People Speak Out About Their Undecided "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
13. AITJ For Not Staying At A Job I Hate?
“I (F51) have 2 bio kids (M24 & F21) and one step-daughter (F17). I am not at all close to my stepdaughter. My husband (M49) and I live several hundred miles away from her. My husband visits her at least monthly but I do not typically go with him (she has voiced that she prefers to spend this time with her father alone and I respect that).
She does come to stay with us on some holidays and a couple of weeks during the summer. When we do spend time together we get along fine – it’s not like we dislike each other or that there is any conflict.
I currently work at a rather prestigious private college. I got a new boss about 7 months ago and since that time I have really disliked my job. Last week I mentioned to my husband that I can’t wait for my daughter to graduate this coming spring so that I can change jobs.
The college has a wonderful perk where the children of employees receive free tuition – my daughter is currently attending and my son received his undergrad degree from there.
My husband asked what about F17? Until that moment I hadn’t even realized that she was considering attending.
My husband and I had discussed it briefly right after we were married 2 years ago but nothing was said since. My husband said that neither he nor his ex-wife had been able to save much for her education and if she was not able to go to my college for free her only alternative would be to take a ton of debt.
I told him I would not be staying where I am for another 5 years. He said I was staying for almost a year for my daughter – which is true. I feel that it is unfair to ask my daughter to pay close to 3 times what a state school would cost or to change schools for her senior year.
My husband said that if it were my daughter I would stay. I have to admit that he is probably correct. While I would hate it I would probably do it. But I am not willing to stay in a job I hate for F17.
I am just not close to her. That is no one’s fault. No one did anything wrong – it’s just how things worked out. My husband is understandably upset – but I am not willing to commit to staying in my job for F17’s sake
A lot of things can change before a decision can be made.
My situation at work might change. F17 might not even be accepted into my school. I’ve told my husband that he needs to prepare a Plan B. We have tabled the discussion for now and I have promised to spend some time thinking about it.
I know my decision and I don’t see it changing. However, I do wonder if this makes me the jerk? It is pretty clear my husband thinks I am.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It isn’t your fault he and his ex didn’t save up for her college.
It isn’t fair to stay at a job you don’t want to be in for an additional 5 years to ease the burden of the entitled birth parents of your stepdaughter.
I would ask him why he never prepared better for his daughter to afford school.
I would ask him if his lack of planning in recent years was due to him feeling entitled to the benefits of your job. Ask him if he would stay at a job he hates for an additional 5 years for someone else’s child.” McflyThrowaway01
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Both of you made presumptions. Him thinking you would stay so his daughter could attend for free and you that your daughter graduating was your ticket out of there. Don’t stay in a job you hate just for your husband’s child regardless if you would do it for your own.
Your husband, his ex-wife, and your stepdaughter should have had a plan b before she was 17 instead of deciding to use your job perk without including you in on the decision.” HoppyHoppyJoy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s your life. The odds are she’d not get in for free anyway, as she’s not your child and has never lived with you, why would they just give it to her for free.” Not-a-Cranky-Panda
12. AITJ If I Refuse To Pay For The Uninvited Friend On Our Date To Disney?
“My partner and I have been together for 5 years. She’s currently unemployed in college and I recently was hired full-time as a firefighter EMT. My girl’s 21st birthday is coming up and I offered to take her to Disney for her birthday.
We talked and she liked the idea. We’re now approaching the deadline and she sent me a budget of my full-time paycheck and how much I would have to put aside for the trip. After reviewing, I noticed she accounted for her best friend coming and expected me to pay for her too.
She said it was because she didn’t want to drink alone because I’m younger. My friends/colleagues M26 M22 think this is a red flag in our relationship because of how she expects me to pay for her friend because I have a stable job and she does not.
AITJ if I refuse to do the trip if the best friend comes along? We both live in Florida but it is a much larger cost with her involved. I want my girl to have a good time but I thought she was going to do a separate party with her of-age friends.
We’ve been together a while and she has been making requests like this a lot lately (people tagging along to dates). I’m slightly concerned due to the new trend. Just want your thoughts on it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I’m pretty used to having partners pay for all my stuff over the years (even with a stable job myself lol) and I’d never dream of adding another person… that’s a level of entitlement that makes even me feel uncomfortable.
I’d never dream of asking to see someone’s pay stubs or stuff like that either. That’s definitely a red flag IMO. I say this again, as someone who had dudes pay for them for most of my life.
That’s not normal behavior.
I think you should tell her that the trip is just for you guys and she doesn’t have to drink or get wild there… I mean. It’s Disneyland dude. She can have a ladies’ night and do a bar crawl with her other friends.
Not a huge deal. But I’d be careful man. There are def some red flags here.” Kittymurderedd
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Not only do should you not be guilted into taking along a drinking buddy so that your partner and her friend can get wasted, but she also has the audacity to expect you to pay for being the third wheel.
If your partner wants to go out drinking she should go with her friend and they should pay for themselves – or actually, the friend should treat your partner as it is her birthday.
The fact that she is micromanaging your paycheck is also offensive.
I honestly think that it is overly generous of you to pay for the whole thing as a day at Disney is obscenely expensive – I am in SoCal and know that even though it is theoretically a local day trip everything starts to add up above and beyond the expensive admission tickets.
If anything she should be offering to cover some of the incidental expenses at the Park.” Jujulabee
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She didn’t even ask you. And Disney isn’t a drinking trip. How should it even work with the rides? Nearly everything is two-seats…
They sit together and you can hold the bags? Or sit alone. You are not an ATM and to expect that you cough up such a big sum, so that the friend can join you and ruin the trip for you is just so entitled. Gift her alc to her birthday and a pair of Mickey Mouse ears, since drinking is soooo important for her.” Sheeps_n_Birds
11. AITJ For Wanting To Move Out And Telling My Mom It's Not My Job To Raise My Siblings?
“20-year-old girl here, I’m the oldest of five by eleven years, my younger siblings are: (9M), (5F), (3F) and (10 Month M). I do the lion’s share of childrearing for my little siblings and oftentimes feel more like a single mother than our Mum, as well as taking care of them I also cook, clean, and do basically anything that needs doing…
our Mum, I love her but she isn’t great.
I’m planning to move in with a friend as we’re going to get a small flat together, on one hand, I want this so badly on the other I feel worried sick about my little brothers and sisters and how they will fare without me.
My mum when she found out about my plan also told me I can’t move out as she ‘needs’ me and she won’t be able to cope alone and how I’m being selfish and I have more important responsibilities.
I admit I lost it at that as I’ve been the only one to ever put my responsibilities first and I told her it’s not my job to raise her kids, she now thinks I’m entitled and spoiled and has even told my little siblings how I’m going to be leaving them all behind as I’m too interested in myself…that was a bombshell she dropped before flaunting off to go party and I spent the entire night trying to console them.
I feel honestly bad about this and maybe I am being selfish and putting my desires for the freedom my friends have first, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“Find your birth certificate, medical records, social security card, passport if you have one, and any banking info and store them at your friend’s house or in a safe place your Mom doesn’t know about.
If you had a joint account with her growing up open a new account at a different bank in only your name and transfer it all there. Put a freeze on your credit. She’s about to feel very desperate, and she may try to sabotage you to prevent you from successfully leaving…” rpsls
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
What are you supposed to do… never move out of the house? Your youngest sibling is 3; are you supposed to remain at home caring for your siblings well into your 30s? You deserve your own life, and these are not your children.
You ARE entitled… to have your own life. If she needs help with childcare, she needs to source it elsewhere. I’m sure you love your siblings and still want to have an active role in their lives, but this is not your responsibility.
If you want to have kids yourself, this time now in your 20s is a very short time you will have complete freedom. Take advantage of that. You’re not being selfish. Your mom is being selfish to try to take that from you.” SchnootFarms
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but be prepared to lose your siblings after you move out.
My younger brothers called me mom even though I’m only seven years older than them. I did everything for them. From the moment they got up in the morning till they went to bed at night I was responsible for them.
I was late every single day of middle school because their school started later than mine and I had to walk them to school. I got them up and dressed, made breakfast, walked them to school, picked them up from school, made snacks, helped with homework, fed, bathed, and got them to bed.
Every. Single. Day.
When I was old enough to legally work, I paid bills so we would have electricity and a roof. My mother was also extremely abusive. It was too much. I was emancipated and moved out at seventeen.
My mom cut off contact and told my brothers I abandoned them. My youngest brother, my mom never wanted him, ended up in foster care. My middle brother stayed with her. Our relationships never recovered. I’m 48 and I have no contact with either of them.
I’m okay with that now but it took a long time to get here. I had to save myself. I wasn’t responsible for them then, or now. I definitely wasn’t responsible for being their mother. You are their sister.
