be as accommodating as I can within reason – I just disagree on where the line is being drawn.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I have a peanut allergy of the same severity and would never expect someone to do this for me. When I lived with my parents they always had peanut butter in but made sure it was stored away from anything I would need access to, made sure any utensils it was used with and surfaces it was used on were immediately thoroughly cleaned, and let me know not to use the kitchen until these things had happened. The only reactions I’ve ever had were when eating out.
Your partner’s anxiety must be coming from somewhere, maybe talking to her with your BIL present too would be helpful for getting to the source of it, his perspective might help her feel more comfortable with a less nuclear approach. Your compromises seem very reasonable to me.
One note though, even if he doesn’t have a tree nut allergy, he probably will not be able to eat other nuts either – they tend to process them on the same lines as peanuts so if you have an anaphylactic allergy they’re still not suitable.” outragedandsleepy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, there is no plan that he will ever visit your house. Why would you completely transform your house for someone who will never be in it?
You aren’t being too stubborn, your partner is being unreasonable and is unwilling to compromise.
Her position is a complete transformation without any compromise.
You need to force a sit down with your partner and demand to know what’s going on. Because this is such a hard position for her to come back from the holidays with her family with and refuse to discuss.
Who put this in her head?” JCBashBash
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
But you should clearly ask, “Is there a family concern that BIL might need to come live here?”
She might have seen or discussed something with him and is trying to help him out of a bad situation.
For what it’s worth I was seeing a girl who was gluten-allergic for a time. We got along great and I really felt we had a future together. Learning to cook gluten-free was… very… challenging for me and I think it put a ton of strain on her side in the relationship.
Looking back, I tried my best, but there were just so many things engrained (see what I did there) in how I had been taught to eat and cook, it would be akin to learning to walk again. I definitely relate to where you are coming from here.” Survive1014
8. AITJ For Getting Mad That My Mother-In-Law's Wedding Is 3 Weeks After Mine?
“My fiancé (34M) & I (31F) got engaged in 2022. He has a twin bro who also got engaged in 2022. We are close to him & his fiancée (28F), so we are careful to not step on each other’s toes during the wedding process.
They set their date for July of 2023, & our date is in Oct of 2023. My future MIL (67F) is a widow, as my fiancé lost his dad a few years ago. She weighed in on our wedding dates being close together, & told us that out-of-town family members traveling for 2 family weddings may not go to both.
But because of 2020 events, not many dates were available, and we didn’t want to wait until 2024 – we want to start our family in the next few years & have some time married beforehand.
My future MIL has been with her partner for 2 years, since his divorce.
They got engaged 2 weeks ago. She called us for a meeting to let us know she, too, wants to have a wedding (she considers it a small wedding of 80ish people) & wanted to discuss potential dates. She wanted the month of April. Both my fiancé, myself, & my future BIL & SIL were concerned about the wedding happening before ours, as we have a few events related to our weddings (& each other’s) in the spring & summer months.
It’s our 1st wedding, so we had bachelor/bachelorette parties & bridal shower plans already in the works. MIL was frustrated but said she would look into Dec. While we are all a little frustrated she wants to get married in the same year as us, we said Dec would work based on our timelines.
We received a text this week that she set a date for 3 weeks after our wedding, in early Nov. This falls during the time my fiancé & I were planning to be on our honeymoon. We hadn’t officially booked it but were already researching flights & hotels.
We did let her know in the meeting that our off-limit dates are the few weeks after our wedding. We are traveling quite a distance away & wanted time in the location. He called to suggest maybe pushing it back by 1 week, to mid-Nov. That way, we could go on our honeymoon & be together for the holidays.
She was resistant & told us she & her fiancé just want to spend their lives together since they are older & do not want to wait for 2024. She felt it was a bit of a gift to accommodate having her wedding after ours. She wants to avoid Dec since the holidays make it tougher on those traveling/spending time with their fams. She said one of her friends is sick & has scheduled treatments, so she wanted to consider her schedule.
We are likely going to have to honeymoon over Thanksgiving, as other months are difficult for my work.
I am concerned ppl will have a hard time traveling to both our wedding & theirs being 3 weeks apart & will be forced to choose.
My fiancé didn’t understand why I was upset & thinks I need to let this go & we can work around it, but I’m angry at her lack of consideration for her sons.
It seems selfish to me. This is our 1st wedding & her 2nd. She already had her big wedding. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You need a whole wedding YEAR to be about you? Seriously?
She wanted to marry in April, and you had an issue with that.
She picked another date that doesn’t have a conflict and now you’re not okay with that either—not because there’s an actual problem but because you might want to travel at that time or people might not attend all of the weddings.
You are way too wrapped up in the wedding and not thinking about the marriage. The only people who need to show up are you, the groom, the officiant, and a witness. Anything beyond that is icing on the cake.
You’re coming off as very selfish and bridezilla-like, and I sincerely doubt that is your intention.
But you really need to get over yourself. You are not the center of the universe. An invitation is not a summons. No one owes you to accommodate your schedule.” UsuallyWrite2
Another User Comments:
“I just want to point out that MIL is ignoring her own reasoning in her initial pushback.
