People Keep Stressing Over Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories

Dive into a world of personal dilemmas, ethical quandaries, and social conundrums in this captivating collection of stories. From navigating family dynamics, addressing roommates' eccentricities, to managing relationship hiccups, each tale unearths the question: "Am I The Jerk?" As you journey through these narratives, you'll find yourself questioning societal norms, redefining boundaries, and perhaps, even questioning your own judgments. So, buckle up and get ready for a rollercoaster ride of emotions, decisions, and debates that will leave you pondering long after you've finished reading. AITJ = Am I the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk WIBTJ = Would I be the jerk? YTJ = You're the jerk

20. AITJ For Refusing To Lend My Dad Money For His Stepdaughter's Birthday?

QI

“My parents are divorced. My dad screwed our family over in the divorce. He got into a lot of debt and left my mom to deal with some of the fallout knowing she was a stay-at-home mom with no income of her own.

He was somewhat controlling where that was concerned and he “didn’t want the mother of his children working outside the home”. Both households struggled for years because of his actions. As the oldest I (17M) had the burden of being made aware of this, which is something my mom yelled at dad for because he encouraged me to get a job when I was 10 to help out financially.

Mom was so angry at him.

While still in debt and not even formally divorced from my mom, Dad met his current wife and moved her and her three kids into the house he was renting. They got married days after the divorce was finalized and wasted money my dad did not have.

When I was 15 I asked my mom if she would feel comfortable with asking for full custody of me. She said of course and she refused to let me help with money (I had a small part-time job at the time). Mom got full custody of me but my sisters still had to do the 50/50 thing.

I stopped almost all communication with Dad. But I can’t entirely cut him off until I turn 18.

My dad still struggles with money and there were times, when mom didn’t try and make up for him, that I bought my sisters stuff for Christmas or their birthdays that would make up for him instead.

But they got them at home with me and Mom. Dad became aware of this. And last week he asked me to let him borrow some money for his stepdaughter’s birthday which was 2 days ago. I told him no. He texted me about 40 times asking for the money and saying he would pay me back on March 15th.

I said no again. I ignored the rest of the texts that came through.

The day of his stepdaughter’s birthday he called and texted me a bunch and told me how upset she was to get no gifts and how bad I should feel when I have made sure my sisters never feel that way and wouldn’t do the same for a stepsibling.

His wife also texted me saying I should be more compassionate.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ “he encouraged me to get a job when I was 10 to help out financially. Mom was so angry at him.” What?? His track record of jerk behavior is impressive.

You’re 17 now & he still hasn’t learned it’s not okay to ask you for money. “His wife also texted me saying I should be more compassionate.” She’s a good match for him in jerk terms. Good luck for the future, including permanently freeing yourself from this deadbeat.” Apart-Ad-6518

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. It’s not your fault your dad is an inconsiderate jerk with no awareness of saving money. Blaming you for his own problems is wild. Don’t let those trashcans guilt trip you. I bet if you give him money once, he will continuously ask for more.

I’d block them both and cut contact completely. Toxic people aren’t worth the time. Make sure to save the messages first. Do you even have a relationship with the step-family?” Keenzur

Another User Comments:

“Print out the texts, frame them and wrap them up nicely and send them to your stepsiblings.

As a reminder that their parents were not able to start saving money for an event that comes up every year at the same time. How was he gonna pay you back if he can’t even plan such a thing? NTJ.” GemueseBeerchen

3 points - Liked by paganchick, Disneyprincess78 and lebe
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19. AITJ For Refusing To Wear A Dress Chosen By My Brother's Fiancee Due To Her Insecurities?

“My (f27) brother (m34) and his fiancee (f31) are getting married soon. My husband and I got our invitation, all fine.

However, this is the problem I am having with them.

I’m not a bridesmaid/in the bridal party because I have a baby and as she’s very young (four months now) and I was either pregnant/with a newborn during most of the wedding planning it was for the best. So I’m just a regular guest as everyone else right?

Well, my brother and his fiancee came over a few days after they sent the invitations because they wanted to talk to me. My FSIL basically told me she had gotten a dress for me and she’d love for me to wear it for their wedding.

I was kind of like “Okay, thanks…? But why?” You know?

At first, she didn’t want to tell me why they’d chosen a dress for me but finally, she told me that I tend to “draw too much attention to myself”. Last year our other brother got married and my FSIL thinks that she doesn’t want to risk having me show up similarly to their wedding.

Btw, I wasn’t wearing an inappropriate dress or white, anything like that, I was wearing a normal formal dress.

I was very confused by this and I asked what she meant because as I said I know how to dress up for a wedding. I reassured her she shouldn’t worry about being “outshined” because for starters it’s her wedding day and everyone will be paying attention to the bride and groom.

And secondly, I won’t wear an inappropriate dress with like too much cleavage or something (her family is rather conservative, so I thought maybe she was more “scared” of her family’s reactions”).

We discussed this for a while and she told me that the problem is my weight, she’s a little overweight and I’m not (always had problems gaining weight, even while pregnant) so she feels insecure and that’s why she wants me to wear a dress that would cover me completely.

This is where I think I might be the jerk, I told her that her insecurities were not my problem and that it was weird to ask me to wear a certain dress just because I’m skinnier than her. She told me that she knew I’d have this reaction because supposedly I always want to be the focus of attention.

She also said that my life has always been easier and it’s not fair that I want to “steal” her wedding day as well. I asked her if she was doing this with every other woman who was skinnier attending the wedding and she said no, so I told her that’s a bad move.

We argued and then my husband and brother got in between us too so they argued as well and finally we kicked them out, but not before I told them to enjoy their day because I wasn’t attending the wedding, for which they accused me of being a drama queen and wanting to embarrass them by not going.

Well, I’m more calm now and this has caused quite a fight in our family as well. I admit that I was so tired and stressed that day because my baby had been sick all the prior day/night. So idk, do you think I exaggerated here?

Or were they truly rude to ask me something like this?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I have 6 sisters-in-law, they are stunning and tall and blonde. I am not, I’m pretty but not the models my darling husband has for sisters! They were all my bridesmaids in flattering dresses.

I knew they would look beautiful but I would shine as it was my day marrying my darling love. Sister-in-law needs to remember what the wedding is really about.” literaryhogwartian

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. If the situation had been reversed and you had been asking her to wear something specific because of her weight you would have been accused of fat shaming.

It was very rude of them to ask what they did. I could understand if you had a habit of turning up to these kinds of events in a bikini but you don’t. You do dress appropriately so it’s all down to her jealousy.” sjw_7

2 points - Liked by Disneyprincess78 and lebe
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Disneyprincess78 2 days ago
Sounds like she pulled the drama queen move and you put her in her place by declining the invite. She doesn't get to offend you and then summon you to an event. She doesn't want you there, but now she has to be responsible for her actions.
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18. AITJ For Not Attending My Best Friend's Wedding Due To My High-Risk Pregnancy?

QI

“One of my very best friends is marrying my older brother. She and I have been close since before they started seeing each other, and to be honest I am much closer to her than my brother.

She has her wedding planned for the end of May of this year. We live in a desert area, so an outdoor wedding in May is pretty hot.

I am currently 22 weeks pregnant. I am due in mid-June, and I am fairly high risk (history of preeclampsia) and this is my third kid.

I live almost 3 hours from the wedding venue. I told her I wouldn’t be able to go within a month of my due date, and insisted she not plan her wedding around me when they started talking about getting married. She said she wanted me there and set the wedding for the end of May, thinking a different calendar month was enough.

It’s 25 days before the due date. I love my doctor, we’ve been preventing things when we can, and he knows my health history very well. Both of my other kids were at least a week early. So I told her my husband and I wouldn’t be attending.

They are not engaged yet, they have just paid for the venue and photographer. There won’t be a dinner, more like a dessert bar. They haven’t sent invites or anything, they haven’t started counting how many people, so they shouldn’t be out any funds if my husband and I are not there.

Obviously, she isn’t upset about the funds, she wants two of her best friends there.

Here’s why I might be an extra jerk:

She has a lot of trauma related to her family dying when she was young, so most of the attendees will be on the groom’s side.

My parents have been super mean to her because she and my brother are living together before marriage. I want to be there to defend her because they were mad at me and my husband for the same thing, which isn’t their business and I will make sure they keep that to themselves.

Before she told me the dates, I said yes to being a bridesmaid. I knew I needed to tell her ASAP that we couldn’t come, especially because I said yes first thinking it would be after the baby since the engagement will be very short.

I kind of put my foot down when she tried to solve the problem. She insists that because she’s a nurse, she would be able to handle anything that happened. I told her that her experience in NICU wouldn’t help me at her wedding, and I don’t think she loved that.

She insisted I could sit down whenever I wanted, or attend as a guest not as a member of the bridal party. She also said there was a hospital 10 minutes away, and I reminded her my doctor was hours away. She insisted labor and delivery doctors are trained to handle all situations and that it would be fine, and I told her I wanted my specific doctor.