It’s okay to take care of yourself.” LavenderMarsh
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. At least one person is worried about your wellbeing: you
I’m speaking from experience here because my mom sounds darn similar to yours. But I also have 40 years of that experience, so let me share some wisdom.
My mom had my younger brother shortly before I turned 10. There were other adults around, so a lot of his care didn’t fall to me, but he spent a lot of time with me. In my teens, the adults started to drop off.
They’d die, move away, or get an illness that rendered them disabled. It wasn’t long before suddenly I was the only one in the household actually holding things together. And I was in high school.
My mom would go to work, come home, do absolutely nothing, trash the house, and I was expected to take care of all of the animals inside and outside (there were plenty), watch my brother, take care of all of my own needs, and somehow get my school thing handled.
Needless to say, I barely graduated.
I was poor, my home had turned into a hoarding situation my mom wouldn’t let me clean up, I constantly smelled bad no matter how much I showered or washed my clothes, my brother was often needing something, my mom yelled at me constantly about everything, and no one was coming to help.
I was experiencing burnout at 18, and I didn’t even have a job because she wouldn’t let me go and get one. It’s also worth noting that my family got a 7 figure settlement a couple of years earlier, and squandered it all.
Yeah, I couldn’t get braces to fix my crooked teeth, decent clothes, or even anything I liked, but to this day my mom still has a 1968 Camaro sitting in her garage that hasn’t run in over 20 years.
When she goes I’m going to be hard-pressed to sell that thing instead of having it turned into a metal cube.
I bailed. ‘These aren’t my animals! He isn’t my kid! You aren’t even letting me live my own life! I’m not your property!’ Her big dog (we’re talking a 150 pound, tall, jet-black bull mastiff, that was basically a big puppy) got out and frightened a neighbor pretty bad.
I couldn’t stay after that. I was tired of having to play a parent to my own mother and clean up her messes. She was quick to pull out her biggest gun: guilt.
It worked for some time to get me to help out now and then after I left, but over time I got numb to it.
She relied on me as if I was the parent in the relationship. I’ve since learned that this is surprisingly common.
An additional fun fact I recently learned: she has ADHD. I figured that one out after my own diagnosis, and while having a lengthy conversation with her about it.
Turns out it’s genetic. It also explained so much of WHY she was a terrible parent. She was constantly overwhelmed, had no coping strategies, and had no clue how to go about managing her own life.
So she relied on me and the coping/survival strategies I developed just to deal with the things life threw at a weird, awkward teenage boy with ADHD. I don’t know you or your mom’s life, but it might not hurt to read up a little, just in case.
Yeah, my mom was into guys and partying too. I’m lucky I had adults looking out for me when I was a pre-teen. She had 4 kids total by 3 different men, 2 of which are dead now and the 3rd bailed when my younger brother was an infant.
We’re all adults now, but we’re all varieties of screwed up. I had to move hundreds of miles away for my own good, and my siblings don’t bother me unless they need something, despite me trying my best to maintain relationships with them.
My younger brother even lied to me and scammed me for $3k.
Jeez, I know I got off on some tangents, but my point is that you have to take care of yourself. You are not the parent in this relationship, and you shouldn’t be expected to shoulder that burden.
So long as you are, she’ll never grow, and you’ll never be able to start your own life or follow whatever dreams you might have. I cannot stress enough that you must get out of this situation.
I had to lie and hide a lot of things to do it myself, but that was the only way I could work around my mother. Feel free to DM me if you want to talk more about this, but I 100% empathize with you because I’ve been in your shoes.” broniesnstuff
10. AITJ For Pre-Buying Greeting Cards For My Wife?
“My Wife recently was rummaging through my ‘Drawer of Crazy’ and found a pile of greeting cards. Some of them said ‘I Love You’ and things like that. So naturally, she approached me with an eyebrow raised and a very clear non-verbal ‘who the heck?’ I explained that they were for hee (along with some small gifts like perfume & jewelry.)
Now she knows I have serious focus issues.
I don’t have ADHD or anything like that, I just cannot function well short to mid-term in my life for expected/planned events. One manifestation of this is that I tend to buy my wife’s birthday/anniversary/Christmas etc cards and gifts many months in advance and all at once.
I also struggle with conversation around planning and have to stop people when they talk to me about planning stuff to get in gear and take notes/make calendar appointments.
So she basically flips through them and rolls her eyes and says she will remember which ones are there and I’d better get new ones closer to the date (Some would have been for ~1 year away).
She said it shows a lack of thought and jerkish behavior that I treat shopping for important dates like a Costco run. I can kind of get that as I treat a lot of stuff clinically in terms of carrying them out but I do put a lot of thought into them.
I even specifically got too small stores to find non-chain/hallmarky cards that have relevant content to us.
So jerk in a good way maybe?”
Another User Comments:
“I have a friend who writes everything down because she’s got an absolutely garbage memory.
At one point she asked me something ‘suspicious’ like, ‘Oh… you like wearing scarves, right?’ and then made a note on her phone when I confirmed. When I asked her wtf she was up to, she sheepishly told me that she had started keeping a list of things that I really liked and wanted for future gift ideas.
She also admitted that she wrote our casually-scheduled hangouts on the calendar above her desk so that she wouldn’t forget about them or accidentally double-book herself.
Would it be cool if she had a mind like a steel trap and could just remember all of these things? Yeah, sure.
Is it still incredibly touching that she, being aware of her own focus and memory issues, decided to put in the conscious effort to ensure that she remembered to get me gifts on time, not accidentally schedule other activities when she’d made plans with me, and kept a list of things I liked as gift ideas for future reference? Goddamn yes!
Not everybody can remember everything just off the top of their heads.
Not everybody excels at doing things like gift shopping in a timely manner. But if those people manage to figure out ways to not let that be an issue in their own way… how does that cheapen the act in any way? The point of giving cards and gifts is to show appreciation for someone you care about.
That appreciation is in no way lessened just because those things were purchased way ahead of time or because someone who knows that they’re likely to miss your birthday because their memory is faulty then puts effort into making sure that they’ve got a system in place to circumnavigate that.” DumpstahKat
Another User Comments:
“Married woman in her 30s here, and I do this myself for everyone.
We have big families. When I hear someone mention something they like or want I try to remember to write it down so I can shop for it for the next event (even if it’s months away).
We have had emergencies happen right before events where we suddenly couldn’t celebrate at all. I plan ahead and each gift is still thoughtful and meant to be special for each person. It isn’t like the day off comes around and I’m like oh God, let me go get my box and grab something random and shove it in your hand.
I just make sure I’m able to give what I wanted to give when it’s time to give it. I think it’s romantic to have a spouse pick out special things for you and then give them to you, whether it is for a specific event happening now or happening later.
I’m probably biased though because I do this.
A lot of my gifts are also specific, so being able to get them ahead of time makes it much easier. Like if my husband says oh that book that comes out in October looks good, I’ll go ahead and preorder it but not say anything.
Then save it for Christmas. I also have a notebook with his favorite foods from various restaurants so if I want to surprise him I know what he prefers. He thinks it’s sweet though. I guess that’s the difference, and that’s okay.
Not everyone sees romance the same. I don’t think that makes him (OP) a jerk though.” empathetic_tomatoes
Another User Comments:
“NTJ in any way whatsoever. If anything, this shows how much you care. You know you have a blind spot, so you go out of your way to ensure your wife is not forgotten.
The fact that you even go to extra lengths to find personal, meaningful cards and gifts is icing on the cake.
For what it’s worth, I have an excellent memory for planning and dates and tend to put a lot of effort into making holidays and occasions feel special, so remembering to get cards & gifts is not a struggle.
Nonetheless, I have a whole drawer in my desk full of cards for nearly every occasion, including specific cards for specific people and occasions that I’ve found while I’m out and about. I often find multiple cards I like and stockpile them for later.
I don’t think this makes these cards or gifts any less thoughtful or meaningful — if anything, it means you’re always thinking ahead about the people you love and preparing to ensure they feel thought of and celebrated.
If you were my husband, I’d be touched and grateful that you care enough to do this.” Predd1tor
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! You aren’t the jerk here, not in any way! Just because a card was bought ahead of time does not mean your thoughtfulness has been removed.
Honestly, it’s not weird, and I feel for you as I struggle with short-term memory loss. At 16 I started buying multiple cards and gifts ahead of time because I kept forgetting to pick things out close to whatever holiday or occasion I needed them for.
My mother found out what I was doing and loved it. Now my whole household/family does this too.
I don’t want to sound rude, but your wife is being kind of callous… She knows the struggles you have, she knows that drawer is where you keep your things, and she knows that the lovely cards were meant for her.
Now she is demanding you offer her a different gift because she found the originals?… That’s crossing a line, in my opinion anyway, and comes across as a little ungrateful… Although some greeting cards are definitely not worth a blown-out fight, it sounds like having a conversation may help.
