People Are Asking Us To Spare Some Time To Go Through Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
18. AITJ For Calling My Brother-In-Law A Nickname He Doesn't Like?
“My BIL (late 30s) has been calling me (early 30sF) Princess and high maintenance ever since we went on a trip to a family wedding and we shared an air B&B.
He thinks I’m high maintenance because I’m into haircare, and skin care. I don’t travel with a chest full of products but I have more than just shampoo, conditioner, and moisturizer. I have waist-length hair, and both my hair and skin are super dry.
It’s genetic, but I’ve finally gotten into a good routine where my skin isn’t tight all the time and my hair doesn’t look or feel like straw.
Before we went away, he and my partner (early 30s M) went to pick up the wedding gift we were giving from the shop and I asked my partner if he could pick me a couple of things up from the shop that I was running out of.
My partner said yes as it was next to where they were going but my BIL gave him a hard time for the number of products I asked him to pick up. I like to keep backups of the items I use and go through them regularly as I can’t stand going shopping.
My partner told him to stop as it’s not hurting anyone, and if it should bother anyone it should be him as he has to live with it but it doesn’t bother him. My partner actually likes it and often compliments me on my soft skin and hair.
I have told BIL that I don’t like the nickname of princess or being called high maintenance. I don’t see anything wrong in wanting to look after myself and taking pride in my appearance. My routine doesn’t take preference over anything, if anything it’s the first thing I drop.
I didn’t do my routine when my son was born, I focused on him and his needs. I and my needs come last to the needs of my family.
My BIL hasn’t stopped with the nickname of princess, he even refers to me as princess on social media.
My partner has told him to stop numerous times as well. As he’s not listening to me or his brother, I have given him the nickname of ‘stupid’ as I know he doesn’t like being referred to as stupid. BIL isn’t happy that I’ve taken to calling him stupid.
I know it’s really childish and petty but I feel like it’s the only way he’ll learn. My partner thinks it’s funny that BIL is getting annoyed as I’m just doing the same thing he has.
AITJ for being as petty as my BIL and giving him a nickname that he doesn’t like?”
Another User Comments:
“You don’t need to justify your use of self-care products or routines. They are no one’s business but your own. It is not hurting anyone or interrupting anything.
Your BIL’s obsession with it is weird. Most people use multiple products and have a routine.
But I’m not surprised he doesn’t know this as he sounds like he doesn’t have a lot of friends or partners with his winning personality.
He also sounds like the kind of guy who uses the same product to wash his arse and his hair and thinks you don’t need to wash towels.
NTJ.” Fit-Guava-5059
Another User Comments:
“‘High maintenance’ is a description rather than a nickname. If your personal care routine in the morning took significantly longer than everyone else on the trip, it’s probably an accurate description – your presentation requires significantly more maintenance than the average person.
Your partner likes the way you care for yourself. It doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks.
BIL is a jerk for calling you ‘princess’ when you’ve asked him to stop. He probably thinks it’s a friendly sort of jokey nickname, but that’s not how you take it.
So I’m going with NTJ for perpetuating the stupid name-calling war.” _mmiggs_
Another User Comments:
“As long as you are not holding people up with your routine, which it does not seem like you are, then it is none of your BIL’s business. Calling you ‘princess’ in the first place was judgmental. And him continuing to call you that when he knows you hate it makes him the jerk, not you.
While I would normally say not to sink to someone’s level, a person can only take so much. For that reason, NTJ.” Hello_JustSayin
17. AITJ For Causing My Fiancée's Family To Become Uncomfortable?
“I (25m) am engaged to my amazing fiancée Jessie (24f). We met 6 years ago in college and our relationship started off as friends, turned into more and we got engaged 3 months ago. I have known her parents and siblings for 4 years and have grown to really like them in that time.
Especially in the last year when we got to spend more time together.
My dad died when I was 5 months old after an accident at work. When I was 12 my mom died suddenly and I spent the remainder of my childhood in foster care because my only living family, my dad’s parents, both had Alzheimer’s and were in a nursing home together.
Jessie and I got engaged and the first thing her family wanted to do was throw us an engagement party. In the lead up to this, I met a few more extended family members who all seemed nice. Then the engagement party happened and things took a major turn.
My name became such a big topic of conversation. So I hear them talk about how silly it is for a grown man to be named Bowie, and surely my real name is Beau/Bowen and Bowie is just a nickname, and how crazy and cruel were parents to saddle a man with a juvenile name like Bowie?
Then one of Jessie’s aunts asked me if I would be using a different, more mature, and masculine name, in our marriage and I said of course not because it would not be my name. Then I got a bunch of questions from that aunt as well as Jessie’s parents and two of her uncles about my thoughts on the name, etc, and whether it was a good idea to use such a name as a married man.
Then asking if I didn’t feel strange about a name my parents probably picked as a cute name for a baby but not a grown man. That’s when I said they’d need to head to the grave and ask my parents, seeing as I could not speak for their thought process and how it might not be easy to get an answer, with them being in the ground for 25 and 12.5 years respectively but I’m sure my dead parents would love to hear their criticisms of my name.
Jessie was at my side the entire time and she was mad at her family but I told her to be calm and that I could handle it. So I had said all this to them and I was cheerful and then I continued on as if nothing happened but Jessie’s family was very uncomfortable with how I addressed them but I played dumb and acted like nothing happened. After the party, they told Jessie I had been so rude to make them uncomfortable.
She told them they had been judgmental jerks. I told her parents that I hoped they would understand why they were inappropriate with their comments and questions and gave them a chance to let it go. They said I was rude and had clearly enjoyed it when I played dumb like I did and that I should apologize for making them uncomfortable.
Jessie told them I will never apologize for it.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“They weren’t uncomfortable because your parents had passed, they were uncomfortable because they couldn’t get a rise out of you or manipulate you by preying on your self-esteem. They weren’t used to it and didn’t know what to do.
When they couldn’t upset you over the name, they tried to upset you by telling you your reaction wasn’t appropriate. They’re searching for insecurity to exploit so they have the upper hand, perhaps unconsciously. They’re probably not bad people, they just want to have a button they can press when they feel their power slipping.
Hopefully, your partner sees how effective your matter-of-fact, non-emotional reaction was and follows suit. And hopefully, her parents will see over time that family relationships with a mutual-respect dynamic can work too.
NTJ” Nemesis0408
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
First. You were being humiliated for your name.
THEY were rude, every single one of them that joined that conversation and didn’t try to stop it or change the topic.
You responded, politely, to rudeness.
They should have been uncomfortable, even before you responded, because of their rudeness.
The apology here is owed to you, by everyone that joined that conversation.
Second. That instead of thinking it over, realizing how rude they had been, and apologizing, they doubled down and blamed you, that tells you what kind of people they are. Their feelings of being uncomfortable should have resulted in self-reflection, not blame and accusation aimed at you.
When you responded to this by doubling down, or escalating their rudeness by stating quite plainly that their behavior was not acceptable, and that you were going to give them a chance to be better, they again attacked you verbally.
That’s three times they owe you an apology here.
You were not rude. You were handling a situation, where other people were repeatedly rude TO you. And you did it well.
I’m glad Jessie sees them for what they are, and you two are a team here.
I hope you both know that it’s okay to avoid such people, even when they demand attendance at holidays and parties.
They broke your trust in them. THEY damaged the relationships here, not you.” blueberryyogurtcup
Another User Comments:
“You are in the clear and Jessie sounds awesome. It’s rude and intrusive to start telling a grown adult that their name is incorrect or inappropriate. If YOU felt that Bowie wasn’t an appropriate name for you to use as an adult, YOU would have made that decision yourself without their input.
They were being wildly inappropriate before the topic of dead parents even became an issue.
NTJ, and hold tight onto Jessie because she sounds like such a good partner.” User
16. AITJ For Wanting To Wear A Hat On Christmas?
“I (25F) got married in November. My MIL doesn’t really like me, even trying to steal the spotlight at my wedding, but is still overly traditional. At Thanksgiving, I was having a really bad hair day so I wore a black leather cap (a dressier newsboy-style one), which my husband said looked great on me.
The holiday was hostile, even more so than prior gatherings I’d been to, and hubby said MIL said it was because I wore a hat, but I know it was just an excuse. I told MIL I wouldn’t come to Christmas with them, then blocked her number and social media account.
My husband is trying to keep us both happy since he doesn’t like conflict. He wants me to come to one more celebration to see if maybe people are getting used to me. He’s told MIL she needs to be nice and treat me as part of the family since I am and that if I feel unwelcome at Christmas like I did at Thanksgiving, that we won’t attend future events and she sees him much anymore.
I understand why he wants me to give her one final chance and haven’t had any conflict with him. Marriage is about compromise and I get that he doesn’t want to cut her off since she’s his mother, but I just don’t want to be involved with her unless I have to be.
