People Try To Maintain Their Reputation Despite Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories

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There will still be times when you are pushed to the edge, no matter how hard you try to become the bigger person. If you react in a way that hurts other people's feelings after being forced to make a tough choice, people may form an unfavorable impression of you, and you might not be given a chance to try to defend yourself from the accusations. Here are some stories from people who are questioning whether they are actually jerks. Tell us who you think is the real jerk as you read on. AITJ = Am I the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk WIBTJ = Would I be the jerk? YTJ = You're the jerk

17. AITJ For Getting A Coworker Fired For Not Getting Me A Christmas Gift?

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“I (19M) work in a small office. In November, a few of my coworkers organized a secret Santa gift exchange for Christmas. It was optional but most people joined in so I did too, though I do not celebrate Christmas (I am ex-Christian) but I still celebrate the holiday season & I thought it would be fun.

One of the people who organized it is a woman Ill call Jen (50sF). She is a devout Christian, I know because she had a lot of religious items on her desk & she is always saying religious stuff & talking about church.

Soon after we all picked names for secret Santa, she approached me & said that she was glad that I’d joined in because ‘it’s nice to see young people getting involved in the spirit of Christmas.’ Then she asked if I would be going to mass for Christmas & I said no. She asked why & I told her that I’m actually ex-Christian so I don’t go to church.

I don’t think I was rude about it but she started acting weird & said that I shouldn’t have joined secret Santa because I was ‘profiting off other people’s generosity in the celebration of Christ’s birth.’ I didn’t know what to say so I said that I would be getting someone a gift too of course & I couldn’t back out now because then one person wouldn’t get anything.

She said she would pray for me & left, & we didn’t really interact after that.

A few days before Christmas we all were supposed to exchange our gifts. I gave the person I picked their gift & then I was waiting to receive mine, I didn’t know who picked me but eventually, it seemed like everyone had gotten their gifts except me.

Then Jen came over & said she was the one who picked my name, but since I didn’t believe in Christmas there was no reason for her to get me a gift in celebration of it.

I was honestly shocked but she left before I could say anything. It did bother me a bit but I decided to let it go because I didn’t want any drama. Later I was talking to another coworker Amy (22F), and she asked me what I got so I told her what happened with Jen.

Amy said I should tell our supervisor about it because Jen has said similar things to a coworker of ours who is Muslim. I told her I didn’t want to make a big deal out of the secret Santa thing & I thought we left it at that.

But after the holidays our supervisor Mark (50sM) called me into his office & asked about what happened with Jen during the gift exchange. I didn’t want to lie to a supervisor so I told him what she said, but also that it wasn’t a big deal to me, it was just a present.

He thanked me & said not to worry but that this was connected to ‘a greater trend in Jens behavior’ & he would have to ‘take action.’ Yesterday I noticed Jen’s desk was cleared out, I asked Amy about it & she said Jen had been fired.

I feel bad because I didn’t care about getting a present that much & I don’t think its something that warrants getting someone fired. I told my friend Sam (19M) about it & he said I shouldn’t have told Mark what Jen said because it was just a dumb disagreement between us.

So I don’t know. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Like your supervisor said, Jen was fired for a pattern of religious discrimination, not just because she didn’t get you a gift. You work for a secular company, or at least not one affiliated with her church, which means she doesn’t get to take it upon herself to punish or criticize coworkers for not believing what she believes in any situation.

That’s the law, and it’s not exactly buried in the fine print. Just because you didn’t take offense in this particular situation doesn’t mean she didn’t still need to go before she picked a fight with someone over something that actually would affect their ability to do their job, let alone before the person she targeted left and filed a formal complaint about the company not doing anything to stop her, because she clearly doesn’t understand why that would be a problem.” mm172

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, this is discrimination in the workplace. Jen, no matter how Christian she may be, did not act it. She should not be asking you questions on your religion/non-religion first of all.

And 2nd, to un-include you in the Secret Santa in such an unceremonious matter could be seen as bullying. It WAS bullying. Let’s also not forget that it was revealed she had done this kind of harassment to others (a Muslim co-worker) so it was not your fault she was fired. This was her fault and management probably needed proof to do it.

You should ALWAYS talk to someone who makes you uncomfortable or says things like this. You did nothing wrong when asked by management what happened and if it wasn’t done to you it would have been done to someone else.

Hopefully, your job is now less toxic with her gone.” Sweet_Charming82

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Jen violated Title VII of the Civil Rights Act, which makes it illegal to discriminate against anybody based on their race, color, religion, gender (including pregnancy, gender identity, or orientation), or national origin.

If your employer had kept Jen employed, even knowing full well of the complaints and behavior, they would have been paid a visit from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. They don’t take too kindly to anybody who either openly discriminates against anybody of any of the protected groups above, or anybody who employs such people who openly discriminate against said groups above.

Your employer needed to gather the evidence, as she’s probably had a few complaints lodged against her. They probably hadn’t investigated one or two at first, although they should have. They should have investigated on the first complaint out of the gate.” PatrickRsGhost

6 points - Liked by elel, Basic101, lebe and 3 more
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KrazyKe11ie 1 year ago
NTJ. I am religious and attend church, NEVER would have asked about your religious beliefs for a secret santa. I wouldn't ever ask because everyone has the right to believe what they want. I know other religious people are not like this, but this Secret Santa was a 'fun and silly' way to have some cheer at work. 'Santa' is for everyone. Jen was way out of line, and added that you are not her first 'religious snub', sounds like she had it coming.
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16. AITJ For Not Giving The Painting To My Aunt?

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“My mom passed away about 2 years ago. My mom had moved back to her hometown after she divorced my stepdad. Her sister handled all the funeral arrangements. My step-sister didn’t attend the funeral and I know they had a sometimes rocky relationship but I was furious that she wouldn’t come to her own mom’s funeral.

I was furious, and I was about to rip into her that she told me that my aunt and uncle warned her not to attend all and told her that they would kick her out if she showed up and she was really torn about it.

I know they had a lot of arguments and fights but they loved each other a lot too and even when they were fighting and not talking to each other they would always check up on each other with me.

I asked my aunt about it and she said she didn’t want someone who treated my mother with disrespect to attend the funeral.

I know my mom would have been heartbroken if she knew that they had forced my sister not to attend the funeral. I don’t think my sister has forgiven herself for not forcing the issue.

She got a really great job after finishing college and she was up a whole day crying about mom not being with us and about missing the funeral.

My mom’s estate was settled and it was split equally between my sister and me.

My mom used to paint and she has this really old painting of her childhood home that she had framed. She had promised to give it to my aunt. It is in my possession and I don’t want to give it to them, I know it makes me a jerk but I don’t want to hand over something which has a lot of sentimental value to someone who hurt people mom loved. I know it is petty and spiteful and everyone on mom’s side hates me for it but I feel like mom wouldn’t have wanted me to hand it over but that may be me justifying my pettiness.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

At some point in time, your mom promised the painting to your aunt. But she didn’t give it to her, nor did she leave it to her in her will.

The end. It is yours to do with as you please, and I surely wouldn’t be giving up a painting my mom did to someone like that.

Funerals generally aren’t generally by invitation, they are public.

So unless it was being held in her backyard, that makes her doubly the jerk.” jdogx17

Another User Comments:

“YTJ

Your mom promised the painting to your aunt.

You and your aunt are behaving in a similar manner in your grief.

You’re both controlling your mother’s funeral arrangements and her possessions, using your love for your mom as a tool to control situations. Your aunt saw your sister as disrespectful to your mom, so she told your sister to not come to the funeral.

And you are using that painting as a tool to punish your aunt for her behavior and telling your sister to not come to the funeral.

Both of you need to step off the control button and stop using your mom as a tool to punish other people.” Cocoasneeze

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, what your aunt did to your sister will haunt your sister forever. If divesting the painting is not left in a will, don’t pass it on. Keep it. Too many people are allowed to hurt others without any real consequences.

Your aunt can’t make up for what she did to your sister, your sister can’t under not coming to your mom’s funeral because your aunt was and still is horrible. You should both let her know she has hurt both of you by doing that.

What if you never asked your sister why she didn’t come? Smh, your aunt was so trifling!” New_Cryptographer721

Another User Comments:

“YTJ but… do you really care.

Sounds like you know your Mom wanted her sister to have that painting.

Sounds like you know your Mom would have wanted both of her daughters at her funeral to support one another if for no other reason. And your petty Aunt thwarted your Mom’s wishes.

So it comes down to this – if you don’t give the painting to your Aunt, will you regret it?

You could always give it to your sister along with the story and then tell your Aunt that she’ll need to get in touch with her for it. I’ve got a few petty relatives myself and the scars and battle trophies to prove it.” georgiajl38

5 points - Liked by Botz, elel, NeidaRatz and 3 more
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Beenthruit 1 year ago
NTJ. Your mom didn't state in her Will that your aunt get the painting. Therefore, it's yours to do with as you wish.
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15. AITJ For Telling My Friend's Partner That I'm Not Her Friend?

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“My (19f) friend Jake (20m) have been friends since my freshman year of college. When the fall semester started, he told me that he got a girl. I was excited for him and asked who the lucky girl was.

He told me her name was Katherine and showed me a picture of her. I instantly recognized her as my middle school bully. A couple of things she did to me were: made fun of my physical features such as my hair and skin tone (I’m black), told me several times and in front of others that I’m too ugly for anyone to like, and spread around the rumor that I was pregnant, resulting in me losing several friends.

Afterward, Jake would sometimes bring Katherine when we were playing games in the basement of the library. She seemed like she has changed for the better since middle school, but I just couldn’t bring myself to be around her.

We would have a small talk here and there, but I just avoided her because I didn’t want to interact with her too much. I told Jake that Katherine seemed nice, but I wasn’t vibing with her.

