People Supply Us With Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories In Exchange For Our Thoughts
19. AITJ For Triggering My Husband's Phobia?
“My (40F) husband (39) has misophonia. This means that certain sounds drive him crazy.
For example, he absolutely hates crunching sounds. This has affected him (us!) for as long as I can remember. My husband will yell, name call, and even take my food from me if I am crunching. He becomes a different person – like he really can’t help himself.
We have had many arguments over this – my husband says I’m rude for eating crunchy food, I tell him I should be allowed to eat in the kitchen and he should put on headphones. In the recent past, I told him that to solve our problem, I was going to grab his headphones when I wanted to eat something crunchy.
Today I was preparing to eat an açaí bowl with very crunchy granola in the kitchen when my husband went to do something on a computer in the next room over. There is no door between the rooms. After my first bite, my husband got very mad at me and told me to stop eating crunchy stuff and told me how rude I am.
I asked him nicely if I could get his headphones. He angrily said, no, I need to stop eating the crunchy food. I asked again very nicely if he needed me to find him some headphones. He said no, and came into the kitchen with a mission.
He came stomping in and looked as though he was going to toss my food out, so I grabbed my bowl and moved to the other side of our kitchen island. He told me I had to leave the room and go eat my bowl in the bedroom.
He told me that I was rude and disgusting.
I left the room and went to the back bedroom to eat because I was afraid after my next bite that he would come back in and throw away my food.
Eating a crunchy snack takes me about 5 minutes to finish, and I might do this a few times a day.
He is currently working from home, so he is always here when I eat. Am I supposed to leave the kitchen to eat, or should he wear headphones or leave the room? Who is the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think it’s unreasonable of the husband to want to control what you can and can’t eat when it’s within his power to control the situation.
He can wear headphones. He can go to a different room. His issue doesn’t excuse his response. He could have asked you to eat in another room. You could have discussed it. Storming into the kitchen and demanding you eat elsewhere or not eat and calling you rude for eating a normal snack while offering a solution… he’s the jerk.” Whelmed29
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m sorry, but he’s a complete jerk. I have the same problem. I can’t stand when people eat crunchy food. It absolutely drives me up the wall. I used to side-eye my coworker and good friend for eating almonds at her desk next to me, but we laughed about it because we are rational adults.
I know I can’t make other people change how they live. I can hear my husband chewing from two rooms away. Again, it’s a me problem. Sometimes I’ll comment if he’s eating tortilla chips right next to me, like “Good lord,” but there have only been a few times in over 20 years where I’ve made him leave the room before I lost my mind.
Those times were when I was highly stressed and reacted without thinking. It’s not an anaphylactic allergy, it’s a thing that can be worked through. He should be mature enough to know that he is the one with the problem and needs to be the one to do something about it.” Tmacswife
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I have misophonia too and gotta be honest just reading all the times you said crunchy and crunching—I found myself getting hot and heated and annoyed with you. It’s a subconscious and fairly automatic thing. However — how you respond to that annoyance is completely a conscious affair.
He can’t help how annoyed he gets. He can absolutely control how he is responding to you. He’s a jerk who feels he can act out with you. Also— it’s the kitchen. Everyone in my family hates crunching and we all also know that the kitchen is fair game for anyone who needs to do it!” ResistSpecialist4826
18. AITJ For Throwing Away A Dinner I Planned With My Husband?
“My husband and I have been living off of mostly frozen meals and takeout for the last few years, but as a New Year’s resolution, we wanted to start making more home-cooked meals.
This was his idea, and I was all for it. We planned a big meal to kick it off with a roasted chicken and lots of sides that we could save and eat throughout the week. The day before, I prepped a bunch of the veggies for sides and the spices (I grew them but have never really used them for cooking).
The day to cook everything came, and he said he wanted to go hang out with his friends, which is fine, but I asked that he be back by a certain time, so we could start making dinner together. That time came and went, and I started cooking the chicken but asked he be back to help with the sides.
Again, that didn’t happen, and by the time everything was done, he was still out drinking with buddies, and when I called somewhat angry, he hung up on me. I took all the food and threw it into the dumpster.
I know it was a waste of perfectly good food, and I’m wrong for that, but I was so mad that this thing we were supposed to be doing together turned out to just be me cooking while he went out and got wasted with friends.
He thinks I’m the jerk for throwing out everything in anger. My reasoning is that he wanted to start home-cooking meals but then bailed the second I asked him to help. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Yiiiiiiiiiiikes – either this story is just the surface of a crappy relationship iceberg, or you both have a LOT of growing up to do.
This is not how adults communicate or react. Do better, get a divorce, or live in misery with each other – these are the choices. And not making a choice is still making a choice.” Emotional_Koala_
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m an old man who was super dumb when I was young, and I totally pulled crap like your husband did to you.
I like to say that when I was 25, I was a total idiot, and now that I am 52, I am still an idiot, but not a -total- idiot. You need to get through to your husband that he was wrong. Sometimes that means throwing the whole meal away.
Sometimes grand gestures are what is required to make an impact. I would have eaten some of it first, though. Thankfully, my wife of 27 years is a saint (the “take no bullcrap” type of saint) and is still with me. She would have done the same as you in that situation.
And had harsh words with me when I got home.” nerdmania
Another User Comments:
“ESH. He should not have stayed out so long with his buddies, so he could be sober enough to drive home and help you cook. Understandable this would be frustrating. You shouldn’t have thrown out a perfectly good chicken and sides that would’ve lasted a few days, just because you were mad at him.
If you called when he had been drinking, would you want him to drive home intoxicated and try to cook wasted? Now what are you going to do about meals? Next time you want to cook together, he needs to stay home and do chores before dinner if he can’t be trusted to get home on time.” PotentialUmpire1714
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I hate food waste as much as the next person; we eat the heck out of our leftovers. But I really dislike a male partner that says “we’re” going to do something, but really expects the wife to do it for them.
Been there and done that. As others have said, I probably would have eaten my fill first. And then maybe turned the chicken into chicken salad or shredded it for another meal, so it wasn’t fun for him to eat anymore. But I am a mom in my mid-30s and just don’t put a whole chicken to waste because it’s too much work.
Lol.” Tangyplacebo621
17. AITJ For Refusing To Pay Rent To My Roommate?
“I have been living with my roommate for 2 and a half years, and we became pretty good friends.
When we moved in, she signed the lease in her name only and the landlord told her if she wanted a roommate to figure an agreement out herself.
The lease ended a year or so ago, and she never re-signed. She also never had me sign any leases or agreements in our 2 and half years. She found a job in a new city and told our landlord she’s leaving in a few months.
We live in an expensive city. I’ve stayed for as long as possible but can no longer afford it. My mom asked me to come home in exchange for taking care of her dogs and some cleaning, so I wouldn’t have to pay rent. I could continue looking for a job and save.
I told my roommate before New Year’s that I was leaving as I could no longer afford to live with her. I agreed to get my stuff out before February and paid January rent.
She’s moving in March and is still asking me to pay rent for February.
She’s even written up an agreement and is asking me to sign it, which my whole family is telling me not to do. When I told her I was leaving, I even offered to send her some money for February depending on when I found a job and got my first paycheck cause I felt bad leaving her without my usual share for the last month and didn’t want to strain our friendship.
She kept asking me to sign, and I kept diverting cause I was in another city, and all my stuff was in our apartment, and I was worried about her throwing stuff out if I straight up told her no.
Well, we still agreed on some days for me to get my stuff while she was out of town.
I drove 11 hours in one day to find she’d locked some of my consoles into our storage unit (which also has my AC unit and some sports gear) and taken the keys with her. I called her, and she said express mail the keys if I agreed to sign or promise her February rent; otherwise, she can’t let me leave with all my stuff.
I’m honestly thinking of getting bolt cutters, replacing the storage locks, leaving the new keys, and just never talking to her again.
But basically, AITJ for not paying rent I can’t afford and moving out?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But I would check the legality of cutting the locks before doing it.
If it’s legal, go for it. If not, she stole your belongings. I would give her a deadline and let her know if she does not give you access to your belongings before the deadline, you will be calling the cops. Or just call the cops.
She’s being a jerk, and it might be good to have someone else there when she comes back with the keys.” photosbeersandteach
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Don’t sign anything, and since you have it in writing that she’s expecting you to pay rent in an apartment where you no longer live, what she is doing is extortion.
She’s moving out in March anyway. If you decided to stay, would she continue to pay rent? Doubtful. Tell her that you fulfilled your obligation and she can give you back your property or you will take legal action. Good luck!” HoneyMCMLXXIII
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She had 2 and a half years to make you sign a lease/agreement which would have protected her in this exact situation. I’m not sure if she’s lazy or incompetent but giving you a handwritten agreement to sign just 2 weeks before you are moving is a waste of time and energy.
