People Request Some Insight Into Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
14. AITJ For Sending A Link About OCD To My Wife?
“My (30M) wife (21F) grew up in a super traditional household. She loves to be a housewife; I like it too! Nothing is better than getting back from work and having a warm plate of food on the table. But this trait comes with a flaw, she is crazy about tidiness. She would get angry about me leaving cabinet doors open, or leaving a wrapper on the table and not tossing it in the first 5 minutes, you get the picture and I agree I am really bad when it comes to tidiness.
Moving forward now we have a lovely child (3monthsF). For the sake of my daughter, I realized I have to change. Now I put on clean clothes right after I come back from work, I put my shoes outside, I toss the wrappers, I put the dishes in the sink, I still leave the cabinet doors open though (sometimes). Basic stuff I know but it’s an improvement.
Let’s not mention helping with the kid, I love feeding her and changing diapers and everything.
After my change, you would expect that she would calm down a little, but I was wrong. Now she is even crazier about tidiness. I feel like even if I was perfect she would still find something to get angry for. I started observing her, she is like being on substances 24/7.
I eat 2 burgers, she will take the wrapper of the first when I finish it and go toss it, then come back and take the second wrapper and toss it again. She would pause her series to go put her glass of chocolate milk in the sink.
She is even crazier about illnesses now, its 22-24C in the house all the time and she is getting mad if I have the daughter without a blanket at any given time.
One day it was 20C outside and I took her to the balcony without a blanket to get some fresh air for like 5 mins and she got mad at me again. I go to the toilet for like 2 mins and leave our room door open because I don’t want to wake my daughter up by opening and closing the door 2 times, again mad because she is gonna get cold.
I am trying to explain that physics doesn’t work like this. She won’t listen. Even the doctor told her not to be afraid of the cold, but nothing, her answer is ‘I know what’s best for my kid.’
Aside from tidiness and illnesses, she is afraid of thieves, she has never seen a thief in her life! She locks the door during the day, while we are inside.
We live in a pretty safe and small town. Sometimes she wakes up just to ask me if I locked the door.
So I start to believe that my wife has OCD. I found a nice site about OCD including a test and sent her the link saying that I saw some traits in her and here is an interesting link that might help her. Told her that whatever she decided I will be by her side, I don’t think that she has a problem but this might help her relieve her anxiety about some stuff.
She got very angry, she said she is disappointed in me for believing that she is sick. That tidiness shows how good a person is and she is not gonna feel sorry for being tidy. I told her it was not about tidiness but about all the anxiety she has had all day.
AITJ? How do I approach this matter, I feel like her OCD will affect my and my kid’s life.
Edit: People believe that I manipulated my wife because she is almost a teenager. You can’t be almost a teenager. She is an adult, she can decide whatever she wants you creepy people. Being a housewife is in her blood, her mother and grandmother are exactly like this, and I didn’t marry her having in mind this trait. Actually, I never imagined I would marry a traditional wife since I am a rave party veteran kind of a guy.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and this is why.
Honestly, this sounds like a woman who was just pregnant and had her first child. Women are bombarded with claims as to why they aren’t good mothers both by other women and marketing campaigns. In addition, she is full of hormones and terrified of being called a bad mother. OP probably needs to try and tell her she is a good mother and help her understand that she can be a good mother and that leaving a cup on the table for 10 minutes is ok.
What worried me though is your idea of cleaning and helping out is putting dishes in the sink and throwing garbage in a bin?! She has the responsibility of a whole human being. Try actually doing the dishes and helping out with household chores. Putting them in the sink doesn’t mean they magically clean themselves.” jingletown92
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. The things you do annoy me too because my wife does them.
Leaving cabinets open (seriously, what? You open it, grab what you need, and then close it. Why are they being left open?) Putting dishes in the sink without rinsing them off as a courtesy. I do the dishes in my house and have food dried and stuck on them that takes me 5 minutes to pick off when it would take seconds to wash off if it had been rinsed off first.
It’s not that hard or time-consuming.
Leaving wrappers around? From what? Like… candy? Yea, that’s pretty lazy too. You open candy. Put candy in your mouth. Throw wrapper away. Enjoy candy. Now, grabbing your trash while you’re eating lunch or whatever is pretty annoying though.
And I also don’t like clutter. Crap just sitting out on the counters when it has a place. Put it in its place.
You approached the situation a little brazenly.” MorganthSilvermoon
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for a few reasons.
First, your wife has been cleaning up after you forever, and you only now realize it’s an issue because you have a kid.
Second, you’re concerned about your wife’s anxiety about tidiness, but have you ever actually stepped up and taken on way more? Based on your write up here, it seems like you are trying more, but please know your wife probably does 50x more than you to keep your house up and running if your idea of helping is sometimes closing the cabinets and putting your dishes in the sink (instead of the dishwasher or washing them.) Even your newfound version of helping still requires your wife to follow you around like a maid all day.
Third, when you finally thought your wife might have anxiety or even OCD (which by the way isn’t just about tidiness at all – it’s a serious medical condition) your solution was to text her a random article instead of talking to her about it.
Your wife probably is anxious and overworked. But from what you described it’s because she’s a mom who is a mom to a kid and also to a husband. Send her on a spa day and clean the whole house from top to bottom while juggling the kid and you might appreciate why she’s so anxious.” IsTheHorseSmart
13. AITJ For Not Being Willing To Give A Testament In My Ex-Husband's Defense?
“My ex-husband and I had a nasty divorce after 20 years of marriage. He fooled around with not less than 3 of his former co-workers and married his last mistress. It was an ugly divorce. We share a 19-year-old son who doesn’t talk to his father anymore.
The ex and his wife are currently pregnant with their first child.
When my ex and I were married, there was this particular woman from his job who started blackmailing my ex for funds.
She used to send him threatening messages and ended up stalking me for weeks. It was a scary time. Apparently, she has mental health issues and was in love with my ex. According to him, she turned crazy when he didn’t return her feelings. He showed me her messages, so I had no reason to doubt his story.
She left us alone and we moved on with our life.
Now all of this happened around 8 years ago, way before I had any inkling of his affairs.
Now cut to the present, without going into the details, this woman has now accused my ex of some serious misconduct.
My ex-husband burned many bridges as a result of a company lawsuit, which cost him friends in his job. Those people are now supporting the woman’s claims.
In his defense, my ex said that I was a witness to the woman’s crazy behavior with the stalking and repeated blackmail.
People know that we had an ugly divorce and that we no longer talk to each other. My testimony would hold a lot of weight.
So my ex-husband turned up on my doorstep last night, asking me to speak in favor of his character. I was directed to say that my ex-husband is a good man. I was also asked to talk about the stalking incident.
I refused.
I really don’t want to involve myself in his mess. We are divorced for a reason. Moreover, I don’t even know if he is innocent. I don’t know this man at all. I just want to remove myself from his issues completely.
He has called me a horrible woman who is punishing an unborn child who needs his father to provide for him and be around.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
First of all, you only know the allegations that your ex was making based on what he showed you, and what the woman did. You have no idea what your ex was actually telling this woman that made her believe her behavior was appropriate. No idea what really went on between them.
What you do know is:
- Your ex has a documented history of having affairs with people at work
- This woman’s accusation of misconduct has other people backing her claim
- Your ex is asking you to confirm his side of the story and make a statement about his goodness.
I wouldn’t touch this situation with a 10-foot pole.
Even if you provide a character statement, who in the world would ever believe it? All a lawyer (like the prosecution) would have to do is cross-examine you and ask about your marital history. ‘Why did you get divorced?’ Done.
Secondly, this man HAS A WIFE. Why doesn’t she provide a character statement if he’s such a prince?
Thirdly, why would he need a character statement if he didn’t do what this woman claims? Instead, his defense depends on you saying he’s a nice guy?
This man repeatedly made a ton of lousy choices and clearly hurt multiple people in the process.
It sounds like he’s about to find out what the consequences are. YOU are not any kind of ‘horrible’ person for not protecting him from the things he did to others and himself. Again, he has his wife to say nice things about him. You divorced ALL of this and it is behind you. Let it stay there.” User
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You don’t have to vouch for your ex-husband’s character, but you should at least give a testimony about the blackmail he received.
Whether he is innocent is for a judge to decide, but that requires all information. Being aware of blackmail and having a witness for it is a MASSIVELY deciding factor in the context of such accusations. While he certainly was a complete jerk in your marriage, from his point of view, you’re now ruining a (potentially) innocent man’s life out of spite, his life.
You have a legitimate reason to spite him for his misconduct.
