People Request Our Verdict In Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories

It seems harder to pretend to be a lovely person than to pretend to be a jerk, so when you meet someone whose acts and personality appear staged, it's simple to assume that they're simply acting nice when they're really jerks. But if we are the ones being labeled jerks, and we know that our intentions have always been good and sincere, it might be difficult to accept their criticism. Here are some stories from individuals who are reluctant to acknowledge their past misdeeds. Continue reading and tell us who you believe to be the true jerk. AITJ = Am I the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk WIBTJ = Would I be the jerk? YTJ = You're the jerk

20. AITJ For Talking To My Old Friend?


“My old friend got smashed one night and started talking elusive trash about my (now ex) partner. It resulted in some drama, and my ex had me cut contact. After breaking up with my partner, I reached out briefly after mutual friends encouraged it.

We talked briefly over voice (Discord), and that was it.

So I’m a little torn. I (33F) recently broke up with my long-distance partner (30M). He had some rules/regulations that I followed, but I didn’t think were necessary to follow after the breakup.

The breakup was cordial, and we wanted to remain friends. Later that same night, I was playing an online game and streaming it (a game all of us play and met on) and the old friend came in and said hey.

We talked while I gamed, and he eventually went to do his own thing. Later while gaming, my ex was having a bit of a breakdown (not over the breakup). I was as supportive and there for him as I possibly could, and even had him semi-convinced to come to visit me since he lives alone and has a very small/weak support system.

I thought his being alone wasn’t a good thing, and he was going to look into flights the following morning.

After he calmed down though after I was done gaming, he asked if I was in contact with my old friend.

I replied yes, I reached out earlier. This immediately set off my ex, despite me explaining nothing happened, why I did it, etc. He demanded screenshots of our ‘conversation’, insulted me, challenged my morals/character, etc.

Basically said that he can’t be friends with someone who doesn’t prioritize/value him. And that by reaching out I was picking that friend over him. That those rules/regulations I had in the relationship should still apply.

Throughout this, he removed me from his friend lists and wiped any trace of me from his life digitally; with no hesitation.

In the end, I managed to (once again) kinda calm him down. He went to bed and I had my own meltdown with zero support.

He didn’t apologize or acknowledge that what he said was wrong or hurtful. I ended up writing him a note about the incident and ended up blocking him shortly after. I know he’s going through a rough time, but I’ve neglected myself to make him feel so special and loved.

I can’t ask my friends because they all hate him (long story; he could sneeze and they’d riot).


Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m guessing your friends hate him because he’s a control freak. I’m also guessing the rules and regulations are only for you to follow.

Listen to your friends. Stay blocked from him. I guarantee you in a couple of months you’ll be wondering whatever you saw in him.” nellyswill

Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you respected his ‘demands’ while y’all were together (which sucks when people put you in that situation).

Y’all aren’t together anymore so it doesn’t matter who you are friends with. You weren’t choosing one over the other. He’s got serious issues and it’s probably best to cut him out of your life.” Pink_Comedian

Another User Comments:

He’s your EX partner. He doesn’t get a say in who you’re friends with now. You don’t have to follow his rules or choose your friends based on who he thinks you should be friends with.

The fact that all your friends hate him should be a flag too. Leave him in the dust and let him sort his own life out.” Detached09

7 points - Liked by BJ, NeidaRatz, pamlovesbooks918 and 4 more

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cabr4 1 year ago
I am on the fence here. Do you hear yourself? You cut contact with one friend because he said so and the rest don't like him they would riot if he sneezed, no sorry they dislike him for a reason hun. Throw him away with yesterdays bath water, he is no good for you.
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19. AITJ For Arguing With My Parents About Financially Supporting My Brother?


“I (23f) have a brother (17) who recently became vegan. For him it’s an ethical thing, he likes animals and feels bad about eating them. I think that’s fine and want to help him out since he’s a pretty good kid and I get along with him.

Our parents don’t agree and are of a mindset that he needs to just eat what they eat out of ‘respect.’ To me that makes no sense and they’ve never been able to explain it in a way that doesn’t sound controlling.

My brother is still in school and doesn’t have a job yet so I’ve offered to give him a small budget to help him pay for his own food in exchange for him doing some of my chores (I work 60 hours a week and have an hour-long drive to my job so I have very little energy left for cooking, cleaning and laundry).

He agreed.

When our parents found out that I was giving him the money, they got upset and said I had no right to defy them, he has to eat what the family eats because they said so.

Here’s where I could be the jerk. I gave him the money anyway When our parents confronted me, I threw it in their face that I was the one who’d been taking care of him and the little kids this whole time.

That I was the one doing all the cooking and cleaning for them. I flat-out threatened to stop driving my mom (who is a housewife with no license) anywhere until they backed off.

My car is one thing I have over them, they need me to drive mom and the kids.

They also can’t take my car from me, I bought it and have the registration in my name only. It’s pretty extreme to blackmail them with my car but I’m fed up with them imposing bs rules that are clearly more about power than practicality.

Things have been really tense around here lately because now that I’m an adult with a car and money, they can’t control me as easily as they used to and I feel like they’re panicking and trying to tighten their grip on my brother before he gets too independent for them to ‘keep him in line’ and I know that by giving him the money, I’m making it harder for them to enforce their rules on him.

The rest of the family is split, some of them are on my side, some think I’m ungrateful and my parents deserve a better daughter. I’m not confident enough to know who’s actually right.

Maybe I’m a jerk and a trashy daughter, more so because I can’t manifest the energy to even care that my family resents me. I probably won’t even keep in touch with them. I hate myself for feeling like this.

I hate causing so much upheaval but at the moment, it feels good to lord something over them and revel in how powerless they are to stop me. I feel like this makes me a jerk because there’s always the option to play nice to keep the peace.

But I can never find the strength to resist giving them a taste of their own medicine. Of course, I can’t even keep that up, I eventually just drive off somewhere to cry like a little baby because I’m actually pathetic and once the rage dies down my courage goes with it.


Another User Comments:
“NTJ. maybe I’m just a passive-aggressive midwesterner, but I’d text them an article about how food restriction and the ‘clean your plate’ mindset (because that sounds very similar to this situation) can be incredibly damaging to a child.” blightningbo

Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you actually have proper authority OVER your parents, and while I hope your brother doesn’t turn into one of the stereotypical vegans that everyone talks about (throwing away meat, shaming someone for being a carnivore, etc), his diet is his choice at the end of the day, and it’s not coming out of your parents pocket, you’re handling it yourself because they won’t.

Please, keep doing what you’re doing.” User

6 points - Liked by NeidaRatz, lebe, leja2 and 3 more

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corgigirl 9 months ago
NTJ but at 23, you need to get your own place and stop living at home with mommy and daddy. Your brother is 17 and he will be able to move out soon, maybe you can get a place together, he can get at least a part time job to help with rent. You do not need to be working so many hours and still doing the cooking, cleaning, laundry and taking care of your younger siblings. Take control of your own life. Go very low to no contact at first and see if they come around. Don't take any crap from them. You are an adult.
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18. AITJ For Helping My Little Sister With Her Period?


“I (15f) started my period 2 years ago. When it happened, my mom said very little about it and gave me a box of tampons which I still have never opened. I had to get pads from my guidance counselor the next day because I was too embarrassed to ask my mom about it.

I’ve since learned a lot about how bad America’s public schools are with puberty and that kind of stuff, I had to learn about a lot through the internet and even convinced my friend that her cramps making her cry meant something really bad could be happening and she needed to tell her parents and she ended up having ovarian cysts.

Because of all that I went to my now-12 sister ‘May’ a while ago and explained everything about menstruating so she would know. I even gave her some pads to keep in a pencil case in her backpack because she was worried about it happening at school.

Recently she told me it happened after she got back from a sleepover with her friends. She had her backpack because they went straight from school and she was almost proud she was ready lol.

And it did make me feel like a good big sister to have helped her.

When I asked my mom the next day to buy more pads when she was at the store since we’d be going through them faster because May was using them now, she looked totally in shock.

She asked me how I knew and I told her I gave her stuff and told her a long time ago how it would happen so that’s probably why she told me. I kinda thought she’d be happy I’d dealt with it.

She said the first time you get your period marked an important point in a girl’s life and it’s important for it to be a bonding moment for her and a mother. I kind of laughed and joked that at least with me helping May actually learn what menstruation was.

My mom made a face and said that I’ve never been very ‘girly’, so I wouldn’t understand and it’s just different with May. I am a tomboy and I think it disappoints my mom a lot as I turn her down for things like getting our nails done or am disinterested in talking about stuff like dresses but my mom also said I shouldn’t have said anything and I wouldn’t understand because I’m not a mother, I shouldn’t act like May’s mother and it hurt her to have this taken from her.

My mom missed my point that this would have never happened if I wasn’t worried about May not knowing what to do. But maybe she would have done a better job since it wouldn’t be awkward to talk about with someone girlier.

If not knowing the second your kid starts their period is a big deal I just don’t get and you guys think I’m the jerk, I’ll apologize.”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. your mom totally wasn’t there for you when you had your period, didn’t treat it like a special bonding moment —essentially, by not caring, she taught you that it was unimportant.

Also, was your mom planning to explain menstruation to her AFTER she had her period? From one girl to another, you did the right thing by having her hang on to those pads and teaching her how to use them.

You totally saved her from embarrassing herself in front of her friends, and also probably saved whatever pants she was wearing. The fact your mom didn’t talk to her about periods beforehand shows you’re a lot more competent when it comes to this issue.

I get that she feels like something was taken from her, but at the end of the day this is your SISTER’S moment, not hers, and your sister’s wellbeing is what’s most important. A major red flag that your mom made your sister’s first period all about herself…” blightningbo

Another User Comments:

I just took a course on adolescent psychology and you just saved your younger sister a lot of negative outcomes.

You were right to step in and prepare your sister beforehand and explain how everything works without negative connotations.