She hasn’t spoken to me in a few hours, and I feel pretty awful. Anyways. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You and your baby’s health and safe delivery are the only priority. Not her wedding. Yes, there’s a hospital 10 minutes away but people with high-risk pregnancies plan ahead and also want to be taken care of by the doctor they’re familiar with.

I assume there’s a birth plan and an emergency plan since both of your kids came early. You would love to go but not at the risk to your life or that of your kid. If she doesn’t understand that, that’s her problem. If my bestie couldn’t make it, I’d change my wedding date to a date she can be guaranteed to make it.” archetyping101

Another User Comments:

“I am a nurse. I would never in a million years suppose I could handle a pre-term birth in my friend with a history of preeclampsia. Even some L&D Docs would be concerned about that. Especially at my own wedding in a wedding dress no less.

I would consider reminding her that she knows that preeclampsia can have severe consequences for both you and the baby. And since your own Doc is very familiar with your case, you would feel much safer remaining under her care for that reason and not risking your health or the baby’s at that time.

Plus it will be much hotter then and you could be even more at risk due to fluid shifting and swelling due to the heat. I would tell her that you came to this decision with a very heavy heart because you really wanted to be there.

You love her and are excited to be related for real, but you are worried. You want her to have a perfect day. NTJ.” Special-Parsnip9057

Another User Comments:

“Repeat after me, “I love you. I wish we could be there, especially to run interference with the parents.

But with my medical history, I need to stay near my doctor at least a month before the wedding, and I won’t be able to travel for months after birth, due to an infant. You can’t make your plans around me, no matter how much we love you now and will love you after you are married. You are family.

You always will be. I’m so sorry.” Say it or send it in text. And then hold your ground. I’m sure she’s deeply disappointed and really hoped to make it work to have you there. Life is not perfect sometimes, and our plans don’t always work out.” everellie

2 points - Liked by Disneyprincess78 and lebe
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17. AITJ For Moving The TV Because My SIL Keeps Sleeping In The Living Room?

QI

“I (28F) have been married to my husband (29M) for 3 years. We are currently renting a 3-bedroom apartment, a master bedroom, a guest bedroom, and a small office.

2 months ago, my SIL (18F) moved in with us as she is enrolled in a university 10 minutes away from where we live.

My husband communicated this with me and I said it’s totally fine since we have an extra bedroom. We basically did a makeover so when my SIL moves in, she can be comfortable.

I work from home from 8 PM to 4 AM, and it has always been part of my routine after work to watch 2 to 3 episodes of whatever show I’m watching.

Hanging out in the living room with a cup of hot chocolate and watching TV is my way to destress. But last week, my SIL started sleeping on our couch in the living room. So I asked her what was wrong with her room and if there’s anything making her uncomfortable.

She said nothing it’s just that the couch is more comfortable for her.

So what I did was sell her bed frame and buy her a sofa bed similar to our couch. They’re not the same of course but equally soft and cozy. I told her what changes I made in her bedroom and she said thank you.

I was expecting that after my work, I’d be able to hang out in the living room. But boy I was wrong. I began to get upset. I still went on and watched my show turning the volume really low.

During dinner the next day, my SIL complained that she did not sleep well.

My husband asked her why she’s not sleeping in her bedroom. She gave the same answer. That she’s more comfortable with sleeping on the couch.

So what I did was move the TV to her bedroom. That way she can sleep peacefully in the living room and I can watch my show at the same time.

I thought that was the end of it but no. The following day after my work, I went to her bedroom to again watch. I was shocked to see her sleeping there. I was so upset. So even if she’s there sleeping, I moved the TV back to the living room and didn’t care if I made a lot of noise.

To say that I was upset is an understatement. I was absolutely angry.

Apparently, she tattled to my husband and he told me it was a jerk move to move the TV back to the living room when she’s sleeping. That I could have done it the next day when nobody is sleeping.

I didn’t back down so it led to an argument. I told him to talk to his sister about what she really wants because I can’t be the one to adjust all the time especially since it’s my house. Saying that hurt him I guess.

It became obvious that she wants her own TV in her room. My husband suggested to just buy her one so this will be over. I said there was no way I would allow him to enable his sister’s bratty attitude. I was again called a jerk for saying that.

I vented to my mother about everything and she said I overreacted and that I should be the bigger person. I asked her why she’s not on my side. Her exact words were “Because you are 28 and she’s 18”.

So, AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. If she wants her own TV she can save up for one – after all, I doubt she’s paying high rent at your place.

Stealing yours and treating it as her own is some entitled and manipulative nonsense. You’re letting her live with you and you’ve made major adjustments for her… And it’s not like she’s 13. She’s 18. It’s time for her to act her age.” Reddit User

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. She should have never been allowed to sleep in the living room regularly in the first place. She should be fitting in with your household, not the other way around. “Being the bigger person” doesn’t mean letting a brat turn your household upside down through their selfish whims. She’s not your rebellious, selfish teenage daughter.

She’s a house guest you’re doing a favor for who should be being considerate of you. I would keep your foot down, your husband, as well as his sister, need to learn that you are not going to be the last to be given consideration in your own house.

Honestly, I’d insist she leave. It has already started off in a bad way when she should be putting her best foot forward — not acting like a princess with a pea under her seventh mattress.” kurokomainu

Another User Comments:

“She can buy her own TV, she’s an adult and can get a job.

She also saves a ton living with you guys. You even redid the room and bought her a new couch when she complained about the bed. She’s entitled and bratty, and being 10 years younger than you is NOT a valid reason for you to accept this.

Husband needs a spine and is a jerk for calling you a jerk. And seriously, forget being the bigger person. It just means that people get away with awful behavior. NTJ.” WalkingToConclusions

1 points - Liked by lebe
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16. AITJ For Calling My Partner A Jerk For Refusing To Accommodate My Brother's Picky Eating Habits?

QI

“So my partner and I have been in a relationship for 11 months. In fact, our 1 year anniversary would be this coming Sunday.

So my partner thought it would be a cool idea for him to cook for my parents. He wants to make fish tacos.

The thing is my brother would have to come as well because my parents don’t like leaving him home alone. And my brother has very particular food habits.

He is an extremely picky eater. And he will only eat what he likes. Which isn’t a lot. I told my partner he would have to make some chicken strips on the side and he said no. He said he won’t accommodate for my brother.

He said first of all he invited my parents, not my brother, even though he knew my parents wouldn’t leave my brother home alone. Then he said my brother needs to grow up and act like an adult. And that my parents babied him his whole life and that’s why he is the way he is.

I said there is nothing wrong with my brother but he laughed and rolled his eyes. He said my brother is a grown adult and should have a job and stop relying on my parents. And that he can’t stand picky eaters. So he will not make anything for my brother nor will he allow them to bring anything for him.

I told him he was unreasonable and was being a jerk. He looked at me and said to get used to it because life won’t hold my brother’s hand forever.

Now my partner is ignoring me and playing games on his computer instead of talking to me.

I feel like maybe I might have gone too far calling him a jerk. Was I a jerk here?

Edit:

My brother is 22.

He has never been officially diagnosed with anything but my parents never went out of their way for that. I don’t know exactly.

I just know if he isn’t around either my parents or me/siblings he becomes very anxious and fearful. The food thing has always been there. He won’t eat anything with any sort of sauce. He doesn’t like over-seasoned foods. He can’t eat anything that is too chewy or gooey.

He likes things like chicken strips and unsalted fries.”

Another User Comments:

“OK – saw your other replies. Your brother doesn’t appear to be diagnosed with anything that could explain being a picky eater. The weird part about this is your parents insisting that they bring your brother.

Normally as a host, your partner would first check with your parents on the kinds of food they like/don’t like. If your Mom hated seafood, for example, making a meal centered around fish would be considered rude. But nowhere do you state that your parents dislike fish.

If your partner was cooking for a BUNCH of people it would be impossible to poll everyone, because you’d never find one thing that everyone likes/dislikes. In that situation, your partner would make fish tacos and probably include something else for those who might not like it.

But this situation isn’t at play here. So, asking your partner to accommodate your brother, who isn’t even invited… seems a bit much. YTJ.” CassieW309

Another User Comments:

“Yeah, YTJ here You expect him to make accommodations for an uninvited guest. That’s not how things work.

He offered to make a meal for your parents, not your uninvited brother. I’m a picky eater. I get it. It sucks, and I don’t make much effort to change it. It’s my problem. I don’t expect people to make accommodations for me for a problem I create for myself.

“There’s nothing wrong with my brother” – but you said he’s an adult, with no job, can’t be trusted to be left alone at home, and is unable to function like an adult at a meal. None of these sound like a problem to you?