I wanted to see if MIL was listening to him so I asked my husband to request that I be allowed to wear the same hat to Christmas. Hubby said he thought I’d worn it since I had a bad hair day, but this time it’s as a statement that they shouldn’t treat me as an outsider, either because I wear hats all the time (right now it’s just a sports visor, which I’d never wear to a holiday, so it’s not like I’m doing that) or they just don’t like me.
If they won’t let me wear a hat, what else are they going to restrict about me? Let me be me or I won’t come. Period.
My husband agreed and relayed this to MIL and she’s been asking him why he married the devil.
He’s growing tense with me and I told him he’ll probably have to pick a side sooner or later and that I never intended it that way. He spent last night at a friend’s house because he needed to think. I feel bad because I care about him and know conflict stresses him out.
I told him to text me when he was ready to talk. He hasn’t yet.
My friends think that my hat request was unnecessary, and maybe I strained my relationship with my husband. I think he just needed space to think because conflict stresses him out, so I gotta ask: AITJ for saying I won’t come if I don’t wear a hat?
UPDATE: My husband just texted me saying he just got off the phone with his mother. He told her off for calling me ‘the devil’ and said that if I can’t wear a hat, he’s not coming either and that she really should get over her antiquated crap.
She did not respond well. I don’t think we’re going to Christmas there now so maybe we’ll have a Friendmas? I don’t know! We’ll think of something.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
MIL is looking for a problem. For starters, she could have easily said ‘no hats indoors’ at Thanksgiving.
It sounds like she still won’t exactly communicate that it’s an old-fashioned etiquette rule. This entire blow-up was completely avoidable if she just used her words. Furthermore, it is also very clear that wearing a hat for you wasn’t a slight to her and there was an explanation.
She does not care about that and has decided to take it as a personal slight, which, as a result, for Xmas it now is.
That and the escalating to calling you the Devil makes me believe that she’s actively looking for a problem, and if it wasn’t the hat, it would be something else.
I don’t think it’s a coincidence this got extreme right after the wedding
There are ways around it and ways to compromise. I have a bad feeling MIL will find ways to sabotage those, however. Take a stand now or be prepared for the next mind game she throws at you.” whichwitch9
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. I was going to side with you, but your husband does have a point about you initially saying the hat was because of a bad hair day but now wanting to wear the same hat again. Sounds like you have a bad mother-in-law, but it seems like that’s just purposefully instigating or seeing how far you can push things.
I would always stand up for my wife if my mom ever made comments like that so I’m definitely not siding with him. I think it’s very inappropriate for her to make those comments.
At some point you just have to leave well enough alone and going back with the exact same hat after having a situational specific reason for it initially doesn’t seem to be that in my opinion.” Zestyclose-Egg6211
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. OP wasn’t baiting her MIL. She was testing her. And MIL failed spectacularly.
OP found herself subjected to rudeness and unkindness at a family event supposedly over her wearing a hat indoors. Now there is some debate as to whether ladies wearing hats at the table has historically been considered faux pas or not.
Whatever. Even if that was the case and even in 1950 you would be considered much much much ruder to make a scene about it and call someone the devil for it.
MIL’s awful behavior trumps wearing a hat at the wrong time, by any sane standards.
OP wisely used the hat to test the waters and see whether MIL just hates her and won’t genuinely make an effort at Christmas and OP will find herself subjected to rudeness and unkindness again. She got her answer. Being called the devil would definitely make me decline the invite too.
This was never about the hat for either OP or MIL. MIL hates OP and used the hat to express that hate. OP used the hat to check whether she would still be treated hatefully.
Glad to know that OP’s partner can see this clearly and is supporting the right person.” StompyKitten
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – Wearing a hat at the dinner table is rude af and you know it. Now you are purposely baiting MIL with more rude behavior in some attempt to isolate your husband. MIL should know it’s rude to gossip to others, especially making such a large ordeal out of a trivial faux pas.
If she had an issue with it she should have spoken to you directly or at least told her son to tell you before popping off. Also ‘bad hair day’? Unless you were served a nairtini the night before I just can’t imagine it was such horrible hair that it was somehow less rude to wear the hat at a family event.” KartlindWitch
15. WIBTJ If I Don't Want My Brother's Ex's Kids To Call Me "Uncle"?
“When I (30’s M) was a teenager, my older brother (Dave) had a long-term partner (Kelly). She was pregnant with some unknown guy’s baby already, and when the baby (Mary) was born, my brother had his name put as the father on her birth certificate.
Dave and Kelly never married, and despite no blood relation, I’ve always seen Mary as my niece and part of the family, while I’ve always seen Kelly as a distant relation given her and my brother eventually broke up.
Kelly and Mary have always been welcome at family events ever since, even though my brother Dave has married (and divorced) another woman and had his own son with her.
The problem is that these days I cannot stand Kelly. She’s had 4 other children, all with different fathers, and she’s extremely controlling of all of them, especially Mary. Mary is an adult now and basically is a babysitter to her brothers and sisters while Kelly goes out and parties all she wants.
Kelly and her kids live out of state now and often come for the holidays because they know that they’ll get free food and lodging with my parents and that my parents are fine buying gifts for all of Kelly’s kids, even if they only see the oldest Mary as their grandchild (something they’ve not told Kelly) and buy her more gifts than the other children.
The thing is, Kelly has told all of her kids that my parents are grandparents to them all and that I am their uncle, without asking me or my parents how we felt about this. I don’t even know the names of her 4 other kids (a whole range of ages from early teens to toddlers), but the last time I saw them, they were all directed to run up and hug me because ‘I’m their uncle’.
This was disconcerting to me because I don’t know any of them, and I frankly don’t want to. I’m already an uncle to my older sister’s kids, Mary, and Dave’s other child.
My dilemma: I hate what Kelly has done without my permission, and next time I see them I want to make it clear that I’m not their uncle.
It’s uncomfortable because I don’t know them, I wasn’t part of their upbringing like I was with Mary, and their mother never married into our family and her other kids only see us at most, once a year, and my brother Dave’s name is not on their birth certificates.
My brother Dave is absolutely fine with what Kelly has done, and my parents keep their opinions to themselves. If I get vocal about not calling me their uncle, it will be during the holidays (the only time I see them), and the finger would be pointed at me for making everyone upset because I won’t go along with being given a title that doesn’t belong to me.
This would prompt Dave to get up in my face about it because I made some non-relations cry, even if it was to correct someone else’s lie.
I also have an older sister who agrees with me, that we are not the aunt and uncle of my brother’s ex’s other kids.
My parent’s already know how I feel and I’ve instructed them to NEVER give my phone number to Kelly because I plain and simple cannot stand her.
Edit: A little more info about Kelly. First, she would absolutely make a big deal out of this, as she’s the kind of person to get professionally offended. Second, when she does bring her kids around for the holidays, she’s constantly mooching off my parents.
If my parents are going out for dinner, she acts like she and her kids are automatically invited along, even though she doesn’t have enough money to cover them all, and then my parents end up paying for them even though they don’t want to.
My parents want Mary to keep coming around, but they know if they annoy Kelly, she won’t bring her.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You shouldn’t be referred to as their uncle if you’re not comfortable with them doing so. However, I feel this is NOT something to take up with the kids themselves.
I don’t know if they know/understand that they all have different fathers or that they’re technically not your family, especially the younger ones, so this discussion should be had with Kelly and maybe Dave. It’s on her to explain to them that she made a mistake telling them to refer to you as uncle, not you.
It’s a bit of a delicate situation she put you in and she needs to be the one to fix it by talking to her own kids.
Also, the kids are innocent in this! Please don’t take your disdain for their mother out on them, it sounds like their lives are probably rough enough as it is.
It’s fair you don’t want to have a relationship with them the same way you do with your niece and your brother’s child, but try to cut them a bit of slack.” PreviousWerewolf1398
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
But maybe someone could offer Mary a room until she can get on her feet so that she can escape her mother.
If she’s an adult then she has the right to leave whenever she wants.
Someone just needs to be bold enough that she can escape whenever she wants, and she’s welcome at any time.
Once Mary leaves, you can cut off her mother.” Intrepid-Database-15
Another User Comments:
“NTJ because your feelings are perfectly fair and Kelly’s behavior is pretty bad. She’s setting the kids up for heartbreak when Mary turns 18 and they stop being invited for the holidays.
BUT the rest of your family has gone along with this and treated them like they’re part of the family.
These are little kids who are going to be very hurt and confused when they find out that they’re only invited because their older sister is and it’s going to lead to really painful conversations about their dads.
Most of the details you shared are about how their mom takes advantage of your parents and brother and they’ve allowed that; it sounds like the only way this affects you personally is that hearing them call you uncle reminds you how much you hate their mom.