You would not believe the negative impact that comes from people experiencing periods and not being taught properly about them. Seriously, it’s got long-term consequences.

Your mom can suck on a lemon, you just did a wonderful thing.

Also, the whole mom-daughter period bonding thing… yeah, that’s more of a thing of the past. People who will experience periods will learn about them from other sources like friends, other families, the internet, media, etc.

When it comes to health like this, it’s fair game for everyone to speak about and educate others.

I got really lucky, my mom is a doctor and spoke about it with me in a very medical way before I got it lol.

But then a few weeks after our talk, my school educated us about menstruation for all kids (not just girls). I’m lucky to live in a district that informs children of their own health and bodies.

Not everyone is lucky to live in places like that, but it looks like we can be lucky to have wonderful people like you to step in and make up for that lack.” sqquishy79

Another User Comments:

You’re the big sister she needs, and keep looking out for her and telling her about milestones. I could also see your mother neglecting to mention some of the finer points about education as well, amongst other things.

Your mother’s behavior is not right, saying it’s different with you because you’re not as girly as your sister. That’s nonsense. She’s choosing not to know your interests and suggesting things that are only of interest to her.

Instead of being rightfully appreciative of your support, she gets defensive about something she was never going to discuss.

From one tomboy to another, your path is ‘different’ from what your mom or others may want, but that’s because you walk your own path.

The tomboy women I’m friends with are engineers of next-generation spaceships, travel the world creating medical devices, and save the lives of premature infants. You’re resourceful, can get information on the internet and you’re proactive. Don’t internalize what your mother says, keep going on your own path, and I have no doubt you will do well.” swissmissmaybe

6 points - Liked by pamlovesbooks918, lebe, leja2 and 3 more

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rbleah 1 year ago
NTJ Being a tomboy has NOTHING to do with girls starting their periods. Your mom let you down so how could you believe she wouldn't do the same with sis? You go girl. Mom needs to check herself.
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17. AITJ For Criticizing My Partner?


“I’m 27, as is my partner. What we clash on the most is that whereas she, aesthetically, wants to be accepted by all, my viewpoint is, that I care what my family thinks, what my friends think, and what my boss thinks, other than that, I don’t care.

This has unfortunately been an issue for us since we met and it boiled over for us when we went out for date night. She decided to wear this fancy white dress, whereas I wore jeans, a plain white t-shirt, and a sweater.

She was very upset at what I chose to wear, she told me that ‘people’ think I look ‘goofy’. Keep in mind, that this wasn’t a birthday outing or any celebration. I, sick of hearing about this, asked my girl if I should start taking a poll of those around us at the restaurant so that I could identify the people who thought I looked goofy.

She caved, I took the opportunity to tell her that what I think she could work on, is not being so high-strung and not putting so much importance on the silent opinions of complete strangers.

My advice to her was to stop worrying about these silent opinions and to stop letting random strangers control her decisions. She now views me as the jerk.


Another User Comments:
“Maybe you’re not the jerk for not caring as much as your partner about what people think, but the tone of this is pretty unpleasant so YTJ.

Firstly she put effort into looking nice which is also nice for you, and you didn’t. Just because it’s not a special occasion doesn’t mean you can’t try a little for date night, especially if that’s meaningful to her.

Then after you argue with her, ‘she caved and I took the opportunity to tell her what I think she could work on’ which just sounds jerky. She’d dropped it, you carried it on and it wasn’t a small critique like ‘you could’ve made more effort’, it was ‘fundamentally you should be more like me and care less about things’.

I don’t think that was kind or productive.

In the end, it sounds like you’re incompatible, I don’t really get the sense you like your partner that much.” InterwebHero20

Another User Comments:
“NTJ… because I agree with your mentality, and I think she’d be a lot happier if she stopped caring about what strangers think.

But also, as a woman, I’d ask you to be understanding of the fact that oftentimes we are raised in a way where we get punished for not dressing ‘appropriately’ and we are under a lot more pressure to be ‘proper’ than men are.

If we aren’t ‘ladylike’, some people are okay with it, but others get disgusted, and that’s never a good feeling. In contrast, as a dude, you’ve probably been encouraged (maybe even pressured) to be confident and assertive and not put much stock into other people’s opinions.

I don’t think she’s high-strung—I think you guys are just having a critical misunderstanding because the way you’ve been raised is very different. Maybe try having a conversation with her. Try to see it from her point of view—and then explain how, while you understand her feelings, you have a different point of view and you only want her to feel confident and not torture herself over other people’s opinions.

Wishing the best for you guys.” blightningbo

Another User Comments:
“YTJ, your partner is upset because you obviously really do care what strangers think of your appearance. You choose to have an attractive partner who clocks the hours to maintain this modality.

You choose to believe you are flouting social convention by not dressing to communicate your desire to attract your partner. This is incorrect.

You look goofy because you look like someone who lacks the social understanding to attract a true mate for true companionship.

You look goofy because you appear to care more about strangers thinking you don’t care than a potential life partner. This makes you both look desperate, lonely, and yes even goofy.

Not the end of the world but stop wasting her time with your miserly antics, there are bots out there designed by men like you for men like you and they can give you what you choose to believe you need without involving another human soul.

This relationship appears a goof, no big deal.” ImaginaryVegetable24

Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Definitely shouldn’t have called her high-strung for just wanting to have a nice night. I think she was expecting you to dress up and look nice for HER, not for the randos at the restaurant my dude. she wants you to put in the effort for her, for yourself, not for other people.” coladiecola

6 points - Liked by BJ, pamlovesbooks918, lebe and 3 more

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aepa 1 year ago
Ytj, you make a point to care what your family, friends, and boss think. But not about what she thinks. Im sure she wanted you to dress up for her. And a date night where you both deserved to get away from daily life and just feel better about yourselves because you've dressed better often times is just what's needed to break things up. Furthermore, it probably felt like you take her for granted and don't care to put effort in for her anymore. I'm sure you would be ok of she let herself dress down amongst yourselves, but if it was a dinner or with your family/ your boss, you wouldn't hope the same. So you care about what others think as well. Just not what your partner thinks. Ytjk dude.
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16. AITJ For Not Wanting To Name My Son After My Late Brother-In-Law?


“Myself (28m) and my wife (26m) have been together for 10 years and married for 4 of those. My wife is pregnant with our first child, a boy, and she is due in early July.

Now onto the issue that have arisen.

My wife wants to name our son after her brother, who passed a little over a year ago. Her brother, whom we’ll call him T, was her only sibling and they were very close growing up, as they were only 2 years apart.

However, her brother was not the most pleasant person. Her brother was an addict starting from age 14-15, he stole from everyone around him including myself and my wife, he was abusive to all of his partners and his child, and he served several years behind bars.

T was also abusive to my wife, and her parents. He had a stay-away order from our home because he broke in while we were away and stole our TV, my wife’s jewelry box, and one of my hunting rifles.

T passed last year in April, and it affected my wife very deeply. It was the first major loss she has suffered, and she still attends therapy to help cope.

When we found out we were having a boy, she immediately wanted the name to be T’s name.

I heavily disagreed, and I have offered many replacements, and other family names like her father or grandfathers, but she will not budge. She wants our son to have the exact same name as her brother, first and middle.

She has even gone as far as to say that if we name him something else she will have it changed, or only call him by T.

My final straw was when my wife ordered a blanket with T’s name sewn into it for our son.

I blew up, and I told her I was not naming our child after an addict who took advantage of everyone around him. My wife blew up at me, screamed at me to leave, and threatened to call the police if I didn’t, she called me a piece of work for talking about her dead brother like he was trash.

I did leave, I told her I would attempt to speak to her again about this once we had both calmed down, and I apologized for speaking about T in a negative way. I’m getting calls nonstop from her family, calling me names for speaking about T and not wanting to honor him by naming our son after him.

My family is on my side, her family is on her side, and my friends are split on the matter.

So, strangers on the internet, I need your opinion on if I am indeed a massive jerk for not wanting this name for our child?”

Another User Comments:
“This was really tough, but no jerks here.

Look, I most definitely get your resentment about naming your kid after an awful person. But I also get the headspace your wife is in. I lost my dad in May 2020 in the same way and the grieving process had been so weird.

It’s so hard to grieve someone that you’ve resented for a large part of your life. I used to forget my dad’s birthday all the time because it wasn’t a big deal to me.

When I forgot it this year because of my crazy schedule, I cried the entire weekend after.

Now, I personally would still never name my kid after my dad, but I also know that everyone grieves differently and this is probably really hard on your wife.

I think therapy (couples and individuals) is a great place to start on this. If she hasn’t been talking to someone already, she definitely needs to because the way she’s behaving now is unhealthy, and can definitely get worse.

I’m sorry you both are going through this and I wish you the best of luck.” witchy-lesbian

Another User Comments:

Your child is a person, not a billboard to advertise your wife’s grief.

And when your child gets older and finds out the true character of the person he was named after, he will likely have a serious problem with it or wonder what expectations your wife has of him.

Let alone mention the burden of being constantly compared to your wife’s deceased brother and used as an emotional support animal to replace their loss. Your wife doesn’t realize how abusive this decision could be.

Tell her, repeatedly.

Children’s names are a two yes, one no scenario. Your wife is not the only parent and does not get to behave like this. Let her calm down for a day or so, then address the matter again.

Where I live, the name must be agreed upon by everyone whose name is on the birth certificate – ie BOTH parents.

If she will absolutely not compromise, I would worry about the future of a marriage where you are treated like a second-class citizen.

You don’t want that for you, or for your son to see as his primary role model of relationships.” Accomplished-Cheek59

Another User Comments:
“I’ve got some unique insights into this because my kids have names honoring loved ones I lost in early adulthood.

I would have been really hurt if my husband had been resistant to the idea.

But here’s the difference: my lost loved ones were wonderful people. My grief was not complicated by ‘what ifs’ or guilt.