Tell her how you feel and why you did this, and see if you two can work something out to make you both feel happy.
May I suggest you two establish a ‘present drawer’ or something of that nature? Having a specific present drawer, cabinet, box, etc.
that she can’t look in may help. Since she won’t be able to look into it you can avoid this issue in the future, and if she also wants a place to hide presents you can abide by the same rules. Maybe this compromise and solution can help smooth things over.
Anyways best of luck friend, you should like a very kind person and husband!” MannyBots
9. AITJ For Refusing To Return My Racist Mom's Car?
“My mother is demanding that I (F21) return her car back to her after she found out that my significant other is black. She’s very traditional and Asian and I knew she had biases but I didn’t know her racism ran this deep.
When I brought him home to introduce him she basically threw a temper tantrum and immediately kicked us out after saying some nasty things to me. She called me back later and screamed at me and said I wasn’t her daughter anymore and said some horrible racial slurs in Chinese that made my partner feel terrible after I told him.
It’s been almost a month since that happened and we’ve only spoken 3 times over the phone since with none being very productive and her just yelling at me and disowning me. She’s been asking for her car back for a couple of weeks now since it’s technically her old car.
She gave it to me when I was 16 and gave me total freedom to drive it wherever, whenever. She pays for my car insurance, but I pay for gas, maintenance, and repairs.
She’s now trying to take it away from me because she says I am disrespectful to her and disobeyed her and I’m refusing because 1, I need to drive to work 20 miles away during the week, and 2, her reasons for wanting to make life harder for me is completely unreasonable and immoral.
She’s been calling me a brat and saying I’m neglecting my family even though she was the one that pushed me out. WIBTJ if I just refused to return it? This is probably her 4th time telling me to give it back.
EDIT: the car is in her name. When I just got my license, she bought a new car for herself and allowed me free reign over her old car. It’s been 5 years and I’ve been maintaining it.
It’s also 14 years old and only has maybe less than a year left on it.”
Another User Comments:
“Whoever actually owns the car should get the car. Personal biases need to be put aside. This is coming from a black man.
If the car was completely gifted to you, it’s yours. If she still has the title in her name, it’s hers.
The problem with receiving things from people is that at some point they have a way of using that to force their ways on you.
It’s even worse when it’s a person who raised you and feels they have a say in every decision you make. If it’s hers, give it back and take it as a lesson learned to buy things you can’t afford to do without.
If it’d not hers anymore, tell her to go suck a kumquat. I’m joking. Tell her it’s yours and deal with it. (I’d give it back, either way, I hate even the smallest feeling of owing someone something).” TREYMANIII
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here and YWBTJ.
Listen, your mother is obviously terrible and racist, we’ll all agree on that. Not much else to say.
But it’s her car. She’s even still paying for it. If you don’t bring it back, she can call the cops on you for stealing it.
Even worse, she can call the cops and claim your partner stole it, which she doesn’t seem above doing, just to put him in danger.
Your mother is a massive jerk, but you don’t have a choice in the matter, it’s her car and you have to bring it back.
Edit: this post assumes the title of the car was never transferred, which was the implication of the post, if that’s incorrect, it totally changes things though. OP, can you shed light?
Edit edit: OP said in other posts the car is in Mom’s name.
I’m truly sorry this is happening to you, but you have to give the car back. Even super trashy people are protected by property law.” AdamOnFirst
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Dang, there’s a lot of sociopaths on here today.
Do you suddenly become the jerk because of the cars in her name? Nonsense. These people are all jerks.
They could easily just advise you to give the car back without resorting to putting you down for it.
Shame on the lot of them. The reason your mom wants the car back isn’t because of some kind of need, it’s because she’s being a selfish racist who’s throwing away someone she cares about over the skin color of their lover.
The ones saying you’re trying to get sympathy for it really are ignoring that racism IS THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM. Unless your mom wanted it back before all of this, this is 100% the case.
It blows that you should probably cover your own butt by giving the car back to her. I hope you’re able to find a reliable vehicle for cheap. Sorry, you were thrown into this extremely toxic situation.
I hope you are able to recover well.” Raxendyl
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ in the spirit of things. Legally, you will have to return it. Cars and pink slips are pretty cut and dry in the court system.
She doesn’t like your partner, so what’s to stop her from reporting it stolen. That’s a whole mess you don’t want to deal with, especially for a 14-year-old car.
Sorry, you’re going through this. Maybe the silver lining is your mom is at least being direct with her hatred, and not hiding it. We have seen plenty of posts when people find out “sibling or parent” reveals a hatred they carried for 10-20 years before it’s exposed.” Jameson18dude
8. WIBTJ If I One-Star A Small Business That Ignored My Refund Request?
“So I got married in 2020. But before that, we had booked most of our vendors, one of whom is the business in question.
It was our baker, let’s call her Linda. We had paid her in full, $450, and signed a contract.
I had a physical copy of this contract, but I stored it away from my other wedding records for some reason.
Originally, we had postponed our date to 2021, hoping it would be safe by then. It obviously was not, and in addition to that, we were no longer in the financial position to host a wedding.
We decided to cancel, rather than postpone again, on May 11. Our postponed date was June 23.
When we decided to cancel, I texted her to tell her that. She responded, saying that sucks but she understands.
I asked if any of the fees were refundable. She said she wasn’t sure but she’d look it up and get back to me.
A week passed, no contact of any kind. I texted her again and asked if she’d found our contract.
I got no response.
Another week passed, I sent the same text again. Still no response.
Then several months passed, and admittedly I didn’t contact her during that time to pursue this.
Two weeks ago, I was cleaning out a closet and found the contract.
The cancellation clause of it says that ‘in the event of cancellation: cakes canceled prior to the 14-day lockout date will be refunded. The $75.00 deposit will not be.’ Keep in mind, we canceled more than a month out.
So I texted her again and said that I found my copy of the contract and everything above about the cancellation policy. Asked her to please contact me so we could figure it out. No response.
A week went by, and I figured maybe she had changed her phone number since we last spoke, since it had been so long. So I found her page on ThumbTack, where I had found her business in the first place.
I messaged her via ThumbTack and said the same thing. No response.
Another week went by, which brings us to today. I messaged her via ThumbTack again and told her that I was finished waiting and would contact a lawyer if I didn’t get a response within a week.
I received a response within 5 minutes. She apologized several times and said that if I sent her pictures of the contract she would send my refund today. So I did, and I received the refund within 30 minutes of the original message about suing.
I’m trying to decide if I should leave a bad review on her ThumbTack page, explaining what happened with one or two stars. I feel like the purpose of reviews and star ratings is so that potential customers can see what previous customers’ experiences were.
But at the same time, she’s a super small bakery, with 4.5 stars after 8 reviews, so a one-star review would really hurt her rating and possibly her business. I’m really not sure: I don’t want to screw over a small business when it’s unwarranted, but I rather feel like it is.
WIBTJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Former bakery owner here who specialized in wedding cakes, and this is unacceptable. It’s hard to speculate since we don’t know a lot of details, but I know that small businesses were hit particularly hard with restrictions, and if she is indeed a sole proprietor/small business, it’s reasonable to assume she hadn’t set aside that money and probably didn’t have it.
It took you threatening legal action to get a response. That tells me she received, and probably read, all your previous messages and chose not to respond. That is not how you run a successful business.
And in the wedding industry, it is all about service.
I think it’s fair to leave an accurate review.” ThatsHowTcakesRolls
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
As long as the review is honest, then it is justified. After all ‘business owner has poor communication and tried to avoid refunding me as per the contract’ is exactly the sort of thing you might want to have known in advance.
Remember that it doesn’t need to be one or five stars – there are choices in between and ways of phrasing a review. ‘One star – business tried to scam me out of a refund’ and ‘three stars – took a long time to organize a refund for a canceled order, but did get it in the end’ both describe the same situation but put a very different emphasis on it.
Not that you would be wrong in being truthful and blunt, but you do have choices depending on how you feel about the situation.” nrsys
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The only thing that matters about a rating is it is true.
She deserves a low rating due to not resonating until you mentioned getting a lawyer. If she didn’t want a low rating, she shouldn’t have ignored your legitimate request for a refund.” RedditDK2
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. In fact, you are doing a service.
Let people know what happened, and how she only responded with the threat of legal action. I know I would appreciate knowing that before I sign a contract with her. There are certainly people out there who might deal with her, and not think to threaten to sue.
She should have given you the refund from the cancellation day, without any dramatics.” jospangel
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ. It sounds like she had found the contract, realized she would have to pay you back, and went to NC to avoid that.