It’s too late for that now. Clearly, she’s very desperate for rent for February, but that’s her problem. She put herself in this situation. She had 2 years to make sure she wouldn’t be in this situation by handing you papers to sign.
She needs to take this as a hard life lesson for what NOT to do next time she has a roommate.
Also, if your mom didn’t ask you to move back home, you would be in a very unfortunate situation. As you wrote you can no longer afford the rent meaning you would have to look for a new roommate or move to a cheaper place.
Your roommate clearly wouldn’t care about your situation if she moved first and left you to pay the rent alone. She told your landlord that she was moving, and that’s probably how you found out she was moving, right? Because she didn’t have the decency to tell you first, so you could plan accordingly.” xxDiamondgirl
16. AITJ For Being Cold With A Co-Worker For Telling Me My Muscles Aren't Feminine?
Totally inappropriate on the coworker’s part.
“I (F20) work in an office setting, and for the most part, I get along with my coworkers great. Also for important backstory, I’ve started going to the gym more, and I’ve lost ~20 lbs so far. I’m also going for more of a muscular look, which I guess is “unfeminine” (again, important later).
One of my coworkers, Jack, has been friends with me for years. We became friends before either of us even started working here. He knows I’ve been going to the gym, etc., and it’s become a little inside joke with us. He’ll call me a meathead, or I’ll call him a shrimp, even though he’s a good 10” taller than me.
There’s one other woman in our pod at work, Janet. She’s a no-nonsense type and really driven at work. I admire that about her. The other day, Jack and I were on break, and he dropped his plastic fork, and when he went to grab it, I went, “Let me know if you need help picking that up, little man.” He called me Ivan Drago, I told him I’d kill him, and we switched gears to talking about other stuff.
Janet, who was sitting at a table nearby, let out a huge huff when Jack and I were cracking our jokes, but I didn’t think anything of it.
After Jack finished his lunch, she turned around in her seat and completely unprompted started telling me how I needed to “tone down” the jokes and asked if I wasn’t embarrassed. I was like, “What do I have to be embarrassed by?” and she told me that my “figure was unflattering” and that it was “unfeminine” to be trying to build muscle.
I kind of laughed at her and told her outright that I didn’t care what she thought, but thanks for her unwanted opinion. She said she was just “trying to help” and they were “her two cents.”
Since then, she’s been cold to me at work, and I’ve been equally cold back, but I don’t know.
Is it a faux pas to joke around with coworkers like I’ve been doing? Is it against some unwritten rule? Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“100% NTJ. She should respect that you are becoming muscular for yourself, not anyone else. If you have a specific dynamic with someone and that person is fine with the dynamic, then that makes friendships so much better.
She has no business trying to tell you how to live your life. Not to mention, by calling it unflattering, she is implying that no one could possibly be attracted to you. HOW. UNBELIEVABLY. RUDE. She should have kept minding her own business. Do not feel bad.
You did absolutely nothing wrong. If she is being cold towards you, then she is the one missing out. Sounds like y’all are a hoot!” wolfecybernetix
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for telling her you don’t care what she thinks of your figure. On the contrary, well done.
Hard to know why she was bothered by you and Jack joking around about his masculinity or why she chose to wait until Jack was gone to have a go at you about your perceived lack of femininity. What’s clear, though, is she doesn’t have the same admiration for you as you have for her.
It’d be a good idea to keep a record of her comments and the cold shoulder treatment and consider going to HR to mediate – especially if it escalates or ends up affecting your work.” Legal-Needle81
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your coworker gave you enough ammo to file a harassment complaint against her.
She acted in a completely unprofessional capacity by commenting on your physical appearance in the way she did. You gave her a solid clapback in a way that can’t be used against you in a complaint, very good for you.
As a side note, “faux pas to joke around with coworkers,” any comment (or joke) you make to a coworker that isn’t strictly work-related and could be interpreted as offensive to anyone who heard it or saw the communication, not just the persons you made it to, has a chance of being actionable either by the company’s HR or worse.
However, jokes are necessary to make work bearable. You have to learn where your company’s “line” is and not cross it. Personally, you didn’t cross it in this situation and probably never have for all I know, whereas Janet clearly did.” HarveySnake
15. AITJ For Dishonestly Collecting From My Trust Fund?
“So my (33M) parents passed away about two years ago.
They were both very wealthy and very religious. They set up a trust fund for my siblings and me, but all of us have various conditions to meet. Some of us have to attend church more often, some need to meet up at their graves, and I need to be in a relationship with a woman.
Other conditions include not being in a relationship with people of certain races or religions.
So I’m bi but mostly prefer men. My parents always made it abundantly clear that they hated my “lifestyle choices” and would always say that it’s just a phase I’ll eventually grow out of.
So the condition they set for me is that I need to be in a relationship with or married to a woman to collect the funds. I was pretty upset about the whole situation, but not much I could do about it.
About 6 months after my parents died, I was venting to one of my best friends about the situation.
She proposed that we could become roommates and pretend to be in a relationship so that I could collect from the trust. So that’s what we started doing about a year and a half ago.
Fast forward to current day, one of my siblings caught me out with another man and told my fake partner.
My friend and I both talked to my sibling and explained the situation. My sibling said I was a jerk and what I was doing was wrong. They agreed that our parents were terrible and homophobic but said they were still entitled to choose what they did with their money.
They also said that I needed to come clean and tell our parents’ lawyer that I am not actually with a woman. I argued that I don’t need to be concerned about the opinions of overly judgmental bigots.
So AITJ for continuing to collect from the trust?
Me receiving money from the fund doesn’t decrease how much my siblings get, so it’s basically victimless.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s a ridiculous caveat on the trust. Is it even legal? What if it stated you had to marry a certain woman?
Could that be upheld? But really you should have never confided in your sib. Should have made it like you were having an affair. Kept the ruse going. Pretend to fight and then make up. Now Sib is gonna tell the lawyer, and there’s gonna be issues.
Or not – the lawyer might think it’s a ridiculous rule too and just overlook it. Can they do that?” Mentalcomposer
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but you might still be facing legal ramifications since this would potentially be legally defined as fraud. I suggest you engage a lawyer yourself to see what is truly required to demonstrate adherence to the trust’s requirements for the funds to be paid out.
As you stated it, it seems very vague, and like you could meet the requirement of a ‘relationship’ even if you are not in a monogamous, romantic partnership with a woman.” owls_and_cardinals
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You’re a jerk for telling your sibling the truth.
This leaves you open to legal risks. “We have an open relationship” would have been a much better response. Your parents didn’t stipulate that you had to be in a monogamous relationship. Just a hetero one.” Ohcrumbcakes
14. AITJ For Telling My Stepmom That She Shouldn't Come To My Graduation?
“I (24F) am in my 3rd year of a mathematics PhD and only have dissertation writing left. Since I did not get to walk for my BS, I told my parents I would just make my PhD ‘the’ graduation.
Of course, I would invite everyone, send out announcements, hire a photographer, yadda yadda. So far, I plan to invite my dad, bio mom, stepmom, and two sisters, as well as my aunt, uncle, and any of their children who want to attend.
When discussing this with my dad & stepmom, SM interjects and tells me to make sure that my dad doesn’t have to interact with my mom at all (they’ve been divorced since I was little and recently got into a small fight that upset my dad).
I told her no way, it is not my job to handle who sees who, especially on a day that I worked very hard for. SM also mentioned she and my dad were going to make dinner reservations at a fancy restaurant and that my mom wasn’t invited. I also declined, saying that everyone is here to help me celebrate this important milestone, so we either celebrate together or don’t celebrate at all.
She doesn’t get to dictate how I celebrate my special day by any means. I suggested that she should consider just staying home if it was going to be such an issue, but AITJ for saying this & not conforming to her demands?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Congrats on an amazing accomplishment! I view graduations like weddings. Would your stepmother tell you to keep your mother away from your father at your wedding? No. If you are traditional, your mother would be sitting right smack dab in front of them. Many divorced parents sit together in the front row.
Would your stepmother suggest that your mother not be invited to your reception? Because suggesting your mother not be invited to the celebratory dinner or party after your graduation is essentially the same thing. Your stepmother is ridiculous. Your parents have been divorced for a long time, they are adults, and they need to both come to this graduation and be civil.
It sounds to me like your stepmom is the one who can’t let the argument go, and if she can’t, she can stay home.” 1Preschoolteacher
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She doesn’t get to erase your mom just because it’s awkward for your dad. Once you have kids, you can’t divorce cleanly and the other person isn’t ever going away.
