People Want To Settle Their "Am I The Jerk?" Situations
25. AITJ For Leaving To The Airport Without My Sister?
“Both my (23F) sister (21F) and my mom are always late. My dad and I prefer to be early, so it drives us nuts (probably me more than him). She has made me late for countless events over the years.
We are currently in another province for my cousin’s wedding, and when we booked our flights a month ago we discussed that I would have to drive everyone to the airport because my sister and mom don’t drive, and my dad has a knee condition that makes it a bit painful for him to drive right now.
The week before the trip, I started preparing my sister for the fact that I would not tolerate her making us late for the flight. Traveling makes me anxious, and I prefer to allow extra time in case any hiccups arise. Because the airport we were flying out of is incredibly busy it was suggested that everyone arrive two hours prior to departure, and I said I wanted to allow an extra half hour on top of that to be safe.
We live over 40 minutes from the airport and traffic can be unpredictable. This would mean that we would have to leave our house at 10:00 a.m.
On the day of the trip, she was still in bed at 8 am and there was no sign she’d packed. I knocked on her bedroom door and said, ‘Reminder that we are leaving at 10 am.
I’m not joking. Anyone who is not in the car at 10 am is not coming with me.’ She said she knew, and I’d already told her ‘a million times.’ Regardless, I repeated this again when she got out of the shower at 9:20.
At 9:50 we were putting bags in the car, and she was in a towel doing her hair.
I gave her a 10-minute warning and walked out the door. By 9:59 we were in the car in the driveway and there was no sign of her – my mom called her from the car and she didn’t answer. At 10:01 I started the car and my mom freaked out, saying there was no way I was actually going to leave her.
Shocker – I did.
She called my mom’s phone at 10:15 asking where on earth we were, and my mom ranted about how I was being ridiculous and there was nothing she could do. Traffic was a bit heavier than usual and we ended up getting to the airport 2 hours and 10 minutes before departure and getting to our gate 25 minutes before boarding.
I had time to get a coffee and some snacks and didn’t have to stress that we were going to miss our flight. My sister had to call an Uber which arrived as they were calling us for boarding.
Now a few days later, my mom is still ticked and says I should at least pay my sister back for the Uber, my sister isn’t speaking to me except when absolutely necessary, and my dad thinks the situation is pretty funny.
I feel like I was justified, but I’m also open to the fact that I might have been a bit of a jerk by leaving her.
I was driving my own car that I paid for and I paid for my own plane ticket if that matters at all.
I have not and don’t intend to pay for her Uber.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It’s absolutely OK to want to be early enough for a flight so that you feel comfy (providing we’re not talking about anything objectively excessive), and as the driver for the family on this occasion, you get an extra bit of input into that decision.
More importantly – you were very very clear, on multiple occasions, that you wouldn’t be waiting, and that you were not joking or exaggerating, and she acknowledged this.
I think in your position I might have waited another 15 minutes, but that’s because I’m a pushover, and to be honest, I would prefer to have your balls!
Pay attention to your dad’s reaction, not your mum’s or sister’s, and hopefully next time your sister will respect your decisions and your time.” tthisiswhy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Sounds like your sister didn’t believe you, which implies in the past you have tried to put your foot down and didn’t follow through, for whatever reason.
I wouldn’t reimburse her, and I would tell your mom you’re tired of enabling her. She was given plenty of warning and repeated warnings.
Also, I would tell both her and your mom that next time you won’t be giving her multiple reminders. She is an adult, she can be on time or figure out how to get there on her own.
There is no reason for you to have to remind her that many times. You are not her parent.” Altairjones
24. AITJ For Not Reminding My Ex About His Visitation Schedule?
“I (30f) and my ex (29m) have a beautiful daughter together we will call Alyssa (9f).
The issue is that my ex hardly ever sees Alyssa.
While I understand that he runs his business and is an entrepreneur, I also don’t feel that excuses the fact that he has seen Alyssa less than 10 times since the start of 2020.
Recently he said he was going to pick her up, he told her and got her stoked, then he called to let me know he had to cancel bc his long-distance partner (950 miles away) wanted for him to visit and he’d agreed to.
So to be clear, he can make an almost 1000-mile trip to see a woman but not 20 minutes to see his daughter.
He wouldn’t even tell her himself, he left it up to me and my partner.
He also doesn’t bother to pay child support but brags about his income, which is all cash so not verifiable.
I don’t force the money issue as Alyssa has all she needs from me and her stepfather.
I’ve stopped asking my ex if he plans to see Alyssa or pick her up because he never does.
Now he and his family are mad saying that I never call them and I don’t make sure they remember her weekends.
In my opinion, he is in possession of the same court documents I am and it’s not my job to remind him, if it was important enough he would make an effort.
I also don’t feel responsible for making sure my child calls her family considering SHE is the child and they don’t call for her.
AITJ because I don’t reach out anymore to remind him of his visitation when he never takes it anyway?
To me, it seems so cut and dry but I have so many people telling me that I’m being petty and keeping my daughter away, which I’m not, I have NEVER told them they couldn’t have her.
I just don’t feel like it’s my job to beg for them to see her but now I’m doubting if I’m right.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I get that you don’t need the child support but if still push the issue. Put it away for college or a car.
He’s a parent and needs to step up. If it’s all cash then start recording or take screenshots of when he’s bragging. I’m sure the courts or IRS would be interested.
Your poor daughter has got to be heartbroken when he makes plans and doesn’t show.
Keep a record of the no-shows and the times he does actually show up. It might be time to go back to court to change your custody agreement.
Block his family. Or embarrass him and start sharing on social media his reasons for not seeing his kid and tag him and all his family.
I’m sure the judgment they’ll get from others won’t be pretty.
Your ex is an adult so no you don’t need to parent him as his family is saying. Maybe if they’d done a little more parenting when he needed it he wouldn’t have turned out this way.” HPNerd44
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sounds like that whole side of the family is just a bunch of entitled jerks. Your child is probably better off without them. If they can’t be bothered to make an effort to see her or talk to her, I don’t know why they think you should bend over backward.
AND I would absolutely go after the child support. You may not need it, but as a judge once reminded me, it’s not MY money – it is my child’s and they deserve it.” SatelliteBeach123
23. WIBTJ If I Don't Allow People To Use My Bathroom?
“Due to the past two years, our local theater company lost enough revenue they were forced to give up the lease on their space. The board and volunteers still exist, but obviously, productions can’t be staged the way they used to so all that’s going on are a few improv comedy shows, things that can be performed in local clubs/bars, outdoors, etc.
The teen programs have taken an especially hard hit. Theatre, especially for kids, is something I’m pretty passionate about so I offered to produce a teen show and have it staged, so to speak, in my yard. My yard is just over two acres, surrounded by tall, dense hedges so as not to get a lot of road or neighbor noise, and while half of it is wooded the other half is a broad, flat, open grassy space perfect to put down picnic blankets and set up a temporary stage.
I proposed the idea to the board and most of them happily agreed it would be a great way to have a low overhead production and fundraiser for the kids. I worked to put together a proposed budget, timeframe, and to-do checklist. One of the things I listed on our checklist was the rental of a few porta-potties.
Upon reading this line item, one of the board members became extremely disgruntled that I would not be opening up my home to show-going guests. She stated it was incredibly rude and disrespectful to have indoor bathrooms so close but force people to use outdoor facilities.
She added it would make people think we don’t trust them and we would look elitist and snobby like we think they’re going to steal things.
From my perspective, it’s pretty common to have porta potties at outdoor events and it would be the easiest solution versus having people traipse through an unfamiliar house.
Outdoors we can have multiple restrooms, I can leave my dogs inside undisturbed, and not have to worry about the mess and the traffic.
Apparently, this is unacceptable.
I won’t say I’m willing to pull the plug altogether on this project over this, but in my mind, I’m going through a pretty decent amount of trouble in the first place and it’s strange to me to have a fight start over something so seemingly petty.
WIBTJ if I went ahead with my plan for outdoor toilets and ‘banned’ attendees from my home?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The most simple solution would be a signed agreement in which this board member reimburses any potential damages or losses if they’re so comfortable risking your belongings.
If they aren’t comfortable doing that, then they can shut up! Especially because plan B doesn’t seem like it’s inviting everyone over to their home and using their bathrooms!” TheFlabbs
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re volunteering your yard, not your home.
People steal, and people are members of the general public, thus if you’re going to have a fundraiser in your yard inviting the general public to support local kids’ theater, then it is beyond prudent to keep them out of your house. This board member is nuts.
They might as well be arguing that stores shouldn’t have security cameras because customers might be offended you think they’ll steal. That’s just ridiculous.” TurtleTheMoon
I spent most of my working life as a horse trainer/riding instructor and my husband and I lived on the property that had our home and our boarding/training facility. I had porta potties for decades for the comfort and convenience of my boarders and to maintain my privacy and the security of my pets and my home, and I KNEW all those people. Not that I didn't trust them, but I don't want clients invading my home without my supervision - period.
