People Want To Start A Discussion Regarding Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories

There will be instances when you need to speak or act in front of others very carefully, especially those you don't know well. One of the unpleasant things that may happen if you are not too careful with your behavior is being appraised by these people and having them think that you are a jerk even though you know that you are not. Here are some stories from people who have been labeled as jerks. Tell us who you think is the real jerk as you read on. AITJ = Am I the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk WIBTJ = Would I be the jerk? YTJ = You're the jerk

19. WIBTJ If I Refuse To Trade Bedrooms With My Roommate?


“I rent a basement room in a house. The rooms upstairs in the house are also rented out to 4 other people. Everyone has a lock in their bedroom. One of my roommates that just moved to the area recently found out about us sometimes getting tornado warnings around here.

She’s kind of freaked out about them and wanted to trade bedrooms with me. I do not want to because I love my bedroom. It’s the most spacious in the house. It has its own bathroom. I don’t have to worry about being too loud.

It’s also way more private and I have my own entrance outside.

The way it’s set up in this house is there is a door inside on the first floor that opens to stairs that lead down into the basement. At the bottom of the stairs there is a small rectangular area with a locked door to my bedroom on the right.

Even though the area at the bottom of the stairs/in front of my bedroom is small there is still enough room for 4 people to sit or even lay down. So my roommates would be perfectly safe there for the relatively short time of a tornado.

I thought maybe she hadn’t gone down there yet and didn’t know about the area.

She did though and explained to me that she wanted my bedroom because I have a bathroom in there. She confided in me that she has digestive problems and sometimes needs the toilet right away or she will have an accident.

She was worried about needing the toilet during a tornado warning. She said she was also embarrassed to bring up her condition, but now that I know she requested I give her a spare key to my bedroom in case of an emergency.

I told her if I am home when there’s a tornado and she needs to use the toilet I will of course let her, but I don’t feel comfortable with anyone having access to my room when I’m not there. She brought up how I am not at home often and the chances of me being home to let her use the toilet were slim.

Which is sort of true. I am gone for the majority of the day and don’t get home until late at night. I also go out of town often for trips on the weekend.

I suggested she purchase one of those emergency toilet buckets and keep it at the bottom of the stairs with the other emergency supplies.

She was very put off by that suggestion and said it would be humiliating to have to poo in front of our roommates. I had to leave for work so we ended the conversation there. Obviously, I can’t talk to my roommates to get their opinions since I can’t tell them about her digestive issues.

So that’s where I am now.”

Another User Comments:

“Based on the information provided, it seems that you are not the jerk (NTJ) for not wanting to give up your bedroom and for suggesting alternative solutions to your roommate’s problem. While it’s understandable that your roommate has concerns about tornado warnings and her digestive issues, it’s not fair for her to expect you to give up your preferred living space.

You’ve offered a reasonable solution and it’s up to her to decide if she wants to use it. Ultimately, it’s important to prioritize your own needs and boundaries when it comes to your living situation.” User

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – First come, first served – that’s your space and she has no right to make any kind of demands for either a switch or her so-called ’emergency access’.

Her excuse is bogus and ridiculous. If she’s sheltering down there, she can use the emergency toilet you recommended she get and just deal. Demanding to keep a key to your private space just on the chance that there MIGHT be a tornado warning and she MIGHT have to take shelter and she MIGHT need to use the bathroom is ridiculous.

She’s being ludicrously entitled and deserved to be shut down with no further discussion of the issue. Tell her to go handing out keys to her room to whoever wants one since she thinks that such a great idea.” Dipping_My_Toes

Another User Comments:


But, keep in mind that ‘no’ is a complete answer and requires no additional explanation. If she keeps pressuring you about this tell her she is making you uncomfortable. If she continues, tell your landlord. She may or may not have some kind of gastrointestinal problem, but that is not your concern or your responsibility to fix or accommodate. I lived in tornado alley, nothing she’s saying makes sense. She wants your room because it’s bigger and it has its own bathroom. That is the beginning and the end of her issue.” Icy-Dragonfruit-6747

7 points - Liked by IDontKnow, shko1, Amel1 and 4 more

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silvabelz 8 months ago
Does she live on another planet? Did she not know that the place she would be moving to is in a tornado zone? Sounds like little kid excuses.
She wants the bigger room with a private bathroom. She gave you the tornado warning excuse and only when that didn't work did she mention her "condition". Then when she STILL didn't get her way she has the audacity to ask for a key to your private space. I guarantee that she'd be using your bathroom on a constant basis and probably not clean up after herself.
I tend to be cynical, that's why I put "condition" in quotes. I'll bet she won't have any bathroom issues that the other roommates complain about because her "condition" doesn't exist, except for the purpose of trying to get you to switch rooms. Again, I tend to be cynical so when a story sounds ridiculous I'm hypersensitive to it. I wouldn't put it past her to try and turn your roommates against you.

NTJ and stick to your guns. And whatever you do, DO NOT give her a key to your room.
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18. AITJ For Not Reducing The Rent?


“I let someone live in my house for free while he tried to get his ‘dream job.’ Well, he got it a week ago and won’t stop reminding me he’s taking a pay cut for this job. It’s a huge room with a private bath, private balcony, two sliding door closets, and an additional walk-in storage closet in the hallway.

There is central air and heat, the fastest internet my address can get, and two outdoor spaces. There is a laundry room. The hardwood flooring is brand new. We agreed the rent would start after he got his new job. He told me repeatedly, ‘Once I get this job, I can pay rent like a normal tenant no problem.’

He got the offer over a week ago for the new job.

I told him this week the lease would start on March 15 and rent would be $1,350 with internet and all utilities included, and he balked at that price. I told him fine, that we could do 3 months at $1,000 and then 9 months at $1,350 with all utilities included.

Nope, he’s still balking at that price. His reasoning is that he HAS to buy a $15,000 car and it HAS to be a used Prius. I encouraged him to buy a cheaper car and widen the brands and models he’s considering, but he refuses because a Prius with specific options is his ‘perfect car.’ I have never spent that much on a car.

He acts like because I own a home I must be rich.

I am 1 mile West of SoFi Stadium in Inglewood. My tenants in 2012 paid $1,250/month, so I have only increased the rent by $100 in 11 years and he’s complaining.

I worked hard to buy this house (80-100+ hrs a week for all of my 20s) and work hard now to maintain it. You cannot find a private room with a private bath anywhere near me for the price I am offering him.

The only cheaper place near me is a dormitory-style house where 4 adults share 1 bedroom (2 bunk beds) for $750. I do think that’s outrageous and believe what I’m offering is more than fair. I feel like telling him, if you think you can find a better deal then do it.

He’s acting like I’m a jerk for not lowering the rent. Am I the jerk for taking this position? Am I being a jerk for refusing to reduce the rent?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You’re charging him less than the market rate already.

You already gave him a great deal by allowing him to live rent-free, and he wants more.

Avoid getting involved in his finances – that’s his problem to figure out. Even if you were rich, that doesn’t make it okay for him to take advantage of you.

Let him find somewhere else to live, if he thinks you’re charging too much. You helped him out when he needed it, it’s not your responsibility to continue to subsidize him indefinitely.” SirMittensOfTheHill

Another User Comments:

“You are not the jerk for expecting your tenant to pay rent once he has secured his dream job.

It is reasonable to expect him to pay the market rate for the room and amenities you are offering, especially considering the location and quality of the space. It is also reasonable to set a deadline for when the rent will start, as you have done with March 15.

It seems like your tenant is being unreasonable in expecting you to lower the rent because he wants to buy a specific car. While it’s understandable that he wants his ‘perfect car,’ it’s not your responsibility to accommodate his financial decisions.

You have already offered him a fair deal, and it’s up to him to decide whether or not he wants to accept it.

Overall, you are NTJ in this situation. It’s important to set boundaries and expectations as a landlord, and you have done that.

It’s up to your tenant to decide whether or not he can afford to live in your space.” User

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – make it very clear that the market rate for that space was $1250 in 2011, and based on that and market-based increases, the current value would be ~$2000.

You are offering him $1350 which also includes internet and utilities, and that is no longer negotiable. Rent charging started the first day of his job, he is expected to pay, and he is more than able to move out immediately if the terms are unacceptable, but expected to pay $325 for every week or portion thereof until he has vacated the premises.” txa1265

5 points - Liked by IDontKnow, StumpyOne, Amel1 and 2 more

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silvabelz 8 months ago
1350 is the price. Pay it or leave.
Stand firm. Just because you gave him a break in the beginning, doesn't mean you have to now. He agreed to the terms until it was time to actually pay.
Everything else is his problem. He wants a specific car and that's why he can't pay the full amount for rent? Let him go live with his parents, at a shelter or impose on another friend.
NTJ and don't buckle under.
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17. AITJ For Telling My Dad's Wife And Her Parents To Calm Down?


“My dad was a single dad by choice to me and my brother. I’m 17 now and my brother is 15. The surrogate he used was a childhood friend of his. He wanted kids and wasn’t in a relationship. She loved him (as a friend) and didn’t want kids of her own but offered it to him.

And yes, I do know without any doubt that it was legit surrogacy used and it was not them hooking up. I have photographic proof and a book Dad kept for both me and my brother and on the journey of having us.

Anyway, when I was 12 he met his wife Sian. She was cool and we all got along fine. But once they got married 3 years ago things started to get a little awkward and weird. She seemed to expect that we’d look at her as a mom and didn’t like that we only claimed one parent (we claimed her as a family just not our parent).

Her parents were also weirded out by the fact we were good with saying we had no mom, that we were born via surrogacy, and that we had a good childhood.

A few times we’d be asked if it wasn’t nice to have a mom now (by her parents) or she would ask if we wanted her to adopt us and make our relationship official.

Dad took my brother and me aside last year and told us that she just needs to feel like she’s as important to the family as each of us is. That she feels awkward. So if she tries too hard or it feels like she’s begging for confirmation, just know she’s feeling insecure and just wants to feel loved and wanted by us.