Your family has unanimously decided to treat them like family for now and telling them the truth on your own would be a lot like telling a young child they’re adopted. I think the best way to handle this is to ask them to call you by your name, you can bury it in something like ‘uncle is so formal, just call me Immoral’, and then keep on living your own life and being polite when they’re visiting like you would if their parent was a family friend.” Rando_R_Random_IV
14. AITJ For Refusing To Help My Sister With College?
“I (f24) have 4 siblings Max (m31) Lisa (f20) Chris (m20) Emily (f18). Emily is disabled and because of that my parents dedicated themselves 100% to her leaving the rest of us to fend for ourselves.
When Max left for college I became the main caregiver for my siblings + all household chores were my responsibility. I want to make it clear that Emily’s disability does not stop her from functioning like any other person and she doesn’t require any assistance or supervision or 24/7 care.
However, my parents have always spoiled her rotten and she is very rude, mean, and entailed. My parents raised her with the mentality that her disability means she was allowed to do whatever and everyone needs to bend backward for her.
My grandparents passed away 3 years ago and I inherited everything approximately $6m.
They were very well off, I know. The reason I received all of it is because: When my grandparents were sick Max contacted them after almost 10 years of silence because he wanted to know how much he will receive (I’m in no contact with him, by the way).
They were very aware of how my mom treated me and my siblings and she was disowned They were very religious and Lisa came out as bi at 14 and Chris came out as gay at 17.
I went no contact with my parents after I moved for college and when Lisa and Chris started college I offered to cover all of their living/educational expenses as long as they do well in school.
They gladly accepted. I also helped my bff Lola (f21) start her own business.
I haven’t spoken to my parents in 6 years. I haven’t blocked them, they just never called/texted. This year Emily started college and she burned out all of her college funds in less than 4 months because she is a spoiled brat and bags were more important than rent lol.
In addition, she is doing horrible in school because she isn’t even attending her classes and she will most likely be expelled or held back. My mom called me 2 weeks ago to not ask but demand that I do for her the same I do for Lisa and Chris.
I said no because growing up I was literally a slave for her and my parents. I’m helping Lisa and Chris because they are the only ones that treated me as family. I ended the call by telling her that for 18 years Emily was their only kid so now they have no right to demand anything from the kids they practically abandoned.
Now I’m hearing a lot of crap from everyone (except Lisa and Chris) because: I’m causing unnecessary drama. I’m causing a rift between Emily and her siblings Emily will be the only one without a degree It’s not really my money and my grandparents would want me to help her.
(Then why didn’t they leave anything for her?) Family is family and I should help my little sister (i don’t buy into that crap) It’s not her fault that my parents were bad parents to me (true but she doesn’t do anything to change her behavior).
She’s disabled and it’s not ok to discriminate.
I feel like I’m doing the right thing but everyone is telling me I’m not so AITJ?
Edit: What disability does she have? I don’t know. My parents never told me and when anyone asked they would get very defensive.
Can’t Emily get governmental assistance? No, because she doesn’t have documentation that attests she is disabled. I remember my parents fighting about taking my sister to different doctors because they all refused to sign she was disabled.
Why doesn’t the rest of my family pay for her?
Because they are living paycheck to paycheck because they would spend thousands on buying Emily whatever she wanted.
Why can’t my parents continue paying? Because Emily’s spending problem got worse since she left home and the rest of the family is no longer in a position to give them money.
Also, my dad had a work accident a few months ago and he was forced to retire so now their income has significantly reduced.
How can someone spend that much? Simple. She renewed her closet, purchased a very expressive car, and just partied until she dropped. For reference, my parents have high-paying jobs and Emily’s college fund was around $587k when I left for college.
Did me and my siblings have a college fund? Nope. We all worked our butts off to get scholarships so we can go.
And do I have a will in place? If anything happens to me all the assets will be split equally between Lisa Chris Lola and an organization fighting for wildlife.
For your information: I’m starting to question if my sister is actually disabled or if it was just what my parents wanted to believe. I mean… If no doctor would declare her disabled is she really? My family thinks she is disabled because she did learn how to walk until she was 5 and she didn’t talk until she was 7.
Maybe she was just a slow developer?
Update: So funny thing. My favorite uncle called me to tell me to block my family because they have come up with a ‘plan’ to get me to pay. He didn’t know what the plan was he just heard a portion of the conversation between my mom and my aunt.
And just like he said my mom called a few minutes later to tell me Emily is pregnant so I need to help her because if I don’t I’m damaging my niece/nephew. I started laughing and I just told her to get lost. I blocked them all.
But seriously… fake a pregnancy? LOL.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You have proved that you are quite willing to help a family that is actual family to you and your parents and spoiled brat sister certainly wouldn’t qualify for that in my book either.
Getting a degree is the last thing Emily needs to worry about right now because it doesn’t sound as if she can handle even the most basic level of adult living. Your folks should probably get started on that before trying to browbeat you into taking on this dead weight they have created out of a child they should have raised.” Dipping_My_Toes
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It is your money. You don’t have to do anything that you don’t want to do with it. Emily could have called and asked for a loan or for help. She obviously does not care about college and therefore is a poor investment.
In addition, the other two have the stipulation that they have to get good grades and do well, Emily is not doing that already, so why should she receive more money?
And for your mother who you are in no contact with to demand money from you is ridiculous, she can’t even be bothered to pick up the phone and call you to ask how you are, but she is more than willing to demand money from you.
No.” questionsdramalife
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Honestly, your money should be invested so you don’t have liquid funds to just give away. Investing in it means you could live off the interest. You definitely need to set boundaries and am doing a great job so far doing so.
You can say you can’t withdraw money because of the tax implications if you need an excuse to say no.
Also, be prepared for Emily to actually get pregnant to try to force your hand.
If you ever want to help Emily (I don’t think it’s your responsibility) you should insist she goes to psychiatrists and doctors and gets a diagnosis first.” savvyblackbird
13. AITJ For Going Off At My Mom And Ruining Thanksgiving?
“My (36) sister (41), Beth, is terminal and she has a couple of months left at the most. I’m trying to make peace with it but a part of my heart will always be broken, you know? Beth has come to terms with it and all of us are just trying to make her last days as peaceful and memorable as possible.
Beth had her first husband when she was 20, and he passed in a crash a few years later. After a while, my parents introduced her to her second husband Matt. He’s somehow related to dad’s friend, and Beth and Matt married, then divorced 4 years later.
Most of my family still keeps in touch with Matt.
Our family has plots in a cemetery where a lot of our late relatives, including my dad, are buried, but Beth already said that she wants to be buried in a different cemetery (a different city too actually) near her late husband.
Mom wasn’t completely on board with this but I thought she’d come around.
So I went to Thanksgiving dinner and Matt was there as well. At one point mom said something like how Beth always listens to me, and that I should talk to her about the burial plans.
I told her she already knows Beth’s wishes and I won’t go against that. Matt then joined in the conversation, and what I assume is the real reason behind all this nonsense, said that they get Beth is ’emotional’, but it’s disrespectful to their relationship if she’s buried next to her first husband.
Mom continued to chime in, saying she agrees and that cemetery is a lot further away, and I should at least try to talk to her.
I snapped and said I won’t be discussing this with Beth. I don’t care what they think is respectful or not, she can disrespect Matt all she wants and mom needs to grow a spine for her daughter instead of supporting Matt’s demands.
She was pretty mad after that and said they were just asking, and I was ‘ruining’ Thanksgiving dinner.
It’s been a couple of weeks and I’ve got a few messages from other relatives, saying I went off at my mom and Matt for no reason.
I do also have other people telling me I said what I had to say, so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Matt’s concern at this time is being ‘disrespected’, geez no wonder your sister divorced him. How can anyone be so self-centered, even if he had an argument (which he doesn’t she divorced him she never divorced her first husband)?
I don’t know what is going on with your mother that she thinks it’s appropriate to pick this argument – her daughter is dying and this is the thing she wants to make a thing about (maybe it’s her way of coping… losing a child is a whole other level of grief so I have some sympathy – she may not be operating at her normal capacity).
You’re standing in the right corner and good for you. It must be difficult to deal with this when you’re also grieving. You may want to chat with your sister about making you the executor of her will or something so you get to see her wishes are fulfilled and your mother doesn’t do something different once she has passed. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this crap.
NTJ” az22hctac
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I know how your heart is breaking, but I think that you do need to tell her what happened if only so that the two of you can get it put into legal writing how she wants her remains to be treated and where she is to be placed. If she has you legally as the executor of her will and if she will include her burial plans then your family cannot legally disrespect those plans.
Saying goodbye to someone so close to your heart is never easy and maybe if you sit down with her and discuss and put into writing what she wants, it may make things a little easier. My father recently passed unexpectedly and we weren’t sure of what to do because even though he was 61, it wasn’t something that we had fully discussed. It made making arrangements difficult, but we did get through it.
Talk more in-depth with your sister about what she wants, it will be hard, but it may also bring both of you some healing. I would also go ahead and purchase a plot in her desired cemetery unless she already has a plot open next to her husband.
I’m so sorry for all that you are going through, you are not alone in this.” FlyingValkyrie927
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Tell your mom. If Beth’s first husband had not died, she may still be married to him. He was taken from her. He never broke her heart.
