People Seek Help With Judging Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
24. AITJ For Being Angry At My Mother-In-Law And Husband?
“I (27) have been married to my husband (I’ll refer to him as Alex, 36M) for 7 years and we have 2 children together – a 3-year-old girl and a baby (2 weeks).
A week ago my MIL (we’ll call her Kathy) recently had a pretty bad breakup with a long-term partner of hers. Following this, Kathy asked Alex if she could stay with us for a while, and he obliged. Alex didn’t run this by me but as this is his mother and she is going through a rough patch, I let it go.
Now here’s where the problem begins:
MIL has been constantly critiquing my parenting and even inserting herself in my and Alex’s finances. I’m no stranger to her bashing my parenting when we would see her on holidays with my toddler but this was her first time staying with us for so long.
Some of MIL’s bashing goes as follows — The baby is mainly formula-fed (I want to breastfeed exclusively but my milk supply is low and I’ve been working with my baby’s pediatrician). She goes on long rants about how I’m ‘feeding my baby poison’ and ‘throwing money down the drain’ and how she ‘breastfed her children with no problems!’ And that I need to stop being lazy.
As well as a thousand critiques about how I’m holding the baby too much and I’ll spoil her. (No amount of telling her my conversations with my baby’s pediatrician put an end to this.)
And when I make my 3-year-old something quick for breakfast or lunch, MIL goes on about how ‘I’m home all day doing nothing and can’t be bothered to cook my child a real meal’.
My final straw happened last night:
I’m currently on maternity leave (elementary school teacher). My husband is working and makes about 3x what I make. When my husband got home from work, I asked him to watch the kids for a few minutes while I took a shower.
MIL says I’m being lazy and a gold digger and that I expect her son to do all the work and then come home and babysit. I lost it. I shouted at her to go back to her own house, and to mind her own parenting.
My husband then said I couldn’t do that to my own MIL, that she lives all on her own now, and that I was being cruel. I shouted at him that she has 3 other children she can stay with, that he lets her get away with talking to his wife that way and what kind of husband is he.
MIL and Alex left, Alex said he’d stay with his mother for a night or two. I called my sister and mom over to help with the kids and to talk to them.
I feel like I may be a jerk because even though Alex has heard many of the remarks she’s made about me and my parenting, I probably should’ve talked to him about it and how it made me feel.”
Another User Comments:
“There are three people mentioned here and two of them are jerks. You’re not one of them. I know you might feel like one for blowing up at her and your husband taking her side but the way I see it: You are a good, loving mother.
You might parent differently than your MIL did but that doesn’t make her way better.
Your husband should be standing up for you rather than enabling her cruelty toward you. He must see that you’re a good mother, why else would he trust you to care for the kids, or have a second child with you?
So he needed to put a stop to the criticism. Instead, he sided with her! Staying with HER for a few nights leaving you with a newborn? Because of a breakup? Yeah they suck, but she’s a grown woman.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and your husband is a trashy husband.
No matter what he does to be a good husband, his behavior and unwillingness to stand up to his mother and understand she is wrong is not ok, and that outranks the parts of being a good husband and makes him a trashy one. You need to give him an ultimatum and come up with an exit plan, just in case it ever gets to that stage.
Regardless of her being his mother, you and the kids are his family and it’s your home, she does not get to dictate or disrespect you and he is a crappy husband and father for allowing that behavior under his roof.” RileysVoice
23. AITJ For Refusing To Spend $15000 For My Sister's Birthday?
“So, I am doing fine in life financially but my sister is like on another level, way richer than me. She paid for her house x10 what I paid for mine, no exaggerating.
She is very family-oriented and enjoys family reunions, even when they end badly or hurt people’s feelings. Both our parents passed away some years ago. So family reunions are the siblings getting together with their respective families.
1.5 years ago she announced that she wanted to do something special for her birthday: she gave me notice, basically, that she wanted to have a family reunion at a posh European location for at least a week (she and her family are exploring Europe for 6 weeks prior to the actual party).
I told her I was going to try to go. I did not have the courage to tell her that for me it would be difficult, just financially speaking. Bringing my whole family (I have many kids) on this trip was going to cost me no less than 15k.
Just airfare alone would be close to 10k. 15k is one year of tuition (my oldest is a Junior) and I have other money stuff to think about too. So, when a thing from work created a conflict, I was relieved to have an excuse to cancel.
She was super disappointed, particularly because she had made it very clear how important this trip was to her. If it had mattered to me, she said, I would have made the trip happen. So, I guess I am a jerk.
But, AITJ for not wanting to shell out 1 year’s worth of tuition $ in a one-week ‘special birthday celebration’ for my rich sister?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think this is a situation where your sister should have offered to pay for or subsidize your costs if she really wanted you to be there, or she should have given you way more notice to save up (1.5 years is too short).
She makes significantly more money than you, and it’s for her birthday. Spending $15,000 for a birthday celebration is excessive for the average person, I would not be ok spending that much for anyone. I think your sister has lost sight of your financial situation and doesn’t realize it’s just not a realistic plan for most people.” Book_Ends44
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She is allowed to be disappointed but she can’t expect everyone to have that much money for a trip to celebrate her. In my family, if someone wants to be celebrated and it requires flights etc, the person who wants everyone there would pay because that’s the only fair thing to do!
She has the finances to pay for you all for her birthday. If it’s that meaningful to her, she pays. It would be financially reckless to spend that much when it’s a literal year’s tuition cost for one of your kids. Your family comes first. If you had unlimited funds or more money, of course, you’d go.
Unfortunately, you don’t and that’s that. Take her out to dinner when she’s back and/or get her a present. You shouldn’t put family finances in danger for your sister’s birthday.” archetyping101
22. AITJ For Refusing To Take Care Of My Mother Who's Having Surgery?
“I’m (22F) Asian and the eldest child of a single mother. My dad passed away years ago. We grew up with more money than usual in my country so we always had a sitter for my siblings while I focused on school. The global crisis came and our business fell through so I had no choice but to stop schooling and take care of my siblings full time.
My mother (45F) also lost her full-time job. Then she became depressed. I took care of my siblings while she partied with her friends cause it was her way of ‘coping’.
Anyway, my sister has a mental disability and I forgot to change her clothes one time after playing with her and I got yelled at by my mother when she got home, saying that I’m useless, I never help, etc. This offended me because I literally stopped studying just to help, so I decided it was time for me to leave.
I’ve been no contact for many weeks now.
I received a message from a family friend that she has surgery tomorrow (for her cysts in the ovary) and they’re practically begging me to come but I refused to. Honestly, I don’t really care anymore.
I’m just too tired of her attitude to even care and I just want a peaceful life. She’s always been verbally abusive and would break my things or kick me out when I was younger. They’re telling me to get over my anger and I said I refuse to go and to just leave me alone.
So, AITJ for refusing to take care of her?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It is perfectly acceptable to stay away from this woman who birthed you and then exploited you. Decide now exactly what relationship, if any, you will have with your mother and stick to it.
You will also need to decide what assistance you are able and willing to provide to your siblings who remain under your mother’s ‘care.’ They need you, but they aren’t your responsibility. If you can help them without adversely affecting your own life consider doing it.
If you have to sacrifice your well being then consider telling them why you are staying away and provide advice as you are able on how they can escape your mother when they are of age.” hermanstyle21
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and well within your rights to refuse to help an abuser – even if she IS your mother!
She’s made her bed and she can now lie in it; perhaps that will help her wake up and realize what she’s done to you. (Frankly, I don’t hold out much hope for THAT, but one can always dream.) And do NOT let her guilt you into taking on lifetime care for your sister.
She sounds like someone who’d sacrifice your future in a heartbeat if it meant dumping her responsibilities onto you. By all means, help her to find an appropriate living situation for your sister if you want to, but DON’T agree to take her in ‘just for a little while.’ Trust me on this one, OP: that ‘little while’ never ends until the hapless relative’s own death!” DancesWithFlax
21. AITJ For Bringing Up What Happened Months Ago?
“A few months ago, we were visiting my sister-in-law and her husband when we overheard them having a heated argument about their private life. I don’t remember word for word what was said but my sister-in-law did accuse him of treating her like a slave and she said some other worrying things.
It was me, my husband, his brother, and their parents who overheard. Everyone kind of just looked at each other in shock and when my sister-in-law came back into the room my father-in-law acted like nothing happened and the rest of us played along. At the time, I suggested my husband talk to his sister to make sure she was okay because she looked like she had cried when she first came back into the room but my husband didn’t want to get involved and told me not to as well so I dropped it.