He was a little sad since he wanted us to be friends, but he understood.

Here is where I might be the jerk.

I’m on winter break, so I decided to go to the mall.

I bumped into Katherine and Jake there. They were with 2 other people. Jake saw me and waved for me to come over. He introduced them as his siblings and told me that they were with Katherine to hang out.

Before I could introduce myself, Katherine told them my name and stated that I was the friend she was talking about. I immediately said, ‘No, we are not friends.’ Jake’s siblings look at me with surprised looks.

She huffed and said that I couldn’t possibly still be holding what she did in middle school over her head, that she has changed since that time, and that she was just a kid. I told her that is exactly the reason why I can’t be friends with her.

She sneered at me, called me a resentful b-word, and walked away. Jake apologized to me for the scene Katherine just made, and he and his siblings went after her.

I told my friend what happened, and she told me I should have snapped like that and just pretended to be her friend because I made the whole group feel embarrassed. After she said that, I felt like a jerk because I had already forgiven Katherine for my peace of mind.

I just couldn’t bring myself ever to be friends with her as she did a lot to hurt me.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ at all.

Katherine never apologized for what she did, and her bullying sounds a lot more like racism than just regular middle school mean girl stuff, so the fact she’s trying to brush it off is just gross.

You’re completely in the right for saying you’re not friends, and your friend who said you should have just ‘kept the peace’ should have kept their mouth shut. Make it clear to those around you that what Katherine did wasn’t just ignoring you in the halls or not inviting you to her birthday party.

Your friends need to know the scope of what she did and how she hurt you.” clovrfestt

Another User Comments:

“NTJ and Katherine clearly hasn’t changed at all, or she would have sincerely apologized for the way she treated you in the past and understood why you didn’t want to be friends.

There are so many ways she could have handled it differently to show you how she has changed, except she hasn’t changed and is going to try bad-mouthing you to Jake and manipulating him to take her side.

I’d suggest you talk to him about it and explain why you can’t be friends with him, what she did, and how you are happy for him but are not able to be around someone like her who refuses to acknowledge the pain they caused someone.

She could have tried to make it right but did not even put the smallest effort in.

Be prepared for him to choose her over you. Initially, the attraction of a new partner is powerful.

Hopefully, he’ll figure out what kind of person she is.” I-am-here-what-next

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Probably most of us have done at least a couple of things as kids that were awful and mean. Maybe we even genuinely regret them and have tried to be better.

But if we encounter those people we were awful to, and ESPECIALLY if they are obviously still hurt by how we acted, we shouldn’t expect to be treated as anything even remotely close to friends until we’ve given a genuine apology.

Even then, you’re not obligated to forgive her. She expected to get away with it then, and she expects to get away with it now.” CumulativeHazard

4 points - Liked by elel, Basic101, lebe and 1 more
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TeaLikeTheDrink 1 year ago
Dude, she called you a jerk for saying you weren't friends. She hasn't changed.
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14. AITJ For Not Telling My Dad That I'm Buying A Car?

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“I (29f) have a car with about 300,000 miles on it. It’s been on its last legs for some time and has a number of issues, but I’ve just been getting by with it because I didn’t have the budget to buy a different car.

Things got a little better for me last year. I was able to save some funds and finally started looking for a new car.

Initially, I asked my dad for help. He knows a lot about cars, he’s worked at dealerships, and knows his way around fixing basic issues, even though he’s not a mechanic.

I’ve usually been able to depend on him when I needed help with buying new vehicles and knowing who to trust, etc.

At first, he agreed to help. I didn’t want to push but 3 months later I started really worrying because my car issues were really increasing.

Anyhow, I asked if he’d heard anything or had ideas about a good place to go car hunting or any cars. He got mad and said he was tired of being the one person people go to for everything.

We have a good relationship (my parents are divorced and he despises my mom though). He was likely mad at me for something my little brother told him (he sometimes pits my divorced parents against each other – I’m guessing he told my dad that I said something negative about him to my mom or something like that).

Anyway, I told him after talking not to worry about it and that I would take care of it. He told me I should go ask my mom for help (‘call your ugly mom I don’t really give a crap’).

Fast forward to today. My mom’s fiancé knows a mechanic (family friend) who had a car that his mother was driving previously. His mother blew the engine because she didn’t get her oil changed often enough.

But he offered to fix it up and sell it to me. He said he would just need to get a new motor and install it. He offered to do it for $10k plus my old car in trade (the new engine would likely cost around $4k – $5k bc he wanted to get one with a warranty).

My old car was worth around $300 total so I felt it was fair. He also put brand-new tires on it and fixed several other issues.

I agreed because I trust my mom’s fiancé (they’ve been together for 5 years and he’s always been cordial and kind to me).

I also know how competitive the used car market is right now.

I picked up the new car today and was excited. I showed my sister and then because I knew my dad would find out (brother) I called him and told him I’d gotten a new car.

He got really upset, told me I got ripped off and that I was an idiot, and that the mechanic probably got a used motor from salvage and lied about getting a new motor. He berated me for not asking him for help when I had an expert right there.

He said mechanics often take wrecked cars and fix them up just enough to get them sellable, and then sell them to unsuspecting people who don’t find out the cars have a lot of problems until later on.

He told me I need to take it back as soon as possible and get my funds back.

I’m now second-guessing myself. Was I a jerk for not asking his opinion just before buying it?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your dad had the opportunity to help you with a car and didn’t. He shouldn’t have snapped at you over whatever petty issue he was mad at from the get-go, and if he really wanted to help he would have asked to look at the new car himself or take it somewhere he knows he can trust. Not attack you for doing exactly what he told you to do.

It sounds like he’s just upset and jealous that you went to your mom for help.

If you are genuinely concerned about the car not being good, take it somewhere you’ve been before and know is trustworthy.

Do some research on what a job like that might have cost, or talk to the fiancé or mechanic about the cost breakdown. Don’t doubt yourself, your mom’s fiancé, or the mechanic just because your dad is acting like a crying baby.

Congratulations on the new car tho! I’m sure you’re very happy you now have a stable ride.” emilyscott627

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. He had an opportunity to help you when you needed it, and he didn’t.

Now that he knows your mom’s fiance helped you he’s put this doubt in mind. This is simply sour grapes. Ignore him and move on just like you did when he didn’t help you.” Appropriate_Self_113

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your dad made it clear that he didn’t want to be the one you go to, so you went elsewhere. Now he’s mad because someone else (worse, his ex’s fiancé) swooped in and covered his butt and did the job he said he was going to do MONTHS ago.

His ego took a beating, and it’s entirely his fault.

If you trust your mom’s fiancé, then the car is probably fine. I doubt he would sell a lemon to his fiancé’s kid.” Padloq

3 points - Liked by elel, lebe and Stagewhisperer
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Beenthruit 1 year ago
NTJ. You asked him for his help and he got mad. He can't say anything to you about buying it and under no circumstances should you give back the car. Your dad is being bitter because you got it with the help of your soon to be step-dad
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13. AITJ For Refusing To Adopt My Ex's Child?

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“I (31M) met my ex (29F) online ~7 years ago. She had a son (6 months at the time, she was with multiple guys and ended up pregnant, still doesn’t know who’s the bio father), but it wasn’t that much of an issue since she seemed like a great person and we had a lot in common.

After a few weeks of chatting and talking online, we went on a first date and had a great time. After that, we just started hanging out whenever she could and shortly after, she introduced me to her son.

A few months into our relationship, we moved in together to save funds since both of us were renting at the time. I started helping take care of her child whenever I could, and we really grew fond of each other.

He even started calling me ‘papa,’ and we just went along with it since my SO didn’t mind.

Almost 5 years into our relationship, she told me that she wants to break up because I became boring and not an active person like I used to be (we used to go on hikes and travel around the country on weekends) and that I work too much.

It was a rough time after that, and I had a hard time accepting it (although not as hard as having to explain to a 5-year-old that he’ll no longer be seeing his ‘papa’), but I managed to get over it after a few months, found a better job that allowed me to work remotely and had a lot of free time, so I managed to explore few other countries.

A few days ago, I got a call from my ex. She said that she is sick and is in hospital, they removed one of her breasts, but recently they found a tumor in her other breast and will need to have it removed as well.

She is scared that she might die if it doesn’t work out and asked me if I would be willing to become her son’s legal guardian and adopt him since she has no one else to ask.

I live a different lifestyle now, travel a lot, and invest in myself, so I told her that I can’t do that. She told me that her son misses me and would love to see me, but I said no again, and she started crying and calling me names before cutting the call.

I talked to my sister and parents about this, and they told me that it’s a messed up thing to refuse it after all those years spent with them. I feel like trash now…

AITJ for not wanting to adopt my ex’s child?”

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here, but consider it.

You did raise this kid for 5 years, but he hasn’t heard from you in 2 years. Has there been any other father figures in the kid’s life?

Who’s caring for him now, and are they willing to take him in after? Does the ex have relatives or friends who would take the kid in? What about the logistics of her survival – cancer is scary, but it can be treatable.

Ultimately, I’m not going to call you the jerk for saying no – it’s not your kid, and it sounds like your ex didn’t let you continue to be in the kid’s life after the breakup.

But I’m not going to say the ex is a jerk for asking because cancer is scary, especially when you have a kid depending on you. It’s natural to feel upset, anxious, scared, and even desperate and want to plan for the worst-case scenario.” Master-Manipulation

Another User Comments:

“You’re NTJ

You gave them 5 years of your life, and she took it away because you were ‘boring’ – WOW. You were a stable father figure in his life; to walk away because of that is garbage.

You’re not wrong for refusing to take him in. You live a completely different lifestyle now. You first altered your life to accommodate them, then she took them away. From there, you’ve changed your life to suit you.