A very, very, very good one – but what happened between you and him is a different topic. The testimony is not a sign of love for him, it’s a sign of being a decent human being that cares about justice more than revenge. You got a chance for revenge and took it, potentially ruining the rest of his whole life.
By refusing a crucial testimony (again: blackmail, not character) you’re helping to send somebody to jail for something he (likely) didn’t commit.
That’s huge.” sdric
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, obviously you don’t know the whole story if he fooled around with 3 co-workers. My dad’s mistress (now wife) stalked my mom while they were married, harassed her at work, left lipsticks in her drawer, crazy stuff. It took her coworker threatening to jump her if she didn’t leave my mom alone to make her stop.
Maybe this lady was his mistress, you don’t know.
And you can’t testify to what you don’t know, not legally or ethically. If you really wanted to be the jerk, testify that a lot went on at work that you were not aware of, but he was in no way trustworthy and anything could have happened with this lady. That it would not surprise you if she was 100% right about him given his character.
That would be the truth. Don’t commit perjury for this guy and get yourself in trouble.
He is his wife’s problem now. If she didn’t want him for better or worse, for richer or poorer, then she shouldn’t have made those vows. If you’re sneaking around with a shady guy, why are you surprised when his actions catch up to him? This is karma in action, let them worry about themselves.” ladysuccubus
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
This won’t be popular but hear me out here.
A few things to think about here. I can see why this thread is mostly jumping to the NTJs which is understandable. What stands out to me though is what you described having seen from this woman yourself, which makes it seem like there is a huge possibility he is in fact innocent in this case – despite everything else he might have done.
Which seems to mostly be affairs and homewrecking.
Not that any of that is cool by any means, definitely sociopathic and messed up. Some people seem to have this polar view that anyone who commits one crime means they’d do any crime – i.e. if someone’s a liar, then they might as well be a harasser as well. Couldn’t be further from the truth. Someone who can’t respect fidelity may make them a horrible person, but it certainly doesn’t mean they can’t respect consent.
The thing is, he’s not asking you to testify to his character – it seems like he wants you to testify against this woman based on what you’ve seen her do. And yes, you did mention you don’t know whether he’s innocent (which is another thing this thread seems to be clinging to) – but again, that’s not what’s being asked here. I’m sure the court is smart enough anyway to know that you have no concrete way of knowing his innocence, obviously, you’ve been out of touch with him for a number of years.
The bottom line is, you were the one to catch wind and witness most of the stuff this woman did while you were by his side (which sounds pretty despicable), and I’m sure because of that, burning the bridge with you is now biting him in the butt and I’m sure he regrets it. Which actually does speak volumes about him reaching out to you despite that.
No idea what’s going on in his workplace and what evidence and testimonies the court has – but the reason I say ‘everyone sucks here’ is that if he is innocent, it seems like you do in fact have evidence that could exonerate him which you are choosing to withhold, leading to everything happening to him wrongfully. I get that you’re upset with him and detest him, but if it’s to the point of being okay with being potentially responsible for that – then everyone sucks here.
I mean, there’s also the chance he’s guilty – but if he is, there’s little to no chance what you have on this woman will outbalance whatever else they have led to him walking free.
Frankly, I think that’s less likely given what you’ve told us about her – if she was stalking him and into him, and also saw him being the ‘office player’ sleeping around with everyone BUT her, that’s bound to mess her up and drive her over the edge to do some crazy things.” User
So that’s your “counter-offer” if you decide to make one. “I can testify to the stalking type things that the woman did directly to me because those are the things that I actually experienced. I won’t perjure myself and say you’re a good man because I don’t think you are”. He can take it or leave it.
Or you can leave it as is and stay out of it.
12. AITJ For Not Letting My Teenage Son Stay Home During A Vacation?
“About 2 weeks (maybe a little less) ago my son’s (16) partner of 4 years’ dad passed away. My son at the time was deeply upset and wanted to be there for his girl but the problem was that we had to leave a day later for a cruise and my son was going to be forced to miss her dad’s funeral. He pleaded with me and my wife to let him stay home to be there for his girl.
We told him no for a variety of reasons. For one we already paid for 2 cabins + and there was no one to stay home with him so it was impractical + we didn’t want to miss out on quality family time with him and his sister as my wife and I have to work away from home.
So we ended up going and bought him data on the ship so he could still console his girl as we hoped this would settle him down.
But this was to no avail, he was really moody and edgy for a lot of the trip. We tried everything to help him enjoy himself but he wouldn’t for some reason. We got back recently and he’s still mad at me and my wife. AITJ? My wife and I just didn’t want to miss out on quality family time and didn’t see the point and feasibility of him staying home.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
It’s not just that he wanted to be there for his girl, that man has been in his very short life for four years. A quarter of your son’s life. He doesn’t just (very understandably) want to comfort his girl, he’s grieving too. And y’all are just like, ‘Man that sucks, but why you bein such a buzzkill on vacay?’ I personally think 16 is old enough to make the decision not to go for himself.
I can understand that some parents would be uncomfortable with him staying alone for that amount of time, but that doesn’t seem to be the case here, and I’m sure there are family or friends that could help if it was. It really sounds like you just wanted your son to push down on his own grief and ‘suck it up’ so that the funds you spent on the cruise wouldn’t go to waste.” ZucchiniPasta
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Your family must be a complete train wreck if that is your idea of ‘quality family time’ since it shows you have absolutely no idea what it is.
Your son’s long-term committed partner suffered a crushing blow. Your son probably had a very meaningful relationship with the father if they were together for four years. 16 is old enough to stay home and I’m sure that the girl’s family probably would have taken him in so she could have some comfort in the worst days of her young life.
I’m sure if your simple butt fell off the boat and drowned (which is realistic since you are a very, very short-sighted man) you would want your children to have every means of support and comfort possibly available to them. Yet you denied that girl the same because you wanted ‘quality family time.’ Are you really that petty?
How did that go for you? Dragging an almost adult along when they had serious obligations elsewhere? He obviously resented being there and resented you.
Anybody with two brain cells to rub together would see that he’d be miserable and angry about it, and took a sledgehammer to your relationship with your son. So please explain, just how that is supposed to be ‘quality family time?’ Getting a lesson in what a terrible father looks like? This is just an epic failure of both being a father and being a man.
Good thing your son seems to have better instincts in that regard. Must have come from his mother’s side.” MocequaDePerigo
Another User Comments:
“OP’s case: the vacation was already paid for and likely couldn’t get a refund last minute for the second cabin. While some say 16 is old enough to stay home alone, to others it’s not. OP had this vacation planned for a hot minute I’m guessing as well.
OP didn’t want to lose out on the funds spent which is understandable. OP also tried making the best of the situation while still bringing the son along for the trip by providing data, which can be expensive.
Son’s case: his partner of 4 years just lost her father. It’s likely that in that time frame, the son had also forged a relationship with the deceased father as well.
He wants to be there for his partner and her dad’s passing is just horrible timing (funerals usually are…) Since he isn’t able to grieve with his partner in person, it’s understandable he’s going to be extra moody on top of being a teenager. It’s hard telling if he was also trying to make the best of this or was just being an outright bummer because of other factors the son couldn’t control.
Both sides have valid reasons for their feelings. I don’t expect the teenage son to suck it up when there is a death in his partner’s family, especially when they’ve been together for 4 years and I also don’t expect OP to lose out on the funds they spent. My only other question in this is would it be possible to bring someone else instead of the son, like one of your daughter’s friends? (You mentioned he had a sister…)
With the son grieving, it had to cross your mind that you weren’t going to get a whole lot out of him quality-time wise, regardless of what accommodations you made for him.
It’s also likely he’s going to resent you for a long time to come as well and as soon as he turns 18, he’s gone.
At some point, you two are going to have to hash this out and both find a way to forgive each other for your actions.
Final verdict: NTJ. Find a way to forgive each other…” Thatroyalkitty
11. AITJ For Refusing To Make My Kids Share Rooms?
“I currently live with my 2 kids (13 M and 10 F). I got married to my current wife last November. She has 2 kids of her own (10 M and 9 F). All our kids have known each other for a while and are pretty comfortable considering we have been in each other’s lives for 4 years.
She and her kids are set to move in with mine and me at the end of the month.
We live in a 4 bedroom house. Now I must add that the basement is what I like to call ‘semi-finished’. There is a room down there that can be made into a nice bedroom with the proper work done. What sucks is that there is no bathroom down there though.
Here’s the issue. I promised my kids that their rooms would not change. And I intend to keep that promise.