Three weeks ago our grandparents and Sian’s parents were over and the whole thing came up yet again. Sian’s parents brought up the whole mother thing again in a discussion with my grandparents about our surrogate (that Sian’s parents brought up).

My grandparents said she wasn’t our mother, she was our surrogate. They also said she did such a wonderful thing for us. I agreed and said she was never our mom but we would always be glad she was willing to let Dad become a dad.

This made Sian and her parents emotional and they were talking about how we missed out and how Sian could fill that. Dad said we didn’t need to go over it again. Sian’s parents said my brother and I needed more.

I said we weren’t lacking anything and they needed to relax. They got really loud and I told them to calm down, which started an eruption from Sian and her parents.

3 weeks later Sian and her parents still feel like I owe them an apology and that I should have been glad they were worried about me.


Another User Comments:

“NTJ. It sounds like Sian/her parents really think having a mother is important. They’re completely disregarding and ignoring the fact that you, your brother, and your father have all been happy with this lifestyle/upbringing. And honestly, at your age – it is really really hard to try and bond with a ‘motherly’ figure.

They need to refrain from this talk with you and your brother as it clearly is upsetting/pushing something you’re not comfortable with!” inmyfeelings2020

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – You need to have a talk with your dad about how your feelings are not going to change and she is making you uncomfortable.

Then HE needs to be clear with his wife that any continued pressure from her or her parents about you letting her be your ‘mom’ is not acceptable and if she cannot accept her relationship with his children as it is, then it is going to impact the relationship she has with him.

You and your brother are the kids here. It is not your job to meet her emotional needs in the way that she is expecting.

Yes, your outburst was rude. But they were adults ganging up on children and you have a right to defend yourself against that.

It is not your responsibility to take the high road or be the bigger person. She is the adult.” Forward_Squirrel8879

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Sian and her parents are more attached to the idea in their heads about what ‘should’ happen with children than to the reality of your family’s life.

It’s absurd for them to come in at this point, when you are happy and healthy (and likely well adjusted, based on this story), and declare that you need more. I’m glad your dad did say something, but he needs to take a firmer stance on this. You have expressed your feelings and Dad needs to now take charge and enforce those boundaries you have laid out with his wife.” emumcbird

5 points - Liked by IDontKnow, StumpyOne, Amel1 and 2 more

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Jackskellingtongirl83 8 months ago (Edited)
Why can't they just leave things as they are and accept you are happy!? You can't force relationships in people. You guys went practically your whole lives with no mom and are fine with it. Your dad was wonderful at explaining the surrogacy experience with you guys. Your dad's wife or whatever she is needs to let things be as they are or she will lose your respect and won't have any relationship with you guys. Let your dad know where you stand with everything. He needs to talk to this women and her parents to mind their own business. Leave you guys be. You are happy and loved that's all that matters. NTJ
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16. AITJ For Coming To A Wedding Without My Partner?


“One of my best friends is getting married in the summer. He has explained that it will be a small event and that +1s are not invited.

To give you some background, I used to be very close to my friend. We lived together when we were students and went traveling together several times.

Unfortunately, I have not seen him very much in the last few years as we are living in different countries and our lives have diverged a bit.

On the other hand, I have been with my partner for 3 years now and we have been living together for about 2 years.

She has never met my friend who is getting married and would not know anyone at the wedding.

I would very much like to go to my friend’s wedding as I haven’t seen him or our old group of friends in a long time.

However, my partner is very angry at the thought of me going without her. If she’s not invited, she believes the right thing to do is for me not to go either. She feels left behind. We do most things together, and she says if it was her she would not go to a similar event without me.

AITJ for wanting to go to my friend’s wedding even if my partner is not invited?”

Another User Comments:


Her expectations are selfish in this instance. If she was singled out and everyone else had a plus one then I would understand. It’s not even someone she’s met before however it is a long-time close friend of yours that you haven’t seen in a long time and if it were me I would resent missing out on a close friend’s wedding celebration.

My advice go have fun.” cherryblossom1994

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – it’s completely understandable for you to want to go; and completely unreasonable for her to think you should not attend if she isn’t invited.

You should tell her you are going, and sorry, but no plus ones invited and that’s that.

I assume that in any other plus-one situation obviously, you would take her, but this is different.
If there is fallout from that – it’s a symptom of a larger issue. She might b jealous; or insecure, but either way, you should talk about this.

Please go and support your friend! He chose to invite you to a small intimate wedding, and wants you there to share in his joy!” JanieEllen

Another User Comments:


‘my partner is very angry at the thought of me going without her. If she’s not invited, she believes the right thing to do is for me not to go either.

She feels left behind. We do most things together, and she says if it was her she would not go to a similar event without me.’

OP, I’m gonna be straight with you – your partner should really consider talking to a therapist because this is an issue with her – never spending time apart from an SO is a recipe for an unhealthy, codependent relationship.

Your partner has no right to be ‘angry’ – zilch, none, nada. You going to a friend’s wedding is not a personal insult or an act of malice deserving of anger.

I say all this because several of my previous relationships have been deeply unhealthy and codependent and she’s sounding just a little too much like those exes.

Codependent relationships can also pretty easily become abusive relationships.

Spending time apart is healthy for the relationship, it’s not realistic to expect you to do everything with her and that sort of expectation from my exes, alongside the harassment if I wanted to do something without them even once, caused a lot of resentment and ultimately killed the relationship altogether.

‘she says if it was her she would not go to a similar event without me.’

This is manipulative, whether she intends it to be or not, and manipulation has no place in a healthy relationship. She needs to deal with whatever issues she is experiencing instead of putting unrealistic expectations on you as her partner.” GenjisWife

5 points - Liked by IDontKnow, StumpyOne, shko1 and 2 more

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mima 8 months ago
Ntj she's selfish and immature.
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15. AITJ For Not Eating At My Mom's Birthday Dinner?


“I received a message via a family group chat that dinner was being organized tonight for my mother’s birthday. We always meet 30 mins before dinner to allow time for a drink, chat, and look over the menu.

The organizer said 630pm to meet for a 7 pm dinner, table was booked, but this was bad timing for a couple of us so I requested a 5:30 pm meeting and the other family member mentioned that would be better for her also.

We received no response.

The dinner was in a different town 30 minutes drive away. I have a newborn breastfed baby, my husband is away working, the venue was outdoors, and the weather was cold. I had suggested an earlier time mainly because by 6:30-7 pm the baby is getting grumpy, bathed fed, and put to bed.

However with no response I still reluctantly packed the baby bag and made the drive as per the organizer’s time and even arrived 10 minutes early at 6:20 pm.

I arrived to find the group (about 15 people) had been at the venue since 5-5:30 pm and had already ordered their food without me before I arrived.

Their food started being served about 5 minutes after I got there. They all live close to each other so communicated with themselves and didn’t inform the group chat.

I wished Mom a happy birthday but was so obviously annoyed I was not informed, and now had to order/eat alone and separate from the group.

So annoyed that I did not order any food at all out of spite. The group felt bad and were trying to give me leftover food from their plates, but I declined.

Once they finished eating I kissed my mother goodbye and left angry.

Picking up a dominos pizza on the way home and dealing with a grumpy out of sync baby the rest of the night.

Now they are saying I overreacted and was being dramatic.

Am I the jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Event start times are not decided by auction.

Someone should have thought to let you know they were accepting your new proposed time.

Not ordering food for yourself wasn’t spiteful. The timing didn’t work well for you in the first place and since everyone else was about finished eating already, there was even less reason to try to accommodate it.

Why spend an extra hour awkwardly eating alone in the cold with a cranky baby to make these people feel better when they couldn’t take 30 seconds to confirm the plan with you?” Shirley_Redemple

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – The organizer not confirming the new time was 5:30 and everyone showing up early seems like a simple miscommunication honestly, but what makes everyone else jerks here is that not a single one of them thought once to call or text you asking where you were when you didn’t show up.

It’s not as though you were just 5-15 minutes late from the new time either, you were late enough to where any normal person would start to wonder if something’s wrong.

The fact that no one in your family thought to try and see where you were sends the message they don’t care about your presence there and that hurts, regardless if it was a simple mistake or not.

I would probably have acted similarly if I had been in your position and I hope they apologize to you.” Starlass1989

Another User Comments:


It’s your mom’s birthday, my mom would be furious if any of her children were not fully informed of plans for her birthday and excluded, and even slightly.

It would ruin her birthday and break her heart.

Also, she would want to be able to spend a birthday dinner with her new grandchild. I can only assume your mom would feel the same, as would most moms.

Being frustrated makes sense.

You’re a new mom and trying to accommodate family and friends for your mother’s birthday and find out plans were changed without your knowledge (why was it necessary to finish planning OUTSIDE the group chat?! That makes no sense), not only throwing off your child’s schedule but yours as well.

It may seem dramatic to some, but as someone with no children but a big family that’s hard to plan things with, you are NTJ at all. You had every right to be frustrated.” Gangstalyn

4 points - Liked by IDontKnow, Amel1, lebe and 1 more

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Spaldingmonn 8 months ago
NTJ. You are no entitled mommy making demands. You were most definitely not over reacting or being dramatic. Do none of these mental giants realize how difficult it was for you to get there? And to not be informed about the change in meeting time is offensive. What did your mother have to say about this?
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14. AITJ For Being Supportive Of My Cousin Quitting Her Jobs?


“I’m in my thirties and my cousin Anne is a teenager. She had her first job a few months ago, at a local coffee shop. And they were blatantly… Like BLATANTLY breaking laws around how to treat employees. She quit and got a job at a diner.

And that place was even sketchier. She quit on the spot when her boss wouldn’t help, or boot a creepy guy who kept coming back.

Her parents were mad she’d gone through 2 jobs in as many months and asked me if I’d talk to her about her work ethic.