Now she suddenly wants to drop him on your doorstep? That’s not fair at all. She proved – when she left – that you have no obligation to him.

By all means, I hope she’s okay, and things work out.

But to spring this on you is not fair at all. There’s so much to take into consideration.” Idontwanttomake1

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here. You shouldn’t feel guilty for refusing. It’s also understandable why she chose you, and honestly, who can blame her for trying to make sure her son stays with someone she can trust, and someone that the kid loves?

Her calling you names was wrong, but I guess she’s under so much stress right now that her fear and frustration have probably taken over at that moment.” AmazingAmiria

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

You have no reason to believe that you’d actually be in this kid’s life long-term, even if your lifestyle was compatible with parenting.

You could agree to this, start rebuilding your relationship with her child, and then your ex could make a full recovery and decide to cut you out again, leaving you both freshly heartbroken.

There would be nothing you could do about it.

You have no legal claim to the kid. You would just have to accept it. This relationship is long over and from the sound of it, it’s for the best. It’s your ex’s responsibility to make sure there are contingency plans for her child in case she becomes incapacitated or passes away.

If you’re her only option right now, and you’re not interested, that should scare her into creating more options. An ex she hasn’t seen or spoken to in two years was a very flimsy choice, to begin with.” DiTrastevere

2 points - Liked by elel and lebe
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Blissful 1 year ago
Your life has changed. You're no longer in a position to be the kids' papa. Also, if she blocked you from seeing him 2 years ago, who is to say she wouldn't do the exact same thing if she gets better. You shouldn't have to be responsible for a kid you're no longer attached to. I'm sure a small part of you will always care for him, but you can't let yourself be forced into being responsible for a life you're not prepared to care for. It also wouldn't be in your or the kid's best emotional interest, especially if she got better and stopped yapl from seeing each other once again. Perhaps if she actually passes away, you might change your mind, but if not, that's ok too.
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12. AITJ For Getting My Mom Into Trouble?

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“My (15F) mom (30F) had a green pregnancy, and while she’s overall a good mom, she has the tendency to believe that I’m always lying because ‘that’s what she did when she was my age’.

One of my biggest problems is that she doesn’t believe me when I’m sick since she thinks I only want to skip school. When I was 13, my dad (31) took me to the doctor due to a ‘severe allergic reaction’ that turned out to be psoriasis.

My psoriasis is triggered by stress, and it took my mom a long ride to believe me because ‘I had nothing to be stressed about’, the doctor gave me some medicine, and it went away for a while (if you don’t know, psoriasis can’t be cured but it can go away for months or years).

Last month my paternal grandfather passed away, and psoriasis came back, but this time it was different. I didn’t have more medicine, so I asked my mom to take me to the doctor. It took me a whole week to get her to believe me, and when I did get there, the doctor said that I never had psoriasis and it was only a small reaction to something else.  On the ride home, my mom berated me for ‘lying’ about having psoriasis all those years and grounded me.

I followed the treatment, but nothing happened so I told my mom that I had to go back to another doctor (I couldn’t tell my dad because he went back to Texas for the funeral) she didn’t believe me again so in the course of three weeks my psoriasis became awful, it spread from my inner elbows and arms to my chest and breasts (in both sides), and it was going down to my belly button, and to armpits, to the point I even thought I could’ve breast cancer.

It looked so horrible, I was in pain, uncomfortable and itchy due my skin, I couldn’t even sleep and I was sad and angry thanks to my mom so all the situation fed my stress a lot more and thus psoriasis kept going.

My mom only believed me when I went to her crying my eyes out in a tank top so she could see and she took me to the E.R. Lo and behold I was having a severe psoriasis reaction and I told them that I never told my mom so she wouldn’t get in trouble.

They gave me some treatment and everything is fine now, I didn’t tell my dad until last week that I finally saw him and he’s so mad, he told me that it was negligent of her to let it go that far and he might aim for full custody, my mom is crying seven since he told her that and I’m starting to feel bad.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your dad has every right to be angry, and I think you should have told him what was going on even though he was out of town for the funeral. No doubt he had a lot on his mind with his father’s passing, but you needed help, and your mother wasn’t listening.

Between your mother and that one bad doctor, I’m sure it feels hard to trust that adults will actually listen and help you when you need it. But sometimes it’s really important to try anyway, even if you’re worried it might make someone mad.

By the way, I am so, so sorry that the doctor gave you bad advice and caused your mother to doubt you. Unfortunately, you may find you run into that a lot both as a young woman and also as someone with an autoimmune condition.

In fact, it takes women an average of 4.5 years and 4 different doctors to get appropriately diagnosed with an issue, in part because women’s health issues are routinely dismissed or ignored by the medical establishment. It’s hard to learn to advocate for yourself, but it’s a very important skill, especially when it comes to your health.

Now since you’ve had that bad flare-up you know you have psoriasis, and you know that any doctor or nurse who disagrees is not one worth talking to. Don’t let anyone make you doubt what you know to be true.

Not even your own mother.” AccessibleBeige

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – your mum shouldn’t judge you by her past behavior and standards. She should be caring and put your needs first, especially over a serious medical condition triggered by stress.

If I were you I’d urge your dad to aim for full custody and make sure you tell the judge – or whoever gets to decide – exactly how your mum treats you over your medical condition.

Don’t feel guilty about it or let your mum bully you or do the usual female trick – sorry for putting it like this but it’s true of so many women I am afraid – of turning on the waterworks when she’s at fault to try and elicit sympathy or turn the blame around.

I am pretty cold and if it were me I’d cut my mum out of my life. You may not wish to but the relationship you have with her is not healthy for you and you ARE the child in this situation.

I think you’d be better off with your father to be quite honest.” SafariOleg

Another User Comments:

“NTJ for sure.

Your dad has a right to know what went on.

However… it’s possible your mom has learned her lesson.

I think it would be hugely beneficial for you and your mom (and maybe your dad) to have some individual and family therapy to help resolve the issues you have with your mom. Your mom is projecting her own behavior onto you and she needs to learn not to do that.

You need to learn how to clearly communicate with your mom (and your dad) and they need to learn to listen.” 1955photo

2 points - Liked by elel and lebe
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TJHall44 1 year ago
NTA your mom is abusing you
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11. AITJ For Being Offended When My Brother Called Me His Half-Brother?

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“I am 23M, and I have two (technically half) brothers – one from dad and stepmom, who is 10M (Bryson), and another from my mom and stepdad, who is 7M (Jake). From my dad and stepmom, I also have two sisters (17 and 18).

I have always been really close with all my siblings, spending a lot of time with them. I usually hang out with my brothers at least once a weekend and do something with the three of us, even if that’s just dinner at my apartment (my sisters come sometimes, but between school and friends they’re usually busy).

Recently Bryson has been saying that I’m not his real brother, I’m just a half-brother. I don’t know why he started doing that, although I am technically his half-brother, we’ve never used such labels before.

I explained to him that while yes he is correct I am his half-brother, that doesn’t make me a fake brother, I’m still his real brother, and that it is hurtful when he says I’m not his real brother.

I’ve explained that at least on three separate occasions.

In December, Bryson told Jake that I was also not his ‘real brother’ either. This really upset Jake, who is pretty sensitive about our relationship because he’s otherwise an only child at home.

I explained to Jake that Bryson was wrong; I am and will always be his brother.

Since Bryson did that I’ve seen him less often, to be honest, it’s probably half as much. It honestly hurts my feelings that he’s decided to frequently and unnecessarily mention that I’m ‘just’ a half-brother and not his ‘real’ brother, but I think he crossed the line when he said it to Jake, who was really upset.

Now half the time that I’m with Jake, Bryson doesn’t get invited.

Bryson and my Dad/Stepmom have noticed that I hang out with him less. My Dad/Stepmom asked me about it, and I said since I’m just a half-brother, I’ll see him just half the time.

My Dad is accusing me of picking on Bryson now because technically, it’s true. I told him that I had told Bryson that his saying that hurt my feelings multiple times, but the line was crossed when he told Jake that and upset Jake.

Bryson can have his views on our relationship, but I don’t think he was right for upsetting Jake, so now Jake and I spend half the time one on one. I keep wondering if my Dad is right and if I’m being too harsh on Bryson though.”

Another User Comments:

“Ehhhh, no jerks here – I mean, Bryson is KINDA  being a little jerk… but he’s also ten. it seems like maybe you had a good relationship beforehand. cutting him out of your life seems like maybe not the right move and might hurt Bryson without actually explaining why he’s being punished, so to speak

I would maybe have one last chat with Bryson about how you don’t like that he hurt the other brother’s feelings and that you don’t really want to spend as much time with him if he’s going to continue to say hurtful things.

Note: you’re not obligated to do any of this, nor is it necessarily morally required, but I guess my point is more: he’s 10 and WILL say stupid, hurtful things before he really gets that it’s hurtful and YES, there should be consequences because that’s how life works, BUT you’re are still an adult.

You don’t have to meet him at his level ya know?” Flat_Jackfruit_9359

Another User Comments:

“NTJ for being hurt but soft YTJ for stonewalling.

I know you’ve tried to approach him – and he should be held accountable – but this is worth a wider conversation involving your dad & stepmom.

Getting to the bottom of why this is coming up is really important. Think of it as a teaching opportunity. He gets to learn a really critical life skill: emotional intelligence.

Part of this is asking oneself why they feel as they do and what’s driving behavior.

All too often kids will act out (and this is acting out), and people are quick to just shut down the behavior instead of finding out where it’s coming from. Keep at it OP.

You sound like an awesome brother, and hopefully, this is a bump in the road.” Slight-Mechanic-6147

Another User Comments:

“YTJ

What your brother did was incredibly rude. But he’s also 10. He doesn’t understand that nuance and family dynamic.