This means that they will not have to switch rooms or share rooms. I believe that at least in the near future, we use the fourth bedroom and put both her children in there. And down the line whatever happens with the basement might happen.
Her idea is that her son will move in with my son and her daughter in with mine. She works from home more often than she actually goes into the office, and would love to make the empty bedroom into an office.
So she’s not ‘working at the dinner table’.
She thinks I need to explain to my children that things are going to need to change a bit because of the blending of families. My kids were nervous about this merger since the wedding, and being their dad I told them they don’t have to worry.
A little more info. My kid’s mother is not in their lives. Long story.
My wife’s kids spend every other weekend with their father.
AITJ for refusing to budge on this issue?
I don’t want my wife to think I don’t care about her kids, but I know it’s going to be hard on mine. They refer to not wanting ‘annoying little shadows’ around them in their rooms. They do all get along, but my wife’s kids, being younger sort of idolize my kids.
And I’m not sure mine are old enough to get that.
EDIT: I have to clarify, we are NOT putting step kids in an unfinished basement. Nobody is living in an unfinished basement. It will be finished before someone goes down there.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Of course, you want to make this as easy on your kids as possible. But think about your wife’s children – their lives are being uprooted even more than your kids’ lives are.
They’re leaving their home, their bedrooms, and going to move into an entirely new place. You each have a child the same age. What makes it fair to allow one 10-year-old to have their own room and another 10-year-old has to share with a younger sibling? If your marriage is an equal partnership, why do her kids get the short end of the stick?
This is really something you and your wife should have discussed prior to deciding to move into your house.
Your kids of course want to keep the status quo, but it seems very unfair to your wife’s kids. If moving to another more fitting home isn’t an option, you should seriously consider turning the basement into another room so that everyone can have their own space. You obviously went into the relationship understanding that you would end up being a large part of her children’s lives, and you’re going to breed resentment from them if you make it so obvious that your two children take precedence over them.” yodiggitydonut
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to go out on a limb and say ‘no jerks here’.
It’s a new situation, and it’s going to be tricky to acclimate. Even if your kids have known each other for four years, living with someone and knowing them are two different things and are two different comfort levels. Your wife is sincerely trying, as are you – your sincere attempts at upholding a promise you made to your children are heartwarming.
I understand what your wife is trying to do – not only does she feel they’d be more comfortable sharing a room with their new step-sibling of the same gender, but she’s trying to help them acclimate sooner.
However, in this situation, I would recommend either allowing them all their own space or allowing both sets of siblings to room the way they choose. Allow them the time to adapt to living together before you make them room with each other and it’d make for a smoother transition.
I also understand your wife not wanting to work at the dinner table. I would also recommend the two of you sit down and brainstorm and figure out a way to work it out.
Maybe you can’t, and eventually, that promise will need to be broken, but an honest attempt at keeping the promise is admirable in its own right, and your children will see (and eventually come to appreciate) your efforts.
No disrespect for referring to your wife’s children as stepsiblings, as well. I know others have an opinion on it and say that they should be referred to as mere siblings, however, in the interest of separating who I was talking about, I felt it was appropriate.
Congratulations on your nuptials, and may your marriage be a long and happy one.” IndiGrimm
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – it is not fair to promise ‘no change’ for your kids when her kids have so much change. And it is also not appropriate to make her children share a room at their ages. As others have mentioned – your top priority should be getting that basement ‘fully finished’ before you blend the families.
And then, if one of her kids doesn’t just LOVE the idea of being the only one in the basement (not accepting of it, but actually wants it) then there should be a random pull a room assignment out of a hat situation for EVERYONE (adults included) so that person(s) living down in the basement doesn’t feel like they are less important than any other member of the family.
In a four-bedroom home, with a full basement, I’m sure there is space somewhere for your wife to set up a desk and a little partition screen to serve as her ‘office’. I appreciate that you want to keep your promise to your children, but you should not have made that promise before you and your wife had the living situation agreed on first. By making her kids feel less important than yours from the start, you’re not going to fare well in the future.
The best situation would be to sell your house and buy one together with your wife, one that accommodates the whole family without leaving anyone feeling less important than anyone else. I realize this is probably much harder and probably more time-consuming than finishing the basement would be.” Just_JandB_for_Me
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, but this is a problem that can be solved. At this point, it’s clear that all the kids need their own rooms.
This may take a little juggling and negotiating and obviously requires finishing the basement room ASAP, but that really seems like the safest way to ensure that all the kids have what they need in order to handle this transition. Would your oldest be ok with moving downstairs in the name of greater privacy and being able to do up the room with his input?
Your wife’s desire for a home workspace is understandable, but for now, that needs to wait.
She doesn’t work from home 24/7 and there ARE places for her to take care of business for now, even if they’re not ideal. The kids’ need for private space in the face of a big upheaval is way more important. After the basement bedroom is sorted for one of the kids, maybe the rest of that area can be adapted into a work-friendly environment for her.” spring13
10. AITJ For Cutting Off My Parents After My Engagement?
“My (23f) family is decently well off. Before retirement, my father was a very successful business owner and my mother was a nurse.
My significant other (26m) of four years proposed to me two months ago. This is something I was very very shocked by, as things have been a bit rocky the past year or so (both working a lot, different sleep schedules, loss of connection), etc.
as surprising as it was I still felt overwhelmed with joy and excitement. He seemed thrilled and even had tears in his eyes while asking (which made me feel this was genuine).
I felt so emotional. The person I had loved for four years had asked me to marry them. This made me burst. But the thought of the randomness of the proposal couldn’t leave my head.
We had practically slept on separate couches the past three months. It was unsettling and confused me.
Time went on and I was less confused because I was engaged and things seemed to get back to how they used to be, in a way.
Fast forward to the day after Valentine’s Day and, my ‘fiancé’ breaks down and tells me that he can’t marry me. He said it wouldn’t be right and he wouldn’t be doing it for the right reasons.
This stabbed my heart. I was so confused and lost and all I could do was question him about why he’d proposed and made me so happy. We were doing SO GOOD.
Finally, he confessed to me that my parents offered him 100k if he would propose to me. After marriage, they promised him that we would be well taken care of and wouldn’t have any struggle.
This was something that he said he couldn’t turn down, but he felt wrong and sick about living a lie.
I completely cut my parents off after going to their homes and talking to them. They did admit it was true and claimed they only did it for ‘my happiness’ since it’s something they knew I wanted so bad.
I no longer have a fiancé (obviously) and have no contact with my parents as of February 15th.
I told them why this was so wrong and so hurtful and they didn’t get why I was being so ungrateful.
AITJ for not continuing a relationship with them? This is now the hardest time of my life I’m going through and I feel extremely guilty but also have so much emotion and hatred for them.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ in the slightest, that’s AWFUL.
Have your parents always tried to use the money to control you, or pressured you to keep to their timeline and vision of what your life should be? 23 is an awkward age in its own way – well old enough to make major decisions but still learning a lot about yourself and the world.
A break from them is an excellent idea to work through this betrayal, and if they’ve always done this, figure out what you want without them muddying the waters.
The NC doesn’t have to be forever – if you find that you can forgive them and that they truly understand why what they did was so messed up, you might be able to have a relationship with them again.
But if they aren’t able to see you as anything except an extension of themselves and therefore something to control, it may be healthiest to keep them at a distance. Good luck with this journey – it will be hard, but the first step sometimes takes the most strength, and you’ve done that part.” User
Another User Comments:
“Maybe her parents wanted to remove finances as an excuse for why they weren’t getting engaged? Plenty of people I knew in my mid-20s were putting off engagement until they could afford it, or were ‘saving up to get engaged.’
Jesus, I’m well off financially and that ring is no small chump change.
I don’t see where the ‘controlling’ aspect came into this? I don’t think the parents went about this the right way, but I don’t see this as underhanded. I feel like people just see ‘cut off my parents’ and fly into an NTJ support group.” SeaPierogi
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t blame you for wanting to separate yourself from them, at least for a while. But it is quite harsh, and I think it would just be better to talk it out with them, maybe after a few years or so, or once you’re willing to.
I don’t think you’re a jerk for wanting to cut them off, but I do think it would be better to reconcile with them once you’re ready. I’m very mad that they did such a thing though. That’s bribery and quite illegal, if I’m not mistaken, depending on where you live. What they did is absolutely horrible! I can’t imagine what both you and your ex-fiancé went through during that period of time.” dyanekaniko
And not that I’m saying that you should get back with the fiancée but I do have to give him props for doing the right thing before the wedding and telling you the truth. If the relationship wasn’t right , then it wasn’t right. At least he was a decent human being though.