They wanted me to because I’m an executive at a tech company, I’ve busted my ass to get there, and they know it.

But I told my niece I was proud of her, it’s a skill it took me years to learn, to bounce when a job was doing illegal stuff or putting me in danger.

Not having done that quickly enough as a young woman had put me in dangerous situations myself.

I thought the best career advice I could give is to go into every job with eyes wide open, see it for what it is, and if you don’t like what you see, get out as soon as possible.

And she already understood that, without even needing me.

And that I never regretted getting out – for every place that was sketchy or dangerous, there was another who’d up my pay and treat me better. And by seeking out employers who were fair and ethical and respectful, I positioned myself for advancement.

Because there’s no amount of work that’ll advance you at a job that’s openly hostile to you, you’re at a dead-end staying there. And my career really started advancing when I seek out employers that respected their staff and invested in their education and advancement.

The jobs I was getting in my 30s were worlds better than those I got in my 20s and my teens. And all because I kept it moving and treated every crappy job as a launching-off point to get a slightly-less-crappy job.

After talking, she felt a lot better since she’d been feeling like a failure for quitting. And we even put together a resume for her to start looking for something better.

But her parents were mad, they didn’t hear the whole conversation and were upset my advice had basically been that she was already doing the right thing, and I was proud of her.

My uncle called me angry telling me I was trying to raise his daughter to be a quitter, and I said I gave her the same advice I give every young woman I know. And that if he thought that was ‘quitter’s advice’ how’d he explain me getting to the top of my field by following it?

He got mad and said he wanted me to talk to her about the value of hard work – he sees me working nights and weekends all the time.

And I was like ‘Yeah because they’re literally paying me 20 times as much… It’s just supply and demand?’

He got really mad hearing that and told me it was inappropriate to try to teach his daughter the exact opposite lesson he’d asked me to.

I got frustrated too and said he really didn’t get what it’s like to be a woman at work, his advice wasn’t just bad, it was dangerous.

He hung up on me…

AITJ for getting so defensive about the advice I gave?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – I think that you gave your cousin some wonderful advice and I think that it’s great that you took it a step further by helping her get a jump on looking for job #3!

Her parents shouldn’t want her to work in an unsafe environment with people who treat her poorly and they should be proud of her for standing up for herself, and the fact that they are even disappointed by it means that they can get lost.

They should also value your opinions and experience given all that you have accomplished!” sammibajrami

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – your advice was superbly constructive, and no man is going to truly understand this perspective. The value of hard work for an employer who treats you like crap is exactly $0.00.

Also, as someone just entering the job market and with virtually no employment history to sabotage by job-hopping, this is the perfect time for her to explore the best possible employment alternatives and chart the most positive course for her future.

If anyone wants a bad job where illegal and dangerous practices are commonplace, those are always easy to find – just apply to Amazon. Or run for Congress.” motorwolfe

Another User Comments:

“NTJ! You gave her a sense of self-worth, told her not to work somewhere that was breaking the laws, and reaffirmed her self-worth when her boss wouldn’t boot the nasty man and back her up.

Dad is mad because you didn’t give her trouble for quitting jobs. He’s mad that you didn’t yell at her. He is mad because you told her she has a good head on her shoulders and should have quite those 2 jobs.

Dad is mad because, at the end of the day, she wasn’t going to take some more nonsense from either job and let herself be used and abused. Sounds like Dad is just aching for a whole ‘you’re a loser to me because you’ve already had two jobs’ and EVERYONE else will support MY OPINION.

Sorry Dad, not everyone agrees with your opinion, it’s 2023 and times have changed. Employees know their rights, worth, and what they won’t put up with.” SpanielGal

4 points - Liked by IDontKnow, StumpyOne, lebe and 1 more

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Jackskellingtongirl83 8 months ago (Edited)
NTJ it's never ok to work for a employer who blatantly breaks laws when working with teens. Your uncle in wrong. You gave her good advice. To keep eyes out and protect yourself. You should always know your rights. Plus it's not like your cousin is going to retire from any of these jobs. They are great learning experiences for your cousin and will definitely teach work ethic.
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13. AITJ For Having My Sister Walk Me Down The Aisle?


“I (23F) was raised by my older half-sister (32F). I never met my dad and our mom died because of substance addiction when I was 10 and my sister was 19. My sister’s dad was still in her life and was willing to support her, but not me.

My sister chose to be my guardian and her father’s family went in low contact with her as a result. In order to raise me she gave up a lot; her relationship with her father, college, her 20s, and so much more.

A few months ago I got engaged and I told my sister that in addition to being my maid of honor, I also wanted her to be the one to walk me down the aisle. All my life she’s had to fulfill so many roles for me – big sister, mother, father, friend – that it only felt right that those multiple roles be honored on one of the biggest days of my life.

My sister was ecstatic and so was I, but when I brought it up with my fiance he objected.

My future in-laws are very traditional and my fiance had always expected that his wedding would be a very traditional white wedding. He said that it was great that my sister was my maid of honor, but that her having two roles wasn’t and that it wasn’t appropriate for her to walk me down the aisle since that’s usually done by a man.

Apparently, his family had assumed that my future father-in-law would be the one to give me away since I don’t have any male relatives.

I told him that I appreciate his father being willing to fill that role, but that the one who make me the person I am is my sister and so it’s right that she be the one to give me away.

It turned into an argument that spread to my in-laws. My MIL called me a few days ago to say that although she understands how important my sister is to me, that it’s also my fiance’s wedding and I shouldn’t be putting my sister before him on his day.

I definitely heard her on that, but this is still important to me. At this point, my sister has even said that she doesn’t mind just being the maid of honor and that she doesn’t want to turn my happy day into something stressful.

So now it’s just me holding out and being stubborn, but I really don’t want to concede on this point. Am I being the jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ and this is a hill to die on in my opinion.

How is it that you’re ‘holding out and being stubborn’ – couldn’t you say that about your fiancé? He wants to take away something meaningful to you because he wants things to appear his way – that’s entirely self-serving.

You’re not putting your sister before him, you’re putting her on your side, right where you want her.

This is weird controlling behavior on your fiancé’s part, and it gives a very bad vibe about him and his family. What happens down the road when/if you decide to have children? If you pick out a child’s name, does he get to veto that and replace it with a name of his choosing, too? What’s your role going to be in his ‘traditional’ household, and is that ok with you?

I’m not saying to end things over this disagreement, but do take a good look at where you are and where you’re heading before going forward.” JsCTmav

Another User Comments:


It is your fiance’s wedding, but it’s also yours.

Your fiance can choose who is there/in what roles to support/represent him and his family.

YOU get to choose who is there/in what roles to support/represent you and your family.

You are being told by your soon-to-be family that a male must ‘give you away’ because their idea of traditional gender roles trumps your own family situation/identity.

I can almost guarantee they will not back down on their position, however, so you will almost definitely need to either relent or deal with the fallout afterward… possibly even during the wedding.

If you agree with the importance of gender roles, I’d say do what shuts them up.

But, if you don’t agree… You need to decide if that’s a belief set you want to marry into.” AnonymousTruths1979

Another User Comments:

“You should really reconsider your future husband.

Hear me out… If he knows you, if he understands your life, your past, and everything your sister sacrificed for you…

if he understands the bond between you two, and this is his stance regarding your wedding… If he’s rather have his father walk you down the aisle, someone, you don’t have a deep decades-long relationship with because of ‘tradition’… You have to wonder what he’s going to ask of you for the rest of your marriage.

You should really ask yourself how much of this mindset and behavior is going to seep into your life after marriage. What will be his views on children? What are his and his family’s views on how they should be raised? Gender roles?

For a family placing this much on the optics of tradition – I have to wonder how they would treat your children if they are not born cis-hetero.

So much of how insistent they are on marginalizing your sister your only family in favor of the optics for the sake of tradition should make you want to have some very meaningful conversations before you move any further.

NTJ” Ms-Ann-Thrope2020

4 points - Liked by IDontKnow, StumpyOne, Amel1 and 1 more

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Bruinsgirl143 8 months ago
Ntj and keep your foot down I would die on this hill to ... this is your choice period he doesn't like it too bad
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12. AITJ For Telling My Dad To Get Lost When He Visited?


“I’m the oldest of 5 kids that my dad had with his second wife. We’re 13f, 10m, 8m, 4f, 2f. Our mom went crazy and left us when my youngest sister was a month old. Our dad stuck around for maybe 5 months after that before dropping us off at our half-sister’s (25f) place for what was supposed to be a couple of weeks then changing his number, deleting his email, and putting our house up for sale.

My sister was a full-time college student and was living in a one-bedroom apartment. She didn’t have the space, time, or money to take care of us so we ended up in foster care until she either got a new apartment and a better job or CPS could track down my dad and get him to take us.

We were in foster care for 8 months then went back to my sister when she graduated college and got a bigger apartment. She takes really good care of us. We always have food, we have good clothes and my siblings have a lot of toys, and she always makes sure I can participate in every class party or field trip.

It’s been really rough for my sister though. She sleeps on the couch because she can’t cram another bed into our rooms and she works 2 jobs. She’s out of the house by 2 every morning, comes back by 8 to make us breakfast and get us to school or daycare, then goes back to work at 1.

She says she doesn’t get much help from our dad or the state.

He showed up at our apartment a few days ago. I answered the door, he tried to hug me, I told him to get lost, then I shut the door in his face.

My sister came out of the bedroom and asked who it was and when I told her, she gave me $30 and told me to go to our babysitter’s apartment and see if she’ll let me stay with her for a couple of hours.

She picked me up from the babysitter’s apartment and the only thing she said was ‘Did you curse at your dad’. I told her what happened and she said that she gets why I’m mad but she said I can’t curse at him.

I know I shouldn’t have but I got into an argument with her because I was really upset and now I’m worried she’s mad at me.”

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here.

It is entirely understandable that you swore at your dad after all he has put you through.