Your comment about ‘since I’m just a half-brother, I’ll see him just half the time’ is unbelievably immature for someone your age. Seriously, it’s insane that you’re acting like this because of what a 10-year-old said to you.

This is the time to be an adult and a big brother. Explain the situation to them. Get your parents on board with you. This is a moment to teach them not to be a petty jerk.” dcm510

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. 10-yo’s can be so difficult. Sounds like he’s doing it for attention or to get a rise out of you.

Tell him if he’s going to make fine distinctions of blood, that there is no such thing as a ‘real’ sibling.

There are full and half-siblings. Explain what each term means. It’s not a distinction between real and fake, it’s a distinction between full and half. Have the parent present at the time.

Think about why you’re so upset by the silliness being put out by a 10-yo.

They aren’t known for their judgment, consistency, or kindness. They’re attention-seeking machines.” Unit-Healthy

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TeaLikeTheDrink 1 year ago
NTJ...even if he is 10, you have explained it several times, and children are not idiots. If a four year old can understand why they can't see grandma anymore or why the doggy isn't home anymore or why mommy and daddy aren't living in the same house anymore, a ten year old can understand that words hurt.
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10. WIBTJ If I Tell My Friend I Can't Afford Her Bachelorette Party?

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“I’m a bridesmaid at my friend Sammy’s wedding in the summer. She’s been talking about going to a seaside town for the bachelorette party for the past couple of months but has only just settled on the date (April).

Another member of the bridal party, Dan, has taken it upon himself to draw up an itinerary for the weekend and has posted it in the group chat. I was busy all day yesterday so I hadn’t seen the messages, but another bridesmaid, Carla, called me in a panic, saying that she can’t afford all the stuff Dan’s planned so she knows I won’t be able to either.

For context, Carla is a stay-at-home mom, and whilst her partner earns decent income, they have a kid to pay for (no one else in the bridal party has children). I’ve been out of work for a while due to both mental and physical health problems, so my partner is shouldering the finances at the moment.

Dan and his partner both have great jobs, and Dan has always been a bit snobby (like won’t get on a public bus snobby), and I feel like he’s forgotten that some of his friends don’t have the same resources he does.

So now Carla and I are stuck in this situation where we obviously want to celebrate with Sammy, but with 3 months to go, we don’t know if that’s time to figure out how we’re going to pay.

I asked Dan yesterday if he had a rough idea of the costs but haven’t gotten a reply. I don’t expect my partner to cover for me, and to be honest, I don’t even want to ask him.

WIBTJ if I mentioned to Sammy that I don’t think I’ll be able to afford to do everything Dan has planned for her bachelorette party?

UPDATE: Dan replied in the chat with the costs laid out and as suspected it’s far more than I can afford.

He did ask if it was ok for everyone and if not we can look at changing things, so I replied saying as it stands I would only be able to afford 1 night. Thankfully Carla and another bridesmaid backed me up in the chat so hopefully we’ll be able to come to an equitable solution.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. No friend should ever expect you to spend beyond your means for their bachelorette and wedding costs. Be clear and kind in your conversation with her. Let her know you love her and would love to celebrate her bachelorette party festivities with her, but your financial situation at moment won’t allow you to.

If she or any of the other members of the bridal party react badly, they are jerks, not you.

Personally, I find the culture of just expecting friends to shell out a large amount of funds to be a part of your big day (or lead up to it) disgusting.

People who want to spend lots of funds on a big to-do are welcome to, but they should never just expect their friends to share in those financial priorities.” Mo-Makes

Another User Comments:

“NTJ as long as you tell her as soon as possible and nicely.

Try and avoid specifically saying ‘the things Dan has planned’ because that can be accusatory and start drama which is unfair to your friend Sammy. It also might be a good idea for Carla and you to have this conversation together.

Just something along the lines of ‘Sammy, we love you and we want you to have the bachelorette party you want, but we just can’t afford this plan. We’re sorry we won’t be able to join in but we want you to have a great time.’

If you feel upset, perhaps you could suggest something additional the three of you could do together, or put some of the funds you had budgeted for the bachelorette party into a small surprise for her.

It may be that when you have this conversation, Sammy says she’d rather do something simpler that you can all be part of but it would not be reasonable to ask her to do so.” DazzlingAssistant342

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – you shouldn’t have to put yourself in debt or burden your partner with the costs of someone else’s party. Carla and you should tell Sammy that unfortunately you cannot afford to attend the bachelorette party as it is being planned but would love to schedule something else that you three can do together to celebrate, or just attend the parts you can afford if it works with the scheduling.

Either Dan can offer to cover the costs if he doesn’t want to change the plan or you have an affordable outing with Sammy separately.” Horror-Cranberry4456

2 points - Liked by elel and Stagewhisperer
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Beenthruit 1 year ago
NTJ. I'm so tired of people planning these huge Bachelorette parties not caring that people can't afford it. Why does it have to be a multi day party?! It seems Dan forgets that not everyone has his financial resources. I'm glad other bridesmaids spoke up about not being able to afford it as well.
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9. AITJ For Asking My Mother-In-Law To Stop Treating My Like A Caregiver?

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“Me (34M) and my husband (47M) have two children (a girl and a boy, both 5 years old) via surrogacy.

My husband was the sperm donor. If you haven’t noticed, we are a gay couple. My MIL wasn’t never my biggest fan, I don’t know the reasons but I can only assume that it has something to do with my decisions and my lifestyle, there was a time when she thought that I was taking advantage of her son and his funds.

My husband is older than me, and for that reason, she assumed that I was taking advantage of him or trying to. Obviously, this was never true, and I think I have proved myself in the last 7 years.

My MIL is a fan of children, she basically harasses her kids to have a baby if they’re not parents, and if they already have babies she demands more, my husband wasn’t the exception even if he’s gay.

We always wanted to have children because both of us are naturally family-oriented men, and we’re planning to have more. I love my family, and I love my husband but MIL makes me feel inadequate.

She makes constant remarks about how my children are not biologically mine, at first I didn’t care because she’s right but I’m getting very annoyed lately. We were celebrating our kid’s birthday, and a MIL’s friend (I don’t know who invited her) told me that my babies are beautiful (which I’m proud of) and she told me that my son acts exactly like me, and I laughed because it’s true, and MIL told her ‘It’s learned behavior because they are not his biological children’ when she thought I wasn’t listening, I ignored this.

After all, she is right.

Both my husband and I work, and sometimes MIL take care of the babies, one day I came to pick them up and I listened to my MIL telling my daughter to tell ‘daddy’ about something (nothing important), and my daughter came to me and told me what MIL asked her to, and MIL said ‘No, not him.

Your daddy’, my kids call me daddy, and my husband ‘papa.’ I felt attacked because she doesn’t see me as the father, she sees me as a caregiver and not important so I told her that I’m literally ‘daddy,’ I’m literally the father, not the caregiver, not a nobody.

I asked her to stop treating me as the caregiver because I’m the real dad too. She immediately apologized and told me that I overreacted. Did I? AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I give you credit for not going off on her, and from your post, it sounds like you didn’t.

You asked her to respect the fact that you’re also the children’s father and to stop acting like you’re just a caregiver.

You pointed out that she doesn’t ‘hate you out loud’ and as a fellow queer, that hit me.

Whether she realizes it or not, her actions are rooted in homophobia. If her son was married to a woman, and that woman had used donor eggs, would your MIL be acting the same way?

Or if he was married to a woman and they had to adopt?

Maybe she would, but I doubt it.” alidub36

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I’m glad you’ve told your husband. You’ve put up with her crap for 5 years & now she’s making comments directly to your children.

This is where you need to draw the line because it is now affecting them. I understand not doing anything when it’s only affecting you because you thought you were just being oversensitive, newsflash you really aren’t, yes she was absolutely doing it on purpose & not saying things where her son means she is aware he will react badly to her malicious comments.

She gave a non-apology by saying sorry, but you’re overreacting. That’s covering herself so she can say as soon as you brought it up, she instantly apologized. She’s not remotely sorry. Going forward, your husband needs to deal with her & make it clear her nonsense will not be tolerated. You are both equal parents to your children & if she wants to stay a part of their lives, this garbage stops now, this is her only chance & you will cut her off completely before you will allow her to poison your relationship with your children.

Set a hard boundary with consequences that you follow through.” Kindly-Platform-2193

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, and you should have not ignored it for this long. She needs to stop, and you need to have your husband be completely aware of how inappropriate and cruel she is being to you.

Your kids are going to suffer. She is confusing them and may cause them to question you as their real ‘family.’ Talk to your husband because you guys need to address this as a family unit.

Both of you need to talk to her as a united front, and the ultimatum needs to be ‘IF it happens again, you will no longer be spending time with the kids.’ Threaten to take that which she holds most dear.

She can’t have access to her grandchildren if she’s going to confuse and poison them.

Ultimately, your job is to protect your family. If your kids are being told by grandma that their Daddy is not their Daddy, that is NOT OKAY, and you need to protect the kids from her and her bitterness.

Your husband needs to have your back, and you BOTH need to stop acting like it’s not a big deal just because she’s ‘technically’ saying the truth.

She apologized, so she’s already admitted fault. If she does it again, it will be a perfect time to draw a line in the sand because she’s already been warned. But I think if you don’t address it together as a couple, addressing her WITH HER SON and both saying the same thing, she probably won’t take you very seriously.

This needs to be a serious and full intervention-style discussion between you, your husband, and this woman about how you will NOT allow your kids to be confused or your family to be undermined because she can’t stop pointing out the biology.

If she can’t respect your wishes about your kids, she can stop spending time with them.” T00narmy1

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Beenthruit 1 year ago
NTJ. I would have gone off on her. It's deplorable how she treats you. Honestly, I wouldn't want my children around her. You don't know what she says to them behind your back. She's trying to alienate them from you.
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8. AITJ For Disapproving Of My Brother-In-Law Buying My Father-In-Law's House?

