People Want To See If They Can Come Clean With Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories

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It's frustrating when someone who we thought is a friend judges us quickly just because of one mistake that we did. When that happens, everything that we're going to do in the future might just be assumed to be jerkish just because of what happened in the past.  Here are some stories from people who want to know if we agree with the assertions made by others that they were jerks. Tell us who you think is the real jerk as you read on. AITJ = Am I the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk WIBTJ = Would I be the jerk? YTJ = You're the jerk

17. AITJ For Leaving My Husband At The Supermarket?

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“I (32 female), am married to my husband (36 male). Yesterday around 5 pm we went to the supermarket that’s about a 3-minute drive from our house to grab a couple of things I needed for dinner.

On our way in we saw a crowd gather around the sidewalk in front of the store along with some police officers, city workers, and a dump truck. My husband pointed out that they were removing this taco stand that usually settles on the sidewalk and they were dumping out their meat and any food contents.

I said it was so unfortunate because it was such a waste of all the food.

Anyway, we went inside bought out items, and walked out to the car where he then began to load the bags into the trunk of my SUV.

I got into the passenger side when he starts ranting about the double standards of code enforcement caring so much about this taco stand when other restaurants had roaches and even rats but they did nothing about that.

Another bystander walking by agrees with him, so then my husband shuts the trunk and walks toward the chaos. He comes back moments later gets in the driver’s seat and tells me he had walked over to tell them how unfair they were being along with everything else he told me.

As he was driving out he rolls down the window and asked if I minded if he yelled at them from the car. I said yes I minded and that there was no need for it.

He then says he going to pull over because he was going back over there and if I wanted I could take the car. I said no because I had a zoom meeting I needed to get home to at 6 and had no time for this.

He didn’t care, parked the car, and go out telling me to wait. I had 10 mins before my meeting so I jumped in the driver’s seat and left home. He texted me to go back for him after I got home but I refused and said I was already logged on for my meeting and that no one had asked him for assistance back at the taco stand.

He said I was unsupportive and a jerk for having left him there and making him walk home. He hasn’t spoken to me at all since this happened.

For background, we are both Hispanic and it’s not that I am unsympathetic to the cause, because I really do feel for them, however, I still understand as I’m sure they’re aware the city doesn’t allow for un-permitted street vendors, it still sucks because of the financial loss to the owners and waste of food as well as the fine but I think that’s the risk in the business.

So, am I the jerk?

Edit: When he got home we had an argument about this. He said I should have supported him no matter what the reason even if he was wrong, and the principle was the fact that I left him and felt no remorse about it even though the walk was only 0.4 mi which was beside the point.

I responded with what did you accomplish? Did the workers let them keep their stand or give them back their product? No, so all you did was give your unsolicited opinion to something that was not your business, the workers were just doing their job and it’s not their fault, if you truly want to help you should a.

Help them find the permits or locations where they can legally sell their food, b. Advocate for them through the city council, c. Advocate through the media. He said it wasn’t about that, and that I just didn’t prioritize him as a person, to which I responded with you didn’t prioritize me after I told you about my meeting, but you prioritized complete strangers who were not asking for your assistance.

That pretty much ended the conversation.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your husband got a bug up his butt about a situation in which he could have no way of having all of the information necessary in order to make a judgment, let alone feel as though he were in a position to chastise and condemn the operation.

You clearly stated your boundaries and concerns and he chose to ignore them so that he could embark on a mission of attempting to shame people doing their jobs. Even if he was correct in his assumptions, that was not the appropriate time or platform to voice them.” MarialeegRVT

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

So he yelled at city workers and the police who were all enforcing laws they had to. With NO IDEA of the back story. You don’t yell at the workers. You find out what is actually happening and fight it higher up.

Or call the press who will make it a public outrage and much more likely to get the whole story. So he is so outraged. What if this cart has been the cause of food poisoning to multiple people and resulted in somebody dying? We have no clue.

But let’s face it, a random cart that is not following any rules to sell is hardly going to be following cleanliness or safe cooking practices. But again, they could have even been permitted.

We have zero clue. Neither does your husband.” Corduroycat1

Another User Comments:

“I’m assuming this zoom was a work meeting but even if it was just with friends, you had a commitment. He was acting impulsively.

That’s great he wants to support them, but he already did that and he wanted to go back for more.

You are correct to question what did he even gain by doing that. He wasn’t going to get the workers’ truck back and all he was doing was prolonging the inevitable.

If you really want to be helpful you probably should’ve contacted the owners and asked them if they had a public funding campaign or if they needed help actually obtaining the proper licensing.

On top of that, you gave him the time to go over and state his opinions and he didn’t come back in a timely manner.

But overall, I don’t think getting aggressive with the police is ever a good idea. Particularly for people of nonwhite descent. He’s lucky nothing bad happened. Mobbing is never a good idea and how you definitely can get the police to escalate issues that don’t need to be escalated.

NTJ” PettyHonestThrowaway

4 points (4 votes)
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LizzieTX 1 month ago
NTJ.
In trying to play outraged citizen advocating against governmental wrongdoing, he only managed to make himself look foolish. Self aggrandizement in the guise of helping others is still self aggrandizement. He let his ego overload his common sense, and I'd bet much that he realized that on his nice walk home. Good on you for that, by the way. Then he doubles down on YOU when he gets home? In your shoes, I'd have had trouble keeping a straight face.
He knows he screwed up, as is evidenced by his statement that you should have supported him "even if he was wrong". He was feeling foolish and embarrassed and tried to take it out on you after he came to his senses. Uh, NO.
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16. AITJ For Telling My Partner I'm Not Her Maid?

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“I (38F) and my partner (36F) have been together for 2 years and have lived together for 1 year. We share the bills 50/50 (mostly) and have similar incomes, mine being a bit more than hers.

I help her out with her part of the bills fairly frequently and cover the cost of food and recreation almost entirely and have since we started going out. I’m happy with how this has worked and feel comfortable with it.

Even though we bring in similar amounts of funds, we have VASTLY different time requirements for our jobs. I am retired from the military and receive pension/disability pay from that and supplement my income by doing freelance design work (about 20 hours a week on average).

Her job has her working closer to 12 hours a day 6 days a week. She does about half of that at the office and then spends all her time at home working on admin stuff on her computer.

Even on her ‘days off’ she spends most of the day working for her job.

This is where the conflict comes in and I might be the jerk. Because she is always working and I don’t, I have become the one who does all the housework.

I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, pet care, yard work, etc. We never had a discussion about that being how we share the household stuff. Slowly over time it just became the norm.

She often complains that the house could be cleaner and that I could be doing more throughout the day. We recently had an argument about it, because I’ve gotten fed up with it. She was complaining to me that I should be doing more, there’s so much to be done around the house, I shouldn’t just be sitting around, etc.

This is the morning after I worked a 6-hour design job then still cooked us dinner, walked the dogs, cleaned up the kitchen, and baked her cookies. My response was that I support the fact that her job is her priority but that doesn’t mean she gets to tell me I’m not doing everything she thinks I should with my day because she is jealous of my schedule.

I’m not her maid.

I spent 20 years working every second of every day to earn the privilege of sitting around sometimes and sleeping in when I feel like it, and if she wants more done around the house on top of all that I already do then she needs to do it.

Now she is upset and is telling me I don’t care about her or support her. I’m not super happy that all the housework has become my responsibility, but I’ve been doing it because it needs to be done and I technically have the time.

What bothers me most is that she complains that there is so much that I’m not doing and yet doesn’t do anything to help. I might feel differently if she was the sole income earner, but she isn’t.

AITJ for not wanting to do all the unpaid work just because I have more ‘free time’ in my schedule and telling her the exception that I do makes me feel like I’m her maid?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

If she’s working 72 hours a week, hopefully, she’s making enough to hire a part-time house cleaner (especially if you split the cost). Just having someone come a few hours every other week will make a huge difference.

That said, if you’re working 20 hours a week and she’s working 70+, I think it’s appropriate that you’re doing the bulk of the daily tasks like cooking and laundry. But, like others here, I’m uncomfortable with the gradual creep of her expectations on you.

It really sounds like you need a reset and heart-to-heart about who’s responsible for what and what you can ‘outsource’.” space-cyborg

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. But it’s time to talk it out. Hopefully, this isn’t the case but it sounds like it might be a ‘misery loves company’ kind of situation – if she can’t have relaxed time because of her work, she will find things to complain about to fill up your relaxation time with work so that she doesn’t have to see you have something she wants.

If that’s what’s going on it will take a lot of work for her to reset that way of thinking and if she’s not willing to do that work, this is going to keep happening, whether it’s house chores or trips or dinner plans with friends.

You’ll have to figure out if that’s something you’re willing to live with.” DetailEquivalent7708

Another User Comments:

“NTJ: I say this coming from a 100% disabled veteran who does not work.

Household chores are always a shared responsibility.

We are adults. If something needs attention and isn’t up to individual standards, you do it. You don’t make passive-aggressive statements and expect the ‘partner’ to reduce their role in the relationship to being subservient.

When there isn’t an active conflict about chores, a healthy relationship should be able to discuss expectations calmly and fairly. It isn’t fair to assume that just because one partner has more free time, they should take on all household duties.