22. WIBTJ If I Tell My Husband About The Hidden Camera In His Office?
“I (f 36) have been with my husband for 3 years, he has a 17-year-old daughter with his ex-wife ‘Judy’. Judy isn’t friendly at all and we don’t interact much. By the way, she used to live in the house I live in currently and many times she has tried to dictate how it’s run.
My husband gave her multiple warnings after she managed to damage some of our belongings and then got completely banned after she ‘accidentally’ started a fire in the kitchen.
My stepdaughter used to live with us but after her mom got banned she moved in with her and only visits on the weekends.
My stepdaughter started throwing accusations at me blaming me for getting her mom banned from her ‘old home’ but she knows what her mom did. Our relationship has been on bad terms since then but we’re still cordial at least.
Last night, I spotted a camera while cleaning my husband’s office and asked my stepdaughter about it, she got defensive and told me to leave it alone.
I asked if she had anything to do with it and demanded she tell me but she denied it til I said I’d tell my husband. She freaked out saying she had nothing to do with it except put it there per her mom’s request. I was flabbergasted and couldn’t believe what she said, she begged me not to tell my husband and promised she’d just remove it but I felt like this was big, too big to hide from him and he needed to know.
She started crying saying that her dad would punish her and then might call the police on her mom and cause permanent damage. I told her to go to her room but she still begged and promised she won’t do it again.
Tension took over the house and my stepdaughter has gone silent to the point where my husband noticed and asked what was wrong.
He is now pushing for me to talk but I feel conflicted.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – please tell him. This is really dangerous and illegal. His ex basically is stalking both of you and using your stepdaughter to do it. Your stepdaughter is being manipulated by Judy.
Your stepdaughter and your husband need some counseling because she should be no better at 17. Please stop this in its tracks. Judy’s mental health seems to be getting more and more erratic. Jesus she tried to burn down your house. Why would you keep anything Judy does a secret?
You and your husband are a team! Act like it. Your stepdaughter clearly is on Mom’s side. I would have a restraining order issued as soon as possible.” Disastrous-Draft4717
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have to tell him and you need to find out if there are more throughout the house.
If she knows the police can be called about this she knows it was illegal and wrong and did it anyway. Her mom is TERRIBLE for getting her daughter involved in a crime. Your husband needs to know and you can decide what to do from there what the next steps should be.
She definitely deserves punishment but therapy is incredibly important because her mom is out of control.” Gogowhine
21. AITJ For Giving My Doctors A Bad Review?
“I (27f) have had problems with ovarian cysts since a kid. I had my first one rupture when I was 9 and I have been hospitalized multiple times throughout my life due to ruptures.
I made an appointment with a popular local OBGYN two months in advance.
I put my history of the cysts in the intake paperwork.
Now I am a very patient person. I, myself work in healthcare and I definitely get being short-staffed and overworked, but I am not even close to exaggerating when I say I waited 2 HOURS after my appointment time to be seen.
I understood the stress of their jobs and knew there was probably a good reason, but I started to feel really uncomfortable.
The intake nurse asked me what I was in for, and I told her I have problems with cysts and before I could go into my history, she cut me off and said that it was a common problem and that it was just ovulation pain.
She asked me a few other relevant personal questions before rushing out the door. A few minutes later the OBGYN comes in and performs all the necessary exams. After that, she said she got the information from the nurse that I was there for ovulation pain.
I told her, no, I was here for problems with ovarian cysts. She told me that it really sounds like I’m here for ovulation pain, that it is pretty common, and proceeded to write me a prescription for birth control to help with it. I tried to tell her about my hospitalizations, but she just said that ovulation pain is commonly mistaken for cysts.
At this point, I just gave up. It was clear to me that the OBGYN had never even bothered to read my chart.
My results for the exams were posted to me through an app that the receptionist told me to get. On the app, there was an option to rate my experience.
After having a day or two to think about my experience waiting on my results I no longer felt upset, I was MAD. I sent them the overview of my experience and called out the whole office… the OBGYN, the intake nurse, the office management.
I told them I was very angry about my experience, and would NEVER recommend them. I told them they made me feel dismissed. They sent me an email asking to see me again for free I’m guessing so I would recant my negative rating but I refuse to go back.
Here’s where I think I may be a jerk. I told my coworker about the whole thing and she told me that my review could cost people their jobs and that I could ruin the practice with my bad review. She told me we all have bad days working in healthcare and that I should try to be more understanding given that I have more knowledge than most about how hard it is to work in healthcare during these times.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. One of the hardest things when you’ve got a chronic condition is finding a specialist who is good at dealing with your condition. If your review costs them money or jobs, it’s because they gave you lousy care and other folks are avoiding more of the same.
I have multiple chronic illnesses, and I leave doctors the reviews they’ve earned, good and bad.” KaliTheBlaze
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your healthcare professionals should be advocating on your behalf, not dismissing you. It doesn’t matter how rough their day is, there is no excuse to ignore you.
I know doctors are overworked, but that’s the single most important profession where quality vs quantity matters. They take an oath to do no harm, by ignoring you and your medical history and pushing a potentially unnecessary medication on you they’re breaking that oath.” acartia
20. WIBTJ If I Kick My Roommate Out For Using The Bathroom Too Much?
“I (23F) have had this roommate (22F) for about 7-8 months. My last roommate was my best friend but she moved out to go live with her partner. Living with her was a blast and I never had any problems. Once she told me her plans to move out, I started looking for a new roommate since I wouldn’t be able to afford to live on my own (I go to school and work part-time).
I got two offers and one was from a girl in my friend circle. I wasn’t the closest with her but we definitely knew a lot about each other and were pretty good friends. It would have been better to go with girl A since she was a little more stable financially but I decided to go with girl B since I wanted to be a good friend.
Everything started out well but I quickly noticed something about her that caused a bit of friction.
She spent A LOT of time using (hogging) the bathroom for the most absurd reasons.
I understand wanting to take a long bath here and there or having a condition but that was FAR from the case.
She’d lock herself in the bathroom to do things she could very well do in her room or any other part of the house (Ex: to do her makeup, take videos of whatever new product she got, record GRWMs, etc). She says the bathroom has the best lighting (which I can agree with) but she’d spend so much time in there that I had to start begging her to come out as soon as I got any little urge to go so I would be able to use the bathroom ‘on time’.
I’ve brought it up with her so many times now but she’d only change for a few days before hogging up the bathroom once again.
She’s also made a habit of being ‘a little late’ with all our payments. If rent is due today, she’d give me 60-80% of it today and then the rest maybe a week or two later.
I understand being a little late with rent here and there because of reasons out of your control but it’s ALWAYS happening.
I’ve brought up these issues so many times with her but she does nothing about it long term. She’d make empty promises or change for a few days then go back to whatever she was previously doing.
She’d say something along the lines of ‘Oh sometimes it’s hard being a mini influencer’ in a ‘joking’ manner but it seems that she’s using that to disregard anything I said.
I recently started bringing up these problems with some people in our friend group.
Some of them agree that she’s crossing a line (some of these friends have stayed over and seen her hogging the bathroom firsthand) while others have said I’m just being extremely petty and it’s just a ‘girl’ thing to take long in the bathroom. If I kick her, I’ll definitely cause a huge rift in our group but I don’t like having to sometimes wait over an hour to an hour and a half to use the bathroom.
WIBTJ for wanting her to leave because of this? Is there anything else I could do to reach a compromise with her even though she has shown little regard for my complaints to her?
Edit: I’d just like to add that her usual ‘excuse’ for being late with payments is ‘Oh, I have to make sure that I have enough to buy (product) when it drops so I can review it.'”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’d kick her out for being late with rent after the 3rd time e.g. the third time it’s late, she’s told it’s the last month she’ll be living there and needs to have her stuff out by the last day of the rent cycle, that’s only if she actually pays.
If she doesn’t pay then it’s ‘You have till the end of the day to get out’. The excuse of buying other stuff is weak, if she can’t afford to pay for rent and those products then she needs to move to somewhere cheaper or stop buying those things.
As for the bathroom usage, it’s definitely not ‘a girl thing’, it’s an inconsiderate jerk thing and she’s acting like she’s not sharing with someone else.” P3naught
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Remove the door knob and change the lights to dimmer bulbs. That nonsense would stop immediately.
She’s going to cause you to get a UTI if you’re constantly holding your pee because she won’t let you in there.
The late payment on rent – I’d sit her down and say this: you’ve been late on rent x times. You’re making the assumption that I can just cover for you.
That was not our arrangement. The next time you are late will be the last time. I will ask you to leave immediately. You needing to buy some product does not take priority over your commitment to pay half the rent. If this is a problem for you please start looking for a new place to live and have your belongings removed by the end of the month.” Short-Classroom2559
19. AITJ For Turning Down A Job Because They Wouldn't Tell Me How Much The Salary Would Be?
“Last year, I graduated with my degree in computer science. Since then, I worked on a contract for a company that has been fairly ok, but not one I plan to try and start a career with. Since my contract ends in a month I’ve been looking for full-time work.