Your wife’s grief is complicated because her relationship with her brother was complicated.

On some level, she may hope to redeem him by raising someone with that name and hopefully seeing them thrive in life.

Honestly, there’s no resolution here without counseling. Grief counseling for her, and couples counseling for you both. I can tell you that without those supports following my losses, my marriage would never have worked.

But it has, and I am so grateful for that.

I’m wishing you healing and good luck.

No jerks here.” SuzieQbert

Another User Comments:

There are obviously some complicated feelings there for her and bear in mind too that she and her family will have memories of and feelings about him from before his addiction that you do not have and don’t understand.

You both blew up, which isn’t great, but your reasoning is obviously the more sound, and it’s entirely unreasonable of her to try to insist on the kid’s name unilaterally regardless of the background of the name.

She’s clearly not doing well processing her grief right now, and all you can do about that is to keep trying to support her and encourage her to keep on with therapy.

Anyway, aside from the fight and the obvious reasons you don’t want to give your child the brother’s name: imagine how your son will feel in twenty-ish years.

He will know who he’s named after, and he’ll eventually learn what the guy did and what he was like. How will your son feel knowing that’s his namesake? Won’t he wonder why his mother gave him the name of someone terrible to his family? Won’t he feel a bit awful about that?

Ask your wife to consider your son and his future feelings, maybe that will move the focus from her grief and your conflict.” Left-Car6520

4 points - Liked by DeeDeeMarie81, lebe, leja2 and 1 more

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MamaD63 1 year ago
I read the update. They talked things over, got counseling, agreed on a name they both liked..........then had a GIRL!!!!!
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15. AITJ For Walking Out On My Partner?


“I’ve been with my partner for almost 20 years we live in a small studio to save funds so we can buy a house. About a month ago, a friend of his from work calls and says I just got thrown out of my place to live, can you help me?

My partner felt a sense of (I guess) fatherly feelings towards this girl because he’s like 54 and she’s 18.

We felt bad for her and took her in. Now when she first came there we tried to find her a hotel room but we couldn’t find a cheap one to put her up in for a couple of nights so she ended up coming to our house and sleeping on the floor cuz there was there’s no room it’s a studio.

I had assumed that because she was working she could find a place pretty quickly and she’d only be in our house for 2 to 3 weeks. It has now been a month of dealing with her and let me tell you she’s not the type of 18-year-old you would think.

She has an incontinence problem so she likes to pee on the bed and doesn’t clean up after herself. When she does she will go into the kitchen and eat food and not clean up after herself she uses my stuff mainly my perfumes and my facial cleaners and stuff like that and doesn’t offer to replace it after she uses it.

She’s got two jobs and she’s got a lot of money now so she can basically move in anywhere but refuses to do so every time we come up with an apartment for her she finds some reason why she doesn’t like it.

So about a week ago, I got tired of this and I left and moved back in with my mother and told my partner that until she is gone I’m not coming back. He was understanding but at the same time mad because I just kind of bailed on the whole situation but I feel like it’s his responsibility.

Because it’s his friend and not my kid and he brought her to the house in the first place. I didn’t even want her there, there’s no room for her so you can imagine three people living in a studio.

It gets kind of cramped. I had had enough and left.

To this day he’s still trying to get her out trying to find her a place to live and she comes up with all these excuses why she can’t and she doesn’t have a car.

She just got her learner’s permit and we have to drive her around to her jobs.

She won’t take the bus even after we got her a bus pass so she would take the bus.

So she took the bus for like 2 days and then complained about it she wants my partner to buy her car and not pay for it.

And I feel like a jerk for bailing on the whole situation but I couldn’t do it anymore am not her mom and I wasn’t going to pretend to be.

I feel like the whole situation got forced on me and the real reason I left was that they started using my stuff and weren’t even asking me they took my car so he could teach her how to drive and didn’t even bother to ask me if they could use my truck and I didn’t think that was right.

And that’s why I left she was using my perfumes and everything it wasn’t bothering to replace it I had had enough but now I feel bad for leaving.”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you are either shockingly naive or wilfully ignorant.

Under no circumstances is it normal for a 54-year-old man to move an 18-year-old girl into his apartment. You’ve allowed your partner to move in as your replacement and now she’s making herself at home helping herself to your things.

Something he’s probably given her permission to do. Also, I’m surprised no one has mentioned bed wetting at that age can be a sign of abuse. This whole thing is super SKETCHY.” Confident_Profit_210

Another User Comments:

That’s very irresponsible of him even if he means well. He didn’t even ask you if you were alright with the situation and you are right, You are not her Mom. She is 18, she is old enough to move out and get her own place.

This situation is ridiculous!” Triplicated

Another User Comments:
“NTJ for walking out, but YWBTJ to yourself if you go back. Especially if you still plan to buy a house with him after this or trust him to respect your wishes and boundaries.

You deserve better than the way he’s treating you.

He already proved he has no problem letting, no, CAUSING you to be driven from your home by putting some random spoiled chick’s wants ahead of your needs, just so he can satisfy some guilt-ridden mid-life crisis urge to rescue a poor helpless little sugar baby (the girl needs diapers, for Pete’s sake!).

And on top of that he’s asking you to come back when he hasn’t broken up with her, I mean, kicked her out yet, expecting you to be the one to give in and come crawling back while she’s still living in your home.

This is not a man you can trust to have your back ever again.” FineSomewhere4352

4 points - Liked by lebe, leja2, HumanLifeGiver and 1 more

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Squidmom 1 year ago
She needs to go. She sounds like his gf. Sorry but no female is moving in idgaf how old she is. And how tf does she just pee herself. Tell hubby she leaves now or you want a divorce. Make sire your name is off of everything.
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14. AITJ For Refusing To Buss A Table?


“I (24f) work in fine dining as a host. I am new and usually do exactly as I am told. Our area has some diversity but is semi-wealthy and as such, there is a lot of privilege in the community.

Last night, I was talking to the bartender (f20s) about liquor – she is phenomenal yet often gets the short end. I.e. given 2 tables while a new hire gets 7+. People are short with her.

She gets large tips and many customers compliment her. She is also the only person of contact in the front of the house.

One of the servers (f40s) who is nice but has a temper tells me to buss a table.

I said okay, soon. She starts yelling at the bartender that I need to buss it NOW without addressing me. I tell her that I chose to talk to her and not take it out on her.

The bartender said the server continued to berate her after I left. The server is NOT a manager.

At the table, it’s the partner of a cook and two kids. Full plates and clearly did not want me to take their food.

This has happened before with the same server; I don’t mind being asked to check tables but felt this was a control tactic.

The night is drama free until closing. There are few customers and we are tasting wine.

The server tells me to leave the tasting which included the entire front of the house and buss a table. I say okay, I will when the tasting is done. She tells me again to leave and I say no.

She leaves, grabs dishes comes back and tells me to finish. I again say no. She says I’m not paid to sell wine and I am failing to do my job.

I say that I was included in this on purpose.

I wasn’t the only support staff, and not to single me out. The entire front of the house is standing with us. My general manager (M40) poured wine for me as she was berating me, giving me 0 indications that my behavior was unacceptable.

Later when I left the bathroom, the server is telling others she was ‘flabbergasted but (she) knows what team everyone is on.’ I ignore it and keep working until I and the other host go home.

The morning goes okay. The server comes in at 3 and says hi. My general manager comes in around when I clock off. When leaving GM pulls me into the Private Dining Room to chat.

He says we prioritize guests and that I need to listen to her. I explain what happened with the bartender and that it felt underhanded. I never say no to servers, but she can be heavy-handed and aggressive.

I also say that bartender is treated unfairly. He says that others have issues with bartenders for ‘reasons’ and she isn’t qualified to teach. I said that it’s happened multiple times and the table did not want help, and when told I was the only support I said the other host was there.

He told me I’m combative and ended the conversation. I thank him for the chat and left promptly.

No one that night indicated I was wrong; if I was, I think they should have told me during the confrontation.

I shouldn’t have talked back to my GM but I don’t get why this wasn’t addressed on the spot. I’m a quiet person and hardly speak, let alone argue.


Another User Comments:
“Honestly there’s too much to unpack here but I guess it can be summed up in one sentence: There are some toxic dynamics going on in that team and that server sounds like she’s the one putting them in motion.

Many teams have those and many managers like to believe they can control it by leaving it be/ catering to the toxic people but it’s a slow poison. I mean a server yelling around in a high-end establishment? That’s fishy…

So NTJ. I don’t exactly see how you refused to buss a table. You did what she asked for (unnecessarily) and she used some weird powerplay on both you and the bartender and again later in attendance of your manager.

I’d stay away from this person as much as you can, I feel like your assessment is correct. She’s what’s called a ‘secret boss’ in team dynamics and that doesn’t describe a person actually being a leader and doing what’s necessary but someone who’s bossing people around and inciting a bad atmosphere.

If your manager thinks he can put a lid on that forever by keeping her happy he is mistaken…” rusalkamaya

Another User Comments:

That server appears to be discriminating, and her behavior and comments support that.

Talk to the bartender, and make sure the two of you have a backup plan (another job and possibly filing complaints with appropriate government agencies) in the event the unstable people you work with decide to retaliate.” NeverStill77

Another User Comments:

So the restaurant has 2 hosts and no bussers? Why would the server keep commanding the bartender to tell you to bus a table? Where are the managers in all of this? If they’re not stopping behavior like this (possibly race-based bullying) then you might want to get out, especially given that the GM isn’t a good one.” Cli4ordtheBRD

4 points - Liked by DeeDeeMarie81, lebe, ankn and 1 more

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Bruinsgirl143 9 months ago
Ntj but I'd look for a new job that place os toxic from top to bottom. It will not get better just worse for your sanity leave pr u pull continuously be blamed. Or get the handbook and go malicious compliance ever single time
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13. AITJ For Expecting My Wife To Shave Her Head?