You might get married, in which case your mom is going to be front and center right there with them through much of it. If you have any children, there will be more events at which they’ll both be present. They might as well start practicing getting used to your mom not going anywhere and learning how to live with it.
Unless your dad wants to cut you off, they really have no choice.” Pale_Cranberry1502
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it’s your day, your invitation to your event. She does not get to dictate what you do and who you include. It’s your father’s responsibility to stay away from your mother if he doesn’t want to be around her.
It’s no one else’s responsibility to keep them apart. It’s also very unfair for your stepmom to make demands of you to do so and not include your mother in your celebrations. You did everything correctly. You have absolutely no reason to feel bad or guilty for setting boundaries and establishing expectations that include your mother and her presence at your graduation and after celebrations.
Your SM trying to cut her out is inappropriate and very petty. It’s also very self-centered and entitled. She seems to forget this is YOUR day not her or your father’s and this event and celebration should be about you and no one else.
If she can’t tolerate your mom’s presence then she can stay home. Personally, it sounds like she should. Same applies to your father. If he can’t take responsibility for himself, he can stay home. But you’re entitled to invite and include anyone you want on your day.” Gorgeous-Angelface
13. WIBTJ For Making My Husband Upset By Giving My Wedding Ring To My Step-Daughter?
“I’ve (40) been with my husband (48) for 20 years now, married for 16 with a 14 and 3-year-old together. My husband has a daughter (Sam, 25) from a previous relationship, her mother passed away when she was 6.
Sam and I do have a close relationship.
Context: my wedding ring was meant to be given to Sam’s mother.
She didn’t want to get married but wore it anyway for about a year – I didn’t find out this until 5 years into our relationship. The ring belonged to my husband’s grandmother and mother.
Sam came to me recently and said she wanted the ring, she’s getting married, and said it’d be a nice way to be close to both her mothers – I love the ring.
I love Sam more.
I spoke to my husband about it, and he was so against it, said his mother told our 14-year-old that she’d get the ring (my 14-year-old does love the ring), and he got upset, and told my daughter who got upset.
I told him that it meant a lot to Sam, he seemed to back off and finally agreed but said, “It was my mother’s. She wants it to go to our 14-year-old.” His argument is that both have equal rights to the ring, he said it’s my choice but know that he and his mother will be upset if I give it to Sam.
MIL likes Sam, but she does prefer my middle child as she’s her “first official grandchild” AKA; born when my husband and I were married.
My husband and I are renewing next year, so will probably get another ring then.
WIBTJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but your MIL is a huge jerk for not viewing Sam as her granddaughter, and your husband is a jerk for going along with it. It’s beautiful that you are continuing the family tradition with Sam, especially since her own mother is no longer around and her grandmother obviously views her as second-class.
I’m glad that she has you to advocate for her since clearly her own bio relatives can’t be bothered.
“His argument is that both have equal rights to the ring.”
Why do they both have equal rights when traditionally it goes to the oldest daughter?
Sadly, your husband views his own daughter as less than. Hopefully, nothing ever happens to you because who knows how he’d treat the daughters that you share if he ever got remarried.
You and your husband should also have a conversation with the 14-year-old about the ring, to clarify that you are following family tradition in giving it to Sam and that Grandma had no right to promise it to her.
The last thing you want is to encourage resentment between the sisters, especially since Grandma might be looking to stir the pot. In fact, you should probably keep a closer eye on how Grandma interacts with all three of your children to ensure that she isn’t stirring up resentment between them.” Legally_Blonde_258
Another User Comments:
“WNBTJ. It’s a ring, and while 14 was promised the ring and all that, in the grand scheme of things, it should always have been Sam’s, skipping you entirely. It was given to Sam’s mom as a wedding ring (even though she didn’t want to be married) and then she died. Not sure how it came to you, but if it were me, I sure as heck wouldn’t take the ring and give it to my new wife.
I think if you talk to your MIL about it and explain your thinking, you might be able to come to some sort of understanding here. I mean you can even fall on your sword a bit and say “It’s continuing down the chain it was destined to, I’ve just been keeping it safe and if Sam’s mother was still alive and with Husband, Sam would be getting it no question, right?”” Cfx99
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it should go to the oldest daughter. Her mother wore it and you have it now. Grandma is not a good grandmother. To skip your oldest grandchild because her parents weren’t married is crazy. I’m sure Grandma told the 14-year-old it’d be hers just for this reason.
Your husband needs to tell Mom that her bad treatment of the older daughter needs to stop. I’m guessing the older daughter realizes she is treated differently? I’d tell my 14-year-old her older sister is getting the ring because her mom had worn it too, and she is the eldest granddaughter, so it is hers now.
If MIL had the nerve to say anything, I’d tell her she fricking sucks, and you corrected her bad decision to skip the eldest daughter. Since her dad can’t step up, it falls on you.” 9smalltowngirl
12. AITJ For Getting Mad At My Step-Mother For Trying To Fix Our Relationship?
You can’t force a relationship with anyone.
“So earlier this summer, my dad and stepmom brought me out to eat to talk about something. Once we got to the restaurant, she broke the news to me that our relationship wasn’t the best and I had been avoiding her. (I was not avoiding her; I was just hanging out with my friends or playing video games.
She said those were excuses.)
I admit our relationship was/isn’t the best because I used to be a really misbehaved kid. (I have changed and matured.) So she still treats me like I’m that demon child, and I’m tired of it.
By that, I mean grounding me for every little small thing, etc. I kept trying to get her to treat me like a young adult or at least with a little respect and she said, “I only treat you like you haven’t changed because you were such a bad kid,” or “I am the parent; you are the kid.
You are not entitled to respect; therefore, I do not have to give it to you.”
So in order to “fix” our relationship, she says it’s best for us to take a break from each other. So she is sending me to live with my sister and her husband in Utah (we are in Texas) for the first semester of high school, about 5 months.
I was furious and was asking her how she thought this was a good idea, and when I asked to leave the restaurant so we could talk about this in private, she said, “No, I brought us here on purpose so we aren’t in private.” I was really mad.
I tried talking to my dad about the matter in private, and he said he thinks it’s the best but doesn’t want it to happen. Basically, there’s no way out of it.
Fast forward a little bit to where I’m in UT with my sis, I had stopped talking to her.
Didn’t call, didn’t text, etc. My brothers, dad, etc. were telling me that I was being a jerk for cutting off communication, but I don’t see it. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t care if you’re 8 or 48. If someone is refusing to treat you with respect, you can’t have a healthy relationship with them.
And if someone’s way of “fixing” that relationship is to uproot your life and send you away, I don’t see why you would need to make an effort to have a relationship with them.
WITH THAT SAID. If you want to go home, you’re going to have to suck it up and play nice.
She’s obviously going to be this controlling, and you’re going to be stuck in Utah forever if you don’t properly kiss the evil stepmother’s behind.” -The-Baba-Jaga-
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This will never get better unless your dad divorces, and that would take far more strength and love than he has.
He doesn’t love you, and your stepmother despises you. He will always put her above you, and she will always despise you. There is nothing you can do to change this, and the more you try, the worse it becomes. But you’re just a kid, and you can have a wonderful life.
But you can’t keep investing in disaster.
Go NC with your stepmother and dad and anyone else who tries to drag you into the delusion that you have a loving family. You don’t, but you can build a life surrounded by loving people. Set your sights on the future you want and only take steps toward that future.
Nothing your stepmother has to offer will lead you there. Nothing your father has to offer, while he’s with your stepmother, can lead you there. They are roadblocks to a good life. Learn how to quickly identify these roadblocks and express your intention to waste no time on them at all.
Dismiss them and move on. Move on to what? I don’t know. But I do know that committing to a future tends to help you notice the paths that might lead there.
As a personal strategy, document every way your stepmother and father have compromised your life, in even the smallest or seemingly insignificant way.
At best, it’s something you can share to help others understand, but its real value is in helping you to keep focused on the truth when your father is gaslighting you about how you’re exaggerating things and how your stepmother is just trying to help.
Remember this whenever you’re dealing with your stepmother. She despises you. She will always despise you. You cannot trust her in any way, about anything.
But you can use them both to help shape your future. Use their money and resources as much as you can to get an education and experience to build your life.
Analyze your relationship with both parents to find your power. Does your stepmother value her image as the loving stepmother? Threaten that image. Does your father value his image as the loving dad? Threaten that. This is a complicated dynamic, so tread carefully. Get therapy, but shop around for a therapist that gets you.
Any therapist that minimizes your parents’ actions cannot help you.” AdOne8433
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I don’t think I’ve heard of ANY story where sending a child away led to a closer relationship, even when the child truly needed professional help. I can’t believe your dad bought that nonsense.
Stepmonster sounds lazy.