The hardest part about this though is fitting all the interviews in. Basically every application I send in gets responded to, along with a handful of recruiters spamming my LinkedIn. So, I’ve decided that if they do not tell me in the first 15 minutes of the interview what they are actually paying I will ask.
If they don’t tell me in plain terms (an actual range or a number) I will thank them for their time and leave.
Most of the people I’ve talked to will just answer the question, but I’ve noticed a few try to dance around it, reply with ‘Money isn’t the most important part of a job,’ or some ‘We’re family and salary isn’t important’ nonsense.
Because of this, out of about a dozen interviews, I’ve walked from 4 this way. To at least justify this, I’m already in talks with a company and basically waiting to hear their offer so I feel like if they are not going to give me an estimate of what I could expect at this point there’s no reason for me to deal with them.
Well, yesterday evening I went to meet up with a local startup. A recruiter reached out to me and I fit every checkbox they needed and had actually built a compiler for the language they were primarily using (python) so I was their number one candidate.
15 minutes in they had not talked at all about compensation so I asked. The interviewer told me ‘It’s bad-mannered to ask about the salary this early in the process.’ I just smiled and said that I disagreed and that I was not going to waste my time entertaining an offer if they could not compete.
He tried to argue back that they were a startup and yadda yadda so I just did what I did before. Stood up, thanked him for his time, and left.
Well, the recruiter blew up my phone asking what I did and who I thought I was.
Apparently, the owner of the company was my interviewer (I had no clue, the first time I talked to the guy and he never even mentioned he was the owner) and he blew up at the recruiter for my behavior. The recruiter made a vague post on LinkedIn that was an attack against me but didn’t name me.
The comments swing from I’m in the right to a total jerk. I told my SO and they said that I was a jerk. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They could’ve just told you what the salary is, they totally know how much budget they have, and they’re choosing not to because they don’t want to pay you more than the smallest amount they can get away with.
Like, sorry to the recruiter for getting backlash for what is a reasonable action of just asking for information, but also screw that recruiter for blowing up at you. If you ticked every box they had, they should have been able to just say the number.
You weren’t even being a jerk. You disagreed politely, you made your point, and you left. You made the owner feel small, but maybe… he should be able to just say the salary band?
Anyway, companies that pretend they’re family are often nonsense. Work is still work.
Even if it’s enjoyable. You dodged a bullet.” petrichorInk
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – It’s bad manners to not tell people what they’ll be making since money is the primary reason people have jobs in the first place. Anyone who pretends otherwise is lying.
Saying stuff like ‘We’re family here’ is for me an indicator that a company is actively trying to get away with some shady stuff like paying people as little as possible, not paying extra hours, and getting mad when people call in sick.” DensityOfThought
18. AITJ For Refusing To Cancel Our Marriage For My Husband's Family?
“My husband (28) and I (29) got married without telling our parents recently. They were only told 4 or 5 days ago. Yes, we are the jerks in this situation. I know, I know.
My mom is mad but she’s accepting it and given her blessing. My husband’s parents hate me.
We’ve never met but my husband’s mom is making up lies about me and doing background checks on me. I can understand all that. But she’s also flying to Tucson this Thursday to meet my ex from two years ago. I wish she’d use that time, money, and energy to come meet me in Alaska instead.
She’s also doing a background check on my sisters and that honestly irks me.
My husband’s dad told his son to cancel the marriage and that it’s possible to do since we haven’t received the marriage certificate through the mail yet (we checked today, and that’s not a thing).
If we get it canceled, his parents would meet with me and give me a chance. Which honestly doesn’t make sense to me.
My problem is, my husband hopped on to cancel the marriage, if it was possible. To make his parents happy. As if getting married is a joke.
It honestly really broke my heart. Yes, we broke our parents’ hearts by doing this without telling them first, but this marriage was a decision we both made together and I thought we’d be going through this together with him defending us and protecting us.
Did I expect too much? I thought that was common sense, to be honest. I can’t help but feel it’s so irresponsible of him and his dad to even think that was a good idea. He keeps saying his parents are going to give me a chance if we cancel the marriage and we remarry.
So I asked him what he was going to do if there was no such thing as canceling. I thought the answer was obvious but he said, ‘I don’t know…’
My husband’s an only child. His parents are divorced too. I understand they’re just worried and I understand he doesn’t want to lose his family.
But I don’t know… I never suggested to cut them off and that’s not what I want. What I wanted was for us to stay married and persuade them together to come around.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“There is no such thing as ‘canceling’ a marriage ‘because Vital Statistics hasn’t sent the marriage certificate’.
Whoever told you there is, is full of it. If you don’t believe me, go see a family lawyer in the State where you got married.
This makes me think that the ‘background checks’ threat is also nonsense, but if MIL wants to waste a trip to Tucson to interview your ex and muckraker, she can fly at it.
You and your sisters have nothing to hide, I’m guessing? By the way, WHO TOLD YOU this is what she’s doing? If it’s her… consider the source, and don’t fall for her stupid bluffs.
Your husband’s family knows how to push his buttons because they installed them.
I can’t imagine the manipulation and emotional abuse he got growing up. But now he’s allegedly a grown man, and it’s time for him to grow a pair and push back against the programming. Tell him that if he doesn’t stand firm with you now, and chooses to kowtow to his crazy mother and try to invalidate your marriage instead… he will be doing you a huge favor because you’ll know not to stay married to him and certainly not to give him children.
There aren’t many circumstances in life when it is so obviously time for someone to choose his hill to die on. This is one of them.
NTJ for wanting your husband to resist his family’s crazy tactics. Good luck, OP!” User
17. AITJ For Not Helping My Mom's Dog Sitter Get Into Her House?
“Growing up with mom she tended to be very dramatic, abusive (verbally and physically), neglectful, and narcissistic. I (31f) lived with my grandparents until I was 12 at which point I guess she decided that she wanted to try to be a mother.
Basically, our relationship has always been pretty strained and we only talk once a month.
Cut to today – she called me saying that there was an emergency at her house and her dog sitter couldn’t get in after walking the dog, could I or my husband go let her in the house because the keypad didn’t seem to be working (my mom was at work ~30 minutes away).
We were in the middle of cooking dinner and we live ~25 minutes away. I asked if she had an extra key hidden anywhere. She said no. I asked if the sitter could try the keypad again. She said she already did. I said, ‘Well we are in the middle of cooking dinner, I’m in my PJs, and our cars are frozen over from the ice storm so it will probably be about 40 minutes before I can get there.’ She said ‘Fine I’ll just tell her she has to keep the dog or something’ and hung up on me.
Then half an hour later she texted me saying ‘You know what, I’m busy next weekend (when we were supposed to get together for Christmas). Contact me if you ever need anything.’
AITJ? Should I reach out and apologize? WIBTJ if I just took this opportunity to not talk to her again even if she reaches out again?
I honestly have a lot of anxiety and childhood trauma from her so part of me thinks this is an easy out…”
Another User Comments:
“First of all, Do NOT reach out and apologize. This is what she wants.
Your mother sounds like a narcissist. They love getting a rise out of you.
They love causing conflict. It gives her fulfillment to see the reaction she gets out of you. You will never win against someone like this if you choose to give them what they want.
Next time she calls you out of the blue for something she needs, tell her she should have thought about that over the past 30 years.
She shouldn’t have treated you the way she did if she didn’t want to face the consequences.
Refuse to play the game. Remove your pieces and put the board up. Close the box, refuse to reopen it, and never play it again.
This would be the final straw if it were me.
I would have cut ties completely and would have blocked her from contacting me at all.
NTJ.” CyclonicHavoc
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
There is no one in your life (except perhaps your spouse) who is entitled to an ounce of your time for any reason.
If you simply didn’t want to and there was no other reason, you’d be well within your right to not. Maybe that wouldn’t be the kindest thing ever, but eh. It happens. She doesn’t owe you anything, either.
It’s not cool to ask someone a favor and get mad when they say they can’t.
That’s not how the world works.” raeseri_
16. AITJ For Not Giving My Friend A More Expensive Wedding Gift?
“I (20F) recently went to my friend’s (20F) wedding where I was a bridesmaid.
This was a pretty quickly planned wedding, and obviously due to the age of the bride and groom (20M), not super expensive and it had a very tight budget.
When we were asked to be bridesmaids I assumed we would be involved in the normal activities, like helping the bride decorate, helping her get ready, etc.
However, the actual wedding day and shower played out very differently.
As the bridesmaids we were asked to set up the venue and church – this included chairs, tables, tablecloths, decor, and food. I was surprised to learn when I got there that we had to serve the food to the 100+ guests.
The wedding had no staff so we were in charge of running the entire thing – including clean up and tear down at the end of the night.
I live 8 hours away from the bride so I had to travel for her wedding and take Thursday and Friday off to attend the shower (Friday) and wedding (Saturday).
The wedding day started at 7 am and lasted till 11 pm – the bride and groom only provided us with dinner (6 pm) despite asking us to be there from the morning.
