People Struggle To Reach An Answer To Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
14. AITJ For Refusing To Forgive My Dad For Not Buying Me A Car?
I mean, if you’re going to say you’ll do something, you need to stick to your word.
“When I (17 M) was 8, my parents bought me a piano and signed me up for lessons. I was super excited because I love music. Over time I kind of became known as the ‘piano guy’ at school.
I play at school concerts, accompany the school jazz choir, and play once a week for the residents at a couple of retirement homes in our town.
When I was 15, I started to talk about quitting lessons, and my parents quickly tried to guilt me out of it.
I told them I wanted to try other things, and that between piano and studying, I didn’t have much time left for other extracurriculars. My Dad proposed a deal. If I kept playing and taking lessons until I reached level 10 RCM (Royal Conservatory of Music), and continued to keep my grades up at school, he would buy me a new car of my choice.
I jumped at it and we shook hands on the deal.
I should explain that my family is well off financially. I have a very privileged life, but I wouldn’t say I’ve been spoiled. If I ever want a luxury item like a new phone or game console, I have to buy it myself with the money I’ve saved from summer and after-school jobs.
I should also explain that my Dad’s big on loopholes. When we compete, he always finds a way to win, and when I do it doesn’t count because of some loophole. It drives me nuts, but he thinks it’s hilarious. Whenever I complain about him not playing fair, his answer is always the same: life isn’t fair.
So, because of our deal, I kept up with my lessons. I spent about 1-2 hours a day on the piano while keeping my grades up. Last summer, I took my level 9 RCM exams and passed, fulfilling my part of the deal. I told my Dad I’d chosen the BMW X5 plug-in hybrid SUV.
A couple of months ago, on my birthday, I came downstairs for breakfast, and my Dad told me there was a surprise waiting for me in the garage. I ran out, and sitting in the middle of the floor was a 1/24 scale, toy BMW X5.
My Dad burst out laughing and said, “A deal’s a deal, so as promised here is your brand-new BMW!” My heart absolutely broke. I asked if he was being serious, and he said I couldn’t seriously have expected him to buy a 17-year-old a real brand new BMW and that we could discuss getting me a reasonably priced used car.
I said we had a deal and I fulfilled my end of it, he said he did too since I never said that the car had to be full-size and drivable. I said he wasn’t being fair. His response: life isn’t fair.
Ever since this happened, I’ve been distant from my Dad.
I honestly feel like he betrayed my trust and that he deliberately made a fool out of me. He keeps bringing up the idea of a used car, but I told him I’m not interested, which I admit is kind of petty. I have enough saved that I can buy a cheap used car myself, and I just feel like if I accept one from him now it’s like saying that breaking his promise didn’t matter and that he didn’t do anything wrong.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Unfortunately, your dad has shown you who he is: someone who is dishonest and untrustworthy.
This is particularly painful for those he should care about the most.
You have two choices, really:
You can ignore this, and him, and distance yourself from him – because he WILL keep doing this, and it will continue to hurt you.
Or you can try to have a conversation with him about it. “Dad, what you did was extremely hurtful to me. I feel like you were dishonest and lied to me. I didn’t try to weasel out of my end of the deal – I lived up to the letter and the spirit of it.
If you had concerns or a price cap, you should have said so. You could have set reasonable expectations. But you didn’t. You specifically said “the car of my choice.” What I want from you is an acknowledgment that you were wrong to act the way you did.
Maybe it was unrealistic of me to assume there was no price limit for the car but guess what – we made that deal when I was 15. You were the adult. So if it was wrong of me to not realize there was a cap then it was wrong of you to not express that as the adult.
If you can do that we can work on rebuilding our relationship.”
Good luck.” Courin
Another User Comments:
“Esh. I get he said he’d get you any car. But something that expensive as your first vehicle is irresponsible.
You’re 17. You know how many people I know under 21 that got in some kind of expensive wreck?
Some their fault, some other people’s fault, some were “acts of God” (black ice usually).
Discuss a newer used nice car. Not a 60,000 euro vehicle. That’s an obscene amount for a 17-year-old.
You are in fact spoiled for thinking you deserved that. Your dad is a jerk for doing what he did and for not setting a realistic limit on what you could get.” Fit-Establishment219
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
And for all the people saying you’re even just a little bit spoiled – let’s not forget that OP’s parents bought a piano and signed him up for those lessons. Even if he was excited, it was a forced extracurricular.
His dad pulling this manipulative move was just yet another play by his parents to manipulate OP into doing what they wanted him to do.
It doesn’t matter if the car is way too fancy for his first car. He’s made it clear his dad is a manipulative person and finds loopholes to get out of rewarding his kid’s achievements like a father should.
Even the used car suggestion is a slap in the face after completing those exams, which, for the record, include perfecting FOUR pieces from a long list of complicated works that include Chopin, Debussy, and Bach, not to mention ear tests and sight reading which are incredibly complicated unless you’re willing to put in hours of work (which OP did!).
It’s not unreasonable or spoiled to want to be rewarded for doing what his parents forced him to do. OP’s dad is a jerk.” phantomcd
13. AITJ For Asking My Step Daughter To Share Her Playstation With My Kids?
Even if she was their blood-related sibling, boundaries are important and should be respected.
“So, I (34F) got married a year ago to who we’ll call Ryan (44M).
Ryan and I were together for 2 years prior to getting married. We both knew about each other’s children. I have a pair of twins and an older child (5M/F, 8M), and he has two kids, one living with their mother (15M), and one living with us (14F) who we’ll call Anna.
Anna came to live with us because she no longer wanted to deal with her mother, I’m not entirely sure what happened there. I don’t expect her to tell me any more than that. Her father and I discussed the situation, and I do not tell her what to do or treat her as my own child.
But ever since her moving in a year ago, things haven’t been super fair to my children, nor has she been nice to them.
Most recently, she absolutely refuses to let them play anything on the PlayStation and has been doing so since last year.
Ryan bought her a PS5 for Christmas, but when setting it up, they decided that her PS4 was better and sold the PS5, so she decided to put those earnings aside and save up. Now, my children can’t use the PS5 because it’s sold, but they can’t use the PS4 because she refuses to let them after one incident.
I did confront Ryan about this, but he argued that I said he shouldn’t get them anything tech-wise, and that the ps5 wasn’t a gift for them anyway, he didn’t decide what to do with it. I accepted that argument.
Now, I’ve been asking her to be nice and let my kids have a turn on the ps4 when she’s not using it, (which she doesn’t do much, she only plays for an hour after school on Wednesdays, weekends, and whenever she has a friend over.) She said no time and time again, a few of those times her reasoning changed from, ”What if it happens again?”, to “My PlayStation’s in my room, I don’t want them in there,” to “If they really wanna play, you should buy them their own.” And while that sounds like a great solution, I don’t see the point in buying a whole new one when there is already one they can use.
So, I asked her father about it and he said that I need her permission, since it was a gift to her and her things aren’t his to have a say over.
So, after trying time and time again, I gave up. But then she and her girl went out yesterday to get coffee and buy some books.
She wasn’t here so I thought it’d be fine to let my kids play, since they couldn’t bother her since she wasn’t even in her room and my kid swore he wouldn’t do what he did last time. It was going great until 4 pm, and I heard my kids crying as well as screaming.
I went upstairs to check, and sure enough, Anna threw them out and was yelling at them. I told her to talk to them calmly then she screamed at me as well.
Nothing happened this time and nothing was broken, I personally think she overreacted, but Ryan still hasn’t talked to me and neither has Anna.
My friends agree with me though, but now I’m not so sure.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ if the Playstation is HERS then your kids have no rights to it unless SHE lets them. If the PS5 was HER gift, then she should be allowed to do what she wants, and she sold it.
(Honestly don’t blame her, I have a PS4 and no intention of getting a 5 any time soon.)
It sounds like you expect her to not be allowed to have her own personal boundaries and expect her to give your kids anything of hers to make them happy.
No wonder she’s trying to keep her distance from you acting entitled to HER things. If you want your kids to have a PS so badly, go out and buy them one YOURSELF. You let your kids into HER ROOM and act like she’s the one in the wrong for being upset with you over the crap you keep pulling.
Your husband SHOULD be on his kid’s side and I’m glad he is. You’re a jerk to her and no wonder she was upset. That’s HER ROOM and you think your kids get free rein over her things.
I hope he leaves you, as you have shown you don’t care about his daughter at all.
