Sarah
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I was with you until the last sentence. It's the equivalent of saying "if she's going to be disgusting then you're a wimp if you aren't disgusting too." Personally I'd be grossed out to eat with either one of them, and I love both dogs and cats.
Just to throw in my two cents about the cultural thing; when I was in eastern Europe it was the norm there too. So no, this is by no means something limited to Japanese culture. I grew up on a farm and we always took our shoes off in the house. It never crossed my mind there was anything cultural about it. It was just what we did to keep the floors clean.
To be honest, I'm having a hard time seeing why this is such a big deal to you. Is it really such a terrible thing that the roommate wants to keep the floors clean? For giving the wood floor a deep cleaning; that's fine as long as it's understood that he's the one that's either going to be doing it or paying to have it professionally done. After that everybody can do their reasonable share of cleaning, which is what I assume you'd been willing to do before the shoe subject was ever brought up. As for the shoes by the door, he can do what many other shoe-free households do and buy a shelf or a shoe-rack in order to make room for everybody's shoes.
Everyone that's calling the OP a jerk for trying to steal a recipe that the mom is so proud of doesn't seem to have read the part about how they had no intention to bring the cookies to any family events. There was no trying to one-up the mom here. Have you all considered that OP and her partner may just want to have some of these cookies around the house without having to go ask mom every time? And that she didn't steal mom's recipe, but used one that was posted online for all to see?
The only mistake I would say that was made was when her partner was eating one of those cookies while talking to mom online and they way he answered when asked what he had. On the other hand, it's not a good sign when in order to avoid dealing with a major melt-down like this two adults would have to hide the fact that they baked and are eating a batch of cookies in their own home.
His excuse that it was hard for him to see you in pain makes it even worse. He was fully aware how much you needed him, otherwise being around you wouldn't have been difficult at all for him. That means he thought about the discomfort HE would feel just by being around you and decided that that was going to take priority over all what he was putting on you by backing off and letting you go through this without his support. There's a reason the classic marriage vows go "for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health." Being a partner to someone means being there all the time. You don't get to hang around when it's easy and you're reaping the benefits then bail on them as soon as they need your support through a difficult time.
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