When you threatened legal action she got scared and tried to fix the situation, but that is a dumb reason to try to do the right thing. She deserves that 1 star and a full review stating exactly what happened.” KoshurKoor1115
7. AITJ For Installing Blackout Curtains In Our Room?
“I (33m) am a recent newlywed to my wife (30f.) We have been together for about 4 years but have only been married for 7 months. We’ve bought and moved into a house that is about 25 years old.
I am currently stuck on the night shift. I HATE it. I HATE being up all night and then sleeping during the day. I can’t wait to be off of it, but at my job, it’s all based on seniority.
With some luck, I may be able to go to the day shift next year, but more than likely I’m looking at 2023 until I’m able to move; possibly 2024 but that’s the worst-case scenario.
My wife loves decorating.
She’s made our home look great, but it’s been in increments due to budgetary constraints. In the master bedroom–our bedroom–we’ve hung up blinds on the windows but we’ve been waiting to put up window treatments.
I have trouble sleeping during the day because it tends to be too bright.
I told my wife that I wanted to hang up some blackout curtains in our bedroom to help me sleep during the day but for some reason, she was really against this. She said that this would make the room too ‘gloomy, and depressing’ and that she had a different window treatment in mind.
I told her that I was having trouble sleeping during the day and she suggested that we get a cheap twin bed and mattress and put it in the basement where it’s dark and quiet for me to sleep on my workdays.
I balked at this and said that I shouldn’t be relegated to the basement just because I work overnights; that I want to sleep in my own bed and my own bedroom.
The other day was my day off but I had worked the night before and I woke up before I was ready.
Annoyed I stomped off to our local Home Depot and bought and installed some blackout curtains in our bedroom while my wife was at work. My wife is not happy with me, but I think she needs to just get over it and accept that I need blackout curtains in our bedroom for now and that she can change it out when I switch shifts eventually.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“My husband worked nightshift for the majority of the time we’ve been together. Ironically, we seem to be the opposite of you. He didn’t care what we did with the curtains but kept complaining about the night.
I actually put up two sets of curtains. In one set, I used push pins to wrap around the molding so there were no gaps, and in the other set, I hung normality. I also painted our room a dark blueish purple so the light wouldn’t reflect.
The room was a cave.
But, he was working nights, and he was working a lot. I was never in the room during the day, because he was sleeping and I was at work. On my days off, it let me sleep in late because I wasn’t being woken up by the light.
We had discussed if we moved, our bedroom would be in the basement and his mom (who lives with us) would get the nicer master bedroom but he was put on day shift before that.
NTJ, OP, but you need to really have a talk with your wife.
Soon, she’s going to start complaining that you don’t get anything done during the day even though you’re home all day. Because, you know, you’re sleeping.” any_name_today
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I mean, you really shouldn’t have gone behind your wife’s back and installed the blackout curtains when she wasn’t home.
If you’re ‘allowed’ to do that, what’s to stop her from taking a screwdriver and uninstalling them when you’re at work, and putting up something she likes?
You two need to come to an agreement/compromise.
That said, you did try to talk to her about it, and her very unreasonable compromise was that you sleep on a mattress on the floor of the basement?! She’s completely the jerk for that.
Frankly, a compromise would have been easy. I have a blackout roller shade that completely rolls up into its cassette at the top when not in use; it’s practically invisible and would not interfere at all with any window treatments your wife wanted.
So, you two need to talk. And please consider whether you really want to stay married to a person who would be happy to have you sleep on the floor in the basement so as not to interfere with here decorating plans.” SamSpayedPI
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I am in a somewhat similar situation. A couple of months ago I picked up some night shifts just three nights a week to pick up some extra cash so we can use it to pay off some credit and medical debt.
I work 7 pm-6 am Thurs, Fri, and Sat and so need to sleep in the day. Before I started the job my wife said she would get some curtains to make it dark so I can sleep.
My wife has ordered 6 sets of curtains now. They arrive, she irons them and puts them up, and then immediately decides she doesn’t like the aesthetic. Rather than ordering new ones and waiting for them to arrive before taking down and returning the ones she previously bought, they must immediately be taken down.
They are then packaged up and sent back, refunded and then the process will start again where she looks, orders put them up, and then takes them down. I use a sleep mask but the lights still poke in so, unfortunately, I can only get around 4 hours of sleep after working 11 hour overnight shifts.
I’ve tried to explain that she should just leave them up and get new ones but she says there’s limited time to return them and she can’t concentrate during work and such knowing that there are ugly curtains she doesn’t like hanging elsewhere in the house.
Unfortunately, the fact that it makes it impossible to sleep is of secondary importance to her not having to look at ‘ugly’ curtains.” You5008
Another User Comments:
“Hahaha NTJ. I have blackout curtains throughout my house. I’m also in the northern US, so in summer the sun starts coming up at around 4 am and F that.
Also, have an OLED TV in the living room, and they’re known for the glare, so blackout curtains are there for nice TV viewing. I wouldn’t say our house is gloomy at all, I have the curtains open during the day when I’m up and about, it’s just nice to be able to block out the light when I want to.
But I’m also more about functionality than decorative. Either way, the house belongs to both of you and when it comes down to it, need triumphs over want. You NEED to sleep to do your job to provide for everything.
She just wants because she has a mental image. Yeah, it sucks not to have what you want, and maybe there is a compromise somewhere to make her feelings feel validated (not sleeping in the basement, but maybe some decorative something elsewhere), but at the end of the day you need your sleep and she’ll just have to deal.” McChocoboNugget
6. AITJ For Refusing To Help My Ex Reconnect With Our Son?
“My ex and I divorced after eight years of marriage. Our son was 7 at the time. The divorce was messy, but my son was my best bud until middle school.
Around the time my son started middle school, my ex started sharing her ‘truth’ with him about what a jerk I was and how innocent she was.
This happened around the same time I cut back on child support because she wouldn’t get a job. I also remarried and she was jealous.
I never badmouthed my ex, but I disputed her lies. My son turned on me throughout middle school and hated me.
Well, my ex found a man, and my son took a backseat. Her partner and my son HATED each other. Long story short, she picked her man over our son and he lived with me and my wife full-time while his mom traveled the world.
They rarely spoke.
My son is now 17. His mom broke up with her rich partner and wants to reconnect with our son. Our son told her to get lost. She reached out to me to help her rebuild their relationship.
I told her no way after the way she undermined my relationship with him when he was in middle school. Plus he’s 17, not 10. It is his choice, not mine.
He has a wonderful relationship with my wife, BTW.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I lived through an unpleasant parental breakup and remarriage, and that was many years ago. It’s my observation that, when parents split, kids at a younger age may well favor one, then the other, parent, as they navigate phases of their youth.
This was the case for me. I lived with my dad and resented my mom for a few years. Then, I saw the flaws in my Dad and resented him. As I broached adulthood, I saw the general imperfections all around, including in myself, and grew to realize that (at least in my case) imperfect people were trying to do the Right Thing (TM), and often failing.
I had a great relationship with my mom for her last 5 years, and similarly with my dad (who’s still around). I’m an older guy now, and this took some time
My advice: support efforts for her to reconnect by not getting in the way, but don’t create/contrive any artificial situations for her benefit (I.e.
Don’t undermine your son). Time will pass, and your son will figure things out for himself. You can even explain this to him: ‘Your opinion will change over time, and that’s good!'” not-for-sale-today-
Another User Comments:
“Stayed with mom under the guise of separation (studied overseas so the whole family moves except dad), no remarriage but dad has a second family that we already knew about their existence when I was 5 years old.
It was miserable living with mom because she would be on the phone with her friends and kept whining about their relationship and his affair. But I was on her side because I got angry whenever I eavesdropped on my mother.
I never had a relationship with my dad, only had phone calls occasionally to ask for money (force by mom).
I moved away from home, like across the world far. It was great, I basically went to NC and they don’t bother to check on me often.
I’ll just call my dad to send me allowance. Because it’s only that. Then when I just graduated last year, I went through a crazy mental breakdown. I just realized how trashy my family is. Till today, I realized that I’ve formed ZERO emotional connection with my parents or siblings.
Dad is busy with his other family, mom is busy with her depression.
When I first got to know my husband (then-partner) and his family, wow I felt great for the first time because I finally knew what family means and feels.
His family treats me more like a family than my own family. How crazy is that? I only know that like 5 years, whereas I know my family my whole life, and yet, today if I need a favor or have an emergency, I know my husband’s family will bend over backward for me.
My family, huh!” lofimiffy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’ve actually been the child in this scenario. My parents had a rough split and I never had much contact with my dad growing up as he was trying to start a new family with his new wife.
Even now as an adult we have a strained relationship and he still talks badly about my mom and situations that happened 10+ years ago. However, my mom always encouraged me to have a relationship with my dad.