Matt on the other hand is an ex, a mutual parting, Beth chose to cut that connection. In some way, Matt did break her heart. She owes no loyalty to him.
You should talk to Beth, just make sure her wishes are written down & that somebody trustworthy to carry them out is in charge.
I am sorry that you have family members (& exes) arguing over this instead of spending quality time with your sister.” HCIBSW
12. AITJ For Leaving Our Vegas Trip Early?
“I (22f) went to Las Vegas with 3 others, I’ll call them Mary (23f), Lydia (23f), and Kitty (24f). Mary is my cousin and Lydia and Kitty are friends. They wanted to go earlier but I had exams during that time, so we pushed it back a bit.
This was meant to be a girl’s trip, but a couple of weeks ago Mary and Kitty both said they wanted to bring their partners and it would be more fun sightseeing with a bigger group. I was a little annoyed because I thought it was just us girls, but Lydia was fine with it and I said sure, whatever.
The original hotel situation was 2 rooms – me and Mary in one and Lydia and Kitty in another – but they said they’re looking for separate rooms since they’ll be staying with their partners, and I’d probably have to bunk with Lydia. I had no issue with that so I didn’t ask any more questions.
So we arrive at our hotel in Vegas and it turns out Mary and Kitty didn’t end up booking rooms. The plan was to arrive at the hotel and then see if they can spare a room, but obviously given the holiday season (and it’s Vegas) all the affordable rooms were gone.
I was mad because they never said beforehand they hadn’t booked. Kitty then said it’s not a big issue, we still have the 2 rooms originally booked and if we pay a little extra the hotel gives daybeds. Each couple takes a room, then me and Lydia bunk with one.
I never agreed to this and I didn’t feel comfortable third wheeling with Mary and her partner, who I don’t know very well, to begin with. I suggested checking a nearby hotel to see if they had a room, but the others didn’t want to be separated. I then said maybe we can put the boys in one room and the 4 of us can squeeze into one, but they shut that down too and insisted the couple plan was best.
Eventually, I told them I’m not comfortable with this and I’m out, hope they have fun. Mary said it’s really not a big deal and Lydia has no problem with it, she came by herself too so what’s my issue? I ended up finding a place to check into for the night and caught a flight back yesterday.
Well all 3 of them are really mad at me, saying they changed the timing for me and I’ve ruined the vacation, and if I really didn’t want to go I should’ve opted out before. Kitty texted saying she didn’t realize I was so prudish and ‘gag at the sight of a man’ (doesn’t make much sense because I’m married), and ‘thanks for making this all about you’.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
They changed the plans, dismissed all your concerns, and then got angry that you did what you needed to hold your boundaries. They should have left your and Lydia’s room alone and shared the other room if they were too lazy to book a third.
The idea that you ruined a vacation by opting out of a situation you’re not comfortable with is immature and frankly awful. You would have ruined it by pouting or complaining the whole time, but you are not required to be there for them to have fun.
Their guilt for putting you in an uncomfortable situation ruined their vacation. They’re just mad at you for not absolving them of it by pretending everything was fine.” that_jedi_girl
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Their partners should have paid for an extra room for you and the other girl that was uncoupled because they were inserted into the plan later.
Nothing turned out to be a trip that you agreed to in the first place and their ‘on the go’ solutions were very disrespectful. I can’t imagine someone wanting me to sleep on an emergency bed like a hobo during what was supposed to be my vacation.
Or to share a room with a couple. I don’t think that anyone I know and have any kind of relationship with would even think to put me down like that. Wow.” Aleksandra2222
11. AITJ For Telling People About My Coworker's Bathroom Habits?
“I (25F) work at a smaller company of about 15 people. I get along with pretty much everyone with the exception of someone we’ll call Alexis (40F). Alexis is very socially conservative and I am not. I do my best to not talk about things I know will cause an argument, but they sometimes happen anyway.
One time I used the bathroom right after the cleaning crew finished cleaning it and didn’t bother putting the toilet seat down because I was just going to squat to pee. I washed my hands and when I exited, I bumped straight into Alexis. I apologized and went on with my day.
For the next two weeks, I thought Alexis was being particularly sanctimonious, but I didn’t say anything as it wasn’t too out of character. The subject of women’s sports came up during lunch and she made a snide comment along the lines of, ‘People like OP ruin them for everyone else.’
I’m immediately confused. I’ve never been athletically inclined at any age, so ask, ‘Do you mean tall people?’
‘No, ‘women’ that are still biologically men,’ she says with a glare.
At the time, this came out of the left field. I am a cisgender woman.
While I am still a tomboy in my interests, I am very physically feminine presenting. I said, ‘Why would you even say that?’
‘You can’t fool me. I saw you come out of the bathroom and the toilet seat was UP.’ I stared in disbelief as she seemed convinced this was the biggest ‘gotcha’ moment.
She couldn’t even hide her smug smile.
‘I squatted, Alexis.’ The energy of the room was getting very awkward, so I decided to make a joke. ‘Are you telling me that you park your bare butt on the toilet seat in public restrooms?’
She turned bright red. Apparently, she did, because she started muttering something about ‘not being weird’ before bursting into tears and leaving the room.
My coworkers think it was rude of me to ‘expose’ her like that, but I don’t think I did anything wrong for trying to defuse a situation she put herself in.
AITJ?
EDIT: I wasn’t going to go to HR because I thought I would get in trouble too, but this story could have ended very differently. I’m going to arrange a meeting.
Unfortunately, I was diagnosed with OCD at the height of the global crisis and many of my delusions are centered around germs and contamination.
Sitting may not be in my future. At the very least, I’m going to look into pelvic floor exercises so I don’t end up incontinent at 40.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
This was not about how either of you choose to use public toilets this was about Alexis choosing to make a gross comment using your appearance and how you use the bathroom.
When you responded accordingly she threw a fit and she is feeling guilty because she is, you do not need to spare her feelings nor are you responsible for how she reacts to feeling guilt.
Lastly, your coworkers were not the one who was faced with her comments therefore their opinions should be the last of your concerns.” xcloudyheavenssx
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you need to get HR involved if there is one or maybe bring this up with your boss if there’s not. You’re right there is nothing wrong with being trans but even if you were, this woman was completely ok with outing you hoping it would cause you more than just some embarrassment.
Also what if there are others in the company that doesn’t believe you when you say you’re not trans and believe the same as her? Some of these people believe violence is the way. This is dangerous and should not be tolerated regardless of the intent.” Just-Series-3045
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She tried to force you out of the closet (that you were never in). As she smugly smiled about your ousting, you ousted her gross pee habit.
Someone should’ve told her before that moment it’s not common to sit on a public toilet seat, and it’s ok to feel bad about watching someone cry because of something you said (you’re not a psycho), but you’re in the clear.” friz_CHAMP
10. AITJ For Insisting On Hiring A Housekeeper?
“I work in construction on remote job sites. So I work for two weeks then I get a week off.
My wife and I have two kids.
One if in middle school the other is in high school.
My wife works as a teaching assistant for six hours three times a week.
When our youngest was still in elementary school my wife did not work. So she took care of the house and everything while I was gone.
During the weeks I was home I gave her a break. I took over most of the chores and I took care of all the yard work and such. It worked for us.
After my wife went back to work last year stuff started changing.
I would get home and there would be dishes piled in the sink. The trash hadn’t been taken out. The dogs hadn’t been brushed. That sort of thing.
I talked to my wife about what was going in and she said she was busy with work.
I asked if the kids were helping her and she said she didn’t want to bother them and that she could keep up. So I would spend my first couple of days cleaning up the house. No, it wasn’t that bad but I like to live in a clean area because my work is so dirty.
I have no problems bothering my kids. So between the three of us, I would leave the house perfectly clean and organized when I left for work.
Over this last summer, my wife was back on track. But as soon as school started the house went back to being a pigsty when I got home.
I don’t really think it’s fair to spend two days cleaning after working 14 days of twelve-hour shifts. So I told my wife I was going to get a housekeeper to help her out.
She said she didn’t want someone in her house. I said I really needed the house to be cleaned before I got home.
She said she and the kids would do it.
Long story short they did not.
So I hired a housekeeper. She comes the day before I get home. She cleans the kitchen, living room, dining room, front entrance, and main bathroom. She also does the laundry.
So when I get home the house is clean and tidy. And I make sure it stays that way until I leave. I have two extra days that I can spend doing chores that need to get done and for myself.
My wife was annoyed and tried to bring it up at Thanksgiving.
My mom was ready to give me trouble for not doing my part since that was how she raised me until she heard the whole story. Then she and my MIL started asking my wife if she needed help and why didn’t she call them to help with the housework.
So now they are coming over throughout my time at work to help my wife out.