It sounds like your partner is realistic and doesn’t want to participate in babying your brother. YTJ.” BulbasaurRanch

Another User Comments:

“Everyone’s a jerk except your partner. Your parents never bothered to figure out if your brother has any diagnosable conditions that would explain why a 22-year-old grown man cannot stay home alone and refuses to eat anything except chicken nuggets.

They just spend their time burying their heads in the sand and enabling him. They are pretty crappy parents. You apparently are fine enabling your brother and you expect others to enable him as well. You are a pretty crappy partner. So, you expect the world to cater to your brother’s issues that you nor your parents will get him help with?

Where is the logic in that? Your partner is not responsible for catering to an undiagnosed grown man whom he didn’t even invite to dinner just because he’s a picky eater. Question: What’s the plan when your parents get old enough and have to move to a senior home or die?

Are you going to force your partner to accept your brother into your home and take care of him? Your parents are bad parents and bad houseguests, and you are a bad partner.” Spirited_Cry9171

1 points - Liked by lebe
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MadameZ 1 month ago
Sommewhere between NJH and ESH. 'Picky' eaters are often suffering from some form of mental health disorder or neurodiversity, though many are attention seekers. Either way, those who are willing to bring their own food to a social event rather than put extra work on the host are generally NTJ. People who refuse to accept other people's dietary restrictions and either sneak ingredients into food they are serving the person or bully and berate them for refusing to eat food offered to them are definitely jerks.
But, as PP said, what is the plan for when your parents can no longer look after your brother? Is being treated like a toddler all his life good for him, rather than getting a diagnosis and support for whatever his condition is? And should your partner be expected to accommodate your brother in everything, at the cost of his own comfort and wellbeing?
1 Reply

15. AITJ For Not Wanting My Troubled Brother Around My Child?

QI

“All adults involved are in their 30s, except my parents who are in their 60s.

My daughter is 3.

My brother is a very complicated man but ultimately has spent many years now using substances and taking advantage of my parents to do so. He has stolen from them, gaslit them, and controlled them. He lived with them until very recently after losing his job to a DUI.

My parents grew up in very difficult circumstances, so have vowed to never let any of their children go without, which of course I have benefited from too and am very grateful for (as is our older brother), but we’ve never taken advantage like our other brother.

He has had therapy and support (paid for by me and my parents) but still acts the way he does.

After years of also being lied to, being shouted at and called awful things, and a particularly bad incident when he was intoxicated in charge of my child and committed some other crimes, I told him I wasn’t interested in a relationship with him until he was better.

My parents were supportive of this, and my partner and I were clear we did not want my brother around our child without us present. We told my brother this as well.

My parents look after our daughter (3) once a week. Today, for the third time, I found my brother there.

I’ve been told he was there to collect something, but he was sat with a drink while my daughter played. My daughter has also said he was at the park with them.

I’m furious and considering getting alternative childcare as I don’t know if I can trust my parents anymore.

My husband supports this and, if we really budget, we could possibly afford it. But this would cause major drama in my family and I don’t know if my relationship with my parents would recover.

AITJ for expecting my parents not to let my brother in if my child is there?

My cousin says I can’t control who my parents let in their own house, and I agree, but I also think my worries about my child should be respected.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. “My parents were supportive of this, and my partner and I were clear we did not want my brother around our child without us present.

We told my brother this as well.” The story ended here – you agreed on boundaries and they broke them. This now means you need to be firm, and show that these weren’t in place without reason, and breaking them means breaking your trust. Remove your daughter directly, and inform your parents that they have broken your trust severely.

They will not be seeing you or their grandchildren until they apologize sincerely, and come up with a plan on how to never do stuff like this in the future again.” Change_contract

Another User Comments:

“NTJ ..Your child’s safety and your peace of mind take precedence over anybody’s feelings.

I would definitely talk to your parents and explain again, but ultimately it sounds like you can’t trust their judgment. Perhaps they could watch the child at your house, not theirs. At least your brother would know for sure that this is not a place he can just “show up”?” BenchForeign

Another User Comments:

“NTJ and your first consideration has to be your child’s safety. I don’t know why you’re worried about upsetting your parents. They’re the ones who have consistently lied to you and have put your brother’s feelings above their childcare commitments. If there is drama or hurt feelings, they are 100% the cause.” Ok_Childhood_9774

1 points - Liked by lebe
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14. AITJ For Refusing To Give Up My Seat On A Bus Ride Because Of My Back Injury?

QI

“I (27F) rely on public transportation, especially during winter when heavy snowfall affects the regular bus routes. Due to the conditions, a smaller shuttle bus, equipped for snow, is deployed. On a recent trip home, I faced multiple bus transfers and longer wait times due to the snow.

Despite a back injury that necessitates occasional seating, I endured standing throughout the journey.

At the final bus change, as we crowded onto the shuttle bus, an older woman behind me attempted to push past, presumably to secure a seat. However, there were already numerous people ahead of me, making it impossible to accommodate her request. Eventually, when seats became scarce, she asked me to stand so she could sit, disregarding my back condition.

Politely explaining my situation, I declined, suggesting she ask others to stand instead. However, she insisted it was my fault for obstructing her path, labeling me as selfish. Throughout the trip, she and other passengers gave me disapproving looks, making me question if I handled the situation correctly.

To provide context, my back injury stems from a fracture in the middle of my spine, coupled with degenerative changes in my lower back and mild scoliosis. And despite the constant pain, the strongest painkillers I can use are limited to paracetamol, as another medication I take renders opioids ineffective.

This leaves me in a perpetual state of discomfort, often necessitating rest to alleviate the strain on my back. I told her this in short terms.

So, AITJ here?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You weren’t “obstructing” her path — she was rudely attempting to push past you; because of this you became the scapegoat unfairly blamed for her not getting a seat.

Once you were singled out as “the person who should give up their seat” it is easier for others to give you dirty looks to make themselves feel moral rather than give up their own seat –which would be the truly moral thing to do if they really thought the older woman deserved a seat, especially after you had explained your back injury.” kurokomainu

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – you should have told anyone sitting who gave you a dirty look – they were free to stand and let her sit. Normally I would say – in general – if an elderly/pregnant/disabled person is standing – offer them a seat.

In this case – you ARE disabled. Even if not – you aren’t required to give up your seat. I just personally think it’s the right thing to do (as an able-bodied healthy adult) because I would hope someone would be as considerate of it if it was my situation.

I think people have very little empathy and consideration towards others. Yet – are quick to demand empathy and consideration. It’s a two-way street.” ZealousidealShake410

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – Age doesn’t necessarily equate to priority if both parties have legitimate health concerns. Invisible ailments shouldn’t be dismissed, and you have every right to a seat when suffering from a chronic injury.

It’s unfortunate that society often jumps to conclusions based on appearance rather than understanding that not all disabilities are noticeable at first glance.” FragileBluebell

1 points - Liked by lebe
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13. AITJ For Asking My Roommates To Let Me Store My Pee Sample In The Fridge?

“I (21f) live with three nursing majors (also 21f).

2023 was a bit of a rough year medically for me as I just found out I have an autoimmune disease. It’s also a pretty rare autoimmune disease so it has been A LOT of trial and error for treatment. My doctor ordered that I do a 24-hour urine collection.

I had never done this before so I was unaware that you had to keep the sample refrigerated in between collections. I asked the nurse how I should do this since I have roommates and she had absolutely no advice for me.

When I got home I texted my roommates letting them know that I had to do this and asked if they would be okay with it.

To my shock, they all said no. My one roommate even told me she would be absolutely livid if I did that. I ended up having to use one of those thermal lunch boxes and 2 ice packs on rotation to keep it cold. After one of my roommates kept making jokes about the situation and laughing at how gross it would be if it was in the fridge, I confronted her and said I had felt very frustrated at the situation and it felt a little unfair to me.

I acknowledge that it is not the ideal situation and understand her feelings, but I was left with very few options and very little sympathy from her.

She basically told me that it was an irrational thing to ask in the first place and kept going on about how unhygienic it would be.

I tried to defend myself saying how I would wipe it down, keep it in a bag, and keep it entirely on my side of the fridge, but she doubled down on me being in the wrong. Now, she’s taken it upon herself to ask our friends when they are over what they would have done in the situation.

I’ve heard mixed things and it’s making me question if it was an irrational thing to ask. So, AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – you have a medical condition, so it was perfectly fine to ask to use the fridge. Heck, I’d even go as far as saying that was the absolute right call to make.

What I don’t get is how your nursing major roommates are so disgusted by this. Surely, they’ll encounter far worse than this once they get a nursing job. In any case, they are well within their right to refuse, but they don’t have to be rude about it and they definitely don’t have the right to disclose your medical condition.” Zagriel55

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, for future nurses they’re really being twits. They should have problem solved this with you like adults. I’d have purchased a plastic bin with a lid to keep in your section of the refrigerator and either lined it with foil to obscure the samples or put the samples in a paper bag in the bin.