I thought it was because he didn’t want to embarrass her but now I think he didn’t want to say anything to her husband which would negatively impact his relationship with him.
I admitted we had all overheard their argument recently because I had been worrying about her and this was the first time I’d seen her in person since our visit so I wanted to make sure she was okay.
My sister-in-law was embarrassed but mostly hurt that her brothers and dad didn’t say anything to defend her considering what we had overheard. She confronted them in front of me and it was so awkward because they tried to deny overhearing the argument but my sister-in-law believes me.
Everyone is angry at me for bringing it up now and my husband keeps making excuses for why they couldn’t say anything to her husband but even her husband thinks it’s disgusting that they didn’t stand up for her.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I am not a big fan of trying too hard to keep this kind of secret, because too many of you know about it—too many of you heard it. It was going to come out. Your instinct to say something is a good one and comes from a caring place.
However, I do not think it was fair of your SIL to hold her male relatives accountable for not doing the same thing you did—it was awkward for them, their instinct was to say nothing. If she wanted their input she could have talked to them.
Also pretty ridiculous for her husband to be disgusted at them for not standing up for her against him. SIL and her husband are both deflecting from the problem they have with each other. They need to focus on that and not try to make it about how others reacted/didn’t react to overhearing about it.” Auntie-Mam69
Another User Comments:
“You did this from a place of genuine loving concern and I don’t think anyone should knock you for that. If the nature of the conversation made you worry for her safety, you absolutely should have checked on her. I think you could have just said that you overheard the argument without mentioning others.
That embarrassed her and put your husband and FIL in an awkward position. The fact that they heard and didn’t say anything to her is hurtful to her, and she probably could have done without that at this time. Those men may not have even known what to say, and you’re the perfect person to have asked her about it; no need to bring them into it if they don’t feel emotionally ‘equipped’ to have that conversation.
At the end of the day though, you’re NTJ. You did the right thing. But next time there’s no need to involve others who don’t need/want to be involved.” BAAAUGH
20. AITJ For Expecting My Husband To Hug Me When I'm Having A Panic Attack?
“My husband (28m) and I (28f) have been married for a couple of years and had been together more than five years before that. We’ve gone through some tough times together, mainly we don’t communicate well when under stress. He loses his temper, and I cry.
We have always had this issue that when I am upset, I hate having someone explain what’s happening and use words to explain the logic of my situation to me. I just need a hug. That helps me calm down immediately. I have expressed this numerous times.
My husband refuses to do this for me, he basically says he doesn’t want me to depend on him for that comfort when I’m having a panic attack. That I should be able to get out of it on my own. Our therapist has recommended that he do meditation and that I find ways to self-soothe.
I am now in early pregnancy and I have always been terrified of going through this. I have a severe phobia of needles and medical things in general. My first blood test is in a few days and I have been freaking out whenever I think about it.
The closer it gets, the more anxious I get—about the blood test and the whole pregnancy in general.
Last night I had a panic attack about it and he just stared at me and told me I was having a panic attack. The more he explained what was happening to me, the more alone I felt.
I realized that he would not hug me when I needed it most. He actually told me he doesn’t want to be a ‘life preserver.’
So I told him I didn’t want him to go to any appointments with me, my mom would go with me, and I would ask her to be my support person in delivery.
Because he will not provide the physical support I need now, so I’m scared he won’t do it during what will probably be the scariest and most traumatizing experience of my life. He got very offended and left the house to think.
I feel crazy.
Am I being completely unreasonable? I just feel like this is my body and my experience and I am terrified, and as my partner, he should support me the way I need to be supported.
So am I the jerk for wanting him to hug me when I’m having a panic attack?
Or for threatening to exclude him from the whole pregnancy/birth process because of this?”
Another User Comments:
“Why are you having a baby with this man? He sounds completely self-absorbed and selfish and has already shown you that he doesn’t care about your needs or your feelings.
He will never provide you with the support you need, so you need to find a way to look after and support yourself. And being with a man who loses his temper is not looking good for when your baby is screaming constantly for no reason or wanting attention.
As for your phobias, I used to have that, and my first pregnancy was complicated so I had to have lots of blood tests and ended up having a c-section – it helped with my needle phobia because I had no choice, and my baby’s health and well-being was more important than my fears, so I am sure you will be able to cope, not that you really have a choice now you are pregnant.
You must have a good hard think about what you need in life and decide if your husband will ever be able to give you the support you and your child are going to need. NTJ at the moment, but you must learn to become more self-sufficient and begin to learn strategies to cope with your emotions.” SpecialSheep94
Another User Comments:
“The issue that I see is that you want to use your husband as an external emotional processing unit, and he’s trying to maintain a boundary because he doesn’t want to feel like he’s a soothing object for you.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be physically affectionate, the issue is whether the physical affection is about mutual desire, or about one person’s need for an emotional regulatory measure. If it’s always the one person’s need, and rarely the mutual desire, it’s not enjoyable for the other person.
He’s trying to find a way to keep the relationship together. He’s telling you that he doesn’t experience the mutuality of physical intimacy, he only experiences it when you have emotional need. Listen to him, respond to that, because if you focus on only getting your needs met, he’s on his way out.” Sad_Construction_668
19. AITJ For Calling Out A Friend Who Lied About Leaving His Wallet In The Car?
“Four people, slightly more upscale restaurant. We agreed beforehand that everybody would be paying for their own share of the meal. This restaurant does not really have the concept of separate checks, so the assumption was that we would just collect the funds from each person and use the total to pay.
Fast forward to when we’re done with the whole thing, one friend goes to the bathroom and then claims he left his wallet inside his car. I actually followed him to said car, we both kind of pretended to be searching for it until it became clear he actually did have the wallet just fine, only with not enough to pay.
I told him I’d take care of it, and the situation ended there.
Later on, I informed my other friends of it, that it was very disrespectful to try to leave like that unannounced. Like, you could go take care of business and text me, then get back to the table and I get the hint.
Problem solved. Or a million other ways. Just not lying about it and attempting to walk away and possibly make up some random justification or emergency. It will be more difficult to trust him on other matters in the future. He says I’m a major jerk because the incident was already over and it wasn’t indicative of any particular trend, and now he genuinely won’t be trusted because of what I said.
I replied ‘Do you really believe yourself right now?’ and he flipped, got crazy, and left.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If he couldn’t afford it, he could have asked to change venues or made an excuse to not go. If he realized during the meal that it was going to be more expensive than he thought (realistically not likely now you can look at menus online beforehand) or that he didn’t have as much in his bank as he thought he did, he should have quietly mentioned it to one of you and asked for a sub or something.
Skipping out without paying is a jerk move.” Hatstand82
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. In today’s world with digital phones, there is always a way to pay a friend – Venmo, Zelle, Paypal. He could have ordered a cheap entree or just an appetizer and claimed he wasn’t that hungry if that was all he could afford.
He isn’t viewed as trustworthy because he is NOT trustworthy – who stiffs friends like that unless they are counting on people being too embarrassed to call him on it? I imagine it isn’t the first time he has been a grifter in terms of not paying his share.” Jujulabee
18. AITJ For Not Inviting My Neighbor To My Party?
“I (23F) had a very unpleasant interaction with my neighbor, and now I’m wondering if I may have been in the wrong.
For context, I’ve been throwing myself birthday parties for the past four years. It’s something I genuinely enjoy, and my friends and I always have a blast. Nowadays, I live in a smaller apartment complex that has a lot of old people and families.
Because of this, I tried to be very accommodating to my neighbors. About 2 weeks in advance, I left goody bags with a note detailing the party date, time, and my contact information (in case we needed to tone down the volume a bit) at the doors of my immediate neighbors.
A week later, I was heading to my car when I encountered my downstairs neighbor (F 50ish). Let’s call her ‘Jane’. I gave Jane a wave and a smile. However, from the look on her face, I could tell that this would not be a pleasant interaction for me.
She slammed her car door, stalked over to me, and shouted, ‘Excuse me? Are you Kendra?’ (At this point, I was so tempted to say no and walk away, but momma didn’t raise a liar), so I said yes ma’am!
She immediately launched into a tirade about how rude it is to throw a party in our building without inviting everybody, and how excluding her is exclusionary and hurtful.