“I (34M) and my wife (32F) found out sadly our daughter has cancer. We found out a couple of weeks ago when the doctors found a tumor in her. Now we started chemotherapy. She has to cut her hair and she doesn’t want to cut her hair so to encourage her, I and my son (15M) both shaved our heads in support and we expect my wife to do the same.

When I asked her when is she going to cut her hair she told me I’m a jerk for suggesting she cut her hair in support of our daughter because it will make her looks go away and it will make her look like a man so AITJ for suggesting my wife cut her hair?

Updated: just to clarify I never demanded anything I only suggested she shave off her head

Updated 2: I and my wife are sleeping in separate rooms because I called her the jerk for not wanting to support my daughter.”

Another User Comments:

I’m very sorry that your daughter and family are going through this.

You are the jerk because you are trying to force your wife to cut her hair and she doesn’t want to. There are many ways to support your daughter.

This is not the only way.

Leave your wife alone and focus on giving your daughter what she needs to get better. I guarantee you that feuding parents is not going to help her at all.

Stop being selfish.” IceQueenTigerMumma

Another User Comments:
“YTJ – your daughter is scared and grieving, not just her hair but all the changes in her life that cancer is forcing on her. The kindest thing you and your son could have done was listen to her and let her grieve and let her come to cut her hair in her own time without pressure.

You are not ‘encouraging’ her, you are bullying her by denying her the space she needs to come to accept this needs to happen by trying to force her on YOUR timeline.

YTJ – did you ask your daughter if she wanted you and her brother to shave your heads?

YTJ – you said you decided to shave your heads.

Did you even bother to ASK your daughter how you could support her? Maybe seeing your shaved heads reminds her of her hair loss.

YTJ – you have no right to call someone a jerk for not wanting to shave her hair off.

YTJ – how about you put your daughter first and let her decide what type of support she wants?

Chemo is rough, it destroys the appetite and your energy. You could be putting all that energy you are using to harass your wife into researching ways to make your daughter’s treatment easier.

Look up foods and recipes that would be tasty and easy for her to eat, and find shows and games things to distract her. Listen to your daughter and what she needs from you.

And get down on your knees and grovel to your wife in apology.” Artneedsmorefloof

Another User Comments:
“YTJ to your wife and daughter.

Shaving your head to show solidarity with a cancer sufferer is an Internet meme that got out of control.

It is totally unnecessary and likely to cause more harm than good.

Your child doesn’t want to see a constant external reminder of her situation. She probably wants as much normality and consistency as possible as this will give her comfort and allow her more moments to forget the struggle she’s going through.

Let your hair grow back and don’t pressure others to shave theirs.” ChortleHound

4 points - Liked by pamlovesbooks918, lebe, leja2 and 1 more

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rbleah 1 year ago
Not only are THE JERK you are also AN ASS. Did you even TALK to your daughter, ask HER OPINION? I didn't think so. SO why do you say YOUR DAUGHTER? Is this not your wifes daugher also? You are a prick.
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12. AITJ For Saying My Sister-In-Law Is Hateful?


“My SIL uses a Question/Answer site called Quora to share her opinions over stuff. She is very much into the British Royal Family and often makes her distaste for Meghan Markle known.

She recently wrote a long Quora essay on why she dislikes Meghan and shared it in our WhatsApp family group.

I didn’t bother to read it because I’m not at all interested in all this drama, but then SIL sent me a personal message to ask how the essay was. So I read it, and oh god, it was an extremely obnoxious essay with clear undertones of unethical remarks, not to mention falsehoods and stupid conspiracy theories.

She wrote about how she ‘manipulated Prince Harry’ by ‘acting like Princess Diana’, how she always drags him around like a show-dog, how she used to be a ‘yacht girl’, and how she ‘tried very hard to look caucasian’, how she used a surrogate for her children and faked her pregnancies, how she is a narcissist and so on.

I was really appalled (also, the essay got about a thousand votes, I can’t imagine how hateful people must be for that), so instead of going all ‘oh, nice essay!’ like I had originally intended to, I told her that some rumors didn’t make sense and surely Meghan Markle can’t be that bad?

To this SIL got all riled up and messaged me in a very defensive way, saying everyone knows how awful Meghan is and she just painted the truth.

I told her that she hasn’t even met Markle, how can she be so sure, and she got even angrier and asked me why I’m being Meghan’s advocate.

At this point, I know I should have stopped, but I couldn’t help it and said that she was being too hateful.

SIL immediately blocked my number (I could say because I couldn’t see her profile picture anymore) and messaged my husband that I was horrible to her and called her hateful to defend someone I didn’t even know.

My husband just had a chuckle and told me that I shouldn’t have read the essay and just said that it was nice, and there was no use arguing with SIL. I agree, but I still think I did the right thing.

AITJ for having an argument with my SIL over something so small?”

Another User Comments:

She sounds hateful… Whether it’s celebrities or not… Being hateful isn’t a good thing. That and the ‘she tries so hard to look caucasian’ is a little weird.

She tries to defend it by saying she’s painting the truth, but she hasn’t met the woman, she, therefore, doesn’t know whether or not the things she said were truthful fully.

People nowadays honestly.” zZombi__

Another User Comments:

She asked you. I’d have told her it sounded like ten shades of crazy and then told her she shouldn’t have asked if she didn’t actually want to know. My brother is big into conspiracies.

I don’t go out of my way to engage but if he brings it up to me (which he used to do often) I tell him he sounds insane and don’t elaborate. I don’t try to reason with him and make it clear that he won’t convince me.

He doesn’t try to talk to me about it as much for some reason.

Let her be irrationally upset. If that much of her self-worth is tied up in celebrities she doesn’t even know, I feel sorry for her.” Unicornsuperfan

3 points - Liked by leja2, ankn and Stagewhisperer

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Foofer 1 year ago
Tell her "i didnt know you were a conspiracy theorist...i heard Qanon is taking applications"
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11. AITJ For Wanting To Get Transferred To A New OBGYN?


“I (22F) am currently 39 weeks pregnant with my first daughter, I have a son too but sadly I miscarried when I was 20 weeks (this is relevant to the story). I went in for a routine prenatal appointment and was explaining how I hadn’t felt movement and I was cramping.

Then boom no heartbeat and I was 5cm dilated, they scheduled me for a d&c 3 days later but apparently, my body thought that was too long and that night I was back at the hospital holding my very tiny baby and wondering what went wrong.

Well, fast forward 2 years later I’m married and expecting a baby girl in (hopefully) a few days, I’ve had to switch OB facilities and doctors because of my husband being stationed in NY, but this doctor, Dr.

C, has been my doctor since 32 weeks. Now he’s actually a very nice man and he seemed to actually care about my comfort and consent on certain things, until 2 weeks ago. He tells me he got my records from CO, and that he noticed how I naturally passed my last fetus…(okay sir, rude way to say that) and that normally he doesn’t see women that late in their pregnancy do that and he wants to schedule an ultrasound to ‘make sure my uterus is competent’ me being 38 weeks at this point was like ??? If it wasn’t I wouldn’t be here almost full term.

So I go to the ultrasound and she tells me everything is fine, this past Thursday (4/21) I got back to the doctor and he said that everything looked fine except he wanted to double check if I was 5cm dilated.

I’m heavily pregnant and ready for this kid to be out so I asked him if it was possible to get a membrane sweep if I’m able to, he gets a look on his face and says no.

Okay, no big deal if he’s not comfortable that’s fine. He does the exam and confirms I’m dilated to 5cm then says he’s putting me on bed rest so my cervix doesn’t dilate further, I asked him why considering I’ve had a risk-free pregnancy and he says ‘your uterus is incompetent.’

I was and still am really confused, I’m 39 weeks pregnant, I’m almost positive it’s normal to be this dilated and even if I go into labor there aren’t as many problems or complications now.

I refused to be on bed rest and he got mad at me saying I am putting my child at risk and continued to berate me. When the appointment was over I went to the front desk and asked that I be scheduled with a new doctor for next week, and they did.

Now my MIL (after my husband called to rant to her about my doctor being a jerk) said I was rude to remove him as my dr and that he only had my and muy daughter’s best interest in mind.

My mother also said the same. So AITJ?

Edit: I wanna say I have been taking it easy since he told me to go on bed rest because I know it’s not completely normal to be that dilated unless in active labor, I don’t work anymore and the most active I am during the day is getting up and sitting in a different spot around the house or making dinner lol.

And I also know that he was speaking the correct terminology, and it wasn’t WHAT he was saying it was HOW he was saying it, kind of like I was a stupid little girl and that I knew nothing about my own body.”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ – look, he’s supposed to be your doctor, not your unborn child’s pediatrician.

It’s not at all uncommon to have a stillbirth in the 2nd trimester WITHOUT medical intervention to stimulate labor. It’s awful, but it’s what the human body is supposed to do, and needing induction or a d&c is actually the failure of a biological process requiring intervention, not the other way around.

Your pregnancy has been normal and risk-free, and you are actually considered full-term. It’s totally NORMAL for you to begin to dilate even weeks in advance of labor, and unless there is evidence of an anomaly- which he investigated, and stated outright that there is not – then his behavior is a huge red flag for rolling consent violations when you are actually in labor and delivering.

His position changed based on information that holds no bearing as you are already full-term. His concern and priority are you, your health, welfare, and well-being. And what he’s doing is butt-covering based on a hypothetical which is not actually a risk factor in your current pregnancy.

This is not a doc I would want to receive further care from either. But even if it were as simple as you not getting along with a doc, it’s literally your body and you get to decide who you are comfortable with providing you care.

Never forget that they work for you, not the other way around.” CatteHerder

Another User Comments:
“It isn’t uncommon to start dilating early. 5 cm is on the brink of active labor. 38 weeks is perfectly fine for delivery as most doctors will schedule a c-section 1 to 2 weeks before the due date.

(In case the due date is off – which is super common).