It’s unrealistic. It’s why stay-at-home partners get burnt out.

As a veteran, it’s also insane you’re being expected to handle everything. You have compensation & pension for a reason. That reason is that our government acknowledges that you have limitations that require financial support, and it’s to help you stay above water as you try and heal.

Your partner may be overworked and overstretched, but also, they need to focus on their own time management. If you weren’t around how would they take care of themselves? You aren’t a maid, you aren’t their parent and you aren’t responsible for their share of household duties or that they chose a job with horrible time commitment requirements.

NTJ.” HotCheeks_PCT

4 points (4 votes)
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LizzieTX 1 month ago (Edited)
NTJ. If your partner is working that many hours for meager money, she needs to find another job
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15. AITJ For Not Picking Up My Wasted Brother-In-Law?

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“I help my family with anything they ask if I’m able to. I volunteer my help anywhere I feel it may be needed and have never expected anything in return, nor have I received half of the effort to help me in return.

I (24F) got a call from my sister (27F) about a month ago early in the morning asking if I would ride with her 20 minutes out of town to pick up my BIL (27M) & his best friend from a college football game.

I don’t watch football, so I assumed since they were leaving so early in the morning, it’d be an afternoon game. Later on in the day, she asked me to come to hang out.

Around 2 pm, I asked if we should leave soon to which I was told the game didn’t start until 6 pm. I told her that was fine, but I wanted to get up there by the time the game was over so I could be home as soon as possible that night as I was leaving very early the next morning to go out of state.

I left to head home shortly after this conversation. I turned the game on my TV that evening so I could leave when the game got to the last quarter (accounting for time in traffic).

I called my sister as I was getting ready to leave to pick her up so she could be ready when I got there. Immediately she refused to leave yet and insisted we cannot leave until the game is over as she was planning to drive their vehicle home and didn’t want to wait for them to walk to the vehicle.

I explained my reasons for wanting to leave:

I needed to be as quick as possible to get home and rest.

My partner works every day 16-hour shifts, I don’t see him hardly at all so I wanted to see him for at least 5 minutes out of that day.

She responded by cussing me out for being ‘selfish’ and hung up. I sent her a text stating ‘I will not help you if you speak to me this way, if you want me to bring you up there we need to leave now.

Otherwise, I’m going to stay home and go to bed’. Mind you, at this point, it was already after 10 pm. Her messages after were all cussing me out still calling me selfish and other rude names.

I sent one last message letting her know if she wants the help, I need her to say yes or no so I can leave now. So all together I had given her 3 chances to accept my help on my terms, which I thought were more than fair considering the things she had said to me when I refused to help on her terms.

Since this happened, she’s refused to speak to me other than demanding I apologize. So I came here asking for some outside insight, AITJ for setting boundaries when it came to me helping her?”

Another User Comments:

“So let me get this straight.

She wanted you to drive so she can pick up their vehicle but she wasn’t waiting for them to get to said vehicle and yet wouldn’t leave until the game is actually done. You’ve made a legitimate argument for why that doesn’t work for you which she ignores.

She expected YOU to wait for HER husband? The MOST I would have done was drop her off at the vehicle. This has nothing to do with your BIL drinking. It’s all about your sister.

If she wasn’t so busy being selfish, you would have helped out. NTJ.” wifeofamarriedman

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

Your sister is a taker and a user. She’ll keep asking you for more and more until you draw the line.

Then she’ll play the victim and try to make you feel guilty.

You outlined your boundaries and preferences and gave her multiple chances to fall in line. She wanted your help on her terms and is now all salty about it not going her way.

Please, please screenshot those nasty messages she sent you and use them as her profile pic on your phone, so you’ll never be tempted to offer your help again, and it’ll keep you strong to say no, next time she’s bold enough to ask for your time.” Thrwwy747

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

There was a slew of options available to them. It was on your sister to explain that she needed you to go with her to pick up BIL and her friend at Dark O’Clock tonight to get them and their car.

Why? Cuz she was asking for a favor.

Especially when you sister could have just driven them to the game and dropped them off. Save the coins on parking.

Or you and your sister could have picked the car up during the game.

Even if there was only one set of keys for the car, BIL or a friend could have come down and dropped off the keys.

Or any of a variety of other choices.

All starting with, it’s on your sister to be clear about what she is asking someone to do. Don’t make it a secret or people are just not going to want to help you out.” rak1882

3 points (3 votes)
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Beenthruit 1 month ago
NTJ. Stop doing favors for these ungrateful people
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14. AITJ For Not Offering My Vacant Apartment To My Mom And Other Relatives?

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“I have an apartment in my home country and have been renovating it. I inherited it from my close uncle ‘Joe’ but needed to buy a part of it from my cousin (joe’s nephew and sibling of the other two cousins in this text) as he owned part of it.

It wasn’t big of a deal, as his part was very small and he’d rather have the funds and couldn’t have paid me out anyway. So we agreed peacefully and I offered him to stay over if he comes back to our home country.

We are on good terms even now and he thinks ppl are acting ridiculous as well.

I made very quick fixes to everything and haven’t thought about renting it out or doing anything with it.

I went back last year and this summer for a few weeks and it was nice to have a place of my own. I like the thought of a vacation home and want to keep it that way.

Some other relatives of mine (all late 20s/early 30s) have been a pain in the butt these last years about living in their ‘old home’, my now flat. They haven’t made good decisions and are generally the parasitic type of person.

They lived at my aunt’s until they got kicked out, worked on some farms, and got caught stealing. You get the picture. They now live and work in some sort of a barn as a farmer but he can’t afford to have them anymore because of the inflation and other issues (apparently).

Of course, I got contacted by them and they asked me to ‘just stay for a few weeks maybe two months’ until they ‘get back on their feet’ and they would contribute by ‘continuing to work on it’.

There is nothing to fix in that flat, so it doesn’t make sense but I know they just don’t want to pay rent if any.

My mother, some uncles, and an aunt called out of the blue asking me why I refused to help the family out in these bad times and why am I ‘sitting’ in the apartment like a chicken (it’s a saying here, I think you get it).

I said I know they won’t leave, probably destroy it and I remembered them about that time these cousins of mine have thrown me into nettles down the hill and other stuff when they weren’t so nice in the past.

My mum said I am ‘behaving like a child’, ‘this is long in the past’ and they are about to be homeless, if I would also let her live on the streets if she was in a bad situation.

I was furious because she was comparing apples with pears and as she didn’t want to understand my position, I said ‘yes’. (of course, I wouldn’t)

Yesterday I got called out to be a gigantic jerk because I would rather have people unlive on the streets instead of giving them a home and enjoying my ‘lavish’ lifestyle with my vacation home.

So AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, you don’t owe anyone anything, as an adult, it is up to you to make something of yourself. If their choices have left them where they are why should they expect a handout? Renting to a family has had disastrous consequences, even with a rental agreement.

You could hire a real estate company to manage your apartment and do a regular monthly inspection and rent it to them for fair value. If they aren’t willing to do that then you have no reason to just hand them a home with nothing but a thank you in return.” Didim18

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

If it’s just you are worried that they won’t leave and they’ll damage the house, how about getting your uncles and aunt to provide a security deposit? Write a contract that gives your cousins a certain period of time you are comfortable with, and if they don’t move out by the specified date, you keep a certain amount of the security deposit.

If the house is damaged, you use the security deposit to fix the house. If your cousins move out on time and don’t damage the house, your Uncles and Aunt get their money back so they have nothing to worry about, right? If they refuse, they are only confirming they have the same concerns that you do.” CorgiManDan

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, these are bad people who have shown they can’t be trusted.

If you let them in it will be a nightmare to get them out and they will destroy the place. They got kicked out for a reason and then got caught stealing. Why would your family want to help people like that? Also, you need to put up cameras inside the apartment and outside if it’s legal and you need an alarm system.

I don’t know where you live but here in the U.S. people break into empty homes all the time and the owners end up actually having to go through the long and costly eviction process even though these people broke in.” TastyHome8183

3 points (3 votes)
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Beenthruit 1 month ago
NTJ. Make sure you have cameras all around the property and have anyone arrested who tries to get in. Go NC with these parasites
3 Reply

13. AITJ For Not Letting My Mother-In-Law Do Rituals At Home?

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“My husband and I are in the process of moving into our new home. We are getting some things updated before moving in.

My MIL was very insistent on doing her religious rituals to our home before we move in.

Basically, my husband would wave a sword around while I sprinkle ‘holy’ water and my MIL follows behind us chanting.

I do not know what religion she is. I don’t think she’s religious at all but more superstitious.

She gets the holy water and chant from a monk.

I am not religious but I do lean more toward Christianity because that is what I grew up with. Before we moved into our house now, we actually did this process.

But I refuse to do it again at our new home because whatever belief MIL has, it makes me very uncomfortable for specific reasons.

When my oldest was born, my MIL told me she paid the monks to have his fortune read.

She said I had to place his crib facing a specific way or he would get hit by a car and pass away at some point in his life. She also told me he would suffer greatly in life if he visited my parents before he was 6 months old.

I lost it on her. I told her if she ever had my children’s future read, she would be instantly cut off. And how dare she tell me where and who my child could see.