Thinking there was some sort of misunderstanding, I told her that nobody from the building was invited as it was a private event. I then got another lovely rant about how I left the notes at their doors just to rub it in their faces that I would be having a party.
I’m all for respecting my elders, but I have absolutely no patience for entitled people. So after being chastised by a complete stranger who is not my boss, my god, or my mother, I was pretty fed up. At this point, I thought screw that noise, and said ‘It’s not my fault you don’t have friends, lady’, put my headphones in, and walked away.
On the night of my birthday, surprise surprise, we got a noise complaint. The maintenance guy showed up to tell us that the office had gotten multiple phone calls from the same neighbor complaining about the noise level in the apartment.
I explained the encounter I had with Jane the week before and invited him into my apartment.
After seeing the confused, well-behaved group of 10 or so grad students, he took my word about Jane and went on his way (cupcake in hand).
A couple of days later, I’m starting to feel bad. The way she approached me was not cool, but my response was overly mean in hindsight.
I can’t help but think she’s just lonely and sad.
My partner understood where I was coming from, but he thought the ‘you have no friends’ comment was unnecessary, and maybe the noise complaints were well-deserved karma. Some of my other friends think that she’s lonely because of her own attitude and I’m in the right for calling her out.
Do I owe her an apology?”
Another User Comments:
“I don’t get the goody bags, like at all. ‘Hey, I want you to know I’ll be having a party and you’re not invited.’ Further, there’s a very reasonable conclusion that the only reason for the goody bags is the same reason that parents do the same thing before boarding a flight with a baby they expect to scream.
So, you wanted your neighbors to know that you’re excluding them and implied that there would be a reason for them to need placating. Then you’re surprised and mad that someone took you for what you were communicating? Then you decide to insult the person?
YTJ.” rlrlrlrlrlr
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. First, I don’t see anything wrong with you being put off by your neighbor accosting you. She was rude and her rules for polite behavior about who should be invited to a party or not were completely out of line.
What you did, notifying them in advance was polite. However, I can’t help but notice that you are judging her for her age. You are right to question your choice in how you responded because it lacked empathy and was meant to be hurtful. Is that the type of person you want to be?
You know nothing about her personal life and there is nothing wrong with having less of a social life than others. She could just as easily tell you that you have too many friends and neither of you would be right. None of us should be judging others by our own criteria.
That said, I don’t see any need to apologize because if someone accosts you, they should expect the person they are accosting to defend themselves. Plus, I can’t imagine that additional contact with her would go over any better. Next time you have to deal with someone being rude, just learn from this and don’t stoop to their level.
The only people’s behavior we can control is our own, which is a lesson your neighbor also needs to learn.” pip-whip
17. AITJ For Asking A New Neighbor If They Have Cameras Should I Babysit For Them?
“I (21F) have been babysitting around the neighborhood occasionally. It’s not a side job but I do offer my help when the family needs it and I don’t ask for money.
It’s just nice helping out neighbors who in return offer their help whenever I need it.
A new family moved in a few months ago and I didn’t mingle with them as our houses aren’t near each other. Let’s call them Sarah and Tom and they have a baby girl who’s around 3-4 years old.
A neighbor I babysat for before mentioned me to Sarah who called and asked me if I would be willing to babysit so she and Tom could have a romantic night, and I agreed. While talking about details I asked her ‘Do you have cameras in your house or a baby monitor with a camera in it?’ Sarah went quiet for a bit and then immediately lashed out at me, suggesting that I was taking advantage of being alone at her house to steal, bring someone over, or harm her daughter, and I’m worried about being caught, and since I’m doing it for free that must be my intention.
I was SHOCKED. I explained to her that I was in no way a creep and I was upset she would think so. I told her I was only asking because most families I helped did have them and it’s just better for me in case of anything happening that there’s footage of my entire stay with the kids.
Well, she didn’t believe me and proceeded to end the call and block me. In the following days, she started telling the neighbors how I was a creep and I was not to be trusted around kids. I’m not sure who believes her and who doesn’t because as I said I don’t do this regularly and it’s only when my neighbors reach out to me that I babysit.
My friends said I shouldn’t have asked and just went there but I won’t be comfortable being in someone’s house alone with their kids with no footage especially since it would’ve been the first time I’m babysitting for them, and even if nothing happens having cameras is just more comforting for me.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Her reactions were way over the top. So much so, that I wonder if she isn’t projecting by calling YOU a creep and a thief. I petsit professionally. It’s customary for clients to disclose any cameras to us, and for us to ask if there are cameras if they don’t volunteer that information.
You wouldn’t believe the horror stories pet sitters have of hidden cameras and creeps watching people in compromised moments (think in the bathroom or bedroom). And very often, it’s the ones who overreact to the question of whether or not they have cameras. Frankly, I think you dodged a bullet here.
I wouldn’t want to work for someone who reacted so vehemently to a routine question and jumped so quickly to judgments and throwing accusations.” Birony88
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Contact your neighbors and let them know what happened. You’ve known them for a while, and they respect you, so I’m guessing if you explain, they won’t have a problem.
If you don’t explain, they may start thinking it odd that you don’t defend yourself. Your answer is perfectly reasonable, assuming it’s true. Of course, if it’s not true, the neighbors are going to know. Also, for future reference, when you ask someone about the cameras, preface it by saying, you prefer to babysit in homes with cameras for your own safety, as opposed to just asking if they have any.
The way you offer this information can have a huge impact on how it is taken, as you now know.” inFinEgan
16. AITJ For Not Paying For My Friend's Meal?
“I recently went out to dinner with a close friend who I’ve known for years. We decided to try a new restaurant that she had been wanting to visit for a while. When we arrived, I was shocked to see that the menu featured some of the priciest dishes I had ever seen.
A key thing to note: I offered to pay before we went out to eat.
As we looked over the menu, my friend began ordering some of the most expensive items, including a $50 steak and a $20 cocktail. I was taken aback by the prices and politely suggested that we try some more affordable options.
My friend insisted on sticking with her choices and said that she would cover her portion of the bill.
When the bill came she said she never offered to pay it. She was drinking a bit, but I was not, it’s possible she forgot I suppose.
That’s what makes this whole thing awkward for me…
When the bill arrived, her portion was over $100 more than I had budgeted for her ($60). She had spent $100 over on drinks. I was frustrated and felt like my friend had taken advantage of my generosity. I refused to pay for her expensive taste and left her to foot her portion of the bill on her own.
She was furious and accused me of being cheap and selfish. Despite our long friendship, I feel like I was justified in refusing to pay for her extravagant choices. But now I’m starting to wonder if maybe I was the jerk in this situation. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, don’t offer to pay if you don’t know the prices on the menu of the restaurant you’re going to. I also wonder how exactly you communicated that you weren’t going to pay for her expensive choices because that is key to how she reacts.
She is trashy for mentioning she will pay and then saying she never said that, but I think reflecting on how you communicated with her at that moment is key in how this ended.” Apprehensive-Pen-531
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You offered to pay before she chose the place.
Most likely you assumed she would pick a place with moderate pricing, as you likely would have done if she were paying for you, and didn’t look at the menu ahead of time. She got wasted while you were not drinking, chose an expensive place, and proceeded to choose expensive items on the menu.
You voiced concern and she still went with something that racked up the bill. I would be second-guessing this friendship if I were you, OP.” Discount_Mithral
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. $50 steaks and $20 cocktails are pretty normal for a decent dinner place. It sounds like your expectations for a restaurant aren’t exactly in line with the reality of a cute, trendy new restaurant.
You definitely should have looked at the menu beforehand. You also should have told your friend you budgeted x amount for her food and anything over that is her responsibility. She’s a jerk for ordering 5 $20 cocktails and expecting you to pay for them. If I order that many then it’s on my credit card automatically.
That’s also a lot of cocktails for one dinner. Most people average a cocktail every 30-45 mins.” horsecrazycowgirl
15. AITJ For Not Letting My Stepsister Have My Simba Stuffed Toy?
“When I (16m) was a baby my dad bought me a Simba stuffy.
My dad was really into The Lion King and it was a movie he introduced to me really early and a movie we shared a love for. I used to dress as Simba for Halloween and had Simba cakes for years. Simba was my favorite toy and always made me think of my dad.
He died when I was 8. My mom remarried less than a year later to Nick. Nick had a baby daughter when he and my mom got married. She doesn’t see her mom so we have lived together 100% of the time since mom and Nick got married.