It is entirely appropriate for a person who sees themself as being a responsible adult figure to you to discourage you from swearing/pulling you up on this.

Reading between the lines, your Dad clearly told your sister about you swearing, so if it is the first thing she said when she got back it might have dominated the conversation more than necessary, and been used as a critique of your sister’s care for you all.

Dad is the only jerk here, but can’t say NTJ as that would mean your sister was, and knowing all she is doing at her age there is no chance I am calling her a jerk. I’m going to cut her some slack for misplacing her frustrations on a crazy day.” sarasotanoah

Another User Comments:


Reading between the lines, I think your sister is trying to build a relationship with your dad, probably because she needs more money or for him to look after you occasionally. She must be absolutely exhausted and has no one else to help her out.

She probably hates him too, but she isn’t in a position to slam the door in his face.

Explain to her how you feel and that it will take a long time for you to build your own relationship with him. Ask if there’s anything you and your siblings can do to lighten the load.

Shop for her, or help cook a few nights each week?

If you do ever manage to speak to your dad, I would tell him that the least he could do is buy your sister a decent pull-out bed or sofa bed, so she doesn’t have to use the couch.” Holiday_Cat_7284

Another User Comments:

“I’m going with ‘no jerks here’ (except for your father, obviously).

You’re not a jerk for your reaction, many others would have done the same. Your father has let you down massively, and if your sister hadn’t stepped up then you and your siblings would probably be separated by several different foster carers.

Your anger is completely valid.

But also your sister isn’t a jerk either. You’re 13, and there will no doubt be discussions between your sister and your father that you aren’t privy to. Your sister may fear that your father will cut off what little financial support he’s sending.

She may worry that he’ll take your reaction to mean that you’re being raised badly and try to regain custody. Or perhaps he’s already said he wants you all back and she knows that he’ll be gathering evidence to this end.

I’m sorry that this is putting you in an awkward position. Your sister is also young, and she has taken on a great deal of responsibility in a very short amount of time. She may not be thinking entirely clearly, she may be worried about letting your father back into your life, or she may be feeling conflicted over rejecting his presence in your life.

I know this is hard, but try to give her some grace. At 13 you think you know everything (I know I did), but you’re still lacking a great deal of the life experience that makes us all mature adults. Apologize to your sister for shouting at her, and explain how you feel.

Tell her that you feel a great deal of hurt for the way your father abandoned you and that you’re not ready to welcome him back into your life with open arms. Tell her that you appreciate her taking you all in when it’s probably the hardest thing she’s ever done in her life.

Let her know that you can’t just go straight back to being your father’s daughter when there’s so much hurt still inside you.

I’m sure she will understand, I doubt she’s his number 1 fan at the moment either. At the very least you can aim to get your feelings out in a constructive way without descending into yelling at her, no matter how satisfying you think it might be at the time.” NannyOggsKnickers

Another User Comments:


Your jerk sperm donor – I would NEVER call that man a father – deserved far worse than being cursed out.

After only 5 months as a single dad, he dumped all of you on your half-sister and vanished entirely. When all of you needed him most.

Even if he couldn’t raise you, at a bare minimum, if he had provided child support, maybe you wouldn’t have had to go into the foster care system at all.

In the meanwhile, your half-sister made huge sacrifices in her own life to take care of you. Instead of starting her own life, now she’s a single foster mother. To five kids. And will be for at least the next 16 years.

Think about that for a minute.

Respect is earned, not given. Your sperm donor’s vanishing entirely permanently deprives him of any right to any respect whatsoever.

Your sister is absolutely NTJ for her feelings on the matter, either. She likely has a very strong belief that parents should be respected no matter what. I personally, completely disagree with her viewpoint.” bmyst70

4 points - Liked by IDontKnow, StumpyOne, shgo and 1 more

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rbleah 8 months ago
Why isn't anyone going to court and nailing him for child abandonment? Why didn't CPS go after him and arrest him for child abandonment?
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11. AITJ For Extending My Holiday So I Won't Be Present For My Son's Birthday?


“My son’s first birthday is in a couple of months. My son was born very early and spent the first couple of months in NICU. To say it was traumatic is a bit of an understatement, there were times my partner didn’t know if he would get to bring me or my son home.

His birth happened very quickly, I went in for a check-up and ended up being kept in and taken for an emergency c-section.

The closer it has gotten to my son’s first birthday, the more it is bringing up the trauma of what happened.

My side of the family are wanting to do a big get-together, to celebrate his birthday because we never got to do a baby shower or celebrate his birth together. When he did come home, we wouldn’t allow them to all come at once – we actually told them we came home a week later than we did.

We have repeatedly said that we aren’t planning on doing anything for his birthday.

When my son came home, my partner booked us a few days away before his first birthday as we thought he would be off his home oxygen by then.

As my family doesn’t seem to understand that we don’t want to do anything for my son’s first birthday, we made the decision to extend our holiday so that we now come home after his birthday. My family is now furious that we are away for my son’s first birthday and are claiming we are ruining my son’s birthday for them.

My mom has even told me I am being selfish by not allowing her to spend my son’s first birthday with him. She’s even said that she didn’t raise me to be this horrible to my grandparents (not her parents, they are my dad’s parents) as they may not be around to celebrate a second birthday with my son.

AITJ for purposefully extending my holiday so we are not around to celebrate my son’s first birthday?”

Another User Comments:

“From my understanding, your son will be traveling with you, so you will be with him for his birthday, you just won’t be having a big family get-together.

Birthday parties for one-year-olds are not for the kids – they are for the attendees. No kid remembers who was at that first birthday party. So you do what you need to do as a family, and if that’s just a low-key vacation, go for it.

Ultimately, if you are suffering long-term effects of the trauma surrounding his birth, you should consider therapy, though.

NTJ” Material-Profit5923

Another User Comments:


Births can absolutely be traumatic events and it sounds like this is something you’re still dealing with (which is absolutely okay).

Even if your birth had been smooth sailing, you don’t owe anyone a big shindig or celebration. Your son’s birthday is about him and the best thing you can do at this age is find some peace around his birthday so that you can celebrate as he gets older.” coastalkid92

Another User Comments:

“It sounds like you and your partner are still dealing with the emotional aftermath of your son’s traumatic birth and NICU stay.

It’s understandable that you might not want to relive that trauma by celebrating your son’s first birthday in a big way, especially if your family doesn’t seem to understand your perspective.

That being said, it’s also understandable that your family would want to celebrate your son’s milestone birthday, especially given the difficult circumstances surrounding his birth.

However, it’s not fair for them to try to guilt trip you into celebrating in a way that you’re not comfortable with.

By extending your holiday, you’re taking care of yourselves and doing what you need to do to cope with the difficult emotions that come up around your son’s birthday.

It’s important to prioritize your own mental health and well-being, especially when dealing with trauma.

In the end, it’s your decision how to celebrate your son’s birthday, and your family should respect that. It’s not selfish to prioritize your own needs and emotions, and it’s not fair for your family to try to make you feel guilty about it. NTJ.” Tall_Minute492

3 points - Liked by IDontKnow, StumpyOne and lebe

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Jackskellingtongirl83 8 months ago
NTJ your son won't remember his birthday anyways. You are more than within your rights to have a party or not. Your family doesn't get to tell you what you can and can't do with your son. You don't want to mentally handle the load of organizing a party and relive what happened. Your family is extremely rude and inconsiderate for not thinking of your feeling on this. Stick to your guns and whatever you decide is completely understandable.
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10. AITJ For Not Wanting My Wife To Take My Son To Girls' Lunches?


“My wife (29) went to lunch with her sister-in-law, her sister in laws mom, and my sister-in-law. Before she was pregnant they would have these ‘girls’ lunches’ every other week and usually would drink enough to be fairly tipsy to outright wasted.

Our baby is one month, and this is her first time having more than a few sips of liquor after giving birth.

When she got home I could smell the liquor on her breath. She said she only had two drinks over the course of 3 hours and I left it alone for a little while.

Once she started talking to me though it seemed as if she had more. So I asked her if she had more than two, and she said ‘Two and a half to three’. I told her I’m not comfortable with her taking our son to these lunches when they are going to drink.

Our sisters can be a bit pushy when it comes to drinking so I’m still not convinced it was only three drinks.

She got really upset with me and said I’m acting like she was some kind of wasted woman and that I don’t feel that our son is safe with her.

I told her that’s not the case and I just don’t want him being driven by someone who’s had any drinks. I said this was the first time she’s gotten wasted since giving birth and she probably should’ve only had one.

She’s mad at me and I think it’s completely unreasonable.

Am I the jerk?”

Another User Comments:


She is lying about drinks and in any relationship that is a red flag. Having too many is not a big deal from time to time. Why lie about it? That is not open or honest.

Doesn’t help promote trust, especially when a baby is involved. Being able to have that conversation is a show of responsibility. Maybe create a backup plan or a safeword so you know she needs to be picked up.” L1ttl3_wolf

Another User Comments:


She’s mad because somewhere in her head, she knows she is wrong.

‘She got really upset with me and said I’m acting like she’s some kind of wasted woman and that I don’t feel that our son is safe with her.’

You didn’t say it, she did.

You’re right, though. Her reflection on how her behavior was perceived is correct also. No driving under the influence and it’s even worse with a baby in the car – child endangerment. When she is wasted, she is more likely to stumble or fall, which could be bad if she is holding an infant.

Also, it compromises her ability to react quickly and correctly if a crisis starts happening.” whenitrainsitpours4

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Drinking and driving are never okay, especially when you have a child in the car. I would say a good solution is to keep the baby and let her go out with the girls every couple of weeks where she can Uber back home.