9. WIBTJ If I Backed Out Of Being My Sister-In-Law's Bridesmaid?
“I (42F) would like to back out of being a bridesmaid in my husband’s sister’s (29F) wedding. I hate being a bridesmaid. My sister-in-law asked me to be a bridesmaid knowing this. She said that otherwise, I would be the only sibling in her family that wouldn’t be in the wedding party and as my husband is a groomsman ‘people would talk’ and that would distract from ‘her day’.
So, I agreed.
Cut to this week. She has sent me a document that includes my duties for the wedding. I have expressed that I am not willing/able to do this list. But, she insists that it is normal and I would be selfish to not make it perfect.
Design all of her invitations, programs, signage, website, etc. for free. I am a full-time professional designer. She also refuses to sign my pro-bono contract that stipulates things like a number of revision rounds, licenses, etc.
‘because we are family.’ She did not ask me to do this. She said it would be ‘my special job’. The other bridesmaids’ ‘special jobs’ are things like collecting and dropping off tuxes after the wedding.
Drive to (6.5-hour drive) and pay for overnight accommodations for every event she has planned, including 2 wedding dress shopping weekends, a wedding planning weekend, a bridal shower, dress fitting, a decoration weekend, and be in town for a full week before the wedding to assist her in ‘whatever comes up’.
Her other bridesmaids live less than 2 hours from her.
Attend her destination bachelorette party for 6 days for $2400 (this cost covers me and a share of her expense so that she pays nothing).
Purchase and wear a tube top dress (held up with only elastic bands above and below the bust) made of a single layer of lightweight fabric ($120). Problems: 1) I am a heavier, older woman who needs a G-cup supportive bra with straps.
2) Her wedding is outdoors in November in Wisconsin.
Purchase and wear a bra, and robe set ($175) that she has picked out and wear while getting ready and be photographed in it. The largest size is a size too small and I’m very uncomfortable about being photographed even if it is only for her ‘personal album’.
Purchase two pairs of shoes ($120) that she has picked out: heels for the ceremony and ballet flats for the reception.
I get ingrown nails easily and so my podiatrist has told me not to wear these types of shoes that push down on my nails. My sister-in-law said that it would only be for a ‘few’ hours (approx. 2 PM-1 AM) and so I should be able to deal with it.
Purchase and wear a set of costume jewelry that she picked out ($50). I have a major allergy to most metals that make me break out in hives if worn for any period of time.
With her unwillingness to make any concessions, I would like to tell her I cannot be at the wedding. She already has (without me included) seven bridesmaids (all of which are between the ages of 20 and 29, BTW). WIBTJ if I backed out even though I agreed to do it and it would mean being the only one not in the wedding party?
UPDATE:
So, I talked with my husband last night (who also yesterday got his list of demands totaling an additional $3000 at a minimum).
We are both exhausted by this. We got married more than 20 years ago, so I know things are different and people expect different things. But as you have all pointed out, they haven’t changed that much. I decided to call up my mother-in-law this afternoon who is close with her daughter and is helping her with wedding planning. I asked her if she knew what was going on.
Basically, she had reviewed the lists and didn’t think anything was wrong with them and even encouraged her daughter to add more. She thought that having all the decisions made for everyone concerning clothes etc. would be easier than making people shop on their own. She said that this is her only daughter so the last wedding she helped plan was hers 50+ years ago and so thought this was normal today.
(I guess she and my SIL spent a bunch of time on Pinterest coming up with ideas. I assume this is where some of this came from.) I explained that it really wasn’t and even read some of the kinder comments from here. She agreed that my SIL had gone a wee bit overboard and said we should talk to her together about the financial demands (my MIL was concerned the younger girls would be really fretting if I was struggling to pay).
The getting-ready photoshoot with the robes was inspired by my SIL and several of her other bridesmaids being college roommates and her nostalgia of them all running around getting ready together in a similar state. She wants to recreate that. She didn’t think anyone would be uncomfortable because we are all girls and hadn’t considered my age or size at all when coming up with all this.
She apologized for that.
As far as the design work goes, my MIL said she is who suggested it to my SIL. My MIL came to the wedding of my and my husband’s best friends two years ago. I had done all of the design work for their wedding for free as their wedding present. They couldn’t afford to get a pro and had a particular vision that was difficult to find premade templates for (board game themed).
So, I volunteered to do it if they paid for all the material and printing costs. We also live in the same town and my friend is super easygoing and didn’t ask for any revisions and just gave me the latitude to do it. Also, I wasn’t a bridesmaid (she didn’t have any) and so all I had to do was this and show up.
My MIL thought that 1) I had paid for all of it and it wasn’t expensive because I knew vendors and that 2) because I was a pro she thought this would only be a couple of hours of work.
So, guess I found the root problem with my SIL – my MIL. But a lot of it seems to be ignorance and not malice, thank goodness. We (my MIL and I) immediately called my SIL to video chat and talked to her about it all. She still wants most of the things on her list but agreed she should pay for them. I also convinced her that having me in the bridal party was not the best way for me to contribute to her wedding, especially the look she wanted for pictures that were not flattering to me at all.
Instead, I agreed to do the design work with significant limitations, including a contract, only graphic design, and no paperwork or assembly, and my MIL pays printing and material costs. My husband is still in but she agreed that we cannot afford (nor would he enjoy) going to her fiance’s bachelor party with his much younger friends saving us on that big expense.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
SIL is nuts.
She wants you to GIFT her with THOUSANDS of dollars of your SKILLED, professional labor. Front of house. Best case, offer her to design her invitation. One revision. She gets them printed and you’re not coming to help stuff the envelopes or lick the stamps.
You’re too old to hang with these young broads. No offense. I am in the same boat with my younger cousins. My stepmother suggested I stay at the hotel with the ‘younger kids’ when my cousin got married (long story) but I am 12 years older than the OLDEST of them.
We are NOT interested in doing the same things. Imagine going on a bachelorette trip with folks a decade younger that aren’t even your friends. I shudder.
You need a bra! With straps!!! She ain’t thinking about your comfort if she is trying to put you in a tube dress. Screw her! And I have bad feet so I KNOW how important shoes are.
Be as kind as possible but tell her that you would be happy to be a guest or to even pass out programs but other than that, it’s a no.” gele-gel
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! NTJ! NTJ!!! Wow.
I’m curious to know what your husband thinks of all of this? Please tell me he thinks all of this is as selfish and entitled as I do… all of this is just plain wrong on so many levels. I’d back out. I can’t even begin to tell you how unfair all of these requests are to you. She doesn’t care about your finances. She doesn’t care that you will have to take time off work.
She doesn’t care about your health… she literally is using you. She’s using you for free wedding stuff which normally can be quite pricy… she’s using you to do the trashy run-around jobs she and her other bridesmaids don’t want to do… SHE’S USING YOU!!!
The fact all she gives a crap about is herself and how her day will turn out is insane. To literally not care about time, travel, and funds (cause she’s not paying for it so it’s nothing for her) and demands you do all of these things for her is a joke.
She needs a good wake-up call. Yes, a wedding is about the bride and groom. Yes, it’s ok for a bride to want her day to be perfect. NO, IT’S NOT OK TO USE PEOPLE AND TREAT THEM LIKE DIRT BECAUSE YOU ARE THE BRIDE!! Why women do this is beyond me. You’re NOT the jerk here in any way. She definitely is!!” DarknWicked
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, who does she think she is? Free design is not a bridesmaid duty.
The knot.com works just fine and there are some nice invitation websites with templates that she can figure out how to use. My sister/best friend is a professional graphic designer and was my maid of honor and I didn’t ask that of her. I just used one of those sites, made mockups, got her opinions/suggestions, and then ordered them myself. That’s the most I’d offer your SIL in terms of your services.
Showing up to the bachelorette party (usually, just one night out), going to the shower, and helping her get ready the day of should be the extent of your bridesmaid duties, anything beyond that is expected way too much.
I get wanting your girls to look a certain way and match, but that’s insane to expect all that from them. I personally wanted my bridesmaids to have matching winter capes, matching jewelry, and shoes on top of their dresses.