She is obsessed with me. I’m a little more mixed. She can be cute or sweet or whatever but sometimes it gets on my nerves when we’re called siblings and she will call Nick ‘our dad’, correcting her usually comes with being scolded by my mom and Nick because they said she loves me and wants to connect us more which I should appreciate.
She also gets upset when I go to see my grandparents or my aunt or uncle and she’s left behind. My grandparents and my aunt and uncle are my paternal family so my stepsister isn’t related to them and I don’t want to bring her along because I barely get to see my family anyway.
My mom has encouraged me before to bring her along and show she’s my real sister. But I don’t think of her that way and I never have even though I know she thinks of me as just her brother.
I say all of this because maybe it will be relevant here.
I no longer sleep with my Simba stuffy BUT I keep him on a shelf across from my bed so I can see him when I’m in bed and so he’s close by. I also got a clear box for him so I can still see him but he’s clean and stuff.
My stepsister has wanted him for months now. Mom and Nick have both taken Simba down from the shelf and out of the box to give to her and I had to take him back. I asked Mom and Nick to respect my no. They say I should share and my stepsister would sleep with him instead of leaving him on a shelf.
They don’t care about it being something I treasure from my dad.
So one day my stepsister was really annoying me about it and she kept begging me to let her have Simba and she’ll take good care of him and I could see him whenever I wanted. I told her no, I do not want her to have him, he is special to me because my dad bought him and my dad is gone.
She said if ‘our dad’ bought him then we should share. I said Nick is not my dad, my dad died and he bought me Simba and I want to keep him just for me. She got upset and asked if I didn’t want her to ever have him and I said yes, I don’t want her to ever have Simba.
She was devastated and my mom and Nick were furious and it got worse when she said I’d be mad if she ever had Simba again.
I had to hide Simba away from everyone because of this, which has made me very resentful of all three, even though my stepsister is young and not really to blame.
But I hate not seeing him every day.
My mom and Nick think I was wrong to directly address my stepsister on this.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Sounds like your real problem isn’t your stepsister but your mom, who isn’t allowing you to remember, recognize, or grieve your father.
You have the right to tell them that you don’t intend to forget your father and that they need to recognize that things your father gave you are special to you, always will be, and those special things are off limits to your stepsister.
Your parents don’t have the right to ‘correct’ you when you resist being told to call Nick your father.
You can say ‘I have the right to remember my father’ or ‘I have the right to grieve’. You can also point out to your mom that second husbands are not the same as second fathers. It’s normal for spouses to move on and marry again, but your father will always be your father, no matter how much you like or even love your stepfather it is not the same and they have no right to demand that you pretend that it is.
NTJ.” mifflewhat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Wow! Your mom and Nick are totally jerks here. And they are responsible for your stepsister being upset, too. Instead of helping her understand, they are reinforcing her feelings of being left out. And what they are doing to you!
It is just cruel to disrespect your ‘no’ and to dismiss the connection to your dad that Simba represents. I am willing to bet that if you felt supported in remembering your dad, and in having more and deeper connections with your paternal family, you might feel closer to your step sister.
Instead, it sounds like your mom and Nick would be happiest if you and they could just forget your dad ever existed.
OP, you were right to tell your stepsister the truth. You told her all the important stuff, the reason Simba is so precious and not to be shared, just as she might have a stuffy or other item that is precious to her.
I am so sorry that it is no longer safe for you to have Simba on the shelf. Can you put a picture of him where you can see it until it is safe to have him there again? And have you told your paternal relatives what is going on?” Say-What-KB
14. AITJ For Trying To Stop My Coworker From Making Hazelnut Coffee?
“I (35F) work in a small company in a small building.
A coworker (30? M) who shall be called HB is on the sales side of the company, while I work in admin. We are in the same building, but he has a window and his car does not have rust.
HB loves hazelnut coffee. The problem is, hazelnut gives me a raging migraine.
He has been directed to close all doors to the breakroom, but that smell SEEPS through the building. No amount of essential oils will stop it. He insists the coffee is for everyone, never cleans out the pot, and sometimes his craziness for hazel causes him to forget to close the doors which means I struggle with my day.
I like to go to a local coffee shop, but recently my husband said he’d like me to cut back. I buy their fancy coffee beans and hate going anywhere else. One day when HB was late, I realized I could make my OWN coffee with my beans, AND it would block the coffeemaker from his desires.
I make enough for everyone, and I clean out the coffee maker at the end of the shift.
Last week HB flat-out asked me ‘Admit it OP, you’re making coffee to stop me from enjoying my hazelnut fix.’ I thought he was joking, so I laughed and said ‘Yup, isn’t it great we have options that aren’t so stinky?’
Today HB noticed everyone was appreciating my coffee and making fun of HB’s hazelnut and he decided to tell me ‘In all seriousness…. you’re kind of being a jerk.’ My coworkers did say they get where he’s coming from and don’t want to take sides, but they reminded him he never cleans the pot so they weren’t going to stop me.
So with people refusing to take sides, it made me wonder… AITJ for making sure my coworker can’t use the office coffee maker for his favorite coffee?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s a community pot – if he wants specialty flavors, tell him to either bring in his own pot or make it at home.
This reads to me in the same vein as people with perfume sensitivities. Not everyone can handle strong smells. The fact he’s so bent out of shape over coffee tells me all I need to know about this person. I’d also bring up this conversation with your manager/HR.
It’s just coffee and dude has been told to chill already.” Discount_Mithral
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Yes. Your co-worker sucks for forgetting to close the doors like he was told and if cleaning the pot after using it was something that was agreed upon as well he sucks for that, too.
(to me, expecting someone to pay for the flour, bake the bread, AND clean the dishes while everyone enjoys the bread is a bit not fair, digress) But at worst? He’s making coffee. Sorry that it SEEPS around the building. I believe he should probably find a creamer he likes and add that, instead.
However, he called a spade a spade, spot on, 100% and you acted coy about it. It wasn’t even a knock-on effect of some other great idea you had. The chief reason was to be a jerk. (unless making coffee with your own beans is a boon to you, I don’t know) Seriously, truly and honestly I got to revisit that you laughed in his face about it.
And honestly, if cleaning the pot is the ONLY difference between the two of you in your co-worker’s minds, I really gotta give the win (or rather, loss) to you because, again, you’re doing it on purpose. Maliciously. He just likes hazelnut.” MinnieShoof
13. AITJ For Refusing To Teach My Parents How To Speak French?
“I (19M) and my parents (60M and 58F) moved to France from the UK about 4 years ago.
I didn’t want to move with them, but I was 14 at the time and basically had no choice in the matter. I’m 19, and as I went to a local school, I have learned how to speak French at a conversational level, though I’m by no means perfect at it.
My parents, on the other hand, have made basically no effort whatsoever to learn French. My dad speaks a little of it, but it’s very clunky, and no matter how many times I try to correct him, he just keeps getting it wrong. My mum, however, doesn’t speak a word of French, and when in public, only says basic words like ‘Bonjour’, ‘merci’, and ‘au revoir’.
When faced with any other situation, she’ll either make me do the talking or loudly speak in English to people. Anytime we’re out in public or we get a visitor to our house, they will both tell whoever it may be to talk to me.
Recently, they’ve also developed a habit of whenever they get a phone call from a French number, they’ll basically thrust the phone into my hand and order me to talk to whoever it is on the other end, plus making me book all their appointments for them and translating all their documents.
I’m not happy at being an unpaid secretary for them, especially considering I’m unemployed and trying to find a job at the time of writing this.
I’m planning on moving out in a few months, which is why I’ve tried telling them to start getting French lessons, but they’ll always make excuses, such as ‘Oh, I can’t get the time’ or ‘I’ve got things to do’.
I understand that for my dad, as he goes to work full time. But my mum is a housewife, so she’s not exactly short of spare time to do things. I have tried laying it on the line to both of them multiple times that they’re not getting anywhere over here speaking just English, but they just keep saying they will get lessons ‘at some point’, which never happens.
They’ve tried to make me teach them before, but no matter how many times I’ve said to them that I’m still struggling with French myself, they won’t listen to me. I’ve made the point to them that they chose to move here, so it’s their responsibility to learn the language, not mine.
But no matter what, they always rely on me to do the speaking in public.
So, in summation, AITJ for refusing to teach my parents a new language?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and you have already made all the reasonable points. You are still struggling with the language yourself.