The next logical step should’ve been THERAPY, not yeeting you across state lines. Relationships are built on communication, not unilateral decisions.
I think I honestly would’ve lost my crap in the restaurant and let EVERYONE know that Stepmonster was trying to give me away.
If you do have to go back, I’d continue ignoring her and when she makes a fuss, throw her words back at her. She still treats you like a demon child, because that’s how you were. She wanted you gone and was a “parent” who abandoned you, so you’re pretending you don’t exist in her presence.
Seems fair.” porkypandas
11. AITJ For Telling My Mom That I Don't Like Her?
“My (16f) mother (40f) read in some parenting book that saying to your child “I love you, but I don’t like you” is a good way to discipline them. I don’t necessarily agree with that parenting book because, as a child, I viewed my mother liking me and loving me as the same.
I used to have pretty bad attachment anxiety and would cry whenever she left me alone, and she would get tired of me and tell me, “Stop crying. When you act like this, I love you, but don’t like you,” then she would be cold with me for the rest of the day.
As far as I was concerned, why did it matter if she loved me if she refused to talk to me because she disliked me so much?
Anyway, that’s just the backstory. The main crux of my issue is that my mother was playing with my younger brothers (5m and 2m), and the 5-year-old asked why I wasn’t playing.
I had just returned from school and walked in right to hear his question, and my mother responding, “I don’t think your sister loves me the way that you two do.”
I didn’t realize it until that moment, but I had been mentally preparing to use my mother’s statement back to her for my entire life.
I responded, “Mom, of course I love you, but I don’t like you.” Then I remembered why I’d never used that phrase: my mother got really angry at me. She got up and went to her bedroom, and she’s been very cold with me the rest of the day.
The only thing she’s said to me is she told me to not tell my father about any of this, because, if he hears, he’ll get angry at both of us for fighting and will just cause a bigger scene.
I really feel bad for my brothers because they were confused. Apparently, my mother’s never used that term on them?
They were also upset because the play session got cut short, and I feel bad because I could have just been nicer to my mother. AITJ for responding how I did?”
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ. When your mother goes cold on you when you do something she doesn’t like, that is a form of emotional maltreatment.
It is also emotional maltreatment when she makes comments like the one she did to your brothers in the first place. She doesn’t want you to tell your dad because this might have been something he has spoken to her about in the past. But you are not responsible for protecting your mother from the potential consequences of her own actions.
It’s important you learn to recognize this now so that you can learn how to cope with it.
You will be an adult soon, and emotional maltreatment is everywhere. If you can identify it you can protect yourself from remaining in relationships or friendships in the future where people treat you this way.
It’s really hard to accept that our parents aren’t perfect and that they may have not treated us the way we deserve to be treated. I’m sorry. It is fair for her to be hurt by what you said, but that hurt comes from shame, and she should feel ashamed for withdrawing affection from her child when her child misbehaves because that is toxic.” Reddit User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. While it sucks your brothers were affected, this gives me so many red flags that I think are bigger than that. How is your relationship with your dad? Was he ever around when she said that to you in the past?
No need to actually reply. But if you’re comfortable opening up to your dad, and you realize he wasn’t around when she said that before, you should absolutely tell him all about it. It really sounds like he has no clue and wouldn’t like that your mom had said that.
The whole “don’t tell or we’ll/you’ll get in trouble” is a big manipulation tactic.” BoredsohereIam
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for giving your mother a taste of her own medicine. That she would tell you not to tell your father just tells me that your dad doesn’t know about any of the emotional maltreatment you’ve suffered over the years.
When you talk to your dad, and you should talk to your dad, you need to basically come at him the way you have come at us. Very “I think I might have done something wrong when talking to Mom, and I’m worried that I should have been nicer, but she’s being very cold to me now, and I’m starting to doubt myself.” It might even help to show him this post if you aren’t sure you’ll be able to find the words once you get a chance to talk to him.
If your mom gets angry about you saying something, then say, “I just don’t understand your need to hide your behavior. If something you have said or done can’t be repeated, then maybe don’t do it.”” mini_souffle
10. AITJ For Judging My Sister's Spending Habits?
“I (25F) live at home with my parents, while Mary (30F) lives alone in the same city. Mary, for various reasons, finds herself financially struggling often. She’s supported by government benefits and occasional payments from me, Mom, and Dad. It’s mostly me, because both my parents have said several times that they’re fed up with her requesting money, and at this point, Mary feels too guilty to ask them most of the time.
There have been multiple occasions in the past few months where she’s called telling me she doesn’t have enough money to get transport to work or to feed herself for the week, and I’m the only person she can call on.
While she occasionally makes smaller attempts to repay some of the money, it inevitably ends in her having to ask for it back and more within a month.
Calculating transactions across five years, I’ve trickled out over $8,000 to her. Not the most, but given that that many spans throughout the years and me being in university or unemployed, it was certainly money that was missed. I don’t bring it up to Mary often because I can see that it upsets her, but about twice a year, I’ll mention that I hope this loaning chain stops soon.
She’s recently gotten a full-time job, which has reduced but not stopped the requests.
Today, she called me on my lunch break, obviously very excited. She announced that she’d bought a PS5 through a pay monthly plan. Any gamer knows that this console has been hard to get at a decent price thanks to supply chain issues and scalpers, so she jumped at the chance to buy a (non-digital) console and a game for it – a purchase that’s easily over $630.
She noted that I didn’t sound as excited as her. I gently explained that I’m happy she got something she was after for so long and excused myself a few minutes later.
Human beings deserve enrichment, and I don’t believe a struggling person deserves to go without luxuries.
And yet, from the moment she told me the news, I found myself thinking that I’m not seeing any of my money back any time soon, so dropped the call before I said anything regretful. She already has my old, given to her on request after hers broke, PS4, and access to my Steam library but is set to replace it with a console with games that run for $60 apiece new.
I’m planning to start a discussion later in the month about the outstanding balance she keeps claiming she’ll pay back, but it could very easily be seen as an attack on her for spending her paycheck enjoying herself. WIBTJ for doing this?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH, but it’s a VERY, VERY nuanced Everyone Sucks Here. Stop. Enabling. Your. Sister. You are allowing her to clearly continue making REALLY incredibly stupid and irresponsible decisions, and thus enabling her misuse of your money. You have to stop. She has to learn. (no you would not be more of a jerk for saying something, in fact, you’re getting partial jerk credit for not having said something sooner.
She’s a grown-up; she needs to act like it.” peithecelt
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – but I would reflect on how you loaning her money in the past, not getting repaid, and then loaning her more has enabled her behavior. As a general rule, I never loan a dime out to family and expect it back.
Unfortunately, it just leads to major conflict, and it’s not worth it. Sit her down and discuss an amount that she can pay back weekly/fortnightly/monthly that’s in her budget. Hopefully, you can start the conversation gently with “I’m so happy you’ve found full-time work and are back on your feet, I’d like to discuss a repayment schedule on the amount owed.” Good luck, such a tough situation!” Tegsbrown
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I know you love your sister and don’t want her to struggle, but you need to cut her off. She is a 30-year-old woman who needs to learn to stand on her own two feet. Considering she just bought an expensive console, even with the monthly plans (which with interest means she’ll pay even more than just buying it outright), she isn’t really struggling that badly.
I have a feeling she is just terrible with budgeting and spends faster than she earns. Maybe her eating nothing but ramen until the next payday will get her to tighten the belt a bit and stop spending so recklessly. Your parents have already cut her off.
Time to do the same. Don’t feel guilty; she is old enough to take care of herself.” Caspian4136
9. AITJ For Blowing Up At My Parents For Comparing Me To My Dead Brother?
“I (F17) grew up with my mother, father, my grandparents, and my sister. My brother, who died 2 years before my birth is a big no-go topic in our household, which I can understand.
As I already mentioned, two years after my brother passed away, I came to the world. Recently, I found out that I was an accident and wasn’t planned. However, when I was a much younger child, I wanted attention from my parents, like every child does.
Yet, I had to grow up with less attention from my parents.
Why? Because every time my parents looked at my face, they only saw my brother in it, and that hurt them. My sister, who is five years older than me, gave me all the attention my parents were supposed to give me.
She took more care of me than my parents did because the only thing they saw in me was a representation of their dead child. I hated this feeling. I had to grow up with this crappy feeling. My parents once even told me that if I were a boy, they would’ve named me after my brother.
When I turned about 14 years old, puberty hit me and changed my mindset, and I finally had the courage to speak up on that topic.
But when I did, my mother started crying, and my father yelled at me for being so disrespectful. They told me that losing their child was one of the worst things that had ever happened to them, and I should take more care about what I say.