We weren’t given any bouquets, or bridesmaid gifts by the bride, food, coffee, etc.
Throughout the wedding process (the 3 months), she was nonstop dropping heavy-handed gifts about wanting money for her wedding (which I found so tacky… I would never blatantly ask for money from my bridal party, because they are already devoting so much time and energy). I bought her a 150$ expensive necklace for her bridal shower as a more personal gift and was planning to give money for the wedding.
After arriving at the wedding I was really disappointed to realize that we were basically just staff for the wedding and she didn’t do anything to really make the experience fun at all for us… it honestly felt like a cash grab.
After adding up the costs for the weekend – 160 for the train, 150 for the dress, 150 for the necklace, 80$ in takeout the day of the wedding (breakfast and lunch), not even including missing two days of work – I realized I couldn’t really afford to give more than 50$ as a gift.
I was originally planning on giving 120, but because of having to buy my own food and stuff that’s why the amount went down. I’m still in school & I had to pay my own rent/groceries so that was my limit. I know that you’re supposed to ‘pay for your plate’ – which I did.
However, I heard through a mutual friend that the bride is mad because she thinks I stiffed her on the gift… am I the jerk for not giving more money?
Should I not have assumed they’d feed us and is it normal to do that much work as a bridesmaid?
This was the first wedding I’ve ever been to so I’m not sure…”
Another User Comments:
“Wow, NTJ AT ALL. It was kind of you to give any gift at all after the way she behaved. If she expects you to starve or not pay your rent for the sake of giving her whatever amount of cash she thinks is ‘enough’ that’s absolutely her problem.
For the record, no this is not even remotely normal. It’s not too weird for the bridal party to help out a bit with setup and stuff for a couple on a budget (like decorating, as you said), but not anywhere near this extent.
But to make you, essentially, work a 16-hour shift as event staff and catering FOR FREE and not even FEED YOU?
That’s really exceptionally trashy.
And what’s worse is it sounds like she didn’t give you any indication before the actual day that this would be expected. Like, if she had asked and you had agreed to do this, that would be one thing (still not great but not as bad).
But to just blindside you with it on the day? That’s a jerk move for sure.
Did she even say thank you?? She definitely should have come up with some kind of bridesmaid gift, even if it was just something small, but she didn’t. And it doesn’t sound like she showed her appreciation in any other way, or even acknowledged that she was asking a lot.
Just expected you to do it. Yikes.” ifshehadwings
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You should have given the bride a card. It’s customary to provide meals for the servers and bartenders at a wedding. Since she treated her bridal party as staff, the ‘pay for the plate’ shouldn’t apply, however, you took the high road, and let her complain.” Shaggymaggie
15. AITJ For Not Letting My Son Meet His Mom?
“When I was 16 I went to a party with some of my friends, got really wasted, and ended up sleeping with a girl who was there that I already knew just because I wasn’t sure about my sexuality and thought that by doing this I would be sure of it.
Well, after 2 months she contacted me saying that she was pregnant and thought that I was the father. I freaked out, but we talked and I agreed to take the DNA test once it was possible. The baby was mine, and honestly, I didn’t know what to do or how to tell my parents.
I just told my best friend about the situation and he said that if anything happens he would help me. She and I agreed that once the baby was born we would put him up for adoption, I told my parents all of what was happening, they were mad at me, but they said it was better than bringing a baby that I couldn’t afford to raise.
Well, the rest of her pregnancy went by and she finally gave birth and when I saw him I knew I couldn’t do it. The adoption system in my country is horrible and I knew he was going to suffer there, so yeah, I decided that I was going to raise him.
Needless to say after this my parents kicked me out and cut me out of the family, and the girl didn’t want any contact with the baby. I’m glad my best friend helped me. His parents let me in for cheap rent, they were angels to me and still are today, his mom helped me a lot with my son, teaching me a lot and taking care of him when I most needed due to work or school.
Now, today, I’m 22, my best friend is now my significant other, my son is 5 and sees my SO as his dad, I’m a Spanish teacher and my SO just graduated in law. My son once asked me why he doesn’t have a mother and I told him that is a long story and I would tell him when he was older.
The problem is that a few days ago his mother contacted me again. She told me what had happened in all these years. She married a doctor and is now a housewife, during the years she had some health problems and now she is infertile.
She told her husband about our story and our son and he told her she should contact me and ask if they could meet my son so she could finally be a mother to him. I remember all I passed through the years to raise him, to take care of him, and immediately told her no. She then blew up at me saying that I was depriving her of motherhood and that she and her husband would take me to court, I just hung up on her.
My SO says I did the right thing and not to worry because the judge would see everything that I did and wouldn’t take my son away from me.
But when I saw my son again I remembered when he asked me and started feeling guilty for depriving him of having a mom and now I don’t know what to do.
So, AITJ for not allowing them to meet?”
Another User Comments:
“You need to see a solicitor (lawyer) immediately. Some countries would automatically place the child with the biological mother regardless of whether she raised him or you did. You need to get legal help, I cannot stress this enough.
You are not really a jerk because you thought you were doing the right thing for your child but be careful, some courts will be against you if you straight out say no.
You might need to say something along the lines that if she establishes a relationship over a period of time with phone calls, zooms, etc, and also goes into counseling, you would consent to her having a relationship with your child.
If you make it seem like you are agreeable – with the terms, you can more likely have control over it. If you straight say no, the court will likely set the terms and you may not like them.” AussieTopCat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but as a precaution you and your SO need to lawyer up yesterday!
Even if nothing comes from it, you have to protect your son from a mother who doesn’t sound like she’s ready to be a mother. You and your son haven’t seen her for 5 years, she wants to meet him, you say no, and she immediately demands a court date?
You need to prepare yourself with anything you can. The mother would probably try some other way to get to your son.” Treeflower77
Your son wants to know his mother, but you need to make sure she's doing this for the right reasons. Get a lawyer immediately. If you agree to visitation, insist that first visits be with supervision of a therapist specializing in reunification. It sounds like she wants to go for shared custody, so get that lawyer right away!
14. AITJ For Refusing To Apologize For Yelling At My Stepmom?
“I (14) am the oldest of 3 siblings (10f and 8f), and transgender (female to male) (this is important later).
My parents divorced when I was 3 and had 50/50 custody of me and my 10-year-old sister. Every other weekend we stay there because of school. My 8-year-old sister is my stepmom and dad’s kid.
Ever since we started going there, my stepmom has been mentally neglectful to all of us. She took away our food because we had a little bit of baby chub and would tell me that I couldn’t eat looking like this. And things like that.
Around 10 months ago I came out as transgender to them. My mom’s side knew before because I felt more comfortable there. Well, I recently cut my hair short and am looking at getting a binder. My mom is 100% okay with this. However my stepmom is not, she would give me disgusted looks when me and my sister would get picked up and whenever she saw me.
My dad knows about it and does nothing. We’re doing family photos soon and she told me that I should buy myself a wig to wear because she didn’t want anyone else to see me like that. It made me mad because I’m already saving up for a binder and can’t afford a wig right now.
When I told her no she said that I should be grateful that she even wanted me in the photos.
That flipped the switch in me I guess and I started yelling at her about all the things that I’ve done like defending her when my family would talk bad about her even though I knew I shouldn’t because of what she’s done to me and my sisters.
After I finished, my dad came downstairs and told me that I shouldn’t have done it and that I should apologize to my stepmom. I said no and went back to my room. My dad has been mad at me since and I’m starting to think that I am the jerk for doing that, am I?”
Another User Comments:
“Your dad puts his wife first instead of the kid he decided to have. He doesn’t protect you from your abuser, he actually supports her. Stop going there. I think you should talk to your mom so that she can take them back to court and get full custody of you (and hopefully your sister).
You deserve to be treated with respect.
NTJ.” little_ballof_fur
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your stepmom is transphobic, your dad is complicit at best. This is a recipe for disaster for you. I’d advise talking to your mom about staying at hers full-time.
When there’s a pretty serious issue like this and the kid is old enough, the judge will often take into account where the kid wants to be.” WholeBeeMovieScript
13. AITJ For Not Letting My Ex See My Dogs Anymore?
“So I (36F) broke up with my ex (44M) just when 2020 started. It was a very toxic relationship and I should have ended it much sooner but alas here we are.
For some context, we got together after I got divorced which was a red flag on its own.
So I got both of my dogs while we were together for 4 years. He’s never paid for any of their bills, bought food, or taken care of them, but would obviously spend with them while we were together.
They lived with me, 2 huskies, and I did everything for them. He clearly got attached to them as one would with dogs you see all the time.
Fast forward to me finally ending the toxic relationship and him blowing up at me. I tried to be nice in the beginning allowing him to take my dogs on walks and such without me.
But he started saying things like ‘Your next partner better understand MY relationship with these dogs and how I need to see them’ etc. I set boundaries with him as to when I would drop off and pick up the dogs. He then started saying he would come drop them at my place and wait till I got back.