She said the two wedding dates being so close together would make people not attend as they wouldn’t want to travel so far and so back to back.
Realistically I think you’re both being selfish. She initially said the two wedding dates were too close – to go against her own words to create the same problem is bizarre to me.
That being said it’s your wedding and it’s her wedding. Plan your wedding and honeymoon as you want it because clearly, she’s just going to do what she wants to. There’s no need for either of you to make things harder for each other.
I think ESH.
If she doesn’t want to push it back a week just go on your honeymoon and send a gift.
April sounded like it might have worked, you only have things planned in the season but did any of them fall specifically in the time she wanted in April?
It sounds like you didn’t have locked-in dates for all of those pre-wedding events and she easily could have locked in a time in April to be planned around.
Stop forcing her to move things around so much.
You’re not as compromising as you think you are, but I think it’s crappy of her to be a hypocrite to her own reasoning of not wanting weddings so close together.” GaryHadALittleLamb
Another User Comments:
“Gonna say ESH simply because MIL was the one that originally brought up dates too close together as being an issue and used it to weigh in on your wedding date before setting hers. That means she does know exactly what she is doing there.
If she knew the honeymoon dates, that’s a bit extra of a jerk move. She thought it was a problem originally to set weddings close together then did the same thing – even worse. You gave 3 months, she’s giving less than a month. This kinda feels like a power move.
Honestly, if you’ve already started to book the honeymoon, stick to your plans. You communicated a problem with the dates, that’s all you can do. MIL has the right to pick whatever date she wants, but she can’t force your presence. Just express your sympathies for not being able to attend.
Do discuss this with your fiance, but if it comes down to MIL’s wedding or the honeymoon, go with the honeymoon because she is well aware back-to-back weddings will cause issues – she was the one who brought it up.
Honestly, this whole thing is likely happening because she wants the April date, though, so just let her have the April wedding – you guys didn’t have a leg to stand on to shoot it down.
It’s a hissy fit, but the original problem was with you 4.” whichwitch9
Like a brat at the minute tbh
7. AITJ For Leaving My Daughter's Wedding Early To Go To My Step-Daughter's Wedding?
“As much as a situation like this must hurt the biological daughter, it’s technically fair.
“My ex-wife and I divorced almost two decades ago. We have 2 children who were both under 10 years old when the divorce occurred and both are now adults in their late twenties and early thirties.
My current wife has a daughter with a previous man whom she and my daughter are no longer in contact with. It is important to know none of my children interact with each other (besides my biological with each other of course) not even when they were children and had the typical kids’ parties.
They of course know of each other and have met, but there is no relationship there. When my ex-wife and I divorced I moved to a different city more or less 3 hours away and would make the trip back to visit my children at least 3 times a week.
As they got older the trips became less frequent and when they were old enough to drive sometimes they would make the drive. A few years later, I met my beautiful wife and her daughter who at the time was 3 years old, and needless to say, she is my daughter, and I treat her as if she too was biologically mine.
Now enough backstory. My daughter (T) (from my first marriage) is getting married soon and my other daughter (G) (from my second marriage) is getting married the day after. Same month and year. Neither one did it on purpose as I mentioned there is no relationship between either it is simply an unfortunate coincidence.
G has asked me to walk her down the aisle since she considers me her biological father and as I consider her my biological daughter of course I said yes. I am simply a guest at T’s wedding and there is nothing wrong with that, she has decided her brother will walk her down the aisle and again there is nothing wrong with that.
I let T know I’d happily attend her wedding but wouldn’t be able to stay for the after or the next day celebrations which soon caused chaos. She let me know she didn’t appreciate me choosing my “step” daughter over my “real” daughter which upset me.
I let her know G is as much my real daughter as she is, but she let me know her dislike towards that. I was given an ultimatum by basically the whole side of her family to either stay for everything or not go at all.
As you can probably assume I’ve decided to not go – of course not before trying to find a compromise but to no avail.”
Another User Comments:
“T’s demand is absolutely unreasonable. It’s incredibly unfair of her to expect you to miss G’s wedding in order to turn her wedding into a 2-day celebration.
That being said: having a parent choose to move away after a divorce is a very impactful thing for a child. Whatever your reason was for moving away (and I’ll assume you had a very good reason), you are implicitly telling your child that the other thing is a higher priority than they are.
You moved for a job? The message is that your career is more important than your children. You moved to be closer to other family members or friends? The message is that those people are more important to you than your children are.
So you were facing an uphill battle in maintaining your relationship with your children… It’s doable, but it’s not easy.
Multiple visits per week sounds nice in theory, but where did you actually go if you didn’t live in that town anymore? Because I’ll tell you, dinner with Daddy in a restaurant a few times a week is no substitute for having a bedroom in Daddy’s house where he can read you a story before bed and knowing you’ll eat breakfast in the kitchen together in the morning.
And then you got remarried. Your visits to your children became “less frequent” at around the same time and 6-hour round-trip drives are a lot to ask of relatively new drivers. At the same time, you had a replacement child who did get to live with you.