She didn’t really have one growing up, her dad wanted nothing to do with her. It did give me a little bit of a push to at least try and see his side and has helped me move on from the feelings of abandonment and just all-around anger of not having him around when I needed him.
You of course have no real reason to try, but it really doesn’t hurt. It took me a long time to realize how his not being there affected me and I respect my mom a lot for her always putting our feelings first even though she knows he tried to turn us against her.
I was reluctant at first, but I know she only wanted what was best for me. It helped me out more now emotionally than if I had completely cut contact. At the end of the day, he knows you were the one who was always there for him and that you’ll always be his support system.” getittogetherlemon
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Badmouthing your ex in front of your kid is bad parenting. It’s wildly hypocritical for her to expect you to say nice things about her now that the shoe is on the other foot.
All I would say is don’t actively discourage your son from seeing her.
Your best bet is to be a neutral party, and support whatever he decides to do. I don’t think you need that advice though – you seem like you’re doing a great job.
While I’m at it with the unnecessary advice…
you said he has a good relationship with your wife? Would there be any use in getting her to have a chat with him? I absolutely agree that your ex doesn’t deserve anything and that it’s his choice, but it might be a good idea to check that it is his choice, and he’s not just standing by you.
Kids can be fiercely protective, especially in situations like these, and you want him to make the decision for him.
Regardless, A+ parenting for you and your wife. D- for your ex. She might be his bio mother, but to me, it’s very clear who his family is.” endearinglysarcastic
Only thing I always taught her is to not waste time on hate. Beyond that, we weren't there and can't know where she was coming from, so we respected her wishes, based entirely on what we did know of the situation.
Let son and Mom reunite on their terms and you stay out of it beyond emotional support. If it will happen, it will happen with or without you, so don't push him either way. Switzerland. Neutral. She disconnected herself. She can reconnect herself if he wants it. Just support him, not her, because he will remember what was wrong, not what was right.
I remember my parents hit a rough patch when I was in middle school and mom talked about my dad. I was 21 when my dad ever said anything about my mom. He caught himself and finished with "Oh, you know how your mother gets!" It is all fine now, but I remember who talked about who.
5. AITJ For Making My Late Wife's Daughter Move Out So I Can Date In Peace?
“My late wife passed away about a year ago. We were together 10 years but not married until she became sick about a year before that. She has a daughter Beth who is 19 years old.
Beth is taking college classes but they are 100% online so she has stayed at ‘home’ which is my house. I’ve owned this before my wife moved in so it was never technically shared.
I’ve wanted to be supportive of Beth but don’t want her here indefinitely or until she’s done with college.
That’s 3 more years and it makes hanging out super awkward. I had a lady friend over after a dinner date last week and she was snarky towards her and later told me I’m moving on too fast.
I tried to have an honest talk about being ready to move on and date others but she kept calling me a jerk. I’m just ready to move on with my life but her presence is making that difficult.
I told her I want her to move out at the end of this next semester which would be the end of May, so 5 full months to find a place. She flipped out and told me I’m abandoning her ‘to get laid’.
This isn’t really the case I just want to move on to my life and don’t want to live with a 19-year-old any longer. She’s still mad at me and is making living in my own home awkward.
But she claims she can’t afford to go anywhere else.
Edit: I did not raise or adopt Beth. My wife was VERY clear that she was not looking for a replacement father for her. Beth never lived with me until 2 years ago when she was almost 18 when her mom moved in with me due to her being sick and needing more attention.
I never played a fatherly role in her life.
Before moving in, she and her mom moved every few years for a while. Beth didn’t move in till her senior year of high school because her mom needed my help.
Obviously couldn’t move the mom in without the daughter.
Before giving her notice to leave, I tried to have a talk about ground rules for staying here mostly including being polite to any guests of mine. She then went off on me for moving on with my life.
That is when I made my decision.
It wasn’t exactly your ‘traditional’ marriage. Before getting sick my late wife never wanted to get married because her parents had such a nasty one and her parents have been divorced a combined 4 times.
I’m not religious so never felt a need to get married either. When she got sick we realized her insurance was terrible while mine through work is much better. So it was a practical decision to get married so she could be added to mine.
Even then, she affirmed I wasn’t responsible for Beth.
I’m not just trying to get laid as many have said. I’m moving on and trying to have a normal adult relationship.”
Another User Comments:
“It’s been a year. I can tell you from personal experience when someone is terminally ill you begin the grieving process much earlier.
It’s not like she died unexpectedly in a car accident. He’s had over two years to process this.
He’s allowed to move on with his life. I wasn’t aware there was a mandatory celibacy period after someone dies.
He’s ready to start seeing other women again, and yes, adults have intercourse.
You’re allowed to feel one way or another about asking the 19-year-old to move out in 6 months, but you have no right to shame people for wanting a relationship, intimate or otherwise.
He didn’t even say he ‘just wants to get laid’, you are the one that projected your motivations onto him. He’s allowed to date. He’s allowed to have loving intercourse, casual intercourse, no intercourse, whatever kind of intercourse he wants.
His stepdaughter is the one going out of her way to make nasty comments to his guests. He’s asked her repeatedly to stop. He doesn’t owe her free housing.
She’s an adult and it’s not her home.
She didn’t grow up there and his late wife made it clear he is not a father figure.
He shouldn’t have to live like a priest until she graduates college and he certainly doesn’t deserve to be treated like trash in his own house.
If she can’t be civil then she can go stay with her Dad, relatives, friends, roommates, dorms, or get her own place.
Your attitude is completely uncalled for, I cannot believe it’s 2020 and people still think it’s okay to shame grown adults for having intercourse.
As per OP’s comments, Beth has $20,000. OP waived his spousal rights so she would inherit everything. He was legally entitled to a 50/50 split, but morally he did the right thing which says a lot about his character.
Also, these aren’t snarky comments made in passing. She repeatedly throws 10+ minute tantrums calling OP every horrible, cruel name she can think of. She calls these women awful names to their faces.
I remember how it felt when I lost my father.
That pain never goes away, and it leaves permanent scars. I understand the insidious, overwhelming crushing weight of grief.
It’s cruel. Time is the one thing you want more than anything, but you will never get it back.
It feels surreal — life just keeps going. Nothing stops and you aren’t allowed a moment to grieve. All I wanted was the world to stop for even a week just so I could process what happened.
Time is a luxury and you can’t afford it.
But regardless of how bad you’re hurting, you cannot treat people like this. You do not get a free pass to abuse people because you’re in pain.
He’s given her multiple chances and she made her choice.
She’s allowed to be in pain, she’s not allowed to abuse the person who is taking care of her. And she has no right to demand her late mother’s partner remain single and celibate while she lives in his home.
OP, the only thing I would suggest is that you talk to her about getting grief counseling ASAP. She should have resources at her university. Something tells me there’s a little more to this than you moving on from her mother.
I’m afraid she’s developed a bit of a possessive, unhealthy codependent attachment towards you and I think deep down she sees you going out with other women as more of a betrayal against her than her mother.
Calling other women slurs and other nasty names indicates there may be some subconscious jealousy on her part. Otherwise, she’d just be annoyed at you, but she’s specifically triggered by the idea of you potentially sleeping with another woman.
She’s a young woman who spends the majority of her time living at home with an older man who takes care of her and provides emotional support. The language she’s using indicates to me she’s subconsciously inherited the role of her mother in your life, and these women are a threat to her relationship, which is why she’s degrading and humiliating them in front of you.
It’s possessive and territorial.
She needs to move out. May is six months away and she has $20,000 in the bank. Her behavior is inappropriate on a level outside of just grief.” DylanHate
Another User Comments:
“His ugliness presents in his indifference to her.
He’s spent 10 years with her mother, loved her mother, and never found it in his heart to feel anything more than indifference towards her. That’s cold-blooded, at the very least. The daughter likely sees OP as a father figure, albeit a distant, disinterested one.
But a father figure, nonetheless, and probably the only family she has left. And here he is, abandoning her, not just physically by pushing her out of the house (THE HOUSE WHERE HER MOTHER DIED BTW), but emotionally and familially while he seeks to replace her and her mother with a new partner.
She’s 19 years old and processing her mother’s death. Her brain, specifically the part that helps decision making, impulse control, predicting the consequences of one’s actions, and coordinating complex behaviors, isn’t fully developed. She’s biting the hand that feeds her, yes, but she’s also not emotionally mature enough to process her actions and their consequences of them.
She’s already been forced to deal with her mother’s death by herself, as OP has made it very clear he wants very little, if anything at all, to do with her. Her acting out is a sign of stress and distress that she clearly needs help coping with the life changes that OP is obviously ignoring.
Legally, maybe he has no obligation to care for her. But morally, yes he does. He’s shoving an emotionally distressed, economically unprepared child onto the streets without a shred of consciousness, despite the fact that he loved her mother and was a part of her life for 10 years.