When I refused he would say things like ‘Why you don’t want me to see who you’re sleeping with? What are you trying to hide’ etc.
I then realized he was always going to be like this and constantly try to get back into my life.
At that point, I told him I couldn’t do this anymore and he couldn’t see the dogs as they were mine. He tried to threaten me saying he could take me to court for them. Like what? And then proceeded to compare MY dogs to his son whom his ex kept from when growing up.
At that point, I told him it was over and blocked him.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I’m assuming the toxic relationship you mentioned as a reason for the break up included emotional abuse and manipulation and he is continuing to use that as a way to keep him in your life using the dogs as a tactic.
They are your dogs and he has no right to see them. I would love to see the lawyer who would take that ‘custody’ case! Make sure you take care of yourself and keep records of anything he sends you because once he realizes that the dogs aren’t going to work as pawns, he may try another tactic.
Be safe OP!” DallasDiva8
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Block him on everything and change your locks. Never leave them outside unattended. Make sure they are microchipped and that only your information is listed on it. Also, change all of your email and banking passwords just in case he tries to cause you trouble.” WhoKnewHomesteading
12. WIBTJ If I Refuse To Be Part Of My Dance Teacher's Show?
“I (18f) have been dancing with the same company under the same woman for 15 years. I’m her most senior dancer this year since it’s pretty much just girls high school age or younger. I have a lot of physical issues, including an ankle I had to get surgery on last year because I fractured it 6 years ago and was not taken seriously about it.
Because of that and some other things, I told her that I wouldn’t be able to dance as much this year as I have in the past. She very grudgingly accepted that, but has pretty much ignored it since then and bullied me into coming into the studio way more than I wanted to.
This is just between me and her, and I’m okay with putting up with it until I graduate this summer. But for our spring show this year, she chose an original story that she performed like 25-30 years ago and wrote in collaboration with members of our local tribe.
It’s focused on Native American stories, and most of it is fine because it’s just animals dancing and stuff. But there are a few things that aren’t sitting right with me. Having us do a tribal walk, casting a non-native girl to play the part of a ‘sage-woman’ who performs a ceremony, and a few other little things.
I’m white, and most of the girls I dance with aren’t, so I felt awkward approaching them about this as their senior but I wanted to know if they felt the same way. They do. So now the responsibility is on me to tell our teacher that her show is maybe culturally insensitive and not appropriate?
She intimidates me a lot so I think I’ll do it over email or something, but the longer I put it off the harder it’ll be to do. And then if she tries to fight me on it I have no idea what I’ll do.
But I feel really guilty letting the show continue as it is. WIBTJ?”
Another User Comments:
“She wrote the play in collaboration with members of the local tribe. If you want to do the show but you’re worried about cultural sensitivity, could you meet with your dance teacher and some local tribal leaders to review the story and see if it sits right with people?
It may be that the locals would feel honored to have this story performed by talented dancers, no matter their ethnicity. It’s worth discussing together. But if you don’t want to do the show and have been bullied into it then don’t do it!” Starry-nightt
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ! You’re 100% right here, and you’re protecting the other girls by speaking up for them when they seem to fear to for their own reasons. BONUS: you’re a senior, so you’ll be out of there soon anyway — this could go a long way to helping them when you’re gone, should they choose to stay/depending on the teacher’s reaction/etc.” doloreschiller
11. AITJ For Calling Out My Stepmom's Bad Behavior Toward Her Mom?
“My (32M, Nate) dad’s been with this woman (I’ll call Kate) for 20 years. On my last visit, her parents were in town, along with her brother and his wife.
Kate’s mom (my step-grandma) is super sweet but a bit older and gets a bit lost in conversations, directions, etc. From Day 1, Kate was making impatient/bratty comments to her mom and it was hard to watch.
She never directed it at me, but I was used to her talking to my dad this way over the years — sometimes I’d ask him ‘Man, is she like never happy?’ And he’d say ‘Well she gets stressed easily’.
We’re all in the kitchen on Day 3, and Kate asks me if I want to go get ice cream.
Her mom thought she was talking to her and said ‘No thanks’ to which Kate replied ‘Your name’s not Nate’ with the tone you might use addressing a bug on your shoe.
I just stared at her. My blood boiled. I shook my head and said ‘How can you talk to your mom like that’ and turned around.
‘Excuse me?’ she says, indignant. Everyone’s there except my dad.
I walk straight to her and speak as firmly as I can without raising my voice: ‘I would never talk to my mom like that. It’s mean. It’s gross’.
At this point, she’s taken aback and says ‘Ok… um… I’m sorry’.
I walk down to the basement where I sleep on visits. At this point I think I’m a hero: finally, I made my big stand! Above I hear muffled loud talking from her brother ‘Stupid jerk… something something jerk.’ In my delusion, I think it’s aimed at her for speaking to her mom that way.
15 minutes later, footsteps. Her brother appears, his blood now boiling, telling me how out of line I was. He rips into me for a few min before leaving. A minute later it’s his wife: ‘That was so wrong. How can you talk to Kate like that after all she’s done for you?
You need to go apologize.’
I start questioning my sanity and ask myself AITJ? I go up to the living room and Kate’s there crying with family seated around her. ‘I’m sorry,’ I say ‘My mom is around your mom’s age and I felt the need to protect her, I don’t know why I got so angry.
It’s your family and it wasn’t my place.’
She says ‘All I want is for you to like me and now I know you just think I’m gross’.
I explained I didn’t think she was gross, I just didn’t like the way she was talking to her mom.
Her brother tells me to shut up and that it’s a nonsense apology. I look around the room, give a nod, and retreat. My step-grandparents are silent.
In the morning my step-uncle and his wife leave without saying bye. Haven’t spoken since.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ
Calling out bad behavior is not a jerk act. You probably touched a nerve which is why they piled on you. Let things cool down and let yourself off the hook. It probably wasn’t the most elegant way of doing it but it was certainly honest and what you walk past you approve of.
Got my respect.” Traditional_Judge734
10. AITJ For Reading A Stranger's Notebook?
“I’m 29M and the girl in question is in her 20s, maybe 26 or 27?
I live in a college town and there’s this restaurant/bar near campus that I really like.
A few years back this girl worked there as a hostess and I’d see her all the time. She’s super hot and I’ll admit I used to go in and hope to see her. She now doesn’t work there anymore, but sometimes she’ll come get lunch and a drink at the bar and work on her computer.
The times I’ve been there at the same time, I’ve struck up a friendly conversation but she mostly gives short answers and kind of ignores me. She is a grad student now and is working on her dissertation so she’s writing a lot while she’s here.
She and the bartender are good friends too which is relevant.
Yesterday we were both at the bar again and I tried to make small talk but she mostly went back to writing. So at one point, she got up to go to the bathroom and I slid over to her chair and took a peek at her notebook next to her computer–she left both open but the computer had already gone into sleep mode.
She is writing about a somewhat current event (not anything that’s like major on the news every day but something that a lot of people are aware of). She came back, I gave it a few minutes and brought up to both her and the bartender that I saw a cool John Oliver show on the topic she was writing on (without mentioning I knew she was writing on it).
She just said ‘Yeah, it’s a good one’ and kept working.
I tried asking her more about what her thoughts were but she just said she needed to keep working. I then saw the bartender go over to her end of the bar and they spoke quietly before the girl gave me a strange look and started packing up her things to move out to the patio.
I asked her why she was moving and she said she wanted to work in peace and without anyone ‘creeping’ on her notes. I sort of laughed nervously and made a half-joke to the bartender who just said ‘You’re just lucky I didn’t ask you to leave.’
I really wasn’t trying to be creepy, just wanted to start a conversation, but both of them called me creepy and now I’m wondering if I’m the jerk or if this girl is just being uptight.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. She has politely let you know REPEATEDLY that she is not interested in making conversation with you.
Her going back to writing instead of communicating with you is COMMUNICATION. You didn’t pay attention. And then as soon as she was out of the room, you violated her privacy. She’s not uptight at all. She is not interested in you, and now that she has been informed of your behavior when she was out of the room, she doesn’t trust you.
If you want to talk to someone, talk to someone who is interested in talking to you. Don’t interrupt a woman doing hard intellectual work in order to get her attention. Just don’t.
Intent is nonsense. Whether or not you intended it, your behavior was creepy.” odanu
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. If you can’t see that, you may need professional counseling. Frankly, you were already the jerk before the invasion of privacy, just for repeatedly bothering somebody who clearly didn’t want to talk to you. Snooping in her notebook (and apparently, the only reason you didn’t also look at her laptop is because you couldn’t?
Yuck!) is seriously unacceptable behavior.
Stop trying to talk to people after they’ve made it clear they don’t want to talk to you. Realize that women don’t owe you anything just because you think they are ‘super hot.’ Do not ever think sneaking around and dishonesty are acceptable ways to try to connect with somebody.
Please examine your attitudes towards women and your sense of entitlement.
You sound like you’re stepping into stalker territory. You should nip that in the bud, with professional help if need be. And for the love of cheese, please just find a different bar to go to.” mock-tortoise
She DOES NOT WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU. She owes you NOTHING.