Many women start dilating early, usually not to 5cm but still not uncommon. If you were 6 they would/should have admitted you. You do want to take it super easy because your cervix is open which means you don’t have the tight barrier between the outside world full of germs and the placenta full of baby.

These are things you are probably thinking. Now I want to tell you what else you should know.

You should be on bed rest!

Your doctor said you have an incompetent uterus — if you want to look this up you can google incompetent cervix.

This condition can cause your uterus to rupture, internal bleeding, and as I mentioned before germs – infection. It can also cause a late-term miscarriage — ruptured uterus, internal bleeding. If you didn’t connect the dots — you yourself can get in danger.

I am sorry for the loss of your son.

You are risking the loss of your daughter because your doctor failed to explain things to you.

Let me say this one more time — your uterus can rupture and you could very easily lose your daughter.

Please, please do bed rest.

Since your doctor did not explain to you that this condition can cost you your child you have every right to request a different doctor. But they will, if at all a good doctor, put you on bed rest or admit you.

So, YTJ for not listening to your doctor but NTJ for requesting a new doctor because you should feel comfortable with your doctor.

BED REST!” Spirited_Bill_8947

Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.

His bedside manner sucks since he didn’t manage to communicate his concern without deeply offending you, but he is 100% right.

‘Incompetent uterus’ & ‘fetus’ are proper medical terminology describing what happened. 5cm dilated is not normal, no matter how late you are in your pregnancy until you are in active labor; in fact, this could have caused you to go into preterm labor earlier in this pregnancy (as a nurse, I’m honestly surprised — but glad! — that you didn’t).

Bedrest is the general recommendation to combat this (although I’m not sure it’s necessary at 38 weeks, honestly this is the only thing that I’m questioning in this story).

Also, a membrane sweep would not have been in the best interest of you or your child (esp. when you’re dilated) as it puts both of you at risk for infection.” JenniphyrN

2 points - Liked by pamlovesbooks918 and DeeDeeMarie81

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Turtlelarke 9 months ago
I know this is old. But hopefully this will help someone later. 1rst an Incompetent Uterus is a medical term. Its not an insultan. Let me be clear. I have a family member who 2 days before her due date, everything was fine. Baby was fine. Heartbeat was fine. 2 days later she goes in and the baby died.
It was horrible.
So when a doctor who was made aware of what happened with your first pregnancy gets another sonogram and you're focused on the fact that the baby is alive, heartbeats fine that means nothing wrong. The doctor however saw what confirmed his theory.. Incompetent uterus...or cervix. He was looking out for you both. You might not have appreciated his "delivery" of the diagnosis buy he was again thinking of you both and you didn't want to listen because you know better? Yes you need to be comfortable with your ob. This ob was vigilant on your behalf (btw did you know that OB/GYN's are the most sued medical doctor profession? He's covering his own butt as well he should) I don't necessarily think you are a jerk but your cavalier attitude confuses me after such a monumental loss why you wouldn't want to take every precaution? It sounds like you got hung up on the word "incompetent " when it's literally the name of the medical diagnosis
No Jerks here
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10. Is My Partner The Jerk For Getting Mad At My Sister?


“So, my sister (call her Connie), my partner (Greg), and I were going on holiday which required Greg to drive us 9 hours to get there. Connie has 1 dog and Greg and I have another dog.

The dogs needed to be looked after whilst we were on holiday. Mine and Connie’s mother agreed to look after the dogs. She lives 2 and a half hours away.

I and Connie asked Greg if he could take the dogs to our mum’s house to which he agreed.

Greg asked Connie to sit in the front and hold our small dog because she is still a pup and needs that support and wouldn’t do well in the back with Connie’s dog, being a much larger dog.

Connie said that she didn’t want to hold our dog because it would be uncomfortable. Greg was of the opinion that it was a small ask and he was doing it as a favor to us.

He had been at work all day and had work the next day and it just would have made it that little bit easier.

He ended up putting our dog on the front seat and looked after her whilst Connie sat in the back seat.

I was informed by Connie that Greg said very little to Connie for the whole trip, only responding to her when she spoke to him.

Info: My dog is toilet trained and is not aggressive in the car or otherwise, but she can be squirmy in the car.

Info: I stayed at home while they went and dropped off the dogs at my mum’s to tidy the house before the big trip.

Is my partner the jerk for getting upset at Connie?”

Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.

He is doing a big favor by driving you on the vacation and taking the dogs to your mom’s house. Connie didn’t want to hold a puppy on her lap. He found a solution that solved both problems.

Maybe he didn’t talk to her because he had other things on his mind, or he was tired, or he was focusing on not hurting your puppy.” Detached09

Another User Comments:
“Your partner sounds like the jerk for sulking because someone didn’t want to hold a squirming puppy for a more than two-hour drive.

He also wasn’t just doing your sister a favor, he was taking his dog to get free dog-sitting while he went on vacation. No info on how big a dog it is, but even a small puppy would get uncomfortable.

I’m not used to transporting dogs in cars, so is there a reason the big dog couldn’t be in the front passenger seat and the sister and puppy could sit in the back? That would seem like the obvious solution if the dogs won’t behave in the back seat together.” ArmNo8807

Another User Comments:

asking whether another person is the jerk defeats the purpose of this forum. This is a third-hand retelling of your sister’s experience. She could ask her if she were the ah for refusing to hold the dog.

We don’t know her reason nor do we know to what extent he really was upset. It’s too much info missing here

Maybe he just didn’t wanna talk cause he was focused on the street as well as the squirmy little pup. And it’s not unreasonable to be annoyed if you’re the driver and another person is there to keep a look at the dogs but refuses to do so for yours.” rusalkamaya

2 points - Liked by DeeDeeMarie81 and lebe

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ankn 1 year ago
IMHO the way to transport animals is in a belted carrier, not sitting on the seat.
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9. AITJ For Going Around My Friend's Back?


“I (17F) am in high school, and marching band. My section consists of Alice (18F), Me, Jenna (16F), and Eric (15M).

Alice works on a farm and owned a cow. The cow lived on the farm, and she went to care for him daily.

They also have other workers at the farm who care for all of the animals. Alice saw the cow as her pet and loved him very much. Sadly, her cow fell ill, and she had to take him to, essentially, a slaughterhouse.

Jenna’s whole family is vegan, and her mother is, well, similar to That Vegan Teacher (in my eyes). She made a post on Nextdoor about Alice’s family and their cow, claiming that they mistreated the cow and created lies about the farm.

Alice was horrified when she saw the post, especially because it directly targeted her, 17 at the time. Her family defended themselves and so did Jenna’s family, creating a social media fight between both families.

Neither family knew that both of their daughters played the same instrument, and would end up in the same section in a few months.

Fast forward some months. Alice brought up her cow when we were at a football game, and Jenna started sobbing.

Alice, who hadn’t tried to instigate anything, got upset. When she was called to the dean’s office and reprimanded the next day, she was even angrier.

Now, about two months later, Alice and Jenna both complain to me about everything the other does.

Alice purposely wears shirts that say things about beef or bacon around Jenna. But she’s afraid to mention her new cow around her because she’s terrified of Jenna’s mom posting another web of lies.

Alice tells me about how annoying Jenna is, and is constantly irritated with everything she does. Since she’s section leader, she consistently expresses her annoyance through unreasonable demands. Jenna is the same way as Alice and reacts with an (although somewhat justified) abrasive attitude.

Eric usually stays quiet and isolated, so I am completely and literally stuck in the middle: Alice is 1st chair, I’m 2nd, and Jenna is 3rd.

I’m personally on Alice’s side in this situation, but I do feel bad for Jenna.

I think the way Alice is treating her is wrong, and it’s not her fault, it’s her mom’s. I’ve been being friendly towards both when the other isn’t around, which isn’t very difficult as they avoid each other as much as possible, but I feel like a bad person for not being genuine.

I’m mainly thinking about next year after Alice has graduated and I’ll be section leader because we’ll all be miserable if I have a bad relationship with Jenna.

I feel like a trashy human being, and I feel as if I’m going around Alice’s back.

She’ll talk poop about Jenna to me, and I’ll agree with her to make her feel validated. But when it’s just me and Jenna, I’ll assure her that yes, Alice is very rude, and next year it’ll be much better when she’s gone.

So, AITJ for being two-faced?”

Another User Comments:
“Well, everyone sucks here. It sucks you have to deal with those two consistently fighting; however, I would stop what you do call ‘two-face’ actions. Because if somehow, someday, they magically make up.

You are going to be the biggest jerk in their life and will most likely be targeted/hated. Just saying. I would just listen and keep my mouth shut at all times.” Aristo_qttw1021

Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.

Diplomacy is a tricky art. Try to find ways to sympathize but still stay on the side of what’s literally true. You’re not a jerk for not knowing how to do this, but you’ll pick up the skill.

You’re 17 and therefore green, but you’ll mature in a hurry.

If you need help in how to do this, talk with a counselor at school. Maybe the same dean that got on Alice’s case.

Maybe also get your band instructor in the loop.

And next year, even when Alice is gone, handle things as though Alice were there: don’t say anything about the situation that isn’t literally true, but still smooth things over with Jenna.

By the time you graduate, your diplomacy skills will be brightly shining as the sun.” billlevansatmariposa

Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, all three of you are headed for college and about to enter adulthood in a few years so this will need to dissolve because this amount of pettiness needs to end.

As for you, it’s wise to be transparent with both of them, as adults we always try to be as transparent about a situation as possible because communicating is very effective at resolving issues.

It’d be wise to sit both friends down and mediate both sides so you’re not stuck in the middle. Chances are once you remove yourself, Alice and Jenna might become friends. Sorry for this weird triangle that you’re in. I didn’t know vegans could be that toxic either.” Ughgrr

1 points - Liked by lebe

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ankn 1 year ago
Sounds like a rotten situation, but yes, you're the jerk for being two faced. These things have a way of coming out. Better to just nod and say neutral things, like 'um hum' or 'I hear that you're mad.'
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8. AITJ For Unintentionally Leading A Guy On?