It’s no wonder that your daughter felt like she’d been replaced. You didn’t even go to the trouble of making sure she had a relationship with her step-sister! I’m sure this was largely a function of the distance and the fact that the kids never lived in the same household, but again, those are a result of your choices.
If you’d made different choices, they probably would be invited to each other’s weddings, so this conflict never would have materialized.
ESH. T for her ultimatum. You for creating a situation where T doesn’t even want you to walk her down the aisle and for making her feel like she had to compete for your affections.” DinaFelice
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ because you could have avoided all the drama if you hadn’t pitted the 2 step-sibling brides if you’d simply accepted your daughter’s invitation and quietly left after the ceremony or reception to attend your stepdaughter’s wedding. It was totally unnecessary for you to tell your daughter that you were once again abandoning her for her step-sister.
And given your frail parental relationship, your daughter’s reaction was predictable.
But giving you props for trying to come up with a compromise after sticking your foot in your mouth. I suspect you’ve done this a lot in your relationship with your children, intentionally or unintentionally prioritizing your stepdaughter over your other children.
Your daughter’s reaction reflects a lifetime of resentment and feelings of abandonment.
As for those people saying that the bride & groom always check dates with close family, there are many people who set wedding dates without checking first with close family.” uwe0x123
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
But not for this situation specifically. Your daughter feels that you have replaced her with your step-daughter. To be honest, you haven’t really acted like her father since the divorce, more like a kindly uncle taking an interest in a niece.
She hasn’t had a place in your life for years (which is obvious by the fact that you have kept your older children and your step-children completely separate).
She never had a home with you (even for a weekend now and then)–if she had, she would know her step-sister.
Seeing her for an outing a few times a week is no substitute for being a parent. I know you’ve told yourself that not missing recitals, etc., means you’ve been a good father, but you haven’t been a father at all.
You have had, at best, a surface relationship. You have kept your life hidden from her and chosen to keep your new family close to your heart while not even trying to be close to your older children or taking into account the damage you have caused them by not fully involving them in your life and being fully involved in theirs.
I assume you didn’t want to deal with the hassle of blending families, but now you know that you’ve made the situation worse. Your daughter will never feel important to you because you have proven that she isn’t.” Nondescriptlady
6. AITJ For Cutting My Youngest Daughter's College Budget Shorter Than My Other Kids'?
“My youngest daughter Vivian tells me that she hates school. Vivian doesn’t have any issues with bullies and enjoys socializing with people. But she hates waking up at 7:15, she hates listening to lectures in class, and she hates studying and homework, even for a subject that she’s interested in.
And there’s frankly NOTHING wrong with that. She doesn’t need to be a perfect student who loves school and homework. The point I am trying to emphasize is that Vivian does not like school. So I was surprised when she came to me explaining that she wanted to apply to a private college.
Vivian told me that she wants to attend this particular college because her friend will be going there on a scholarship. The college is also located near a major city, where some of Vivian’s other friends will be attending a different college but will still be in the area.
I looked into the costs of this private college, the tuition is fairly affordable, but the “catch” is that students are required to live on campus for all four years and the dorm costs are through the roof.
I explained to Vivian that I would pay off all of her student debt if she goes to a community college first and then earns the grades to transfer to the private college (or any number of other colleges, if she is no longer interested in the private college.) But that I am not going to spend thousands when she’s shown me thus far that she isn’t emotionally committed to her studies and won’t treat her education seriously.
Vivian and multiple others have told me that I am being unfair with the community college offer because even though the cost of the private college is steep, I am still able to afford it. And I offered to and paid for her siblings to go straight to four-year colleges.
I will pay for whatever college Vivian wants to attend if she agrees to attend community college and earn the grades to transfer. (Her sister chose to take this route. And she said it was very beneficial in helping her transition from high school to a major college.)
But Vivian tells me that she hates school, studying, and lectures, even if she’s interested in the subject. College is school and includes all the things she hates about school. Vivian still has the option to prove she is emotionally ready for college by attending community college and earning the grades to transfer out.
But I am not going to spend thousands of dollars unless Vivian demonstrates that she is emotionally committed to her studies and will take her education seriously. AITJ for this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but from her perspective, it’s reading like favoritism, and I think you’re approaching it from the wrong angle.
I’d approach it differently – more along the lines of “Aside from social reasons why do you want to go to this college? Do you know what you want to major in? Does this college offer a good program for that? I know you don’t like waking up early for class, do you have a strategy regarding that?
What classes do you want to take? Etc.” Less judging or imposing more questioning, cause if she does have good answers for all of those I’d say do it. And if it is just about applying, let her apply (she has to answer at least some of those questions in the course of applying) and if she gets in then you can revisit this with her, but based on what you’ve said about her interest in academics, it doesn’t sound like a sure thing that she’ll even get in.” MayhemWings25
Another User Comments:
“Have you had Vivian evaluated for ADHD? There are meds that make a huge difference in waking up early, listening to lectures, and studying. If she doesn’t like school she’s not going to like the community college either. If her grades aren’t good, then you didn’t need to be the jerk.