Leave
Her
Alone.
9. AITJ For Complaining About My Coworker's Lunch?
“I’ve never, in four years, told a coworker that something they were eating smelled good or bad. It is kind of awkward and rude. People get hungry, they want to eat at their desks, fine by me. Some food smells strong, and if you aren’t the one eating it can be bothersome.
I absolutely hate bland food so, I normally wouldn’t make a comment about the way food smells. Good food typically has a powerful aroma, I’m a garlic/onion/pepper freak, so I would never want someone to complain about my food choices.
That all changed this week.
I’ve never smelled anything like this before. (I should mention that I have, and always have had, a very acute sense of smell and taste)
It hit my nose like a strong fish, maybe salmon, or a shellfish? Instantly it evolves into something else entirely in my nostrils.
Ashtrays, moldering earth, garbage heaps. Back to fish, a pungent, fermented fish. Sure, like all of you I’ve heard the legends of Hongeo-hoe and Surströmming, fish so odiferous they sent well-meaning people on wild goose chases for gas leaks and neglected bathrooms. I was however alone in my assertions that this food had long since spoiled and was no longer fit for human consumption.
The purported smell of those delicacies is nothing like what is currently breaching my nostrils.
I asked her what she was eating, and if she was sure it was still ok because it smelled bad. Is it fish? I asked. She turned away from me and didn’t say anything.
I was more concerned for her safety than annoyed at the smell.
Two days go by, and the nightmare fish returns. I try to breach the subject, perhaps less nicely this time, but at this point, I’m worried I am sick or have a brain tumor.
Surely nothing on this Earth can smell so ghastly.
‘Go away, that’s the second time you’ve said something, stop it!’
Ok, I’m sorry I wasn’t trying to hurt your feelings, I said. I walk away defeated, my eyes still watering from her noxious nosh.
Am I the jerk? I don’t normally complain about the smell of food, but this thing smelled like a nightmare wrapped inside an electrical fire, fermented in a swamp, and then kept in the back of Joe’s Crab Shack for twenty years. Pray for me.”
Another User Comments:
“Second time you shouldn’t have gone to her directly, but a boss or floor manager or HR and get a colleague to back you up if felt the same. There should be rules on no strong-smelling food – doesn’t matter what culture, or ethnicity you are – there are rules on things like strong-smelling fish.
Once someone on our floor microwaved fish and our office was all the way down the hall and we all wanted to vomit and the smell wouldn’t go away for the rest of the day.” User
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
If someone complains about the smell of your food, you should eat it somewhere else instead of the workplace area where everyone will be bothered by it.
However you said yourself, you do it too. While I’m also a fan of garlic, onion, and pepper, I know loads of people who absolutely despise the smell and would rather jump in the garbage than smell it when they’re working.
People have different senses of smell and people like different things.
To you, it might smell as horrendous as you amazingly described (seriously, great job) but to the rest, it could smell normal.” zZombi__
8. AITJ For How I Reacted When My Friend Took His Shirt Off?
“Dave and I have been friends since we were 10. We went to a few dances in school and we’ve been each other’s plus-one a few times but he’s like my little brother.
Nothing has ever happened there, we both see other people, and other than back-and-forth crushes in middle school it never went anywhere.
I’m 24 and he’s 23. This weekend we were playing Kings at a party with a group of friends and someone made a rule that if you cursed you had to remove a piece of clothing.
We were all pretty wasted and one of the guys in the group Chris took off his shirt. Chris is a good-looking guy, and I admit I was probably a bit obvious in my reaction due to being wasted.
Dave had to take his shirt off and when he did, without thinking, I said, ‘Ewwww!’ in a very exaggerated way.
Dave is a bit on the heavy side and when I did that, it got the whole room laughing. I wasn’t really paying attention but when I looked for Dave next, I couldn’t find him. After looking around, it became clear that he had left the party.
I texted him to find out if he was okay and he left me on read. I found out from a mutual friend that he was embarrassed and left after I made that joke. Honestly, I was saying it in the same way I’d react to seeing a sibling take their shirt off.
I only meant it as a joke.
I know he’s been self-conscious about his weight and the difference in my reaction to Chris and him, right after each other probably upset him.
I texted him, ‘Hey. I hope you didn’t take my reaction as mocking your appearance or putting you down.
Just teasing my little brother. You know I love you. I’m sorry if your feelings were hurt.’
He’s left me on read and will not acknowledge my message. One of our mutual friends said that I made him feel gross and humiliated him in front of everyone and I violated his trust. Others who understand the dynamic between us say that he’s just ego bruised and making too much out of this and needs to forgive and move on.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You fat-shamed a lifelong friend who clearly has body image issues judging by the way he reacted.
And instead of just apologizing and just owning the fact that you did something toxic and frankly, cruel… you attempted to minimize his pain and justify your behavior as ‘I was just joking’.
As if it just being a joke suddenly makes it not hurt as much.
You have a lot of growing up to do and I wouldn’t be surprised if the friendship never recovers from this.” The__Riker__Maneuver
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – I’m sure you did not want to actually hurt his feelings.
But, you did. And your text apology is lacking. It’s good that you said you love him. But… saying ‘I’m sorry your feelings were hurt’ instead of something like ‘I’m sorry I hurt you’ implies a lack of taking responsibility for your action and instead puts it on him.
i.e. it’s somewhat his fault for being hurt and not that what you said was hurtful. You were a jerk. Since you care about this guy, a full and unconditional apology is warranted. I suggest giving it in writing… like send an actual card apologizing fully and letting him know you’re available whenever he’s ready to talk.
And then back off and give him space. Also, keep in mind, even though you just think of him as a little brother… he might still be harboring a crush, which would make your reaction even more painful.” Seemoreifsandsorbuts
7. WIBTJ If I Spill My Ex's Secrets To Her Husband?
“When I met my ex she told me that she and her husband had agreed to divorce and they had been living apart for a year. She assured me that the next time they were in the same country she would finalize the divorce.
The global crisis happened and that meeting was delayed. I was a little suspicious as to why she could not start the process remotely, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt.
My ex also told me that she herself was financially independent and that her husband only financially supported their 2 kids who stayed with her full time.
We were together for nearly 2 years and our relationship only ended recently when I found out that she had been all lovey-dovey with her husband behind my back. When I confronted her about it, she said she only started doing it recently purely for financial reasons and that there is nothing emotional.
My ex is due to visit her home country shortly and she said that she cannot be the first one to bring up finalizing the divorce as the husband would then cut all financial support and try to take the kids away. I asked her what she would do if the husband initiated physical intimacy but she would not answer.
My ex even had the audacity to suggest that this was her only way to survive because I had refused to financially support her and her two kids.
I suspect that the marriage was never over. In the husband’s mind, he had probably just sent his kids and wife overseas for a couple of years to study.
If I was in the husband’s shoes I would definitely want to know if I am being taken for a ride and if my wife is sleeping around. My ex had a couple of flings before we met.
If I tell the husband everything he is likely to pull the pin on the marriage, take the kids, and stop financially supporting my ex.
The kids will probably lose their mother as a result.
If I think about the kids I know I should just let it go, but the endless lies and deceit towards me and the husband gets my blood boiling.
WIBTJ if I spilled the beans to the husband?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s messy and complicated, but I would tell the husband. She’s lying to everyone about every aspect of her situation to get whatever she wants. Who knows what kinds of stories she’s spinning to her kids – about their father, about their way of life?
They are trapped in her world of lies too; it will twist and damage them as they grow up with this behavior modeled to them. The father deserves to have a real marriage, not the giant LIE she’s keeping him in, and the kids deserve to have truth and stability from their parents, even if that means a divorce.” TrainingDearest
Another User Comments:
“Well, we’re all going to hate ourselves later if we find out the husband was abusive and manipulative and if she gets beaten for trying to find a better father for her kids with no real life skills or anything like that.
But from what you’ve said here, it sounds like you would be NTJ. Just assuming, of course, that you’re not willing to believe the worst about her and find her husband totally innocent solely because she lied to you, which she should not have done, but the internet is full of stories of women who thought that was survival. Fingers crossed she and her kids don’t get hurt for this.
Hopefully, her husband is a good guy and yet something tiny in the back of my head is expecting the worst. I’d suggest finding out what kind of guy her husband is first, but I doubt you really care what happens to her and her kids after this, so don’t bother if your blood can only boil.” EK_3oh
6. AITJ For Financially Helping A Neighbor But Not My Mom?
“I’ve (19F) had the same upstairs neighbors for about 7 years and before then, me and my neighbor’s niece, Maya (17), knew each other from school. Over the years, we’d always go over to each other’s houses (apartments) and hang out. She’d babysit my little brother when I went to school some days and helped us prepare for a lot of birthday parties and Christmas dinners hosted at my house.
She basically became a little sister to me. Her parents died while we were in junior high which is why she moved in with her aunt. We grew really close. Her mom was close to finishing her GED when she died so Maya dedicated her diploma to her parents.