I did not let her see him for the first 6 months.

I was annoyed she told me my newborn would suffer or not survive. And from that point forward, I wanted nothing to do with her religious beliefs.

That is why I refuse to let her do anything to our home. She cried and threw a fit. My husband is mad at me because he thinks it is harmless to humor her.

He doesn’t believe in her religion but he wants to do whatever we can to appease her. And I will not because it is nonsense. And I will never forgive or forget her telling me my newborn would not live.

Who does that?

Am I the jerk for not giving in?

Edit: I just want to say that I have no issues with her belief that it was just the home blessing. I was fully on board and kept an open mind at first.

She blessed our first home and I sprinkled the water with a straight face while my husband stabbed at spirits with his sword. Weird but harmless. I did it.

BUT then my oldest was born.

I was a new mom with a tiny baby that I didn’t know how to take care of. I had a million things to worry about. And instead of reassuring me, she told me that child would not survive because his crib was wrong.

And then on top of that, she tried to take the support of my parents away.

That is the moment where I had to draw the line. I can not accept the home blessing without also validating her belief that the monks can predict and prevent the future if things are done in specific ways.

That’s where I’m coming from. I refuse to hear anything related to my kids. So I have to refuse the home ritual as well. Because with one comes the other.

And yes, I will try to find out her religion and will report back for those that are curious.”

Another User Comments:

“You’re NTJ for saying you don’t want to hear her talking about your child dying.

But you also can’t reasonably tell her not to go to fortune readings about your kids or believe and do what she wants outside your home. You just don’t want or need to hear about it.

You are right to establish boundaries and your husband is wrong in saying she has to be appeased. But step back and don’t make this about trying to control her actions or beliefs, just how she interacts with you and your children.

If she respects those and doesn’t cause problems, then you should consider, if not forgiving her, then not getting in the way of your husband’s relationship with his mother.” Irish_Whiskey

Another User Comments:

“You know I almost said ‘no jerks here’ because the sword and bomb water was amusing and felt harmless.

Until you continued. NTJ. Your husband needs to handle his mother. Point, blank, period. Religion/religious practice is two answers of yes——not husband thinks it’s ok. I come from a diverse religious family (Muslim, Hindu, and southern Baptists—-they speak in tongues, roll in the floor, anoint doors in your home type).

You isolated her from her grandchild (rightfully). It only takes two seconds for her to determine you have some sort of spirit living in you that wants to harm everyone. I wish I were exaggerating.

Would also get more information from my husband about what it is exactly your MIL practices. Some things are totally harmless/frustrating (the haircut argument when my son turned one) others can be not so easily dealt with.” Crow_Wife

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

Well done on setting boundaries.

But it sounds like she isn’t the kind of person to respect them, so please prepare yourself for the eventuality that she may very well ‘bless’ your home/kids or perform a ritual on them someday when you’re not home.

I agree that it would be very helpful for you to know the religion if only to communicate things properly to your kids as they grow older. As unsettling and inappropriate as her behavior is, it would still be better to tell your kids ‘grandma practices x, but we don’t’ than to say ‘grandma does stuff we don’t like, sorry I have no further details’.

This would not only teach them respect for other peoples’ religious preferences, which is a good thing in general despite the inappropriateness of her overbearing approach but will also help head things off in the past if she tries to convince them to convert/practice one day.

She’ll have a lot easier time convincing them to practice her religion if the kids have never heard about it before and want to please their grandma than if she starts doing ‘all those things mom warned us about and doesn’t agree with’, and it should help them understand they don’t have to just do those things because she asked.

If you don’t explain anything ahead of time, I’m guessing they will simply follow her lead — and maybe get very scared in the process, if she teaches it to them as brusquely as she did to you.” User

2 points (2 votes)
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Beenthruit 1 month ago
NTJ. Your MIL is nuts
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12. AITJ For Being Mad At My Friends For Not Telling That My Ex-Friend Was Coming?

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“About two weeks ago, a former friend, who I will call Casey (24F), and I (22F) ended our friendship. It wasn’t over one thing in particular, but we kept having small fights that eventually soured our entire friendship and we decided that it would be better off if we stopped talking.

Even though I cut contact with Casey, a lot of people in my friend group didn’t. I was ok with them still being friends with Casey as long as they knew that I was not comfortable being around her for now.

A few days ago, my friends and I decided to throw a small party to celebrate one of our friends, Caleb’s (22M) recent promotion at work. I knew that Caleb was still friends with Casey, but I thought that she wouldn’t be invited if he knew I was going.

When I got to the party, I saw that Casey was already there, talking with a few guests. When she spotted me, she leaned in closer to the people she was speaking with and started whispering about something that I couldn’t hear.

Everyone then looked at me and started laughing. This happened about two or three more times over the course of the entire party. I tried to ask a few people what they were laughing at, but I kept getting vague answers or got brushed off.

I got fed up, gave Caleb my congratulations, and decided to leave the party early.

The next day, I asked everyone in my friend group if they knew that Casey would be invited to the party, and they all replied that they did.

I asked why no one warned me that Casey would be there since they knew that her being there would hurt me. I was then told that it would’ve been selfish of me to not want Casey to be there since Caleb is still friends with Casey, and it was his celebration.

I said that it would’ve been fine if Casey was there, just that I would’ve liked to know first so that I could prepare myself or skip the party entirely. They said that it would’ve been rude of me to skip the party since it was for Caleb’s promotion and that they didn’t tell me Casey would be there because they knew that I’d want to skip.

I brought up the fact that I thought it was rude that Casey was talking about me throughout the entire party and no one told her to stop. Someone asked if I actually heard what Casey was saying, and I said no but I could assume from people’s reactions.

They said that since I wasn’t close enough to hear, I couldn’t know for sure if Casey was badmouthing me or not and that I probably only thought so because I have a bad history with Casey.

I was told that I was blowing things out of proportion and that I shouldn’t make everything about me. I was kicked out of the friend group after that. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ

Your so-called friends, including Caleb, are friends with Casey.

You should have anticipated that Casey would be at the party.

Honestly, the people you are hanging out with don’t seem like good friends if they were indeed laughing at remarks made by Casey that were directed at you.

Without knowing what these people were saying, I can’t give a fair judgment. However; the fact that they readily kicked you out of their group should speak volumes about what they really think of you.

It’s not easy, but try making new friends.” Elmers_Wabbit

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You are allowed to not want to be around someone, especially if you find them to be toxic and hurtful (which her behavior seems to have been at your friend’s party).

Anyone who has had to cut someone toxic out of their lives should understand that, and sadly, unlike what most people are saying here (totally baffled on this one), it isn’t limited to just high school.

Especially since you weren’t demanding that Casey couldn’t come, but instead saying that you would have removed yourself from a toxic situation (and you could have celebrated your friend’s promotion another time). This wasn’t a once-in-a-lifetime event where you should just suck it up, it’s a party to celebrate a promotion.

This is not life or death, and the people suggesting that you would have been out of bounds for not attending likely wouldn’t have said that if you had to work or had family in town or a million different things.

They are only saying that because they don’t want to deal with your boundaries, and that’s not okay.

That said, it sounds like this group of friends has chosen sides instead of making allowances for your mental well-being.

No one enjoys being the butt of the joke, especially when they aren’t included and there’s obvious pointing and laughing. You are trying to take care of yourself and drawing a boundary and weren’t allowed to because your friends have taken Casey’s side.

These people aren’t your friends. Real friends make allowances for this sort of thing, and not wanting to go to a place where you will be derided is not immature. Boundaries are very adult and mature things to have.

I’m sorry that the group of people you thought were your friends turned out to not have your best interests at heart. I hope you can find people who will care for you in the way you deserve.

These people ain’t it.” prplmonky

Another User Comments:

“YTJ for expecting your friends to pick sides and you obviously feel like you’re a natural choice. Instead, your friends (wrongly) assumed that at your age that two people should be able to share the same space for a few hours for the sake of a celebration.

We all have people that we don’t particularly like but most grown-ups put on their big boy pants in situations like this and act cordially. The party wasn’t even anything remotely related to you yet you somehow how made yourself the center of attention.

You owe your friend an apology for spoiling his celebration and making a scene (so does your ex-friend but that’s on her conscience).” woodenpickle17

Another User Comments:

“Both YTJ & NTJ

YTJ for thinking Casey wouldn’t be there if she’s friends with Caleb too.

You should have prepared yourself.

But NTJ for being uncomfortable & leaving early. It’s obvious Casey was talking about you if she was looking at you, leaving in & whispering & everyone laughed while looking at you.

You need to always prepare yourself to have thicker skin around her, stand up to ‘your friends’, and tell them how obvious it was that she was talking about you & they didn’t stand up for you by telling her to stop.

(This is what adults do when 2 people of the same group aren’t friends anymore. Them saying you didn’t hear her so you don’t know what she said, is reason enough as long as she was acting as blatant as you said.).” Pixiedust027

2 points (2 votes)
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11. AITJ For Thinking Of Banning My Father And Stepmom From My Graduation?

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“I don’t have a good relationship with my father. We tried, but every time he ends up disappointing me. Now that I’m an adult, I decided to ignore him when he annoys me because I don’t have to respect his rules.