Also, what games are you thinking it’s appropriate for a FIVE-year-old to play in the first place if she doesn’t have any kid-friendly games? Are you even monitoring what your kids are playing? There’s a very big age gap between the kids and if she’s anything like I was, I had very violent games in my teens and definitely not something I’d let a closer to a toddler than teenage child play.” EvocativeEnigma
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
There are a plethora of reasons why it’s a bad idea to let your young children (two 5-year-olds and an 8-year-old) play with a PlayStation that doesn’t belong to them/you. And unsupervised, too.
- The PlayStation doesn’t belong to them
- The owner of the PlayStation explicitly said no
- The PlayStation is inside a private room that is off-limits for your kids
- The kids don’t have their own user accounts. They use the account of Anna, which means that they will easily overwrite save files, or they can mess up the progress Anna has made over a long time.
- depending on how Anna pays for her PlayStation games/content, there is a risk that your young kids mess around with the store and “accidentally” buy stuff via Anna’s account.
- Anna likely has/plays games that aren’t suited for 5- to 8-year-old children.
- There already were incidents before where the kids broke something.
Anna isn’t “mean” when she denies your kids her PlayStation. She has very reasonable boundaries and you went behind her back and didn’t respect her private space or her property. Stop this and buy your kids their own gaming equipment.” MaralDesa
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You have violated her privacy and trust. She told you no AND gave you valid solutions. Per your words, you did not want any tech for your kids but you’re forcing someone else to let them use theirs. You sound like an entitled mom. The fact that there is a gaming system in the house does not give them the right to use it.
The fact that you allowed them into the sacred space of a teenager’s room when according to what you have said, that teenager said no time and time again is just appalling, to say the least. The girl can’t even leave the house without being violated and you say you have no clue why she’s not with her mom I wager for the same issue of violating her privacy.
She gave you a boundary and you basically told her feelings don’t matter she doesn’t matter and you’ll just wait till she leaves the house to get what you want.
Get ready for a huge argument with your husband; he rightfully so should defend his daughter.
Just buy them a darn console what is so hard about that? Even if she never was told they were in her room the moment she turned on the gaming system she would have known. What would you have told her then? You ma’am are a flaming entitled jerk.” Glittering-Cake-7160
12. AITJ For Wanting To Be Paid For Babysitting My Daughter?
“My (39M) wife (34F) and I live in a suburban house with our daughter (10F, Emily). Our neighbor next door (48M, Walter) is a single father with two daughters (14F and 12F). We have been living here for a little more than two years.
My wife really likes watching scary movies, but I have never enjoyed them.
I get too scared and end up having a bad time, so I prefer to avoid them. Her friends sometimes go with her to the more popular ones, but she also likes older, indies and foreign horror movies. She has always had a hard time finding people that have this niche interest and that is why it was such a big deal when we met Walter and found out he also shares this interest. They very quickly started to make plans to watch movies together.
I was invited to be a part of this but refused.
I prefer to just stay at home babysitting Emily and Walter’s daughter while they are at their cinephile reunions. Sometimes they go to movie theaters but other times they just stay at Walter’s place watching stuff at his home cinema.
They usually have to go to another town in order to catch a specific function of some weird movie, so it is normal for them to come back very late.
They eventually started doing stuff outside of watching movies, like going out for dinner. Walter invited all of us, including the kids, to go with him to a restaurant that a friend of his owned, but I said no because it was too expensive.
I don’t like those kinds of places because I feel they are a waste of money and didn’t think the kids would enjoy it either. I insisted on staying with the kids and let the two of them go by themselves. This has become a regular thing and it is in a way a good deal for me because Walter pays for my wife’s dinner and she can no longer complain about me not taking her to fancy restaurants.
As both their movie and dinner nights have become so common, I have grown a little tired of the burden of constantly babysitting the girls. I talked to my wife and Walter about it and he explained that he usually does not like leaving his daughters with babysitters.
He says he is really comfortable knowing that they are being watched by an experienced father like me instead of some teenage girl. He nevertheless agreed that it was too much of a load for me and offered to start paying me a standard babysitter fee each time he goes out with my wife.
I thought that was a fair approach to the issue, but my wife was fully against it. She says I should not be paid for babysitting my own daughter nor the daughters of a close friend of our family like Walter. We have been arguing about this, but she insists on this notion, and it is not open to change.
She even gets mad every time I talk to her about this. Walter promised me that he will convince her, but he does not seem to have been able to do so either.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“You realize you’re being paid to set your wife up with her 2nd husband, right?
You are opting out of date nights with your wife because you wouldn’t enjoy a movie, and the restaurants she likes to go to are too expensive, not because you can’t afford them, but because you think it’s not worth it. You’re also getting paid to parent your own kid.
Even if she wasn’t out with Walter, you’d still be at home watching your own kid.
Stop being a lazy, uninterested husband, and check back into your marriage. Find common ground with your wife and go to the movies or a nice dinner.
Walter’s oldest is old enough to stay home alone and watch the other one, especially with a family friend as a neighbor.
YTJ for getting paid to watch your own kid, and for being checked out of your own marriage that you can’t see you’re not meeting your wife’s needs.” Reddit User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for not taking out your wife.
Your mentality is that your wife can’t complain about fancy dinners anymore?
Sometimes you gotta do things for your wife… I get not wanting to watch scary movies, but it’s a very simple idea to take her out once in a while. You know, doing something for her instead of thinking it’s a waste of time or money.
Not everything must be for your enjoyment or convenience, even if you like watching your wife go out with other people.
You wouldn’t be getting paid for “babysitting” your own kids. Why would you title the post like this? You would be getting paid to babysit your friend’s kids.
I think your wife is upset that you don’t want to do things with her.
Also, you are a parent. You are not the babysitter to your own kids.” bmdweller
Another User Comments:
“I mean. Bless your heart, you are focusing on the wrong thing here.
ESH. You’re fair to ask to be paid for watching the kids, but you’re also blatantly ignoring that your wife is seeing another man because you refuse to do it yourself. Honestly, the real answer here is to find a babysitter and take your wife out.
I get not wanting to see horror movies if you aren’t into it, but dude, you can suck it up to take your wife out to eat or to spend time on some other hobby you both enjoy. Right now her movie friend is very rapidly turning into a movie affair partner.” EthanEpiale
11. AITJ For Going Off On My Pregnant Fiancee Over My Missing Dog?
“My fiancee (28f) is currently 5 months pregnant and has been both fatigued and nauseous lately. I get why she didn’t want to help me look for the dog but I can’t get over the lack of empathy and bordering selfish behavior of this either.
My dog (6yo Heeler/Corgi mix) runs off at least once a week. Usually, my fiancee will help me find her but it’s not without protest. I honestly didn’t even know how she was getting out of our fenced yard so I installed cameras and found that she was scaling the 8ft fence.
I ended up attaching “spinners” to the top of the fence thinking that would solve the issue but it didn’t. I brought her out today and was playing with her when my phone rang. I was inside just long enough to grab my phone and my dog had gotten out.
I immediately went in search for her, thinking she couldn’t have gotten far but I couldn’t find her anywhere so I went back to the house and asked my fiancee, who was curled up on the sofa, to come help me. She immediately said no. She said she was tired of chasing the dog, that she isn’t dealing with it anymore and that I should have been out there watching her.
I explained to her that I had been watching her and simply stepped away for point two seconds to grab my phone just inside the sliding door and she had escaped. She again said it wasn’t her problem and she’s not exhausting herself anymore to search for my dog.
I won’t even say it was unexpected because as I said, in the past she has always had a problem with helping me search but she’s never said no. She just complained about it.
At first I went and searched myself. After maybe a half hour I came back and asked her again to come help me and she snapped “I said no!
I am so tired of chasing that dog around multiple times a week when I’m already exhausted and throwing up constantly.” I was panicked and unleashed some yelling, which involved me telling her she was a witch who lacked empathy and that I was thoroughly disappointed with my decision to be with someone so heartless.
It was out of pure fear and panic on my part and I did apologize later, after I found my dog, but she said “Go screw yourself” and won’t talk to me.
AITJ? Everyone is on my side except my sister, who says I’m a “freaking jerk” because it’s not my pregnant fiancee’s responsibility to “chase around your freaking mutt” and said she would have left immediately if her partner ever said what I did to her.”
Another User Comments:
“Massive YTJ. YOU are responsible for keeping your dog confined.
I have a neighbor like you – their dog gets out 2-3 times a week because they refuse to supervise. The whole neighborhood used to help look for it, and we all got sick of it.
Everyone stopped helping, animal control picked up the dog a few times so they had to pay a fee, and magically they figured out how to keep the dog from escaping.
Also know that it is very likely your dog will be struck and killed by a vehicle.
The fact that you do nothing to stop this is alarming and shows an extreme lack of care for your dog.
I’d also be terrified that you’ll do the same with your child. I had another neighbor who wouldn’t supervise their toddler and more than once people found the child outside PLAYING IN THE STREET.