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“My wife’s parents have owned a house for 20 years. Her mother passed away a few years ago, and since then, her father has been living in the house alone. Her brother’s family helps out a lot and has him over for dinner almost every night.

My wife and I visit about once a week and help out, but not as much as my BIL’s family.

My FIL owes about $150k on the mortgage, and the home is worth about $500k.

My BIL’s family has been talking about taking ownership of the home and letting my FIL live with them for years because he wants to age in place but he doesn’t have any funds to retire.

The plans have always been very vague and no one has ever shared any details with me and my wife or discussed how things would work. I always assumed that my wife would get a portion of the equity of the house, either when my BIL bought it or when my FIL passed away.

We were out to dinner last night and the topic of the house came up and my BIL mentioned he would be putting his own home on the market in about a month and buying his father’s house.

I suggested that all the family should get together with a lawyer to figure out a fair way of distributing the equity. My BIL and his family got very upset and said we only care about the worth of the house while they are looking out for what’s best for the father.

This morning we visited my FIL to try to discuss the situation. It did not go well. It seems likely he had willed the house 100% to his son, but he wouldn’t tell us one way or the other.

Everyone thinks we’re huge jerks and we’re trying to ‘claim our inheritance’ while my FIL is still alive.

No one will give us a straight answer about the plan, but it seems like my BIL is going to take ownership of the house without having to pay much if anything for it and that they will get the house completely when my FIL passes away without any other family members getting anything.

They say that since they’re going to let him live there and fix the place up that they should get it. They don’t seem to be willing to discuss any alternative arrangements.

If my FIL wants to just give the house to his oldest son, that’s his choice and we would respect that.

No one will tell us if that is or isn’t the plan. If my FIL’s will says for the house to be divided by his three children, we would probably get around $50k-$100k if he were to pass away without my BIL buying it.

If he buys it looks like we would get nothing. My SIL angrily said they weren’t going to ‘pay us off’ when I asked about our interest in the house.

It’s so tense that I don’t know if I ever want to see my FIL and BIL’s family ever again.

It’s not the funds, it’s the secrecy, deception, and unfairness. They say all we care about is the funds, but at the same time they seem perfectly willing to keep the $350k in equity on the house and give us nothing.”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. Wow, you’re super entitled. It’s extremely common for the child who cares for an aging parent to get the house or more inheritance in return. They are already doing a huge amount to care for him and will do even more when they move in together and he ages.

They are all thinking like a family figuring out the best way to care for dad, and you and your wife are just thinking about money. They don’t owe you anything.” User

Another User Comments:

“YTJ

It would be one thing if this story was ‘we are worried BIL is taking advantage of FIL in his old age, and no one will tell us what is going on.’

But this story is ‘no one will tell us if we get funds.’

Your FIL gets to decide who he leaves his home to, I can totally understand being upset/it being a jerk move if a parent shows favoritism in what they leave each child (those stories where one kid gets nothing cause they are unmarried or the wrong gender).

But this sounds like FIL is getting some care and debt relief, and so has decided that is worth it even if BIL also gets an advantage. It isn’t your business, especially since this isn’t about you caring about FIL, just that you think you deserve a cut.” mfruitfly

Another User Comments:

“YTJ

And it really DOES sound like you’re in it for the money.

Who becomes this obsessed with someone else’s inheritance? You can say you’re looking out for your wife as much as you like, but this right here –

It’s not the funds, it’s the secrecy, deception, and unfairness. They say all we care about is the money, but at the same time, they seem perfectly willing to keep the $350k in equity on the house and give us nothing.

Says it ALL!” handydandy2020

1 points - Liked by Basic101 and lebe
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KrazyKe11ie 1 year ago
YTA. If you had said you want paper work so that the BIL had to maintain a certain standard of living for your FIL (like not going into a nursing home unless medically necessary) then really you have no business caring what happens to the house. BIL has been paying out to make sure the house it maintained and the bills paid, well being there for his dad. You guys go once a week, to maybe share a meal and talk? If you want to make amends tell BIL to have the house put into a trust, so that it doesn't go to probate after FIL passes, and then the house could be lost to all of you forever
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7. WIBTJ If I Want To Raise Our Kids In A Language My Partner Doesn't Speak?

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“My partner (18M) and I (17F) have twins (<1F). I speak both English and another language, my partner speaks only English, and we have very different opinions on how to raise the twins. He believes they shouldn't grow up able to talk with each other behind his back, which I completely understand.

In addition, though he hasn’t said it, I get the feeling he might be a bit concerned that the girls will love me more and speak to me in the other language in his presence, leaving him out of the loop.

I completely get where he’s coming from, but I’m of the opinion that the more languages our kids speak the better, and that they need to be exposed to my language.

We’ve had several arguments about this and it’s caused a certain amount of strain on our relationship.

He argues that since every close family member is fluent in English they have no need to know a second language, which I vehemently disagree with.

It may be worth adding that one of the girls is displaying signs of hearing loss.

They don’t believe she’ll be totally deaf and we are still waiting for tests, however, we have already started learning British Sign Language as a family, so the girls will essentially grow up trilingual.

I’m honestly at a loss.

Do I insist on raising them bilingual or concede to only speaking English? WIBTJ for insisting on raising them bilingual against my husband’s wishes?

ETA: The language I speak, which I was intending to keep private but on further reflection, I feel actually needs to be shared, is Welsh.

I will be having a serious conversation with my partner later today about learning it as a family!

My partner is the best man I have ever met and I can assure you he treats me incredibly well.

I think this issue is truly coming from a place of love for our kids. He was completely aboard on learning the sign for Freja, and I’m certain after we have an in-depth conversation on the benefits he’ll also want to learn Welsh for them.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Teach the babies another language.

There’s lots of research showing the benefits of learning another language at an early age. I’m sure you can find a presentation online that would educate your partner.

You would definitely need to repeat whatever you say in your second language to the girls in front of him. Maybe you can promise to always repeat yourself in both languages. It would be years and years and years before they were fluent enough to speak the second language to where he wouldn’t understand and by then he will have learned a good bit himself especially if he chooses to put the effort in.

He’s making a very selfish and childish decision here but he is also very young.

Both of my children speak English and Spanish thanks to an immersion program that our school district offers. They had a very detailed presentation about brain health and how they’ll benefit from being smarter beyond just knowing a second language.

Years later we’re still happy we agreed to join the immersion program. My husband and I don’t speak Spanish but I’ve picked up a good bit of helping with their homework. They are now 10 & 8 and we have yet to have them conspire against us in Spanish.

I honestly am looking forward to that day.” laurathehara

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Ask just about any adult who grew up with a parent or a grandparent from another country if they regret not learning their language while they were young, and you’ll almost always be told ‘yes.’ There is a limited window in which people are able to learn any language to native fluency, and that window closes around age 10.

After that people certainly can learn languages to a high level of skill and fluency, but not to the level of a native speaker of that language. If you wait until your kids are old enough to choose for themselves if they want to learn your native language, they simply won’t have the same level of ease assimilating as they would have if they started younger.

Besides, what’s preventing your husband from learning some of your language also? He would be starting on a level for literal children, so if he makes an effort he could pick up an awful lot by the time the kids are old enough to carry on real conversations.

Not to mention if one of your children has hearing loss to a degree that she will need to learn British Sign Language, he’d be a jerk if he didn’t try to learn also. Otherwise, he’ll barely be able to communicate with his own child.” AccessibleBeige

Another User Comments:

“There’s literally no downside to knowing more than one language. It’s good for the brain. It’s a good connection to that part of their culture, assuming that the other language you speak is from a culture that you’re part of.

It’s useful, just in life generally – you never know when you’re going to run across someone who speaks that language, and if it shares similarities with yet another language the child grows interested in it later (think of the similarities between Spanish, French, and Italian, for example) learning the new language later will be easier with the first one as a base.

Knowing more than one language can open up opportunities in both schools and later in the workplace that won’t be as available to people who speak only one language.

NTJ. He would be the jerk for denying them cultural connections, opportunities, and plain old information and skills.

And if he has concerns about being left out, there’s nothing stopping him from learning your other language too.” Old-Elderberry-9946

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CletusSnow 1 year ago
NTJ. He doesnt have a lot of trust in you (or self esteem) if his big issue with a second language is that you and they will be able to plot things or insult him without him knowing. The insecurity is probably a bigger issue going forward than is a second language.
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6. AITJ For Not Attending My Sister's Wedding Because Of Her Offensive Comment?

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“I’m 28F, my sister is 23F, and her fiance is 36M. We have 4 more siblings.

I am in the middle. I work overseas, and because of quarantine, I couldn’t come back home and meet my family for two years. I came back home last week and we had a family reunion over this weekend.

I knew the man my sister is seeing and was not happy with her choice. We’re both freelance artists. Before I left, I worked with him before. The entire time we worked, he used to hit on me all the time.

I refused him. I am a lesbian in a closet, so now you see why. And through some mutual friends, I was told he can’t commit to his life. He can’t keep it in his pants, simple as that.

He was married before and believe my sister doesn’t know about it! Since I only told this to one of my brothers and they were unaware as well.

So the weekend came. I arrived earlier than most. Spent all the time with my nephew before dinner time.

My oldest brother’s wife asked me how I am and how my work is. SIL then asked me about some work-related stuff since she follows what I share on social media. My sister interrupted us and began talking about her wedding.

We were never close to each other. Never felt the need to compete with her though. She’s so much prettier than I am. Have to give it to her lol. I spent most of my life burdened by my looks and avoided mirrors like plague.

Turned the rest of the conversation to her wedding and her plans. Showed us the location and the desserts they have decided on, and ordered at a local bakery. Without even asking me she asked me what size I am currently wearing.