You do need to have a serious conversation with her that’s not accusatory but getting her to acknowledge the potential dangers of what she is doing. She doesn’t have the intention to put the baby in harm’s way, but that’s what she’s doing. Congrats on the baby!” Critical_Ad5857

3 points - Liked by IDontKnow, StumpyOne and lebe

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Jackskellingtongirl83 8 months ago
Yeaaaa drinking and bringing a baby with you to a lunch while having drinks is not ok. Definitely not ok to be tipsy. If she wants to drink she can find a sitter. This is a safety concern and huge red flag. Don't allow her to take the baby next time whether she agrees or not. NTJ
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9. AITJ For Not Helping The Girl In The Class?


“I (22F) am taking a graphic design course with a girl who we’ll call Wander (19F). Wander sits next to me and constantly needs help doing steps, she usually asks the teacher (while in the middle of his lecture) or another guy who sits next to her.

Today, my computer died (I’m allowed to use my own computer), so I was hand-taking notes, when Wander asks me for help. I tell Wander what to do, but she doesn’t do it (which is normal), she then asks me again to help her, and I physically show her what to do.

So, while trying to help Wander the teacher is talking and I’m missing what to do, after a few minutes of this (and getting frustrated) I told Wander that I couldn’t help her. She accused me of being a bad neighbor, she ended up doing something that was supposed to be done (without any help).

I just feel bad that I said that and want to know if I was wrong. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Sounds like in an ideal world, Wander would have to drop and retake the class, not inconvenience and distract everyone around her who IS catching on, and who wants/needs to pass the course.

You don’t indicate that you two are personal friends outside of class, but it doesn’t sound as if you owe her a thing. You keep focusing on your own studies and leave her to her own devices. And if she approaches you again, let her know, as gently or as strongly as you need to, that your focus is on YOUR success, she needs to focus on her own studies, and if she ends up having to repeat the class, that’s on her.” alliej0516

Another User Comments:


If the teacher is still talking, hold your hand up and tell her that you will answer once he is finished and you have a free moment. She’s a jerk for interrupting. Next – help is not expected from anyone and is given as a gift.

She seems to lack confidence in herself and is forgetting, asking too much, and taking advantage.” Impossible_List5746

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. It’s not on your to help others. Would it be nice? Of course. But if she can’t get through a class without asking for help then she either over (under?) estimated her abilities, just wants someone to actually do it for her, or is just messing around.

Move seats if possible and just maybe let the teacher know so they are aware. Don’t compromise your education. I work with 3rd graders who tend to be a helpful bunch, typically they ask if they can help around after they’ve finished their project or finished with our current step.” User

2 points - Liked by IDontKnow and StumpyOne

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Spaldingmonn 8 months ago
Please inform the teacher that this student's level of understanding is interfering with at least 3 students. This training institute has a responsibility to provide resources to any students who has identied that they require additional assistance. However, other students should never be considered as these resources. You don't mention what type of school but this feels like college. If this the case then I would be doubly concerned; you are not paying a lot of money to be the class TA.
What you have been doing is so much more then hoping a classmate and her comment about you being the bad neigh our is offensive. NTJ.
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8. AITJ For Uninviting My Mother-In-Law After She Tried To Sabotage My Wedding Dress?


“My future MIL has never been a fan of me (26F) for the entire duration of my and my fiancé’s (29M) relationship. I’m honestly not sure why it is that she’s always disliked me and been cold to me, but after multiple attempts over the years to build some type of relationship with her (we’ve been together for 4 years) nothing has worked.

She couldn’t care about me up until the wedding planning started a few months ago… My fiance and I are paying for the majority of the wedding ourselves, while my dad and stepmom are financially contributing as well. MIL and FIL have not contributed at all, but MIL is giving her opinion on things as if she’s footing the bill.

‘You should make the themes this color’, ‘Make sure you have this dish on the menu to be served’, ‘Don’t do an open bar you don’t want people being too rowdy’, ‘Make sure I, my sister and cousin are sitting front row at the wedding ceremony’ etc etc.

My fiancé and I are absolutely sick of this. Every time she tries to give an opinion we politely shut it down and tell her we have it under control, but she just never gets the hint!

Before she became such a nightmare I regretfully invited her to come dress shopping, because I didn’t want her to feel left out.

While a few weeks ago we went dress shopping (my mom and close friends came too) and I found my DREAM wedding dress. I have a curvy hourglass figure, and I found a dress that shows off my figure perfectly and makes me feel gorgeous.

The dress is kind of revealing (low cut on the chest, and mermaid style) but it’s nothing I’d be ashamed of my family and friends seeing me in.

My MIL on the other has HATED the dress I chose. She made sure to express that to me multiple times.  Well, I bought the dress anyway since I’m the one paying for it after all.

Last night my fiancé and I were cleaning up after dinner and I received a call from the shop I ordered my dress from. They were calling me concerned because apparently a lady (my MIL) called them pretending to be me and wanted to switch the dress I chose to a more appropriate dress.

The sales associate realized that It wasn’t my phone number that called to make the change and called me immediately to confirm before they changed the order.

I was LIVID. My fiancé heard the entire conversation and was LIVID as well. He called his mom to confront her and she fessed up, after denying it a few times.

I told her if she was so bothered by my dress to consider herself uninvited from the wedding and hung up on her.

Safe to say she is NOT happy. She’s been calling both my husband and my non-stop trying to defend herself but I’ve had enough.

I feel bad for my fiancé because he won’t get to have his planned dance with her. Did I take it too far? AITJ?”

Another User Comments:


Call every single vendor, the venue, the officiant EVERYONE, and slap an air-tight password onto it all.

Pick the most ridiculous asinine thing possible. Something absolutely NO ONE would think of and put it in another language at that! Because she WILL target everything else. If she can’t change the dress she’s gonna aim for everything she can.

Also. Hire security. If she’s no longer invited y’all will need security. Like, ask the police station if theirs any off-duty cops that wouldn’t mind moonlighting as security for y’all or hire a security team. Just ensure it’s no one that would favor her or feel bad for her.

Make sure they got her name and picture. Same for the vendors/everyone else. Ensure they got her name, number, and photo – even her email and make it KNOWN she’s a security/risk issue and absolutely nothing is to be changed without y’all present or an ID being shown.

I say this and know this cause my family is insane and belongs on trash TV and I will be doing the exact things I’m suggesting to you myself if I ever get married.

Also, start recording phone calls with her (check your state’s recording laws first.

Not every state is a one-party consent state) cause… crazy is just crazy so y’all need to be ready to have evidence that she’s the one starting crap.” Alyssa_Hargreaves

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – Sounds like MIL dearest won’t/can’t let go of her son.

It’s eating her up inside that she’s losing her child, the loss of comfort he gives by being hers, things are going to change. Her relationship is going to change forever with her son. You were not so much of a threat prior to marriage.

Now it’s approaching, this scares your future MIL terribly.

Instead of being mature and seeking comfort, and assurances from her son and both of you, she only sees the threat of you taking him away from her and is acting in an irrational way.

Anyone in their right mind would know changing the gown would be a step too far, but your MIL didn’t see it that way. She only saw it as a way of keeping her son and couldn’t think beyond this.

It boggles the mind what people will do for self-preservation.

If future MIL can’t get the help she needs (unbiased help), then I see a wedding that you and your future hubby will remember for the wrong reasons.

If you both understand her personal suffering (which is affecting everyone in the most vicious way), you can both maturely approach this with an equal understanding of your feelings, your fiancé’s, and future MIL – then take things from there.

Best wishes to you in this situation and your upcoming wedding.” Fuzz_77

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. A couple of thoughts:

Do you have a password set up with all of your wedding vendors? Something FMIL can’t figure out? If not, do so as soon as possible as this won’t be her last attempt to make the wedding over in her vision rather than you and your fiancé’s.

Second, with this glimpse of your future with your soon-to-be-husband, are you confident you can handle a lifetime of this type of meddling? You can set all the boundaries you want about privacy in your home, how you’ll raise your children, etc. but your FMIL sounds like a classic boundary stomper. Hopefully, your husband has your back, but will you be able to handle the unrelenting stress of having to always be on your guard with MIL?” BunnySlayer64

2 points - Liked by IDontKnow and StumpyOne

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Spaldingmonn 8 months ago
It's time for you, fiance, your parents and his parents to meet and discuss what is appropriate conduct for a mother in law. Unless you decline the wedding or FIL divorces her, you are still stuck with her as a family member. You get to explain what you expect from her, and your mother gets to explain how a mother in law conducts herself. The rules of engagement should be made very simple and very clear, including consequences for any violations. MIL can have a life time to make up for her very bad behaviour and must toe the line. But, you know you have to give her one more chance. Gor this you will always come out ahead. Also, MIL needs some therapy about her obsessive behaviour.
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7. WIBTJ If I Ask To Get Paid For A Favor?


“Last week my wife approached me and asked if I could do one of her work friends a favor by watching her four-year-old daughter. She had run into an issue with their daycare, and since I’m a stay-at-home dad raising my own 18-month-old daughter, I was happy to help out a fellow parent.

Besides, it gives my daughter someone to play with, so it’s somewhat of a win-win. Monday rolled around, and we had a relatively stressful but pretty fun time until my wife and her friend got off work. I don’t much care for other people’s kids most of the time, and I’m certainly not licensed or equipped to run a daycare, but it went alright.

When I woke up this morning and saw that the four-year-old was here again, I realized I wasn’t really sure what I’d signed myself up for. And when my wife started talking to her about what we might do together next week, I understood that I may have misunderstood what this favor entailed.

Now, I don’t know yet how long this arrangement is going to go on, but it seems that I’m not ‘watching’ her daughter as a favor, I’m the new babysitter for now. I don’t know what my work friend’s intentions are, but at the moment the arrangement appears to be that I’m babysitting a four-year-old for about nine hours, five days a week.

I don’t know if the work friend is looking for another actual daycare or babysitter, or if she is intending for this to be the arrangement going forward, and I haven’t had the chance to have that conversation yet.

I wasn’t totally clear on the terms of this agreement, but I did agree to watch her daughter as a favor.