The school would just not let her in. You could have stayed a neutral party and been there to comfort her and offer her alternatives. You needlessly made yourself the jerk in her eyes. I’m guessing she’s a junior because we’re well past application deadlines.
So get her evaluated for ADHD and let her apply. A small, 4-year college could actually be a better environment for her than a community college because there are more discussion-based classes and fewer lecture classes and she can pick classes that interest her.
The other thing to consider is what does she want to do with her degree.
Professional schools absolutely require a high GPA, like medical school, veterinary school, etc., so that’s where you’d want to advise her to not start school until she can guarantee to get her grades up. She wouldn’t need to report community school grades unless she wanted to.
But this is a nobody’s the jerk situation because you’re trying to set her on the right path. As far as she’s concerned, a year separated from her friends is going to be hard to catch up on. But that’s a lot of money to spend if she’s just going to sleep through all of her classes, which she absolutely can do in college.
High school has a lot of structure, but college does not. If she does have ADHD she is going to absolutely crash and burn without medication and learning how to manage symptoms.” MyFaceSaysItsSugar
Another User Comments:
“Look, I get what you’re trying to do here, but you need to be careful.
Your logic is sound if you’re dealing with a kid who just has no motivation and just wants to party. But have you had a long conversation with her about why she hates school so much? I hated school for as long as I can remember.
What I didn’t realize until I was older was that I have ADHD and having to sit quietly while a teacher talks for 45 minutes straight felt like actual torture. And I was so relieved to get home after dealing with it for 7 hours a day that the last thing I wanted to do was sit down and study and do homework.
I actually really enjoy learning, but I was not capable of doing it in the typical way without help from medication. I’m in college now and on medication, and things are so much better and easier that I can’t even fully explain. If your daughter is struggling with something similar then you are ultimately punishing her for something that is out of her control.
I really think you should at least talk to her and try to figure out why she hates school so much. And potentially get her evaluated for ADHD. In the meantime, depending on what grade she is in, she should at least apply to school to see if she gets in and maybe y’all can potentially work out a deal like a one-semester probation period where she can’t fail any classes and that if she does you won’t be paying for another semester at that university and that she’ll be on the hook to pay you back for that semester once she finishes community college or whatever y’all decided.
But please at least try to evaluate what’s going on before you decide that she’s just lazy and doesn’t have the commitment it takes for school. She may very well have more commitment than your other kids. It’s just that it takes all of that and more to even sit through classes all day in high school and she just doesn’t have an ounce of concentration left to go home and do homework and study.” SkeletonWallflower
5. AITJ For Letting My Mom See Our Baby Behind My Partner's Back?
“So I have a 5-month-old son with my partner. She is from a foreign country and is the only one from her family to live here. Her sister came into the country the day she went into labor and stayed with us at our home for a month.
At 3 months her mother came to stay with us in our home for two weeks. Anyhow, after giving birth, she basically shut my mother out completely. I had to fight with my partner to allow my mom to see her grandson at all. I was on board with a little space after birth for bonding and safety, especially during RSV, flu, etc.
About my mom – my mom is the sweetest lady. She’s been so welcoming of my partner, has done everything she could to make her feel welcome, etc. My mom never drinks, smokes, etc. She’s not crazy, she’s not physically ill, she’s not narcoleptic, etc. She’s a genuinely lovely, sweet lady.
We’ve had my partner’s family here at our home for a total of 1.5 months in the first 3 months of our son’s life. My mother on the other hand was restricted to 5 or 6 quick meet and greets including one dinner.
Fast forward.
Every day (7 days per week), I wake up at 5 am with baby and let my girl sleep for a couple of extra hours, she then gets up, exercises, showers, out the door, back to work 3-4 days per week 12 hour days with commute.
Those days, I have the baby from 5 am until 8-9 pm when he falls asleep. He is very physically attached and still sleeps on one of us. It’s exhausting. It’s very hard for me to get anything done other than be present with the baby.
The other 3 days per week, I work 8-hour days, life is really really full, and I have zero time.
We live in a home that I own (it’s old) and I’m continually doing small projects to improve it. Additionally, it’s rained like 20 inches here in the last couple of weeks, so there’s always something going on with flooding, mud, gutters, etc., etc. Also, I have 2 tenants to keep track of.
I say to my partner on and off that we should allow someone to come and help us a couple of hours a week. She is completely opposed to any help at all and outright rejects my mom coming to let me have an afternoon for projects.
She says that my mom should be in the baby’s life “at family events” and doesn’t want my mom “raising her son.”
This is my line. I feel that it is downright mean what she’s doing to my mother. We live just a couple of minutes apart.
I know full well that if this was her mom in this scenario we’d be over at Grandma’s all the time. If my mom only saw my son “at family events,” it would be barely ever.
Around month 4, I say “screw it;” I’m having my mom over when my partner is at work once a week.
(I don’t tell her.) My mom gets to come over, catch up, she gets to spend some time with the baby making faces and playing with toys like a normal grandma. I get to go outside with both hands free for a couple of hours and fix a gate or unclog a gutter or whatever.