Remove the bin, insert sample, replace lid, put bin in refrigerator. No contamination or pee visuals. The roommates should have been fine with this. They are not being understanding of your medical problems and should hope they never experience something like this.” BluePopple

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I’m not going to stand in the way of someone’s medical diagnostic attempts, particularly if you keep it double-bagged. And it’s just for one day. When I had a pet hedgehog, I kept live mealworms in a container in the fridge.

Back in college, one of my roommates kept frozen pinky mice in the freezer for her snakes. I was startled when I opened that sack thinking it was my ice cream but saw it was her dead mice, but I was okay with them being in there.

So… maybe I’m not the best person to be answering this question…” HedgieTwiggles

1 points - Liked by lebe
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12. AITJ For Calling Out My Friend's Negative Attitude At Our Galentine's Party?

QI

“I (23F) recently had a Galentine’s party with a few of my closest friends. My friend (23F) who we will call Yvonne offered to host since she loves to have parties.

She said that we would plan the party together, but it ended up being mostly me doing the planning and putting money in towards decorations, food, and beverages. Anytime I asked Yvonne what she thought about an idea for the party, she didn’t seem interested in the topic.

The day of the party came and I went to Yvonne’s house to start setting up. She told me that she’s been in a slump lately and that her mental health wasn’t doing so well. Being someone who also has mental health issues I understood and asked her if she would rather we reschedule the party so she wouldn’t have to force herself to host. She declined and said she would be fine, and we went about decorating.

The party starts and eventually, it’s time for us to start making dinner. We made those heart-shaped pizzas you see on TikTok and Pinterest and it was then that Yvonne started showing attitude. She said her food was disgusting and absolutely refused to finish it.

She’s also done this a lot of times in the past, suddenly gets an attitude and starts hating on everything.

Her attitude continued for the rest of the night and she refused to participate in any games, talks, and photo ops we had. We all got into a deep talk about our past relationships and Yvonne was just listening with her arms crossed. Someone else noticed Yvonne’s behavior and asked what she was thinking.

She looked around the room and asked if we wanted her to be honest, and we all said yes.

She then proceeded to say that she was feeling super negative “all of a sudden” and thought that we were all losers who had nothing better to do than gossip and get tipsy with each other and that’s the reason why men don’t want us.

This came completely out of nowhere and everyone was shocked. I asked her how she could just say that and she shrugged and said “well you said to be honest”.

That was my last straw and I got up and started to pack my things.

Others were asking Yvonne why she had an attitude and she again mentioned her mental slump. I was so mad I turned to her and said she had no right to use her mental slump as a reason to be a jerk to us and that using it as an excuse was manipulative.

She got offended and said that I was a control freak because I rejected all of her ideas for the party and that I just wanted to do things my way.

While it is true I gently rejected most of her ideas, I did that because she was thinking about herself and the things she liked to do, not things that we all liked to do together.

I told her she ruined the party with her attitude and left. A small part of me wants to apologize, but I’m truly tired of her using her mental health to be rude to her friends and being expected to walk on eggshells around her.

AITJ here?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. She doesn’t like y’all. Has nothing to do with her mental health. Some people would rather pretend to be friends than be alone, and that sounds like her. She will be happier when she realizes she doesn’t have to force herself to hang out with people she doesn’t like, and y’all will be happier for not having to be around her.” StellarPhenom420

Another User Comments:

“YTJ it kind of sounds like you took over party planning for HER party. You said at the beginning of the post that she wasn’t interested in planning, and then at the end mentioned that you shut down a lot of her ideas… which is it??

Have some empathy and understanding. She was feeling sidelined as a guest in her own home after you took over party planning, so she lashed out. She was probably not that excited about eating the food or participating in the activities because they were the options you chose.

She did not respond in a particularly mature way, so it could be considered everyone’s a jerk, but the incident was instigated by your behavior and I feel like I need to balance out the NTJs with a strong statement.” LongNefariousness396

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – I have mental health issues, namely, ADHD, PTSD from child abuse, and depression.

I NEVER use my mental health as an excuse to be a jerk. It’s NEVER an excuse for anyone to do so. It’s not her mental health that is the issue, she is the issue herself. Ditch her, or accept that she will treat you like a punchbag every time she wakes up feeling cranky or has a temper tantrum.” Fickle_Look9546

1 points - Liked by lebe
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11. AITJ For Helping My Niece Learn Coding Against Her Father's Wishes?

QI

“My (M29) brother (M32) has a daughter (F14). She and her dad are polar opposites to say the least, so I take on my role as the funny uncle, and I actually spend time with her regularly.

My brother is a full-time programmer, I’m a mechanic but I also repair computers.

My niece one day said that she wanted to learn to code, and I thought that was great, but then she said her dad told her that coding is for men and there are almost no women who code. I called nonsense on that and told her where she could learn a bit for free.

I know very little about coding, but I helped her get started, and after she was doing well with the free options, I paid her for some online courses.

Recently she showed me the best thing she managed to do with what she has learned, her own Tetris clone.

To be honest, I don’t really know how complex is making a Tetris clone, but I was so excited for her and she was proud of it.

However, over a week ago my brother came to my place to argue with me, about why I was helping his daughter learn to code.

I told him just because she asked me to and she seemed to enjoy it. He said that I was undermining his authority as her father and that his daughter doesn’t respect him because I interfere with his authority. I argued with him that nobody likes a dictator as a dad and she would respect him if he started to see her as a person.

Then he said that his daughter will “go back to the Stone Age” until she learns to be a lady and stops trying to “become a man”.

We argued some more and he left. Since then, my niece has not talked to me and hasn’t posted anything on her social media (worrying since she is kinda addicted to IG and TikTok).

I wonder if I’m the jerk for helping her and getting into an argument with my brother and potentially ruining her life.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your brother is the worst, honestly, how dare he? A lot of the first programmers in the world were women.

I’m a female programmer. There is plenty of space in the world for more of us. Thank you for what you’ve done for your niece, I’m glad she has you in her life.” ChickadeePeachTree

Another User Comments:

“NTJ and keep being there for her, a few more years to go of ridiculousness and even possible emotional abuse/manipulation for her.

Play the long game. Life is looooong when dealing with such matters. But while her dad may control her, he doesn’t control you. I don’t mean this as an incentive to fight or be aggressive, just wait it out and keep being there for her.

Everyone needs their emergency safe zone, so be that for her. Without more details, I don’t know how serious this is, but I think you can jump pad off from here.” Asklotslively

Another User Comments:

“Your brother’s head is so far up his own misogynistic backside that he genuinely forgot the first programmer in the world was a woman, Ada Lovelace.

Good on you for being there for your niece and supporting her passions and of course NTJ. I wish her nothing but success in whatever field she chooses.” Wikipendotia

1 points - Liked by lebe
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User Image
MadameZ 1 month ago
You need to be there for your niece and be prepared for the fact that you might have to help her escape from her father. A man who would punish and abuse a child for learning a skill that he thinks is wrong is a dangerous, abusive parent. She's not posting on social media because he has taken or even destroyed her electronics. He may be keeping her away from school so she doesn't learn FORBIDDEN KNOWLEDGE like the idea that she is a human being with autonomy. Check in with her as much as you can. Do you come from a family of superstitious misogynists or is it just your brother? And where is his wife in this.
If he can't be taught to see sense, his daughter needs support to either stand up to him or get away. Men who are this misogynistic often escalate to physical violence in order to control women and girls.
1 Reply

10. AITJ For Telling My Partner's Sisters They Aren't Financially Ready For Kids?

QI

“My partner (late 20s) and I (mid-20s) share finances, this is important for later on.

His sister (late 20s, “Mandy”) is currently pregnant and recently came over to our apartment. She came over as her other sister (late 20s, “Becca”) was there to talk about her future baby boy. They asked me when I was planning to have kids and I told them when I can afford them financially and am mentally/emotionally ready for them.

My partner already knows this and has agreed.

Becca then proceeds to tell me that the aforementioned reasons aren’t valid and that “everything will work out in the end” and that kids are a blessing. I told her that’s an irresponsible way of thinking especially in this economy and that if someone isn’t prepared to have children they shouldn’t have them.

I told her just because kids are a blessing to you doesn’t mean that you are one to them. Just speaking in general and not pointedly at her.

I went on to say that kids are not necessary and if I never get to the standards that I feel are necessary to have kids then I simply won’t have them.

I told them I know what it’s like to be a kid who was born in poverty, tossed around from one person to another because my mom was at work and her still having more kids knowing she couldn’t afford the ones she already had.

I should’ve thought twice about saying that because that is Becca’s exact situation with her kid right now. Her kid is mostly passed around by his grandmas and sees his parents 1 day out of the week as they both work late hours and during that day parents are on their phones or smoking.