I am losing weight. And she told me she ordered me a bridesmaid dress size EU 10 (which is medium in other countries I think).

Told her she should have asked me for my measurements and I would have forwarded them to her.

My hips are wide which might be troublesome. The dress may not lay very nicely on me. She then responded by saying I could always lose weight before her wedding. This comment completely burned me.

After ten minutes I excused myself to the bathroom so I could cry. It is not that easy. I have been dealing with my weight for my whole life.

This morning I woke up and decided I am not attending it.

Told my sister everything about how her comment made me feel. Never told her anything about her fiance and probably won’t. She started telling me how it is not that bad, I am too sensitive and I need to grow some balls.

Told her I am stealing her happiness on her upcoming special day and now I ought to destroy it. Two of my oldest brothers are siding with me and believe I am in the right not to go there, one of them might not be attending as well.

Meanwhile, the rest of the family are refusing to speak to me and think I am jealous since I have been single for so long.

January 11 Update: We had a huge fight. She started texting me on Messenger around 4 am.

I definitely see my fault in this situation for not telling my sister about her fiance. I do want to tell her he’s been married before but know well she would not believe me.

She has uninvited me from her wedding officially.

Told me that I will have to pay her for a dress she ordered to make up for the damage. Brought up some childhood memories I don’t even remember ever happening. Messaged her back. Said I am open to talking to her later in the morning.

I even wanted to apologize to her for overreacting. I have PMDD and realized I might have overreacted to her words because of it. She insisted we talk now.

I told her she knew how sensitive of an issue my weight always was.

I have been bullied over it relentlessly. I would starve for days and then binge eat. Had to change schools at one point. I don’t like taking pictures of myself for the same reason. While I have lost tons of weight now I will always know who I am deep down.

She responded that it is my fault I didn’t take care of myself when I was a teenager. Everyone can lose weight. I should stop making excuses. And she really wanted to have her only sister at her wedding as her bridesmaid.

Made many comments about how my character is too difficult to make anyone stay. Told me how they all went to a relatives reunion recently and everybody was making fun of me for being an underachiever.

Which I know and I can live with that. I was always a black sheep.

I am very torn between leaving her one last letter and blocking her everywhere. But also thinking about asking my older brother to tell her he heard it from someone else.”

Another User Comments:

“First, don’t let your family gaslight you. NTJ. There’s a lot going on here – some related, some not.

Should you tell your sister about her fiancé’s past behavior towards you and his prior marriage Understandably, you do not care for your sister’s fiancé because he hit on you while he was married. I don’t understand why, but a lot of time has passed with you choosing to not tell her about this.

It sounds like your rationale is that you aren’t close. Regardless, the ship may have sailed on this. If you tell her now, it would be difficult for anyone to process this enough to call off a wedding less than a month before, So are you really helping her?

Or, as it sounds, would the reason for telling her to be out of spite? More to the point, to hurt her.

I can understand wanting to lash out at her. Your sister sounds immature, indulged, and self-centered. It sounds like many of her recent comments were said solely to be hurtful.

Do you want to model her behavior? I suggest you don’t.

Do you want to try and make things work with your sister’s wedding? Regardless of your decision about long-term close contact with hurtful people, the short-term question is about attending the wedding.

The reality is, she has disinvited you so no further questions because the right next step isn’t to try and coddle her and fit into the dress.

She made a poor decision and ordered a dress that is the wrong size.

The dress, not your body, is the wrong size. The healthy response to this isn’t to attempt to quickly lose weight. (Good for you for thinking about your long-term health, but that’s the future and isn’t an issue related to this dress.)

Now, if she again extends an invitation and you are open to it, your attendance is based on her choices.

She can either order the correct size or she can agree to purchase a dress in the correct size that coordinates well in color or style.

If it’s too late to order a dress and she refuses a different dress, then that’s her decision. Try not to involve yourself in the situation that she created or creates in the future.

(Difficult, I know!)

If your family blames her behavior on you, the response is simple, ‘She made the decision to disinvite me, seemingly based on ordering the wrong size dress and then wanting to be hurtful about the situation.

If she changes her mind and I decide to attend, another dress will need to be purchased. End of story. It’s the wrong size. Take this up with her.’

What future with her and your family is best for you?

It sounds like you are at a crossroads. Leave the drama and their emotions behind and ask yourself what is in your best interest.

It’s concerning that your response to hearing that your family was describing you as an underachiever, in other words speaking ill of you, was to say that you’ve always been the black sheep.

Have you spun this to simply consider yourself as forging an alternative path in life, or have you internalized their rude behavior to consider yourself as ‘less than?’ The former might be excusing their behavior and the latter is truly unhealthy for you.

Are you sure you want to have close contact with her and other family members that would be so hurtful. This is a big, tough question. My suggestion is to reduce this to bite-size decisions – put the matter of the wedding to bed, one way or another, and then, take some time to think about what type of relationship with your family is in your best interest.

Put yourself first, not because only you will, but because only you know what that looks like.” iheartwords

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here.

You say this is about the comment she made, but you spend a lot of time talking about her choice of a husband, and that she interrupted your conversation about work things to talk about her wedding.

Are you sure this is just about the one comment?

You say he is a womanizer and she doesn’t know, but you are content letting her get married to a man that will be unfaithful to her.

Is that loving and kind? Are you hoping this happens? Would you want your family to not tell you about your lying partner?

You say you’re not close, you don’t compete with her but then say something comparing looks just to show us how much you don’t compete?

That makes it seem like you aren’t being honest with yourself.

Not going is kind of the nuclear option. If you want to create a rift that might not heal, this is a good way to do it.

It makes people choose sides. And that might be the best option, I don’t know enough to say. But if it is the best option, then this is waaaay beyond one hurtful comment.” Parasamgate

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, She was way out of line, commenting on your weight, and then invalidating you when you told her how upset it made her. It is reasonable to set boundaries to protect yourself from harm.

But, I’m worried about her. She’s 23, marrying a 36-year-old? That’s a really really big age gap at that age. She doesn’t know about his previous marriage. You know he has a reputation as someone who can’t keep it in his pants?

He was always hitting on you when you didn’t want it?

It’s not a reason to let her treat you badly, but it sounds like she really needs someone on her side, who she can trust, if she realizes this guy is not a good match.” dancinghyrax

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Beenthruit 1 year ago
NTJ. First, she ordered a dress without even asking you if you would be in the wedding. Second, she butted into your conversation and made it all about her. Third, she belittled your feelings. This man is not good for your sister at all. She is headed for heartache. Telling her about him probably won't change her mind, she'll say you're jealous and bitter and made it a up. Your brother can tell her but again, she won't believe it. She has to find out for herself.
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5. AITJ For Wedding A Ring My Ex-Husband Gave Me?

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“My ex-husband was not a good person. I will leave it at that so this post doesn’t get pulled. We got divorced Oct 2018.

During our early marriage, he bought me a pink sapphire pinky ring. Well, he told everyone it was a birthday gift, but in reality, I was the only one employed at the time; I picked the ring out, filled out the purchase paperwork, and made the trips to and from the jeweler to have it sized.

I haven’t worn the ring since our divorce, it’s just been sitting in my jewelry armoire. But over Christmas, I was sorting through some things in there because I had received some earrings from my current partner (A wonderful example of a human being, by the way).

I noticed the ring and thought, ‘Why am I not wearing this? It’s beautiful, and I adore it.’ So I cleaned it and started wearing it again. My current partner asked about it, and I told him the entire story.

He has zero issues with me wearing the ring because as he sees it (and I see it too), I bought it.

My mother noticed I was wearing it again. She told me it was trashy to wear a gift from my ex, especially since he was so horrible to me.

I told her it’s a beautiful ring and I enjoy wearing it, so why shouldn’t I? Her reply was, why don’t I start wearing my wedding set again too, because it’s a beautiful ring? And if I don’t care if this ring was from my ex, why should I care if my wedding set was?

She told me to sell the rings and buy something new with the money.

I strongly feel a wedding set is different than a small pink sapphire pinky ring. But maybe it is trashy to wear something that was publicly a gift from someone no longer a part of my life.

ETA: My mother is fully aware of the situation surrounding the acquisition of the ring. Heck. She encouraged me to divorce him in part because of his inability to maintain employment. She is extremely concerned with appearances.

And how things look to other people and what other people are thinking/saying about her or her family.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your mom has made her opinion known as a mother’s privilege. (For anyone else, this would be stepping over a line.

In truth, it is for your mother as well, but mothers get a certain number of exemptions per year, so we’ll just let this slide.) Let her know you’ve heard her with respect but have chosen to continue wearing the ring.

If she brings the subject up again, repeat your position firmly and tell her you do not wish to hear any more about it.

This can actually be a ‘teachable moment’ where you redefine the relationship a little bit so your mother realizes that you’re the one in charge of your life.

Many mothers need a fair number of these even years after a child has transitioned to adulthood. As the song says, ‘Be kind to your parents. However, they don’t deserve it. Remember, they’re grown-ups. A difficult stage of life.’

Another approach would be to inform your mother that you decided she was right, so you sold the ring. But you liked it so much that you bought another one just like it. Stick to that story with a straight face.

Whenever she objects to the ring, says, ‘Oh, mother, this isn’t that ring. I agree wearing that ring would be tacky!'” Opus-the-Penguin

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – she seems to have a lot of opinions for someone that wasn’t involved in the purchase and clearly doesn’t know the facts.

That it happened to be purchased WHILE you were married to the first husband or that he bragged of ‘buying it for you’ doesn’t mean he had an actual hand in any of it.

Does she want semantics?

Okay. Sell the ring to your wonderful husband for $1. He can then gift it to you, present it to you, mini-propose to you with it, find matching earrings and give you it all as a set, resize it for a different finger on you, add something to the ring or change the setting, whatever he wants… and then it is HIS ring to you.