How did I achieve that? I picked out reasonably priced dresses that were really lovely and flattering to all the very different body types and then I bought/gifted them all the extra stuff: capes, jewelry, and shoes because I knew it was a big ask and stuff they’d probably never use again. We had so much fun, we all looked our best and the photos turned out fabulous. If you’re going to spend a ton on your own wedding, might as well invest in your friends so they don’t hate you. They’re not getting married and they shouldn’t have to spend an insane amount to be a part of it.” PrincessSkyhawk
8. AITJ For Lying About Being Depressed?
“I’m a last-year college student and I’m working on a large piece of work that counts towards a large portion of my grade. I’ve been taking extra shifts at work these past few months and haven’t started it yet and it’s due next month – I’ve had since last May to start working on it. At this point I don’t really care about my final grade as I have a job lined up already when I graduate – I’m going full time in my current job.
One of my professors who oversees this piece of work emailed me recently to see where I was with it and I had to go for a meeting with them and admit I hadn’t started it yet. They asked if any health or private issues were going on and if so they could maybe give me longer to submit the work.
I have to add, recently one of my friends has been diagnosed with depression and she has been put on Prozac for it – as a result, she has been given extensions for all of her work.
In a moment of panic, I said I too had been diagnosed as depressed in the hope I could also get an extension. I am planning on going to the docs this week to lie and get a letter from him to confirm I am depressed. I told my friends this and they now won’t speak to me and think I am a jerk – but I don’t see the issue.
No one else is getting hurt, it’s just a small lie?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, because lying about a medical condition makes it that much more difficult for professors to take seriously those students that actually are depressed. You said you didn’t care about your grade, but you are so worried that you would LIE about your health, just to get one.
I highly doubt your doctor will write a letter for you, and expecting your doctor to lie and jeopardize his reputation because you were lazy makes you the jerk.
You think people aren’t getting hurt and that it is a small lie, but you actually don’t realize the amount of effort and stress that those who are actually clinically depressed go through to get taken seriously.
As someone who grades, I will be honest, I am hesitant to give extensions for this reason because I know the majority of students will lie about it. There is a lot of paperwork because students like you take advantage of the system and it has led to a situation where unfortunately we have to be fair to all the students.” circadian511
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
This is why people don’t take depression seriously. This is where the stigma of depression as an excuse to get out of obligations comes from. I get that you’re stressed, and I get that you panicked, but I just want you to understand that you have contributed to the silencing and undermining of actually depressed people.
Being depressed, and having to approach a professor about it, is terrifying.
You never know if they’ll take you seriously, you never know if they’ll judge you or treat you differently. You feel like a pathetic sack of trash for not being able to get out of bed long enough to do what you’re supposed to do. It’s a horrible, empty feeling. It’s embarrassing, hard, and scary. You made light of all of that.” QueenMoogle
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. As someone with depression, I can tell you that faking any mental illness for selfish reasons is horrible and gross.
You should honestly be ashamed of yourself for using a serious mental problem that makes people (like your friend for example) physically and mentally unable to get things in on time because of having a lack of energy not because of laziness (like you) but because the chemicals are imbalanced in their brain. People who have mental illnesses usually have resources because of their problems and you were using that to save your butt. You should tell your professor and apologize. It’s a serious issue.” Random_CatPerson
7. AITJ For Refusing To Help My Little Brother With His Homework?
“My dad says that he wants me to help my little brother with his homework, the problem is I don’t want to. I don’t see the point of homework and due to my 7th-grade experience where I had no time to myself because of all the homework I was reviving, I wish to not experience it again.
He has asked me multiple times and I’ve only agreed on a few occasions.
On those occasions, it has taken me a long time to finish. I know he’s young and his homework is simple but it takes a long time. I’ve tried making it more fun for him but that takes more time. I’ve tried not making it fun and taking less time to explain and somehow it still takes time. And I don’t want to waste my free time like that.
Now in my dad’s defense, he has work and my mom is taking online college classes. The main problem is he waits for a while and THEN does the work. Now in my dad’s defense again, he doesn’t get that much sleep, and will most of the time sleep in his time but I’ve outright seen him watching videos in his free time sometimes. What’s worse about this is when I’ve told him the piles of homework I got in the 7th grade and how I’ve even stayed up to do them he outright told me ‘good’ so he has no excuse.
If he thinks homework is that good he should be doing this stuff right away.
I really really don’t want to do it considering my 7th-grade experience and also that my mom tried to textbook manipulate me into having me grammatically correct her college work which would also take up time. I just don’t want to help anyone with their homework, at all. I’m not in the 7th grade, I’ve refused my mom, life is good.
All I want is time for myself. But hey that could still make me the jerk so I’ll ask it myself.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s your brother, not your child, so you don’t need to help him if you don’t want to.
That being said, ‘my time in 7th grade was hard and I don’t want to experience it again’ is kind of a jerk thing to say.
If you know how bad it was, why not have a little more sympathy for your brother? Wouldn’t the struggles you had at his age help motivate you to help him more?
Maybe you can sit near him when he does his homework and you can work on yours… this gives him the safety net to ask you for help, but you aren’t walking him through every step right away.
Also – online resources are great for kids his age – there are plenty of free things out there.” Razzberries91
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ, help your family.
When I say help, I mean help, so that means that the kid needs to do all of their homework first. If they have issues understanding a couple of their math problems or something, you come in at the end and clear them up.
You shouldn’t be spending hours on someone else’s homework. As for your mom, just tell her to use Grammarly.” whoweoncewere
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – it’s your parent’s job to help your brother as he is their son. However, it sounds like they aren’t asking you that often which can be reasonable. There is a difference between being forced to act like a parent and just being asked to help occasionally.
You sound insufferable. They are asking you to help with homework – not cut off a limb. You had to do homework in 7th grade – that is not a traumatic experience. You didn’t go to war – you did the math. Get over it.” RedditDK2
6. AITJ For Telling My Husband That I Won't Be Sleeping In The Same Room As Him Anymore?
“My husband is a pretty gassy man. He is really into fitness and eats a ton to maintain his physique. The food he eats is honestly disgusting in my opinion and combined with the powder thing he drinks it makes his farts smell like death itself!
He continuously farts while we sleep to the point that the smell wakes me up from my sleep. So I told him to from now on start sleeping in the guest room as that will be his room.
He said he wasn’t moving to the guest room and so I said cool and I packed my things and moved into it.
I actually made it kinda cute for myself. He does not like this setup but I can’t be gassed to death every night with the smell of hot butt and sulfur.
He and I have been giving each other the silent treatment since last night.
To clarify – I didn’t try to force him to move to the guest room. I just told him since he already uses the guest room as his personal gym/work office it would be best he moved there. He said he’d rather stay in our room and I was fine with that. So I moved into that room. He was then frustrated that he had to move all his things from that room to what is now his room.
Further clarity – I obviously voiced my concerns with him several times over the years and he has tried his best I guess not to fart but of course, you can’t control what you do while you are sleeping. There is nothing wrong with him medically, this includes any allergies or gut/intestinal-related issues.
Update – After my second night of great uninterrupted sleep. I woke up feeling like a boss and was able to approach my husband and try to understand his hurt feelings.
I explained my side of things and he understood. He then told me his side of things and basically, the man misses me and has difficulty sleeping without me. As sweet as it is! I just can’t go back to sleeping in the same room as him. He said he’s going to try and fix whatever is causing his violent fart attacks and with any luck, we can soon share a room again.
Hopefully, he can fix it quickly because I do miss late-night hugs with that stink machine!!”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
You can’t be expected to be locked in a gas chamber every night, and as you’re happy to be the one to move rooms it’s fine. If you followed through on making him be the one to sleep in the other room that would be different, but in this case, you’re perfectly justified moving rooms.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
People used to sleep together in the same room because they couldn’t afford to sleep in separate rooms. Royalty would actually have separate rooms. The queen had her own queen’s chamber. But now sleeping together is the norm. But I feel having your own space would be better for your marriage. If you were having trouble you have a place to cool off instead of having to be in the same room all night too.” Leek5
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – you are super definitely entitled to your own space given the circumstances.
Your hubby is getting close to being the jerk, but not yet in my opinion. I feel like this change is probably a big adjustment in his mind and he might feel as though he is being punished for something he feels is out of his control. Or he might feel like sleeping in different bedrooms is a sign something bigger is going on in your marriage.
I would give it some time and I think you will both appreciate the new setup! Maybe have a chat with him to explain you are sleeping in the guest room for the sake of maintaining your relationship, not destroying it haha.” drlitt
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
My partner and I have separate rooms and separate bathrooms. When we tell people this, they look at us like we have 10 heads, but it honestly has improved our relationship so much.
We each have a special space that is only ours. We can decorate our spaces completely to our liking without any sort of compromise being necessary. We have separate closets which keep our things more organized. When he has to go to wake up incredibly early, we don’t have to worry about his alarm also waking me or the noise from him getting ready interrupting my sleep, and vice versa.