To be honest, I see no way where she would be better off learning this lesson RIGHT NOW. All I see in her future, if OP pushes her out, is trust issues, abandonment issues, bitterness, and a ton of financial debt.” Canbeezy
Another User Comments:
“Having had a bit of firsthand experience in this situation, both as a kid in a stepparent and the friend of someone who lost his wife and started seeing other women again, I’m going to go with ‘no jerks here.’ You and your stepdaughter were both put in a tough situation.
She lost her mother, presumably has nowhere else to go, and is at an age in a time period when it is really hard to start adult life.
But you are the more mature adult here and while you are not legally responsible for your stepdaughter, I’d think you would feel some sort of moral obligation to at least help her out for a bit given everything that has happened.
You need to have a frank talk with her, maybe more than once, that as hard as it is, you both have to move on. I think you should do whatever you can to let her stay and help her get onto her feet.
Be clear that she needs to eventually find her own place, but don’t rush her or pressure her to move out. She’s in a really tough spot and I do think you have some sort of obligation here to make sure she is able to start adult life. If you don’t, then YTA.” movingon4
4. AITJ For Telling My Children To Take Tyler's Feelings Into Consideration?
“My oldest son Ty (27) dropped out of college for the second time. He’s been very depressed recently and had to move home.
My middle Max (20) will be graduating in July. She did a fast-track program and is excited.
She called about an internship in California that she’s excited to start.
I told her I don’t want to tell her brother yet he’s still depressed. She got mad at me and hung up.
My youngest Jonas (17) is looking into colleges when he graduates this summer and is doing his essays now.
Of course, Max and Jonas are excited but I’m asking them to calm down for their brother’s sake. I think it’s mean of them to rub their success in Tyler’s face like that.
Jonas got mad when I hushed him on his plans for college.
He told me to shut up and be happy that he’s not a loser like Tyler. Tyler heard this and won’t leave his room.
Jonas packed his stuff and is staying with my ex. My ex told me to be happy for our other children but I’m trying to keep Tyler happy because I don’t want him getting more depressed.
Now Max says she’s not coming home for graduation because I depress her. She packing up straight from college and going straight to California. She told me I can give all of her stuff to Tyler because that’s all I care about.
She’s banned Tyler and me from her graduation and helping her move. Jonas said I’m not allowed to go on campus visiting with him.
I’m trying to help Tyler through his depression but my other kids don’t even care about my situation of me also being a mother to him.”
Another User Comments:
“Gentle but firm YTJ, because dealing with someone’s mental illness can be hard and you love your son, I can’t fault you that.
That being said, sacrificing your other children because of one child is traumatizing, and I can tell you that from personal experience as the sacrificed child.
You cannot spare Tyler from every mood swing, or try to prevent him from ever seeing someone succeed in life.
Trying to shut your other children up until about things that they deserve to have celebrated and have you be proud of them for is cruel. It sends a clear message to them of who you care about more, so don’t be surprised that they’ve acted out in hurt to you and your favorite child.
Encourage Tyler to get help, be supportive, but don’t shame or silence your other kids for his sake, you’re making him the enemy and burning bridges to important relationships.” mistake_sendhelp
Another User Comments:
“Seriously of course YTJ why should the rest of your children keep quiet about their success just because their older sibling messed up TWICE!
Let me guess Tyler is your golden child and everyone else has to make it so Tyler is put first.
You did none of your children any favors especially Tyler, he should be happy for his siblings and use his experience to help make sure they don’t mess it up as he did.
Apologize to your children and let them be excited for their future if you want any part of it because otherwise, they will run from you and Tyler as soon as they can, and then all you’ll be left with is the golden child who couldn’t actually amount to anything because mother dearest never let them actually be an adult.” Anewstageinlife
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
I would hate as a child if my mom was just favoring my sibling while neglecting my own well-being. I understand that you want to shield the child who’s not doing great but it is never going to be okay if you make the other ones feel bad about their happiness.
And I understand depression on a personal level and it will make me absolutely worse that my siblings are told not to be excited or happy in their achievements and joys. I suggest that you talk to Tyler about this.
Communicate with him via a joint therapy session maybe. Or try talking to his therapist separately and see what they recommend. Because not only this is destroying your relationships with your kids but also Tyler’s with his siblings.
Don’t always prioritize Tyler. Apologize to your younger kids and try an innovative way to celebrate their joy without pulling Tyler down. Have a sitting-down heart-to-heart conversation with your youngest kids too. Avail the help of your ex in this case as they can try to soothe the younger kids.
Try going to therapist or group therapy yourself.” nehu13
Another User Comments:
“This sounds exactly like the dynamic between my mother, my uncle, and my grandmother.
Spoiler alert: No one speaks to my grandmother anymore, including the kid she was trying to ‘protect’.
If your kids are already hanging up on you over this, then you’ve probably already been pulling this kind of thing for a long time and they’re just done pretending it’s not annoying for your sake.
Genuine mental health struggles or not, there is no excuse for making others around you feel like they need to hide or feel guilty about their success. If your son is already showing resentment toward his siblings, you’re enabling it.
If he isn’t, you’re probably encouraging it.
My uncle had every excuse in the book, always felt victimized, made my grandparents feel like they were obligated to financially support him into adulthood. He never said anything right to my mom, but he would complain about feeling left behind to my grandmother.
And then my grandmother would in turn try and ask my mother not to ‘flaunt’ her success ‘in his face.’
This dynamic just grew more and more toxic over time. The more success my mom had, the more my uncle felt entitled to the same, and the more he’d pressure my grandmother about it.
It’s gotten to the point now where my grandmother is basically delusional. We are thoroughly lower middle class, but she can’t see cars in the driveway or a necessary renovation or a shopping trip of any kind without making a crack about how ‘lucky’ my mom is or how it must be nice to be able to afford it.
She herself could easily afford it if she were not supporting my uncle. She does afford it for my uncle, but since he can’t manage to maintain it or save what she gives him worth a darn, they both have it in their heads that we are beyond loaded and are rubbing it in their faces.
By the time it got to the point where she was dropping hints about my mom not ‘considering’ (ie supporting lmao) my uncle, my mom just up and cut ties.
Guess who else doesn’t speak to her now either, because the funds have dried up and the pity and ‘protection’ itself can’t actually fund him sitting at home anymore?
And guess who my grandmother is still convinced is the wronged party in all of this?” hbtfdrckbck
3. AITJ For Throwing Out My Girl's Empty Jars?
“Throwaway because I know she likes to read relationship boards sometimes.
I(42m) moved in with my lovely gf(28f) a few months ago, before this craziness started, and we’d been seeing each other for a year before tha .
She’s an excellent cook and really funny, so life with her has been great but since this incident, she’s been snappy at me and lost some of her perkiness and good humor.
She always liked to mix “fancy drinks” in big Mason jars to drink around the house.
Now mind you, I’ve actually been a bartender before, her drinks are not fancy. They’re not even drinks. She usually just squeezes a lemon and puts some ice on her water, or she makes green tea and cools it in the fridge with mint or wtv.
And the jars usually come from some grocery or the other, she saves jars from bulk peanut butter, bean jars, whatever has a big glass jar she’s going to end up saving it to drink from it.
Before moving in I’d asked about the jars cuz I thought it really strange.
I mean, she owns normal glasses. Her justification was that the jars are bigger and therefore she doesn’t forget to drink water throughout the day. At the time, I kind of assumed this was some weight loss thing she didn’t want to actually tell me because she was embarrassed, as she’s a little bit chubby, so I let it go.
But now I’ve moved in, the jars were annoying me more and more.
She doesn’t keep every one of them, but she has like ten in their own shelf, and it seems like such a stupid waste of space in our small kitchen. Besides, we have glasses. She doesn’t have to drink from a jar.
So this earlier this week I was tidying up the kitchen while she slept in and I just… Threw them out.
I think the kitchen looks much better, we have more storage for pots and she can still prepare her “fancy drinks” in normal glasses.
She was angry. I’ve never seen her so mad. Her main point were that the jars never bothered anyone and it’s none of my business, but now I live here too so I think it is.
During the fight, and this is where I may be the jerk, I mentioned that it’s stupid to want special recipients to just drink flavored water, it’s not like it’s a cocktail and she’s only doing it to lose weight anyway.
She went really quiet at that and walked away from me.
I gave her time to get over it but it’s been a few days and she’s still moping around, and I noticed she doesn’t seem excited about her “fancy” drinks… That’s making me feel kind of bad, but I still think I was in the right to throw out her jars, as they were just garbage.
Reddit, should I just bite the bullet and apologize? AITA?”
Another User Comments:
“YTA.