I was his only child for almost 20 years, and now he has a baby, my brother, and I love him.

My dad promised me that he was going to pay for my college tuition, and expenses because he wanted me to concentrate fully on my studies.

That ended up being a nightmare. I have to remind him like 100 times for him to pay for stuff, he told me he was giving me funds on specific days and ended up giving me the money 5-10 days later.

It was funds that I was using to transport to the campus and eat there because I had an intense schedule, so I ended up not eating for most of my major because the funds I had left from the transportation funds weren’t enough to eat during those 5-10 days.

My mom helped me, but I rarely asked her because she was paying our home’s mortgage.

I got a scholarship because I worked in a department in college, so he stopped paying my college tuition like 3 years ago.

My stepmother (they got married like 4-5 years ago) believes everything he says, and he paints himself as the best father. If I try to say otherwise, she tells me I have to stop thinking about the past because he changed (he didn’t).

Now, since my brother’s birth, I decided to leave our differences aside because I want to be part of his life. I’m graduating next week, it’s a major deal for me. A family member sent me a message congratulating me on my graduation and telling me that she was super happy that my father paid for my entire college.

I was like: what do you mean? He paid for two years, I’ve been paying it for 3 years. She told me that my father told everyone that he bought my mother’s house, that he’s been paying my full college tuition and giving me funds for my expenses, but he told her that she was giving me a different amount, he told her that he was giving me and mother $1500, which is not true, he gives me $300 per month.

I’m done with their lies and manipulations. I told my mom and friends that I don’t want him and his wife to attend my graduation because they are making it about themselves and that I don’t care if they already have their expensive clothes to attend the event.

My mom agreed with me, but some of my friends are calling me a jerk because of the short notice… So… am I the jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. He has painted himself as the perfect dad when he really didn’t support you.

Even during the 2 years he paid for your schooling, you had to remind him to pay for the things he committed to and you often went hungry. For him to lie to your family about what he did not do for you and your mother is next level.

Your stepmother likely knows the ugly truth about her husband, but obviously doesn’t think that his behavior is a big deal because it hasn’t affected her or her son. Hopefully, he doesn’t pull the same crap with your little brother years from now.” Ok-Poem2624

Another User Comments:

“Whatever you decide to do, it’s going to affect your relationship with your little sibling.

But if you do nothing, it’s going to be more of the same as far as his treatment if you and his ‘bragging’ are based upon lies.

If I were you, I wouldn’t go nuclear.

You’ll never see your sibling again without added pressure from extended family. That wouldn’t be easy.

You got the truth about what your dad has been portraying to the family from one person. Are they trusted or are they drama-mongers? Do you have a trusted person on your dad’s side? Someone that you can tell the real story to so that they can tell you the current narrative he’s spinning? Then you can decide how to proceed.

Because this does not get easier as you get older and you don’t want to deal with this nonsense 5/10/20 years more down the road. It just breeds resentment and can boil over at really inopportune times.

This might be one of those times. My suggestion (not that you asked, but here you go anyway) is that you bask in the glory of your achievement. Limit the time you have to spend with them, but make credible excuses (it’s a busy time and it is YOUR moment, after all).

When the celebrations are all over, think about how you want to handle it. Confrontation? Let the truth slip to relatives? Confide in one? Up to you and no one can blame you for it (some still will).

Sorry that you’re dealing with this. I will say that almost all of life’s big moments have drama. It’s how you choose to handle them and whether you are okay with that decision that matters.

No true judgment, but absolutely NTJ for feeling upset.” Ladygytha

2 points (2 votes)
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mima 1 month ago
Ntj and I'd make sure EVERYONE knows he's a liar.
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10. AITJ For Being A "Controlling Partner"?

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“I (22F) have been with my partner (22M) for just over two and a half years now and we have been living together for a few months. I have a driving license and my own car and have done since 2019 but my partner doesn’t.

As we met online; initially there was a distance between us (approx. an hour round trip) and I was always the one who made that drive between each of our houses since the very first time we met.

Only once has his mum ever helped with driving him to my house to see me and that is still the case to this day.

None of his friends have their licenses either and the only one who does has a motorbike which naturally means it limits him when it comes to taking passengers.

Throughout our entire relationship, I have been the one to drive either him, his friends, or his family places 99.9% of the time, with only a handful of occasions where this hasn’t been the case.

Once I went as far as to do a three-hour-plus round trip driving to help out his mum and his sister and his sister’s family get shopping and go between all of their houses also.

Just to add both his mum and sister have cars of their own that could’ve been used instead of mine.

I am always the one who takes my partner to his friend’s houses or his friends to our house.

It seems as though they don’t even attempt to arrange their own transport anymore, as my partner always tells them it’s okay because I can pick them up/drop them off, always without asking me first.

He only mentions this to me after he’s made the arrangements with everyone and then if I do anything other than be in complete agreement, he becomes angry and acts as though I’m being selfish or purposely trying to ruin his plans and creating a horrible environment in the home.

The cost of living is bad enough as it is and at the peak of driving everyone around, I could spend £250 upwards on petrol a month. This isn’t something I can afford especially not recently, as I have been off sick after a life-threatening medical condition that left me hospitalized and I have been relying on barely a third of my usual minimum wage through sick pay to get by.

I know he has made plans tomorrow to see two of his friends, both of which live on two different sides of our city and I already know his expectation is that I will be going to pick them both up and then drop them both off afterward and it’s not really something I want to do.

I’m already hosting them all in my home (which is another thing that hasn’t been discussed with me first) and I’ve already had my tank drained just yesterday by taking him to see a different friend who lives a two-hour-plus round trip away from us.

I don’t want him to get angry at me if I refuse but I also don’t want to seem like the stereotypical ‘controlling partner’ as I would be the only thing standing in the way of him being able to see his friends due to being the only one with a license and causing their plans to cancel last minute.

AITJ?

Edit: sometimes on rare occasions his friends or mum may give some gas funds but definitely not enough to cover what I’m using. I will add that although my partner can get angry in the situations mentioned above, in every other area of our relationship things are amazing.

He treats me perfectly and after I was discharged out of the hospital he waited on me hand and foot to make sure I had everything I needed and to give me painkillers every 4 hours on the dot.

I think I have a very distorted idea of relationships as I grew up with a very abusive and controlling dad and my only other relationship was a very controlling one. I realized maybe the issue is much deeper than simply what the post itself was about and more so looking into seeking help and having those conversations, not only regarding this issue but with my own self-esteem and confidence also.

I’ve just always grown up believing in doing anything for those you love and I suppose that attitude has blinded me to when I am in fact just being a doormat for other people.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

He can study and get his license. You are off work sick and are not making the usual amount. Tell him you are sick, don’t feel like driving, and don’t have the petrol.

It’s concerning that he gets angry at you if you don’t do everything he planned and without ever asking you.

This sounds abusive. Do you actually think that you’re being controlling because you don’t want to haul him and his family & friends around, while being sick and without being asked?

He sounds like the selfish and controlling one honestly.” Selenite_Moon

Another User Comments:

“What are you doing to yourself? Tell him that you’ll help him get a license, but you’re not his chauffeur, nor are you a free Lyft/Uber/whatever ride share.

Controlling? No, this is called self-respect. And an expectation that your partner is your partner. You are not his mum, his chauffeur, his secretary, or whatever.

Is this the person you want to be with – even for a year?

NTJ but you will be to yourself if you don’t figure this out.

You’re both young, so maybe if you give him a boot in the butt (expectation-wise, don’t actually kick him in his butt) he’ll grow up. Or maybe it’s better to cut your losses – the fact that you think you’d be ‘controlling’ for not acquiescing to his very unreasonable demands means that you are not the controlling one.” Ladygytha

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

Don’t worry about being a controlling partner.

Worry about being a doormat. You don’t want to do something but you do it anyway? Don’t be that person.

Quit treating your partner like a boy and start treating him like a man so he will act like one.

Assume he can take care of his own transportation. you aren’t his babysitter.

Also, assume he understands when you set a boundary and stand by it. Relationships are a partnership. You can’t do all the work and walk on eggshells around him. Why expect so little from him?” sansansa56

2 points (2 votes)
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Beenthruit 1 month ago
NTJ. Dump this loser
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9. WIBTJ If I Don't Tell My Dad That I'm Not His Son?

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“I (24F) took a DNA test last month and it came back that I had 96% Chinese in my results. My mom is Chinese and my dad is Korean but there was no Korean in the test.

I know these tests aren’t especially accurate but I thought it was interesting and shared it with my mom, intending to also share it with my dad. My mom got really nervous and told me not to share it with him yet.

I wasn’t sure why but agreed and last week she gave me the details of a sperm bank she had used. She told me when she was trying to conceive but she couldn’t and my dad blamed her.

She said he was infertile but refused to get himself checked believing it wasn’t possible he was sterile. His parents (my grandparents) tried to get him to divorce her and my mom had very little formal education or way to support herself and got herself pregnant via a sperm donor.

I know my dad wouldn’t be the type of man who would believe he was at fault for something and my grandparents don’t like my mom anyway so they probably were happy she chouldn’t conceive.