Finally, we all started calling CPS on them.” Worldly-Ad-7207
Another User Comments:
“HOLY YIKES, yes, YTJ.
First off, she’s absolutely right— if you know the dog has a tendency to run, it is up to you to be more careful to not create situations where the dog can run.
You’re endangering your dog. It sounds like you have made attempts to keep the dog in, which is great, but if the dog is still getting out once a week, you need to try harder. It’s unfair to your fiancée and your neighbors who might end up with unwanted dog waste or trampled plants on their property, and again, is dangerous for the dog.
The dog shouldn’t be left in the yard alone if the dog gets out that frequently. Many dogs get out occasionally but if it’s more than once a month or two the dog really needs supervision and that’s your responsibility. Think of it as practice for your baby.
You’re about to have a kid and if you turn your back on a young child for even a very short amount of time in a scenario where you know your child is around something that has been potentially dangerous in the past, your child could seriously harm themselves.
Like, if your child keeps trying to touch the stovetop, you can’t go answer the phone while the child is in the kitchen when the stove is on. If your kid gets severely burnt “I was only gone for a second” is not good enough.
On top of that, your fiancée is at the stage where physical activity gets much harder. She shouldn’t be running after a dog. Many people develop sciatica around 5-6 months. At 5 months, I couldn’t even take the trash out. Your fiancée had every right to refuse and you were very hurtful toward her at a time when she deserves compassion and respect for her boundaries.
It also sounds like you don’t really understand enough about the toll pregnancy takes on the body, and as the partner of a pregnant person, you should really take the time to read up and be informed.” VariegatedPlumage
Another User Comments:
“You are really on the top of the heap of jerks with this.
If you described a situation in which your dog rarely escaped . . . maybe five or six times a year . . . I think I could somewhat see your side of this, but you have described a situation where this happens weekly and from the sound of it, at least several times a week.
You complain about your fiancée’s lack of empathy, but where is yours? I see very little to any coming from you. She is carrying around a human being that is developing within her, exhausting all of her bodily resources, stretching and pushing her body to its limits, and you treat that as if it’s as easy as walking on a treadmill for 20 minutes.
She is having to consume many more calories to support the baby’s growth, and you are wanting her, instead, to go expend that chasing a dog.
The fact that you called the mother of your child a witch when she is exhausted and throwing up makes me wonder whether you really truly understand what empathy means, or if your definition of the term means that it is applicable to everyone in your life except yourself.
You are quickly approaching a point in time where you are going to have to make some decisions. A dog that will scale an 8-foot fence with, spinners, etc. is not a dog that wants to be contained. Is this an issue you want to deal with for the rest of the dog’s life?
With a growing family do you even have the time to do that, or will the dog issues suck valuable time away from your child? This is the time for priorities, and what is best for all involved, even the dog. It is not the time to be selfish and think of your own needs only.
Perhaps, the dog needs to go live in an environment where it can be happy to be free . . . out in the country . . . and I’m not talking about taking it to the “proverbial farm,” but seriously considering whether a different environment is better for the dog.” anitarielleliphe
10. AITJ For Bringing Up My Marriage Drama To My Mom?
Sometimes you just can’t help but to spill the beans.
“I (26f) recently moved into my first home. I am also 4 months pregnant with our first baby.
The pregnancy has been very hard. I have horrible morning sickness. It reached a really bad point where I passed out and hit my head and my Dr admitted me to the hospital for a week.
When I got home my husband allowed his brother’s family to move into 2 of our 3 bedrooms. (They were evicted; I don’t know why). One room was my office. They tossed into our room papers everywhere. The house was a complete wreck. Trash, dirty clothes, used diapers.
I started to cry. It was like a light flipped my husband was no longer the same. My husband told me it “wasn’t that bad.” My reply was, “Fine, then you should have the house cleaned up before I wake up.” Completely exhausted I fell asleep for 4 hours.
I woke up and went to get a drink of water. I couldn’t – every glass we own is scattered around the house. They didn’t clean a single thing. I passive-aggressively started to pick up the dirty dishes and washed them.
The following morning. I was trying my best to work when their kids were crying nonstop.
Banging on the walls and so on. Their mom was in her room for hours ignoring them.
When my husband came home. He was upset with me over how I didn’t make his brother’s wife feel welcome in our home. By helping with their kids when she was tired. Then continued to complain about how nothing was done while he was at work all day in the house.
Yep, the same one he didn’t clean.
That led to a fight where I told him. “I am too sick to have company and they need to leave.” To which he replied they are his family and he won’t kick them out. I started to cry again.
I was beyond frustrated, exhausted, I physically couldn’t do it anymore. I called my mom asking if I could come to stay with her. Telling her the whole story in front of my husband. Who at this point was completely shocked and angry, also I could tell he wasn’t sure what to do.
My mom came with my brothers (I have 3 older brothers). My mom super angry told my husband. “Since your family can stay so can we.” My mom quickly took charge. I was sent to bed. My brothers started cleaning complaining loudly at how disgusting my BIL’s family is.
Along with what a horrible husband my husband is for putting me through this while I am sick.
I got a text message from my MIL calling me a jerk for not helping my husband clean up the house and putting my BIL in an uncomfortable position by having my mom boss him around.”
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ. You had every reason to be exhausted physically and mentally. You asked your husband to literally clean up his mess several times, he didn’t do anything and tried to play victim. You did the right thing by calling for help – you had no reason to clean up for people who trashed your home.
Your mom decided to call in the muscles and to care for you, and she was right.
I’m not sure counseling will help at this point. Your husband showed no respect for you. I agree with other users: prepare for divorce. This man is bad for you and for your health.
The best thing you can do for now is to take care of yourself – and you already did that by calling your mom and asking for advice here.” Booky_Cat
Another User Comments:
“You, OP, are NTJ for calling your mom. Your husband is a massive gaping crusty jerk with hemorrhoids.
Your in-laws are just a step or two under your husband. Your mom and brothers, who everyone seems so concerned about, made a choice in support of you. You didn’t call and ask her to rally the troops and show up at the house (did you?), so her decision to do this should not be put back on you.
I, for one, think it was an incredible move on her part.
For what it’s worth, I also had an emotionally difficult and unsupportive pregnancy. My mom lived on the other side of the country. I went to visit for a holiday and within 48 hours, my daughter was born – 6 weeks early, but otherwise incredibly healthy.
We live in her area now and she has been so supportive through our custody case and helping with my daughter.
Take care of yourself at all costs, because you have to be safe and healthy for that baby to be safe and healthy. Wishing you the best.” my_old_aim_name
Another User Comments:
“I want your mom to adopt me. I’ll be a cool stepsis, I SWEAR! Your mom sounds like an awesome problem-solver.
NTJ. Your husband tho – wow. Talk about kicking someone when they’re down. Darn – she’s sick, she’s pregnant with my baby, she just got out of the hospital – this seems like a good time to have rude, boorish houseguests for her to cook for and clean up after.
Seriously, what? This was his time to show you that he’s got your back, he’s your support system. What does he do? Exactly the opposite of that. He increases your workload and decreases your comfort.
That guy, if he doesn’t do a major apology and change of behavior – you’ll be a lot better off without him.
Do you really want to sign on for a whole family of babies to feed and clean up after? I think just the one baby will be plenty.” redheadjd
9. AITJ For Being Offended By My Sister's Tattoo Idea?
On one hand, it’s her body and ultimately her decision. On the other hand, the tattoo doesn’t exactly paint a positive picture for some of her family members.
“Sis is 28; I’m 26M.
My sis N has always had a strained relationship with our parents, especially my mom. I am clearly not privy to the reasons because things are fine with me and my parents. When N went to college she met her creative writing professor as a freshman and they got close immediately.
They would do a lot together and worked closely on a few different writing projects. N never specifically said this, but it was obvious to anyone who saw them interact that they had a substitute mother/daughter type relationship. Which hurt my mom a lot to see.
I always thought she’d grow out of it or that the prof would move on but ten years later they were still very close.
About a month ago the prof died unexpectedly and it devastated N. She was really depressed over the holidays which of course was all in front of my mom and was a difficult reminder that N loved the prof as a mother way more than she ever loved my mom as a mother.
She still talks to my parents and stuff and they don’t fight or anything but N is very distant and doesn’t tell them anything about her life beyond the bare minimum. My mom tried to comfort N but N was doing her distant thing and didn’t want comfort.
Something unfortunate that happened to N is that when she got the call that she died, she was brewing tea, and in the shock of the news, she spilled boiling water on her arm which burned her kinda badly on her wrist. I think the burn was like on the borderline of 2nd and 3rd degree, and definitely still looked pretty rough during the holidays.