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I get that you’re a guy. But you aren’t her boss. You aren’t her parent. You are the reason Reddit looks at men in their 40’s seeing women in their 20’s and thinks, yep, that’s cause nobody your own age would put up with that bullcrap.
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She had ten extra glasses.
She wasn’t deceiving you, or having addiction problems, or running up credit card debts she can’t pay off. She was drinking out of a jar. If this is what sets you off, you have impossible standards and anger management issues beyond the scope of what people here can help you with.
You might consider a therapist. Also, see number one above.
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There was zero reason to bring up her weight during an argument about you throwing out her possessions without her permission, except to chip away at her self-esteem, which is a classic abuser sign.
See number one above.
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YTA also for posting this, knowing she reads relationship stuff here, and referring again to her being “chubby.” Her weight has nothing to do with you throwing out her stuff, or whether she should need permission for some idiot almost old enough to be her father before deciding what glass she is allowed to drink out of, as an adult, in her own home.
Hurting her self-esteem, check. Publicly humiliating her, check. Being obsessively controlling, check. See number one above.” Ductoid
Another User Comments:
“I don’t believe this is an anger issue he has. At all. I don’t think therapy will work.
At all. You know why? Because OP feels like someone who dabbles more into abuse territory than anger territory.
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He absolutely belittles his GF.
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If she talks about a decision she made, it’s a “justification”. Just a bit of an odd word choice for a guy moving in with his GF, a person he should be in love with.
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He’s absolutely entitled and feels he’s allowed to make decisions for both of them without consulting her.
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If she’s not okay with his decision, he acts like he’s gracious for giving her space to “get over it”.
If she doesn’t get over it, he’s calling it “moping”.
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He openly makes fun of her choice of drink and her weight (I don’t even want to know what I didn’t catch because I didn’t even read everything).
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This is the stuff he feels comfortable sharing.
It’s normal for people to not show everything so they won’t look bad. Do we even want to know the rest he doesn’t share?” Christie Fox
Another User Comments:
“What’s ridiculous is we don’t even know that it was for weight loss, he’s assumed it is because, according to his standards, she is a little chubby, but there’s no actual evidence she is in fact drinking them for weight loss, she’s probably drinking flavored water to maintain hydration.
After all, she specifically mentioned hydration to him for a reason to use the jars, but nothing about weight loss. The fact that she walked out when he said it was for weight loss suggests to me that it isn’t the purpose, and it’s just she’s realized he thinks she’s overweight. YTA op.” Reddit User
2. AITJ For Giving My Daughter Money To Fix Her Hair After Stepdaughter's Prank?
“My daughter ‘Kailey’ is going through a bad time right now. Her husband filed for divorce very unexpectedly and is being shady with their assets and has cut off all of her access to money. She’s staying with my husband and me and is understandably very depressed.
Kailey has never gotten along with her stepsister ‘Jade.’ When they were kids we forced them to be civil but as adults, it’s kind of a mess. Kailey said something colorist to Jade when she was over.
I yelled at Kailey and was genuinely disappointed. We are all the same race and I was ashamed. It isn’t the first time she’s used that to insult Jade. She swears she doesn’t mean it and is just going for what will hurt.
It’s a sore subject because Jade’s bio mom is very colorist to the point she tried keeping Jade out of the sun as a kid.
Jade has an issue where she will kind of do anything for attention so her fiancé was egging her on that they should play a prank on Kailey.
Kailey dyes her hair blonde and it is extremely bleached and damaged and can’t touch chlorine. They soaked her hair in pool water while she slept. It wasn’t enough to wake her but enough to damage it and there was visible green.
Kailey was sobbing. She is already insecure about her appearance. I made her wait a few days but I gave her the budget to get it professionally done because I just feel for her. She couldn’t face her ex like that if she has to see him in court and she feels like trash.
My husband is now mad and saying she should have had to stay like that and he accused me of taking Kailey’s side though I’m furious with her.”
Another User Comments:
“So, Jade and Kailey never got along when you two blended your families.
You forced them to be civil, which likely resulted in them secretly hurting each other when you weren’t there to stop it. Sounds like you never brought them to either family or individual therapy to help stabilize your family dynamics.
Whatever you and your husband did to try to create a ‘family’ clearly didn’t work.
So, they’re now adults. They still don’t like each other, and they continue to hurt each other, both emotionally and physically. It sounds like the anger is escalating.
One girl even gets her fiance involved in the abuse. You and your husband get involved in their abusive ‘tricks’ or rescue them from the abuse when it suits you.
Everyone sucks here. Your whole family is at each other’s throats and loyalties seem to change all the time.
No one has learned how to be a civil adult. Everyone in your family needs individual therapy and some family sessions. Although I think it would be impossible to get anyone in your family to agree.
They sound too entrenched in their anger and dislike of each other. You had an opportunity to try to fix this during their childhood and teen years, and I doubt it will happen now. You reap what you sow.” where_are_the_bats
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ for helping Kailey get her hair dyed.
However, YTJ for tolerating Kailey’s bigotry. From your text, I see that Jade is your husband’s daughter.
Kailey is racist/colorist and pretending that her and Jade’s issue is violence on both sides issue is nonsense. I also wonder how much you’ve been downplaying and tolerating Kailey’s bigotry at Jade’s expense throughout their lives (because Kailey’s your daughter and/or you aren’t as hurt by her statements as someone who looks like Jade might be).
For someone to tell you that you or your body is worthless, ugly, or gross because of the color of your skin HURTS. And Kailey clearly knows it as she’s done it before, been confronted about it, and CONTINUES to do it because she wants to hit Jade where she knows it hurts the most.
And considering they’re adults now, I’m assuming there’s at least a good decade of racist trauma Jade’s been subjected to that’s being glossed over here.
Kailey is a bigot even if she’s a brown woman, too. You don’t get to use racism, colorism, misogyny, or homophobia to demean or belittle someone then say you aren’t actually racist or colorist because you were just mocking them for their race or color just to hurt them.
I’m certain most folks will just say that words never justify assault and I’m not going to say that Jade should have bleached Kailey’s hair. But I bet most of us would just cheer Jade on for punching a Nazi.
I think y’all should’ve made Kailey leave (for a while) after she said that racist stuff to make it clear that she doesn’t get to be racist just because she’s mad or sad or upset.” Expensive_Arm2852
Another User Comments:
“Words can in extreme cases like this legally and morally justify assault–however, the way Jade did it, in particular, was specifically cowardly and carried the danger of a really inappropriate level of harm (acid burns).
I think that’s where the whole mess hits an ‘everyone sucks here’ and Jade is also (albeit much less so than anyone else) in the wrong. Had she punched Kailey or pulled her hair or something, acted out in any other way then and there, that would have been less cowardly and more commendable.
Once you’re so long after the fact, you’re expected to no longer be at the emotional extreme of violence, especially premeditated violence to this extent.
Ultimately the biggest jerk here is OP, because she’s had years and years and years to give appropriate punishment to Kailey to at least get her to the point where she doesn’t just say this kind of filth directly in front of everyone else with no fear of consequence, and Jade doesn’t feel like her only recourse is to secretly douse Kailey in diluted acid overnight.
I can only imagine the years of abuse and gaslighting involved for Jade to come over to her parents’ house at all now, especially when Kailey is there, which I would say is in many ways worse than even Kailey, the source of the bigotry, because it shows that OP failed in more than just letting Kailey do whatever she wanted.
Your job as a parent is to protect your children. It sounds like Jade was never protected at all.” reddit_insane_inane
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Kailey for being colorist, Jade and her fiancé for the ‘prank’, and you and your husband for letting this feud drag on for years.
Your husband has every right to be upset that your daughter has mistreated his daughter for years, and your response is to just yell at her. She’s learned that there are no consequences to her remarks.
All you’ll do is yell and get over it. Jade is left to deal with the emotional damage for years.
Your daughter is going through a rough time- that doesn’t give her a pass to be a jerk to Jade.
You helped her pay to get her hair treated, okay fine. You’ve still enabled her behavior for years.
Should Jade and her fiancé resort to something so childish? No. Your husband shouldn’t have been upset with you, but more so Kailey.
This whole family dynamic sounds like a mess. You guys need therapy, and Kailey needs a reality check. If she treats darker-skinned people like that, and DOESN’T expect some kind of consequence, she’s sorely mistaken.” Mushroom-frog12
1. AITJ Because We Didn't Want My Husband's Kids With Us?
“My (35M) husband (37M) married a woman when he was in his early 20’s, mostly because his conservative family expected him to do so, and at the time, he thought he would never come out of the closet.
Nevertheless, 4 years later, when she was pregnant with their second son (eldest daughter was barely 3), he couldn’t take it anymore and told her his real orientation. The scandal was big, he was shunned from both families and had to literally escape to a city on the other side of the country, my city by the way.