She had the date for her grad party set for months but her aunt got into a car accident about 2 weeks ago. She wasn’t hurt but she had to pay a really high deductible to get their car repaired while the insurance claim was processed. They had practically everything booked but they hadn’t paid for the biggest arrangements yet.
Maya needed about $600 to pay for the DJ, catering, and videogame truck (didn’t even know this was a thing til she explained it to me).
She didn’t ask me to nor did she expect me to offer it but I gave her the money.
I Venmo’d her $609.16 (running an inside joke that I’d die owing her money from one Chipotle trip in 9th grade) and said it was a graduation gift from her big sis. She didn’t even know what to say but we hugged and she said thank you.
Later on in the week, my mom came home screaming at me asking where that huge transaction came from (I still have a high school checking account connected to hers so she sees all of my purchases). Her rant consisted of her telling me that her ex got arrested and she knew I’d gotten paid that Wednesday.
She wanted me to ask Maya to give me the money back so that she could bail him out. I absolutely refused and felt offended that she’d even demand that of me. She yelled about how ‘that girl’ wasn’t my family and how if I still wanted to be a part of this one, I needed to step up.
After I said no again and stormed out, she went behind my back and called our bank to try and dispute the purchase.
It really hurt knowing that she went against my wishes knowing how important this party was to Maya and her family. I just wanted to show her my appreciation for all the kindness she’s shown me since we were kids.
She’s my little sister… My big brother feels like Maya and her aunt are our extended family and it was a really generous act. But my mom is threatening to kick me out if I don’t get the money back from Maya. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You need to create your own bank account as soon as possible and transfer all the money to it so she doesn’t have access to it. Expecting you to pay for her partner’s bail makes me think she wouldn’t have an issue taking the money from your account, and since it’s a joint account she has every legal right to take it all from there.” catfoodonmyshelf
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and you need to get a new checking account as soon as possible. There’s absolutely no reason why a working adult should share access with anyone other than a spouse, and even then you should never put all your funds in the joint account.
Your mom sounds like a piece of work. The audacity to demand her daughter pay for her ex’s bail is just unbelievable. Then she has the nerve to say a close friend is less important than some random ex of hers. Yikes.
You need to call the bank and let them know those charges are valid.
Things like DJs and catering companies will have all the information of the person who booked them and you’re putting your friend at risk of being accused of fraud. It’s your finances, your friend, and your mom is a jerk if she kicks you out over some deadbeat ex needing your funds.” Turbulent-Army2631
5. AITJ For Refusing To Get A Loan For My Mom?
“I (19M) decided to leave the place where I grew up because of what was happening with my mom (44F) and her restaurant.
My mom decided to start a restaurant around 2007 after she and my dad divorced, it was quite successful but the problem is that it was hers.
She has a big problem with money, even if the restaurant was successful, it wasn’t enough. She’s addicted to lottery, and scratch card things and is completely obsessed with them, not only that, she always likes to buy expensive stuff even when going on vacation, she can’t help herself and always goes to a very expensive hotel.
She also has a lot of anger problems while being an absolute racist and sexist which didn’t help our relationship either.
My sister (30F) is like a puppet to my mom, even when she had her job in another city, my mom made her quit for some help with the restaurant knowing she wouldn’t refuse.
So, my mom decided to stop renting the place where the restaurant was and buy another place right next to it, for 200000€ which she was going to pay every month for 4 years, with the end date being June 30th, 2022. It all started great, but then the global crisis hit and she stopped paying the money (sidenote, she’d always had problems with that), so to stop her debt from increasing, she ‘gave me’ the restaurant as soon as I turned 18, and tried to make me get a loan in the bank to pay the restaurant (+75000€), which I refused.
I was studying to finish my bachelor’s and taking care of my 80-year-old grandma every single night, since not even a single one of my 4 uncles wanted to help, so I was the one who had to not sleep while keeping up with my studies, doing all the paperwork for the restaurant and working every Saturday.
So it’s June 2021, and after a very heated argument, telling my mom I couldn’t take it anymore and that I refused to get that loan, she told me to move in with my father, so I asked him for help, my father who does have a lot of money and a very big house, and he refused to let me in even if it was for a few months, I don’t know why.
So right when I was about to give up, my partner, who knew about all of this and more stuff around that time, had me take a 4-hour bus and just move with her and my in-laws.
It’s been a year since then and I’ve never been so happy, I couldn’t ask for a better family now and I hope this lasts forever, but I can’t help but look back and ask myself if I made the correct choice leaving them behind.
My sister and I kept in touch for a while because they still had hopes that I would do the loan stuff, now I know that she needed it, her partner lost his job and now they are both broke, my mother called me giving me an ultimatum saying that she would harm herself if I didn’t accept, and most of all, I miss my grandma dearly.
My relationship with my father is going better, he decided to actually pay for my studies for next year, so that’s a start.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I am very sorry OP that your parents, especially your mom, were not here for you when you needed it the most. Your mom brought this situation to herself and is now facing the consequences of her actions.
If you agree to her demands, she will not only bring you down with her financially but will also ask for MORE and MORE from you. She will never accept you setting boundaries and will pull these kinds of horrible and manipulative tactics every time you show some resistance.
Again, you are not responsible for the consequences that arose from the decisions made by these ADULTS; Your sister, her partner, and especially your mom.
I don’t know where your dad lives (does he allow you to come visit him?) or where you will go to school, but is it possible for you to visit your grandma from time to time?
Is she able to talk on the phone?
Again, sorry OP for everything that you went through, and I am happy that you found people like your partner and in-laws!” Myvas
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She threatened to harm herself? Seriously? If you can get that in text or a recording, then call the police and have them admit her to the mental hospital for observation.
Then if she didn’t mean it, she would stop being so dramatic and manipulative. 3 days in a psych ward tends to put people in a different frame of mind. She is set on trying to use you. You needed to do right for yourself and being there was not good for you.” KittKatt7179
4. AITJ For Leaving My Coworker's Daughter's Birthday Party Early?
“I (32f) work with Cathy (42f).
Cathy invited everyone at the office to her daughter’s pool/BBQ birthday party. I was the only one who responded yes but said that I had other plans and could only stay for a little while.
Cathy recently complained about her daughter showering every day and said it was a teenage thing.
She said that she and her husband only shower when they wash their hair, every 4-5 days. On other days they swim in the pool so they don’t need to. She has really poor food hygiene. She brings lunch in unwashed Tupperware and doesn’t refrigerate foods.
They are upper middle class, grew up in this culture, and have no known disabilities that would explain this.
I didn’t want to go at all, but I felt bad that no one was going and a lot of people in the office gossiped about her a lot.
Other than the hygiene, she’s a very nice person and coworker.
I showed up to the party and there were very few people. I gave the birthday girl a gift card and played a yard game. I didn’t eat or drink anything or go in the pool, stating that I was going to dinner after this.
Others were avoiding the food and pool too.
On Monday Cathy confronted me. Her daughter and friend went to the mall to do some shopping. This happened to be the same mall I went to and they saw me eating in the food court alone.
She asked what happened to my plans and I said they were cancelled. She didn’t believe me and didn’t talk to me anymore that day.
On Tuesday I came in to work and learned from the coworkers that Cathy talked about me behind my back, saying I was rude and gave a used gift card.
That was a lie. I walked out to her desk and asked why she was gossiping about me. She said she wasn’t. I then told her that I knew she talked about me because the coworkers knew I gave her daughter a gift card and I hadn’t mentioned this before.
She then went off saying that I was responsible for hurting her daughter’s feelings for leaving the party early and not eating food or going in the pool. Cathy said her daughter is at a rough age and doesn’t have a lot of friends so I should have just joined in.
Even her cousins didn’t come.
I lost it and told her that my choice had nothing to do with her daughter because she was the most normal in the group. I didn’t go in the pool because her dirty family used it as a bathtub and didn’t eat the food because I didn’t want to get sick.
She was upset and left the office in tears. About 10 people saw this. I went to HR to get ahead of it but our rep is a joke so nothing has happened. Cathy has been back in the office but refuses to talk to me.
At first, I didn’t think I was a jerk because I had gone and was only standing up for myself. But I also feel bad because the daughter was hurt and I’ve been in similar shoes. My father was very embarrassing growing up and while I went to friends houses, they rarely came to mine because they were uncomfortable with my parents.
I feel like a lot of family and friends didn’t come up because of the parents.”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – I feel that one right way to handle this would have been to be honest but polite. ‘My other plans were a white lie because I didn’t want to embarrass you, but we have different hygiene standards and I wasn’t comfortable being in your pool or eating your food.
I’m so sorry about misleading you but wasn’t sure how to tell you the truth in front of other people. I hope this won’t get in the way of our work relationship’.
The other way was to double down, instead of asking why she was gossiping tell her you heard she had a problem with the gift card and ask her if you can help her get it replaced, and after that just be cordial and distant.