“I (26F) started seeing someone (29M) after meeting online. We chatted on Hinge for a few days, and on day 3, we started sending audio messages on the app. We were having a really great conversation, and he asked if he could call me to continue it.

I accepted.

We talked three nights in a row on the phone, for 5 hours, 6 hours, and then 8 hours. Honestly, those first two nights were great. We had a good rapport and went back and forth.

The third night I noticed that he kinda… I dunno, he would tell stories about his life but they would last for like an hour straight. I figured he was just excited and word vomiting, and I was excited too.

We went on a first date and it was really good. Got dinner, and saw a movie, he was super sweet and respectful. All was going well.

He lives about an hour and a half away from me, and he’s a day shift worker while I’m a night shift worker.

We spend a lot of time on the phone. After that first date, I noticed that when we were on the phone, he would literally talk about himself for HOURS at a time without giving me a chance to give any input.

I could have muted myself on my phone and it would have made no difference.

I started dropping hints, like talking about some of the times I get overstimulated with my ADHD/PTSD when people just dump on me for too long without giving me a chance to talk too.

I told him about being raised by a narcissist and then in an abusive relationship with someone who only cared about themself.

We had our second date, and it was a bit better in person.

The hints weren’t enough, and I knew I had to talk to him about it outright because he’s not a mind reader and I can’t expect him to understand every hidden meaning. I had full intentions of telling him because he came over to my place and I was making us dinner.

We ate, I was getting myself amped up, and then he dropped on me that he wants to ‘make it official’ and ‘put a label on it.’ I’d told him from the get-go that I wanted to move slow and rushing things was something that had burned me before.

So, instead of having the ‘holy moly stop talking about only yourself’ conversation, we had to have the ‘slow down please’ conversation.

I should say that I’m well aware he’s more into me than I am him.

That’s not to say I wasn’t into him, he was just feeling a lot more deeply than me really quickly.

I ended up telling him the reservations I had over text, which is where I feel like I may be the jerk.

He responded with a 4-page text that was basically ‘you’re wrong, I don’t do that, how could you even imply I only talk about myself?’

I ended up breaking it off then and there because it was honestly a pretty aggressive response.

He feels like I led him on and I shouldn’t have strung him along because he was falling for me. We matched on Hinge less than a month ago. I don’t feel bad for breaking it off, but I feel like maybe I should have handled the issue before it became such a big thing.

So, AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you never lead him on, ‘leading in’ implies you didn’t directly shut him down or cared, but you did care – you went on dates and tried to click with him, but it didn’t work out so it got broken off.

You did nothing wrong.

Also, he’s very selfish if he really thought he wasn’t talking about himself that much he would have said ‘oh I didn’t think I was, I’m sorry, I’ll try to notice when I do so from on’.

Instead, he tried to guilt trip you and shame you. Not to mention the rushing, a million red flags – block him and don’t look back, he doesn’t deserve your time.” B1ueberry_Muff1n

Another User Comments:
“Sounds like he was love bombing…

And a narcissist. Instincts tell me you would have ended up in an abusive relationship with him since he only wanted to talk about himself and not learn anything about you – so how could he possibly fall for you if he wouldn’t let you get a word in edgewise?

It’s good that you ended it with him.

He was just using guilt to try to reel you in which is what narcissists do. Be happy you got rid of him, and don’t look back. You weren’t leading him on, you were getting to know him and using this time to just learn whether or not he was the right person for you.

Just because you were having difficulties speaking up about his long-winded indulgence of self-importance doesn’t make you a bad person, we all need time and getting to know someone and making an assessment of whether or not they’re a good fit.” Alchemalgoddess

Another User Comments:
“You dodged another Narcissist.

But because you said you were raised by one it’s not uncommon to unconsciously give off ‘Come get me, Narcissist, I understand you’ vibes. Your boundaries are a bit off in that you allowed a man you are not involved with to hold you in the conversation for hours while he gives a TedTalk.

15 to 30 mins of phone time a day is enough. Then you invite this man to your home and make him dinner on the 2nd date. And where he is not even spending moolah on you but still wants to dump on you.

That’s a no. Once again, boundaries.

But remember, you dumped on him about your mental illnesses and past abusive experiences. This is something that women inadvertently do thinking they need to fill in the silence and show vulnerability.

This is also wrong. He doesn’t even know you and here you are dumping your issues on him. So right from the start, a man feels he has to work too hard so as to not trigger your fragile mental state.

And even nice guys will unconsciously treat you differently once they know you are used to mistreatment.

So basically, it was best that you two decided not to continue. This would have been a co-defendant situation.” Federal_Beyond2587

1 points - Liked by ankn

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Woogiesmom721 9 months ago
You definitely dodged a bullet.
2 Reply

7. AITJ For Not Letting My Wife Pay Her Debt With My Savings?


“I had some funds saved before I even met her. I think around that time it was 20K (now it’s 20K). I’ll get to the reason I was saving later. I had originally planned to tell my wife when we started going out cause I was head over heels but my dad told me otherwise.

Said it was a bad idea to reveal a large amount in a barely formed relationship. So I listened and kept my mouth shut.

So here we are, 8 years later. Married, but no kids and living in a decent-sized apartment.

I decided it was time to let her know, not out of the blue but it had been on my mind lately.

She was ecstatic. She said how much of a genius I was and that this amount would help pay off her student loan debt and we could vacation, she could quit her job, etc etc.

I kinda gave her a look and said I didn’t plan to have the funds used yet. We weren’t struggling by any means and I’d rather not be the sole breadwinner.

She got mad and asked why I would tell her this if I wasn’t planning to use it.

I told her because she is my wife and after 8 years I’d hope she wouldn’t act like that. I wanted the funds used for our kid’s education and life because I struggled growing up and wanted to ensure it wasn’t like that for them.

Like a boost in life.

She got even more livid and said she didn’t even want kids if all that amount was going to them. I said fine, and that I’d donate it instead. She got so angry that she slammed the bedroom door in my face, screaming on the other side.

I screamed back, not understanding why she was being this way. She said that I could pay her student loans but instead I was being selfish for kids we don’t have. This is exactly what I was afraid would happen.


Edit: It’s not that she thought we could do ALL of the things she mentioned. She was suggesting stuff, I may have worded that badly.”

Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Your wife is a jerk for her ridiculous reaction and you’re a jerk for lying for 8 years.

You are together for 8 years, married and all this time you had a secret bank account? Because when you got together you had 3K in your savings account? I would not call that genius…

It’s very weird. If you don’t trust your wife, you shouldn’t have married her.

Didn’t you talk about finances? About how to split the rent, groceries, and all other bills. About wanting to buy a house and what you both can contribute financially? About your personal debts and savings? I do understand the choice of separating your finances and assets, but I don’t understand the choice of hiding it or lying about it.

My partner and I have separate (saving) accounts, but there is no secrecy around it. There never was. We are a team and talk about everything, including finances. He knows what’s on my account, I know what’s on his.

He knows about my study loan, I know about his mortgage. We are together for 11 years now, not even married, and probably never will be. (Just for reference, I’m not from the USA.

Here you can be in a serious, committed, lifelong relationship without the religious/social expectation of marriage.)” Plumplum_NL

Another User Comments:
“NTJ, her whole attitude is a huge red flag. Saying she doesn’t even want to have kids if the fund is going to them… how else does she think people have kids? Whether it’s your own savings or joint savings or day-to-day paychecks, kids are expensive so her comment makes no sense.

If you were to have them, would she not want her kids to have a good life and education? The comment is just so selfish.

I’m not so sure where I stand with the student loans.

If you have been together for 8 years it’s not so crazy to spend some moolah to pay the loans and be debt free. But I also think it’s your call and she shouldn’t be acting like she is entitled to use your savings.

It’s also a red flag that you didn’t tell her about the moolah for so long. When you first started going out, you had 3K which is really not that much, it’s not enough of an amount to make such a big deal of.

Your dad’s comment would make sense if you were secretly a millionaire and didn’t want to attract people who are after your moolah. Why have you kept it from her for so long?

Once you reached a considerable amount or once you were a solid couple and you knew you trusted her or loved her, why didn’t you tell her? 8 years is a really long time.

Taking a trip is not so crazy either but again, it should be something to discuss and she shouldn’t feel entitled to use your moolah.

Finally, her wanting to quit her job because you have some savings is just plain stupid and lazy.

You should have a conversation about what she plans to do once you do have kids. Maybe she is assuming she’ll be a stay-at-home mom forever and you are counting on two salaries.” Historical-Tap7948

Another User Comments:
“I’m gonna go with ‘everyone sucks here’.

First, the wife. 20k is NOT a lot, so where does she get the idea she can suddenly quit her job? I mean, that’s maybe a year at a minimum-wage job, not a lifetime.

She sounds very greedy and selfish. Now, as for you, you’re not thinking about it correctly. You’re looking at saving for something that doesn’t exist yet, while you have a very real debt that does exist.

The amount of interest you are gaining on that fund in the bank is pitifully low, especially when compared to the amount of interest that the school loan is generating. It would be much better to use that fund to get rid of the loan first, then save back up.” Zestyclose-Page-1507

1 points - Liked by leja2, Morning and ankn

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Squidmom 1 year ago
Tell her is an emergency fund or a down payment for a house. Thats definitely not enough to quit work. She sounds selfish and dangerous with money.
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6. AITJ For Telling My Friend To End Her Relationship?


“A few months ago, a childhood friend, ‘Kara’ of mine started going out with a guy who I cut off 4 years ago ‘Chad’. He was a very toxic friend to both of us, however, she decided to stay.

She decided she wanted to try to help him become a better person.

Right now she has two people she vents to, our friend ‘Belle’ and myself. Belle is an aggressive person and is very protective.