I still kept the housekeeper because she does a great job. But my wife is mad that my mom and her mom think she can’t keep the house clean with the help of two teenagers.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she only works 18 hours a week and has no time to clean? It sounds like she just doesn’t want to clean, and can’t ask the kids because then she would have to help them. The housekeeper is a great compromise because she can keep doing very little and you don’t come home to a pigsty.
She sounds like she doesn’t want your mom to know she’s a slob, but I’m sure they already know that. If she doesn’t want someone in her house she better get to cleaning. It isn’t fair that you come home for a week to clean their mess, rinse and repeat.
She doesn’t want to housekeeper because she’s already got one, you!” OutlandishnessNew259
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’ve provided a solution that honestly most people would be thrilled with. I understand the strangers in the house thing and think it’s reasonable that if your wife has an issue with this particular housekeeper that you look for another one.
It’s not like you hired a housekeeper as a way of telling your wife she was failing. If the kids aren’t pitching in can you help enforce those rules in any way? Other than that, this seems like a great solution that doesn’t ask more of your wife than she’s able to give.” StillLikesTurtles
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, basically this situation is you are not around during the kids’ time enough to teach them to do chores, and your wife is choosing not to impart life skills like that upon them, which then leaves all of the cleaning duties to you.
As it currently stands, you’re the only one who cleans so you are really the only person who should have an opinion on whether or not you hire someone to do that cleaning.
If your wife doesn’t like that someone else comes and cleans during a time that doesn’t interfere with her schedule at all, she should get together with the kids and start doing some of the household work.
The honest truth is that your wife only brought up this story cuz she was hoping that she could get a bunch of people to gang up on you. And now she’s mad that it’s blown back up in her face when she went out of her way to be a jerk.” JCBashBash
9. AITJ For Refusing To Change Plans For My Sister?
“So my family’s Christmas is supposed to be this Sunday. My parents live about 2 hours from my sisters and an hour from me. (And I am 2.5 hours from my sisters). My mom is supposed to pick up my 3-year-old on Friday and take her to spend the night and then we would drive over Sunday morning early to do celebrations.
My sisters intended to drive over Saturday at some point and hang out and spend the night as well and then leave Sunday after dinner when we leave.
So one of my sisters calls today to say she’s pregnant, which is great but said she is telling us early because she is worried she will be car sick and can’t drive to my parents Sunday.
Without asking me or discussing it my mom just says it’s fine we will all drive up to her. This infuriates me for a ton of reasons and I don’t know if that makes me a jerk.
First off, I am also pregnant. I am going to tell my family Sunday but was going to do something cute whatever.
But I’m much further along than her and have TWICE driven 2.5 hours to my sister’s house, incredibly nauseated and tired, but in the interests of wanting to keep my pregnancy a secret until Christmas, I sucked it up.
I also am incredibly salty at how my sister’s needs/wants are always placed higher than my own.
A few years ago when I was SICK and pregnant with my 3-year-old (I lost 30 lbs from nausea and vomiting) we had a trip planned. They decided last minute without me to move the cabin we had initially agreed on to one 2 extra hours away up a winding mountain path.
I get car sick regardless, but I was miserable for the entire 12-hour drive. My mom’s memory of the trip was that I was ‘fine’. Then the second day they made me go on a 3-hour hike when I was miserable and pregnant and having sciatica pain.
I also want to point out I was almost exactly as far along with a 3-year-old in Christmas 2018 and I still had to drive to my parents. Then two weeks later I had to drive and stay for my sister’s wedding where I threw up during the rehearsal dinner because I was so ill.
The issues I have with just going to my sister’s are that I now have to take my incredibly active child on a 5-hour round trip on the same day in a car instead of the 1-hour ride home she would have if we kept the initial plan.
She also has frequently gotten car sick when driving to my sister’s. I am also pregnant and not feeling great and don’t want to drive 5 hours round trip for the 3rd time in 2 months. My mom also wants us together all day on Sunday, but realistically with a 5-hour trip, we will not be able to spend a ton of time together before we have to leave to get my 3-year-old in bed at a regular time.
To top it off my husband and I both have to work Monday so it’s not like we can stay late or stay over.
My mom says I’m being difficult and selfish and I need to just suck it up and go to my sisters.
I’m at the point where I almost don’t even want to go. Am I being an incredible jerk here for not being empathetic about my pregnant sister?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you are already doing Christmas differently, i.e., not on the 25th. So, I’d just tell your mom it’s sad it’s just not going to work out this year.
They can go have Christmas with sister on the 18th, and then come have Christmas with you on the 25th because guess what! You’re xx months pregnant! Wonderful news! It will be so great to see them! Next year you’ll all get together…
If they balk, just say you’d be able to make their original plan, but sorry you can’t go all the way to your sister’s.
Don’t make excuses or try to reason, there’s really no point. Just be pleasant but firm. The worst that happens is you have a nice Christmas with your family at home.” MercuryRising92
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Some stress is expected during the holidays, but not enough to where it’s just plainly miserable.
Tell them they either it’s the original plan or you’re staying home. However, remember that you haven’t told them that you’re pregnant yet, so they think they are doing the pregnant sister a favor even though you are just as sick, they aren’t aware of it.
So, unless you come clean before Sunday, expect some backlash.
If they still choose the new plan, stay home, call them on Sunday, have them put you on speaker, and share the news then. But don’t make yourself miserable, we’ll be more miserable than you are with nausea and sickness.
I don’t know if it helps, but Dramamine makes ginger chews and those suckers have saved my life these past few weeks. I started taking one each morning. It’s like a soft taffy, so I rip it in half, roll it into an oval and swallow it with water (it’s about the size of the prenatal when like this).
I do it even before I feel nauseous every morning after I wake up and get ready. It doesn’t taste like ginger, more lemony, but there is a slight burn from the ginger in the throat that I don’t like. Nothing major, just not a fan.” basestay
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I’m sorry this is a consistent theme in your family and their treatment of you. However, I want to point something out to you. You keep saying you ‘had to.’ You had to drive 12 hours up a winding road because they changed the cabin, they ‘made’ you go on a three-hour hike, you ‘had to’ drive and stay for your sister’s wedding, and now you ‘have to’ take your three your old and your nauseous, pregnant self on a 5-hour round trip in one day because they’ve changed the plan in her favor.
None of this is true. YOU have chosen to do all of these things. YOU continue to betray yourself and allow yourself and your family to be disrespected, hoping to finally gain your family’s recognition, or because you enjoy the feeling of martyring yourself, or because you genuinely have not grown out of childhood into the realization that you are an adult who is responsible to and for only yourself, your children, and your husband.
What are you getting out of this, besides the satisfaction of righteous indignation? Is this going to be a nice way to spend the holiday? Are you going to create wonderful memories or just another instance of feeling less than to add to the pile?
No one is going to give you a prize for how much you can ‘take.’ No one is going to suddenly recognize you and say, oh Paperback Writer has been such a trooper, let’s all treat her like a real member of the family now.
I’m saying all of this because I was also the one putting myself through a lot of misery to stay in a family that treated me like the trash beneath their shoes. Stop putting up with it. It sounds like you have created a wonderful little family of your own.
You don’t need to be bringing this into your family’s life. Congratulations and have a very Merry Christmas!” OnyxRose31216
8. AITJ For Refusing To Waive My Rights To My Husband's Money Yet?
“My husband (35M) and I (29F) got married and bought a house together this year. We keep our finances relatively separate. We have a shared bank account that we contribute equally to but only for household expenses, everything else is kept in our own accounts and we don’t really care what the other person spends their own money on.
He makes about $100k a year, I make about $90k. We purchased the house for $575k (with a 5.79 interest rate, yikes) but put $225 down (he did $100k, I did $125k). We’re pretty frugal though and plan to massively overpay and pay this off within 5-7 years.
Recently, a friend passed very suddenly at a young age (33), and it kind of jolted us a little bit and made us realize that it can really kind of happen to anybody. We’ve started having a lot of conversations about the future and what we would do if something like that were to happen.
Both of us have 401(k)s. Mine has about $125k in it, his has about $170k. Because we’re married, the other person is entitled to that money should one of us die, but there is an option to sign a waiver allowing them to give it to somebody else.
I obviously want that money to go to him to help with the massive mortgage we currently have.
Last week, he asked me to sign a waiver that would allow him to give his 401(k) to his parents instead. He said my finances are relatively secure, and he doesn’t see how I would have an issue paying off the mortgage in the unlikely situation of him dying in the next seven years.
I feel uncomfortable with this and feel like it’s not fair for me to sign that and put myself in a vulnerable position when you truly never know. His parents own their home outright and are secure enough at their age that the extra money won’t make or break them.
My husband also has a life insurance policy that will go to them as he never put my name on it (I have absolutely NO Issue with this and it hasn’t been part of this argument).
My husband’s parents now think I’m a jerk and a gold digger, even though we’ve always had a really great relationship, and my husband is tremendously upset with me because I refuse to sign this form.
So, am I the jerk?