Blowing up and telling her the truth in a cruel and judgmental way (though I would share the judgment), neither of you will be able to work in a drama-free environment.” jbwise1221
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You tried so hard to be nice and she kept pushing.
You answered her questions honestly when she pushed. She didn’t like what she heard, but that’s on her. Sounds like she’s washed her hands clean of you, which would be the first thing she’s washed in a while.” ScreamingSicada
3. AITJ For Not Paying For Someone's Tire?
“My daughter (19, mildly autistic) supposedly cut this guy off at a light yesterday. He ran over a median and blew one of his front tires, to avoid hitting her.
He then proceeded to chase her down to a parking lot and screamed in her face that she was responsible for it. She panicked, started crying, and called me. I was at work just 2 miles away. So I sped up there to handle the situation.
She’s only had her license for a month.
He was still yelling at her when I got there and I jumped out and told him to stop. That she’s autistic and he’s just upsetting her. He then screamed that maybe she shouldn’t be driving then.
I listened to his explanation of what happened. He kept saying he had 5 witness statements. They couldn’t believe she just kept driving… Gave him the insurance cards and stuff. He wouldn’t give me his. I stated that because she hadn’t hit him, I didn’t think my insurance would cover it.
He said we didn’t have to go through the insurance, I told him I’d rather use my insurance as that’s why I paid for it. And that I wouldn’t just be writing him a check.
He yelled at me then about not taking responsibility for her actions.
I told him I gave him my insurance information, that was me taking responsibility. It wasn’t my fault if they deemed the damage not her fault.
Then he yelled that he could have just hit her and caved in her back passenger door. Then it would’ve been your fault dude.
He yelled back that he knew that because he was a cop. WHAT?!
So an off-duty cop tried to get me to write him a check for his blown tire when the accident would have been his fault in the first place and he’s the one who admitted it?
Am I in the wrong for not writing him a check?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I would have simply told him there wasn’t money in my account for that at the moment so the insurance information would have to do. And then I probably would have questioned where he was a police officer and gotten his information and made a report about how he intimidated your daughter, demanding payment from you on the spot while admitting that if he’d hit your daughter in the circumstances he laid out that he would have been at fault.
Besides, choosing to chase her down with a blown-out front tire probably did more damage than if he’d just pulled over, stopped, and put the spare tire on his vehicle immediately. Why should you be responsible for that? If someone cuts you off, you hit your brakes.
If you’re at a light, you shouldn’t be going so fast that you have to swerve to avoid hitting someone.
If you’re an officer, you should have substantial training on how to handle the vehicle in such a situation. Since she didn’t actually hit him, the insurance company may well decide she wasn’t at fault for the damage done to his car.
They may decide that if he had just hit the brakes without swerving, he wouldn’t have had that damage done to his car. His own behavior makes his explanation suspicious. You should sit down with your daughter when she’s completely calm, and ask her what her side of the story is.
This is a great opportunity to remind her about driving safely, looking twice before switching lanes, and that cutting people off is a good way to get into accidents.
Because I don’t know how this guy could have both chased after your daughter AND gotten 5 witness statements.
Sounds like he was blowing a line of bull up your rear.” jammy913
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
This guy sounds like a major jerk – poor behavior, an inconsistent story, and unreasonable demands.
However it is also worth noting that your daughter potentially did commit a crime by causing an accident and then leaving the scene of an accident – obviously, there is nowhere near enough information here to say one way or the other, but there is a potential for her getting into trouble if she were deemed at fault for pulling out into another vehicle…” nrsys
2. AITJ For Telling My Siblings I'll Donate All Of My Inheritance From Them To Organizations They're Opposed To?
“My brother and sister are in their late 70s and I am 64.
They live in New York City and believe I am a tofu-loving, flower-planting meditation freak just because I live in California. They are in poor health, I am not. Although we live on opposite coasts we share the same political views and are in alignment on most social issues.
They both own their homes free and clear, have substantial savings, and enjoy a comfortable life. Both their spouses died and neither had any children. I’m their only sibling.
I recently discovered neither has a will. I learned this because they started telling me which friends and kids of friends and organizations I should distribute their assets to, in the event they passed before I did.
I explained that if they passed without a will they’d go through probate, that’s a time-consuming process and the courts would be involved and that it’s probably true I would inherit everything but it would be complicated for me to have to figure out the mess and that it made so much more sense for them to set up their estates so that they could decide how to distribute.
They were furious because they felt I was already comfortable and I shouldn’t keep anything and it would be no big deal for me to take on doling out the money. I explained that setting up their estate would make it easy and clear for everyone and that to put the responsibility of figuring out who gets what after they’re gone is unfair to me and makes me the bad person when certain people are left out.
After arguing about this for a number of weeks I had enough and announced to them that if they died before me and didn’t set up their estates, I would take all the assets I inherited (which would be everything) and donate to right-wing organizations that held the exact opposite position they held.
In addition, I’d do it in their honor. Needless to say, they are not speaking to me. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You explained to them why they need to have wills. They still refuse to do that short paperwork.
It’s unreasonable for them to expect you would do it on their behalf just because it’s more likely they will die sooner.
Also, life is full of surprises. While I wish you a long and happy life, OP, there is no guarantee that they will die before you. So it’s really best they do their paperwork and get wills.” Easy-Concentrate2636
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here but mostly YTJ.
There’s no reason for them not to get a will, but your siblings wouldn’t be the ones paying, the innocent victims of conservatism would. Imagine having your life ruined or threatened in part because someone you never met didn’t want to be inconvenienced and was being petty.
You don’t seem to care about that at all, you’re only worried about hurting your siblings with this action. Do you even hold these views at all? You’re obviously very privileged if to you politics are just a bargaining chip, rather than a matter of life or death consequences in the real world.
You think the right is just a rival sports team or some crap.” Mackadal
1. AITJ For Expecting My Husband To Cancel His Plans With His Friend To Take Care Of Our Dogs?
“I (32F) am currently in PA (physician assistant school).
My husband (35M) is a lawyer and we’ve been together for 13 years. No kids but we have 4 dogs and a cat.
About a month ago my husband’s friend wanted him to write a review for a product he recently launched (new business owner) and as an aside invited him to visit.
They live in an area where it snows. I said sure when I am done with finals so we had planned for the weekend of December 16th.
On Tuesday, December 6th my dad had a stroke while I was in class. I had a panic attack and came home.
My husband came home a few hours later and hadn’t checked my texts so did not know what was going on. He’s been really busy with work. That morning I woke up with a 103.5 fever, chills, and an awful headache, and was unable to attend school or even get up aside from once or twice all day to go to the bathroom and get a drink of water.
So my whole Wednesday was spent asleep.
On Thursday I still wasn’t feeling well and he was at work but my dad was finally being released from the ICU. They live 3 hours away. I had a test Friday morning I could not miss so I took the dogs to daycare (I wore a mask).
I passed my test on Friday, but now it’s Saturday and I still don’t feel great. This has been an incredibly trying time and my husband has been pretty much absent in regards to emotional support. It is an area that is difficult for him.
He did make sure to buy me medicine, Pedialyte, and food but was too busy to help with the dogs.
I am planning on going to my parents now when I’m done with my last final December 16th. This week while I’ve been sick and out of it apparently he has been enthusiastically planning the Dec 16 ski getaway and seemed shocked when I told him I would not make it.
He asked me what we were going to do with the dogs if I was going to my parents.
Am I wrong to be mad that he a. couldn’t make plans for the dogs or b. postpone the weekend away so he could watch the dogs while I go help my parents?
I understand he has a high-stress job and supports us and I appreciate him for that but I have felt zero love from him during this time and just feel like this should take precedence right now and he should want to be as supportive as possible.
I understand he’s excited to get away and see his friends but I feel completely alone and it makes me feel like I don’t understand the point of being married if when things get tough this is the type of support I get.
So, AITJ?
Am I being unreasonable?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
He’s a grown-up too, he can arrange things while you take care of your dad.
If he was SUPER awesome, he would postpone and go with you to help as well, however, the least he can do is cover all the bases for him leaving if that’s what he chooses to do.
It’s immature for him to expect you to take care of it while you’re preoccupied with feeling better and caring for your dad.” nicolepleasestop
Another User Comments:
“So your dad has a stroke and only lives 3 hours away and you didn’t, on Tuesday go straight to him?
Unwell or not?
Instead, you’ve decided to now go and see your parents 10 days after the stroke and your husband is supposed to be a mind reader so this would be when you decide this is a priority? So he alone is responsible for the dogs?
They’re a joint responsibility. So you both need to either communicate or make plans for the dogs. And to be honest, given that you haven’t gone to see your parents beforehand I think that YTJ about the dogs.
His not having provided ample emotional support, is something that you need to discuss.
But given you state he finds emotions difficult and was working pretty much non-stop, and certainly, you’ve not given the impression of being so concerned about your dad given you’ve not visited and a 6-hour round trip is easily doable in a day, even if not the ideal, I’m not sure what blame he really should be carrying here.
I wonder if you’re simply projecting, to be honest.” Full_Traffic_3148
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