They are grown adults and are responsible for learning what they need to learn in order to function in a society, which includes the local language. They have had ample time to learn, it isn’t your fault that they chose not to. Oh, and most importantly, they FORCED you to learn in a ‘trial by fire’ sort of way by moving you as a minor which resulted in you going to a school in France, so you were basically in a ‘learn or suffer’ situation, meanwhile they just settled themselves with using you as a translator rather than learning for themselves.
Live your life. Move out and do what you gotta do. Succeed in ways that they can’t because they are too rigid and unwilling to learn. Don’t feel bad if they struggle without you, as they made this bed for themselves. You didn’t do anything to them, they did this.” Fluffy_Sheepy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Move out as soon as you can. That is the best plan you can come up with, and the only one that will work. You have warned them. In the meantime, immersion tends to get people to learn new languages. It forces those in a new area with a new language to adapt.
I’m assuming that helped you since moving to France in the first place. You may have had some classes, but the only people around speak French, so you had to adapt quickly. Happens all the time here in the US since we have so many coming in from all over the world.
My suggestion to you is to stop speaking English around your parents. Or at least do your best to only speak French. Hopefully, this will be the shock to the system they need. If not, they will get it when you move out.” frostedtim
12. AITJ For Messaging My Co-Intern After She Refused To Go Out With Us?
“I (23m) and my co-intern (20f) have been friends at work for about a month now, and prior to the internship, my friends knew her too.
She and I would always go out for lunch (with my personal group of friends as they work nearby too), talk, rant, and poke fun at one another.
I would consider us the closer bunch out of the entire group at work.
On the day of this incident, I actually asked her if she was free but she told me that her partner was fetching her from work, and she said that she didn’t mind coming if I asked earlier or if it was next week.
When I finally met up with my 2 friends for drinks at a bar, we talked a little and I decided to take a video of the drinks and friends I was with and send it to her.
So in that short video clip, there was a short footage of my face during the start of the video, drinks, and my friends, one of whom is a girl, who she knows.
I sent that video and this text ‘You’re missing out bro, we’re on our 5th glass’.
She replied with ‘Next time don’t text me this way, my partner doesn’t like it’. I was shocked and I just said ‘We’re just friends.
My friend doesn’t want to be the only girl here because it’s just me and my guy friend talking.’
And her partner started saying ‘Bro, you’re not even that close with my girl. How would your girl feel if you sent that video with that face of yours to another girl?’
The rest is history because I apologized and explained that I didn’t mean to cross any boundaries and that we’re just work buddies so we wanted to catch up over drinks.
Personally, I don’t feel that I’m at fault. But that’s just me.
I’m hoping to see how the rest feel about this. Do let me know how I can make things less awkward when I see her again.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Asking someone out for drinks and then reminding them afterward CAN come off very flirty but if you’re as close as you’re saying I’d say NTJ since it’s just poking fun for her not being there.
The big thing is either the guy is being very overprotective and he saw the video and felt uncomfortable OR she told him that she was feeling uncomfortable over the video and you asking her out and all of the lunch trips. Both of those are just kinda up in the air speculations but again I’d say nobody is really the jerk in any scenarios though it’s just the comfort levels of each individual person playing into it.” TheKings1337
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. This is not just about you. It’s about her and her relationship as well. Regardless of your intentions, it was not received well. She said she had plans with her significant other already, so why would she want/care to have some dude from her work message her a video ‘yOu’RE mIsSiNg oUT’ while she’s doing something with someone else?
Especially when she told you about it beforehand. It’s disrespectful and if that’s a boundary that they have, then fine. I don’t think he’s insecure or jealous of you because he’s telling you to chill out after you overstepped a boundary of their relationship. Plus if you and her have hung out before then he’s aware of you.
Good intentions, bad execution. It happens, man. You’ve apologized, move on.” Black_Jiren
Another User Comments:
“I think you caring THIS much about it and having this much rent space in your head means you might have some underlying feelings for her. She’s communicated uncomfortableness.
I’m guessing there was more texting before her significant other intervened that you’re leaving out of this story. You’ve misjudged the situation and relationship with her. You’ve pressed too hard and made her feel uncomfortable. Just don’t invite her out.
You’re colleagues, that’s it. For one month even. If she wants a friendship, she’ll make that next step and extend the olive branch. Take the hint. Forget what she’s said as ‘another time.’ That’s her being nice saying no. Take it as a no. Don’t push or ask again.” DishRevolutionary593
11. AITJ For Telling My Wife Not All Employers Will Be Considerate Of Her ADHD?
“Recently I was having a text conversation with my wife and she was talking about how being diagnosed with ADHD means employers legally have to make accommodations for you to complete your work.
Now I’m not very educated on ADHD or mental divergences in general, but in my working experience, I’ve never really experienced many accommodations being set for any disabilities/divergences, mental or physical. It’s mostly been about daily production, and if you don’t hit that number they will find a way to get rid of you ‘legally without discrimination’ and be very daunting to fight in court.
I warned her to be considerate if it is something she’d actually want to tell her employers versus finding alternate ways to explain or handle why some days are really high production and some are very low, but average to be higher than her coworkers.
To my understanding, she was feeling like I personally think ADHD isn’t an excuse for low production, and that I’m kinda dumping on her divergence by saying this stuff. She has a legal right to accommodation and her feelings/expectations are valid.
I, of course, think her feelings and expectations are valid.
However, I think we’re at least a good 20-60 years away from most jobs not including discriminatory behavior in daily function. I’ve told her this in person but she’s still cold and numb.
I’m very sad things are like this right now and I can see why that stuff might be hard to hear.
Maybe I should’ve never said it and flipped into a more positive progressive pushing enthusiast. I feel terrible, leaning towards being a jerk and really hope I can fix this with my wife and be a better husband.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, though this is really a work question and a judgment call based on the individual business.
She is correct that she has a legal right to accommodation and that she’s right to feel that she should be able to advocate for herself and improve her workplace conditions. There are many accommodations that can be made for an ADHD employee, but depending on the job requirements it may be difficult to accommodate to level out wildly varying productivity.
She would also probably need to have specific accommodations in mind that:
A: she doesn’t think she could get otherwise
B: that would have a noticeable impact on her productivity
C: that is not a significant expense/burden on the employer, because especially with invisible disabilities it’s likely you need to teach your employer what accommodating things looks like.
You are correct that many employers are not great about accommodating disability, especially invisible disability, and that there’s a risk of this backfiring by getting her viewed as somebody who is incapable of improving or a liability. However, the path forward depends specifically on her employer, so it’s really a judgment call on whether this would meaningfully improve things for her based on how much accommodations would help and how at-risk she currently feels on the basis of her work performance.” Milskidasith
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your vision of how employers go around the ADA requirements is true, and then some. I’m sorry you are experiencing self-doubt, but really, all you did was tell your wife the reality she didn’t want to hear. If this is her usual reaction to hearing things she doesn’t like, she will always make you feel like a jerk for telling the truth.
Then the only way to have a rosy marriage would be for you to tell her fairy tales she doesn’t want to hear. There is a saying, ‘Do you want to be right or do you want to have a happy marriage?’ – but there is a limit to how many untrue things you can say or go along with before it starts seriously affecting your own sanity and sense of reality.” Content-Plenty-268
10. AITJ For Keeping A Secret With My Cousin?
“I (20F) started a huge misunderstanding in my family over something that happened years ago.
It all started five years ago when I was 15 and was staying in the countryside with my aunt and her son for summer break.
For context, my aunt hates gay people, not just because it is a sin in our religion, but because being homophobic was also her entire personality.
And it wasn’t just her; everyone in that place despised gay people.
Now at that time, I had a significant other, let’s call her April. April was around my age and also came from homophobic parents. And surprise surprise, my cousin, who was 18 then, let’s call him Sam, also had a male significant other.
Sam and I never told anyone about our relationships. However, as teenagers, we wanted to spend time with our partners. But couldn’t due to the homophobia, so we decided to troll everyone.
I pretended that Sam’s SO was my SO, and he pretended that April was his SO.
Everyone believed this, so whenever I was with April outside, I would be like ‘Yo that’s my cousin’s girl’.
The best part was that when one of our partners stayed over, they ended up sharing rooms with the person they were actually in a relationship with.
For example, if I brought my ‘SO’ home and he stayed the night, my aunt would make him share rooms with Sam. Likewise, whenever Sam brought April home, she would be in my room.