N said it was especially hard because in addition to the physical pain, every time she looks at it she is reminded of the moment she found out the prof died. Which I totally get.
I was on Facetime with N and she said she talked to her tattoo artist friend who said that the burn should be able to heal well enough to get a tattoo over it.
N then excitedly told me about her idea which is a type of flower that the prof gave her a bouquet of for her undergrad graduation. My mom was so embarrassed that day because she didn’t get N flowers but the prof did and N was parading them around so happy and it was a reminder of their connection.
I guess N and the prof exchanged these flowers for every special occasion like birthdays etc.
So now she wants to get a decent-sized tattoo in a highly visible spot of something that will remind everyone of the prof. I told N that this seemed really cruel to my mom who already feels cast aside and like she’s in exile from N.
And that’s without the constant permanent reminder. N kind of scoffed and said “I can’t believe you think you have the right to tell me not to do this,” called me a jerk and hung up and is still not talking to me except for a very brief text saying congrats for a promotion I just got.
My parents aren’t commenting. My dad said I should have just kept quiet even though he agrees and my mom made no comment but seemed grateful I stood up for her. I feel like I was just being protective of my mom. But AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
That’s a beautiful and heartwarming idea for a tattoo. I have friends who have tattoos in honor of teachers they had in school, and it’s not that uncommon (where I am at least) to have students connect with teachers/professors in a parental/adult figure way in their lives.
If she was distant from her actual mother, that most likely means your guys’ mother did something(s) that made her resent her mother. Don’t know what that may be, but it unfortunately happens quite often. The professor sounded like a wonderful teacher, connecting with students who needed an adult figure in their life.
I’m sure she inspired other students and not just your sister.
You’re a massive jerk for trying to push your sister into getting along with her mother and saying her grief is not valid. Whether you meant to or not, that’s a slap in the face for your sister’s feelings and grief.” KingPiscesFish
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and your mom is too. People are allowed to have close relationships outside of the family regardless of what the family dynamic is. You are premeditating reasons to be upset and probably getting in your mom’s ear with the same pot stirring.
Why don’t you go get a tattoo to honor your mom if it’s that important?
Remove your family from this for a moment. Someone that meant a great deal to your sister died unexpectedly. To compound that she has a reminder with negative associations that she sees multiple times a day.
She wants to take that and turn it into something that helps comfort her and honor that relationship. That’s beautiful. It doesn’t mean anything more than that.
For heaven’s sake, I have a tattoo on my forearm in memory of my cats, it’s bigger and more visible than the one I got for my grandma.
It doesn’t mean I loved them more than her, nor would it occur to me to even draw comparisons. You’re really really weird for getting upset about any of this.
Furthermore, you said you don’t know why Sis and Mom aren’t close because essentially it isn’t your business.
It sounds more like you’re choosing to not acknowledge why, but are struggling to mind your darn business over something that doesn’t concern you at all. Apologize to your sister and leave her alone to be supported by people who aren’t centering themselves on her grief.” StayCee35
Another User Comments:
“YTJ massively.
So, for reasons you do not know your mom and sister have a strained relationship. You have no idea why this is but honestly, as your sister was a child when it began it’s likely something your mother did.
Your sister was fortunate enough to have another role model in her life that loved and supported her. This person is not her mom, but a woman who filled the role your mother left wide open.
Your sister suffered a horrible loss AND a physical injury at the same time.
She came up with a very lovely tattoo idea to cover her BURN SCAR and honor her loved one that passed.
And you can only think of your mom, who is almost certainly not innocent in the strained relationship in the first place??? Maybe if she didn’t want to be replaced as a mother figure, she should have been a better mom to her daughter.
Or get over her insecurity and accept that her daughter could have two women love her? More love for your kids is not a bad thing.
This was 1) cruel of you to say to your sister and 2) none of your freaking business.
YTJ. YTJ. YTJ.” gcot802
8. AITJ For Going Ballistic Over Riding In A Self-Driving Car?
“I spent last night with my partner’s family, we’d gone out to dinner and his dad was gonna drive.
So my partner, me, his parents, and his brother all squeezed into his dad’s car and we went to the restaurant. I had a few drinks and his dad had two since he was gonna drive.
But on the way back his dad started asking me “you work on self-driving cars, yeah?” (I do, I’m a systems engineer and have job hopped between a handful of autonomy companies.)
He started asking me how I liked his Tesla and I joked “just fine as long as you’re the one driving it!” And he asked me what I thought about FSD which he’d just bought.
He asked if he should turn it on. I said “not with me in the car” and he then laughed and asked how I was still so scared when I work with this stuff every day.
I was like “Uhh it’s because I…” But stopped when he pulled over and literally started turning it on.
I was like “I’m not kidding, let me out of the car if you’re gonna do this” and my partner’s dad and brother started laughing at me, and my man still wasn’t saying anything.
His dad was like “It’ll be fine” and I reached over my partner’s little brother and tried the door handle which was locked. I was getting mad, and probably more so because I was tipsy, and I yelled at him “Let me the heck out.”
My partner started trying to tell me to calm down because I was intoxicated, and I told him that it didn’t freaking matter, I’d be outta here sober or intoxicated. He told me to stop cussing in front of his little brother, and I told him to tell his dad to cut his crap out and I wouldn’t have anything to cuss over.
His dad was like “Fine, I didn’t realize it’d be suuuch a big deal” and drove home normally, but things have been tense as heck.
We got back to his house and he was mad at me for “overreacting” the first time I met his family all together.
I got angry and was like “I’m not the one who decided to do the ONE THING that I said I’m not comfortable with in the car, just after I asked him not to, to laugh at me.”
He said that his dad used the car a lot, and it was fine, and I asked him (since we’re both rock climbers) would he ever get on a route with his carabiner that doesn’t lock?
What if someone says they do it all the time and it’s fine? He was like “absolutely not, but that’s different” and I was like “it’s literally not, just like we don’t know any climbers who’d do that crap, nobody in my field that I know would stay in that car.”
He got mad and told me to go to sleep, I was intoxicated. But honestly today I woke up sober and I stand by what I did, like I wasn’t comfortable with what was happening and my partner’s family all laughed and started trying to do the one freaking thing I said no to?
Like whatever that thing is, it’s screwed up.
AITJ for yelling at my partner’s dad to let me out of the car?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, let’s see, you set a boundary you gave them clear options for dealing with it. “Drive home without me, or drive normally.” Their response was “Nah, screw it, let’s argue and refuse to let you out of a car that you just said to let you out of.” Hmm, what do we call it when someone is forcibly held in a contained space while demanding not to be?
Oh yes, kidnapping and illegal imprisonment. Which apparently your man feels are acceptable actions. Admittedly this likely wouldn’t be escalated to a court and accomplish anything but it seems worth keeping in mind that your significant other will forcibly restrict you from leaving somewhere if he feels like it.
Don’t believe me, let’s take a look at a parallel. If your partner invited you to a friend gathering and someone there was acting creepy, and your man just laughed because “that’s just how they are” and you decided to leave and he physically stood in front of the door arguing with you that you needed to stay and just accept it, would you be asking if you were the jerk when you started yelling for him to get out of the way?
If not, what’s the difference here? Because I don’t see a lot. Your man has put you with someone acting in a way you judge unsafe, arguing with you to stay and preventing you from removing yourself from a dangerous situation.” StrykerC13
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My last job was primarily auto safety research with a focus on AVs and EVs. I absolutely would not trust current AV technology and (presuming you’re in the US) given how crappy US infrastructure is, I’m not sure this country will ever be ready for AVs.
There have already been deadly AV accidents. Also, given the number of horrific NHTSA accident reports I’ve read of Tesla crashes (with and without autopilot) I’m pretty sure I never want to ride in or drive one. In my somewhat knowledgeable opinion, they’re just not safe cars.
You’re an AV expert and you know this technology is still not safe. There was nothing wrong or jerky about immediately wanting out of a dangerous vehicle even if you have to yell to get the heck out. They were threatening your safety and your reaction was absolutely valid.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
So, I used to be an elementary school teacher, and it was not uncommon that I would have to cover the difference between jokes and cruelty.
Jokes are foreseeably funny and enjoyable for all people involved. If they’re not, it’s just being cruel at the expense of the person not enjoying themself.
This distinction was clear enough for 8-year-olds so it should be clear enough for your partner and his Dad to understand. Doing something someone has explicitly said they are not comfortable with is not something you can foresee a person enjoying, so it’s not a joke.
It’s just being cruel at their expense.
It’s also not hard to respect someone’s bodily autonomy. Not doing something with or to another person’s body that they have said they don’t want is incredibly easy. They didn’t do that because he “knew better.” If that wasn’t disgustingly condescending enough, you are a trained expert in this exact topic.