Edit: I think ‘separate finances’ was bad wording. I just meant we have our own bank accounts for ‘extras’ (like I use mine for birthday gifts for him, trips to Starbucks, and nights out with the girls). Other than that though, we do have combined finances.
We split the mortgage 50/50 (although he’s paying more to catch up to me right now). Everything else comes out of the combined account too (car insurance, phone bills, travel expenses, Christmas gifts for family). We do contribute equally to our life together and this is the first time we’ve ever had a hangup about anything financially!”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
He’s not a jerk for asking you, but he is a jerk for not accepting your answer and telling his parents and getting them stirred up.
Part of being a married couple is growing together and not leaving your life partner in a disadvantaged position if you can at all help it.
You have a massive mortgage. It would be irresponsible of him to remove you as the beneficiary of his 401k before that mortgage is cleared.
I would counter and tell him that if the mortgage is clear and the house is owned outright in 7 years then you can revisit the issue, but until then no, because should something happen to him you shouldn’t be entirely responsible for the costs of a home you mutually agreed to buy and his parents have the equity in their own home and would have his life insurance too.
Or you can tell him that you have had a rethink and you will also leave your 401k to someone else and if you predecease your husband he can struggle to pay the mortgage.” IllustratorSlow1614
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I find it bizarre that he would get his family involved in something that should be between the two of you.
He actually told his parents about you! And damaged your relationship with them. That doesn’t sound like he’s thinking long-term to me. What husband wants his parents to dislike his wife? The parent’s reaction is bad news also. The prospect of money seems to be more important to them than the health of their son’s marriage.
They’ve contentiously labeled you a gold digger. How do you put that insult back in the bottle?
Also, your finances aren’t really separate if you purchased a home together. You may have your own incomes and accounts but you’ve taken on a large debt together and need to pay it off together even if one of you passes away.
There are much bigger problems here. I hope you find a solution that gives you peace of mind. Think about talking this over with a therapist.” MagicianOk6393
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and stand your ground.
Something is very strange about this whole situation. In my opinion, it was odd to ask you to okay his parents as beneficiaries.
But it’s another level of bizarre to involve his parents and accuse you of being a gold digger. My guess is that either he and his parents have some financial arrangement they are hiding from you, or the three of them have a seriously unhealthy codependent relationship.
You need to get to the bottom of this. You can get a forensic accountant. I would also suggest consulting a lawyer and immediate couples counseling.” Tattersaile
7. AITJ For Not Giving My Medicines To My Mom?
“I (20F) have prescription meds for my ADHD but I recently changed my dose from 54mg to 40mg. I ended up with a good amount of leftover 54 mg pills because I hated the side effects and didn’t take them every day.
My mom (61F) also has ADHD but doesn’t take meds for it nor has she shown any initiative to get a prescription even though it would be very easy seeing as she is diagnosed. She’s moving houses at the moment and works two stay-at-home jobs which take up a good amount of her time but keeps asking me to give her some of my extra meds so she can be more productive.
I understand where she is coming from but I feel so incredibly uncomfortable giving her my meds as I have a lot of issues with authority and breaking rules. I know nobody would know but doing something even slightly illegal makes me want to vomit from anxiety.
I also have a lot of reservations about substance use and I don’t want to feel like my mom’s dealer, y’know? She also smokes a lot (and I mean a LOT) which can interfere with my meds. She keeps bringing it up and getting mad at me when I say I’m uncomfortable giving her my meds.
Not to mention, I’m the one paying for my prescriptions and I feel like maybe she’s trying to get meds from me so she doesn’t have to pay for her own. Idk am I assuming too much or making too big of a deal about this?
Edit: it turns out she used to take my meds every now and then when I was in middle and high school and still living at home. We talked on the phone and she acted like doing that was nothing and that it was fine.
Turns out I need to set more boundaries and maybe cut contact for a bit. I will be disposing of my leftover meds at my pharmacy.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Trading meds isn’t a good idea and like you said, it’s illegal. You aren’t her doctor and don’t have the authority to prescribe her anything, nor the MD to monitor her while taking them.
There is a reason why things like Adderall require the prescription to be approved and renewed by a doctor monthly, it’s an amphetamine. Highly addictive too. She can get them herself if she needs them so badly.” Tasman_Tiger
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Not only is entirely your right to say no to her, but it’s also very much the right thing to do.
If she wants to get on ADHD meds, she can absolutely go and get her own prescription for the proper dosage for her. Definitely look into safely getting rid of your excess pills and then you can be done with this situation.” hannahkelli
Another User Comments:
“Do not ever give your prescription to someone else. EVER. Unless it’s an emergency or something.
For one it is illegal. ADHD meds are classed as schedule II, and it is a felony to distribute them. Regardless of how likely it is anyone would find out or not, it’s better to not take the risk.
You don’t want to become a felon, get a fine, or have your medication taken away.
Second, you don’t know how mom will react. While the risk is low, the possibility of a bad or allergic reaction (or overconsumption) is there. And you would be found responsible/negligent in the court of law.
NTJ, DO NOT GIVE AWAY YOUR MEDICATION.” LazuliArtz
6. AITJ For Not Following My Sister's Babysitting Rules?
“Today was my sister’s (f28) birthday and her and her husband (m29) made plans to go out to dinner at a restaurant nearby. Their son is six months old and they’ve only ever left him three times before. I’ve minded him each of those times.
They’re very stressed financially and conscientious about raising their child. Her policy has always been for me to text her as soon as he wakes up, and then for me to attempt to soothe him while she rushes home.
Only one of the times has he woken up before they’ve come back, and that was after maybe two and a half or three hours.
This time however he woke up about twenty minutes after they’d left the building. I didn’t want to ruin their night so I did my best to make sure he was as comfortable as possible and waited until they were finishing their dessert before I texted her.
He was screaming a lot of the time and I’m worried that I’ve emotionally traumatized him even though he wasn’t hungry or anything. And I also know that my sister probably wouldn’t be too happy as she never leaves him crying, but my thinking was that she’ll never know, and her nice birthday dinner won’t be ruined. But it may have been morally wrong and also damaging for my nephew.
AITJ?
INFO: I was with him the whole time apart from when I went to the bathroom, and I alternated between singing to him, making weird noises while he was in the cot, and rocking him in my arms. He was probably crying for maybe 65% of the time, which was about two hours from when they left and came back.
Edit: I’m not going to do it again (partly because it was extremely unenjoyable I will admit) but it was also not a conscious decision from the beginning to go against her rules. I kept hoping he would go back to sleep or stop crying, which he did do for five or ten minutes here and there.
Then things would happen like the elevator doors opening, or he would think that my face actually wasn’t funny after all, etc.
Just to be clear, I, of course, did not leave him hungry with a dirty diaper. I also gave him plenty of cuddles and walked around with him and played some chill Satie which he liked for a little while.
I would never ignore him that’s borderline child mistreatment. I also know that he is healthy and getting on well for his age, my sister likes to discuss his scheduled doctor’s visits with me as well as small everyday details about their lives on a regular basis.
Also, we are close but she would NOT take any suggestions well from me about anything as I am much younger than her.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: as a father to a 14-week-old here is some advice. If the baby’s been fed, if the baby’s been changed, and if the baby is being attended to but the baby is still crying the baby is just fine, a screaming baby is a healthy baby.
Put yourself in their shoes, They know nothing of this planet that humming refrigerator to you might be a snarling monster to them. The sound you make walking you just ignore it cuz you know you’re walking that baby hears Bigfoot. And there’s nothing you can do to control that they have no concept.
All they know is something scared them and or someone’s not familiar and I just feel like crying. Babies are weird but they’re cute.” That-one-guy-is
Another User Comments:
“NTJ keep it to yourself you will only make her feel guilty and overprotective. Babies cry. Sometimes they just miss their moms. They have big emotions and haven’t learned to control them yet.
As long as the baby was watched, safe, fed, and changed you did nothing wrong. In fact, these occasional times away from their parents help the in their growth. The baby just isn’t too familiar with you (face, voice, and smell) keep visiting and holding and he will become much more receptive and calm.
Especially with age.” captnspock
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like you are a good babysitter and you just didn’t want to ruin your sister’s birthday meal. You are NOT damaging your nephew, babies cry. He won’t remember this AT ALL, he is only 6 months old.
He was safe and just being a crying baby. It’s no big deal. Don’t worry about this, it’s no big deal at all. You were thinking of your sister (who is probably exhausted and just needed a night out for her birthday to enjoy) and she didn’t need to know.
He was just crying, it’s not like he was hurt or sick or anything.” Defiant_Rule3099
5. AITJ For Not Making Coffee The Right Way?
“I work at a popular (just below Starbucks, in my opinion) coffee shop.
Because of the holidays, we are continuously getting new coffee flavors. Which is fine and tasty, right?
Except for a nightshift, which is where most of my shifts end up. A lot of people will come through and order the holiday blend or a variety of our other blends.