But now that I’m realizing that she’s asked me to do what amounts to a full-time job for an indeterminate amount of time, there clearly needs to be a conversation to clarify this. So my question is this: if during this conversation I discover that she’s not looking for another babysitter and that she is expecting me to do this going forward, would I be a jerk for requesting some sort of compensation? And if she isn’t able to compensate me for my time, would I be a jerk for expecting her to look for someone else?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ! No one, and I do mean NO one, gets free daycare.

You are being asked to do a job for free and to provide meals most likely. Caring for a child is a great deal of work and responsibility. Do you think they would hesitate to sue you if the child fell and cracked her head or harmed herself? If you want the income, I would expect to be paid what the other caregiver was getting.

A favor is a day. You’ve taken on the employment you aren’t getting paid for. Make it clear right away that while you were fine to watch the child for a day, this is not a permanent arrangement, unless you decide you want to take on daycare as a job while you are unemployed.

It’s not like this woman is a family member. Hopefully, she is actively looking for other arrangements.” DrGoogle217

Another User Comments:


This just sounds like a communication breakdown. But, I’m not sure if the breakdown is between you and your wife or your wife and her work friend.

You need to talk to your wife and clear this up. A favor vs. watching a kid full-time are two wildly different things. If this is going to be for an extended time period you definitely need to talk compensation.” naisfurious

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – I think you need to speak to your wife as soon as she gets home and tell her that you are not willing to keep providing care for this other child without more information about how long this is expected and what her friend is doing to make other arrangements.

You can also say ‘no more’ at any time regardless of what your wife’s answers to these questions are. Your wife is a jerk for making this seem like a one-day thing and not getting your explicit agreement to this longer-term situation.

Your job as a stay-at-home dad is to take care of YOUR child. It does not mean you are automatically available or willing to care for other people’s children.” Forward_Squirrel8879

2 points - Liked by IDontKnow and StumpyOne

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Jackskellingtongirl83 8 months ago
No you're entitled to payment. Watching someone's kid for a day is a favor not everyday then it turns into a babysitying job. I would have a serious talk to your wife about how inappropriate it was to offer you as free babysitting without giving clear communication on what this entails. you have your own kid to raise and thats a lot. It's not your job to watch anyone's kid. You definitely should be paid. If they don't agree say sorry I'm not up for it. Let your wife know what she did was not ok without discussing it with you beforehand. NTJ
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6. AITJ For Hiding Food In My Room?


“I (19f) have a full-time job and pay $500 rent a month. I still live with my father, my stepmom, my step-sister, and unfortunately my step-brother (22m).

My stepbrother doesn’t have a job. Doesn’t plan to get one. Just sits at home all day on his ass eating up all of our food and playing video games.

My dad won’t do anything because he loves my stepmom and my stepmom won’t do anything because she loves her son and this is how she raised him.

They came into my life when I was 8 years old and it’s always been this way.

She coddles him, doesn’t punish him, and she lets him do whatever he wants, which includes eating all the food in the house. I remember when I was 12, and my older half-sister still lived with us, she had some friends over so we ordered a large pizza.

We ate almost half of it and put the rest in the fridge so we could have pizza for breakfast! Right? No. That jerk ate the rest of the pizza by himself in the middle of the night. (by the way, we ordered pizza because there was no other food in the house).

Ever since they moved in we haven’t had a full fridge.

Anyway, I have a small stash of food in my room, in one of those rubber totes so the chance of ants and whatnot is minimum. I keep chips, bottled pops, bread/bagels, and most recently cracker barrel boxed mac and cheese in there.

I’ve been craving mac and cheese like crazy recently so I bought a few boxes and stashed them away. Last night I made a box of mac and cheese and my stepbrother wandered out of his room and asked where I got the mac and cheese from (because we currently don’t have food, but his mom is running to the grocery store as I’m typing this).

I told him from my room and he asked what I meant. I told him I keep food in my room so someone doesn’t eat all my food (I put a big emphasis on someone when talking to him).

He called me a jerk and asked why I wouldn’t share my food with everyone.

I called him a jerk right back and said maybe if you didn’t eat so much there’d be more food to go around. I guess we were kind of loud because my dad came upstairs and asked what we were yelling about and my stepbrother literally ‘tattled told’ on me and said I’m keeping food in my room away from everyone.

My dad asked if I was serious so I told him something along the lines of ‘Yes I am because I’m sick and tired of waking up hungry because there’s no food in the house. I pay you more than enough rent to get food for everyone.’ I also threw in how my stepbrother doesn’t even have a job and he’s a lazy moocher who doesn’t contribute anything and then stormed off to my room (with my mac and cheese of course).

I don’t really think I’m a jerk, but my dad texted me and told me that it was really unnecessary for me to say all that and to keep food in my room because ‘other people are hungry too’. I texted one of my cousins about it and she sided with my dad so I’m just second-guessing myself here.

Please let me know if I am the jerk.”

Another User Comments:


This is an awful situation. You pay $500 (which in my eyes is an excessive amount to be paying for rent when you live at home with all those people but I don’t know if that is normal where you live?) and because there is not enough to eat int he house, you have to buy more food on top of that and are expected to share! I hope you get out of that situation soon OP.” Llink3483

Another User Comments:


Your dad, stepmom, and stepbrother are jerks.

They need to stop coddling your stepbrother and he needs to get off his lazy butt and work.

Try to find a lockable box and maybe even a mini fridge with a lock on it.

Otherwise try to see if you can move out on your own or with a roommate if that’s an option for you, this way you don’t have to deal with their nonsense and won’t have to worry about food again.” Boredandsleeps

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, you are an adult and can keep whatever you pay for on your own.

You pay rent to the house to help and extra food for the house can be bought with that. you are under no obligation to share your own private stocks of food or any other consumables. It’s the same as any other roommate situation.

Yelling at your father sounds a bit overdue at this point. If he is coddling your step-brother and yelling at you for having your own things then his priorities are a little off. I suggest you sit down with your father and discuss how your rental is going to work going forward. That or start looking for a room to rent somewhere else.” Dammy-J

2 points - Liked by IDontKnow and StumpyOne

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Hallowedaura 8 months ago
Other people are hungry too because that giant waste of space keeps eating all the food in the house, not because you decide to keep your own food YOU paid for in your room. There should be enough food for everyone to eat and if there isn't cause that stepbrother is a giant walking stomach then that's what they need to fix, not you keeping food in your room. NTJ
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5. AITJ For Not Apologizing To My Partner For Damaging His Pan?


“My partner has a mini cast iron pan he uses to cook eggs. After using it yesterday, he put it in the drying rack, and as the day progresses, more dishes got stacked up in the drying rack where it couldn’t be seen.

At some point between yesterday and today, dishes shifted and his pan fell flat, so water dripped on it all night and today he found it rusted.

I was the last person to put dishes in the drying rack, so when he finds the pan, he says ‘Did you not notice that it fell?’.

I responded no, that obviously if I had seen that it fell, I would not have left it like that. He was visibly upset and I then said ‘This is why I don’t put anything I really care about getting damaged in the drying rack’.

The dishes probably shifted when I was pulling off a big, nice copper pot that he had precariously stacked on top of the dishes to hand dry because I love that pot and didn’t want it to be scratched. I never at any point saw his little pan, it was covered up by a big bowl.

This escalates, as he is now upset with me for ‘placing blame’ (his words) on him by making the comment about why I don’t put things like that in the drying rack. I responded that I wasn’t blaming him, just pointing out that this was preventable, and that I didn’t feel like it was fair for him to blame me for the comment he made in the first place.

I told him I’m sorry about his pan, and that I felt that he was upset about the pan and taking his anger out on me – but I won’t be apologizing for something I didn’t know about and had no control over.

He goes off on me, angry that I won’t say sorry, telling me an apology would go a long way, that I never apologize for things unless he basically forces me to say sorry, etc.

Personally, I thought the whole thing was absolutely ridiculous over a pan that was like $5 at a discount store.

But he’s super angry with me and stormed off when I made it clear I wouldn’t be apologizing for something I did not do, and he clearly still blames me. I’m almost tempted to apologize just so this stupid fight will end, but he was SO insistent that I was to blame over something that I really feel was nobody’s fault.

So, AITJ here?”

Another User Comments:


You did everything right, he did everything wrong.

You’re genuinely sorry his pan got ruined, and you expressed that. But you’re not taking the blame for something you didn’t do. You’re blaming him for something he actually did though, and he’s mad about that? He’s being immature.

Also, you don’t leave cast iron wet because it rusts? It would’ve rusted even if it didn’t fall… He doesn’t even know how to properly take care of this pan he seems to care so much about.” djjomon

Another User Comments:

“Cast iron rusts.

It sucks, but it’s totally fixable. Heat it up a little and rub some oil into the metal to clean off the rust and re-season it. If everyone is afraid of the pans getting damaged, stacking them on the drying rack is a bad move.

Hand dry them and put them away immediately… both of you. There’s also no reason for your partner to be verbally abusive. Also, the fact your partner blames you for things you didn’t do and expects you to be apologetic is a giant red flag.

Get a better man. NTJ” Dance_Sneaker

Another User Comments:


I mean I get why you’re mad. He puts the pan down and doesn’t dry it immediately and puts other stuff in it to dry and then later you do more washing and put a few more bits on and you can’t even see the pan! You aren’t psychic.

He then complains his pan is rusty. He should have dried the pan right away, that is not your fault, you didn’t cause it. You shouldn’t have to apologize for something you didn’t do. He’s angry and taking it out on you.

Small arguments can build up especially if you let feelings from past things build up. The best thing to avoid this is to make rules and incorporate them. Whoever does the washing up has to put the drying up from the previous load away (if it is a drip dry).