Eventually, I told my partner, and she’s livid. We’ve had this argument a few times, but I WILL NOT allow my mom to be shut out of my son’s life. There you have it. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for going behind the mother’s back and not letting her know who is with her baby, especially when she’s already said she isn’t comfortable with it.
NTJ for wanting to have help, nor for wanting your mom to have a relationship with your baby.
It sounds like this was an unplanned situation, which is a lot to deal with, especially when it sounds like you weren’t in that kind of place yet.
Your significant other and you need therapy. You need to learn how to communicate with each other.
You seem to be angry about the life changes. She may also be, we don’t have her here to say. Reading between the lines it sounds like your mom came on way too strong at a sensitive time and lacks an awareness of social cues.
But she’s so nice is often a yellow flag for an overbearing narcissist and you may be a bit of a mama’s boy seeing no wrong from your mom – not meant to be offensive but your mom is not your primary family unit anymore.
It’s clear that you and your partner are not a team. What you’re describing would send a lot of new moms running fast and far – it’s too much.” ste1071d
Another User Comments:
“ESH. You went behind your wife’s back and took your child to someone she didn’t want to look after them.
That is a HUGE no-no. That is adding a ton of fuel to the fire instead of getting to the bottom of the issues and working them out. Tell your mum to back off, you may think it’s sweet but your wife has already told you she doesn’t like it.
She sucks for being so restricting about your mum without coming to more of a compromise than “only at family events” and not using her words to talk to your mum about what upsets her. In the grand scheme of things your mum is just being annoying and a little overbearing which isn’t a good enough reason to just cut access to the child but you both need to come together and act like adults.
Learn to communicate, get some couples therapy, so you’re all on the same page. You guys have a child now, you’ve got to get this sorted before the kid gets old enough to realize they’re being used as a weapon between Mom and Grandma.” TheSuperAlly
4. AITJ For Not Helping My Family With Their Financial Struggles?
“Situations like this can be tricky, but when your family treats you like crap, the best decision is to not help them in any way.
“Growing up it was no secret my older sister was the favorite child. We could both do something bad and only I would get in trouble, they would often say I forced her to do it.
My sister also got better gifts than me. I couldn’t ask for anything over $20 while my sister could ask for something in the hundreds, and they get it for her. Eventually, my sister caught on and used it to her advantage. She would blame me for everything and our parents would believe her.
If she wanted something of mine she would cry to our parents and they would force me to give it to her.
It wasn’t all bad because while I wasn’t my parents’ favorite, I was my aunt’s favorite. She couldn’t have kids of her own so she treated me as her own.
Unfortunately, my aunt moved two hours away to work at a college and I didn’t see her as much.
When the time came I went to the college my aunt worked at, she let me move in with her and helped me out financially.
My sister never went to college and job-hopped. She never had to take work seriously because our parents took care of everything for her. When I left, I went low contact with them because I had no reason to interact with them, they weren’t supporting me emotionally or financially, so what was the point?
Now I have my own apartment, good friends, a cat, and a good job. I was happy with my life. Recently I got a call from my dad. Apparently, they are having a hard time. My sister can’t keep a job, my dad is working fewer hours, and my mother’s new job pays significantly less, so they can’t support all three of them.
He asked if my sister could stay with me to lighten the load on them.
I said no, I am happy now, and getting involved with y’all will just make me miserable. You guys didn’t do much for me when I was young so I don’t owe them anything.
My dad tried to plead with me saying they could lose the house and end up homeless. I still refused and hung up. Since then I’ve been getting calls and texts from them begging me for any kind of help.
I do feel kinda bad because from their calls I can tell they are close to tears.
My aunt says I have every right to not want to help, but every time I hear how bad they are doing I feel guilty, I don’t want them to be homeless but I don’t want to get involved.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Clearly, you have no desire to be vindictive. You are only trying to protect yourself from the negative impact they have on your life.
It’s true that they may have a challenging road ahead that will be hard for you to know they are on… because you are a kind and caring person.
You care about people who didn’t and don’t care about you. Absolutely do not take your sister in. That would be the most harmful thing you could do to yourself.
They also need to realize that they are describing an ongoing financial deficit, not a temporary challenge.
That means that they need to probably sell their house and find a cheaper place to live (among other possible lifestyle changes they should make). They need to be proactive in changing how they live instead of asking you to now be their long-term, ongoing savior and enabler of them continuing to pamper their golden child.
You have no reason to feel guilty if you do absolutely nothing to help them. If you still want to help them, choose something remote (doesn’t require you to be around any of them), discrete (not an ongoing commitment) and specific (not free funds that they can do whatever they like with).
Examples of what you may do are offer to directly pay their electric bill for one month or offer to directly pay for a mover to move them into their less expensive housing. IF you do anything like this, you will need to make clear that this is ALL you are going to do for them, that they need to solve their life problems without you, and that you have no interest in them now getting into your life because they want to mooch off of you.