Becca starts getting insulted saying that I think I’m better than her and I responded that no I don’t. I just think kids deserve better than that and that they shouldn’t have to worry about money or where their food comes from.

Mandy then comes at me asking if I think she shouldn’t have a kid.

My partner then hears the argument (he was doing Becca’s oil change) and tells Mandy not to ask questions she doesn’t want to know the answer to. Mandy pushes more and I told her I don’t know how she thought it was a good idea to purposely get pregnant when she has no job and is constantly asking everyone for money because her partner won’t share finances with her because she spends every dime she gets.

Her partner already told her he’s only paying half the child’s expenses and none of her bills. He expects her to get a job after 4 months postpartum. My partner said that I didn’t have to say it that harshly but that he agrees with me.

He told Mandy that no one was going to tell her not to have a baby but doesn’t mean it was a good idea.

Now both sisters are saying that I was insulting their children and lifestyles and that I’M stuck up. So AITJ?

Edit:

  • Mandy will come to our apartment to talk negatively about how Becca is never with her kid
  • Becca will come to our apartment to talk negatively about how Mandy is always broke but still buying luxuries
  • Their mom will talk to me and my partner about how we should make better choices regarding creating a family than her daughter
  • their mom is still financially supporting both of them even though Mandy lives with her partner
  • my partner and I lend Mandy money and have to cancel plans to take care of Becca’s kid last minute.”

Another User Comments:

“You’re NTJ. Maybe a bit harsh, but they were begging for it and wouldn’t have reacted so strongly if they didn’t know deep down that you’re right.

“Becca then proceeds to tell me that the aforementioned reasons aren’t valid.” So she can dump on your life choices that have no negative impact on anyone, but you can’t point out their life choices that have a negative impact on the family, especially on the innocent children.” Dittoheadforever

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. That doesn’t sound harsh at all. On a side note: That’s the exact reason we didn’t have kids. We now listen to our friend go from “why don’t you have kids – sometimes you get money from the government!” to “I can’t support all these kids I was told by my parents to have.”” zoobird13

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I don’t understand why Mandy would choose to have a child when she can’t afford it. Maybe she thought she’d be able to get more money out of her mom or something. Too many people are like her and Becca. They have kids they can’t afford but they expect everyone else to help them.

I get the desire to have kids but it’s important to think about how to provide for them.” No_Confidence5235

1 points - Liked by lebe
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9. AITJ For Not Letting My Parents Sleep In My Room While I'm Away?

QI

“So my parents spend almost every weekend with us at our house and have done so for years. They stay in a guest room upstairs (king bed, comfortable, big TV, full bathroom). Historically, when they’ve house-sat (rare and we pay them) we’ve come home to find they slept in our bedroom.

Used our bathroom. Didn’t ask permission, just did it. I was always scared to confront them because I know my mom would be angry and not speak to me for weeks. But it makes my husband and me uncomfortable.

Recently, we went on vacation and didn’t even ask them to house sit (our dog died so no longer necessary – just a cat and bird and we have neighbors) but they were coming over anyway.

Didn’t discourage them because didn’t want to anger them. They love being here and we don’t mind. Our house is big and bright and theirs is kinda cramped & dark. It’s fine and we’re happy to have them here. However, the night before we left, my mom announced ‘Well you know we’re sleeping in your room when you’re gone’.

First time she’s told me in advance of a trip. To which I replied ‘We’d prefer you not to, if you don’t mind. Mi casa su casa but that’s the one place we’d like to stay private/personal etc.’ She got very angry and my parents have basically excommunicated us ever since.

That was weeks ago.

Now here’s the crux: my dad has cancer. Probably terminal. He feels sick all day. And this is why they are angry – that we’d deny them a week without dealing with stairs. The guest bedroom is upstairs. But so is their own bedroom at their own house.

He goes up and down stairs multiple times a day, every day, and has done so for years, before and during his illness. And he’s slept in our upstairs guest bedroom without issue all during his illness, including the night of the fight. There’s never even been a hint of concern about his ability to navigate stairs.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. They never should have been permitted in your bedroom and this should have been nipped in the bud. This is your house. You don’t even owe them permission to visit if you so choose. The problem is that you’ve been confrontation-adverse in the extreme and have been doormats for years.

What you should do and what you can do without dissolving into a puddle of guilt are almost certainly very different. Your parents are giving you the silent treatment for showing the remotest sign of having a backbone. If I had to bet, I’d bet on doormat behavior returning, and your parents would lose all respect for your boundaries (though you can’t lose something that never existed).

If you don’t wait out their tantrum, then you’ve shown that tantrums still work. Can you simply play the waiting game and not communicate with them ’til they finally contact you? “Don’t go into our bedroom” is an extremely reasonable thing. You need to discuss among yourselves how far you’re willing to go to get your parents to respect that.

Certainly, a good lock on the bedroom would be a simple first step. That is, unless you’ll just end up giving them the key.” extinct_diplodocus

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. If they are not watching any pets or you are not there, why are they even coming over?

They need to stay at their own home. Here’s how you ensure they can’t violate your boundaries: 1. Tomorrow, go get a lock for your bedroom. Lock it up so they can’t get in your room. 2. Get a keypad lock for the front door instead of keys.

When you leave, change the keypad and give the code to the neighbor. When you get back, change the code back. 3. Enforce boundaries. Cancer or not.” oaksandpines1776

Another User Comments:

“Well, I guess you have that big bright house to yourself since your mother would rather be angry than be a gracious guest. FWIW, my parents would never even think about using my room in my house.

I even offered and they were all, nope, no way, no how, super creepy, but thanks! Because of this, I find their gross overstep jarring. But, I have read other posts where parents don’t respect their children’s homes and privacy, so I guess it’s a thing.

Not a good thing, but a thing sometimes. NTJ.” 2dogslife

1 points - Liked by lebe
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8. AITJ For Using Onion In My Cooking Despite My Roommate's Claimed Allergy?

QI

“So I’ve lived in a house with 4 other roommates for 4 years. We all make meals for the whole household on a regular basis. And while one roommate says he just doesn’t like onion/powders/seasoning, another has been claiming he is allergic to onion. I have noticed him consume foods I know contain onion or seasoned with onion powder/seasonings.

Specifically dishes at a restaurant I worked at as a cook, without mentioning this “allergy” or asking for no onion. Obviously seemed to be lying about it. (Eye roll) Not gonna assume the reason why.

I feel that onion is a flavor that is a necessity in so many foods if it calls for it.

And since the first roommate doesn’t complain or even seemed to have had an issue with my using onion in smaller meals I’ve made. Hadn’t mentioned it once. I have resumed using onion in my cooking for the household for almost two years now.

Last week we had guests that stayed into dinner time on a night I was cooking and complimented the meal and asked what all was in it.

Not thinking, I mentioned onion as an ingredient. The second allergy-faking roommate, after eating two servings suddenly freaks out and starts getting unreasonably angry. Acting paranoid like he was going to have some reaction. Yelling and accusing me of trying to kill him. This became a big household fight for the next few hours, our guests left awkwardly and at some point, I let it be known just how long I had been using onion in my cooking.

So now I have 2 of the 4 other roommates thinking I’m a jerk and not wanting me to cook for the house anymore. Am I the jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“He may have an intolerance instead of an allergy where if he eats too much he has a reaction.

You’ve been giving him digestive discomfort for years and because he isn’t keeling over the second he eats it, you have decided he doesn’t have an allergy. YTJ. You are entitled and controlling. If he doesn’t want to eat onions then you should respect that.” rebootsaresuchapain

Another User Comments:

“YTJ, sadly. You’re totally right that it’s stupid to fake an allergy, but you’re not right to put something in the food that two people expressly said they didn’t want in their food. It’s also a bit like using animal fat in food and serving that to a vegetarian.

It’s violating. I find it odd ya’ll cook for the household, sounds a bit like a co-op. If you love onions, just cook for yourself. But if you cook for a group, you need to accommodate their food limitations, even if it’s just a mental limitation.

I hope you can resolve this with your housemates. Btw, the fake onion allergy might even be a phobia of sorts or some psychological issue you’ve triggered.” blueteamoon

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. Sneaking ingredients into someone’s food without their consent can create trust issues within the household.

It breaches the trust and respect that should exist among roommates, making them feel betrayed and unsure about what else might be hidden in their meals. Trust is crucial in shared living spaces, and violating it can strain relationships and lead to resentment.” odd-behaviour

1 points - Liked by lebe
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7. AITJ For Leaving My Roommates On Short Notice Due To Their Unacceptable Behavior?

QI

“My (26f) roommates (30m) (35m) have been living together for almost a year and a half.

My roommate Jason used to be my best friend, but since a weird stink he had around a year ago from taking substances every day all of my friends have cut ties with him. During that time he started stealing substances from me and my other roommate and claimed he had an insane addiction (?) and it made him do that???