After that, I never opened this topic again, but recently, my mother and I had this talk, about whether I want children or not. And then she brought my brother up again. She again compared me to my brother. And I was so sick of it.
I told her to stop, which turned into an argument, and ended up with my mother crying about my brother again. I was so sick of this, so I left the house and stayed over at my sister’s place.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I am in an extremely similar situation regarding parents projecting their dead child onto the living child.
Their grief must be unfathomable, but that does not mean you deserve less. I wish I had more advice, but I’m honestly still struggling with how it affected my family, and I’m 30.
Know your worth and build a strong support network (that goes beyond just your parents).
Your parents have demonstrated they can’t be there for you regarding this issue, and while that is on them, you can still be your own advocate. Maybe someday your parents will realize how lucky they are that you are here, and you are your own person that they can know and treasure in a different way to that of your late brother.
Your parents need to properly grieve, but that is 100% NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. You can suggest therapy, and you can speak with them openly and lovingly about how their behavior affects you and your relationship with them.
I’m sorry you are going through this, and I hope you find peace.” DNAzure
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Losing a child is something that horrifies me. I cannot imagine the pain your parents feel. But. They have other living children that need them. They are so focused on the one who is gone that they are missing out on everything with the children they have.
Your parents screwed up. Plain and simple. They died when your brother did, and you were left with shells of parents. I’m so sorry.
I think you might have to go low contact or no contact with them for your own well-being. If your “parents” have a problem with it, just flat out tell them, “You haven’t been involved in MY life ever.
You don’t even know ME. You don’t even SEE ME!” Put it on a scale. The things that benefit you having them in your life on one side. The things that hurt you on the other. I can see which side is hitting the ground.
Get rid of that weight, honey.” zipper1919
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! Losing a child is devastating. Dumping on another child because of it is cruel.
A similar thing happened in my extended family. There were two children, a girl and a boy, about 4 years apart.
The boy died of cancer when he was 9. The doctors pressured the mother to get pregnant and have another child to replace the dead son. The mother reluctantly agreed and had a daughter. From her birth, she took out all her grief and anger on the girl – calling her stupid, telling her she was unwanted. You can imagine how that girl grew up.
Only after her parents’ death did she find some measure of peace and contentment.
Your parents are grieving their dead son. You need to grieve the parents you deserved but never had and then let them go. You can be polite and kind to them if you feel you can, but don’t let them into your feelings.
And do your best to break away and find friends and a support system apart from your parents – your sister is a good start.” DawnShakhar
8. AITJ For Making My Mom Choose Between Her Biological Family And Her Step Family?
“For context, my (23F) mom (42F) and I have generally always gotten along. She married my stepdad (45M) about 14 years ago.
He has 3 kids (24F, 22M, and 20F), and my mom has 2 kids (23F and 19F). My sister and I were never a priority in our house. We always came last to my step-siblings. All of my step-siblings have kids, and I am currently 25 weeks pregnant with my first. I do not live with my mom.
I am married and living on my own even though it’s only a few blocks away from my mom’s house.
My oldest step-sister has hated me for about a year now. We would get in fights just like regular sisters do, but I got tired of always apologizing just because she wouldn’t let me or my mom see my niece (5F) until I apologized. I didn’t want to be the reason my mom didn’t get to see her granddaughter.
Now my step-sister refuses to come around to anything I will be at. Family functions, our parents’ house, Christmas, Thanksgiving, anything. My stepdad told me I couldn’t go to 3 of my grandparents’ houses for Christmas because she wanted to go. I didn’t fight back because I didn’t want to be the reason my grandmas didn’t get to see my niece.
The other day, I was at my mom’s house, and she and my stepdad told me to leave because they wanted my step-sister and niece to come over and I wasn’t allowed over. I had been there for hours at that point. If they had come to talk to me and told me that they wanted to come over it would be a different story.
But they just kicked me out, no warning, nothing. I don’t want to separate the family, and I want my child to have the opportunity to play with their cousins and not have to deal with tension from family members and not have to deal with being told they have to leave because someone else wants to come over.
I don’t know what to do anymore because I know I have to do what’s going to make my child happy in the long run. So am I the jerk?
Forgot to mention why we were fighting. She wanted me to help her get a house and a car.
I told her I could co-sign for a car, but as I’m only 23 years old, I couldn’t get approved to co-sign on a house. She accused me of hiding finances and saying that I own my house. I do not own my house.
I am renting from a friend. She said that if I didn’t give her $30,000 for a down payment, she would tell our parents, and I told her to go ahead and tell them because I would not be giving her that much money. She has always been petty like this, and when someone doesn’t give her exactly what she wants.
She. Goes. Crazy.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mother has already chosen, and it’s not you. Take a page out of your younger sister’s book and cut them all off. I mean, what do these people contribute to your life? They treat you like garbage.
You say you want your kid to play with their cousins, but if their parents/your step-siblings are treating you like dirt, what in the world makes you think that these cousins will treat any kids you have any differently?! I’m really baffled as to why you are practically delivering yourself on a silver platter to be mistreated by your so-called family.
Your husband is your family. Focus on him and your little family. Stop being your family’s punching bag.” AlannaAdvice
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As for your mother and her new family, it’s time to go NC. I have half siblings and while we are NC with each other, I know none of them would ever expect me to give them $30,000.
Why do they even think you have $30,000? I have never met a young couple who had that much lying around unless they received an inheritance. If you have money put aside, don’t give it to her. She needs to get off of her lazy butt and earn her own money.
You use your savings to help your child. Also, you do realize that your mother and step-siblings are going to treat your child like garbage. Your mother only allows you around to take her frustrations out on you. Don’t put your child through that.
Your mother is never going to love you like a mother should. She has displayed that over and over. Cut all contact with them and move away from them. It’s time you find happiness and love for yourself.” Sunflower-Morning
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all.
Your parents are the real jerks. You need to stop being a people pleaser though. Stop reaching out to your mom. Your step-sister is a bully — there’s no reason you at 23 should give her 30 grand for a down payment on a house or co-sign for a car.
Your mom neglected you and your sister for real, and it sounds like your stepdad is the main bully and the reason his daughters are bullies. Cut them out. Don’t give them any more time.” deleted
7. AITJ For Being Upset That My Mother-In-Law Let My Kids Around My Brother-In-Law's Family?
Boundaries were made and broken.
“I’ve been with my husband for a total of over 15 years now, married for 2.
I moved into his family’s house with him when we were both 16 and developed a close relationship with his mom. So close to the point that I even call her mom. My husband has an older sister and a younger brother. His younger brother is married, but his wife and I never got along.
We’ve had a lot of issues in the past (years ago), and it got really bad to the point where my husband and I moved out of his parents’ house and cut off contact with everyone.
Fast forward to present time, his brother’s wife has tried to make amends with me multiple times over the years since it’s been years, and we both have kids now, like buying me/husband and our kids gifts for Christmas, reaching out via my MIL, etc. But I wasn’t having any of it and refuse to have any contact with her or allow my kids to have any contact with her kids (she has 3).
My MIL HATES that we don’t get along and that every holiday she has to have two celebrations since she can’t have everyone together. She tried to stay neutral and not take sides but it’s obvious that she just wants her family to be together again.
My daughters (5F) (1F) stay with my MIL from Monday to Friday while my husband and I work. They’re at my MIL’s house more than they’re at ours. A few days ago, my eldest daughter was talking to me about her week with Grandma. She said she and her sister met some new friends this week and started giving the names of her 3 cousins, the ones we don’t speak to.
Apparently, my MIL went to visit my BIL and his wife/their kids and took my kids with them since they’re with her all the time. MIL never mentioned this to me at all, and I presume wasn’t planning on telling me.
So I confronted my MIL and asked why she did this and didn’t tell me?
She explained that it’s been over 10 years, and she is sick of keeping her grandkids away from each other and having this divide in the family. She said the fact that her sons don’t speak has been killing her for years, and she doesn’t think it’s fair that my kids and my BIL’s kids have never met due to some stupid drama that happened years ago.
I told her I don’t want my kids having anything to do with my BIL, his wife, or their kids and that she needs to respect this or I will find somewhere else to leave my kids during the week. She was obviously upset about this.
I was talking to my SIL (husband’s older sister) and my niece about this, and to my surprise, they think this is kinda a jerk move on my part. They said that they don’t think it’s fair that my kids won’t get to ever build a relationship with their cousins due to some drama that happened over 10 years ago.
They also said my MIL is doing my husband and me a favor by watching our kids Monday-Friday without getting paid a cent and that I shouldn’t give her such a hard time.