Because of how long I’ve worked there, I know pretty much how all the blends are made/taste.
So whenever someone comes through, instead of making, for instance, our holiday blend when they order it, I will add the flavor shots necessary to make it taste like our holiday blend.
Same with the other coffees.
I feel kind of bad because they have to pay extra and they aren’t even getting it. But at the same time, we are severely understaffed (2 people on the floor instead of the regular 4) and with the other person doing the night shifts tasks (which with 2 people would take about 3 hours, and she’s the only one doing them) I have to do 3 peoples jobs.
I make food, I take all the orders (at the front as well) and I make the drinks. I don’t have the time to make whole pots of coffee for just a few people. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, make the coffee. Just putting aside the allergies, possible sugar issues, and customers not getting what they for a moment, most chains use certain metrics to determine labor.
If you are meeting those metrics while taking shortcuts, it might remove the justification of employing another person because you two are handling the rush. At least in my job, failed metrics cut the managers’ bonuses and they were forced to make changes. They also had other people to answer to.” mexibella255
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
It’s not that hard to make the right coffee. You could literally kill people. People like you working with food/drinks is literally one of my worst fears as a diabetic with food allergies and somebody who is married to an insulin-dependent diabetic.
Do you even understand how serious this is? Grow up, get a different job, and stop trying to kill people. For Pete’s sake, it’s not that hard to be a decent human being.” Kittydarling666
Another User Comments:
“Your job is to take orders and make them the way the customer requested. Not only are you tricking customers by making for pay for a different drink, but you could also potentially kill someone.
People have allergies, diabetes, etc.
If you’re gonna be doing this you don’t need to be working around foods. The way someone told you that you could potentially mess with someone’s health and you said you ‘try’ to make the right blends oh nah baby you need to be fired. YTJ.” squishiyoongi
4. AITJ For Not Helping My Partner Find A Bathroom?
“So I (F27) and my partner Patrick (M27) have been together just over 18 months. We were visiting my family this week and were staying at my grandparents’ place, along with my parents and 2 siblings.
Patrick has not been to their house before, but I showed him around the whole house when we arrived. They have a pretty big house, two bathrooms upstairs, with another smaller bathroom downstairs.
Anyway, while we were staying, there were a few times when Patrick and I would be doing our own thing in different parts of the house (watching TV, talking to relatives, napping, etc.). However, I started to notice he would always come and find me when he needed the bathroom to check which one to use.
I always said he could use any that are free.
One evening I was in the downstairs bathroom getting ready for bed and I got a text from him asking where I was, I said I was in the bathroom, and he told me to hurry up because he needed me, I asked what for and he said he needed to go to the bathroom.
I thought he meant to use the bathroom I was in so I asked if any of the others were free and he said he didn’t know. I told him to go and check, but then he started angrily messaging me saying he couldn’t and I needed to help him.
I just ignored him as he was being ridiculous and a grown man can go to the bathroom without his partner helping him.
When I got back to the bedroom, he was still there and was really angry, calling me the jerk for leaving him in a house he didn’t know when he needed the bathroom (he knows where the bathrooms are as he had used each of them at one point or another over the week).
I feel like he’s old enough to figure this stuff out himself and I shouldn’t have to look after him like this, but at the same time, he seemed really angry and upset, so AITJ for not helping him find a bathroom?
Edit: I did have a conversation with him after the first couple of times this happened and he said it wasn’t anything to do with anxiety, he just needed to know which bathroom to use.
I told him to stop asking then but he still got angry/upset.
UPDATE: I had another chat with him this evening (we are back home now) and turns out he was ‘in trouble’ a lot as a kid for using the wrong bathroom at his grandparents’ house.
It seems he has some unresolved trauma around it that he didn’t even realize himself at first. I’ve said I will be happy to help him however I can going forward.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I think your partner either isn’t being honest about his anxiety or hasn’t recognized that he is at least having some anxiety disturbing someone who is your family, in their home, in their bathroom, during a very vulnerable moment.
He needs you to check to make sure it’s safe because it’s less embarrassing for him and he wants to make sure he leaves a good impression and leaves that house with your family singing praises about him.
Or at least, that’s the impression I’m getting off of this.
Even if he isn’t like this at home or with his family/friends, he has to be extra on his toes in order to make sure your family likes him and he doesn’t do anything to embarrass himself. Wouldn’t be surprised if something like this has happened before!” alldogsbestfriend
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and this is weird.
You shouldn’t have to do this, but if I were you, here’s what I would do: the next time he asks, go with him but ask him what he would like you to do at every step.
Get him to talk through each step of whatever weird process he thinks is going to happen, and ask if it’s something that only you are capable of doing.
Maybe you’ll get through the whole process with literally nothing that only you are (apparently) capable of doing for him.
(This seems most likely.) He’ll say you should pick which toilet to check first; you’ll ask what makes you more qualified to pick a random toilet than him. Suggest he pick a random toilet right then and there. He’ll ask you to look into the bathroom to see if someone is in there; you’ll ask what makes you more capable of looking into the bathroom than him.
Suggest he look into the bathroom himself right then and there.
Or, maybe, you’ll discover a specific step or issue that is apparently causing the problem for him, and you can talk through it. Maybe he feels like he is not supposed to be in the hallway he’d have to go through to check the toilets himself.
Maybe he is worried about something happening that he has no reason to worry about. And then you can address whatever the issue is directly, without him just relying on you for this weird thing forever.
Again, to reiterate, this is all deeply weird and none of this should be required of you.
But if you’re committed to being with him and you don’t want to do this weird bathroom dance forever, this could get you past this weird issue.” User
3. AITJ For Riding An Uber To A Wedding?
“My sister got married last weekend. I flew into town and my parents insisted that I stay with them instead of in a hotel like I wanted.
My parents are consistently late for everything. I think it’s a Latin thing. I hate being late. I think it’s disrespectful.
The wedding was at 2:30. My folks live about half an hour from the church.
Noon rolls up and my folks aren’t even getting ready yet.
They are adults and I am over dealing with them.
I get ready. I send for an Uber and I am at the church at 2:00.
I check in with my sister. She asks me if I had any problems getting my parents to church. I told her that I came by myself.
She said that I was responsible for getting them there on time.
Well nobody asked me to do that. I didn’t even want to stay there.
So now everyone starts calling my parents. They are getting ready.
They were about 35 minutes late.
The service was shortened because there was another wedding later that day.
Everyone is still mad at me for not getting my parents there on time. My aunt said that I’m a jerk for messing up the timing of the wedding.
My mom says it’s my fault for not reminding them to get ready.
Am I the only one who thinks adults should be able to be on time for their own kid’s wedding without help?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, this sounds like a classic ‘missing stair’ situation where nobody wants to yell at the problem person directly because that person is never going to change. So they instead yell at everyone else for not managing around the problem person. You now know going forward NEVER to stay with your parents again or be put in a position where you could be seen as ‘responsible’ for them.
This is the kind of thing that’s easy to say on the Internet and less realistic to do in real life, but I kind of wish your sister had just started the wedding on time and locked your parents’ lazy butts out of the church.” crockofpot
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Your sister and parents suck, but you suck too for making a principled point on your sister’s wedding day. This is your family, you knew how your parents would be. You said if you’d been told you were responsible for them you’d have prodded them which is fair, but you knew they were going to be late and you just let it happen.
Your sister’s wedding isn’t the time to make this stand, the kind thing to have done is herded your parents to the wedding as if it was an implicit request from your family and then make it clear later that you didn’t like that role and don’t plan on ever doing it again in the future.” dano
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
If your sister didn’t specifically ask you to get them there on time, you did nothing wrong.
You made it there on time. The other grown adults are capable of the same.
Remind everyone giving you a hard time that you were never asked to do that.
Had you been asked, things might be different. Your sister probably should have taken steps to prevent it. You’re still not responsible for your parents’ lateness.
‘My mom says it’s my fault for not reminding them to get ready.’
Your mom is a grown adult who should be able to remember her own daughter’s wedding start time.
She can take all of that guilt she’s trying to put on you right back.
If you have someone perpetually late, you always plan ahead. At your wedding, print a special invite just for your parents with a start time a half hour before the actual start time.
Or you can say the wedding party needs to be there an hour before the wedding. Your sister should have done the bare minimum to get them there too. Like all she had to do was ask, but she didn’t.” Liss78
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
It’s your sister’s wedding, it’s one of the very few things you should have helped with. You KNEW they were running late and it was a very important day for your sister, so for her sake, you really ought to have gotten them going. It’s a case of ‘knew the train wreck was coming, probably should have done something’ although not your responsibility… but for a wedding, you needed to try and keep things moving with those jerks for your sister’s sake.
But they are massive jerks here. So massive planets are circling them. They’re adults and their daughter is getting married and there is NO excuse for not making sure they were set up to be on time this ONE TIME.
Everyone blaming you is also a jerk.