Beyond his personality changing for the absolute worst (nobody should have ever written the book Buddhism for Dummies), he has taken over the shared living space.

Jason does have a kid, when agreed to live here he had her twice a week in his room.

But apparently, with this guy it’s like you give an inch and he takes a mile. He started having her sleep in the living room. And he also started sleeping in the living room. His TV and computer are in the living room, he never cleans up after his kid.

Slowly he just took over the entire house. He started using substances again! He takes little things from me that he thinks I don’t notice, like coffee, tin foil, and fruit.

Obviously, he sucks. I’m broke and a nursing student. I don’t need distractions of nonsense.

We live in a very expensive city, and I got a killer deal on an apartment a week ago. I spared no time and agreed and put my money down. My name isn’t on any lease or bill. I am kinda just living here, so I told my roommates I’m out by the first.

One roommate is just not talking to me and Jason is saying that this is messed up because that’s clearly not enough time to fill the room. He’s right. But I feel taken advantage of by him, I am legally not responsible, and frankly, they will never fill the room because nobody in their right mind would agree to live in this situation.

I feel bad, but I need to do what’s best for me right?

Am I the jerk here?”

Another User Comments:

“Mostly NTJ. I would honestly be doing the same thing, but one thing you didn’t mention is whether anyone’s actually communicated properly to them that the way they live isn’t okay to the rest of the household.

If there was a conversation and then the behavior continued you’d be 100% in the clear, but if there was no conversation and just an expectation for him to know then there’s a little bit that falls back on you. Even if something seems basic and common sense, you shouldn’t expect anyone to just know, communication is the best solution most of the time.” Haize16

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. He’s stealing from you. You only have one room and a bathroom to share because he has taken over the rest of the space. And who wants to live with an addict? He isn’t a friend. He is a former friend whose life is now out of control.

Any reasonable person would bail. The only question is why did you get such a good deal on your new place? Does a tuba player who practices eight hours a day live above you? In any case, best of luck to you.” grckalck

Another User Comments:

“I feel bad for the 3rd roommate stuck with Jason and now higher rent, but NTJ because someone who steals from you is NOT a friend, I don’t care how charming. Taking over common areas is not acceptable, and it sounds like you have tried to address that long enough.

So any complaints from Jason, just say wish I could stay but YOU have made it impossible (and nope too late to change, I mean he AND his kid have moved into the living room?) To the other roommate, a sincere apology and advise him that as Jason is occupying the majority of the space he should absorb the extra cost of your leaving.” ocean_lei

1 points - Liked by lebe
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6. AITJ For Confronting My Partner About Him Being Ashamed Of Me?

QI

“I (32F) have a partner (33M). We have been together for almost 8 years, but we do not live together and we have completely split finances. I have a ton of health issues, and on top of that, I am autistic. I do not work, I am on disability pay from the government.

I understand that these things are embarrassing.

In November, my partner asked me to accompany him to a work dinner in a month or so. I have never met his colleagues, and I said I’d love to.

When we got to like a week before the date, I asked him what I should wear, or if I should buy a new dress.

He said that he thought I didn’t want to come, so he only confirmed for one person.

I was hurt and said “but I said yes”, and he said that he just thought that the event didn’t fit me. I asked him why he even asked to begin with, and he apologized, and we let that go.

A week goes by and he goes to the dinner and I stay at home.

Fast forward 2 months to yesterday. My partner had just come home from the gym. I have no idea why but in the middle of cooking I just remembered that conversation and it hit me that he meant that he’s actually too ashamed of me, and I got really, really angry and sad and said something along the lines of “hey do you remember that time you were so ashamed of me you canceled dinner” which I do admit wasn’t productive.

He was in the shower so I don’t know if he heard.

When he got out he asked why I looked so sad (I was still cooking). I said that I don’t know why but I remembered the dinner thing and it felt bad that he cancelled because he was ashamed of me, and he got quiet.

During the course of the evening, he made some comments about random stuff a bit now and then, but I didn’t respond other than to acknowledge that I’d heard. We both were playing video games until he went home for sleep.

This morning he texts me:

“Hi remember yesterday when I was having a good night post fitness and you decided to go down memory lane and tank the energy level in the whole apartment? Then you went sulking with your games like that was a perfectly normal thing to do??”

I was amazed at this response because while it was a pretty delayed reaction it’s not like he would be less ashamed of me now. It’s not like if the dinner was tomorrow, he’d suddenly not be ashamed and we’d go. And I do understand why he’d be ashamed, but it’s not like I wouldn’t behave myself or dress properly for a dinner event.

It really hurts that he thinks so lowly of me. But it could be that I’m overreacting.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. “I have a ton of health issues, and on top of that, I am autistic. I do not work, I am on disability pay from the government.

I understand that these things are embarrassing.” These things are NOT embarrassing, and certainly should not be to a partner of 8 years. If he doesn’t love you for who you are…. then what is he doing? And to be more concerned about the “energy level” of the room when you were clearly upset about something he had done than the fact that he had hurt you.

Darling, you deserve so so SO much better than this guy who does not adequately respect you, love you, or cherish you. My opinion is that he should be sent packing.” fallingintopolkadots

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. The fact that he was more concerned with you “ruining his mood” than wanting to know more about how they potentially hurt you and how they can repair that damage is very telling.

Sounds like he is very adept at the five D’s of dodging responsibility.” [deleted]

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, you deserve to be with someone who’s not ashamed of you, and you deserve to be able to be sad about it whenever you want. If you were only getting started, I would suggest leaving him, but 8 years in is harder… But I don’t see how you can keep going out with someone who has admitted to being ashamed of you.

There is never anything to be ashamed of the person who makes you happy, no matter what they look like or if they’re autistic or not.” semus0

1 points - Liked by lebe
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5. AITJ For Yelling At My Nosy Neighbor For Spreading False Rumors About My Household?

QI

“So, for context, I’m a 41-year-old female. I’ve been married to a wonderful husband for 20 years and we’re still madly in love.

Due to mental illness, my husband can’t work, so I’m the breadwinner in our family. This works well, I got a high-paying job, don’t have overtime and mostly work from home. My husband is our homemaker and seriously he’s great at it.

Last year I was able to buy us a new house with a big garden.

We do have quite a high fence around our property, so looking into our house isn’t easy. You’d have to stand on your toes to peek over the fence. One of our neighbors, let’s call her B, is incredibly nosy. When we moved in, she was the first to show up, not to help, but to gossip about other neighbors and warn us to not trust them too much and things like that.

Two months ago, my husband’s best friend lost his job and his wife, who thought a jobless man who couldn’t provide didn’t deserve her. The poor guy struggled extremely with bills, divorce, and an upcoming depression, so my husband and I decided to get him out of this situation.

We do have a spare bedroom, that we wanted to turn into a gym room, but the room is still empty. So we offered this room to our friend, didn’t ask for rent or any contribution, just to help him be able to breathe again and focus on the future without having to worry about rent, bills, etc. The divorce is nasty enough, the poor guy doesn’t need more stress.

It works out really well, he’s a very nice guy, and doesn’t demand things from us, he’s just happy to have a safe space to heal and get back on his feet. We do things together, but he also stays happily in his room when my husband and I want to be alone.

Now, when I was grocery shopping a few days ago, I met some neighbors who gave me weird looks, which confused me. Since I’m not the type to just brush things off, I stopped and asked what the problem was.

Turns out, B had been snooping around our house and spreading nasty rumors in the neighborhood.

That I live together with 2 men, and the men in my house change, insinuating I was doing nasty things in my house since she rarely sees me go to work and my husband never goes to work. She spread in the neighborhood that I must earn my money on my back, otherwise I couldn’t afford such a nice house.

I was livid and told my neighbours on the spot what’s really the case and then I left too worked up to focus on groceries. Now in the parking lot, I saw B. In my fury and rage, I stormed up at her and started screaming at her.

I told her, that whomever I invite into MY house is none of her business and to stay the heck away from us, my family is not her concern and if she ever badmouthes me again, that won’t go well. Then I simply left, not wanting to hear any word from her.

Now some of my friends think I massively overreacted, while others think I was protecting my family and friend and gossip can hurt badly too, so I’m here for final judgment.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I think you really held back because I would have read her like a book to her face.

To tell her about herself and my reasoning for why she feels the need to involve herself in others’ lives. My goal would have been to shame her in public. Just because she doesn’t make that much money doesn’t mean a woman isn’t capable of such.

Also, I would have said if I heard one more thing, I would see her in court.” No_Material5630

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You happened to see her in the moment you were really upset and what happened happened. You didn’t premeditate it and storm to her front door for some big confrontation.

If you are allowed to zoning-wise, I’d consider extending your fence up a couple of feet on the side next to her property, because I’d feel better knowing she couldn’t see in, it would aggravate her, and the other neighbors would know you want nothing to do with her nonsense.