Also, I like to sleep in a cold room with a heavy blanket and fans going. He likes to sleep in a hot room with a sheet and complete silence. We fought over that for years until we finally just got a place where we’d have our own bedrooms. Nobody hogs the covers. Nobody takes up your side of the bed. You can fart as loudly and as gross as you want and nobody is going to say anything.
I’m convinced that having separate bedrooms is the key to having a happy relationship.” [deleted]
5. WIBTJ If I Ask My Mom If She Used Illegal Substances While She Was Pregnant With Me?
“The past few years, I’ve had chronic pain and surgery. Everyone caring for me has never given me anything too hard, not even after surgery. It was a struggle to get my doctor to give me a really small dose of codeine after the fourth time in the office when I was crying in pain and she stressed that I would only get this prescription and no more.
I don’t have a history of substance use let alone excessive usage, and a number of people that I’ve told about my surgery and chronic pain are always shocked that I haven’t been given much if any strong pain medicine, and always say things like ‘Wow when I had blah blah blah surgery or blah blah blah pain they gave me this thing, that thing, and this thing!’
Someone recently said to me that if you have a past problem with substance usage that’s the only time they won’t give you strong substances UNLESS you were born an addict because your mother was using them.
It then dawned on me that around ten years ago, in my rebellious teenage phase when I started smoking, our family friends had a party and the adults got pretty wasted. One of them scolded me for smoking, and then his wife said ‘she probably came out of the womb addicted to it!’ And then they giggled and mumbled together about something else I couldn’t hear.
If my mum was smoking while pregnant with me, could she have been doing other things?
She’s always been pretty open about substance use and her party gal youth, looking back on it fondly, and has always said ‘try everything once, but don’t even TOUCH anything you’re not meant to use!’ Which I always figured was just because they’re the most addictive and life-threatening, but maybe she had a history with them and the stance is more personal than I thought?
WIBTJ if I gently, and very diplomatically, asked if she did awful illegal stuff while pregnant with me and if this is why I never get decent pain relief? I’m scared I’ll really offend her and she’ll be super mad at me and go no contact for a month or so like she does.
How should I approach this, if at all?
EDIT: Of course, I can request my medical records! I won’t need to ask my mum now, I can get the information without offending her. Hoping my birth country has transferred everything here. They must have if doctors potentially have information on this and that’s why they won’t give me pain relief.
EDIT 2: Something else that didn’t occur to me is that I’ve struggled with my mental health quite severely all my life, and it’s probably a huge risk prescribing heavier pain relief to someone with mental health issues as we’re more prone to addiction.
I didn’t consider this side as I’ve been stable for a while. This is probably the reason and I won’t be asking my mum such an offensive question. I jumped to conclusions and let one person’s comment get stuck in my head and stay there to fester. My poor mother! I will be looking into my medical records for more clarity but this makes sense to me.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It’s something that would be good to know, for your own health. As far as pain meds go, the hospital/doctor wouldn’t refuse your medicine because of a dependency at birth. Currently, the DEA and other law enforcement agencies are pushing doctors to avoid writing prescriptions due to the amount of opioid usage. That is likely why your doctor would only write it once. I’ve got chronic pain as well, and have had to jump through tons of hoops in the last 2 years especially.
Ask your doctor if they can refer you to a pain clinic, the doctors at those are able to work a little more freely and can enforce pain contracts to ensure you are taking the medicine as directed, and not selling, or abusing it. I hope they can help you.” tugsnotaverb
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, but you’re being overly paranoid and should do research. You’re not just born addicted.
You can be born with different substances in your system which can cause withdrawal symptoms ranging in severity, etc. as well as a ton of other health problems, but they don’t just add ‘addiction’ to your medical record when you’re born and you would’ve heard about it by this point in your life, especially if you were in the hospital for surgery.
Furthermore, doctors don’t want to prescribe heavy painkillers to anyone unless they absolutely need them.
They didn’t look at your birth records and think ‘nope, addicted since she was a baby, no can do.’ It can be hard to even get heavy pain medication when you’re in the hospital being monitored, but doctors usually don’t want to send anyone home with heavy painkillers and if they do, they’re not going to give anyone 40 refills of it. After I had emergency open-heart surgery they sent me home with 2 days’ worth of some heavy pain medicine (literally like 5 pills max) and after that, I couldn’t get it refilled.” hrhashley
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I would say your doctor is.
She is not really listening to you about your chronic pain. Maybe she is being overly cautious, maybe it’s because of your mental health history, or maybe it’s because your mom really was on some heavy stuff when she was pregnant with you, but she still has to talk to you and tell you why. Or maybe she just isn’t taking your pain seriously, which is absolutely needed to know if she isn’t.
She needs to give you an explanation of why she has decided against doing something any other doctor would do for their patient, instead of leaving you in the dark.
Next time you see her just say ‘Hey, is there a reason I’m not being prescribed any strong medicine? If there is a reason you aren’t, that fine. I just want to know, and I want to know you’re taking my pain seriously.'” soullessginger93
Talk to your doctor and get referred to a specialist pain clinic, where they will help you. They may offer alternative solutions to medication. One way or another they will be able to help you. Be firm. You don't have to live in pain.
4. AITJ For Telling My Partner He Isn't Entitled To My Inheritance?
“My grandpa passed away a few months ago and I inherited a little over $4 million from his estate. I had no idea he had that much money and was honestly not expecting to receive anything, as I assumed it would all go to my mom.
After I got over the initial shock, I took the opportunity to finally quit my job (which I really hated), as I don’t have any outstanding debts and can easily live off of $40,000 a year.
I’m pretty introverted and am more than happy to stay at home working on art/music/other interests and gaming.
Ever since I inherited the money, my partner has been pressuring me to cover all of the rent and utilities (about $1200 a month) for our apartment and start putting funds away into a joint savings fund. I would be happy to do this if we were married, but we’re not.
We’ve only been together for a year and a half, and I would prefer to keep our finances separate. Despite not working anymore, I still pay my half of the rent every month and have started paying for a housekeeper to come in and clean a few times a week, so our apartment is nearly always spotless and looks great.
I told my partner he isn’t entitled to my money and he said I was being selfish for expecting him to still contribute to the rent when I could easily afford to pay for the whole thing.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ as you’re not married – I’d be very wary of marrying him though at this stage if this is his instant reaction to your finances.
Get some urgent legal advice on the precise law where you are regarding locking up your funds into a trust with named beneficiaries (you and any future children), cohab agreements, common law marriage (if it exists where you are), and anything else which a decent lawyer will know.” playhookie
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
He’s obviously not entitled to anything and it’s your money. However, if you’re living together, then you should be pretty committed to each other. You just inherited a crazy amount for doing nothing. You just won the right to not work and be able to enjoy your hobbies and do whatever you want. I’m sorry for your loss, but you did basically nothing to earn that luxury and will happily watch your partner continue to work and spend what he actually earned.
If you love him and are committed, I think you’d be able to see the unfairness there.
I always think it’s a good exercise to imagine the opposite situation. What if he had inherited millions and decided to stay home playing video games all day while you work so that you can afford rent. I think you could at least try to share some of your newfound opportunity (not necessarily sharing cash) by allowing him to also increase his quality of life a tiny bit.
If this is someone you just consider to be a roommate, then by all means let him pay his full rent. Even if you paid his rent every month for 50 years, you’d still have over 3.5 million. I know 99% of the world would be ecstatic to be given that much. I’d cry tears of joy if someone would pay off my student loans or a medical bill.” barnyeezy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It seems clear you aren’t really interested in marrying this guy.
The reason I say this is because it seems all your thoughts and energy so far have been to improve and set yourself up for life, not a budding family. You guys cohabitate and have been together for a decent chunk of time, it’s not casual.
Put yourself in his shoes. He works hard like you did. You two were building a life together. You come into a ton of money and all you are focusing on is yourself, not the family.
He has to work full time like before and watch you do whatever you want. When he asked for help with savings (a smart way to use money, not just asking for stuff, etc), you went crazy on him. Even a saint would have trouble being cool with that.
He won’t be wrong for feeling that way and you aren’t obligated to be that into him. But with your attitude, the relationship has run its course.” ChubbsAndMaiAxe
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Isn’t it obvious, to remove yourself from your current mindset and think about it objectively? You both were (I assume) living well together in a balanced rent-paying equal situation. You both were living together for a year and a half with an aim to live together long term and by your own comment, had considered marriage. You just found a pot of gold, four million dollars worth, and decided that it’s my way or the highway.