Genius! I know. And nobody figured it out until 2 days ago when my aunt called me and unleashed a barrage of insults.
She used every slur you could ever imagine. Turns out Sam invited her to his wedding, He was marrying that same guy from 5 years ago.
She accused me of turning her ‘God-loving Christian son into a sinful man.’ This couldn’t be my fault cause Sam and his SO were already together before I arrived. Anyways she thinks I’m the one who turned her son gay, that it is because of me that Sam and his SO did sleep together, And then they became gay???
I don’t understand.
After she hung up I started getting calls from my relatives, all of them insulted me. They blocked me on everything. Then after that, they called my mom and insulted her as well.
My mom was confused as to what was going on.
She asked me what happened. I ended up telling her everything.
I’ve never told her how I spent that summer before this. The thing that she focused on was back when I was pretending that Sam’s SO was my SO. He was 19 and I was 15.
My mom lost it when she found out that my aunt was actually okay with me seeing someone that was way older than me when I was 15. And my aunt didn’t even bother to call and tell her that.
My mom started calling my relatives and then screaming at them.
Some of them took my aunt’s side and some my mom’s side. And are now arguing with each other through the phone as I am writing this down.
Sam called and apologized for the way his mom acted. He said that she was crazy and that he had cut her off after what happened.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Obviously, you didn’t ‘turn your cousin gay’. The upside of all of this is that all the homophobes are attacking each other! That has to be a win for the planet. It was a brilliant plan – hats off to you both for excellent strategy.
I can see why your mother was upset about only just now hearing about your supposed older SO. I just realized that you didn’t say your mother is one of the homophobes, like your aunt and all the surrounding people. Does your mother know you’re gay now?
Is she OK with it? I may have unfairly put her in the same category, and was reveling in them all getting their knickers in a twist.” WhyNott99
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your aunt is just mad cause she got played. Lol you didn’t turn him gay.
It’s part genetics, part base-level psychological development (if you believe in the Freudian theories), and ultimately being HUMAN. Either way, you’re still good people. Never stop loving, that’s all that matters. Love who y’all love, be a force of love, do not let hate win.
You got this.” Weekly-Chest-3943
9. WIBTJ If I Play The Song My Mom Requested At Her Funeral?
“My mom recently passed away, and our family (primarily me) is making the arrangements for the upcoming funeral. My mom always had a really excellent sense of humor, and before she passed she told not only me but all of the palliative care staff at the hospital that the song she wanted played at her funeral was ‘Ding Dong, The Witch Is Dead’ from The Wizard of Oz. (I managed to at least talk her out of the soundtrack version sung by the Munchkins and got her to agree to the classier jazz version by Ella Fitzgerald.)
Now, I agree with my mom that this would be a really funny thing to play at a funeral and would showcase her sense of humor to a tee. However, I’m also VERY aware that not everyone that’s going to come to the funeral is going to take the joke in the same spirit, and I think that some of the more religious friends and family members might be extra upset because there’s a certain repeated line that implies she’s not going to heaven.
Plus, we’re explicitly having a non-religious service, and one of said family members has already expressed disappointment with that.
So on the one hand I think it’s my mom’s funeral and I should respect her wishes above anyone else’s opinions. But on the other hand, I realize that funerals are for the living, and it’s pretty disrespectful to do something that’s going to upset those actually in attendance when obviously my mom isn’t going to know one way or the other.
WIBTJ if I still play the song my mom picked? (If it matters my alternate choice would be Landslide by Fleetwood Mac, which was her favorite song and what we all listened to in the hospital together after she passed.)”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom was deliberate in her choices.
Your religious relatives can have religious funerals when it’s their time. They don’t get to choose for other people. I haven’t heard Ella Fitzgerald’s version of the song your mom chose, but personally, I think the munchkin version would be hysterical. Your mom knew who she was.
You’re celebrating who she was. What’s most important is – if you don’t honor your mom’s wishes, how will YOU feel about this years later down the road? Because those religious relatives won’t think about this again. But you will.” SubstantialQuit2653
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Although if you really feel queasy about it, you could play Landslide, and when you talk about your mom, you could explain that she wanted the following song played (and then play it) but that you also wanted Landslide, because it was her favorite song (and then continue playing it).
Either way, you wouldn’t be the jerk, since it’s your mom’s wishes, and regardless of who comes and gets their feathers ruffled, at the end of the day, it’s your mom’s wishes.” MissSuzieSunshine
8. AITJ For Telling My Sister Not To Rely On The College Fund Our Father Had Set Up?
“My father got himself put in jail a couple of years before I started college. He used the entire $300,000 that my family put into a college fund for me to bail himself out & pay legal fees.
I put myself through college & graduated but had/have $200,000 in loans to pay off. My father talked big about how I made it through college & talked about how people were proud because of how much they put in my college fund (despite me never getting it).
AITJ part: I was watching my little sister for my dad’s ex yesterday. She has been looking up to me for inspiration as she goes through school. She was talking to me about my college & stuff. She mentioned that my father had set her up a college fund so she could attend the same places as I did.
I told her to be careful about relying on that fund to pay for college as it might just disappear when she actually needs it. I told her what happened to my college fund & why most of the family won’t put money into that account.
She seemed quite upset by this because her mom hides most of the crap my father pulls so my little sister doesn’t know how horrible he actually is. She seemed a bit disappointed & discouraged. I tried to reassure her that I would be there to help her in any way I can but she just wanted to change the subject.
I felt horrible for telling her that but I didn’t want her to face the pain I did when I found out that it wasn’t there when I needed it.
AITJ for telling her not to rely on the college fund my father set up for her & why no one else in the family will add to that account?
My little sister will be 11 next month. When I say watch her it’s more of a visit because she takes care of herself but my dad’s ex does not like to leave her alone in their apartment.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. However, your sister is 10 (soon 11).
Her mom is probably going to hide things from her still. Telling her about the college fund is a good idea. My parents were always open about the fact that there wasn’t going to be much money in our fund. Your sister needs to know (gently and in age-appropriate ways) about some of your dad’s crap as time goes on so she isn’t screwed over later.
In my opinion, you are being a good sister and hopefully, your sister can still achieve her dreams.” Wizardinred
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She needed to know. However, I’m wondering if your family would be willing to put money into an account he can’t touch.
Maybe one held by you. If you want to contribute (and it’s totally understandable if you don’t. You do still have your own loans to pay off), wonderful. Otherwise, your contribution can be managing the account until she’s ready for college, and just let the rest of the family contribute the funds.” ApprehensiveBook4214
7. AITJ For Not Wanting My Partner's Grandchildren To Call Me Grandma?
“I am in a 20-year relationship that started after I divorced. When I met my partner he told me he was separated from his wife. He was at my house every day after work (5 pm) and spent the night, so there was no reason to doubt.
However, he was lying and continued to stay married until she passed 4 years ago. Didn’t even meet his kids until 2 years ago. He has several grandchildren and occasionally has one over, so ‘he looks like the good guy’ – his words.
I don’t think I should be responsible for the care of them when they visit, ie toilet duties for those who don’t know how to wipe their butt, all-day entertainment.
I cook daily meals and do interact with them however I don’t want to be called grandma and he says I’m a jerk for not letting them and not taking primary care of them all day.
He is retired, I work full-time albeit from home but I do work.
I don’t have grandchildren. My kids have elected to remain childless and I don’t want that title. I said they could call me by my name. They did meet their grandma and their moms reminded them of her memory. His kids only visit to drop them off.
No holidays here together, no drop in visits. Their choice as they are always welcome but I feel they want a free babysitter. If I’m going to be out of town they’ll wait till I come back to bring them over.
So am I the jerk for not wanting the role or the title?
By the way, our relationship is on rocky ground so yes that also contributes to my position.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and don’t budge from your position! Your partner is flat-out using you. He moved away from his kids 20 years ago and has not worked on building a relationship with them since.
You have no relationship with them. They drop their young children off at your shared home only when you are there, which proves they know HE is not doing the caregiving. He allows them to do this because it makes HIM look good, while you have to do the work of looking after them.
You made it clear how you feel about this from the get-go but he is pushing you to accept the role and other than the name, you ARE taking on the role. So if this is your hill to die on, dig in your heels and ensure you have a manicure scheduled the next time a kid needs caring for.