I asked her if my sister was also a sperm donor and she confirmed she was but not the same one. I was shocked by the news but not super upset about it. My parents are good to me and I feel loved.

The dates lined up to when I probably was conceived and the documents look authentic (and old) but there’s no real way to prove what my mom said is true. Assuming it is WIBTJ for not telling my dad?

I don’t think it’s a betrayal of him seeing as my mom used a sperm donor and she is still a great wife to him.

But in our culture, if the children aren’t the father’s even if it’s via sperm donor knowingly or not it’s a big deal. Passing on your line to your genetic children is always preferred to even adoption.

I’m less sure about my sister who’s 4 years younger than me (20F) and how she will take the news. I want to tell her but I don’t know how she will respond.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, because you telling him would just cause chaos but honestly your dad being an insecure ass and your grandparents being jerks is still less jerk-ish to me than your mom lying about conceiving children with your dad and manipulating a man into raising kids that aren’t his, knowing he would have an issue with it, rather than just getting a divorce because it would negatively impact her life.

That’s real slimy to me.” MonkeyDDeclan

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

Not everything needs to be told. You know why your mom did it. I personally think your dad and his family are complete jerks for their reaction to her not getting pregnant but I understand the cultural pressures.

It would hurt everyone to tell, and it doesn’t seem it would hurt anyone not to.

Despite the cultural ideas about who is or isn’t your child, it doesn’t matter. Trust, there will have been many, many, many such cases throughout history and those who never knew and never cared.

What does it really matter if you’re not genetically his?

Your parents love you, you love them. Unless you want to throw it in his face, why tell?” Left-Car6520

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

Actually YWBTJ for telling him, and this could even place your mother in danger.

What she just disclosed to you is a history of mistreatment: her husband blaming her for infertility, refusing to get checked out (though as it turns out, the problem probably was his), leveraging his family against her, and threatening divorce because she couldn’t magically impregnate herself.” Sweeper1985

1 points (1 votes)
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mima 1 month ago
Please keep this to yourself.
1 Reply

8. AITJ For Getting My Daughter's Curly Hair Cut Too Short?

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“I (f30) am a first-time mother to my daughter, Cindy (f4), who is raised solely by me and my husband (m31).

Both I and my husband have curly hair so it was no surprise that Cindy also has curly, thick hair.

Her hair type is 3A (well-defined and springy curls that have a loopy, s-shaped pattern).

Obviously, Cindy’s hair needs lots of tender loving care but for the past 4ish months, she won’t let me touch her hair without a battle.

She hates having her hair brushed, she hates me washing her hair, she hates me applying any product to it and she hates having it styled.

I’ve tried and tried but it’s always a very stressful situation and Cindy will scream and cry and kick and it’s just too much.

I’ve gotten my husband to try and Cindy won’t let him touch her hair either.

I’ve decided to throw in the towel and get Cindy’s hair cut shorter so that we don’t have to spend so much time battling with her over haircare.

I took her to the salon and got her hair cut into a short bob, as her hair was due to be cut anyway. Cindy was hesitant at first but doesn’t seem to mind the change.

A few days afterward she even said she wants hair like the hairdresser when she’s a grown-up (the hairdresser had a pixie cut). I told Cindy if she still wants that hairstyle when it’s time to get her hair cut again, she can have that hairstyle.

However at school, kids have been making fun of Cindy and saying that she looks like a boy, and she’s been asking not to go to school. I talked to the principal and she was very apologetic and promised to sort it out, and the teasing has stopped since.

My husband’s parents, however, think we’re bad parents for getting Cindy’s hair cut short and said that it’s our responsibility to look after her so what we did was unreasonable. Some of my siblings have been saying similar stuff and said that we should’ve thought the decision through as kids who look different get picked on.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

They’re freaking out because ‘girls are supposed to have long hair’.

It’s nonsense. Cindy has hair that is incredibly difficult to manage and she’s fighting you on it. Why put yourselves through all that stress and turmoil over… HAIR?!

Cindy loves her shorter cut, it’s easier for all of you.

When she’s older and can manage her hair better, then she can decide to have it long again. It’s no one’s business what you do with Cindy’s hair. That’s between Cindy and her parents ONLY.” hazelnuddy

Another User Comments:

“I do not think what you did is unreasonable.

Her long hair was a struggle to maintain, not only for you but also for her. You removed this constant battle around doing her hair, by cutting it shorter. This allowed you to spend less time maintaining it, which turned out to be more comfortable for the both of you, something your daughter is not able to consider yet at her age.

Also: your daughter was happy with it. She was teased for it for a little bit, but you also stepped up and protected her from that by going to the principal.

I honestly think you did nothing wrong and your in-laws are not seeing it did both you and your daughter a favor.

NTJ.” Apprehensive-Pen-531

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Cindy is your child. Your child seems to be happy with the haircut. Some kids just hate having their hair messed with. For my 3 -year-old daughter, I struggle with the hair and cleaning the ears.

Doctors have a hard time looking at her ears, nose, and throat. Kids can be picky like that, and you did what was easiest.

As for your daughter being picked on, kids are mean, and we live in a society where women with short hair are looked down upon.

There are too much expectations for female appearance. Your family needs to realize that this is your child, your choice. As long as Cindy is happy, who cares what others think? Glad you got the bullying sorted out, and I bet Cindy is beautiful with short hair.” Temporary_Garage_479

1 points (1 votes)
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Beenthruit 1 month ago
NTJ and the inlaws have issues. Girls can have hair any length they want AND they aren't the ones battling with her to wash, brush and style it
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7. AITJ For Not Letting My Partner Borrow Funds?

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“My partner and I have been together for 4 years, and do not live together. We plan to move in together next June, to my place. My partner has her own apartment with roommates.

My partner texted me this morning in a panic, saying somehow her bank account got really low and she doesn’t have enough for rent. She did just pay her tuition, and with prices going up, I know it’s been harder for her to save up a budget.

She is currently an intern at her company and doesn’t make much. I work full-time at an IT company.

She asked me if I could possibly lend her $700 for her rent until her payday on the 14th, and she would pay me back in 2 installments.

I told her no, and that that was a lot of funds I don’t feel comfortable giving my partner. I’m not tight for funds or anything, but I just didn’t feel comfortable giving funds to a significant other.

She never texted me back, so I called her at lunch and she told me not to bother because she just asked her mom.

But she said she was a little upset with me, and felt kind of sad that I wouldn’t lend her funds for one thing when she’s never asked me for anything before.

She said she realizes that $700 is a lot of funds, but she doesn’t understand why I just flat out refused her, after being together for 4 years. I told her I wanted to marry her and she argued that you should want to help out someone you’re thinking of marrying.

I told her I just don’t feel comfortable giving out funds to anyone, and she yelled at me about calling her ‘Just anyone’ and hung up the phone.

AITJ?

My partner asked me for $700 for rent and promised to pay me back in two installments for rent.

I refused and she is mad because she feels like I don’t care about her.”

Another User Comments:

“In this specific scenario, I think YTJ.

You are with her for 4 years and you alleged that you want to marry her but you won’t loan her 700 when you know she is struggling financially.

She is right, she is not just anyone, she is your partner for 4 years and possibly your future wife, however, I would expect that to not necessarily be the case because she came to you for help and support and you just said no.

If you cannot trust her to pay you back $700 then you should not be with you. Even if you lent her $700 and she did not pay you back. Then you would end the relationship and any normal person would say 4 years cost me $700 oh well.

I would not be surprised at all if she ends things with you over this. Yes, it is a lot of funds. Yes, it is your money to do with. but you turned your relationship from one of love, security, and support to this are mine and not yours.

She will remember this for years, if not decades if you stay together. I am sorry but I think if you have the funds you should have lent it or, at the minimum suggested she moves in with you early and you take care of all the expenses until she is done with school and has a good-paying job.” ElephantNecessary366

Another User Comments:

“YTJ – After 4 yrs, planning to move in together, and you want to marry her…

then you say you won’t loan funds to anyone? What do you think is going to happen when you move in together… or what is your idea of marriage? Your spouse is your life partner they are supposed to be that one person on earth you can depend on when you’re at your lowest.

You admit to having the funds. I don’t know if my husband needed funds to cover his mortgage I’d be happy to lend him the funds.

It’s one thing if you just don’t have the funds but you do.

It sounds like you don’t trust her. I had to borrow $8700 for termite extermination on my house and we had been together for less than a year. He didn’t bat an eye and it wasn’t something as serious as rent funds.

It could have waited… I paid him back in full a few weeks later. We trust each other.” _iron_butterfly_

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. Unless she’s shown you she’s bad with finances or untrustworthy I don’t understand why you wouldn’t lend her the funds.

She’s your partner of 4 years! You claim to want to marry her which would legally make you a couple and as a result combined your finances and make your assets marital ones. Yet you wouldn’t trust her with $700?

You treated her like she’s no one special to you and not someone you trust.

Now she should be questioning whether you are someone she can rely on in a crunch, whether you’d support her through difficult times in life and if she should partner with you to make a life together.