Nothing about his Dad makes him more prepared to make this choice, much less for you.
You said no. It’s reasonable to be upset that someone tried to violate that reasonable boundary. It’s reasonable to be insulted that they did so by disrespecting your professional expertise.” KT_mama
7. AITJ For Giving A Better Christmas Present To My Daughter Than My Son?
The daughter’s circumstance is understandable, but the issue here is that she spent way more on the daughter during a holiday where everyone expects to receive gifts.
“Our son is 22 and our daughter is 26. She bought a house in July. We know that moving into a new home always comes with unexpected costs, right after you’ve probably depleted most of your funds.
So, for Christmas, we gave her $4,000. Our son we gave a few different gifts totaling somewhere around $800.
Our daughter had to work Christmas, but we did Christmas on the 26th and she stayed with us for the holidays from then until yesterday. Our son still lives with us, and today he told us both that he didn’t want to say anything while his sister was here, but his feelings were hurt by the disparity in the value of the gifts.
We explained that the gifts we got him were tailored to his interests, but his sister has just passed a big life milestone where finances are more important to her right now than sentiment. He said it’s still hurtful because it feels like we are more proud of her than him.
My wife got really frustrated when he said that and asked why he would choose the least charitable interpretation of our actions. He said that’s just how he felt and he couldn’t control it. I said that we didn’t give her more because we were more proud, but because we had experience being new homeowners and knowing that something always breaks in that first six months and it’s always expensive.
He said that was all fine and good, but it still hurt to get a worse present and feel like an afterthought.
My wife asked if he expected us to get him four thousand dollars worth of gifts. He said no, but he expected the gifts between him and his sister to be equal. My wife said that’s the same thing, and my son said it isn’t.
He said we could have given her the monetary equivalent of what we gave him. I told him that it isn’t really fair for him to decide how much we spend on someone else’s gift. Furthermore, money is less personal than gifts, so giving her funds equivalent to what he got would be her getting the “worse” gift.
He said we weren’t listening to him, just justifying. My wife said we didn’t need to justify anything, and he was being entitled. At that point, he said he didn’t want to talk unless everyone was civil and he went to his room. He skipped lunch (breakfast for him) today, and when he left for work he didn’t say goodbye even though I was right by the door.
My wife is irritated, and my son is clearly resenting us. I can’t really decide if we’re in the wrong here. On the one hand, we should be able to give our money to whoever we want. On the other, I never want to hurt my son’s feelings.
Were we wrong?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for doing this at Xmas.
I am the youngest of 4 siblings, my oldest sister is 10 years older than me, so we definitely reached milestones at different times. Things like wedding finances, housewarming gifts, and graduation gifts obviously came at different times for each of us and were not tied to group holidays like Xmas.
You could have given your daughter an $800 check or gift for Xmas and $3,200 for closing on the house at a different time/setting. Then you could tell your son “We will be so excited to give you a similar gift to help out when you buy your first home!” Instead, now it is a very disproportional Xmas gift, which is sure to raise some jealousy.
My judgment is very light and you seem like very generous parents who want to help both of your kids get ahead in life. I definitely don’t think you “owe” your son more now than an explanation and an apology for timing and reaction to his concerns.
In the future, I would just keep shared gift opening times “in kind” for both kids and stick to milestone gifts timed with the milestone.” idprefernotto92
Another User Comments:
“I don’t think either of you is the jerk, but I do think there are issues all around.
I think the crux of the problem is that you chose to do this at Christmas. If you had waited a month and gifted your daughter the funds as a housewarming gift then there wouldn’t be a need for him to draw a comparison. It would be assumed that when your son eventually got to that place in his life, you’d also return the gesture his way.
As the youngest kid in my family who typically also feels like an afterthought — this is usually not about the gift, this is probably deeper than this one moment, but he is choosing this moment where it’s obvious to point it out to you.
Perhaps let him open up a larger conversation about whether he feels this way more often than just right now.
To be fair to you – your son is significantly younger and there’s ample time for you to make the same gesture when he crosses this milestone, and he could stand to keep that in mind.” Budge1025
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. It’s very clear why he feels hurt – that’s a $3200 difference. And yes – it’s for the house, that’s wonderful you can help out your kids in this way. However, I agree with your son that you and your wife’s responses were very much just trying to justify the difference and not actually listening to how he’s feeling.
I don’t think you should have included it as her Christmas gift because that’s where the comparison came in. You could have gotten her personal gifts totaling to the same amount as your son’s and gifted her the remaining funds privately. And if that information got to him, you should be able to reassure him that you’ll provide the same kind of assistance when he’s buying a house himself.
Also, the “skipped lunch (breakfast for him)” is not as sly as you think. That very much shows how you feel about him living in your home still. You’re speaking about him like a child but expecting him to act like an adult.” nightgalelifeguard
6. AITJ For Making My Pregnant Wife Feel Less Than?
“This all boils down to my wife’s father. I have a six-year-old son that started living with me as his primary guardian when he was three and his mom went back to school.
I met my wife through work, and I also met her father, who worked at the same company in a higher role than both of us. My wife knew I had a son, but I said I wouldn’t introduce them unless we became a serious couple, because that wouldn’t be fair to him.
When my wife did meet my son, they got along really well. I invited her and her father over for dinner one night, and her father met my son for the first time. He was weird and awkward around my son and made strange comments about his appearance (his mom is black).
I confronted him after the dinner, and he made some pretty pathetic excuses. After that, I asked him to not contact me outside of work matters and asked her for space.
A couple of weeks later, my wife told me she had completely cut her father off for his beliefs.
Our relationship became stronger than ever. When we got engaged she said she didn’t want her father at the wedding. We ended up both transferring to other companies. As far as I knew he was gone from both of our lives for good.
My wife is pregnant and due in a month.
She has already started maternity leave and has been looking for a new job to start after maternity leave because she doesn’t want to stay at her current company. Yesterday she sat me down and told me her dad got her an interview for a job at our old company.
She also told me she has been talking to him for a couple of months and wants to know how I would feel about him knowing our future child.
I told her the truth. I told her I felt betrayed and I felt like she betrayed my son, who she claimed to think of as her son as well.
I told her that the fact she would even ask me that makes her less of a person in my eyes. She started crying and asked me what kind of insensitive jerk would call the woman pregnant with his kid less of a person. I told her that was how I felt, and although the language was harsh, I felt it matched what she was asking for.
After cooling off, I’m now unsure if my word choice was warranted and wondering if I was a jerk for speaking to her that way while she is pregnant and more emotionally vulnerable. I could have just said I wasn’t okay with what she was proposing without insulting her character.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As the saying goes, if there’s a racist at the table with ten other people, you have eleven racists. Your father-in-law has shown he’s a racist. Even your wife knows that her dad is a racist as she had cut him off.
Your father-in-law has not made any demonstration of repentance; yet your wife wants to invite that toxic presence into your home where it can poison your eldest child. What did she expect you to do and say?
You’re right that your words were harsh. But harsh was appropriate.
It takes a lesser person to want to invite toxicity into the home, and that’s what your wife did. She is the one who needs to apologize for even the suggestion of her father coming back into your personal lives. That she’s pregnant is not an excuse for the extreme breach of trust she committed.” He_Who_Is_Right_
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
YTJ for the words you used. Like you said, you could’ve used better wording.
Now, you are valid in feeling some type of way for her speaking to him again and bringing him back into your lives, but one, she needed help getting a job & idk about your financial situation but sometimes you have to ask people you may not even like in order to get help, and two, maybe once she spoke to him, she saw that he was willing to learn from previous mistakes.
You had the right to cut him off & so did she, but maybe she is more forgiving than you (and then it sounds like you both have different standards for this type of conflict and that needs to be addressed), or maybe she sees that there is a teachable opportunity for her father to improve & be able to come back into your lives.
However, she’s the jerk because I do think that she should’ve mentioned this when they were contacting each other, instead of months later. She was probably concerned about your reaction, but that’s even more reason to mention it. I do know some people suck at confrontation so I’d give that leeway because I don’t know her, BUT from what you said, she doesn’t seem non-confrontational, so I would be unhappy about her not discussing back when it started.
As someone who’s experienced racism & prejudice, and has also sadly heard some prejudices from my own family & friends, some will not stop, they will be stuck in their taught prejudices forever, and then it’s your choice whether you want them in your life or keep calling them out.
But there are others that are not unkind, and they aren’t stuck forever but need a wake-up call or a moment of realization that they need to unlearn these prejudices taught from their elders & peers – and they do unlearn and improve over time.