Was this a jerk move on my part?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You expect to control your MIL’s activities 5 of 7 days a week while she raises your kids? You need to accept that when you have someone else doing that much parenting on your behalf, you won’t approve of everything that happens. If you expect that she would never see her other grandchildren on any of the 250 days a year she raises your children, you’re out of your mind.
Do find other arrangements because I seriously doubt it will work out for you.” wildferalfun
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You want free childcare? The kids get to play with their cousins. I think everyone is more than a little bit over this vendetta you have with your SIL.
You have dragged this on for 10 years now, she is sorry for some time she did when she was very young and has tried to make amends multiple times. Have a mediated conversation with her and get over it. For everyone’s sake. It’s now YOUR turn to apologize to the whole family for holding them all hostage to pander to your ego.” Infusion-delusion
Another User Comments:
“ESH. You’ve made it very clear that you want nothing to do with SIL and her family. MIL shouldn’t be going behind your back to introduce your daughters to their cousins. She ignored your boundary. However, you suck way more than your MIL.
You’re holding a grudge over stupid drama. And since your MIL is taking care of your children 5 days a week that drastically limits the amount of time she can see her other grandchildren. Is she only allowed to see that part of her family on the weekend?” buttercupgrump
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Since MIL wants to stay neutral, find someone else to watch your kids. End of story. MIL will not stop interacting with BIL, SIL, and kids so just cut the cord and walk away. If nothing was done/said by MIL for 10 years, don’t get involved now.
Anyone can offer an apology but you don’t have to accept it. Especially if you do not believe it to be sincere.” Fun_Positive_3722
6. AITJ For Refusing To Share My Expensive Shampoo With My Partner's Children?
It was fine in the beginning but then things got out of hand.
“I (27F) have been with my partner (27M) for two years.
He has two little girls, 6 & 7 from a previous marriage. Every weekend, I would sleep over and leave my shampoo and conditioner there. Lately, I noticed that my shampoo has been running out really fast. For example, it’s brand new, and within 2-3 weeks it’s already half empty or less than half empty.
The only people who are living with my partner are him, his two kids, his mother, and his half-brother. They have their bathroom, so I know it isn’t them who use it.
My partner has his own he uses, and the girls have theirs also.
We bought a fresh new one for them, and it ran out within the next week. We found out that they have been using theirs for bubble baths, and when they run out, they would use mine. Now I don’t mind them using it if it’s for their hair, but my shampoos are expensive.
They cost at least $20 per bottle. After that happened on multiple occasions, I stopped leaving it in the restroom and kept it hidden in the room.
One day, the kids were going to shower, so they told my partner they didn’t have any shampoo, and my partner asked if they could use mine.
I said fine and put some in the travel size for them. I told my partner he needs to go and buy them a new bottle, and he should tell them to stop using it for bubble baths or buy a bubble bath one separately.
Well, when they finished, my partner went to use the restroom, and turns out, they used all of it again for bubble baths only. They didn’t wash their hair.
The next day, the same thing happened, and my partner asked me again. I told him no, I’m not going to give them anymore.
It’s not my problem because you knew they were out, and you were supposed to go buy them a new one. We got into an argument over it, so I told him to let them use his, but they didn’t want to. They said it’s boy shampoo.
I stood my ground and said no. He needs to teach them to stop doing that.
Well, the argument led to them letting their mom know about it. She called my partner and called me a greedy witch. That they are just kids and it’s just shampoo.
I can always go buy some more. I then told my partner, why doesn’t she go buy it then? She’s hardly in their life, and they only see her every other weekend. My partner didn’t say anything, but I can tell he agrees with her.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Premium shampoo is expensive. It’s unclear if you have told your partner exactly how much. I would continue to lock up my premium shampoo/conditioner. Your man needs to buy them their own shampoo or kiddy bubble bath. Your partner should find out what brands their mom uses.
You might consider giving them a bottle/box of kiddy bubble bath and show them that they don’t need to empty the bottle/box in the bathtub. Although, it would be better if their dad took responsibility for this.” AgeLower1081
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I’m hurting just hearing about this.
Don’t leave your expensive shampoo at your man’s house! Using salon shampoo as bubble bath is not it. And if your partner knew how much it cost or if he had to replace it, he would get himself quick to a big box store and buy a giant bottle of inexpensive shampoo and bubble bath for his daughters.
“It’s just shampoo” until they have to shell out $20 for a bottle.” uwe0x123
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Pricey shampoo should not be wasted like that and it adds up FAST. 2 options. 1: Have him buy shampoo for them and keep yours locked away when you’re not in the shower.
2: Buy a bulk-size bottle of the cheapest bubble bath you can find and then use it to fill an empty bottle of your shampoo. The kids don’t know what they’re doing and are innocent in this. But by doing this they can use “your shampoo” and get bubble baths.
Win-win.” TheOneWhoToots
5. AITJ For Refusing To Drive My Next-Door Neighbor's Daughters To School?
“My friend, who also lives next door to me, has 2 young daughters who go to the same elementary school as my son. We tried having them all ride together, every day, in my car, but they were frequently late. My son is autistic and needs extra care in dealing with his feelings.
As he is almost 10 (in March), he has gotten a little better at explaining how he is feeling.
A few months ago, he started saying he didn’t want to ride to school with the girls. It took some time to figure out why, but eventually, he said he just wanted to ride with me.
I asked him if that was because he likes to have that time to talk about what will happen that day, and he said yes. I also think he needs that time to try and get his mind ready to be at school all day.
My son started getting upset every morning when he saw them getting into my car. We tried having them only ride with us for a couple of days a week, but most times they weren’t ready when we were, and my son would still be upset that they were coming with.
My friend got very upset when I told her the girls couldn’t ride with us anymore. She said I was being hurtful to her and the girls, and that I was purposefully excluding them. But, I have to make sure my son gets to school in a “good head space” so he can have a calm and stress-free start to his day.
It’s been about 2 months since the change. My friend asked me today to do her an “ongoing favor.” Drive her girls 2x a week so she can take her teenage son to a chiropractor appointment before school. But the situation for my son hasn’t changed. I told her no. She then asked what excuse did I have this time.
In my opinion, whether we’re friends or not, asking someone for a favor does not mean the other person is required to say yes. My son doesn’t want to ride with them, not because of them but because of his own needs. I told him his feelings are valid, and no one has the right to tell him otherwise.
So, AITJ for not driving her kids to school because my son gets upset and goes to school mad?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you need to think about your son’s wellbeing, and doing this when he has told you why he doesn’t like it, will make him feel like his feelings aren’t valid and you don’t care about them.
I was him going up. I hated loud noises and having lots of kids over (2 younger half-siblings) triggered some episodes, and I was told to stop being a drama queen. I would tell my mom how I felt, and she didn’t acknowledge how I felt OR change what she/my siblings wanted to do.
I ended up finding a quiet place in music and video games.” Kattiaria
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What excuse do you have this time? How about no one is entitled to make anyone do them favors?! Fair enough for asking, however, she is being an ableist jerk.
It would be like having a go at you for not leaving your son’s wheelchair at home so you could fit her kids in your car. Your son has different needs than other people, one of which is a quiet, calm time in the morning to prepare for the day ahead.
Therefore, the “excuse” is you can’t take them and give your son what he needs to function well at school. She’s being ignorant. Feel free to tell her so. Sincerely, an autist.” mynamecouldbesam
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I have no experience with autistic children, personally, but have friends who do…and my hat’s off to you and any other parent who lives that life, daily.
I don’t know if I could, in all honesty. You seem to be doing a beautiful job, especially regarding validating your son’s feelings and accommodating your life/schedule/habits to conform to what he believes he needs or what he wants/prefers, and ewwww to your “friend,” purposely excluding her and her daughters?
From what, exactly? Their earned or God-given right to bum rides in your vehicle? No, just…no. I’d reassess that friendship if I were you and stick to your guns on not taking those kids to school. Their mother is responsible for figuring that out, on her own.” IceolatedAF
4. AITJ For Embarrassing My Friend In Front Of A Girl?
“I have a friend who has to top every single story he hears. If you got a new dog his cousin just adopted a wolf. If you rented a cool car on vacation he spent way more money and rented a Ferrari on his last vacation.
If your kid scored a goal at hockey, his got a hat trick. It kind of drives me nuts.
It can be super inconsequential things too. I mentioned once that I had just tried a new pizza place and he had to say that the pizza in NYC is so much better.
It’s just ridiculous.
Friday night we were at a party and I was talking to a girl who was telling me about her trip to Costa Rica. He got into our conversation and started talking. Asked the girl if I could grab her a drink.
I did not want any part of it.
When I came back he was telling her all about our trip there and all the birds and wild animals he saw. He was going on about everything. I just kept my mouth shut and wished he would go away.