Whoever uses the pan and washes it has to dry it on the hob straight away. Tell him you are sorry he was upset by his fan that (I know you said this but maybe he’s calmer now) it wasn’t anybody’s fault it happened but the things above can be done which can stop it from happening again and prevent other arguments around the same things.” Academic-Slice-7515

1 points - Liked by StumpyOne

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Jackskellingtongirl83 8 months ago
Omg it's a jerk pan it can be replaced. If it was so important he should have dried it and put it away after. He was lazy and tried putting the blame on you. He can grow up! NTJ
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4. AITJ For Calling Out My Brother's Being Mean To A Little Girl?


“My brother (Brandon) is 16 and decided he is child-free. Which basically just means he doesn’t want to be around our 4 years old little cousin.

We have dinner at our grandparents’ every other weekend together with all our aunts/uncles and cousins.

Brandon never liked our little cousin, and recently he decided that that means he doesn’t have to talk to her or acknowledge her existence at all.

Brandon will 100% ignore her and if she keeps trying to talk to him, he will stand up and go to another room.

The parents don’t really care about it, they are usually busy with talking to each other and don’t pay attention to us.

Last weekend, Brandon was ignoring our little cousin once again. She was showing him her drawings when he stood up and went away.

She started crying and I went after Brandon to call him out on it.

He said he was child-free and he doesn’t have to engage with children if he doesn’t want to. He is not rude or mean to her, so he is not doing anything wrong.

I told him he can’t be childfree when he is a child himself and he is being mean to our cousin.

He then acted like I committed the most atrocious crime for ‘not believing he knows he will never want children’ and has been sending me links about people knowing young that they don’t want children.

But that’s not what I meant at all, I was calling him out on being mean to a 4 years old little girl just because and I don’t care if he will ever have children or not. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. This has nothing to do with childlessness, however.

When Brandon was 4 people looked at his drawings. They didn’t walk out of the room rather than talk to him. They treated him with respect whether or not they wanted kids themselves.

Brandon is not a parent. He is, however, a human, and is obligated to treat other humans with as much respect as he would like to receive.

It is also really awful for the child to get a cold response like that. If Brandon doesn’t start treating her better, time to get the parents involved. She doesn’t deserve to be treated like that.” notcontageousAFAIK

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here, except for the absolute jerks in this situation – the little girl’s parents.

They show up at a family event and just ignore their child. So the child gets to pick who she wants to spend time with, and he has no choice? If he walks away from her, she sits and cries, and no one but you does anything? That is not okay.

I would guess that her parents tell her to go play with him, or you, or anyone else. I would also guess that you’ve had to provide childcare at these family events, and you are frustrated at his refusal partially because it creates more work for you.

That’s very unfair, but it isn’t his fault. He shouldn’t be obligated to entertain her, but he could be able to find a nicer way of doing it. And you are not his taskmaster. If she goes over to talk to her parents, do they tell her to go away? Did you have to entertain your brother when you were younger?” NysemePtem

Another User Comments:

“In general, NTJ for telling your brother to not be mean to a 4-year-old.

That’s kind of a no-brainer.

However, I’m wondering from your description whether your brother is just generally upset with being designated childcare at these get-togethers. You wrote that it’s a regular thing and the adults talk among themselves, not really caring – or noticing – what happens in the ‘kids section.’ As someone who was among the eldest among my generation in the family, I know that this can get tiring fast, especially if there aren’t a lot of kids sharing your age around and you’re expected by default to assume childcare duties or keep the little ones occupied as a stand-in child entertainer.

That sucks and makes these family get-togethers awful things that just make you grumpy and angry. I’m guessing you know that since I notice that you didn’t stay to console the crying kid, opting to escape yourself. So while he shouldn’t be mean to a 4-year-old, your parents and family shouldn’t be expecting a 16-year-old to be a small kid’s entertainer and be happy about it.

It’s just a sucky situation and I assume your brother has decided he’s done with it.

Maybe tell him that making a few non-committal noises and some minimum attention to the little cousin is really all that’s needed? Or ask your aunt/uncle to entertain their kid from time to time? Or maybe even just offer a shoulder to vent after/before the get-togethers so he can blow off some steam.

He’s not being mean because he wants to be mean, he’s being mean because he’s super frustrated.” likesrobotsnmonsters

Another User Comments:

“Brandon is absolutely not required to spend time with Cousin or cater to her desires, regardless of whether he is or is not childfree.

He’s not her parent or her babysitter, and if he doesn’t want to interact with her, that’s valid. Doubly so since he’s never liked her.

But, straight-up ignoring a kid isn’t good. They don’t have the emotional maturity to understand what’s happening.

Brandon needs to come up with something to tell her to get her to leave him be instead of just walking away, like ‘Hey, that’s cool, but I’m busy right now’ or ‘Oops, sorry, I need to go take care of something’.

He’s not currently being derogatory towards her, so he’s not really being ‘mean’, but it sounds like he lacks a way to politely make her go away. It might be useful to circumvent the issue by having someone let the kid know that Brandon isn’t the best person to play with and she should leave him alone.

As far as being child-free, yes, Brandon can absolutely knows that he does not want or like kids despite being 16. He is practically an adult. Plenty of people are childfree because they hate kids and it sounds like Brandon is one of those people.

Further, no amount of ‘she’s just being nice’ or ‘aw, she’s just a little kid’ or ‘you were just like that too’ is going to change Brandon’s mind or make him feel any more warm towards Cousin. Rather, you’re probably going to alienate him more because you’re not validating his feelings and are asking him to do something that is uncomfortable for him.

Everyone sucks here.” SyntheticDreams_

-1 points - Liked by StumpyOne

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Ninastid 8 months ago
Ntj and he's wrong yes he was doing something wrong he was ignoring and being mean to his four year old cousin just cause he wants to be child free doesn't give him the right to be mean like that
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3. AITJ For Saying My Mom's Cooking Sucks?


“So my (18M) mom (63F) has never been a great cook. My dad would joke that her cooking is so bad that we should pray after our food, LOL. The truth is that my mom has never ‘had to’ cook because my dad has a lot of money and we’ve always had a personal chef that prepares healthy and delicious meals.

However recently, possibly out of boredom, she decided that she wanted to improve her cooking skills and started to attend adult cooking lessons.

After a few lessons, she felt more confident and prepared a lasagna. She was excited and wanted me to try it.

Now I am not gonna lie, this was the worst lasagna I have ever tasted. It was extremely bland and overcooked. She asked me what do I think and I told her the truth – that it was pretty bad. Then I told her that not everyone can be a great cook and suggested that she may want to try a different hobby instead.

To my surprise, this time she got offended (she has never gotten offended by our cooking jokes before), and told me that I was being rude. I told her that I didn’t want to offend her and that I was just telling it like it is.

It’s been a few days and I can feel she’s still holding a grudge against me because she avoids me and won’t speak to me a lot. AITJ for what I said?”

Another User Comments:


I will cut you some small slack for being a teenager but you’re also an adult now and perfectly capable of being tactful and not hurting people.

Your mother knows she does not have cooking skills. Your jokes in the past have probably rankled a little, but she wasn’t trying to cook for you so it wasn’t an issue. She could probably agree and laugh at herself.

Now however she has applied herself, she is going to classes to learn, and she made an effort into making a nice meal for you because she felt more confident.

You took a giant dump on that confidence. You literally told her to QUIT because she cooked one bland meal after starting to go to classes.

If she’d gone to painting classes and done her first ever painting would you say you should never paint again?! I bet every time you weren’t amazing at something the first time you did it she didn’t say ‘Oh well son, you fell off your bike, guess you suck at cycling, just quit.’

There is a way of being kind and being tactful, and you should employ that ability.

You could have said ‘I’m really glad you cooked for me! It didn’t quite have enough seasoning for my taste though, maybe next time you could use more x and x.’ You could offer to share a recipe, you could offer to cook with her and give her pointers.

You could turn this into a nice family thing. Instead, you told her she should just never try again. Way to go scorched earth.

You owe her an apology and encouragement to keep trying.” AdrenalineAnxiety

Another User Comments:


Kind of like when as a kid you bring her to stick people and messy finger paintings and she said ‘Oh woooow! Good job!’ Or ‘I really like the way you did the blue here’.

You could have said, ‘It’s a lot better! A little more oregano maybe?’ Or something to that extent. ‘The cheese is really good and melty but I think the noodles got overdone’.

As for why she is upset – there’s a bit in the Simpsons where Bart, who always gets a failing grade, studies his butt off.

The test day comes and lo, he gets an F. He starts to cry and his teacher goes ‘What? You’ve got plenty of Fs before’ and he replies ‘Yeah but this time I TRIED.’

She’s trying. She’s learning. Give her the same grace you’d give anyone else new to their hobby.

And for Pete’s sake, apologize.” punnymama

Another User Comments:

“You’re not a jerk for the honest feedback on the dish you ate. That’s what she asked for and its necessary if she’s going to improve

However absolutely YTJ for telling her to give up.

She’s only taken a few lessons, she’s really only just begun to learn. Why aren’t you supporting her? Like. Can you cook? Cos I can, I’m actually really good at it, and it took a long time and a lot of effort to be so.

Cooking is a skill homie, even people that are naturally gifted have a lot of work to do to develop it. Would you tell someone that had taken like 5 art classes to quit painting?

Real talk it kinda sounds like you don’t like your mum trying to learn how to cook and that’s just kinda weird actually.

Telling her to quit was, for real, just mean. Literally, why would you do that? You could have told her what would have made the dish better instead. Did it need more garlic and oregano? Was it overcooked as in burnt or did she cook the pasta too long?

Stop being unsupportive and mean to your mum omg.

If after like a year she’s still not improved then you can tell her you won’t eat her food anymore but literally why would you tell her to give up on something she’s enjoying and hurts zero people?

Once again to be extremely clear YTJ.” Tiffany_Case

-1 points - Liked by IDontKnow

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Jackskellingtongirl83 8 months ago
You were right to tell her the truth but maybe don't tell her to pick a different hobby. ESH she asked for the truth she got it so she shouldn't be getting butthurt for your honesty. But she is still learning. Maybe after you try her food tell her and encourage her to keep trying.
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2. AITJ For Not Letting My Family Hold My Baby?