I’m not sure where her father is, but I’ve seen both, so maybe she thinks her father is under the second umbrella.
I would apologize for the wording – she’s carrying your child & she is MORE than a person, she is YOUR person carrying one of YOUR babies.
Then I’d bring up that it is unfair & concerning that she didn’t have a discussion with you back when they first started contact, especially because of how adamant you feel about NC. Then I’d discuss with her about what she thinks has changed, whether she really does think that her father would treat both children differently, and whether he’s learned. I’d also ask to have a discussion with him & see what he says.
Good luck OP!” di_caro2811
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, like your wife I have had to cut out close family for being racist because my husband is Hispanic and I realized pretty quickly I was blind to how hateful (or “well-meaning but misguided” as my parents say) they were.
It was hard, and it is hard. They were my support system growing up, I had a great view of them prior, and it shrunk my circle significantly.
It has actually made me bitter at holidays because I get so much pressure to show up because “they love me.” Every few years, I cave and consider showing up.
I talk to my husband, sometimes he talks me out of it, sometimes he supports it but asks to not go himself.
When I do go, I regret it. Every time. They don’t change, they won’t change, they also definitely resent me to some extent for abandoning them.
Like I get bad cheap generic Christmas gifts and they say “Sorry, I tried but I don’t really know you these days” as they hand me the wrapped stuff I feel guilty for receiving either way.
I get her feelings, but I don’t get her hiding her actions.
I tell my husband how I feel and what I’m thinking of doing every time. And even if it’s hard, he’s never the jerk for asking me to not choose to spend time around hateful people. I always go in hoping I can change them rather than simply be tolerant.
But either I try and fail and my peace is destroyed for a long time, or I see that it’s futile and choke down the evening. In the end, he is protecting me from feeling like crap for months for hoping things can change or from feeling like crap for months because I tolerated racism despite my values.
Plus, it’s a relationship and the street goes both ways. I should be protecting him from hate too where I’m able to.” capriciously_me
5. AITJ For Kicking Out My Mother-In-Law Over What She Fed My Child?
“My husband and I have a daughter Susie (10F) and she HATES mushrooms. The taste, texture, and smell of them she cannot stand. She’s not a picky eater by any means but just doesn’t like mushrooms.
My mil lives with us and helps us by watching my daughter when she gets home from school.
She makes dinner for the nights we’re working late for our daughter, as MIL loves to cook so she ensured us that it would be no trouble for her to make our daughter dinner most nights. My husband and I both work in the medical field, so we have crazy unpredictable schedules and are not home most nights to make dinner.
Last night my husband and I both had the night off work and were making dinner together, mil went out for dinner with friends, and Susie came to us crying saying how she is sick and tired of being starved most nights and if we can please make her dinners instead of MIL.
It’s very public knowledge that Susie doesn’t like mushrooms, but yet for the past few weeks, every SINGLE dish that my mil has made for Susie has had the main component of mushrooms in it. Portobello mushroom burgers, mushroom risotto, mushroom pasta, etc. These dishes aren’t made when either myself or my husband are around, but when we aren’t that’s all Susie is served to eat.
She told us that if she politely refuses to eat these dishes, my mil will tell her to “suit herself but she’s not getting any other food the rest of the night” and that she “has to outgrow this stupid mushroom hatred”. Both my husband and I were extremely upset that our child is going to bed hungry every night due to my mil only making her dinners with the ONE ingredient she doesn’t like and not allowing her to eat anything else.
When MIL got home we confronted her about this. She started going off saying that Susie needs to grow up and get over this stupid hatred of mushrooms. I told her that she was essentially starving her granddaughter. She disagreed and said it’s tough love.
She then proceeded to call me a crappy mother for prioritizing my career over my child and not helping her get over this dislike towards a vegetable. I told her to get out of my house because she will not disrespect me like that. She ended up leaving but had some nasty things to say to me on the way out.
My husband is 100% on my side and feels that his mother is out of line. We’ve been getting nonstop messages from my 2 SILs and my MIL calling us every name in the book for kicking her out and that my daughter needs to get over herself.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
People with very “normal” palettes have a few things they don’t like. I have friends who are very adventurous eaters who don’t like certain things – cilantro, avocados, etc.
There is no reason to force your daughter to eat mushrooms. It does almost feel like your MIL is delighting in punishing your daughter, it sounds icky, but it’s like she just wants to demonstrate her ultimate power in controlling this child.
Like, why else does any reasonable human care if a kid doesn’t eat ONE kind of thing?
Oh and then she went ahead and called you a crappy mom. I don’t know how you recover from that. How do you let someone care for your child who would say you were a bad mom, won’t follow your rules or what you say as parents, and now you can’t really trust their judgment to take care of your kid.
Your life is gonna be hard for a few weeks without her there to take care of your child, but trust it is the best decision.” mfruitfly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your MIL wasn’t respecting the two of you as parents. As a grandmother, she isn’t entitled to ‘my way or the highway’ behavior.
This isn’t her house, and this isn’t her child. She moved in with the understanding she was to be childcare to your daughter in exchange for room and board. What she did was neglect the child she was meant to care for.
If she were an outside nanny who was hired and refused to accommodate the child’s needs or simple requests, forced her to do all the things she wasn’t comfortable with/afraid of, and tried forcing her to eat things she hated, she would be seen as cruel, and be fired, and no one would have an issue with that.
If she’d been a reasonable human being who accepted this wasn’t their child to parent, and only to take care of in the way you as her parents see fit, the outcome would have likely been even different. But instead, your MIL acted entitled and thought she somehow overruled you.
In your home.
It sounds like your husband’s family is full of toxic human beings, to say a child has to get over something they don’t like just because they’re a child. They don’t respect her as a human being with her own personality, likes, and dislikes, and they don’t respect you as parents, or respect that it’s your house and your rules.” Oliviarose85
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Honestly, if you’re feeling petty, you could have people round for dinner and serve food that you know they are avoiding (avoid allergies and intolerances of course). But if grown adults sit there and complain or don’t eat the food you can then ask if they won’t eat the food, how is it they think it’s okay to force a child to eat a food they hate?
Forcing her to eat a food she clearly hates is going to mess with food trust (probably already has thanks to grandma forcing hunger over it) and could lead to other aversions if mushroom is snuck in anywhere (another likely tactic). When hatred of food branches into smell, taste, and texture it’s best to only add it if 1) the person eating it wants to get over their aversion 2) It’s done in an agreed upon way (ie hidden if the person wants to try it that way, or cooked but separated out from the rest of the dish, etc) not because there is nothing else to eat.” fithorseana
4. AITJ For Thinking My Brother Is Too Attached To His Wife?
“My (26M) brother (28) and his wife (28) have been together since they were 18, they are each other’s only serious relationship, and granted they clearly love and are in love with each other madly. However, in the past two years, my brother has been a constant revolving door of worry for his wife.
I understand that she battled cancer for almost a year and I’m sure his worry stems from him being afraid of having to be faced with that again. But it affects his social life. He always denies coming to hang out with me and his friends because she says that he would rather be home with his wife.
I get it, I do. He is scarred, but even his wife tells him that it’s okay to not worry all the time, but the dude is literally always wanting to know if his wife is okay.
He canceled last weekend on the trip that he and some of our friends were supposed to be taking and when I told him that he was doing too much regarding constantly wanting to worry about his wife, he and I got into an argument where he told me to never bring up the status of him and his wife’s relationship again and now we haven’t spoken in 2 days.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. The man nearly lost his wife. This isn’t something you just bounce back from. He wants to be with his wife all the time because he realizes now just how precious time is and would rather spend it with someone he truly loves.
As his brother, you need to be more understanding of that.” desert_red_head
Another User Comments:
“You know, it would have been different if you said something like, “You seem anxious almost all the time, and I’m worried about you, bro. Is everything ok with wife’s health?
(If he says yes) Ok, that’s good. Well, I miss hanging out with you, and when you keep canceling our plans I just worry about you. Have you talked to your doc about anxiety?”
Do you see how that is different from what you did, which is basically attack him for caring about his wife?
YTJ for how you said it and for your attitude about their relationship.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You have not improved the situation. It is essential to look at the result you want, where you are, and what’ll get you there. Saying he is “too attached to his wife” is making it a “me vs the wife” scenario.
You will lose that fight. You deserve to lose that fight.
IF you have a reason for genuine concern, you should work with the wife and get your brother to some counseling to work through his fears and related issues. Even then, he could see a therapist and they could say “this is normal.”
