People Discuss Their Distressing "Am I The Jerk?" Stories With Us

"I (43M) was married for 23 years. We got married at a young age because of religious ideas, I was 18 and she was 19. I was inexperienced before and things were fine for some time. We had two kids: Sol (22F) and Eric (20M).

We come from a very religious background, but with time, we decided to not raise our children in the same environment, mostly because we knew it was messed up and I didn't want to raise them the same way I was raised. We always aimed to be very open and for them to be free as they wanted. We always talked and supported them on their decisions and feelings.

I wasn't happy in our marriage, but I didn't want to get a divorce while the kids were home so I waited until they went to college to get a divorce. It was okay, she was expecting it, and the marriage was dead.

After that I had some time to adjust myself, I started going out, meeting people, seeing other women again, and having experiences I didn't have before.

With time, I started going out with men, going to clubs, and saunas, and then I started going out with guys in bars, but I didn't know how to tell that to the kids. I talked with my ex-wife and she said 'They don't need to know now, wait until you have a partner, that you're more sure of yourself and then you introduce him to them'. This conversation was 9 months ago and I haven't gone out with anyone seriously since then. I left that in the back of my mind.

At the beginning of the year, I was talking with a friend and he told me to install the G app, I had heard about it before, but I was a little bit afraid of installing it, afraid of rejection.

Last Tuesday I received a text from Eric with screenshots of my profile saying 'Oh my God, Dad? Are you out of your mind?' I didn't know how to react and I tried to call him, but there wasn't any answer. I called Sol, we FaceTimed, I explained the situation, and I came out to her, she was quiet, but after she texted me saying 'You're my father after all'.

Since then I have been trying to talk with Eric, but he's acting very badly towards me. He says that I embarrassed him and our family, that I am not 'acting like a man' and being very mean to me, his mom, and his sister.

During the weekend he came home, his mom tried to talk with him and he said that he was quitting college so he could earn his own money because he didn't want any of my money or even to ever see me again. I went there, but he refused to talk with me and I think he might have blocked my number.

One of my friends thinks that the problem is that he learned like that and that I was a jerk for not coming out to them before. Am I the jerk for not coming out to him?"

Another User Comments:

"A soft YTJ for not telling your kids before, for exactly this reason.

I can't imagine how hard your situation is, but your kids deserved to hear that from you, even if you weren't 100% where you fall on the spectrum. And you should have told them for all of you, so you can be your authentic self, and they could then have a real relationship with their father. Hopefully, your son will come around, but I can understand him being upset at finding out this way. I also can't help but wonder how he found those pics. Was he on the app too? " Live-Pomegranate4840

Another User Comments:

"YTJ. You dropped so many emotional bombs on your kids in the past few years.

You let your kids believe that you and your mother were 'happily' married until they were in college and then dropped a bomb on the kids because they weren't in the home anymore. You robbed yourself and your wife of years of happiness. You finally explored yourself and instead of being discreet, you went to an app, in a small conservative country. I don't think it's because you might be bi/gay, I think it's because you're not the father he knew. It's less about the app but more about how he found out. You should have listened to your instincts and told your kids, who cares if you're in a relationship they should have known. NTJ for exploring your sexuality." Reddit User