If you share this with your aunt, I’m sure she’ll agree with these points.” swillshop
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I was in the same predicament 20 years ago and made the mistake of helping them. You don’t owe them anything. Your aunt is the only real adult role model and parent you have had.
Take care of yourself.
(My golden child sibling hasn’t had a job in 20 years. My abusive father denies that he called me and manipulated me into paying my abusive mother’s mortgage while I was in my master’s program (she lost her house when I stopped paying and left for my doctoral program) because he somehow got out of paying alimony and lied about his six-figure income.
(My brother lived with her and refused to work.) I have wished, many times, that I had kept my finances and had them during my doctoral program, when I lacked the financial stability and funding that I enjoyed during my master’s program. Helping them set me back financially in my own retirement.)” RedditParticipantNow
Another User Comments:
“NTJ- The golden child has turned into an absolute disappointment. Mom and Dad are about to become homeless because they have let your sister have a golden life far too long. Even now, they want you to take care of their precious little girl.
Never mind that you were never more than a second thought and they made your childhood miserable.
Time for the golden child to grow up. And Mom and Dad need to realize that they need to deal with the elephant in the room. Sis has to get a job and no matter how much she hates it, she has to stick with it.
Or she faces some very real consequences.
You need to get some cameras and let your building manager know under no circumstances is he to let your parents or sister into your apartment. Golden children are often entitled and they have been known to lie to get into homes.” nickis84
3. AITJ For Telling My Future Sister-In-Law That I Never Wanted To Be In Her Wedding Anyway?
“Ouch, that’s harsh!
“My brother is getting married in May.
My brother and I aren’t super close and haven’t been for a long time. I moved to another state over 13 years ago, he has never been here, met my husband, or any of that. I just occasionally see him when I visit my grandma.
I have met his fiance a few times and she is fine, but we are just very different people with very different lives and priorities.
She is great for my brother, he’s happy, I’m happy for them.
She is very high maintenance, and is ALL about her “dream wedding” and being the princess. It’s all she talks about and has been since they got engaged (she knew he was going to propose so she got her hair and makeup done and hired a cameraman for the “surprise proposal” and has like 4 of the pictures framed in her living room of her looking surprised).
Anyway, she excitedly asked me to be a bridesmaid, and while weddings are really, REALLY not my thing (literally got married in the kitchen by some lady we found on the internet 2 days prior), I said yes because it seemed important to her and I figured it would mean a lot to my brother, so I put on my helpful hat and jumped into the group chats and whatnot.
The group chats never stop… like, ever… I am expected to fly down for dress shopping and other important bridesmaids duties (including rehearsing a flash mod dance…fml…”
Anyway, I got pregnant, and after everyone found out SIL called me and told me the bridesmaid’s dresses she wanted to use for the wedding were going to be very form fitting and I “probably wouldn’t be comfortable being pregnant and all”, and basically let me know I was no longer needed for the wedding party, but GREAT NEWS!!!
I can still help with all the bridesmaid’s duties!
Now… here is where I may be the jerk. As she was going on about how I would still be an “honorary bridesmaid” and I could still help with planning and the showers and the bachelorette party and all that I cut her off (I was in a bad mood) and said, “Look, honestly, I really didn’t want to be in the wedding in the first place, so I’m actually relieved I don’t have to deal with it anymore.”
Apparently, that upset her and made her cry, which led to an angry call from my brother who is saying if I don’t apologize to her, I am not invited to the wedding. I am considering not apologizing and not having to travel to be at the wedding at this point.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH. You for saying yes, when you wanted to say no from the beginning. You should have said no. You weren’t being true to yourself or honest with them about your wants/needs.
Your SIL is the biggest jerk here, for casting you aside when you got pregnant because the dress would be too form-fitting or whatever.
But then also expecting you to do things for the wedding. That’s very entitled and hurtful of her.
Your brother is also a jerk for demanding an apology for expressing yourself. Although I think you should have said no from the beginning, being honest and blunt wasn’t the part that made you a jerk and I think it’s ridiculous that he’d uninvite you if you don’t apologize.
That’s controlling and manipulative behavior.” raindrop349
Another User Comments:
“Uh yeah YTJ.
I mean sure she’s a bit entitled but hey, some people like weddings and since you agreed to be a bridesmaid (which she likely offered to become closer to you, as it sounds like she has plenty of friends willing to do this for her), perhaps she thought you’re into this.
She was also thoughtful. Did you want to stand for someone you don’t particularly care for, in a tight dress, heavily pregnant?! Is it not possible she picked up on the fact that you seemed less than enthused? Did she perhaps at least attempt some tact by letting you know you can still be involved another way?
You agreed to the gig knowing who she is (and despite your disdain for her she doesn’t appear to be a bad person).
You had every opportunity to say you know what, with the baby, I won’t be able to be involved as a bridesmaid.
Maybe I can help in another way.
But no you just…chose to be rude? Why did you choose the nuclear option?
Looking down on others for wanting different things isn’t a nice look.” Ladyughsalot1
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
She’s not wrong for being excited about her wedding and wanting a dream scenario, no matter how gleefully the rest of this miserable thread seems to think she is.
