“I (34f) have been with my partner (37m) for 5 years, living together for 3.5 years, with my stepdaughter (7f) who we’ll call Jess, 50% of the time, basically alternating days at our place & her mom’s. Jess has the code to our house because it is her home too. Every once in a while, but lately, more often, her mom has been forgetting to get Jess’s stuff (like skis or skates) when neither my partner nor I are home.
The time before last his ex said Jess’s skis were at our place. He told her to wait until I got home from work, about 20 mins (I did leave early) & I would go downstairs & grab them. Jess is too small to carry her skis & all the gear herself. When I arrived they were already in the house. Both my partner and I were unhappy about this, but his ex had stayed upstairs at the door. We didn’t have the skis, they were at his ex’s house.
Today Jess had a skating field trip with her mom, we didn’t know about it. Jess & her mom came to our place & Jess said they looked everywhere together. Her mom did end up calling my partner, but he had terrible cell service. The skates were in our bedroom. Jess told me today that her mom handed her the green bag with her skates. Which meant that his ex was inside our bedroom & would have had to walk into our room, around the bed to the closet. When Jess said that I was very surprised and said “your mom was in our bedroom?” Jess backtracked saying that her mom just stood at the door looking inside for the skates & that Jess had actually grabbed the bag.
I don’t know if this is dramatic but I feel very violated over this. She went into our home without permission & not only that into our bedroom. WIBTJ if I said his ex is no longer allowed in our house. His mom lives less than a block away and I was thinking of saying that if his ex needs to pick something up she would meet his mother at our house and wait outside. Jess is always allowed in, but his ex is not. I feel very strongly that it is my home and my safe space.
After I moved in he did have to set a lot of boundaries with his ex, like not just walking into our house as if she still lived there and taking a seat in the living room. She wouldn’t even knock.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You both WERE violated and she knew that you wouldn’t approve. So did “Jess,” so she’s partially at fault. Why do you think she backpedaled!!! Your SO needs to reset those boundaries. You both should also get security cameras and a system that would allow you and your SO to unlock the door with your mobile devices instead of “Jess.” You can then see who is at the door and entering your home.” LoveBeach8
Another User Comments:
“I don’t understand why a 7yo needs to know the code to the house. They are 7. She shouldn’t be at home alone. It could also be a safety concern if she tells a friend and someone overhears or does something like give the mall Santa the code because you don’t have a fireplace. She’s 7. She would not be to blame. Y’all would be because you trusted a 7yo with this information.” idkifyousayso
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Jess is obviously too young to understand boundaries when it comes to your home and her mom, and I think as such Jess should not even have a code. I understand it’s her house too, but I think until she understands, she shouldn’t be entering your home unless she is with either you or her dad. If she needs to come by and get something when on mom’s time, then it’s too bad, so sad, next time you’ll remember.” FriedNoseGold