My husband spent years trying to keep in contact with his ex, trying to be involved with the kids and pay child support, but her hate (which I find understandable) was so big that she didn’t want anything to do with him, and she didn’t want the kids to even know him.
We had been together for some months when he got mail from a lawyer that actually asked for him to surrender his parental rights so that his ex’s new husband could adopt the kids. He is not good with confrontation, and by this point, he had already accepted that he had lost his kids, so he signed the papers.
This was 7 years ago. Since then, we have made our own life. And honestly, is a very good one. We both have good-paying jobs we like, we have a lot of free time, we travel around the world, we have three beautiful dogs, a good apartment.
Call it the trauma, but he doesn’t want kids, and nor do I.
And here is the problem. Recently, both his ex and her husband died (not really sure what happened) and her sister, the aunt of the kids, got custody.
She doesn’t want them, and it seems no one in the family does. Nor his ex’s, not his own, not the one of the new husband. According to my husband, is not out of malice but because they don’t have anything and they have their own kids to attend to.
So, the aunt wanted to ‘return’ the kids to their biological dad. We contacted our lawyer and to put it simply, we can refuse. There is no legal obligation and while my husband could use his ‘bio’ status to recover the paternal rights, there is no way they can force him to do it.
We sent our answer and the storm came upon us.
Online bullying, hateful phone calls, and messages, all from the kid’s family. The main idea is that he is a deadbeat and a horrible human being for leaving his children, especially when we have all the resources to do so.
On our side… well, it’s sad they are now orphans, but we are speaking about a 10F that doesn’t remember his face and a 7M that never met him, both going through a very difficult loss and in no way fit for moving to a new city far away from everything they know.
Even if we wanted kids and were willing to entirely change our lifestyle for them, they are the worst option I can imagine.
We are both on the same page here, but the constant attacks (that we have managed to partially stop) have made our minds uneasy.
So that’s why we came here to ask if we are really being the jerks in all of this.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Not really you as much as your husband. I can’t imagine how hard it was to pretend to be someone he was not while he was still in the closet.
My heart goes out for that. But he was still a sovereign person who chose to live a closeted life and chose to have children.
I cannot stress this enough:
THE CHILDREN DID NOT ABANDON HIM.
His ex-wife should never have refused to let him see them but it’s difficult to get full custody with no visitation rights without proof of abuse or something of the like.
I won’t make assumptions and fail towards your husband believing it best for the children at the time not to be caught up in the middle of their parent’s animosity. But now the children need him.
And they are his. He is the jerk. Period. If bringing them into your life would be too difficult and the two of you don’t believe you’ll be able to provide them a loving home, I’ll understand that.
But the very least he can do is offer financial support to the aunt who would take them where she was able to and get to know them.
“On our side… well, it’s sad they are now orphans, but we are speaking about a 10F that doesn’t remember his face and a 7M that never met him, both going through a very difficult loss and in no way fit for moving to a new city far away from everything they know.”
This is the worst part for me.
Just say you don’t want to mess up the life that YOU’VE cultivated for yourselves. You aren’t doing the children any favors by lending them no support and casting them into the extreme uncertainty that is likely group homes and the foster care system.
Edit: The question is not if he should or legally has to adopt his children. He obviously has no legal obligation. And after reading this post, I could not strongly advise him to adopt these children.
OP’s husband wants to put his own needs ahead of those of his children. He would not make a good parent. That still makes him a jerk.” xero_art
Another User Comments:
“The only victims here right now are the kids and that’s who I feel sorriest for.
What happened to your husband was awful and I understand that he has trauma from that, while homophobia in this day and age is inexcusable I do understand that the ex must have had the rug pulled out from her in a major way.
To be clear that does not excuse what she did withholding the kids, but I also struggle to understand your husband not fighting for them especially knowing the kind of homophobic environment they were growing up in.
Anyway regardless of that, all is done and in the past, the situation as we have it is two little kids who lost their dad, and have now lost their parents and are being faced with not a single family member wanting them.
Can you imagine how awful that must be for them to hear those relatives arguing over who has to take them in? Including the bio dad who you have no idea what they’ve even been told about, for all you know they think he left because he didn’t care and is now cementing that.
You are both within your rights to say no to these kids but don’t delude yourself, they will be separated and at a high chance of abuse in foster care.
Kids that age rarely get adopted so they will likely age out of the system with no support.
They are not your responsibility and that would not be your fault but you are both in a position here to make a choice about whether you offer a family to these kids or whether you (or rather your husband) is able to continue living his life knowing what that choice has to lead to.
And I don’t say that to make you feel guilty, but often people have a very rose-tinted view of little orphans getting adopted by lovely families, as a social worker I can tell you that rarely happens.
And these kids will suffer significant trauma and identity issues due to their extensive loss and rejection.
You shouldn’t be coming here to ask if you are the jerk, you and your husband should be having a serious conversation about what you can live with and what you can’t.
If you both truly have moved in and don’t care about these kids, leave them be, if you think your husband would suffer guilt then see if there’s isn’t a way to open a visitation schedule and support a relative caring for them or take them in.
But this choice will have a very lasting impact on your husband’s mental and emotional health either way so you need to put your own feelings and opinions to the side and support him to make whatever decision he feels is best.” estrellafish
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here except for those kids.
Your husband should never have been made to feel obligated to give up his parental rights but he definitely wasn’t forced to.
He chose to create two children (he could’ve had a vasectomy) and being closeted doesn’t abdicate you from the things you did while in there.
Those poor kids have nobody, and you both have the means to provide for them, your only reason not to seems to be that you have a pretty sweet life right now.
And that makes you selfish jerks – his kids did nothing to deserve this and if he really feels the way you say he does after supposed years of trying to keep in touch, I’d question his commitment to anything.
As these aren’t adults rocking up to an unacknowledged bio dad to ask for handouts these are kids who have no one else.
AFAIK, these kids did nothing to turn your husband away, and now they desperately need him, you both seem to be suggesting that the foster care system is the best place for them (because no one else can take them) – unless you and your husband are raging addicts who have illegal substances for breakfast, I can’t imagine how you think that’s the best option here.” MarlaDurden144
Another User Comments:
“This is extremely serious and impacting the lives of 3 children.
Absolutely the family is the jerk for how he was treated and the guilt trips now. Yet in the end, neither of you can blame those children for that! It was not their fault, their doing, or their choices.
Meaning this decision has to be about the kids, not the past. If you don’t want to be parents, so be it and you don’t want to take kids in full of resentment on your part.
At the same time, while you are married and there should be a joint agreement, ultimately HE has to decide. He had kids, he wanted them, he reached out and was shunned Obviously demonstrating he wanted relationships with them).
But he will carry a heavier load than you as time goes on… regrets, questioning decisions, and possibly being confronted as those kids age; one day they may seek him out — bio mom family cutting him out is one thing, but rejecting them when they had no one is another…
If they go into the ‘system’ the chances of them staying together, and making it through that system unharmed are very low…
Sure, it would not be ideal for kids to move across the country and start a new life, and absolutely not would it be easy in any sense of the word.
But staying together, being with a bio parent… probably a rough start but could be a wonderful thing as kids are resilient for the most part.
Best advice; many discussions and maybe even with a professional; that includes looking beyond ‘now’…
Your lives may feel ‘perfect’ – but you have no way of knowing the impact that even NOT taking them will have on his mental health, your marriage, and your lifestyle… If he is already second guessing due to that family’s treatment, getting an NTJ from here isn’t going to make those doubts magically disappear forever.” Babsgarcia
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here except for the kids.
Your husband is a weak-willed person who pretended that having a relationship with his kids was important until papers came through to sign over his rights. Then when another opportunity comes around for him to undo that tragic decision, he wants nothing to do with the kids he helped create.
As an adoptee and former foster child, I’m appalled.
The ex sucks because while her pain over having married someone who wasn’t attracted to her is understandable, her desire to keep the kids away from their father is NOT understandable.
And many foster homes are a total nightmare. So much abuse and lack of love in those places… it shouldn’t even be an option that is taken up without the bio-dad losing a lot of sleep over his conscience torturing him.
BUT… he DID sign over parental rights. They were severed. So he has absolutely no legal obligation to these kids whatsoever. Just a moral obligation, and if he can live with abandoning these kids, I’m wondering what qualities he possesses that make him lovable at all.
The extended family is all jerks because they talk a big game and want to talk trash, but how many of them are offering to step up for these kids?
This whole thing is really tragic.” jammy913
It's a tragedy about his ex and the new hubs, but I'm pretty sure that in the intervening years her family was just as complicit in trashing your hub as the ex was, and now the kids are stuck in this limbo with the choice of toxicity on one end and a literal stranger connected only by genetics on the other. They really are the truest victims here, but your husband has no right to be castigated for his past decision just because the universe had other plans.
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