IMAGINE the person you’ve loved for at least 1/3rd of your life dying. IMAGINE sitting there, day after day, knowing it could come back or knowing she still needs you because beating cancer is ROUGH and it requires care even after treatment. It is psychological heck and it doesn’t just “go away.”” ArchyDWolf
3. AITJ For Calling Out My Sister For Not Making Her Wedding Accessible For My Disabled Daughter?
“For context, I (34F) am a single mom to my daughter Mia (8F). Mia has been disabled since the day she was born and needs wheelchair assistance and constant care whenever she is awake.
I absolutely love her to death and it’s only been us during this entire journey, so I’m definitely super protective of my little girl.
I also have a sister Cassidy (28F) who just called me about the logistics/plan for her wedding in six months to her fiancé Max (27M).
She said the wedding was going to be at a beach near our city, and it will completely be held in the sand: basically a 35-person ceremony right by the water followed by a bonfire and barbecue also in the sand. She said she just wanted to let me know before she sent the official invite because of Mia.
I truly have never been more shocked and disappointed in my sister. You would think she would at least check in with me before she reserved the beach space because Mia obviously can’t come. And now she’s only telling me because it’s set in stone and there’s nothing she can change.
I tried explaining how hurtful this is to Mia because Mia loves her auntie, but she’ll be absolutely heartbroken not being able to attend the wedding. It’s already so difficult raising a child with disabilities without a partner, but when even family is this inconsiderate and cruel, it’s truly the worst feeling.
Cassidy immediately started deflecting saying she and Max checked to make sure the beach had a sand-friendly wheelchair for me to rent ($110/day) … the audacity to ask your guests to be paying just to make it to the event (especially when she knows I cannot afford this).
Then she said how she will not change the location because she and Max met on this very beach and it has been their dream ever since to get married here after they also got engaged here.
When I suggested she pay for the rental, she kept saying how she and Max already had to cut so much out of their budget and plans because they also can’t afford much.
Like you’re already paying for a whole wedding, but can’t afford a rental for your FAMILY to come? I was talking to some moms of children with disabilities and they all agree that it sounds like Cassidy doesn’t even want Mia there and is using all of this as an excuse.
I’m thinking about just telling her that we won’t be attending her wedding and supporting a person who’s inconsiderate of her own family.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
I understand that Mia is the center of your world, but she is not the center of this wedding.
The bride and groom have a location that is very significant to them. They want to get married at that location. That’s far more important in the context of this wedding than whether the location is ideal for your daughter. It’s disappointing that the location they wanted was not more accessible, but it’s very understandable why they want this location.
There is an accessibility option. You can see if the bride/groom or your family would be willing to help with the cost. If not, 8-year-olds don’t generally enjoy weddings anyway, even if they love the bride and groom. Adults often project that hurt onto kids, but kids view weddings differently (as a long, boring day).
My 6-year-old niece reminds me regularly that while she loves me and is happy to be in my wedding, “kids mostly hate weddings”, so there’s definitely a cap on how excited she’s going to get.
And if neither of those is a good option, I am sure your sister would understand if you could not make it.
Caring for your special needs child is an excellent reason to be unable to make a wedding.
But the bride and groom are not jerks for wanting to hold their wedding at a location that is significant TO THEM and their relationship. They are the center of this wedding, and their wishes take priority over just about everything else.” Robert_Rufus_Feline
Another User Comments:
“I truly mean this with all the empathy in the world, but YTJ.
There was nothing “inconsiderate and cruel” about your sister’s actions. She and her fiancé are having a small ceremony at a location of emotional significance to them. She researched and made sure there were accommodations for your daughter.
$110 isn’t cheap but couldn’t you speak with your family about getting some support? Could this rental be in lieu of a wedding gift?
This reads like someone who has a victim mentality and only communicates with folks who will validate their feelings. Your friends are wrong.
If your sister didn’t want your daughter there, she wouldn’t have done any research about the beach wheelchair.
You should always advocate for your daughter and it’s awesome that she clearly has a mom who supports her. But there is a difference between advocacy and entitlement.
There is an option to accommodate your daughter. You are the one choosing not to explore ways to make that accommodation work. This day isn’t about you and your daughter – it’s about your sister and her future husband.” quackerjack45
Another User Comments:
“So, here’s the thing, I have tremendous empathy for you, this world is NOT nearly as accessibly friendly as it should be and it is not fair that something as simple as going to the beach with your child is nearly impossible. That is not fair.
But it’s not your sister’s fault, it sounds like she tried to keep your daughter in mind, BUT this place holds especially special memories for the couple and it’s completely understandable why they wish to have their wedding there. And, it’s their wedding so it’s entirely up to them how to spend it.
And it sounds like she did her absolute best to ensure her niece can attend (finding the beach rental) HOWEVER, it is your responsibility to pay for it or not attend because you are accepting an invite with the knowledge of the circumstances.
Again, I have tremendous empathy for you, but don’t take your frustrations of needing to find accommodations out on your sister because it isn’t her fault she wants to be married somewhere meaningful to their relationship and history as a couple.
YTJ because you did demand your sister change her wedding vision solely for your daughter, Or pay for her to attend, not everyone will keep her in mind to ensure she’s included, it’s up to you, as her PARENT to find a way for her to stay included (in this case budgeting ahead of the wedding for the $110 wheelchair rental).
It’s going to continue to be harder for her and it’s better she learn now to find herself the tools necessary to not just survive, but live a fun life.” Difficult-Ad802
2. AITJ For Calling The Name My Sister Picked Out For Her Baby Stupid?
“I (21F) found out not too long ago that my sister, Bea (36F) is pregnant after a long struggle with infertility and I’m pumped and can’t wait to be an aunt.
Last week was the gender reveal party where Bea broke down crying after cutting the cake and seeing it was pink inside.
She and her husband are thrilled because they apparently wanted a girl. She said right then that the baby would be named Mary.
For reference, Bea is a “born again” Christian. She found Jesus during her third time in rehab. She’ll go on and on to anyone who’ll listen about how she had “visions” of the Virgin Mary by her bedside telling her she would get better, that the pain was temporary, and how she would do great things after recovering.
That was eight years ago, she met her husband not long after that, in church, of course, and fell head over heels in love saying that God made them for each other.
I kind of rolled my eyes at the declaration, Mary is just so old, and boring.
Bea asked me what was wrong, I was honest and told her I thought the name was a little boring, at the least she could do something like Miriam and make Mary a nickname. It’s 2023, kids will make fun of her for having an old lady name once she’s older.
I myself have an old lady name, think Edith or something and it’s a PAIN, kids in grade school constantly called me Grandma Edith and the sort, saying I was destined to be an old hag who would live in the woods and have a crooked nose.
I’m also worried for the baby, Bea isn’t a reliable person, she’s been sober for years and everyone still walks on eggshells around her, she used to run off to go on substance binges all the time, a few times leaving me home alone as a kid so she could meet one of her dealers while our parents were out.
She brought it up a few days ago, mentioning how she was hurt I didn’t like the name and asked if I was being honest in my feelings. I told her I was, Mary is a freaking stupid name, she’ll get bullied in school for it, or at the very least if she goes to some kind of Christian school, it’ll confuse the heck out of her because every other girl will be called Mary.
She called me cruel and a jerk and accused me of hating her and not caring that she was finally in a good place in life. As if she hasn’t been “in a good place in life” before and relapsed, leaving our parents in debt paying for therapy and rehab that don’t work, and letting us clean up all her messes over and over again.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
This just seems like a lot of incredibly unkind things to say. Having an opinion and voicing it politely is fine, but “it’s a freaking stupid name” isn’t terribly polite. Regardless of Mary being a perfectly typical name, talking about your sister the way that you are, in this post at least, just seems so… Resentful.
Addiction is a horrific problem to deal with. My mother is an addict, and I currently don’t even know if she’s alive because I don’t know where she is. I know very well that addiction not only hurts the people who are addicted, but their families, friends, and loved ones as well.
I have to commend Bea for going to rehab at all, even if she’s relapsed in the past. (My mom has never done rehab, and refuses entirely every time.) It’s HARD to not only get over the hurdle of what is effectively both a physical and mental illness but to admit that you need help in getting over that hurdle.
I’d think that what Bea needs more than anything is love and support from her family, and to be held accountable for her actions. Not her taste in baby names.
I hope that you and Bea are able to patch things up. Best of luck.” derelictdecoy
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It isn’t your baby. It isn’t your place to approve or judge the name. It’s Mary – not some slur or cardinal direction. I don’t understand the born-again types – I believe if your sister saw Mary, she was likely hallucinating- but if it changed her for the better and she was able to use that to get to where she currently is – a much healthier person – it doesn’t matter.
Recovery from addiction is hard and relapses happen – your sister doesn’t need to be ashamed of that and you’re a jerk for continuing to bring it up when “she’s been sober for years”. She had an addiction. She didn’t make good choices because of it.