If anyone asks about it, I would say that she gossips about everyone in the neighborhood and has made up lies about you so it’s not a relationship you want to have. Personally, I wouldn’t stoke the fire by proactively telling everyone what she said about them or even making up worse stories to throw her under the bus (as others have suggested).

Then you are dropping to her level and it will impact how other neighbors see you. I’m sure they already know that she is mean-spirited anyway.” Steve0330

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – you have to sometimes set people straight, especially neighbors. My “B” came over while I was nearly collapsing from mowing (heart failure and MS) to complain about my neighbor’s yard for the umpteenth time.

I was at a breaking point and she was oblivious and I straight up told her “I don’t give a freak about my neighbor’s yard. If you have an issue, walk your butt over there and talk to her yourself instead of complaining and moaning to everyone else”….

It’s been three years of not hearing from her and it’s been great.” jimfish98

1 points - Liked by lebe
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4. AITJ For Refusing To Call My Stepmom 'Mom' And Celebrate Her On Mother's Day?

QI

“I lost my mom when I was 5 and dad remarried when I was 6. I loved my stepmom pretty quickly. She was really kind and sweet and she asked me about my mom the first time we met, when she saw I was upset about the whole situation (I felt like mom was being replaced).

We got along really well but even when I loved her and even when I was glad she was in my life, I never felt as strongly as her being my second mom.

When I was 8 my stepmom asked me if I would like to go to a Mother’s Day picnic with her.

I asked her if we could do this blended family picnic instead. She was clearly disappointed but said sure. My dad asked me why I wouldn’t do both and I told him I didn’t feel good about spending Mother’s Day at a picnic with my stepmom and not my mom.

He told me having two moms wasn’t a bad thing and I should consider how happy it would make my stepmom. Stepmom and I had a great day at the blended family picnic (which was held a week or two after the Mother’s Day one).

Sometime after that, I was asked by Dad to start calling my stepmom ‘mom’ to make her feel good. I told him I didn’t want to. He told me it would make me feel good too if I called her mom and it would make my mom feel good too.

I told him it wouldn’t and he walked off annoyed.

Over the years we had many times where I was being asked either directly or indirectly to accept my stepmom as more than my stepmom but as my second mom. My stepmom was great though and she never stopped talking about my mom or took away her photos.

I love her for that. But it’s just not the same kind of love. She would ask about Mother’s Day sometimes or offer to do these Mother’s Day celebrations my art classes threw for us and our moms but she didn’t push if I said no, which I did.

My dad was more pushy and for a couple of years we were all in therapy because he thought it was an issue.

Recently he told me I am old enough now (16) to accept that my stepmom is just as much my mom as mom is, and that she deserves to be more than stepmom after all this time.

He said it kills her that I never acknowledge her as my second mom, it upsets her that I don’t want to celebrate her on Mother’s Day and that I’m sad on Mother’s Day instead of enjoying it with her with my half-siblings.

My dad’s birthday was Saturday and we had both his and my stepmom’s sides of the family over.

My dad brought up to his MIL that he wishes we could join her and the rest of the family for their Mother’s Day weekend trip but he didn’t want Mopey (me) to depress everyone since I can’t make the day a happy one for the woman who’s been raising me for a decade.

It made me lose my temper a little and I told him he wouldn’t understand but I can’t just stop being sad that mom isn’t here and I can’t just force myself to feel the same about someone else. I told him if he really loved me like he claims he would be way more understanding and stop trying to pressure me to claim my stepmom.

He was so mad I spoke like that in front of the extended family. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Good for you. Stand your ground. If you are perfectly polite, obey, show appreciation….you are doing your job. Adults who force kids into a corner amaze me.

That is a conversation you two need to do in private. Now the entire family knows how you are being pressured. You be you! Smart girl.” 11SkiHill

Another User Comments:

“Your dad needs to read a simple parenting book on step-parents. A step-parent can, at best, be a best friend to a child, but they can NEVER replace a parent.

The moment a step-parent tries to replace a parent the child will reject them altogether. I read this in my divorce parenting class. My ex decided to remarry 3 months after our divorce anyway and all 3 of our children absolutely loathe the guy no matter how much I try to defend him.

I am flattered, don’t get me wrong, but he is ruling over there with an iron fist which is absolutely incorrect. And they are having a baby soon which will only complicate things further. You are most definitely NTJ.” Is0prene

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

Your dad was the one who brought it up first in front of his new in-laws, hoping to score points and get their support to pressure you. OP, do you still have contact with your maternal relatives? This is important to keep the bond with your mum alive.

I’m glad your stepmum is nice and you get on well with her. But I guess she’d really like more from you and is expressing this to your dad so then he’s putting increasing pressure on you. Can you ask to have a stepmum-OP weekend away together without Dad and the half-siblings being a distraction?

You can then spend quality time with her and share how important both she and your mum’s memory are to you. The love you still have for your mum doesn’t disrespect her at all, but your dad’s attitude is pushing you away from them. At 16 this is a good time to establish ground rules for an ongoing adult friendship as you prepare to move away and on with your life.

She’s your bonus mum, not a replacement mum, and if dad just pulls his head in you can see her being a full grandma to your kids in the future. She’s your key to get your dad into line.” ComparisonFlashy8522

1 points - Liked by lebe
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MadameZ 1 month ago
NTJ and stand your ground. One of the biggest problems we face as human beings is this attitude that children are the property of their parents and must always submit and comply: while parents deserve courtesy and a moderate amount of compliance with the guidance they provide when children are, well, children, they do not have the right to enforce their own opinions as facts/truth on other human beings. Your stepmother sounds like a good person and someone you have a good relationship with - as a PP said, it might be worth spending time one on one with her and making it clear that she is a bonus parent and that you like and value her for herself. It's your father who is trying to make you submit to his authority and he is the one who needs putting in his place.
1 Reply

3. AITJ For Telling My Mother That She Isn't My 'Real Family'?

QI

“My parents divorced when I (17F) was 12 because my mother was unfaithful to my dad with my now stepfather Carl.

My dad has a demanding job, and my mother used it against him during the custody procedure, so until I was 15, I could only see my dad one weekend every two weeks. It changed when my dad went to court to challenge it, and it changed to 50/50.

My dad never said anything bad about my mother to me, but my mother has tried to turn me against him and his side of the family, she has tried to get me to stay with her on my dad’s birthday or Christmas or to celebrate Father’s Day with Carl, her and her step-kids Lea (19F) Zoe (17F) and Tim (13M).

She tried to push me to have a relationship with them when we have nothing in common, always saying we are siblings instead of step-siblings. She declined invitations to parties from my friends because my step-siblings weren’t invited, and always tried to call me and Zoe twins.

She would also get mad for correcting her. I don’t have anything against my step-siblings, we are not close but we are cordial and I help Tim do his homework, but they don’t see me as a full-sister and I don’t either.

She also took us to family therapy where I basically had to listen to them for hours telling me that I should stop caring so much about my dad when I have a better family with them, and even tried to push the idea of Carl adopting me.

We stopped going to therapy after the therapist took my side.

She even forced me to take down the pictures I had of my dad and my dad’s family on the walls of my bedroom and tried to take away the plushie my dad bought for me when I was a baby.

The result is that I dislike my mother, and I am not at all close to her. I don’t talk to her about anything, she isn’t invited to any of my events or anything. I also didn’t talk to her at all about colleges.

I will be going out of the country for college because my dad has to go to France for his company, and since I am fluent in French and I always wanted to study abroad.

When my mother found out, after hearing me talk on the phone with the school, she got really mad and told me there was no way I would go, that she wanted me to stay in the state.

We argued and she told me that if I go to France, we will not see each other often and that I should stay with my ‘real family’.

I told her that she isn’t my real family, my dad is, and I called my dad to pick me up.

I am at my dad’s right now, and my step-sister called me to tell me that I am a horrible person for saying that to my mother.

My dad thinks I might have been too harsh, but he says that I don’t have to apologize if I don’t want to.

I don’t know what to do and I wonder if I am the jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You are in a classic sad story and I wish you strength and peace.

That being said, it’s actions not words that count. Your mother talks about family but she was the one being unfaithful, she’s the one bad-talking your father’s family and doing everything in her ability to cut you off from apparently a loving and considerate father.

You were put in a tough spot because of your mother, NOT you (don’t blame yourself). This is your opportunity to finally make decisions. Your father has shown you through his patience that he respects you and your decision-making. Your mother (and not surprisingly the steps) want to brainwash you.

You are not the jerk. Bonne chance.” catskilkid

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Her behavior is incredibly pushy and harmful to you. It’s crazy she would try and prevent you from having a relationship with your father whom you seem to love and care for and vice versa.