I could understand if you hadn’t been together long if the money was something frivolous if you didn’t have that kind of funds or if she had shown herself to be untrustworthy but you’ve not mentioned anything. If you have a good reason why you felt this way you’d better tell her.” Exciting-Pension9416

1 points (1 votes)
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ankn 1 month ago
If you can afford to lose $700, give it to her. If she pays you back, terrific! If she doesn't pay you back, dump her and be grateful. She showed you what you were getting into before it was too late.
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6. AITJ For Not Paying My Phone Bill?

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“I (19f) joined my partner’s family’s phone plan back in July. (I was originally on my father’s plan, but my phone was always off because he isn’t responsible with finances). Since I joined their plan we all received free phones as long as we followed the contract.

To clear things up my partner (20m) and his mother/sister live in the same apartment complex but in two different apartments, but they come and go as they please. About two months ago I started to notice whenever they came by, my stuff would be moved around in his room, my clothes would be hidden behind the oven and I always got a side eye if we were in the same room.

I just ignored it but it started to get more intense. When I told my partner what was going on we bought a lock for his bedroom and kept the door locked whenever we left the apartment.

Two weeks later as we were running some errands, my music randomly stopped. I thought that was odd, but I ignored it. Then I tried to make a call and realized that something was wrong with my service.

I restarted my phone and tried again. Nothing worked, so my partner called his sister to try and find the problem. ‘It must be a problem on the service provider’s side’ is all she said, but I’ve dealt with this a lot whenever my father wouldn’t pay the phone bill.

We decided to call the phone provider and they explain to us that my phone was removed from the service earlier that day by the phone plan owner (Sil) but there was no reason as to why.

We called them back and explain what was said when we called the providers, but my MIL and SIL denied everything.

A week ago I was finally able to get my new number and was able to join my brother’s phone plan.

Yesterday his sister called him and asked for my half of the phone bill, but I said no. I’m not paying my part of the bill because they took me off within the first week of the month while trying to be malicious.

Since they broke the contract while removing me from the phone bill, they will also have to pay fees and pay for my actual phone with each monthly payment, but I will also refuse to give back the phone and pay the fees since it wasn’t my doing.

AITJ?

Edit: I paid $438 between the new phone number, joining the phone plan, and all of the activation fees. I also gave sil $108 the first month for my part of the bill, but after calling the phone providers I was informed the bill should’ve been $37 per person.

I feel like I shouldn’t have to return the phone since I kept up with my part of the agreement.

Felt like I should add that everyone on the phone plan received a free phone and two free hot spots because I was the 5th person to join (As a deal).”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, they caused this.

Legally you may be obligated to pay for the phone and would owe them for the week of service. However, you were overcharged to start with and they caused you to undo distress and inconvenience.

This is their mess, but they still have access to your home. Bad situation!

You should probably find out the cost of the phone, minus the $108 you already gave them, and make monthly payments till the phone is paid off.

Also, you and your partner should change the locks.

If you pay them for the phone, use a check. So you can prove you legally paid for it.” kityderry-

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here – them for their actions, you for not paying for the phone.

I’m surprised you were able to use the phone on a different plan. You need to pay for the phone. The phone is ‘free’ if you were part of the contract, but you’re not part of the contract anymore.

So you need to cough up some funds. By the way, you do realize that they can report the phone stolen since it was purchased on their contract and your phone will get turned off, right? Regardless of how you were able to activate it on a different plan.” NotShockedFruitWeird

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – you didn’t break the contract SIL did, so she can come up with the extra payments, or HER phone will get disconnected – now that’s some real KARMA happening there! And if they report the phone stolen your defense is that it was given to you, which it was because at the time it was given it was a FREE phone.

She decided to terminate service and break the contract, not you, so she owes the cost of the phone.” Miserable-Audience33

Another User Comments:

“You (19f) are an adult. Get your own plan! NTJ for refusing to pay the phone bill, but everyone sucks here for mixing up finances just to try to save a few bucks.

I hope you’ve learned a valuable lesson that it’s always better to take care of yourself and make your own decisions. You lost far more in control than you gained in dollars. If it was me I’d factory reset the phone, hand it back to them, and walk away from all of them including your partner.” Pentdecag0n

0 points (0 votes)
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mima 1 month ago
Ntj keep the phone
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5. AITJ For Not Letting My Family See My Kids?

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“My daughter asked to go snorkeling with the family for her birthday as her dad took them in the summer and she really enjoyed it. Every year my ex and I let our kids pick what they want to do on their birthday and we never say no.

I’m going through a very nasty and hostile divorce with my ex and I would rather not be around him right now, especially not abroad, but I know how rough this has been on the kids so I’m not willing to say no.

My family has been trying to convince me that I’m making a huge mistake and that I should either tell her my ex can’t come or I shouldn’t go. I’ve told them no repeatedly and I thought they had finally dropped it but my daughter came to me crying while we were having dinner with my family because my sister and dad had tried to convince her to do something different for her birthday without her dad.

I took my kids home immediately and I’ve not let anyone in my family see them since even though they’ve been asking to. My sister called me yesterday and we had a fight because I told her she can’t see them and that I didn’t care when she told me I was hurting our parents by keeping my kids away from them.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“Absolutely NTJ.

Too many parents are deadbeats. It sounds like your ex is trying to be a good dad (or at least, he’s succeeded enough in the past that his daughter wants to spend time with him), and even though you 2 adults are going through a tough situation, you’re trying to let him be a good parent.

What your family is doing to you and her is toxic. Tell them to shut up about him, good or bad. Let him make his own bed. They need to be there for YOU, to support YOU in this crisis.

They’re not there to tell you what an idiot you were/are, or how ‘I always knew I didn’t like that man’ or how he’s the devil incarnated.” GAKDragon

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here. Your family overstepped by going directly to your kids.

They shouldn’t have. However ask yourself if there isn’t a chance that you two could ruin her birthday by going on this trip together, given the nasty divorce. I applaud families that not only are great co-parents but that can actually enjoy time together, but I can’t imagine that being the case right now for you.

Divorce sucks for all parties involved, and unfortunately, children will eventually learn that the family is no longer the same.” albrcanmeme

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

You are going through something rough and trying to make your kids feel ‘normal’ or like everything is/will be okay.

You are doing great. Your family should be supporting you in this by telling you that you are doing great, offering to let you vent, or offering you company so you don’t feel isolated (like bringing your sister on this trip with you as a buffer, for example).

Instead, they are creating actual harm to your child by trying to drive a wedge in her relationship with her dad, where you are trying your hardest to close any gap at all.

Your family has now shown that they can’t be trusted to be a safe place for your daughter and they will not listen to your decisions regarding your children.

Until they can fully apologize and articulate that they know they were wrong and WHY they were wrong, you can’t leave your children alone with them.” mfruitfly

Another User Comments:

“You’re angry because you’re thinking about your daughter.

But your sister and parents are thinking about you.

If you know your daughter is trying to create a situation for the family to get back together then YTJ. If you’re giving your daughter any hope that you’ll get back together with dad then YTJ.

If you’re unaware of any of the above happening then NTJ. Just so you’re aware though, it would be healthier for you to not be around your ex and healthier to explain to your daughter yourself why you shouldn’t be. Show her you’re strong and create boundaries with her dad. You never know what he’s saying to her behind your back.” Kareberrys

0 points (2 votes)
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Beenthruit 1 month ago
NTJ. Your family needs to stay out of your business
2 Reply

4. AITJ For Going On A Vacation Before My Daughter Gives Birth?

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“My daughter ‘Amara’ (22F) recently had her first child. I missed the birth and a lot of drama has gone down since.

Amara had a difficult pregnancy pretty much from the beginning. Around the 28-week mark, the doctor said she may be able to make it to 40 weeks, but there’s a chance she could deliver early.

We (myself, husband, eldest daughter ‘Katie’ (25F), Amara, and son) all had a trip planned to an island around the time Amara would be 36 weeks pregnant. When the doctor told us she may not make it to 40 weeks, Amara chose to stay home so as to not risk going into labor on the island.

A little backstory: the father of Amara’s baby isn’t in the picture. She’s doing this alone. The plan was for me to be in the delivery room to support her. She asked me to please stay home from the trip.

I said I’d go but come home if anything changed. Katie decided to stay home with her. My husband and our son headed off on our trip.

Well, then the hurricane hit, and all ferries were suspended.

That same day, Amara went into labor. We were stuck, with no way of getting back to her. Katie was by Amara’s side as she gave birth. There were further complications but thankfully both she and the baby are okay!

I got home a few days later and got to meet my granddaughter.

Amara barely looked at me. The original plan was for me to stay at her place for a couple of weeks to help her adjust but she told me not to bother. She said she asked me not to go for this very reason, saying she really needed me and I put a vacation above her.

Katie is now staying with her and is also mad at me, saying Amara was so scared and could’ve not survived. I pointed out I tried to come back and couldn’t have predicted the hurricane.

They both said I still chose to go and even if I had rushed back on a ferry, I’d still likely have missed it. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ

You knew Ian was coming and arrived 5 days before it hit.

You did prioritize the vacation, it wasn’t 3 months before, just mere weeks before the due date. You didn’t even evacuate as it got closer for your own safety or to ensure you would be there for the birth.

Of course, the frickin ferries were suspended when the hurricane hit. I can’t believe that is the excuse you are using.