You were not told specifically that you were EXPECTED to get them out of the house on time. It was assumed. THEY could have been calling your parents that morning and reminding them, and THEY could have volunteered to pick your parents up on the way to the service if it was soooooo important to them.” maroongrad
2. AITJ For Turning The Heat On Again?
“I (22f) have two roommates (25f) and (27f) in a very cold city. Coldest days are around -40 before intense wind chill. Our home is a duplex with an open-concept layout downstairs and bedrooms upstairs.
My roommate’s room (call her R) and mine are small with 2-floor vents, so they are hotter than the rest of the house. For context, R and I have many issues with each other, but I figure out a way around them and keep it to myself.
R doesn’t tell me she has an issue, then trashes me to our other roomie (call her M). M doesn’t like R trashing me or her turning the heat off, but I asked her to play neutral. R is dead set on complaining about me, even talking to M about things that M actually did and R didn’t know.
I’ve provided all our furniture, appliances, cleaning stuff, and decorations, and pay our utilities alone, and I’m the only one taking care of house chores and cleaning. I don’t mind doing this, but I do mind R sitting at the table I bought, eating from the candy bowl I put out, saying how I make the house miserable.
The common theme is she doesn’t want to bring up an issue or fix it but wants to complain.
Fast forward, it’s getting really cold out, I start turning on our heat and run it on auto at 21C/ 70F. I would turn the heat on, then it would be freezing again and I would see the heat was turned off.
I would turn it on, then she would shut it off and we would do this back and forth while never mentioning an issue. I may be a jerk here, but I had enough and felt like if she’s not going to talk to me about the heat but trash me to M, then I will keep turning on the heat.
Our house became so cold that M and I couldn’t do anything around the house, and it was not ok for my cats or our pipes. So I put a piece of tape on the thermostat switch, but R took it off and turned off the heat.
I wasn’t mad, but I have heavy-duty tape and I thought it would be funny to put a bigger piece of tape on. M told me that R had a real breakdown over the tape, So I sent R a text saying it’s not normal to have the heat off, everyone else is very uncomfy with the cold, I offered to close her vents for her and offered her my tower fan, asked her to stop taking away the heat for the whole house, and that moving forward we will keep the house at 20/21C.
M thought it was respectful, but R thought my text was vile. R hasn’t touched the thermostat but still complains that it is my fault that she suffers.
Here is an area I’m unsure if I’m a jerk: R is very obese and is usually drenched in sweat, even when our heat was off.
I’m not sure to what degree we compromise being cold to accommodate her health, but also she never mentioned any health issue. I could’ve just had a convo with R, shouldn’t have done the tape when I knew it would rile her up.
I want to know who is the ultimate jerk here. Also, I pay the heat bill alone since R isn’t good about paying rent, I don’t have the energy for another battle.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – if you’re paying all the utilities because say she’s bad at paying rent she doesn’t have anything to complain about because even if she buys a fan to use she wouldn’t be paying for electricity.
It is actually quite unfair, both roommates are older and should know how to be more responsible, they’re taking advantage of you.
As you’re doing everything (cleaning/ groceries/financial responsibility) alone it might be best that when the lease is up you move into your own place and take all your furniture with you and transfer any of the bills that are in your name like gas, electricity, internet to your new place.
You’ll end up being much happier than living with people that you’re not compatible with that takes advantage. If you do leave they may beg to keep utility bills in your name but don’t fall into that trap, they will ruin your credit score and leave you responsible for paying the bills.” AugustWatson01
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
It’s obvious both of you are very uncomfortable with the two extremes and have developed a relationship where communication isn’t healthy and you both default to anger. It sounds like her issues are deeper than you’re aware of, but she needs to get a grip because you’re paying for the utilities anyway, and having it off completely is absurd.
I think 70 is too high for heat and you could just lower it and layer if it gets too cold, even though you’re the one paying for it. 70 with heat feels WAY hotter than 70 straight up would be because heat is constantly blowing out those vents and if it’s super cold, that air is going to be hot.
You two need to sit down and resolve some of your issues or she needs to move out since you’re paying for the stuff because on this trajectory it’s only going to get worse and I feel like there are some ways you guys can both be reasonable.” sharkeatskitten
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Instead of pranking someone who very obviously is not comfortable in the same temp setting as you, did you think about talking to her and saying, ‘Obviously 40F is too cold for everyone here but seems 70F is too warm for you.
Can we talk about maybe setting the thermostat to 68?’ Much colder than 68 is not really ideal, and at that point, you may need to look at getting space heaters in the rooms that everyone ELSE is in, or maybe consider asking R to find other accommodations at her earliest convenience.” Oxfordcomma42
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Communication needs improvement from all three roommates. M needs to speak up and tell the others to not put her in the middle. The other two need to learn to sit down and talk things out.
There should be some kind of roommate agreement and monthly meeting.
It makes zero sense why one roommate is paying all utilities and doing all chores for the household. You all should split up the bills and agree to a set deadline as to when money has to be put in the pot. If money is late then the tardy person will be required to pay any and all late fees.
You are all grown-ups and if one person can’t pay their bills then they should go back home to mom/dad.” User
1. AITJ For Telling My Ex To Pay Child Support?
“My ex and I were married for about 10 years and during the entire marriage, he brought home about 10% of my income. He had this thing about not working for anyone but himself so he started one failed business after another. The one good thing about my ex is his work ethic.
He worked at least 100 hours a week on his businesses and sometimes he would sleep for only a couple of hours a day. That meant that I was both the breadwinner and did most of the work raising our daughters. We fought constantly until I finally had enough of feeling like a single parent so I divorced him.
In the divorce, he agreed to not sue for child support and alimony in turn I agreed to not move the girls more than 50 miles from him. I eventually remarried a wonderful man and had 3 more children. My new life is wonderful with a partner who contributes equally.
My husband works a normal job, helps raise our children, helps out with housework, and loves my daughter as his own.
My ex’s business took off and he’s now firmly in the 1%. He bought his parents a $1 million home. He bought himself a $1 million house just for the location, tore down the house, and built a bigger house on the land.
He’s fully paying for our oldest daughter’s college and intends to pay for the younger one when she goes next year.
The problem is my husband got laid off about 6 months ago and due to the state of the economy, has been unable to find another job in his field.
Money is getting tight and we had a discussion. He brought up the fact that my ex was a deadbeat during our marriage and now that he’s doing well, he owes me money. I agreed so I brought it up to my ex and asked him to pay me for all of the years I paid for him.
He had the audacity to actually laugh in my face. We got into a huge argument and now our daughters are mad at me.
I told them they were too young to remember me paying for all of the groceries and our rent. They’re too young to remember the weeks upon weeks I was the only one home to take care of them.
I told them they see their dad as he is now, not as the guy back then who begged me for gas money.
I’m not asking him for money out of the blue. I supported him for 10 years and basically raised our girls alone.
I think he owes me for that and told him so.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You supported him for all of those years but you didn’t ask for anything in return at the time and when you had enough you divorced him. Now that he’s successful and you’re the one struggling you decide he owes you something that he absolutely doesn’t owe you.
He could have asked you for alimony or child support easily and he didn’t. He just continued working on making his business a success and he did it. He’s paying for the children’s college among other things so he’s doing his due diligence. You dropped him when he was at his low point and now you want to benefit from the high he’s on.” pastapearldesaucer
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
He doesn’t owe you anything. You two were married, things didn’t work out, and the two of you made an agreement and went your separate ways. And he’s fully paying for both daughters’ school now.
‘The problem is my husband got laid off about 6 months ago and due to the state of the economy, has been unable to find another job in his field.’
Then tell him to get a job in a different field, even if it’s less lucrative. He called your ex-husband a deadbeat (and you agreed), despite him working 100 hr weeks. Maybe your current husband who hasn’t worked at all in 6 months and won’t get a job in a different field is the deadbeat.
‘I’m not asking him for money out of the blue. I supported him for 10 years and basically raised our girls alone. I think he owes me for that and told him so.’
You never thought that until your current unemployed husband brought it up.” CrustyBloke
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, child support is for the children, not you and your current husband. As long as he is making sure his children are taken care of, it doesn’t matter how awful your and your husband’s lives are.
Really doesn’t matter what you contributed while you were married. If you would have stuck it out with him, your investment would have paid off, but you didn’t, so you aren’t entitled to his wealth now.
Not faulting you for the divorce, but it’s still the consequences of your actions.
The fact you think you are entitled to any money after 10 years is insane.
Based on the fact your current husband is trying to get a handout from your ex, who still seems to be there for his family and children, I’m also going to say you traded down.
Also, stop bad-mouthing their dad to your children. That’s probably the biggest jerk move of this whole thing. No parent should be talking trash about the other one to try and curry favor from their children. The more I think about this, the more I hate you.” landwalker1
Metaspoon Slow or Crashing?
If Metaspoon is causing your browser to crash or run slowly, please try viewing the article in Lite Mode and it should run more smoothly!