Or if you are working from home, lock yourself in your office (with lots of provisions!) for really important meetings, vital deadlines, etc and don’t come out until the kids are gone. They cry and he doesn’t know what to do? ‘Call their mom, I’m unavailable!’ Time to draw the line in the sand, even if it means losing your partner if you are serious about not becoming a permanent babysitter.” User
Another User Comments:
“Just tell them they cannot drop the kids off for you to watch. That they wait until you are home to do it is using you. When they show up, take your computer and leave and do your work at the library or just sit in your car in a Starbucks parking lot and use their wifi with a drive-thru coffee.
You are the only person allowing them to do this. You’ve only known them for two years. What did they do before that? Stop being a doormat!” Malibucat48
6. AITJ For Refusing To Take Down My Snapchat Post?
“I (16m) took a picture of our front porch after someone had glitter bombed our house, smeared some paint on our pillar on our front porch, and kicked our front door.
The picture I posted only shows the porch and pillar, with the caption ‘Who glitter bombed our porch and smeared paint on our pillar?’ and posted it on my public story, and my HS snap story, a new addition to Snapchat.
Shortly after, my sister (14f) asked me to take it down.
I talked to my dad and he said I could keep it up. Shortly after, my sister calls my mom and begs her to make me take it down. My mom calls me and we talk. She also says I can keep it up.
Later, my sister messages me and begs me to take it down.
We get into an argument where I ask her for any reason, to which she says it’s embarrassing and public humiliation. Again, I ask her to explain because she’s being rather vague. What is there to be embarrassed about? She then asks why I can’t just back her up and names all the things she does for me.
Guilt hits after she asks me that. So of course, though it won’t solve anything after 300 people have seen it, I take the picture down. She continues to name things she says about me and my friends, backing us up to her friends, and the guilt sets in more.
I feel bad for making her that embarrassed but I don’t see how I was embarrassing her by posting that picture. Mind you, it doesn’t show anything special about our home. No landmarks or stand-outs other than a few porch decorations.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is one of those gray areas where you have every RIGHT to stick to your guns, but it’s also reasonable to just graciously concede to avoid upsetting someone, even if they don’t have a rational reason to be upset. The right thing to do kind of depends on context: if you’re being treated like a doormat, it can be necessary to stick up for yourself, but having empathy and compassion is a good personality trait.
Looks like you basically navigated a hard choice to the best of your ability, with the right concerns in mind.” cdsmith
Another User Comments:
“There really isn’t a case of NTJ/YTJ here, this is more simply a matter of perspective regarding the incident and individual impact.
You’re NTJ for keeping it up, she’s NTJ for wanting it down. You’re teenagers and such circumstances are going to be a multitude of things and nothing at all at that age. I would, however, comment on what I like to call ‘the law of significance.’ It’s something in how I treat others myself.
If something I do/say/participate in causes conflict with another, I ask myself what is the significance to me in relenting to their emotions/feelings.
As an example, something that has been a longstanding debate at the forefront of society. Use of pronouns. If someone corrects me or states that not addressing them as ‘x/x’ is hurtful/offensive to them, I ask myself ‘What does giving in to their request do to me?’ Will it cause me harm?
Will it prevent me from being able to work, sleep, eat, enjoy myself or friends/life? Will it in any way cause me an inconvenience to spare their feelings on the matter? If not, I see no reason not to oblige the request. At worst, it does nothing to me, and at best they feel better/safer/heard.
The picture/event doesn’t seem to be significant to you (hard to tell as you really didn’t explain why you refused, so have to assume it’s like many and mostly because you didn’t see what the big deal was). So at worst, nothing really happens if you take the picture down.
At best, your sister feels supported/secure. Somewhere in the middle is still a bit of both of that.” MeanProfessional8880
5. AITJ For Stealing The Family For Thanksgiving?
“Thanksgiving is tomorrow. I have a broken leg and use crutches. Now my DIL is supposed to host this year.
For some background, we don’t get along that well. Personally, she annoys me due to her blowing things up for no reason. She is a drama queen, any small slight towards her will make her go on and on.
For example, I got her the wrong size of jeans one year and I have heard about it for ages. I was one size off and she took it I was calling her fat. I wasn’t that’s why I kept the receipt in the gift in case it didn’t fit and I even asked my son her size so I would be close.
I have more but I think that example makes the point.
They own two properties – a house in the suburbs and a mountain cabin. I got a text a few days ago asking me to bring my homemade pie. I told her I couldn’t really cook due to my leg and I could bring a premade one.
That wasn’t good enough and we got into a text argument until she told me it was fine. Soon after she informed the family group chat that Thanksgiving would be at the mountain cabin. I can’t get up there, it’s not crutches safe at all.
I sent the argument we had about the pie and called her a petty jerk for trying to exclude me from Thanksgiving. This caused a huge argument and the whole family is coming to my place tomorrow (my daughter will cook). I’m still getting calls and texts for stealing the family for Thanksgiving.”
Another User Comments:
“If she specifically chose the cabin last minute to spite you, then NTJ. Your story doesn’t necessarily elude to whether or not she has a history of pettiness, or just over-exaggerating. However, you also seem to have handled this whole scenario poorly by basically airing the dirty laundry between you two rather than maybe talking to your son, or whomever is married to DIL about it.
Instead of saying ‘I can’t do the cabin this year due to my leg, please consider coming to my place this year,’ it does sound as if you basically said ‘DIL plans suck, come accommodate me instead.’ Also, is she the only one complaining?
Your concluding comment didn’t mention who the texts/calls are from. If it’s just her, then I wouldn’t worry about it and tell her that she’s the only one who seems incapable of accommodating a temporary injury. Basically, let her make a jerk out of herself if she wants, but you don’t need to fuel that fire.” Taru-Shinkicker
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You’re going to have two kinds of judgment:
1) From the MIL with difficult DIL saying ‘Right on!’
2) From the DIL with the difficult MIL saying ‘You suck!’
They’re bringing their own personal bias in. She sucks by being difficult.
You suck by escalating things like a petulant teenager. One of the best things about gaining wisdom with age is being able to call people out on their crap in a tactful way.” Scared-March7443
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re not stealing them, they are your family.
Of course they will be where you are. Sounds like you dodged a bullet, and can enjoy your day without her. I’m sorry you will miss your son, but you’re broken, what else did she expect? Get well soon.” Complex-Astronaut789
4. AITJ For Not Letting My Daughter Exclude My Son?
“My oldest son has mental health issues (schizophrenia and psychosis) and he can be a bit out there when he’s not on meds. He has been known to self-medicate with street substances as well and that’s never been a good combination. For the past month and a half, he has been off illicit substances and taking the meds RX’d by the doctor.
He seems to be in a pretty good place.
My oldest daughter who is his big sister, is coming into town for the holidays but doesn’t want to be around him at all. She wasn’t here while he was going through all of this but has heard about it, while it was happening from family members.
She says she would like to just stop in at the house and get a plate of food and then have everyone except for him come to the hotel to celebrate an early Christmas, exchange gifts, and play prize games (that I plan out and pay for).
I don’t feel like it’s fair to exclude him, especially since he is clean, following the doctor’s orders, and is acting pretty much like his old self again. I think it will discourage him and cause him to not want to continue trying. He is really excited to see her and doesn’t know how she feels.
I told her she would have to tell him herself because that’s between them.
She says it’s not fair that she is coming all the way home, paying for a hotel, and then not going to be able to spend time with anyone.
(My son is living with me and I am getting legal guardianship of him, so I am making sure that he is taking his meds and going to his appointments.
Both of them are adults.)
AITJ for not wanting to exclude him?”
Another User Comments:
“You say your daughter wasn’t there for the worst of his behavior and therefore doesn’t have any reason to refuse to see him, but you don’t have to be present during a hurricane to know you do not want to be present during landfall and to heed the warnings and evacuate.
Same for your son. He’s clean now but could go off his meds at any point and your daughter, for reasons of her own, doesn’t want to be present for that. Sorry it bothers you, but people get to choose who they associate with.
Now, expecting you to cook/plan/provide food, games, gifts, etc, and exclude your son is silly.
Feel free to tell her no, that if she wants to attend YOUR party she has to respect YOUR guests, but if she hosts her own party in her own hotel room and doesn’t invite your son, well, the same rules apply. She can throw her own party, with her own guest list, food, games, etc, and so can you.
No one is stopping either of you, though I feel sorry for the rest of the family caught in the middle.
You are right that she needs to tell her brother the truth. When it comes to that, stay neutral, that’s between them. But you get to choose who comes to your party and so does she.