In all honesty, you knew the hurricane was coming, you knew there was a risk of being stuck and you didn’t care.” McflyThrowaway01

Another User Comments:

“YTJ because you are failing to own up to your actions.

You didn’t have to be her support person but offered (or agreed) to do so. So booking a vacation in the final month of her pregnancy after agreeing to be her support system wasn’t responsible under the best of circumstances.

But these weren’t the best. The doctor said she was unlikely to make it to 40 weeks. Not to mention she was high risk so even making it didn’t mean problem-free in the last month.

You knew a hurricane was coming. It hit as expected and where expected so I’m sorry but it was a foreseeable consequence. You chose to put yourself in a position where you knew (or should have known) you’d be unavailable to your daughter in the final weeks of her high-risk pregnancy.

Don’t make excuses. You decided the vacation was worth risking failing to be there for her. It was your choice, own it. And respect the fact that your choices and actions have consequences.

If you weren’t prepared to make sacrifices to ensure you would be available then you should have simply told her you weren’t an option for the support person.

It’s fine if you aren’t willing to sacrifice and schedule around someone else but you shouldn’t let them think you will so they aren’t looking elsewhere for help.” angel2hi

Another User Comments:

“YTJ

You prioritized a vacation over YOUR CHILD and GRANDCHILD.

You keep giving excuses, but none of them are very good.

You were told she would likely go into labor early. You knew there would possibly be complications. Don’t claim you didn’t realize it was a possibility because it’s unbelievable that you would think that.

Plus, you were ASKED to stay.

You said that you thought your daughter was in the clear after 30 weeks. What kind of backward logic is that? If anything it should have let you know that labor could have started at any moment.

Unless you lived under a rock for the last few weeks, you would have known the hurricane was incoming. You saying you couldn’t predict it when hurricanes are one of the most predictable weather phenomena is silly.

People have been forecasting it for weeks. I’m in SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA and I knew. You could have also left well ahead of it hitting. And you had more than enough time to change your plans so don’t try to pull the ‘it was already planned!’ Or ‘I couldn’t have known!’ Excuses.

The most ludicrous to me is that you claim you were taking the vacation to give yourself some rest prior to helping with the baby for a few weeks. In the same breath, you admit you haven’t looked after a baby in 16 years.

Your daughter was frightened and needed your help and your go-to thought was – man I’m gonna need a vacation!

Finally, you refuse to accept the judgment. You’ve done nothing but give terrible excuses and nobody is buying them. Frankly speaking, I’d never trust you again if I was your daughter. You picked a vacation over her life. I’m glad she had her sister.” EdenAvalon

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mima 1 month ago
You should never have scheduled a vacation during someone's pregnancy. But NTJ for going.
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3. AITJ For Saying My Aunt Is Classless And Exposing Her Secret To The Family?

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“I (25f) have always been really close to my cousin, D (22m) He had a harder time growing up because his parents had some financial difficulties, he never went to bed hungry but they didn’t have many funds for luxuries.

My uncle met his wife in a strip club where she was dancing, no one in the family knows this, but she left that work when she got married. They have a business, which D works for, that struggled for years but was one of the businesses that became vital during the global crisis so things really turned around for them and they are making bank.

This means that a few months back my cousin could have had an amazing wedding and a 2-month long worldwide honeymoon. I was really happy for and proud of him.

I grew up solidly middle class, nothing lavish but we had some things that some would consider luxuries.

My parents, however, were not in a position to pay for college for me which I was chilled about and I got loans. I have been working for 2 years and I still live with my parents while I pay off the loans.

I, unfortunately, couldn’t get my masters because it wasn’t financially viable.

Last weekend was my birthday party and my cousin showed up without a gift. His wife made a comment, jokingly, about how they can’t afford anything after spending $X on their wedding.

None of this bothered me because gifts are not an expectation but my dad was visibly upset. I asked him about this and he opened a can of worms.

It turned out that I used to have a healthy college fund until my mom secretly lent it to my aunt and uncle to help save their business when I was 15.

The agreement was that as soon as they were able they would pay it back to my mom. They haven’t returned a dime. They have, in the last 3 years bought a second house, flown 1st class overseas twice, and paid for D’s wedding and honeymoon.

Their excuse is that I am done with college and their son works hard so he deserves it more.

My father got so annoyed at my aunt while relaying this to me that he decided to kick them out.

While trying to calm him down I said ‘we both know she only thinks about herself and D. If she had any class she wouldn’t dress like she’s still a dirty dancer.’ I was so preoccupied I didn’t realize that my entire family had quietly walked up with the candles lit, ready to sing to me and they heard everything…

My aunt left and has since sent my mom a message that we will never be seeing that funds as it is now compensation for her pain and suffering.

I didn’t mean to out her and be so rude.

I was dealing with a lot of emotions and shock over this, and I still am. My family doesn’t know why we were so angry so they just think I’m a jerk and I don’t want to tell them the whole story.

But I’m not sure if it’s excusable either way. So AITJ?

UPDATE and ANSWERS: My cousin asked me to meet him alone this morning. It turned out he knew nothing about it at all, his mom has been keeping it quiet.

He took this week to consult with a lawyer to figure out how much they owe.

He has also recently uncovered 2 things.

Firstly, the business has been evading tax so he is very glad we didn’t take legal action.

He has started the process to come clean and pay that back.

Secondly, she also borrowed funds from my grandparents, a decent amount, which she never paid back. They have since passed on so the lawyer said that amount will form part of the estate and will be owed between the 3 siblings.

My cousin offered to sell his house to pay in full immediately if need be but as an alternative, he and his lawyer have created a payment plan that would pay for my master’s immediately, they will take over my loan repayments immediately, once it is paid, they will continue paying my mom back monthly until the total is settled.

We will obviously be going with the plan where he doesn’t lose his home.

Despite my cousin and his lawyers seeming fair, they have both advised me to find my own lawyer for my mom’s interests and they have offered to pay for that also.

Because of the age of the loan and lack of effort to collect on my mom’s side, they could legally contest it, or some of it, but my cousin won’t be doing that.

My cousin apologized to me profusely and said that he wouldn’t ask me to keep this secret from the family but appreciated that I kept it to myself and hopes we can continue that as long as he upholds the agreement we made.

My cousin is an amazing human and we will work with him to try to make the impact of his mother’s actions on his life as little as possible while remaining fair.

And the best part of all of this was that he planned on giving me my gift after my party when we were alone because he didn’t want to steal my thunder.

It was a gift card and inside the envelope was a sonogram. I am going to be a godmother soon and I can’t wait.

THE ANSWERS:

The funds were in a savings account that was going to be used for my college costs.

It was in my mom’s name and so legally hers. She told my dad when I was applying for colleges, he’s known me for some time. I don’t know if it affected their relationship and don’t plan on asking.

She and my father have done little to get the funds back because she is not coping well with stress due to being sick.

My aunt was upset because I outed a 25-year-long lie, more so than people knowing her previous work.

I have apologized to her for what I said via text and have left it at that. I have yet to hear back from her. I have also confronted my prejudice against people with jobs like hers privately.

I won’t deny I have judged her because of it, it’s not something I am proud of.

This blew up at a bad time because my dad had overheard that my aunt is so proud of my cousin for moving out and living on his own at 22.

He just boiled over on my behalf.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

I think you are making a giant mistake not explaining the situation to your cousin and the rest of the family. Right now, unfairly, you look like a jerk and, while you understandably feel guilty for what you said, it should not be the reason not to clear the air.

Those two things are not mutually exclusive. You can apologize for what you said but also explain that you learned some shocking information and reacted at that moment.

It’s not right that you apologized while your aunt is getting away with taking your money and the opportunities that funds could have afforded you.

Bottom line – your aunt couldn’t have saved her business and earned everything she has without those funds your mom loaned her. Don’t ignore this over some misplaced guilt. That woman owes you and it’s the right thing for her to repay her debt.” AlannaAdvice

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here.

It’s awful that they’re not paying the money back. Unfortunately, it’s common knowledge that it’s best to always assume a loan between friends/family won’t be paid back. I think your parents should have known better to loan out your college fund.

Incredibly irresponsible of them. However, your language regarding your aunt was, itself, incredibly classless… I get that you were upset but it’s telling that those thoughts were even in your head. I hope they can get over it, though, and understand your frustration.

In my opinion, your parents owe you an apology for starting all of this by playing fast and loose with your college fund.” User

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. When you’re an awful person people will treat you in awful ways.

Failing to pay back that money when they have the means is essentially stealing from you. As for your cousin, he’s probably reeling from the fact that he has benefited from this theft and will either apologize or, more likely, try to justify it.

I concur with the other commenters that it’s time to seek legal counsel.

On another note, I think you mentioned that your mother is very sick but you do need to hold her responsible for her involvement in this.

She went behind your father’s back and gave away what sounds like a considerable amount of money and this has resulted in you taking out loans. She also failed to enforce the contract when the aunt and uncle became able to pay.

She’s done you a great disservice and pretty much funded their lifestyle at your expense. If it wasn’t for her medical condition I would tell you to go no contact until she remedies the situation but I know that would be very difficult under the circumstances.” Boomshrooom

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here.