I am a more peaceful person and I try to offer comfort. I would say Kara is in between. Ever since they started going out, Chad’s childhood friend ‘Jose’ started to talk badly about Kara to her face.

She told Chad that his friend needed to respect her. He told her that’s just how he is, he talks like that to everyone. She told him that she didn’t care, she wasn’t okay with it.

He said he would talk to him.

About a week ago, she called Chad and Jose was there and was screaming obscenities at her. She hung up and got into a bit of an argument with Chad over it.

She told Belle about it and Belle got extremely mad. She asked Kara for Jose’s phone number so she could personally give him a piece of her mind. She sent Kara the texts of what Jose said about her.

Kara sent the same screenshots to me and explained this all to me. She told me that she was afraid that Chad was going to break up with her over this situation.

My response to this was that at this point if he did it would be a good thing for her.

He clearly doesn’t respect her, and whose side he took says a lot about him. Even in the past he never treated her well. She thanked me for my honesty and I offered her some more comfort.

After the fact though, I am starting to feel like maybe I was too harsh on her. I know she loves him, but I really don’t think he is good for her. Especially after hearing about this.

I also really REALLY do not like him and I feel that she needs to get out of that relationship. I’m really conflicted.”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and it wouldn’t surprise me that the reason ‘Jose’ is talking crap to ‘Kara’ is that ‘Chad’ is badmouthing her in her back.

So it probably is good to suggest to her that he is not the one. But it all still all up to her though. Love blinds people especially when you are young.” Aristo_qttw1021

Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.

Compassion is not about doing/saying what makes others feel good, but responding in a way that they need.

A good friend needs to be willing to call their friend out if they’re going down a painful path, and that’s what you did.” xocotacotl

Another User Comments:

But I’ll add that once you said your piece, how she navigates this relationship is her business. It’s rarely a good idea to tell people what to do in their relationships or how and when to end a relationship.

People end relationships when they are ready. It’s really tempting to tell them what they should do, in large part because looking from the outside it can be much easier to see abusive behavior for what it is than when it is happening to you by someone you love.

A better approach is to offer support and ask open-ended questions. ‘Do you think it’s okay to allow friends to berate your partner?’ ‘Why don’t you think you deserve a partner who insists his friends don’t bad mouth you?'” ArmNo8807

0 points (0 votes)

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rbleah 1 year ago
NTJ You said your piece. If she comes to you again just tell her she already KNOWS how you feel about it and there is nothing more to say. I think she just wants to cry about it but WON'T DO anything about it. Stay out of the rest of it. If nothing else let her talk about it but don't give any more feedback.
2 Reply

5. AITJ For Refusing To Eat My Husband's Cooking?


“My husband and I recently had a baby, he’s 3 months old and while most things are great – I haven’t slept a full night, my husband works as a builder so it’s essential he gets to sleep.

The problem I’m facing is that as a type 1 diabetic, not only have the hormones messed with my blood glucose (sugar) but my sleep constantly being interrupted has also affected this, high sugars leave me extremely sick.

It’s my husband’s day off so he insists I sleep in and he’ll deal with my breakfast, I have to do insulin before I eat so he tells me roughly how many carbs.

When he brings breakfast to me I noticed it was what would normally be a nice meal, except it had eggs in it, which I’m extremely allergic to.

I guess sleep deprivation and low blood sugar got to me because I cried, which my husband claims was ‘insensitive’ because he hasn’t actually cooked in ages, that he forgot and as an adult, I should’ve been able to have a conversation with him.

He’ll still make little digs about how ‘unappreciated’ I made him feel and how he’s questioning our communication method.

I told him from now on I just won’t cook his meals, if I can remember little details about what he likes why can’t he remember my allergens? I usually cook his lunches and dinners.

He says he’s just upset that I didn’t talk to him, that he would’ve done something else if I didn’t immediately overreact.

AITJ? I do feel kind of guilty.”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sound’s like you are very tired and you can’t always control the tears.

Also forgetting something that you are deathly allergic to is a pretty serious oversight. Maybe don’t keep eggs in the house if he can’t remember since if he’d put them into something that wasn’t instantly obvious you could have died.

Remembering your partner’s severe allergy is not too much to ask.

He’s probably right that you need to improve your communication. Sit him down when you’re feeling more together and tell him what you wrote here, that it wasn’t that you didn’t appreciate him but you are tired and overwhelmed, it’s playing havoc with your blood sugar and him serving you food you couldn’t eat makes you feel terrible even if the effort he put into it was well intended.” SellQuick

Another User Comments:

You’re allergic to eggs. It’s not just that you don’t like them. It should be something he remembers. Also, you just had a baby and I’m sure your emotions are all over the place as you try and regulate the lack of sleep, and hormones, and are responsible for a human child.

His making remarks about it afterward is so rude. He was egging you on (no pun intended). You reacted to him being a jerk about it.

I do think both of you should apologize and not let this keep a cloud over the relationship, but if he keeps making digs at you about things, call him out and explain how hurtful it is to have him keep bringing it up.” Clear_Ant_5480

0 points (0 votes)

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ankn 1 year ago
Did you know that sleep deprivation is used for torture and interrogation? And that's for healthy people. You have diabetes to deal with. Hubby needs to step up and do more parenting. You should get a full 12 hours off on both Saturday and Sunday. Suggest you leave the house and go sleep elsewhere, at a relative's house, a friend's or a neighbor's, so you won't wake up when the baby cries. Could your mom, or his, or other relatives come over twice a week so you could nap? Could you hire a local teen to come over after school hours so you could nap? Or a granny?
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4. AITJ For Not Telling My Mom I'm Moving?


“I (22F) got married to my (21M) husband when I was 20. I don’t wanna give too much detail to give myself away, but my husband isn’t originally from my city. He’s been talking about wanting to move back home closer to his family.

I have been on board with the idea since he told me, that the only thing that’s holding me back is my mom.

I understand where she’s coming from but I was born and raised in the city I am in now and I want to experience something new.

Every time I bring up the topic, she always basically gaslights me for me not to leave. For reasons I’d rather not say, my husband and I came into a bit of a pickle so now we have to move, my husband’s mom said it was okay for us to stay with her while we find a place there but she’s in a completely different state.

My husband and I talked and it would be a great opportunity since he doesn’t ever have the time to visit them.

Now we have about 2 days for us to pack and leave but I don’t know how to tell my mom that I’m driving across the country to move.

My husband said we would be leaving at night so I told him that I might just end up leaving without telling her and he said that would be a jerk move and to at least tell her bye.

So am I the jerk for wanting to leave out of state without telling my mom?”

Another User Comments:

Nothing wrong with moving and experiencing new things growing up. I live in Germany and my family is from the UK after all.

But leaving in the night without letting your family know, who I assume love you and don’t want you to leave, is mean. Let them help, they’re just scared because change and kids growing up is scary.

Tell them. Can still call, video chat, and visit just not every weekend.” lauraleipz

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are old enough to go wherever you want and it’s your life. She can’t tell you what to do anymore.

If you don’t want to disclose any information to her, then you are not obligated to do that. It’s none of her business.” Triplicated

Another User Comments:
“Assuming your mom isn’t actually emotionally abusive, just not wanting her daughter to leave her behind, YTJ.

If you think about it, it’s a lot like your husband wanting to live closer to the family because he doesn’t have the opportunity to visit. Since you’re now moving across the country, will you be able to visit your mom? Will your mother be able to visit you? Will she ever see you again?

You’re already leaving. Apparently, it’s a done deal. Have the guts to say goodbye.” SurrealityThrowaway

0 points - Liked by BJ and leja2

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Foofer 1 year ago
Yes and no. Yes for not telling her. No, you are a grownup. Tell her you are visiting spouse's family...then, tell her something came up, your staying with MIL for little bit.... lead her on. Then say "hubby got new job, everythings good, we found a house" .... stay in touch, dont directly tell her you leaving but
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3. AITJ For Being Mad At My Partner Over A Broken Promise?


“I am 18m and she is 18f. So earlier today she went shopping with a few friends and all was well. But then I get a text that says ‘Can I tell you something and you won’t get mad?’ I say, ‘Ok what is it?’ Turns out she got her nose pierced.

Now, this isn’t a big deal but a few months back we had discussed me being with her to get her nose pierced and she said, ‘You’ll be there I promise.’

Now for context, this would be the third time something like this has happened.

I usually get over it pretty fast but this one really got to me.

Anyway, I texted her saying that I’m not mad just a little letdown. And she says, ‘Sorry, but it was a spur of the moment.’ Now what made it worse is that she never took responsibility.

She just gave me excuses. But then asked me to understand why she did it and I quote ‘I want you to understand why I did it now and not later’ then never explained.

But to me, if I can’t expect you to follow through on the little things how can I expect you to react to the bigger things? So I told her that I’ll drop the subject but I still feel sad.

So am I the jerk for not letting it go?

Edit: what I’m sad about isn’t the piercing I think the piercing looks great on her it’s the fact she broke the promise she made to me.”

Another User Comments:
“Barely YTJ.

Mainly because it’s not a big deal and she can do whatever she wants. The amount of times I said I’d do something with a partner and I’d be with my friends and the opportunity just arose? I understand you being upset about the broken promise.

But was it really a promise? And also I think promises should be reserved for more important situations. It’s just a nose piercing.” Hilezzz

Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I am really leaning towards ‘no jerks here’, because yeah I get it that this is her body, her choice, she doesn’t need you around 24/7, blah blah, I am sure people will tell me several dozen things in response, but the reason I am saying NTJ is because this has happened repeatedly, by your own account.

It is common practice that if you give your word, you stick to it, and it’s not as if you were saying, hey don’t do that, you just wanted to be there. Why? I really don’t know and I find it kind of odd, but you do you.

Now, this has happened three times, which would frustrate anyone, and at best OP’s partner seems unreliable, at worst she is a liar.

I don’t understand why you wanted to be there, and that isn’t really the question, but I’d be annoyed too if my partner gave her word three separate times and then flaked.