All your decisions post-inheritance are inherently selfish, you’ve opted out of normal life, quit your job, started sitting in all day painting and playing video games, hired a cleaner to do the chores in your own place and you’ve done nothing to show that you love your significant other and want to be with him.
On the contrary, you’ve immediately turned into the gold hoarding dragon mindset of, ‘It’s mine! It’s all mine!’ Which is fine if you want to be that way.
But you need to sit down and think about how you want your life to play out because of this new windfall. Do you want to be in a relationship? Because this guy was with you for who you are or were at least before you got the riches and any new person you do interact with is going to question how you can just sit and play games all day and do whatever you want without working at all and always seemingly having an endless supply of funds.
You will never have a relationship again with basic parameters of, ‘do I actually like/love this person’, and ‘can I see myself marrying/having kids with this person’.
Money will always be the focal point. You’ll either have to find another trust fund baby (not gonna happen) or you’ll be dealing with exploitative people for the rest of your life which will shut you into your introverted lifestyle even further.
You’ll become recluse, distrustful, resentful, hateful, not nice to be around, and lose friends and possibly family over it. Suddenly getting this amount can be a great boon but also a great burden. This guy is only asking for help with the rent and setting up your future together by the sounds of it, but your description of it makes it already sound like you think he’s trying to take it away from you.
Think about the person you want to be in life and how you would like to be treated if your partner suddenly came into that amount. It’s sad that so many greedy and selfish commenters so far can’t see the forest for the trees but this is not so much about money as opposed to who you are as a person. Do good with what you have.” Vanhelgan
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
First definitely don’t comply and don’t give him access to any of the money, him pressuring you is kind of a red flag. It’s still relatively too soon in the relationship, and it’s obvious that you don’t have that amount of trust in him yet, which is understandable, but you are also a jerk for what you’re doing with your money.
It’s not his money, and you are helping with hiring a housekeeper and such, but you also need to consider his side of things.
Maybe he hates his job or likes it, but it’s really stressful. Imagine if he inherited all this amount and stayed at home enjoying exploring his hobbies, while you had to work 40 hours a week at your job. It’s tiring, even if you like your job, and you know jobs can suck hence why you quit yours, but in relationships, you need to compromise. Contributing equally doesn’t always mean 50/50, if one person makes 30,000 a year while their partner makes 80,000 or whatever then it’s actually unfair if things are split 50/50 as for one person the cost is more significant with it being a much bigger part of their paychecks.
Don’t share a lot with him, but see if you could do anything to help him.
Also just living off of the money is a terrible financial decision. I really recommend meeting with a financial advisor to invest it, buy a house, or do something with it. Yeah, you can live off 40,000 a year, but what about if you decide to have kids, it costs like 200,000 to raise one child till they’re 18 and that doesn’t even include college costs.
Or you pay for all that, but they still have to work their whole lives and not have the financial freedom to explore other stuff like you do. Even if you don’t have kids, medical emergencies can always come up, and well, it’s really really expensive, potentially even hundreds of thousands of dollars. Or you want to go on a cool vacation to Europe, Hawaii, etc., but with that limitation each year you might not be able to.
Even ignoring all those reasons, it’s honestly just a waste, you don’t have to want to live in luxury, but just using the funds up is honestly lowkey selfish.
You could donate the gain and make the world a better place. As the saying goes, leave it better than you found it. Living a normal life is contributing to the decline of the world. You could buy an electric car, donate to food shelters, and build a house for a homeless family. There are an infinite amount of options to better you, or the quality of life for your possible future kids or strangers’ lives in general. You do what you want with it, but really think about all your options and possibilities.” kissszonja
3. AITJ For Refusing To Go To My Nephew's Funeral?
“Trashy genes and PCOS both resulted in trouble conceiving for my sister. While I am unmarried and do not have any children of my own, my sister is adamant about having children. She and her husband do not use birth control due to religious beliefs.
Currently, they have three perfect and healthy children. However, my sister has had an additional two late-term miscarriages and two stillbirths.
While I do not have any children of my own, I am extremely attached to my nephews and nieces.
Two days ago, my sister delivered her third stillborn baby. While I am devastated, I refuse to go to the funeral that takes place tomorrow. I am tired of saying goodbye to babies.
I feel as if this much pain is avoidable. I am not supportive of my sister’s decision to continuously have children, despite knowing what the risks are. I hate the pain that she causes our family each time and I think that she is being selfish.
I think that I am being reasonable, but our entire family has turned against me at this point. Any insight is appreciated.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ verging on ‘no jerks here’.
I really do get it; you see this as avoidable heartache. You think it’s irresponsible of your sister to get pregnant if the babies have a large chance of dying. This is hurting you and your siblings as well as your sister and her husband.
You’re upset about the baby’s death and you naturally want to protect your nieces and nephews from what you see as pain being inflicted upon them by their parents, rather than by fate.
The problem is; that it’s not really your business what your sister and brother-in-law decide to do and it’s not really your place to judge them for wanting more babies. If the stillborns are affecting you, just imagine what it’s doing to your sister and BIL.
It might be selfish, but grief isn’t always rational. I think therapy might be helpful for your sister and BIL.
Go to the funeral. You can’t have a role in your living niblings’ lives if you alienate their parents, and that’s only going to add to their emotional distress.” queenofthera
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
What she’s doing is selfish and disgusting. She has 3 healthy children already, are they old enough to process this because this seems cruel and unfair to her living children.
If she wants more kids she can adopt, but to keep putting herself and her family through pain like this is a jerk move.” My_Dad_Is_Gay_For_Me
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, as someone who has a lifetime of chronic health issues because I was born prematurely your sister needs to stop. She should appreciate the children she has THAT ARE HEALTHY. My mother did something similar to this. I was born in the 25th week of her pregnancy after she had 4 miscarriages and multiple stillbirths.
I am now living with a lifetime of chronic pain and illnesses because of my mother’s insistence on trying to have a child.
OP, Please show your sister this comment before she causes a child a lifetime of suffering when she already has 3 healthy children.” Tinymouse3
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, mildly.
First of all, I’m sorry for your loss, that’s heartbreaking for everyone.
I can understand how frustrating it must be to watch the same thing happen over and over again especially when it causes your whole family so much pain.
The only problem I have with you not attending the funeral would be that when you attend a funeral, you’re not just there for your sister and nephew, you’re there to show support for your whole family. Your parents (or whichever relatives are in the picture) probably need you there and the last thing they need right now is a conflict between their kids when they just lost a grandchild. So for their sake, you should go.” Jenh66
So tge question be ones, do you want to be there in solidarity with the rest of your family and as a stable influence in the lives of your nieces and nephews or not?
2. AITJ For Sending An Email To My Pregnant Friend?
“My best friend knows that I have been struggling with infertility for 3 years now and knows that I really struggle sometimes.
She recently told me she is pregnant. (Til now she hasn’t been trying.) She did so by sending me a picture of her scan, a smiley face and a gushing message that read ‘so looks like you will be sharing your birthday with someone special this year!’ I am happy for her and said as much, but just wish she could have been more tactful with how she told me.
So I sent her an email…
‘Hi,
First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy. This is absolutely not something to take away from that, it is amazing news and I am happy for you.
But I need to get this off my chest. You know that we have been trying for 3 years now. That is three years of heartbreak and gut-wrenching loss every single month. I grieve but have nothing to grieve for.
Every month it changes who I am as a person.
Every pregnancy announcement hits me hard. Famous people, because it’s all over media, people I work with because then I have to watch their pregnancy, and then hardest of all are friends. Because I want to be happy for them and share their excitement, I know I have to spend the next 9 months and then onwards watching them as they go on a journey I’m not sure I will ever experience.
I spend my life waiting for the next pregnancy announcement and wondering which of my friends it is going to be, but knowing it won’t be me.
When A told us she was pregnant, I was in the supermarket and I burst into tears in the middle of the aisle. B told us over Skype, but I had C with me so that made it easier.
One of my best mates over here, who knows what I am going through, first found out where I was and checked I wasn’t at work.
She then rang C, found out where he was, and let him know she was going to tell me. She then rung me and very gently told me that she was pregnant and nearly cried for me. After that, she rang C back and asked if I was okay.
You may not realize this, but how it’s announced makes a massive difference. For me, sharing the pain with C is the only thing that helps.
Being sent a photo of an ultrasound, and a gushing message that I get to share my birthday was the hardest way to receive a pregnancy announcement.
You didn’t know where I was, who I was with, or what I was doing.