You never communicated your aversion to it, and YOU agreed to be a part of it while seeming to resent/regret everything every step of the way. You’re an adult, use your communication skills. She’s not a brat or a demon, you just never wanted to be a part of it anyway and are punishing her for it.
Where I think she was wrong was the fact that she recognized being a part of the wedding party during your pregnancy might be a drain but she didn’t think to consider doing all the planning and whatnot would also be a drain? I don’t know, I’m assuming there wasn’t any malice in any of her actions, just a lack of thought.
And maybe she wanted you to still feel included. Can’t tell with just this info.
I don’t assume intentional malice on your part, but from your own description it seems like your apathy for your brother and your own views means you’ve been hating on the whole thing from the start and took the first opportunity you had to shove it in her face, “Yea, I didn’t want it ANYWAY.” It was rude and petty and undeserved and now you’re like “Well, I don’t even wanna apologize, so I don’t have to go.”
You’re a grown adult. You don’t “have” to go regardless.
Apologize so you don’t further torch your relationship with these people, and then excuse yourself from attending and save them from your dark cloud. I hate how much of this thread was delighting in tearing the SIL down for the crime of -checks notes- being excited and extravagant for her wedding.” disposablewitch
2. AITJ For Extending Vacation When My Husband Has To Go Back To Work?
“My husband and I are going on a short trip to Rome for my birthday in a few weeks’ time. We are both looking forward to it, and he’s never been to Italy, so he is especially so.
While chatting with my family on New Year’s Eve, I found out that my brother and his wife had an upcoming trip planned to Italy as well, coincidentally arriving the day after my husband and I were due to fly out. A shame, because it’s been ages since we’ve seen them in person, as we live in different countries.
I am close to my brother, so when he asked if we would be willing to extend our trip and come join them in Florence, AND told me that he’d cover our hotel as a birthday gift to me, I was excited to discuss it with my husband.
Unfortunately, he can’t take any additional time off of work. I have the time myself, as I am currently unemployed (so the initial trip would be entirely on him). I wouldn’t want to be an additional financial burden by asking him to pay for an extension he can’t even enjoy himself, but I have a little money of my own saved up, so I said I would handle the flight change fees, train to Florence, and additional expenses myself.
His reaction when I told him that was more sullen than anything, but he had no objections to me extending the trip otherwise. Or so I thought, because he went off on a mini rant about increasing costs of living, and expenses, and how he has to work to support the both of us, but how can I say no when I don’t have to spend any more money on that, etc. I was taken aback because we are obviously keeping an eye on our expenses, given we are a one-income household right now, but I had expected a better reaction than that from him, maybe more along the lines of “I wish I could go to Florence with you, but since I can’t, I hope you have a blast there with your family.” I told him as much, and he went off in a huff, but he came back and apologized later.
Yesterday, I made the arrangements with the airline for a flight change and did some research on the side on what to do/see in Florence. I’ve been there a few times before, but I love exploring new places, so I enjoyed doing that. I didn’t tell any of that to my husband, as I suspected he was still a bit sore/jealous about my trip.
Sure enough, this morning he was grumpy and distant towards me, and when I called him out on it, he said he’s still trying to work through his feelings about the Florence thing. I said we still have a Rome vacation coming up with just the two of us and that we are going to have a lovely time there, and he said he knows that but that his enthusiasm has dampened since the Florence thing came up.
I understand where these feelings are coming from, but secretly, I think he’s being a bit of a baby about it, and his grumpiness toward me is dampening MY enthusiasm for the trip. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. I get that you’re excited about going to Florence and seeing your brother, but think about it from his perspective.
He’s the one working to support you. It probably took time to save up for this trip. Now you get to stay on vacation while he has to go back to work to pay the bills that allow you the freedom to spend more time on vacation.
He snapped, but he apologized the next day. It happens. You now know that he’s sore about it.
Instead of dropping it, you proceed to tell him about all of the fun things that you want to do while you’re there. Things that he can’t do, because he has to go back to work to pay the bills.
Do you really expect him to be excited for you? Maybe you expect him to make suggestions about the things you should do without him? Don’t keep bringing it up, you’re rubbing salt in the wound.” DependentIcy8685
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It’s the complete invalidation of his feelings that did it for me.
Despite “keeping an eye on expenses” he’s telling you that money is a stressor. Have you ever been the sole income of a home during a financial crisis? It’s brutal. It’s emotionally draining to shoulder that pressure and then to have your partner gloss over that while also spending more funds is easily a straw that breaks the camel’s back.
He’s taking on all the financial responsibilities to support your home while you get to spend on a trip just for you.
I’ve been in your shoes as the unemployed partner and there is no way in heck I’d treat my husband this way, especially during a time he’s stressed trying to support us both.
He’s making sacrifices to do that yes? So should you. I understand wanting to see your brother and it would suck to miss the extended trip but if you go, you should fully understand your husband is justifiably hurt and that sort of thing has the tendency to linger.” RuthlessBenedict
Another User Comments:
“You have savings, but that doesn’t mean you can afford the trip. How long can the 2 of you live on one salary? Do you have more savings if there is an unexpected expense, emergency?