“I have 3 older brothers and an older sister and I am the youngest in my family. Apart from my sister who doesn’t have kids, I’m also the last one to have any children and gave birth to my son 7 months ago.

I live in a different city from my family (about 2 hours from them) so don’t always see them often. Except for my parents and my sister, the rest of my family have only met my son once at a family event when he was 4 weeks old because they have never come to visit and we don’t have a car so visiting them isn’t easy for us as it would include about 3/4 legs of public transport.

My parents, however, come visit often and have taken him overnight a couple of times to give us a break. I will say though, that my mum has always had a habit of handing him to extended family members to hold and feed him.

A few days ago, we had another family event so we got on a few trains and made our way there. As soon as we got there we told my mum that our son was just getting over a cold so we didn’t want him passed around to everyone in case he got worse or gave it to others.

As soon as everyone arrived my mum took him and passed him to other people and so did my sister. Always offering someone else a cuddle.

Here’s where I might be the jerk, whenever he was passed on to one of my siblings, I went and took him back because we just didn’t feel comfortable with him passing around like a toy to people he doesn’t know.

He was tired the whole time and we just wanted him with us because we aren’t used to being around everyone with him and felt quite protective whenever we could see him starting to get upset. Whenever we repeated to my mum it was just her we were handing him to because he has been ill and is tired but he is used to her, she just brushed us off.

My mum called upset with me that I wasn’t letting my siblings bond with him and that we kept getting up and taking him back like we didn’t trust them even though they all have their own kids and know what they are doing.

She said I was being a jerk by not trusting my family and letting them get to know my son.

But it’s not about that, it’s about us not feeling comfortable with him passed around like a toy to people he doesn’t know.

I know they are family but he still doesn’t know them because they haven’t tried. And I just don’t think that taking him from us and passing him around in a busy, new environment for him is how he will bond with people.”

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here because it doesn’t sound like any harm was done, and honestly ‘being passed around’ is how babies do learn to socialize.

You seem to have some grievances with your siblings not visiting, so perhaps you should chat with them about that. Now that you have a child of your own, you’ll see that it’s not easy to travel and visit while dragging kids around.

But if your feelings are hurt, talk about it!

While I agree with your mom and her philosophy, the bottom line is you’re the parent so you can make the decisions.” Pepper-90210

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your child, your rules.

But especially because your baby is upset and agitated by being passed around to strangers.

At 7 months, he’s developmentally starting to recognize his own personhood, and feeling insecure around people he doesn’t know well (i.e. stranger anxiety). If grandmother wants him to get used to extended family, then she can help him best by letting him interact with them from the security of her own arms since he knows her.

Trying to let a stranger (to him) hold him when he’s not comfortable with it will only make it worse.” Sha-Nanegins

Another User Comments:

“This is a hard one because while I agree with you, that he is your child and as his parents it’s up to you to keep him safe, and it’s your choice as to who gets to hold him, it doesn’t sound as tho ‘safety’ is the issue, but rather that they are ‘strangers’ to him.

However, if you don’t allow him to be held by the rest of the family, he will have a very difficult time bonding with the rest of the family. And close family relationships are a good thing to have when you have children.

No jerks here because I don’t feel you are purposefully being a jerk, but neither is your Mom or siblings or the rest of the family.” MissSuzieSunshine

Another User Comments:


If you were so concerned about your child’s health, you should not have gone to this event.

At this point, it sounds like a flimsy excuse. You also should not have continued to hand your child to your mother when she was not respecting the rule you wanted. As a parent, you have to do what’s best for your child, and if you believe that to be not being handed to family, it is on you to enforce it.” rissanox

-1 points - Liked by IDontKnow and StumpyOne

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Jackskellingtongirl83 8 months ago
I understand your feelings on this. But if your son was sick and not in the best mood you should of stayed home. You're causing yourself unnecessary stress this way. Your parents also should be respectful of your wishes too. Let them know if they won't respect your wishes visits will be fewer til they learn. But please leave your son home if he is not well or seems to not be his best self. But he won't learn too socialize with his family if you don't let him bond either.. it sounds like your family isn't causing any safety issues here but just you need to navigate the waters better and not worry so much. You said he's 7 months old he's not newborn so he's not in any direct danger. ESH
1 Reply

1. AITJ For Moving To A Place Away From My In-Laws?


“I (39M) am a widower and single dad to 2 kids (9 & 7). My wife passed away 4 years ago after losing her battle with cancer. I have recently been offered a promotion at work that would require a move to a different state halfway across the country.

It’s a huge opportunity career-wise and after discussing it with my kids, I decided to accept it. We are moving in 2 months.

The problem is my wife’s parents. We moved to our current home because it’s closer to them. We are still a 4-hour drive from them, but it’s closer than the 16-hour drive we previously lived at before we had kids.

My wife was always very close with her parents and even though they are far from my favorite people, they were very involved in our lives and our kids’ lives.

After our oldest was born, my wife would invite her parents over for extended visits (2-3 weeks at a time) a few times a year.

This continued up until her death. After she died, I did not make the effort to continue this. I just didn’t have the emotional or mental energy to have them in our house for that long. We still spent long weekends with them on holidays, but that was pretty much it.

When I told them that we are moving, they were both very upset. MIL especially so. She said that she knew that I’d been phasing them out of their grandkids’ lives and this proves to her that I don’t want anything to do with them.

I tried to explain that this is an opportunity too good to pass up and that my kids agree with the decision and are excited to move to a new place.

I tried to assure her that we would still make an effort to see them on holidays and invite them out to visit us once we get ourselves settled, but she claimed that those were all empty promises.

She said that my wife would never have agreed to something like this and that I’m tarnishing her memory. At that point, I snapped. I told her that she has no right to tell me what my wife would have wanted and that unless the next words out of her mouth are supportive and kind, then I’m blocking her.

She decided to hang up on me.

A few minutes later, FIL called me and tried to apologize to his wife because this is all such a huge and sudden change and they are trying to wrap their heads around it. I told him I’m willing to let them see the kids before we leave, but I need a direct apology from his wife and if either of them says anything negative about my decision, the visit will end immediately and I’ll block them both.

He told me I’m being a little too harsh and I need to give MIL a break because she fears she will never see her grandkids again.

I haven’t heard anything back from them since and I’m not going to make the effort to reach out to them.

I understand this decision hurts them and puts added distance between them and their only grandkids. But this is a decision I’m making in the best interest of my family and I’m not going to change my mind.”

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here.

You are entitled to take the promotion and relocate and begin the next chapter of your life. Good for you for discussing it with your kids too.

I also understand how your in-laws must feel. They lost their daughter, and don’t get to spend the time with their grandkids that they used to, which would be tough enough on its own, but losing their daughter makes that even harder, and now you’re moving even further away.

I think making an effort with them would go a long way towards making everyone relax a bit – set up a weekly Facetime call for them with the kids, or more if your kids want to. Plan a visit for them to see the new place, and for you/your kids to go back and visit them.

Could they go for a long visit over a school break or summer? Could you all go on vacation elsewhere together? It’s not easy, and I get that you’re frustrated, but you’ve all been through a lot of trauma and loss, and I hope you can come together, as your common goal is to love and support your kids.” Jerseygirl2468

Another User Comments:

“YTJ, ONLY for trying to pretend that their concerns are baseless.

OP you’re not guilty of wanting to move away. It’s your right. They don’t own you. They don’t own their grandchildren. But from what you confessed, you need to acknowledge that you confirmed your wife’s parents’ fears about you cutting them off/blocking them.

When they shared their concerns about losing their grandkids… you threatened to block them.

The truth is that after your wife passed… you did phase them out. Grandma noticed, said it, and… you threatened to block her. Yes her attitude is awful, but she ain’t lie.

When you demanded an apology from them for voicing their concerns that you’ll block them because you’d already said that you’d block them… you threatened to block them again.

OP why wouldn’t they worry when you’ve confirmed it?

From what you’ve said, they’re not lying about your threats.

You want them to pretend to be happy. If they don’t you’ll deem that as negative… & will block them.

If your kids want to call & FaceTime their grandparents after you move, don’t deny them that access. Now, move in peace.” Late-Swimmer9855

Another User Comments:


Your MIL was way out of place for using her own daughter’s memory to manipulate you, that’s low on various ways.

This is good for your career, your kids, and you on a personal level. Sometimes, after events that have a big impact on our lives, going to another place to have a bit of a new start is good and healthy.

If the kids are okay with it, being them the most affected ones by this decision, then everything is okay and no one can criticize you.

The apology will come and I’m sure that your in-laws and you will find a way for them to visit the little ones as much as possible.” The_Spade_Joker

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here.

You have every right to move away and make a decision that is best for you and your family but I do think you were a bit harsh. MIL was a bit over the top but It may feel like they are losing their daughter all over again by losing the kids and just brought out some intense emotions. I would be a little more understanding the next time they reach out. If not for you then for the kids’ sake who I am sure love their grandparents as well.” The_ADD_PM

-3 points - Liked by PotterMom420

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Spaldingmonn 8 months ago
OP. After losing your wife you moved your 2 children CLOSER to your in laws. People don't seem to notice this in your post. It's been 4 years. You have this great opportunity. Your children are on board. You have informed all applicable parties. You are NTJ for wanting to move your children away from tje grandparents. Things change. Change is hard. Grandparents need to also note that as grandchildren get older they are not so interested in grandparents unfortunately. The kids will always love gramma and granpa and they are not "moving on" they are just getting older. MiL was out of line and you established appropriate boundaries. What's stopping the old.folks from moving closer to your new location or set up their own FaceTime experiences. I see no need for you to placate this couple; they are also capable of doing something to maintain contact with the children. (I have to admit I am a bit miffed on your behalf at MIL for accusing you of phasing her out. You moved with 2 young be closer to her and this can not have been easy.)
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