At that point, I’d not really rely on her to pick up milk from the store, much less anything important. At some point it’s going to become ‘Why didn’t you tell me or want to do ‘XYZ’ together?’ and the response will be ‘I didn’t know if you’d actually do it this time’, which is basic pattern recognition.” User

Another User Comments:
“YTJ, who do you think you are, to have a say in something like this, to expect to be present and then react so badly as if it’s a betrayal? It’s controlling and emotionally abusive, if this is a pattern for you and the way you communicate it isn’t healthy, you are sulking to punish her, over nothing and she would be better off leaving this relationship.

She has done absolutely nothing wrong and did not require your permission, or presence, or have to promise you anything.” River-platter

Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You, for thinking you have a say or even an opinion about anything she chooses to do with her body.

Her, for making ‘promises’ about things that don’t really need to be promising and then breaking them.

The examples you gave don’t seem like a big deal by themselves, but a pattern of making promises about trivial things and then breaking them is a good way to make you not trust her future ‘promises’ about bigger things.

And if you’re feeling this way about it after only a few times, it’s only going to get worse if you don’t talk to her about it and come to some sort of understanding.” FineSomewhere4352

-1 points (1 vote(s))

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rbleah 1 year ago
It IS a big deal as she has done this before from what you said. It is gonna become a trust thing.
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2. WIBTJ If I Quit Before My Manager Fires Me?


“Don’t get me wrong, I curse a bit and get a bit upset at times but the one thing I always make sure to have is a good attitude. I smile at customers and am very sweet, people have told me I’ve made their day, and they come back to see me, etc.

But my manager is building a case against me lying saying I have a terrible attitude and a bad mouth.

After 6 months of working at Walgreens, I’ve lost basically all of my work ethic.

At my other job, I am always on my feet, helping people and having fun. At Walgreens, I can’t get through more than 2 hours without sitting down, and recently I’ve started literally doing nothing.

Now I know that’s annoying to deal with, but I am constantly alone at the front. I’ll clean the counters a million times, do all the front tags, fix the candy, and ring people.

But otherwise, I can’t do anything else without being interrupted every 5-10 mins which has resulted in me sitting down and just waiting until people come up so I don’t have to frequently stop what I’m doing.

I’m going to quit soon, basically this week. And I’ve been doing this for the past two weeks.

My manager is an absolute jerk and hates me, my friend, and the only shift lead that stands up for us.

I don’t think it’s fair that he and other shift leads get to sit in the office on their phone all day so I protest it by sitting by the registers since I can’t hide in the bathrooms for hours on end or anything like that.

But now my manager and another shift lead are working up a case to fire me (and my friend, which I learned about bc of the shift lead who stands up for me telling me).

They have never brought this problem up to me, and have been taking away hours from me and my friend to entice us into quitting since apparently union jobs don’t really allow firing for nonsense reasons since we haven’t actually done anything wrong.

I’ve only no called no shown once due to sickness, sometimes I’m late but it’s always with notice and coverage. I was doing everything I needed to be doing and was getting wildly disrespected by the people around me.

All of the management is extremely fake, saying that hate drama but all they do is gossip and talk trash without actually going to the people they have a problem with.

I don’t think it’s fair to me that they’re aware of my situation (which is I’m completely on my own at 18 with no car) and they were going to fire me without warning for something I didn’t do.

I have an interview lined up for Monday which is basically a guaranteed job. And I feel very guilty for even thinking about doing this but I want to give them a taste of their own medicine.

Would I be the jerk if I didn’t show up to my last day with the manager who was making this case against me and gave no notice like they were going to do me?”

Another User Comments:
“YTJ, no call no show and sometimes being late when you’ve only worked there 6 months is no case.

Admitting you’re doing nothing, that’s a bad attitude right there, and I suspect it’s been more noticeable for longer than you think.

You’re 18, this is a learning job for you and ditching it isn’t the end of the world, but don’t pretend you’re a blameless angel at work either.” Secret_Werewolf1942

Another User Comments:

An employer can fire you anytime but you should give 2-week notice? Like why?? You are not going to use them as references so just quit.” Kostik114

Another User Comments:
“YTJ, did you read what you wrote? They are building a case against you and you’ve given them the proof they need. You aren’t doing your job.” Pink_Comedian

-1 points (1 vote(s))

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Ninastid 9 months ago
Ntj I don't give anybody a two week notice they don't give a crap about you you're just an expendable number to them they wouldn't give you a two week notice before firing you why give them the courtesy
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1. AITJ For Cutting Ties With My Grandma?


“My grandmother and grandfather have been married for over 50 years. About 8 years ago, my grandfather got Parkinson’s. He has bad dementia and his health in the last few years has gone down.

He got sick and was put in the hospital and he started to lose his ability to walk and do things on his own soon after. Not because of his sickness but because of the Parkinson’s.

During this time my grandmother was moving from her old house to a beach house that she was renovating. She didn’t have the finances for it so she had her two daughters (one of which is my mother) set up accounts and things so they could take out loans and be fine (I understand nothing about finances but the important thing is that my mom and her sister on paper own the house.

It is a beach house used by the family in the summer).

My grandfather had to go into assisted living in a VA. He isn’t doing amazing and the dementia is so bad he doesn’t really remember anybody.

We can still make him laugh and talk to him but he isn’t the same as before the disease. I’ve gone to see him many times since he has been in assisted living. We set up calls so we could talk to him when circumstances prevented us from seeing him.

Throughout all of this, my grandmother has not gone to see him once and all calls she was a part of were set up by us. This on its own sucks and makes me a bit mad but what she did in the last few months sent me over the edge.

Last summer, she had an old partner from high school come over to catch up with her. They talked and got dinner. We thought nothing of it. Weeks later she took a vacation down south to Florida and the Carolinas.

Hanging out with him and staying with him along the way. She came back and it was clear the two of them were more than just friends. She then moved him into her house which technically isn’t hers and is a family house.

She has not been cooperative with making him pay rent or keeping the family up to date on what’s going on. My aunt confronted her about having another man in the house and she just blew her off about it.

A lot of my family is hurt by this and we love our grandfather. It’s bad enough now that I gave up on a summer job there because I don’t want to be in the same house as them.

We didn’t invite her over for Easter this year and I haven’t spoken to her in months. I have some family that just blew it off and said it was fine. I want her to be happy but I don’t want her ruining family relations and ruining her financial situation.

Am I the jerk for cutting her out of my life?”

Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.

You love your grandfather and hate that your grandmother isn’t visiting him and has a partner.

But you have no idea what arrangement or agreements they had between them.

Perhaps your grandmother really loved your grandfather and seeing the man she loves disappear is incredibly hard for her, so she stays away and thinks of him only as the man she loved. Perhaps, as many spouses do, your grandfather wants your grandmother to find someone who makes her happy after he’s gone.

Mentally, and geographically, he already is.

Or even perhaps, your grandmother did not love your grandfather when they married for reasons only they know and grew to love him after. Maybe the old high school friend was the soulmate who she had to be separated from and this is her chance, to have some happiness with the man she also loved all these years.

We hear stories of reunions 50 years in the making all the time.

Besides, her daughters owning the house on paper means there won’t be estate taxes after she dies, which makes far more sense for them to own it on paper even if she’s the proper owner.

Have you ever asked who actually repays the loans and paid for the beach house?

It’s easy to get emotional, understandably. But you can’t possibly know all the details of marriage and life, lived far before you were even born.” User

Another User Comments:

You don’t have to go live with her for the summer if you don’t want to, and you don’t have to support her new relationship.

But I think it could be dangerous if everyone just let this unfold without eyes on what’s happening with grandma’s partner.

He could be taking advantage (seems even likelier since he’s apparently not paying rent/bills…)

At the same time, your grandma deserves some empathy. Your grandpa’s illness has taken her partner away after 50 years. The thought of looking into the eyes of someone you’ve devoted your whole life to, and seeing no recognition in their expression? As if you were a complete stranger? I can’t imagine how horrifically painful that must be.

When my grandma couldn’t remember me due to dementia, it was painful enough, but a spouse? The thought takes my breath away.

Is it possible that seeing your grandpa is just too painful for her?

Also: Is it so terrible of her to want companionship?

Because let’s be honest: her husband is gone.

His body is still breathing, but his spirit is sitting on the doorstep of whatever afterlife you believe in. Have you considered how lonely she may be without a partner? Do you really believe that she must suffer through that loneliness in the final years of her life?

Are your feelings about what she ‘should’ do enough reason for you to sacrifice your relationship in the last years you’ll have with her?

Regardless of how you answer those questions, NTJ.

But give it some thought, so you can live peacefully with your choices in the future.” SuzieQbert

Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Your grandfather, the person she was married to for 50 years is gone.

That person in care is not the man she loved. That person is well taken care of, but there is no hope for him coming back. And it’s better for her to move in, especially since there is no hope for him getting better.

Now, since you don’t understand economics, you don’t understand the arrangements. I’d say your mother and your aunt can force him out of the house for trespassing, and your grandmother as well for that matter at any point.

So, I recommend a nice family lunch on Sunday for the whole family to get to know him. No discussions whatsoever for rent. Then the daughters discuss their impressions and see what they want to do.

That might involve a different financial arrangement for your grandma. It’s ok if she chooses to support someone. It’s not ok for her kids to support him against their will.

Either way, you should get the summer job and stay at the house because it is your family beach home and you should be there. Worst case scenario, you’ll end up liking the man.” thelastjadi

-2 points (2 vote(s))

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ankn 1 year ago
It's reasonable for Grandma to want company rather than live alone, but a family visit is indicated to look him over. Is the man a freeloader, or is he paying his fair share of groceries and utilities and doing half the work? Who is cooking and cleaning? Who is mowing the lawn, washing windows, cleaning the gutters and so on? Does Grandma have any health conditions that make it wise to have somebody keep a close eye on her?
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