You mention you discussed it with your husband.
Was it a discussion or more that “Hey, Brother will be in Florence and offered to pay for the hotel as a birthday trip” and your husband said he can’t go because of time off of work and you said well I can with my savings so see you when I’m back.
Maybe your husband is upset that you just decided this and didn’t really talk it through? Maybe he is really worried about expenses/finances, maybe he is jealous?
You wanted a different reaction and didn’t get one. Your husband said he is still working through what he is feeling about the trip and you want him to be excited for you.
He’s not in the same place as you are with this and you approached it from here’s how this can work. Not here is how this can work, I’d really like to do it, I would like to hear your thoughts and feelings?
Soft YTJ.” travelkmac
1. AITJ For Refusing To Drive My Wife To Work, So I Can Sleep In?
“My wife and I have been married for 7 years and mostly have a great relationship, but there is a major point of strife with transportation. She does not have a license and has no interest in driving.
I did purchase driver training for her twice, and I bought a second car which is now collecting dust. She did not ever agree to practice after lessons and did not want to take the exam because she is too anxious.
I suggested she try therapy for driving anxiety given my job provides insurance for this but she is not interested.
This is usually not a problem as I drive our son (2) to daycare and then drop her off. This adds to my commute but is good because we only pay for parking once.
About 2x a week, I have to work late, which I warn her of 2 weeks in advance. Usually, she has her mom or her sister drive her home on these days. Using this system, we have gotten along for the last few years.
I am on vacation right now for two weeks, which is my first time off since December 2021.
I asked her three months ago to find some way into work so I could sleep in, let our son sleep in, and be able to do activities with him out of the house. She brushed me off and was non-committal.
Fast forward to today of course she found no other way to work.
She did not even look at a bus schedule (she says they are too dirty and they are dangerous due to addicts). She did not ask anyone to drive her.
I woke up at 5:30 am to drive her (one hour each way in rush hour).
Now I have just enough time to clean, finish laundry, get groceries, feed our son, and then turn around and go back. I have no time to go to the pool with our son which I told her was my priority today.
After I got home I sent her a very frustrated text saying I can’t believe she would do this, and she can find her own way tomorrow.
I said don’t even bother trying to wake me up because I’m not setting an alarm, and I will ignore you.
She said I am a jerk, and this is unacceptable. AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not having a driver’s license (I’m 40 and have never had one myself), but she’s still responsible for her own transportation.
It’s a jerk move to make not driving everyone else’s problem.
Your wife needs to figure this out: either getting therapy to get over her fear of driving, or taking the bus, or finding someone at work to carpool with, or finding a job within walking/biking distance of your house, or something else.” toothpanda
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I don’t drive. I’ve never sat for the exam and I am 38. Why? Because I’m terrified of steering. I know I will be an unsafe driver due to my anxiety.
My partner drives me to work and picks me up.
I’m at work extremely early and stay considerably later than normal so that he can be on time. I’m fine with that.
I also always have plans for if he can’t drive me. I have a bus pass and know what route to take – if he needs to work late or something happens that’s how I go home.
He will actually take time off work if I have a medical appointment across the city where our doctor is – but I wouldn’t be upset if he couldn’t, and I try to plan appointments for summer when the weather isn’t brutal and I’m off work so I could go easily with transport.
It’s better for us financially – we couldn’t afford two vehicles anyway.
I would never treat him the way your wife is treating you. I don’t EXPECT the rides – although it is the best financial decision for us, it’s ultimately my choice to not do my share of the driving (he needs a truck for work so even if I did drive he would still be the one taking the vehicle).
She had plenty of time to figure out a plan. She chose not to.
That said – if my partner and I were in your position, we would probably work it out where he would drive me in the morning and start his day early, but I would find my own way home.
Mornings suck a lot more for commuting just cause I would have to wake up even earlier to leave those days and that would suck.” Ohcrumbcakes
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I have a similar situation with my wife, but she takes the bus to work most days.
On the days when there isn’t a bus because of her holidays or working late, it’s only a 5-minute drive so it isn’t much of a problem, BUT when I have a holiday off with our daughter, we both understand that she’s my priority, and I can’t commit to being home in time to pick her up every day.
She needs to learn to be more independent, whether that’s figuring out a carpool or finding work closer to home is up to her. It’s completely unreasonable to expect you to spend four hours every day dragging your son around to drive her back and forth to work and that needs to be a last resort.
Honestly… I used to throw tantrums about having to get up at 7 on my days off when her bus wasn’t running when it only took me 15 minutes to take her. I can’t imagine how you restrained yourself enough to just send an upset text.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, you don’t get to change the rules once established. You chose this driving system once you chose to marry and have a child with a non-driver. This isn’t new. You allowed this system to be put into place and the consequences are you now drive her everywhere.
Maybe ask for marriage counseling as this isn’t working for you. Maybe that will let her see that it’s affecting the marriage and she can choose to learn or not. As my papa would say you want it, you got it, now deal with it.” Reddit user
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