So your cousin, who has nothing to do with this, as he was 12 when all of this happened, didn’t get you a gift so you and your parents decided to talk about him and his mother behind their backs? At a party? And you called her classless? Do you guys not have any mirrors?

You don’t diss someone’s job.

You just don’t. You treat a waiter, a garbage man, a physician, a lawyer, and a homeless person, with respect. And the fact you brought it up just to insult her after over 20 years? Major jerk.

And it wasn’t your aunt who got into your college funds; it was your parents’ decision to lend so much funds, and out of YOUR college funds without talking to you. It was a risk THEY took concerning YOUR future.

And they should sort it out with your uncle and aunt and a lawyer, not just talk behind their back with you like three doormats.

Your aunt and uncle are jerks for not paying back. Your parents are jerks for taking money out of your funds without consulting you. And you are a jerk for the classless comment.” Looweezah

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Beenthruit 1 month ago
NTJ. Your aunt is a money hungry narcissist
1 Reply

2. AITJ For Trying To Haggle For A Bacon-Wrapped Hotdog?

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“I (30m) went to a concert last night with my partner (26f). As I should have expected the food prices were crazy expensive. Like $18 for two street tacos is expensive. So I said not a problem because there will be a million bacon-wrapped hotdog vendors waiting outside after the concert ends.

The concert ends and sure enough, there are bacon-wrapped hotdogs everywhere. Sweet. Now for the last 12 years of my acquaintance with these tasty street dogs, the price has been $5. So I was a little shocked when I marched up to the first vendor and asked how much and they said $10.

This seems like such a crazy price to ask for a hot dog that I said thanks but no way that’s too expensive and kept walking. Went a little further and asked again how much.

She said $8 to which I responded ‘will you do $5?’ which in my mind is a completely fair price but since I was hungry I probably would have been willing to meet somewhere in the middle.

I didn’t have a chance to complete negotiations for the dog because some random guy who was also leaving the concert loudly exclaimed ‘come on dude what are you doing?’ As he walked by promptly ending the negotiation as the emboldened hot dog lady said ‘no’ and that was that.

So as I walk away I say to the guy ‘dude I was just haggling.’ He responds ‘you don’t do that dude. Not here’ which really didn’t make sense to me. So I said ‘it’s really not your business’ to which he responds ‘yes it is those are my friends.’ Again this doesn’t really make sense to me as he’s clearly leaving the concert and I find it hard to believe that he happens to be friends with all 100 hot dog vendors outside.

So I just say ‘well if they’re your friends, you go pay them $8 for a hot dog. They have a right to charge what they want and I have a right to not buy one if the price is too high’,

His SO sort of shuffled him away and I look over at my SO who is now fuming.

She said I ruined a good night by getting into it with this guy and basically that I’m a jerk and should have just ignored him. I told her that the interaction hadn’t made me mad or upset whatsoever and definitely didn’t ruin my night (besides putting a damper on my plan to acquire a bacon-wrapped hot dog at a reasonable price).

I was just standing up for myself and hadn’t been aggressive or anything to the guy, who I think really overstepped his bounds.

But the whole thing clearly upset her and we ended up getting into a big argument because I felt like I did nothing wrong and that as long as I wasn’t being overly rude she should be in my corner.

She said that I’m a jerk for even engaging with the dude.

So am I the jerk?

Edit: Just to clarify I wasn’t inside the concert at one of the official venue food vendors. It also wasn’t a food truck with posted prices.

If people aren’t familiar, in LA whenever there is an event there will be a bunch of people who set up little under-the-table hot dog stands outside on the sidewalk. There were literally 100 of them and none had lines.

My partner didn’t have an issue with the haggling but everyone’s definitely making me feel like a bit of a cheap jerk for asking if they would do $5.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. $8 is too much for a hotdog like, gosh…

This is why I eat before concerts and avoid eating anything at the concert because the prices inside are just insane, $5 is more than reasonable.

As for the SO situation, while you did nothing wrong when dealing with the girl, the easiest way to avoid a fight is just to admit fault and apologize and move on.” Jaren_Starain

Another User Comments:

“YTJ.

Not sure where this happened, but haggling is not appropriate in most places. Inflation is up and demand for their product is up. So the cost goes up. Listening to the radio the other day, the DJ said that he was visiting New York and it started raining, he didn’t have an umbrella.

So he went to the street vendor to buy an umbrella- the sign said $7.95, but the vendor charged him $15. When the DJ pointed to the sign, the vendor said ‘not $7.95 when it’s raining, buddy’.

Two football teams play at the same stadium. It’s the same food and beer regardless of which team is playing. But the prices are higher for that same food when the winning team is playing.

Vendors set their own prices, and prices go up with inflation. The end.” beag_ach_dian

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Haggle away, my friend. As long as you’re ok with a no and don’t get annoyed about it it’s not a problem.

I imagine with so many vendors and so few customers (as you said, no lines) they would probably rather sell them for a little less than throw them away later unsold. When the market is saturated the prices go down.

Getting into it with a guy is a bit much and even if he did overstep it’s best to just walk away from that kind of stuff.” mmmkay938

Another User Comments:

“YTJ

The price is the price, it’s not a flea market.

Those under-the-table hot dog stands to post up outside a concert venue for a reason: so they can make bank on the people who didn’t plan ahead and get reasonably priced food elsewhere. You attempted to haggle with someone who had a price set for their wares for the evening.

If it’s not worth it to you, just move along. Clearly, it’s worth it to them to be there charging $8-$10 for cholesterol-wrapped dog food sausages.

Maybe next time exercise the 6P’s or just move along.” LetThemEatHay

-1 points (3 votes)
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1. AITJ For Walking Out In The Middle Of A Conversation?

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“I (18m) was talking to my dad and stepmother about the fact I had chosen to change my last name back to my original one. They married when I was 8 years old and at the time they wanted one family name, so my dad, sister, and I took her name because she had four kids with the same name as her vs the three of us.

Neither my sister nor I wanted to change our names. Our last name was both our mom’s and dad’s names. They’d shared a last name but were not related. So it was not just who we had been up to that point but it was something we shared with our mom who passed away when I was 6 and my sister was 5.

Our argument against it was shot down, however, because they told us it would be easier to live as a family with the same name.

Having her last name never felt right to me. I never saw her as my mother, and I don’t have the same kind of bond with her that I had with my mom or with my dad.

I had voiced as a teenager that I would change it back sometime, but they ignored me. Once I made the decision to do this now that I’m an independent adult I decided to discuss it with them.

It was not well received and the discussion last week became very heated and intense, with them telling me not to, with a lot of talk around how I was being mean, and how I had lived with her name longer than my original one, and people knew me by it.

At that point, my sister chimed in that he and I would both go back to the original name and she’d started saving once she learned from me what the process is and how much it costs.

This was fuel added to their fire. It got out of hand. So I walked out of the conversation and left the house and went back to my dorm. I then sent a text saying I had given them the chance to hear it from me but I would not discuss it further and it was happening.

They called me childish and told me I was not behaving like a man. That men don’t walk out mid-conversation and they don’t refuse to be manipulative and refuse to discuss things.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ at all.

You are behaving like a man. You have taken a decision, you were prepared to discuss it and you won’t give in to bullying and manipulation. They are being childish. When they didn’t get their own way they resorted to name-calling and harassment.

As for having the new name for longer than the old one, this is nonsense. You had your old name for the whole of your life and they took it away from you. They never wanted a discussion: they wanted to tell you what to do, then they got angry because those days are over.” diminishingpatience

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

Real men don’t bully and ignore their children and change their names without their consent.

Your father is the only one who did not behave like a man when he tried to erase your mother from your life. He failed you and your sister as a parent, and he and his wife’s idea of being a man screams toxic masculinity.

You, on the other hand, were mature and respectful despite their disgraceful, childish behavior. You gave them the facts and removed yourself when they tried to bully you. That’s more a man than your father has ever been.

Well done OP, your mother would be very proud of you. Please keep an eye on your sister. They can’t punish you, but she still has to live there and they may emotionally and mentally mistreatment her in your absence.” Accomplished-Cheek59

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

OP handled the disagreement very maturely and he does not need their permission. I did have a thought. It’s totally not required but what about a compromise? After all, this woman has been in OP’s life for a very long time and while they are not as close as he was to his mom, she has been a constant.

My guess is her opposition to changing it back is being driven by hurt feelings and emotion way more than logic. That doesn’t excuse bad behavior, but I always find it important to understand the other side’s motivation because it may not be the words that are said.

Anyway, what about changing the last name but keeping the stepmom’s name as a middle name? That way, instead of being John Joseph Doe (totally made up obviously), he could be John Joseph Doe Smith and to the world, John Smith.

It pays homage to her name and her significance as a member of the family but honors his request to revert back to his original last name to honor his mom’s significance in the family. Just a thought.” Sooner_Magic4471

-1 points (3 votes)
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Some of these people truly need to face the truth. Who is the jerk is now up to you to decide! Upvote, downvote, and comment on your favorite stories by signing up for a Metaspoon account. Click Log In at the top right corner of this page to get started. (Note: Some stories have been shortened and modified for our audiences)