And if your parents knew, and still had her in charge of a child – that’s your parents’ fault. Makes me wonder how parentified she was because your care shouldn’t have been her responsibility.
I’d be happy my sister was finally in a stable place to have her own family and be herself finally.” joeswastedtime
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Feels like it’s not about the name but about your resentment and what feels like jealousy of Bea.
8 years sober is a huge accomplishment. And having a baby after dealing with infertility is also a huge deal. Finding her husband after getting sober is very cool too.
Being happy in a religion is good if that’s what floats her boat.
But you? You pay lip service to these things being good out of one side of your mouth, and then dog on them out of the other.
You’re entitled to feel however you feel about things that happened in the past. But it’s been 8 years.
If you can’t deal with your own resentment (and get help if you need it), then that’s a you problem at this point.
Feel what you feel. But taking your resentment out on Bea with every other word isn’t ok.
Also, she has the right to be happy.
You don’t seem to think she does, because of her struggles with addiction. Feels like you’re just sitting there waiting for her to fail, and you’re irritated she hasn’t failed yet which is completely bizarre.
People change and grow. Whether you think they can, or should, or have the right to.
But she 100% has the right to be happy without you crapping on it. Maybe you should look at the plank in your own eye before worrying about her mote.” GoldenGoof1
OP didnt start out saying the name was stupid. They were asked what they thought about the name. They replied. Mom to be would not let it go. This older sibling would not let it go. People.walk on egg shells around the older sister so maybe she is used to having people agree with her/ get her things/ put up with things.....and OP gave an angry presurred response. Too much of a meal is being made about older sibs recovery; OP was pushed and then pushed back. NTJ.
1. AITJ For Giving My Stay-At-Home-Mom Wife A Written Performance Review?
“I (33m) share one child (6f) with my wife (36f). She has another daughter (13f) that lives with us full-time, we also have custody of our niece (15f). The teens are each other’s best friends, they share a large bedroom which was done at their request. The dynamic here is pretty much mom and youngest against the teens, with me being the referee between everyone.
My wife has taught the youngest, she can blame others for her actions to avoid consequences. She just says the word, one of the teens will get punished without question. There’s no doubt, she is my wife’s favorite. I love her, but she’s becoming nothing more than an entitled brat.
As just a mere example, my wife and I had an appointment we both needed to attend. When we came back, it was apparent the pool had been used. They’re not allowed to swim while we aren’t home.
As the youngest divulged, “Mommy I was in my room coloring, I never went swimming.” The teens said that was not true, she had gone swimming as well.
Only the teens were punished, my wife refused to give the youngest any type of consequence. I later found her wet swimming suit hidden in the garage. My wife and I argued, I felt strongly she needed to not only be punished for swimming, but also for lying.
After a relentless disagreement, I was silenced as she gave the youngest a very minimal consequence.
The lying, blaming, and favoritism ultimately caused the teens to act out, understandably. Most of their consequences are done by giving more chores, specifically the chores the 6-year-old has.
Or as recently, they were removed from music lessons as a consequence. I believe they’re so frustrated they don’t even care when they verbally attack their mother after her unfair treatment towards them. After all, they already get blamed and punished for things they don’t even do, from my perspective lashing out gives them a release.
We have had countless, tiring arguments. She’d either not see her faults, or we’d agree to do this and that, but it was never actually done. I decided to write her a performance review, as a SAHM. Her areas in need of improvement, well it was a lot.
But I touched on how she needs to listen better, stop being biased. Be fair in all her decisions, and stop making rash decisions without taking all three kids into consideration. I recommended she give each child the same amount of one-on-one alone time to speak, or just be with one another.
So it wouldn’t be an entire slap to her face, I gave her accolades on her strong points for other areas aside from parenting. I guess I felt this would work best because I could organize my thoughts on paper without her interjecting. However, it quickly backfired in my face.
She was quiet the first hour after I handed it to her. Then she completely exploded on me, said if we’re going to do this type of crap she’ll get a private bank account and take half my paycheck every week. She further said the review was abusive, and a manipulative sexist move.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH. You are right about the need for change. But my god how you screwed the pooch on this one. You gave a borderline toxic woman more ammo to DARVO you, by power-playing her when you shouldn’t have.
Performance reviews are given by employers, educators, and people with higher status and power, not equals – so in this instance, she’s right.
Can she start splitting your assets down the middle if we’re getting transactional now? Can she bill you for hours worked (as you’re her employer), all communication and contact after 6 pm (overtime pay, of course), and back pay, sick pay, maternity pay, and performance bonus for birthing your goshdarn child?
You messed up so badly with this. And the worst part is, you seem to be sane, otherwise, and sound like a great dad to your daughters, who NEED you to look out for them. Your wife sounds like she’s damaging your kids. A performance review is both inappropriate and NOT ENOUGH to stop the damage happening in your house.
Be better, or you will lose your good relationship with your kids because they will see you won’t defend them against vicious favoritism and targeted unfair punishment.” LeslieKnope6254
Another User Comments:
“ESH, she for obvious reasons, you for the way you handled it. I’m really in favor of both written communication and using workplace tools in families (I know I’m in the minority, but they work really well), but a performance review specifically, when she didn’t ask for it, sounds disrespectful, because you’re not her boss.
A better way to handle it would’ve been to propose regular (e.g. monthly) retrospectives in which you both talk about how the past “sprint” went, what could’ve been done better (both on your side and hers), what went well, what you should celebrate, what you should start doing, etc. You can use Post-its so all of this is written and bring notes so you can think about the major points beforehand.
What your wife is doing should absolutely be addressed, but this was likely a step back, and you need to apologize and admit what you did was disrespectful in order to re-open a conversation about it.
I’m also confused about one thing: why didn’t you give your youngest consequences for her actions when you caught her red-handed?
Your wife being a SAHM doesn’t stop you from being a parent; in fact (I assume from their ages your children are all in school), she doesn’t even spend all day with them while you’re at work, so I assume her job would be the housekeeping part, and the parenting should be 50/50?” DangerousRub245
Another User Comments:
“Honestly you’re NTJ. Performance reviews between partners are a healthy way to acknowledge the metrics of your relationship. Saying “Hey, I appreciate you, these are things that can be worked on for the betterment of our relationship/family” is completely rational and healthy.
A lot of the times when you have to talk about your feelings with your partner you’re put on the spot and aren’t able to fully communicate. There’s nothing manipulative about his actions, he is clearly communicating things that need to be worked on.
All he did was write down his thoughts that he had already been expressing and hand them to her.
Also, everyone is talking about the 6yo being punished for swimming but ignoring the fact that she LIED so she clearly knew it was wrong and that was why OP wanted a heftier consequence.
People are saying he’s at work so he can’t tell if this is what’s actually happening but you can CLEARLY tell when your 6yo is acting brattier and more entitled than developmentally appropriate. Teens aren’t the life of the party but it sounds like the mom is holding resentment towards them and is ashamed they can’t have their perfect little family with just OP, mom, and 6yo.” icreatetofreeus
Another User Comments:
“The 15-year-old was clearly in charge of the 6-year-old and the 13yo. Therefore, any rule-breaking she participated in was her responsibility.
It is completely unreasonable to give a 6-year-old, whose caretaker clearly encouraged her to break the rules, equal punishment to a 15- and 13-year-old.
6-year-olds lie. That’s a fact. They lack impulse control. Children that age will literally make up stories to lie about. It’s a development thing.
He said she punished the 6-year-old for lying but he considered it too little, but it sounds like he isn’t making exceptions for her age or whose responsibility it was to enforce the rules at the time.
I do think it’s pretty unethical for one of your children to benefit from another child’s punishment. It creates a power dynamic. So, in that way, Mom is wrong. But that could just be a lack of deep thought.
However, I don’t think OP is giving a full picture.
Think about it.
This man gave his WIFE a performance review. Like she was his employee… OP could have simply written down his thoughts on the situation and handed it to her in a letter. But nope. He chose to give her a performance review.
An interaction strictly reserved for employer/employee relationships…where the employer has power over the employee.
Everyone said she was wrong for threatening to take half his paycheck when he acted like she was his subordinate in a job. She quite literally responded exactly like I would.
“Oh, I’m an employee now? Well, I’m not getting paid, so hand it over.”
He was disrespectful, and she responded in kind. No one would give their spouse a written performance review and expect it to go well or come off as respectful in any way.
OP knew what he was doing and was trying to justify it. “So it wouldn’t be entirely a slap in the face…” OP knew he was wrong and openly admitted to it.
For that reason (and because it makes me think he’s a dirty liar), OP, YTJ.” Secret_Collar6726
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