You definitely don’t have to do this but I would sit her down and tell her that while you love her her behavior makes you not want to have a relationship with her and she’s doing a lot of damage. If she doesn’t change her behavior towards you wanting a relationship with your father then you’ll have to distance yourself.” username698321

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Was it harsh? Perhaps. Was it warranted? It certainly sounds like it was. Your mother was unfaithful and attempted to alienate you from your father after a divorce she caused with her behavior and tried to force her affair partner and his children on you as your ‘real family’.

Now that you are an adult, you have no reason to put up with her behavior and she has no say in where you can and can’t go to college. Your stepsister also needs to be gently told to stay out of an argument that doesn’t concern her.

You already said you weren’t particularly close and I assume your mother played the perfect stepmom to her and pushed the idea that you were the issue, so she has a very biased view of the situation. You should make sure that you or your father have all of your important documents, though, because I wouldn’t put it past your mother to attempt to jeopardize your ability to leave the country.” asphodel2020

1 points - Liked by lebe
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MadameZ 1 month ago
Yet again, a selfish adult is trying to push their own children into accepting or playing along with their own fantasy of a perfect family. It is competely unreasonable for someone to demand love from another person just because of their relationship with a third party - yes, if you are a child and your parent remarries, you should try to treat the new spouse with courtesy and kindness and it is not entirely wrong for that new spouse to take on *some* parental responsibility if you share a house (eg making sure you are fed, keeping an eye on your homework, assigning you age-appropriate chores such as doing the dishes sometimes) - but they don't get to insist on replacing your other parent. You are entitled to a relationship with your dad, and you are old enough to make your own choices about your future. Good luck. <aybe your mother will calm down and start seeing you as an adult and an autonymous person, maybe she won't. But go ahead and make a life for yourself.
2 Reply

2. AITJ For Disturbing My Mother-In-Law's Sleep While On Call?

QI

“My mother-in-law (Jane – 59F) came to pay us a visit a couple of days ago. We couldn’t make it to their house for Christmas, and she decided to spend a few days with us to catch up.

For the context, I (34F) take calls quite often.

A day when I’m on call includes my phone ringing at a pretty late hour and me having long conversations over the phone. I often have to just get dressed and leave. So it can be pretty loud.

I don’t want to disturb my wife (Bella – 33F) or our kids (3 and 5-year-old girls) during their sleep.

We’ve got ourselves a system. So for days when I’m on call, I’ll go sleep in my reading room downstairs. (It’s basically a room with my textbooks, journals, a desk, and a bed). Our bedroom and the kids’ rooms are upstairs. This way, I don’t disturb anyone and I sometimes even catch up on some work.

For the days she was with us, Jane was staying in a guest room close to my reading room downstairs. I was on call, and I answered the phone through the night as usual. I had to leave the house at around 3 AM.

The next day when I came home, Jane was very annoyed with me and said she had heard me through the whole night, had heard me talk and pace around the room like a mad woman, and heard me get in my car.

She said she almost did not sleep at all.

Bella tried to calm her down but she was really upset and said Bella herself couldn’t take being near me which is why she banished me downstairs for these call days.

I apologized and said I was sorry.

Jane insisted she wasn’t sleeping anywhere near me during my call days ever again and called it a restless night.

I said, “I would be on call for a few more days while she was staying with us and unless she had a plan, I would be sleeping downstairs.”

I don’t wish to change the current arrangement we have mostly because Bella is exhausted as is and I want her to get as much sleep as she can. Jane said maybe I just needed to be more present and support Bella more as her wife and the mother of our children.

Was I the jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“Ok so first and foremost – you sleeping somewhere else on nights you are on call IS supporting your wife and children. Growing up, both my parents have been on call at various points during my childhood, and letting their partner (and kids in nearby rooms) sleep through an entire night by having another place to sleep like you have set up was a huge act of compassion they did for each other.

Do not worry about your standard plans being a bad thing. HOWEVER…. Your MIL is an invited guest in your home. You should not insist that SHE come up with a different plan or else you won’t change a thing. It is not her house, it’s not her routine, it’s not her job that’s on call.

Simply put: is not her responsibility to figure out a compromise – it’s yours. So, while not a jerk for the normal situation you have in your home with your family, YTJ for putting it on your guest to solve the problem you are creating.

Buy a $15 white noise machine for the guest room or your office. Have the kids sleep with your wife or in one room together as a special fun treat the remaining nights you are on call and let your MIL have a kid’s room. Take the calls outside or further away from MIL’s room.

This is a temporary issue where you can be accommodating for a few nights, it’s not like it’s for months at a time.” MizZo2

Another User Comments:

“No, you’re NTJ in this situation. You’ve established a sleeping arrangement that works for your family’s needs, especially when you’re on call and need to take late-night phone calls without disturbing your wife and kids.

Understandably, your mother-in-law was disturbed by the noise, but it’s not fair for her to demand that you change your sleeping arrangement, especially since it’s a temporary situation while she’s visiting. You’ve apologized for any inconvenience caused, but it’s important to prioritize the needs of your immediate family and maintain the existing arrangement that ensures everyone gets the rest they need. It’s about finding a balance that works for everyone, and your current arrangement seems to be the most practical solution.” ZoeZigzagyy

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. As long as you notified the MIL before she came over how it was going to be, there is no issue here. Also, this is your employment, so yes if she decides to leave or do whatever else, that’s on her.

Doing your job effectively is more important than the comfort of your guests because having guests over is optional. Having a job is not. Why can’t she find a place to sleep upstairs or preferably a hotel somewhere far away?” compiledexploit

1 points - Liked by lebe
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1. AITJ For Telling My Daughter The Consequences Of Her Wedding Date Choice?

QI

“2 years (ish) ago, my brother, my nephew, and my mother were in a car accident.

My mother passed away instantly, and my brother and nephew passed away the next day. My family was small, me, my husband, daughter, parents, brother, wife, and 2 nephews. Their loss was devastating for my life and for everyone, even worse for my father and my SIL.

1 year ago, my daughter, Betty (25F) was proposed to by her fiancé and preparations began. During this process, they chose the date based on the day they met (7 years ago ) and that day is exactly 2 years since the death of my brother and nephew. I tried to talk to her about moving the date because it is still a very difficult date for our family and even for myself, but she insisted saying that the venue had that date available and it would be perfect because all the other available dates aren’t so good and wouldn’t be so important.

I respected her decision.

Recently, she sent the invitations to everyone and, as I predicted, my SIL, my nephew (24M) and my father responded that they would not attend. Despite not telling her, my father and SIL told me that the date choice was offensive to them.

I decided to remain neutral at some point, I confirmed my presence and my husband’s.

Today my daughter called me unhappy that no one but us confirmed (my husband doesn’t have family on his side) and her family part was empty and she expected everyone to go on that date, even more so after she explained the reason to them about the date, but they still refused.

I tried to be supportive, but I said “Love, this date is difficult even for me, but I will go to your wedding, but you have to understand that this choice of date had this consequence and you would have to deal with the consequences of your choices.”

She exploded at me, saying that everyone was against her, it’s not her fault the dates coincided and everyone could make an effort to go a few hours for her, but they decided to just not go and I was basically saying “I told you so.”

She hung up without me answering and we still haven’t spoken.

My husband said he understands me, but I should have stayed away from it.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I mean, you told her exactly why this would happen and she didn’t listen. I think she was more upset in front of you than at you if that makes sense.

She’s venting. But also kinda thoughtless to think that everyone would just swallow their grief to watch her get married on a really painful anniversary.” BetweenWeebandOtaku

Another User Comments:

“NTJ this feels like a situation where you bore the brunt of her upset because you are the one who is trusted and in conversation with her.

That sucks but doesn’t mean you have done anything wrong. It probably means you have done something right, which is to talk to her about this being difficult in a way that meant she vented to you about her frustration. This is a really tough situation all around.

I can see why she wants the focus to be on this date from one angle, which is a beautiful and loving one. It’s also not realistic to define it for others, for whom it is a devastating anniversary that is going to color everything.

She can feel upset about that, and really of all the days, it is unfair of the universe that these things line up this way and always will. But it doesn’t obligate anyone else to do or change a single thing they need to do on a day that is about deep grief for them.

Reading the post, I almost wondered if at some level this is its own kind of grief reaction, depending on how close she was to your late family members? It’s almost a kind of magical wishful thinking to behave like she can redefine the meaning of this date for the people in your extended family.

Like, unless she is a consistently selfish or difficult person, this is a choice that is so strange and insistent in the face of reality that it feels a bit unhinged, which I don’t mean in a mean way. I also wonder a bit about whether grief that’s still being processed is in the mix, given the way she framed it in her call with you – that if they cared they’d make the effort and come, as though this is a referendum on love for her vs love for the people lost. It might be way off base, but I wonder if some element of her grief is comparing herself or survivor’s guilt or something that’s in the mix around what is a strange choice in the face of an awful loss in a close and small family?” Margenius

1 points - Liked by lebe
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