I am excited for you, and yes I know what you have been through too, but that way I thought at least you may have had some idea and some tact around how you told me.
God knows I wouldn’t have told you on Viber with a photo of the one thing I so desperately want but don’t have.
Sorry, I just need some time to figure out where I am at.
Congratulations again, I hope all goes well.’
She’s since rung a mutual friend and is apparently really annoyed that I’m not happy for her. So… AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I understand where you’re coming from.
I have the same issues as you. I’ve been married for close to 10 years and it still hasn’t happened. Doesn’t help that I’m over 35 and with some health issues as well. Also where I’m in, adoption is crazy expensive and very difficult to go through. Kind of given up now, if it happens it happens, and if it doesn’t it doesn’t.
Try not to stress about it and maybe get a full health check-up to see if there is anything you should be doing to help.
I’m sure your friend may have accidentally overlooked your feelings in her happiness and wanted to share them with you. I also have the same feelings of dread when someone in my circle of family/friends gets pregnant, it’s a normal feeling. Try to find someone you can trust, also maybe you can apologize and explain to your friend after she has calmed down. I’m sure she will understand.
I hope things work out for you soon. Take care.” elizajane06
Another User Comments:
“YTJ… you are COMPLETELY the jerk. This is your BEST friend and she shared the exciting news with you – probably as soon as she found out. What should she have said, ‘I am really sorry, but I am pregnant.’ Or, invited you out and broke the news like it is a bad thing?
You took her joy and happiness and crapped all over it because of your own insecurities and your own personal issues.
If you have a problem with how she communicated this to you, deal with your emotions yourself or talk to a therapist about it… don’t put your burden on her when she had absolutely no ill intentions.
This was HER moment, she shared her happiness with you, and you basically told her she’s a trashy person.
You’re out of your mind, and I honestly hope she decides not to be friends with you anymore because your email went WAY too far.
You probably really, really hurt her and were incredibly selfish.” missguided8811
Another User Comments:
“Gentle YTJ – Even when it feels like our pain is as big as the universe, it is not the universe. While it’s lovely to be considerate of people trying, she really was just trying to share an important, joyous moment with you. It’s one thing to be hurt, you’re not a jerk for your feelings, but sending her a long email comparing her delivery to that of other friends and taking away her moment to make it about your feelings was inappropriate.
I hope if I were in the same situation I would keep my hurt feelings to myself knowing that her intentions weren’t malicious and that my struggles were not the first thing on her mind at that moment. If that changes the nature of your friendship, made you less close – it is understandable, but you didn’t need to call her out like she purposefully slighted you.
Also, your email comes across as super passive-aggressive if not fully hostile and you honestly don’t sound very happy for her at all, so that may affect how she sees you as a friend (I would bet it has). Sorry for your troubles and hope for your future success. Your feelings are valid.” zoeyjuly
Another User Comments:
“There seems to be a striking lack of compassion from a lot of people here.
I don’t think those ripping into OP can understand what she is going through. People with fertility issues don’t deserve to have their pain minimized like that.
I always make sure to congratulate friends on their pregnancies and let them know how happy I am for them, but I also deeply appreciate whenever someone makes the effort to consider my feelings before dropping a bomb on me.
If someone is supposed to be your best friend I think it is reasonable to expect they would be respectful of your struggles and handle the situation with more grace.
OP, I personally would never write such an email, but I understand why you did it. You are in pain and you made a lapse in judgment. Everybody makes mistakes.
I vote ‘everyone sucks here’ because you kinda went overboard with that email. There were better ways to let her know you need some space.” Tessariia
1. AITJ For Making My Wife Give Birth Alone?
“I (35M) have a long-standing phobia of hospitals. I was very sick as a kid and experienced a lot of health-related trauma. Today, I can’t go inside a hospital without feeling sick and occasionally having panic attacks. Once I even passed out.
When my wife found out she was pregnant, we obviously discussed the medical aspect of her pregnancy. By and large, I haven’t been going with her to her OBGYN appointments.
This hasn’t been an issue for her, and she usually goes when I’m at work anyway. That said, I’ve tried to do everything else I can possibly do to remain attentive and involved throughout the pregnancy.
But here’s the thing: while I’d love for her to do a home birth, she’s very insistent that she’d feel safer giving birth in a hospital. That’s obviously her choice, but I told her I couldn’t be there if she made that decision.
This has obviously caused a rift between us. She insists that I’d be fine if I just took some anxiety meds, but I know that wouldn’t be true. I feel like, if I went, I’d just end up being another stressor for her. But she says that she needs me there to support her.
The other aspect is that both our families live several states away, and in all likelihood won’t be able to be there for the birth.
If I’m not there, my wife will probably be there alone.
So… AITJ?
Edit: I’ve been in therapy for my anxiety for almost a decade now, and use anti-anxiety medication almost daily. I have various other phobias aside from hospitals, though hospitals/needles/etc. is by far the most severe. This is not something I take lightly at all.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, and I say this as a person who used to literally go mute as a best-case reaction in hospitals as a result of trauma.
Worst case, full-on PTSD flashback.
If you’ve been in therapy for as long as you say, you either 1) haven’t been focusing on the hospital phobia or 2) need a new therapist. At the very least, your hospital phobia should have been a topic of discussion before y’all started trying to have kids, and you should have figured out a plan for how to deal with the hospital ahead of time.
If this pregnancy wasn’t planned, well, your wife has had at least two OB appointments by now, which means you’ve had probably three months to figure something out, and those same three months to buckle down and focus on hospitals in therapy. I’m getting the sense that you thought your wife would either be okay putting her life and the life of your child at higher risk with home birth or delivering alone, so you didn’t have to do the hard (and yes, it is really ducking hard) work in therapy to get to a point where you can support her.
Practically: get a doula. Take whatever time is left in her pregnancy for some serious therapy to cover whatever ground you can, and then keep working until you can take your kid to the hospital because you aren’t getting through 18 years without an ER visit.” Triknitter
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You should be doing everything in your power to mitigate your phobia. The duration of a pregnancy isn’t short.
You have been in therapy for a decade? Maybe it’s time for a new therapist that specializes in phobias, and for an accelerated course.
If you had spent the pregnancy doing everything you could to fix this, and still couldn’t, that would be one thing. But you didn’t. All you did was try to guilt your wife into putting her health at risk by having a home birth.
That was extremely selfish.
Birth is scary and extremely painful. Your wife could die. She needs you. How will this play out in the future if your wife is sick, or your kid is injured? Will you just flip out and not take them to the hospital? What if your baby is born extremely premature and spends the first several months of their life in the neo-natal unit.
Will you not meet them for months?
You need to talk to your therapist and possibly transfer to another therapist. If you don’t step up and at least try to fix this your wife won’t forgive you.” Grizzzlysquids
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I understand you’re in therapy and I’m glad you’re working on your issues. But you need to step up now, even if you don’t feel ready. Parents face challenges every day they had never previously overcome.
This is one of those times. And there will be many more.
If you’re single and nobody relies on you, sure, avoid hospitals as long as you can. But you’re not, you’re about to be a father and others rely on you for their survival. Part of being a parent is doing things that you do not want to do. Or think you can’t.
Go to the hospital beforehand multiple times to practice.
Talk to the people who will be in the room that day and explain your situation. Have them give you a tour. Do research to help ease your mind. Talk to your therapist. Try out new stuff if you have enough time (you do not want to be trying them out right before the birth).
There are many things you can do and it seems your attitude is too bad, I’m more important.
Your wife has never done this. She is literally risking her life and she knows it. You should look to her for inspiration of strength. A mother would never do this to her child, even if it meant life or death. Hold yourself to a great standard.” wowthispostissad
Another User Comments:
“NTJ- many commenters don’t understand the effect anxiety can have on a person. They don’t understand and there’s no way for them to understand.
Show your wife you’re making the effort to try and be there. Try and be positive about it without getting her hopes up (‘I’m working on it but I won’t know until the day is closer’) instead of immediately shutting down her suggestions. This is obviously a scary time for her but I agree that you should be able to be the rock for her rather than a stressor.
Depending on how bad your phobia is, would you plan on FaceTiming to still see the birth? Or is it still too much to see a hospital?
I’m so sorry you’re struggling with this, but your wife at least seems supportive. Maybe it’d be possible to have her sit in on a session with your therapist and you can both discuss the possibility of you being at the hospital? That way your wife can see you are willing to try and take steps to face this.” cchal00
You need to figure this out. Now.
Have you considered what will happen if your child has an emergency and you have to get them to/be at the hospital with them?
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