Your mom: ‘Are you wearing that same ring?!’ You: ‘THAT ring was sold off. This ring/set/design is from my husband’. ” C_Alex_author

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Beenthruit 1 year ago
NTJ. You paid for the ring, it's yours. Wear it and enjoy it. Your current partner has no issues with it so leave it at that
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4. AITJ For Saying My Mom Is Irresponsible With Her Phone?

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“My (20f) parents (in their 50’s and 60’s) are typical boomers who refuse to learn to use technology effectively.

I’ve written about them before, about how controlling and close-minded they are.

My mom has had a smartphone for years and still hates texting and doesn’t really know how to download an app.

One night, in particular, I was on my university campus in the late evening because my professor scheduled the final exam for that time. It was getting dark fast, and I didn’t want to be there longer than I had to, so I told my mom I would call her as soon as I was done so she could pick me up.

My parents don’t allow me to drive, as a result of them being so strict.

When I was done with my exam, I called my mom, but it rang and went to voicemail. I called again, and the same thing happened, so I sent her a text.

After 10 min I called and left a voicemail again. I understand this may sound excessive but it was dark outside and there was barely anyone else left on campus, and of course, we agreed that I would call her right away.

After over half an hour, she called me to say she was grocery shopping and would pick me up in 20 min. I asked her why she didn’t pick up the first time I called. She said she put her phone on low sound because ‘it wouldn’t look good’ if her phone rang in public.

When we got home, I told her she needed to be more responsible with answering her phone, as I was basically stranded on an empty campus at night. My mom laughed it off, saying i was being too harsh on her because she’s an older person so she’s not the best with her phone, and that i was being impatient by wanting to leave campus right away after my exam.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ but with two caveats: (1) you are an adult. I understand that your parents are strict, but it’s time to start establishing some independence, which could begin by simply calling ubers if you’re stranded somewhere.

Long term, you need to get a driver’s license or some other reliable mode of transportation. you don’t need parental permission (to be honest, they don’t even have to know. It’s not their business).

(2) you can’t demand or expect someone to always answer their phone immediately. admittedly though, it seems like here she knew that she would be picking you up around then and should have been prepared. but this ties into (1): it is not safe or healthy to remain so reliant on your parents.” Key_Area_3366

Another User Comments:

“YTJ for simply calling your parents boomers.

Boomers, by the way, are from the generation before so were born just after and during WW2 so a boomer now would be in their late 60s and 70s.

The term boomer is inherently ageist and if the USA has an equality act that’s written the same as the UK’s it’s classed as discrimination.

Not everyone is able to answer their phone immediately. There are plenty of safe places to go while you wait for your mum to come and get you.

Most campuses have libraries that open late.

You need to learn some patience.” LuciPichu

Another User Comments:

“She was perfectly capable of lowering the sound on her phone. She’s also perfectly capable of increasing the sound on her phone.

This has nothing to do with not being able to grasp technology. She chose to reduce the volume of her ringtone.

Now, did she do this on the previous day and then forget? Understandable, honest mistake.

Still not great for you, and she could simply apologize, and maybe explore the vibrate function, and keep her phone in her pocket, or something, in the future.

Or did she do this when going out that night, knowing you’d be calling?

Expecting a specific phone call, from someone relying and waiting on you, and choosing to care more about how your phone ringing in public “doesn’t look good” to strangers rather than your daughter’s safety at night, is a pretty jerk thing to do.

NTJ” ReasonableFig2111

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here. Controlling parents or not, you’re a legal adult. Thinking your mom was irresponsible because she didn’t pick up her phone is a very childish way of thinking.

I understand you’re likely being blocked at every turn if you try to get a license, but if you want to get a license, then get a license. Generally, a lot of schools have free driving lessons, and if that isn’t offered at your school, then ask a friend to help.

You also could’ve called an Uber or gone into the library if you felt unsafe. You say it was dark but not what time it was… generally campus libraries are open fairly late.

Your parents suck because they clearly don’t take you seriously, and obviously being controlling isn’t good.

They could also put more effort into learning current technology instead of using their age as an excuse.” CallingNewo

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Beenthruit 1 year ago
NTJ but seriously?! You're 20 yo and let your parents dictate your life?! Don't drive?! Time to grow up and move on
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3. AITJ For Not Cooking For My Picky Eater Spouse?

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“I (28F) have been with my spouse (29M) for about 10 years, married nearly 6.

I grew up in a separate home with parents who loved to cook good, healthy food and, of course, passed this love to me. My spouse grew up in a very traditional southern home where his pickiness was catered to his family-cooked meals.

They knew he liked to make sure he was eating SOMETHING. After many years of this, his palette has developed into a very sugar, salt, butter, cheese, and red meat-heavy one, and he often gravitates towards processed fast foods.

Especially since we’ve been married, I’ve tried to keep us both healthy by making meals I grew up eating that were full of vegetables, grains, and lean meats. I am met with resistance almost every time I cook something unless it is one of his favorite dishes (of which there are maybe 5).

I’ve really resorted to letting him handle cooking lately because it seems like it’s the only time he’s satisfied with a meal, but as I mentioned above, he usually prefers heavier, less balanced meals than I do.

I want to be a good spouse and handle cooking since he works so hard, but it seems so pointless. I finally hit my breaking point today and decided that from this point forward, I am done cooking for the two of us.

I have tried and tried, but throwing away half of the healthy food I make is wasting food, time, and funds and is making me frustrated to the point of just giving up on my efforts altogether.

AITJ if I just cook healthy meals for myself and tell my spouse to find something to eat?

ETA: My younger brother used to be a picky eater! My mom would tell him to eat what she made or go hungry.

She set him up for success as he is no longer a picky eater! I fully intend to take this approach if my spouse and I ever have kids as well, which adds an additional AITJ: if I make my kids eat healthy balanced meals that I cook and they see their other parent won’t eat it, AITJ?

ETA2: My spouse loves to cook his select few favorite meals! I just get tired of them cycling over and over again with no variety or vegetables other than potatoes or corn.”

Another User Comments:

“Unless he makes any snarky comments about your food or whatever, then no jerks here. Just like it’s your choice to eat healthily, it’s his choice to eat fast food.

THAT BEING SAID.

You need to decide if this is a deal-breaker for you.

You can each make your own meals, but you must understand that later on in life his unhealthy eating habits may affect him, and he may come down with illnesses before you. Also, he might be a bad influence on your future children.

About your children, you are in no way a jerk for trying to get them to eat healthily. Occasional unhealthy but tasty indulgences are gonna be fine if not recommended (I’ve seen somewhere that people are more likely to develop allergies/intolerances to stuff that they are not exposed to in childhood, but I don’t remember the source so take this with a grain of salt) but make sure they don’t turn into rewards as your child will associate healthy food with punishment and unhealthy with rewards, that happened with me.” UnjustifiedLoL

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. Wanting to make people conform to your way of thinking is a jerk move. Why does it have to be just your way? Can’t you compromise with 4 days of your healthy cooking and 3 days of what he likes, or something like that?

He’s no more a picky eater than you are. He grew up eating totally different foods than what you did and he doesn’t care for what you like, just like you don’t like what he likes.

Maybe together go through a cookbook and find things you can compromise on.” ree1778

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here – Sounds like he wants to cook for himself, he still needs to learn to eat other things, but forcing him isn’t the right answer.

He also needs to understand that health is a big part of it. Also no, your mother was not ‘setting him up for success’ when she did that to your brother, that was a good way to make eating healthy foods seem like a chore.

I enjoy healthy foods because as a kid I was picky, and my mother had me try them with the intent of not having to eat them if I found them gross, hated the texture, etc. Your husband is an adult, he has to make adult choices, but kids shouldn’t have the old ‘eat it or be hungry’ method used on them, they need food to grow, even if it’s dino nuggets for the 5th time that day.” Waskomsause

-1 points (1 vote(s))
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Bruinsgirl143 1 year ago
First let me state right here before I say anything I'm your husband, meaning I'm a meat corn and potatoes gal lol ... I'm picky (texture issues) BUT I've been exploring new options as my fiance gets my texture issue and explains things to me that I've either never tried or been scared to try (who wants to waste money to just try foood its expensive? So IF he complains, he's a jerk he can obviously cook he can make his own sides at the very least ... I always ask if he wants something different or more of something I'm not a fan of, my theory is just because I'm picky doesn't mean he should have to be lol so IMO this is a lack of communication, you need to exlthat there's more to life than x y and z and he needs to be willing to try a b and c or explain why he won't try it., then come to a compromise on a meal you can both enjoy.
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2. AITJ For Taking The Online Subscription From My Wife's Nephew's Xbox?

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“My wife’s sister has been searching for a while to find her son the new Xbox series X. I told her I’d help find one since I’ve managed to snag 2 so far since its launch.

I did some investigating and found I could purchase one through Microsoft’s all-access program, but it cost more because it came with 2 years worth of their online game pass service, and you had to pay for the console and the subscription, but at least it was being sold at retail and not scalpers rates.

I called and told her I found one but because of how I bought it that it would be shipped to me since they wouldn’t allow me to have different billing and shipping addresses.

I told her that because of using their purchase program I technically had to finance the purchase but it had zero interest and that I’d pay the financing and all she had to do was repay me the cost of the console.

I got the delivery and found out that in order to redeem the 2-year subscription, you had to log into the new console and set it up. So I opened the console, updated it and set it up and redeemed the subscription then just deleted my account and put the console back in the box.

They paid me for the Xbox, and everything was good but I guess a packing slip inside the shipping box mentioned the 2 years of Xbox live game pass subscription, so she called wanting to know where that was at.