When the girl asked me about the trip I just said it was a good trip and that we had gone there for a friend’s wedding. She asked to see any pictures I had. When she looked at them she started laughing. She said that we had gone to Puerto Rico, not Costa Rica.
My friend just kind of dropped his shoulders and went away. I ended up having a great night with her and we might see each other again soon. She told me she thought my buddy was a tool though. I guess he had been telling her about hiking to see the wild toucans.
Which do not exist in Puerto Rico.
My friend came over yesterday and he said I was a jerk for embarrassing him like that. I guess he thinks I should just have lied to her about what country we went to? He constantly lies to women so I guess he thought I should too.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you didn’t create the elaborate fake story. Having said this, be very careful. You’ve already discussed this “friend” behind his back with this girl. You two don’t need to discuss him any further. Don’t fall into jerk territory as you get to know her.
It’s one thing to discuss other friends when asking for advice, but it’s completely another to disparage someone behind their back even if they deserve it. Focus on having the kind of conversation you would have had if your “friend” hadn’t butted in.
As far as a response, all you need to tell your friend is that a) you don’t lie as a matter of principle, and b) you had walked away to get the drinks so you had no idea what he had said. You’re sorry that he was embarrassed, but you couldn’t have known that was coming.” OkSeat4312
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But chances are your friend’s compulsion to lie is not going to get any better. I’m guessing you are rapidly approaching that age when potential partners will be judging you based on the company you keep. It’s not fair but it is a reality you need to confront.
I know it would annoy me to have to put up with this guy every time we went to a party or social event.” autotelica
Another User Comments:
“NTJ—I had a friend in childhood do the exact same thing every single time we were together.
She did the whole “one-up” shtick for stuff as small as something I saw in passing to big things like me getting a car (super crappy first car) and her apparently getting a convertible (never happened lol). These types of people are insufferable and brimming with insecurity.” devynsunflowers
3. AITJ For Expecting My Husband To Do All The Cleaning When He Has People Over?
“My husband ordered a complicated, multi-session board game two years ago, and it finally arrived. We’d like to start having people over a couple of times a month to play. He sat me down and told me to think about whether I could handle the responsibility of getting the house company-ready and taking a night off from schoolwork once or twice a month.
Our house is typically more cluttered than dirty. While I really want to do this, this is his game; these are his friends. He works long hours at a high-paying, high-stress job. I am a stay-at-home mom and part-time grad student, responsible for the bulk of the housecleaning.
I increased my course load this semester and am really struggling. I want to tell him if he wants to do this, he has to spend his evening the day before doing the extra cleaning himself. AITJ if I try and put the responsibility for hosting on him in this case?”
Another User Comments:
“Nobody’s the jerk. If it’s for both of you, then both of you need to pitch in. Fair to everyone. If he has a level of clean he wants, he needs to roll his sleeves up. Sit HIM down and say you’ve had a chance to think, and he’s right.
You don’t have time to be doing the deep cleaning he wants. He needs to take the lead, and you can pitch in, but you don’t have the mental space to be house manager on this one.” Decent_Ad6389
Another User Comments:
“Op, I’m seeing several points in your comments that are concerning.
1. Your husband sits you down to ask about how you, not both of you, will handle the additional responsibilities of cleaning for guests.
2. You are a SAHM and in grad school currently, but you state you are doing the lion’s share of chores around the house and cleaning.
3. Your husband works full-time in a high-stress job but is still gaming 20 hours a week and wants to add more gaming time rather than helping manage the house chores he is so concerned with. And this is the one that pushed it over the edge to concern me.
4. The friends that are local are all his. You have friends, but you state they are far away due to moves; i.e. you are separated from your support network. A very common control tactic is to isolate a partner from friends and family.
Obviously, I’m not in your position; I don’t know your relationship.
But I do know my husband never has put me in the position you are in. Take a hard look at your relationship, and you are NTJ in this situation.” Grey_Mare
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You already do the bulk of the domestic chores, you raise your children, and you’re going to school.
You’re willing to pitch in extra time, but not to the degree your husband wants. It doesn’t matter whether you want to play or not, your husband needs to close the gap between what you already do and what he wants. He can pitch in or hire a service to do some of the cleaning, allowing you to put your energy towards some extra decluttering.
Sounds like you could benefit from and enjoy a little extra help on that front!” Phyesalis
2. AITJ For Yelling At My Dad After He Lectured My Brother?
“My brother (23m) was dumb and invested a lot of his savings in crypto. He bought at the peak, sold at the bottom, and lost a lot of funds. He’s been depressed/anxious about this and beating himself up over it.
My dad (48m) is ironically a financial advisor and found out today when my brother admitted it.
He had told my brother and me not to invest in crypto when we joked about dogecoin last year and he told us millions of times to diversify diversify diversify. Well, my brother didn’t listen to any of that, and my dad when he found out started being a total craphead to my brother (in my opinion).
Saying things like, “Tell me you’re joking. You’re joking, right?! Why on Earth would you do such a dumb thing,” “I told you millions of times last year not to buy crypto! You should only be buying diversified mutual index funds,” “You made these choices, and now you’re learning your expensive lesson.” Things that are NOT HELPFUL and not serving any purpose other than to fill my dad’s ego and make my brother feel even worse.
Like seriously, why even say these things?
I (22f) told my dad to shut up since he’s not adding anything to the conversation (by the way, my brother at this point was near tears). My dad got mad at me and maybe I went overboard, I was very upset for my brother, I screamed at my dad that this is exactly why my brother and I never confide in him about anything important, and we go to our mom (they’re divorced) instead since my mom actually has empathy.
He yelled back that he does have empathy. I said if he did, then I wouldn’t be so excited to remove him from my life when I’m older and not be financially dependent on him.
Now we are not speaking. He didn’t even apologize to my brother either.
My brother left and is probably still depressed.
I feel bad now for making my dad so upset, but also, I feel like he reacted so crappy to my brother for no reason! But now I feel guilty. I also live with him currently.
AITJ for screaming at him for what he said to my brother?”
Another User Comments:
“I don’t necessarily agree with how your dad expressed his anger, but his anger at your brother was 100% justified. Your dad gave your brother some extremely solid advice on an area that he is a recognized expert on, and your brother straight-up ignored him and did the exact opposite.
What your brother did was a slap in the face to your dad as well as extremely bad financially for himself.
Also, it seems very likely that a chunk of the finances your brother lost was given to him by your mom and dad and other family members and not just funds he may have earned himself.
It may have been your brother’s finances legally, but it was funds gifted to him by his family to be used for his future, and he utterly squandered it. That disrespects everyone who gifted him those funds. Your brother’s actions put him in a bad situation, and it also puts everyone else who wants to support him and see him succeed in a bad situation too.
I’m sure your dad is feeling that.
Had you merely defended your brother, I would say that you’re not the jerk, but unfortunately, you went so far beyond that with a cheap shot.
“I screamed at my dad that this is exactly why my brother and I never confide in him about anything important, and we go to our mom (they’re divorced) instead since my mom actually has empathy.
He yelled back that he does have empathy. I said if he did, then I wouldn’t be so excited to remove him from my life when I’m older and not be financially dependent on him.”
This is why YTJ.” HarveySnake
Another User Comments:
“My dad is a builder, and if he says, “Don’t do that; it’ll cause an accident,” then I won’t do it.
If he was a doctor and said, “You need to exercise more,” I’d be running a marathon. If he is a lawyer and says, “Read the contract,” I’ll be writing an essay on what the contract entails. If my dad was a fireman and he said, “Keep a fire extinguisher in the house,” I’d be sleeping with it.
Point is, your brother got expert advice, for free, and decided to do the exact opposite for no reason other than his ego. Your dad feels betrayed that his own son would blow such funds despite his constant warnings and cause a huge financial loss.
He is disappointed that his son did not have the ability to judge the situation and react accordingly. And now he is heartbroken by the fact that you only see him as a piggybank when he expressed his disappointment at his son’s gigantic failure that would never have happened had he actually listened.
YTJ, and he deserves better than the two of you.” Key-Tie2214
Another User Comments:
“ESH – it’s apparent that since both you and your brother are still financially dependent upon your dad, being 22 and 23, and with him being a financial advisor, it’s why he was so upset with your brother for going against completely what his livelihood has been used to provide for your family.
Yes, he should have been more empathetic to the situation, but you just don’t know how lucky you and your brother are to have someone who had financial knowledge to share in making well-informed decisions to become financially independent, instead of those of us who had to make years of mistakes and waste countless amounts of funds.
Your dad has likely been giving you extremely valuable worthwhile advice to set you up for life because he loves you.” NumbersGuy22
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Your dad went overboard on yelling at your brother, but (at least from where I sit) it’s likely he’s upset/anxious as a parent at your brother making such a poor life/financial decision and destroying his financial situation.