NTJ, but I do understand why your daughter doesn’t want to be around your son.” the_owl_syndicate
Another User Comments:
“I don’t think we can force adult siblings to deal with each other. But, I also don’t think one of my kids gets to ask me to exclude their sibling from anything having to do with my home, my time, or my family.
I’d put this back in my daughter’s lap. Even while I understand her apprehension at dealing with her brother, she’s still the one with the problem with his presence. (He’s had troubles, so she expects trouble to intrude, it seems?) ‘You’ll have to tell your brother you don’t want to be around him yourself then.
Life is messy and you can’t claim moral high ground while expecting me to do your dirty work sweetie. If the two of you can come up with a visiting schedule you can both live with, I’ll be here waiting on you at your scheduled times.
But you won’t ever be able to tell your brother that I don’t want him around.’ NTJ. I understand her. I just think she’s putting you in an untenable position and that’s not fair to your or her brother’s progress. Good luck. I don’t think it’s fair to you to put yourself in the middle.” AndSoItGoes24
3. AITJ For Dressing Nicely When I Go To My Kid's School?
“I (F 42) was told by my husband (M 51) that I shouldn’t dress up to go to our child’s elementary school.
I love fashion and do tend to dress up. I don’t like wearing jeans (I don’t like the feel and it’s hot where I live).
So I wear a lot of skirts (usually tea length or to-the-knee and trouser-type pants. I love finding interesting prints and cuts. I usually wear heels and only wear activewear to the gym. I’ve spent a lot of hours cultivating my wardrobe. I volunteer at my daughter’s school often, am on the PTO board, and do pick up and drop off so I’m there a lot and the teachers know me pretty well.
I’m also one of the older moms in elementary and my husband is the oldest dad.
We were at an awards ceremony. I was wearing a printed jumpsuit with an asymmetrical neckline. One of the teachers told me I always look like I just walked off the set of a TV show.
I took it as a compliment. My husband said it wasn’t and she is saying I’m always overdressed. He also said the other parents don’t appreciate me trying to show off since they mostly wear jeans or active wear.
My husband is retired and rarely dresses up.
Which is fine with me, especially since he had to wear a suit every day for 30 years. It’s all personal preference I think. I just prefer different. He used to love my style but seems over it since he retired. So should I be dressing more like other parents?”
Another User Comments:
“Yeah YTJ – people who ‘dress up’ like that are only trying to make it seem like they are more than what they are. You can claim the whole ‘fashion’ thing all you want, but most women who do what you do are merely looking for attention and playing the role of ‘I’m better than you’.
I think your husband finally saw the light and is trying to be nice about you needing to simmer down. I’m sure your daughter is embarrassed as well but just hasn’t said anything about it. You need to bring yourself back to reality.” Maximum_Employer5580
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m (33) a mom of young kids and I’m on the PTA board. Sometimes I dress up a little or do some make-up, most of the time I don’t. However, it’s really nice to see all the different parents and walks of life that make our community special. Here’s what I took from what you said: you showed up to an awards ceremony for a child’s school.
You volunteer. You are invested and involved and you’re doing so in a way that is special to you. Not once did you mention that you look down on other moms or parents for how they dress, that might have made you the jerk, but you didn’t.
You do this for you and that’s awesome.” missag_2490
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You should dress as you please and enjoy. If the others feel some kind of way, that’s on them. I have a friend like you. She’s always very well put together.
I’m a jeans and tee kinda gal. I laugh at her effort and she laughs at my lack of effort. Neither of us is uncomfortable over it. I don’t know why your husband is trying to rain on your parade, but please don’t let him.” TheRealBuggus
2. AITJ For Not Allowing My Kid To Go Near A Dog?
“I (34M) have a 16-month-old with another on the way. We are not a pet family. My wife and I do not like dogs or cats. We have no plans to have any even if in the future the kids beg for it. My son was playing outside the other day and an older lady with her 2 dogs walked down our street.
I think a golden and a smaller one.
My son is very friendly right now. Says hi to everyone and will yell at anything that moves. The lady crossed the street after my son said hi and came and asked him if he wanted to pet the dogs.
I held him back and let the lady know that we’ll just say hi from here. She said don’t worry, they are friendly and very well-behaved. I reaffirmed that we’d just say hi from here. She just kinda stared awkwardly at me. I was hoping she’d just move on.
She said are you not going to ever let your son around dogs? I said something along the lines of ‘he is still very little, right now we are teaching him to just say hi from far away and to not go up to touch them.
We’ll allow it when he is older, but not right now.’ I said have a good day trying to end the conversation.
She started giving me parenting advice that I was going to teach my kids to be afraid of animals, that I was going to stunt their development, and said she was a firm believer in introducing them young.
She mentioned her kids grew up with dogs. I told her I don’t agree with you and you can keep walking now. She was taken aback by what I said. She said ‘poor kid has a jerk parent.’ I just walked away. Am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you had boundaries with your children for safety and not to get hopes up for a pet. I typically have the opposite interactions with kids when walking my dogs. Normally the parents just let their kids run at my dogs while screaming ‘puppy’ which scares the crap outta the dog(s) and I need to grab my dog to calm them down before allowing them to gently pet them if I’m feeling generous after that type of interaction.
If a kid nicely asks to pet a dog that’s fine but to rush at and scream is so scary because some dogs react badly to that and can bite the kid. It’s also totally okay for kids not to pet a dog because of parenting boundaries.” SeashellsAtSeashore
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s actually great that you’re teaching your son to say hi from a distance. Maybe her dogs are nice, but not all dogs you encounter are going to be friendly or good with kids. If your son learns to just run up to them without a second thought that could end horribly for everyone involved. I had a dog that loved kids, and she really was the most gentle soul ever, but I never let random kids pet her.
I knew my dog was wonderful with kids – but strangers didn’t know that. They didn’t know anything about my dog.” AltruisticCableCar
1. WIBTJ If I Don't Let My Stepson Meet His Biological Father?
“I (45M) have been married to my wife (42F) for 13 years. I have a stepson Alex (17M) who I have raised ever since he was a toddler, we may not be blood-related but he calls me dad, I raised him as my son, and I am his dad no questions asked.
Now I have never personally met his biological dad but as far as I know he basically completely abandoned his wife and kid (he gave all custody to my wife) for god knows why leaving my now wife homeless. Like I said I haven’t met him but even though I didn’t know him personally of course I had resentment towards him like how can someone leave his own wife and kid behind?
But I know I have bias.
Now Alex’s 18th birthday is coming up in a few weeks. And my wife posted something about it on social media, I left a comment on it and I guess that’s how the deadbeat was able to find my account.
He messaged me asking to meet ‘his’ son for his 18th birthday. Though the message was addressed to both me and my wife I don’t really understand why he messaged specifically me. But he did say we didn’t have to introduce him to Alex as Alex’s father (though I mean Alex knows I’m not his biological father).
My wife is completely neutral in this decision and has left it up to me to decide. And honestly, I don’t want him to meet Alex. I’m Alex’s dad, that deadbeat represents absolutely nothing. But yes a small part of me is also scared Alex will start to consider that deadbeat his dad.
That’s why I’m asking WIBTJ if I took that experience away from my son? If I didn’t let my son meet his biological dad?”
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ – This is something you need to let your son decide. You tell him his dad reached out and wants to meet him, and then you let him determine if he wants to or not.
Your son will be 18 and his bio dad can reach out to him at that point. Do you really want his bio dad telling him that he asked you guys to see him but you ‘kept him from him’? That would probably just cause more issues.
I know you are nervous but I don’t know anyone who’s had a loving family home and when a bio parent shows up the child just says screw the person who has raised them. He is still going to be your son and you’re still going to be Dad to him.” judgingA-holes
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Look I get where you are coming from but I feel it’s going to be a lot worse for you if you don’t let your son know what is going on and let HIM decide if he wants to pursue a meeting.
I’m adopted and my biological mother is a similar type of character who wanted to meet me the day I turned 18… Yes, I found out the hard way that she wasn’t reliable but my parents never tried to stop me because they knew if they did they risked straining our own relationship.
If you think you’re going to try and shelter your son from disappointment in life then this isn’t the way to go about it… You need to let him make his own decisions and be there for advice when things go pear-shape. Making decisions for him when by law he is now an adult could lead to resentment towards you and him feeling you’re being too overbearing.” ColdstreamCapple
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