I told her I took the subscription and that it wasn’t free, but rather it had to be paid for, so she wasn’t missing anything because all she paid for was the console.

She started telling me I was stealing from her kid and that it was a jerk thing to do, taking his stuff. I tried to explain that the online subscription was paid for by me and it wasn’t free, and that if she wanted to she could just go to the store and buy 2 years’ worth of prepaid cards, and it would be the same thing, and that I only took the subscription because I didn’t think she would have wanted to pay for it since prepaying for 2 years is quite expensive.

Now she’s mad at me and told my wife’s family I stole from her kid.

Additional info: She only paid for the console, not the subscription, I didn’t think it would be okay to tell her she had to pay for both since she already said the console cost too much, to begin with, and I didn’t check with her before I ordered it this way.

Edit: At the time I opened the console and removed the subscription, I had not yet told her I obtained the system and she had not yet paid for it.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You helped her get a console, and upon getting that you also managed to get the 2-year subscription.

She had not asked for nor paid you for the subscription, and it was also not a part of the deal. Yes, you could’ve mentioned it and given her the option, but if she made the comment about the console being expensive, I’m sure she would’ve turned down the extra for the subscription.

I believe her son is the reason she is upset about the subscription because he found out you got it and would’ve liked it, and now that it isn’t an option for her to get it for him (the one you bought at least) it is now an issue.

You can offer to get her another 2-year subscription but let her know she would have to pay for that as you had to pay for the first one, and a secondary one won’t just be handed to her.

It didn’t come with the console. It was an extra expense.” glitzglamduck

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. You opened the item she paid for and used it so for that alone YTJ. But the woman probably looked into the Xbox beforehand and thought Live came with it since she is expecting to use it.

Isn’t Live an important part of Xbox? There was time to ask her, she’d either say yes she wanted it or say no and you can have it and the fact that you didn’t ask at all makes me think you knew there was the possibility she wanted it.

The comment that she was complaining it costs too much doesn’t work for me. Everyone complains things cost too much. If you really thought she’d say No then it was a win-win, you get to keep it and you asked and save yourself the drama.

Instead, you opened the box and took it.” Gigibean3

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. While you should have explained the whole situation to her when you told her you could purchase the system so she would understand from the beginning what the deal was, in no way are you required to provide her with the subscription unless she’s willing to pay for it.

Anyone who buys a gaming console understands that the games cost extra, they’re not included in the console price. If she’s not willing to pay, she doesn’t get to have the subscription.

YOU paid for it. It’s not hers, and wasn’t part of the gift.” Creatureteacher86150

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here – The part that makes you the jerk is the initial lack of communication about the subscription prior to purchasing, so you removed the opportunity for her to agree to make the full purchase and keep the subscription prior to purchasing.

Her reaction seems over the top for something she never paid for, nor was going to receive anyway. Can you not reinstate the account and give her the login info.? If you told her about the subscription and she agreed, you should have asked her for preferred login info.

to set up the account for her, or allowed her to set it up herself and reach out to you to troubleshoot. I would refrain from future console hunting for anyone else.” Jennabear82

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cali 1 year ago
Why didn't he just show her the receipt where he paid more???
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1. AITJ For Putting My Partner On A Payment Plan?

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“Me (28M) and Becca (27F) have been together about 2 years. She’s in the process of getting her CRNA (Certified Registered Nurse Anesthetist).

She works at a hospital in the meantime. I work in finance and have a pretty steady job that I like. We’ve lived together the past year and split things 50/50, along with having our own separate accounts.

During the global crisis, Becca lost a bunch of shifts and was having a hard time paying for school along with the bills. Her laptop broke and she couldn’t do school without it. She asked for help and I told her I didn’t like loaning funds out, but I knew she needed these things.

So I stepped up and paid for a new laptop, a few bills, and a couple of repairs she needed for her car. She knew this was a loan and she would need to pay it back.

I’m very fiscally organized and have little funds set up for things (vacation fund, going-out fund, golfing fund, etc). I decided to use my golf fund for this but explained to Becca that I planned on getting new clubs this year and needed to be paid back by the start of the golf season.

To establish a timeline, I paid for her things in august and was expecting to be paid by February as that was when golf season starts around here. It wasn’t an absurd amount, less than $1,500.

Well, she’s hardly paid anything back. At first, she made a couple of ‘payments’. But this would just be her giving me $15 and saying, ‘use this towards my debt.’ I started an excel sheet to track anything she gave me so I knew how much she still owed. She found this to be offensive saying it was like I was ‘babysitting’ her.

I said that it wasn’t to be rude but just to track it so there weren’t any arguments about it. I’ve sat her down multiple times to say that I needed to see some bigger more consistent payments being made because I needed to custom order my clubs and that takes months.

And that I couldn’t order my clubs until I knew I had enough in my fund to pay for them.

She kept saying that she understood and that she would make the payments. She made a few larger payments but is still a grand short.

What really ticks me off is Becca still goes out to eat all the time, goes shopping, and buys things for our house. But whenever I mention the debt she changes the subject saying ‘she’s working on it’.

I finally snapped last weekend and told Becca I’m putting her on a payment plan. That I would break down the rest of her debt into weekly payments and would Venmo request the amount every week till I’m paid back.

And that I would have to use another fund to pay for the clubs as I can’t wait any longer to order them. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“You’re not necessarily the jerk, But I think you should have a little bit more grace.

She’s obviously struggling a lot, and you’ve been together for a few years now. Part of the compromises we make when we are in partnerships is that some things are put on hold for a little while.

Your partner needed that computer so she could finish her studies to work towards her future goals. You do not need new golf clubs. I understand that you work hard for your funds and if you want to buy them for yourself sure, but it’s not going to hurt you to wait a couple more months because you bought your partner something she desperately needed. Try to gain some perspective here.” robiatortilla

Another User Comments:

“I think YTJ. It seems like you aren’t really in a partnership at the moment, and (intentionally or not) are using this as an opportunity to control your own desired outcome rather than learn how to work together toward something.

She doesn’t make as much as you, is working a stressful job during a worldwide health crisis with no end in sight, is in school, and needed help with unexpected bills and necessities.

You have multiple accounts for pleasure and decided to pick one that the funds had a time limit on, and you can’t readjust your own priorities?

That’s what a partnership is, readjusting and respecting – neither of which you are doing for the sake of the partnership. Additionally, you say you expected the payment by Feb, but here we are in Jan and now you say you need it sooner than Feb so you can order special clubs – so ultimately you’ve moved up the timeline, because… you’re frustrated by your own expectations not being met?

This is going to be a pivotal moment in your relationship that will set the tone, for better or worse. Take some time now to consider what kind of relationship you want. And maybe try to have a conversation with your partner and LISTEN to her – to her needs, her perspective, her intentions, her capabilities, and be willing to adjust your own needs, perspective, intentions, and capabilities so that you can grow together.” IsThatANewPlant

Another User Comments:

“NTJ but this whole situation sucks but also serves as a trial for your relationship and both of you should evaluate this to decide if you want to move forward.

Both of you don’t spend and save funds in the same way, so if you plan to make her your wife at some point you should have these conversations about financial expectations now and figure out a way to meet in the middle before things get worse.

You have every right to be upset about not being paid back, but is it worth fighting this hard about it? You may have loaned her the funds, but you invested in her by helping her pay for school.

You’re in a relationship, so success for one of you is success for both of you. If she gets her degree and a better job, this makes both of your lives better; that’s what investing in each other does.

New golf clubs don’t really have the same effect.” phoenix_spirit

Another User Comments:

“YTJ

I actually had to sit for a second and think why your post rubbed me the wrong way.

You are basically using her to subsidize your lifestyle.

It’s not you’re necessarily wrong that she needs to pay back, it was a loan and she agreed to it. I just see the situation, overall, as unfair and unequal. You guys don’t seem to be truly working to build something together, help each other when you’re down.

Yes, a loan is ‘nice’ but it’s an ‘immediate’ return, it’s not the give and take I’d expect to see in a committed relationship.

You guys have been living together for a year. Moving in together is usually the next step in planning your lives together.

But instead of being a partnership and splitting things the most economically equal way, you do just a flat 50/50, without thought or care to the burden on her. She’s splitting bills with you 50/50 while going to school and working.

You have a career in finance. And because of your arrangement with Becca, you’re able to split the funds into several different pots just to splurge and have fun, while she’s struggling to pay bills or replace a much-needed laptop.

It’s the fact that after you realized just how close she was to financial strain you never even once thought to sit down with her and reevaluate how you guys split things financially or even just say, hey, you needed those things, don’t worry about paying me back, I love you, it says a lot about how you see her and your relationship with her.

She’s there to help facilitate your fun, nothing more.

You’re not looking at the bigger picture. You’re not looking to build a life with her. You are for the here and now and that’s why you were so uncomfortable loaning her funds, to begin with.

You’re sitting over there building resentment, begrudging her whatever small splurges she has while she is most likely doing the same if I’m being honest. Upset you are hounding her for this while the finances as they stand are unfair.

You are building pots of savings while she struggles “paycheck to paycheck”. I just can’t imagine living with someone and wanting to see them deprive themselves of small pleasures and see them struggle. That’s not love to me.

IF you love her and see a future with her, you guys need to rework your household finances so it is fair to both if you and you both have a ‘similar’ financial strain, this does not necessarily include her education cost as that should be hers to pay, but it would go above and beyond if you did.

IF you don’t, sit down with her, get her to pay you back, and let each other go. You’re only breeding resentment and borderline toxicity at this point. No need to let it get worse.” Aiakya

-2 points - Liked by suna
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Beads1912 1 year ago
I %100 support couples even married ones keeping their finances separate!! You lent her money and she's hoping you will just forget about it and let her off Scott free. She agreed to pay you back and you gave her a timeline she isn't sticking to her end of the bargain
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