I can imagine what he feels when he’s a professional financial manager and seeing his own son do something honestly quite stupid financially and against even basic financial sense would make him feel disappointed and angry, probably at himself most of all.
My dad was in a similar profession and took every tiny financial misstep I made as a new adult deeply personally… but lectured me/yelled at me similarly.
Screaming at your dad also did not help, and you said hurtful things like wanting to cut him off. Your brother has shown he’s not a responsible adult with his finances (ie, investing all his savings in a volatile asset without diversifying/being able to handle losses), and while I’m sure he feels bad, he really should be using some sort of financial planner and/or tools (perhaps not your dad) to make better choices with his finances.
You say your father acted terribly to your brother “for no reason,” but I think what you mean is he overreacted… as there is a VERY good reason why he was upset/disappointed.
Since you live with your dad… It may be worth apologizing for yelling, and asking your dad if it’s possible he got mad at your brother because he was disappointed since he is a financial advisor.
It might open your dad up and help him apologize/reconnect with your bro.” Independent-Length54
1. AITJ For Yelling At My Sister For Not Telling Me My Daughter Snuck Out?
“I (35f) live with my husband (35) and our 2 children Madison (14) and Katie (11).
My sister Amanda (29) also lives with us. We have an agreement: she doesn’t have to pay rent but helps with groceries and watches the girls when needed or gets them to or from school.
Our daughter Madison is a lot of work. She skips school and sneaks out.
Amanda was very similar to Madison at this age.
Our dog had gotten out a few days ago, so I was replaying our outdoor video cameras to see if he came back for the food I left out in the middle of the night. Instead, I see Amanda leaving and then pulling up again around 45 minutes later at 3 am.
She then gets out of her car, goes around to the passenger side, and pulls out Madison, who is literally stumbling, Amanda’s practically carrying her in. You could tell she was intoxicated. I was so mad. I went straight to Amanda’s room and asked her what the heck that was.
She then admitted to me that Madison had called her really intoxicated; she had snuck out. She then told me that Madison begged her not to tell us. I was so livid. Madison was home that day from school because she was puking, I thought she caught a bug when she was just super hungover.
I started yelling that she couldn’t keep things like that from us and that Madison is 14, and we should’ve been notified immediately. I told her she betrayed my trust. Amanda just quietly apologized. I left the room, and a few minutes later, I could hear her crying.
Madison is now grounded, and refuses to talk to Amanda for “ratting her out,” and Amanda has been mostly in her room. My husband told me earlier that Amanda was talking to him about how guilty she feels for upsetting me so badly. He said she seemed really upset.
I feel bad because it’s days later, and she’s still upset, but she has to know she can’t do those things.
Info: before my sister moved in, my daughter called me many times to pick her up in the middle of the night.
She knows she can call me. I’m quiet when I pick her up; there’s no yelling or arguing. But she does have consequences the next day. In this situation, she was trying to avoid her consequences the next day.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Some people are going to tell you that you’re the jerk because your daughter needs someone to be able to call in that type of situation, and there’s some truth in that. But as a mother, I am adamant you are NTJ! When a young teen is that intoxicated, it can become a medical concern.
It would be like if you had a baby, and the baby got hurt, and your sister didn’t tell you. What if your child had poisoning? Screw what your sister thinks; she doesn’t have to live there.
Also, I would talk to your daughter and let her know that she can call you if something like that ever happens again, that she’s going to get in more trouble if she is deceptive and hiding things, and that she won’t get in trouble if she is honest and forthcoming.
Bottom line – that’s your child and not your sister’s, so it should be you calling the shots in your home.” y2kmama
Another User Comments:
“Very soft YTJ. You were understandably concerned about your very underage daughter drinking but should have taken a beat to calm down and consider a few things:
- While your sister agreed to watch your kids when you aren’t around, you’re the parent. It’s your responsibility if your kid is sneaking out after you go to sleep at night. Not hers.
- You should be more concerned that your kid didn’t feel she could call you in what I would call a dangerous situation.
- Your sister seems to understand that she’s in a no-win situation. Your daughter needed immediate adult help from someone she trusts and someone who wouldn’t make a bad situation worse. Your sister knew she would pay a price with you by putting your daughter first, given the immediate apology she offered.
- You don’t know what was said on that ride home. I sincerely doubt your sister was supportive of dangerous behavior that pulled her out of a warm bed at 3 a.m. She’s not a co-conspirator; she’s attempting to parent a child who doesn’t trust you.
- Thank goodness your sister responded to your daughter and got her home safely! Your worried/angry energy is misdirected. In order to make sure your daughter had someone in the house she trusts, your sister kept a secret. Small price to pay for immediate safety.
Rather than blow up that relationship, you could have easily told your daughter you saw the video and that your sister didn’t betray her trust. Separately, you should have THANKED your sister for getting your kid home in one piece and talked with her about how to handle similar situations in the future.
But job one is talking to your kid about why she felt she couldn’t call you and rebuilding that relationship. Her safety is the primary concern here, not who to blame.” Cogito_ErgoBibo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – as her parent, you are legally responsible for her health and well-being.
You should have been told. My first guess is that Amanda was so quiet and is acting so down because she feels guilty. It makes sense she would have felt incredibly conflicted about telling you versus betraying your daughter’s trust. Additionally, it’s possible she was thinking of Madison’s well-being.
If Madison knows she’s “safe” to call Amanda, she will before the crap really hits the fan.
My advice is: go talk to Amanda. Take her out to do something sisterly and have an open and honest conversation with her about the incident, about Madison, and about why she chose to handle it the way she did.
And as long as you’re in a reflective mood, consider this: the next time your wild child decides to make a dumb decision that leaves her wasted and out of her depth at 2 am, who will she call? And why did she feel she couldn’t call you?
Trying to deal with your daughter’s destructive behaviors must be incredibly frustrating and more than a little bit frightening, but simply cracking down harder isn’t working on anything but making her sneakier. Maybe a little insight into why will give you the tools to do what discipline alone can’t.” braidedpotato
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You previously had a trusting and close relationship with Madison as evidenced by her calling you for help when intoxicated. But that relationship has changed. She’s skipping school and sneaking out without your knowledge. Clearly, you are no longer a strong influence over her behavior nor are you the person she will share her secrets with now.
And I get it, that sucks. You’re probably hurt. Yes, it’s normal teen development, but it still hurts.
Here’s the thing – Madison DID have a close and trusting relationship with an adult who cares about her wellbeing. While you might prefer that it’s you, that preference is unimportant.
What matters is that even though she no longer feels close to you, she had someone responsible that she would turn to when in an unsafe situation. And…you just ruined that relationship. This makes you the jerk in my eyes because you’re prioritizing your wants over your daughter’s safety.
She isn’t going to go back to turning to you. She’s going to ask the friend who isn’t quite as intoxicated to drive her home instead, or she’ll stay in an unsafe situation because it’s easier than dealing with you. This isn’t smart parenting and it isn’t fair to Madison for you to let your emotions block a safe alternative for her.
It’s fair to be upset, but you should ultimately be glad that Madison is willing to call an adult for help even if she no longer turns to you anymore.” thoughtandprayer
Another User Comments:
“Going against the grain to say ESH. Your sister should have told you, yes, and she shouldn’t have promised your daughter she’d keep it from you – you needed to know.
She’s the jerk for that. But by blowing up at her, especially before confronting your daughter, you destroyed the trust your daughter had in her and made it less likely your daughter will feel safe calling -you- as she has in the past. That makes you the jerk as well.
She’s at an age where she needs every trusted adult she can get, particularly mentors who have been through similar things, and especially if she has a problem with substances (which it sounds like she might). Now, she can’t call you without fear you may blow up at her like you did to your sister, and she can’t call your sister without fear of you being told and blowing up at both of them.
Had you gone to her first, explained your concerns over the camera footage you saw, and asked her to come clean, it would have allowed you to reinforce your relationship with her. Then you could have gone to your sister and told her off for keeping this from you, without wrecking their relationship.
That aside though… if this is something your daughter does regularly, you need to get her help. Substance use is a very dangerous spiral – don’t wait until it’s too late. Is she using this to cope with something else? Is it a social thing?
Having a serious talk with her is a good start, and consider getting her a therapist as well. She’s potentially just lost trust in 2 mentor figures, and if she’s already struggling, that could easily push her over the edge.” sci_fi_bi
I also agree with PP that your sister made the right judgement call at the time: to rescue the kid and respect her confidence. It's quite likely that the core of this is something other than teenage intoxication, which your daughter doesn't feel safe telling you about. First, make her feel safe, then see if she wants to tell you what the problem is.
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